What have I gotten myself into?

[pollyshari]

If you keep blowing off your friend, you know the one who you think should be ok being stood up or second shelved because they know you just a lot stuff going on? Repeatedly!! Afterall they know you love 'em. (you proclaim it in text messages every day) <3 They know you have hang ups but they show you love unconditionally, so it will be ok.

You better start treating them with the same respect you want to be given. Or they will stop trying to make you feel important. They’ll give up, or maybe they will start feel all creepy & stalkery. They may still love you, but they will start to realize that they aren’t that important to you.

Unless, of your course, you have been trying to give them the hint. In that case I guess you will be relieved when they finally take it.

Either way.

You know I am venting right? The sarcasm didn't give me away did it? <3

[pollyshari]

Just talked to Bear ( We finally have a pet name for each other). It was hard to get up the courage. I called her this morning and chickened out. Sent her a text an hour later that just said, "I need to talk." She called me immediately which made me feel better, at least she places some value on our relationship because I was starting to feel that she didn't.

Then forming the words into cohesive sentences as I start to tremble <nerves>.

Making plans with her is difficult. She stood hubby up last night, well sort of, she kept in touch with him and let him know she might not make it. But this is seeming like a habit. Which, in turn, makes me feel like our relationship is not that important or that she doesn't really want a relationship at all or that she is not getting what she needs and since she doesn't tell me I can only wonder. I finally told her that.

Why was that so hard to say? I think all three of us are standing in uncharted water, up to our knecks. And I don't want to drown. I don't think the problem is solved, I am still not sure that any of us knows what it is. But I think we all have our buckets out and ready to work on it. Maybe we are clinging to tightly to our life jackets.

I told her that I am perfectly happy if she and hubby spend time along together, I encourage it and embrace it. And if she wants more she can have it. Her response was that her relationship is with both of us. I told her I saw it differently, her relationship with him, my relationship with her, my relationship with him and the relationship between the three of us. I don't think that she realizes that I see things this way. The reason I brought it up is because I do believe that she holds back on her relationship with hubby so as not cross any boundaries with me. She respects me. She said she needs to talk with hubby now and she will call me later.

Being a bi woman, I think that my passion for my man is just as important as my passion for her. I need time with him alone (and I get plenty of it). I think alone time between him and her is just as important. I want her to have it and enjoy it to the fullest. I don't always need to be (or want to be) in the middle. I think the triad relationship as whole would benefit from a strong bond between the two of them. This is only my opinion and they may disagree. Is it possible that we will become a V with me as the hinge? Well anything is possible. However, I do believe that she wants him and is in love with him.

He has suggested that they make plans to be alone, but she told him to "go home and (blank) your wife. I think that statement screams loudly that she is uncomfortable about it. I just don't know why, and I hate guessing. On the other hand, they have had some time alone when he picks her up and they are driving between houses and they have had some shopping trips together. I know she has enjoyed it because she has openly told me that she "had so much fun hanging out and just having with him" after their day of getting hair cuts together and going shopping. No hubby is not gay and he has never gone for haircuts with me.

I think it boils down to the appearance of infidelity. They both somehow think if they have a night together without me it is some form of cheating. Although they have had sex while I was in the shower, I heard them when I got out and I just turned on the blow drier for a while. Another time while I was cooking breakfast for the family and they were have a lazy morning. But again I am still in ear shot so they aren't really alone.

It is easier for us two gals to have a very special love just between the two of us. I think it is less complicated because neither one of us think we are stepping on his territory, she thinks she is stepping on mine. Hubby worries about how I feel way too much also. I want this this to work for all three of us and if I didn't want them to be able to have a complete relationship with each other, I wouldn't be doing this. No one needs to be short changed here.

[pollyshari]

Wow, what a day. I don't think this is gonna work out. Makes me sad.

When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.

[azrael]

I can imagine it is very sad to be under the impression that things may not be working. It sounds like you are communicating your feelings clearly within your triad. Just keep up your communication with both of them. It sounds like she is not being completely open about her feelings. Hopefully you all will grow from this experience and everything will work out.

[nycindie]

Wow, what a day. I don't think this is gonna work out. Makes me sad.

:( What happened?

[pollyshari]

I have been having a hard time being poly lately. I remember longing for it, I remember embracing it. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (about 10 weeks ago. I had to stop loving her. She turned out to be someone who lacked some necessary boundaries. My children were affected. That is really the major problem for me now. I am sick about it. My kids were hurt by my decision to bring another lover into my life. I find myself hearing my fathers voice telling me, "Well you are living a life of perversion and you made this happen with your choices..... If you followed God's laws this wouldn't have happened". In a away, he would be right.

I miss her. I miss what we had, or what I thought we had. It was one the most beautiful times of my life. I was so happy. I want that beauty in my life again. At what expense?

[pollyshari]

I always assumed this relationship wouldn't be the same forever. I knew that eventually she would move on. But I also believed that it wouldn't be the end, it would just be different. I thought that we would always love each other and be a part of each others lives. I imagined being a part of her life, not a major part but we would talk from time and she would tell me about some of her happy times and her sad times and I would be happy or sad with her. And vice versa. What an amazing love I had. It is really a shame that things turned out the way that they have.

I suppose that is why I want to remain open to the idea of dating again. Hubby keeps telling that it isn't the wrong choice to love another, she just wasn't the right person. "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs.....".

I know he is right. But I feel responsible for not protecting my children. Well, who knows how old my kids will be when/if I ever find someone I am interested in again. Maybe just shouldn't worry about it for a while.

[AnnabelMore]

What was the impact on the kids, if I may ask?

[BrigidsDaughter]

I was wondering that myself.

[pollyshari]

I am concerned about saying too much on a public forum on the internet. Let's just say that what she did is considered a crime. My son is 16.

[dingedheart]

How did you find out?

[pollyshari]

Well, I had a suspicion. She had started tickling him and rough housing with him. I asked her what the nature of the relationship with my son was. She smiled and said, "Oh please don't worry about anything like that. He reminds me of my little brother and I miss my family [her hometown is about 1500 mi away] and he just makes me think of what hubby must have been like when he was young. I love him like a little brother."

A few days later I had to go out of town for a week. A few days after I returned I overheard my 2 boys fighting, the younger one [14] told his big brother to go away and leave him alone or he was going to tell mom and dad what big brother and my gf were doing. Big brother became very angry and shoved l'il bro's desk over and went off angrily to his room. I cannot describe the pit in my stomach. They had no idea that had overheard anything.

I waited a few minutes and went to l'il bro's room and started helping him clean up. As we were putting things away I told him I had heard what he said and wondered if he would tell me what he meant. With hesitation he told that he heard something. When I asked what he heard he said he could hear them doing it. (My God, who knows how long he would have carried this secret with him). I said what exactly did you hear? He said he could hear the sex noises coming from big bro's bedroom and she was in there. I didn't push for any more details, this information was enough for me to know that it was time for her to leave my family.

[dingedheart]

I don't have to tell you this could be a pretty big deal...right. Have you had a talk with the 16yr old and did he know you were having sex with this girl prior?

[AnnabelMore]

I'm so sorry Polly, what a terrible shock and violation of trust. Your ex-gf has major problems and should seek help. :( :(

But you couldn't have known. You are not to blame. Many women who've lived perfectly "normal" lives -- hetero, mono -- have had to deal with the awful reality of their partner trying something with their kids. Sometimes people are just damaged. It doesn't mean that what you and she had wasn't real, just that there was a damaged side to her you didn't know about. You did the right thing by cutting her loose right away. As sick as it makes me to say, not every woman in your position does the same...

[pollyshari]

It is a very big deal. Yes, he has been aware of our relationship for a while. I am sure he feels ashamed. But, and maybe I am naive, I don't blame him for this. He had actually come to me a few times and told me that he didn't like her, that she was causing to much drama and he didn't want her around anymore. I asked him what he meant and he would just say that we, (dad and I) were different now. We were different, but there was no unusual drama. Certainly there was the occasional misunderstanding or something, but not ever a big deal.

Hubby and I decided that we didn't want to make a huge deal out of the break up or the reason behind it. So we just simply told her that it wasn't working and listed some legitimate things but did not mention that we knew as we did not want her saying anything to the kids. Big brother didn't even know we knew. She was terribly hurt and told me that I was the worst person that she had ever known. It took every ounce of restraint that I had not to scratch her eyes out. We had a great deal of her stuff stored at our house for her as she had had to downsize to a smaller apartment. So we arranged for her to come over and get it. Her anger with me and hubby was evident while she was here getting some stuff she was saying some pretty crappy things. At one point I saw big brother walk over to her and quietly say, you had better not mess with my family or I will burn you down. I knew what he meant, even though neither them that I knew. She then actually proceeded to physically shove him and scream crazily at him. At this point my adult son stepped in and told her to back the eff off.

At the end of the following day, big brother commented on what great day it had been because it was so stress free. I took this as an opportunity to talk to him. I asked him why her presence had caused so much stress for him He did admit something had happened and in very few words told me that she had put a lot of pressure on him, repeatedly, over time. Essentially she wouldn't give up, and he is a 16 yr old boy [who I believe was a virgin]. It became all to clear to me why the age of consent laws are in place. I could sense his anxiety, I recognized it from my youth and having boys and a few perverted old men try to convince me that I wanted it when I really was freaked out by their advances.

I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to cause any drama. He was protecting me from my heart being broken.

Once she and all of her things were gone and there was no longer any reason for either to contact each other I sent her an email and told that I knew about everything and that she had better not even attempt to contact my son in any way, even if he contacts her first. She of course denied it, in the same sentence she also said that the their feelings were mutual. That all she was doing in his room was helping him with homework. Then she later told me that she had retained an attorney. What ever that is supposed to prove. Anyway my son did show me the proof of the naked pic's she sent him, but he didn't want to go to court, but if he needed to he would divulge everything.

[AnnabelMore]

Wow, it sounds like you handled things with amazing sensitivity.

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.

Your ex is either delusional or completely amoral. :( I'm sure you'll continue to be very alert and careful, just in case she does anything crazy.

It sounds like your son is very strong, despite the manipulation he fell prey to. I think he will be ok.

[pollyshari]

Annabelle your words a very comforting. Thank you. I keep telling myself that while I don't the "normal" boundaries in my marriage it doesn't mean that I have no boundaries. What consenting adults do is one thing. What she did is completely different. When I saw the anger and rage he had towards her (which he was finally able to show when she was here gathering the last of her things) I knew that he had been carrying the anger around with him.

[SourGirl]

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.


I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12. To much time passed, and not a damn thing they could do about it.

pollyshari :

I am so sorry to read what you and your family have been through. :(
I think you handled it with a level of class, most people wouldn`t be able to find in their pain and sadness.
I also think the lesson you have taught your son ( by getting rid of this woman immediately.) will help him as an adult more then you can ever know right now.

Cyber hugs.

[AnnabelMore]

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old)

I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12.

Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend. I had a couple of close calls as a young teen (inappropriate camp counselor, young adult male who pretended to be my friend and then almost assaulted me) but I'm extraordinarily lucky that I managed to get away without being harmed.

[dingedheart]

I guess I'm ok with pointing out the obvious sexism here. If a guy did this to a 16 yr girl everyone would want his head on a pike ...me included. Why?

Whats next for the boys? You may want to talk to a therapist and layout what happened and find out the possible problems and what to look for down the road.

[pollyshari]

In our state the age of consent law has a "Romeo and Juliet" clause. So that a person who is Senior in high school is not charged with statuatory rape if he is dating someone who is a Sophmore etc.

[pollyshari]

Oh yes dinged, I have thought about that many times. For instance, if she had a child, and hubby had done something like that to her kid, she probably would have called the police immediately. Hubby would be considered a disgusting pervert by all.

I am afraid of the counseling thing, because I have very little credibility in the real world with my alternate life style and all. I am afraid that I would get a do gooder therapist who found their legal responsibility to report the crime enhanced by the fact that I am poly-bi. So still working on it. Plus, I know my boy and he is going to resist it. It seems to me that I need to get them some help.

[dingedheart]

I understand your fear and reluctance, however you have a responsibility as a parent and as the person who brought this women into their lives. Are you afraid of legal action be taken against the women? Or are you afraid of putting your family and extended family through such an embarrassing and traumatic ordeal?

My suggestion would be to find a lawyer and discuss those fears. They know therapists, and people who can at least guide you on how to proceed or what warning signs to look for ...as far as behavior from the boys.

[AnnabelMore]

Pressing charges against someone who has victimized you sexually can be empowering or it can be a nightmare. Not everyone needs or wants that type of closure (not that closure is ever a given in these cases, as many times the perpetrator gets off), and for some it can be more traumatizing than the original abuse, especially if it becomes a big public affair or drags on for years. It's a very individual decision for the person who had been wronged.

Now, this is a difficult situation because the person who was abused is not an adult. Polly does indeed have a responsibility to decide what's best for him. But I think all of the above should be taken into consideration before assuming that a court case will necessarily help her son.

On the other hand, it might help other young men -- if the ex gets labeled as a sex offender, it'll be harder for her to get into such a position again.

Tough, tough call.

[dingedheart]

I was not suggesting anyone press charges. I was talking about her responsibility for the mental health of the boys ...that's it. Whats done is done ...if punishment was the goal or their was a pattern or multiple victims and a concern it would happen to others I could see the dilemma someone faced with those choices. I don't think that's the case here. It sounds to me like she afraid what the "system" may do on its own....and that things may spin further out of control. And I get that...and it could be a legitimate concern. However I'm sure there are ways around that. But you won't know unless you ask the right people the right questions. Bottom line she'd be asking for help for 1 or 2 young boys...

All that being said I don't think the solution is to do nothing because it maybe embarrassing and hope it all works out in the end. I think she knows that and is she's just over whelmed right now.


I wish you and your family the best of luck in this troubling time. D

[SourGirl]

I was not suggesting anyone press charges. I was talking about her responsibility for the mental health of the boys ...that's it. Whats done is done ...if punishment was the goal or their was a pattern or multiple victims and a concern it would happen to others I could see the dilemma someone faced with those choices. I don't think that's the case here. It sounds to me like she afraid what the "system" may do on its own....and that things may spin further out of control. And I get that...and it could be a legitimate concern. However I'm sure there are ways around that. But you won't know unless you ask the right people the right questions. Bottom line she'd be asking for help for 1 or 2 young boys...

All that being said I don't think the solution is to do nothing because it maybe embarrassing and hope it all works out in the end. I think she knows that and is she's just over whelmed right now.


^^ This.

[redpepper]

Wow Pollyshari. I feel for you. When you first posted you said you miss what you had and miss her, yet she violated your family and especially your son. I can't imagine what it might feel like to have those two conflicting feelings inside. My heart goes out to you.

I have a boy too, 8, when my bf and I were in serious NRE he was accused of such things that happened to your child by my parents. They got our family doctor involved and a whole production of proving he wasn't being harmed happened. It was really hard on all of us, but at least it wasn't true and that has been proven.

I have a son that would also not be willing to go to therapy. He has a really hard time talking about his feelings. We have worked hard to instil the importance of doing so, as I am sure you have also.

I am thinking back to the time that we went through the accusations put on my bf and remember that I had decided that if there was ever a reason to send him to therapy that I would find someone suitable, make an appointment for myself and that person first so as to explain something of the situation and that my boy would likely be unapproachable. Then I would let him know that the opportunity is available at any time to talk about it with this person and/or to take it to the police (he has evidence that should be kept safe too btw). Then I think I would leave it in his hands and let him know that I will be revisiting it in a set amount of time to see where he is at.

My brother was violated by a man when he was young and he didn't do anything about it. He told know one. He told me as an adult and let me know that he finally let the police know in our home town. He dealt with that all on his own and got to a place where he was able to have some release.

Its maybe not over yet. Your boy might some day do something about what happened. At the very least he knows that you are there to walk with him in that journey if he so chooses. I think that is very courageous of you. I commend the job you've done so far.

What will you do as far as being poly now? I can imagine it will be very difficult to invite anyone new into your life for a long time. Are you processing that at the moment?

[dingedheart]

WOW, RP you are truly an advocate for the cause.....how or why would anyone being thinking of their poly future at a time like this. What good would come from such processing with these other balls in the air. Are you not seeing the big picture here.....aside from how it might disrupt the poly side of things.


Here's quick thought ...less thinking about poly and more thinking about the health of 2 young boys

[pollyshari]

I do realize as a mother that I need to help him find resources to work this out. I feel terribly guilty for bringing this woman into my life, and my son's life. I keep telling myself that with all of the love that I get from hubby and my boys, why did I need to bring anyone else into my family. I feel that I was selfish and greedy, how much love do I need? I am surrounded by love and people who won't hurt my kids so why did I even risk it? The flip side to that is, should I never make any new friends because I already have enough so why risk having anyone new around, cuz ya never know if they are the boogie man or not.

Pressing charges is something he doesn't want to do. Believe me, having her charged is something that I would do if it was only going to affect me. My anger and outrage toward her is very real. He told me that he doesn't want to go through the drama of it all BUT, if she caused problems for us in some way (as retaliation for throwing her to the curb) he would be willing to fight back to protect our family.

Right now, he just says that he wants to put it behind him...just move on. He doesn't understand the long term effect this can have on his own personal relationships in the future. Plus I wonder how guilty he feels for doing it with my lover, I am sure he feels responsible for my pain....so I didn't let him see it. All I let him see was how I love him, I never even suggested that he was culpable in anyway and that what SHE did was wrong, he was after all the victim not the perp.

My current plan of action is to keep researching and educating myself on the subject. Sharing some of what I find with him so he can learn also. Additionally, I am trying to find someone in the poly community in my area who can recommend a therapist who won't turn me in for being a pervert. Just one more thing that I can blame myself for....living a lifestyle that damages my credibility to the point that it is difficult to reach out and get help for my kids, after they have been damaged by MY choice to live an alternative life style. I don't want to make the problem worse by having a therapist decide that my home needs to be investigated by DCFS, can you imagine how awful my son would feel and how traumatic that would be for him?

My oldest son was molested about 22 years ago by a neighbor who he would sometimes hang out with while I was at the grocery store or something. I was a young single mom and when it came to getting help from the police they completely failed me. They did not do the proper investigation which requires them to notify DCFS so that DCFS can conduct the interview since they are trained to deal with small children. After getting no where with the police I called DCFS to get help with finding him a counselor. That is when DCFS told me that the detective should never have interviewed my child himself. DCFS called me back after talking to the detective and the first thing he asked was if I had ever been molested, my answer was no and then he told me that he doesn't think my child will need counseling. WTF??? I was only 21 at the time and was blown away. DCFS had just told me the detective didn't follow procedure and now I am being questioned as to whether or not I was ever molested? And you don't think my son needs help. SO, you don't believe me, well I am a young single mom after all.

I was working and going to school at the time and living in subsidized housing. Without the help of the authorities to tell the property that I needed to be transferred to a different facility the only way I could remove my son from the situation was to stop attending college, work more and find a non-subsidized apartment. That is exactly what I did. I called the detective about 4 weeks later to find out what was going on and he told me that my neighbor, the perp, told him that I watched porno's, WITH MY SON. This was the 80's, many people didn't own VCR's and I certainly did not have one. No cable TV either and since I didn't have a car it wasn't real convenient for me to travel out of state to buy porn where it was legal. But apparently that was good enough for the cops. So, I don't always see the authorities as my friends.

Yes I was living in government funded housing, but unlike many who lived there I was working and attending college, so I could get the hell out of there and make a better life for myself and my child. To the police I had no credibility, I was just another crack head or something to them.[Not that crack head's deserve to be violated and then have the authorities ignore it]. All I needed them to do was acknowledge that it was a possibility that it had happened and that they had recommended that I move, I could have just been moved into another low income facility that I could afford without dropping out of college. You can see why I don't trust the authorities to have my back on this.

I know what my responsibility as a momma bear is. Actually it is just natural instinct. That is why my immediate response was to STOP all relationship with her without a second thought, and not let my panic get the best of me. Hubby helped me think clearly and develop a plan to get her out of our lives completely before telling her that I knew so that hopefully she wouldn't have a chance to try to talk to my son and further mess with his head.

[AnnabelMore]

DH, Polly brought up the subject herself above in her first posts about this topic. RP was not out of line, and I don't think Polly was either. I think it's natural when someone has hurt you and your family to ask yourself -- could I ever make myself, and us, vulnerable like that again? Of course Polly's first thoughts are and should be for her kids but doesn't mean it's selfish or unhealthy to wonder about how she will take this tragic event and let it, or not let it, shape her personal life and future.

[pollyshari]

My first concern was for his welfare and his emotions. It has been 10 weeks since it all came down and it was only recently that started to put energy into thinking about my own loss and my own poly future.

[AnnabelMore]

Another way to think about it. If this was a spirituality blog and Polly's son had been molested by their priest, would it be inappropriate for her, or us, to wonder whether or not she will some day return to the faith? No. It would be if there was no talk of her son's well-being but that's certainly not the case. And RP was in no way pressuring or pushing her, just wondering.

Polly, I imagine the guilt will take a long time to fade. :( Just keep remembering that this happens to people in all sorts of life situations and that she is in every way the one who was wrong -- not him, as you realize, but also not you. No one ever suspects that someone who they love, and who claims to love them, could be capable of such a thing.

[SourGirl]

Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.


Actually, no, rape is not rape, no matter what. In theory, sure, but not in reality. 5 yrs means NOTHING if both are under-age. It would take 'headlines' to get attention on such a issue.
All it takes is a minor learning disability, or some sort of diagnosed issue, coupled with being a minor, and the person is off the hook scott-free. Cops don`t want to touch that with a 10 ft pole.
Even if it was planned, even if the molester/rapist had an air of authority over the younger victim.

This is something I have had to deal with as a parent many years ago, and again this year. It has been dealt with in 2 different provinces, ( legally), as well as police involvement in an American State.


I can understand pollyshari`s hesitancy over involving the police.

[AnnabelMore]

SG, I want to continue this conversation but don't want to derail Polly's thread, so I'll post a little later on my blog.

[dingedheart]

Well I guess the wow is on the other foot. All my comments were made under the impression this was a more recent event. Learning it's 10 weeks old I completely retract my statement to RP I was out of line.

And I get how uncooperative teenagers can be...and their natural instinct or bury things.....I really do. So I'm sensitive to your problem.

I know it easy for me to say but I'll say it anyway ....forget the guilt its a waste of energy....use that energy to move forward...use that energy to heal yourself and family.

Good luck

[redpepper]

I was wondering why the reaction dinged... Do you honestly believe that poly is all I have going on in life that I would make it my "cause." LOL :D Apology accepted... I'm flabbergasted, but...accepted.

I was imagining you felt guilty polly. I have at times over silly little things like feeling super happy about what I have, but if something happened to my child it would take years to trust anyone again in my life enough to allow them in to my family and into my heart. I don't think poly's the issue at all really, it could of been a mono situation. Some people are just not healthy. I'm glad you have good people around you and that's enough right now. As it should be. I'm sure that given time you will be able to trust again.

I don't have much faith in the policing system either, but I do in therapists and counselors when they are good ones. It might set a good example to go to one yourself. Or at least talk it up a bit. You're right, he likely doesn't understand the ramifications of how what has happened can effect him in the future.

I hope you find people to be around you who are open minded, understanding, empathetic and non-judgmental.

[pollyshari]

Thanks guys!

DH, I knew that must have missed some of what I had posted early on,;) So I simply restated it. I know you are right about the guilt thing, and I am working on it. Especially because I know that even though I don't openly express it around the house doesn't mean son can't sense it, and blames himself for my discomfort. He is actually quite sensitive, just as his father is, and they both deal with it by acting tough.

Hubby comes off a little rough around the edges but he is a marsh mellow teddy bear. The people who are closest to him know this about him. I was on vacation with one of my sisters a few months ago and she told me this story that happened about 15 years ago when she was going through a divorce. She had been spending a lot of time our house and one day she was kind of in a funk and mopey. He said to her, "hey, do ya need anything for your new apartment?" She thought for a minute and suggested that she needed something for the kitchen (I think it was a dish strainer). So he put her in the car and took her to the home improvement store. It was really no big deal but it kinda got her out of the slump. As she finished the story she got teary eyed and said, "I finally got him, he is intuitive and compassionate, I finally understood why you love him......But he is still an asshole". We both went from crying to laughing. He can really be an ass when he wants to. The rest of the weekend every time I would say something good about him she would say he was an ass and we would both giggle.

Back on track now, I also appreciate your expression of urgency to address his emotional needs. I am stuck and overwhelmed and straight talk advice from someone who is removed from the situation has more clarity than the insanity going on inside my head right now.

To you all, thanks for input and perspective. I especially liked Anna's analogy about the priest. This situation doesn't necessarily mean that I have to boycott this part of who I am. I have thought many times that this could and does happen, even if it is a neighbor, clergy, teacher, or a partner in a mono relationship.

We can't all just board up and hide inside, never letting any one in. Wouldn't that look funny, all of these people living solitary lives in their little fortresses. Only going out for supplies and to work, but keeping a safe distance and nothing but minimal interaction. LOL:rolleyes:

[pollyshari]

Ever since my relationship with her ended, there has been something missing. I wish.......

I don't even know where to start again. How do I start again? There aren't many like minded people in my world. People around here are afraid of this kind of love. Maybe they should be. I wish I could create or find a new love.