The Yellow House

[ray]

When I was little, I had a dream about this house. It was big and yellow with hardwood floors. There were lots of windows and it was always a place of calm and beauty. As I've gotten older, I feel like I've missed the mark in terms of what I always wanted out of life.

I'm currently working through a nasty break up and while it was devastating, it's provided me the perfect opportunity to rebuild all the things that aren't working for me. For the last month or so, I'd been seriously depressed to the point of feeling like there was no way to create the future I want. Last week, I had a total meltdown and a few of my friends spent the night talking me out of my hopelessness. The last week has gone by so slowly but I'm starting to function more normally and feel optimistic about the future.

Just knowing that people really cared about what happens to me was huge! They've been so supportive, checking in with me and encouraging me to get back into the stuff I love. I've been training martial arts more and I had really missed it! I reconnected with my teacher and told her how depressed I'd been and about my melt down.

As much as I'm still heartbroken, part of me feels like I was set free. Free to enjoy friendships with whomever I please and free to find relationships that don't make me feel like I have to hold back.

[LovingRadiance]

My 3 year old has been talking about buying a yellow house for a year now. :)

I'm glad you are looking at the positive side of your heartbreaking circumstances.

[Hannahfluke]

Ray,

I'm really sorry things have gotten worse for you. I'm glad that you have been able to go back to training. I'm also thrilled that your friends are showing you that they are YOUR friends, not just because they are O's friends who tolerate you hanging around because of O.

If you'd like to get together again for coffee, just let me know. I enjoyed talking with you and would love to do it again.

[ray]

@ LR - your son sounds like a smart one. :) Yeah, it's nice to emerge from the fog at last.

@ Hannahfluke - Thanks! I'd love to get together again. I'll PM you. :)

At the beginning of this week, I got so excited to train that I think I overdid it. :o Right now, I'm very, very sore. All those random muscles I haven't used it awhile. On Wednesday, I worked with a different guy who does MMA and we had a great time. He was great to train with! I feel like a learned a lot. We did some groundwork but didn't think about the fact that we were on carpet. :rolleyes: So, I have some rug burn. Lol. I had Tylenol for dessert tonight. I'm also thinking about checking out Kali, which is a Filipino weapons-based art.

Today, I was waiting for class and I got lost in a train of thought about O. I still feel so vulnerable and hurt about what happened I'm glad that I decided to cut off contact for awhile. It's allowed me to get stable and start letting go. I'm really nervous about reintegrating him back into things. Given how training works, I can't avoid him forever. Given how he acted, I don't trust him and he tends to be rather manipulative. So I'm thinking that when I return to training where he is present that it's best if we only interact as absolutely necessary. I'm just getting to a point where I can say, I don't need him to accomplish my goals or be happy in life. I don't want him to swoop in and destroy that.

For so many years, I've tried so hard to be capable and independent but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing. There's all this aspects of me that feel not in control and afraid and uncertain. I've been working on trying to establish some internal leadership(?). As much as this has been a rough process, I'm glad that I'm working on this now as opposed to 20 years in the future.

Things have been trending up ever since my breakdown. Maybe it was what I needed to jump start recovery. Like, I'm still down a lot but I feel like life is worth living and there are things to look forward too. And I know that people care. That is probably the most important thing. I'm kind of glad I did break down, otherwise I'd probably still be isolating myself and feeling incredibly miserable.

This weekend, I have a couchsurfer coming. He's staying for three nights, so I hope he's an interesting person. Otherwise it will be a very interesting weekend. ;)

[nycindie]

Today, I was waiting for class and I got lost in a train of thought about O. I still feel so vulnerable and hurt about what happened I'm glad that I decided to cut off contact for awhile. It's allowed me to get stable and start letting go. . . . I'm thinking that when I return to training where he is present that it's best if we only interact as absolutely necessary. I'm just getting to a point where I can say, I don't need him to accomplish my goals or be happy in life. I don't want him to swoop in and destroy that. Okay, erase from your mind that he even has one iota of power that he could possibly knock you off your center. Don't let him have that much authority in your life. If you continue to do what you need to do to heal and gain strength, making decisions to take care of you, finding your freedom, he won't be able to swoop in and destroy anything. Sure, you may have to set up some boundaries, but you don't have to hide out or harbor fears of him getting to you. It sounds like you are on your way.

For so many years, I've tried so hard to be capable and independent but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Amen, sister. I'll let you in on a secret. Nobody knows what the fuck we're doing, really. We just get good at the stuff we practice, just like your training. So, with each relationship, you get to know yourself more, and learn how to communicate, but we all have doubts about doing it right (doing relationships right, doing life right, whatever) at some point or another. Does that mean our doubts about ourselves are true? Nah. Just keep moving and being kind to yourself, finding solace in your friendships, and know you're doing great.

:D

[ray]

@ Indie - :) Thanks, I'm working on the boundaries part. It's much easier when he's not around. In a few weeks, though I'll have to start seeing him again. I know it'll be harder then. He's pretty manipulative and he knows my weaknesses. I keep imagining Gandalf in the scene in Moria. Where he's like Yoouuu shall not passsss! lol I just wish I had a cool staff and could make him fall into a giant abyss where we then do great battle. And I win.

The last day or two has been tough. I have been missing him and who I thought he was. Just blue and down. No matter how many things I can list about how he's kind of an asshole or the relationship wasn't working, I'm still in love with him. This morning I'm feeling a little better. The couch surfer is pretty cool, we had a good conversation last night about health, food and various other issues in the world. And a marion berry pie. My dinner last night was tater tots and pie. Definitely comfort food.

And I found out this morning that my therapist is going out of town for awhile. (eek) So today we're going to make arrangements for me. I don't know how long she's going to be gone. I'm hoping it's not more than a few weeks. I get the feeling that I'm higher on the list of her patient in terms of being high-risk. She tends to do more counseling orientated helping people find themselves as opposed to more clinical stuff. Guess that makes me high maintenance. ;)

On top of everything, it's the end of the semester so I've got a lot of school work to do. And while I was super-depressed and suicidal, I didn't do much homework, so I'm very behind. I'll be glad when the semester is over. I think I finish up at the beginning of May, almost there! And I really need to clean my room. I spent about 10 minutes picking some stuff up. I don't think I've bothered to pick up anything in almost 2 months. It'd be nice if I could push pause on life while I catch up. :)

Next weekend, there might be an orange belt test for two women that I train with and I feel like I really want to be there to support them. Not a lot of women test and so it's an important occasion. But I know that O will be there and I'm not sure I'm ready to jump that hurdle yet. I just feel bad letting R and D down but they don't know about the relationship. Hmmmmm...

I think I'm going to buy sneakers today. I have wrestling shoes for training and skate shoes that are kind of sneakers but they're not good for running. I'm thinking I'll get Aesics. Now I just have to figure out what store to go to. Then I can go to the gym and have something to workout with if I want to train there or work the heavy bag or something.

[nycindie]

My dinner last night was tater tots and pie. Definitely comfort food.
Yum!!!

[ray]

I just can't shake my sadness and pain from the breakup since wednesday or so. I'll feel better for a few hours if I'm with friends or doing something but if I let myself into how I really feel, I usually just end up sobbing.

This morning I went to church with some friends and I don't really know exactly what I believe any more but I do like the pastor of the church. He typically has intelligent and insightful things to say. And he talked about acting out of compassion rather than revenge when we're wronged. I can definitely get on board with the "I don't need to punish him because eventually his karma will bite him in the ass" but I don't feel any kind of compassion for him. Just anger and hurt. Maybe in time...

I'm going to one of my favorite ever yoga classes tonight (Deep Flow). It's got a great teacher and it's very challenging so I'm sure that I'll be sore tomorrow. And a few days after that. :) I'm so out of shape. I know I'll get back to where I want to be soon but it's always a bit painful getting back on track. I think I'm going to start running occasionally. I got new running sneakers and it feels like running on air. I love the new shoe feeling before the soles get all worn out and hard. And they're even stylish looking! Not to mention a great price.

Anyway, off to yoga with me!

[Mohegan]

I feel for you. Karma is going through much of the same emotions at the moment. Good while with friends, but back to a mass of emotion when alone. I don't have any words of wisdom, other than it does get better with time. I just wanted to let you know I was thinkin of you.

[ray]

@ Mohegan - Yeah, I've been trying to take some solace in the eventually time healing factor. :) It certainly doesn't feel like it most days. Although, I guess I do feel better than a did a few weeks ago, so there's progress.

Sunday's yoga class lifted my mood considerably. The teacher always gives an opportunity to set a goal or intention at the beginning of class. It's something you try to carry through out the class and then remember that it can continue beyond. I decided to focus on extending compassion to myself. It ended up being a very moving and comforting experience. Just accepting myself and my emotions where they are. And knowing that it is ok to feel pain and loss. Or to be scared. And it's a physically challenging class so it feels good knowing that I worked hard and what not.

Three days a week, people from my martial art meet at a friend's garage for conditioning/extra training. For a long time, it's been an important aspect of my social life. O started this and he kind of is in charge but he doesn't have to to be there for it to go on. And he refused to give up any of the days so that, even temporarily, so that I could come and train with my friends as well. It's a small, social setting and I don't feel okay being there with him but I really miss it. I stopped by as things were winding down after he'd left today. And it was good to be there but I felt so sad knowing that I feel shut out of something that I cared deeply about.

That's one of the things about this break up that's been very difficult. My primary support system was O, his friends and Krav Maga friends. And after we broke up, I essentially got cut off of the majority of my support system. At this point a few people have been working clandestinely with me to support me. I have greatly appreciated all they've done and are doing but I still feel like I'm left out or because I can't be okay around O (decided by me and my therapist) I'm unable to be a part of the things that were always there for me. I just don't see any good solutions for the time being.

I also feel that O is being incredibly hypocritical. He's a mentor to a lot of people in Krav Maga and most everyone looks up to him. He hasn't taken responsibility for his actions or even apologized to me in person. He claims that I was endangering his Krav Maga career when he frequently acted with absolutely no discretion. I just found out that one of our friends saw us making out on a street corner near his house while we were dating. O constantly initiated that kind of behavior in public and around the people we train with. And somehow I was supposed to magically assume that keeping it an actual secret was of the utmost importance? I was always thought it was a wink wink nudge nudge, oh sure we're not together.

If he'd come to me and said, hey, I can't do poly, it's risky and I'm stressed out, I would have been devastated but I could have understood. Or "I need to save my marriage." But instead, I got an email about how he believes that I don't have adequate deception skills and that means he's done. In my mind, you don't get to bitch about a secret getting out if you dangle it in everyone's face like he did. He should have known that a) everyone pretty much knew anyway and b) that shit's gonna get out sooner or later.

Grrr, I could keep ranting but I doubt anyone wants to read that. It does feel good to vent occasionally, though. :) And I have class tomorrow so I should probably sleep.

[BlackUnicorn]

But instead, I got an email about how he believes that I don't have adequate deception skills and that means he's done.

Woot :eek:? Are good deception skills desirable in someone you date? I thought it was the exact opposite!

Without knowing the back story, Mr. O doesn't seem all there.

[ray]

Ha, thanks. :) I've had that thought as well. I feel like perhaps he's a tad delusional or he's making up excuses. Either way, it doesn't inspire trust or respect.

Oh and I believe the back story can be found at "how to be friends with an ex" in the general discussion section.

[ray]

I've decided to give a summary of "the backstory" regarding O and I. Just in case you haven't read about it and aren't sure of what I'm talking about when I refer to it. And since O isn't here to give his side, I'll do my best to present his perspective objectively.

O and I became friends last february through Krav Maga. He was engaged to A. I'd never dated anyone and was in the process of leaving a cult-like church. After much beating around the bush, we began officially dating in June a week before their wedding. When we established the relationship, we laid out some expectations regarding who should know and how to act around certain groups of people.

On his side,

he emphasized how A's parents/family couldn't find out. He initially told me that he didn't want to come out to his friends (non Krav Maga) given the proximity to the wedding. We decided, at the time, to remain in the closet regarding the people we train with. No specific expectations were laid down about that particular group.

I didn't want my parents or any of the Christian circle I knew to find out. Other than that, I was pretty open.

As we began to settle into things, I remember being a bit surprised about how flirtatious he was at training. It was a bit of a mixed message from, we're not going to tell them to we're going to dangle it in their faces. He would always tell me to relax, that I didn't need to worry so much about people finding out. For instance, playing intense games of footsie while eating dinner with the in-laws. Him sneaking a grope while his in-laws weren't looking. At training, he made no pretense, regularly bantering (sexually), groping me in front of people. That sort of thing. And I mean, the kind of flirting that makes people roll their eyes and think, for the love of God, get a room!

At one point, I asked him, what do I do if some one from training confronts me or us about this? Maybe they saw us doing something or just figured it out. His answer was, "it depends." According to him, it depended on the person and what information they had. But he didn't really give me any kind of plan or straight answer.

So we'd been dating for eight months when I was hanging out with a friend from training, Connor. No interest there, just friends. I said something and Connor began asking me a lot of questions and I asked him to drop it and he kept going. Finally, when it was obvious to me that he pretty much knew, I was like, ok, fine, we're together. I explained that we weren't having an affair and I wasn't trying to break up their marriage. I swore him to secrecy and then the next day I email O and told him briefly what happened.

Aside: earlier this year, O had a party and Connor drank way too much and puked all over O's bathroom. And Connor wasn't known for being the most discrete person at training.

Fast forward a few days and over text message, O tells me that I have betrayed him and he wants to go back to being "just friends". He says he can't trust me and I've endangered his Krav Maga
career.

I processed all of this and met with him and was like, hold up! You never told me that you expected me to deny no matter what. I was pressured into talking about it. And Connor is a friend. He's not going to do anything with the information. Besides everybody kind of knows anyway. I argued that this was more of a communication issue that a trust one. He hadn't communicated his expectations fully so it wasn't fair to make that huge of a decision with out giving me a chance.

His response was that he sees a difference between knowing and suspecting. If some one has no evidence, ie a direct confession, email transcripts, dna, then they can only suspect. He claimed that he didn't care if some one suspected. As long as they didn't know. I pointed out that some one can ruin some one based on rumor and heresy. I pointed out that we'd acted in a way that raised a LOT of suspicion and people would be able to make trouble based on that. He said that if some one were to do that, that he would basically manipulate and intimidate them into stopping. I say that's overestimating your ability to control the world.

At the end of that conversation, he told me that he understood that we'd miscommunicated a bit but he just needed to end it anyway and he vaguely cited risk and time management. He said multiple times that he forgave me and wasn't angry but that he was very hurt. Earlier in the conversation, it had seemed that we'd resolved the whole Connor 'scandal' so I didn't think that that was central. In addition, I thought to myself, that I was uncomfortable with some of his "methods" for staying in the closet.

For instance, my parents would stop supporting me financially if they found out. So I'd work hard to keep them from finding out. Those are big consequences. But my friends, who care about me, who let me make my own choices, find out, I don't really feel it's that bad. It's a risk you take in a relationship like this.

Fast forward some more, he sent an apology email, just being like I always had good intentions, I'm sorry that you're hurt, I hope we can be friends.

I responded, asking him to really explain himself and stop bullshitting me. I asked him to take responsibility for his actions.

He sent me a response, opening with a sorry, I could have handled this better and then took the rest of the letter to explain how I'm not good enough at deceiving people. He basically said that I can't maintain the level of secrecy and security he desires. That I accidentally betrayed him and Connor is an "immature and irresponsible punk" and his "enemy forever." (Connor, although not perfect, has apologized for his role in this and was the one who has kept me on suicide watch at his house while I really needed it) O has told me that because of me our teacher may prohibit him from training? which honestly, everyone that I've asked about it has been like, that's ridiculous. And the other thing is that no one that now knows has gone and blabbed about it. O's training hasn't been touched.

At this point, I've stepped out of negotiations. O refused to organize a temporary training schedule so i'm only able to go one day a week. I'm hoping to attempting going back to classes where he is by the end of the month. I don't yet know if I'll feel comfortable interacting more than is necessary. And I have to be careful not to endanger my emotional health, as I am still in a rather fragile state.

So there it is, I hope that is a reasonably fair account of the events. I have tried to understand his logic and explain even if I do not agree with it.

[BlackUnicorn]

Thank you for sharing, Ray!

I admire your effort in trying to present the situation as objectively as possible. However, I must say;

1) This guy is toxic.
2) He more than likely suffers from some form of personality disorder that isn't likely to go away.
3) Run run RUN! To the hills!

Are there any other groups in your area which you could join for training? I think it's shite he can force you out of your circle of friends that way, but for emotional health reasons, it just might be best to put him on strict avoidance list for an indefinite period of time until you are absolutely sure you can face him and not fall under his spell again.

[ray]

:( As much as I try to justify everything that's happened, I keep hearing a little voice that tells me to keep him far. I have a tendency to be too trusting and forgiving when it would be more appropriate to set up strict boundaries. I've given him lots of chances to 'have a heart.' And he hasn't taken any of them. It makes me really, really sad.

On a happier note, I had a few interesting encounters today. I take the train home from work and a coworkers rode with me. One of them got off at my stop and it turns out that he immigrated from Mali, where I'm looking to do an internship. Small world! He was a really interesting person and offered to set me up with contacts if I needed some.

One of my training friends came and trained with me apart from the training with O. It was fairly productive and we found out that we're both kinksters. I think he's the first kinky friend I've had in awhile. :) We had a funny discussion about figging.

I forget if I've mention F at all. Otherwise known in my head as AbsolutelyDropDeadGorgeousMan. I trained with him last week. We're getting together on Friday. I've had a crush on F for months. O knew about but I never pursued it. I know that I'm not ready to get into a relationship right now and we're just training now anyway. But the more I hang around him, the more I get all ooshy gooshy and totally infatuated with him. And the thought that I could actually be in a primary relationship (with anyone!). It just feels to good to be true. And on his facebook profile, he indicates an interest in Shibari? So maybe he's kinky? The martial arts community seems to be full of kinky people, so it would make sense. Who knows...

[BlackUnicorn]

And on his facebook profile, he indicates an interest in Shibari? So maybe he's kinky? The martial arts community seems to be full of kinky people, so it would make sense. Who knows...

As someone who just recently got her long-awaited Shibari You Can Use -book through the mail, I wish you luck :p.

Good to know you are playing the field.

[ray]

Thanks, BlackUnicorn :)

Trained with F this morning. I think we were both a bit out of it. My lips are all cut up from getting punched in the mouth. I got down to the locker room and there was all this dried blood and grossness. So much for trying to make a good impression, ha. It's a good thing neither of us has AIDS. There was blood on his shirt, my gloves, my face etc... Training with him is good though because he's way better than me, so it's helping me to pinpoint more of my weaknesses. Right now, however, I just need to find the vaseline. :)

I'm going to go to a TNG movie night tonight. And if I can find a sponsor, I may get to go to my first play party tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but I think it'd be cool to try out the kink scene here and see if I find some new friends or things I enjoy.

Tomorrow is a belt test and I decided that it's best if I don't go. I'm not really ready to see O. So, instead of sitting at home and feeling left out, I signed up for a gardening workshop about how to garden year round. I've been wanting to learn more about gardening for awhile now so I'm excited to see what I glean. I'd really like to grow my own herbs. Maybe some basil, rosemary, cilantro...

I think it could be an exciting weekend. :)

[ray]

Wow! This was an amazing weekend. :D On Friday, I went a TNG movie night, sort of munch-like. I really enjoyed myself and felt at home. While I was there, I was able to get invited to a play party for later.

Saturday morning, I had fun at the gardening class. I think I'm going to try and start composting and see if I can get a little herb garden growing. I love to cook and having fresh herbs would be so amazing. They can be kind of pricey at the store. Especially basil. It's ridiculously expensive.

I had an amazing time at the party. It was a great environment and I felt comfortable. There was an orientation before hand and I'd meet some people at the movie night, so I didn't feel totally new. I did a lot of observing and socializing which was really interesting. I played a bit with a Tens unit and did suspension bondage for the first time. Overall, it was a great first party and I'm really excited to go again sometime. It felt like the most natural thing in the world and I'm glad I finally worked up the courage to seek it out.

I met a guy the movie night and then we hung out for most of the party and he drove me home afterwards. Everyone kept asking if we came together. I like him but for one, I'm not really ready to jump into anything and I don't know that I have a huge interest in being with him. It's like something is missing. And I have a huge crush on F. I'll probably need to let T (the new guy) know that I'm just going to stay in my own limbo land for awhile. But I'd love to get to know him in the meantime.

Then, this morning, way too early after being up most of the night, I went shooting with some friends from Krav Maga. I got to use a semi-automatic that I really liked and my shooting is improving. My skill was not as good with the pistol so that's something I want to work on. After shooting we went to lunch.

Overall a really fantabulous weekend. :) I feel the happiest I've felt in a long time.

[BlackUnicorn]

Ray, I could seriously do you. Herb gardens, suspension bondage AND guns? Now it's my turn to swoon.

So good to hear you are feeling better and got to play a little. I've yet to go to the local munch but already know a few people there so it will be considerably less intimidating if/when I finally go.

[ray]

Tehe, :) I'm flattered. I hope you get a chance make it to a munch. I loved just hanging out with kinky people. It feels like there's less I have to explain about myself or certain things that they just get.

On a more serious note, my top priority in therapy has been learning to love myself. And the more I've been exploring my interests and allowing myself to be what I want to be, I'm starting to find myself a lot more like-able.

So, my social life has positively exploded since this weekend. I have a sushi date on Saturday, coffee on friday and negotiations to do some wax play at some point in the near future. I feel like men are knocking down my door to hang out with me/play with me (BDSM sense). I'm so not used to this.

Oddly, going on dates makes me incredibly anxious. One reason that I almost never go on dates. They scare the shit out of me. It made it easy with O, we never went on dinner dates alone together. A always came too. I remember for Valentines, I really wanted to go on a date and he said no and I was crushed. I'm going with T, the guy I connected with this weekend. He seems very sweet, men just make me super nervous, esp. once the word date is said or implied. Not to mention, I'm in the midst of finals. Stress, anyone? But I will try to stay calm. *breathes deeply*

The idea of being in a relationship by myself, ie a primary is also terrifying. I'm not sure what it would feel like. Other than scary. :p O was my first boyfriend, really so I don't know what it's like to date someone without being the third wheel. For some reason, it felt safer having someone else involved.
And this saturday, I'm going to see O for the first time in ages. Believe me, if I never had to see him again, I'd be just fine. Unfortunately...I have to face his existence sooner or later. I'm just afraid of how seeing him will make me feel. I've made so much progress, I don't want it all to be ruined.

[BlackUnicorn]

And the more I've been exploring my interests and allowing myself to be what I want to be, I'm starting to find myself a lot more like-able.

So, my social life has positively exploded since this weekend. I have a sushi date on Saturday, coffee on friday and negotiations to do some wax play at some point in the near future. I feel like men are knocking down my door to hang out with me/play with me (BDSM sense). I'm so not used to this.

Aha, the feeling of 'where are all these people coming from? I never used to be a popular girl' can be somewhat overwhelming. And I think it's a good sign of you finally starting to heal from your relationship with O.

Why is primary terrifying?

Power hugs to prepare you for your encounter with him coming your way! Rant all you need before, during and after. Is there a safe person you could take with you to face him?

[ray]

Well, primary is scary because it's like being in a spot light. There's a different level of involvement and responsibility. And, I guess the feeling of not being worthy of being some one's primary. I've never been in a primary relationship. I have issues with feeling like I don't deserve love and whatnot. Or like anyone would bother to care that much about me.

Yesterday, I met with my therapist and we started talking about my anxiety with going on dates. It's pretty intense and goes beyond the typical, eek a date!. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it for a long time with no success. But FINALLY, we figured out the connection. My parents were/are? emotionally abusive and anytime my sister or I would attempt to bring issues to the table, they would be like, but we spend all this money on you guys, how could you say we're not good parents, blah, blah, blah. So, I've got this construct in my head where, if someone spends money on me, I feel obligated to do whatever they want or feel how they expect me to feel, whether or not I want to.

So, we spend lots of money on you, so we can abuse and torment you for years on end. But you'd better act like it's okay and we're great parents. Put on a good show.

Or

I bought you dinner, so you have to make out with me.

Not really a healthy way to be. I try and respect other people's boundaries and I need to do a better job of expecting people to respect mine. It's like I believe I can only do one or the other. Like if I'm asking people to respect me, I'm somehow not respecting them. I know this is something a lot people struggle with. But I'm feeling like I want to give this issue priority.

On a more positive note, I had a super awesome dream recently.

I was being chased by people trying to capture/kill me, as I often am. I took off running into the forest and for the first time I can remember, I was actually able to run! Typically, I cant run very well in my dreams. Like I'm running through water. So, off I ran and eventually, I came to a teetering cliff with a large lake below. I dove into the water and at the bottom, there was a keeper of the bodies (apparently a lot of deaths?) and he made a deal with me that he would take another body and pass it off as mine when the men came. Since bodies that have been in water awhile aren't very recognizable and all... then he gave me a boat and showed me a secret underground river. So, I escaped and lived happily ever after. :)

[LovingRadiance]

God I can understand that anxiety!

I really hate the feeling that I "owe" someone because they took me out. LAME!

And,
it does happen a lot.

I think it's awesome that you are working through that anxiety! :)

Sounds like you are really throwing yourself forward in life and I admire that!

[SNeacail]

Do you have a good friend that could text you a little reminder or words of encouragement while you are out on a date that might help ease your anxiety?

[BlackUnicorn]

Well that is an awesome dream! Sounds like a science fiction short story. I love dreams that actually have a plot.

I don't allow anyone to treat to me to anything on a first date. It's a silly rule but I keep to it. If they want to go to a place I can't afford I say so and suggest something in my price range.

I also don't go on first dates where they agree to pick me up and drive me home. I also always make sure I have enough money for a taxi should it come to it.

Just basic safety stuff, but so far I haven't had negative experiences. Also having a time-line for a date might help, and keeping it public, like 'We are going to have a coffee in the middle of the day in a coffee house, and after two hours I will go meet another friend, and I let them know the date won't continue indefinitely'. So there is less 'What will happen later, do they expect things to get physical?' anxiety.

[ray]

Thanks, LR, I'm definitely trying. I feel like I'm making real progress these days. Rather than just talking myself in circles. My current therapist has been really helpful in putting me on a path towards self-sufficiency.

@ SN - I really like your idea, unfortunately, I only have texting on my Ipod touch, so unless I've got a wireless network, I can't access it. Luckily, I did okay without it this time. :)

Thanks BlackUnicorn! I have lots of cool dreams and they tend to read like little mini short stories. I like your rules about first dates. If I were in a better financial situation, I might consider instituting that for myself. Sounds like it eliminates some of the negative situations that can arise. I've also worked with my therapist this last week on channeling the part of me that can say no and stick up for what's good for me.

So, this weekend went better than I thought it might overall. On Friday I went to a Global Health conference. It was pretty fabulous and I definitely learned a lot. Awkwardly, my ex's wife's brother's girlfriend's brother showed up. And he always hits on me. But oh well.

Then, I had a coffee meet-up schedule with someone from the BDSM scene. I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We had beverages, then went on a walk, then went for food. After we get to know each other a bit more, I think we could make excellent play partners. He was really great about moving at a normal pace. Seemed to value getting to know me as a person before attempting to be like let's go do this or that.

Saturday morning was the definite low point of the weekend. There was a belt test for two of my friends and I decided to go. Of course, O was there. Two of my friends that know were there as well, so I was glad to have them on hand. O and I just didn't interact but it was really, really hard to see him. I had to get up and leave the room for part of the test. Then, after the test was over, I almost lost it in front of every one, so I left the room again and when I came back, Connor took me home. Then I had a test to take but I was alternating between reading the material and sobbing hysterically, so it was an interesting afternoon. By the end of that, I was feeling pretty drained and grumpy.

Then, I had my date with T. I really wasn't feeling it before he came to pick me up. We went for sushi and we had a decent time. I cheered up a bit. Then, we decided to go to a movie. It was one on my list I'd wanted to see, Hanna. Then, we just hung out and talked for a bit. He was very gentlemanly and it felt nice to go on a date, have some one pay for it and not feel like I needed to whore myself out to make up for it. I ended up having a perfectly nice time. It was laid back and fun.

Today is Easter, so Happy Easter to all who celebrate it. I'll be going to church, then Connor is having a dinner. I also have a paper to write, eek!
I can't wait until I'm done with finals. It'll be such a relief.

[nycindie]

Yesterday, I met with my therapist and we started talking about my anxiety with going on dates. It's pretty intense and goes beyond the typical, eek a date! . . . I've got this construct in my head where, if someone spends money on me, I feel obligated to do whatever they want or feel how they expect me to feel, whether or not I want to. . . . I bought you dinner, so you have to make out with me.

Go dutch!

And good luck finding a guy who still treats a woman to dinner anyway! Since returning to dating after my marriage ended, I haven't met one! It seem everyone goes dutch these days. Men don't even buy me drinks at a bar anymore.

[BlackUnicorn]

It is the recession, I fear :rolleyes:.

[ray]

I guess I got lucky then! T paid for dinner and movie. And no obligation. Even luckier for me! Yeah, I like the idea of going dutch but I'm super poor, so I'd never really be able to go out. Or we'd end up at McDonald's. I'm trying to reprogram my brain so that I do feel comfortable simply saying "no, I'm not ready to do that with you" or what have you. It didn't hurt that T appears to be a decent human being. I don't think I'm going to be getting in a relationship with any one soon. Besides, I've been pining over F, the guy I occasionally box with. Unfortunately, I don't think he's really interested in me.

[BlackUnicorn]

I had the weirdest dream where Sweetheart and I were having sex in an unheated sauna (of all places! Flattie for reasons known only to dream logic was also in attendance but not an active participant) and he kept on pressing that we can't use condoms because he can't come with them! And the dream me went along with it, and was later super-anxious over being pregnant/having a disease.

It weirds me out having to do assertiveness training in my dreams.

[ray]

Dreams are so funny. I've had dreams like that where I was like why did I not stick up for myself. But of course that seems to happen a good bit in real life too.

It has been a mostly very shitty week. My brain has been stuck on Brad. Our internet went down and the company can't seem to get their act together to fix it. I'm in the middle of finals. I got a ticket from the transit police on Thursday. My mom lost her job which means I soon won't have health care which means no therapy. I didn't get the job I interviewed for which means that after next week I'll be unemployed too.

Sigh...

Meanwhile, I found out a few weeks ago that a friend of mine is kinky. He and I have been training together for almost a year. He then expressed an interest in me which I basically ignored. Then after reminiscing about the recent abysmal failures of krav maga relationships he was like oh wait nevermind. To which I say, good idea. I also didn't think I was interested in him. But....last night he came over to my house to watch a movie and we both got drunk and snuggled and talked for most of the night. He was pretty adorable. I had been really needing a good cuddle for awhile so I did really enjoy it. It became pretty obvious that he seems to have a strong interest. I don't think we're at all in the same place. I think S really wants a serious monogamous girlfriend. I'm not there right now. I just hope I didn't make a huge mistake by letting that happen.

[ray]

Whoops, just noticed I used a real name. Too late to edit, I suppose. Oh well, it's a common first name. We'll just pretend like I didn't do that.

Life never ceases to be interesting these days. I love how I was all like, oooo I wanna be monogamous and blah blah blah... Or at least avoid any kind of commitment with multiple folks. Currently I'm negotiating play relations or something (I am always a bit confused) with two guys who are good friends and have been in the kink scene for awhile (we'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2). All of us are fairly fresh out of relationships and not looking for anything particularly serious. My anxiety about sexuality and relationships has been high key these last few days. Worrying that I'll feel obligated to do shit before I feel comfortable doing it.

And I think I haven't been getting enough alone time lately. People constantly wanting to hang out, texting me. And I'm trying to finish up finals. Plus I'm sick with a nasty cold/cough. Likely the result of too much partying this weekend. A bunch of us went to a local fetish themed night at a club. Overall, it was quite fun. I had a chance to catch Thing 2. We hadn't really gotten to talk much in person. I spent the night at Thing 1's house and actually had spent most of the day before going to the club hanging out with him. We got to play a bit and I really enjoyed it. Now, I'm just super exhausted and feeling a tad overwhelmed.

On the *squeee side, I got my awesomely awesome tax return and was finally able to buy a new laptop since my old one is pretty decrepit. I got a Toshiba and I'm quite excited for it arrive. And I have two more finals left and then I am done! That will feel so good. And I get to play with Thing 2 on friday. So much for being mono. I find it hilarious when they're like, so we were comparing notes and...

I feel like I've sluttified since breaking up with O. I've yet to decide how I feel about it entirely. Lol. I think I've gone on more dates in the last month or so than I have in my entire life before that. Sometimes I worry about losing my innocence or that my central feeling of childlike--ness will somehow vanish. But I guess that's silly. My virginity and sexual activity doesn't neccessary have to correlate to my moral standing/innocence/personality. I'm not sure why I can't seem to disconnect that.

[ray]

Therapists can be very helpful. After a long talk with mine, I realized that I just need to listen to my body and all other assorted characters. If one of them is uncomfortable, then I may just need to say no.

Then I had a nice talk with Thing 1, saying that I only want to do non-sexual play right now and he was quite understanding. I'm sure Thing 2 will be as well. Then, if I feel like I want to go further with that at some point, I totally can. And nobody gets traumatized. :)

On the sucky side, I have bronchitis. Hopefully resting up this weekend will remedy it. Having that while taking your finals is NOT fun! I could barely concentrate when I took my last test yesterday. I'm feeling slightly better today and finals are officially over, so I can actually relax. *insert big sigh of relief* I'm planning on hibernating this weekend.

I think that spring is finally here and I love that my snapdragons are blooming. They look so beautiful. I got a little jalapeno plant and I'm excited to see if I get little peppers! Once I feel better, I can finish transplanting stuff. I've got some dahlias and they are lovely. I can't wait until someday when I have space to grow lots of stuff. I'm glad we have a bit of room though. It's a fun hobby. :)

[ray]

Well, now that finals are over, I'm unemployed and what not. Not too much to keep me busy. Lately, it's been hard not to think of O and the pain that's still there. Earlier this week, I was at a restorative yoga class and we were in a pose and I was relaxing and connecting. All of the sudden, I just started crying uncontrollably. I guess that your body holds a lot of that emotion and when you connect with it, it comes out.

This Saturday will be my first Krav Maga class with O. I'm pretty nervous. I told my teacher that it's going to be difficult and summarized why so she'll understand if I need to step out for a bit. I wish I could pretend I don't care and it doesn't bother me. I just know how it makes me feel when I think about him or see him. I fall totally apart. Sigh... I hope that it goes well enough. Well enough, so I can try it again. At least I'll be hanging out with T1 afterwards, so I can get a big hug.

Things are going well with Things 1 and 2. Should I give them new nicknames? Is it entirely too confusing? Let me know. Earlier this week, there was a munch and afterwards it devolved into some more hanging out and play. Much fun was had by all and I got to try some new stuff out and new people.

I had so much fun, in fact, that Thursday evening, I was still glowing and I had a bunch of people comment on it. I think I may be developing feelings for T1. And I love getting to try kinky things out with people.

I got an unlimited yoga pass! I'm so excited, I get to go to so many classes now. I've been going just about every day. In fact, I'll be heading out to an Ansura class in like an hour. I am a bit sore but it's good to get a bit of activity when you're sore, helps to alleviate it.

And I get to play with T2 tonight. I think it'll be our first time. We were supposed to meet up last week, but then I got sick. And then there's a birthday party after that. I guess it'll be a late night. Hopefully not too late though, I have Krav Maga in the morning. Don't need to be exhausted AND distraught.

[BlackUnicorn]

What are you talking about? You sound like you have a ton of good things going on! It's good to be able to cry and let go that way. I'm happy for you!

Is T1 a potential? (nicknames would be good, yeah)

[ray]

Thanks for the reminder BU, there are a lot of good things. But sometimes, that pain is just really present and all those other things can't make it go away. I am trying to not repress my grief and let it out when it needs to. Sometimes, it does feel a bit overwhelming and I can start to feel like it's this big black hole that's sucking me in and is never going to let me out.

OK, so my updates as of late have been rambly and confusing. So I shall detangle.

I recently joined the kink scene where I am making new friends and am having TONS of fun. Two important figures, as of this time, previous known as Thing 1 and Thing 2, shall now be known as Nurse and Sinclair.

Nurse, is, well, a nurse. And we've started to play a bit together. He is just coming out of a rather serious relationship himself and has a lot going on dealing with all of that. I've really enjoyed spending time with him and we have a lot of fun/snuggling. He's 32 and works a lot of hours right now, so time is limited. I feel like we've gotten fairly emotionally close a bit quickly and I've already spent the night a couple of time. But both of us are still dealing with a lot of shit so I don't think that either of us wants to really do a relationship relationship with anyone. But who knows... And I can't lie, I think I might really like him.

Sinclair works in IT or something... We've spent less time together than Nurse and I. The two of them have been friends for a good long time and both were interested in playing with me and I with them and decided to relax and share. :) Yay for sharing! I got a chance to play with Sinclair yesterday and it was really fun. We had a chance to just talk for awhile too and he's also just coming out of a relationship. And it genuinely does appear that all three of us are on the same page. In terms of where we are and what we're looking for, etc...

So, as of right now, my status with them is primarily play partners, not necessarily exclusive. But, like I said, who knows...

I'm doing a lot of really important work on myself right now and I think I want to get a bit farther on that before I jump into anything really serious. I want to believe and know that I'm an awesome person not because Nurse or O or anyone says so, but because I say so.

So this morning was my first Krav Maga class with O since February. I managed to make it through the class but it was tough. It's hard to see him but I think I'm ready to take this step. I forgot my phone at class so afterwards, my teacher brought it over to my house and we talked for a bit and I told her about the relationship. It felt so good just to be honest and besides, she'd already figured it out anyone. The world didn't end. For so long, I felt like I couldn't talk to her because O had told me that if she knew she would kick him out of training. I was so afraid for so long of slipping up and disappointing them both. But, in the end, it wasn't a big fucking deal. It's a huge relief to have her know. I feel so much more peace right now. I hated having to distance myself from her. And now I don't have to. :)

Ah, so many leaps and bounds these days. It feels like I'm making a lot of progress lately. Learning to take care of myself, care about myself, express and enforce my boundaries. I still have a long way to go but I really feel like I'm getting somewhere and I want that to keep happening.

[nycindie]

It felt so good just to be honest and besides, she'd already figured it out anyone. The world didn't end. For so long, I felt like I couldn't talk to her because O had told me that if she knew she would kick him out of training. I was so afraid for so long of slipping up and disappointing them both.

It sounds like he handed you a ton of bullshit in the course of your relationship.

[ray]

The more distance I get from it, the more I'm like, that was fucked up! There were definitely some good/great parts but there was a lot of bullshit and dysfunction. And I feel like I'm finally at a place where even if he were to come crawling back and want to be with me, I'd still say no.

[ray]

I've had a pretty good week! :) Mostly... Aside from a bit of bullshit and drama regarding O. It feels like he's been doing a few things lately just to get under my skin and make a power play. At this point, I'm trying to just ignore it and do my thing. He's not making it easy though.

On a happier note, things are going well with the Nurse. We got to play some more this week. I had an amazing time. :) I love being able to explore this side of myself. I think I'm starting to have feelings beyond "play partner" and I'm a little nervous because he's even fresher out of a breakup than I am. I just don't want to end up investing into something if he's just rebounding. I love having some one to cuddle and play with. We have good conversations and a decent amount in common.

In the mean time, I am really loving playing. The Nurse, Sinclair and I are planning a scene for an upcoming play party and I must say, I think it's going to be really fantastic. It's a fantasy I've had for years. I'm pretty new to playing in public so I'm a little nervous to have an audience but I've gotten more comfortable with a little of stuff recently. I think it'll go well. ;)

Tomorrow's going to be super busy. I have a composting class, a wedding and then a get together. Oh and a job interview! Which is awesome. I really really really need a job! Like, yesterday. So, keep your fingers crossed for me! I've applied to an insane amount of stuff. There are so many people looking right now. :( One of the strip clubs nearby is hiring and I had a moment of ...maybe? and then....Nopes. Besides, I'm trying to find daytime hours. :)

I've been doing lots and lots of yoga and that feels good. I'm starting to be able to flow in my movement and refine poses. I'm finding more control with the breath and my focus. I really love having this unlimited pass right now.

[ray]

Oh, I have been so giddy lately.

I think I'm really falling for the Nurse. I can't decide whether that's good or bad. On one hand, I'm enjoying all the elated, silly feelings I have. But, he's about a month out of a breakup and as of yet, we haven't actually talked about being more than play partners. So I don't want to be presumptuous. He's definitely not close at all to being over his ex.

On the other hand, I've been sleeping over at his house and cuddling all night, a few nights week, for the last couple of weeks. He'll do sweet things like hold my hand while we're sleeping or kiss me on the forehead. I feel like he may be interested in going further with it, but with out talking to him, it's hard to know. I'm so afraid that he's just using me as some one to cheer him up while he's got a broken heart. Or that maybe I'm reading too much into it. For some reason, I'm really nervous to ask. I guess, I'm really enjoying just hanging out and don't want to some how mess it up. Or that he'll think I'm silly for liking him as more than a play partner.

But I think I really, really like him. I didn't expect to. I was on the phone with one of my best friends and I finally admitted that I was totally smitten after I started rambling nonsensically about him. She was like, you're doing that thing, where you talk and you're really happy but you're not making any sense.

Recently, he and sinclair did a scene with me. It was pretty awesome. I haven't been able to get it out of my head and I definitely still have the bruises. ;) It was my first public scene and I got the most amazing endorphin rush afterwards.

And there's a girlie I'm considering! We're meeting for coffee soon. She's pretty young and in the kink scene. She's got a boyfriend and I think that we're just considering play/FWB kind of stuff. She's rather adorable. Squeee! So many fun things! Hopefully I can get up the cahones to talk to the Nurse about how I feel some time soon or I might burst!

[BlackUnicorn]

Yays all around!

Just to be clear; you and Nurse have had sex off/scene, right?

[ray]

Weelll, actually, I am, in fact, a virgin. *Gasp, I know. Well, I guess that depends on how you define sex. Well, I haven't done much and I haven't had intercourse. The Nurse is aware of this and I had told him a few weeks ago that I wasn't really wanting to do sexual things in play or elsewhere. He and I have been spending a lot of 'normal' time together and the other morning when he left for work, he kissed me. (gasp again!) So, it is a bit unclear to me exactly where this is going since not an awful lot has happened. There's really great energy between us and I'm hoping that it's developing into more but I won't really know until we have a conversation about it.

[nycindie]

So, when you were talking about participating in "scenes," you weren't referring to acting school?

(That's a joke.)

I figured out you're talking about BDSM. The whole thing about scenes totally confuses me, and now especially that you do this and you're a virgin. I just don't understand any of that. May I ask how old you are? I thought I understood the relationship part, when you talked about O., but now I'm wondering if any input I gave you was useful at all, since I don't relate at all to the idea of going to a dungeon, performing BDSM in groups in front of people you don't know, nor being in relationships without sex. If I ever offer you an opinion that's totally off-base, please let me know! :)

[BlackUnicorn]

Weelll, actually, I am, in fact, a virgin.

Drat, I used to know that. Anyways, I think the fact that you are spending so much time off/scene is a good indicator that there is potential for something really great happening.

Is Nurse poly?

[ray]

@ Indie LOL, I used to be a theatre major ;)

But really, I appreciate your input. You have so many great things to say that apply to relationships of all varieties. One things that I like about BDSM right now is that I can participate in scenes and not have sex. It's a great way for me to explore my sexuality without having to jump into something I'm not ready for. I've struggled for a long time to be comfortable with being sexual. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to feel comfortable in that role. I intend to keep exploring it both in kink and relationship-wise. I'm not really looking for a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic. I enjoy play and some power exchange but with moderation.

@ BU

Yes, Nurse is poly. I hope it is too. :) It's beginning to seem more like that.

I feel like I need to have an essay on hand entitled "Why I am STILL a Virgin" lol

I'm 22 and O, my previous relationship was my first one. His wife didn't approve of us having sex except in the context of a threesome with her. Only she didn't really want to have a threesome, (go figure?) and I didn't want my first time to be in a threesome. So, that never quite worked out. I also have a large amount of psychological issues regarding sex. And, as if that weren't enough, I have an abnormally thick hymen so until I finish the dilating process or have surgery, I can't have PIV sex anyway. So there's a lot going on.
That being said, I'd really like to try it and I'm hoping that if things with the Nurse go well, that could be a possibility.

So I suppose I am trying to say that I am not asexual, I'm just a very late bloomer. ;)

[nycindie]

Oh, honey, 22 is not very late. You take your time and do it when it feels right. If you feel that BDsm scenes are helping you come to terms with sex and sexuality, I think that's great. I certainly made some idiot moves when I was your age, trying my sexuality on for size. Oy! I do find a lot of the BDsm world disturbing, but some of it appeals to me. I think if you can pick and choose what aspects appeal to you and set boundaries that make sure you are safe, it's good. I would only caution you to make sure the people you play with are trustworthy and not assholes about it. My next question is possibly the weirdest sentence I've ever written on a message board: I am curious about your hymen. <giggle> Have you never used tampons? Or is it so thick you can't insert one?

Sorry about such a personal question, but you just piqued my curiosity when you mentioned it!

[BlackUnicorn]

I'm not really looking for a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic. I enjoy play and some power exchange but with moderation.


I'm starting to suspect that TPE isn't actually even very compatible with poly - the two relationship ideologies just seem fundamentally at odds to me. Maybe some form of poly-fi would work, but again, I have an outsider's view on the matter - I would fit the audience of the book 'When someone you love is kinky' :confused:.

I'm sorry to hear your first relationship experience was so shitty! But to paraphrase a recent campaign, 'It gets better'.

I had my first relationship/first intercourse at 20, going on 21, because I just never found anyone it would have felt 'right' with before. And look at how I have sluttified! Since starting on poly, the amount of my sexual partners has increased by 300 % :D.

[ray]

@ BU

Yeah, I agree somewhat. Perhaps there are some who make it work but I think it does pose problems given the intensity of a M/s dynamic. In addition, I think, for me, it would be pretty stressful. I'm not a big fan of 24/7 anything. But I suppose if real life is taken into account and woven well into the protocols.... General kink lends itself exceedingly well to poly. I've encountered many in the kink community that seem to be at least poly friendly, if not poly themselves to some degree. And like poly, there are so many ways to be kinky and a rainbow of ways a relationship can be built. I like the variety and flexibility.

Yes, I think it is starting to get better. :) I, too, am in my sluttification process. lol I've been rather enjoying it lately.

@ Indie


TMI WARNING


Hehe, it's ok to ask. I think I did chuckle a bit when I read it though. So I do use tampons although I had to start with the supermini ones and for a long time it was pretty painful to use them. Over the years, I managed to graduate to some larger objects... I still am not quite at the point where I could fit a normal penis. I'm getting closer though. It's about as thick as the webbing between a normal person's thumb and pointer finger. So penetration with movement can be uncomfortable/excruciating. I'm beginning to wonder if I should just have it removed. I'd like to try and progress without the surgery but I may end up needing it. :(

I think a lot of us in the BDSM world sometimes struggle with finding what we do disturbing. ;) I know I felt like a gigantic freak for years. The kinky community does some crazy stuff! The thing to keep in mind is that those involved, 95% of the time, are absolutely ecstatic to be doing so. I will encounter fetishes that I might find gross or scary and I try to remember that. It usually helps me. I've been pretty lucky to come across a quality group of people who are really respectful in play and very friendly. People have been helpful in letting me know who's good to play with and who to be careful of. :)

[ray]

Wow, what a weekend! It felt so good to get a full nights sleep last night! I think I finally feel human again. :) I had a munch/bonfire/party on Friday night. On Saturday the Nurse, I and two of our friends went on a little outing downtown. Later that evening there was yet another bonfire/party. Then, bright and early Sunday morning, we all got up to march in the Pride Parade.

It was a gorgeous day and there were a ton of entries in the parade. I'd never been in one/watched it or anything before. It felt really good to just be out there. There's been so much lying and hiding in the last year and I loved being open. I also love that I have the freedom to do that in my life without losing my job and what not. In addition, my family lives really far away, so I don't worry too much about it filtering back to them. I saw a few people I knew but no one that couldn't know about me being kinky/otherwise alternative. Me and three other girls were handcuffed together and we had fun dragging each other around/clotheslining people and otherwise trapping them. The crowd seemed to enjoy watching our antics. Afterwards we all hung out. Lots of napping, eating and drinking. I think I was pretty beat for most of the weekend due to lack of sleep.

I realized that I really missed doing art. I feel like I need to get back into things. I have a few projects in mind. And I have a good deal of free time on my hands given that it's summer. I finally found a decent job as well. I'll be working on campus at my university teaching people how to use computers. I also get free textbooks! How awesome is that... :) I've been trying to find a stable job for awhile so I was so happy to finally get an offer. The people I'll be working with seem pretty chill, as well.

I also became an aunt again this weekend! I have a brand new nephew, born very healthy. :)

On Thursday night, I had a huge fit on insecurity and freaked out about stuff with the Nurse. I spent the evening confused and hysterical. I felt like maybe I was silly to like him as more than a play partner and that he couldn't possibly be interested in me given how wrapped up he seems to be with things with his ex. I had this horrible feeling like maybe I was setting myself up for another broken heart. He had written a blog entry about some stuff and even though it didn't say anything bad...my brain went ahead and interpreted it in the worst possible light. So then I was pretty upset and feeling like I wanted to distance myself from him. When I saw him on Friday, he asked me what was wrong and I'm not sure I explained it very well but we decided that we should sit down and just make sure we're both on the same page. Unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to talk this weekend and I must admit I feel a bit frustrated about that. Mainly because I'm impatient and anxious and I don't want to have to be on edge about all of this for a long time. We're probably on the same page, I'm probably just making a big deal out of this because I feel insecure. :( Sometimes I feel like such a crackpot. I just want to protect myself from getting into something that isn't healthy. I don't know if I could handle getting my heart crushed right now.

[Ariakas]

Sometimes I feel like such a crackpot. I just want to protect myself from getting into something that isn't healthy. I don't know if I could handle getting my heart crushed right now.

Ensuring you are protected and the relationship is healthy means you aren't a crackpot. Thats a good way to do it. What if you get involved and the relationship is a mess.. be true to yourself before you can be true to others...

for the record.. heart break is always survivable, no matter how difficult..

[BlackUnicorn]

I'll be working on campus at my university teaching people how to use computers. I also get free textbooks! How awesome is that... :)

I also became an aunt again this weekend! I have a brand new nephew, born very healthy. :)

Oy, lots of goodness! I am secretly dreaming of a job at the university library, although I am massively unqualified, as a content descriptor. Imagine getting to read textbooks all day and then writing down what they are about and getting paid to do that :eek:!

How do you feel about Nurse? Are you two dating as far as you are concerned? Would you like to be? Is he primary material?

[ray]

Librarians are sexy. ;) Everyday, I like this job more and more. I hope to keep it for awhile.

Soooo, last night, the Nurse and I finally had "the talk." Although it was not as thorough/complete as I'd hoped. I think that our previous conversation from last week confused him. I'd had a bit of a freak out and told him that I was concerned that I was getting too attached. I think he interpreted that as I didn't want to be attached and need him to back up. What I really meant was I have feelings for you and don't want to get attached unless you feel the same.

I had him go first and he was like, I think we should just be friends right now and then if it develops into FWB or play partners, we can think about that later. My heart wilted a bit. Then I responded with how I didn't think I could keep doing things like kissing him/spending the night/playing if we were just friends. That it would be confusing. I acknowledged how things are complicated right now with both of our break ups but said that I really liked him regardless. Then, he made a happy sound and asked me if I would be ok having an open relationship of some kind. To which, I said yes. Then we figured that we'd take the next few weeks to define things a bit more. So, it appears that we are moving towards relationship land. :) Yippeee!

[BlackUnicorn]

A relationship! A real relationship! Yippee!

[ray]

So, still moving very slowly but still moving. :)

We haven't been declaring it and I do still feel like the Nurse's response to when I asked him if we were together was ambiguous but he didn't say no and we've been continuing to act more like a couple, so I'm assuming that's good? He recently had a sexual experience with one of his play partners that was previously a non-sexual relationship. I was kind of surprised that it didn't upset me. The first thought after he told me was "how was it?" And at that point we hadn't made any agreements about that sort of thing, so it's not like he broke any promises? I like her myself, as a friend, and find it to be a relief to have possible metamours that are people I can connect with. And today I asked him if they planned on sex being a regular thing and he wasn't sure, so I just asked him to let me know when they figure it out. Typically I would prefer to know before a relationship becomes sexual but seeing as our status is so ambiguous and we're not sexual ourselves, I don't think I have much to get in a twist about. What do you guys think?

He and I got a chance to play a bit a party over the weekend and the energy was really great. We tried some new things (for me, anyway) and I loved it! As the scene was ended he kissed me and it was one of my favorite kisses I've ever had, not that I have a huge library of experience... :P But still! The energy!

In other news, I've decided to have my infamous hymen surgically removed. I realized that doing things the natural way just isn't working. The surgery has very little risk and involved and a lot of reward. I would like to make sex a part of my life and after I have this surgery, the physical barriers will be significantly reduced. I was talking to my therapist about the emotional barriers. There are many but I'm starting to see a vision of how I would be most comfortable exploring my sexuality further. I think when I decide that some one is going to be my first sexual partner and they reciprocate that desire, I will need to go through a progression. Trying different sexual activities as I feel more comfortable. Building up to the things that are more scary for me. I have some pretty intense baggage and feel like I need to explore in a healthy and safe place so I make positive associations. I envision this process taking one to three months. Obviously, it's fluid but that sounds about like what I might need. So, the next step for me is to share with the Nurse what I think I need in order to be sexual. If he thinks that's something he can be on board with and wants to participate in that, great! If not, I'll have to look elsewhere. It's hard sometimes to hold firmly to what I know I need when it runs counter to what some one else wants. But I feel like I need to not compromise on this one. It's pretty important!

[BlackUnicorn]

So happy and proud of you! Yes, it IS important, and you need to stick to what you want and know you need.

Just curious - what happened to the other guy? Sinclair I venture his name was.

As to your question - do you feel you should be getting in a twist? Or is it something you thought of previously as a boundary and now you discover it's not that big a deal?

[ray]

Sinclair and I don't seem to have much of a connection. No hurt feelings I'm aware but it just wasn't a match of any kind other than friend.

The nurse and I did discuss an open relationship. Not in detail and we never specifically specified that we were in one. I interpreted it as when we decided to be in one we would hammer out some agreements. I envisioned something along the lines of sex and or play is ok as long as it's agreed upon beforehand. I would have like to have known beforehand that he was considering having sex with our friend. I think it was a spontaneous thing but it did bug me a bit that I felt slightly out of the loop. And I've obviously made some bad calls in the past as to peoples trustworthiness. So im feeling a tad paranoid about choosing/judging wrongly. He has a good reputation as a human being within the community from many people including those he's dated previously. So, maybe im just worrying too much?

[ray]

Someday's, I look at myself and think, gosh I am FUCK-ed up!

And after getting out of my relationship with O, I feel even more damaged than I was before. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, in part because of a few injuries that have made it difficult for me to exercise. I'm all wounded up and constantly feel on edge. I found a chiropractor this morning and I'm going in later today. I hope that he can help put my back together (I'm like humpty-dumpty) and then I can get back to my physical routine. I did a bunch of writing and thinking this morning and that has helped me to clear my mind a bit.

I've been reading a lot lately about D/s relationships and other power exchange dynamics. The more I read about it, the more I feel like my relationship with O was a lot like a non-consensual D/s relationship. We were never equals in that relationship. He found me in a very vulnerable place and preyed upon my naivety.

Sometimes, when we would train, I would accidentally hit him. This happens a lot when you train. We all try to avoid it but mistakes happen. He had this thing where he would get kind of upset and stop what we were doing and intentionally hit me to "punish" me for hitting him. This was confusing to me. Sometimes I like getting hit and I often am hit in neutral ways for training. When he would do that, it made me feel uncomfortable and sad. It was not something I'd asked him to do or negotiated in anyway. I never asked him to stop because I felt bad that I hit him sometimes on accident and I justified it in my head by saying that it didn't matter because he didn't hit me that hard.

And there were times where he'd mess up and hit me in training. Once he hit me with an elbow to the back of the head and I had to go to the ER to get checked out for possibly having a concussion. Another time, he wanted to get fancy on a takedown and slammed me into the ground from 4 ft in the air, rotating my body so I unexpectedly fell face down, hitting my knee on the ground first. That left me in pain for a couple of months. When I would accidentally hit him, it was like oops, I tagged you with my knuckles and your lip is going to hurt for 5 minutes.

Thinking about all this really, really freaked me out.

Feeling like the line between consensual physical impact play and this was not clear to me. And I had to sit down and write out the differences, even though I know them in my head, it's still confusing emotionally. All the play that I've done, I've finished it and felt happy. With that, I never felt happy afterwards. I know that is enough of a difference but part of me just feels scared and upset. I guess I probably just need to process it all. I'm tired of the past sticking it's head in my business and making it difficult for me to enjoy the present.

[BlackUnicorn]

You are NOT fucked up. He most certainly sounds to be.

Unless you meant that physically. Is the back injured from training :(?

In my book, hitting another person in purpose for some kind of imagined 'retribution', 'punishment' or 'fairness' is just plain WRONG.

I am glad you are rid of him. And happy that learning about BDSM is helping you to learn about yourself and your past :).

[ray]

Well, I am fucked up physically as well, but I did mean in the emotional sense. Given my life experience, it's a miracle that I'm not completely batshit. My back has been injured for over a year now. I keep hoping that someday it'll go back to normal. It was kind of a stress/over training injury.

This week has been a difficult one. I've had to make some tough decisions but I think I made the right ones. My connection with Nurse was starting to create a lot of anxiety...not having a definition, him dragging his feet, not knowing what he wanted. I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me. He still needs time to heal from his breakup. I need stability and something that's well defined. So I decided that it would be best to take a step out for a bit. He really wanted to remain friends but after we put the kibosh on things I freaked out. My therapist recommended that I step out of the friendship as well for the time being. To give myself time to heal and not get stuck torturing myself more. So I sent him a message last night and told him. His message back made me cry. Well, I've been crying quite a bit this week anyway. I hope that soon I will feel well enough to reconnect. I miss him already. I'm guessing that a month or so is what I'll do.

I hate that I had to do that but I just need to take care of myself. And right now it hurts way too much to be close to the Nurse. He's really awesome and I want to get better soon, so that we can at least be friends again. He understood, not happy about it, but he gets it. He really doesn't know what he wants right now and that's really hard for me. Because I do know what I want. And that's being with him. But I can't have it so I need to be able to let go for the time being. :(

[SNeacail]

Hugs!

[ray]

Thanks! :(

[BlackUnicorn]

My connection with Nurse was starting to create a lot of anxiety...I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me...I need stability and something that's well defined.

...I just need to take care of myself...Because I do know what I want. And that's being with him. But I can't have it so I need to be able to let go for the time being. :(

I just wanted to highlight all the bits were you stated you needed something/had a personal revelation about your needs. Even when it created pain to have those needs met.

[ray]

Thanks BU,

As much as a part of my brain knows all of those things, there's another part that just hasn't been on board with all of this. It's been up and down. Today feels a bit more up.
And a lot of this has to do with other emotional trauma/mental health issues.

I had my surgery yesterday. Recovering today. I feel a lot better now that the anesthesia has totally worn off. That stuff is nasty! The pain isn't bad. Painkillers don't hurt either I suppose. :) Surgery went well, the only traumatic part was waking up. They weren't watching me very closely after I woke up and I felt very scared/disoriented and had a panic attack. I wasn't impressed with their reaction. In fact, I'll probably call and complain about it to customer service. I even put on my medical history that I have anxiety problems. They didn't really seem to care/know what to do. I was pretty out of it for most of the day yesterday.

Later in the evening, Sinclair came over and made me dinner. It was quite delicious and the conversation was good as well. And there's leftovers!

I had a good fourth of july. I spent it with Krav Maga friends. Shooting guns, taking lots of pictures, good food, beautiful mountains. :)

I got to talk to some other people about stuff with the Nurse and it got me to thinking. I would really like to make a friendship work and see what might come out of it. I'm just not sure of how I can do that healthily but I want to try. We're supposed to both be at a regional burning man festival in the middle of july, so we'll see other a bit then. I'd like to test out the waters and see how I do on a smaller scale though. Tonight, there's a TNG planning meet and if I go we'll both be at it. So I'll see how that goes. My main concern is that I don't want to get stuck pining and feeling tortured just so we can be friends. If we are friends it needs to be a positive contribution. Ari had mentioned in a thread somewhere that he has a hard time being friends with people that he has feelings for. I really struggle with this as well. But I remember that he said he made it work once and that while it was hard, he felt like it was worth it. Perhaps he can chip in. :P

The truth is that neither the Nurse nor I is in the best of positions to jump into a serious relationship. I don't feel comfortable being in an ambiguous one. I also really, really, really miss playing with him! And I want it back lol. Perhaps if we can set up good boundaries we can be friends and play partners in the not so distant future. I would really like that. But we'll see. It might not work. I'm also working hard to build friendships with a wide variety of people and I'm liking the impact that's having on my life. I'm feeling healthier in that regard. I think there a possibility in the future but that we should leave it alone until we're both more stable. Who knows, tomorrow, I may be in tears again and super depressed. At this point, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I can't be angry at myself for having emotions. They make me human. :)

[ray]

Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. Obviously, I won't give a play by play of everything that's happened.

Most importantly, I have been learning a lot about drawing lines. Sexual lines. Emotional ones. Time management ones. Lines of all kinds. Sometimes, I feel mean or demanding when I do that but I'm learning *slowly* that it can be the most compassionate thing to do. When you feel respected and fulfilled, you can be there more joyful for everyone else around you. Including yourself.

I suppose I am really learning how to take better care of myself. :)

The Nurse and I continue to roller coaster from friends to being angry to sad to normal. I'm getting to a point where soon, I may need to actually let go. I'm hoping that we can be play partners primarily and do that consistently. If we can find a good rhythm then I'd be happy to keep him in my life.

And then further complicating the situation....

So The Nurse's ex is M. M is now dating E and C. The Nurse, M and E used to be a triad at one point. Then it was a constellation of sorts with M in the middle and Nurse, E and C as the arms. Recently E and M broke contact with the Nurse. Before that had happened the Nurse had suggested that I talk with E about some personal stuff related to me. E and I struck up a friendship. Now, I am further exploring that with E as well as playing (kink) and also getting to know M more. The Nurse is not fully aware of this for a few reasons. 1) We're not dating or in a D/s relationship so I feel I have no real obligation to report who I hang out with. 2) He's been highly unpredictable and volatile as of late and I fear that he would not react well to the news. 3) He and I have been spotty and who knows if that friendship will even last. So why should I have to pick his side? I really don't think I should have to pick sides at all...

The Nurse keeps making plans with me and cancelling them. It's getting old. Sometimes he has a legit reason, sometimes he doesn't. Either, it's rude, inconsiderate and causes a lot of emotional upheaval.

He's also involved with someone else, P. They're supposedly play-partners and fuckbuddies. But I have heard that she really wants a real relationship from him but he doesn't know that's what she wants....blah blah drama drama
She's a royal mess and so is he and I want to be far, far away from the blast radius when that shit hits the fan. He seems to think commitment is hot lava right now and just wants to do whatever he wants. I don't disagree that he'd probably be best off single right now but he keeps starting up connections with people in which he acts like something he refuses to be. I feel fairly inclined to keep my distance emotionally until he gets his shit together and stops being such a flake.

In other news, the new semester is starting up and work is pretty busy. My hot pepper plants are finally growing peppers and my rosebush is blooming. I went to visit family for a week and had a surprisingly good visit. I also went to a regional burning man festival and had a cool experience. Hopefully someday I'll get to go to Burning Man. I've taken a Krav Maga hiatus until some injuries go away and it's easier to see my ex there. It was at the point where it was hurting more than it was helping so I've let that go for the time being. I have so much cleaning to do in the next few days before the semester starts. I spent a week house/bunny sitting for a friend. Toggling between two houses really isn't fun. Especially with no car.

I also have decided to take a break from dating until I feel a bit more confident in my ability to distinguish a good relationship from a bad one since apparently I don't seem to know too much about how to do that well.

[ray]

Since I dont want to post a long hijack in Black unicorns blog, I'll elaborate a bit more about my anxieties regarding love with vanillas. Until the last year or so, I hadnt experienced sexual attraction to a person. I am uncertain if I can be sexually aroused without some involvement of kink. Keep in mind that I still havent had sex. So I wont know more until I start to explore this more. I was very much in love with O but only experienced limited sexual arousal and it vanished entirely when he made it clear that he was unwilling to indulge my kinks. Could it work out with a GGG, loving vanilla partner? Yeah. As ive been getting involved in the kink scene, there is something really wonderful about connecting with folks who share those fantasies and desires. For me its more than a fetish or two. Its a creative, shared play space where really wonderful things happen. You can teach people how to spank, flog, use a tens unit, etc but you cant teach them that headspace. Some people just cant access it. Ive never been aroused by the thought of sex that didnt involve some kind of kink. That could change for sure. Im afraid that I couldnt have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who was only willing to have plain vanilla sex. I wouldnt write some one off just because they werent an active kinkster but if they rejected that side of me like my ex did, I want no part of it. That dynamic made me feel ashamed of who I am and did a lot of damage to my sexuality. If some one cant embrace that, I would feel incredibly unhappy. There are a lot of different needs when it comes to kink. Some people truly cant be aroused without it. Itd be cool if I find out thats not the category I fall into. But I have a feeling that I do.

Ive also tried to explain enough kinky things to vanilla friends and despite their best efforts not remotely understanding what im trying to say. Conversely, when they try to explain why vanilla sex is enough for them, I do not get it. While not the only part of a relationship, its still important. Id be scared of the vanilla partner rejecting a very deep part of my sexuality. Coming out to a partner can be very scary and after my last experience with that, im extremely hesitant to put myself through that again.

I also dont want you to think that all kinksters think that vanilla sex is dumb or boring as a whole for everyone. I certainly dont. I often feel quite inadequate that I am not aroused by it. I spent most of my life thinking I was a huge freak. There are a lot of
kinks that I find uninteresting the same as pure, vanilla sex. We are all aroused by different things. Its not that I think kink is superior, it just works best for me for reasons ive never been able to figure out :-)

[BlackUnicorn]

Sometimes, I feel mean or demanding when I do that but I'm learning *slowly* that it can be the most compassionate thing to do. When you feel respected and fulfilled, you can be there more joyful for everyone else around you. Including yourself.

Such an important point! Thanks for sharing.

So The Nurse's ex is M. M is now dating E and C. The Nurse, M and E used to be a triad at one point. Then it was a constellation of sorts with M in the middle and Nurse, E and C as the arms. Recently E and M broke contact with the Nurse. Before that had happened the Nurse had suggested that I talk with E about some personal stuff related to me. E and I struck up a friendship. Now, I am further exploring that with E as well as playing (kink) and also getting to know M more.

Polyamorous in-breeding - gotta love it!

Why did they stop talking to Nurse? General flakiness again?

I also have decided to take a break from dating until I feel a bit more confident in my ability to distinguish a good relationship from a bad one since apparently I don't seem to know too much about how to do that well.

Want to hava a really stupid piece of advice? Good relationships make you feel good for extended periods of time. Bad relationships make you feel bad for extended periods of time.

Until the last year or so, I hadnt experienced sexual attraction to a person. I am uncertain if I can be sexually aroused without some involvement of kink. Keep in mind that I still havent had sex. So I wont know more until I start to explore this more... Ive never been aroused by the thought of sex that didnt involve some kind of kink. That could change for sure. Im afraid that I couldnt have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who was only willing to have plain vanilla sex. I wouldnt write some one off just because they werent an active kinkster but if they rejected that side of me like my ex did, I want no part of it. That dynamic made me feel ashamed of who I am and did a lot of damage to my sexuality.

So you thought you were asexual? Or were you always certain that once you were to find your tribe and people to play with, you would sexually blossom?

I totally get your point. I wouldn't want to be involved with a person who had a huge beef with my bisexuality. I've been in two relationships where it was an issue and never want to do those again :(.

[ray]

M and E cut off contact with Nurse because having a friendship wasn't really working. It seemed like he just wasn't letting go of the relationship and he was still angry/passive aggressive about it ending. So, they decided to just remove themselves from the situation. Honestly, I think it was good. He needs space in order to really move on but wasn't allowing it for himself.

thanks for the advice. That is simple, but elegant. And terribly true. :)

in high school, I thought I might be asexual. Then, I realized I did have sexual thoughts, mostly pertaining to kink. For a long time, I didn't know there was a different between emotional and sexual attraction. It was only in the last year or so that I made that distinction. I've finally started to pick out who and what I am sexually attracted to. Its all starting to make sense!

[ray]

Life is a lot like a puzzle sometimes but lately, the pieces have begun to come together. I had a revelation recently...it may come as a shock :p


I've decided to be monogamous.

Not with any specific person, just in general, for the future. It's not something I've ever experienced. As I've examined myself and what I want from romantic relationships, I've concluded that monogamy would best suit me. I'd be open to non-sexual play (kink) with people outside the relationship but I only want to have there be one 'love' relationship going on at a time.

I think that having my first relationship be polyamorous and feeling like I needed myself to accept it even if it wasn't what I really wanted it. I felt a bit pigeon holed. Like I had ended up there and just needed to keep going down that road. Then, joining the kink community only encouraged that. Monogamy, there, is not the norm and it tends to be a bit looked down upon. As I continued to explore poly, it just felt less and less rewarding. I realized that I really want to be monogamous. I had just been denying myself something because I didn't believe I was worth it. Naturally, I still see poly as a valid option, just not for me personally at this juncture in my life.

In other news, Nurse and I are no longer speaking. He had a couple of angry outbursts, including a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way. He attempted to force me into friendship (after I'd expressed a desire to maintain my distance) with his girl toy and tried to get me to cut off my friendship with E and M. He has yet to apologize for his actions and I've decided that my life is better off without him in it. I don't want to be treated that way and life is too short to waste my time. In fact, after that traumatic scene and all the drama that arose from my conflict with Nurse and his girl toy, I've decided to take an indefinite hiatus from the kink community here in SLC. His girl toy spread false rumors about me and seems to love stirring the pot. I have no desire to be involved some place where people create drama and let it swirl around like Hurricane Katrina. Hence the dream where Nurse and GT got eaten by a bear. It was pretty satisfying.

I've dated a little bit in the last month or two, some good some bad but nothing really viable. Beanstalk (he's rather tall) and I went on two dates. I definitely felt attracted to him and really love hanging out but decided that pursing a romantic relationship probably wasn't a good idea. He's 36, recovering from a divorce (10yr relationship) and lives across the street. We appear to be developing a platonic friendship. :) Which I feel pretty good about. He's a fun and interesting person. He does audio stuff and is also a musician. He's fairly introverted and reserved but one on one we've had great conversations about deep things. Actually, I really love how introverted he is. It's refreshing. It's unfortunate that the circumstances aren't really right for something more. I'm glad to have met him though, hopefully we get to hang out more soon. :)

I also went on a date with a guy from OKC. We can call him Creeper. We went out for sushi and we clicked, were having good conversation and all. Then he started to be a bit more touchy. I have a pretty big personal space bubble with people and it was making me a little uncomfortable but I let it slide since he wasn't coming on very strong. We went to a bar and he tried to get me to hit on the female bartender which was a little awkward and not too classy. Then, we went and sat in a park near my house. He tried to bring me into kiss him and I told him that I didn't want to kiss him. He didn't want to take no for an answer and I repeatedly stated my position. He told me I was over-thinking it....:rolleyes: I told him I felt pretty sure. He tried to make me feel really guilty about telling him no. He definitely doesn't get a second date. In addition, he triggered some old anxieties about dating. This has totally killed any desire to date for the time being. Which works out since school is keeping me plenty busy. Still, it pisses me off. Stupid expectations...

I went to visit the Beanstalk for a few minutes today (brought him some stuff from my garden) and chatted for a bit. I told him about Creeper and how OKC was making me feel overwhelmed. Now that I'm not squashed with midterms, I might be able to be a bit more social with friends. While I was visiting, my energy levels just plummeted so I went home and made some dinner. Now, I'm relaxing and watching some TV. I'd hoped to get more school work done but I was definitely done for the night. :)

I also decided to apply to grad school for the fall. If all goes well, next year I will be pursuing my MSW. This coming week is our fall break. I will be doing lots of homework, grad school apps and cleaning. I also am getting a manicure on Monday lol. First time in 10 years. It feels so silly and frivolous but I want to try it. :) I'll probably go to million yoga classes too. Even though I've got a lot going on, I feel good about where things are and where they might go.

[BlackUnicorn]

Yay, I thought, an update to ray's blog!

I've decided to be monogamous.

You go girl!

Not with any specific person, just in general, for the future. It's not something I've ever experienced. As I've examined myself and what I want from romantic relationships, I've concluded that monogamy would best suit me. I'd be open to non-sexual play (kink) with people outside the relationship but I only want to have there be one 'love' relationship going on at a time.

I think that having my first relationship be polyamorous and feeling like I needed myself to accept it even if it wasn't what I really wanted it. I felt a bit pigeon holed. Like I had ended up there and just needed to keep going down that road. Then, joining the kink community only encouraged that. Monogamy, there, is not the norm and it tends to be a bit looked down upon. As I continued to explore poly, it just felt less and less rewarding. I realized that I really want to be monogamous. I had just been denying myself something because I didn't believe I was worth it. Naturally, I still see poly as a valid option, just not for me personally at this juncture in my life.

I think your introduction to poly and the particular circumstances around it have been so wildly different from pretty much everyone else on this forum's regulars that I am happy to hear you managed to get to the core of what you wanted despite being in such a "pro-poly" environment :).

...a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way. He attempted to force me into friendship (after I'd expressed a desire to maintain my distance) with his girl toy and tried to get me to cut off my friendship with E and M.

Wow, he sounds like a really unsafe play partner :eek:. Seems E and M knew what they were doing, taking their distance from him (are they women btw? are they included in the non-sexual play partner category or just friends?).

He told me I was over-thinking it....:rolleyes:.. He tried to make me feel really guilty about telling him no... This has totally killed any desire to date for the time being.

Roll eyes indeed. Not finding somebody attractive enough to want to make out with them equals over-thinking now :confused:? I'm sorry you keep having these negative expectations confirmed.

...how OKC was making me feel overwhelmed.

Why not take down your profile for a while? I just did on another dating site and it felt weirdly liberating.

If all goes well, next year I will be pursuing my MSW. This coming week is our fall break. I will be doing lots of homework, grad school apps and cleaning.

Masters in Social Work I take it? As we speak (well, figuratively speaking) I should be immersing myself in legislation studies and/or public accounting. Ah, sigh. My mum keeps phoning me and nagging about how I'm neglecting my studies due to the excitement of my new relationship with Vanilla. I think more than Vanilla, it's Doctor Who, this forum and an online game I'm immersed in that are eating away my study time.

I also am getting a manicure on Monday lol. First time in 10 years. It feels so silly and frivolous but I want to try it. :)

Just a regular manicure or fake nails? I've been to a beauty salon twice, the first time they maimed my face. I tried to learn from that, took a pedicure next time (it was arranged by my place of work) and the pedicurist went "You have some of the nicest feet I've ever seen. I don't know what do, there's nothing to do with this pair". I was flattered, in a way :D.

[Magdlyn]

ray, I just read your whole blog. Whew! :p

I think you said you were raised in a Christian cult? I wonder how that affects all your sexual feelings?

Also, I don't understand how people can do kink play and not have sex. It always gets me so horny, and I end up cumming anyway. Kink=sex, for me. I don't just feel satisfied with the endorphin rush. A few months ago, I had a 3rd date with a guy who loves to tie me down and tickle me. He got off on just that, but he only made me cum once and I had "blue balls" for 24 hours! It felt awful. I couldnt even masturbate until the confused feelings in my vajayjay went away.

Also, I don't understand how people can have a kink play partner and not consider themselves in a relationship. Kink play with one person, repeatedly, would seem to be so intimate, take lots of trust, and lead to strong feelings of closeness.

[ray]

I think you said you were raised in a Christian cult? I wonder how that affects all your sexual feelings?

Well, I was raised in a conservative evangelical home. I was involved in a few cult-like para-church organizations. Then, in 2009, I was in a cult, essentially. All of this really affected my views on sexuality. I also went to a very sex positive college for a year and half. So that had a big influence on me too. I'll have to do a more extensive blog post of some of that. it's a long story. :)

Also, I don't understand how people can do kink play and not have sex.

Also, I don't understand how people can have a kink play partner and not consider themselves in a relationship. Kink play with one person, repeatedly, would seem to be so intimate, take lots of trust, and lead to strong feelings of closeness.

Well, for me, kink usually turns me on quite a bit. In fact, it's one of the only things that does. Since I've never had sex, it's easier for me to play and not have sex. I'm still annoyed by how Nurse wanted to play AND act like an item but still not have a "relationship" of any kind other than "friends." Total bullshit. I did develop a sense of intimacy with him and was sort of miffed when that seemed to freak him out.

Wow, he sounds like a really unsafe play partner . Seems E and M knew what they were doing, taking their distance from him (are they women btw? are they included in the non-sexual play partner category or just friends?).

I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it. I guess he knows, he just chooses not to do it. And it's unpredictable too.... E and M are women and yeah, they're pretty smart. They are primarily friends. I've played a little with E. Nurse kept saying how badly they treated him after the break up but honestly, I'm more inclined to side with them. They're able to speak far more unbiasedly/unemotionally about it and given how poorly Nurse treated me, it's not much of a stretch to believe their stories.

I did take down my OKC profile. I figured OKC just doesn't work for me and that's ok. And I just had my nails painted. I hear those fake ones are a bitch to get off. I've had some good experiences, too, countering the bad ones. Beanstalk has been great, even though we decided just to be platonic. I had a fabulous, non-creepy experience on both of my dates with him.

[opalescent]

In other news, Nurse and I are no longer speaking. He had a couple of angry outbursts, including a scene where he neglected to tell me that he was furious at me but went ahead and beat the crap out of me any way.

I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it. I guess he knows, he just chooses not to do it. And it's unpredictable too.... E and M are women and yeah, they're pretty smart. They are primarily friends. I've played a little with E. Nurse kept saying how badly they treated him after the break up but honestly, I'm more inclined to side with them. They're able to speak far more unbiasedly/unemotionally about it and given how poorly Nurse treated me, it's not much of a stretch to believe their stories.

Ray,

The description of the scene above where he beat you out of frustration is scary. That is not the action of a DM in control of himself. It is not the actions of a respected player in a respected dungeon. Dominants/tops have to know themselves better than the subs/bottoms they play with; they have to be willing to go inside and look at their own stuff, understand it, and figure out how to manage that in scenes. Everyone makes mistakes, it's true, and it's impossible (I believe) to know all about yourself. But your friends, E and M, have seen a pattern which indicates that playing with Nurse might be dangerous for you and possibly other people too. And by dangerous, I don't mean just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. An irresponsible dominant can really fuck up their subs on so many levels.

You've already figured this out. I just wanted to encourage you to hang on to that insight.

[Magdlyn]

Well, I was raised in a conservative evangelical home. I was involved in a few cult-like para-church organizations. Then, in 2009, I was in a cult, essentially. All of this really affected my views on sexuality. I also went to a very sex positive college for a year and half. So that had a big influence on me too. I'll have to do a more extensive blog post of some of that. it's a long story. :)

Very interesting.

Oh Christians. I always get a kick out of the Christian denial of the flesh. Sex negative, often teetoalling and anti caffeine even.

Then those Catholics, who deny the flesh by self flagellating. LOL Flogging is its own fleshly rush.



Well, for me, kink usually turns me on quite a bit. In fact, it's one of the only things that does. Since I've never had sex, it's easier for me to play and not have sex.

I guess. BTW, congrats on the hymen surgery.

So you do get turned on, but then go home and play with yourself instead of just shagging the play partner? I hope you find a sensitive lover into both!

I'm still annoyed by how Nurse wanted to play AND act like an item but still not have a "relationship" of any kind other than "friends." Total bullshit. I did develop a sense of intimacy with him and was sort of miffed when that seemed to freak him out.

Yeah, he wasn't the right guy.



I did take down my OKC profile. I figured OKC just doesn't work for me and that's ok.

I took a 2 month break because of several things that went badly, but I am back trying again.

[nycindie]

I probably don't need to make excuses for him...he does have knowledge of how to be a safe player, in fact he's the head DM for one of the most widely respected play spaces in my city. He, does, however, have a really bad habit of not dealing with his emotions and allowing that to come out in play rather than just talking about it.
What is a DM - Dungeon Master? Is this a position that he had to earn somehow or gets paid for? I would think that if people are staying away from him because he has problems managing his anger which then could lead to something dangerous, he shouldn't be in that position anymore. Can he be ousted somehow?

[ray]

What is a DM - Dungeon Master?

A DM is a dungeon monitor. They are security/assistants/firstaid etc at play parties. Mostly, they just observe and make sure everything happening is ok. They have the authority to stop a scene if they feel it's unsafe and they're available to help out if need be. I'm actually a DM or was, since I'm not really part of the community these days. In order to become one around here, you take a class and BAM, you're a DM.


Can he be ousted somehow?

Unfortunately, I feel like my hands are tied. He's very popular in the community among people he hasn't dated. Everyone that he's dated can't seem to stand him and thinks he's a giant douche. He's also a real nurse so that lends him credibility. The community is highly political and he's been there a long time. I don't think any one would believe/listen/care enough to oust him. I don't have that kind of power. I'm pretty sure that if I tried, I'd probably be the one to take the hit, not him. :(

Obviously, that has led me to feel cynical about the community here given the kind of folks that are in "leadership."

An irresponsible dominant can really fuck up their subs on so many levels.


This is terribly true. I do feel traumatized by what happened. The emotional wounds last far longer than the bruises. :(

So you do get turned on, but then go home and play with yourself instead of just shagging the play partner? I hope you find a sensitive lover into both

Me too! I'm tired of blue balling myself. :p

[Magdlyn]

Me too! I'm tired of blue balling myself. :p

Yeah. I dated several guys, in 09 and last year, who called themselves subs or Doms. All the Doms seemed to just be guys with weird ideas about sex, we didnt do "kink" per se (BD or SM), but they needed sex in these precise, unorganic ways. Do this, do that, not like that, touch me here, not there, "you're my slut," blow me for an hour. One even started snapping photos of me without asking my permission!

It's very hard to find a sensitive Twue Dom.

At least the subs were nicer. But they couldnt fuck. The ones I dated also didnt enjoy a nice beating...

Bleh.

[nycindie]

I have wondered if it's better for kinksters to look for people who broadcast being a Dom, Sub, or whatever they're into, OR to take a chance with getting to know someone who considers themselves vanilla and just incorporate kinky stuff into the sex you have once there's a relationship established. I mean, given a choice between a relationship that is founded upon kinky sex, or a relationship that is founded on caring and healthy communication, to which kinky sex is added, I think I'd rather have the latter.

For example, neither Lively nor myself would ID as kinky, really, nor go looking for partners in the BDSM community. I just consider myself someone who will take part in a few kink-ish things to keep sex spicy, but I highly doubt I'd ever find myself in a dungeon doing kinky shit in front of other people (I have thought about going just to watch, out of curiosity, though). Lively is very conservative in many ways and wouldn't go for that either. He has a few hangups and is very very straight in his thinking about about sex and relationships. That doesn't mean we only have missionary sex for ten minutes, though! Au contraire! Last time we were together (a week ago), I asked him to slap me in the face and he did it a few times. It obviously was new to him and it was exciting to both of us. Last night while we were fucking and he was on top, he slapped me without being asked, and it was completely unexpected for me! I got so turned on.

So, Ray, I guess my point is don't limit yourself in dating and relationships. Vanillas can be trained. ;)

[ray]

You know, Indie, I recently decided to try and find me a nice, nilla boy. :) I figured I can educate him about what I like, just like any one should do when they find a new sex partner. I had been hoping that Beanstalk would work out but that experienced helped me realize that I actually felt really good about dating guys outside of the kink community proper. When I get involved, I've decided that I want a boyfriend with a capital B. It seems to be where I've wanted every relationship to go and it's never gone and I'm tired of it. I want some one to be really into me. For right now, I feel good being single but I feel like I'm finally able to say what I want without feeling bad about it.

@Magdlyn, I, too, have met a lot of kinky guys that were a bit off... Control issues... all kinds of stuff. I am super curious to check out different kink communities and see if I have better luck in another place. I've also come to terms with the fact that I have a very rewarding life outside of the kink community and for now my time is better invested there.

[ray]

Oh my, today has been a bit rough. I got demoted at work. I felt a bit ambushed as I never got feedback on the issues so that I could attempt to fix it. I teach computer lessons and work on the sales floor. Apparently some customers had complained about their lessons over the last few months but I was never notified or anything. Then this morning, I'm handed a paper with a list of customer complaints dating back a couple of months. I'd switched operating systems at home right around the time I'd gotten the job so it had been tough to stay up to date on new software and practice stuff. In addition, there were multiple occasions where I asked for additional training and was blown off. So, I'm hurt and upset. I'm also looking for a new job since I don't really feel like I can trust my bosses after they spent a couple of months compiling reasons to demote me without ever giving me a chance to respond to feedback.

On a more positive note, I turned in my first grad school application. I've got two more due later. Let's hope I get in somewhere! It's such a nerve-wracking process, wondering if you'll get in and all that business. I feel hopeful but I don't want to be too disappointed if I don't get in. If I don't, then I'll work for a year and reapply. With the field I'm applying to, work experience is fairly important so that would probably due the trick. It's really the only major weak spot in my application. It's crazy to think about moving across the country or where ever. Part of me feels ready to move on and part of me really loves it here. I've applied to the school I already attend, so I might end up stay. It does, however, definitely feel good to start moving on with life. I'm graduating in May (finally!).

I've been turning down guys to date lately. For one thing, I'm way busy with school until the end of the semester and after Beanstalk, I have a better idea of the chemistry level I want in guys I continue dating. I still can't get Beanstalk off my mind. Even when I try not to I still end up thinking about him a lot. Feel free to chime in with opinions on this one. So initially, we decided to keep it platonic because

1) He's 36, I'm 22.
2) He's about a year out of a divorce (10 yr relationship)
3) He lives across the street

We're still in touch and hang out on occasion but I have such a tough time focusing because all I want to do is cuddle up and kiss him. Not only do I desperately want to jump his bones, but he seems to be a pretty decent human being and we have quite a bit in common.
Part of me wants to ask him if he'd reconsider and part of me worries that it couldn't possibly be a good idea. I know that the worst he can say is no but I'm feeling rather sensitive these days to rejection so I'm not sure I want to open myself up to that.

In the meanwhile, to keep myself occupied, I keep fantasizing about a professor of mine :eek: He's older and has that dominating aura that I find so sexy. He's older ie 50 and married so it's not something I would ever bring to reality but it sure is fun to think about. Does that make me a total lecher? lol It's actually a really great graduate seminar thing and I'm learning a lot, sexual fantasies aside. ;)

I'm still on hiatus from kink after the scene with Nurse. I haven't even gotten back on fetlife although I do follow lots of kinky people on twitter. Just has less drama than fetlife right now. I also want to feel in control of people sexualizing me. I am starting to feel better sexualizing myself in fantasies but I'm not feeling that comfortable with others doing it. Although....Beanstalk might be an exception if he were willing. I realized that I want sex and love to be connected so I'm going to wait until I get into a mono relationship to try the things I consider 'sexual.' I define it broadly because to me spanking is sex just as much as intercourse or any other form. Or a few other kinky things as well. Some kinks, while I enjoy them, aren't necessarily all that sexual for me. Such as suspension bondage or electricity or interrogation. Certainly they could be, but they don't have to be.

This next month will be intense. I've got lots of writing to do which means lots of reading as well since it's research stuff. I feel like I'm almost at the tippy top a rollercoaster and in a few breaths I'm going to be free falling and screaming at the top of my lungs, waiting to hit the bottom of the curve. I'm excited for the future though. It feels good to be making decisions and getting things done.

[nycindie]

Interrogation!!??? My lordy, people interrogate each other for sexual kicks? Geez, that would feel like torture for me, and not good torture. Wow, LOL.

Anyway, it sounds very healthy and positive how you are asserting yourself and taking the reins in expressing your sexuality and how you want to be in relationships. Good for you. And all the best with your grad school applications! My cousin just got her doctorate after many years of grad school and I am so excited for her (she's a biologist). And my sister just started grad school for computer programming. It is such an accomplishment -- and a commendable goal.

[ray]

Lol, yeah interrogation is a thing. I've done a little and I definitely liked it. Depending on who I do it with it can be sexual or not. It doesn't always have to involve beating :P It's a very creative form of play with loads of possibilities. In fact, before I embarked on my indefinite play hiatus, I was planning an interrogation scene with an experienced player in the area. I'm a bit bummed that I don't feel like following through on it right now.

Thanks! I feel like my life is starting to pick up momentum. I hope that I can keep it going and find the things I'm looking for.

[ray]

This post could definitely use some advice. I have a current conundrum along with my update. Right now, I'm finishing up finals and I've been reasonably stressed out between school, a new birth control pill, preparing for the holidays, applying to grad school, dating and all that jazz. I'm almost done. I have one more paper due on Thursday and then I can finally relax, sort of. :) I'm excited to be going back to NY for Christmas for the first time in a couple of years. It'll be good to see my new nephew and my niece who's grown so much! My grandparents are also having a lot of health problems so I'll be glad to see them especially!

In more scandalous news, I think I might want to have sex. Like really really soon. But I feel fairly conflicted. So awhile back, I decided to identify as monogamous and in my mind, I wanted that to mean that I didn't have sex with some one unless they wanted to be my boyfriend. In general, I wanted to avoid getting physically involved with some one period unless we were in a more committed dynamic. My friend E (one of Nurse's exes) had also decided to go monogamous when I did. Then a month or so later she ended up in another poly relationship. This one definitely seems to be a million times more healthy than the last but it made me wonder about my commitment to monogamy. Maybe I should just be whatever until I find that one? Like poly as a phase? But I resolved myself to monogamy, saying it was the healthiest option for me.

Not long after all of this transpired, I'd begun to feel a lot of anxiety with dating and had essentially stopped. The birth control was making me wig out and bringing up all these old fears and memories. So I'd stopped seeing the guys I was hanging out with and resolved to be really cautious since I was feeling anxious. Then one night, I was at a party at my neighbor's and for that night and the few times prior, I'd felt like this one guy, Ken (one my roommate's best friends), was maybe hitting on me but he was so attractive (like network television) that I figured I'd been imagining it. Then, we were alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. We ended up making out it the bathroom for a bit and then he suggested we go back out for a bit, so I figured we were done. I went back out but he continued to hang out in the kitchen alone, like he was waiting for me to come back in but I just couldn't. I felt kind of scared because I didn't know what he was intending and what I was comfortable with esp. since I was drunk. So, I went home and he and I haven't discussed it since then. But now, I feel super lusty towards him and have been kind of wanting to see if he'd be interested in hooking up again. I'm just afraid that he'll be mad that I freaked out last time or that he won't want to have sex with me because I'm inexperienced or that it's probably not even a good idea since we're in the same social circle. I don't know that I really want a relationship with him. I'm just not good at not getting attached so I don't know if I can just have an casual hookup and then go on dating other guys and not want something more with him? I feel conflicted because I'd like my first time to be in relationship but I also want it to be soon. I'm getting tired of waiting and I don't want to get super involved with some one right now since I might be moving out of state soon. I know that he's not my only option but he's super sexy and seems somewhat interested in kink or at least rough sex and he also seems like a decent human being. What if I really could just be like "let's have fun sex!" and then just not get involved? Brrrrr, I dunno.

Then, I'm going to coffee with a guy from fetlife on Sunday, so we'll see how that goes. He's new to the community.

I still pine a bit over Beanstalk but he's dating some one else now and he admitted that the age difference was a big deal for him.

I was so excited this summer when Nurse and I were together because I thought I was finally going to have sex and join the rest of the world, lol. I was super bummed when that fell through. Then, I'd hoped that Beanstalk and I might have sex but I knew pretty soon in that that wouldn't happen. Is it horrible that I'm conspiring to seduce Ken at a party while he's a bit drunk? I'm trying to assess if going through with this (if I get the opportunity) is something that I'll feel happy about afterwards.

Maybe my definition of monogamy needs revising? Maybe I miscalculated what was best for me? But it feels so hard to know... What if I just keep ending up in poly like E?

[opalescent]

I was a virgin until I was 24. I didn't plan it - i wasn't waiting for marriage or anything. It just happened that way. I was very sheltered, went to a private Christian school, and was very, very shy. Looking back at it, waiting that long was good for me. I had sex with my first girlfriend - we weren't serious but it was a real relationship and not a casual hook up. I believe now that having sex in my teens might have been damaging to me. I was so young and immature for my age. I had time to develop sexual ethics before I had sex which was a very good thing for me. Beloved however had sex at 13 and does not regret having sex at that young age at all.

Based solely on what you've posted here, purely casual sex might really bother you as a first time experience. I get the sense you might regret that being the setting for your first sexual foray - not because you are waiting for marriage or traditional monogamy but because emotional connection is something you appear to greatly value. And something more casual, less connected may not suit you right now (or ever).

[SNeacail]

All I have to say about when to have sex, is wait until it feels right to YOU and don't feel pressured by anyone else.

As for the poly vs mono thing - stop painting yourself into a box, drop the labels. Not wanting to have casual sex doesn't mean you aren't poly nor does it mean you are specifically mono, it just means that you don't want casual sex. It almost sounds like "committing" to a specific relationship style is stressing you out. If you do get in a relationship, then you will need to discuss these things with your partner, but until then trust your instincts and just be you, even if that means your mono one month and poly the next, etc.

[ray]

Thanks guys!

Well, and there's no one pressuring me, really. Mainly, I've just got two voices in my head. One that wants to go for it and one that's not sure. I come from a Christian background and I'm pretty sure that's one of the big reasons why I've had a lot of hesitations over the years. All of the religious anxiety has finally lifted. :)

I think it's very possible that if I went more casual I could regret but at the same time part of me really is curious. Maybe the birth control is making me hornier?? Lately, I've actually been turned on by the thought of having vanilla sex. That never used to happen!

And that's a good point about the labels. Part of me wants to have it all figured out but I guess i can't expect everything to be all neat and tidy like that. I still have a lot to learn about myself. And changing to do.


I think I might get some condoms just in case though. ;)

[BlackUnicorn]

You are turning into a regular sex fiend, girl ;)!

[ray]

When I think of where I was when I started this blog, I am so proud of how far I've come in the last year or so. I started it out in the midst of a heart-wrenching breakup/breakdown and felt like I had no control over my life or where I was heading. Today, I am far happier, healthier and more in control than I ever could have dreamed. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, support and advice. I feel like the blog has come to the end of its run and I wanted to write a closing post.

I don't foresee polyamory playing a role in my dating life. I feel happy with my choice of monogamy although I am currently too busy to do much dating. I do feel like I learned some good lessons about communication and not making assumptions from my forays into poly. I'm glad to have gotten such insight into the poly community and I hope to be able to use those experiences in my future career.

Recently, I was accepted into an awesome graduate program and of course, I accepted. I'm excited for my future career and can't wait to get started on my Master's. I'm going to be leaving SLC towards the end of May. I'm really going to miss it here. I have so many memories and I will always treasure this place. In the next two years, I'll get to live in different cities and work with some of the best researchers/practitioners in my field. There are a lot of unknowns stepping into this but I am excited to see what the future holds. It'll be awesome to get to concentrate on my studies and gain lots of experience in my practicums.

Right now, I definitely have full plate. Finishing the current semester, getting closure to relationships here in SLC, making travel arrangements, selling off my belongings, and many other things. I've dated a little on and off in the last few months but nothing has really materialized. I'm glad, in some ways, because a relationship would have made it that much harder to leave. I still haven't had sex yet but I feel confident that an opportunity will come sooner or later. :) In the meantime, I'm not really in a rush. Although, I'd be open to having a fling before I leave SLC. I'm probably too busy though.

I came to this forum when I began my relationship with O in the summer of 2010. I'm so glad that this place was here as a resource. It provided a lot of valuable information that was difficult to get in other places. The relationship was doomed from the start but I did benefit some what from having frames of reference here. I feel like my time here is coming to a close and that life is taking me in different directions. I don't know if I'll give up the Word Association Game, lol... In any case, thank you to everyone, I appreciate all of you and wish you the best in the future. :)