Love, Family, Friendship [Archive]

riftara

02-17-2011, 12:49 PM

R met his GF in High School, around the same time we met. I was dating his best friend at the time. He was shy, reserved. I payed him absolutely no attention, but his best friend, my boy friend, insisted we be nice to each other.

Then he started seeing his GF. We all had to tell them they were together, neither of them know the day they "made it official". They both just agreed to our badgering. I look back now and know we just wanted the drama of another relationship.

A few years go by, and it seems that theirs is the only sexless relationship among us. R and I spent a lot of time together, most me gripping about one thing or another pertaining to my boyfriend. We became friends, I began to love him. I didn't think it was possible to love him when I thought I loved my BF, so I took the most logical step at that point to me, having already cheated on my BF several times. We kissed. I loved it. I loving hanging with him. But although he said he felt things for me too, he didn't want things to go further.

A few more years go by. R and I have short week or two long periods when we kiss and hold hands and allow ourselves to love. Every time I get scared, every time I back off.
Eventually we have sex, just once, and I pulled away completely, cut off all contact with him because of "some other, unrelated thing".

I get married, though I knew I shouldn't have. I cheated in the days leading up to the wedding. I told him, maybe looking for an out, but he said he wanted me to be his wife. I brought up being poly once or twice, not that I was really ready for it then. He almost agreed once, but it didn't change my cheating.
R didn't come to the wedding. He said he knew it wouldnt last and that it didnt mean anything to me. I hated him for that. Though now I know its because he echoed what I felt but could not say.

R and I continued to fool around, though not as often. We didn't have sex again for a long time, after my first marriage broke up and I started to see John. John and I were open from the beginning, so I was free, on my end at least, to see R as i wished.

I still kept my distance, afraid of all sorts of things I couldn't name. A few weeks, a random night here and there, I told him I loved him and backed off almost as quickly as I had jumped to his arms.

Over a year ago, R called me, rather late at night, and said he wanted to really to be lovers again. And that HE wanted to control when the relationship ended. If that was once or a few weeks, or whatever.

I took a few months to respond to that request. Making sure I could handle the stress of that possibility - loosing control. I finally consented. He had given up hope of the prospect, but we made love again that night and we have considered ourselves lovers ever since.

Last summer, R's GF found out about our relationship. She was upset, but didn't flip. Her only consensus was daily sex to him for about a week, then it was back to the once a month of the previous two years.

R's GF is polite to me, offers me trips to the mall and friendship, but I am uncomfortable around most females, especially since I don't know if she knows.

I love R, I know he loves me. I also have always been secure knowing that for whatever reason, him and his GF were always going to be together.
He is talking of leaving her. I'm terrified of that transition.

---
Why does it have to be this way? Why does he have to choose? He has said before that he loves her, and obviously there is some ambivalence on her part as to his sexual relations. I wish I could discuss this with her. I wish I could join her, actually be friends, and help her love him.

riftara

02-17-2011, 01:00 PM

I have lately been devouring Poly books, these boards, and processing a lot.

Is it because of my unmedicated state? I am Bi-Polar and have been without meds for two weeks now. Its a rocky place to be I know. Am I processing this to avoid processing other things? Or is this what I need to be processing?

Is it because of the emanate changes? R and his GF possibly splitting, John and D possibly falling in love.

Is it due to John and I's recent discussions and renewal of intimacy, he has been physically gone from me for a year and a half.

I have also been sleeping less and fretting over the coven and the general future.

I told a friend today about my high school boyfriend's abuse. Not in the general terms I normally do, but specifically. I realized I don't think I've ever done that for John. I know I haven't for any other lover, especially not R. Is it time for me to face that abuse and get past it fully?

I feel like this is a time of growth, even though I am depressed. I want someone to talk this over with, but John is unavailable to me at this moment. All I have is myself, R, and a few close friends. I think it is time I spoke with my high priest about all this.

riftara

03-22-2011, 08:41 PM

I'm in TX right now, with John. All my family and friends, except my son, are in GA.
I love being here with John, but I want to be Home, with R and all the rest of my support. My bi-polar is getting harsh around the edges, I'm on my meds again but I'm feeling unstable.
I don't know if I can handle being out here for more than a month at a time, and I will likely be here for almost 2 next time I come out.

R is having a hard time with his life, and I want to be home to help him, to be there for him. We talk on the phone, but its not the same.

I love John, but I'm not use to him being around. We have spent more of our marriage living apart than living together. Not because of our desire, but because of circumstances and my daughter.

I need a break from my son. I am glad that some women can be around their kids 24/7 but I need a few days every now and then, I think its because of my bi-polar, but I have been with him every minute of the past 2 weeks.

My new meds have also stopped my periods and made me gain weight. Not happy about that. I'm feeling depressed and off balance, I need something to change fast.

SNeacail

03-22-2011, 09:28 PM

I need a break from my son. I am glad that some women can be around their kids 24/7 but I need a few days every now and then, I think its because of my bi-polar, but I have been with him every minute of the past 2 weeks.

If I read your post correctly, your son is 3 or 4. Hire a babysitter and take a break. No one can be cooped up with a kid that age for 24/7 and not feel like they are going to loose their mind:eek:, even without the added stress of bi-polar issues. Hire a sitter on a regular basis, even if it's just for a few hours each time.

riftara

03-22-2011, 09:33 PM

If I read your post correctly, your son is 3 or 4. Hire a babysitter and take a break. No one can be cooped up with a kid that age for 24/7 and not feel like they are going to loose their mind:eek:, even without the added stress of bi-polar issues. Hire a sitter on a regular basis, even if it's just for a few hours each time.

He's 1 1/2. Which for me is even crazier than my 4year old, at least she understands "mom needs to be alone right now".
If I knew any out here, I would. I've been looking for a good one with good references, but no luck yet.

riftara

08-21-2011, 02:56 AM

So R finally did what he said he would do almost 2 years ago, be in control of the ending of our relationship.

He ended it about 3 months ago. I was really hurt, but I'm over it now, he even moved in with me, and so far 10 days of that and there has been no fights and no real tension.

Of course, my new boyfriend, and R's new play toy may have something to do with the lack of tension.

Yep! New Boyfriend... we will call him "F" The relationship is all NRE right now, and since John is again gone, I have the time to spend time with him.

F is so amazing, he is like John in a few ways, but mostly he's different. John has always been a less affectionate guy, but F is very affectionate. John and F have completely different bed room abilities :). They are both nerds and focused. I like nerds what can I say :)

I can see the NRE in this post. F is making me smile all day and I need that right now with John gone and my bi-polar not 100% stable. John is out of communication for the moment, so I can't talk to him, though I write him almost every day. I know he wont get the letters I write for some time but I need to tell him so much. That and I love to write him, cover the pages in hearts and our names like I'm in High School again.

F is making me wish more people knew John and I were poly. Its not something I can reveal without him here and ok with it. Our friends know, and his sister, but not many others.

In fact, I'm going to go call F now :)

riftara

08-22-2011, 02:47 AM

I miss John so much right now, and I wont see him for months. I have some possibilities coming up and I wish I could talk to him about them.

I went to see his parents this weekend, and I miss him even more when I'm down there. Everyone says how much his son looks like him and blah blah blah. I'm the one who has to miss having my husband home.

I want to share this NRE with John! I love when he smiles at my smiling. It reminds me how much he loves me. His interest in my other partners is always honest and supportive, even when he vetos a potential partner.

Im afraid of leaning to much on F, expecting him to take on to much. he is such a great guy, and he understands as much as he can, I just know I need to set aside time that would be John's if he were here but I need support and F is giving it to me well at the moment. I dont want to be away from him because it helps me not miss John - just a little but it helps.

Writing John makes me feel a little better, and there are other things that help, but all in all it sucks not having him here

riftara

09-01-2011, 01:19 PM

So I have gotten a few chances to talk to John over G-talk!!!!!

And F and I took a vacation together. A whole week. His friends were suppose to go but bailed, so he asked me.

John said it was early, but at least it gave me a chance to learn any "oh moment" - you know, that moment you learn the deal breaker.

F was AWESOME, the trip was AWESOME.

I talked to John most days on the trip, and F acted perfectly. I really think that if F can handle everything, that he is the one I've been looking for. He compliments John so well. The two of them are perfect counters that fulfill all my needs. Well, so far. :)

AnnabelMore

09-03-2011, 01:15 AM

Such an exciting time! :)

riftara

09-22-2011, 12:10 AM

So F and I are doing well. I think we are pulling out of NRE and moving into a sustainable level of energy. It feels good to have a strong support, but I realized the other night that I still need R, as my best friend. R knew exactly what to say when I had a breakdown. F hasn't been around long enough to know what the right things to say are. I know that R will always be my best friend, I was worried that things would change after our relationship was romantic for so long, but its the same as we have been for the last decade.

im moving to a new house, and F and I have spent every night since the vacation together (sometimes at his house, but mostly mine), so he has a lot of his things here, it means he is going to either move them back to his place or move them to my new place. When I showed him the new place, he was commenting on how some of his things that are in storage would go well in the new place. It is bigger than what I have now, so I dont have the furniture to fill it and he knows this. He said he would be willing to put some of his things there to fill out the space until I could get some things.

So though it is way too early, we had the move-in talk, the first of many I'm sure. F said he doesnt want to leave his place now, but some of his things have no home right now, and if they work in the house, then he has no problem with them being there (well duh, it was his idea). He also said that he wasnt sure how the whole him and John under the same roof would work, especially if John hates him. He said he wants to move in but he's scared. I know that he will be there all the time, and that if he needs an out he has it, so Im figuring we let it happen naturally.

Speaking of John and F, John is impressed with him, but F is scared that John wont like him. John has never disliked a guy that respected our relationship. and F respects it more than anyone has in the past, except maybe R. I think the next time John is on Gtalk and F is with me, I will have them talk. F wants to hang out with just John for a little bit when he is home.

I am so hopefully, I want F to be what Ive been looking for, he is so far.

riftara

11-09-2011, 11:12 PM

So a lot has happened, but most of it is not really notable. I was in two car wrecks, F was driving in one, and my daughter was in the car, i was driving in the other and i was alone. That led to Tramadol being added to my med regimen and screwing with my actual meds. I spent almost a week in the hospital, F handled it wonderfully.

On other notes, F has moved in, mostly, he still pays rent at his old place but he rarely goes there. I know hes just waiting for John to come home, to take that last test, before he changes his address and stops paying rent there. He helps me pay the bills at the new place and he calls it home.

John will be available for me to talk to again tomorrow. I'm excited. Ill be able to see him again in December. My son misses his daddy. I told him he'd get to talk to his daddy tomorrow. John being home in a month or so is amazing, even though it wont be for long. We get about a month with him before hes off again. and he wants to try to have another baby.

F is good with the kids, he has taken to my son quite well, and my son him. He helps get them to bed and even bought my son a new bed. - a cars toddler bed. He does little things like get juice and reminds them to eat dinner. But I will need help if we have another baby, Im wondering how F will be, if he will help or if I will be alone if John isnt home. Im a group package, and in not to long I will be having another baby.

F is seeing another girl, casually. I like her, and Im ok with the casual thing, I just cant handle him in a relationship right now and I thought that was where it was heading, but a nice talk with them both headed that off, so I think I'm cool with it now. Im going away for the weekend, so F and his girl will spend some alone time together. We will see if Im ok with them next week.

John coming home is going to make or break F and I, and I'm nervous about it. I know that its a big test and I think we are ready for it, but there is John's side of this too. I hope that the boys like each other enough to make this work. Im ready for the transition, well as ready as I can be. I know how I'm going to work my time, I know how my days will go, I know what Im going to do when both of them are here. I've thought about that stuff for a month now.
I miss the hell out of John though and I know it will take us time to re-establish intimacy, it always does, and I know I have to get them both to talk to me about how they are feeling so nothing festers. Ive got a big job in front of me.

nycindie

11-10-2011, 04:33 AM

We get about a month with him before hes off again. and he wants to try to have another baby.

... But I will need help if we have another baby, Im wondering how F will be, if he will help or if I will be alone if John isnt home. Im a group package, and in not to long I will be having another baby.

Is it totally up to John? Do you want to have another baby? It sounds like you already have two and that's been stressful for you. If John is away most of the time, is it logical to bring another life into the world? I'm just wondering if having another is the best choice for you (because you do have a choice, you know).

riftara

11-10-2011, 12:33 PM

I did kinda make that sound like I didnt want to, but I do, one more with John and one with whomever (hopefully F) that becomes my other life partner. If that person wants one. I know F does, and any guy who would be with a woman with 3 kids would likely want his own too.

Im just not sure how me being pregnant with John's kid will affect F thats all. I've done it alone before, I can do it again. But Im sure having F there but unwilling to help will make me resentful even-though its not his kid. John wants one more, and I want to get pregnant with any kid Im going to have before Im 30. Im getting fixed at 30. With my medical problems, I dont think I could face the possible problems that increase at 30 and then again at 40. Plus I always wanted to be a young mom. I want to enjoy my empty nest years. :) Not still have young kids in the house at 50. Just a personal preference.

Im on new ground, well for me.

riftara

11-19-2011, 05:18 AM

Although my time with John is over the phone, I am getting time with both my men everyday. I love it! I can't wait for John to be with me, with us.

F's girl toy is staying the night tomorrow. She said she wants to spend the evening with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what her motives are and I don't trust that she would be truthful about them if I asked.

Its possible that she just wants to hang, since she asked me, not F, if she could come over. But I think she is interested in me, though Im not sure if its me or the fact that F and I are lovers. If its just a threesome that she wants or if she wants more.

I hate not knowing, but I dont know how to bring it up either. We were friends but not close before they started sleeping together. and I dont do well with girls.

this is going on the main board, I need advice

riftara

11-20-2011, 11:10 PM

T and I had a long heart to heart last night, and the night ending with an amazing threesome with T, F, and me. They fell asleep together and I got up with the kids (hers spent the night too, so she didnt have to have her mom watch them).

I stepped into the room while they were asleep and I couldnt help but smile, the two of them spooning made my heart happy.

This is what its suppose to be like. This is amazing!

Last night was so full of love and respect and... holy, am i having nre for this? she wants a relationship with me, so im giving it a shot, ive never had a girlfriend before.

She said she has feelings for both of us and its nice to have them returned. I hope that F can return them too. I think they are there for him, but he has been holding back for my sake. I think that is why it upset me so much, I felt like he was lying about his feelings for her, and he always says "i dont want to upset you"

T and I talked today, she is now my girlfriend. :)

riftara

11-26-2011, 06:59 AM

So our little threesome becomes more.

I still place T as secondary to me and defiantly secondary to F, but I am giving them plenty of time together, though its hard sometimes bc I want time with T! Hopefully tomorrow T is coming over and F is going out with his friends, so me and T get some time together. It so crazy feeling right now. I

I want to just cuddle with T and have alone time with her, which I hope I will get tomorrow (well today, since its past midnight) shes over now, she is spending the night and we are all going to be sleeping together. Im excited!

Ok, now to be sociable and such.

riftara

11-26-2011, 05:16 PM

Another great night with my boyfriend and girlfriend. We all got a little alone time and we spent time all together.

Im trying to encourage the two of them to spend more time together, alone. i know its hard with me not having a car, but it needs to happen.

I wish we had been alone when she got here yesterday, but i told a friend she could come over to save her from a guy who is bothering her.

This friend is almost getting annoying, but shes going through a rough time and she does do things for me, so its not like shes mooching, shes just always over.

We have agreed we need intimate time; now to figure out how and when with 4 kids involved.

riftara

11-27-2011, 03:46 AM

So I actually had F tell me I ask for sex too much. That was a hurtful conversation. He said it felt like our relationship was all about sex.

Which its not, and I did ask for sex about 10 hours after the last time, but I didnt push the issue at all.

I dont know how to handle this. Im more aggressive than he about sex and Im apparently have a larger appetite. I dont want or need to have any other lovers, but my gf and I dont get much time together.

I thought we were more in sync bc in the beginning, we had sex every day.

Im sad and confused. I cant help but think he wants her and not me even though i know thats not true, I mean he finally moved most of the rest of his stuff.

I love him, and he knows it really upset me, but he had plans tonight so we have to put off talking about it. Its probably better for me to talk to a few friends about it first anyway.

Im afraid more that hes pulling away because of Johns immanent arrival and the fact that lately his relationships havent lasted any longer than weve been together

I need to feel secure, and he seems to be pulling back. i know hes scared, i am too, but i think its worth it and he says he does too.

riftara

11-29-2011, 02:11 AM

So after our "you ask for sex to much" talk, the next night / morning we had sex 3 times, all at his initiation. We also decided to try dom.sub for awhile. Its a role we both feel comfortable in, him my dom.

I am a little scared and worried and upset and I dont know why. I need a little cuddle time and F keeps putting me off, yesterday to setup his room, today to play a video game.

Its not him and T because they spent awhile together today and it didnt make me feel any worse. I kinda just want to cry, Maybe Im hitting depression again, but why I have no idea. I have every reason to be happy right now.

If John were here, he would hold me and everything would be better, maybe Im just missing him more, since weve had a lot of tension between us.

I need to pour my heart out but I dont even know who is best to do that with or where to begin

riftara

11-29-2011, 04:12 AM

I asked F for 45min of alone time, no phones, nothing but us and it made me feel 100% better, now my 2 hours on the phone with john and T is over, so F and T get alone time while I talk to John, then all of us can curl up together, or maybe aill steal T away for some alone time with her.

riftara

11-29-2011, 07:29 PM

F and I have a date tonight, got a babysitter for the little one.

And T and I get quality time Wed.

Im getting use to everything, its becoming a lot easier to deal with F and T having sex. It turns me on, but when its over, I get a panic attack. Im working on it, well, we all are. The came in the room with me after they were done and had spent a little cuddle time together.

We all cuddled on the bed until T had to go home. She came over early today and crawled into bed with us. Im loving this so far.

riftara

12-05-2011, 02:42 AM

We had a talk about time management today - over txt. We agreed to talk about it more in person later. We have a issue with it mostly because I cant leave here, with no car, and with them unable to go elsewhere, since she lives with her mom, who is VERY traditional. I mean F has a room here, but its next to the bedroom we sleep in. I told them that they need to take a night together, in his room, alone.

T and I got some alone time today, I love sex and snuggling with her. That kind of relationship is new to me, but Im enjoying it. I know its new to her too. We are both kinda shy and a little awkward. But Im enjoying it so far.

F and I will always have more time together since he lives here, but I need to make sure our time is quality, because he is so busy with work and the weekends are all he really has. He works 10's so he is nothing but sleep and work on work days. I understand it, and we still get a little time together at night, but usually hes too tired to really have a discussion, though we do sometimes have sex.
Lately hes been playing a lot of video games, he's needed the distraction, works been retarded and I think the new relationship status is stressing him a little bit. I know that he's been withdrawn, unless I specifically ask for quality time and such, which he gives without complaint or delay most of the time.

I try to give him time to himself, with work and the stresses of two fairly new relationships, he needs him time. I get time to myself and so does T, while I am always around, since as previously stated I am carless, and with the kids, I dont have the ability to get out as much. So, I have to give him time when Im here and its hard because I want to be with him.

So yeah, time management.

riftara

12-05-2011, 07:58 PM

T and I are stepping back our relationship, she's uncomfortable with where we were, so we are stepping back. It should be nice to just cuddle and stuff without the pressure of sex. I think Im looking forward to it.

F and T are going to do some errands that F told me we would do today on Sat. I found out through T, not F that he invited her to go, and implied only she was going. I decided to not get upset about it, at least not publicly. I told F that it bothered me because he said we'd do it, and he apologized. It involves going to meet his ex-wife, so Im not sure how I feel about him taking her. I so want to show up his ex. Thats a personal thing, and I know it is. I know I need to get over it.

My counselor says its an a-b-c thing, there is an event that makes me feel x, that only i can change to y. I can't control a.

I can't control how other people feel or think or what they want. All I can do is change how I feel, think, etc.

I can choose to be grateful to F for what I get from him, he gives me so much. And he asks for nothing, I try to give him anything he wants and all that he needs, though I know that I can't thats why he has T too. Sometimes the best thing you can do is allow them to care about someone else. Allow them to find someone who can fill them the rest of the way up.

Im a jumble of emotions. My thoughts are flitting from place to place. I dont even know what I am thinking. Im writing to look at this later and see what I was feeling and thinking

I know my thoughts are irrational and I have no basis to think them but I still feel like Im loosing him. I still feel like I am all alone. Things like him not coming to bed last night really hurt me. I need to feel like I have his attention 100% at least for a little while everyday.

Ill need to have that time with T whenever possible and I will need that time with John too. How do I make time for everyone? How do I feel like all my relationships are in a good place. I have to get what I need from these relationships. Right now, John gets up to 2 hours with me every night, over the phone, and it makes me feel connected and secure in our relationship.

I know I need that one-on-one time. Im needy I guess. I need everyday time. even if its just a little while. Over the phone works, when its the only option, but in-person and un-distracted is best for my needs.

Being strong willed about me needs is probably my problem. I really need to talk to F about my needs and that he has to fulfill those needs. I have the right to be happy and to be happy how I want to be happy, with the things that make me happy.

There are things that annoy me, but those are not things that dont make me happy. The things that annoy me only annoy me because Im not getting what I need.

Im just rambling I know, but I need a place I can separate my thoughts into reasonable and unreasonable.

I have no idea if anyone reads this, but I know Im crazy, I have proof. I know Im difficult, I know I demand a lot, and Im thankful for those who have been able to give me what I need and make me happy.

riftara

12-06-2011, 03:59 AM

So Robert and I had our first yelling fight, everything up to this point has been calm discussions on differences.

I saw something one way, he saw it another, and he felt accused by me, so it turned into an actual fight.

Then he did something I hate, picking up his phone to read a text when we are talking about important stuff or spending quality time together. I stormed off to cool down, which just mad him madder, we yelled a lot but it was still constructive.

He told me I need to not worry so much, and it seems that we always have to go with his go-with-the-flow way of doing things and not my plan-it-out way. I dont care if the plan works out perfectly, but i want a plan.

Im feeling like things are always either a comprise or his way, but never mine. I mean, we compromise on a lot, because we are very different in a lot of ways. And we stick to those compromises.
But I know I cant push him to plan when hes not a planner.

riftara

12-07-2011, 10:36 PM

Robert and I finally had an oen talk about primary relationships and where we were and how he felt. He said I am his orimary, but he doesnt feel like mine and wont feel like mine until John gets home and everything goes smoothly.

He did place T as his secondary, though we agreed the terms where not the best way to describe it.

We also agreed on at least one date night for me and at least one date night for T a week.

The date night with T im still getting use to, I feel like I need it first but then I feel selfish. I had a panic attack when theirs was over the other night. I need to find some way of getting over the emotions I feel but I cant even pinpoint them.

I guess I feel like Im going to loose him to her, though I know that is crazy and she is just a little more than a fuck buddy to him, hes not in love with her or living with her or even thinking about committing to her the way he is with me. I am his primary. I am his Primary I am his primary

He said we can talk about a handfasting in 3 months after john gets home, i'll move that to john leaving and that puts us in mid-april. I want it so bad though, and he wants to be the one to ask me to make that commitment when ive already said i would. its hard to bite my tongue on something that was ok to talk about but isnt now.

Hes says it moving too fast, well it wasnt too fast for him to move in with me essential after a few weeks. I guess his stops are just in weird places for me and I feel like he keeps comparing our relationship to the one he had with his ex wife. I could just as easily compare ours to mine and Drews(the guy who sexually abused me) and maybe I do. But Im not willing to do something because of that comparison, or not do it as the case may be.

I need to work on communicating my boundaries, what im ok with and what im not, not that those wont change in the future, but what i need right now. I need to figure how to set those boundaries without feeling controlling or manipulative

riftara

12-09-2011, 09:39 PM

So I found out that T occasionally partakes in the smoking of certain herbal relaxants.

This is a deal breaker to me. I have kids that I dont have custody of, and I could loose my time with my daughter if I was "hanging out with drug users" and F is a sheriff deputy in the county we were in when she did, so it would mean bad things for her to get in trouble for it in that county.

And if its a deal breaker, she can't be around me or my kids. period. So if F wants to keep seeing her he will have to do it outside of the house. This is really hard for me because I am falling for her.

I didnt think she was a user bc she has kids of her own, but I guess that she doesnt see the harm in it.
Im worried about my kids and F's job here.

SNeacail

12-09-2011, 10:51 PM

So if F wants to keep seeing her he will have to do it outside of the house.

Personally I would be more specific and say not within 100 yards (or a mile) of the property and yourself. You don't want to come home and find they have been smoking on the front porch/back yard, which is technically "outside the house".

AnnabelMore

12-09-2011, 10:57 PM

I think Rift meant that if F wants to spend time with her, period, it has to be outside of her home. Like, T is no longer welcome in her house, smoking or no.

riftara

12-10-2011, 02:33 AM

Yes, it I find that she is still doing it after our talk about it, then it will be over for me, and if F wants to continue to take the risk of dating her, then I dont want the relationship to be around my children. Or her to be around my children. I do have friends that smoke, but my kids never see them. Since F lives with me, his choice of lover has to be ok with me on my children's level. My children see T a lot right now and our kids play together often, She's too big a part of our life to risk her being caught up in legal troubles, especially in the county where F works, which is where she goes out most of the time.

riftara

12-10-2011, 03:16 AM

So, Im still a little miffed at T but she said she was sorry and she will do anything to prove that.

I hope that this gets worked out and she doesnt do it again.

I told her how I feel about her, and she admitted that she's scared and that she's emotionally walled. I want to get through that wall so bad. I want to be the reason she smiles in the mornings.

I am trying to encourage her to open up, I know something is bothering her but she wont tell me what, she gives excuses that I know arent the real reasons. Im really good at reading people's emotions.

Im afraid of pushing her too hard though.

riftara

12-11-2011, 02:50 PM

I'm in an episode, and the fact that T is not returning my feelings is not helping. Everyone has been asking me if Im ok the past few days, even my mother. My mom is coming to get the kids and Im going off the grid for a few days. Not answering txts or phone calls or emails for a few days will help me focus on processing, so I maybe on here writing out my feelings.

Im looking forward to getting our new puppy, it will give me something to focus on. Apparently this pup howls :) Ive always wanted a dog that howls. Of course, being a wolf its going to. Thats right, Im getting a wolf dog. In about 4 days.

Im stressed beyond belief right now. I dont know what to do about anything and when Im unable to make decisions I know that Im going to be manic really soon. I have been taking my meds but Im not stable at all. I bought a new book on handling bi-polar I guess now would be a good time to read it. I was going to wait on John because it has things for loved ones of people with bi-polar.

Im falling in love with T, I feel like Im fallign apart because she is so scared, shes never been with a woman before. I wish she would just open up to me, everyone wants me to be patient, and I know i should but Im going manic and I feel like everything is now or never. I want her now. I want to fall in love with her.

At the same time, I want to get out before I get really hurt.

AnnabelMore

12-11-2011, 03:20 PM

I know it may not help to have one more person give you advice you don't feel like you can follow right now, but for someone exploring a new side of their sexuality for the very first time not feeling pressured is going to be essential. Give her as much space and time as you possibly can. Let her come to you as if she were a frightened cat -- coax her and call her but don't chase her.

I think taking time away from the world as you described above is an excellent idea.

riftara

12-11-2011, 07:07 PM

All my friends are worried about me but none of them are willing to come spend time with me. I need someone to be around to keep me from doing something stupid. I almost cut myself last night. I dont want to die I just want to externalize my pain. Or numb it away with alcohol.

Everyone, including my momther, wants me to check into a hospital but John will be home soon, and I have to get the puppy and I have my daughters birthday party on Saturday and I know they would keep me longer than a few days, as fucked up as I am right now.

Its not just T, its a lot of other things, F spending less time with me now that nre is over and he is hanging with his friends more, without me. Plus he has to make time for T, which I understand. My best friend hasnt seen me in a month and she keeps making excuses for why she cant come over, or doesnt want to... my babydaddy (who she is not with) is having a party for the band tonight, oh this thing you are going to do is not my style, oh, Im already drunk, - excuses from last night, in order, first was when she thought we were just leaving for the event, the other after. She didnt even offer an alternative, like how about F pick me up and bring me over. I consider her my sister and since my real sister isnt talking to me at the moment, I have one female in my life that I can rely on and she is at work right now. And its not T who it should be imo, since she is my gf and all.

And I have my daughter's party to worry about it being great and John is going to be home and I wish I knew how that was going to go down. Im anxious about everything and worrying about everything and its just driving me crazy - quite literally.

Im off the grid and feeling more alone than ever, F had to go to a family only thing today so he couldnt take me with him, though he said he didnt really want to leave me alone he didnt have a choice, they specifically said no girlfriends / boyfriends, etc.

All my friends are too busy for me right now and I want someone, anyone, to be here with me. I cant get in touch with John because his phone isnt on. I cant believe no one is free.

IS the world just against me? I know that none of this directly involves my polyamory but it does involve me, and right now, I need Me to be ok more than anything and I dont know how. Im lost and I cant make decisions on anything, I didnt even really get dressed this morning. Im wearing jeans and a hoodie. Everyone says this seems to be coming from nowhere and I hate when I cant pinpoint a reason, but I know it started before my last counselor session. I mentioned feeling alone to her then. I have another tomorrow and I've asked F to come up with me and help me talk to the counselor.

i know i need help, but i know i dont want to go to the hospital, life is too busy for that right now

opalescent

12-12-2011, 12:25 AM

Rift,

Go into the hospital hon. Please. John and your other loved ones will be there for you. You are a danger to yourself right now. Do your loved ones know how bad it is?

riftara

12-13-2011, 01:13 AM

So all my closest friends came over last night to talk to me and they made me feel a lot better.

Im not sure if T and I are still a couple, but she wants us to get to know each other better. I don't even know how to do that, and when F is always around when she is, we get no alone time, though we did cuddle on the couch a bit today, but I initiated it and Im afraid to initiate anything, even kisses. Ive asked her for her boundaries but she hasnt responded.

I want to be more intimate with T and it drives me nuts that she wont even talk to me about what she wants and where she is comfortable because that is all I want is for her to be comfortable in our relationship.

I want to help her discover her boundaries without pushing and Im not sure how to do that. She says she doesnt know what they are.

Im thinking about getting her something with a claddagh symbol on it, it means love loyalty and friendship. I know where I can get a ring cheap but Im not sure I want it to be a ring. That may be a little much for a new relationship.

riftara

12-22-2011, 10:31 PM

Since I am going to reveal this to my lovers tomorrow for us to make a joint decision, I will post out my thoughts here first, F prefers me to have all my "ducks in a row" before I come to him with something.

I dont know what to do. I found out my birth control - nuvaring - doesnt kick in immediately like I thought, it takes 7 days if you dont put it in right after your period. So I put it in Monday, so it will apparently kick in next monday, on the 26th. I figured out I ovulated today or yesterday. Ive had unprotected (unknown to me until today) sex with F, both last night and the night before and I know he will want to tonight. I can brush off and not have sex tonight, or get him to not come in me, but If I ovulated yesterday, the likely hood that I am pregnant is high, both times I got pregnant, I had sex the day of ovulation, I usually avoid when Im not protected, but I thought I was. Now I have the possibility of being pregnant, with about a 70% chance, considering that I had unprotected sex on the day of, no matter when it happened. As far as I know Everytime I had sex within 12 hours, Ive gotten pregnant. I know Ive had a few "missed miscarriages" since my cycle is so perfect, when it is off, I likely was pregnant for a few days, says my doc anyway.

I'm not going to let it happen again and just up the chances, but if it has happened I would want all of us, including T, to have a say in what happens. I could go with herbs or the morning after pill (you actually have like 72 hours), but I know F believes that things like that are wrong, but I also know he doesnt want kids at all right now, though he does in the future.

I already took herbs as a precaution once, and it really upset F, I didnt tell him what was going on and we ended up in a big fight about it. I feel so bad, I kinda want to go get the morning after pill anyway, and just not tell any of them, I know that the egg hasnt implanted yet and wont for like a week, so to me, that isnt abortion, but to F it is. Even not knowing if it happened and taking precautions to prevent implantation, like I did with the herbs (im an herbalist) makes F upset, but If I do get that positive, it will upset everyone, especially John, because he wants to have another kid but I wont because he wont be around. That is why I put in my ring.

I know I need to know what I want and have a clear argument for it and I know no matter what this is going to cause problems, even if Im not pregnant. Should I just shutup about it until I find out if I am or not, because even if Im not, it will cause a big upset. If I am, John will still be here when I find out. I can test on the 1st, my period will be due on the 4th, and John doesnt leave until the 14th

This is going to go to the main boards, I need some insight

riftara

12-24-2011, 12:17 AM

I told John about the possibility that I am pregnant with F's kid. he was upset, but he said it has always been a possibility and he isnt gong anywhere and he is behind me no matter what I do. He is also against me preventing anything from happening.

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP. That should prevent me from having this happen again until the situation is right for F or John.

Ive found myself hoping I am on some levels, I guess that is the natural way for it to work, survival of the baby and the race and such. Im still waiting to talk to F about it, and Im afraid of that discussion, but I kinda want to be pregnant, not because its his kid, just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

After the scary discussion with John was over, I felt like it would all be ok if I was. It made me want it, knowing there isnt going to be a big huge problem in mine and John's relationship

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me. I know Im messed up emotionally because of the change in my meds, but I also know that right now, if John was going to be home for a little while, we would try to have a kid.

Maybe Im just messed up because the doc changed my meds

Phy

12-24-2011, 07:11 AM

Hey there, great that it worked out for now and that you don't have to face this alone. But ...

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP.

[...] just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me.

This worries me. You say 'we' but I can't see this mutual agreement later on. If this saddens you, if you don't want this to happen to your body and to your possibilities and if you want a child, you should have said so to him. Some commented on the 'super big problem' thread that they see some things that rose some red flags in their opinion. I think it was about this 'getting attention' you mentioned twice or thrice. Are you able to speak your mind when you have conversations with them? Or do you tend to keep those important thoughts to yourself? If yes, why? You haven't messed up anything. Something like that can happen and both of them should start by searching their own faults before they begin to count yours.

riftara

12-28-2011, 01:52 AM

If I could have a kid right now, if I had someone who was going to be around an wanted to have a kid with me, I would do it, but F doesnt want one and John wont be around.

I am hoping I am pregnant and I think that if Im not its going to upset me, and its something Im not sure if I can handle or not. And I wont be able to go to F about it, and John will be gone.

How f'd up am I.

The good thing is John and I were having trouble reconnecting and we figured out what I problem was, quite simple actually. We were trying to fit ourselves into an old mold of what our relationship was "suppose" to be, instead of letting it be what it wants to be. We have to realize that we change and our relationship must change too

Im down at JOhn;s parents house for the week, and Im really missing home, and F and T and my friends and Im really upset about a lit of stuff, and I keep trying to remind myself that if I am pregnant and I want to keep the baby I need to be calm.

Ive been upset a lot lately, and I wonder if it is just my medicine or if im actually loosing control. Or I guess it doesnt matter why im loosing control, just that I am.

I want to curl up and sleep until the 4th. It would be best for me to not have to deal with anything until I can find out if Im pregnant or not. And I feel bad hoping that I am.

I want to have the can we please have kids talk with F, but I know its way too early for us to think that long term together. We are going to talk about getting handfasted in about two months, then I guess I can see about putting a time frame on children. I really want to be done with kids by the time Im 30. But I do want more. I know Ive got a few years, but still.

In my magical world of everything I want, Id either be pregnant now (best option) or F would be okay with us having a kid if it happened to happen. Not that I want to track and OPK and try to have a kid, but to be open to it happening. but I know we are a ways from that. I know Im not thinking right right now.

Im so messed up. I want to scream and I want to cry and i want to... I dont know. Something. Anything, nothing.

Im so stressed, cant be if Im wanting to be and stay pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't want to be, but now that its a real possibility Im hoping it is, that it happened. Maybe that makes me a bad person.

opalescent

12-28-2011, 02:58 AM

You're certainly not a bad person for wanting a child with a loved partner! I know the timing is poor for all involved but wanting to be pregnant even in a complicated situation is not wrong.

Have you told your doc about a possible pregnancy? Some bipolar meds are not safe for pregnant women or their babies.

*hugs*

riftara

12-29-2011, 02:54 AM

I see a woman's health Psychologist, all the meds Im on are safe for pregnancy and I even take a ton of folic acid to counteract any negatives of the meds. .4mg is what you are "suppose" to take as a pregnant woman. I take 3mg every day.

riftara

01-02-2012, 05:36 AM

I have been told I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. Im not sure exactly how Ive changed, and I dont know if I can "fix" it and become at least one who makes my lovers happy. If not who I was.

I know that I have been swinging crazy lately, and I know its taking a toll on F. I want to be the one who makes him happy like I did when we got together, but I dont even know what about me made him happy. Hes close to his breaking point, so I have to tread very lightly. I think I have done well these past few days, but I know he wont respond to a change that fast. I have to show him that I am serious about making him happy and being happy and not being as stressed as I have been and using my tools to conquer my emotional problems. I have felt good emotionally maybe because I have blocked everything out, but other than mourning the loss of the baby, I havent been too upset, well thats not true, T says she wants to break up, Im not even sure where we stand, but its not something I want to bring up right now. I dont even know what Im going to do next but I do know that mine and F's date tomorrow night will be full of flirting and fun, I have to make it fun and prove to him Im trying.

I figure that it will take a few weeks or so to rebuild with F and I want to limit the time T is here, the primary relationship has to come first and be stable in order for poly to work. I have to insure both mine and John's and mine and F's relationships are stable and right now they arent.

I have a lot to think about and to try to decide what to do about, and right now that doesnt scare me. Im actually feeling pretty good about most things, I just need to set a temporary boundary on how much T is here until F and I are back on track. If he values our relationship he will do it, if he doesn't then I will start to look elsewhere.

riftara

01-06-2012, 06:55 AM

So T broke up with me. She is still seeing F and since I only said ok to breaking my rule of another relationship was because I wanted her, it is really bothering me.

F and I are still on shaky ground but at least we had sex. John and I are still not there. That makes me sad.

T is still around because of her and F are seeing each other still. I need to set some boundaries and discover what Im comfortable with at this moment. I know Im not comfortable with her being around all the time. Especially since they have "gotten closer" and I feel put out because of F's desire to leave me.

I re-iterated my primary status today and im not sure it was a good move. But then again, our triad is gone, so I feel until he says otherwise, I am his primary.

riftara

01-06-2012, 07:51 PM

So T came over last night, I went to bed before she left so I have no idea how long she was here, but I had a panic attack when she got here. I've got to get control over my feelings about F and T. I can't have a panic attack every time she is here. I don't know if its because shes my ex or shes seeing F, I know I didnt have them before she broke up with me, so maybe its just the ex thing. Im not one for hanging out with my ex's immediately after we break up.

Either way, I know Im not comfortable with her being at the house and I also know I can't tell F she can't be at the house. Leaves me in a complicated place, I have to limit the time she is at the house in order to limit the amount of pain I have in her being here. I know I will get over it eventually, but for now I need space and time.

I found out her being here and F and T being in public places bothers my friend, who is like a little sister to me, because T is all over F.

Ive been trying really hard this week to be more relaxed and confident and well, more me. Im not sure how Im doing, but I do know Im trying and Im willing to do more. F admitted that he can see Im trying and that he doesnt feel everything is " back to normal " I just want him to be as happy and comfortable as I am in our relationship.

I am afraid that since he is a serial monogamist that his heart has already left me and moved to T. He says he still loves me and we are still having sex, so I guess that isnt a problem yet.

I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.

riftara

01-08-2012, 08:36 AM

I had a small panic attak this morning when I woke up and F was already gone to spend the day with T.

But tonight we are all playing a card game together and its not too bad, but the idea of her spending the night upsets me a little. Im having trouble getting use to this.

T was incredibly nice to me when she came in, but F has been basically ignoring me while T has been here, I know how John feels when Im around F and dont give him kisses or touch him.

I am not sure what to do, not being able to see them bothers me the most I think. They disappear into his room and I get all panicy.

Im having a lot of trouble with this. Im going nuts... Im not sure what to do.

they want to roll D&D characters... I did not sign up for this. I'd rather DM.

Yep, they go to bed, panic attack starts, I cant keep doing this.

AnnabelMore

01-08-2012, 02:37 PM

Why can't they go over her place to spend the night, where you won't have to see it? I know that I probably wouldn't be able to stand having an ex around so much right after a break-up, especially if I was already jealous of their time with my partner.

Hannahfluke

01-08-2012, 03:25 PM

I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.

I don't think I'd count on this, myself. If they do last longer than NRE, you'll be devastated again because you didn't think it would last longer. You have no control over how long their relationship lasts and I think you need to work on accepting the relationship, not just struggling through the NRE period thinking they'll break up after the NRE ends.

Juntas

01-08-2012, 07:00 PM

I have been telling her this since I came home on leave (I am her husband), I wish I could do more to help her, deal with what she is going through. She is just adding more stress to mine and her relationship. It feels like I tell her on a daily basis to worry about the things that she can control.

riftara

01-16-2012, 12:22 AM

Yes, I know dear. And now that you are gone again, my life somehow gets more complicated.

Annabel - She lives with her mom, and her mom knows Im his gf, but not that she is too. Not that her mom would be ok with him spending the night even if she did know they were together.

Im getting better about everything, though its still hard for me sometimes. I love her, and to see him get time with her when I want it is the worst feeling. Somehow I'm ok with R having another girl now, but T being with F, or rather F being with T (no one seems to get the distinction) hurts.

T and F got into a fight last night, so he spent a long time on the phone with her when I asked for this weekend to be just F and me, somehow T was in the picture, with us or on the phone, both Friday and Sat night. And I asked T to hang out tonight and she said she had plans, if those plans are coming over here I think I will be hurt, she could come a little early and spend a little time with me. Im hoping that she has plans with another friend.

F told me T is feeling vulnerable, well I've felt that way for weeks, and I know he doesnt even know that because I feel like I cant say anything because he might leave me - he says I push too much and that is the consensus. I dont even realize it unless I step back, so I'm only asking how he feels about us once a week and currently, its "Im just seeing how things go". Until he can say "I want to be with you" I will feel restricted and vulnerable and even a little alone. But I dont know how to talk about it without pushing him away, I feel like Im in fake it til you make it mode. He makes me happy, so I really dont want to loose him, but when left to my own devices, I think that he doesnt want to be with me.

I need a boy-toy, a distraction. Someone who knows that they are just a distraction. I thought about going back to R but everyone thinks that is a bad idea, and I know it is. I started talking to this one guy, who would be perfect because he wouldn't want a relationship, just sex. But I think he is pursuing a real relationship. Grr.

and I'm missing John like crazy, which doesnt help at all. I know I'll get use to him being gone again in time, like I always do, but right now, his absence is felt quite keenly.

riftara

01-16-2012, 07:43 PM

Bad panic attack last night. Very bad.

Triggered because I felt like they went behind my back to see each other.

See, I asked T to hangout and she said she had plans, so I went out with a friend, then F sends me a txt telling me he is bringing T home.

All I can do now is trust them, but I do want a timeline of events last night, which I will likely not get. Dont want to push for anything.

Im trying to remember my therapy. Just because I think something doesnt make it true, I cant control others actions, only my response to them.

Its so hard to be calm, like I don't care about things that hurt me, like seeing her, even her hugging me, simple gestures she thinks are being nice and good and they just hurt. I know Im being unreasonable, I mean there is nothing she can do that would make me happy other than be with me again and that is not going to happen.

Maybe I just need to try, ask her, in a way that makes it easy for her, basically ask permission to flirt back, to kiss her when I feel the urge.
Or just start flirting with her. Not that I really remember how to do that. Flirting with a girl is a little different in some aspects.

...

Well what do you know, a short talk and we are kissing friends... not lovers, no sex, none of that stuff, just flirting and kissing, breaking down walls that we've both put up. Slowly, a little at a time. I can do this, Im not sure how, but I can. I broke down one wall, its her turn now.
Im anxious about the whole thing but I didn't realize how I was pushing her away by closing myself off to her flirting and such. So this new arrangement is a start... maybe it will finally lead to what I really want

riftara

01-18-2012, 02:50 AM

F told me he does want to be with me, and our sex last night was perfect.

So even though I feel like shit physically, I feel wonderful emotionally.

Ive been so worried that he was going to leave me at the drop of a hat, and now i feel much more secure. and I feel our relationship is much better and I love it.

Its amazing that one good night can start the path to fixing everything - not that we will be the same as we were but we will be strong and that is all that matters.

riftara

01-18-2012, 07:57 PM

F is not much of a talker, but he is do-er. I'm a talker, over and over on the same subject until I've said it 10 ways. He prefers one, clear, measured conversation, and then to act on that conversation.

He considers time in the same room together time, while I only count interaction time as together time. I remedy this by touching him, laying on his shoulder while he plays a video game makes me feel like we are together.

F is stubborn, not likely to change how he feels or reacts to anything, even when presented a good argument, unless multiple people present the same argument - in his eyes.

F is a take life as it comes type of person, while I like to plan.

As different as F and I are, he is good for me, he forces me out of my comfort zone, but he does so gently, he recognizes that we are different, he respects my boundaries but encourages me to push them.

And I love him for all of that. I love him for being who he is and not changing for me. He's the first guy who loved me and showed his love the way he does.

John on the other hand is very much like me.
He is willing to talk as much as I want to and never asks me to cut it short or get frustrated when I say the same basic thing over and over

John likes to be close physically and really only counts time spent close as time together.

John is willing to change his point of view, if the argument is a good one.

John accepts me for who I am, he loves me unconditionally. He doesnt expect or even want me to change anything about who I am.

And I love him for that. I love that he loves me with everything he has, that he shows me every day how special I am to him, even from 1500 miles away.

Juntas

01-20-2012, 12:18 AM

I do what I can to make you feel loved baby, I still feel like I should be able to do more, but I am glad that what I do seems to be enough for you. I love you and thanks for explaining the differences between me and him.

riftara

01-20-2012, 03:42 AM

You do an amazing job love.

So T and I had plans tonight and I hurt so bad that I don't want to go out, so she offered to bring over a movie and watch it with me.

I wish I could just hold her while we watched a movie, it would make me so happy to be able to touch her for that long. I feel so much love for her and to have to hold back hurts so bad sometimes.

At the same time I don't want her to spend the night because that means she is spending time with, and having sex with, F and I want to be the one in F's position.

Im hopelessly in love and I hate myself for it sometimes. Especially since the feelings aren't exactly returned. If I felt that doing love spells was ethical, I would so totally do one on her. :) I'm avoiding the word love, I don't want to scare her away again. I express that I care for her and that I still want us to be more, but not so often that it makes her uncomfortable. Its a fine tightrope to walk and I hope I don't fall. I have to be optimistic though, or I have to face that I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. The question is "is it worth it" and the answer is "yes" at least right now.

Its nice though to be stable, for three weeks now, and to be at least mostly comfortable with everything. I still have panic attacks but other than that I'm ok. No crying at night or being mad or feeling like I have to talk out everything. I'm stable and I haven't been in a while, so I feel really good about it. Not too good though. Thats the thing that sux about bi-polar, you can't be too happy for too long or you will go manic. Or at least I will.

I think everything would be easier if John was still here. I'd have someone to spend my time with and distract me from the fact that F is getting what I want and I would be able to be held when I was hurting because she can't give me what I want yet. I can't ask F for that, because he will just tell me to give her time and be patient. I'm not asking her for more, I'm just hurting that I can't. God I need to figure out something. How do I deal with this and still try to make things work with her. I feel that it is worth my time, but I'm not sure how long it will be worth my heart.

I miss John! I miss my best friends, and I miss having parties at the house every weekend. John has only been gone a week, not even a week, but it feels like months. That reference makes me feel like I have been waiting on T for months too, when I know I havent. And that I haven't seen certain people for months.

I should be happy with what I have. My life is good. I have two men that love me, well really three - since R does too. I have a chance with the girl I love and I have two beautiful children and a job that will soon make me plenty of money. I just need to throw myself into something, I need a distraction. Something that will take my mind and my energy.

Right now I can't even focus on my kids, because my mom has them. If I didn't have to work, I would, but she has no gas money to bring them home every day. And I have no money to give her for gas. Ive got to keep my job, I need the money and I need the outlet. Working from home would mean I got to keep the kids here, if they werent so young. I can't leave my son unattended for 4 hours at a time. My daughter, maybe, but not my son.

riftara

01-21-2012, 06:25 PM

F broke up with me.

Maybe the more I say it the less it will hurt.

He told me he couldnt feel indifferent to our relationship anymore, that he still loves me and cares for me and will tell me no when I need to hear it.

Then he held me, told me is was sorry for hurting me, and let me fall asleep in his arms.

I've cried so much I should be out of tears but typing this brings them back again.

I dont know how to handle this. He wants to be friends and he says hes not going to move out. Not that I thought he would move out.

riftara

01-26-2012, 06:53 AM

F and I hung out all day Monday and we both had a good time. We also spent time together last night and had a good time, and somehow T being over here tonight isn't bothering me as much as I thought it would.

I want so bad to just look at him and say "can we have this exact relationship, with sex, kissing, and sleeping together" I wish it were that easy.

If our friendship came back that quickly, I think that we owe it to ourselves to try again, but that is just my way of looking at things and I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, afraid he will consider it being pushy, which is his major complaint about me. Its hard but I know I have to wait, I have to give him time.

Although I am being very affectionate toward him, and I will until he tells me to stop but he is allowing and reciprocating my hugs and cheek kisses and such. He doesn't initiate them, but he does reciprocate.

I'm also being girlfriend-ish and making sure he gets up for work and still making him dinner and doing his laundry and such. I want a relationship with him to be natural and flow from what we have right now, a good friendship.

I did the same sort of stuff with R when he lived with me, and I have taken the attitude at this moment that if I can do it with R, I can do it with F until he says otherwise.

I'm also respecting his request that I not sleep with a particular guy, at least for now.(Not that it matters, John wont let me either, but I'm not hanging out with him because of F) I think that doing so would ruin any chance I have at us getting back together and until that door is closed, I'm going to respect his wishes. Not like that guy is going anywhere, its been over a year since we really talked and he is still wanting to be with me.

Its weird to hurt and have fun at the same time. I don't really know what to think about that.

riftara

01-27-2012, 08:36 PM

So its over.

I have nothing to say, nothing

I'm handing it. I'll be ok

Phy

01-27-2012, 08:40 PM

So sorry for you :( this really sucks. I hope you are able to manage the next days, sending you a ((( big girl bear hug )))

riftara

02-01-2012, 11:24 PM

So I decided on a few things.

I'm moving on, I still love F very much but I know that there will not be anything there anymore. I'm ok with it. Maybe no one expected me to be, but I am. I've noticed things, looking from the outside in, and it makes me kinda sad, but it also makes me realize the truth about things too.

I learned so people involved read my blog... so HI! I'm no more raw here than I am in real life, so honestly, this should be nothing new.

R and I started talking about having a relationship again, I think that is going nowhere. As much as i'd like it to. He has a lot on his plate right now though, so I think we will likely just stay friends, maybe FWB for a little while, until it becomes to much for one of us. I love him so much, and its amazing how much that love grows and develops over time. The thing is I know he feels the same way, we talked about it last night. We don't really do heart to heart conversations, so when we have one its something to be noted.

Since I feel that nothing will happen with R, it's time to move on and look elsewhere. I'm doing a good job at that so far, talking to a few new people. No one worth mentioning by name yet. Of course, if R decides that he does want to try yet again, then moving to someone new will take a back burner to that.

riftara

02-02-2012, 08:38 PM

I've been talking to a guy the last few days and we have a lot in common.
Now if R would just be strait with me about us having a relationship, I could decide where to take this new guy.

New guy is coming over tonight, we might go out, we might stay in.

nycindie

02-02-2012, 10:51 PM

riftara

02-13-2012, 07:07 PM

Been seeing a few guys, no one that jumps out at me, every one has the positives and negatives everyone does.

I'm keeping my options open.

R and I talked again last night, as much as I know I will leave that door open, I can't and won't let it dictate me making a decision about any of the guys I have been talking to.

The crazy thing is two of the guys I'm talking to are already buying / talking about buying me stuff. Now, not saying I dont have a price, everyone can be bought, but it kinda creeps me out and I'm not sure if I want to keep talking to them because of it. Do I look like I can be bought? Do they think if they throw enough money at me I'll leave John? Or are they just desperate to love, and think love can be bought.
Now I like being spoiled as much as the next girl but that should come after the relationship is at least partially established. I spent money on F, he spent money on me, but it was after the relationship was established, in the beginning we split just about everything.

Ive been talking to a couple looking for a unicorn. I'm interested. Very interested. I have seen, or dreamed, what it can be like. I would love to have that in my life.