I love them both.... new and need help

[Ilove2men]

Hi all, please excuse me ahead of time if this post becomes long winded. Much thanks for any and all advice.

My situation is complicated. I have been with my fiance for over 6 years now, and we have a 4 year old daughter. We have had a rocky relationship which stemmed from his battle with addiction. He has been sober for 2 years now, but it has left me scarred. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful partner and father. I have mentioned from time to time my interest in having more than one partner and that convo has never gone more than a couple of sentences. He seems to shrivel up when the words leave my mouth. So I gave that up a long time ago and have tried my best to fit into monogamy.

Here is where things get really complicated. When I was 13 I met this boy at a church event. He lived out of state and I only saw him once. I asked his sister for his number and she gave me his address. I mailed him a letter and after he received it we talked on the phone daily. We became best friends and I loved him dearly. The I moved to the opposite side of the country. 3 years later after talking daily for hours, he emails me and confesses that he is in love with me. After the rough childhood I had, he was the only person in the world I had and though I was in love with him as well, I was too scared of loosing him to go any further than friendship. I lied and told him I did not love him in that way. He was family to me. He said that he would always be my friend and that I would never loose him.... I spoke with him once after that. Several dramatic things transpired in both of our lives and we lost all possible contact. For years I have tried to seek him out. On the web, white pages, ect with no luck. I have never stopped loving him, but I only sought his friendship. Last year I made contact with him. He was married and had a daughter with the same name as mine. He told me that he vaguely remembered me. When he spoke those words it crushed me. I held him to such a high esteem and he didn't even know who I was. He told me to email pics of my daughter so we could swap pictures. I never did. Fast forward to a year later. He finds me on face book. We messaged on there for a while and then I had to make my confession about his email almost 10 years ago. One thing has lead to another and it has all happened so fast. He left his wife, she stole his daughter and he is in the process of getting a divorce and fighting for custody. I pleaded with him not to divorce her for me and he promised he wasn't. That he hasn't been happy with her for years (apparently she has some psychological issues) and it was time. A few weekends ago. We met up. Initially I was going to stay the night. My time with him was amazing. It was pure bliss to see him for just the second time in my life and then when it was time to go back to his place I froze. I couldn't go through with it. It felt dirty. I do not want him as an affair or a lover. I love him and I did not want to tarnish that love. And another side of me... I could not betray my fiance. I told my friend that I couldn't and that I had to go. After that I went into a spiral of who, whats, and whys. What is wrong with me. I have a great fiance, what is wrong with me my friend is the love of my life, who do I love more, why can i not choose between the two.

I have been a mess. My fiance and i have been sleeping separately since before I went to meet my friend. I feel like if I do anything with either of them i am betraying the other. I have finally come to the conclusion. I love them both for different reasons. They bring 2 different aspects of life to me. I cannot imagine life without either of them. I will never be able to choose between them because.... I need them both.

I confessed to my best friend today. He says I am wrong that He knows how much I love him... We talk some more and he says if I love my fiance half as much as I love him then to choose him. For me and my daughter he will step aside and make the choice for me.... We talk more and he asks me to tell him what it is that I want. I told him I dare not even ask and he asked again. I told him... I want you both I love you both. He asked how that would work. Tell him exactly what I want if I could have it. I said, I want you two to know each other. I don't want any secrets or betrayal because my love for both is too pure to ever be tarnished in that way. I said I would live here, he can still live there and I would come to him every other weekend and talk as much as possible. He said he was too greedy to share me and that he could not. We are meeting Saturday morning one last time. Right before we hung up... he tells me He wishes he had it in him to try poly. The sound in his voice... I know he might be considering it.

My question is, if after alot of thought my friend decides that he might be able to try this... How do I bring this up to my fiance. He is desperate to get back in our bed. Desperate to have me back. I do not want to use his desperation against him and get him to agree to something that he cannot handle. I don't want to force either one of them. But I know that... if I cannot have both I must leave both because my heart will break for the one I don't choose and how can I seek comfort in one for the hurt I feel of loosing the other. I feel like it would be fairer for both of them to release them both to find a girl who only has enough room in her heart for one man. Any and all advice and or observations is much needed. Speak truthfully please. Am I delusional? Am I being totally selfish here? Or is this a possibility?

[pokey]

I am in a V. I have been married for 10 years and have been with my partner for 7 years. What an amazing journey it has been. I believe that you can love more than one person. For us we all have a mutual respect and love for each other. The two men are not sexual with each other they are just best friends. We all bring different things to the table and it just works. We have had our share of bumps in the road and Im sure we have more ahead. But what relationship doesn't? My advice to you would be that all 3 of you need to be into the situation or it won't work. All three of you needs to always think of the other person. Also, jealousy can't be in the equation or you will drive each other crazy. This situation is definitely not for everyone , but with the right three people it can be so fulfilling for sure. I will be happy to share more of my experiences with you.

[Ilove2men]

I would love to hear your experiences (anything and everything you think I should know). How did you bring it up initially? I worry my fiance will think this is a sexual desire and not that I love both.

[Karelia]

I think that you are right to consider you may have to move on from both of them. If you cannot choose, and they are not happy with a poly relationship, then it will be miserable for everyone involved to stay.

I know you can love two people. I never thought so before... but like you said, I get very different needs met from my partners.

I wish you luck... I don't have much advice. I do think you're right to be concerned about your fiance wanting to do it to make you happy when it's not something he's really comfortable with.

I'd do some online research and show it to your fiance and your best friend. That might be the easiest way for them to understand.

[Ilove2men]

A little update... I talked to my friend for hours last night. His emotions and thoughts are all over the place. First, he begged me not to tell my fiance and to choose the life I have with my fiance. He worries for me and does not want me to ache anymore than I already do. He spoke to his roomates about the situation. He said that they said I was insane and to run in the other direction. When I made no response, he said they have little affect on what he thinks and feels. He just need to speak the words. As the conversation continued he started asking more and more questions about poly and what the dynamics of our relationships would be and if he would be allowed to have another girlfriend. He was genuinely considering... yet at the same time he says he cannot. I answered his questions as best I could, but with me really not know how to even bridge the gap between the two or how to even bring up the subject to my fiance I am kinda grasping at air right now. Any suggestions on websites for research or even books on poly?

[MonoVCPHG]

Hi,

This is not a new answer to this question but my thoughts on this are unchanged.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship. If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

New addition to my old comment

***Identify what you feel you will get out of having both of them in your life.

***Look for positives that your fiance will get out of it other than seeing you get what you want and being happy. This is the hardest point in my humble opinion.


Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care

[Ilove2men]

I hope you don't mind. I think I will think out loud here. Feel free to comment.

My fiance... is family. He is my life time companion. We are totally opposite yet fit perfectly together. By day I am his protector. I am the head of our household. I am strong and gaurded. I have him to thank for this role, because it is his addiction that gave me no choice but to find this strong woman that was hidden from me. I am truly thankful to have grown from him. By night, he is my protector. I am weak and fragile in his arms. He rewards me for all of my hard work, with love and understanding, and he wants to serve me in anyway he possibly can. I cannot speak of something and do it myself because he so much wants to do it all for me. We take care of each other because we are family. I cannot be without my family.

My friend, is my soulmate. We have always had an intelectual connection. He is my best friend. The one person in the world I trust with all of the crazy thoughts that pop into my head. I am not able to have any gaurds around him. I am exposed to him like no one has ever seen me. In his eyes, nothing I do is wrong, because he knows that even when I make mistakes my intentions where always of pure heart. He wants to be my protector. He makes me so happy in everyway. Our bond will never be broken even if we go our separate ways. I know that I would not roll over and die to loose either one of them... physically. But the thought of being with out either... the world spins around me and my heart hurts and... I will not be the same without both of them. I need them.

Will continue my thoughts in a few. I need a break from the emotions for a sec.

[MonoVCPHG]

I hope you don't mind. I think I will think out loud here. Feel free to comment.

.

Wow...very nice testimony about both of them. Beautifully put.
Unfortunately you'll probably have to get down to the little details when explaining it. The word "sex" and how that is involved will come up. Don't sugar coat your responses if you broach this topic.

I feel for you because I believe you truly love both of them for what they bring to your life.
Mono

[Ilove2men]

So I had decided today that I was going to stand my ground on what I feel and not be swayed and accept that they would do the same. So when my friend began texting me I made sure not to bring it up. He started the conversation. We spoke openly and honestly and he said he will be okay with it or rather try it out if my fiance is on board. We had a detailed conversation on the dynamics that we would both want. I asked him if he would want another. And he said that he wants no one else but me on a serious level because he loves only me, but that he may have a fling from time to time, but that he would always tell me and not hide it... which stung me a little but I have to be open... it just... I want love not flings... I basically said, that it is his choice all I ask is it not to be done out of anger or hurt, jealousy or bitterness. Besides, the fling comment the conversation went better than I ever hoped for. We spoke in great detail. No sugar coating... That's how it is with him. I wants the hard truth always. He even talked about how he and my fiance might need a few guy nights first to get to know each other and maybe become a little more comfortable with the situation...

I am in shock right now. I can't believe how great he sounded talking about it. He said there is no way he can be without me and he will do his best to make it work. He is concerned how my fiance will take the news. He told me to go easy on him...


So the next question is... well what are the benefits to my fiance? please input on this one... 1 he will have me back fully back to myself. My heart will no longer be heavy and I can open myself up to him instead of hiding from him. he will get to be in come back to our bed and we can continue to enjoy the life we have built together. He will meet the other most wonderful man in the world and possible gain a wonderful friend and someone to confide in when it comes to me... or anything else for that matter. He will get time away from me to just be him and that with or without my friend is something that he truly needs but he hates not being there to take care of me. when he goes to his friend's he calls often to check on me.. to ask me if I need anything... Which I am always fine... but in his head he is just doing his job. In this situation if they gain each other's trust he will know I am safe and well taken care of and he can truly enjoy and embrace his alone time. That's as far as I've gotten with that one. input please. I know its different in every relationship but everything is really just hypothetical at this point... so feel free to open my eyes to what I may have missed.


So, after I have figured out his benefits... the next question will be...? I'm thinking... How do you even start this convo? I worry that right away he will feel betrayed because I am already in love.... idk ... more help please!

[MonoVCPHG]

OK.... I know I'm getting ahead of myself but you will also need to discuss safe sex with your potential other and your husband. He's mentioned flings and in essence your husband will be sleeping with everyone he does as will you. These are the gritty details of non - monogamy of any kind.

As far as how to broach it... I'm sure others will have insight. There is also a lot of threads on here about that already.

Good luck

[Ilove2men]

I thought of the safe sex issue as soon as he said it. I already know we will use protection because of that.... I really don't like the fling thing... We will have to discuss it further. It's not about him being with others it the strangers coming in and out of our lives that I don't like. I will never meet them. I gain no friendship from them... its just meaningless sex. Something I am not into. If anything I would rather him find someone who will accept me as well. I think I need to speak more with him on this. There were some jokes made here and there by both of us. I need a little clairty on this one.

[MonoVCPHG]

There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability. But it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other :)

Take care

[Karelia]

There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability. But it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other :)

Mono is very right. Particularly because this concept is starting with you, and neither of your partners will have ever expected a poly relationship, you will undoubtedly have more work in terms of making sure they both feel their needs are met and that you don't favor one over the other. The balance will be your most challenging task.

However, I think you've done an excellent job of figuring out the different needs they meet for you. In fact, it was so moving, I'm considering writing something like it about my partners. I don't doubt you love them both... there was a time when I didn't think that possible, but I have learned differently firsthand.

Would you be open to either of them having a serious emotional commitment to someone else? It sounds like you would be, at least with your friend. I totally understand how you feel about flings. I have a friend and she and her husband were swingers. He wound up having an affair with the girl they normally did this with, and she was crushed. Needless to say, it stopped her willingness to swing. When I told her about our triad, she was really supportive, but said that the emotional connection would be a real issue for her. I said that I was exactly opposite. I couldn't handle it if there wasn't an emotional connection. So, you need to analyze your feelings on that... if he's asking for permission to sleep around and it will upset you, then that's not good. If he's asking for the freedom to pursue other committed relationships, then it sounds like that is something you are open to and okay with, at least in theory.

[Ilove2men]

More updates and what not...

I have continued to talk openly with my friend. He has made his final decision to see if this will work. He said that he can't make any promises as of yet that he will be able to handle it and continue. But that he is open to the possibility of this actually working out. He said currently he is only agreeing so that he can have time with me, but if he cannot handle it he will say so. I am so grateful to him for being so open minded about this. He also understands that our communication will be limited for the time being while I approach my fiance with this.

Now, the time will be Saturday night to tell my fiance. He is in pain and is confused as to what our future is. We have been sleeping separate for almost 2 months now. He has seen the transitions and emotions I have been going through, but he hasn't even asked. It got so bad... I didn't want to believe what my heart was telling me. I crumbled and just wanted to die than to think that I could be such a monster. He saw my angst... and now he is witnessing the clouds parting... but he still doesn't know why. I will have to do a lot of damage control with him. He will be the harder one to convince. All I can do is pour my heart out to him and once the shock begins to subdue hopefully he will want to dicuss the possibilities.

As for other partners... I am more open to my friend having another partner if this goes well. Being that he lives out of state and that my time with him in person would be every other weekend... I worry about his lonliness. He may need another companion. My only thing about that is she must know about the situation and accept me as part of his life. We will be a package deal. With my fiance... not so much. Mainly because I have spoken with him before about bringing other women in and he absolutely did not want to have sex or be involved with anyone but be. I believe him to be very mono and rather like that about him. If in time he were to change his opnion on the topic. I will be open to disscussing the possibilities of such.

PS. Mono, I told my friend about you in hopes that he would contact you to get a little insight given that you two will basically be in the same position. But, he said he doesn't need to at this point. I am curious however... would you mind telling me what do you get out of your relationship? What are your benefits? What are somethings that have troubled you?

[Ilove2men]

My friend has taken back everything and canceled our meeting tomorrow. He said he was cutting off his phone for the day because he needs to pull himself together and will call me tonight. This still doesn't change the fact that I need to tell my fiance.... I think my initial fear of having to lose the both was correct... I am shattered. How could I have wanted the imppossible... I have only caused hurt with every emotion I have felt. This was never my intention.

[Ilove2men]

My heart has betrayed us all...

[Ilove2men]

First off, I am terribly sorry for all my typos. I am mostly typing from my itty bitty phone keyboard.

Secondly, My friend told me to let him know how the conversation with my fiance goes... What a rollercoaster this is. Ups and downs, yes and nos. Anywho, since tomorrow has been canceled. My daughter is sleeping over at her grandmother's tonight so we can talk.... I have no clue what the outcome of any of this will be... it is terrifying.

[pokey]

Your at a difficult point trying to figure out what will or will not work out for all of you. Have faith in what you already have with the two of them. Things always have a way of working themself out. This is not a "typical" situation and can be hard for anyone even the people in the situation to wrap their head around it. Remember this is only a point in time and you may be on a new journey! When has change ever been bad?:)

[Ilove2men]

Thank you pokey. It is extremely scary... yet extremely exciting as well. I came across a poem from the 1600s I thought was perfect...

I

How strong does my passion flow,
Divided equally twixt two?
Damon had ne'er subdued my heart
Had not Alexis took his part;
Nor could Alexis powerful prove,
Without my Damon's aid, to gain my love.

II

When my Alexis present is,
Then I for Damon sigh and mourn;
But when Alexis I do miss,
Damon gains nothing but my scorn.
But if it chance they both are by,
For both alike I languish, sigh, and die.

III

Cure then, thou might wing'd god,
This restless fever in my blood;
One golden-pointed dart take back:
But which, O Cupid, wilt thou take?
If Damon's, all my hopes are crossed;
Or that of my Alexis, I am lost.

[Karelia]

I've always loved that poem... the anguish she feels is as evident as yours. I know you don't want to hurt either of them, but I know you long for them both.

Good luck... I hope your fiance will hear you out and give you the chance to say what you need to...

[Ilove2men]

Thank you :). I've stolen the idea to let him read wikipedia first and then discuss it with him. That way I don't ramble on and beat around the bush. All I can do is have faith in our love and hope for understanding at least.

[Ilove2men]

P.S. I gave the link of my thread to my friend. I think it really helped. He said it gave him a little more insight to what I am feeling. He thinks/thought he was not enough for me to love just him and that is so not the case! I love him just as he is and there is nothing that he could do because in my eyes he is perfect.

[MonoVCPHG]

I hope you truly figure this out. I don't feel like the best source of knowledge in this because I feel my own experience is so heavily dependant on one thing. I truly have not loved someoene the way I love Redpepper...that is the deciding factor. If my ex wife had of mentioned wanting another man I would have left immediately.

I honestly wouldn't recommend a mono/poly relationship to very many people. Especialy one involving distances..so I would be of little aid to your situation I'm afraid. Sorry :(

I have posted benefits and pitfalls on other threads however.

I hope you all find happiness and love
Mono

[LovingRadiance]

WOW. I totally feel your pain. Seriously! I feel like I'm reading my own feelings/thoughts. I loved the poem and copied it to my computer.
I hope you come back and tell us what happened. I'm new-maybe you already did in another thread. But I wanted to tell you I was moved by all you said.

[Ilove2men]

Alot has happened over the past week and I will update soon, promise! Alls I have time to say before rushing to work is I am a lucky lucky girl :p

[LovingRadiance]

That sounds like good things happened with your talks. I'm so happy for you!

I talked to my husband last night-we'll talk again some more tonight. I hope it goes ok too!