So much love to give, it doesn't fit into one pot

[Masquerade78]

Intro : I'm 33 yrs, married for almost 8 years, with two beautiful daughters.

How it evolved : I will just jump straight in and explain that after several years of enjoying online fun and flirting, my husband realised his cuckold fantasies and he loved the thought of me being pleasured by someone else. About a year after discussing this, I ended up having a one-night stand with a work colleague after a party, with hubby there and it was amazing. It brought us much closer together and we knew this extra-curricular activity was something we wanted to explore.

My husband is totally mono and whilst any many could fantasise about being with someone else, this isn't something that he currently is interested in. It was the idea of me effectively swinging or having a FWB situation and him being present that we have been looking for since.

I got chatting with a male friend of a friend and we have had two amazing nights, but whilst he has a great personality, I'm not physically attracted to him and just don't wish to continue with it on that basis, because I need to feel chemistry. I am flirtatious in nature and enjoy the banter and attention from other people, but it cuts deeper than that.

Since March this year, an amazing, younger male friend from work and I have kissed, he's been to our house for two awesome evenings and we have shared fun times, slow meaningful sex and the chemistry between us is electric.

I have absolutely no wish to hurt my husband, I love him no less, I don't wish to replace him and I feel I probably want to have my cake and eat it. My husband is feeling understandably out of the picture, because the fast passionate fucking that he gets a kick out of isn't happening and we are effectively making love. I haven't said to my friend that I love him and neither has he, but I could easily see this happening and my husband can visibly see that we are falling for each other and he asked if we pulled the plug, would I continue and have an affair. I have no wish to be deceitful or cause hurt and would not continue behind his back as this can only work with his consent, trust and awareness.

I'm a very attentive, loving person and I feel complete with what is going on with my friend but I can't be selfish and want all this at the risk of hurting my husband.

I have explained to my friend that I am in no way stopping him from finding someone else and whilst it will be hard when he does, I am happy to be a gap-filler until he finds someone who can commit to him.

In my mind, it's feasible to love them both but I'm holding back. Thoughts, comments, warnings all welcomed! Thank you for reading x

[polyexplorer]

Hi Masquerade78,

I get surprised by people's naivity that it's OK for their partners to sleep with others, but by no means get emotionally involved at all. I understand that this might happen at times, but it's also equally possible that emotions do get involved. Perhaps it's even inevitable eventually considering that the act of sex is one fraught with the possibility of connection...

It would therefore seem unfair to me for him to suddenly want to pull the plug on things when it's been OK for him up to this point. Suddenly now it's not OK for him, but he has been the one prepared for you to play with fire so to speak. I imagine it would be heart-breaking to a degree to call things off when you are getting emotionally involved now, and that's not even considering the other guys emotions too...

I can understand that as you get emotionally involved with someone else it is difficult for your husband and more than he bargained for, but he has been keen for this process to start and needs to consider both your and the other person now that things are rolling...

There may be scope to slow down to allow your husband time to work through stuff, but in my opinion, it would be unfair for him now to demand that you stop simply because emotions are now involved. In someways, what did he expect?...

[Masquerade78]

I think the key thing is that my husband and I wanted different things out of this from the outset. We are communicating openly and honestly and I am totally recognising his feelings. He loves me so much and wants me to be happy, so he is not asking me to stop - I just need to be fully aware of how I would feel in his position. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and work out what it is I really want, causing no hurt and being honest all the way x

[redpepper]

You needed/wanted connection with a different man than your husband and he wanted to watch you have nasty sex with someone else. It sounds like you both knew this ahead of time. Thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least for me it did and from what I have heard, for others too.

Usually the people having the sex either have no connection and move on or have a connection and want passion and alone time. Trouble is that for the one watching, they are shit out of luck with the second scenario. The first one means moving on to another nasty fuck, so all is good for them. The second usually means an end to all of it. Love happnes, NRE happens, a desire to settle in and a lack of desire for new nasty fuck buddies. In fact it can become almost disgusting to think that that was even desirable at one point! Yup, such is love/NRE.

It might take some time to adjust. I don't suggest telling your partner that you are good if he go find someone else to fuck. I don't suggest promoting that at all.

I would suggest holding him tight, telling him you love him, telling him things are changing and that you fully intend to explore this with him. That is if you are up for that. Make sure you keep your NRE at bay when you are with him and arrange some fantastically fun things to do with him. Show him you are committed but intend to have your own life and that might include this other guy.

Have a read around here for more, or ask more questions. You have started a journey it seems and it could be great, but by the looks of things could take you in a different direction tham you've been on.

[PixieChick]

"Thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least for me it did and from what I have heard, for others too."

That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too, because it's kind of played out -- I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification, I want some connection, I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a penpal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.

We, like it sounds like the two of you, wanted different things. I am going to communicate openly and honestly with my husband, as you have with yours, and be just as considerate of his feelings and hope it works out as well for me as I'm sure it will for you. Thanks for posting, I'm so encouraged by your story and wish you all the best!!!!

[Ariakas]

That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too, because it's kind of played out -- I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification, I want some connection, I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a penpal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.


Not saying you being passed around is right or wrong.. or anything..

I will comment that some people fear the intimate emotional connection and some fear the sexual connection while others fear both.

He may be terrified of your emotionally cross the line and never coming back to him. :)

While this forum doesn't represent the mentality at all.. fucking is much easier for the average person than love. I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.

[redpepper]

I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.I think it has gotten smaller actually because so many people think porn is the same thing. Sorry, another story, but I have been reading about what porn has done to people sense of closeness, love and sex within it. Passing women around as if they are objects to masturbate into is part of that... and becoming more of what both sexes think is love. Some peoples description of their poly is not helping this I don't think. It's causing people to get fucked up about love and sex. Hyjack, I know, I just find it so interesting. :)

[Masquerade78]

God, this is all so encouraging - daily, I'm re-finding myself, questioning myself, being so self-aware and yet so aware of the feelings involved in this. I do hope PixieChick that it works out for you too - let's keep talking if you're happy to.

At the end of the day, the beginning of the day and throughout - we are only human. What is conventional and accepted by "the norm" isn't necessarily what HAS to suit us.

Life is far too short to be held back by traditional acceptance. Acceptance I think is a key word - feel the fear and do it anyway. Yes it is all scary but talk talk talk to all parties involved - that's what is helping me right now.

I'm reassuring my husband I'm not going to leave him. I'm taking it for what it is with my friend - this is the here and now - it may not be forever, but it feels so right just now.

Listen to the lyrics of Newton Faulkner - If this is it.

Hope we can talk more and thank you to others posting on this thread - it's all good good good to read x

[nycindie]

If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy. Maybe you could express that to your husband, then he might be able to see things from a different perspective.

[Masquerade78]

"If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy."

Thank you nycindie x I think he does acknowledge this but we're in the realms of me ensuring that he knows that this isn't at the expense of him losing me, but is in addition to the love that we share.

I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him and I'm feeling guilty for emotions toward another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them x

[nycindie]

I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him and I'm feeling guilty for emotions toward another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them x

What immediately came to my mind in reading the above sentence of yours is this: Loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the highest, purest expression of being human. So, hold your head high. You are human and have feelings, it's that simple.

It's the contracts we make that can be unreasonable and create problems. Fear of losing someone indicates attachment and possessiveness. He needs to feel secure in your love for him, so he can do away with wanting to hold onto it (you) and know you will be with him of your own accord. With compassion and honesty, it will work it all out.

[Masquerade78]

I also need to remember what my husband enjoys and finds pleasure from, and find a happy medium x

[redpepper]

It can take some time, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Honest and open communication really is a good start I think, as well as a doze of empathy for him.

Have you looked at the "lessons" and "foundations" threads? They might help give both of you some ideas on how to build a good start to this journey.

[Masquerade78]

I will check them out. I think alarm bells are ringing now though as I don't want it to be turned around and used against me :-/

[Masquerade78]

What I'm currently concerned about is that I'm using my relationship with my friend as escapism - as a band aid to make the strains of daily life bearable. My husband knows that I love him, not as father or husband but as a person. I'm on anti-deps cos life is hard and I'm worried that if my friend takesme away from all this, I'm not addressing the deeper issues. Maybe poly isn't for me, and I need to address the deeper issues :-S

[Masquerade78]

I would add that I don't actually wish to be 'pimped out' by my husband!

[redpepper]

It might not be for you. It doesn't matter really, its all about discovering and growing. The labels aren't important anyway, its all what is going on inside of you. Checking in and staying true to yourself is all that matters. You are your own primary.

[MorningTwilight]

I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.

I'm probably being dense, but it seems like there's something very important in this sentence and I'm not getting it.

Would you please elaborate?

Thanks.

[MorningTwilight]

I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him and I'm feeling guilty for emotions toward another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them x

+1000

I kept my feelings secret from my wife for more than a decade, and it made me miserable, ate alive with guilt (despite never getting physical with anyone), shame, self-hatred, and a feeling that I didn't deserve her. It came to permeate every waking moment, and was always in my mind, spoiling (for me) otherwise wonderful time we spent together.

Bottling this up will drive you apart, not keep you close together.

[Masquerade78]

Are you still with your wife if you don't mind be asking? What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with? Being happy with the addition of someone else to as escapism. I want to love them both but I think it may be for the wrong reasons :-/

[MorningTwilight]

Are you still with your wife if you don't mind be asking? What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with? Being happy with the addition of someone else to as escapism. I want to love them both but I think it may be for the wrong reasons :-/

I am. I only "came out" to her three weeks ago, and I very much don't want our marriage to fall apart, so I'm doing as everyone suggests and taking it slow, working on OUR relationship FIRST.

One thing everyone says (many from bitter experience) is that poly will not fix what's wrong with your primary relationship. If anything, it will expose and x-ray every crack.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to work things out with your husband FIRST. You're starting from a very different place than I am, so I'm not sure that I can offer much other than kind words and reassurance. I can say that I don't think it will work out well if you have a boundary-defying affair with your friend, not if "works out well" means "staying married to your husband."

If something your husband wants makes you unhappy (e.g., being 'pimped out'), TELL HIM. If you need something else to make you happy, TELL HIM. It may be an unpleasant conversation, so a little background reading about nonviolent communication, assertive communication, and "I" language may be helpful. Learn the tools you need to say uncomfortable things in a non-accusatory manner, and rehearse using them (yes, imagine the things you want to say--several times--in advance of the actual discussion. It's OK to make notes, too, and refer to them during the actual discussion).

Keeping your voice calm, using non-accusatory language ("own your own shit"), taking a moment to think about what he says in response and to arrest your own immediate reactions so that you can carefully think about what you want to say next, can help to keep the conversation eerily calm, even though you are dealing with intense, difficult issues.

Finally, as I am learning every day, it may take much longer than you like to get where you want to go. That's just the way it is, if you want to accomplish the twin goals of keeping your marriage and satisfying your emotional needs with others.

[nycindie]

What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with?

Oh, no, no, no! Not a good reason to be involved with someone else! That's okay if it's a booty call, but for a relationship - disaster.

When a marriage is in trouble, adding people won't necessarily make it better and could very well make it worse. I hear/read time and time again that for poly to work (for a married couple branching out) the foundation of your relationship must be healthy and strong. I think it would behoove you to look inward rather than outward to see what needs to be fixed. How can you feel whole and satisfied in your life without relying on someone else and how do you both work on being the supportive partners each of you deserve? Love is expansive, not an escape.

And, also, put yourself in the shoes of the person you'd get involved with - essentially they're being used to make you feel better. How would that feel if someone was doing that to you? Escaping from crappy stuff, using you to feel some sense of gratification? If that person has desires beyond just a casual fling, he will be crushed when the day comes that you don't need him as a Band-aid anymore.

Of course, it's totally different if it's just sex as a release, but if you want more... go for more in your marriage, I would say is a healthier solution.

[Carma]

I think there are some questions being asked on this thread that are very insightful! And honest, to contemplate. Sometimes our motives can be unclear -- especially to ourselves.

One thing I'm finding is that my bf has certain qualities that I was attracted to, which turn out to be facets of my own personality that I'd like to strengthen. On the flip side, he is in a transition place in his life and I am fulfilling certain needs for him. So we are having an even exchange, so to speak.

The husband pimping you out? Ha ha I had my funny feelings about that at one point too -- although it was really nothing like that, just a strange feeling, when he was getting pleasure out of my sexual relations with another man. But he was not forcing me to do it, he was not benefiting monetarily (of course not), and the strange feeling soon passed. Now I can deal with it a little better when I realize -- it's ok that he gets some pleasure out of my pleasure! No point in being stingy :p Sometimes he even helps me decide what to wear :) But -- not ALL the time. We're pretty balanced at this point. Poly is working rather well for us at the moment (stay tuned, ha!) It IS a roller coaster, especially at first.

As for the escapism -- don't you think anyone who is living a life where they feel stifled or oppressed, forced into monogamy, unable to be their authentic self, would have some issues with depression??? I find it common here. Not unlike how it is common in the gay community -- living a lie is DEPRESSING. Rejoice in knowing that here, you don't have to live that way ;) I have found a lot of great people here who have "escaped" the old conventions in a brave and creative way, and I am so impressed and inspired. Not to mention encouraged and supported. I hope you will be, too. Welcome to the forum!

[Masquerade78]

I totally agree nycindie - I'm confuzzled and analysing everything. Don't want to hurt anyone and just desperately trying to understand my own motives :-S

[Masquerade78]

I think that I love my husband dearly. I always want him in my life. But I want someone to treat me the way I deserve to bs treated. Life is just too damn short!! I think maybe this isn't the place for me and I just need to sort my head out. Thank you for your help and support x

[MorningTwilight]

I think that I love my husband dearly. I always want him in my life. But I want someone to treat me the way I deserve to bs treated.


So ask for it! As much as you love each other, you cannot read each other's minds. If you do not ask for what you want, you are unlikely to ever get it. It would be a shame for your marriage to not work simply because you were unwilling or afraid to talk to each other!


Life is just too damn short!!


It is indeed, so ask for what you want! Talk with your husband!

[Masquerade78]

If you do not ask for what you want, you are unlikely to ever get it. It would be a shame for your marriage to not work simply because you were unwilling or afraid to talk to each other!

Ok, maybe I need to rehearse the things I need to set but we've been through it many times and it's unlikely he will change :-/

[nycindie]

Well, perhaps you shouldn't be asking for what you want. Instead, tell him what you need.

Be loving but firm. Don't approach it like, "Gee, this is what I want, um, will you change, please, and give it to me?" >>squeak, squeak, little mouse<< Approach it like, "Certain things are unacceptable to me and need to change. I cannot live like this anymore. Let's figure out how we can work together on this." <<Lioness's roar>>