Redpepper needing some support [Archive]

River

09-02-2009, 07:56 PM

Sorry to hear this news. Some folks take monogamism pretty seriously.

After I used the term "monogamism," just now, I googled the term. And then I checked online dictionaries ... and the term is not yet in common usage.

Heterosexism is now included in the American Heritage Dictionary, Merriam-Webster's, and others, but only a few years ago it was not -- and so may be the case with "monogamism," ...

–noun a prejudiced attitude or discriminatory practices against non-monogamists and polyamorists .

Racists, sexists, heterosexists and monogamism-ists all believe that their kind is superior to any others -- and often the other kinds are considered "immoral, wrong, evil" ... "disgusting".... Certainly inferior.

Redpepper can be consoled by the fact that the monogamists are equally as wrong as the sexists and the racists, etc. Let her stand strong and say so with those who are ignorant of the facts.

flakey

09-02-2009, 08:05 PM

all the best RP!

NeonKaos

09-02-2009, 08:18 PM

I read about that on Fakebook.

It ain't right for sure.

How did they deal with it when she was gay? Did they know about that?

Parents should support their kids' happiness no matter what. All that should matter to them is that she's happy and healthy, and not in trouble with the criminal justice system.

Cupcakes and ice-cream (or Rice-Dream for you vegans) for everyone!

Sunshinegrl

09-02-2009, 08:20 PM

Be strong girl. (((hugs))) Im sure that once they start to comprehend a bit better that It will all be ok. KUP please. Thinking of you all.

Barry

09-02-2009, 08:41 PM

Hey RP, I'm sending good thoughts your way, and good thoughts for you too Mono. I think you did the right thing in taking a stance on truth, "your truth." Hang in there, sometimes the greatest struggles produce the greatest and most positive results.

Barry

MonoVCPHG

09-02-2009, 09:33 PM

Thanks for your comments...luckily Redpepper has two rocks to rest on, two trees to give her shelter and four shoulders to cry on....she has a lot of love in her life to carry her through.

Thanks again...If I wasn't so mono I'd kiss you all.

redsirenn

09-02-2009, 10:00 PM

RedPepper -
Wishing you the best,
RedSirenn...

Rarechild

09-02-2009, 10:12 PM

You are a brave woman, RP. I don't know if the decision to discuss came about as a necessary explanation or a conscious choice, but from what I know of you, it was the latter.

It's gotta hurt to be judged by people you love when you make the bold move to be unapologetic and honest out of love for yourself and them.

I'm proud of you, as I'm sure your men and others in your life are. You did good. Now just give it time.

Wishing you all the best.

Fidelia

09-02-2009, 10:59 PM

*hugs* Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry, RedPepper, that your parents aren't being cool with this. What a bummer. :(

Maybe they'll come around. You're still you, after all, and this revelation doesn't change who you are AT ALL. It just changes what they know about you. And they had to have some level of coolness in them to raise an awesome, wise, wonderful woman like you. So hang in there and maybe their inner cool will have a chance to surface.

Be strong, SisterWoman.

XYZ123

09-02-2009, 11:15 PM

I'm sorry this is going so rough. It took alot of courage to step forward and be yourself to those you love. Being met with rejection must be so painful.

They're probably concerned as parents, in-laws, and grandparents more than anything. And their reactions are probably more immediately emotional than logical. Give them some time. Let it sink in. Keep showing them you are still you and let them know you are all happiest this way. Hopefully, they will come around.

*hugs* to you and your family-both blood and chosen. Let us know how things are working out when you're up to it.

vandalin

09-02-2009, 11:21 PM

Things will work out. Patience and faith in your parents who have probably been there standing by you. This is a slightly bigger bomb for most people than annoucing gender preferences as being homosexual is much more "out" there than poly is.

They love you, they have seen you all together, they will remember how happy you all are as a family and then realize that if this is what it takes to make you happy, then they can accept it. Approval would be nice, but not necessary.

*hugs* for you all.

Ceoli

09-02-2009, 11:52 PM

Here's hoping your family can adjust to the largeness of the love you experience.

Sometimes all it takes is time. Let's hope the love in your family wins over the fear.

redpepper

09-04-2009, 03:56 AM

Wow, you guys are all so awesome *tear* *sniff* :(

Such kind words of support. I really appreciate that. It means more than you know....

It was just as hard to come out with this as it was to come out that I was a lesbian a million years ago... Then they mourned that they might not have grand kids. This time they were mostly concerned about the grandchild they do have.

We ended up having to say something as they were building themselves into a frenzy with concern that Mono's interest in our family is my son!!! They eventually asked what is going on and said they were very concerned that Mono was going to look after my son for the day this past Monday. My Dad called a family meeting, which we had on Monday night.

The meeting started with my asking them what their concerns were. It came out that they thought Mono was molesting our child and that is why there was a lack of comfort and strange tension in the air when he was around. They thought his presence in our life was confusing and unhealthy for our son and that he wasn't getting enough time with his parents... possibly that he is confused about who his Daddy is. I was frustrated with these comments and argued the points but my husband pointed out that they were valid concerns.... I agreed that we would look at them more closely and if something hadn't changed around some behaviours he's been having (I think related to other circumstances) then we would seek some professional help in October. I think the behaviour will stop when school starts.

It was the next part that was the roughest. My Mum launched into a tyraid of assumptions, judgments, accusations and finger pointing... even sighting the fact that this was all my Dad's fault because he cheated on her when we were kids. I was horrified when she told him that she only stayed with him so that we kids could have enough money to go to university! She went on and on about how hard her life has been and how now we have changed everything and that things will never be the same and that she will recent Mono for as long as she lives for taking her family/grandson away from her. That we won't be doing certain things together now because he is in our lives.... on and on. I was surprised because Mono has spent tons of good times with them already!

I was very hurt and at one point almost walked out screaming that I would not tolerate her speaking to us in that way. She almost walked out saying that she was leaving the family.... I made her stay, telling her we had to have it out now, because I wasn't doing this again! It was a nightmare. I am so ashamed I handled the way I did and I am so hurt and angry at what she said.

To top it off I asked that she not speak to anyone until we had told my husbands Mum and she went right ahead and told her that night! Albeit under pressure from my mother in law to say how the meeting went, but still!

Anyway, they had some accusations (etc.) that I will re-work into questions so as to be helpful to anyone reading this.... as I think that this all might be helpful in some way to anyone who is considering coming out or worries about the repercussions as I did. I think I will start a new link for those questions actually..... stay tuned for a link to it.

adding link to new thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6288#post6288

River

09-04-2009, 04:17 AM

... that I will re-work into questions so as to be helpful to anyone reading this.... as I think that this all might be helpful in some way to anyone who is considering coming out or worries about the repercussions as I did. I think I will start a new link for those questions actually..... stay tuned for a link to it.

Redpepper,

Wow! That's a lot -- and a lot to process, for you and all of us here who care for you.

So many things stand out, and yet what stands out most strongly for me, and almost moves me to tears, is that you are recognizing that out of this tumult and turmoil, you have a gift to offer to others -- lemons to give as lemonaide.

This is the greatest gift you can offer -- the will to give. It is a spirit that could heal our broken world. And why, in part, I have so much hope and faith in poly folk.

Bless you and yours, and thank you.

JonnyAce

09-04-2009, 09:01 AM

RP,

I've been lurking here for over a month now, and i felt compelled to finally say something, but this post isn't about me. you have my sincerest, and heartfelt sympathy. i know this can't be easy in any way,shape or form, but from what i've seen you, Mono, and the Hubby are definitely strong enough to get through this. i have no doubt that things will get better. keep you chin up!

XYZ123

09-04-2009, 01:52 PM

I don't even know what to say having read this. I am so sorry, not because they have concerns, but because they were so hurtful in dealing with them. Mono was fine until they were told he was more than a friend and now he is demonized and your parents cannot spend time with your family because of things going on behind closed doors? I'm hurt for you, angry for you, outraged for you all. And you probably handled it better than I would have. Not only were you able to come here and write about it, you have also started a thread to help others. I'd still be ranting and raving and crying. You're made of tougher stuff than I. :D

Catfish

09-04-2009, 02:50 PM

I wish you and your family all the best. This is tough stuff. If it gives you any comfort, I find hope in sharing your struggle. You are truly amazing and I know this will all work out for you in the end. Continue to be strong and use those four strong shoulders you have at your disposal. That's what they're there for.

redpepper

09-04-2009, 03:35 PM

thanks...

I really believe that we did the right thing leaving telling them until we were really established and have found some normalcy in our poly "V." I can't stress enough how important it is to take things slowly. The fact that we did that and are rock solid means that no one can deny that we aren't doing just fine.

We won't be telling them about any others in our lives that is for sure. We told them there have been others, but they don't know that there are now! I figure that unless we have someone as close as Mono to us there is no reason...

I have been going through a kind of mourning process over all this. Anger, disbelief, sadness. Today is sadness that I don't have parents that I can be completely open with. I have others I can be with... it's all good.

Fidelia

09-04-2009, 04:02 PM

My heart breaks for you, precious one. My words are failing me. *Big hug*

aussielover

09-04-2009, 10:54 PM

Ooh Redpepper *HUGS* I'm sorry they took it so hard and in the way they expressed their concerns to you. Hopefully time will heal this too. From what I have read of your posts, you seem to be a very strong woman. I have every faith that you will come through this even stronger than before.
Wish I could give you a real hug.

You mentioned about the relationship being strong before saying anything. Those were our thoughts as well. I'm sure no one will be able to shake your family. And you do have a wonderful family with your husband, Mono and your son (again, from what I've heard).
Hopefully they will get over this sooner rather than later.

Quath

09-05-2009, 03:54 AM

I am sorry you are going through this Redpepper and Mono. I know it sucks to be so heavily judged by family.

Give it some time and let cooler heads prevail. Maybe it can work into grudging acceptance.

A knew a white girl who got pregnant by her black boyfriend (in southern USA). Her parents were angry and mad. Fast forward two years later and the parents love this guy and say they feel proud to have hom in the family. Sometimes they have to learn their prejudice was not right.

I tend to approach issues like this very analytically. They have to learn that this is not cheating. And they should recognize that Mono is taking nothing away. Would they behave as such if an uncle was staying at your house? Hopefully they can eventually appreciate that there is another adult to help watch over the child.

I wish you well in dealing with this.

ImaginaryIllusion

09-05-2009, 05:27 AM

Delayed reply given that I've been indisposed & cut-off from the board for a couple days...and that I needed to figure out how to put more than one word together for a post, since the former one L-word variety just didn't seem as appropriate here.

RP: I actually have nothing that I can offer which you probably don't already know. I have a card in my wallet some friends gave me some years ago with a picture of a boat crashing through some waves, and the caption "YOU CAN PLOW THROUGH ANYTHING". I suppose the other upshot is that now you no longer need to worry or speculate about what they'll say...and instead can focus on where the family is, and where it needs to go.

Mono: Your patience in this resembles that of a Saint given the accusations leveled by the GP's. The fact that it's logical and reasonable given the situation out of context, and the paranoia fed to us by the media notwithstanding...I expect there are very few people could take that kind of finger pointing in stride without breaking it and the arm it's attached to.

Can't resist...have to fit the L-word in somewhere...
I guess next time there's a family 'meeting'...everyone better bring there own *LUBE*!

MonoVCPHG

09-05-2009, 09:28 PM

I expect there are very few people could take that kind of finger pointing in stride without breaking it and the arm it's attached to.

Because you and I have similar backgrounds, I completely understand this comment.

This is a part of her parents working through thier own issues. This is her family so I simply won't allow negative energy to cloud my actions and I will focus on bridging this gap between them. I am struggling with a bit of homewrecker syndrome but keep reminding myself that this is about how Redpepper has chosen to live her life and not specifically about me.... although it is easy to target me.

I know I am the right person to go through this with. I am committed to her and her family for life.

Trust me, I'm not always this understanding. If some one were to hurt Redpepper, her husband or son....my reaction would be much different.

ImaginaryIllusion

09-06-2009, 07:40 PM

Because you and I have similar backgrounds, I completely understand this comment.

I`m glad of that...wouldn`t want it taken as a literal suggestion, since in terms of helping the parents understand you and RP better...it would be, shall we say....counterproductive! :)

I know I am the right person to go through this with. I am committed to her and her family for life.

I don`t expect you`re having an easy time of it...but if anyone`s going to be able to hold fast through this...she chose well.

Trust me, I'm not always this understanding. If some one were to hurt Redpepper, her husband or son....my reaction would be much different.
As you say...I completely understand this comment.

redpepper

09-09-2009, 04:56 AM

So it's been a week and my parents and us are now just emailing back and forth. I have been heart broken, forcing myself to eat and breath. I hate this! :(

After our large fight it has turned into a request by my parents for us to sign off on some property that we co-own with them that is meant for us to go to as a family and enjoy together. Now that Mono is in our lives they figure he has some kind of say on how it is used. I don't see how it would be any different than other chosen family such as my ex girlfriend of 15 years. She has no say on what we do with that property, yet we consider her our family as we now consider Mono. Any close friends we bring there wouldn't have any say either... do they really think that Mono would have a legal right?

There has been a confession that perhaps they would think of me in a "V" more easily if I had chosen a women to have another relationship with. Interesting... not sure what that means.

We have managed at this point to at least be on speaking terms around them seeing our son. We have told them we won't deny them access to him and won't keep him from going over there. This is good as it means in his eyes there is nothing of significance going on.

Fortunately my brother took the news differently. He is working on his doctorate in behavioural biology and so saw the whole thing from the view point of human behaviour. Whatever gets him through I guess. At least he's rational and I actually learned something from him. He had a lot of questions that I did my best to answer, such as why we would chose a relationship rather than just having sex with others and how does my husband feel about it all.

My husbands mum rocked! She is totally fine as long as we are happy. She thought it makes total sense in this day and age of cheating and infidelity, the breaking down of families and what comes out of that for the next generation. She is re-married and thought she might of considered our life style had it been an option back then.

And so we muddle through and are managing....

Thanks for all the support and the private messages I am getting. You are all so very kind and I feel so loved.... that's what it's all about isn't it! :) I honestly feel very surrounded by love and very cared for. I am very fortunate and grateful. It amazes me how good the world can be when we all love each other and help each other through. It makes me feel like there is such hope for us all.

sweetie

09-11-2009, 02:39 AM

I hurt for you RP. Our parents are of a different generation, and see things as black and white, very little shades of grey. As much as they love you, it is a blow to all they have been taught, and no matter how old you are they will think of this situation as something they have done wrong.

Having read many of your posts and threads, I know that these two men in your life, are your life. They are good for you, and you are good for them. You take strength from them and they take strength from you. Right now you need their strength, love and support.

Once your parents see with their own eyes that you are the same person you have always been, that your marriage hasn't changed, that your son is still healthy and happy, things could change. Give them time. The same time you have given those people in your life that didn't understand.

Yes it means more, hurts more because it's your parents.They are supposed to love and accept you no matter what your decisions.But they are still just human beings. With human emotions, thoughts and feelings.

They raised a wonderful,open daughter, and they will accept the wonderful, open, daughter they raised.

Stay strong and believe in who you are. I haven't met you, and yet believe in your strength and wisdom.

Quath

09-11-2009, 01:29 PM

Family can act weird about the oddest things. I think the property issue is just one way they can assert some control over the situation and register their displeasure. It is not rational, just a reaction. I am not sure what the best response to this is. Maybe play it off as no big deal?

It is good that this does not affect your son. Maybe once they see that they are over reacting, they will start toning down some of their actions.

That is interesting about them accepting it more as a "v" if it were a woman instead of a man you were datng. Maybe if it were a woman, you would be exploring your bisexual side. With a man... well, now you are just being redundant...?

Hang in there. I bet things will settle down over time and get better.

NeonKaos

09-11-2009, 01:39 PM

That is interesting about them accepting it more as a "v" if it were a woman instead of a man you were datng. Maybe if it were a woman, you would be exploring your bisexual side. With a man... well, now you are just being redundant...?

The thing is, RP was gay for many years so they already know she "explored" her bisexual side. If she had a GF, they'd have some sort of problem with that, too. This is a storm that needs to be weathered, it will pass, but until then, whatever gets 'em through the night. Right?

pokey

09-17-2009, 01:29 AM

So it's been a week and my parents and us are now just emailing back and forth. I have been heart broken, forcing myself to eat and breath. I hate this! :(

We have managed at this point to at least be on speaking terms around them seeing our son. We have told them we won't deny them access to him and won't keep him from going over there. This is good as it means in his eyes there is nothing of significance going on.

Fortunately my brother took the news differently. He is working on his doctorate in behavioural biology and so saw the whole thing from the view point of human behaviour. Whatever gets him through I guess. At least he's rational and I actually learned something from him. He had a lot of questions that I did my best to answer, such as why we would chose a relationship rather than just having sex with others and how does my husband feel about it all.

My husbands mum rocked! She is totally fine as long as we are happy. She thought it makes total sense in this day and age of cheating and infidelity, the breaking down of families and what comes out of that for the next generation. She is re-married and thought she might of considered our life style had it been an option back then.

And so we muddle through and are managing....

Thanks for all the support and the private messages I am getting. You are all so very kind and I feel so loved.... that's what it's all about isn't it! :) I honestly feel very surrounded by love and very cared for. I am very fortunate and grateful. It amazes me how good the world can be when we all love each other and help each other through. It makes me feel like there is such hope for us all.

I have been following your thread and hoping things have settled a bit for you. Ironically we had a few posts back and forth in regard to my difficulties with the same sort of issues! I continue to struggle everyday with the constant paranoid feeling that the outside world including my family watches with a suspicious eye. It puts a toll on you for sure. I just think all of my choices are made out of love and it seems so wrong to hide something that is so good. I wish the world would not be so judgemental and realize there is no normal and people can love and be happy in all kinds of situations.

redpepper

09-17-2009, 05:50 PM

I remember our posts pokey. I dreaded having to tell them, but now I am glad to be able to settle in again without feeling like I have been deceptive. It feels better than ever.

I have been very sad though at times. It is passing though. With time things are beginning to happen to indicate it will be okay.

Last week I brought my parents flowers from the farmers stand I go to and gave my mum a back pack I have that I know she likes. My Dad thanked me for the flowers but I heard nothing from my Mum until last night. She had given back some items of ours from the property we share and we had heard from the lawyer that she is waiting to make an appointment to sign the property over to them. I was feeling very sad and hopeless at that point but decided to reach out to my Dad and ask him out for coffee. He agreed to after the weekend as he will be away. Later that night my Mum emailed and thanked me for the items I sent and asked if she could come too.

It's a small step, but a step. It's in public so I am hoping that will find away to control the emotions that come up. Hopefully.

I feel as if I am doing what they want in signing the property over, but I would rather have peace than property. Besides, if there is peace then the chances of ever going there again are greater. I wouldn't want to go there if things stayed cold and silent between us. We had such good times there and Mono was included. Maybe we can get back to that? Maybe not... I think there is a better chance the latter if I do as I'm told this time... and cross my fingers that it will be a win win situation.

redpepper

10-01-2009, 08:04 AM

Just an update for those following...

Well, It's been over a month since my Mum stopped talking to me now. It seems that, according to my Dad, she is determined that she is right and that Mono is a threat to my family and my child. Apparently she has threatened to write me out of her will as she thinks I am going to abandon my child and husband.

Tonight she went to her first counseling appointment under the notion that she would find another companion on her crusade to prove I'm wrong and that my life style is dangerous to her/societies status quo. I hope that this counselor sees through her paranoia and brings her back on track with it being her issue and her misery that causes her grief, not me.

Anyway, I could go on about the nuances of my mother, but I won't.

My point is that I am in mourning over the loss of my mother. I have been in every mourning stage. Disbelief, anger, sadness, denial, and back... I'm exhausted by it. I can't believe she is believing the stories in her head, I am so angry that she has removed herself from all our lives, including my son, I'm sad that she doesn't love me for who I am and is not happy for what I have, I don't believe that she is serious and really doesn't want me in her life. It goes round and around constantly.

My Dad believes some of it also... we did have a relatively good chat over tea, but we fell into the same dynamic of him talking, me listening and then him saying that he thought we were done and it's time to go, before I got to say what I wanted to say. I managed to tell him how our love works and where it comes from, that it wasn't because I lost a child and needed to fill that space and that I am that I am filled with love and happiness in my life and so are my husband and son also.

There is so much work to do.... but just like poly brings out openness and honesty, so has coming out as poly.

NeonKaos

10-01-2009, 12:20 PM

I wish there was something I could do for you that would help fix it.

Fidelia

10-01-2009, 04:30 PM

I wish there was something I could do for you that would help fix it.
Me too. :(

*hugs*

Tech

10-01-2009, 05:56 PM

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your story.

redpepper

10-02-2009, 05:52 AM

I don't want anyone to do anything, thanks for thinking you can though :)

I just thought I should catch people up as it is important to me to be useful... what else of good will come out of it I don't know, but at least it makes me feel better that it might be useful to talk about it.

It's useful in that I can vent a little... thanks for that.

aussielover

10-02-2009, 08:54 AM

I'm sorry your Mom's still not speaking to you. Do you have any idea how the therapy session went at all via your dad?

Sunshinegrl

10-02-2009, 09:25 AM

Im sad to hear that your Mum hasnt moved past all this. And I am Hoping that in time as she continues to see how this relationship does work ( even from a distance) for you and your family that she will come around.

redpepper

10-02-2009, 05:48 PM

I don't know yet. The silence continues.

My mum is much like me in terms of determination. If she thinks she is right (and she does about everything) then it could be monthes before she let's it go. It will take her realizing that either she gives up her fight to get us to say she is right and swearing we will never be poly again, or realizing that she misses us in her life and that she has done this to herself. We will see what wins out. It could be a very long time.

I don't forsee ever being close to her again actually. I am imagining a future whereby I have to fight with her to do anything in terms of her future care. She is almost 70 and will be one of those bitchy hard done by old ladies who never dealt with their shit when they were younger and now takes it out on everyone around. I think anyway. Grrrreeat!

Maybe I should move out of town. Like across the country so my brother has to deal with her. He was always a mumma's boy and she has always adored him. I was always more of an annoyance as I apparently misbehaved. Really I was just a girl child who was first in order of children trying to get my mothers attention and affection because I never got any. I'm making up for that double time now with my men. Apparently that is wrong. Really I have never had so much attention, unconditional love and support as I do now. Maybe she should just let me be and let me heal from my childhood as is my responsibility as a result.

Sorry, I'm off! I get very angry and defensive lately. I am really very hurt and I apoligize if that comes out here.

I am just so sick of people whining about stuff. A little whining is of course normal and understandable, but we owe it to ourselves and those around us to get on with life and create what we need. I have done that and am now working on creating a mindset whereby I can live, for good without my mothers attention. In the mean time learning how not to do that with my own child.

Always a struggle and always something to work on. So I'm staying on task.

Thanks for listening.

aussielover

10-02-2009, 09:44 PM

:( Again I'm sorry things have worked out this way. Hopefully she will realize how much she misses you guys, and sooner rather than later. *HUGS*
Being an only child I can't relate to the lack of attention but I'm glad you're getting what you need now.

LovingRadiance

10-02-2009, 10:18 PM

We all have "off" times in our lives. It's part of our growing and learning experience.

You don't know much of anything about me as I'm so new but I already have read SO MUCH of what you have written on here recently and found SO MUCH respect for you that I simply wanted to say I'm proud of you for all you are doing and for standing up for what you need in life. I know it's not an easy thing to do.
I know it can't mean a whole lot to gain a strangers respect while losing your mom, but I hope it reinforces for you that your life is not only a blessing for your husband, Mono, and your son, but many others as well.

LR

redpepper

10-02-2009, 11:28 PM

Thanks lovingradiance. I just speak my truth. Its so great to hear other peoples stories and share so much.We all have so much to give don't we? :)

JonnyAce

10-03-2009, 07:56 AM

RP, I've had times when i stopped speaking to my mother, although it was my choice. A lot of times it had to do with her not respecting my life choices. Most of the times these situations arose, when i felt that she wasn't listening to me, granted i probably wasn't listening to her either. Months later after we both had calmed down we were able to talk it out better. I hope that you and your mom resolve this soon, as it's never easy not being in contact w/a loved one.

Also i hope it didn't seem like i was trying to hijack the thread, i just thought that maybe my experiences could help shed some light.

Fidelia

10-03-2009, 09:46 PM

Hey, RP, JohnnyAce's post reminded me of something in my life I haven't thought of in a long time.

My mother and I were completely estranged for 10 years, because I wouldn't change my life to conform to her requirements. (Sound familiar?)
After that, we had a strained relationship for several more years. Now we're not only reconciled, we live next door to each other.

I still have to maintain firm boundaries with her, but we have a much better relationship than I could have expected.

LovingRadiance

10-04-2009, 02:37 AM

My father and I were estranged for 8 years and then another 4-6 strained. However now we get along fairly well and have grown past it. It was very much a big issue of accepting me for who I am that brought it up.

Stay strong!

maca

10-04-2009, 02:49 AM

Although you dont know me ,nor do I know you,my wife speaks in high regards about you and Mono.She has a knack of reading the good in ppl.I wish you the very very best to you and yours.

I have not spoken to my mother in 11 years now.I had to make a tough decision when my mother made me choose between her and my wife.I hope someday she will just accept me and my wife for who we are together and seperate.I have these same hopes for your parents as well. Life is to short to be upset.<hugs>

redpepper

10-05-2009, 07:23 AM

thanks so much for sharing your parent woahs... I REALLY hope it won't take 11 years or more!!! geesh... A few months I can handle.

Today was a good day though and I feel lighter because of it... I wrote about it on another thread...

sharing success and happiness. Here is the link.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197&page=14

Sunshinegrl

10-05-2009, 07:32 AM

This is progress!! Im so glad she seems to be softening!

XYZ123

10-05-2009, 12:49 PM

I've told you about my dad's reaction to my husband and pregnancy. I didn't mention that he furthered it by telling the whole family I only KNEW N for three months before he "knocked me up". Caused alot of tension when I started introducing him around. And I didn't know that was dad's version of our story until just a few months ago!
But things are much better now, as I've told you. It takes time and patience. Sometimes we need to teach our parents new ways of thinking.

redpepper

10-06-2009, 06:11 AM

Sometimes we need to teach our parents new ways of thinking.

Very True!

Thanks xyz123.
It was you and our private discussions that lead me to give my mum a big hug at our front door as she decided to venture up our front stairs with my son, when she dropped him off. She looked so small, sad and out of her element. I felt sorry for her. I was being stubborn too in expecting a "sorry." I forgave her a bit in that moment and you helped me get there xyz123.... thanks, you are a generous woman to offer up so much of your well earned wisdom on such matters.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to offer their wisdom also. It's much appreciated :)

XYZ123

10-07-2009, 12:42 AM

Very True!

Thanks xyz123.
It was you and our private discussions that lead me to give my mum a big hug at our front door as she decided to venture up our front stairs with my son, when she dropped him off. She looked so small, sad and out of her element. I felt sorry for her. I was being stubborn too in expecting a "sorry." I forgave her a bit in that moment and you helped me get there xyz123.... thanks, you are a generous woman to offer up so much of your well earned wisdom on such matters.

:o Thank you. Just don't expect I'll always be a font of wisdom. Or even sanity. :p

The work you've done with your family is your own and you should be very proud. You and your loves truly are an inspiration.

Mark1npt

10-13-2009, 04:03 AM

RP.....sorry I've been "gone" awhile. i haven't been there much for you. Almost back and now able to devote some time to my friends here again. As you know my mom (85 yo) lives with us. It would absolutely confuse and kill her if she knew the dynamics of our 3some.

I am truly sorry to hear of your description of your mum. We suffer seeing our parents in that light for sure. We have our own dynamics here with me and 3 women in the house. As you know and will find out more as your mum ages, they change. They become more beligerant, more sensitive, more needy of our love and time, and yes, more frail too. Still, love wins out. She will always be your mum and you , her daughter. All the other crap really isn't important. We all only have our parents in our lives for a short time longer. We need to bend to make the time work with them. I commend you for your foresight and realizing this. I'm sure the hug you gave her will eventually come back to you ten-fold.

My dad walked away from us then re-surfaced 36 years later a week before he died. As much as I hated him and resented his abandoning his wife and children, it brought a peace to all concerned to be civil to him in his final days. Sometimes they reach out, sometimes we have to. She's still your mum. She may never understand, (I don't know if they can), but it doesn't mean they don't love us. We need to know that. We need to love regardless, even if it hurts for awhile.

RP, I hope you're doing some better now. You are a special lady with a special gift. I'm sure your mum knows this. She just might not be able to put it into words for you. Keep the hugs coming. It's a great secret weapon in the kids vs. parents world.:)

redpepper

10-13-2009, 07:44 AM

So, yesterday we all went for lunch to celebrate my brothers girlfriends birthday. We all were invited by my mum and she and my dad paid for the meal. It was the first time I have talked with her in about 7 weeks... I can't believe it's been that long. It went well I think in that I drank enough to keep me from thinking and maintaining my polite interest in her life, and enough to tell her about what news I had that she might find of interest.

Previous to this lunch my dad called last week. He told me that my mum had been to the doctor to see about an anxiety and depression med and had told our family doctor why she needed it. She had already been to see a therapist that she was hoping would help her cause of becoming "right" about Mono in our life and his interest in our son and the break up of our family and marriage. She then decided to go to our doctor as well to tell him what was going on in the hopes that she would be able to get meds to help her sleep at night in order to deal with it.

The doctor had to act professionally and ask to see our son. My mum made him an appointment and was ready to take him. My dad called me to tell me what had come about and that he thought I should take him.

Of course I was furious. She has bent over backwards it seems to gain confidence in her story and get others to collaborate on it with her. She has gotten her co-workers to think that Mono is a predator also.

When I saw her yesterday I told her that I thought it was great that she was in therapy and that I hoped she was working through some issues. I told her that I thought it was a good idea to take meds while she goes through that process as it helps sometimes to be medicated to deal with hard issues. I suggested that when she is finished therapy that she remember to come off of them again as they should of served their purpose by then. I told her that I am certain that Tomos is fine and that he is in no need to see our doctor, but that I would take him. I will take him tomorrow with a big bribe, as he hates the doctors office. I will take him for no other reason than I think my mum will not rest easy until a professional that she respects tells her that our son is not adversely being affected by our "V" situation.

If she doesn't back off after that my husband and I have agreed that we will give her an ultimatum... either she gets of this righteous path of destruction of our relationship with her over simply wanting to prove shes right, or she decide to let it go and regain some trust back and reestablish her self in our lives with a new out look of the future and what is happening in our famaily today. If she decides to go the course she is on now, we have agreed to let her know she won't see our boy again. We can't have him influenced by her when we are not around. He should never be made to feel that there is something wrong that he should be fessing up to and he should not be made to go through what I did when I was a child and that is the feeling that someones love has conditions. We have no conditions on our love for him and we would like him always to feel he will be loved no matter what.

So, wish me luck tomorrow, and in the future.

Judging by yesterdays lunch, I think that we are on a rocky path yet, although it isn't as steep and is slowly turning to gravel. Still, I am tired and any path these days seems like an effort. I am asking for strength at this point.... I have faith, albeit battered faith, that our "V" is worth standing up for, but I don't have the strength to hold my head up high and be everything I need to be in order to not be hit to the ground once and for all.

JonnyAce

10-13-2009, 07:49 AM

Wow, you are much more level headed than i am RP. if my mother had done that to me, not only would i have not taken my child to the Dr. i would have cut her off from all communications immediately instantly.

Fidelia

10-13-2009, 02:50 PM

I'm delighted your mum is seeking professional help in dealing with this situation. I doubt she finds what she wants (professional opinions backing up her view of your life choices) but I hope she finds what she needs (help working through her own issues so that she can be free of her fixation on you and your choices).

Even if her heart wasn't in the right place when she told the doctor, it might be a really good thing for a doctor to check up on your son. She will get even less traction with her argument that your V is harming your boy once a medical professional has determined that he is healthy, happy and well-adjusted. And that realization may lead to the realization that the problem lies with her, not you.

Be strong, SisterWoman. I continue to be impressed and amazed at the way you consistently meet your challenges with love, respect and compassion for everyone around you. You're my hero. :o

LovingRadiance

10-13-2009, 05:12 PM

Keep your head up RP. Sometimes it's a REAL pain the ass-but it is worth it. The lessons you are teaching your son by standing up for yourself, and your family, by insisting on a modicum of respect, by being honest and open-those lessons will last a lifetime. The biggest is the love and your love for him, as well as your family and even your mother through your frustration with her will carry him for a lifetime.
Remind him (and yourself) that loving someone sometimes means setting boundaries to protect not only yourself but also THEM from causing more damage. You may need to put that boundary in place with your mother, but that doesn't mean you (and your son can't love her) it means you have to love her in a way that keeps you safe AND keeps her safe from hurting herself further and yourself more.

Libre2Love

10-14-2009, 03:31 AM

Redpepper, big hugs to you. You're very strong...I don't know if I will ever be able to tell my parents. Sigh.

LovingRadiance

10-14-2009, 05:02 AM

Congrats rp on the "win" Mono popped on to tell us about!

Fidelia

10-14-2009, 01:58 PM

:D Yeah, Mono posted that things went very well indeed at the doctor's. WOOT! :D

I hope your mum wakes up and smells the coffee now. Good luck on that front! :D

redpepper

10-14-2009, 02:15 PM

Thanks for all your support. I will tell all as soon as I can. I'm just so exhausted by it all and trying to gain my strength back.

I'm also waiting to see what the reaction will be. If I don't hear from them in a couple of days I will call and tell them how it went.

If she continues on the path she has been on then my husband and I will give her an ultimatum and she will have to decide if she wants to be in our lives or not.

If she decides that she can live with the fact that my boy is okay and not being damaged then I will request that in order for me to gain some trust back that she tell all those she has talked to where she is at now with the whole thing. I mostly want her to tell her coworkers as she works in the same field as Mono and has possibly caused damage to his reputation.

LovingRadiance

10-14-2009, 09:18 PM

That sounds like a sound plan RP. I will be praying for the best possible outcome. I can only imagine your struggle and I look forward to hearing that it all worked out well. Keep your head up, try to get some rest and remind yourself that it may be a rough road, but it's a beautiful worthy road as well.

redpepper

10-15-2009, 06:30 PM

So I took my boy to the doctor on Tuesday and my husband took time off work to come along too. The doctor asked us what had been going on in our relationship as he had heard that I had another partner. I told him I did and that he has become a strong hold in our life and family. The doctor asked me if he is living with us to which I answered no. This seemed to surprise him as it seems he was lead to believe he did. He asked how my boys bowels and bladder are doing and if he is having accidents in his pants still. I left it up to my boy to answer his questions as much as possible as I thought it better coming from him.

The doctor asked if it would be okay to give him a check up and my boy agreed. He seemed to know that there was something "big" going on and was articulate in his communication (look who raises him!;)) and helpful. He had never heard of Mono being talked about as my other partner, only as a close friend and someone I love. I wondered what he thought of that.

The doctor checked him over and then announced that he could see no signs of there being anything unusual and apologized for having to follow up. He said that he thought our boy was very healthy emotionally and physically and that he wished he saw families that seemed as well adjusted as ours seems to be. He marveled at how level headed, communicative and rational we all were in light of our unconventional arrangement and complimented us on the good job we were doing raising our son. We replied that this life style is nothing new to us and that we are very comfortable and happy within it. Our goal is to create an atmosphere of love and support for our boy and each other in whatever form that takes.

He said he thought my mum was very persuasive and dramatic about the whole thing and was concerned that his relationship with her may be tarnished in some way as a result of his not agreeing with her. I told him that she would drop it now and that it was not uncommon for her to be dramatic. We have come to clashed before in our lives and this was no different than when I came out as a lesbian or got drunk at a school dance as a teen. She caused as much drama those times.

After a few days I talked to my dad on the phone and told him how it went. He reminded me to keep trying to reach out to my mum. I was furious with him. I am so hurt and un-trusting of her motivation at this point. I told him that she had a lot of work to do to patch that up between us and that I needed to spend my time recouperating at the moment. He understood and for the first time told me that she has problems and he intends to see that she addresses them.

Later in the evening I got an email from my mum that said she was glad that the doctor had given my boy a clean bill of health and that she was doing what "the family" had told her to do and was in therapy. It was said with a an irritated tone, but at Mono's suggestion I chose to ignore it when I wrote back.

I said that I thought that therapy is beneficial to anyone and hoped she got something out of it. I asked her to tell everyone she had consulted about the situation that my boy had got a clean bill of health, especially her co-workers who work in the same job area as Mono does, as his name has been slandered in our opinion. This was our request not mono's as he seems to be unworried about that point. I managed to muster up that I look forward to spending time with her when she has accepted that I have my own life and will raise my child how I see fit. I told her I don't expect her understanding in that, but do expect her acceptance if she wants to be in our lives more fully. She then wrote back and said she didn't think anything she said would adversely affect him so not to worry and that she looks forward to the future too... I wrote back and said "heres to the future then"... with a smiley face.

So, there is movement.... now I just need to get back on my feet emotionally and I will be as right as rain... the ball is in her court, but I feel as if I can at least be around her and deal with her on a day to day level. I am enjoying this new relationship with my dad. We have decided to make a habit of going out for tea and spending time together. He is a wonderful man and interesting to talk to. It's my hope that we can talk about other things than our family life at some point, but we will see...

Thanks for listening and being supportive. I hope that by spending the time typing all this story out it has been helpful to those who read it... that is all I ask.

:)

LovingRadiance

10-15-2009, 07:59 PM

I'm glad that the doctor was so level-headed. It's not easy and I know you must be exhausted by the whole thing. But you did it right and you did it well and you deserve a big pat on the back.
Go to your "hidey hole" as we say up here, lick your wounds, regain your strength and enjoy the love you have from your family.

aussielover

10-15-2009, 10:01 PM

I'm so glad the dr was open minded and saw that your son is just fine. *HUGS* Hopefully things will start to get better and her therapist is just as open minded and can help her deal.

Fidelia

10-15-2009, 10:27 PM

:D I am so unspeakably glad things went well at the doctors' office. And that your mum's decided to go for therapy . . . WOW! :D

:D

:D

redpepper

11-30-2009, 06:39 AM

So, just a catch up from the past month.

It seems that there has been little to no head way but then I think again that perhaps there has. Especially in me.

I went for a birthday tea today at a proper British tea room (my ancestry is Welsh). This is perhaps the last vestige of connection (I love a good cup of tea :) makes me happy) I have with my parents I realized so I sat and was sad.

They seemed older than I remember them four months ago, before we came out. They seemed more unable to comprehend too. They are just unwilling to accept it seems and are unwilling to talk about it.

I gave them the book "love without limits" recently and told them that is the closest thing I knew of to help them. They had read it but didn't want to talk about it... well, my mum skimmed it. I talked about Mono's job being extended for another two years and that he was happy with that because it meant he could make his child support payments and could eat as well. They changed the subject after talking under their breath to each other the whole time when I got to the end of my story. They talked at length about their lives and I realized that nothing has changed. Not one single thing. There were several indications that my opinion was worth nothing to them, that what I had to say about myself was uninteresting, that what stories I had to tell, accept for ones about their grandchild were boring to them and from my mum that she is right and I am wrong about a good many things such as swine flu shots etc....

What was this all for then?
Really, why did we bother?

The only thing I can think of is that coming out has created space for us, by virtue of the fact that they don't want to be around us because it means that they have to deal with our honesty, openness and our need to set out boundaries clearly and in a timely fashion now that they know we have Mono to think about and are not going to bend to their idea of what we should do that would suit them better.

As it stands now we will not be seeing them on my birthday, for the first time since they moved here, we will not be spending birthday time with my brother who has a birthday a couple of days before mine, we will not be spending Christmas with my brother and his girlfriend and them, and it is doubtful that I will see them at all over the holidays except to drop my son off to visit them for a couple of days.

This is huge change for me as we have always been very close and as the child of an immigrant family, have spent every moment possible with each other because we were it. There was no extended family growing up.

I know that this might sound strange to someone who has an extended family or just isn't that close to theirs. It does to my husband who is surrounded in this city by family he never sees and by Mono who thinks being close is a phone call away as his family live on the opposite coast, but to me this is huge.

I am sad, and scared. I have put myself out there in my beliefs that creating family is the best way for me and now I have to put my money where my mouth is it seems. There is no other way now, I have to live it. Part of me is happy with the out come as I look forward to a quiet close family Christmas with my men, my boy and me, but part of me wonders if I should of sucked it up in order to please my blood family.

In my parenting course we are taking this would be considered a fight for independence, what I have just been through... Could it be possible to still be fighting for independence at 40?! I guess so as we also learned in our course that when one doesn't get through the stages of independence that should end at 21-23 then we keep fighting for them. Is that what I have been doing all this time and is that what coming out has done? Forced that last stage to finally happen?

NeonKaos

11-30-2009, 02:39 PM

This might sound corny, but is really IS their loss. But really, not a lot of time has passed since you had the big talk.

It warms my heart to know that you will never put your own son through this kind of BS.

That's all you can do - control your OWN actions.

I know you know this already.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better right now.

redpepper

11-30-2009, 03:54 PM

Oh I've given the wrong impression. While I am am sad and adjusting to my new surroundings so to speak, it is better.

Independence is better.

Thanks though ygirl. A magic wand would be helpful under these circumstances for sure, but then the learning wouldn't happen and that is what makes life worth living isn't it? :)

Erosa

11-30-2009, 04:54 PM

Aw... :( I'm sorry things have been rough. I do hope that you are able to grow and move past though.

((hugs))

LovingRadiance

12-01-2009, 01:26 AM

I'm moved RP by how well thought out your post is. It sounds like you are really growing again through this new dynamic (of being "out" to your family). That's not easy for sure-but it's good anyway.

I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe is right for you AND for caring that it's hard not only for you and your chosen family-but also your bio-family. Only they can choose what their next course of action will be. But you have shown that you have fortitude and a great big heart and those two things are WONDERFUL!

I do understand exactly what you mean about the loss. I'm very close with my family. they didn't react like yours-if they did that owuld be very hard. GG was also very close to his family and they flat cut him off. So he's lost them completely from his life. Fortunately mine (and Maca's) has pulled him in. He's still going to grieve the loss of his, but he's not going to do it alone.

I hope your family in time learns to accept all of you for who you are, as you are.

XO!

Mark1npt

12-01-2009, 03:40 AM

RP...you are one strong, independent gal! You've got more guts, heart and love than just about any women I've had the chance to converse with in my 52 years....and yes you and the rest of us will struggle til the day we die to become fully independent from our parents. It is the curse of us children!

Of course, our parents view it quite differently.....as my wife and I were throwing around the idea of having kids about 22 years ago, I nonchalantly took a poll of about 100 of my patients during that year. The results? 99% in favor of their having had kids......99% preferred having had boys. I had two, thank my lucky stars! The real honest, sharpest response I had was from a 78 yo Jewish grandmother, when I asked her to describe what it was like to have kids...her response? "It's eternal!" She reminded me that she worried every day about her children and their children and would, no matter how old they were....... til the day she died.

You've done everything you can to help your family understand, RP.......unfortunately some older generations, or more conservative types can't wrap their heads around many of today's lifestyle choices, not just ours. Some Jewish families, can't embrace the new Catholic wife, some ethnic tribes will never recognize anyone who marries outside their clan. You can't live your one and only life to please everyone else at the expense of your own life or love, or happiness. And there are just way too many dysfunctional people out there who haved lived long, painful, unhappy lives the old traditional way....and expect us to, too! I'm sorry, but my one life to live is mine, not theirs.

You are a great mother and wife, from what I've read....... and lover, too (well...... I'm taking certain people's word on that!) It certainly hurts to know that our old families may shun or disown us, but remember....You have started your own chain, your new family with your husband, your son and now Mono.....at some point all of our older family will be gone anyway and we'll have only our "new" family left around us. Isn't it quite comforting to know that you've laid out such a great foundation for the rest of your life? You have another half life to live, atleast. Enjoy it, with the people you love, who have the chance to live it and share it with you. Certainly you will miss your old family members, or your old way of life, surely as you will when they pass on to the big old spaceship in the sky!

I know this can't make it all better for you, but hugs to you and your own new clan.:)

redpepper

12-01-2009, 08:12 AM

Thanks Mark and LR for your kind words. I am actually doing rather well in all this, even if it is a sad realization. It's also rather freeing :D I have learned how important it is to stand up for what I think is right for me in a quiet, solid kind of way. Hard for me to do at times as I am passionate, but important. Sometimes its just best to let time take it's course and tie oneself to the mast to get through it all.

Nice to see you are around Mark... it's been awhile and I hope things are well. Drop me a line and tell me your news?

RickPlus

02-12-2010, 08:36 PM

OMG.
Red Pepper, this is so horrible. I can't say how sorry I am.

I've been reading all of the old posts, and have not been commenting on them, but I had to say this is more awful than I could imagine. My parents were very loving people and it seems so horribly wrong that THEY would be the ones doing this to you.

You son is a very fortunate young man. You all have my most profound sympathies.

Rick

FitChick

02-13-2010, 06:37 AM

You are a very courageous woman RP,and I thank you for sharing this with us. Although I am late in reading this thread, I felt I had to post and offer my support to you,because you have been through some incredible emotional pain yet still show strength and determination to be true to yourself,the men in your life and of course your son. You rock!!

Seasnail

02-13-2010, 04:54 PM

Because sometimes actions speak more eloquently than words.

redpepper

02-13-2010, 08:40 PM

Not much has changed with all that is going on. I am staying really quiet lately in light of the polygamy law that is up for debate in Canada. I don't want them finding out about it and using it against me.

I think at this point they are trying to keep their distance and not ask questions. It's sort of a respect for our space thing. Which is fine with me.

Yesterday Mono picked me up for our Valentine's date. I stood outside with a bouquet of flowers and my over night bag. My dad drove by in the car with my son, as he had picked him up for school and took him to their house to watch the opening of the olympics, eat some supper and have him over night. He pullded over and said nothing. Just opened the car window so I could say hi to my boy and give him a kiss and chat. My dad looked me up and down like I was a street worker waiting for a John. I was jolly enough, cause really what else could I be, and told them to have fun and enjoy the olympics. He shut the window without a word and drove off. I had, yet again, that feeling of a golf ball stuck in my throat. I have that a lot with them where my son is concerned.

Ya, not much has changed. It's silent judgement now. I try to tell myself that is better... but really I want it to be okay. I doubt it ever will be.

LovingRadiance

02-14-2010, 04:39 AM

BIG BIG hug.
I hope your date was nice.
I'm sorry that you got the "cold shoulder". That sucks.

Time can do amazing things RP. Look at Maca. Who'd have thought we'd EVER be where we are today considering where we were?

It really hasn't been long in the big scheme.

Give Mono and Poly a big hug and kiss for being so good and standing by as your men through it.

XOXOXOX

Fidelia

02-14-2010, 04:57 AM

*Hugs*
Drag. Sorry, hon. Really. :(

Perhaps someday silent judgment will give way to grudging tolerance, which can grow into hesitant acceptance, which often clears the way for, well, peace. :o

I hope you and Mono enjoyed an awesome date night.

MonoVCPHG

02-14-2010, 07:01 AM

Yes we did!

polytriad

02-17-2010, 04:38 PM

Hello,

I think your parents will come around. They have to because you are their child and they HAVE to love you. I would say give them some time. My parents did not approve of my relationship either but I cut them off because I wasnt going to let them take away from my happiness,,,and you know what happened? They reached out to me. I was content with staying inside my OWN family and if they could come around then they meant they was hurting themselves by not being in my live. So hang in there!

redpepper

02-17-2010, 07:52 PM

Thank you polytriad. I appreciate your words of wisdom on this. They give me hope.

redpepper

03-23-2010, 07:24 AM

So it's been a couple of monthes since I wrote on here, but there has been some good news and I like to try and spread that around too.

My parents went on a trip to Hawaii this last month for two weeks. It was during the olympics and while they were there there was an earth quake in south America that caused a tzunami in hawaii.

So, the thing was not a biggy really, but to my dramatic mother these things are ALWAYS a big deal and she fussed greatly.... called me several times, worried frantically, the whole bit. I was in Vancouver taking in the games a bit and my brother lives there, so we were able to be together as we waited for the emergency to pass. It all was okay and nothing came of it, but it changed things a bit I think.

When they came back they made a bee line to our house to celebrate Nerdists birthday. He didn't invite them and was not expecting them, but they invited themselves and helped make homemade pizza with our family..... and Mono was there!!!! They were relaxed and chatty and very friendly toward him!

It has been several weeks now and we have gotten back into having afternoon tea on Sundays again. my mum has said a few things that are on the verge on an apology in terms of mentioning that she sometimes flies off the handle and screws things up, that she knows I don't trust her anymore, etc. she has been very careful not to ask personal questions as has my dad and both of them keep their distance and haven't gotten back into calling or dropping by every night without being announced.

It's baby steps and I still find myself being quiet about what I am doing in my life, but I have also taken to heart their worry that I don't have a strong relationship with my boy and have been working hard at finding things he and I like to do together.

So there it is.... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and being very careful... but it's a step in a positive direction.

CielDuMatin

03-23-2010, 12:52 PM

Wow that really does sound like some positive movement. Glad it is happening for you!

booklady78

03-24-2010, 03:25 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this RP. With everything I'm going through with my Dad right now, this gives me hope.

GroundedSpirit

03-24-2010, 09:48 PM

It's baby steps and I still find myself being quiet about what I am doing in my life, but I have also taken to heart their worry that I don't have a strong relationship with my boy and have been working hard at finding things he and I like to do together.

So there it is.... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and being very careful... but it's a step in a positive direction.

Awesome RP :)

Time seems to cure a lot of things doesn't it ? If we can just hang on !

GS

redpepper

03-29-2010, 05:13 AM

Booklady made me think I should give a little up date.... as inspiration to her and hopefully others.

So I decided that the way to make change in my relationship with my parents was to call them once a week and if possible arrange to see them once a week. We seem to of worked this out to be for Sunday afternoon tea. My parents are Welsh and this suite them fine. "Tea" has always bonded us together. It is a memory from my childhood that has carried us into the present as a good and relaxing time together.

The other thing I have been doing is to make plans with them that are inspired by us rather than them. It seems that if they make the plans then if we need to change them or have our own agenda for whatever reason that they become controlling and sometimes unreasonable. It's almost as if, when we make the plans, we are the hosts to the occasion and what we say goes and therefore they feel they can sit back and we will take care of things... does that make sense?

Anyway, today I called my mum as it's the end of the week and this is the day I call. I asked what the plan is for Easter, if any, to which she replied there isn't one. My brother isn't coming to visit from out of town, so it will just be us in town. I suggested we have a potluck supper next Sunday for Easter. My mum asked where... I said that it depended if Mono was welcome at their house an my mum said with a shrugging kind of voice, "sure, what the heck."

bingo, she is giving up her fight little by little. :)

It will be the first time he has been to there house since last August. Really, what is the point of her holding on to her arguments, he isn't going away. My relationship with her is recovering to a point where we do not discuss thing that trigger us, but at least can be in each others lives...

Derbylicious

03-29-2010, 06:09 PM

I was talking with my husband last night about coming out to family. I'm not ready to come out to my family yet, they are a fairly religious bunch. My husband on the other hand thinks it may be time to tell his parents. It would make things a lot easier on us if they knew. His parents live fairly close by and have been picking up on things that aren't exactly typical. So it may just be better to tell them what is actually going on rather than having them make up stories in their heads.

Your story gives me hope that even if we don't get acceptance right away that there is a chance that they will slowly warm up to the idea.

We were joking about making a drinking game out of it by making a list of things that we think they will say and taking a drink (or better yet having them take a drink) every time they say one of them. :D

I hope you have an awesome Easter dinner with all of your family.

-Derby

LovingRadiance

03-29-2010, 06:16 PM

The other thing I have been doing is to make plans with them that are inspired by us rather than them. It seems that if they make the plans then if we need to change them or have our own agenda for whatever reason that they become controlling and sometimes unreasonable. It's almost as if, when we make the plans, we are the hosts to the occasion and what we say goes and therefore they feel they can sit back and we will take care of things... does that make sense?
Yep! I was thinking "well you are the host/hostess then" just before I read that line! Yep, makes GREAT sense!

My mum asked where... I said that it depended if Mono was welcome at their house an my mum said with a shrugging kind of voice, "sure, what the heck."

EXCELLENT!!! Patience is winning. Good job on all of your parts for being patience and diligent about being true to yourselves!! I know it wasn't easy RP-but you are finally getting to the meat that makes it all worth it!
I hope your Easter is GREAT!

confidence

03-29-2010, 07:13 PM

This is an excellent story and one that I'm sooo glad is being shared. I was lucky enough to be someone whose one parent was very supportive regarding my relationships. My boyfriend was not so lucky but his family was not as much hostile as ambivelant. I know this is not always the case though and the positive story should go a long ways to inspiring others who may encounter problems. Patience and honesty is the best anyone can ask for and I really believe that in most cases, when you act in that way, most people will cone around.

I hope your dinner is excellent and the understanding between you all continues to grow.

<3

confidence.

redpepper

04-06-2010, 05:48 AM

Sometimes it seems it is necessary to pick what to be guilty for with my parents.

This weekend, being Easter, we had if all planned out that we would have Easter dinner with my parents and all four of us. I made some items to take to their house and Mono was to come too for the first time since our coming out. We were all set to go and then my brother showed up with his girlfriend. No problem, since we decided that if they show up that we are not going to drop our plans necessarily, but work around them as much as we can. We used to feel as if we should drop everything as that was the expectation.

Nerdist had an over night date with his boyfriend planned and we had to kind of skirt the topic about where he was on Friday night and why he couldn't make it for an impromptu dinner at our house. There was disappointment and confusion about why he would be out at all on a Friday, let alone over night... shouldn't he be at home with his wife and child???!! :p

Mono and I made dinner and everyone enjoyed themselves... my mum even helped him make one of the dishes and we later all sat around and chatted into the evening while doing a puzzle.

Because Mono had been there and because my brothers girlfriend mentioned at one point that she thought my mum was still uncomfortable a bit, we decided that Mono would now not go to the Easter dinner that was originally planned and would make other plans instead. This so as to give us all some pre Mono family time.

Well, my mum was disappointed and so was everyone else. She had gone out of the way to make it especially nice with chocolate bunnies at our place setting and the whole bit. A quick potluck dinner had turned into a big deal and we didn't know it. So we felt bad.... and were made to feel guilty because of their disappointment... so it goes in our family, one must always feel guilty and that they have disappointed in some way... it's a constant state that keeps us all balanced it seems.

We remarked later however that it felt better to feel guilty because Mono wasn't there than to feel guilty because he was there... which is what it felt like previously. A very different feeling :) From now on I think we will work on manipulating situations in order to make sure we feel guilty for what we want to feel guilty about rather than what we really feel guilty about (does that make sense). My men are catching on to my survival method in my family ;) sad, but necessary strategy I'm afraid.

Mono showed up in time for dessert and all went well :)

LovingRadiance

04-06-2010, 04:25 PM

NeonKaos

04-06-2010, 05:08 PM

To me it sounds like Brother's Girlfriend™ was uncomfortable HERSELF (perhaps a bit concerned that RedPepper's Brother™ might also have inherited the Polyamorous Gene™?) and was trying to foist the responsibility for her own feeling onto RedPepper's Mom™.

Way to go, Brother's Girlfriend™.

redpepper

04-06-2010, 06:26 PM

RP-

I mean NO disrespect here, but it sounds like the whole family needs to mentally tell the sister in law to buzz off.

In this example I would say the mistake was in listening to her. It would have been better to ask your mom, "hey, mom it was SO nice having you all over this evening and we've REALLY enjoyed ourselves. I know we have plans for Easter, I just wanted to be sure that there weren't any new details I should know..."

That way if she WAS wanting to "uninvite" (way rude in Ms. Manners book) Mon she could do so herself.

One of those details we all talked about on the communication thread... but it's hard to put into practice with people we've had "unhealthy" communication with our whole lives.

I would start practicing it with them though. Never assume ANY single one of them knows what another is thinking.. so if one says another one wants/feels/needs, go back to the other one and verify it. You don't have to start a rumor mill with "so and so said you...". You can just say "hey mom/dad/bro/sil, I was thinking you might like... but I thought I should ask" or "hey m/d/b/s, how do you feel about...."

They may hem and haw, but you will be teaching (through example) much healthier self-responsibility for speaking the truth of what they need/want etc.
AND if your son witnesses your actions it will help him be more confident in using the good communication skills he's learning with you, PolyN and Mon at home-out in the 'real' world too!

;)

No offense taken, I totally agree, I should of checked with them specifically. My parents weren't present for our puzzle time talk and a lot came out about their disappointment about me disappearing from their lives to pursue Mono. They saw it as perminant. I saw it as an adjustment time. Essentially I am asking them to invite Mono into our extended family. They didn't get that and thought I was chosing him over them. This is what I was told by my brother and his girlfriend. I was told that they still thought that way and in a quick rash decision to make it right, Mono and I agreed he should back away a bit.

See, our family has always worked by way of control through making others feel guilty. Control by imposing on each others independant thought and lives. I have only realized this in the last few years and they haven't realized this at all. I guess I realized the second part of that, but not the guilt part. I have been doing the same thing in terms of control and have worked hard to not do that any more. At the same time I have worked hard to not feel guilty for things that are not my issue. We're talking a life time here and a cultural thing in that they are British and came from a culture of guilt and control in a general sense (not saying that all Brits experience that).

I have learned a lot from my husband about not playing into control through guilt and imposing on others independant thought and from people on here. I wrote a thread last year about guilt and was surprised that no one got why I felt guilty. It made me wonder if I should. Very helpful in my endless self discovery.

I can't change them and their ways. I can do as I would have done to me and be an example of how I want to be treated. I know that and do that, but it will take time and it is early days yet.

I know something about what makes them happy and feeling considered, that used to be to not invite Mono to every family event. I guess that has changed and I will adjust. I don't buy it, but will check in to be sure next time. The trouble is that checking doesn't mean I get a straight answer and I am often left guessing if I have been placated. Ah well, its a work in progress.

GreenGecko

04-06-2010, 08:49 PM

LR and I and her sister went to church on Easter. It's the church we like most of all we've gone to, but it's also my parent's church.

I was nervous, but we went because it was time for us to go there again. I honestly don't remember the last time we were there, over a year, maybe closer to 2. But I haven't even spoken to my mother in a year, since I ended our relationship, BECAUSE of my lifestyle and my goals and my priorities.

She (they) know nothing about us being a "poly" family, although we've all been living together since 2003. But my stepfather's decision to try and control my life and the lives of my family (LR/Maca/the kids) by saying our lives weren't blessed and that things could be fixed if we'd only do as he instructed, forced me to make the decision to cut them off altogether.

I know my mother may not approve of my lifestyle, but she loves me and if I believed in it as much as I do, she'd be fine with it and ever accepting with open loving arms. However, she chose to side with her husbands desisions and in doing so, lost out.

I know it's hard, especially with your parents not accepting you for who you are. All I wanted was for them to be my parents and encourage me in doiong something I believed in that wasn't hurting anyone, nor myself, and just be glad I'm happy. But sometimes that's way too much to expect, or even desire.

BUT... the good part is, that dispite that sad part of your life, you DO have a family that loves you and encourages you and accepts you for who you are, and is thrilled that you've found something in your life that makes you not only happy, but all worth it in the end. =o)

And you have an extended family as well...US! =o)

Hang in there Kiddo! God told me once that it wasn't my job to make them understand. My job was to do as he instructed and that was love, support, encourage, and strengthen this family. The rest is His responsibility. ...if you believe in that sort of thing, that is. =o)

You know your job, do it the best you can, with all you've got. (Not sure if I'm really the one to say that right now, but I am anyway).

Show your child that dispite the heartaches, there is love. And the greatest there is, is love. =o)

You're doing great, RP! Much love to you and your family!! =o)