can a poly love a mono?

[Kraven]

i'm polyamorous....does that mean i have to date other Polyamorous women or should i broaden my horizon? Can i date a mono and still live my lifestyle or am i doomed to resort to like minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so then what has your experience been like?

[LovingRadiance]

i'm polyamorous....does that mean i have to date other Polyamorous women or should i broaden my horizon? Can i date a mono and still live my lifestyle or am i doomed to resort to like minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so then what has your experience been like?

Great question! I love two mono's. The thing is-that you and they must accept that what is needed for you-isn't what is needed for them and vice versa-but yes you can love a mono if you are a poly and a mono can quite certainly love a poly as well. It just requires a great deal of respect, understanding and acceptance of one anothers differences.

[vandalin]

Simply put, yes, a poly can love a mono. That doesn't mean that the mono will accept their love living a poly lifestyle or that they will join into a poly family (as I am learning the hard way) but basically a V relationship is just that, one poly with two mono's otherwise it becomes a W or a tangle or some other form.

If you want to have a truly poly relationship and a truly healthy relationship then you will have to at least have your partners', whether mono or poly, acceptance of your poly ways.

And if you've read any of the forum you may have noticed that Redpepper loves a mono man, MonoV in fact.

[redpepper]

Are you serious! Have you read anything on this forum???:p

Of course you can....

Not without tons of work, but then poly is work anyway.

[Ceoli]

Is it just me or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals or two different gangs or something like that? The Poly's vs. The Mono's.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)

[LovingRadiance]

Is it just me or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals or two different gangs or something like that? The Poly's vs. The Mono's.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)

In a way it does Ceoli-but so does primary, secondary etc. The thing is-words are just pictures that describe what we are talking about. For some people it's more than just how they have a relationship, it's more than even just a lifestyle, it's how they define themselves.
My "second" (another description that makes me ill) doesn't just live a mono relationship. He is in love with one person, not even one person at a time, just flat one person. Since he was 17 years old he's been in love with one person. His heart is wired for only one person ever.

Now for me that concept isn't just "foreign" it's so completely impossible it's like someone telling me that ET really landed and is waiting on my doorstep to come in! But for him the fact that I can and do love him and my husband and my ex girlfriend deeply and permantently.... that isn't just a foreign concept for him, it's impossible for him.

So sometimes those words help us understand instrinsic parts of a person that without being close to them we otherwise wouldn't comprehend at all and even with the words we only grasp peripherally.

[Ceoli]

(LR, I was being tongue in cheek with what I posted, meaning I wasn't being terribly serious about it. :) ) There are all sorts of conversations that have been had and to be had about the relationships that exist between our identities and our lifestyles and everything in between, I get that. I was just remarking about how funny it sounded in general, that's all.

[LovingRadiance]

Sorry Ceoli! I have issues getting nuances in text at times! But I wasn't offended. :)

I've really enjoyed the last week of reading your posts. Feel like I'm really learning a lot!

[maca]

I am totally new to this understanding of my life as it stands(meaning I really didnt have a definetion of how my relationship functions).My wife is a poly she loves many ppl at the same time some near to us some very distant.I have allways considered myself mono.Once I REALLY accepted my wife for who she is and has to be in order to be true to herself.I realised I was only scared and I worried about how I would look to outside ppl.

Seeing her grow and thrive seeing her become a joy to the world, I mean wow it blows my mind,Forces me to look at love in a whole new light.

So.. to give my opinon I think a poly can love a mono and visaversa but all involved need to understand and accept the others. If they can do that REALLY do that then anything is possible.

[MonoVCPHG]

I hope so :eek:

Sustainability is the bigger question...can a poly exist healthily in love with a mono and vice a versa for a long time....That is question! And yes, I intend to answer it!!

But that's the only question I am answering....I am mono afterall, one at a time for this cracker!! :)

[MonoVCPHG]

In referance to your original question though, Kraven. I think polies would do better to stick with polies and monos with monos. I feel it is rare for the union to work and it is a mountain of work!! But if you get there...WOW!!

[HappiestManAlive]

Amen to the work - and the WOW. :)

[moonandstars]

I am quite interested in this distininction between mono and poly. Since I am quite new to this whole concept of poly (my husband brought it into our marriage), and i would consider myself mono so far.

some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) or educational/societal conditioning, that is very hard or almost impossible to be undone?

some say it is a decision the way you want to live your relationship.So it means that anyone (openminded and courageous enough) can live it. I can see both possibilities. so far i haven't figured it out for me,, where being/living one or the other way comes from. All i can say, my husband does love me, and I am rather mono, whereas he has recently found out that he has a rather poly way of loving people and building relationship.
I can also say that is an LOT of work for both sides. And it is important that the polypartner does that work as well, even though it feels that poly is so natural to him/her. The accompanying and giving space to the monopartners fears and worries is a very importan point, in mho.
A crucial point in the beginning might (was for us at least) be that the monopartner's worries might threaten one of the relationship. they might be understood as - "if she/he worries about all this, this might mean that he/she wants me to give up the other relationship". And it is obvious that if you love somone and you are about to build a relationship this kind of worry is a sort of threat to the other relationship. In these circumstances it is very hard for the polypartern to REALLY listen the monopartners worries etc. At least for us beginners this was an understanding that helped calm some discussions.

[MonoVCPHG]

some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) .

For me, being wired mono or poly is as natural as being gay or straight. It's a black or white thing for me..biological for sure. But this is me. Others are conditioned.
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.

[MonoVCPHG]

The question of mono poly relationships is so broad really. A poly relationship may be continually open to new relationships creating a very fluid dynamic. Other poly relationships may be very closed consisting of three or four people who are committed in a polyfidelous union.

Some dynamics will be more challenging for mono natures to accept and for poly natures to be healthy in. The key is to determine if the relationship is worth getting through the initial work in order to achieve positivity in every one's life and heart.

Drop the labels if you want and just accept that everyone of us is an individual. Every relationship will be shaped according to many aspects of each individual.

[redpepper]

check out Mono's threads and posts from the early days... he wrote a lot and discovered a lot during that time that might help in your quest for your truth.

[moonandstars]

It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.


proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??

[MonoVCPHG]

proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??

You missed my point..."for me"..not for anyone else..."for me". It's been proven through my life experiences and relationships. Although there is a study on mice that River mentioned which was interesting and pointed to a genetic link to mono and poly natures.

Whether you are wired a certain way, conditioned a certain way, or whatever, it comes down to you as an individual. People aren't that simple internally.

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyways? What are you really looking for?

[vandalin]

proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??

He meant for himself it was proven...just for himself. Not implying that this is how it has to be for others.

[LovingRadiance]

moon-

some people (like me) just know they are poly and operate that way from early childhood. I always loved more than one person and regularly dated in twos and threes.

Other people (like my boyfriend) are flat out mono. They never fall for more than one person at a time, and in his case- really only one person EVER in their life. He's not even one who loves one person at a time, but one person period. He's been in love with me since he was 17 years old.

still others are like my dear husband who were taught that monogomy is the RIGHT way to be during marriage and that any experience with more than one person needed to be had prior to saying "I do". He has poly "tendencies" and can be happy and enjoy sexual experiences in controlled group situations, he can love more than one person to a degree but he's conditioned for a monogomous relationship.

My boyfriend-he's not likely to change, like Mono on here-he doesn't see the point. He would rather be alone than try to be with someone else.

I am not likely to change either-despite trying, I simply DO love more than one person at a time and when I try to block the emotions for one, what I accomplish is simply shutting down all of my emotions across the board.

My husband-well he flip/flops. He MUST have security that he IS loved and that no one is going to leave him. He CAN be happy in a monogomous relationship but he also can enjoy having more then one relationship. So it's really a matter of ensuring that he's TREATED right, his needs are met and that he's happy-not what type of relationship it is.

Does that make sense at all??

I think you are asking "is it this or this" and the answer is, it is both. Some people are wired one way or another and some people are trained to be one way or the other.

[NeonKaos]

I'm going to settle this once and for all, so pay attention because I'm not repeating myself:

People who are "wired mono" CANNOT and DO NOT feel the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time.

People who are simply "conditioned mono" CAN feel (but not necessarily DO FEEL) the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time but for whatever reason(s), they refrain from ACTING on the feeling.

How anyone can read and understand English and fail to grasp these two concepts as explained above is lost on me.

That is all.

[moonandstars]

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyways? What are you really looking for?

Of course it doesn't change my life and behaviour with or without scientific proof. But it can help understand. so tthat might answer your question. i am trying to understand something very new for me. thanks for the insights.

[secondchance]

I'm sure it's possible for a poly to love and be in a relationship with a mono, but it would take alot more work than if both were poly. The monopartner would have to be okay with you being involved with others... If you are going to try to make it work, stay honest and open.

The first mono I was in love with, I got into the relationship when I was a bit younger and convinced myself I could be happy in a strictly monogamous relationship... I've been keeping alot of feelings to myself and now here I am almost ten years later at the end of this same relationship. If I had stayed true to my beliefs at the beginning, I wouldn't be about to lose someone I really do love. Don't try to change for someone because it will only end up hurting both of you.

[MonoVCPHG]

The monopartner would have to be okay with you being involved with others... .

This comes down to some dynamics being more possible than others. Not all poly relationships are continually open..hence the term polyfidelous. A mono, such as myself is comfortable in this type of dynamic.

The poly person would also have to be prepared to not follow every relationship "whim" they may feel and weigh the options of what people in thier life offer.

It's a two way street but one with challenges to everyone involved.

[secondchance]

Good point. But even if a relationship wasn't continually open, it seems like many monos would have a hard time dealing with their partner being with even one other. You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship from what I've read, but some people such as my current partner would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.

[MonoVCPHG]

You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship from what I've read, but some people such as my current partner would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.

I get that Secondchance...you're absolutely right! I somtimes forget that it was a very specific thing I came into. Basically the stars seemed to have aligned for this mono poly union of mine to have developed :)

Take care and definitely stay true to yourself :)

[Nzlovergirl]

I really just wanted to second the ' Stay true to yourself' comment, mainly because thats something thats been stuck in my head for the last few days myself!

When my husband brought up the idea of open relationship a few years ago, I liked the idea. Him and I had been swingers for a few years, and decided that that wasnt what we wanted from life. He then met a wonderful couple and he started dating the female of the couple. After I met her hubby I started seeing him, hence we had a working quad going on.

It was hard at first but after alot of communication and open ness we worked through it and I now definately associate myself strongly as poly.

Now, here is my point: Im dating a guy now who identifies as 'mono'. He wants me for himself, he's admitted it. But he knows that this could never be the best thing for me, even if I wasnt married. I simply do not know how to love only one person and he feels this makes it hard, but he is coming to terms with this.

Yes, its been very hard and there have been fleeting moments where I wished with all my heart that I could be that for him. But i must remember:

Stay true to who I am and know that that is part of me.

Our relationship is still very new and we have decided that yes, even though a mono loving a poly and vice versa is hard at the end of the day: I love him and he loves me. Thats what matters to us.

[LScribbens]

Yes, a poly can love a mono and a mono can love a poly. The real issue is: Can the mono ever fully accept the poly's relationship style.

Poly is hard enough between all poly people, but adding someone with a monogamist mindset can be downright difficult if not impossible sometimes. Mainly because many times a mono person will want the poly to be mono and they either consciously or unconsciously try to turn the poly person to mono with them. They can't help it, it's how they are hardwired.

Some mono's will think in the back of their mind that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that they the mono person will become poly for them once they are in a relationship.

Then there is jealousy. Jealousy exists in poly's who are open relationship-minded, and exists to the umpteenth degree amongst many monogamist-minded individuals. Expect that they will be jealous of your other partner(s).

So yes, it is possible, but in my experience it will require more work and more patience than simply sticking to poly-minded people to have a poly relationship with. So be prepared if you pursue a mono person to be in a relationship with.

[lola]

Not having read the replies yet, Yes...I am deeply in love with my Mono husband. I would not sacrifice that relationship for anything. He loves me enough to allow me to pursue my Poly nature. I will not say that this is easy, but it takes a special Mono person to deal with Polyamory.

You are already living the Poly life, so meeting a monogamous person who will accept that off the bat might not be the easiest thing in the world, but they do exist and have their own special challenges.

When you're in love with someone, their "orientation" shouldn't matter, but we all know from experience of some kind that it can be an issue. I didn't realize I was Poly until well into this Mono marriage. You're starting out knowing and having to be honest with that to whomever it is that you decide to be with. You might find that your person of interest may reject you at first, the idea being "repulsive" but given some time and space to think, there are certainly some monogamous people out there who can accept this.

We're still working out the kinks. But love is a precious gift and worth every effort...whether you find poly or mono partners.

[MonoVCPHG]

Some mono's will think in the back of their mind that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that they the mono person will become poly for them once they are in a relationship..

Very good point LS.

I'm sure this does occur often in these situations.
It's about achieving abjectives in my opinion. The mono person may see the objective to "convert" the poly person so they will have them all to themselves. The poly person may want to gain more freedom in pursuing other relationships by encouraging the mono to pursue poly and thus "converting" them.

I wouldn't want Redpepper to be mono because it would hurt her husband and family dynamic. I don't believe she would want me to be poly because it would take away some of the attributes she enjoys in our relationship.

To aproach a relationship with the expectations of shaping your partner in any way (not just related to mono/poly) is the wrong footing IMO.

[Ceoli]

The poly person would also have to be prepared to not follow every relationship "whim" they may feel and weigh the options of what people in thier life offer.

Most poly people I know practice this in their relationships regardless of whether they're partnering with poly people or mono people.

[MonoVCPHG]

Most poly people I know practice this in their relationships regardless of whether they're partnering with poly people or mono people.

The use of the term "whim" was probably a little light hearted in this. Although I do see this generally in the less long term, less "building a lasting family dynamic" application of poly. It is not the norm in mature relationships for sure.