Let's try this again....

[AJbear77]

I wrote my life story basically, and when I went to post it, it said I was not logged in. I will try my best to break it down because I don't have all the energy to write that again, lol.

-I am a gay female in a 9 year closed relationship with a bi female. We moved in right away and have been pretty much married ever since
-When I was first exposed to swinging/open relationship/polyamory about 5 years ago (I know the difference between all but was exposed to all at the same time) I was very threatened by it, had a negative emotional response and since I am very introspective, have been trying to understand why ever since.
-I have always been insecure in our relationship that she would meet a man and leave me for him, because she has been with a lot of men and been married, etc.
- We love each other immensely and thinking of ever being a part causes us great pain
- still, we recently had a talk about the idea of an open relationship and she did admit to missing men, not that she had to act on it. I have only been with one other female and it was a dysfunctional relationship and I have always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman because i was almost 23 when I met my partner.
- I can't imagine sharing my partner with a man (as illogical as it sounds. Intellectually I see how this is wrong, emotionally is another story) and have this fear that opening this can of worms was not a good idea
- I don't know if I could share myself with another woman. the idea sounds nice, but like what i have read by Mono (of Redpepper and Mono) I feel the same. I think I am one of those that can only have those deep emotions for one person, and sex is only good for me if those deep emotions are present.
- how do either of us know if bringing someone else into our relationship will not destroy us. And I am not keen on the risks of trial and error
- I am sad that she wants to be with a man. I feel like I can't compete with that. I am not intimidated by women because they just don't threaten me. Men do for some reason. Again, sorry. I am working on understanding that one now.

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay. If it is someone who respects our life partnership and can love and respect me as a person, well, then that sounds nice. I think it would be hard to find,though. I would not say I would not foresee problems, as I think there still would be. It is just now that we had these conversations, I worry that she will want this now and I don't know if I can handle it. I have been shaky and had an upset stomach since we have been talking about this since last week. I don't know what to do or think anymore...I just don't know.

Please go easy on me. I know there are a lot of atheist here, but I am spiritual and going through a spiritual awakening and have been for a few years consciously. There is a tug-of-war going on between my ego and my higher self or whatever. I feel the internal battle. I trying to cut through fear, but it is really hard.

[MonoVCPHG]

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay. If it is someone who respects our life partnership and can love and respect me as a person, well, then that sounds nice. .

I need to clarify one thing here. The person I am now is completely understanding of Redpepper bringing a woman into her life. I simply can't provide the energy or physical intimacy a woman can so it is easier for me to understand. As the person I am now, I cannot pretend that the concept of another "intimate" man coming into our relationship would not change it. It would.

I think she will be able to offer a good perspective into this though.

Take care and always do what keeps you healthy.

[MonoVCPHG]

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay.

Sorry, I misread this..this was sort of a compliment:)

[AJbear77]

I thought of. I guess I am trying to get to a point if we are monogamous because we WANT to be....that that is the only thing that makes sense, or because of fear. Fear as it concerns ourselves, fear as it concerns the other. I don't wan to tell her No, you can't do this. I don't want her to tell me No, I can't do something. Ya know?! That is where I struggle the most, as I don't WANT her to fall in love with someone else, I want her to only feel overwhelming love for me, but I don't want her to feel that she has to force herself to only have feelings for me.

I can definitely say that polyamory does not come natural to me in that i can't see myself with just one person for the rest of my life. I can! I am not like some I read where that 'C' (comergence?? i don't remember) word just comes naturally - that it just makes sense that I love other people and want my partner to love other people. More power to ya. I could consider myself attracted to the idea of polyamory as I did fall for someone while being with my partner, but we had been very distant and had problems, so I can't honestly say I fell for this other female because I am able to love 2 people at once and it wasnt because I was lonely and missing something. I told my partner immediately when me and this woman acknowledged our feelings for each other. We never acted on them.

[AJbear77]

Yes Mono - It was not sorta a comment, it was genuinely one ; )

[MonoVCPHG]

For me, honoring, respecting, and in fact holding the relationship of Redpepper and her husband above all else is a matter of loving both of them. This is my contribution to the strenght of our "v". I love both of them and thier son in a way that is not selfish or possessive. Thier growth and connection is internally more important than my own needs and wants in this. This isn't a sad thing, it is a profound sense of love I have never felt before.

Thanks for the compliment..Redpepper could still have done better, just a little bit of poly in me would have been nice. Sounds like you may have that.:D

[redsirenn]

Hi,
I am new to the polyamory world too. I am currently dating someone with the intent on opening up our relationship to other loves. I understand how you feel - every time Ourobors mentioned this idea earlier it freaked me out. All the thoughts you posted ran thru my head as well.

If she is not considering exploring this right now, just take some time to think about it for yourself. There is no need to force yourself to believe one thing or another, just sit with it for a while and talk to her when you feel comfortable or when you have questions.

Time and patience will probably reveal alot to you both. There isn't really any need to rush, especially if you feel uncomfortable right now. But remember to keep an open mind, and try to develop your own, independent thoughts about this. It is best if you come to an opinion or conclusion based on YOUR true feelings, not because of someone else - although they might open your eyes to begin with.

The goal, to me anyhow, is to feel centered in my decision and to be sure I am looking out for myself at all times.

[XYZ123]

Right now it is not a reality, but an idea. Which means you (hopefully) have time to think about it, talk it over, and ask any questions you might have. Keep the conversations with our gf open and honest and let her know your thoughts and fears. It doesn't seem as if you need to come to a conclusion immediately so give yourself time and relax. I've had one true poly relationship since being married and all of these thoughts filled my head as well. Just as they fill my head again now when considering seeking a new relationship in the future (first didn't work out).
I do wonder what it is about men specifically that threatens you. As a bisexual woman married to a man, I can see why he isn't up for opening our relationship to another man. But a woman does not threaten him as he could never provide for the same physical and emotional needs as a woman. I'd like to understand your reasons should you figure those out. And maybe some of the men here can help calm those fears.

[vandalin]

One thing that might help is something my husband has come to accept. I am the poly person in our relationship although we have yet to fully achieve a third for our "V".

Love is not a zero-sum game. Meaning, just because someone else is receiving love from your partner, doesn't mean you are loved any less. This is where the silimarity to having more than one child come into play, would you love child A any less when child B is born or comes into your life? Did you love your partner any less when you found yourself falling for the other woman you mentioned?

And for most people COMPERSION (that c word :) ) takes time and effort, especially if you are not used to a poly lifestyle. My husband is working on it for me and I know that if he ever choose to find another partner, I would have to work hard to have it for him even though I am of the poly persuasion.

Whatever happens, talk about it, be honest and open. If you are uncomfortable tell her and most importantly figure out why. Then you can ask yourself if it is a good reason or a fear that can be attacked and destroyed. If you do choose to go and attempt a poly relationship, go SLOW.

Things to think about, are you threatened by any male friends (plutonic) that she has? Why or why not? I am also curious as to what it is about men that you find threatening.

Good luck and keep thinking and questioning!

[AJbear77]

I would love to know why, too. I have narrowed it down to a couple of good ideas:

-I was not hardly around any men as I was growing up because of my mom's own intimacy issues with men. I did not even meet my father until I was 15. But on the rare few occasions my mother was with a man in my life, her attention turned from me to the man she was with...and I felt forgotten and abandoned. This was hard as I was an only child and the focus of my moms attention until the men entered the picture. This is only something that has even come into my mind in the past few days as an 'Aha' thing.
-My only past girlfriend and my first love, left me for a man.
-I am a very attractive gay female that is decently feminine and no one ever suspects I am gay. I am very confident about who I am and what I am able to offer as a woman and a lover. No other woman threatens me about that. Not so with a man. I don't like the idea that a man can penetrate her and I can't. This is WAY more intimacy than I am able to have...the ability to feel her inside, and I don't want to share her in a way that I am not able to have her if that makes sense. A man can do whatever I am able to do (although probably not as well ; ) )

That is about all I have come up with so far. I know I need to work on my unhealthy attitude towards men. I mean, they are fine so long as they are not a threat to me concerning my near and dear. I am not a man hater.

[redpepper]

I feel for you. I really do. I remember being a lesbian and the thought of some guys penis in my woman. I was repulsed and discusted. Not to say you are, but there is no shame in that.

I also remember the trauma I put my wife of 5 years through when I came out as bi. She had very much the same reaction you are, bless her dear dear soul. I still weep over that. I would gladly have her back as one of my partners but I am now commited to a life long deep friendship with her that has been 11 years now. She keeps me on my toes with her questions and blunt honesty about her feelings towards poly. She has never and will never understand it.

When we broke off our "V" (her and my now husband), it was because I needed to follow my heart. I had had many relationships with men and had finally found a decent one. Now I have two primaries that are good good men. They do exsist. I'm sure if your partner finds one she won't settle for anything but the best. Especially considering her lesbian background!! You may very well be surprised. Be rest assured that there is a world of difference between male and female sex and intimacy. I for one have a lot of male intimacy in my life and still long for a woman, because of that difference. There is no way that she will be replacing you as far as I am concerned. It sounds, if she is at all like me, that she wants to feel whole in her sexuality. This is a good thing and can be temendously rewarding for you if you can muster up some compersion and also... This is a big one! Face your lesbian friends!

Good luck! I have more to say I think but if you read some of my past posts you may find that useful. I have talked about this before I think... ?

[AJbear77]

No, your first sentence was right on the money. I am glad you wrote that and I am glad you understand. You can just lay it all on the table sometimes I have noticed in reading past posts and I was a little nervous of what your response would be..LOL.

Yes, there is no better way to describe the penis in my lady's v-jay jay as completely yuck! I was thinking... I don't know if I could look at it the same. How would I be able to go down on her again after feeling so sick about it. I don't want to do something that is going to ruin our intimacy.Yeah...this is a tuffy. Good thing there are no 'possibles' out there right now.

[MonoVCPHG]

I don't want to do something that is going to ruin our intimacy..

You and I have a lot in common in some ways I think :D

[redpepper]

I would sure hope that she would use a condom! At the very least you can be rest assured its only her you are tasting.

Sorry for the radical honesty over this one folks, but seriously safe sex should always be radically honest!

I can relate entirely to how you feel though. I think any of us can when we think of the first time we faced our partners heading out to be intimate with another. I know it pains mono deeply to think of the possibility of my being penetrated by anyone other than the three of my men. Sounds silly as there are three, but really its the unknown that is feared.


I remember my husbands first responses to my having been intimate with another man. It really helped that he knew him and had started a friendship with him beforehand. Very important to it feeling okay and acceptable.

I also remember the first time he was intimate with a woman he loved. I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing because she saw no value in knowing me or bothering to establish a relationship with me of any kind. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of his penis entering her and his mouth on her cunt. Blah! I still am that it even happened under those circumstances!

Needless to say, the relationship ended because of her inability to reach any kind of depth beyond sex and because of her belief that it was not important to know me.

Now my husband is seeing someone else and has my blessing. This man is respectful of our relationship and of me. He values knowing me which is important as it has become a prerequisite in his being intimate with another.

The man actually came over to me at an event we were both at and thanked me for my being open to sharing my man with him. I told him I was glad to because he is an amazing man and deserves amazing people in his life. That I was glad to share him with the right people. He is most definitely "redpepper approved!" (manners and consideration for others are so important!)

Don't forget that you have the right to make some guidelines. I always say that success in poly is based on the comfort of the most fearful. If you are not comfortable then it will not work.

You can also have the "vito" power if you both agree to it. I used it on my husband's last love. You can also find someone together for her. That way you can be more in control of who she reaches out to in pursuing another relationship.

All in good time my friend. There is no rush it seems and for that I would be grateful. You are in a good position to make this "your" journey together and that in itself is a gift. Some of us have it forced upon us.

One last thing, perhaps talking about what she misses about men and who she finds attractive would be helpful at some point too. When you can stomach it of course. Baby steps :)

[redpepper]

I'm sorry I made you nervous :(

I am honest and blunt for sure, but not unreasonable I hope :)

[MonoVCPHG]

I know it pains mono deeply to think of the possibility of my being penetrated by anyone other than the three of my men. Sounds silly as there are three, but really its the unknown that is feared.




I wasn't goping to comment about this because me and AJ share this opinion. "Pains deeply" is a small way to put it, and it's definitely not just about the penis penetrating you. It's not the unknown in this case either but that is a topic not needed to be discussed here :)

[AJbear77]

First off, to Mono...I meant comlement earlier - not comment :o. I am sure you got that though.

Redpepper - You have a lot of great insights. You come across as fiery, but in a good way (overall. not in the comments to me. I have felt pampered with those and it is much appreciated)

Yes. We were looking at this as journey to take together. I wanted to put it on the table as well to alleviate some of my fear of her leaving me for a man, because then she would know (and I would know) that she could approach me if she had desires and feelings she felt she needed to explore.

We just had a conversation...again...while running errands, and I told her about what I had been talking about here. I had not told her about the difference I felt about a man penetrating her because it was an intimacy we could not share, because thinking about my feelings in order to respond here was when I was able to pinpoint what it was about it. She understood my point. And yes, if this ever were to happen, it would have to be with a condom for sure. No if, ands, or buts about it. That is showing utmost respect for ones own body and for the primary partner in the relationship for sure.

Anyway, we know that we need to work more on us right now, anyway, because after 9 years, we are kinda in a rut. So, we have made a decision to table this for now, work on us, and once we are where we want to be with each other again, discuss our views and feelings then. Even not having been poly before, I have enough foresight and logic to know that there will be problems if we are not getting all that we need from each other already. We can't use others to fill a void or that is a disaster waiting to happen, and a major jealousy producing situtation.

But, I will stick around to read more and ask questions. The concept of more love is what intrigues me the most and makes it desirable. Like expanding a family. That is what I like most in the way Mono describes it. Ideally, I think if I could get over the sex part of it when it comes to her and a man, and we (I like the idea of us chosing together for that feeling of some input and control) find someone together that we can agree on and that I can see as a friend, it might be nice. Especially since I have not had many good men in my life. It would be nice for a man to love and respect me for me, not having anything to do with sex, because I don't want that. Baby baby baby steps.

[AJbear77]

Redpepper - Am I to understand that you were with a woman partner in a closed relationship for 5 years, as a lesbian...came out as bi, then met your husband and eventually left her after starting a poly relationship during your relatinship with her?! LOL :confused:

hmmmmm, I must say that does NOT reassure me at all - LOL

I have always known that my partner was bi (lucky for this not to be a complete shock)...however, she has always prefered women. I think she has forgotten that since she has been with one for so long, but let's put it this way - she has 3 tatoos. The tiniest one (on her ankle) was from her grieving a man...the largest one which took 5 hours and takes up a big part of her back, was from a female. The other I think was just for the hell of it, lol. Her problem before was always meeting women..and meeting the right ones. It was hard for her to meet them, but her desire was always stonger towards women, though. So I am lucky on that front.

As for me. People are always curious. Actually, I have been with a handful of men...and after I came out as gay at 17, funny enough. I only slept with ones that were actually friends and that I cared about. It is just not my thing. I could have casual sex with them, but I never could with women because that is where all my emotions lie...the fireworks. But I don't like casual sex, and just don't prefer sex with men. Just have to put that out there for anyone who is thinking who knows what...because I have heard it ALL as to theories of why I am gay. It is not because I need the right man. It just IS.

[redpepper]

I am sure you are "not reassured" by my having left my wife to be with my now husband. As I said earlier though, she was not able to let me be me and in the end we both decided that it was not healthy for either of us.... also, as I said, I have mourned the loss of her ever since and have shaped my love into a deep friendship now. I will always love her.... she was here last night and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even when she asked me some really hard questions about Mono and my husband and what I would do if I ever found myself loving one more than the other...

No, I am not the one who left. If she could find it in her heart to accept the way I am and be intimately close again, I would be in heaven! She is by far my ideal woman. It has made it really hard to search for another I can tell you.

[MonoVCPHG]

Even when she asked me some really hard questions about Mono and my husband and what I would do if I ever found myself loving one more than the other...

It has made it really hard to search for another I can tell you.

I would hope you always love your husband more, I'm quite comfortable in that. I've said before that I think he is the only one who has ever loved you more than me. He has strenghts and understanding that I don't. I respect that and love him for it. That is why I feel we are all meant to share life together.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you, Love.

AJ,

if she finds some one who holds your primary relationship as sacred as I do Redpepper and her husband's, I believe you'll be fine emotionaly at least.

Take care

[redpepper]

I'm glad you are not going away AJ. There is so much to learn on this forum. I am really glad that you are able to take baby steps with your partner. It sounds like she is moving very slowly and that is a good thing.

Is she on here or reading up? I would love to talk to her too as I soooo remember where I was at with all this when I told my ex-wife that I was interested in men still.

I really feel for your situation as it is so much like how we started out. It has made me so proud of my journey and all the work I have put in. I continue to feel blessed and fortunate to be so loved too.

I am fiery when I hear that people are being mistreated because they aren't standing up for themselves, and when they are mistreating others because either the other doesn't know what is going on or is unable to stand up for themselves....

My ex-girlfriend used to call me a kind of poly super hero that protects the weak and those going down a path of destruction. I don't know about that, but it made me feel that I am at least a voice of some kind of reason in the poly world....

I know most of the time people don't want to hear it, but most of the time people appreciate that I can sum up stuff that they are not seeing and kick them in the ass at the same time. Besides, if you don't want a real opinion then don't start a thread I figure.

I don't have any reason to do that with you AJ, you are kicking your own ass, and treating each other with the respect you both deserve. No wonder you have had such a successful relationship so far! I'm so glad to hear that you are both working on making it even better and stronger! Nothing like a shot of poly to do that.... if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger and even more in love.... I guarantee it!

[MonoVCPHG]

Nothing like a shot of poly to do that.... if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger and even more in love.... I guarantee it!

I must admit. I probably wouldn't recommend poly to a couple if they were trying to make thier relationship stronger and better..We truly have some very different wiring LOL!! Not a bad thing..that just makes us stronger and better!:D

[redpepper]

I must admit. I probably wouldn't recommend poly to a couple if they were trying to make thier relationship stronger and better..We truly have some very different wiring LOL!! Not a bad thing..that just makes us stronger and better!:D

I simply meant that by challenging their relationship to be better after a stagnation time they would have the chance to make their relationship stronger because of their interest in poly. No I would not recommend poly to mono people as couples therapy. They just can't handle it :D cheeky!

[MonoVCPHG]

They just can't handle it :D cheeky!

Saucey, but oh so true:rolleyes:

[AJbear77]

I don't have any reason to do that with you AJ, you are kicking your own ass, and treating each other with the respect you both deserve. No wonder you have had such a successful relationship so far! I'm so glad to hear that you are both working on making it even better and stronger! Nothing like a shot of poly to do that.... if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger and even more in love.... I guarantee it![/QUOTE]


Yeah, well, if nothing else, the discussion in general has helped our relationship in terms of re-evaluating us, what we want and what we don't, more importantly - Why. It also got us talking about us and what we need to improve.

Like I said, I am the one who started the convo, because I am really good at seeing both sides of a situation and when I read the Jenny Block article that came up under my AOL news headlines, I was like, hmmmmm. I could see the good things about it. I can also guess the possible negatives, at least as it pertains to me and my relationship, but did not weigh that first before broaching this with my partner. I can't guess when it comes to others. I think that it is an advancement in consciousness to make this sort of arrangement work. I commend those who can.

Since I am so spiritual as in how it relates to energy and consciousness, I knew there had to exist something on this from a perspective I could really relate to. I googled Spiritual Polyamory and came across Mysticlife's spiritual polyamory. He has a book, website, and a youtube video of him reading from this book and I could TOTALLY relate to what he was saying. He definitely challenges ideas and social norms and why. It made me realize that spiritually speaking, a majority of society is trapped in what I like to call 'toddler consciousness'...basically EGO (myself included, although at least I realize it). Funny enough, the toddler years are when the Ego is formed. I always find it humorous when me and my partner get 'in trouble' for touching each other or showing any sort of affection in his presence, because it is not being geared towards him. Toddler's do not like to share and are very 'me' and 'mine' oriented. Anyway, this whole subject has given me so much insight if nothing else.

My partner's views would be interesting; however, she is not a forum kind of a person. She likes her internet to check her email, watch something on Hulu, or play yahoo word games, lol. So you wont find her here. If and when we were to discuss this again later down the line, and she had an interest, I would want some things on this forum to be required reading. I think at this point, it would be much easier to be poly out of the gate with someone that I was just starting a romance with, not someone that I have been in a closed relationship all this time with, built my life with, and have a child with. We have too many things riding on the success of our relationship to intentionally add another potentially difficult variable to, on purpose. This goes for me as well. The cost/benefit ratio of me meeting someone new are just too big and not worth it to me at this point.

I appreciate all your feedback. You keep up the good work here and with your loves.

[AJbear77]

I forgot to mention that we have a toddler and that is why I referenced what our toddler does up there...little jealous thing he is.

[redpepper]

Thanks for the spiritual links.... very interesting indeed :)

What's the jenny block thing?

I'll have to check up on Hulu too!

geez, so much to catch up on!

[ThirdWheel]

I don't like the idea that a man can penetrate her and I can't. This is WAY more intimacy than I am able to have...the ability to feel her inside, and I don't want to share her in a way that I am not able to have her if that makes sense.

To me (as a man) the act of penetration is not what brings intimacy to my relationship with my gf. Intimacy, IMHO, comes from a meeting of the minds. How close can anyone truly be physically is only a matter of a few inches. But true intimacy really comes from the mind.

The most intimate moments my gf and I have shared have not involved my penis being anywhere near her virgina. Just holding each other and talking all night, sharing our thoughts, hopes, fears, desires, etc., have brought us closer together than any of the penetration we've experienced.

[Mark1npt]

AJ it sounds like you're pretty in tune with what's driving your psyche. Intimacy issues, trust issues, jealousy and emotional abandonement...what a smorgasboard! It isn't hard to see why you feel the way you do. Obviously, fears need to be dealt with adequately for you two to be able to move forward. Are these issues surmountable?

[XYZ123]

To me (as a man) the act of penetration is not what brings intimacy to my relationship with my gf. Intimacy, IMHO, comes from a meeting of the minds. How close can anyone truly be physically is only a matter of a few inches. But true intimacy really comes from the mind.

The most intimate moments my gf and I have shared have not involved my penis being anywhere near her virgina. Just holding each other and talking all night, sharing our thoughts, hopes, fears, desires, etc., have brought us closer together than any of the penetration we've experienced.

Because of unpleasant life experiences, I don't see penetration with a penis as an intimate act either, unless it is attached to the RIGHT man. I was raped by a bf repeatedly when a teen, and again by someone I thought was friend years later. There was nothing intimate about it. But laying there at night with my gf in my arms, talking, laughing, cuddling, even just being in the room with her and sharing a knowing smile....THAT was intimacy. No one can take away that intimacy you have with your gf and no one can replace it, regardless of what differences their body has to offer.

The fact you're willing to listen to her desires and try to be open to them is a beautiful gift. She can be honest with you and you can, in turn, be honest with her. Unless something goes seriously wrong emotionally between you two, I don't think she'd leave you for a man simply because he is a man.

[ThirdWheel]

Unless something goes seriously wrong emotionally between you two, I don't think she'd leave you for a man simply because he is a man.

Since i am the third wheel I don't worry too much about her leaving me for her husband...LOL! She and I get along extremely well and that does occaisionally cause some issues betwen her and her husband. He and I are friends and have talked quite a lot about our situation, but it is still hard for him sometmes and I can understand why, she's a really great person.

We even broke up briefly because he couldn't handle the situation any longer and she and I were absolutely miserable. But he had a change of heart and now we're all back together. He and I as friends and she and I as lovers (bf/gf).

I guess the point of my previous post was to say, don't worry about a man offering her something you can't (i.i a penis), just offer what you have emotionally and be there for her. If there's a love there meant to last, she will appreciate that much more.

[ThirdWheel]

I was raped by a bf repeatedly when a teen, and again by someone I thought was friend years later. There was nothing intimate about it.

There is never anything intinmate about forced rape! On behalf on the male of the species, I appologize. Rape is about anger and domination and the a-holes who do that should be shipped off to a desserted island and given a pistol with one bullet.

I hope you know that there are men in the world who are grown ups and treat women with respect.

A little education goes a long way, support education initiatives in your area. End public service annoucement here.

[XYZ123]

Sorry ThirdWheel. I was actually responding to the OP but used what you wrote as a quote because I liked it and thought it tied well to what I wanted to say. But thank you.

Yeah...being raped sucks. I know that's the understatement of the year, but I've done alot to move past it so I sorta don't look back too much. I have an amazing hubby and many male friends. I don't look down on the male species because of what happened. I did fear men for awhile, but women can do horrible things as well so I've moved on. Though I wouldn't even give the guys a bullet. Just an unloaded gun. Let em suffer.

[AJbear77]

Thanks for all your nice responses. I just don't know. I think I give a little too much importance to the male penis, I suppose...LOL. I have all these issues surrounding this, but still reading a lot on it, like I am supposed to figure it out...supposed to get to some kind of place with it inside. I am still working it out. I don't know what I want or why, and why I can't stop reading about poly. It is so intriguing. I mean, many people just know they are poly...like how I just always knew I was gay. It is confusing. I do love love. I feel that I am more monogamous, but don't know if that is fear or from the cultural influence or just me. I do have a long distance friend I made about 6 months ago and I just love her dearly. The kind of love that you want to express in more ways than one...but not just desire. When me and my partner started talking about this a few weeks ago, I did tell my partner about my strong feelings for this woman. she already knew that I felt very kindred with her. It is not that I think this woman necessarily feels the same way...she is with a man and all that, and she lives about as far from me as possible, but my point is the feelings are there. I do feel like with her and my partner right now, my bases are pretty much covered. Whew...anyway.

[redpepper]

many people just know they are poly...like how I just always knew I was gay.

My husband asked me the other day why we are doing this and I thought of when I came out years ago. He asked me what my intention was and I had no answer for him for a bit, because really I have no idea... with more conversation I came to the conclusion that it is just my path. I am following my path. I have never been happier or more complete and this is how I know it's right for me. Nothing more really. When I came out it was for the same reason. It was my path.