View Full Version : Very early days...
03-14-2011, 06:12 PM
Just found this community, having only become aware of the concept of polyamory since last October (when I met a poly guy at a BDSM munch).
I broke up with my long-term mono boyfriend last June, having had many years of a sexless relationship which was slowly driving me crazy. I plunged head-first into a series of intimate encounters, which slowly resolved themselves into a number of casual friend-with-benefits / fuckbuddy arrangements. I am currently sexually active with around six men, although this is very very fluid. I am also getting into the swinging scene, and sex with multiple partners. I'm also just starting to explore my bisexuality.
I chose to reduce the one-off sexual encounters because it was starting to feel like a compulsive behaviour, which was draining rather than nurturing me. However I am finding the complexity of seeing several people alongside each other really confusing. I wonder if it is because I started seeing them all at the same time, rather than starting off with a primary partner and then introducing other people one by one.
I am totally honest with everyone I am seeing, but know that some of the guys find it really difficult to accept that I am having sex with other men.
I look forward to learning from other people's experiences, and welcome any advice / top tips!
03-14-2011, 10:39 PM
I am in a similar position. Marriage of over ten years ended, decided to embrace polyamory (once I could stop sobbing), and now single, or "solo poly," and trying to cultivate multiple relationships all at the same time.
After a long period of no sex in my marriage, I really needed the physical affection and pursued that. I've always been okay with casual liaisons, and fancy myself a bit of a modern version of a temple prostitute (see this thread: I long for the days when sex was so sacred... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7186)), but in today's world with so many people who have fucked-up attitudes and guilt over sex, I see the need (as you did) to be careful in what I "give away" and how it affects me. Yes, having only casual entanglements can sometimes feel like a compulsion, especially if you have several liaisons back-to-back or even in the same day. But I think that comes more from outside judgments than from within myself. However, I do sense those judgments and am impacted by them.
It is challenging because while I have realized there are plenty of guys who are willing to have casual fuck-buddy type things, I'm not meeting many who want a serious, committed, and poly arrangement. And since I'm ultimately alone, on my own, and don't have a steady, primary relationship to fall back on, as many others in open or poly relationships do, this solo lifestyle has its own set of considerations and challenges. Some days, it's my loneliness that gets to me, and other days, it's my horniness!
My blog is here: Indie... Solo... Poly... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4620)
I also started a thread while back for single/solo peeps, would love for you to contribute. It's been a few months since anyone has added and stayed on topic: Solo poly people - what's your ideal? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4338)
03-14-2011, 11:24 PM
Welcome to the Forum.
03-15-2011, 09:03 AM
@nycindie: Hey thanks so much for your response. You have struck so many chords it's frightening! Part of the difficulty I'm facing is that I don't know *anyone* who is doing what I'm doing, which means I can't really talk it through with anyone. I am completely committed to honesty, which means that everyone in my life (including my parents, and work colleagues, gulp) knows whay I'm up to (in general terms, not necessarily all the gory / glory details!), but given that I'm pursuing something that no-one else I know seems to be seeking then I do get a lot of 'you're worth more than that' comments (or 'you'll find the right person' etc). I'll check out both those links. Thanks again.
@imaginary illusion: thank you.
03-15-2011, 10:37 AM
Welcome to the board, JuicyLish.
You know, I was reading your intro post and thought it sounds like you're just doing what a lot of women I've come in contact with are doing, and that's sort of playing the field the way guys do. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, mind you. But having multiple guys who you're involved with and telling them all the truth is, if nothing else, a better model than dating all of them in secret and then having to deal with the "Who-the-fuck-are-you-and-why-did-you-just-kiss-my-woman?!" scene that would eventually play out in some really embarrassing and public place.
Granted, living in a Patriarchy means that women are demonized for having multiple partners, called sluts, etc. because it challenges the idea that female sexuality should be controlled and owned by a single person and that only men...ahem...ok, let me get off my soapbox. Sorry. You asked for advice so here goes...
Take what you need. Give what you can. Be honest, especially with yourself. For me and because of my worldviews, energy is a big thing: where its coming in, what kind of energy it is, how I'm spending it, where I'm getting drained or refilled, etc. Having multiple partners for me has never been attractive or necessary - the triad my wife and I seem to be developing is like a nuclear generator of energy and possibilities so I couldn't imagine adding a single other soul (except maybe a cat). But I get what you're saying about having multiple partners, being judged, etc.
Thing is, people will say to a guy, "Yeah! Awesome!" if he says that he has a number of women in his life. Patriarchy and all that, right? Means you say the same thing and people think, "Poor girl, she is just confused, looking for Mr. Right, had a bad relationship with her Dad, is acting out, etc." So while I would be a Testosterone Avenger for having several women in my life, you are seen as a victim. Sad, right? Unfair, I agree.
Okay, where was I?
Right, advice. So, sounds like you're moving in a healthy direction. Open with others, honest, keeping it 100 with everyone. That's great. Entropy always sets in, you know, many become a few become two becomes one...then you start all over again.
Question or two for you? Are you sexually active with everyone? Are you in love with any of them? Most important question: What do you want out of all this?
Guys are funny. I've never had a problem seeing women who had multiple partners as long as they followed a few simple rules for me: First, our time is our time, don't call, text, talk about the other guys while we are together unless I seem open to it - its damn inconsiderate for a woman to spend an hour talking about her date with the Other Guy(s) while I'm trying to impress/please/seduce her on the date that we're already on! Second, don't sleep with me if you just had sex with one of the Other Guys and still have traces of them on your mouth, body, fingers, etc. Again, just rude. Last, just be honest with me and let me know where I stand and accept that if you're seeing Other Guys then I am definitely going to be seeing other women and not taking our relationship too seriously for fear of getting my heart broken.
Now, granted, I say all that but I've only ever been in those sorts of relationships when I was much younger, like in my 20's. But, it worked out well, as well as it could. Ideally I guess that's the advice I would give you. Not much to go on but, well...
Anyways. Welcome to the board! ;)
03-15-2011, 11:05 AM
@Hades36: I agree, I am doing what a lot of guys are doing, albeit I'm doing it openly. I think this is easier for me as a woman - I can tell a bloke that I'd like to have sex with him, but that I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship and that I'm seeing other men, and he is unlikely to back off. With women of course it's very different - because of the model of relationships which is socially acceptable (i.e. 'dating' leads to exclusive monogamy, and matrimony, which is what 'all women want' - i.e. need within a patriachal society - but which to obtain we must deny the man sex until promised commitment).
I am sexually active with all of the men I'm seeing - the one man with whom I had an intense emotional connection (but - at least on my part - no sexual connection) wanted more than I was able to give, so we parted ways.
Of course safe sex is a must!
And I don't actually know what I want, which in part, I suppose, is where the confusion arises. I certainly don't want another long term relationship in which I totally depend on my partner for my social / emotional / sexual needs, because that didn't end well last time!
Oh and I completely agree with your three rules. I also have a preference for the men in my life to be honest with other women that they are seeing, but of course I can't control anyone else's behaviour.
Interestingly, although I'm in my mid-30s, the men I'm seeing do tend to be in their 20s. Men my age are more likely to be condemning / judgmental of my behaviour, and I have learnt (the hard way, of course!) not to have sex with people who disapprove of my activities.
Anyway, all interesting stuff. Thanks for your post.