Rarechild
08-07-2009, 10:03 PM
This is going to be quite a read, so get comfortable and sit with me...
I am so very happily overwhelmed with my recent life experiences. I have made a practice for myself while online- connecting with new friends and old- there is so much to tell, so I will start with the here and now, today, what I am doing this moment, and flash back as it's appropriate to relay all of the forces that have come together recently to make me feel wondrously free, validated and loved by myself and the cherished ones in my life.
I am in the bedroom of my home which I share with D, my husband. My two dogs are snoozing peacefully on the floor. It is overcast here in Michigan, cool and lovely, and I am looking forward to a walk through Kalamazoo's citywide monthly art happening later tonight with my redbone coonhound, Cleo, who has not had a long walk yet today.
D just left to play a festival on the lakeshore- he is a very talented singer, banjoist, guitarist, songwriter (so many things) with a regionally successful 5-piece string band.
Earlier this morning, I finally got an e-mail from a man I am highly interested in (will call him S) who had withdrawn from me after a very passionate exchange once I told him I would not have an "affair" with him, but had told D all about it, and I was open to exploring our connection under the condition that we were all fair and honest with one another.
I think it was very strange for S to be approached that way- as I have heard repeated in this forum and elsewhere about poly dynamics, and from my own experience, it seems easier to cheat than to do the work of revealing yourself internally and externally to produce a more meaningful exchange. Yes, it is damaging, terribly so, to lie, and I have lied again and again because I never believed my desire for many loves would ever be acceptable to anyone, including myself. I was so wrong.
The most precious thing I have gained from this enormous catharsis I am experiencing is the acceptance of myself. It feels so good. I feel lighter on the ground. No reason to destroy with lies ever again about anything. I feel I have started my life over again, changed in so many ways, now fully able to embark on the journey of true love in all ways.
Discussing S with D has become normal. I told D that S was finally responding to me with questions instead of fear, and he was happy for me.
After an exchange with S a few days ago, where I felt S was being cagey and was disappointed with his vague responses, D comforted me, said S would come around, pointed out that this is a lifestyle and way of being that few have ever considered, let alone lived. He told me to be patient, and if S didn't feel good about it, it would be ok, this is, after all, our first shot at pursuing another relationship. He said S would be crazy not to want to see me again, and said if S could be in my presence, look at me, smell me, touch me, he would not be able to resist my beauty. ( S lives out of state, I met him while on vacation in early July) D said he felt good about talking to me about S, felt good supporting me, being party to ALL of my desires and hurts.
Before D left to go rock out, we were both reading today's forum posts, which we both do every day now- it has been such an education, such an outlet for us, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, you beautiful people, for all of your support and wisdom.
D and I had some hot sex right before he went, as we have been doing more and more frequently since we have started to really reveal ourselves to each other, starting with my forcing myself , quite literally and with great anxiety, to tell him about S.
D and I just passed our 4th anniversary in June. We have known one another for about 5 years. When we met, we fell in love so hard that it was an excersize in patience for me to not want to ask him to marry me that first week. We knew a good thing when we saw it, and inside of 3 months we were engaged. We conceded to wait a whole year, give or take a few weeks for the sake of perfect weather ( of course counting from the exact day we met, so as not to lose time :)) to be wed on a rose-covered sand dune at the furthest point on Cape Cod, Mass. with 28 of our closest friends and family, in a state that had the closest thing to fair marriage laws that we could find at the time.
I am bi, and D has always known that. My own personal view of sexual preference is that it's just that, preference- I think we are all just sexual- and we fall in love with people of different sexes as we allow ourselves to, emotionally and physically. My own view of course, no disrespect to others, but this makes the most sense to me.
I have loved many people in a way that wasn't exactly platonic, but not exactly the monogamous romantic ideal, god, how I hate the labels. There is only one label I have ever liked the sound of, and it's polyamorous. I did not know this word a few years ago, and I was too chickenshit to make it mean something in my life until very recently. Now that I have, so many pieces of my own personal puzzle have started to fall into place, and every day I remember some experience, some hurt, some beautiful person I have clashed with in my life, that brings my feelings out into the light a little more, explains a struggle, and just makes me voracious for life in a way I have never felt before.
I will pause before endeavoring to describe what I feel was a whole life full of starvation to say that D is the most beautiful person I have ever met. He loves me period. Time and time again, when I come to him with honesty, little by little, terrified that I will lose him, terrified that I am not thinking straight, he accepts me, calms my fears and loves me some more. He doesn't let me walk away from a fight. He demands that I engage with him as he does with me and has challenged me, enlightened me, and been a soulmate from day one. He will not be with someone who doesn't love him, and through all of our struggles he has been able to see that I do-even as we both made mistakes and neglected ourselves and each other. I will never regret a single moment spent with him- the good and the bad, every time I felt like running but stayed, every time we have overcome pain and started again. He helps me to be myself, and not be afraid, and I am blessed that we do this for each other. I hope we will always.
I went out to dinner to celebrate with a close friend last night after taking my last final for the summer semester( I am a full-time English major and started back to school last year at age 29) and told her more about my discoveries of late- she is a graduate student pursuing a master's in family therapy- so she is always one of the first people I talk to about my ups and downs, she is able to use her talents to bring a lot out of me that sometimes I can't find for myself, but she does so with love for me and D- we have all been friends for years.
Talking with her about polyamory helped me to remember so many experiences I have had in the past- dating male/female couples or several people openly that were all close, feeling what I recognize now as compersion (compersion just added to spellcheck dictionary! Ha!) when my male friends were attracted to my boyfriends, as well as carrying on thinly veiled romances with people outside of my "monogamous" relationships, stopping short of physical contact, but wanting it badly and settling for emotional cheating and lots of frenzied, fantastical, secret journaling because I didn't know how to be open.
There is so much coming to the surface as I write- and believe me I feel foolish for my lack of understanding in the past. But I don't feel bad about it, I feel grateful that it's over, because it was very difficult and confusing for everyone involved.
(continued in new thread- I actually exceeded the 10,000 character limit!)
I am so very happily overwhelmed with my recent life experiences. I have made a practice for myself while online- connecting with new friends and old- there is so much to tell, so I will start with the here and now, today, what I am doing this moment, and flash back as it's appropriate to relay all of the forces that have come together recently to make me feel wondrously free, validated and loved by myself and the cherished ones in my life.
I am in the bedroom of my home which I share with D, my husband. My two dogs are snoozing peacefully on the floor. It is overcast here in Michigan, cool and lovely, and I am looking forward to a walk through Kalamazoo's citywide monthly art happening later tonight with my redbone coonhound, Cleo, who has not had a long walk yet today.
D just left to play a festival on the lakeshore- he is a very talented singer, banjoist, guitarist, songwriter (so many things) with a regionally successful 5-piece string band.
Earlier this morning, I finally got an e-mail from a man I am highly interested in (will call him S) who had withdrawn from me after a very passionate exchange once I told him I would not have an "affair" with him, but had told D all about it, and I was open to exploring our connection under the condition that we were all fair and honest with one another.
I think it was very strange for S to be approached that way- as I have heard repeated in this forum and elsewhere about poly dynamics, and from my own experience, it seems easier to cheat than to do the work of revealing yourself internally and externally to produce a more meaningful exchange. Yes, it is damaging, terribly so, to lie, and I have lied again and again because I never believed my desire for many loves would ever be acceptable to anyone, including myself. I was so wrong.
The most precious thing I have gained from this enormous catharsis I am experiencing is the acceptance of myself. It feels so good. I feel lighter on the ground. No reason to destroy with lies ever again about anything. I feel I have started my life over again, changed in so many ways, now fully able to embark on the journey of true love in all ways.
Discussing S with D has become normal. I told D that S was finally responding to me with questions instead of fear, and he was happy for me.
After an exchange with S a few days ago, where I felt S was being cagey and was disappointed with his vague responses, D comforted me, said S would come around, pointed out that this is a lifestyle and way of being that few have ever considered, let alone lived. He told me to be patient, and if S didn't feel good about it, it would be ok, this is, after all, our first shot at pursuing another relationship. He said S would be crazy not to want to see me again, and said if S could be in my presence, look at me, smell me, touch me, he would not be able to resist my beauty. ( S lives out of state, I met him while on vacation in early July) D said he felt good about talking to me about S, felt good supporting me, being party to ALL of my desires and hurts.
Before D left to go rock out, we were both reading today's forum posts, which we both do every day now- it has been such an education, such an outlet for us, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, you beautiful people, for all of your support and wisdom.
D and I had some hot sex right before he went, as we have been doing more and more frequently since we have started to really reveal ourselves to each other, starting with my forcing myself , quite literally and with great anxiety, to tell him about S.
D and I just passed our 4th anniversary in June. We have known one another for about 5 years. When we met, we fell in love so hard that it was an excersize in patience for me to not want to ask him to marry me that first week. We knew a good thing when we saw it, and inside of 3 months we were engaged. We conceded to wait a whole year, give or take a few weeks for the sake of perfect weather ( of course counting from the exact day we met, so as not to lose time :)) to be wed on a rose-covered sand dune at the furthest point on Cape Cod, Mass. with 28 of our closest friends and family, in a state that had the closest thing to fair marriage laws that we could find at the time.
I am bi, and D has always known that. My own personal view of sexual preference is that it's just that, preference- I think we are all just sexual- and we fall in love with people of different sexes as we allow ourselves to, emotionally and physically. My own view of course, no disrespect to others, but this makes the most sense to me.
I have loved many people in a way that wasn't exactly platonic, but not exactly the monogamous romantic ideal, god, how I hate the labels. There is only one label I have ever liked the sound of, and it's polyamorous. I did not know this word a few years ago, and I was too chickenshit to make it mean something in my life until very recently. Now that I have, so many pieces of my own personal puzzle have started to fall into place, and every day I remember some experience, some hurt, some beautiful person I have clashed with in my life, that brings my feelings out into the light a little more, explains a struggle, and just makes me voracious for life in a way I have never felt before.
I will pause before endeavoring to describe what I feel was a whole life full of starvation to say that D is the most beautiful person I have ever met. He loves me period. Time and time again, when I come to him with honesty, little by little, terrified that I will lose him, terrified that I am not thinking straight, he accepts me, calms my fears and loves me some more. He doesn't let me walk away from a fight. He demands that I engage with him as he does with me and has challenged me, enlightened me, and been a soulmate from day one. He will not be with someone who doesn't love him, and through all of our struggles he has been able to see that I do-even as we both made mistakes and neglected ourselves and each other. I will never regret a single moment spent with him- the good and the bad, every time I felt like running but stayed, every time we have overcome pain and started again. He helps me to be myself, and not be afraid, and I am blessed that we do this for each other. I hope we will always.
I went out to dinner to celebrate with a close friend last night after taking my last final for the summer semester( I am a full-time English major and started back to school last year at age 29) and told her more about my discoveries of late- she is a graduate student pursuing a master's in family therapy- so she is always one of the first people I talk to about my ups and downs, she is able to use her talents to bring a lot out of me that sometimes I can't find for myself, but she does so with love for me and D- we have all been friends for years.
Talking with her about polyamory helped me to remember so many experiences I have had in the past- dating male/female couples or several people openly that were all close, feeling what I recognize now as compersion (compersion just added to spellcheck dictionary! Ha!) when my male friends were attracted to my boyfriends, as well as carrying on thinly veiled romances with people outside of my "monogamous" relationships, stopping short of physical contact, but wanting it badly and settling for emotional cheating and lots of frenzied, fantastical, secret journaling because I didn't know how to be open.
There is so much coming to the surface as I write- and believe me I feel foolish for my lack of understanding in the past. But I don't feel bad about it, I feel grateful that it's over, because it was very difficult and confusing for everyone involved.
(continued in new thread- I actually exceeded the 10,000 character limit!)