View Full Version : Hi...looking for enlightenment
10-06-2009, 10:24 PM
Hi! I have been perusing your forum and found it to be very helpful with my (new) situation. You see, I met a guy, he's fabulous. Before we even really dated he told me he was poly. Not knowing what exactly that meant but knowing that I liked him I did some research and took the plunge anyway. I thought I'd be okay with it and so far, so good. Then he met someone else and although we'd discussed it, and honestly I'd thought about it, it was a little much for my mono-indoctrinated brain to deal with. But being the kind of person who doesn't trash a good thing without research I decided I needed more information. So, I'm here. I found you. I've found your forums very, very helpful as I wrap my brain around this new world I've found myself a part of. I find them friendly and welcoming to those of us seeking enlightenment.
I will have questions, I'm sure, and thank you in advance for any suggestions and guidance you're willing to toss in my direction.
10-06-2009, 10:57 PM
Glad to have you. You are starting journey that my dear Mono started almost a year ago. Read Mono's stuff,,,, we have both been here a long time and have had quite a journey.... evident in our threads and posts... mostly Mono's.
Good luck, I'm sure if it is meant to be it will be and if not, you will of learned a hell of a lot. Enjoy!
10-07-2009, 12:39 AM
Welcome to the forums. Ask away. Hopefully we can help.
10-07-2009, 12:43 AM
10-07-2009, 12:55 AM
Welcome. Thank you for having an open mind, no matter what kind of relationships it may be 'wired' for! :)
10-07-2009, 01:44 AM
Welcome! Happy Reading!
10-07-2009, 02:33 AM
See? And this is why I hooked up with this forum. Thank you very much for your welcomes.
To redpepper - I've already found many of Mono's posts and found them very helpful to answer some of the concerns that I had. "My" guy has been very open to answering any and all questions I've put forth but I think it is always good to get some outside opinions and input (less-biased research). I've already learned a heck of a lot here which has made my decision to approach this whole thing with an open mind much easier. Your posts have also been very helpful for me to understand how he sees the world which is different than I always have.
To HappiestManAlive - thanks, I'm trying. :)
To Quath - I will, thank you for the welcome
To XYZ123 - I'm stealing your quote - it is perfect for the way I already live my life
And to Lovingradiance - your comments to other newbies have been insightful and kind - and are a main reason I am here.
Thank you all, again, for your welcome and support. I'm in the right place. :)
10-07-2009, 03:38 AM
Thank you Novus.
Today is "one of those days" and it is nice to hear that something I've said has made a difference for someone else. I look forward to getting to know you better on here!
Welcome to the board.I know where your at. My wife toldmeon Sept 25 that she was poly.Ive allways thought of my self as monobut Ill tell you what mono poly or just loving, radical honesty and loving communication has changed my life and opened my mind.If you need someone to talk to just send me a message. Good luck:)
10-07-2009, 11:13 PM
Well, since everyone has been so welcoming, may I ask a few questions here to see if I'm forgetting/not considering something?
My situation is thus:
I was doing some online dating and was matched with this guy. We clicked immediately online and e-mailed back and forth for some time before meeting. Our "discussions" ranged widely and it really seemed like a very good match. We graduated to an actual phone call having decided that we needed to meet in person. Before we met in person he told me on the phone that he was poly because our conversations had pushed us pretty far and we were both thinking that when we met in person we were going to click just that much more. He asked me if I knew what that meant and my response was "not really". I think he did a very good job of explaining and I decided that I wanted to meet him anyway. I mean, we hadn't even met yet and my feeling was that even if we were both Mono (I know these terms now ;) ) exclusivity wouldn't likely be on the table anyway. So we met. Oh, yeah...we clicked. Oh...yeah. So things progress much like you would expect and not long ago he very carefully told me that he'd met someone else who he was interested in and would like to spend some time with. He assured me that it had nothing to do with how he felt about me and our relationship but that I needed to know. I had thought about that moment from the first time he told me he was poly. How would I respond? Would I be okay with it? Jealous? Selfish? What? I figured until "that moment" I wouldn't really know and I came down on the side of "okay...let's see what happens". Since then I've had lots of time to think about it and I felt that I needed to give it a lot of serious thought because I didn't want to say "okay" without really thinking it through only to have my devious little brain decide later that it wasn't. That's not fair to him, or me.
So I eventually landed here: he's a truly great guy. Our relationship is one of the happiest and healthiest things I've ever had. My schedule alone is atrocious and precludes us from being together as often as either of us would like. Why would I want someone I truly care for to be lonely when I can't be with him? That seems a little selfish, yes? I figure if I can't be with him then I'd much rather him be with someone (be it another romantic interest or friends) than sitting at home resenting the fact that I can't be with him which likely would end this anyway at some point. Besides, the more happiness and support he has in his life the happier he'll be and I'll just benefit from that, right?
My only concerns were that this new relationship would seriously impact the one that we have already established (and since it's already not enough by default that would be a big, big deal) and two that I ended up being neglected for something "shiny and new". I've been taken for granted frequently in past relationships because I'm just kind of a solid "keeper" and pretty low maintenance.
Some ground rules also seemed in order (and please let me know if I've left something off here). The first and foremost request on my part is that he keep me safe from diseases out there that I don't want. That seemed reasonable. Second, I really don't want details but I do want to know if/when there's someone else. I find that I'm very okay with an amorphous other person but I think for now putting a name and face to her would be a little hard until I'm a little more secure.
Honesty has never been a problem here. He's been very up-front and honest about all of this, even when it might not be in his best interest (like telling me about finding another person BEFORE the evening's events...gotta love that... :) ).
So, I guess this will go where it will go and it, like any other relationship on the planet, will depend on how it is handled by him and by me. As long as he can juggle and make sure that I/we're not neglected then it will most likely end up okay. If not, we'll see where it goes. So far I've been given absolutely no reason to suspect that he doesn't care every bit as stongly for me now as he did before he found this other gal.
So my new friends, confidantes and advisors. What am I not thinking about? What am I missing? Any ground rules I've not thought of that will come back to haunt me?
Thank you in advance.
10-07-2009, 11:45 PM
It sounds like overall you've both done an exemplary job of setting this up in a healthy, sensible manner.
I think making sure you have a plan in place to ensure continued good communication is helpful. It's easy to "get into a rut" when we are busy. We are short on time and sometimes that leads to just running through the motions without taking time to REALLY connect in conversation-that can kill ANY relationship!
I understand you not wanting to "jump the gun" on meeting any "others" but I think I would consider that one more. Maybe that would work for you-but I know for some people this could actually create more problems than it solves. So just consider it some more to be sure you are addressing possible problems it could cause, distance between the two of you, miscommunication, misinterpretations, fears, insecurities etc.
Beyond that-I think you are right on track!
10-08-2009, 12:38 AM
Fortunately communication hasn't been a problem and we've talked about it. I learned that one before and it is excellent advice and a good reminder to those of us living life a little too fast sometimes.
Thanks also for the advice about meeting any others that come along. In this case she's also poly (he met her at a poly meeting, actually) so I know she has no problem with our relationship...but I have to admit that I find it a little intimidating since she already understands this part of him that I'm just now learning about. I've thought about this a lot but have landed on "not yet". I think you're right in that it probably has to do with my insecurities with the situation and I figure that will change some with time. Consider also that he and I have not been together that long - a handful of months, really. That said what we've got together is really great - we both joke that it's just been so EASY and I think because of that I'm not as insecure as I might have been - which has made working through this much easier for me. Well, that and I've always been accepting of where people find love. I love your quote "Love as thou wilt" (Kushiel...I've read them all). I have many gay friends and know one couple in a pretty open type relationship. I just never expected to find myself in anything other than "traditional". But then again, if he was a traditional guy I probably wouldn't like him so much...make sense?
I'm not sure where I'm going with this...so...I will think on your advice about meeting this other gal. I will probably eventually decide to do so - assuming that I am invited to and I probably will if I ask. I know I would like to attend one of his poly meetings and so I would meet her there most likely. He's invited me but I've not been able to get off work yet to attend - but I need to go for a number of reasons. Mostly for more enlightenment...I DO need to work towards understanding this fully if I'm going to make this work (because this is part of who he is) or decide (eventually) not to. I'm almost positive that I've landed in the former but occasionally my traditionally-raised brain says, "what the hell are you thinking? TWO is the right number...TWO..." but that just feels more and more "not right" lately.
So, LovingRadiance, thank you again for your time and feedback. I'm glad that you think that I'm on the right track with my thinking and I appreciate your advice.
10-08-2009, 04:49 AM
I read the whole series as well and LOVED it. I am having a drawing done presently for a tattoo up my back (I have no tattoos at this point). Someday when it's all done I'll post a pic on here.
I have never identified with anyone as well as I identified with phedre.
I hear what you are saying about this WHOLE thing being new-not just the topic but also the primary relationship between you and the boyfriend. That does have a significant impact on what steps to take and when.
I can certainly see taking time to really think through your steps! If you do go to one of the meetings-I'd LOVE to hear about it. We don't have ANY where I live (alaska). :( I'm very curious and interested in going to a few, but I would have to fly to Washington to get to the closest one to where we are.
I look forward to getting to know you better on here. I hope you stick around as a poster!