View Full Version : So. A little envious?
Macbeth
08-19-2009, 04:36 AM
If you've read Lady Macbeth's post, you are aware that in a very short period of time she's been able to bring a relationship online. I'm really very happy for her, and she had an amazingly simple, almost pre-set situation.
I don't.
Not only do I not, I can't think of any that may present themselves. We talked about posting a personals ad, which my wife actually did for me on Craigslist (scary!), and even got a couple of promising responses, but I've quickly come to the realization that I don't want to go about it that way. It feels very forced to me.
So, for the time being, I'm stuck being a mono. That's not what either of us want, but it's looking like it may be the case for the foreseeable future.
My main feeling in this regard is envy, and that is not even THAT strong right now. Essentially, I'm happy that she is getting to explore this new relationship, but it's a little frustrating that I don't get to have the same experience. Yes, I get to talk to her about it, but that's still third person.
So . . . I'd like to hear from other folks who have been in my place. Any words of encouragement?
Thanks . . .
Mac
vandalin
08-19-2009, 05:41 AM
Craigslist? ew yuck patooey
lol
There are definitely better places to look. Try www.polymatchmakers.com. I found out about them through here actually and they are set up like a forum but also have the matchmaking search engines to go through profiles. It's free so it wouldn't hurt. And if anything, you might make some more new friends on the forums like you have here. :)
NeonKaos
08-19-2009, 01:01 PM
Ya I agree Craigslist is too forced. It may be alright for swinging/sex connections, but if that's not what you're into then I would explore other options.
Quath
08-19-2009, 01:24 PM
I think you just have to do what single people do. Go out and network. Join a hobby group and talk to people. There are some hobbies that are more likely to be poly friendly than others. Like sci-fi, pagan and alternative sex groups are very poly friendly.
Or find a semi-local poly group in your area and visit them. But go with the idea of being friends. Let it develop into a relationship. You don't want to be that creepy guy sizing everyone up.
It is also not the worst thing if it takes you longer to find someone to date. It will pay long term for you to be more picky about who you date.
Good luck.
redpepper
08-19-2009, 02:40 PM
My husband was also envious of my sucess over finding mono. It really did work to go out there and meet people, work on his own stuff and slowly be a part of the local poly community. It worked for all of us in the end to find like minded people and now he has all kinds of prospects.
redpepper
08-19-2009, 04:11 PM
Talked to my husband as we drove to work today. He really suggested that you all take baby steps. He reminded me of the upheaval when reality set in after awhile and I really got caught up in NRE. One new relationship at a time is best as eventually it all gets complicated and there needs to be some space and time. There won't be any if you are both new to poly and in new relationships.
He suggested that you use your new found alone time to work on yourself, as I said before. He said it is like being a bachelor again in away and that takes adjusting to.
"Small bites" into poly for him made for greater comfort and stability in the long run.
Catfish
08-19-2009, 05:51 PM
I am in the same boat. My wife, Rarechild, recently went on a quasi-date for the first time since we started talking about this. I experienced some small pangs of jealousy, but mostly envy that I wasn't as actualized in this arena as easily as she has been. I guess I'm still having trouble getting out there because I haven't completely let go of the feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I approach other women. So far, I've looked around online and we've discussed one friend that I've had for many years, but there are some contentious feelings that arise whenever we talk about her, so that one's on the way back burner.
I wish I had answers on this one, but we're just too new to this lifestyle. I am very interested to see some answers from the more experienced members.
Keep the faith,
Catfish
Ceoli
08-19-2009, 06:04 PM
It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"
I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.
River
08-19-2009, 06:14 PM
.... I haven't completely let go of the feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I approach other women....
I recommend examining this feeling, and any associated sub- or semi-conscious thoughts, as deeply and thoroughy as you are able. Seriously, set aside some quiet time; maybe even keep a pencil and paper handy..., and look very carefully at what's going on within you. Think of it as an archaeological dig. Find burried thingies down there, carefully -- don't damage them! Dust them off with care and compassion and curiosity and patience. Then examine the mysterious thingies until you know them well. That's part A. Part B should arise out of successfully working part A. So I won't even mention part B just now. I'll just say about part B that you may find yourself changing your mind -- but all the way down to your toes.:D
foxflame88
08-19-2009, 07:50 PM
It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"
I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.
I'm in the same boat.
Catfish
08-20-2009, 10:52 PM
JRiver,
I will do this.
Thank you,
Catfish
redpepper
08-21-2009, 11:33 PM
Seriously, set aside some quiet time; maybe even keep a pencil and paper handy..., and look very carefully at what's going on within you. Think of it as an archaeological dig. Find burried thingies down there, carefully -- don't damage them! Dust them off with care and compassion and curiosity and patience. Then examine the mysterious thingies until you know them well.
Well said JRM, this is what I was trying to elude to.... time for a good dig, we so seldom make time for this in our lives. You have just been given this time. I can tell you, the change in my husband is remarkable. He was given a gift in a way. and therefore so was I in the form of my pride and continued respect and admiration for his spirit and ability to better himself on his own terms.
redsirenn
11-15-2009, 09:28 PM
It's funny. I have spent alot of time thinking about Ouroboros and other women, trying to wrap my head around what I am feeling and why, and I recently had an interesting dichotomy of feelings.
Sometimes, I am envious of him. In my mind, I am happy for him, but sad that I cannot participate... that I don't have the same fun... I feel left out. But, at the same time, It puts a smile on my face to think that he is having a good time.
Others - I am jealous and angry. Particularly, this occurs when I think about him with the woman he broke previous relationship boundaries with. This makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be ok with him seeing her.
Any thoughts?
redpepper
11-15-2009, 11:00 PM
I think it's entirely up to you when and if you feel okay about his seeing other women and especially the one that he broke boundaries with.
At some point I believe that your opinion and feelings will change one way or the other. Either you will be sure that you can't handle him seeing others or you won't and will have to act in accordance to your own health in the matter.
Good for you in your mulling it over and over... that is the only way to get to an end result and a sense of security. I hope that you act out of your own comfort eventually and in everyone's best interest.
Manno
11-16-2009, 05:19 AM
I'm really understanding your situation as it was really the only thing I was worried about after we decided to romantically pursue other people.
I'm in Eugene, and I'm finding a lot of people around me are very keen on what is going on in my wife and I's relationship as we are kind of immersing ourselves into the Eugene culture here and open about our relationship. Most realize that we're doing something right because it is easy to spot how real our happiness is.
I don't know about anywhere else in the state, but it seems like Eugene has a lot of people who are welcome to the mindset. There is even a few authors of Polyamory books published from here. Portland, from what I've sniffed around online, is supposed to have an active local polyforum like this one out there if you search for it.
Best of luck and stick around and keep us posted.
MonoVCPHG
11-16-2009, 05:33 AM
Others - I am jealous and angry. Particularly, this occurs when I think about him with the woman he broke previous relationship boundaries with. This makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be ok with him seeing her.
Any thoughts?
I am surprised by how many people knowingly pursue partners that are surrounded by hurt for others in their lives. I'm guessing it must be because in being poly you care about multiple people more deeply and therefore will not turn away from someone even though it hurts another person you love. I guess it could also be viewed as selfishness or lack of concern for the hurting person.
If I know my being around someone will cause Redpepper any degree of discomfort I simply don't see them. This came up not that long ago where a friend of mine came out for a few weeks but due to a short lived history 5 years ago involving a short and very one sided infatuation/affair situation, I did not see her. I simply couldn't make the woman I love and plan on building a future with feel even a little threatened or uncomfortable for the sake of a long distance friendship. Redpepper is here and now, real and in the moment....I don't work that way with friends or ex lovers.
If I need to I can flip a switch on most people in my life. One minute here, next they are gone.....hmmm maybe I should explore that some more for myself.
I know most others do not work this way however....I think this is called a tangent! :o
Derbylicious
11-17-2009, 04:00 AM
Hey Macbeth, meeting people through the computer isn't for everyone. It's not my favourite way to meet people. I'd rather develop a real connection with someone in my real life and see where it goes from there.
I prefer to look at myself as being open to possiblities rather than actively looking. We all develop relationships at different rates and are more comfortable in some situations than others.
I agree with finding poly friendly groups in your area. The more people you meet the more likely it is that you will make that conncetion.
-Derby
LovingRadiance
11-20-2009, 02:23 AM
Bide your time. Learn about you. Grow with your wife. Keep your eyes out.
Good luck. ;)
I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through Macbeth.I have been checking out the net looking around. But to be honest I have just recently decided to just hang back and let things happen TO me and not try and make things happen FOR me. That being said I have now meet two different possibilities. :rolleyes: But friends first Im NOT jumping into anything with my eyes closed.
Take your time and build yourself into the best and happiest man you can be and remember to have fun with it. Life is to dam short to waste even a minute of it.
Peace and Love
Maca
CountryGal
11-22-2009, 01:03 AM
It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"
I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.
I can totally relate!
Ceoli,
I would love to discuss, just discuss if you like, polyamory with you. My wife recently left, sometime after "we" decided that open marriage was most natural. Right, now she's open and I'm closed! Anyway, drop me a line. Great Thanksgiving to you,
John
It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"
I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.
Foxflame,
I know too well what this is like. My wife recently left, after "we" had decided that open marriage was more natural re: evolution, etc. So she is now openly with Mr. Wonderful and I am closed! It has been really hard. Like to talk to you, drop a line, OK? Happy Thanksgiving to you,
John
I'm in the same boat.
redpepper
11-25-2009, 09:17 PM
Oh dear John. I do hope you are okay. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Thank you, Redpepper. It was really hard, but Humanism has been very helpful. Also got in contact with family, needed that. Happy Thanksgiving!
redpepper
11-25-2009, 10:37 PM
Thanks! We had ours here in Canada, thinking about the next holiday time now. Have a great long weekend all of you in the States.
Oh (name of a god I don't believe in), of course that's right. How do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Ceoli
11-26-2009, 01:26 AM
Ceoli,
I would love to discuss, just discuss if you like, polyamory with you. My wife recently left, sometime after "we" decided that open marriage was most natural. Right, now she's open and I'm closed! Anyway, drop me a line. Great Thanksgiving to you,
John
Aww, that's really hard!
Perhaps there should be another poly single thread. There seem to be a few of us out there.
Ceoli,
Poly Singles Unite! Hey, there's an idea...;)
Ceoli
11-26-2009, 03:29 AM
Here's an old thread about it that I started when I first joined the boards.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=448
C,
Jump rope! really...My Ex is with her new Man, and they have a mutual friend there also. Ex called to see if I was all right. LOL!
redpepper
11-26-2009, 07:53 AM
What's happened John, or is it too private?
We do similar thanks giving things... I think people do most of their traveling to get home to families at Christmas though.
It has a bit of a different history as far as I know. Not so much about pilgrams but more about being thankful for the harvest. It follows harvest time. We are geographically more northern so our harvest is at a different time of the year.
thanks for asking :)
Hi Redpepper,
We don't know exactly what date the pilgrims (some of whom were my ancestors) celebrated the first Thanksgiving. We do know that they had survived, barely, through the sea voyage to the New World, disease, and famine, for over a year in this strange new land.
They thanked their God, that first Thanksgiving, but they also invited and acknowledged the First Nations people who had taught them how to grow corn, etc. It may have been the first and last time the colonialists ate in peace with the local First Nations, whom they exterminated within 100 years.
So today I am giving thanks to all the people, including you my new polyfriends, who have helped me. I thank the First Nations for teaching my ancestors survival skills. I also thank the entire Biosphere for supporting and caring for me. It is really a Happy Thanksgiving! make it a good one,
John
kingtone
05-19-2011, 01:31 AM
to me it seems as though things are unbalanced with you relationship, she has another but you don't is that real poly or are you just excepting of the face that she sees other men? If you really are into poly, why don't you try to approach female you know that you like and start your own outside relationship? if it's ok for her to see other men then surely it should be ok for you to see other women/men (what ever you want.) If that's not ok then maybe your not poly, your just allowing her to cheat on you. For this type of relationship to work it has to be best fit, not all equal because it may never be that way, but something that works for you :)
Good luck mate I'm new to this too :)