New Friendship Anxiety

[MonoVCPHG]

This thread is about my reaction to the idea of forming friendships; just friendships, platonic, non sexual, friends. I'm not looking to be retrained or debated but to stimulate some conversation and sharing.

I have always been a person who generally has one or two very close friend and lots of peripheral friends who are much more surface level relationships. Anyone outside of my very close circle is appreciated as a person but has little affect on me in the long run. If those associations end due to relocation or misunderstanding I simply don't feel loss.

Last night while at a monthly Poly meeting, one of my group friends asked for my e-mail simply because they respect me and think I would be fun to hang out with sometimes. She is one of the few people I am completely comfortable with in our poly meetings and have a genuine interest in her well being. Even so, I immediately gave my spiel of not liking to have too many friends, being a very private person and hard to get a hold of. I did however say I would enjoy getting together followed up by instant anxiety.

I felt as though even the simple prospect of having someone calling me to get together would cut into "my" time which is devoted to Redpepper, her family and myself. Because I need so few close people in my life, I almost find active friendships to hinder my ability to spend time with those I love as well as myself.

There is no doubt I am much more open to investing in relationships on a much deeper level since I began my journey with Redpepper. But I do find more and more of my discoveries to be re-enforcing my mono wiring. There is a certain inflexibility in my nature that makes me pause. This does concern me a little bit but in an undefined way..or maybe a way I'm not willing to define yet ;)

[River]

Mono,

Having several close friends simultaniously can be very rewarding and enriching.

In my own past, I was much like you -- generally only having one or maybe two people around I'm close with/to. Part of that is probably related to my Myers-Briggs/Keirsey temperament (INFP -- introversion), but part of it relates to childhood abuse and neglect, which made me somewhat socially withdrawn in my young days. Gradually, I'm becoming more of an "ambivert" (google it).

Allowing yourself to unfold and change can bring color and depth and zing to your life. Don't cling to who you think you are, but let yourself become what you are becoming. I'd say. Accept the challenges of allowing more people get close to you, and I think you will not regret it.

[MonoVCPHG]

Allowing yourself to unfold and change can bring color and depth and zing to your life. Don't cling to who you think you are, but let yourself become what you are becoming. I'd say. Accept the challenges of allowing more people get close to you, and I think you will not regret it.


Redpepper would probably mimic this exact statement. The only thing I can commit to is that I won't prevent change to occur. Great comment JRM.

[AutumnalTone]

So what's behind the anxiety over the "my" time? Is it due to a disruption of the security provided by daily habit? That any change is likely to scramble everything? A fear that you'll miss out on something important with Redpepper? Fear that the closeness with Redpepper will diminish if you're not spending all that time with her?

[MonoVCPHG]

So what's behind the anxiety over the "my" time? Is it due to a disruption of the security provided by daily habit? That any change is likely to scramble everything? A fear that you'll miss out on something important with Redpepper? Fear that the closeness with Redpepper will diminish if you're not spending all that time with her?

No disruption worries. This has been this way for me ever since I was a kid, nothing new or specific to Redpepper.

I guess because I am so structured within my career I don't want many things to be too structured outside of work.

There is the admission that I simply don't feel the need to be connected to many people either. I open myself up completely to one person and leave myself fully vulnerable to them..Redpepper in this case. I won't do that with others and so my relationships can deepen with a few but remain very superficial with most.

I don't adhere to the concept of all people being connected and am happy in that. Maybe how I relate to friends is an indication of how I relate to the world...hmmmm

[NeonKaos]

I don't adhere to the concept of all people being connected and am happy in that. Maybe how I relate to friends is an indication of how I relate to the world...hmmmm

If you don't want many friends and you prefer to prioritize your "free" or "spare" time to the ones you value most, that is your prerogative and no one else's choice to make but your own.

You don't "need" to do anything you don't need to do. If you want to go on a Buddhist Retreat where you don't speak to anyone, that's fine too. No one should feel like they "have" to connect with people just because they co-exist. Being a social butterfly is over-rated. You do not owe anyone a relationship (except maybe your kid because you helped create it).

[MonoVCPHG]

If you don't want many friends and you prefer to prioritize your "free" or "spare" time to the ones you value most, that is your prerogative and no one else's choice but your own.



You have a wondeful way of making people feel alright about themselves :D

[River]

I'd be happy to have more of what I call "intimate friends" than I do. I could easly have five or six in the innermost circle!

(I don't use the term "intimacy" as a synonym for sex, as Mono has been doing. Intimacy is closeness, honesty, openness, expressivenes, vulnerability, truth-telling....)

Actually, I met one of my most intimate friends here in this forum! -- though he lives in England and I in the USA. (Here he is!: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=161) We live-chatted and emailed daily for what must have been many weeks, and now we do all of that every other day or after several days--week at most. This has been for months and months, now. This has been my most intimate relationship which hasn't been face-to-face. Sometimes it really bothers me that we can't simply go for a walk or hike together, or meet at the local pub for a brew! But he plans to visit with me
f2f come next summer -- crossing the ocean and meeting me on this side of the pond!

[NeonKaos]

You have a wondeful way of making people feel alright about themselves :D

You're welcome; in this case I happen to empathize with you.

Edit: I actually don't know you that well at all, so maybe "sympathize" is more appropriate. In any case, I feel the same way about it as you described.

[River]

We all have to live the way that works best for us. I'm happy that there's a lot of differences, variety, diversity in how that is.

[XYZ123]

I'm somewhat similar to you Mono, but for different reasons. Part of me would like to have more close intimate friends (used in JRs way) but I tend to find myself being somewhat used by many. I have a personality which drives me to do all I can to make others happy. Unfortunately, many people happily take advantage of that. So I don't make many close friends anymore. Many people know alot about my life. I'm fine with being a wide open book. But that doesn't mean they're close as they don't have any real effect on my life. The few that I truly love and am really invested in are the few I trust to be in a reciprocal relationship with me.

I want to be a snot now and send you a friend request. :p

[vandalin]

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

That would be me. I am that friend when they are in need. But for some strange reason, I don't feel that they would be very helpful to me when I am in need. Some, maybe. My Cajun, always. But most...I don't think so. Most I don't even get to talk to unless there is some drama going on in their life and need to talk to me.

In fact except for my husband, and hopefully now Elric, I don't really have any intimate (JR version) friends and don't really think that I have had since high school...maybe even middle school/junior high. Kinda sucks and gets lonely. Maybe I'm so used to being everyone else's "friend in need" that I can't show that sometimes I need? When you are expected to be the "strong" one, it's hard not to be.

I did try talking to one friend about some of my emotional problems, in hopes of making her feel better about her own and now every time she talks to me, she'll ask how I'm doing but it sounds more like she's just waiting for me to break down, not wanting me to but expecting it almost. Heh, if only she knew!

So Mono, I think I know what you mean. I kinda shy away from new, closer friendships even though I do crave them.

[MonoVCPHG]

I want to be a snot now and send you a friend request. :p

:mad: That's pushing it.....;)

[NeonKaos]

I want to be a snot now and send you a friend request. :p


This!

[redpepper]

I want to be a snot now and send you a friend request. :p

Hey! You can send me one. I am totally unlike mono.... the more potential friends the better as far as I'm concerned.

[XYZ123]

Hey! You can send me one. I am totally unlike mono.... the more potential friends the better as far as I'm concerned.

As a secondary friend wanting to be friends with you while you already have several primaries, I feel I must ask Mono if this would be ok and if he needs some time to think it over. After all, coming into the friendship, I must move at the most uncomfortable person's pace. ;)

Ah hell, on second thought, I'm sending a request. How do you like THAT Mono? Bwahahahaha.

[XYZ123]

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

That would be me. I am that friend when they are in need. But for some strange reason, I don't feel that they would be very helpful to me when I am in need. Some, maybe.But most...I don't think so. Most I don't even get to talk to unless there is some drama going on in their life and need to talk to me.

So Mono, I think I know what you mean. I kinda shy away from new, closer friendships even though I do crave them.

You described what I was trying to get at so much better than I was able to. Thanks..

[MonoVCPHG]

Ah hell, on second thought, I'm sending a request. How do you like THAT Mono? Bwahahahaha.

That's it!...I'm out :eek: Haha I'm such a brat :D

[XYZ123]

That's it!...I'm out :eek: Haha I'm such a brat :D

Check your messages. Hahaha. Don't hurt my feelings now....;)

[NeonKaos]

I was telling one of the other members here who I'm friends with now on FB that it's obvious which one Mono is, but I'm too intimidated to request him. He can always request me if he feels so inclined. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm honestly completely freaked out by this Facebook thing...the forums have lost a little bit of safety for me for some reason...hmmmm what now I wonder.

[NeonKaos]

I'm honestly completely freaked out by this Facebook thing...the forums have lost a little bit of safety for me for some reason...hmmmm what now I wonder.


aww.. you make it sound so sinister! You can tweak your privacy preferences you know!

[MonoVCPHG]

nothing to do with privacy..something different and bigger...I have a little processing to do...:confused:

[NeonKaos]

Sorry if I crossed a line with you dude!

I hope you don't give my remarks too much credit out of proportion.

[MonoVCPHG]

No line crossing..this forum just took on a very similar feeling to our poly meetings in some ways....I just need some time to figure out what that means.

Thanks for the concern.

[NeonKaos]

Well I know better than to try to flirt with you! Can't say the same about RP though! At least I'm 3 times zones away.

[MonoVCPHG]

HAHA! You don't know Redpepper very well :)

[NeonKaos]

HAHA! You don't know Redpepper very well :)


I realize that.

What are you saying, that she's capable of time-travel, too?

That is just fabulous.

[MonoVCPHG]

she made the last 8 months fly by...maybe she is!

[NeonKaos]

she made the last 8 months fly by...maybe she is!

I thought of the same thing when it comes to Y, but being without him, it has made the summer go by really slow (which isn't necessarily a bad thing either, if life gives you lemons make lemonade right?).

[MonoVCPHG]

very true!

[NeonKaos]

I don't mean to sound so positive when I'm really feeling cynical and snarky.

[MonoVCPHG]

Don't worry..I'm feeling pretty cynical myself LOL!

[XYZ123]

if life gives you lemons make lemonade right?

I prefer breaking out the salt and tequilla.

Mono, I hope you don't think of what I'm doing as serious flirting or intimidating. Seriously-not interested in men outside my hubby. You're entirely safe. Promise.

[MonoVCPHG]

My uncomfortability has nothing to do with worrying about people being interested in me LOL! I just find poly environments and sex positive environments threatening. I am working on it though.

This forum has been a very unthreatening place for me to share, unlike what our poly meetings were. It had something to do with not really seeing people and having some distance. It's lost a little of that for me...wait now..it has outgrown me perhaps. :eek:

[MonoVCPHG]

it has outgrown me perhaps. :eek:

What I mean is that it might be evolving into a level of community that I am not comfortable with. Anyone know of another forum?...just kidding...

[XYZ123]

This forum has been a very unthreatening place for me to share... It had something to do with not really seeing people and having some distance.

Yeah...notice how I haven't posted an avatar, my FB account, my name, or my email.....
One couple here has my IM. And they live faaaaarrrr away and have no idea who I really am. I get what you mean.

(BTW-"uncomfortability"? Can I borrow that word? lol)

[Sunshinegrl]

I'm honestly completely freaked out by this Facebook thing...the forums have lost a little bit of safety for me for some reason...hmmmm what now I wonder.

I like the anonymity Of this place too. That why I havnt put my "real" name out there. So I can understand this.

[MonoVCPHG]

I actually had my picture on here at first. I don't care if people know. I just like to keep a distance between me and other forum members so I don't have certain emotions related to the poly environment of the meetings I go to.