View Full Version : Not sure if its the right choice for us...
04-14-2011, 09:51 PM
Hi! :) Where to start..? lol My bf and I have both been married 4 times.. we are great together. Like nothing before. He has brought me out of myself. Its a whole new experience. Neither of us has ever tried poly.. but we have been talking about it. I want to make sure we have a strong relationship before we even embark on something like that. I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works. He wants to make things easier around the house on me.. so she would live with us. But, I am afraid I would have trouble "sharing" lol Is this something that will work its way out... something we should definitely wait on until we ARE stronger? I just dont want to blow this one. I understood where Stargazer23 was coming from... I felt that way in my marriages, but I havent yet felt that way with my bf. Im just thinking right now.. and throwing out my doubts and concerns. I can see the good in it, but I can see the bad.. from my pov. Ya'll are great.. Thanks for listening to me babble.. Will write more later. Laptop is dying! lol
04-14-2011, 10:31 PM
Hullo and welcome!
He wants to make things easier around the house on me.. so she would live with us.
Sorry, but this was a big red flag for me. What if the woman of your collective dreams is a total slob and anti-housework? Why is importing another woman into your home necessary for you to have it easier, i.e. why can't he step up himself?
I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works. But, I am afraid I would have trouble "sharing"
If you are, how should I put it, mildly bi-curious, then the odds of finding a woman you both will connect with sexually and emotionally decrease dramatically from 'not-that-great' to 'abysmal'. What is the motivation behind you considering poly? Do you only want to date single bi women as a couple (sometimes referred to as unicorn-hunting), or are you thinking of maybe getting another bf at some point?
Jealousy doesn't go away if you are both banging the same lady. Connections happen at different times, on different levels and between different people. It is more often seeing two people connect in a way that excludes you, or suspecting they might connect in a way that excludes you, that releases the green-eyed monster. Thus some folks are perfectly okay with casual sex outside of the pair bond but not comfortable with poly. Connections cannot be forced. If he wants another girlfriend why not let him pursue that and explore your own desires on your own?
04-15-2011, 03:43 AM
It sounds like you are looking for a unicorn. Try doing a tag search for "unicorns" and "secondary" see what comes up. Your idea of what poly is thee most common. A lot of couples think poly would be a great idea if only they can find a woman that will agree to commit to them as a couple and be just with them, and not only that, help out and be secondary to the primary woman in the relationship... and not date anyone else. I'm not saying that you require her to fit the bill on all these point, but just saying that this is the most common idea of what poly could be.
Thing is that it rarely happens that way. There is almost never a woman that would be interested in this situation; because it is daunting and a lot of work to understand and relate to a couple that has already solidified their relationship; because they think it is fun sexually and even feel some love for both at the same time at the beginning, but when the novelty wears off they find they love only one. The "triad" breaks into a "vee," jealousy and reigns supreme and often the secondary woman is dumped because the couple find that their primary relationship is falling apart.
I would suggest looking at what it is that makes you think you would not want to share. Find our if you like women by dating some. Find a way to maintain your own independence and then go about the task of letting go of you partner so that they might find others to find love with also... this brings it back to you tenfold usually. You also could find love and bring it back to him tenfold. If you find community to be involved with you might make some friends and who knows, you might find a love that you both could share, but by seeking it out of thin air will likely be very difficult and frustrating.
I don't mean to put a downer on it all, just giving you some facts. Really if you do some reading then you will find that there is much more to it than meets the eye... others have ideas too and some here are in triads... perhaps they will chime in with how that all got started for them.
04-15-2011, 04:00 AM
It's always good if you know for sure what you and your bf are ok with now. If that is a shared partner go with it. It's not the easiest thing to find but it will get you talking more and talking is important. Explore where your jealousies are coming from. Look for the root cause and see what you can do about addressing it.
Also there isn't any rush to move a new partner in. It might be an eventual goal but wait until the NRE has worn off before you even think of doing it. Also before you do anything as big as all moving in together there has to be a lot of talking about expectations and boundaries with all of you.
A lot of us started out unicorn hunting. It really isn't unusual at all. Some have even had it work for them. Please don't get sexually involved with someone your partner is interested in just to make that happen though if you don't feel the attraction. In the long run poly isn't just about getting your jollies or fulfilling your partners fantasies of two women.
04-15-2011, 07:04 AM
Let me get this straight. Neither of you has ever tried polyamory, but you're talking about it and the first way he wants to go about it is to move another woman in with you both, to fuck and be there to help you around the house? Do you see how crazy that sounds? (besides the fact that it sounds like you do all the work around the house. I agree with BU - why isn't he the one to help you? He lives there, too?)
Remember the person you would want to bring in is just that... a PERSON! With feelings, preferences, intellect, desires, and a history. In other words not to be used like an object or a slave.
Also, polyamory does not always mean all people involved must live together. Why would you start with that dynamic, when you've never been in a polyamorous situation before? That would be like going from zero to 100 mph in one second.
Here's what you do: Keep talking, read up about it (plenty of good books on poly are recommended on one of the stickies in this forum), and then hire a housekeeper.
04-15-2011, 10:19 AM
If you find community to be involved with you might make some friends and who knows, you might find a love that you both could share, but by seeking it out of thin air will likely be very difficult and frustrating.
...others have ideas too and some here are in triads... perhaps they will chime in with how that all got started for them.
Yep, happened through our local poly community for me.
...and then hire a housekeeper.
04-15-2011, 12:40 PM
I didn't mean to give the wrong impression... I truly wasn't finished with all I wanted to say on the subject.. just voicing my misgivings on the subject of individual sex apart from one another. She would not just be there to help. Of course she would be a part of our lives. I have a dear friend, Ronnie, of 20 years whom I love dearly. She has always wanted me to have a committed relationship with her and, preferably, a polyamorous one, but we never agreed on a man to do this with. She and I are sexually compatible also. I was very surprised the first time that Peter brought up the subject, as we were talking about how the government sticks their nose into people's sexual and personal lives and its none of their business. But then we started talking in a more serious way. Ronnie needs help also, both emotionally and physically, as she works and tries to raise her grandchild on her own.
My jealousy stems from being cheated on by my husbands while I remained faithful even though I wanted to jump headlong into a relationship with two men I was in love with while I was married. I know exactly where it comes from. Lies, manipulation, distrust.
Peter has never given me a reason to be jealous. He helps around the house more than anyone Ive ever been with and works his ass off in the meantime. I dont even feel right when he DOES help bc he works 16-18 a day. And still gives me his undivided attention. It is just the two of us and my daughter, who is 17.. she has her life and she loves him too. She is ecstatic to see her mom happy for once.
Peter, Ronnie, and I have talked about our expectations... and we all want the same thing... a king size bed to share. We all work, we all contribute, we all support each other in our emotional lives and comforts... I guess I have had my unicorn for 20 years.. lol If it didn't work, she would still be a part of our lives... she is my love for life and throughout many past lives. We are all intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally compatible. I believe the three of us could make a go of it.
When I wrote the first post, I hadnt spoken to her yet.. so I was thinking in broader terms.. just as a lifestyle in general. But after talking to both of them last night for hours.. its possible. But I think I would be the primary and Im not sure if Peter was thinking of that when he brought it up... hence another issue arises. lol
04-15-2011, 12:54 PM
Good to have you back and hear the full story!
Are you looking into a vee or a triad at this point? How does Ronnie feel about Peter and Peter about Ronnie?
04-15-2011, 01:04 PM
Thats the kicker... they have heard about each other.. truthfully and openly.. and seen pictures.. but Peter and I live in GA and she is in Missouri. Of course, they will meet before anything is set in motion, but each likes what they know. They are going to talk on the phone soon and get to know each other more until we can get up there so they can spend time together. It is not going to be a fast process. We are not just going to jump in blindly. I want them to love each other as I love them both.
We did toss around he and I moving up there and living in her basement apartment so they could get to know each other without commitment. That way there would be no expectations and I could still be there to help her. We could find work there easily and Peter would do anything for me.
Ya'lls questions keep me thinking, and I'm glad. Thank you all for your input. You are helping more than you know!
04-15-2011, 01:28 PM
I want them to love each other as I love them both.
We did toss around he and I moving up there and living in her basement apartment so they could get to know each other without commitment.
Hmm, what do you mean by 'they can get to know each other without commitment'? To me, changing states/cities to be with someone is a HUGE commitment already! It means losing contacts both professionally and socially that might not be available or easy to find somewhere else. And although I gather the two of don't have children living with you, what about her grandchildren? Have you considered that children get attached easily and might not adjust well to swift changes in living composition?
Ronnie, it seems, wants you and is okay with getting Peter in the deal. Peter wants you to be happy. You would be at your happiest, I assume, with them both. However, is the plan for Peter and Ronnie to be romantically and sexually involved also?
Would you experience equal tenderness and joy (compersion) if Peter would have someone he loves that is neither you or Ronnie? Maybe a Z situation where you would all live in close proximity as a quad with you and Ronnie being a couple, you and Peter as a couple, and then Peter with a gf of his own who isn't involved with neither you nor Ronnie? I'm just saying that the potential for having a happy functional poly family increase exponentially when you are willing to compromise on the exact structure.
04-15-2011, 02:40 PM
Okay, now I would suggest the tag search of "moving" and "metamours"
It sounds like you could have a workable "vee" not a "triad." At least at this point. I would have her visit. See how you get along, start something in terms of a partnership from where she is, encourage the building of a metamour relationship between you partners and see how it goes.
After a time she could move closer to you. She would be better off establishing her own life on her own with a dose of you in there. This is healthier I believe. In poly, independence is crucial it seems as quite often people are on there own for periods of time.
The king size bed might be nice, but at this point, she doesn't know him and that is a lot of pressure for her. What you are saying is, "ya, you can be my partner, but only if you are with my boyfriend too." You might love him and enjoy that fantasy as does he, but it sounds like an ultimatum to me. She might even agree because she wants to be near you and it could be cool, but build up to it. That is just far too big of an assumption that it will work I would think.
Do some reading around here to get a sense of what tends to work for people and has a success rate. You will find your own way, but at least you will have an idea of what to expect.
04-15-2011, 03:47 PM
He doesn't want to go outside of the relationship. He stated rather emphatically that he wants to go with a committed relationship between he, I, and another woman. I spoke to my friend about it bc I knew her desires and she and I already have a connection, but it has to work for all of us. I do not want to put her in harms way... by that I mean setting her up for a broken heart. She and I have been through thick and thin together and I do not want anything coming between us. She, her husband (now ex), and I had gotten together on occasion b/c she trusted me. He wanted it and she knew I would not cross any lines. Rules were set and abided by. Not that she had to worry lol She has always come first. None of my husbands ever asked.. they just went out and found strange.. lol
Anyway, I am just very confused right now and have a lot of thinking to do still.
04-15-2011, 04:07 PM
Thank you, RedPepper.. I didn't really think of it that way. She is generally very open and honest with me. I've never known her to hold back, but if she wants this bad enough, she may well be doing just that. She will not move. Her home is paid for. That is why Peter and I said we would be willing to move up there. We have nothing holding us here. There are no jobs to be had and our kids are grown. We can find housing up there and do the same thing. She has been asking me to move up there for years to help her and just to be closer to her, as friends. We can go from there. You are all giving me a lot of food for thought and I really appreciate it. It is raising questions I didn't even think of.
04-15-2011, 04:52 PM
OP, you are giving out an awful lot of personal information in your posts.
I just want to remind you and anyone else who is readihng that you have 12 hours to edit your posts and after that the moderators will not delete something just because you are afraid someone you know will read it and recognize you.
04-15-2011, 05:45 PM
I'm not using real names and states are mighty big places.. but I do appreciate the words of warning. I have just never been on this end.. and I am not sure how I feel about it. Like Ronnie.. I tend to want to turn to someone I know and trust. I am not sure this is a lifestyle for me because of this. <Sigh>
04-16-2011, 01:14 PM
Talk talk talk over and over again, to the point of boredom and beyond, about what would it mean for each of you to live together, romantically, sexually and emotionally involved all the three of you in a triad formation, and what if the dynamics eventually start to resemble a vee more. I agree with RP, visits and weekend sleep-overs are the way to go before making permanent moves.
Is Peter (pseudonym) still moving with you if he and Ronnie (pseudonym) will not be involved in the same way as you and Ronnie (already) are?
04-17-2011, 04:07 PM
............. I want to make sure we have a strong relationship before we even embark on something like that. I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works.
Well, I'm a late comer to this thread so if I say something already said - spank me for being too lazy to read.
All I'm going to touch on is the above quote.
You need to answer the question HONESTLY for yourself about WHY you being there would be different than you NOT being involved.
Once you have the truthful answer to that you'll understand more of your true personality and insecurities.
Because it shouldn't matter !