Petulant

[Eloise]

So I am the unicorn of the married couple. And I am not bi. And she is. And he is not.
He is fun and gentle and kind. She is needy and lazy, plays at being an artist, used to being the center of attention, acts like a child.
Plus they are swingers.
I am not so much but I did want to try.
And so there was another nice couple they knew.
But the day we were invited to join them for the day, I had to study for an exam. They had been together plenty of times and nothing happened. Of course something happened. The other couple engaged mine.

And when I heard this, I felt as if I had been rejected. And excluded. And even though it hadn't been planned, I felt like the second place loser, the second choice. The leftover.
And for some reason I raged.
And hit the wall with my fist.
And I don't do that at a habit.
I don't know why, but I hurt, and it was like all my efforts, all the respect, the self control, the sacrifices I made to succeed in school, were superfluous.
I'm a science major. I study chemistry.
The other person wins praise and accolades for her crappy art. And it is crap. And she's cute and she's sweet and men and women are sexually attracted to her.
And I am alarmingly self-sufficient...and I put up my needs, my emotional wants, to get through this particular course because it's tough on me.

So I don't know why I hurt so much suddenly. And I screamed and slammed and pounded. Why I broke self control... why it hurt so much....

I suddenly don't want to be friends with this other couple anymore either.

I feel awful. I feel immature. I don't know what to do.

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the board, Eloise. Sounds like 2 things are going on here.

1) You're a unicorn and you don't like one of your partners.

2) You're jealous your couple had sex with another couple.

Successful unicorn/couple relationships are extremely rare. It does usually happen you like one person of the couple better than the other.

Also, do you feel forced to have girl on girl sex with the woman when you are not bi and don't desire it?

But, it does sound like you are jealous "your" couple had casual sex with another couple. Did you talk to them about it? I am sorry you got so angry you hit a wall. Literally.

[NeonKaos]

I hate to point out the obvious, but you're not a "unicorn" if you're not bi (or pan).

I wish people would stop using the term "unicorn" where it does not apply.

[Eloise]

Thank you.

That sounds about right.
Not to say I'm proud of it.
I thought I was over wall punching in my teenage days.

Although the strange part is, I knew the other couple, albeit platonic.

When I talked to "my couple"
I got an earful of how long it had been since they had fun
And it wasn't planned on
and they didn't make the first move anyway
and they were all friends
so what did it matter
and "next time" I could do something with the male friend.

I don't think
I want that sort of selective inclusion
I admit the other couple were attractive
but I lost my taste for them in that context.

I am also thinking that
20 hour study days
are beginning to affect my ability to cope
big time

And as for not liking of the partner so much
she has become more mature
and more attractive
and more likeable to others
because, I am told,
I hold her accountable
I just didn't think I'd sign on
to raise a child 10 years my senior

Maybe that's a factor. She did improve due to me
and she reaps all the reward
and I feel forgotten.

I don't like these feelings of jealousy.
of hurting
I studied 18 hours a day, 7 days for 21 days. This on top of classes.
I don't think I have anything left.
Maybe that why I burst like a dam.

[Eloise]

I hate to point out the obvious, but you're not a "unicorn" if you're not bi (or pan).

I wish people would stop using the term "unicorn" where it does not apply.

If it were obvious, rest assured I would not use such a term. I only use it because I was told by several people. Perhaps they don't know either.

[Catfish]

Welcome. Welcome.

Sounds like you need some R&R. Just sayin.

[SourGirl]

Eloise,

Thanks for sharing your story so candidly,... I think we as people, get so 'worried' about appearing like anything less then patient and proper beings, we forget that there is a need for physical vent, or physical release sometimes.
Your thread here, 'owns' this. I appreciate the candor.

You didnt hurt people, scare people, or threaten anyone. Don`t 'beat' yourself up to much, ( puns, puns everywhere puns..) about feeling a need for a physical vent.

I hope you continue expressing your thoughts and feelings here. I think you offer a very valuable, and unique perspective that people looking for v`s and triads could learn from.



P.S. -Unicorn is over-rated anyhow. Xanthus and Kelpies are where it`s at. ;)

[Tonberry]

And when I heard this, I felt as if I had been rejected. And excluded. And even though it hadn't been planned, I felt like the second place loser, the second choice. The leftover.

Couldn't it be the reason? Did they go there without the intention to engage anyone, and yet did and told you after the fact?
I would feel terrible if that happened to me. The first rule with my boyfriend is to keep each other informed before anything happens, as soon as possible. Even just a text as you meet someone.
If they told you after the fact, it would make sense to feel like they don't care about your opinion since they made the decision without telling you about it until after the fact.

But maybe they don't realise you feel this way. I would suggest talking about your boundaries. There is nothing you can do about the past, but you can let them know that in the future, you would like to be told beforehand if something is going to happen, and that being told afterwards made you feel like you were an afterthought or something.

Or is it something different? Maybe you feel bad because they were with someone without you? Would it matter if you had known beforehand? Would it have changed anything?

Whatever it is that upset you, it's a good idea to figure it out and let them know. They can't guess what pushes your buttons, after all, maybe they work differently.

[Magdlyn]

I studied 18 hours a day, 7 days for 21 days. This on top of classes.
I don't think I have anything left.
Maybe that why I burst like a dam.

Shit, that is some tough work. One of my lovers is a recent college grad and I just wouldnt hear from him for weeks at a time around exam time. It's too much. Finish up, take a rest, and reconsider this relationship when you can really afford to put energy into it, maybe?

[Breathesgirl]

Shit, that is some tough work. One of my lovers is a recent college grad and I just wouldnt hear from him for weeks at a time around exam time. It's too much. Finish up, take a rest, and reconsider this relationship when you can really afford to put energy into it, maybe?

Agreed. You're short on personal time, short on sleep. Being short on sleep tends to leave ME short tempered as well

Might I suggest maybe taking a weekend and doing NOTHING but pampering yourself? No studying! Treat yourself to a spa day, have a girl's night/day out, retail therapy, take a walk in the park, sleep, sleep and more sleep!

[TheEmpress]

So I don't know why I hurt so much suddenly. And I screamed and slammed and pounded. Why I broke self control... why it hurt so much.... I suddenly don't want to be friends with this other couple anymore either. I feel awful. I feel immature. I don't know what to do.

A few weeks ago one of my partners (male) met one of my very good friends (female). 24 hours after meeting each other they initiated intimacy that had me feeling a lot like what you shared. 48 hours passed. I suddenly felt better. Because i realized that me and my male partner have totally different definitions of what polyamory is. So we talked about that.

Another idea i had was for you to try to feel love for the female part of this couple, instead of anger or sarcasm. Even if you don't feel them right now, it would do you good to say nice things about her in your heart. It's a good practice, and effective. Soon you will come to see the traits in her that the male part of this couple sees and loves.

[Eloise]

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I got sick promptly after my exam.
I'm sure the stress didn't help.

And I do believe that yes, it's the fact they did become intimate first and then told me.
A day later.
Because they knew I was angry and they didn't want to deal with it so they didn't tell me.
So they figured if they let some time pass it would be fine.
I already figured it was what they did.
And they knew I was irritated when they left so they made any excuse to not contact me.
And I know it for a fact.

I think
it's time
to move on now

[Eloise]

"Soon you will come to see the traits in her that the male part of this couple sees and loves."

I saw the traits. I also saw the flaws
And the excuses
the anger
and immaturity as she had to be the center of attention

But I digress.
We have talked, they and I.
And the other couple
who accused me of overreacting.

and we have talked and talked and talked
and they finally understand how much it hurt me.

I got a C+ on my exam.
I blame stress

[Eloise]

It turns out
part of my response is because my medication levels
were off kilter.

I think I am the only one to see
none of us were ever "on the same page."
Being the one that was sexually abused in the past
by others
I am cautious
but I don't want fear to keep me back
so I have worked very hard
on my barriers.
My couple wants permission to play with that other couple again
and I told them no
sexual activity would be suspended by all parties on my side
until everyone was healed
which means me.
I wonder if it was worth it to them to have a nice time
in exchange for really hurting me
I don't think anyone would wish to be reminded
they hurt someone they say they care about.
And I did not wish to hear
how much they love the other couple
because it still leaves me feeling as if my feelings didn't matter
the misery they knew of
simply their love of another couple.
And their reply? Well they thought they had permission, they thought they had permission.
And I wonder...what person goes out to play when someone they claim to love so much is in her own personal hell ?

[Carma]

And as for not liking of the partner so much
she has become more mature
and more attractive
and more likeable to others
because, I am told,
I hold her accountable
I just didn't think I'd sign on
to raise a child 10 years my senior

Maybe that's a factor. She did improve due to me
and she reaps all the reward
and I feel forgotten.

I don't like these feelings of jealousy.
of hurting


Fight the bitterness. There has been good to come of this love. Even if you were the giver and she was the receiver. Maybe that was why you were called to be a part of this trio. Maybe you can be proud of yourself for that.

You will get yours. The universe is abundant in love! What's that old saying -- "the love we give away is the only love we keep" -- ?

From what I'm reading, it may well be time for you to move on. But if they were careless or unappreciative of all you sacrificed, that is on them, not you. You gave freely -- do you want to submit a bill, now? Maybe your pay is just in what you've learned. And knowing that you helped someone else become a better person -- that makes you a better person, too :)

[Eloise]

"do you want to submit a bill, now?"

No. I simply didn't wish to pay for their dance

[Magdlyn]

Huh? Did one of your couple actually say that to you, as if you were a paid whore?

[Carma]

No -- I'm the one who asked "do you want to submit a bill now" -- eek reading it back that sounded like a really mean thing to say! :( I am sorry!! It was coming from some personal resentments I am feeling in my own life. It was an insensitive comment! I think you were treated poorly and I feel bad for you. What I was trying to convey is: don't let that pain turn to resentment for the love you gave, because THAT part of it was good. If you can find a way to salvage the good, I think it can ease the bitterness a little. Again, I apologize for sounding like a jerk :o

[Eloise]

I pretty much figured from the tone of the note
You were being kind
Carma.

[Magdlyn]

Oh whoops! I didnt notice your post, Carma.

Unicorn relationships are so confusing to me. I have nothing else to offer. Except hugs. (((hug)))

[Eloise]

So I was resolved to move on
painful though it would be
and I told them
it was time for me to go
because I wouldn't stop crying
and
I did not need them to tell me I was petulant
or that my pain was petty
or I was overreacting
"just because it was a little play"
And I told him he was not the man he should have been
that night
when he knew I was miserable
and why he thought I would be happy for their selfish actions
I don't know.
And I think it drove home to them
what it was this was doing to me.
I was told stay
I was told please stay
WE will work it out, you don't have to handle your pain alone
they said
And so I said if if if if
this were to work out
all play between parties
any person or parties
was to be suspended
and this included some aspects of flirting
such as flashing bare breast.
Because I am not going to heal thinking they will do this again
no matter how irrational that fear
because I learned the hard way
I need to spell it out for them.
And so here I am again
giving them another chance
because my tears are so frequent they frighten and make my couple realize
how terrible I still am feeling
And they are taking responsibility for their part
because they knew I had a past history of being abused
and left out
and left behind
and feeling unwanted
And the male of my couple said it was never worth it, that night of play, to see me so hurt.
And I suppose we shall see from there.

[Magdlyn]

Im glad you got your point across to them, eloise. Good luck with continued progress!

[Eloise]

Here is an interesting development
maybe
in our talks
the three of us have had.
when he said "do you want to ask me something
you haven't before"
it was a major hint
he hadn't said something
and so I said "what were you thinking
that night
you played
and chose to play
and didn't even tell me
and even denied it was swinging
preferring to call it "sexy fun between friends"
and described how she made you feel wanted
when I had neglected you for weeks
due to school...
what were you thinking when it was happening?
And he said I didn't neglect him
and he was wrong in not realizing it all fell under the same label of swinging
and
herein
I am not sure
he said he was thinking "I don't want to do anything"
when play started
but he didn't want to ruin the fun
his wife was having
so he barely participated
before sending the other woman back
and he said he wished desperately I was there
so he simply thought a little play would be harmless
and he found out
in his bid to make everyone in his immediate company happy that night
by not being the cold shower
he lost the trust of someone who wasn't even there
And his wife
had said I didn't even count
when it was the two of them alone
something I wish I had been made aware of
since I had counted her insecurities
even when she wasn't present
and I suppose it's fair to say
I verbally pounded her for her selfishness
when she expressed a desire
to continue swinging
despite the fact things aren't settled.
So there is a halt to all swinging
because it has fallen to me
to make the rules
to ask the difficult questions
and ultimately if this will work out

[Magdlyn]

Here is an interesting development, maybe, in our talks the three of us have had.

When he said, "Do you want to ask me something you haven't before?" it was a major hint he hadn't said something. So I said, "What were you thinking that night you chose to play, and didn't even tell me, and even denied it was swinging, preferring to call it 'sexy fun between friends,' and described how she made you feel wanted when I had neglected you for weeks due to school? what were you thinking when it was happening?" And he said I didn't neglect him and he was wrong in not realizing it all fell under the same label of swinging.

and herein I am not sure. he said he was thinking, "I don't want to do anything," when play started, but he didn't want to ruin the fun his wife was having. so he barely participated before sending the other woman back.

he said he wished desperately I was there, so he simply thought a little play would be harmless. but he found out, in his bid to make everyone in his immediate company happy that night (by not being the cold shower) he lost the trust of someone who wasn't even there.

And his wife had said I didn't even count, when it was the two of them alone. something I wish I had been made aware of, since I had counted her insecurities even when she wasn't present.

and I suppose it's fair to say I verbally pounded her for her selfishness when she expressed a desire to continue swinging, despite the fact things aren't settled. So there is a halt to all swinging because it has fallen to me to make the rules, to ask the difficult questions, and ultimately [determine] if this will work out.

Hey Eloise, I just took the liberty of reformatting your post so I can read it more easily. Sorry you 3 are still struggling with combining swinging with your poly-triad.

[Eloise]

Thank you Magdyln. Did not quite occur to me that I should try to keep it in format. Duh.

So no one is rushing anything and I am trying so very hard to not be unfair. Although at times it feels I am pulling teeth and breaking down their illusions and defenses and even lies.
It turns out the two of them, when they were swinging as a couple, never made up rules except "no pressure." Because she was content to just follow whatever he wanted, and he has always made sure she is safe and content.
So I am struggling to separate out the feeling of being betrayed with viable, reasonable rules to put everyone on the same side.
My rules so far: 1.) I am to be treated with the same consideration and respect that the male of my couple asked I treat his wife with at the start. 2.) NO SWINGING until this thing is settled 3.) review of the rules after a few months to see if they're working will be necessary.
But when they keep asking how they can make amends... for that I'm at a loss.

[Eloise]

So it's been left to me to juggle my emotions with finding a way to get us all on the same page, to set up rules and boundaries that are reasonable for everyone.

This while I deal with some old PTSD issues that have reared their head again.

This while I have to tell them again and again honesty is required and it will be hard and.

And they insist they only were kissing and hugging the other woman they cheated on me with because she seemed nervous when she came to visit a few weeks ago and they thought I was fine with it since I had said "oh I'm fine with her visiting." (Guess that also was supposed to mean kissing and hugging and snuggling was also okay...because to them that was just being flirty....)

This, knowing the first person the male in my life defended was the woman he played with that night... and his own reluctance to tell her he didn't feel like playing. Because it might hurt her feelings.
Because she's a good woman.
Because she's been through a lot; a few boyfriends that didn't treat her as well as they should have.

Meanwhile, in my past life, I've been robbed, raped, beaten, cheated on, stalked...isn't that a little difficult too? And they know this, this couple in my life.

And yet he says "we'll rebuild your trust in us it just takes time." How much time. How much time do I owe them. How much do I owe them when they have fought me on so many things, even on the semantics between "swinging" and "sexy fun between friends" so they didn't believe it was necessary to tell me what was going on.

What do I owe them when I of all people am not only the most damaged of the 3 of us but they benefit most from me forcing them to see their shortcomings and I am still wrestling with feelings of rage and betrayal.

And yet they say, that couple, they love me they don't want me to go, they want to work it out. They tell me they don't want the other person, they want me.

So I wonder and I ask, because I do know I am emotional right now:
1.) what good would telling the other woman that her lover of the evening didn't want to play? It would probably hurt her feelings.
As far as she knows, she forgave me for overreacting and bringing what she said was "negativity to a beautiful experience between everyone involved that night."

For me, it wasn't beautiful. It was pain, hurtful, exclusionary, and the couple in my life even admitted they sort of knew what they did would tick me off, but "oh well she'll get over it."

How spiteful am I to think I want that woman to know her advances weren't welcome that night.
What kind of person am I to think that sort of thing, even if I don't voice it?
I recognize I am all over the place.
I want to try to to heal this... I don't dare try to work on this seriously when my state of mind is all over and flailing.

[nycindie]

Can you put another space after your paragraphs, please? (hit "enter" twice) It's hard to read without line breaks.

[Eloise]

apologies... I'll get the hang of this..

[nycindie]

Honestly, it doesn't seem like they have your best interest at heart at all, nor that they hold any consideration for your feelings. I think perhaps it might be time to move on. Maybe find people who are truly poly to be involved with, rather than swingers.

[TruckerPete]

Honestly, it doesn't seem like they have your best interest at heart at all, nor that they hold any consideration for your feelings. I think perhaps it might be time to move on. Maybe find people who are truly poly to be involved with, rather than swingers.

What she said.

[Eloise]

Oh God did I scream at him. And screamed. And shouted. And cried hysterically.

I screamed he triggered me with his actions. His reactions. His cheating and then groping the woman he cheated on me with in front of me... and being so dense as not not even realize it might bother me.

One moment he would say he would do anything to help. The next, he kept insisting he had to do things his way.

I shouted his way has triggered me far longer, with more pain, than anything anyone else ever did. That thanks to him (yes I was blaming) I felt excluded, unloved, unwanted, undesired, replaceable, replaced, lonely, betrayed, disregarded, gutted and alone. My trust was torn to shreds.

If he had to do things "his own way" he could do it as as swinger couple. He could have as much casual or non-casual swinger play with his swinger friends and it would be swinger-ific as could be.

And he could live the rest of his life, swinger and non-swinger portions, without me.

He is now eager and more than eager to learn about PTSD, triggers, reactions, how to help prevent them, how to help me deal with them ... he dislikes therapists but he begged for me to arrange an appointment with my therapist so we could work together and he could stop failing me.

So now I have to figure out if I want to take that apartment offer in downtown or keep trying.

If this therapist can't make them see ... guess I'm getting a new address.

[Ivy]

Heya, it sounds like things went off the deep end there. Like maybe raw, brutal emotion is overshadowing the more positive elements of this relationship. Does that make sense?

It also sounds like there's a lot of serious pain going on. So much gets lost in text, but you seem genuinely, deeply hurt by all this. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a step back--WAY back--from this couple, this whole relationship, for a short while so you can regroup?

I've been through a rather uncomfortable breakup recently, and I've noticed that the more distance I get from it, the more things make sense. I think pain and panic and anger and frustration really clouds my judgment. Could it be that you're the same way?

Better to evaluate things when my feelings aren't hot off the press, right?

[Eloise]

I think you're right, Ivy. That sounds best.

Thanks.

[Eloise]

Brief update: guess who's making everyone go into therapy?
It is very fortunate that there are many therapists who are friendly to alternative lifestyles and conflicts.

She has been excellent in explaining medication interactions and that my extreme reactions are actually normal for (warning for people who are sensitive and are victims of assault) someone who was sexually assaulted in the past (by others).

There's still a long way to go. There has been and there will be no play between any of us. And they are not playing with anyone else unless I give specific permission. We're working on connection and understanding, something everyone admits they should have done on day one.

For the first time in a long time I have hope this can work out.

[TruckerPete]

Brief update: guess who's making everyone go into therapy?
It is very fortunate that there are many therapists who are friendly to alternative lifestyles and conflicts.

Good for you! :)

[Eloise]

Update: we've been working very extensively together. There is still a lot to sort out. But for the most part, they finally understand not only that they hurt me, but why it hurt, and how harsh it was.
The acknowledge what they did to me was more than unfair.
And how they treated me afterward was poor, to put it mildly.
So there is no more swinging, no more playing, no more comforting other women in a sexual manner.
I repeat: no more swinging. I called a halt to it, they said "okay" and since then, they have not done anything.

When the couple that cheated with my couple (and the same couple whose female was comforted by my male in a sexual manner when she felt nervous one night) came over for dinner, there was a long discussion about what the 4 of them did, what they chose to do, and how it affected me.

Also, there are some new rules and boundries:
1.) keep me in the loop.
2.) no swinging, no lifestyle, no play, no flirting
3.) no one talks about me behind my back,ever again. If the female of the other couple had questions about me, she will be told to contact me. This includes questions like "is she mad at me?"

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