Meeting people online - what's your thing? [Archive]

Derbylicious

04-27-2011, 07:51 PM

This is just my own personal pet peeve so please don't take it personally anyone. I don't get the appeal of meeting people on line at all. The mentality for the most part seems to be one of on line shopping where people are sitting at their desk browsing through a catalog mainly based on the outside physical appearance. When I'm meeting someone I prefer to meet the whole person. I've never been a fan of meeting people through the internet. I'd much rather take part in activities that I enjoy and go to events that interest me. The pool of people might be smaller that way but at the very least I know that if there is a spark (either of friendship or something more) that it is based in something authentic rather than how I look in a couple of pictures and how cleverly I can write (or have someone else write) a profile.

I've also noticed that there is a lack of common decency amongst people on line (my husband's experience more than my own) of people simply ignoring messages from potential suitors. Would it kill you to write something back and say "thank you for the message but..." I might not have much intention of meeting people through dating sites (I have a profile on there to allow for contact with potential interests of my husband) but I will happily carry on a conversation.

This probably isn't the best thread for this rant. And yet again, if on line dating is working for you, have at it. :o

NeonKaos

04-27-2011, 07:57 PM

This is a good topic and I hope you don't mind that I made it its own thread.

I don't mind meeting people online organically, but using dating sites is too much like "shopping" and reminds me of unicorn-hunting where people have some pre-conceived idea of what they would like to find. Like Derby, I prefer to just see who comes along and whether I'm interested or not.

Tapahtyn

04-27-2011, 08:14 PM

yep I agree, i'm finding that out after being out of the dating scene for awhile, you forget how silly online dating can be. I know it will happen when we aren't looking but now that we know it's out there I can't help but wish for another relationship. It does however make it easier for me to talk to other people with the same aspects and learn experiences from others but as far as actually finding someone like NeonKaos said it's better to see who comes along.

SourGirl

04-27-2011, 09:12 PM

For me it`s almost the 'only' way I am willing to date past my primary relationship.

I dont have time, nor interest to do 'poly' get togethers, or go to places where people meet and group. I`ve met lots of great people at swing clubs, but obviously looking for different things then me.
I wont mix business with pleasure in anyway, shape, or form, so allowing relationships to bloom within my hobbies and interests is a no-go.

My babysitter time is very precious, and even it it weren`t for a million responsibilities, I probably would still prefer it.

I like the fact I am not distracted by a persons looks, or gestures. I like taking a long time to chat online before I ever meet a person. I usually chat a month or 2, before meeting someone.

This truly weeds out the wrong kind of people. I met my husband of 10 years from a online chatroom I use to run. We talked for 4 weeks, beforehand. It wasn`t sexual either, just a local chat, some flirt, no 'cybering' or dirty pic exchanges,..and most of all, no pressure. We just felt compelled.
We had huge chemistry the minute we met. :) and all the vanilla changed. ;)

So,..I dont think online takes away from the face to face, it just helps those of us with time constraints, sort out the no-goods before we have to waste time and meet them.
Those that want to meet people 'naturally' ...well that makes great sense. :) My husband is that way too, prefers things to develop of their own accord, so I 'get it'. For me, I prefer to be the approacher, rather then approached, so the 'natural' meet would rarely ever work for someone who came up to me randomly.
I`ve also decided to only get involved with people who have prior open relationship knowledge.

So put all those things together, and it makes sense for someone like me to choose to make new contacts, via online.

Derbylicious

04-27-2011, 09:18 PM

Thanks Neon for giving this it's own thread. :)

Minxxa

04-27-2011, 09:19 PM

I'm not big on the online thing either. Mostly because I don't tend to develop an attraction based on just looks. I do have to be physically attracted to somebody, but that tends to grow based on personality and how we click.

I am up on one site, but honestly I have been so busy lately I hardly check it. Ive found as a lady on dating sites, many times you get an avalanche of emails right away, most of which are one liners (I always picture Joey from friends: "Hey, how YOU doin'?"), and many of which prove they didn't read the profile to begin with. I really should answer them though....

I feel bad about that, if it counts?!

Honestly, right now I just don't have time to go to places to meet anybody. It kind of stinks. Between work/school and family obligations I don't have a lot of free time. I do need to find a hobby or something fun maybe one night a month just to get out of the house for something other than school...

NeonKaos

04-27-2011, 09:32 PM

I'm not big on the online thing either. Mostly because I don't tend to develop an attraction based on just looks. I do have to be physically attracted to somebody, but that tends to grow based on personality and how we click.

This comment fills me full of nostalgia, as does this topic in general.

for, despite the fact that I said I don't look to the internet TO meet people, my first boyfriend was off the old Atari 400/800 BBS System "The Switchboard" run on NiteLite using ASCII/ATASCII at 300/1200 baud. In fact, I met my current/longtime boyfriend/friend through DDial and its real-world social events. But that was back in the 1980's, when having a computer and modem was itself indicative of belonging to a special-interest group (one might even come to refer to it as a "lifestyle", ALMOST). Back in the day, the ONLY way to interact with folks was through text - there were no avatars or "profile pictures" - and men outnumbered women by at least 50:1 (and yes, i'm pulling numbers out of my ass), so for all you guys who think it's so HAAAAARD (and not in a good way) to get women to notice your OKCupid profile, just be glad you're NOW instead of THEN; imagine your plight if you were trying to pick up chicks on DDial.

Things sure have changed with technology, but one thing is constant - shallow people can be found just about anywhere you look, and so can interesting ones.

Ariakas

04-27-2011, 09:33 PM

How do you mean by finding people online. A meat market setup like okc or by chat rooms like this?

I have been online longer the html has been around. I am social online and in real life and have met lots of friends online. Romantically I had never found anyone online until SG.. and the reality is she found me. Not visa versa.

With online you do only get part of the person until you start diving in. The reality is, I bet you learn more about a person. You do miss some of their physical nuances but the conversation is clean and logical. You can find better common ground to meet on..

I think I find a balance between meeting people socially and online. I think sometimes online can create an even stronger bond because you have to find other ways to mesh, instead of relying on pure physical connection.

Ariakas

04-27-2011, 09:34 PM

This comment fills me full of nostalgia, as does this topic in general.

for, despite the fact that I said I don't look to the internet TO meet people, my first boyfriend was off the old Atari 400/800 BBS System "The Switchboard" run on NiteLite using ASCII/ATASCII at 300/1200 baud. In fact, I met my current/longtime boyfriend/friend through DDial and its real-world social events. But that was back in the 1980's, when having a computer and modem was itself indicative of belonging to a special-interest group (one might even come to refer to it as a "lifestyle", ALMOST). Back in the day, the ONLY way to interact with folks was through text - there were no avatars or "profile pictures" - and men outnumbered women by at least 50:1 (and yes, i'm pulling numbers out of my ass), so for all you guys who think it's so HAAAAARD (and not in a good way) to get women to notice your OKCupid profile, just be glad you're NOW instead of THEN; imagine your plight if you were trying to pick up chicks on DDial.

Things sure have changed with technology, but one thing is constant - shallow people can be found just about anywhere you look, and so can interesting ones.

Ahhh nostalgia... yes I remember those. Typing faster than the speed of the connection. I ran a multi node bbs on one of those 300 baud modems. I almost shit myself when I upgraded to 2400 baud.

Derbylicious

04-27-2011, 09:38 PM

How do you mean by finding people online. A meat market setup like okc or by chat rooms like this?

I was referring to the meat market type of online.

Ariakas

04-27-2011, 09:49 PM

I was referring to the meat market type of online.

:)... in that case, I don't know. I tried okc, but found it.. too contrived. I am oddly really shy in that design. I had better luck in real life talking to people.

Tonberry

04-27-2011, 11:27 PM

At first I thought your thread would be about meeting people online in general, but reading your post you mean dating sites.
In which case, beats me, then again I wouldn't go to the real life equivalent (going to a place where they make you meet a bunch of single and you pick who you want to see again).

However, meeting people online is my thing. Not on purpose at all, just because I'm not very social outside and I spend a lot of time online, like right now. So I usually grow more connections this way, and they can develop into friendship or relationships.

Really, it's the same as yours. I meet people usually on forums, therefore I meet people who have a common interest with me (that forum) and not just random people, and sometimes more happens. It's closer to joining a club and happening to socialise with the other members.

As for why it works for me, I think it's because it's easier to open yourself up online than face to face, when you don't have to look someone in the eye and don't know what each other looks like so it feels more "abstract" in a way, and you're less vulnerable by being yourself. You don't need to hide behind a persona because you're already behind a computer.

At the very least I know I'm more myself online when talking on forums, even when it's my first post on a forum, than I am in social occasions when meeting people for the first time. It takes me much longer to even talk to people when we're face to face. I think the Internet is great for the socially awkward.

But as I don't understand the whole concept of "hey, I wanna date someone now" (without a specific person already in mind), I don't get online dating at all, or matchmaking serviced in general.

NeonKaos

04-27-2011, 11:36 PM

At first I thought your thread would be about meeting people online in general, but reading your post you mean dating sites.

Derby posted this in "How are you doing" and I moved it to its own thread and gave it the title. Sorry about the misunderstanding that it created, but I think there's room for more than one angle to this discussion.

TL4everu2

04-28-2011, 12:25 AM

I don't know of any other places to meet people. Sad isn't it? I was actually going to make a thread about where and how to meet new people. Any ideas? Because OKC doesn't work for me.

Derbylicious

04-28-2011, 12:28 AM

I don't know of any other places to meet people. Sad isn't it? I was actually going to make a thread about where and how to meet new people. Any ideas? Because OKC doesn't work for me.

What do you enjoy doing? Seems to me if you're open about who you are and what your relationship structure is the right sort of people will just kind of find you. I do know that you have mentioned before not liking your local poly group much otherwise I would suggest that.

LovingRadiance

04-28-2011, 12:34 AM

I have enjoyed talking on message board, getting to "know" people that way.

I've only MET in real life-2 people who I "met" on a message board. ;) They were awesome and the experience has motivated me to REALLY long to go meet more of the people in their general area.

As far as dating goes-not my thing. I really am a "what is the sense I get around this person" kind of girl.

As a rule of thumb:

If I get a "good feeling" hanging around someone, I will hang around them more. If that goes well, I will eventually invite them to hang around my "group". If that goes well and they become a "good fit" in my circle, then I will consider the possibility of dating.

TL4everu2

04-28-2011, 11:10 AM

What do you enjoy doing? Seems to me if you're open about who you are and what your relationship structure is the right sort of people will just kind of find you. I do know that you have mentioned before not liking your local poly group much otherwise I would suggest that.The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....

Derbylicious

04-28-2011, 04:11 PM

The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....

It could be there are other people in your area who feel the same way as you do about your local poly group. Have you ever thought about starting up your own events based on things you like to do (ie pub nights to watch MMA)? It might be a slow start but who knows, it could catch on.

ETA Invite the people who are currently in the poly group and invite them to send the invite to poly friendly people who might be interested in the event.

opalescent

04-28-2011, 05:19 PM

I've had good experiences so far with dating sites and with meeting people 'the old fashioned way' through friends and poly groups. However, I'm not looking for serious, committed partners - if I was, I suspect my experience on dating sites would be very different.

I met SW through mutual friends. My best friend dated him for a time and I met him through her. I met Oil Man through Plenty of Fish. Yes, there is a lot of dreck messages. I figure if they can't bother sending a real message, I can't be bothered to respond.

I soon realized that my profile inadvertently reads like a fantasy come true (bi-ish female with female partner seeks casual relationships with men = SCORE for many male POFers). This results in lots of messages about threesomes and if my partner wanted to watch, etc. It's been very entertaining!

Unfortunately, I've had zippo luck in meeting women on POF in part because POF does not allow one to state an interest in both. I am on OKC too but find that my profile has not generated much interest. Not sure why.

Carma

04-28-2011, 06:07 PM

Sundance (my husband) has had a tough time with online dating so far. Well, he is not sure he is really poly, for one thing, so that is a problem. It's ME who wants him to have more love. I wish there were a way for me to advertise him! Because one of his most endearing qualities is his humble nature -- how can you attract people online if you don't toot your own horn? Always comes across as so pompous and fake. The other thing is, a picture would speak for itself, he is very handsome, BUT -- we want to be discreet. He found a really great girl on one of the sites, I encouraged him to converse with her, send a pic, etc --- turns out our kids go to the SAME SCHOOL. Shit. Too close for comfort. And he didn't exactly present himself, or our situation, as poly -- he said that I have a boyfriend, and we are just starting the separation process, and that our kids don't know yet. That's not going to work. Even though -- we've gone thru some rough patches lately where we actually WERE on the brink of separating, so it wasn't a complete lie... Still, it would be very awkward to have her see us together at a school function or something, being all lovey with each other. Not to mention if we know any mutual acquaintances. I mean, we are just not "out."

He did get a couple of aggressive women who were really interested in a serious relationship, which freaked him out. One kept texting him all day long, another reamed him out for not responding soon enough to one of her messages.

He's tried going out to bars but that has been a sad scene so far. Lots of desperate people.

Other than that, he works long hours with a long commute every day, and wants to be with his family and works out regularly, and has not come across anyone who he could spark something up with. I don't even have any friends who would be prospects for him. And yes -- he is pretty picky. She'd have to be very attractive -- he is very fit and does put a lot of effort into looking good and would only appreciate the same. Yet, he is older than he looks, so it's not like he can go out and pick up the carefree girls in their 20's. (And wouldn't want to -- our daughters are in their 20's!)

Anyways -- it's a jungle out there! I guess he's sorta stuck with me for now.

Magdlyn

04-30-2011, 12:04 PM

...he is older than he looks, so it's not like he can go out and pick up the carefree girls in their 20's. (And wouldn't want to -- our daughters are in their 20's!)

Funny, I have no problem with age gaps, as long as the 20something in question is mature for his age. Lots of older guys are just as immature as some 20somethings, and then add in wrinkles, unfortunate walrus mustaches, a tendency to monologue, and being out of touch with modern life/technology/music/politics... meh.

Also! Older guys are intimidated by condoms. Some act like they're doing me a favor to use one, others tell me if they put one on, they'd lose their erection. :rolleyes:

MonoVCPHG

05-01-2011, 03:34 AM

The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....

I can relate. Most of the people in my local poly circle of friends have much different opinions and interests than I do...fighting is one of them!! I get it.

rory

05-01-2011, 07:33 AM

However, meeting people online is my thing. Not on purpose at all, just because I'm not very social outside and I spend a lot of time online, like right now. So I usually grow more connections this way, and they can develop into friendship or relationships.

Really, it's the same as yours. I meet people usually on forums, therefore I meet people who have a common interest with me (that forum) and not just random people, and sometimes more happens. It's closer to joining a club and happening to socialise with the other members.

Same here! :) It hasn't been on purpose, but I have met many nice people online, some of whom I have become close friends with. This is also how I met my girlfriend. Neither of us was looking for a relationship and we first met irl as friends, but there was more going on once we got together. :p

I can concider people close even if I haven't ever met them, but I tend to think as friends only people I've met at least once. After that it doesn't matter if most of our communication happens on the Internet, we can still be friends if there is enough contact. In a romantic relationship I find the real-life connection more important (although online communication is definitely a nice bonus!).

MindfulAgony

05-03-2011, 05:22 AM

Online dating has always seemed natural to me. Way back in 1996, I met who would become my wife on Yahoo! Personals. I've essentially been online dating since Mosaic became the browser of choice. I understand, however, that the dynamic is completely different for men than for women. Women are literally bombarded with a platoon of messages from a host of seedy and near seedy characters. The gems are few and far between it seems. If I were on the other end, I might be as turned off from it as others.

I do send messages. But, my strategy is to craft a very authentic and relatively telling portrait of myself and let interesting people self select. I usually get a message or two every couple of weeks and they tend to be more interesting and interested than the messages I send to others. Seems to work.

I have trouble with meeting someone in other contexts while poly. I am progressively being more and more open about being poly - but it's not something I talk about very quickly in getting to know people. So, that's a barrier to meeting people in daily life. I do attend poly gatherings when I can. But, I have no real intention in finding dating partners in those settings. I'd be happy if it happened. But, if I put that kind of pressure on attending those events, I fear I'd never go!

Ivy

05-03-2011, 06:37 AM

Christ on toast, I forgot about Mosaic.

I feel old now.

NeonKaos

05-03-2011, 12:33 PM

Christ on toast, I forgot about Mosaic.

I feel old now.

You're not that old, unless you also forgot about CP/M.

Ariakas

05-03-2011, 01:40 PM

You're not that old, unless you also forgot about CP/M.

Hahahahaha

NeonKaos

05-03-2011, 01:41 PM

Hahahahaha

Did you forget about CP/M Ari?

Ariakas

05-03-2011, 02:47 PM

Did you forget about CP/M Ari?

I did actually. It was the os on my old 8086. Right around the time I had an apple IIc as well.

I usually come back with "well before html was even a protocol".. but you trumped me. hahah

I was young but I still remember the hoopla around filename size changes to 8.3 hahah..

NeonKaos

05-03-2011, 03:36 PM

Derbylicious

05-03-2011, 04:47 PM

I'm about the same chronological age as the rest of you and this is all gobbledygook to me :D

Magdlyn

05-05-2011, 04:16 AM

...I've also noticed that there is a lack of common decency amongst people on line (my husband's experience more than my own) of people simply ignoring messages from potential suitors. Would it kill you to write something back and say "thank you for the message but..."

Honestly, Derby, a lot of these guys don't deserve a response. One recent msg I got said: "Sexy." That's all he wrote. An even more recent msg (from a 38 year old, no spring chicken):

Hello there my name is "X,"
I was just checking out your profile and i wanted to send you a message.
You sound so nice just my type of woman and what im looking for :)
And your pic's you are so attractive omg so sexy :)
I would really like to get to know you more and hopefully meet up and i hope all goes well with us :)
i also prefer older woman i always have my ex is 46
i would like to try having sex with a woman in her 50's to see how it is :)
When you get a chance message me back i hope to hear from you "X"

If he doesn't know when to use "woman" as opposed to "women," has never heard of a comma or period, and can't bother to capitalize "I," he doesn't rate a response. Not to mention the crass mention of "trying" sex with a 50-something, like I am a carnival sideshow.

BlackUnicorn

05-05-2011, 09:57 AM

I think a lot of people try on-line dating to work around a particular form of social awkwardness. Gf, however, is a tough cookie to date. She just isn't ready to put in the effort to get to meet new people. For her, even on-line dating is too much hassle.

I went on-line in the first place in order to meet girls outside of a loud bar setting. I've met friends on-line but no romantic partners. Okay, so I do pursue somewhat aggressively, so maybe that puts some people off. Bona fide lesbians ignore me with the 'not interested in fence-sitters', which is why, I have to admit, I am not always totally forthcoming about my male partners. Also, I don't get the subtle messages many women send, so to me, it just seems like mixed signals, and I'm not really interested in people who can't say upfront what they want.

I was reading a book about extremely introverted people (gf is one such) and it had a nice listing of how introverts might get to meet others like them. One tactic was to ask more extroverted partners to hook them up with someone who is more like them (worked for Mr. and Mrs. Sweets, and worked later for me and Mrs). And happy hours in bars, gyms and cocktail parties should be avoided. Instead, the author suggested hitting events like adult ed courses, outdoor clubs, Unitarian/Quaker churches, study groups on esoterica, art classes, lectures on depth psychology, poetry evenings, Mensa, symphonies/operas/ballets and the lectures given before those performances, plus spiritual retreats.

I've been toying with the idea of whether I should try attending the local Hearing Society to meet others who share my particular shade of awkward :).

Derbylicious

05-05-2011, 04:16 PM

Honestly, Derby, a lot of these guys don't deserve a response. One recent msg I got said: "Sexy." That's all he wrote. An even more recent msg (from a 38 year old, no spring chicken):

If he doesn't know when to use "woman" as opposed to "women," has never heard of a comma or period, and can't bother to capitalize "I," he doesn't rate a response. Not to mention the crass mention of "trying" sex with a 50-something, like I am a carnival sideshow.

I don't get messaged often at all so I do answer all of mine (even if it is just with a thank you for your message but I'm not interested). I figure it takes some guts to initiate contact and it's just polite of me to acknowledge their message.

My husband sends out thoughtful and interesting messages to women and doesn't get anything back about 80% of the time. It just seems rude to me to not answer.

ETA although I do roll my eyes when I get the "nice ass" messages with no other content. I did bring that one on myself though with the profile pic that I put up.

nycindie

05-06-2011, 03:37 AM

. . . a lot of these guys don't deserve a response. . . . If he doesn't know when to use "woman" as opposed to "women," has never heard of a comma or period, and can't bother to capitalize "I," he doesn't rate a response. Not to mention the crass mention of "trying" sex with a 50-something, like I am a carnival sideshow.

HAR-HAR! I get so many messages like that. I don't feel an obligation to answer idiots.

Here's another lame one I received:

Him: Hi....saw you visited my profile...what did you think?

That was it. The online version of "Oh, let's not talk about me - let's talk about you! What do you think of me?" Now, I did respond to him and told him to put better pictures up (since he asked). He had a B&W acting headshot of himself, clearly from the 80s (oh, the sweater!), and one of himself dressed like Johnny Depp's pirate character from that stupid movie. I normally wouldn't have answered such a useless message, but couldn't resist complying with his request for an opinion in this case.

And that brings up another question: why do so many guys post pictures of themselves in Halloween costumes? WTF? Are they trying to show how creative they are, their sense of humor ("look at me dressed as a tampon, nyuk-nyuk!"), or do they really want to scare the bejeezus out of me by letting me know that a date with them will end up with blood dripping down his face?

Sometimes, it's a jungle out there, folks. An online dating jungle.

Magdlyn

05-06-2011, 01:12 PM

Here are a few more winners

what to say...what to say...I'm stumped so I will just say Hi..

Hi,

I'm a 28-year-old married Indian guy from "X", MA but work in "X", MA. I'm a highly educated working professional, clean, fit, sane and d&d free. I'm looking for a hot discreet nsa fun with a mature woman of your age. I have never done this before. Also, I see you have a woman partner, I wouldn't mind her joining if you think she can ;-).

I have always fantasized of being with an older woman(milf/cougar type), but never been with one.

Please revert back , if you are interested. We can then chat on IM(yahoo?), share more info, pics and go from there.

Hope to hear from you.
cheers!
"A"

My profile says I am not looking for casual hookups. And I get that "can your gf join us?" all the time.

Interesting...

If you feel horny and want to skype...let me know ;)

With yr permission, Id love to sit you on my LAP, and play in your hair, until you melt ALL OVER like butter..... And when you do, lay uoi DOWN and sloooooowly taste your STRAWBERRY....

GIO~

:eek:

So do you like bi-men?

hello my name is "X" male in "Y" nh u sound so awsome id love to just talk and get to know u

...zzzzzz...

And then there are the guys who just send a "wink" with no message. :rolleyes:

NeonKaos

05-06-2011, 01:34 PM

Here are a few more winners

My profile says I am not looking for casual hookups. And I get that "can your gf join us?" all the time.

:eek:

...zzzzzz...

And then there are the guys who just send a "wink" with no message. :rolleyes:

So much for the theory that women have such an easier time finding partners than men do. Sure, we probably get hit on and have more OPPORTUNITIES to GET LAID with less effort; but look at what we're dealing with here. Of course, I guess some men would like it if they received messages such as, "Hi I'm a 28-year-old married Brazilian woman who wants to try anal sex with a man in his 40's or 50's. Let's Skype and exchange nudie photos, tee-hee!" That would be considered a "successful" foray into the world of online dating, no?

Carma

05-06-2011, 05:12 PM

Mag --

That one who wanted to play in your hair till you melt like butter ..... wooooo had me going until the strawberry crash and dive, haha!

TL4everu2

05-10-2011, 12:57 PM

And then there are the guys who just send a "wink" with no message.Sorry Mags....I am one of those guys. I figure that if I send a wink, it will prompt the woman to look at my profile...if she likes what she see's, she can wink back, and THEN I'll start a dialogue.

Make sense?

So much for the theory that women have such an easier time finding partners than men do. Sure, we probably get hit on and have more OPPORTUNITIES to GET LAID with less effort; but look at what we're dealing with here. Of course, I guess some men would like it if they received messages such as, "Hi I'm a 28-year-old married Brazilian woman who wants to try anal sex with a man in his 40's or 50's. Let's Skype and exchange nudie photos, tee-hee!" That would be considered a "successful" foray into the world of online dating, no?Neon, It was long touted that it was "just as difficult for a woman to get a date", on one of these dating sites, as it was for a man. This is (obviously) not true. Men have a MUCH harder time getting women to even LOOK at their profiles, let alone getting women to CONTACT them....or even RESPOND to them, when the man initiates the contact.

My own wife was one that thought it was "just as hard for women as it was for men"....Until SHE made two almost identical profiles....One for a man (me), and one for a woman (her). She got guys contacting her daily. Two or three per day. My profile sat for almost a eek with no-one even LOOKING at it. After two weeks, and numerous messages sent by me to various women, I finally got a response. The response I got? "Is your wife bi?". :rolleyes: Look, I don't think I'm a "fugly" type of guy. I mean, I'm on the thinner side, and in decent shape. Blond hair, blue eyes, 6'4", 170, etc etc etc. Bottom line? Most women view guys who are looking for women on a dating site...as low lifes who are simply looking to get laid. Add to that already low view of us, the fact that MOST women are NOT into dating a married man. My "dating pool" just turned into a puddle....if not smaller.

Sad reality,
women on a dating site = cool
Men on a dating site = pathetic

:( Wish it were different, but it's not.

*Puts on flame suit*

BlackUnicorn

05-10-2011, 01:17 PM

Depends a bit if you have pics on or not. I don't have pictures on my profile, and get little traffic. Men still contact me, though - especially after I added the 'looking for casual sex' to my interests :D.

It is much easier for women to find casual male sexual partners. I have a further theory on why there is a gender/orientation imbalance in poly, but it requires polishing.

Ariakas

05-10-2011, 03:45 PM

OK then you're older than I am in computer years because I never forgot about CP/M. I had a Xerox 820-II which was nothing more than an 8086 in a plastic shell with the word "Xerox" on it.

For the history and trivia junkies:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/CP/M

I still remember overclocking my 8086.. ok not overclocking per se. But installing my first mathco processor haha..

I'm about the same chronological age as the rest of you and this is all gobbledygook to me :D

My mom was a punch card programmer for a university in ontario... I had my fingers tangled in copper at a young age haha (my first computer was actually an apple IIc

Magdlyn

05-10-2011, 05:41 PM

Sorry Mags....I am one of those guys. I figure that if I send a wink, it will prompt the woman to look at my profile...if she likes what she see's, she can wink back, and THEN I'll start a dialogue.

Make sense?

In theory, but no. If a guy doesnt take the trouble to write a message indicating he's read my profile by mentioning a couple things I've written, and how he either shares some interests, or is at least intrigued by them, I'm not likely to write back. A wink just seems lazy and lame.

If I just wanted a quick lay, a wink with a couple words about how sexy my pix are would be acceptable. But since I am seeking a guy who has the potential to be interested in me as a whole person, not just my vagina, I need more to go on.

nycindie

05-10-2011, 08:46 PM

Most women view guys who are looking for women on a dating site...as low lifes who are simply looking to get laid.
Totally not true. Pretty much everyone I know has used an online dating site at least once in their lives. And you can't generalize about women's attitudes anyway.

But no one's saying that women don't get a lot of responses. But it is just as hard for a woman to find someone of quality and worthwhile of her time, as it is for a man. I joined OKC in November '10, and it took about a month before I had any bites. I have a very full inbox, but if I showed you the list of people I've blocked or hidden, you might be amazed - it's fucking huge. I have only actually met four men from OKC in all those months, though I've had conversations with more than that. Very few of them seem to be worth my time, unfortunately.

And I agree with Mags - send only a wink, you doom yourself to the hidden users pile or being blocked. I only respond to men who write something that references my profile n some way and shows me that they took the time to read it, not just look at my pics to see if I'm fuckable according to their physical standards.

TL4everu2

05-11-2011, 12:46 AM

(my first computer was actually an apple IIcMine was the Apple IIe. The first one I actually used at school was a Comodore 64.

In theory, but no. If a guy doesnt take the trouble to write a message indicating he's read my profile by mentioning a couple things I've written, and how he either shares some interests, or is at least intrigued by them, I'm not likely to write back. A wink just seems lazy and lame.

If I just wanted a quick lay, a wink with a couple words about how sexy my pix are would be acceptable. But since I am seeking a guy who has the potential to be interested in me as a whole person, not just my vagina, I need more to go on.I understand...So you are wanting a guy who has more balls and isn't afraid of rejection? (makes sense to me)

Totally not true. Pretty much everyone I know has used an online dating site at least once in their lives. And you can't generalize about women's attitudes anyway. 1st: MOST women I know, have never used a dating website. Notice I said "most". I know quite a few women.

2nd: Actually, I CAN generalize. If experience has shown me that MOST women think or act a certain way, then it stands to reason that while not ALL act or think that way, certainly most of the ones I socialize with do.

But no one's saying that women don't get a lot of responses. But it is just as hard for a woman to find someone of quality and worthwhile of her time, as it is for a man. I joined OKC in November '10, and it took about a month before I had any bites. I have a very full inbox, but if I showed you the list of people I've blocked or hidden, you might be amazed - it's fucking huge. I have only actually met four men from OKC in all those months, though I've had conversations with more than that. Very few of them seem to be worth my time, unfortunately.Law of averages says that if you are trying to sell something, a minimum of 1 person for every 100, will buy your product. No matter how poor of a salesperson you are. So, since the product is ME, I will need at least 100 responses before I get one person who is actually interested.

Lets say it's the same for a woman.

Now, you say that you have had your profile active since November.....but you haven't responded to many people. In fact, you have responded to four. Out of how many e-mails? 200? 400? The law of averages works against men in this instance. I had a profile on OKC....I left it up for a cpl months. I got 3 women who actually sent me anything. These were all responses to me sending them something first. I sent out a max of about 20 e-mails. Of the e-mails I responded to, I got one bite worth anything. It was good for about 2 weeks, then turned sour.

Am I bitter? I may sound like it, but I'm really not. It sucks that SOME women are more shallow than SOME men in some aspects, but it also sucks that SOME men are such pigs and think that women are just sex objects. But the cold reality is that a man is like a fish in a school of other fish. He has to try harder than the others or have some attribute which none of the others has, in order to be noticed by a suitable female. While a woman is more like a precious oyster. Few and far between, and hard to find...but once one is found, getting through to them is almost harder than finding them.

And I agree with Mags - send only a wink, you doom yourself to the hidden users pile or being blocked. I only respond to men who write something that references my profile n some way and shows me that they took the time to read it, not just look at my pics to see if I'm fuckable according to their physical standards.I can respect this, ladies. ;) Now that I know, I may re-adjust my searching and meeting tactics. Thank you for this insight. ;)

Tonberry

05-11-2011, 03:12 PM

I don't have a profile in any dating site, but if I did, and got lots of messages (as women seem to), I definitely would need more than a wink for it to stand out of the crowd. A wink is like showing up to a party where the woman is going and all the other guests are male, and hoping she's the one who will notice you and come to talk to you. While she's busy pushing away the jerks and trying to get to know the non-jerks who talked to her.

Really, I think people tend to appreciate when they're being given attention to. So yes, you need to read the profile, and write a message that doesn't look like it's the same you send to every woman you meet. Mentioning bits of her profile that you found interesting, for instance, and talking about how they might relate to you (you do want her to know more about you as well).
And making sure not to have details that go against the profile. So if someone says she's not looking for casual sex, don't offer casual sex. If she says she's looking for someone over under 30 and you're 45, don't send a message, even if you say "I know I'm older but let's give it a try!"
You should see such requests as non-negotiable if they were important enough to be put there. It would be like contacting a woman who says she's gay on her profile and asking her if she wants to experiment with you.

I would also ask some questions, as that gives her something to reply. If she thinks you're nice but doesn't know what to reply and decides to reply later, she might very well forget.

I don't know if these sites have subject lines in the messages, but if they do, try to come up with something that's relevant to her and friendly. Possibly humorous. Avoid just having "hi" as your subject line, I mean if she goes to her mailbox and all her messages are variations on "hello/hi/hey" yours is just going to be one of the lot. If it's, I don't know "I like x too" (where x is something she says she likes on her profile... and something you do like, incidentally) it might have a bigger chance of even being read.

Really, I think sometimes it's just the guys not bothering with the selection process. It seems to me so many guys write to just anyone. If they read the profiles carefully and only replied when there actually is a match, they'd get way more replies. As it is, the screening process has to be done by the women when they decide not to reply. And that include such screening as "hey, I don't match what he's looking for" that the guy should be the one to screen for.

TL4everu2

05-12-2011, 01:18 AM

Very good ideas Tonberry. However, most of the time when I send out an e-mail to someone new, I usually TRY to make sure I put something relevant in the subject line....I still get ignored. Meah....I like all these ideas though ladies.....ALL of them are good.

Now, for your lesson....You probably already know this, but...if you include a nice clean pic in your profile, and also include a isolated phrase that says something like "If you are simply looking for a quick hook-up, move on please", it may help to weed out the idiots a bit.

For me, I know that on OKC, I look at the questions that the woman has answered. There are two questions on OKC that are super relevant to my situation. 1) Would you ever consider dating someone who is married or in an open relationship? and 2) Would you ever consider a relationship with more than one person. i.e. polyamory

Now, if the answer to BOTH of these questions, is "no"...Then I move on and don't bother. If the answer to ONE is "no, but the other is "yes", then I look a little closer and do more investigation. In my area, there are about 25 women who are open to polyamory, on OKC, that I have found. (and I've searched a LOT of profiles) And none of them are a really good "match" for me. i.e. we get into different things, or I'm not attracted to them in any way shape or form. Just sayin.

nycindie

05-12-2011, 05:31 PM

And the good thing about OKC is that we can see whenever someone looks at our profiles (unless they have a paid acct and turn that off). So, winks are really not needed, because I look at my list of "visitors" for anyone promising. If I notice that someone has peeped my profile numerous times over a few weeks (or even months), and I've read his profile and get a good vibe, I will contact him and say something to the effect of, "You've checked me out a few times, let's have a conversation." And then I do pretty much what Tonberry suggests, in reference to his profile.

Magdlyn

05-16-2011, 12:16 PM

I took a week break from OKC. Sat and Sun I had some free time while my gf was at her bf's, so I went back on. 3 guys contacted me.

First one: no profile essays, but several cute pix, and he'd filled out his stats. 35, phd in engineering. He PMed me:

"Hi... how are you? Any exciting plans for tonight? "

Just a nice normal opening gambit. He got a response from me and we PMed back and forth a few times. He's originally from Quebec, seems nice and normal and can type using capital letters and punctuation properly. So, potential. Said he'd had a busy day, but wanted something exciting to do that night, and if we knew each other better, he'd ask me out for a movie or drinks. I still don't quite know why he contacted me, or what he is looking for relationship-wise.

Bachelor Number 2: yesterday, he IMed me, telling me he's in a 10 year sexless marriage and would like something "discreet" with me. Loved the pic of me in my black velvet dress, "So seductive." I replied, "I do not wish to be your cumdumpster, sir." He fell over himself apologizing and I chatted with him just to see how he could think I'd wanna fuck a married mono guy, who would cheat on the wife whom he claimed to love and respect. Bleh. Clueless. He also asked if my gf could join him and me in 3way sex. *puke*

This morning, Bachelor Number 3-- with no pix, no essays, no stats, and he lives 118 miles away.

"Hi there how are you. I came across your profile and I thought that at least it warranted a sweet hello. You seem very interesting and I would love to chat up with you. A bit about self I'm 25 athletic build hazel eyes dark hair 5,8". Sorry about the no pic thing but I have too. If you are Interested I am on facebook."

Misuse of capitalization, misuse of punctuation, misspellings, generic PM indicating it's something he sends to everyone. Will get no response.

TL4everu2

05-16-2011, 12:36 PM

Magdlyn

05-16-2011, 12:43 PM

Interesting Mags...You got more responses in 1 week than I did in 1 month! :rolleyes: I would love for a woman to send me a message....ANY message....out of the blue. Even if it's to tell me I'm totally Fugly and ask why the hell I was on OKC.

Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?

You and your "always." I used to message guys all the time. I msged D, who I've now been with for 2+ years (altho *whine* now he's too busy to see me). I also have messaged about 3 dozen other men, at least. A few of them I ended up seeing for 1-7 months.

But, I am an assertive, feminist, not traditionally feminine woman. The last couple days, I went to OKC, looked at a few profiles, but didn't feel inspired to contact anyone first.

Most men I've dated seem to love the thrill of the hunt as much as, or more than, the actual dates. More than they are really interested in me as a person, they just seem to want a conquest, but bail when things actually progress. "There's no there there."

TL4everu2

05-16-2011, 01:33 PM

Magdlyn

05-16-2011, 01:37 PM

And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?

SourGirl

05-16-2011, 05:50 PM

Yes, me and my "always". I have yet to be messaged by a woman....for anything.....where she is the initiator. Oh well. I am not usually attracted to women who are not "feminine", so I guess I have to simply be more assertive. ;)

Well there is probably one of your issues right there. The law of averages may be so, but you are a alternative thinking guy, in a alternative-type relationship. You need to *surprise* ! ....look at alternatives, in your 'usual' thought processes.
You will only live up to your own low expectations if you run with the law of averages. Equating f'eminine' with 'initiation' is a good way to eliminate people.

You have put 100% of people into one category. According to you, you have a 100% failure rate.

I`m not exactly hard on the eyes, (by 'feminine' standards) and I usually prefer to be the approacher in getting to know people. Rare ? Maybe.
Maybe not as rare as people who stick to averages may think ? I know at least 2 other women who are just like this.

*************

Reading this thread is very interesting. I really wonder if the cynical, tired-of-peoples-shit, attitudes draws exactly the wrong people ?

As long as someone tries to be polite to me in a message, I`ll respond. Even if it wasn`t what I was looking for, or someone obviously didnt read my profile.
Due to how some people respond from that, I have a bit more faith in humanity on dating sites :p

Here is a recent example :

Hi, I'm going to be in town next week. Are you interested in getting together?

B. Sent from the OkCupid app
Report this
Message from B*****
-----------------------------

May 13, 2011 – 1:50pm
Nope.
Take care, have fun. :)
-----------------------------

May 13, 2011 – 5:57pm
My appologies. I thought for sure your profile said you were into to casual sex. Clearly I was my mistaken. I also didn't notice that you were married. Wow, was I half asleep when I messaged you? Sorry about that. Thanks for replying and being politie about it. Happy fishing. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Cheers,

B.

-------------

So maybe he hoped being polite might make me feel bad,...maybe not. Maybe it was genuine. Either way,..does it matter ? I can choose to hold on to the negatives of any interactions, until they accumulate in my head, or I can choose to hold onto the positives, and run with that.

Here is one that is kinda funny, received today.......
-------------------------------------
No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting
here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided
I want to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown
you are. (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your legs look
like they were crafted by Aphrodites herself). So I invite you to
take a look at my profile and if I have a similar effect on you
message me back.
Report this
18% Enemy79% Friend81% Match Message from nor**********
---------------------------------------------

^^ I`ll probably answer in a cheeky way, and have fun with it. Be clear I`m not interested, but at least he had a response, and I got a laugh. He might be experimenting, hoping to start something based on shock value, but there is no law that says I have to respond after I have said no. Anyhow, thats my thoughts on the subject.

TL4everu2

05-16-2011, 06:17 PM

Sourgirl, The second guy my wife would likely have responded to also. LOL The first guy, would have been an ignore for my wife. I am not so cras as to send a "hook up" message. I am, afterall, looking for more than just a casual hook up.

Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point. ;)

TL4everu2

05-16-2011, 06:20 PM

And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?Magdlyn, I'll send you a link to my OKC profile in a while. I've had it turned off/on pause for the last month or so. The reason? I got frustrated with it, and with "poly". I was simply.....frustrated. And didn't want to date anyone, or see anyone in any way shape or form. Work was more than enough. LOL

nycindie

05-16-2011, 07:48 PM

Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?
Sometimes, TL, I think in your head, you live in the 1950s, with the things you say about women and men, really! Always non-aggressive? Ask the guy I met on the subway last night how long it took for me to strike up a conversation with him, give him my card, and ask him to call me. I mean, I grew up reading Cosmo, I could never sit back and "always" be non-aggressive!

If you're not getting contacted, I'd say there's some issue with your profile, or the fact that you're married, poly, etc., that just limits interest. If you start a journal there, it might generate some interest. I always get lots of views when I post to my journal.

I would say that 95% of the guys I have email exchanges with on OKC were ones that I contacted first. I send tons of emails to guys. I have had men write back and say they aren't interested, but most don't write back. I know my beauty can be intimidating to mere mortals, but...

I have read in the OKC journals several times that most men on there wait for women to contact them first, for some reason. I really wish more of the guys I am attracted to would reach out to me initially. Usually, the ones that do are duds. It's only a very small percentage of men who contact me first that are someone I'd be interested in.

That being said, something good has recently developed and has me very excited, so we'll see. And this one is actually someone who contacted me first, BUT he admits that it was an "accident" of sorts. He was perusing OKC on his iphone, and did not see my location, just my pic. So he clicked on it, started reading, and had to respond. Normally, he said, he wouldn't have considered me because I live in a different city, a few hours away from him and he wasn't looking for an LDR. But now, we're caught up in some giddily romantic pen-palling. [wheee!]

Let me state, he didn't send a lame wink, or some ridiculous one-liner. He first told me my profile was a "good read," and thoughtfully commented about some of it: "I love what you have to say about . . . ", which showed me not only that he actually read it but that he could relate to it. He concluded with ". . . who knows where a few notes can lead? At the very least, some good correspondence. From little acorns, etc." which I thought was charming. He had about five recent pictures of himself so I have a good idea about what he actually looks like, and a very well-written thoughtful profile. And now we're both giddy and gaga over our new correspondence with each other!

So maybe your approach might need some work, TL.

TL4everu2

05-16-2011, 08:57 PM

Entirely possible cindie. Entirely possible.

Every time I think about a woman other than my wife, and actually contacting them, I hear that little phrase in my head that says "nice guys finish last".....but I'm always trying to be nice and not offend. LOL Maybe I should throw caution to the wind....when I find one that...piques my interest. ;)

SourGirl

05-17-2011, 02:50 PM

Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point. ;)

Okay,..but I think you missed my point, or I didn`t explain myself very well. :p

I get what you are saying. I get your point. I have experience with this. I have a husband who has looked too. When he initially pouted about the lack of response, or lack of initiation, I felt bad for him.

At some point though, you have to get real. Be inventive. You can choose to think one way 100%, and you will keep up a 100% failure rate. Or, you can choose to do things differently.

My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.

He went to poly gatherings, and we DID all kind of laugh, because he is a 'car' guy, meat-loving, Tim-Hortons drinking, man`s man,..type. Stuck out like a sore thumb.

He ended up in a series of conversations about why he wasn`t a vegan, and lightly chastised for it. :P haha.

Still, he ventured.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right ? He did end up going to various gatherings with mutual friends who weren`t 'hippie',..and they all ended up being open-minded, and having lots of laughs about everyone`s differences.

He learned a lot from putting himself in various experiences.

NeonKaos

05-17-2011, 03:09 PM

This is not something I do when dating online (which I don't do), but it is how I run my life:

I approach any situation, especially something that is new to me, with the attitude that I will probably be bored at best, if not straight-up disappointed. Then, if anything at all goes right, or is interesting, I can say to myself, "at least it wasn't a TOTAL waste of time".

I realize that this attitude tends to annoy "optimists". I love to annoy optimists. It's sort-of a hobby of mine. Right now I am drafting an essay about "Bettering the Quality of One's Life Through Pessimism", and the paragraph above is the basis for one of the key points in that essay.

nycindie

05-17-2011, 04:07 PM

My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.

Yes! Because, at least on OKC, every time you change a picture or some words in your profile, you show up in the activity feed on the main page and that gets people curious about you. Every time I add or switch a picture, I get a bunch of new visitors.

TL4everu2

05-17-2011, 04:43 PM

No-one is taking me up on my challenge? Bummer. I am not so uncooth as to actually post some of the really....ahem...unattractive...matches in my area. In my area (within a 50 mile radius) there are 3 pages or less. How many people per page? 10. So, less than 30 matches to my own criteria.

(For some odd reason I think I have been through all this before)

of those 30 matches, only about 4 have answered the questions I mentioned above, in a manner which is condusive to a poly relationship. (1-would you consider dating someone in an open relationship, and 2-would you consider being part of a multiple person relationship)

So now I'm down to 4 to choose from....Of those 4, none are a person which I am PHYSICALLY attracted to. So how do I remedy this situation? Lower my standards? To what? How far does a person lower their standards to find someone to love? Do I now accept people who smoke? How about people who are heavy drinkers? Women who are over 300 lbs? How about drug users? I mean, come on...Where does it all stop?

I'm not lowering my standards. Not one bit. I'm not requiring the women to be runway models, or rich, or perfect in any way. No. I'm asking for women who are under 6'2", weigh under 200 lbs, have shoulder length hair or longer, social drinkers at best, and non-smokers and non-drug users. Within a 50 mile radius. Women who are open to a poly relationship. I wish I could find one who got into martial arts as much as I do. It seems my wife, is the only one within a 50 mile radius of me. I'm so fortunate to have found her 20 years ago. :D

It just goes to prove that she has no equal to me. Depressing? A little. BUT....I keep looking.....it'll make it even more special if I ever find an equal to my wife.

Derbylicious

05-17-2011, 05:01 PM

Magdlyn

05-17-2011, 05:07 PM

I'm asking for women who are under 6'2", weigh under 200 lbs, have shoulder length hair or longer, social drinkers at best, and non-smokers and non-drug users. Within a 50 mile radius. .

You might loosen the under 200 lbs, shoulder length hair requirements. I prefer men who are taller than me, and are physically fit with a good head of red hair, but I've had a blast with short men, overweight men and bald men. Just sayin...

If you're also open to women older than you, many of us look much prettier and younger with a short(ish) sporty hairstyle.

NeonKaos

05-17-2011, 06:50 PM

What if you start a relationship with someone and she cuts her hair? Do you break up with her? And when her hair grows again, do you get back together? Enquiring minds wanna know.

Derbylicious

05-17-2011, 06:52 PM

What if you start a relationship with someone and she cuts her hair? Do you break up with her? And when her hair grows again, do you get back together? Enquiring minds wanna know.

Same question about weight gain and loss...

NeonKaos

05-17-2011, 06:55 PM

Same question about weight gain and loss...

Oh, I'd already figured the answer would be "break up with her if she gains weight, get back together if she loses weight", so I didn't bother to ask that question. We covered it in "Is thin the only sexy?"

TL4everu2

05-17-2011, 07:14 PM

What if you start a relationship with someone and she cuts her hair? Do you break up with her? And when her hair grows again, do you get back together? Enquiring minds wanna know.First, I am attracted to that which I am attracted to. Nothing can change that. My wife has cut her hair shorter (not a boy cut mind you, but shorter) and I didn't like it, but it grows out. I expressed my displeasure, and I was very upset over it. She hasn't done it since because of how much it irritated me. I like women who LOOK like women. Sorry, but to me, a woman does not look like a woman (unless naked) if she has a man's (short) haircut. Shorter than shoulder length is too short IN MY OPINION. ;)

Same question about weight gain and loss...On weight gain and loss: It all depends. I mean, if the woman gains 100 lbs over the course of a year, and it is simply from being flat out LAZY, then yes...I would break up with her. But if it were to be attributed to a medical condition (such as a thyroid problem) then I would try to keep the relationship going and try to help her to deal and cope with the condition. If she were to loose 100 lbs over the course of a year, I would have her see a doctor immediately. If she were to be found healthy, and she were TRYING to loose the weight, I would be concerned as to WHY she was trying to loose the weight. I mean, even if she were at the upper spectrum of my weight limit (200lbs) and she lost 100 lbs, she might blow away. It has been MY experience that women who are too skinny, are actually PAINFUL to have sex with. (due to myself being pretty thin) So yes, I might break up with her.
Oh, I'd already figured the answer would be "break up with her if she gains weight, get back together if she loses weight", so I didn't bother to ask that question. We covered it in "Is thin the only sexy?"I don't think I ever said that in that thread. Please don't put words into my mouth and I won't put any in yours. ;)

TL4everu2

05-17-2011, 07:20 PM

You might loosen the under 200 lbs, shoulder length hair requirements. I prefer men who are taller than me, and are physically fit with a good head of red hair, but I've had a blast with short men, overweight men and bald men. Just sayin...

If you're also open to women older than you, many of us look much prettier and younger with a short(ish) sporty hairstyle.No, I won't. A woman who is 6' and 200 lbs, looks healthy. (even though "large" or "big boned") They also have a decent amount of meat on their bones. My own wife is 220 and only 5'10". She holds it quite well, and looks VERY sexy. So the 200 lbs is just a figure, and is not, by any means, hard and fast.

The hair length kinda is though. I simply can't STAND when women cut their hair so short it looks like a man's haircut.....Unless they are a lesbian, in which case it makes sense. But the reality, is that I am STILL not attracted to them, and would never consider dating them. It's a personal preference. You have yours, and I have mine. ;)

Tonberry

05-17-2011, 07:33 PM

TL4everu2

05-17-2011, 07:57 PM

I do have problem understanding the hair cut thing. I mean that means that if you meet someone a few months too early or a day too late you'll just discard her. Plus the pictures might have long hair but she had a haircut since, or show short hair but they're a bit old. So if you base that on the pictures it's not even accurate.Which is why I make sure to keep my pictures very current and when I meet the person in real life, if they don't match their pictures, then they have basically lied to me already, and the "relationship" is dead before it ever started. ;)

Derbylicious

05-17-2011, 09:33 PM

First, I am attracted to that which I am attracted to. Nothing can change that. My wife has cut her hair shorter (not a boy cut mind you, but shorter) and I didn't like it, but it grows out. I expressed my displeasure, and I was very upset over it. She hasn't done it since because of how much it irritated me. I like women who LOOK like women. Sorry, but to me, a woman does not look like a woman (unless naked) if she has a man's (short) haircut. Shorter than shoulder length is too short IN MY OPINION. ;)

I have short hair (like really short hair) and I haven't ever been told that I don't look like a woman. I dress in a very feminine fashion and have curves in all the right places. If I grow my hair it looks stringy and gross because it's very fine (not thin, I have lots of it covering my scalp). I get that you aren't attracted to woman with short hair but I am kind of offended by the insinuation that by having short hair I look mannish.

Tonberry

05-17-2011, 09:37 PM

Which is why I make sure to keep my pictures very current and when I meet the person in real life, if they don't match their pictures, then they have basically lied to me already, and the "relationship" is dead before it ever started. ;)

Well the thing is that hair length is important to you, but a lot of people wouldn't consider that lying. If I'm wearing a shirt I don't own anymore or my old pair of glasses, I won't consider it a lie to put the picture up. For me it's the same about hair. I just make sure the picture can see my face well because I figure that's what matters... Eyes, nose, mouth. Never thought anyone would care about a haircut, to be honest.

NeonKaos

05-17-2011, 10:16 PM

Well the thing is that hair length is important to you, but a lot of people wouldn't consider that lying.

According to that line of reasoning, I'm the biggest liar of them all. Especially if you count color as part of a hairstyle.

I marvel at the superficiality of T's criteria. It's always refreshing to see a real-life cliché. I also think it's refreshing how T candidly admits to these things, then appears genuinely perplexed by why it's so hard to find people online worth pursuing a relationship with.

TL4everu2

05-17-2011, 11:08 PM

And yet, no-one can STILL meet my challenge. All every one seems to be able to do, is shift blame. Come on, lets compare apples to apples here. The only difference, is women, to men, and locations.

So, you girls are saying that you will date ANYONE? No matter WHAT the physical attraction (or lack thereof) to that person? Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to be physically attracted to a person first. I mean, if I plan to sleep wih this person, I NEED to be physically attracted to this person, or it simply doesn't work.

Tonberry

05-17-2011, 11:14 PM

So, you girls are saying that you will date ANYONE?

No, I'm pretty sure several people have said before that it's hard for women to find men to date. I don't really understand how your point works, you started by saying "men have it harder because women are so picky" but then you switched to "look, it's hard for men because nobody meets my criteria". And it doesn't sound, well, a bit contradictory to you? If women are picky, you are too and you're a guy, so you're not any different.

Women might get more messages, but often it's from guys who aren't actually interested in them, or wouldn't be if they actually read their profile. It's not fair to blame women for having to do an extra selecting because people didn't bother to read their profile.

Derbylicious

05-18-2011, 12:01 AM

So, you girls are saying that you will date ANYONE? No matter WHAT the physical attraction (or lack thereof) to that person? Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to be physically attracted to a person first. I mean, if I plan to sleep wih this person, I NEED to be physically attracted to this person, or it simply doesn't work.

I don't think anyone is saying that they would date anyone but I find that my attraction to someone grows (or wanes) as I get to know them. I don't have a list of "must have" attibutes tucked away in my head. The whole person is more than a sum of their parts.

NeonKaos

05-18-2011, 12:29 AM

I'm not "meeting your challenge" because I don't waste my time joining OKCupid in order to "meet" someone's "challenge", which I'm not sure I even understand and/or disagree with.

I'm not part of that so-called "challenge". I'm just part of a lively discussion here.

NeonKaos

05-18-2011, 12:35 AM

However, I don't rule out a relationship based on the length of someone's hair. I look at whether the hair is clean or not, sure, but I'm a little less superficial when it comes to things like color and length (that's like women who say they won't date a bald man. what if you fall in love with him when he has hair, THEN he goes bald? Don't you still love him? Get him a toupee, and love the toupee. See if the toupee is a good listener and a good lay).. So, no, I wouldn't date just ANYONE, but I don't look for a specific set of physical criteria and sit there with a check-list ruling people out because they don't match perfectly. That is, if I were so inclined to be "dating people", of course. I don't consider myself to be actively "looking", but if I were that is.

Magdlyn

05-18-2011, 12:57 AM

TL, you're in love with/married to a woman who is 210 lbs, but looking for women under 200? Why?

TL4everu2

05-18-2011, 01:55 AM

TL, you're in love with/married to a woman who is 210 lbs, but looking for women under 200? Why?I see what you're trying to do there. ;)

But because I play games too, I'll entertain. When I started seeing my wife, she weighed less than she does now. Then, she had our daughter....and gained weight with that. She never lost the weight. Not much...Only about 20 lbs.

Try to get this through your heads ladies, I said my criteria are NOT hard and fast numbers, but are general rules/areas/criteria. I may become attracted to a woman who weighs more than 200lbs. (It happened recently in fact. She had BEAUTIFUL eyes) But GENERALLY speaking, I am not attracted to women who are over certain weights, in proportion to their bodies.

As I said before, I like what I like. I don't try to push my likes (or dislikes) upon anyone else. They like what they like....and no amount of me telling them about the pleasures of X Y or Z, will change their minds on it. I know people who are REALLY into foot worshiping. It's not MY thing, but who am I to tell them that they are "wrong" for it? My wife likes to be tied up and restrained. I don't like to do that to her. I do it every now and then because she likes it. But only like once every 5 or 6 months. She likes what she likes. Not MY thing, but not really "wrong" either.

So, don't tell me that I need to "ease up" on my "criteria". I like what I like. They are my personal standards. I can DEFINATLY have a friendship with a woman who is heavier than 200 lbs...or even with a woman who is 120lbs. But I probably wouldn't be physically attracted to either one of them, and therefore probably wouldn't want to date either of them. But, as I have said before; my criteria are somewhat flexible, and I might find myself falling for either or even both. Who knows.

nycindie

05-18-2011, 02:10 AM

I also have preferences but I don't make them rules. I will go out with short, tall, thin, or overweight, short hair, long hair, or no hair. I don't like kissing smokers, but I have dated them, too. I am certainly drawn more to specific types but won't rule out other types completely -- because it's the person that's more important to me.

TL, that fact remains that you are always complaining about how hard it is for you to meet any women, and how much easier it is for women to meet men, as if it was a general statement of fact. But even if you will consider someone who is outside of your very narrow ideal, putting those specifications in your profile severely limits who will contact you -- so therefore, you should amend your statements about how hard it is for you to include the fact that you are super picky.

In my OKC profile, I say "I am attracted to a variety of physical types" and my age range is 36 to 62. That is ALL I say about physical attributes I am seeking. Everything else I specify that I am looking for is about personality traits. I see who contacts me, see who comes up in a search and let the person's profile or message to me influence whether or not I might be interested. If they write intelligently, show a good sense of humor, and don't seem to be solely focused on sex or finding The One, AND there is something about their looks that attracts me, even if not within my normal preferences, they have a chance. I was just looking at a profile today of a quite overweight bald guy - but he has beautiful eyes and a friendly smile, plus his profile is a fun read.

If there was a woman as picky as you are and put that in her profile, she would have as much of a hard time getting any responses as you do. But don't think that just because women might seem to you to get more responses that all those responses are good ones. We still have to weed out, believe me, but if we're not somewhat loose about what we're looking for in the first place, then... well, not many responses come our way! And ultimately it is just as difficult to find someone suitable. It does get tedious, but I would rather have more duds to choose from than to limit who will respond to my profile in the first place.

No one's saying you should relax your criteria, although you might be happier if you try. Just stop complaining about it as if your specifications have nothing to do with it.

TL4everu2

05-18-2011, 11:22 AM

So cindie, you're saying that, in a huge metropolis such as Tampa, I should have hundreds of women who are a match for me? Well, sadly this simply is not true. Sometimes, I wish I were unscrupulis enough to actually post some of the pictures of the women who are "matches" in my area.

Oddly enough, one of the women in my area who is a match, I know personally. She is poly. In fact, she and I are a 94% match on OKC. Almost a higher match percentage than my wife and I are. She is a VERY nice person. She has a HUGE heart, and a wonderful personality. I actually met her through HERE. But physically, I am simply NOT attracted to her, and could never picture myself and her doing anything sexually together. We get along fine, and have decent conversations, but there are certain things that I simply can't get over. and her physical atributes are not all of them.

I have a MUCH smaller pool of people to choose from than most women do. Why? Because most women will make concessions in their "requirements", while I simply will not. I can't STAND people who smoke. Therefore, it is a requirement that women who I date, do not smoke. The smell of cigarettes makes me sick...litterally. So it's not something I can get over. Oddly enough, I used to smoke. Weird huh? Weight is a simple estimation. I have a body type that I'm attracted to. Some women may weigh a bit more, some a bit less. But I can't change what I'm physically attracted to. Hell, why should I? In an attempt to make concessions to make it possible to date someone? No, I had standards when I met my wife...and guess what....There was no such thing as internet dating sites when we met. We found each other. Internet dating simply adds to your possible dating pool. And for me, it doesn't add much to it. Although, I DID date one of the women who is a match for me on OKC. She was nice in the beginning....Then my wife and I found out she was a cowgirl. And once we figured that out, she actually dumped us, saying that she and my wife simply couldn't get along. There were no real obvious issues, but eh...Whatever.

You all have your criteria for dating people...I have mine. Most of you are very flexible on who you will consider dating. Which, to me, indicates that either you don't know what you are looking for, or are too desperate to care, or some other thing which I can't figure out. Maybe most of you are just a LOT more open than I am. But none of you are willing to accept the challenge. All you can do is try to make it about me. Yay me. :rolleyes:

Tonberry

05-18-2011, 11:39 AM

I just don't get you. You're talking about opposite sex relationships, so if women aren't as picky ("most women will make concessions in their "requirements", while I simply will not") that means men have a higher chance to find someone who will have them. Yet you use it as a reason why females will find more people and men won't.
Then you say you're picky, and somehow it means you won't find people but women will?

If a woman is less picky and finds someone as a result, that someone finds her too. If that someone is picky and won't have her, then she did not find someone, she had someone she was interested it who wasn't interested back, which is something you seemed to say happens to men all the time and rarely if ever to women.

So which is it? You seem to argue something and its opposite. The way I see it, you have the requirements you have, that's not an issue, but then you need to take responsibility for how it makes it harder to find someone. I want someone who is poly or fine with it, that makes it harder to find someone. But that's not anyone's fault but mine since it's my requirement.

NeonKaos

05-18-2011, 12:16 PM

T not only generalizes about "all women" but he also makes the assumption that all men share his experiences with this sort of thing.

It's not a "women this, men that" issue. It's something peculiar to the way T approaches things. As other folks have said, there is nothing wrong with having preferences for certain physical characteristics, but don't blame your self-circumscribed dating-pool on the people YOU pre-emptively reject.

dreamyeyes

05-18-2011, 03:01 PM

Im not against online dating. I met my husband online. However I wouldnt want to do strictly online dating. But as a way to meet ppl then see where it goes, I dont see an issue with it.

Derbylicious

05-18-2011, 08:44 PM

I still don't really understand what the challenge is. I happen to know almost everyone over 80% match on OKC in person anyway (and did even before I joined up, through the local poly group).

Magdlyn

05-18-2011, 08:51 PM

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble

I'll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, he'll never phone ya

I'll never fall in love again

Don't tell me what it's all about
Cuz I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind ya
That is why I'm here to remind ya

What do you get when you give your heart?
You get it all broken up and battered
That's what you get,
A heart that's shattered

I'll never fall in love again

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
(So, for at least until tomorrow)
I'll never fall in love again

nycindie

05-29-2011, 09:54 PM

Got two lovely <cough, cough!> messages from guys on OKC today. Here they are:

Hi
You are some one I could have fun with ,and injoy life with,if think the same message me back .read my essay it all there plain and simple.

Aww, he could have fun and "injoy" life with me! While we work on his spelling and punctuation. Isn't that special! <grumble>

The next one:

Maybe I can cook for u and play backgammon
I Am good at it too

Okay, at least he shows that he read my profile, because I say I'm good at backgammon and don't cook much because my kitchen's so small, BUT come on, what kind of message is this?! Not only are there no periods at the end of his sentences, but he doesn't say anything substantial. Introduce yourself, make me want to check your profile out.

Lame.

Magdlyn

05-30-2011, 04:23 PM

Here's my latest winner:

hi there....how r u doing....liked reading thru ur profile n wud love to know more of u..maybe wea can make a early start with both of us onIM now...

From New Delhi, India. :rolleyes:

NeonKaos

05-30-2011, 04:46 PM

Here's my latest winner:

From New Delhi, India. :rolleyes:

Hey at least his English is probably better than your Hindi.

Magdlyn

05-30-2011, 04:54 PM

All I'd have to say is, put your lingam in my yoni, and he'd be a happy Hindu, I'm sure.

No racism meant. Just the idea I am dying to cyber with a guy 7000 miles away. Just noticed he's married as well. Oy!

TL4everu2

05-31-2011, 11:45 AM

I re-activated myt account about 3 weeks ago. I have had ZERO messages. :( I have sent out five. I have gotten zero responses. :( Boo hoo. Out of the five I've messaged, four have at least looked at my profile. Out of those four, I think my wife said that 2 have looked at HER profile also. So people ARE checking me out. I just may not be what thye are looking for...or something.

An example of my last message out to someone: Hello! If you have found a special someone already, that's fine. I noticed you haven't been on OkCupid since April 4th or so, so I'm hoping it's just that you lost interest in the site. But....I was wondering if you might be interested in checking out my profile and seeing if you think we might click? I have the same issue with keeping house plants alive...However, I have two teen kids....and they are still alive....soooo....Yeah. LOL Anyway, hit me up sometime. TTYL Pointers? She has not been online to check out the e-mail or anything else that I can see, but pointers would be helpful.

Ariakas

05-31-2011, 01:46 PM

You start with a negative. Your second line is a negative. You aren't talking to her about her, you are setting yourself up for her to not be interested.

Imagine walking into a bar, up to a girl and saying "hey pretty lady here is a drink, I know you won't be interested in hanging out with me because you are leaving the bar at 9pm but who knows right, you might like something I say"

Online dating, meh, I suck ass at talking to people to pick them up. I have no balls.. in person, conversation is a two way, engaging street. Strike up a conversation (ideally about something in their profile), don't shoot them down before they even read a message.

You are asking them to read your profile, you are asking them to tell you if you might click, you are asking them to find a reason to talk to you. Try reading their profile, if something clicks for YOU.. you try and strike up conversation with them.

nycindie

05-31-2011, 02:49 PM

TL, I agree with Ari. While you do show a sense of humor, which is good, you wait to do it 'til all the way at the END of your message! And the beginning just sounds like a bit of a downer ("oh well, you probably already found someone, you haven't been here in a while, maybe you're not interested anymore..."). And it does come off as more about you than about what you saw in her profile that attracted you.

I will share some messages I got recently, both of which I answered because they had a nice lighthearted feel to them, though confident as well, and they made it obvious that they had read my profile. The first is from Burnsy with whom I have now started an online/LDR relationship and am planning to meet in person in a few weeks:
Oh, yours is a good read. I love what you wrote about love, possession, exclusivity, and attachment.

I don't go to New York as much as I used to. Sometimes I think I am over it, and other times I can't get enough.

That said, who knows where a few messages might lead? At the very least, some good conversation. From little acorns...

Right off the bat, he complimented my profile, and mentioned how he related to things I'd written. I wrote back the same day (after I checked out his profile), thanked him for his kind words, said a few things about the town he lives in, and told him I'd love to continue a conversation with him. His next message was pretty long and talked mostly about him. But he broke the ice with his first message by talking about my profile and how he connected to it.

The next one starts off the way it does because he saw that I had checked his profile out, and then took the time to write me:
How nice that such a special lady viewed my profile! ;-) Thanks for looking.

I admire how you express yourself, and identify with much of what you are about. I'm not in the exact same place, but I can certainly relate to lot of what you write.

So, just wanted to say hello... you're busy, I'm busy, perhaps we can talk when the time is right.

Hope you are having a great night.

Well, while I thought calling me a "special lady" was a bit over the top, his message got me curious - what did he identify with and relate to in my profile? He didn't specify, but he worded it in a way that enticed me to want to know. So I wrote back and asked him, and we've been conversing a bit. He seems really nice!

It doesn't have to be complicated or lengthy, but it should reference the recipient in some interesting way. In re-reading both of these I see that their confidence comes thru in the ways they talk about having a conversation with me. They didn't ask if I might want to; they both suggested that we would ("who knows where a few messages might lead?" and "we can talk when the time is right"). When I message guys, I always say, "Feel free to visit my profile and write back!" I'm not asking them to do me a favor, I'm inviting them.

Does this all help?

Tonberry

05-31-2011, 04:08 PM

Yeah, you're not going to be engaging by saying things like "you're probably too busy..." or "if that's okay with you..." You sound like you're not confident that you're worth it, so why would they feel that you are?

I'm not saying to be cocky and arrogant either, but right now you're telling them to work for something and saying it's probably not worth it. Not very encouraging.
The humour is good though.

I think you're making progress from the wink, so good for you on that :)

TL4everu2

05-31-2011, 11:45 PM

All good information. Maybe I'll try again with someone else who has been online more recently.

TL4everu2

06-01-2011, 12:09 AM

Ok....Sent a new message to a new person...Who also happened to be online. LOL

Here is what I wrote:
Hi,
My name is T***. I've noticed your profile, and I like what I've read so far. I would like to opportunity to speak to you and see how we get along. You say you're really good at raising kids and dogs. How old are your kids? I have two which are 14 and 19. What kind of dog(s) do you have? I have 4. 2 wolf hybrids, a german shephard/pit/chow mix, and an Australian Dingo. I can't really take them all for a walk at once, but would like going out sometime with you for some coffee at Starbucks or somewhere else. Hope to hear from you soon. -T***

Tonberry

06-01-2011, 01:03 AM

Looks good to me! Positive, talks about her profiles, talks about things you have in common. If she doesn't reply, I don't think it will be because of any fault with your message.

TL4everu2

06-01-2011, 01:38 AM

YAY! Hopefully, she replies! I really liked her profile, and she sounds really nice. Not bad on the eyes either. ;) LOL I sounded like such a douche there. LOL

nycindie

06-01-2011, 01:14 PM

Today, I awoke to this message on OKC, from someone new: "Hello You are a Very Attractive Lady, I would love to meet you."

His profile's entire self-summary: "W/M 6'1 good looking, nice body, great personality. well endowed, long lasting and very oral... But don't let that scare you, lol, as I am just a regular guy looking for a you."

He lists the "things he's really good at" as: "French Kissing and all the Petting that goes with it on the first date. too old to waste time to see if we are compatible. Thanks"

Yeah, well I don't have time to waste on him. Oy!

TL4everu2

06-01-2011, 06:26 PM

Wow....My profile's not THAT lewd. LOL

You can look me up. I am TnL4everu2 in Tampa.

Magdlyn

06-01-2011, 10:11 PM

Next 2 winners.

First guy: lives nearby, 35 yrs old, fairly nice profile. Good first message, indicating he read my profile. And he likes to cook.

A couple PMs later, I find out he's never had a relationship lasting longer than 3 months. At age 35? And he's giving notice at his local job and might end up moving back overseas in a few months... he's got family in Lebanon and Iraq. Why would I bother meeting this gentleman?

And just now, guy from Florida (I'm in Mass), 0% match, says: hello dear how are you?

Wow, us women sure are lucky to get so many more messages than guys do.

:rolleyes:

Derbylicious

06-01-2011, 10:13 PM

It just occurred to me that at some point there might be members on the forum who these messages have originated from. I hope they see it as a learning experience if they do happen to come across one of their less than stellar posts.:o:)

TL4everu2

06-02-2011, 02:50 AM

nycindie

06-02-2011, 04:26 AM

Back home from my date, which was... eh, and I check OKC. Ooh, a message from someone new. I open it up, here it is:

Hey your extremely beautiful. Do you have aim? I would love to get to know you allot better. What is your favoirtie drink?

Gah!

Ariakas

06-02-2011, 04:34 AM

Aim?.. what the hell.. I didn't even know that was still around.. are you sure thats not a message from 1999?

nycindie

06-02-2011, 04:48 AM

Yeah, really, I know. Oh, and he's 24. My desired age range stated on my profile starts at 36. And here's the Self Summary on his profile:

******** It might seem like i am very into sex and only be looking for a one night stand i don't i"m sorry i want something real all i want is one chance thats alll.*****

Well first off i cant believe im on a dating site. But i guess everything happens for a reason. I'm [his own username misspelled] im 24 and i live in flushing. If you want to know my name ask me. I dont no what more to say here im more of an i ask you u tell me you ask me kinda guy if that even makes any sense. If it dose ask me lol.

Hahaha.

Magdlyn

06-02-2011, 12:35 PM

LOL, Cindie, I got a couple messages from a 23 year old in the past week. First message:

Hi, I'm X and i'm 23. Now i noticed you said you like guys of all ages, but i'm am a little young but in terms of not only how I behave, but my interest are much more mature than guys my age. In terms of the music, literature and film I love. So anyways I think you're very cute and I love mature women, so hopefully we can talk, take care. Also unfortunately the only pic I have of me on this comp is one were I have a bad sun burn

I didn't answer because his profile was boring.

So, 6 days later, he writes again:

Hi, I had already sent you a message, so I'm really sorry for bothering you again. But i'm just really attracted to you and alot of our interest are almost identical, so I figured I'd give it another shot, take care

Nice person that I am, I replied:

Hi X. Which of my interests do you think you share?

... since his profile hadn't listed any matches in interests!

And now, it's 5 days later and he hasn't told me what these supposed shared interests are. :confused:

JnR

06-03-2011, 05:24 PM

Met with someone yesterday that I had been in contact with oh for maybe a week on ok cupid. Seemed like a really nice guy, and he was... it was just that he misrepresented his weight and few other things :rolleyes: I really don't understand why people misrepresent themselves... if you are truly looking to meet someone, its all going to come out then lol Oh well

TL4everu2

06-04-2011, 02:05 AM

LOL While at work today, I noticed one of our customers was someone I had seen on OKC. LOL She had a "roller derby" sticker on her car. When I told LT about it, she got on OKC and did a search for "rollerderby". Guess what? It pulled up some chick with a similar name as someone on here. ;) LOL So now you know why someone from Floriduh is looking at your profile. ;)

Never did find that ladies profile from my work though. :( She was cute too.

Derbylicious

06-04-2011, 02:06 AM

It's me, I'm not creative with my online names :)

TL4everu2

06-04-2011, 02:14 AM

LOL Well, I don't want you to think I'm stalking you. LOL Although I WILL say that my wife misses Seattle a LOT. I just miss the people.

Derbylicious

06-04-2011, 02:17 AM

I think there's another thread somewhere out there where I already said that was my name on OKC...so it's all good if forum people check me out. Oh and the haircut I have is a lie :D

TL4everu2

06-04-2011, 03:13 AM

Wait...How is the haircut...a lie?

Also, we are like an 80%+ match. :D LOL

Derbylicious

06-04-2011, 03:14 AM

It's way different than the haircut I have now. We might be an 80% match but I think the distance might pose a wee problem!

TL4everu2

06-04-2011, 03:20 AM

Maybe. I'm not real big on long distance relationships....Now, how much distance defines "long distance", is the REAL question. LOL Now that you have looked at my profile....What did you think?

Derbylicious

06-04-2011, 03:53 AM

Honestly the end where "you should contact me if" sounds a little negative. I would take out the last paragraph if I were you. Also it would be nice to hear more about you rather than about you and your wife together. It's enough to put a link to her profile. The people who are looking at you are going to want to know about you, not about your marriage. They can learn about that as they get to know you. This is about first impressions and all.

TL4everu2

06-04-2011, 11:22 AM

Well, most of it WAS written by my wife. LOL ;) As for the end...I think I put that on there after seeing a few too many profiles of women who hadn't been online in 2 years or more. LOL That kinda frustrates me. I think the site should automatically delete any profiles which have not been logged into in more than 6 months.

I DID take that last paragraph off though. LOL

Tonberry

06-04-2011, 02:21 PM

I think the site should automatically delete any profiles which have not been logged into in more than 6 months.

Well, I mentioned OKCupid in passing to Seamus the other day and he told me "oh, I still have a profile over there!" and I was interested in checking it out for laughs, but then it turned out it had been deleted.
So, it might take longer than 6 months, but they do delete inactive profiles after a while.

Jericka

06-06-2011, 04:03 AM

I've had very good luck with OkCupid, since I am dating two guys I met though that site.

However, I do have to wade through some emails, and sometimes I dread answering the emails because they haven't given me a clue what to say. I also don't answer winks. I love positive, upbeat people who ask questions that indicate that they actually read my profile! Bonus points for having a profile that matches how they are emailing and doesn't seem to have been written by someone else entirely.....

Yes. I had a badly misspelled email exchange with someone whose profile seemed far more sophisticated. It made me really wonder, especially since he kept asking me what I thought was interesting about his profile instead of actually talking to me. He also wanted me to call him right away. Meh.

What I like in a profile?

Lots of information presented in a way that indicates personality.

If the person is married, an indication that they are poly and a link to the spouse's profile.

At least one picture that is clear, and not of the person in a Halloween costume. Seriously, what is up with that?

A positive overall impression. This one is subjective, but lists of what someone is not looking for or lists of turnoffs ....turn me off. Assuming a negative reaction from the viewer and trying to head it off doesn't work well either.

I also love to read journals, look at what tests someone has taken, check out links, etc. more information is better.

Back to the emails. I have a current profile, but, I am seeing two guys. One relationship is still in the NRE phase. I look at profiles, but, I'm not eager to start something right this moment, so, I haven't been messaging.

I'm willing to meet people, but, I have gotten picky. I'll admit it. Talking to an intelligent guy is a turn on, and I want an indication even in the first email that he's perceptive and bright. I can overlook a heck of a lot, physically, if he can engage my brain well enough!

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 12:42 PM

Well, I mentioned OKCupid in passing to Seamus the other day and he told me "oh, I still have a profile over there!" and I was interested in checking it out for laughs, but then it turned out it had been deleted.
So, it might take longer than 6 months, but they do delete inactive profiles after a while.Odd. I'm wondering why I keep having profiles pop into my quiver which have not been visited in 2 YEARS. Not months...YEARS. In fact, I had one which their last visit was in 2006! HELLO! This is 2011. Not 2007. Why the HECK would I want to look at the profile of a person who has not been online in 5 years? Heck.... in the last year or even 6 months. If a person hasn't been on the site in the last month, then fine. Maybe they have been busy. But if they haven't been online in the last SIX months, then maybe they found someone, or aren't looking for some reason anymore. Haven't been on in the last 2 years? Hello! They're not using the site anymore, and are obviously not receiving or are ignoring the e-mails. So, IN MY OPINION.....If the account has not had any activity in 6 months, delete it automatically. It should be in the site program. I've been on a few other sites where that was the norm.

nycindie

06-06-2011, 01:03 PM

At least one picture that is clear, and not of the person in a Halloween costume. Seriously, what is up with that?

I know! I know! LOL

Jeez, and I can't believe how many guys choose a pic of themselves in a Halloween costume as their first picture, so that's the one that goes by in the feed! Come on, man, what kind of shit is that?!!

Magdlyn

06-06-2011, 01:06 PM

This. ^ Plus, I will never return a message from someone with "Taco" in their username. What is up with that?

Got a message from a guy while I was away. 60% match. Message: "Hello." Delete!

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 01:26 PM

I just double checked my profile. Nope...No pics of me in a halloween costume. :D I'm just fugly enough to go without on Halloween. LOL

Magdlyn

06-06-2011, 01:45 PM

TL, I just looked at your profile. First of all, it says you are "married," not "available." When you set things up, if you put in the stats that you are partnered but looking to date, your status will come up as available. That should help.

2nd, I agree strongly there is way too much mention of how much you love being with your wife on your profile, not nearly enough about how you'd like to spend time with another woman.

I have been married for 20 yrs to my lovely wife who has an account on here as well...

I am looking for someone who gets along with me and my wife...

My wife and I like to take out our 67 Mustang for rides occasionally. We also LOVE to ride our Goldwing. ..

Don't have a favorite food but I love my wife's cooking...

The 6 things I could never do without:

1. My Wife

Typical Friday night...

at winghouse with my wife...

Way too many things about how much you love your wife, not nearly enough about what you can offer another woman! Also, wow, that steamy pic of you and LT making out! Hot, for sure. Not sure if it's gonna attract a date tho...

Plus you list MMA as an interest. If I didn't know you, I'd have no idea what MMA means. You might want to spell it out as mixed martial arts. Then you might interest women who don't do, or watch, martial arts, but might think, "Hm, he's athletic, maybe he has a killer bod. Maybe I'd like to watch him work out..."

Just sayin! lol

Magdlyn

06-06-2011, 01:49 PM

Reading your questions now. You'd date someone merely because they were "well endowed?" Really? Big tits and no personality and a dead fish in bed, that's OK with you?

You list sex as being more important to you than love. Women might get the idea you just want a sex toy for you and your wife to use as if she were a vibrator or dildo or something...

How often are you open with your feelings? You say, "Rarely." Hm, why do you say that? You're pretty damn open here~!

You seem to require a woman to be always perfectly shaved under her arms and on her legs... sigh. A girl is gonna be fuzzy sometimes, we're mammals. Sometimes we have lives, and get too busy to shave every goddam day.

Now, after my constructive criticism, I will add you are very physically attractive! If it wasn't for our differences in politics and interests, I'd do ya~!

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 02:22 PM

LOL

If a woman doesn't know what "MMA" is, then she's got no interest in it. Therefore, not really an interest in me, as I'm SO into it. I mean, I'm an MMA fighter. If the woman has no idea what it is, it's easy to look it up, but the reality is that she's PROBABLY not what I'm looking for.

My wife and I have been married for 20+ years now. I guess I'm ALWAYS gonna have a lot to say about her. And any woman that is interested in me, will already know that I am married and still be interested. Just as I will speak a lot about my wife to a new woman, I will be speaking a lot about this new woman, to my wife. It's what we do as humans. ;) But I DO understand about the married vs. available thing.Not sure if I'll change it or not.

"Well endowed": Depends on the breasts. LOL I simply am not attreacted to a set of AA cups, or a pair of F's. So....Somewhere in between a B and D is fine with me. However, she would have to have the rest of the package to go with it. (i.e. hair, body match, and SOME sort of mind.) Also, if we ever GET to the bedroom together, and she's a dead fish, the relationship won't last long. ;)

Sex vs. love: Well, I'm a guy. LOL Sex is VERY important. And sometimes, I'm just like any other guy. LOL

Feelings: Well, here, I feel a bit of annonymity. So, I can be as open (or closed) as I wish. But initially, with any woman, I am very closed until I'm sure she's actually interested in ME.

Shaved: If she's out on a date? Yes, take some pride in herself, and be presentable to me. I do the same for her. I would NEVER go out on a date, unshaven and smelly. Hell, with my last GF, she came to my work one day. I'm a mechanic. So I'm FILTHY and stinky. I threw on some cologne, and headed to the bathroom to take a "bath" in the sink. Since I shave daily, it wasn't an issue there, but I WAS filthy. And, I changed my uniform so I was clean. She probably thought I was the cleanest mechanic ever, or I was a supervisor or just didn't REALLY work. LOL But the point is, if we're going out, yes, I want her to be clean and presentable. And that includes smooth pits and legs. If we've been together for a year or so, and possibly even living together, then I can understand a LITTLE prickly going on every now and then....but not all the time. Just a personal preference. You have what you like...I have mine. LOL ;)

nycindie

06-06-2011, 02:43 PM

TL, it's fine to mention your wife once you have something going with someone and it's part of your conversation, BUT... for a dating profile with the purpose of enticing someone to be involved with a married man, you need to shift the focus more into who you are what you have to offer that person. Right now it's all about your married life. Remember, it's an advertisement!

The guy I started to see online is married and he told me that women have often said to him, "What's in it for me? Why should I date a married man?" So, think about that if you rewrite your profile.

For example, you wrote: "I enjoy going out on a friday or saturday night I am usually going out to watch some MMA, or chilling with my family." It might be better to say, "I'm looking for someone to take out and spend time with on a Friday or Saturday. If you like MMA, we can have some fun watching fights together."

That just changes the focus from saying that maybe there's a place for someone else to squeeze into your already established life, to what you will give them.

I think it's fine where you say, "I am looking for someone who gets along with me and my wife, this is important as I am not leaving her. (and "getting along with my wife" does NOT necessarily mean "sleep with my wife")" BUT move that near the bottom. Really, at the top of the page, you want women's initial reactions to be, "Oh, yeah! He sounds promising!" and NOT "I don't see where I can fit in."

And yes, you would probably benefit from selecting Available instead of Married as your status. Everyone knows that Available doesn't mean single, but you will come up in more searches, I believe.

Magdlyn

06-06-2011, 03:10 PM

If a woman doesn't know what "MMA" is, then she's got no interest in it. Therefore, not really an interest in me, as I'm SO into it. I mean, I'm an MMA fighter. If the woman has no idea what it is, it's easy to look it up, but the reality is that she's PROBABLY not what I'm looking for.

...

"Well endowed": Depends on the breasts. LOL I simply am not attreacted to a set of AA cups, or a pair of F's. So....Somewhere in between a B and D is fine with me. However, she would have to have the rest of the package to go with it. (i.e. hair, body match, and SOME sort of mind.) Also, if we ever GET to the bedroom together, and she's a dead fish, the relationship won't last long. ;)

So, in reading your profile and Q&As, I, as a woman, see a man who wants me for my big tits, and otherwise offers a night of sitting on the couch watching 2 guys beat each other up, with maybe a ride on his motorcycle from time to time, if his wife lets him off the leash. Hmmm, enticing. :p

Sex vs. love: Well, I'm a guy. LOL Sex is VERY important. And sometimes, I'm just like any other guy. LOL

Hey, Mr Old Fashioned, I'm as much into sex as the horniest male teenager/20something, but I still don't put sex before love, and I know you do not either. So, don't mislead women who are fearful of being used as a blowup doll.

Feelings: Well, here, I feel a bit of annonymity. So, I can be as open (or closed) as I wish. But initially, with any woman, I am very closed until I'm sure she's actually interested in ME.

How can she be interested in YOU if she doesn't get to hear your true feelings about things?

Shaved: If she's out on a date? Yes, take some pride in herself, and be presentable to me.... if we're going out, yes, I want her to be clean and presentable. And that includes smooth pits and legs. If we've been together for a year or so, and possibly even living together, then I can understand a LITTLE prickly going on every now and then.

Wow, big of you. :rolleyes:

Ariakas

06-06-2011, 03:18 PM

Beyond all of these other suggestions.. which I agree with as well for the record.

Try and make your profile have more things you like. And then surround those things in [[I like this]] brackets. Its makes matching work better and searching. If some woman is looking for someone in MMA it would place better in the search results.

Do that with everything that is important and you might find other people match better to you as well.

Minxxa

06-06-2011, 04:02 PM

Hmmmm, now I think I need to go work on my profile. :) I do need to add more about my interests, some interesting things about my life-- I have only tweaked it once since I put it up but wasn't feeling overly wordy at the time.

I like OKC okay so far, but haven't met anybody yet. I did see a guy that looks promising, so we'll see. I sent a message this weekend-- we'll see.

I'd MUCH rather meet people in person, but unfortunately most of my time right now is spent in places where I can't date people I meet-- namely work and school. School is a no/date situation because I'm in a very small graduate school cluster studying counseling psychology-- and we're in every class together. Dating would not be bueno. And there's only one guy I'd be interested anyway and he's got a girlfriend and is NOT poly, so there you have it. :)

I am trying to keep a more open mind in general, though. I haven't really "dated" in years, so I'm trying not to make any assumptions about people but go on gut feelings and then let it go from there.

I did get to the point of thinking about meeting one guy and then he sent pics, which looked NOTHING like the picture of him on the site (which had some blocked out, but seriously DIFFERENT). And actually the two pics he sent almost looked like two different people his looks were so drastic. And neither one seemed like someone I was attracted to. :-( So I guess that's another thing I don't like... no pictures. I decided after that not to even talk to people that don't have their pic up. To me it means one of two things-- I'm not supposed to be on here, or my looks don't match the description I'm giving you.

I mean, I have headshots... nice ones, I took a bunch, but still, it looks like ME. What you see is what you get. I need to get a full body shot on there, though. I put "average" for my body type, which I think is accurate, but it'd be better to get something up there so it's evident what I look like. I don't like misrepresentations either, even if they're unintentional.

Ariakas

06-06-2011, 04:25 PM

I mean, I have headshots... nice ones, I took a bunch, but still, it looks like ME. What you see is what you get. I need to get a full body shot on there, though. I put "average" for my body type, which I think is accurate, but it'd be better to get something up there so it's evident what I look like. I don't like misrepresentations either, even if they're unintentional.

Pics. especially face shots, can look so different its almost scary. There really is an element of being photoaaccurate as a person. Moreso than photogenic.

Body type is a funny one.. I put "a lil extra".. depending on the person and where they come from I could be accurate or lying outright.

Labels are inherently inaccurate :)

nycindie

06-06-2011, 04:57 PM

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 06:01 PM

If only you younger folks could have had the experience of using personal ads in the days before the internet. Just a 3- or 4-line ad in the paper -- no picture -- with a number to call. Listen to the message and try to determine from the sound of their voice if you want to start something up. Talk a little on the phone and arrange a meeting, never knowing what they look like until you get to eyeball each other, other than the description they gave you.

I remember my headline was "Brunette with Brains."It's part of the reason why I never used the classifieds. LOL Also, probably part of the reason why a LOT of people view online dating as not a good thing to try or do. (not MY view mind you)I know of one person who had extremely good luck with online dating. In fact, they were so successful that they got married to the person they met online. Also, my wife and I met our last two cpls online....and had a GREAT experience with both of them. So this is a natural progression. ;)

JnR

06-06-2011, 06:15 PM

Hmmmm.... maybe I should give OKC another try, there has been a lot of great discussion on this thread and I can see where my profile probably scared people away, as I didn't get but 2 responses to it. I was listed as 'married' as I thought 'available' was misleading, but I get it now that it is not. I was and am still hesitant about pictures, tho. We live in a small rural area and we are not 'open' about our relationship being open. I work in a busy income tax office and I would not want my tax clients to know this about me. We do have a profile on a 'swingers' site, with the hopes of finding more poly people than swingers and had some luck with that, and we do have pictures posted there. If a client happened to see my picture there, then I could also say... soooo, what were you doing looking on there?? :p lol But being OKC is also singles, I am still hinky about it.

So, really..... no pictures, no response?? Hmmmmm......

nycindie

06-06-2011, 06:18 PM

It's part of the reason why I never used the classifieds. LOL Also, probably part of the reason why a LOT of people view online dating as not a good thing to try or do. (not MY view mind you)I know of one person who had extremely good luck with online dating. In fact, they were so successful that they got married to the person they met online. Also, my wife and I met our last two cpls online....and had a GREAT experience with both of them. So this is a natural progression. ;)

I had a really nice relationship with someone from the personals back when we had no pictures to go by. We had great conversations on the phone and then dated for about five months and had lots of fun. And my impression of him when I first saw him was that he was gay, because he was so effeminate. But his personality won me over. We even got back together for a month or two after we broke up. Really great guy, just not into commitment, which is what I wanted back then.

nycindie

06-06-2011, 06:22 PM

First of all, you can go in and adjust your settings so that your profile is only viewable by members logged in. Second of all, you can have pics up that show you in shadow, in silhouette, blurred or obscured in some way and then explain why you don't want them public -- then offer to send pics upon request. I've seen lots of profiles like that. It's understandable when you're married. But somehow figure out a way to put the word polyamory or non-monogamy in your profile to make it come up in searches.

Hmmmm.... maybe I should give OKC another try, there has been a lot of great discussion on this thread and I can see where my profile probably scared people away, as I didn't get but 2 responses to it. I was listed as 'married' as I thought 'available' was misleading, but I get it now that it is not. I was and am still hesitant about pictures, tho. We live in a small rural area and we are not 'open' about our relationship being open. I work in a busy income tax office and I would not want my tax clients to know this about me. We do have a profile on a 'swingers' site, with the hopes of finding more poly people than swingers and had some luck with that, and we do have pictures posted there. If a client happened to see my picture there, then I could also say... soooo, what were you doing looking on there?? :p lol But being OKC is also singles, I am still hinky about it.

So, really..... no pictures, no response?? Hmmmmm......

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 06:24 PM

I had a really nice relationship with someone from the personals back when we had no pictures to go by. We had great conversations on the phone and then dated for about five months and had lots of fun. And my impression of him when I first saw him was that he was gay, because he was so effeminate. But his personality won me over. We even got back together for a month or two after we broke up. Really great guy, just not into commitment, which is what I wanted back then.Oh, trust me, I heard of many successful relationships from personal ads. However, I heard WAY more horror stories from them. LOL

Magdlyn

06-06-2011, 07:01 PM

First of all, you can go in and adjust your settings so that your profile is only viewable by members logged in. Second of all, you can have pics up that show you in shadow, in silhouette, blurred or obscured in some way and then explain why you don't want them public -- then offer to send pics upon request. I've seen lots of profiles like that. It's understandable when you're married. But somehow figure out a way to put the word polyamory or non-monogamy in your profile to make it come up in searches.

I've also dated a couple college professors who didn't have pix up because so many of their students are on OKC. (Here in Mass, it seems every single and poly person is on OKC, because it got its start here.) So, I do not rule out profiles with no pic, as long as it is explained why near the top of their profile, and the person offers to send pix soon after we start chatting.

BTW, I am only posting bad first messages here. I wouldn't post the messages of a guy who actually interested me, because he might be here, or come here eventually. And I've stopped posting about chats or dates with promising men here also, because lately, none of them have worked out, so what is the point? :mad:

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 08:33 PM

Ok, my profile now reads "available". So does my wife's. I've actually had like 4 ppl look at my profile since changing it. :D LOL WOW!

nycindie

06-06-2011, 09:08 PM

Oh. My. Gawd.

I just received the most bizarre message on OKC.

It's from a guy who lives in another part of the state, way too far for anything to start up, but he felt he had to write to let me know that he doesn't like my hair:

"Men like women who have a youthful appearance and to express a minority opinion, your hair doesn't communicate youthfulness nor a great deal of care. Neither thing can be objectively measured of course, its just an opinion. I read where you feel you get lots of positive feedback so perhaps this is a balance. I see a head of gray hair on a woman and I think of my granny."

Niiiiiiiice. My hair isn't even totally grey, it's brown and grey mixed. And people constantly tell me I look way younger than I am, anyway.

Well, you know the old saying, "If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask." I like to modify that one to: "If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you."

This from a 55 year old guy (maybe at that age, he's dated some silver-haired women? Ya think??), who is rather unattractive, and who has three pictures up - one of his dog, one of Niagara Falls, and one lousy closeup of his face taken from his computer's webcam. And he's not model material by any means, being quite overweight (I mention this not to say I find overweight people unattractive, which isn't the case, but that I think his stance is odd considering that he is not the societal ideal anymore than my hair is).

Sheesh. Some people. I wrote back and told him: "Regarding my hair, well I am so glad I don't wear it the way I do for you. I don't give a shit who doesn't like it, since it makes me happy not to dye it anymore, after doing so since my 20s. I embrace my natural beauty and do not live my life to please other people, though plenty of men message me here just to say how much they love my hair."

What an asshole! I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to like the color of my hair, but why write just to tell me you don't?? Move on if it's such a turn-off. I'm not going around writing to guys whose features I find unattractive, just so they know about it. Unbelievable!

TL4everu2

06-06-2011, 10:12 PM

Wow Cindie. I actually LIKE a woman with grey in her hair. ;) My wife has some peppering through, and our last gf had to dye her hair to keep it from being completely grey. I liked it! Don't dye it! And that guy is a douche nozzle!

nycindie

06-06-2011, 10:39 PM

It doesn't bother me that he doesn't like my hair (and I wouldn't change it for someone else, anyway - never did it for my husband, not gonna start now).

I just think it's bizarre that he had to contact me just to tell me he doesn't like something about me. WTF? Why go around offering opinions to people... it's such a strange thing to do. I'm not upset, but it's just fucked up.

Actually, my first thought was, "another gem for the online dating thread!" LOL

nycindie

06-07-2011, 02:23 AM

Oh, hey, TL, there was something else I wanted to suggest to you. In your profiles, you and LT both have something like, "If you don't know what poly means, go look it up." I gotta say, that comes off as a little unfriendly, impatient, or even a bit arrogant -- and I know you don't mean it that way. Sounds like you're saying "Go look it up, stupid!" Plus it's telling them to go do some work in order to understand what you're about, rather than you filling them in a little bit. Why not provide a link and/or a short explanation?

Here are how some other people have done it on OKC:

"I'm polyamorous (poly). For the uninitiated, polyamory means that I have multiple concurrent serious relationships, with everyone involved being fully informed. I have existing partners who are wonderful people but unfortunately live far away (and I'm not giving them up for anyone)."

"I am very happy with my life. I have a wonderful husband named _____ . I am polyamorous and find it amazingly fulfilling. Having a deeply committed, romantic and loving relationship with 2 men was not something I originally looked for but was surprised at how easily my heart adapted. If you are unfamiliar with Polyamory here is a good site for info: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html (The relationships I have are sexually separate - my husband does not get involved. He wouldn't mind becoming friends though)."

"I believe in relationship anarchy. Monogamy isn't my thing. I am responsible, committed and trustworthy, but not jealous, neither willing to own anybody nor to be owned. Polyamory is my choice."

"I'm in an open marriage with ______. We love each other very much, but we're also very independent. The kids today are calling it polyamory (but, we're not looking for threesomes). See http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html for more information if you are not familiar with it. Polyamory is quite an adventure."

"My husband and I have an open marriage. We are very happy in our relationship and not looking for anything or anyone to "replace" anything in our lives. We are looking for friends and partners who will enrich our lives. I am looking for others who are also open and honest."

"I believe in polyamory (if you don't know what that is feel free to ask or if you're too shy to ask here's an excellent page about it www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html). I believe love, commitment and friendship are not restricted to just one person. I am looking to meet new friends and if something develops beyond that well then that's just a bonus. I am not interested in casual sex or flings. Friends first, without friendship and respect there can be no relationships."

"I am in a loving, polyamorous relationship with my husband, ____. We realize that monogamy is good for some people, but does not work for us. I'm not here to cheat or help someone cheat. Please don't waste my time with perverted messages - it's not my thing. Being Polyamorous isn't an open door for casual sex in my book. It is something I am open to discuss if you need further explanation."

Just some ideas for you!!

TL4everu2

06-07-2011, 02:31 AM

Thanks Cindie! ;) Are you sure you don't wanna move to Florida? :p

Magdlyn

06-07-2011, 03:15 AM

Wow, Cindie, what a stupid troll! That is so freekin ignorant. I have had very few people be so rude to me, but there have been a few...

Your hair is awesome and that guy is a loser.

BTW, this morning I had your profile open to your pix since I saw you added a new one, and my gf looked over and said, Who's that pretty lady? I told her that's my friend Cindie! I am often talking about you to the gf so she was glad to see your face...

nycindie

06-07-2011, 03:37 AM

nycindie

06-07-2011, 05:14 AM

Try and make your profile have more things you like. And then surround those things in [[I like this]] brackets. Its makes matching work better and searching. If some woman is looking for someone in MMA it would place better in the search results.

Do that with everything that is important and you might find other people match better to you as well.

Can you explain this, Ari? I always ignore those highlighted terms in people's profiles.

TL4everu2

06-07-2011, 11:11 AM

Thank you, darlin'!! The pic I have up now as my first one is Burnsy's favorite. The new one was taken today!

I think my profile is just too damn long, but every time I try to shorten it, I eventually wind up adding to it again. It always takes a lot of work for me to be succinct.See? Now THIS, is a problem for me. I don't like reading books. I would rather have the movie. LOL My ADHD just gets in the way. :p When a woman has too long of a read on her profile, I get distracted by other things. Oh look! A picture! LOL

TL4everu2

06-07-2011, 09:54 PM

Cindie, look at my profile again please. I have added to it to be a little nicer. ;)

Ariakas

06-07-2011, 11:10 PM

Can you explain this, Ari? I always ignore those highlighted terms in people's profiles.

It used to help in searches as well as when doing quick matches. It would find people and list the similarities.

I am not sure if it helped the match percentage per se. But it can affect some of the other misc things.

Not to mention it helps when reading a profile. I tend to scan first. If I find some similar interests I can deep dive. If I don't find anything worthwhile, I leave the person's profile.

Jericka

06-08-2011, 12:44 AM

About the guy who criticized your hair:
I've had a couple messages from guys saying critical things about me, and I wondered if they were PUA(pick-up artists) trying to use the "neg" technique. That is, they are attempting to poke a woman's self confidence by saying something negative about her. The object of the game is to make her want to prove her attractiveness...hopefully to them.

No, it didn't work that way on me either.

nycindie

06-13-2011, 10:37 PM

. . . you can have pics up that show you in shadow, in silhouette, blurred or obscured in some way and then explain why you don't want them public -- then offer to send pics upon request. I've seen lots of profiles like that.

So, really..... no pictures, no response?? Hmmmmm......

JnR, I thought I'd share a profile with you of a woman who has pics that don't really show her face. I think she does this well, and what she says about it is very cool, too:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/throwinsand

JnR

06-13-2011, 10:43 PM

[QUOTE=nycindie;86170]JnR, I thought I'd share a profile with you of a woman who has pics that don't really show her face. I think she does this well, and what she says about it is very cool, too:

Thank you Nycindie.... I temporarily shut down my profile so I can't see it. But its on my 'to-do' list for this week to start it back up again and make some changes and see what happens. I will definitely take a look at it :)

Magdlyn

06-19-2011, 03:17 PM

This guy PMed me once, then a few days later, IMed me on okc. His profile was rather brief, so we were chatting, getting to know each other. I gathered he was in his early 50s, and is a teacher, he said he was planning a 6 week cross country bicycle trip this summer. So, he asked me what my summer plans were. I said, just went to Philly, planning to go to a music fest in July, and go to the beach some otherwise.

Then he pounces, "and meeting me?" It seemed so abrupt. We'd only been chatting for like 10 minutes. So I said, "Well, I don't know yet, I usually like to know a bit more about someone before planning a date. Why do you want to meet me?" He said, "I think you're sexy." I said, "I should meet you because you think I'm sexy? I don't know, I haven't gotten a feel for you yet." So then he typed the dreaded phrase, "What do you want to know?"

I always hate that question. He messaged me, he should be asking me questions and offering information, not just expecting me to start digging around about him!

So, I said, "I hate that question, it's so open-ended." He then said, "Get concrete." Then I really didnt know what to say! So, finally I wracked my brain and asked, "When do you leave on your trip?" since we had been in the middle of talking about summer plans, until he interrupted that with asking me to meet him!

But he didnt respond right away, so I told him I needed to go to bed. Meh.

TL4everu2

06-19-2011, 03:35 PM

HA! Candy was being bothered by this guy on OKC. He kept sending her messages. Just short little ones, like "Hey, you look very nice" and "Hey, I liked your profile, maybe we should talk", etc. Anyway, he finally started IMing her. His IM's were always short and scattered. Never really about anything in specific. Candy just passed it off. Then he started asking her when she would like to meet up. She told him "Can't meet up with anyone right now. I'm seeing someone and hubby has a fight coming up, so I don't meet up with anyone in the last couple weeks before a fight.". His response: "OK". That was it...Nothing more that day. Two days later, he asks her if she likes sports, and tells her he has season tix to three of the local sports teams. She says she likes sports, but can't go anywhere till the 24. He says "Ok, maybe we can go out after that?" She says "maybe, but I have to tell you, I do a backgorund check on everyone I go out with. This is because the last guy I was seeing lied to me about his past and I found out. So now I do it on everyone." His response: "I would never lie to you. But I have to tell you I have a record." Then he went silent for a cpl days. Then, last night, he tells her his record is for domestic violence! Candy said "I'm sorry, I don't date people with that on their record." and blocked him. I'm sure he'll create another account to try to "explain" the situation to her. :rolleyes: Almost done with OKC. Had a bit more luck on Myyearbook.com though.

Carma

07-05-2011, 06:57 PM

I just heard about seekingarrangements.com. It's a sugar daddy dating site, but I thought it might be an interesting option -- thoughts anyone?

TL4everu2

07-05-2011, 11:40 PM

LOL Ok...After 2 weeks on Myyearbook.com, I have figured out that online dating is completely male dominated.

My profile on MYB, was looked at 54 times withtin 2 weeks....While Cotton Candies was looked at....403 times! She gets contacted DAILY by 5 or 6 guys....While I have yet to be contacted. I had one response to the 4 e-mails I've sent out. It was "While you are nice, I'm not really into the type of relationship that you are looking for. Best of luck to you hun". :rolleyes: Whatever.

Done with being "active" in looking. I've found that MOST (please read that word everyone) women are not interested in a poly relationship.

At this point, I just don't care. Might start hanging out at the swingers club again. Probably not hooking up (never really did before) but just being there and hanging on the dance side. I might take up dance classes too since I can't fight anymore.

nycindie

07-06-2011, 02:59 AM

Maybe your profile still sounds too much like a couple looking for a third? Have you pared it down to focus on YOU without mentioning LT so very, very much like you did on OKC?

TL4everu2

07-06-2011, 11:54 AM

My profile on MYB had nothing about Candy on it.

BlackUnicorn

07-06-2011, 12:12 PM

What is the online etiquette when it comes to people who repeatedly message you and seemingly forget they have contacted you before?

I am pretty sure I will not be answering this guy, since OKC even points out the date when you first messaged the person you are about to write to, and he didn't even bother to check that.

Funnily enough, he always messages me when I put 'casual sex' on my 'searching for' :D. Seriously considering whether I should change my profile from bisexual to lesbian so as to avoid the hassle. On the other hand, that would be dishonest :confused:.

nycindie

07-06-2011, 04:19 PM

If you don't want someone to contact you again, just block him. I usually hide them first, so that we don't see each other on the site, then I block.

Also, I've found that on OKC, "short-term relationships" gets the idea of casual across well enough. Being a woman and selecting "casual sex" to show in your profile just tends to attract the pervs and sleazy types. Better to just search for people who are looking for that when you do a match search.

Magdlyn

07-08-2011, 03:52 PM

Well, I didn't post here about 3 prospects I have... or had. Didn't want to jinx them.

One nice guy, right in my town. About my age. Let's call him R. 4 kids, ages 18-30. None of them live with him. Separated from his wife 8 years ago, divorced 5 years ago. Seemed to have his shit together. We met for lunch and it went great. Very interesting, smart, funny, nice looking. 2nd date, he came here, had lovely chats, watched a DVD. We held hands and cuddled during that.

After the movie, I asked him sort of what his intentions were, and he said, I'd like to see where this is going. So, I kissed him, we made out for a while. All systems go.

Next day, we made a date to meet again in a few days. But then he got all excited and asked to come over just then. Neither of us had a big enough window for more that a quickie tho, so I told him I'd rather wait til the date we'd set a few days later.

Early on the day of the date, he cancelled saying his ex was emotionally abusing their younger kids too much and he needed to deal with the issues. I haven't heard from him again in 2 days. So, back burner on that guy.

Next guy, P, messaged me on Fetlife a month ago. We started chatting daily. He indicated he had a sort of gf, but she was vanilla and he really wasn't satisfied with that. He lives an hour away, has parttime custody of his 3 teen kids.

We chatted of many things, some sexy stuff as well as day to day stuff, and after a couple weeks set a date to meet last week at a pub near me. Day of, he cancelled b/c his youngest son, age 13, had his 3rd bout of strep of the year and needed medical attention. Told me he still wanted to meet me next week and would let me know Friday (today) if he could get away Monday or Tuesday.

So, today he didnt get online first thing in the morning as he had always done. So I texted him and he imm. got on chat and said he didnt want to meet me after all, he was "getting serious" with his vanilla gf. Fucking liar. He totally led me on, but words were, it was all "it's a free for all, just poly fun." ARRGGHHH...

3rd guy. S. We had 2 dates last year and then he had family issues, a death in the family, and moved away for a while to deal with things. Now he's back and wants to get together next week. He apologized and was very complimentary of what he remembered of me. Let's see if he also bails on me!

transitapparent

07-08-2011, 08:24 PM

I've been chatting with a girl on yahoo messenger for a couple days. I sent her a message on OKC and actually got a positive response back. nothing hot, nothing sexual, just kinda feeling each other out. it's long distance so we'll see how it pans out.

nycindie

07-08-2011, 08:45 PM

I've been communicating with someone on OKC who wants to take me to a Broadway show for our first meeting. That's rare!

TL4everu2

07-08-2011, 11:51 PM

I've been making a new fiend with someone I met here. I've also been making a new friend with a woman I met on Myyearbook. But neither are women I am looking to "date". Just making new friends. I've effectivly given up on finding someone to "date". Just finding a new friend I can be somewhat close with, that's a female, is good enough for me right now.

nycindie

07-15-2011, 03:46 PM

Thought I'd go over the results of my online dating successes/failures:

I joined OKC nine months ago (Oct. 2010) and have conversed with quite a number of guys. In the nine months I've belonged I've only actually met nine guys in person, so I guess my average is 1 per month. Here is the breakdown of how those worked out:

Dreamy: Two dates > fun sex, good camaraderie > turned into friendship (tho I wish it was more) > still in touch, we go out as friends occasionally. Glad he's in my life. Sweet, incredibly sexy, funny man, I adore him!

RJ: 1 date > nice guy but boring > peck on cheek at end of night > date went nowhere > no further contact.

P: 1 date > dinner, sex > exchanged emails briefly afterward > he ended contact w/o explanation > still visits my profile. I think I intimidated him. Would be interested if he was, but whatever. ???

M: 2 dates > very unsatisfying sex (but he thought it was great) > he wanted to be mono with me, acted weird > I broke it off > he got pissed > had to block him. Disaster.

BC: 1 date > okay conversation, former swinger (now poly) couldn't keep his eyes off my boobs > not attracted to him > feeling lonely, gave him a chance, made out anyway > a few days later, told him I wasn't interested > he wanted reasons > gave reasons, then blocked him. Afraid I'll run into him at local poly events. Regrettable.

GH: 1 mo. online/phone conversations > I asked for booty call > he obliged (very gentlemanly & accommodating) > wanted to be mono with someone else, took down his OKC profile > he asked to remain friends, we talk/email occasionally. Great guy who lives too far from me. His relationship ended > we'll see.

Burnsy: 1.5 months of online & phone conversations, married poly guy > LDR blossoms, hot & romantic > contact with metamour, hopeful start > 2 days spent together > meals, museums, walks, sex > agreement to continue LDR. Great guy, hope it works out. Very fond of him.

JT: 1 month of emails/texts > 1 date > great conversation & flirting, extremely attracted to him > hot makeout session w/ groping > calls two days later to say he can't date me, wants to be mono w/ someone else > he agrees to stay friends (my suggestion) > he took down his OKC profile. We'll see.

The Writer: 2 dates > enjoyed conversations, but no spark > brief makeout on 1st date, a bit dull > clash of personalities on 2nd date > we mutually & politely wish each other well.

Minxxa

07-17-2011, 10:54 PM

I've only been on OKC since maybe March? I put up the profile, then got caught up in real life and ignored it for a while. Went back and went through messages. I've talked to very few guys...

1) first guy seemed fine, but turns out he's got a girlfriend who doesn't know he's f-ing around. I told him I don't do dishonest-- he seemed to think it was a thrill. :-/

2) talked briefly to second guy... he ended up sending pics-- didn't look anything like the pic on his profile, and I had NO attraction. Felt bad, but I have to find someone attractive in some ways physically. I have a pretty wide range of what I find attractive.. and I know that there are plenty of people that wouldn't find me attractive, so there you go.

3) had one guy message me, and he seems pretty cool. We're still trying to work out getting together for a drink, hoping for this week/weekend. His profile is cool, his name doesn't have 4U or any taco references and we've talked briefly and he's fairly well spoken. So far so good. I also think he's kind of cute. :)

4) talked briefly to a guy who messaged me this week. He seems nice, but I don't have much time right now, and want to see how guy above works out before I make anymore connections. I did message him, though to let him know my plate was full right now but I'd like to chat a little and see what transpires.

That's about it for me. We'll see how it goes after this week...

Phantessa

07-18-2011, 03:30 AM

Forgive my naivety, what is OKC that I keep seeing people talk about?

NeonKaos

07-18-2011, 03:44 AM

OKCupid (.com)

nycindie

08-24-2011, 09:04 PM

Funny (but true) article about online dating, especially how to word an introductory message to someone:

Online dating? Why no one wants you (http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/social.media/08/24/online.dating.messages.netiquette/index.html?hpt=hp_c2)

Magdlyn

08-25-2011, 02:01 PM

Magdlyn

08-25-2011, 08:30 PM

OK, just got this msg on okc:

If you could fart on anyone in the world, who would you choose, and why?

the hell?

nycindie

08-25-2011, 08:35 PM

OK, just got this msg on okc:
Quote:
If you could fart on anyone in the world, who would you choose, and why?

the hell?

ROTFLMAO!!! That's worse than the "horseless prince" that asked if I could give him some of my hair.

Magdlyn

08-25-2011, 08:46 PM

He's a 27 year old guy and his most private thing to admit is

I sometimes pick my nose when I'm driving, and when people see me...I wink at them and keep on going. I also think girl farts are adorable.

Sorry honey. That's not a kink I share. :rolleyes:

nycindie

08-25-2011, 08:56 PM

Sounds like a fake, joke profile. Some people get their kicks...

SourGirl

08-26-2011, 06:12 PM

Hahahahaha, oh Mags, that one is 'Tops' !

I`ve not had many doozies. I have to live vicariously. Though on Fet, I say I dont really want to friend 'friend collectors' and so,..guess what I get ?
I`ll be taking that statement down.
Duh @ me. On a kink site, and forgetting that people generally want to do, what they aren`t suppose to. :cool:

nycindie

08-28-2011, 11:08 PM

Though on Fet, I say I dont really want to friend 'friend collectors' and so,..guess what I get ?

I admit, I joined Fetlife just to see what it is about and I find it totally confusing. I don't know how anyone meets people from it. I don't see any forums there, or ways for people to connect, just a bunch of profiles and pictures you can make comments on. I once came across a discussion on OKC where someone said the site isn't very user-friendly and all these menus are hidden in drop-down boxes, and what-not, but I guess I'm more of a message board/forum-oriented person and can't make heads or tails out of how to use that site. I was hoping to find people who aren't too kinky and are maybe just curious, and I'd heard that there are poly people there, but... epic fail for me in just figuring out how to navigate it! ???

opalescent

08-29-2011, 12:44 AM

I admit, I joined Fetlife just to see what it is about and I find it totally confusing. I don't know how anyone meets people from it. I don't see any forums there, or ways for people to connect, just a bunch of profiles and pictures you can make comments on... I was hoping to find people who aren't too kinky and are maybe just curious, and I'd heard that there are poly people there, but... epic fail for me in just figuring out how to navigate it! ???

I joined Fetlife to learn more about kink. It's been very helpful for that. You can also join groups - some are based on various kinks (rough sex), some on location (US east coasters), some on types of people (lesbian submissive), etc. I found the groups to be where the discussions and interactions take place. Some people do comment on profiles or send messages to folks but I have not found that a way to meet people on Fet.

JnR

08-29-2011, 12:55 AM

Well, I have once again stuck my toe in the water and re-started my OKC profile so will see how that goes :) I think I have taken the ample time to let my past wounds heal and am ready to see what is out there for me. Last time wasn't so successful, but am thinking it had more to do with where my head was at and that I wasn't giving it a fair chance. Feeling a little excited, had one response so far from a good looking man who lives about 3 hours away. We have exchanged a few emails and seems like we have a few hobbies in common. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, just fun to have someone 'new' to chat with. :)

SourGirl

08-30-2011, 02:27 PM

Actually Fetlife really isn`t all that....'naughty'.

Sure, there is a percentage of the community that is into some hardcore stuff, but mostly you will find people who's kinks are relatively mild, it just feels exciting and new for them.

Fetlife is like Facebook. It has a lot of the same ways of navigation. It is social networking, making the 'dating' secondary. There are TONS of topical discussions. I`m rather partial to that style, as there are so many walks of life on it. So many topics and groups,...whatever mood you are in. :)

I have made some real life friends from the fetlife site. :) I use to be a fan of okc, but for where I am at, okc doesn`t really suit me anymore.

Magdlyn

08-30-2011, 06:25 PM

I admit, I joined Fetlife just to see what it is about and I find it totally confusing. I don't know how anyone meets people from it. I don't see any forums there, or ways for people to connect, just a bunch of profiles and pictures you can make comments on.

You go to Groups to see discussion threads. There are groups for every fetish and interest imaginable. Groups for event announcements, etc. Also there are 2 groups for general questions for men and women, that are very popular.

I once came across a discussion on OKC where someone said the site isn't very user-friendly and all these menus are hidden in drop-down boxes, and what-not, but I guess I'm more of a message board/forum-oriented person and can't make heads or tails out of how to use that site. I was hoping to find people who aren't too kinky and are maybe just curious, and I'd heard that there are poly people there, but... epic fail for me in just figuring out how to navigate it! ???

Actually Fetlife really isn`t all that....'naughty'.

Sure, there is a percentage of the community that is into some hardcore stuff, but mostly you will find people who's kinks are relatively mild, it just feels exciting and new for them.

Hehe are you going to the same FL I am? No one who is a prude should go there, as there are pix on people's profiles of genitalia and all sorts of extreme play, even "edge play."

Fetlife is like Facebook. It has a lot of the same ways of navigation. It is social networking, making the 'dating' secondary. There are TONS of topical discussions. I`m rather partial to that style, as there are so many walks of life on it. So many topics and groups,...whatever mood you are in. :)

I have made some real life friends from the fetlife site. :) I use to be a fan of okc, but for where I am at, okc doesn`t really suit me anymore.

I've had chats with at least 2 dozen people on FL, but none have really gone anywhere. Most guys just seem to want a partner to perform one particular fetish on them/with them, and can't seem to conceive of a full relationship. :rolleyes:

SourGirl

08-30-2011, 06:58 PM

HaHa Mags,..actually when you say that, I m definitely basing mine on local kinksters. I just dont see that many who are truly hardcore. Many who want you to think they are, and put up impressive kink-site pics, but its been my experience that many claims are just that,..claims. I am not into any of the hardcore S&M, and I find it easy to avoid.

As for meeting people, it use to work for me that way too. Fetlife, was just attracting idgits who couldnt think past their sticky sock. OKC seemed to garner more serious people.

However, lots of profile changes later, it seems to have the opposite effect.

marksbabygirl

08-30-2011, 09:16 PM

I was hoping to find people who aren't too kinky and are maybe just curious, and I'd heard that there are poly people there, but... epic fail for me in just figuring out how to navigate it! ???

Search button is your friend.

Search polyamory
Search poly
Search your area (ie: New York)

It will bring up kinksters, groups and events with those words in them.

Then join the groups, and start talking to people.

Talk to your greeter - she/he will be an amazing resource for you :) (or you can find me on there - I'm a greeter and will be happy to send you my barebones greeting letter that will get you started)

NeonKaos

08-31-2011, 12:15 AM

Search button is your friend.

Search polyamory
Search poly
Search your area (ie: New York)

Don'tcha know, some people on this forum are not savvy like that. :rolleyes:

nycindie

08-31-2011, 12:33 AM

Search button is your friend.

Search polyamory
Search poly
Search your area (ie: New York)

It will bring up kinksters, groups and events with those words in them.

Then join the groups, and start talking to people.

Don'tcha know, some people on this forum are not savvy like that. :rolleyes:
Why don't they just have clearly-defined links to forums or some such?

And I am pretty savvy about websites.

I believe I have done the search exactly as you described, but I guess it's the fact that it's more of a blog format than a message board that throws me. Plus I should probably change my browser's color's for that site, as I have a hard time reading white letters on a black background. I just find the whole site too circular to navigate.

Eh, kink isn't really my thing anyway and I don't care to investigate it further. I just was curious about it and then stymied how anyone can say it's a great community to be a part of and they've met people there, when I can't find anything on it easily enough with doing click after click after click or search after search - bah! They need to revamp the design of it.

NeonKaos

08-31-2011, 12:41 AM

And I am pretty savvy about websites.

I didn't mean you particularly, i was just poking snark about how people always seem to be able to find a website then they inexplicably become "computer-illiterate" when they get there, as if you need a degree in IT in order to figure out how to use a search engine or read a menu.

marksbabygirl

08-31-2011, 02:14 AM

Why don't they just have clearly-defined links to forums or some such?

I believe I have done the search exactly as you described, but I guess it's the fact that it's more of a blog format than a message board that throws me. Plus I should probably change my browser's color's for that site, as I have a hard time reading white letters on a black background. I just find the whole site too circular to navigate.

I think its because anyone can start a group. There's no specific forums.

So for me - I joined groups that interested me, talked to people who interested me and responded to threads that I found interesting.

Its funny - I'm more used to *that* type of forum than I am this... well, now I'm used to this one - but when I first joined this one I HATED it... it was awful to follow and I couldn't keep track because the threads kept moving and my cookies wouldn't mark what I'd read up to ... it drove me nucking futz.

:p

Northern

09-07-2011, 07:32 PM

TL4everu2

09-08-2011, 01:12 AM

I am now on MyYearbook. I have also just about stopped going on to OKC, entirely. Why? Because it's boring and every single person I've contacted on that site, has run the other way when they find out I'm married in an open marriage. :rolleyes:

It still happens on MyYearbook, but not nearly as often. Plus, because of the ability to post a status update on a regular basis, and the ability to actually TALK to other people, it's not nearly as boring as OKC.

Magdlyn

09-08-2011, 01:46 AM

Latest msgs on okc

28 yr old male:

Are you into surfers? Hi, I'm "X." I'd like to take you out for drinks sometime and have some fun together. Too bad the summer is over now. Let me know what you think.

I don't know what being into surfers means. His profile says he wants women as old as 35. I'm 56.

hello,u enjoy many things that i myself enjoy.please say hi to a decent looking ff looking to enjoy ones comp

49 yr old male. I have no idea what ff means, or how he wishes to "enjoy his comp." I hate to imagine.

nycindie

09-08-2011, 01:48 AM

I have no idea what ff means . . .

Fuck Friend? Female Fucker? French Fries?

:confused:

NeonKaos

09-08-2011, 01:49 AM

Latest msgs on okc

28 yr old male:

I don't know what being into surfers means. His profile says he wants women as old as 35. I'm 56.

"surfer" means that he wears shorts, flip-flops, nothing else, has long hair and is not steadily employed. He may or may not actually have and/or know how to use a surfboard.

Being "into surfers" means "do you smoke weed and can you get me any".

Magdlyn

09-08-2011, 01:50 AM

Flakey fiend? Flatulent fake?

I guess the most likely idea is fuck friend, but just cyber fucking! Wow, what an offer.

Magdlyn

09-08-2011, 01:52 AM

"surfer" means that he wears shorts, flip-flops, nothing else, has long hair and is not steadily employed. He may or may not actually have and/or know how to use a surfboard.

Being "into surfers" means do you smoke weed and can you get me any.

hehe. Well, I'm 420 friendly, and he has pix up (if they are really him), 2 of him and his surfboard, one of his guitar. He also has short hair and manly stubble and a strong jaw. A year ago I mightve jumped at the chance, but today, not so much. He lives 77 miles away in RI. *rolleyes*

NeonKaos

09-08-2011, 01:53 AM

hehe. Well, I'm 420 friendly, and he has pix up (if they are really him), 2 of him and his surfboard, one of his guitar. He also has short hair and manly stubble and a strong jaw. A year ago I mightve jumped at the chance, but today, not so much. He lives 77 miles away in RI. *rolleyes*

He ain't a real surfer then.

ETA: Surfing the internet, maybe.

He has 3 pics and one is of his GUITAR? I don't know where to start in on that one...

nycindie

09-08-2011, 02:20 AM

. . . but just cyber fucking! Wow, what an offer.
I think when he wrote "looking to enjoy ones comp" he meant company, not computer. So probably not cyber fucking. :D

Oh, wait a sec - he's in Rhode Island? Maybe cyber fucking.

Still wondering if "ff" was a typo...

nycindie

09-08-2011, 02:23 AM

He has 3 pics and one is of his GUITAR? I don't know where to start in on that one...

Oh yeah, I see a lot of those. It's usually either a pic of the dog, a motorcycle, or a guitar.

Moonglow

09-08-2011, 04:56 AM

I have come to the conclusion that online dating is very difficult. I have had a few back and forths, and made a few friends. Sometimes though it really makes me feel even more lonely because I wonder if there are any "real" people out there at all. It is nice to have someone else to talk to. I could be too idealistic too I suppose...

Also in this day and age of employers trolling the internet and face recognition, I am very reluctant to put my picture on any kind of a profile... I realize that might be part of my problem.

Kealoha

09-08-2011, 07:47 AM

For the past 8 years all of my connections have been found online. I'm terrible at talking to men in person and am far more eloquent in writing to begin with. At least if your intentions and interests are all out in the open on a profile then you can see immediately if your ideologies match. It is not merely about someone's picture, it's how they write, what they say/don't say, if their words offer a glimmer of attraction on a mental level.

This is very similar to how I am. I'm pretty shy in person, and feel more comfortable writing then talking, at least in the beginning. I like that we can find people online with similar interests before we connect with them. I don't "date" online, but I have found many close friends...sadly they are closer than the friends I've made irl since I moved here...one of the few close friends I have irl, I met online. I would have been way to shy to talk to her if I hadn't already met her online. Sure, you have lots of bs and scamming going on, but there's just as much of that irl...I mean how many people try to bs you when you're at a bar or a club? *laughs*

TL4everu2

09-08-2011, 11:26 AM

nycindie

09-08-2011, 12:05 PM

SourGirl

09-08-2011, 04:14 PM

'Gets him' to take her out ? I am sure it is totally a one-sided thing. He was drawn in by her man-eating powers, against his will. :rolleyes:

I am happily a tease. I say so upfront. Its the very rare individual that gets more then flirting and friendship from me. Some of us prefer to stack the odds in our favour, that we will have a good time in bed with someone before we drop our clothing.

There is no problem with any type of approach or method, as long as everyone is in the know, and not being misled. If she was on date 10, and kept saying 'next time' to carry on getting free dinners, then she might be a jackass.
Otherwise 2 dates does not get you nookie, in any rule book of guarantees.

As long as she is upfront about it, try enjoying the friendship, instead of making it sound like she has a problem.

Oh,..btw,.. My FWB is someone I knew 2 years before we ever dropped clothing. So yeah,..what nycindie said.

Kealoha

09-08-2011, 05:39 PM

I made a friend on MYB that is JU?ST a friend. She is now KNOWN for doing just that. She makes "friends" with a guy, gets him to take her out on a couple dates, then gives him the "I just wanna be friends" speech. Bah!

She dates every other night with a different guy, and hasn't slept with any of them. (Kinda admirable, but kinda not) Basically, she is a tease. I joke with her, but that's as far as it will ever go. I found it odd that she was so chummy with me after only talking to me a couple times. I mean, she treated me like a a guy she had known for many years. More like a brother than anything. Kinda nice, but I still don't know how to act around her....So I just try to avoid a little right now. So there is NO CHANCE of her trying to go any further with it. I don't want that kinda drama that is attached to that kind of acting. LOL

Wow...I don't go out very often, but I would hate to think that every guy I talk to feels this way. My husband and I are both very...cautious about who we invite into our bedroom. We have kids, so we also don't invite many people to our house. So although we are both poly, we haven't slept with very many people that we talk to. I'm very shy in person, so it would take me a while to feel comfortable enough to sleep with someone. Besides, I need friends more than lovers. I don't have many irl, and I certainly don't think of them as "just" friends. They are so precious to me. My husband goes out of town a lot for work, and I don't have a car, so my friends (mostly online) keep me from feeling so lonely. I don't consider it teasing. I love sex, it just has to be right, and once I'm comfortable enough, I don't hold back. :)

NeonKaos

09-08-2011, 07:39 PM

She dates every other night with a different guy, and hasn't slept with any of them. (Kinda admirable, but kinda not)

Women are either prudes or whores. There's nothing in between. :rolleyes:

Those poor guys, she could at least put out for a FEW of them.

Kealoha

09-08-2011, 08:30 PM

Women are either prudes or whores. There's nothing in between. :rolleyes:

Those poor guys, she could at least put out for a FEW of them.

Wow, I wonder which category I'd fit into...Guess it depends who's sorting. Anyway, why should anyone have to put out if they don't want to? I remember this party I went to for an on-line friend. I "knew" a few of the people from online, knew what they looked like...but guess what...Out of 40-50 people that randomly showed up on and off that night...only remotely interested in three. No matter how much you like someone online, you still don't know how chemistry will be when you meet. BTW, did not put out that night. Being the way I am, my husband and I hung out with the couple I met at that party a few times before anything ever happened between us...

NeonKaos

09-08-2011, 09:15 PM

Wow, I wonder which category I'd fit into...Guess it depends who's sorting. Anyway, why should anyone have to put out if they don't want to? I remember this party I went to for an on-line friend. I "knew" a few of the people from online, knew what they looked like...but guess what...Out of 40-50 people that randomly showed up on and off that night...only remotely interested in three. No matter how much you like someone online, you still don't know how chemistry will be when you meet. BTW, did not put out that night. Being the way I am, my husband and I hung out with the couple I met at that party a few times before anything ever happened between us...

You do realize I was being very sarcastic? Do you really think that I think women are either prudes or whores, and that they should put out? Are you aware that I'm a female? Did you notice that I bolded TL's remark about "kinda admirable" and I was responding to that?

opalescent

09-08-2011, 09:35 PM

I made a friend on MYB that is JU?ST a friend. She is now KNOWN for doing just that. She makes "friends" with a guy, gets him to take her out on a couple dates, then gives him the "I just wanna be friends" speech. Bah!

She dates every other night with a different guy, and hasn't slept with any of them. (Kinda admirable, but kinda not) Basically, she is a tease. I joke with her, but that's as far as it will ever go. I found it odd that she was so chummy with me after only talking to me a couple times. I mean, she treated me like a a guy she had known for many years. More like a brother than anything. Kinda nice, but I still don't know how to act around her....So I just try to avoid a little right now. So there is NO CHANCE of her trying to go any further with it. I don't want that kinda drama that is attached to that kind of acting. LOL

Oil Man has run into several women like your 'friend'. He's told me that many men believe there are lots of women on sites like Okcupid, plenty of fish, who are not actually interested in relationships, or even casual hookups. What they want is attention from men, and men to pay the bill for dates - dinners, movies, etc. While it is perfectly fine not to sleep with one's dates, it does seem, well, fishy to seek attention while paying for nothing.

Kealoha

09-08-2011, 09:42 PM

You do realize I was being very sarcastic? Do you really think that I think women are either prudes or whores, and that they should put out? Are you aware that I'm a female? Did you notice that I bolded TL's remark about "kinda admirable" and I was responding to that?

*laughs* Ahhh...the problems of not being able to hear someone's voice or facial expressions. Relax, I wasn't angrily replying...or trying to criticize, just people do think this way...the putting out part, not the one or the other comment. After all, there are people out there that believe if you're poly you're a whore.(I've been called that and worse simply because I refused to leave my husband) Why would I feel this way about people? I wouldn't have thought anything regardless of whether you were a male or female. The party thing was just an example of the way things go in my life. Some people would look n say I'm a whore for going in the first place or for (eventually) going home with another couple...some would say I was teasing my poor on-line flirtations for not following through. Always it's a matter of perspective, just as most things are. Hopefully I'm being clear. As I said in a different post, I'm having doubts about my communication skills and will just keep trying until I can be understood.

nycindie

09-08-2011, 09:55 PM

Oil Man has run into several women like your 'friend' . . . What they want is attention from men, and men to pay the bill for dates - dinners, movies, etc. While it is perfectly fine not to sleep with one's dates, it does seem, well, fishy to seek attention while paying for nothing.

I've only had one guy out of the nine I met from OKC pay for everything on a date. Everyone else goes Dutch with me, and not because I insisted but because they just started splitting the bill when it came. I thought that times had changed since my pre-marital dating days and that guys just don't do that anymore. I mean, if I don't have money, I don't go out. Yet, an acquaintance of mine says she never pays on dates. Where are these guys and what am I doing wrong??? :rolleyes:

Kealoha

09-08-2011, 10:46 PM

The funniest thing about this discussion is that it's nothing new. This is all stuff I can remember talking about in high school. The girls that some guys consider a tease...yet guys still take them out and buy them presents. *shrugs* I don't know what's going on inside anyone's heads, so I try not to criticize if I can help it. Everyone has their own perspective and opinions whether I agree with them or not, male or female. On-line or off, people are who they are.

I don't really identify with girls who fish for presents and free meals, I've just never been comfortable with anyone, especially strangers, spending too much money on me...but I did ask about it once. I was told. "1. I never said I'd sleep with any of them. 2. I enjoy going out and getting presents. If they want to spend the money, why should I say no? 4. If they don't like it, they don't have to ask me out." (This was in high school lol) My guy friend, when asked why he bothered to ask this girl out he said. "She's cute and I like her. When I like a girl I take her someplace nice and get her something...and she may have a rep, but...you never know.":p

TL4everu2

09-08-2011, 11:50 PM

Well, I've never gone out on a date with her. Lets get that out of the way right now. Never had the interest to. I thought she was nice at first, and I also thought that MAYBE....BIG MAYBE....down the road, there might be a possibility of something more than just a friendship......maybe.

Then I started seeing that she was all goo goo over guys who proclaimed to have money...or power of some sort. (cops, attorneys, doctors, etc etc) Then I noticed that she would go out on a date, to a place that she absolutely DETESTED (a country bar. She HATES country), in an effort to get the guy to take her out somewhere else. Then her pics on MYB started getting sluttier and sluttier.

All the while, she was trying to act like my sister. :rolleyes: She brags about how much these guys spend on her. And each guy, thinks he's the only one she's dating. :rolleyes:

Now, I'm all for dating a lot. ALL for it. BUT....Dating a different guy every other night, and almost never getting past a third or fourth date, is odd to me. Also, SHE is the one bragging to ME about how she dates all these guys, but never sleeps with any. Then she bitches about how bad she wants to get laid. :rolleyes: I told her once, that I was tempted to fuck her just to get her to shut up about how horny and "hard up" she was. She laughed.

No, she's not a slut. Is she a prude? I doubt it. She IS selective.....but to play with these guys and keep them thinking they are all the only guy she's seeing, is wrong.

Kealoha

09-09-2011, 12:29 AM

She brags about how much these guys spend on her. And each guy, thinks he's the only one she's dating. :rolleyes:

Yup, totally do not identify with this girl at all. I do know people like that, unfortunately. It might be nice to have court side seats at games and limo rides and diamonds (Yes, this is someone I know), but it's not really anything that anyone should brag about...and lying to these guys is definitely not cool. Frankly, sounds almost like she's trying to find your angle and play you too. Kind of like, "I only play with these guys to get stuff and I don't even have to sleep with them...but you..." lol who knows! Takes all kinds I guess. Either way, it's not limited to on-line dating, those types are everywhere unfortunately...

TL4everu2

09-09-2011, 01:28 AM

Well, she could even sleep with me...or even wake me up with a hummer. I'm not spending any money on her. LOL

I've actually begun distancing myself from her so she doesn't message me anymore. I got tired of her asking me to tell other guys (who CLAIM to be cops but really aren't) that she "just wants to be handcuffed". I mean...REALLY? THAT starved for attention? Come on!

I deliberatly stay away from people like that.

Kandy and I just met a "couple" on MYB last night. They CLAIM to be very similar to us. Oddly enough, the guy seems to be talking to Kandy a LOT, while his "wife" has said a couple words here or there. The next "odd" part, is that the guy sets up a time to meet with us, when his "wife" is conveniently out on a date with someone else. Yet "they" claim to be a poly couple looking for another poly cpl. Also "they" claim to be looking for a quad type relationship with them, and us. :rolleyes: Yet the only one we get to meet, is the guy.

Blahhh...Most guys are all the same, and think that my wife and I will not see through their guise. Bummer for them AND us. Oh well....

Nevermind me while I sink further into a depression. bah!

Kealoha

09-09-2011, 02:04 AM

Nevermind me while I sink further into a depression. bah!

Awww...*hugs* Don't be sad! I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for! You know, it's rare to find one person who wants the same thing that you do...even rarer to find a couple! It just makes the one(s) you find that much more precious! *laughs* It would almost be the opposite with my husband and I. He goes out of town a lot, so chances are...anyone asking to meet us would be more likely to meet me than him, unless they happen to live in the town he's working in at the moment.:p

TL4everu2

09-09-2011, 02:39 AM

LOL! Well, her drama continues. :rolleyes: She just told Kandy that she wanted me to take down a pic of her and Kandy together outside of a restraunt. Whatever. I just took her off my friends list. She asked Kandy...not even asked me. Whatever. Now she's telling Kandy that she only told her, because she didn't see me online. Oddly enough, I was online at the same time she started messaging Kandy. Pffff...whatever....again.

I've almost decided that there are no women out there, who will ever equal my wife, or...if they can equal her....will not put up with me. :p LOL So....sigh.....move on to the next stage in my life; pain...and retirement.

Kealoha

09-09-2011, 03:35 AM

SourGirl

09-09-2011, 03:42 PM

Wow TL4everu2, she sounds like her brain is still in high school! Asking you to pass messages to other guys? Asking your wife to pass a message to you? ...and if it's on-line, I wouldn't buy the "didn't see you online" because you can always leave a message. Whatever, sounds like you're better off! In any case, of course you're not going to find anyone as good as your wife! That's why she's your wife! That doesn't mean you won't find someone that deserves your time and your love...The thing is, knowing how rare this person is...will make you appreciate her/them all the more, because you know for sure that you can't just pick up any old person off the street to get what you want. Also, I'm sure this whole thing is making you appreciate your wife more lol. Hopefully you let her know it as often as possible! :)

^^What the new chick said. :)

It may not be the popular way of thinking, but you DON`T have to try and love everyone all equal. As long as everyone is truly ok with the arrangements, just let situations be what they are.

There is a difference between being picky, and being cynical of everything you see.
Are you sure you are just being picky with women, TL ?
The posts come across more as cynical, hence some of the responses.

TL4everu2

09-10-2011, 12:00 AM

^^What the new chick said. :)

It may not be the popular way of thinking, but you DON`T have to try and love everyone all equal. As long as everyone is truly ok with the arrangements, just let situations be what they are.

There is a difference between being picky, and being cynical of everything you see.
Are you sure you are just being picky with women, TL ?
The posts come across more as cynical, hence some of the responses.Oh, believe me, I AM being picky with women....BUT....I am also somewhat cynical. I mean, there is a HUGE double standard when it comes to poly dating. Women think us guys have it so easy, while they play coy and sit back letting the men come to them. :rolleyes:

Think about it....I would be willing to bet that if I were to ask 100 single men, if they would sleep with a married woman who was in a poly relationship, that 95% of them would say SURE! I would go even further and saythat out of those 100 men, if you asked them if they would be willing to have a RELATIONSHIP with a married woman in a poly relationship, that 75-80% would be willing to try it depending on the woman involved.

CONVERSELY......

Ask 100 WOMEN if they would sleep with a married MAN in a poly relationship.....I would venture to say that 95% would say a resounding NO. And if asked about having a RELATIONSHIP with a married man, I think the numbers would go a bit LOWER. As women tend to be more into a relationship as opposed to just casual sex. So I would say that possibly only 90% of the women would say NO to a relationship with a man in a poly marriage.

And people wonder WHY I sound so cynical?

Well...The reason is because with THREE exceptions, every woman I've attempted to converse with, quits talking to me as soon as they find out I'm married and in a poly relationship. Of those THREE, I dated one....and it went poorly. The other, I'm still speaking to, and the third....well...I already spoke about her above.

So there you have it. I LOVE females. I am 100% straight....but almost EVERY SINGLE ONE of them....has been totally unaccepting of anything out of the "norm".

Magdlyn

09-10-2011, 12:22 AM

Think about it....I would be willing to bet that if I were to ask 100 single men, if they would sleep with a married woman who was in a poly relationship, that 95% of them would say SURE! I would go even further and saythat out of those 100 men, if you asked them if they would be willing to have a RELATIONSHIP with a married woman in a poly relationship, that 75-80% would be willing to try it depending on the woman involved.

Has not been my experience, at all, in 2 1/2 years of dating.

MonoVCPHG

09-10-2011, 01:19 AM

I have to admit, I think if you asked 100 single guys if they would sleep with a married woman behind the husband's back then likely over half would say yes; as long as they didn't know the husband personally. Very few would engage in a relationship with that woman though I think. If they had to meet the husband I doubt many would bother at all. There are way too many less entangled woman at least in my area....something like 4 to one.

nycindie

09-10-2011, 01:38 AM

Women think us guys have it so easy, while they play coy and sit back letting the men come to them.
Oh, are you on this roll again? I thought this debate was settled several threads ago!

TL4everu2

09-10-2011, 02:35 AM

Has not been my experience, at all, in 2 1/2 years of dating.Magdlyn, not to be rude, but your age, may have something to do with that. Guys who are over 45, think differently. And I can't imagine you showing an interest in guys in their early to late 30's. (Which is the age that Kandy usually deals with)

TL4everu2

09-10-2011, 02:38 AM

TL4everu2

09-10-2011, 02:44 AM

Oh, are you on this roll again? I thought this debate was settled several threads ago!Not sure about "settled", but eh...whatever. You may notice that as I get over one full year of rejections, and head into another, the same, tired, gripes come out. Why? Because they have not changed....even though I have. So...Women are, as my wife says, "catty". They will do anything they wish....as long as it is on THEIR terms. And if it isn't on THEIR terms, then it's no go. And fuck anyone who thinks or desires differently. lol

Why women aren't in complete control of the world is beyond me. They have all the pussy, and 1/2 the possessions. So....why are men still in dominant positions in the majority of the work force? We are not really "needed" at all except for procreation. lol

nycindie

09-10-2011, 03:01 AM

They will do anything they wish....as long as it is on THEIR terms. And if it isn't on THEIR terms, then it's no go. And don't you want everything on YOUR terms? And if it's not on your terms, it's a no-go, right?

TL4everu2

09-10-2011, 03:23 AM

And don't you want everything on YOUR terms? And if it's not on your terms, it's a no-go, right?No. It should be an equal effort. There is a give and take. Ebb, and flow.

Look, you have toi give, and in turn, you also get. I give up some...I take some. A person can not simply take...take...take...take. However, what do I know. :rolleyes:

SourGirl

09-10-2011, 03:33 AM

So far, every one who has had the chance/offer, has jumped on the oportunity to go out on a date with Kandy. Even more, offer to "fuck her and give her what he man isn't". :rolleyes:

Reading all of what you have said, yes I agree. Women will outright reject something they do not want. Men will give it a whirl.

Where things change though, is many men will jump into something with both feet, only to pull out when things get deep.*
Has that not been Kandys' experience ? Start getting to know someone, then bam, they are gone ?

Where as women reject things they have already decided doesn't work for them. When they want to try something, they tend to put in the full effort to make something work. Sometimes...to much.

Of course, this is a very general guideline, and I know women who 'jump', and men who out-right reject.
For arguments sake, I can see the generalization.

However, the cynicism will eat you alive, if you let it TL. :(

From a woman`s point of view ; When we go on a date, and see a man THIS cynical, we see 'to much baggage' and move on. The guy can think he is doing a great job of laughing and telling jokes, but the bitterness always seeps out.

You might be missing out on some gals who are 'borderline' on considering opening up, simply because they sense the hostility.

Just this pussys' opinion. Now excuse me, while I take over the world. :p

* - You perverts !

Kealoha

09-10-2011, 03:44 AM

So far, every one who has had the chance/offer, has jumped on the oportunity to go out on a date with Kandy. Even more, offer to "fuck her and give her what he man isn't". :rolleyes:

Excuse me, but in my husband's words, "The only thing this says to me is that you have an awesome wife!"

I haven't done the dating site thing, but I am on some epal n networking type sites n get a ton of messages from people that want only sex...same in a club...but it's not what I want, so who cares how many of those I get? Trash is still trash no matter how much of it there is...and most, after talking a few times try to convince me that they can be everything my man isn't. They want me to leave him, not be in a poly relationship with them, so again...not what I want. I would say out of a hundred offers, 1-3 are interesting to me. Most of the ones I get are just requests for boob shots. Why think I'm having it easier? It just takes me longer to delete this crap. N FYI, I'm 35 n love both older n younger men...the requests are the same. Don't feel depressed, think how lucky the girl you find will be because you will appreciate how rare she is...might want to try not comparing her to your wife though...no one will win there, they won't have the history she has.

Magdlyn

09-10-2011, 10:39 AM

Magdlyn, not to be rude, but your age, may have something to do with that. Guys who are over 45, think differently. And I can't imagine you showing an interest in guys in their early to late 30's. (Which is the age that Kandy usually deals with)

You don't know me at all!

Actually I have dated guys from age 21 to 63. My gf miss pixi is now 34. We've been together since January of '09. My longest term male "lovers" were in their 20s. D and I had a regular thing, he was just shy of 21 when we met and 23 when he moved on last February (against my wishes). Another guy I saw for 7 months was 26 (mutual breakup).

I meet few guys in their 30s. They seem to be the busiest with jobs and raising babies.

Men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s have never worked out for that long. Poly married ones, or single guys, too many issues to commit. Or they bore me to death because they haven't kept growing, just getting older and stagnating since the 1970s.

I haven't even tried to date anyone besides miss pixi since July. I've been taking a break. Too many jerks out there. I feel almost as cynical as you.

vanille

10-26-2011, 11:51 PM

I like the ability to meet people online. Yes it has its downsides.

But I like the idea of having a general sense of a person. Even if it's just a superficial image of them. It helps me weed out the people who I know are not going to be a good personality match (like a religious extremist meeting me, an atheist, would probably not be so great.)

I've met weirdos online. But I've also made real friends that extended from online only, to the real world.

Magdlyn

10-27-2011, 12:06 PM

OMG, just got this msg on okc.

"Call me lets cum together"

No phone number though.

Checked his profile, 53 year old straight guy, 700 miles away.

First thing in his profile says:

I am a Man with traditional values.
A Woman should succumb to me and idolize me.
Stay in the kitchen, cook my meals.
Just shut up and have sex with me whenever I want.
No one wants to hear what you have to say anyways.
Probably a lie or some other "angle".
Am I a scorned lover, not at all !
Woman are only here on earth for one purpose.
Like I said, to serve Man.
Sooo...if you want just sex, hit me up !

I really can't think of any other use for them.

Thank you....

:eek:

nycindie

10-27-2011, 01:35 PM

Gotta be a fake, joke profile!!

nycindie

10-27-2011, 01:49 PM

It helps me weed out the people who I know are not going to be a good personality match (like a religious extremist meeting me, an atheist, would probably not be so great.)

Funny that you say this. I usually look out for fundy Bible thumpers, too. However, I've been seeing my current lover, Lively, since July. We met in a restaurant/bar while having lunch there. If he had a profile online that included most of the basics we usually see in profiles, I probably never would've arranged to meet him. He is a conservative, practicing Catholic (wears a medal, even), and I am an agnostic non-theist, raised Protestant and taught to have a very dim view of Catholicism (funny, my ex was Catholic, too). Lively has very conservative politics, is 17 years my junior, tall and very slender. I would have sought someone closer to my age, liberal (I am liberal/centrist), and with a little more meat on his bones. Plus, I would've been hesitant to start up with anyone who has bipolar disorder, which he has.

Yet, the last few months have been fun, sweet, affectionate, and full of hot sex. He has kept me company when I was lonely, and I have really come to love him in this short amount of time, and hope we will continue to see each other. I could not have predicted nor engineered having someone like him in my life. So, while online dating is great for weeding out "undesirables," it can also make us miss some good and enriching possibilities.

Magdlyn

10-27-2011, 01:56 PM

He is a conservative, practicing Catholic (wears a medal, even)...
Yet, the last few months have been... full of hot sex.

He makes baby Jesus cry.

eternal00e

10-27-2011, 06:20 PM

I would have to agree with Derbylicious' original post about online shopping. Even though in work in IT I kinda miss the old days of meeting people face to face at high school party or just out at the mall. When I'm looking for a relationship I don't want to go about it the same way I would buy clothes on line.

nycindie

10-27-2011, 07:44 PM

Someone just pointed me to this OKC profile. He says he reads it whenever he needs a pick-me-up, and I must say, I could see myself doing the same thing:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hi_i_love_you

nllswing

12-03-2011, 12:02 AM

Sourgirl,

I am commenting on what you wrote on 05-16-2011, 05:50 PM. It is old, but I am not sure if anyone has raised that particular issue yet.

Yes, the last guy wrote you an awkward (to say the least) message. I haven't done like him, but would guess his reasoning. After sending NUMEROUS messages to women and getting no response whatsoever, he might have said "screw it!" and decided to write whatever provocative he could just to provoke a f###ing response!

Sometimes, children crave attention and may go to great lengths to get it. If it takes to harm themselves or do something for which they know that will get punished, they can still to it. Just to finally get that attention.

When adults get put off-balance they tend to behave like children.

hyperskeptic

12-03-2011, 06:02 PM

I've been on OKC for a few months. I had an account back in the spring, under the name hyperskeptic, but I took it down in a fit of pique.

I've received no messages from anyone, but I have received some replies to messages I've sent, most of them at least civil. I currently have one ongoing conversation with someone, a conversation about language, and walking, and birds, and other things. We're both enjoying the exchange, and I'll probably end up asking if she'd like to meet for coffee sometime, with no real expectation of anything other than more conversation.

I'm not all that worried about not getting any messages, and I'm grateful I don't have to put up with the kind of crap women (including my wife) have to put up with on OKC. In fact, I suppose my profile would be off-putting to most people.

That's okay. I don't want to get involved with most people.

Sometimes, I write to someone whose profile catches my eye, even if there is no chance they'd be interested in me, just to acknowledge something they wrote, to thank them for a particular bit of honesty or humor.

I figure that, in the jungle that is OKC, people could use a small dose of civility and human decency.

Just today, I came across the most intriguing and entertaining profile yet: two bi women in a committed relationship want to have a baby, and are looking for what amounts to an "in-person" sperm donor.

Their profile is direct and refreshingly blunt, stating in no uncertain terms what they are NOT looking for.

They make it very clear, for example, that anyone over 40 should not even bother to reply. That rules me out.

(Dang.)

I wrote to them, anyway:

Okay, I'm too old for you (43).

I'm not a candidate.

I don't even expect you to write back.

I just wanted to thank you for the most intriguing and entertaining profile I've ever come across on this accursed site.

It's not often I find myself wishing I was five years younger . . .

All the best to you in your search.

A small gesture, probably pointless, but doing that sort of thing makes me happy.

P.S. My OKC profile is under the name Contrarian42.

nllswing

12-03-2011, 06:24 PM

hyperskeptic,

Somebody should write to this lovely couple of ladies and tell them to talk to a lawyer about child support before posting ads like theirs.

hyperskeptic

12-03-2011, 06:35 PM

hyperskeptic,

Somebody should write to this lovely couple of ladies and tell them to talk to a lawyer about child support before posting ads like theirs.

It did occur to me that the arrangement they propose would have potentially bizarre legal implications, but I didn't bring it up. It's not clear from their profile that they have thought of it themselves but, then, the come across as intelligent and thoughtful enough to have at least considered it.

Perhaps I should write to them again, just to raise the question. Otherwise, it's caveat pater . . .

EDIT: I just wrote a postscript, encouraging them to consult a lawyer, if they haven't already done so, in order to address any possible legal complications up front.

nllswing

12-03-2011, 07:16 PM

That's a good job. Let's hope that they are sincere and are not looking for sucker, hungry for sex.

It did occur to me that the arrangement they propose would have potentially bizarre legal implications, but I didn't bring it up. It's not clear from their profile that they have thought of it themselves but, then, the come across as intelligent and thoughtful enough to have at least considered it.

Perhaps I should write to them again, just to raise the question. Otherwise, it's caveat pater . . .

EDIT: I just wrote a postscript, encouraging them to consult a lawyer, if they haven't already done so, in order to address any possible legal complications up front.

SourGirl

12-05-2011, 03:09 AM

PipeDreamer

12-06-2011, 10:49 PM

That's okay. I don't want to get involved with most people.

Sometimes, I write to someone whose profile catches my eye, even if there is no chance they'd be interested in me, just to acknowledge something they wrote, to thank them for a particular bit of honesty or humor.

I figure that, in the jungle that is OKC, people could use a small dose of civility and human decency.

I agree. I am totally the same way. I even have the civility part in my profile. I wish they would read it though.

I figure, whatever works out with whomever I manage to find, cool! If nothing ever happens, well my wife and I have had some deep conversations about our ideas of how relationships can be and we are all the closer for it. I would be happy with just that.

nycindie

01-14-2012, 06:38 PM

I just had to share the summary of a profile I just came across on OkCupid:

"ABOVE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE , GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, NO OUTSTANDING BILLS,. KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE, FRIENDLY WITH NEIGHBORS, WENT TO GOOD SCHOOLS, KEEP HEALTHY, CREATIVE, LIVED ABROAD FOUR YEARS, FORMER LOVER OF SUPERMODEL"

No outstanding bills, good with his neighbors, a supermodel's ex - what a catch! I would laugh if he weren't a 71-year old man who also says: "I am A GOOD GUY, HANDSOME, and GIFTED-" and that he is really good at "LOVING."

Awww, now I'm just smiling. He's probably really charming in person.

cjmobxnc

01-21-2012, 11:34 PM

This has been an extremely interesting thread to read. I have been to a couple of dating sites, but have decided to just stick with people who I meet through mutual interests. If they can't handle the poly aspect, maybe we can just be good friends.

Magdlyn

01-22-2012, 01:07 PM

Recent IM chat on okc

X:hi

X:hi

me:hi X

X:hi there

X:you wanna get together

me:huh?

X:why huh

me:i dont know you. shouldnt you give me more than that?

X:we are neigbours

me:yes

X:its a starting point

X:do you like younger men

me:some of them

X:great

X:maybe we can get together and see if we have chemistry

me: or maybe we should keep talking

me:and see if we have chemistry

X:are you looking for something serious

me:well, im not looking for something casual. are you?

X:not really

me:did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?

X: pictures

X:i love older women

me: oh well at least youre honest

X:you thought i was not

me:i suggest if you want to get a girl, you read about her interests

me:dont just get horny over her pix

me:sheesh

X:really

me:yes, really

X:how often do you get some action

me:about every day

X:from girls.boys

me:yes

me:both

X:then we need to get together soon

me:why?

X:for some action

me:youre really a phd?

X:yeah

X:why

me:well i am not getting a real brilliant vibe from you

me:"lets get together... some action"

me:really?

X:but we are in a nsa website

me:you like older women, fine

me:why should i like you?

X:because i dont get tired in bed

me:so youre assuming all i want is sex

me:doesnt matter who with

X:but you are in okcupid

me:just some random guy??

me:so?

X:that is the assumption

me:read my profile, if you can read, and get back to me

me:good night

X:i was told its a hooking website

X:but why read it will make a difference

nycindie

01-22-2012, 05:27 PM

X:but we are in a nsa website

...

X:but you are in okcupid

me:just some random guy??

me:so?

X:that is the assumption

...

X:i was told its a hooking website

X:but why read it will make a difference

Oh shit! Most people I talk to have never heard of OKC, but I hate to think that it's perceived to be just for NSA hook-ups!

mgreen1104

01-22-2012, 09:08 PM

Scott

02-01-2012, 09:56 AM

Hey guys :)

Yeah im currently finding the online dating sites depressing. If im not some hot guy with his shirt off on okcupid, no one will give me the time of day. I really do want to go out and meet people, but its a matter of finding the hobbies to do it. I currently am in derby and am a musician but derby doesn't allow me to meet people that I want to know that im poly, and my bands haven't been playing alot of shows latly. I did meet my casual off our yahoo poly group, but I want to find my serious relationship in person, and not at a bar lol

Major cities are beginning to have meetup.com groups that are focused on poly (meetup.com is a site that focuses on getting people to connect online to arrange meeting up in person, usually in a group). I certainly met a fair amount of poly people that way.