Beauty of Boundaries

[MonoVCPHG]

This weekend Redpepper and me went to a BDSM event. I have always known that she and her husband and other Love have attended these but this was the first one since we met. I have never been to one and was very worried that it would be something that would hurt my connection with her. I was unclear about the sexual aspect of it and once again was wrong in my assumptions and imagination LOL! We had previously talked about how to make it safe and comfortable for me to attend. This was very important to Redpepper because, although this is a part of her life, she did not want to hurt our relationship by me getting “weirded out”.

We discussed in length the boundaries I needed to have in place and although her husband couldn’t attend, her and me went on short notice…she was very happy BTW! Her other Love was there as well as other poly friends of ours.

Redpepper was very clear with her other Love that she wasn’t able to play with him that night as I was taking baby steps LOL!! She was direct, clear and respectful. I was actually somewhat taken back by how black and white she applied the boundaries. The result was my own comfort was quickly established and we all had a great evening.

She played with me, and then I asked her if she wanted to play with her other Love and I spoke to him as well to reassure him I would be ok. He is very respectful of the commitment Redpepper and me have and is a very understanding friend. He was more than happy to be played with and Redpepper loved getting to because they have not seen each other for a long time. I still had certain boundaries about the level of sexual interaction I was ok with seeing and actually assisted her during the playtime a little. Next I asked her if she wanted me and her other Love to play with her and we all had a great night.

My point is, because she was so clear in applying the boundaries, I felt understood and respected. Because of this I became very comfortable fast. Now we are free to enjoy yet another aspect of her life.

I guess I just wanted to share this because it really affected me in a positive way.

On a side note…I wore a leash and collar, which Redpepper held all night, and had “Owned” written on my back….I love embracing my mono nature with her! I am all hers and proud and honored to be considered so important to her.
:D

[redpepper]

:)

[Sunshinegrl]

Sounds Like lots of fun was had by all! Nice to see there is a touch of poly creeping in too. ;)

[cosmicfreedom7]

It all sounds wonderful! I was excited for you being able to step into this new situation and be comfortable and now being able to explore different aspects. I know you both know how lucky you are but I shall point it out again...VERY lucky!

[SilverPhoenix]

The happiness in your wording and excitement almost made me tear up a little! :p It sounds like you had a lovely time and I'm a bit envious! Hehe, congrats on some ground gained and fun had!

[NeonKaos]

I went to one of those events a long time ago and I was WITH someone and in the whole sub get-up (collar, leash, etc.), and every time he would go to the bathroom or whatever people would come up and ask me if I was Dominant.

[River]

Hmm. Maybe Mono- will have to change that vanilla cracker picture on his posts?!

When it comes to BDSM, I'm happily virgin and vanilla. It's just not my cup of tea.

[MonoVCPHG]

Sounds Like lots of fun was had by all! Nice to see there is a touch of poly creeping in too. ;)


We did have lots of fun. but there is definitely no poly creeping into me at all. In fact, one of my fears around this is that I might give the impression of being anything but monogamous and that perhaps my boundaries within our relationship were relaxing. Her other Love has always been a part of her life since before me. I am glad to be more comfortable around him in this way with Redpepper but still have the same requirements for polyfidelity towards other men. If anything those boundaries are becoming stronger the closer I get to Redppper.

Wow, even suggesting I was becoming more poly was a trigger for sure...interesting. Every now and then I am amazed at how natural I find my relationship although the concept of poly completely goes against my nature. I love Redpepper completely but know that without her I would I would easily migrate away from the poly and sex positive community because I am not a "natural fit"..I'm just not sure where I would end up anymore...alone I guess :confused:

[MonoVCPHG]

When it comes to BDSM, I'm happily virgin and vanilla. It's just not my cup of tea.

To be honest JRM, I don't get it in many ways. I found it fun but not exciting. Kinda like occassional bowling :D

[River]

Hmm. It seems the term "vanilla" (regards sex) is pretty vague.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanilla_sex

[MonoVCPHG]

Vanilla can ge pretty vague for sure. I enjoy light BDSM activities in an erotic sense with Redpepper one on one because I am connected to her and it feels intimate...and is going to include sex LOL!. In a group setting it is more about just seeing people have fun and enjoying the fact that they enjoy it...compersion I guess :)

[NeonKaos]

Vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream because it goes with just about everything and still stands on its own.

But the reason it is used to describe "not kinky" is because it is considered the "plainest" of the ice-cream flavors.

This is no big secret mystery and just because it isn't on Wiki doesn't mean it ain't so.

[River]

I fully understand that "vanilla" is understood to be "plain," and all that..., but truly, what is plain is all of that "vanilla ice cream" which is artificially flavored and mass-produced. When I was a kid, I helped make home made vanilla ice cream, using actual vanilla beans! There is NO COMPARISON between that and the crap most folks buy at grocery stores! There's NOTHING "plain" about real vanilla ice cream. It's extraordinary!

[MonoVCPHG]

This thread has just taken an awesome tangent!! LOL!

[NeonKaos]

I read somewhere that artificially synthesized vanilla flavoring cannot be frozen because it breaks down and becomes nasty-tasting, but I am at work right now and the book I read about that in is at home.

[Sunshinegrl]

We did have lots of fun. but there is definitely no poly creeping into me at all. In fact, one of my fears around this is that I might give the impression of being anything but monogamous and that perhaps my boundaries within our relationship were relaxing. Her other Love has always been a part of her life since before me. I am glad to be more comfortable around him in this way with Redpepper but still have the same requirements for polyfidelity towards other men. If anything those boundaries are becoming stronger the closer I get to Redppper.

Wow, even suggesting I was becoming more poly was a trigger for sure...interesting. Every now and then I am amazed at how natural I find my relationship although the concept of poly completely goes against my nature. I love Redpepper completely but know that without her I would I would easily migrate away from the poly and sex positive community because I am not a "natural fit"..I'm just not sure where I would end up anymore...alone I guess :confused:

:( Sorry If I touched a nerve or caused offence, Mono. Im glad that your relationship with Rp is at a stage where you are truly comfortable to explore such things with her. That is very special.
I dont think you would be alone .. And what truly is a natural fit? Sometimes pushing your boundaries can lead to some amazing new discoveries. As Im sure you have discovered.:)

I enjoy a little bit of Light Bdsm... Not the the leash and collar extent but I do enjoy being dominated and a few other things. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

Sorry If I touched a nerve or caused offence, Mono. And what truly is a natural fit? Sometimes pushing your boundaries can lead to some amazing new discoveries. As Im sure you have discovered.:)

I enjoy a little bit of Light Bdsm... Not the the leash and collar extent but I do enjoy being dominated and a few other things. :)

No actual offence taken Sunshinegirl. I am very proud of how I love and can react to things as opposed to responding to them..I'll work on that :)

Pushing boundaries is a dangerous thing for me. I don't really have the ability to step back once a line has been crossed...another aspect of my black and white nature. Things change very permanently for me in most cases.

That being said me and Redpepper discuss boundaries as opposed to pushing them. We discussed my boundaries throughout the night and because I felt so respected my comfort level skyrocketted. She has no idea how her respect for my comfort filled me with a new aspect of love for her.

The leash was my idea. I don't play by BDSM rules and don't care what the "rules" say about collars. I simply wanted everyone to know I was willingly all hers and I felt damn proud to be with such a sexy lady! :D

[redpepper]

You were damned proud to be "owned!" Even wanted that written on your back.

My other (my "fancy" as he calls himself) really enjoyed getting to know you more. The fact that you were my helper was exciting for him... and that you allowed him to touch me in your presence. He really was concerned about who you were at the beginning and that your back ground and way of being was different than ours. It just goes to show that there is room for everyone where love and caring about one another are concerned.

You enjoyed the black and whiteness of BDSM didn't you Mono? Something that I am sure we can use sometime in our own play ;) I have thought about it extensively and am very excited...

[MonoVCPHG]

You were damned proud to be "owned!"

My other (my "fancy" as he calls himself) really enjoyed getting to know you more.

You enjoyed the black and whiteness of BDSM didn't you Mono? Something that I am sure we can use sometime in our own play ;) I have thought about it extensively and am very excited...

A) I am damn proud to be owned by you all the time...that's how I like it :)

B) Your husband, him and me had a great night Friday as well which definitely benefitted us all. He is a caring and fun guy :)

C) Black and White are my favorite colors! Glad you are excited...:o

[SilverPhoenix]

I feeeeel the luuuuurrrve! :D

Wow guys, just wow. :) Lovely to hear about, thanks for sharing!

I've not really tried anything BDSM, at least, as far as I'm aware of, but it sounds like it could be fun! ;)

[NeonKaos]

A) I am damn proud to be owned by you all the time...that's how I like it :)

B) Your husband, him and me had a great night Friday as well which definitely benefitted us all. He is a caring and fun guy :)

C) Black and White are my favorite colors! Glad you are excited...:o

Time for you two to get a room!

But, of course you like to be watched, so get a room with a view.

[MonoVCPHG]

But, of course you like to be watched, so get a room with a view.

You don't know the half of it :eek:

[NeonKaos]

You don't know the half of it :eek:


I saw you transcending your boundaries on Fakebook, you naughty boy.

[MonoVCPHG]

So I kew full well as soon as I attended this SM event that Redpepper would get some "attention" from our other poly friends, and of course I was right. I also new that people might view this as me opening up sexually or exploring a less than mono approach to relationships. This was not a sexual event for me nor does it indicate an increase in any openness other than trust in her with respect to what BDSM entails and comfort within myself to have fun in sex positive environments without being a participant in non-monogamous sexual activities.

Redpepper told me she got an e-mail from one of our male poly friends who was there with another female friend of ours. He was very intrigued by this side of Redpepper of course..hint hint. I'm sure people assume I am more relaxed in my own requirement for polyfidelity with respect to other men entering our relationship as well because they saw us with her other Love. We played with an established, respected and loving friend of both her and her husband.

I've come a long way in viewing other's interest in Redppeper as being a tribute to how special she is and not being purposely disrespectful or challenging to what we have. I am using this to learn and grow. My initial response internally was quick, short lived and not rational. I basically through up my hands and said why do I bother, this is just not going to work, we are too different, I don't belong in this environment or with "these" people, I should just reshape now and hold on to our friendship. By "these" people I meant, poly, sex positive and non-monogamous people. There really is no "these" people..there is just people but I can react very severely in the moment. The difference now is that I quickly work through the issues as opposed to perseverating for days LOL!

This has been a reminder of the differences between poly non-monogamous friendly social interaction and monogamous social interaction. There are clear boundaries for mono environments and not so clear boundaries for poly environments. I accept that and am continuing to be more comfortable in that. Is one easier and more enjoyable for me? You bet ya - I love a mono environment where it is hands off plain and simple but that is not where my relationship with Redpepper has taken me and so I am adapting.

Redpepper questioned if she should have mentioned our friends "curiosity" in this different aspect of her. Because his interest is not an issue or desired avenue of exploration for her she wondered if it was worth my reaction. Of course it is!! Poly relationships embrace personal development as all should! If she had of held back I would have been denied an opportunity to learn and ultimately become even more confident in my new social atmosphere. Thanks Baby and keep up the communication!!

In the end this has still been a very positive experience because it has promoted work and self growth. I now get to challenge myself to see if I can still relate to the guy who displayed the interest the same as I did before. I don't want to put up a wall between us because he is a nice guy and a friend. There was no malice in his actions, just curiosity and interest in an amazing and very sexy woman, how do I blame him for that ??:D

Ahhh the joys of a stepping outside of your norms for the sake of love ….somebody please shoot me…just kidding…:rolleyes:

[redpepper]

What an awesome post love. I am so proud of you and so honoured to have your love bestowed upon me. What I did to deserve it I don't know, but I intend to nurture what we have created and continue to create because you are so special to me and SO loved. More than you could imagine.

[MonoVCPHG]

What I did to deserve it I don't know, but I intend to nurture what we have created and continue to create because you are so special to me and SO loved. More than you could imagine.

Right back at you Lilo :D

[NeonKaos]

:D

Ahhh the joys of a stepping outside of your norms for the sake of love ….somebody please shoot me…just kidding…:rolleyes:

Ha, and I was referring to the Beer Festival.

[MonoVCPHG]

Ha, and I was referring to the Beer Festival.

I know you were...damn I'm sensative hunh? :eek:

[NeonKaos]

I know you were...damn I'm sensative hunh? :eek:

Sympathetic? Psychic? Envious? Whatever?

[ladyjools]

im new here and just wanted to say that reading this post has actually given me something to think about and taught me something new,

i love the level of respect and understanding you have

Jools

[MonoVCPHG]

I think you are referring to me so..Thanks! I want to tell pepole exactly what goes through my head...the good and the bad :)

[ImaginaryIllusion]

C) Black and White are my favorite colors! Glad you are excited...:o
You are aware that's more than one colour?!

[MonoVCPHG]

You are aware that's more than one colour?!

I actually consider it Black and less black ;)

[Sunshinegrl]

You are aware that's more than one colour?!

Depends Who you ask....

http://www.colormatters.com/vis_bk_white.html

;)