Poly Curious?

[moose]

Hi all, i'm brand new to the forums, so far it seems like a great place you all have created with fantastic info. Anyway, a little back ground on me. my wife and i have been together for 8years and married for 5year. anyway for the longest time i've had coriousity and wanting more not just physical relationships but emotional as well. Now don't get me wrong, i love my wife to dealth! and we actually just had our 1st born 3 weeks ago, but i want/need more out of life. then about a week ago i saw a show on polyamory lifestyles and click it was like they were talking about exactly what i was thinking. we do have one particular friend i would love to bring into our relationship as we are already very emotionally attatched to her, but i don't know how to approach my wife. In the past she has expressed some bi-coriousness but never gone through with anything. she pretty traditional. I'm just not sure how to start the conversation with her, and then how would i put a feeler out to our friend?? thank you all so much for any advice you can send my way in advance!

[Quath]

I would say to get everthing settled with your wife first. Make sure your wife is good with the concept. Then you should talk about who to approach.

For example, your wife may worry about ruining a friendship. Or she may be ok with being in a V relationship with you dating the friend.

As for bringing it up to your wife, you could do something from playing "what if" or you could email her the wikipedia article on polyamory and ask what she thinks about it. Ultiimately, you will need to be able to answer questions on jealousy and boundaries to her.

Good luck.

[moose]

well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

[NIMchimpsky]

well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

You should mention this to her when you explain it to her.

I agree with other posters that it's good to start with explaining polyamory as a general and then going from there.

nim

[River]

well my thoughts were to be in a relationship with all 3 of us were my wife and i would date someone but not live together so it would still give us plenty of time together.

The First Rule of All Loving Relationships:

Empathize, empathize, empathize....

....

Consider that she may not want to have an arrangement where she's a "secondary".

Some folks like that, and want that, but others are seriously put off by the whole notion.

There's nothing wrong with being a "secondary," but being offered the position can come off as the ultimate insult.

It can sound like, "Won't you be our toy when we want and need you and won't you please go away, quietly and quickly, when we don't?"

Empathize, empathize, empathize!

[Ceoli]

There's nothing wrong with being a "secondary," but being offered the position can come off as the ultimate insult.

It can sound like, "Won't you be our toy when we want and need you and won't you please go away, quietly and quickly, when we don't?"

Empathize, empathize, empathize!

THIS!

One thing that I've noticed is that many couples who are new to poly start out by seeking a third to be their girlfriend. Usually, they want that third to be available to only them and they expect the third to have a romantic sexual relationship with both members of the couple. Oftentimes, that third is there in order to enhance the primary relationship and is often treated as such. Also, the third is expected to follow the script of the primary relationship and rarely has an equal say in how the relationship works or moves forward.


I've known many many bi women who have been burned by such couples, so be sure to have some awareness, that's all.

And it's always worth posting my friend's HBB Flowchart :D

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hotbibabe-flowchart-large.gif

[sea]

This is absolutely the wrong time period! The most trying time for a woman is right after child birth. You are talking about someone with homones going insane, over tired, and most are feeling unhappy and insecure it their post pregnancy body! Now add in the conversation of what your thinking and the most likely thing to come to mind is probably "I am not good enough anymore"

That being said....Quath is right about mentioning the show or an article and saying you found it intriguing and ask her opinion. The key is conversation, honest staight forward talk...and lots of it. Most people I have met in any kind of alternate lifestyle started out with " what if?" or a fantasy type conversation. You will both need to ask and answer questions on boundaries and jealousy etc. Then you talk about how and who to approach and go on from there.

Who knows, your wife may surprise you and be thinking the same way!

I wish you luck....and congrats on the new baby!

[moose]

Alright, after thinking it over alot this weekend i decided to jsut go for it and talk about it. I will admit i would very nervous as my wife is semi conservitive and plus the horimonal fact that sea brought up. Anywho, i figured in any great strong relationship you should be able to talk about anything at anytime (what doesn't hurt you will make you stronger). So at first it was very ackward, as we never talk about things of this nature or even things of a sexual nature. I was trying to explain the whole concept to her and she just didn't understand it, so i took some of your advice and pulled up the wikipedia article and it was alot clearer than. She is not sold on it yet, but i must say, we haven't talked this openly in a LONG TIME. probably talked about this for 3-4 hrs, it was actually pretty amazing. I think her whole pit fall it society standards and and how society views a married couple should live or act which me personally i think is total BS. Anyhow, i think if we creap very slowly into this i think it may be possible. Do any of you have anymore wikipedia type acticles i can show her??
thanks again for all your input

[Quath]

You could try other poly sites like http://www.lovemore.com/ or see if a book is more to your appeal: http://sexuality.about.com/od/alternativerelationships/tp/polyamorybooks.htm

If you listen to podcasts, you can check out Polyamory Weekly.

[MonoVCPHG]

Now don't get me wrong, i love my wife to dealth! and we actually just had our 1st born 3 weeks ago, but i want/need more out of life.

I'm not sure if this is your first child or not but there is a serious concern here. The introduction of a baby will tend to strain even the best of relationships due to less time for each other and certainly a lot less physical intimacy.

I would strongly recommend putting your own needs on hold for a while in this area. Seriously, suck it up and let your family settle in. Now is not the time to start asking to explore your wife's bi curiosity. She will almost definitely not have the energy, time, or sexual desire to want to pursue this. More than likely this will be viewed as you looking for a way to satisfy yourself physically and will put a severe damper on what might be better received in the future when your family is secured. I highly doubt she will see any benefit in this for her.

Family first in this case, self second. You’re a husband and a new father and you should be supporting your wife and child before anything at this point.

If I seem a little harsh in my response it's because broaching the topic of poly is a tender thing in any case, but in this case it just seems insensitive and self serving.

Take care

[NeonKaos]

we do have one particular friend i would love to bring into our relationship but i don't know how to approach my wife.

The introduction of a baby will tend to strain even the best of relationships due to less time for each other and certainly a lot less physical intimacy.

I would strongly recommend putting your own needs on hold for a while in this area. Seriously, suck it up and let your family settle in.



Excellent advice from Mono, which is true whether you're interested in "exploring poly" or not. I have noticed that the best advice is not only timely, but versatile.

Having said that, warning bells and fanfare always go off for me when I hear of someone in a hitherto monogamous couple (or "closed dyad" if you prefer) speak of "bringing someone else into our relationship" or "finding a third to complete us". Language is a very precise and subtle thing and is as much a part of our social/cultural conditioning as monogamism or aversion to cannibalism. When trying to frame things in "polyamorous" context, it speaks volumes about what's going on in someone's subconscious when they say they want to "ADD someone to OUR relationship", rather than saying "My partner and I would like to PURSUE or EXPLORE a relationship WITH this other person."

[Ceoli]

When trying to frame things in "polyamorous" context, it speaks volumes about what's going on in someone's subconscious when they say they want to "ADD someone to OUR relationship", rather than saying "My partner and I would like to PURSUE or EXPLORE a relationship WITH this other person."

THIS THIS THIS! Such terminology makes that third person seem like a tool or accessory to the couple and it's extremely unappealing to most prospective partners, because it's not implying partnership at all.

[sea]

Be it a couple or single person approaching someone for the first time, it is person and situation specific. While one may respond to innuendos another may respond to a blunt 'wanna fuck?' To say that this first approach is implying partnership is rather premature, a first date is still a first date! It is a starting point and up to each individual person to express their needs and wants as well as what will or will not work for them. Lots of discussion in the start may save a load of hurt and heartache later.

Moose, it's fantastic that you say you have already had a 3-4 hour open discussion! Keep it up, open honest talk is a great thing!

[Tia]

I agree 110% with Mono also... if you WANT this to fail, and your wife to reject the idea, sure.. go ahead an broach the subject when she is feeling tired, flabby, over-emotional, her nipples are raw from learning to have a baby feed off them...

If you want her to really be open to the idea, wait until it's a better time.. imo.

[XYZ123]

Moose-WAIT!

Your wife just had a baby. Your first baby. Now is not the time. She is going to need you to support her physically and emotionally for awhile while the dust settles.

I've already had a poly V relationship and I am currently in my eighth month of pregnancy. I miss having a female partner around as I was the one who was at the center of the V. But...my husband brought up going to poly events, seeking out a female partner, and even exploring some of the swinger clubs as soon as the baby was born. Even half considering it, I started crying. I honestly just can't imagine all that while adapting to a second child! And I felt like my husband wanted me to have a second relationship to take some of the pressure of support off of him. Pregnant women/new mothers are not rational. And now is not the time to bring up YOUR needs. My husband wants me to find a second relationship and it upset me enough. If HE wanted another woman in the near future I think I'd kill him for even suggesting it. And, as I said, we've ALREADY accepted our relationship as poly.

[moose]

I do agree with some of your points that this is a touchy time period for her, but i don't see where i would be less supportive for her. I dont' want just a g/f for me or a b/f for her, i want someone for us together (i guess the term is triad). On the other topic of this coming off to sound selfish about my needs my rebutial is that my theory on life for any single person is that if you are not happy and don't put yourself first how are you help or satisfy others in your life? Also, last night it just so happened that the MTV true life "i'm in a polyamory relationship" aired agian and we watched it together. She was quit and didn't say too much which i expected, but at the same time usually if she doesn't like something or is disgusted by something she will turn it off or speak up. For now i'm just going to give her time and let her think about it, i think she needs time to grasp the concept or principal behind it. I also found some get clips on youtube i'm going to show her. keep the feedback coming!!

[MonoVCPHG]

Here's the point Moose. Bringing someone into your relationship under the guise that she would be for you and for her is probably not being honest with yourself. She is a new mother with all the physical and emotional stresses that are the norm and very overwhelming at times. This is an immense change with immense responsibility for both of you.

The baby is first for now, not you, not her. Because of her physical, emotional place as well as the sheer lack of time you will both experience if you're parenting is balanced, there is probably little benefit to this accept possibly to you.

Yes it is important to take care of yourself, but it is also important to know when being a supportive husband and father take precedent over your own needs.

I'm a dad too, I've been through all the new dad stuff.

Take care
Mono

[NeonKaos]

Moose, I don't understand why you're in such a rush to find someone else. You have a new baby. If this is a happy thing (as it should be), you should still be enjoying the NRE of having a new family member. Having kids means you are supposed to put THEM first, which sometimes means putting YOUR stuff on the back burner for a while. You have your whole life ahead of you to watch your child grow up and to pursue your other involvements. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

To me it sounds like you're asking the members of this forum to give you "permission" to keep pressuring your wife about this. The answers folks are giving you are obviously not the ones you seem to have been looking for. If you want to get "permission" from MTV and YouTube, that's your prerogative.

I recommend that you read the threads here about "being poly with kids".

This is the general one:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=487



This is the one that focuses on legal and custody issues but it might have links or tangents that are useful:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=655

ETA: It might not be such a terrible idea to have your wife read this forum to learn about poly instead of watching the Frat Boy Network I mean MTV.

[Rarechild]

I am not a parent myself, so I can't come from that angle, and I'm sure you are all coming from a good place there, but did you hear what Moose said? He just recently identified his own feelings, already talked to her, and they had a good conversation.

I do agree that now might not be the right time to act on those feelings, but I never got anywhere by protecting someone from my feelings, so that's where I'm coming from.

I think that Moose respects his wife enough to tell her what he is thinking, and did so- with a positive outcome from what's been written.

Sure, Moose you're going to be really busy adjusting to life with your new child, and these are all good thoughts I'm sure you will take under advisement, but I respect the fact that you didn't patronize your wife by waiting to tell her and all along hiding something that is happening in your mind and needs to be addressed.

Communication should not be put on hold for pregnancy, childbirth, or anything else.

[MonoVCPHG]

Sorry Rarechild...I can't agree with this. It's almost unfathomable in the timing from a parents perspective. I could be wrong but his focus has got to be on adjusting to this already huge change his wife and him are undergoing.

Babies change everything, shift priorities and deserve focussed parenting. I cannot stress the need to not be selfish in his impatience. Sometimes you have to put others ahead of yourself. A father and mother should be prepared for that before they bring a child into thier life. Balance gets restored and then you can shift focus, but this is way to soon in my opinion.

[XYZ123]

Rarechild- Yes, he spoke his mind. He was honest in his feelings. Communication and honesty has been established. She now knows how he feels and he isn't "protecting" her anymore. Ok. Good. So everything is out there in the open. Now drop it. Let her come around when and if she's ready. Nothing good is going to come from having her watch MTV, read all about poly, watch youtube, etc. right now. It sounds like pressure she doesn't need.

Moose, I'm glad you were honest and a dialogue was opened. But, I agree with YGirl. It seems like you're trying to get some sort of permission from the members here to keep pursuing this RIGHT NOW. Right now you need to focus on your baby first, your wife second (I get the concept of make yourself happy first but she is in postpartum right now and very vulnerable) and then what YOU want and need. At this moment I highly doubt she'll see anything she can get from adding another relationship. She's exhausted, postpartum, probably feels horrible about her body, and most likely has no sex drive. To continue to bring up something she seems silent on just seems like pressure, like an attempt to shove it down her throat. You can put this off while you get used to your new baby, a huge adjustment in itself. I'm sorry, but anything else is selfish right now imo.

[moose]

actually i'm not looking for permission from the members. i'm sorry if this is how i came off. I must agree with rarechild that i don't think you can't hold off on communication. That in itself will lead to an unhealthy relationship. My wife and I are actually doing very well mentally and physically with the adjustment. She is not stressed out, or think she looks horrible or ect. I would have some sensethat if i came home to a crying or distressed woman to keep my mouth shut. Yes i do put my wife and my baby girl first, but in general my aspect on life is to put my mental and physical well being first so i am able to provide what they need. I had her whatch that mtv segment b/c i don't have alot of sources for information to point her towards. Like i said i am going to give her some time now to think it over before i bring the topics up agian. i'm not trying to rush things, this is something i've had stewing in my head for sometime now. Yes i would be lying if it was something i said i didn't want, but its something i truely do think we should explore together as one. I think there is always that fantasy scenerio, but to me that is fantasy alone. i guess at this point all i'm looking for is places where i can learn more and become more informed about the lifesytle.

[redpepper]

It seems that all my peeps out there have said it all. In that I would not be approaching poly with a three week old baby. Not to mention the approach of using them as a "tool" or with the idea that you think you have a great thing going and think its worth sharing. As if they would be a puppet of your desire.

You are starting a journey that you are new to. When babies are born it seems common that their parents go through a time when they scramble to get some sense of their own life back. As baby gets older and routines and patterns are established it becomes harder and harder to have ones own life. It feels like it will never come to an end and then one day they become outwardly focussed on the world instead inwardly focussed on Mum and Dad. You will find you have a chance to do your own thing again.

My experince in poly and raising a child, until age six so far, has been that before my baby I had lots of time to explore the lifestyle. I had my boy and for a good three years it was all about him and our family. When he was age four to five I got my life back together. Got my body back to normal, got back into my work, established new friendships that revolved around kids and family more and then branched out into poly again.

The first five years are meant to be for bonding time and for them and you to establish places in the family. I'm big into "attachment theory." which you can goggle to find out more.

I hear you when you say you are communicating and that you are mearly talking about it but I strongly suggest that you keep your line of thought about taking time. When it comes down to an actual relationship its a whole new ball game. Living it is different than talking about it.

All that we, on this forum, have written on about our experiences in poly is real and very intense. It would be doing your wife and child a dis-service if you were to get too excited and into searching for anyone, regardless if they are a friend already or not.

Frankly, if someone I am friends with approached me three weeks after their baby was born to start a poly relationship I would immediately end the friendship. You can't go back from that sort of thing.

If I were your wife I wouldn't have the energy to even object at this point and if you were to ask me if you can go out to search for a unicorn I would give you one big "Ya NO"

I'm glad you are looking into it and am happy you have found poly appealing, good luck to you in starting that up five years from now!