Lonely Unicorn

[MadameSyrinx]

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman... and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl.. that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman, and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?

[nycindie]

Maybe you should look for two separate individuals, rather than an already established couple. If you want a man and a woman in your life, find one first, build that relationship a little, and then be open to finding the other.

It seems that most couples out there looking for a bi women as a third, tend to be in open relationships or more invested in sport sex than poly. Of course, here on this forum you will find more actual poly peeps, but from what I've been coming across elsewhere, it's hard to find an already established relationship that isn't just looking for sex with a third, rather than a relationship. I was just reading (on a Meetup.com message board) some detestable guideline a couple has of only giving their unicorn (oh, how I have come to hate that term - it is so objectifying!) no more than 10% of the man's attention, while 90% should be for the wife. They said to "never go past 80/20" or to let the second woman "linger too long" because "you will wind up with a relationship" -- heaven forbid! For some reason, this is apparently the standard in those circles, mean to keep attachment at bay.

Try getting to know poly people -- do you have any groups that meet near you? Just relax the search a little and get to know folks who are more open to actually developing multiple relationships, and see what happens.

[Erosa]

My heart so goes out to you. *hugs* :'(

I had a similar experience when I was a unicorn. And it's heartbreaking to see yourself give love and get used in return.

Don't give up though. I really do believe that there is a couple out there for you. *hugs*

Tag my page anytime. :)

[BlackUnicorn]

Sorry to hear you are experiencing that! I have like today realized that a lot of people seeking their mythical unicorn are motivated by the sex and not the relationship possibilities, and I'm like 'woot? threesomes are SOO over-rated!'. Besides, arranging a threesome isn't even that hard if you know the right people. Having a relationship is sometimes hard, but worth so much more than the occasional kicks you get out of group sex with random people.

The advice you have already received is really good. Don't build huge expectations about meeting the 'perfect couple' - date individuals instead for a while, and look for couples that already have some experience in poly (the local community is a good place to start). If you meet potentials, bring it up from the get go that you want to date and get to know them both individually before the sex, and make a commitment to yourself NOT to agree to anything you are not comfortable with. Triads can also happen when three single people get together, so don't limit your line of vision to established couples only.

Although group dates are fun, I prefer to get to know people and to have sex one-on-one. I don't know if you could benefit from seeking out more 'family-minded' polyfolks. They tend to have a bigger emphasis on seeking a 'good fit' to their family, and don't want to bring random people in to their children's life, but really prefer to get to know the person first.

[Concept9]

Don't lose hope just yet; I can see where you are coming from and how you must feel. My wife and I are very new to this ourselves (like...been talking on it for months but have yet to put it into practice, still looking for OUR unicorn.) However, we both agreed early on that our intent isn't just to treat someone else as an object, or a third wheel. There ARE people out there that want you to share in all the same things they already have between the two of them; to simply find others to share in the happiness of life without treating you any different than they treat each other already. So...in short, keep your hopes up and keep looking, whether for couples or singles as suggested above; you'll find those that want you for you soon. Good luck.

[MadameSyrinx]

Thank you for the encouragement! I am feeling rather discouraged, but I am hoping things turn around.

Where do you meet people? I am really quite shy about being poly, but I can't have a relationship with someone who does not feel the same way.. so the breaking the news thing is hard.

I have to say I stumbled upon the polyamory community by accident, out of being totally burned. It's only after a triad gone bad, after I was fought over and then discarded, that I realized there had to be another way!

[redpepper]

You can look on dating sites like OKcupid to find like minded people to date, or who are meeting up in your area. If there is nothing near then start looking around for like minded people to create a meet and greet with. You could go to the closest meet up and see who is there that might of travelled to get there also. Or to put the word out that you want to create some community for yourself and others. Once you have some people together, go do something. Coffee shop that is fairly private, pub, whatever suits you or is acceptable in your area to do... peoples comfort is important, so make sure that is considered. Then just be and see who you meet and watch things blossom.... hopefully ;)

[drtalon]

You could post a personal ad here to let the (potentially) more enlightened Unicorn Hunters know about you...

[KellyBryan]

We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.

[eezeegoing]

I'm just courious to know how the females felt the first time they knew their guy was with another woman. My guy and I recently talked about bringing in another woman into the relationship for several reasons, one, he was a high sexual drive, and two, I can have a good friend to talk to and enjoy her company. We figured he could start by seeing another female once a week so that I could get used to it, however, I felt jealous after he was at her house for 5 hours and I thought he would be at her place for maybe 3 since it was my first time sharing him with someone else. I'm dealing with jealousy issues but am still open in trying to continue with him seeing this other woman as well as trying to understand how to get over my jealousy issue.

We are new to this and were not brought up with the idea of having a polyamory relationship.

Thank you.

[onequarter]

In my very limited adventures, I've noticed a lot of people on OKCupid looking for what you're looking for. Try looking in your area and doing a search for "polyfidelity" or "polyamory" and see who's looking.

[redpepper]

We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.What you seek is near to impossible to find, yet it seems to land on peoples doorstep sometimes when they least expect it. Usually without looking.

It's almost impossible to find someone that will love both of you equally and whom you will love equally. Sex, sure, no problem, even at the beginning during NRE the going is good until the person, that is the cause of your relationship structure to become a triad, realizes they prefer one over the other, usually the male. Or they feel like a third wheel or are really a secondary in the whole arrangement.

There is a ton of potential for failure in unicorn hunting... why? because usually the original couple has not grasped the fact that they need to stop acting as a unit in the search and start being independent.

It's kind of a dichotomy. The couple seems to find they are interested in building their relationship and so want to add a woman. The idea is to fulfil what they are missing in some way and that she will do this FOR them. The woman of course is to be fulfilled also as that is only fair, but when the chips are down, she will usually be secondary and therefore not achieve the same rights as the couple to love, caring, closeness, consideration etc.

So, its important for the couple to be independent in the relationship that develops, yet how can they do that if they don't act independently in their search and in their lives ahead of time...how can they come together when it actually happens. It is likely not going to be as is thought when there is a whole lot of independent minded people all in it together, rather than a whole bunch of co-dependent people... if that makes sense... co-dependent triads are a very rare find.

My suggestion for this? Be independent and find your own paths in life and love while walking side by side... if you should be lucky enough to have a unicorn fall on your lap then you will be glad you did... if not, work on a vee relationship dynamic and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion vee! ;)


I also suggest doing a tag search for "unicorns" and/or "secondary" "seocndaries" so as to see what others have written before you. There is a really good thread called "a secondarie's bill of rights" that might help...

[nycindie]

I'm just courious to know how the females felt the first time they knew their guy was with another woman. My guy and I recently talked about bringing in another woman into the relationship for several reasons, one, he was a high sexual drive, and two, I can have a good friend to talk to and enjoy her company. We figured he could start by seeing another female once a week so that I could get used to it, however, I felt jealous after he was at her house for 5 hours and I thought he would be at her place for maybe 3 since it was my first time sharing him with someone else. I'm dealing with jealousy issues but am still open in trying to continue with him seeing this other woman as well as trying to understand how to get over my jealousy issue.

We are new to this and were not brought up with the idea of having a polyamory relationship.

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason? Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.

[Magdlyn]

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason?

I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed.

Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.

Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.

[nycindie]

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason?I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed. Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.
Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.

You're right. I agree that the 3 hours vs. 5 hours issue is something they need to discuss and agree to boundaries on. Well, if it hadn't happened the way it did, eezeegoing and her bf wouldn't know what they need to discuss next. I think my response sounded harsh, which I didn't intend. I was just caught by how it sounded to me like, "we decided to bring in another woman once a week to service my boyfriend, and I'll get a friend, too." But there really wasn't enough info about the situation to draw any kind of conclusion. I think I've been influenced by seeing a lot of posts here lately from people who say they want poly but seem to be really focused more on recreational sex than developing relationships. Perhaps it's not how eezeegoing views how they are approaching poly; however, it certainly is in line with the OP's reason for beginning this thread.

Ah, human relationships can be so complex, even when we think it should be so simple!

[Bahalana]

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.


How was your day?
http://tremendousnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/ljscef.jpg

[Vallin]

What is the exact definition of "unicorn"?

[Bahalana]

What is the exact definition of "unicorn"?

A unicorn in polyamorous circles colloquially refers to a single, bisexual woman, who is interested in forming a polyfidelitous triad with an already established couple of a man and a woman. The choice of the label unicorn should demonstrate the perceived rarity of such individuals and the somewhat belittling and diminutive fashion that people looking for them are often viewed in by the polyamorous community.

If you need any part of this explanation explained I suggest you do a little research instead of asking. You could start by rereading this thread more carefully because all of this could have been fairly well inferred, even though it was not explicitly stated.

If this sounds like it has a tone. Sorry, it's only somewhat unintentional.

[Allstar]

I agree with what everyone is saying. Me being mono, after about a month of dating my current gf she told me she was poly (I already knew she was bi). I am not sure where I will end up, but I am openminded for right now. We have a great relationship started between us. No one says you have to find them both at the same time. Try to find a relationship and see how they feel about the idea, just balance when you feel comfortable to tell them with how far the relationship is. You don't want to be falling down the slope of love and then them freak out and leave all of a sudden on you. I will admit, I didn't talk to her for three days until the shock was over, but I came around.

[loving3]

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman... and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl.. that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman, and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?
That is what we are looking for. My husband and I are looking for a fun loving female, that wants to be a equal part of our family. We do not want a 3 sum - one night stand. We want to find a female that would like to live with us and become a complete 3 - Couple! The life of a married couple but of 3! We have tried friends, and it never seems to be more than a one night stand. We are looking for someone that would like to talk about there day over supper or just relaxing snuggling and laugh about our day in bed..

[Derbylicious]

That is what we are looking for. My husband and I are looking for a fun loving female, that wants to be a equal part of our family. We do not want a 3 sum - one night stand. We want to find a female that would like to live with us and become a complete 3 - Couple! The life of a married couple but of 3! We have tried friends, and it never seems to be more than a one night stand. We are looking for someone that would like to talk about there day over supper or just relaxing snuggling and laugh about our day in bed..

A lot of couples want this. It's a really nice fantasy to have. It rarely happens though because the more people you add the more personalities and emotions you add. Although 3 adults can happily live as a family under one roof it is rare that they will all be equally in love with each other. There may very well be love in all directions but be prepared that you may not all feel romantic love for each other.

Like RP said earlier, walk side by side with each other while you both go on your path to developing other relationships. You are 2 individuals who are part of a relationship, you are not a unit. You both have desires and personalities and preferences. Celebrate your differences. Enjoy the people who come into your life in whichever form they are in your life. Enjoy the people for who they are. Maybe you will wind up in a triad and maybe you won't.

PSA brought to you by a reformed unicorn hunter ;):D

[loving3]

I agree, no relationship has any guarantees - They are all work. We have been friends since we were children, went our different ways and have come back together as a family. We have a good life and a good relationship. We just want to have more, we want to add to our love and family. I have a big family, he does not. I do feel there will be some challenges, but what relationship don't have them. And with every challenge, there is talk and listening to work it through. ;)

[AutumnalTone]

Am I doing something wrong?

Nope.

Unicorn hunters are typically folks looking for a sex toy to spice up their marriages or a substitute for the therapy needed to shore up their failing relationship. Unicorn hunting, by and large (though not universally), a sign that the couple really isn't ready for this poly thing.

If you really want to get involved with a couple, I'll suggest wooing each of the two individually. My wife and I don't date as a couple nor arrive as a matched set, so the only way to get involved with both of us would be to pitch woo to us individually. I suspect that doing so with couples who aren't searching for a unicorn will prove more satisfactory.

[Inyourendo]

i also agree to look separately. i wonder if it would be easier for f/f couple to find a good man?

[CranberryStardust]

Whoa...I can relate! I just entered into a relationship with a couple for the first time, but I have nagging concerns that I am opening myself up and hoping for something meaningful and real...and they might only ever see me as a fun sexual "add on" to their real life.

I'm tired of being used in general. It's fine if everyone involved is using each other in the same way, but hurts when you're the one wanting more. When I was twenty, being an object was fun and almost flattering...now it makes me feel kind of hollow. Like I'm not real, you know? Literally an object.

I hope you find something healthy and fulfilling and all the love you need. There surely are couples out there who sincerely wish to open more than just their bedrooms to girls like us.

[BlackUnicorn]

Although 3 adults can happily live as a family under one roof it is rare that they will all be equally in love with each other. There may very well be love in all directions but be prepared that you may not all feel romantic love for each other.

This is such an important point! Families don't need romantic love to hold them together. And romantic love, too, comes in different shapes and sizes.

i also agree to look separately. i wonder if it would be easier for f/f couple to find a good man?

Not necessarily. While there probably is a larger pool of unattached straight/bisexual men out there interested in a fmf triad, the likelihood of mutual attraction happening at the same time in all directions remains small.

Take VanillaIce and me. Whereas she craves male companionship, I don't; in a sense she is bisexual while I'm homoflexible. So there would be the challenge of us finding a man I would find interesting enough to engage with on a romantic basis. Add to that the fact that we are attracted to very different things in a man; she prefers bad boys while I delight in men who have stereotypically femine pursuits or traits. And even if we were to find a chameleon of a man who is switch enough (personality-wise, not in a BDSM sense) to fit into our dynamique, he would still have to find us both attractive, interesting and worth his while to pursue.

Vanilla is funkily enough FWBs with my male partner Moonlightrunner. Whereas with Vanilla, I have this head-over-heels NRE thing going on, with Moonlight we settled very quickly in to a lot more established energy. I used to be in a triad with Moonlight and his wife Windflower, to whom I nowadays feel the loving care and concern I would towards a friend. Just because it's not the Hollywood romance times three doesn't mean it can't be great.

[curiouscpl2]

Hey sorry to hear what you are going threw, we have the opposite issue we would love to find someone like you. My wife wants me to find someone she can hang out with outside the bedroom that can share our lives with us in and out of the bedroom. Maybe we arent looking in the right places or we live in the wrong place but it seems much harder than it would appear..
best of luck everyone

[EVEMSW]

I too am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time finding a couple that you fit with. It can be very frustrating and I don't understand why some couples don't just look for people that are looking for play partners instead of pretending to want a relationship. I did the play thing for a couple of years while I was healing from a bad divorce. Then I met a wonderful man whois amazing and has everything I want in a man. Only issue, I'm Bi and need a feamle in my life as well. I would love to have a female that would love us both... As an equal in the relationship understanding that you can love more than one person and it may be different but as good and deep as you love the other person.

He and I have played with a few women that were good friends but just looking to play and we both realized that's not what we want... There really isn't anything missing from our relationship and no reason to settle or swing so to speak, we are both past that. We want love... All the way around. So just remember there are couples out there that want a real woman with all her emotions, needs and desires.