http://www.polyamory.com/forum/ Polyamory forum dating and personals en Thu, 17 May 2012 17:24:00 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.polyamory.com/forum/ http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23725&goto=newpost Thu, 17 May 2012 09:43:22 GMT I've been lurking here for a while but tonight I just feel the need to say hello.

About four years ago, I found out that my best friend is poly. I was blown away. I didn't know there was such a thing as polyamory, and I'd been feeling so guilty over various attractions and longings outside my marriage, thinking there was something wrong with me for having other feelings when I love my husband (I'll call him RugbyMan) so much. Suddenly my best friend and her husband were telling me that this is normal and okay, that I'm not messed up. RugbyMan seemed to think this was cool the night we found out (we'd all been drinking) but the next morning that was all gone and no, poly was not going to be an option for us.

I've tried talking to him about it again a couple of times over the last four years but every time it's no, and squick, and if you love me why would you need to get it on with someone else, and our marriage would be over if that happened, and let's not talk about it. So that's that.

So I feel poly and everything I have read about it feels so right. And I can live with sexual monogamy obviously (been with RugbyMan 16 years now), but I can't help the emotional connections and achy thoughts and longings that just seem to happen, and the horrible guilt and pain that comes with that. I'm not strong enough or unselfish enough to abandon a friendship when it shifts into something deeper for me, so I just hide my feelings from everyone and swing between secret rapture at any contact with my friend-crush and horror at what's going on inside me.

My best friend tells me I'm normal and okay, and reading this forum helps too, but it's still hard.

Kella :(

PS. I have always been totally into reading Robert Heinlein, Anne McCaffrey, Jacqueline Carey... Shane by Jack Schaefer was one of my favourite books way back in high school. I never understood why until this whole poly thing hit me... ]]> Introductions Kella http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23725 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23713&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 23:56:59 GMT http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/s480x480/524910_3130593349853_1415333794_32152995_302548223_n.jpg Thought some of you might... http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos...02548223_n.jpg

Thought some of you might appreciate this. :D Sadly, for any who might think of getting it, it will almost certainly not be taken as an honest, polyamorous statement. ]]> Fireplace AnnabelMore http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23713 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23712&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 22:22:11 GMT Hi!! I'm 27 black bi female looking for a m/f couple. No friends with benefits situations. I would like a romantic connection. I love to go dancing, swimming, crocheting, watch movies, and I'm a cuddle master. ;) ]]> North America Dezzy http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23712 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23711&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 21:58:24 GMT Nervous. Don't really know what to say. I come from a very small town and being poly isn't the best way to live my life here. My family and friends all live here though. I haven't met anyone with the similar views of relationships as me. When I tried speaking "hypothetically" with my sister, I got this judgement look and what would people say speech since everyone knows everyone. She pretended she understood but she basically told me that would make me a whore. I've been conflicted for awhile and never thought to find support online but I hope I can find someone to talk to who understands and find some way to also tell my husband. I've felt this wat about relationships all my life but fell in with what my family considers morrally right and just basically did what they did. I don't understand jealousy in a relationship because love should be unconditional right? I just need....something? ]]> Introductions SLJ http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23711 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23709&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 18:41:59 GMT I'm new to this forum, just signed up a few days ago. Well I'm 27, bi black female from los angeles. When I started dating at 19, I usually dated two people at a time. So being polyamory is very natural to me. Each relationship is unique and not comparable. It's like comparing apples and cars. Two completely different things. I'm very friendly so don't hesitate to email me. ]]> Introductions Dezzy http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23709 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23708&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 18:30:20 GMT I'm excited to be here, and hope for some feedback and advice.

I recently ended a monogamous relationship with an incredible woman. She was bright, funny, loving--the full package. I don't think I've ever had a better relationship. Yet, it wasn't me. There was a problem: she wanted romantic and sexual exclusivity for life.

The whole notion of that doesn't make sense to me, it just doesn't compute. At the same time, honesty and trust are the bedrocks of intimacy for me, and while being faithful, I did let her know what i was wrestling with, which made her feel "unsafe" and led to the end of the relationship.

So I'm looking meet others with a similar "orientation" (who want love AND freedom), and would be so grateful and ready to follow any advice here on how to start in this community (I'm LA-based).

I do feel as a single male entering the community, it's going to be especially awkward and difficult, but maybe that isn't true? ]]> Introductions Bonobo http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23708 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23707&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 14:25:24 GMT Hi I am 22 years old and this December I will be graduating from college in southern Minnesota. I am looking for a female roughly in the same age... Hi I am 22 years old and this December I will be graduating from college in southern Minnesota. I am looking for a female roughly in the same age range (20-26). Just want to get a taste of the poly lifestyle to start. ]]> North America Rafon http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23707 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23706&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 13:31:46 GMT I'm not really sure what it is that is going on in my brains :D I talked to my husband about this last night and it's not making any more sense to me.

In short, I am in a triangular relationship with my husband and gf. My relationship with her is great, there are no issues on that count from any of us. Husband is happy for us, willingly gives us time together, no jealousy, save that he would quite like to join in (never gonna happen chaps...). She and I have a very romantically based relationship, things are good.

My relationship with my husband is, being worked on. He has a very high sex drive, and the NRE when we got together may have given him false hope for the future. I physically can't keep up with him, not consistently. Certainly not with a toddler and another baby on the way. I don't have the sex drive I did, and I don't have the urge for kinky stuff I did, still some, but not the heavier D/s we once did. Part of the reason for the poly in our relationship was so he could have his needs satisfied, and get back to having a more affectionate (rather than a frustrated and gropey) relationship with me. That worked. Actually it works both ways, he sees GF and is all lovey and chilled with me, I see GF and am high on oxytocin, and he is being nice to me, our sex life is better. Brilliant.

Their relationship is very BDSM based, she has told me that she feels bad for not giving him any affection (but we got over that when we agreed that was what I was for, and she didn't have to feel like she had to fulfil that role if she didn't want to) and that in her words "if he stopped beating me I wouldn't let him touch me". Essentially it is about them getting their S&M kicks, playing punishment games etc, and both of them are very happy with that.

I don't ask for details, but sometimes stuff filters through, I am aware of the dynamic of their relationship, and some of their activities. On the surface I am very happy for both of them. But sometimes, I get an intense feeling of sad.

When it was just the 2 of us, it never really bothered me that there were things he wanted to do that I didn't, it was never an issue, some stuff he liked was outside my limits, end of story. Sometimes I didn't feel like stuff, other times I did, such is life. Now that he is able to get that from someone else though, I feel sad that there are those things that he can't share with me. I feel like I am not doing my duty as his wife almost, and a bit crap that he had to bring someone else in to pick up my slack, so to speak. In a Relate session he once said to me that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else if he could get everything he needed just from me. I feel like I am letting him down somehow, even though I know I simply cannot do that.

I want to be happy for them both, that they are able to get the things I can't give either of them, and mostly I can be, but I broke down in tears yesterday because he told me to expect a parcel of BDSM stuff in the post today and I knew it wasn't for us, but felt it should have been. I'm not sure if this is a proper issue, or just part of the settling in process. We had a bit of a rocky start (I found out he had been unfaithful in the past, and then that he had been sleeping with GF before discussing non-monogamy with me), and I am not sure how much of that is seeping in either, though I thought we were past that. ]]> Poly Relationships Corner Tea4three http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23706 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23702&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 01:57:29 GMT Some background;
My wife and I have been married for 8 years now, with 2 amazing children. Our marriage has been "traditional" and happy.
My wife's close friend has in the last year or so been on a life adventure with school and romance, and recently discovered the poly life and her affinity for it. She and my wife were chatting the other night, sharing views on philosophical topics of love, etc. and things kind of have gone from there.
So, my wife feels it's something we should talk about, if just to start the dialogue. She wants to give me the opportunity to explore life more (I'm a recovering introvert) and we both want each other to not feel obliged to turn down opportunity simply out of fear of hurting the other.
This whole concept has been a bit of a roller coaster for me I admit, and originally I couldn't even think of my wife entertaining thoughts of another man without serious jealousy, but after a good long conversation with my wife's friend (who I'm friends with too), it's become clear to me what that jealousy is. I know it all stems from my own insecurities, and knowing that has helped me realize that my wife's love for me is not conditional, and she has so much to offer the world, who am I to squander the influence she could have on the world? There's no limit to love, right?
So, I realized this is precisely how she feels too, only I've never been with anyone but her, so she feels almost guilty in a similar sense denying me the experience, etc.

So here's where my head is spinning a bit. I love my wife, and nothing's going to change that. My wife loves me, and always will. I can feel happy for her happiness, even if it comes from someone else. However, part of me feels that she's mostly wanting this to be something for me, which would make me feel selfish if it were only one-sided. I feel a lot of excitement at the thought of simply not feeling guilty about wanting to emotionally connect with someone outside of my marriage but don't know where this whole thing goes from here. I know my wife and I have a lot more to discuss, and some relational ground rules to lay, but I want some context for the conversation. I've started reading "Sex at Dawn" and perusing a plethora of sites and forums (like this one) and am open to any and all recommendations, advice and feedback.

To close, I'm not sure I nor my wife are poly, but it's an exciting proposition that we're starting to consider. I completely understand and identify with the content in "Sex at Dawn" regarding monogamy as a societal creation and can see poly as a more natural course that's more in line with human nature.
Thanks for sticking through my long-winded intro, and I look forward to future conversations here :) ]]> Poly Relationships Corner Adam http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23702 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23698&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 21:29:22 GMT Hubby and I have moved forward from our failed quad experience and feel like we have learned some lessons. We're giving a try at establishing completely separate relationships.

I had a new friend that started out as purely friendship. She expressed an interest in more. So, we've been on a couple of lunch dates. She's a great and I'm taking things very slow considering our last experience caused hurt feelings and I think a lot of that was because I/we rushed in too quickly.

Hubby didn't have as easy a time initially as far as finding someone. He met a girl. He did finally find someone of interest. They texted for a week and met for lunch. From there it was fast fast and I'm having a difficult time adjusting.

The day of the date things went really well. I was worried I would be uncomfortable because I didn't have a distraction of a date of my own. I didn't feel uncomfortable. And was happy it went so well for Hubby.

All went well until I got my feelings hurt. Our daughter had been away for a week with her grandparents. The last night before she was to come home Hubby and I planned to have one last date night together. Hubby asked me if he could see his gf again instead of our date night because he wouldn't be able to see her the following week because we had a week long family engagement (his parents were bringing our daughter back & we were all spending the week at their condo on the lake). I declined his request because date nights for he and I are fairly limited because we rarely have a babysitter. I felt because he had just seen her that day & we had these plans already a week shouldn't be an issue.

Honestly it kinda hurt my feelings because he wanted to bail on our date night. He said no big deal and it was all fine.

Since they began talking they have texted very frequently. Initially he was discrete & it didn't interfere with our time. Our prior rule has always been that we didn't text while during family get togethers. Because this was a week long event we agreed no texting rule wouldn't be reasonable and agreed we could but needed to keep it discrete.

Hubby wasn't so discrete and I noticed he was texting a lot. I told him I was feeling a little uncomfortable and requested he tone it down a bit. I told him I'd work through it but I was feeling a little insecure because things were moving quickly with them & it was infringing on our family time and I need just to time it down with the frequency of talking for a couple of days. Hubby said he understood and could tone it down.

Well, the next day he texted her and told her he was going to try to arrange to see her & asked what her schedule was that he just needed to run it by me. Well he the asks me. I was very hurt by this and am feeling very hurt. I had just told him I need him to tone it down and the following day he was arranging to see her. I was hurt also because I felt like he put me on the spot by asking her before he talked to me.

He said he can stop seeing her. That's not what I want but want to feel secure as well. Am I being overly sensitive? I knew there may be growing pains & we may make mistakes along the way. I'm trying not to feel threatened but I do. ]]> Poly Relationships Corner PolyCurious4 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23698 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23697&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 19:58:24 GMT Hello. I'm very new here and I'm not really sure what to write, so I'm just going to throw everything out there on the table.

My name is Alicia, I'm 21 years old and I have a 24 year old fiance named Stephen. I'm bi-curious, he's straight. And we're both looking for a mature, nerdy, fun, adventurous, bisexual/bi-curious woman (between the ages of 20-45) to experiment and have a long lasting polyamorous relationship with. Now, the nerdy part, you don't have to be a hardcore nerd or anything, but you should have picked up a game controller at some point in your life.

If you haven't been scared away, then feel free to contact me and I'll be happy to send you a reply as soon as I'm able.

Ps- My photo isn't a recent one, but I'll try and update that as soon as possible. ]]> North America peep1317 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23697 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23695&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 16:26:26 GMT I had trouble coming up with a thread title, and I will attempt to make this post as concise as possible, which will be a challenge since I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for, and yet pretty sure I alreadd know the answer.

I'm fairly confident after some recent conversations with Marty, that I am a helluva lot more invested into "us" than he is. But, bearing in mind how new I am to poly, and how relatively new our relationship is, it is also possible I'm just misunderstanding. As I've said in my blog, I tend to look at things thru what I call my monogamy filter. I don't know any other way to have a romantic or sexual relationship, though as evidenced by my behavior the past six months, I'm trying to learn new ways.

Thus said... I've been told that he would never want, for example, another wife, another live in partner, something that committed, its "hard enough" having one. He has asked for space - rather than seeing each other every Sat night/Sunday we are now only seeing each other every other Sat night/Sunday. And the thing which hurt me the most, though I'm sure it wasn't intended as a barb - the most important aspect of what we have to him is the friendship, he knows the romantic/sexual won't (may not? don't recall exact wording) last forever, but he wants the friendship to endure. While he enjoys stereotypical date activities with me, and enjoys sex with me, it wouldn't bother him if our relationship changed into a "regular" friendship, with no romance or sex.

I've lamented on this board before how its near impossible for us to get time alone. Young children make it a near impossibility without feeling like we are imposing on our spouses (though they don't mind... heh). I'm unsure how much of this is normal when you are dating someone who already has a primary, and a child, and how much of it is simply a disparity of feelings/priority placed/etc. I'm unsure how to broach this topic with him without sounding like a whiny, needy, clingy teenager. But I do know that I'm increasingly unhappy with how things are.

It's not all bad all the time. It's mostly good most of the time. But I want more. I want more time together, I want to talk more often, I want our communication in between face time to be more meaningful. I'm accustomed to a partner - especially a partner of less than a year - being as outwardly excited and eager to talk/see each other as I am. His seeming ambivalence over things is driving me mad.

He has an axiety disorder which is currently unmedicated. I wonder how much of this is due to that, since he was rather different the first month we were together (when he was on meds). I deal with depression, which I am sure is exacerabating things - I Know I am overanalyzing small things and being way more co-dependent than is healthy.

How do I wrap my head around being a secondary? How do I become okay with the fact that he has a life seperate from me and wants to keep it that way? How do I change my thinking to focusing on the positives instead of dwelling on what I don't have?

And yes... I am fairly sure the big "answer" to all my confusion and hurt feelings is to talk to him about it. Heck my husband has been trying to get me to do so for weeks now. I just have no clue how to even begin to approach this topic. None.

I hope this was cohesive enough to generate a few replies. Anything I was unclear about, please feel free to ask. ]]> Poly Relationships Corner GreenMom http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23695 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23680&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 07:24:38 GMT There are a lot of resources about how to manage jealousy or other stuff related to your partner having another love. I think the position of, say, a... There are a lot of resources about how to manage jealousy or other stuff related to your partner having another love. I think the position of, say, a leg in a V (meaning you have one partner who has another partner) is considered to be more difficult to adjust to in our monogamous culture. Which may well be true, on average. But I do think there's quite important adjusting needed of the hinge, i.e. person with two (or more) partners. I can think of a few things that seem to feature in people's experiences.


Guilt.

Time management.

Energy management.

Balancing commitments.

Being considerate.

Taking care of own needs.

NRE.


There are probably other things that I didn't think of. Please, feel free to add as you think of any. :) And please share your experiences about what you have found important/influential. ]]> General Poly Discussions rory http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23680 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23673&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 03:08:23 GMT Ok, so I tried doing a search on friends with benefits and didn't seem to quite find what I was looking for.

So, having gone through a divorce last fall, the idea of having a friend to spend the night with without a relationship was very appealing. I'd been reading the book, Ethical Slut, and I found someone that spoke the same language it seemed to be. He was also just out of a long relationship that ended badly. She had cheated on him. He used to be controlling, so he went from that to, "you can do whatever you want" it seems.

We've been together twice. The second time when I was at his house during the day the day after, he mentioned something about I would have a date to go somewhere. It took a little bit, but I realized with horror that I really didn't want to see anyone else.

If you know my background, you may agree that the universe was playing some cruel trick on me.

Anyway, he went a week without responding to a couple of text messages and an invitation on Facebook. Then he wants to know when I'm coming back into his area (he's a couple of hours away), but I don't really want to have that connection and then not hear from him for a week. We're both very busy people, but why go a week without any contact and then in a short conversation ask me what my plans are twice, and if I'm back in town?

It's all been very confusing. He's excited to have me come around and tells me he has fun when I'm about to leave, but then there's not much contact in between. I'm personally not a big fan of that, and if anything I think myself in the polyamory range vs. the Ethical Slut category.

Thought you guys would have more experience with this kind of a thing and am looking forward to hearing your comments on this! ]]> General Poly Discussions CheesyLady http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23673 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23663&goto=newpost Mon, 14 May 2012 21:02:46 GMT We are a married couple in Northern Virginia searching for a woman to share in our relationship. We have been married for nearly 19 years and we are... We are a married couple in Northern Virginia searching for a woman to share in our relationship. We have been married for nearly 19 years and we are very secure in our marriage. We seek a woman that is open, and honest and not looking to cheat on their s/o. We are a very healthy and athletic couple and expect this partner to be physically fit as well. My wife is 5'4, 125 pounds and 45 years old. I am 6'0, 235 pounds and 49 years old. My wife is biracial and I am AA. We are non smokers and very sexual people. Would love to find a woman that compliments our strong love and communication abilities. Race is not a factor but your attitude is.

Mike ]]> North America Mikec1154 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23663