View Full Version : Does one ever get over being cheated on completely?
09-21-2009, 05:48 PM
I know this isn't an exclusively poly issue, but it does have to do with trust, which is very important in a poly relationship.
As mentioned in previous posts, my wife has cheated on me in the past. One night, a few months after we got married, she told me she didn't love me anymore, and shortly after that she had sex with someone else. The whole time I was trying to fix things and work it out. Even as we were trying to get back together, she was spending time with different men (she thought it was unreasonable for me to ask for her not to spend time with anyone she has had sex with). She blamed me for everything, and said it wasn't cheating because it was all my fault. By the time it was all over she had been with several different people.
Her family blamed me, as she told them I cheated. That is what they still think. My parents are angry at me for not getting a divorce. She also lost a good friend over the whole matter.
My mental health took a nosedive when it all started happening. I slipped back into a depression, and started cutting myself. But the whole time I stayed dedicated to making things work.
I never completely blamed her, as her father's death really messed her up. He died from cancer exactly a week before the wedding. After that she was seeing things that weren't there. I have long sinced forgiven her, and I am what I guess you would call mostly over it.
We got back together about 5 months ago, and we are doing very well since then. It was very rocky at first (her pushing for an open marriage didn't help) but we worked through it and are at a good place. But every know and then I find myself thinking back on it, and it still hurts. Does it ever completely go away?
09-21-2009, 05:56 PM
Does it ever completely go away?
Not if one or more of the parties are in denial about it.
If she's putting ALL of the blame on you and to this day her parents think you cheated on her not the other way around, then I would say that at LEAST one of you (her) is still in denial.
Ever heard of a little list called the "12 steps"?
See Steps 4, 8, 9, and 10.
(I don't care too much about the other, quasi-religious steps.)
09-21-2009, 06:42 PM
I don't know if it ever all goes away. I wonder this myself. One thing that bothers me is when the cheater does not take full responsibility. I mean, yes it is possible that other things contributed to her behavior, but in the end all those actions were HER decisions, and you really had no control over them.
Take a look at this: http://technomom.com/love/cheatingtopoly.shtml
09-21-2009, 08:51 PM
Forgot to mention in my original post, she has since taken responsibility for what she has done.
I was just wondering if the hurt ever goes away completely.
09-22-2009, 08:41 AM
For most of us, someday, yes.
To qualify that, I'd like to say that I'm not a huge fan of generalizations. Everyone is different, and takes emotional stresses differently. Some people take the stressor of having a loved one cheat on them by getting angry and breaking things. Other try and get even by sleeping around themselves. Some get depressed and obsess over it for days, weeks, months, years (my own personal reaction, so you're not alone, bud). Everyone takes a breach of trust differently, and it hurts different people in different ways.
But for most people, eventually, the pain goes away. It's very likely that some day, you're going to look back on the whole thing and go "Hah! That was the stupidest thing she could have ever done." But it takes time, it takes looking to the future (rather than dwelling in the past), and it takes a shift in your mindset. Stop looking at the ending of your relationship as a loss, and instead, look at it as a learning opportunity. How will your next relationship(s) be better than that one? What have you learned, and how are you going to apply that knowledge?
09-22-2009, 03:08 PM
The relationship didn't end, I am still with her.
09-22-2009, 03:21 PM
Have you ever sought counseling? I see a tale of codependence and grief not worked through, so I'm guessing a good counselor would be of help.
09-22-2009, 03:43 PM
We haven't seeked counseling. We have talked to her friend who is in school to be a marriage counselor, but she is too close to the situation and likely too biased to really count.
I think why this is still bothering me is that there is a part of me that doesn't understand why she did it. I've been there for her the whole relationship, and despite that she would think I'd cheat on her. I've done nothing but be committed to her. A few days before she told me that she didn't love me I walked over a mile through and snowstorm to come and get her. A few days before the wedding I drove through flood waters to make sure we had a DJ for the wedding. I could go on and on about the things I've done for her.
But she has always viewed the glass as half empty. As soon as she gets mad about something she forgets anything good I may have just done. She doesn't think back to the time when I walked through a snowstorm to see her, she thinks of how I was at work and not by her side when her father passed on. Or how when she went on a trip across the country with two guys against my wishes, and then I when she was stuck overnight with one in a hotel room how I wasn't able to do anything to help.
She puts herself in more and more difficult situations, and she gets upset when I can't always rescue her, and she focused and obsesses on those times.
09-22-2009, 05:10 PM
Somehow this behaviour pattern is working for her, and you need to figure out what part you play in that and find a way to break the cycle.
09-22-2009, 05:52 PM
Sorry for my ramblings. She has since remedied these behaviors, for the most part. I was thinking back to things she was doing. She changed when she realized how close she was to losing me.
I think the reason she acted that way is because of her insecurity. Because of her insecurity she needed to constantly test the relationship to reassure herself. And in her mind at the time, when I failed it was because I didn't love her rather than it was an impossible situation she created.
She has since realized that acting the way she did caused her to almost lose me. Ironic really, being scared of losing me made her act in a way that almost did cause her to lose me.
Sorry, just thinking things out loud.
09-22-2009, 10:32 PM
speaking from someone who has cheated in the past,
and who is still with the person i cheated on,
i hope that it is possible to heal and move on from that, i know it still hurts my partner that i cheated on him, but i take full responsibility for what i did. I have done messed up stupid things in the past, mostly because i was insecure and had so many issues myself, i didn't know how to be any other way i had to learn how to behave in a loving relationshp and sometimes i still have difficulty but i try and we are always talking and are open about everything that has happened.
Just because iv made those mistakes doesn't mean i love my partner any less it really is more about how i feel about myself than how i feel about him
i dont' know if it helps for you to know that,
we are now in a mostly sucessful polyamorous relationship, and are working very hard to keep things healthy and honest :)
it is worth the effort in the end
09-27-2009, 07:34 PM
BrotherMan, I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. As I read your posts, I could have been writing them myself, about a former fiance.
I wish you a better outcome with your wife than I had with my fiance. That relationship ended very badly indeed. But I cannot say that I regret that experience, heartbreaking and devastating as it was on every level of my life. Because now I know the treasure I have in my loyal, loving Hubby. He is not a perfect man, and he may blow it big time on occasion, as we all do, but he is as fiercely loyal to me as I am to him. And that is bedrock on which we can build.
That being said, I will never argue against a married couple working to keep it together. I sincerely wish that you and your wife will find your way to healing and wholeness, both as individuals and as a couple. I couldn't make it work once the loyalty had been betrayed on such a deep level, but I wish you both the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.