Silence, Music, Mystery and Love. A user's guide to becoming awesome.

[Catfish]

My grandfather, the most influential man in my youth, was a quiet person. I remember him sitting in his chair, watching TV, smiling. I remember him working in the garden, riding his tractor, driving the entire family to church in his beat up old Suburban... all Silently smiling. I don't remember a single word of wisdom uttered. But the Power if his Silence had an indelible effect on me. He always seemed content.

I bring this up here, in my brand spankin' new blog, to remind myself where I came from. When I see myself shut down when faced with fear and uncertainty, I assume that same Silence, only stripped of the Power. As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man. But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.

Then I met Rarechild. And my life changed.

Then RC met Charlie. And my life has changed again.

Charlie is more than a great guy. He's a force of nature. Just like RC. Just like me. He has a great big whole heart. He is obviously a man who was taught by a skilled hand to do much more than simply survive. Next to him, I feel broken.

This situation, this immense tangle of love, is a heavy load. And while my relationship with RC is easily strong enough to bear that weight, my relationship with myself has proved to be less so. The jealousy that I have always felt nearly immune to has made the cracks in my foundation split wide and crumble. And I have been standing here, silently staring at this failing structure, saying "I'm broken. That's so sad. And
now my sadness is affecting the people I love. I'm pushing them away. That's even sadder."

That, my friends, is the fastest way possible to remove yourself from whatever moment you are in.

I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine. But this life is much richer. Much more painful and fulfilling. Much more suited to a force of nature.

The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.

I have that.

And there is much work to do.

Thanks for reading.

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for sharing brother :) I get the falling apart thing. I fought off falling apart for so many years that when it finally happened it wiped away almost everything from my life. I needed help rebuilding but I got there. Now I like to pace my "falling apart" moments to avoid such a great earthquake ever again. It's like a series of small earthquakes as opposed to the "big one".

Thanks again
Take care
Mono

[Charlie]

This man deserves your attention.

He is the real deal.

That is all.

Thank you.

Charlie

[LovingRadiance]

I was just telling Maca that you both impress me,
all three really-but I was specifically talking about you and Charlie.

My grandfather was one of those types, quiet, happy and no one knew why he was happy, but it was because he knew in himself that he did his best.
I know that because just before he died, he told me so. He did his best, and sometimes it wasn't good enough to accomplish whatever needed done, but it was ok, because it was his best effort.

He didn't have to live a life regretting each and every failure (which there were plenty), because he knew he gave life his all.

It sounds to me like you three have a great thing going, specifically the fact that you are all promoting one another becoming the best version of yourselves. That's AWESOME!

So much more envigorating to read about than great sex, is great love.
*to me*

[Rarechild]

My love, I know your growing is painful because I am right here with you no matter what. While it is endearing that you are not aware of how powerful you are, I reject this idea of you not being whole.

I have made my home with you. I have learned love from you. I have become myself again looking into your eyes. I would not build the foundation of my life with you if I did not trust you utterly. You deserve trust, you who trusts in his trusting, loves without effort and without expectation of praise.

You, me and Charlie are all rocked. It's okay, love. You're not alone nor will you ever be. I would like to respond to your perspective with some important realities that you are leaving out. I am your moral compass, after all, please hear me.

As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man.

Yes, survive you did, but much more. As I told you and as Charlie and I have discussed, the fact that you were abandoned by your father, and yet made yourself, on your own steam as a child, into a man; I admire you for that. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be left out in the cold like that. My love, come in and get warm, because you have a family gathered around you close that will never stand for anyone putting you down, locking you out, holding you back-not even you and you can count on that.

But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.

You neglect to mention that your "perfectly normal life of silent survival" included writing amazing poetry and slamming your way to the national stage-how many times? Everyone gaga over your shining hair flipping in the spotlight as you made them laugh and cry, and encouraged countless other writers to find their voices and rip a hole in the sky with you. And then there's your music, your songs, your self-mastery of instruments and another conduit to let it fly out into the Universe. The friend, the son, the lover you have been, this and more was all you before I ever stopped in the dark on my way off the stage to exchange compliments shyly with you.

I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine.

I call bullshit. I don't believe it. I know you too well. I think your metaphor is beautiful, but you have only been shown this perspective as a contrast to what is meant for us so you can be more fully grateful.

The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.

"God continues to break the heart until it remains open."-Rumi

We can be MORE whole in our brokenness. We don't need the road that brought us here anymore. We need the road that leads us on.

Let Fly, and tear up the runway.

-R

[Catfish]

Mono,
It's strange to feel so familiar with someone I've never met. And I'm starting to think we are all one earthquake away from enlightenment.

LR,
Thank you. In your honor I shall love as I wilt.

[LovingRadiance]

Wow, that gave me goosebumps. :)
Thank YOU (and please do)!

One day I'll let Maca put a photo of my tattoo on here (says that on it).
Haven't gotten the nerve up yet....

[Catfish]

You are one crazy motherfucker. And I love you for it.

I trust you, my friend. And I count myself as lucky as Lucky to have you in my life. Our conversation today was one more brick laid squarely. And I don't say that because I learned some great insight from you or finally got to get something off my chest. I say it because I treasure the ability to speak freely with you. That, in and of itself, is a tool we could not do without.

[Catfish]

The words "Thank you" are a mere conversational expression of gratitude. They fall flat over time. They fail to convey the appreciation I have of you.

When we first started falling in love, just after we first spoke the words to one another, I told you in a poem that when I say "Thank you", I really mean "I love you." I still do that.

I will spend the rest of my days in a valiant struggle to bridge the gap between the words "Thank you, my love" and the gratitude I feel.

[River]

All of the most amazing good folks I've known have suffered some terrible loss or trauma or another in their lives which half or nearly killed them in some way. Those losses and wounds will always be with us in some way, but it's possible to reclaim our full flowering, actual and potential, always. Even innocence is there to be claimed. And there's an art to revealing this potential when hidden by clouds, shadowed by darkness, fear and pain. This art is true friendship and love. It's shining here brilliantly.

[MonoVCPHG]

Mono,
It's strange to feel so familiar with someone I've never met. .

Perhaps one day we will change that :)

[Catfish]

Last night Charlie came to town to go to a concert with RC and me. She bought the tickets as a Christmas present for all three of us. The band was great, the house was packed, the stars were in alignment for a good ol' fashioned rocking evening with my favorite people, but I was elsewhere.

Yesterday morning, RC glanced at my computer screen to check the time before work and saw an email (not the body, just the subject line) from a woman I've been corresponding with, but haven't met yet. We'll call her M. The title of the email was "What I want from you". This started a conversation we didn't have time for as we were both on our way to work. Her contention: (paraphrased) "You're speaking way too seriously to a woman you've never even met in person." My contention: "Maybe so. But what the fuck do I know. I've never done this before." Things got a little heated and we ended up parting ways with a cloud hanging over us.

Through the course of the day, I slid into an introspective funk. I began to question everything. My relationship with M. RC's relationship with Charlie. My ability to cope with their relationship. My seemingly eternal struggle with insecurity and jealousy. I spent the day wrestling with my internal monologue. The daemons were fucking with me pretty hard.

It should also be noted that after the accident RC and Charlie were in a couple weeks ago, I slipped into a similar funk that lasted more than a week. I subsequently entered counseling, but after only two sessions, I don't really think we've gotten to the meat of any specific issues. It's still a "getting to know you" type of thing at this point.

Back to the best worst concert ever...

Charlie arrived around 6pm and we sat around chit chatting for a while before going to the show. The entire conversation was laborious for me. I was constantly fighting off jealous thoughts and didn't really have much to contribute, which is a shame because RC had a very interesting day and I wish I could have engaged her a bit more about it. We then took a cab downtown and stopped by a bar next to the theater for a drink. At that point I was optimistic. I had started to feel a little better and was getting excited for some great music. We enetered the theater, saw some friends, said our hellos and went inside. At one point, RC looked over at me and said "You look happier." And I was, right up until I was reminded that I was fighting to be happy. Things started going downhill pretty quickly.

Long story short, I was depressed and jealous the rest of the night. RC was doing her very best to be understanding and still have a good time. Charlie was uninformed of my situation, but definitely not oblivious to the fact that I wasn't being myself. I stopped drinking (which was a good move) but that brought on a headache and made me want to leave. By this time RC was down on the floor jamming out to the band and Charlie was grooving away in the balcony with my sorry ass. I imagine he stayed when RC left as a gesture of solidarity with me. He's good that way.

The show ended and we went home. I immediately got ready for bed because I wasn't feeling well on many levels. RC hugged me and asked what she could do to help. I told her I wanted her to come to bed too. She said she was still keyed up from the show and wanted to hang out with Charlie for a while first. I got it, but wasn't happy about it. I felt shitty about putting a could over the evening already and didn't want to make things worse, so I said fine and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am to find myself alone. Then, awash in anger, self pity and depression, I huffed and puffed around the kitchen looking for something to eat (the hangover wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either). I think I kicked the dog's bone by accident and made enough noise to wake RC up. She and Charlie had fallen asleep upstairs talking. She came down, apologized and, eventually, we curled up in bed and slept a couple more hours before we both had to get up for work again.

So all day today I have been in the same haze I was in yesterday, only there is anger now as well. The two of them should be coming home soon and I look forward to talking some shit out, though I have no idea where to start.

[nycindie]

Catfish, it sounds to me like some very old hurts got stirred up. By old, I mean from way back in childhood. I have the sense that somewhere in you, RC's reaction to your email correspondence with M felt like a reprimand, which may possibly have spun you into a bit of a tantrum. No one likes being told what to do, or feeling like they've been caught doing something wrong, especially if it doesn't seem fair to us. You did get a tad defensive at first. I'm not saying that you did something wrong or that she did reprimand you, but from your state of mind after that happened, it seems like you have interpreted it that way on an unconscious level. If you think back to when you were young, are there any events or situations that you remember which stirred up similar feelings? Sometimes, just seeing where something came from is enough to diffuse it. If nothing comes to mind, that's okay, too.

I think when you sit down and talk to RC and Charlie, just be truthful and say what you've been feeling and how much you're uncomfortable with these feelings. But I think it will help if you look beyond the current situation, further inward, or at the past, to get some perspective on your responses. Try not to get caught up in the drama and instead, see if you can step back a little and observe your mental process to see what it tells you about yourself. Like a scientist.

Hope that helps!

[LovingRadiance]

If I may-

Can I suggest that you start the conversation with something along the lines of:

"Guys, I need some help. I'm struggling with jealousy, insecurity *whatever you feel is the right word* and I can't seem to break it. I know you've noticed, I just don't know what step I need to take right now and I need your help."

I say this because it's obvious from all three of you's posts that there is a great love and care FOR YOU from both of them.
One of the hardest htings to do is trust others to love and care for us when we feel like we aren't living up to our own expectations of ourselves.
Taking that chance, by asking for help from those people tends to not only get the help, but it helps them feel more able to help AND it builds trust which is key to knocking down the feelings you are struggling with.

HUGS to all of you!

[LovingRadiance]

NYC-great answer. :)
I'm forwarding this all to Maca cause I think he could stand to read both the "problem" and your suggested answer. :)

[Catfish]

NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.

GS, I totally employed this tactic (without actually saying "Guys, I need your help") and I was a little amazed by how easily the conversation flowed. Thank you.

The conversation was liberating for me. It carried well into the night and continued again in the morning. Taking on the posture of just needing to talk as a way to process the tangle of emotions was the key. I feel very loved.

LOVED I TELL YOU!

LOVED!

[LovingRadiance]

I'm not GS ;)
But you're welcome.

My suggestion came from being in RC's shoes and knowing what would help me know what was wrong and how to help. ;)

I have however spent endless hours getting advice from GS in the last year. ;)

I'm glad you are doing better!!

[Catfish]

My bad. Thanks again.

[LovingRadiance]

No bad,
gave me a wonderful morning giggle.
:)

I'm glad you feel loved.
I hope that when everyone else wakes up around here I am surrounded by those same emotions!

:)

[nycindie]

NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.
I am so happy to have been helpful in some way and that what I said enabled you to identify where it was coming from. You know, I only "nailed it" because I could recognize myself in you.

[Catfish]

I am a very lucky man.

RC is my partner in every way imaginable. She knows me inside and out and makes no bones about it. When she went back to school a couple years ago I told her that one day she would wake up and be amazed at what she had accomplished. I feel that way right now about our marriage. I had no idea how much growth and love I would encounter after I said the words "I do." She amazes me every day. And I'm beginning to amaze myself.

There have been few men in my life that I feel real intimacy with. Being a straight man in the midwest, that's not uncommon, but Charlie is one of those men. I battle my daemons on a daily basis and more and more I feel like I'm winning. And I see that same struggle in him. Different daemons, same struggle.

The possibilities before us are amazing, but they are nothing compared to what's happening right now. Right now we are, all three of us, on a slow and steady road to freedom. It is no mistake that we are fighting these battles together. There s no other way.

[bella123456]

I see gems here !

[Catfish]

The house is so quiet when RC is away. One might say that it is not quiet because she is away, but because I am quiet when she is away. And they would be right. There are a million things I could do to bring Music into this moment. Instruments litter the living room and my iTunes library is overflowing. There is a fucking 100 year old piano 15 feet away, but I have no interest in playing it. What I want most is to feel secure right now. And I don't.

This forum has been a Godsend at times. You people have offered so much love and support that I feel like I should honor you by gushing stories of growth and compersion everyday. And I want to. But my everyday is not that way. It's a struggle. Everyday. I continue this journey because I believe in the ability to love without limits. Though, ironically enough, I haven't found that place within myself. We live by lofty ideals. We preach communication at all costs. We make this choice and believe in it's merits to the point of pushing ourselves well past what was once comfortable.

I am tired.

There are times when the light at the end of the tunnel is no more than a pinhole. So far away and shrouded by darkness that it's hard to imagine it's anything more than another train headed straight for you.

It's time for me to put the brakes on making "polyamory" work in my life. Now is the time to simply make my life more workable. For this web of love to be possible, I can't just expect time to pass and my jealousy to recede. I need to stomp out the daemons that keep me from living the life I deserve. Self-worth, security, compassion, confidence, strength. Those are not lofty ideals. Those are the bedrocks of love. The seeds of a life well lived.

I love my wife to no end. I would give her anything I am capable of giving. But I can not continue living with this constant hurt. There is still a mountain of fight left in me. I am no where near giving up. Not by a long shot. The work does not frighten me. I am ready for it. What frightens me is that I have gone this far without having done it already. I guess that's called hubris. I was so convinced that we could handle this that I didn't stop to think if I could. And now we are well past the point of no return. I could ask her to end her relationship today and she would do it. But I could never ask her to stop loving someone. Especially someone that fills her with such joy.

[LovingRadiance]

Catfish-
I think that you have a good concept of what you need to do. That's awesome, that's a great first step.
Now, it's time to put it into action. ;)

It's not necessary to always share with us pretty flowers and success. It's ok to share the hard parts too.

God knows I wish I could share MORE flowers and success. Maybe someday!

Hugs!

Even though you don't feel like playing the piano-It would make my day if you played Moonlight Sonata for me. That's my favorite-and I can only play the first 15 stanzas (not much huh). Someday I'll have a piano so I can learn to play instead of just memorizing a few pieces.
;)

[MonoVCPHG]

I was just telling Redpepper about how I would love to hop on my bike and ride down to see you and then I read your blog.I can't make that trip right now for several reasons but it seems even more important now. You have a good energy my friend and I can feel it from here. I'd love to just sit with you and look over a lake or ocean with a beer in hand and the quiet knowledge that we will all be ok. Take care my friend.

[Catfish]

I recently found the Love Language Test (http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp).

I break down like this...

Physical Touch 30%
Quality Time 30%
Words Of Affirmation 20%
Acts Of Service 13%
Receiving Gifts 7%

[River]

I need to stomp out the daemons that keep me from living the life I deserve. Self-worth, security, compassion, confidence, strength. Those are not lofty ideals. Those are the bedrocks of love. The seeds of a life well lived.

First, a virtual hug.

Next...

Stomp them out? All of my wise advisers and my deepest intuitive sense suggest that this approach -- warfare -- will not only not work but it will increase the suffering and delay all healing and growth.

Please examine carefully, gently, tenderly, lovingly. Look deep. And love it all -- every bit of it, all that you are, all that you feel, all that you long for, even your fears. In this way the contracted, hurt, fearful places in your soul will relax a bit, know that they are loved, and then they can grow up, heal, change. With your loving support, your tenderness.

[LovingRadiance]

I just read your latest post and something popped in my head. I apologize if it's inappropriate.
I was wondering-
if maybe the reason that poly is harder in action to some is because they have physical touch as their primary love language?
It is for Maca as well.
But it's not for me.
So for him-if I'm giving physical touch to someone else and not him in any given moment then he feels like he's not "recieving" love at that moment...

Where as for me, it's not like that...

:rolleyes:

Just the thought that went flying through my head at your post. Keep writing Catfish-I love how your words inspire me to think more!

[River]

PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!




Catfish,

Yesterday I was browsing in a local bookstore and stumbled upon a book that I ended up taking home. Titled Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha. I'm about 33 pages into it and it simply rocks! Its the sort of medicine I'm in need of, and, more importantly, am quite ready to take. I thought of you a fair bit while reading those pages, because of what I said above about acceptance of self as the key to changing / healing / growing. That's the core theme of this book, and the author (Tara Brach, Ph.D.), is brilliant at showing the light and the way. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!

Also, see: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=65484&postcount=4


.

[Rarechild]

I was just telling Redpepper about how I would love to hop on my bike and ride down to see you and then I read your blog.I can't make that trip right now for several reasons but it seems even more important now. You have a good energy my friend and I can feel it from here. I'd love to just sit with you and look over a lake or ocean with a beer in hand and the quiet knowledge that we will all be ok. Take care my friend.

Wouldn't that be something? The thought of you two being able to spend time with each other someday makes me very happy. You're all right, man.
-R

[MonoVCPHG]

Wouldn't that be something? The thought of you two being able to spend time with each other someday makes me very happy. You're all right, man.
-R

Yes it would. Thanks Rarechild :)

[Catfish]

LR, Thank you. If I really knew how to play the piano, I'd try to learn that song. Sadly, I'm primarily a banjo player and beautiful songs just don't translate to that God forsaken thing.

Mono, We will one day meet and I got the first round. Bet.

River, Consider it read. And many thanks to you again for your invaluable perspective.

[LovingRadiance]

Oh it's a hell of a long song. :(
I don't really know how to play piano-someday. :) It's on my bucket list!

[Catfish]

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha. I'm about 33 pages into it and it simply rocks!

.

Picked it up this afternoon and I am amazed at how it's resonating with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Charlie]

68. Compassion

Compassion is the finest weapon and best defence.
If you would establish harmony,
Compassion must surround you like a fortress.

Therefore,
A good soldier does not inspire fear;
A good fighter does not display aggression;
A good conqueror does not engage in battle;
A good leader does not exercise authority.

This is the value of unimportance;
This is how to win the cooperation of others;
This to how to build the same harmony that is in nature.

[River]

Picked it up this afternoon and I am amazed at how it's resonating with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Many welcomes and also my own thanks. Every healing heart is the heart of the one life dwelling as many, as one.

This book is just what I needed. It will be my bible for a while.

[Catfish]

In an effort to become more awesome...


A Guide To Cultivating Compassion. (http://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/)

[Catfish]

If you keep one foot in the past and one in the future, you're just pissing on the present. —Ellen Muth

[Catfish]

From "Radical Acceptance"...

"In Buddhism, the three fundamental refuges are the Buddha (our awakened nature), the dharma (the path or the way) and the sangha (the community of aspirants). In these refuges we find genuine safety and peace. We discover a place to rest our human vulnerability, and a sanctuary for our awakening heart and mind. In their shelter we can face and awaken from the trance of fear."

I have been quiet lately, but not silent. I have been working on a building. Whistling as I scrape away cracks and diligently mixing my mortar to the right consistency.

I've been reading and praying. Pausing and breathing. Feeling flush. I've been looking around and purposefully seeing the rhythm of things. The sequence of each process. It's humbling to feel so connected by myself.

My gift is to share this with you... My sangha.

[Catfish]

I am presently taking a break at work, leaning up against a shop table and eating an apple as I thumbtype on my cell phone. I am pretty content with my day's doings and steadily crossing things off my list.

Rarechild, however, is convalescing (sp?) at home. Earlier this week she had a 103.4 temp. The sickest I've ever seen her. She didn't eat for nearly two days and sweat through two sets of sheets. She was a very sick lady.

So why am I leaning on this bench calmly munching on an apple while she is laid up with a four day headache and no strength to do anything but attempt eating and sleeping as best she can? Because Charlie drove two hours to help out a sick friend and her frazzled husband.

This moment right here is an example of what can be accomplished as three.

[Rarechild]

Thanks for mentioning all that about the sheets. That's real attractive.

But seriously, thank you for taking care of me.

-R

[LovingRadiance]

I'm sorry you are feeling so under the weather RC!

To the guys-great job at being a team! :)

Love reading about that stuff!!

[Catfish]

I am nearing the end of a "30 days of gratitude" experiment in which I find something to be genuinely grateful for every day. Today is day 29. This has been an easy exercise. 30 days always goes by faster than you think it will and there's much to be thankful for in my life. It's also been humbling to see it inspire others to do the same. So I'm going to keep going. Everyday. Finding gratitude.

But I'm going to take it a step further. Yesterday I sat down on a nice cushion that RC made in the middle of the living room floor, set a timer for 15 minutes and meditated. This has always been a challenge for me; to sit quietly with myself and stay focused on one thing. My thoughts are sometimes rampant gorillas with sledge hammers intent on taking me to task. But I sat with them. Let them run around and when ever a hammer fell I would return my attention to my breath. I began to concentrate on feeling my body from the inside. Starting with the very top of my head and moving where ever I felt needed attention. As my focus shifted from place to place I could physically feel my cells reacting to my attention. The timer went off and I went about my evening feeling relaxed and calm, not judging the quality of the experience at all.

I will repeat this exercise for the next 30 days and keep a log of it.

[River]

Yay!

[Catfish]

And I make it (semi) public because declarations are powerful. I keep a lot of things private for the same reason.

To the end of becoming awesome (read: to become as free a doer as I am a thinker), I have embarked on my current journey. This includes a regimen of physical fitness, gratitude, meditation, meaningful music and self examination. But that is only one facet of the journey. That part makes me strong enough to accomplish the real work. The work of building a family.

Family is the most important thing I can imagine. A collection of souls intent on experiencing this life together. Family remains when all else falls away. Family does not judge, because it can not judge. It sustains itself by its members supporting each other as well as themselves.

For a family to thrive, there must be sacrifice, but sacrifice alone is not enough. Not by a long shot. There must also be joy, mutual growth, trust, companionship, vulnerability, equality, compassion, understanding... the list is immense. But suffice it to say, if any member gives of themselves for too long without ensuring that they are filled back up with all the beauty that family brings, there with be disharmony.

I am committed to making my family thrive and nurturing it's harmony. There is no work I will not gladly dive into to reach that goal. I have accomplished much recently. I have also faltered. Joy and Pain. Love and Fear. I feel it all. And I am grateful for being allowed to share this with my family.

Protect me. Cherish me. Call on me. I have no choice but to love you.

[bella123456]

Beautiful..
Lovely..
Pure..
honest...
strong..
open..
inspiring..

Thank you :)

[Catfish]

My pleasure.

[Catfish]

Jim was a friend of mine many years ago. He, too, is a force of nature.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

They hand you a nag full of broken glass and they say
"This is your life. Put it back together motherfucker."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Oh No!
Everyone's a robot.
Oh No!
These vegetables have a hidden agenda.
Oh No!
Once you hit that Lucky Strike even once,
You're never the same again.

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Lying in the sunlight the blind yellow dog sniffs, twitches, lifts his head.
He knows I'm around here somewhere.
His body, like mine, remembers everything.
His body, like mine, attracts flies.

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Oh No!
The first time I tasted a woman's come,
I thought I discovered the source of the Nile.

My tongue realized it had a secret identity,
My bones finally understood that they were in fact connected to each other And my blood started singing "Gloria! G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria!"

And then I started thinking...

Hmm. I wonder what else they lied to me about?

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

At the bus stop it's Tuesday
And trust me, aint no one around here praying for transcendence.

At the bus stop the needs are more basic, more naked...
A ride
A drink
A couple bucks
A look
A touch
"Don't fucking do that."
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Hey, please... listen to my stories... please... please... listen to my lies."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

The little girl next door has drawn a blue chalk giant on the sidewalk.
It's got purple devil horns, it's wearing a green cape, it's holding a wild red guitar that really does look like an axe.
"Who's that?" I ask.
"I'm not sure. Mommy says it looks like Dad, but I don't care what she says. I like him anyway."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

That line about everyone's a robot... I was wrong.

Everyone's free to do whatever they choose.

Oh No!
I've never had my nuts caressed by Courtney Love and it looks like now it's not going to happen

And once...

Dick and I were wandering around in New York City and somehow we wound up at the spot where John Lennon was shot and killed.
John
Was
Gone
But the city rolled on

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of cops.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of culture.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of poets.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of neighbors.

It's full of flesh
And blood
And bone
And rubber
And metal
And plastic
And garbage
And gardens
And fences
And alleys
And curses
And perfect nonsense
And pictured windows
And shattered glass
Everywhere
Shattered glass
Everywhere

Go ahead, pick it up, fit it together
Make something whole and perfect from it if you must.

But I say it's better to let it lie there

I say see if you can love it that way

See if you can love what is broken and beyond repair.

[Rarechild]

Love this one. I wish they could hear him say it.
-R

[Catfish]

When this journey began, I saw it a something new and wild. Living on the fringe. Bravely going where precious few have ever dared. And in a way, I was right. This world we live in has been constructed over the last few centuries as a patriarchal, monogamous, male dominated mess, fraught with possession and fear of losing those possessions. So in that regard, this way of life is as fringy as it gets. But in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing new. It is, in fact, a return to a more natural way. There was a time in human evolution when families were more than a man, a woman, their parents, children and siblings. There was a time when there was no such thing as an individual possession. It was more practical to share everything, so as not to burden one back with more than it could bear. There was a time when your family was your tribe. Your village. Your clan.

Imagine if that were the case today. Oh. Right. You are. ;)

[FlameKat]

You sir, are awesome....

as are RC and Charlie.... amazingly awesome people the three of you :D

[Catfish]

Awe, shucks. T'weren't nothin.

;)

[Catfish]

I have learned a few things on this journey that have made it possible for me to open myself to the experience of love without boundaries. That is, being in love with my love while she loves another and he loves me and we all three love loving. Whew. That's a lot of love.

But I digress.

First on the list, Compassion. It's a gift. We give it to those we care for by empathizing with what they are experiencing and loving them through the rough parts. "Rarechild is having a really rough day. Damn it. I love her sooooo much. What can I do to help?" That's compassion. Get some.

But that part is easy. Having compassion for someone you love is part in parcel to loving them. Having compassion for yourself... now that's another matter. To stand outside yourself, witness what you are experiencing from the perspective of a loving friend and say "Damn it. I'm having a really rough day. I love myself sooooo much. What can I do to help?" That, my friends, will change your life.

Second... Judgement. It's impossible to avoid. Try as we may, it happens and there's nothing you can do to quell it's existence in this life. It will happen even to those who are the most accepting and worldly among us. But that's no big deal. It's how you act on that judgement that really matters. So, again. Turn that shit around on yourself. When you can recognize the moments when you are judging YOURSELF, you are on the precipice of awesomeness. It's a trap. you see. When you pick up that cigarette and you know it's going to make you cough and stink and die sooner, that's bad enough. But to then say "I'm such an idiot. Why the hell do I do this stupid thing that I know is wrong. I must be a fucking fool." That does nothing more than fuel the fire that drives you to smoke in the first place.

Third, and most importantly... acceptance. When I first began to ponder this idea on a grand scale, I thought it meant just what it says... accepting all the things I don't want to accept. Not so. It's more about learning that what you don't accept, you avoid. That doesn't make it go away. In fact, it gives it power by allowing it to fester unattended. Find what hurts, what is uncomfortable, what stings, what burns... and then pay attention to it. Employ tactics one and two, then accept that it is there, and will remain. That's part of the human condition. Shit that hurts is painful. But it doesn't have to ruin what's beautiful.

*steps off soapbox*

Awesomeness sequence: initiated.

[redpepper]

:) *hugs* you're awesome. Glad you see that.

[Catfish]

So I met someone. I met her online and... I know, I know... whatever. She's pretty awesome. Of the dozen or so people I have contacted or been contacted by, she is by far the most real connection I've made. We've exchanged countless emails telling of ourselves and reveling in the similarities of our souls. Yes, I said souls.

Here's how it went down... I googled "Sex positive [funny named midwestern town]" and the top result was an OKC profile. I clicked the link and found a really awesome person. And as we all know... I'm into awesomeness. She was poly, pansexual, gave lectures about being sex positive and there she was, loving in my hometown. So I set up a profile and sent her a message. I was definitely hoping she would reply and maybe we could meet, but really I just wanted to start a dialog with her. I wanted to glean some information and make a connection.

I haven't heard back from her. Go figure.

But there I was on OKC. And there were other poly people there, at the ready. Some looking for this. Some looking for that. So I began browsing and eventually started sending messages. Who knows? Right? Worst case scenario... no one gets back to me. Best case... I actually connect with a like minded person.

So about two weeks in, I meet a lovely woman who we'll call the scientist. She's pretty cool, in a poly relationship and there's plenty of attraction. We chat a bit and she asks if she can come out to see the band. RC was absolutely awesome about this and we briefly met said scientist in a crowded little bar while I was tied up playing music all night. It was strange to have her watching me from the crowd, but also exciting. And that RC was there and in support of it was an amazing feeling. She had some friends there who knew the score to talk to about it and Charlie supporting by text. It was a decent first meeting, though I wish I could have had more than a five minute conversation with her in between sets. We've subsequently gone on a couple dates and are developing as friends.

Then about three weeks in I found J. And woa, man. When I read her profile I was astonished at what I was looking at. The content fit the bill of OKCs... oh... I don't know... compatibility algorythms(?), but that's not what caught me. Yes, she had a lot of the same interests as me, but more than that, she was speaking with an intelligent, open-minded compassion. An honest wisdom. She was no flash in the pan.

So I messaged her.

In no time flat we were exchanging dozens of emails and really getting into each other. We playfully poured our lives out in beautiful letters one after another. Flirting. Fantasizing. Twirling language and stories of ourselves around in a tornado of openness and acceptance. It's been heavenly. To be so desired from such a distance and to genuinely desire her in kind. She is a sweet, gentle, passionate soul, full of curiosity and wonder for love.

As this began to unfold, I kept it to myself. The innocence at first, the getting-to-know-you stuff, seemed like nothing big enough to bother RC about, especially with the load of school work and work work she's been dealing with... on top of dealing with the scientist... and caring for her relationships with myself and Charlie. It was just emails, after all.

Then RC left for a weekend with Charlie. That weekend was a flurry of communication with J. We started to talk about spirituality and recognized the depth of one another. We talked about music, our families, our hopes and dreams. After we talked on the phone, I started to feel something deeper than just having connected with someone. I was starting to have feelings for someone I had/have never met. Which is a first, to be sure.

So when RC called me the next day (incidentally I had gone for a walk with the scientist that day as well), I told her I had met someone. She was light-hearted and fine with it. This was getting good. We continued with our flurry of emails and I was feeling such joy at the whole thing. I looked forward to each word like a gift from a friend.

By the time RC came home, I was chomping at the bit to share what I was going through, but somehow hesitant. Somehow ill at ease once she got in the car with me. I am absolutely horrible at hiding emotion and she picked up on it immediately. The thing is, she was struggling too. And wanting to share that with me. I'll let her make her own struggles public if she likes, but the moment was a bit tense. We eventually got around to talking things out and I told her of the depth of connection I felt I had made with J. She was mostly taken by the pace of things, and understandably so. I was/am too. It had been just over a week since first contact at this point.

Our conversations about it over the last couple days have been strained. Mostly because I feel trapped between wanting to let this new connection flourish at whatever pace feels good and holding RC's heart gently, not going beyond what she's comfortable with. What, for a moment, felt lively, free and full of wondrous possibility, now seems weighted.

So I pulled back a little. I told her today that I have to take a moment to take care of my family. Which is fine. But I think I've made it heavier than it needs to be. She replied with a heart felt message saying that she could feel the difficulty I am having and that she is pulling back as well, but still there and ready when I am.

RC tells me that I have this pattern. I get a taste of success and I run headlong into it, full bore, until I hit a wall. And I get it. I see that I do that. But I'm still sorting out the why. I do not want that to happen here. J is definitely a kindred soul and someone I want very much to have a spirited relationship with. I want to tread lightly with her. Make it good.

If you read this far. You are awesome.

[nycindie]

Wow!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with slowing down. I would say not to get too caught up in analyzing stuff a lot. Rather, just pay attention, like you have been, to what needs to be done and said, and be present with what is. Enjoy the here and now. And breathe.

It all sounds great!

[Catfish]

shitfuckquitmotherfuckingsmokingfuck!

I'm an alarmist sometimes. So when I freak out, which takes some doing, I really freak out. I suppose there are those who would consider my particular brand of freaking out fairly tame, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

I quit smoking on Monday. RC and Charlie promptly quit as well. We are all really good at smoking cigarettes and we look really fucking sexy doing it, but we have somehow managed to put them down. For good, I think. Images be damned.

I, personally, have been a giant mess of raw nerves. I think quitting at the end of a long weekend with Charlie here wasn't the best idea, but I set my date and did it regardless. Oddly enough, it hasn't been the craving for a smoke that has made me crazy. It's been jealousy. Fresh heaping mounds of the stuff. I have honestly felt like I was back at square one.

Things get better everyday though. And we are certainly doing this together.

[bella123456]

Congratulations to you all !

I'll stop in solidarity :)

[redpepper]

Wow, good luck with that. I had to do it slllllowly. I got down to one a day on the way home from work and then got pregnant. That was it for me. I can't do anything cold turkey. It makes me good at poly though I think because I build into things rather than do things right away. It doesn't make me all that good at on line friendships though because people don't get that it takes time for me.

Still the jealousy thing huh? I feel for you... What about the other thing? Last time we spoke on the phone is cost me $50 in long distance! Grrrr. My fault, I don't have many local minutes and didn't realize my calling card would be local. Have to figure stuff like that out. Anyway, chatting via email works, but isn't instant... Still I'm always up for it. *hugs* :)

[LovingRadiance]

Congrats on quitting.

I'm not wholly surprised to hear that the jealousy hit simultaneously. Everytime that Maca has tried to quit, the possessiveness and jealousy has reared it's head hard. :(

I commend you for struggling through it. :)

Keep up the great work!

[Catfish]

YODA: Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

ANAKIN: I won’t let my visions come true, Master Yoda.

YODA: Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

ANAKIN: What must I do, Master?

YODA: Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

[bella123456]

The force is strong in you young Padawan ! :)

[Catfish]

I feel really fucking lost and unable to cope with the jealousy I feel. If things continue this way... they can't continue this way. Not even one more day. Our six year anniversary is days away and I'm inches from moving out to get myself away from this situation. RC is as exhausted by all this as I am. All we ever seem to talk about is how horrible I feel at the thought of her with Charlie. I have felt like this forum, the one bastion of free speech we have in this crazy entanglement, is off limits to really say what I really feel. None of my resources, not my friends, not you lovely people, not my wife, not my therapist.... no one has been able to steer me in a direction that brings a lasting peace to my heart. I've done the diving. I've felt my feelings fully. I've done so much fucking work, but here I am. Paralyzed by it. Unable to love or feel loved. Unable to choose whether to stay or go. Devastated by the fact that I'm even considering going. Alone. Is there even a single soul out there who knows what this feels like? To feel like I've created my own demise? Encouraged my own fears to become reality? Fuck. I am not nearing the end of my rope. I'm there.

[MonoVCPHG]

There is no place dark enough for you to not see the friends who love you my friend. There is also no defeat to be found at the base of tremendous work. Regardless of all the external things that storm around you, your light as a true man will never be extinguished. You are your own pillar; the foundation of your strength resides in you. You need to be you...to trust that there is happiness ahead in the face of change. Nothing is lost because everything you need is right where you are...within the radiant person that I call friend.
I am always here as is our family. You are never without support.
Peace and love my friend
Not from Mono this time...from my true name
Dave

[bella123456]

I agree with Mono.

Chelsea.

[River]

Catfish,

My intuition says there is a deep wound in your heart that is not about the immediate situation at all, and that if you will bring the simplest, plainest, affection and tenderness to yourself precisely where that wound is that you will be liberated from it forever. That you say you cannot take it even a day longer means the time is ripe for you to love in yourself something that desperately needs it.

I have UTTER faith in your imminent victory. And I am utterly there with you, offering metta.

[nycindie]

Catfish, I just sent you an email (I hope you check it). I'm here if you wanna talk or write. Anytime!

[Catfish]

So much support. Thank you all for your outstretched hands, hearts and encouraging words. We are on the precipice of something here. Something big.

[NeonKaos]

It will be ok.

(I hope my husband isn't feeling bad about me and M...)

[redpepper]

Always here to bounce things off of. I don't know how useful that has been, but at least its another perspective. Stay true to yourself, that is the best and only path to your truth, however it seem to hurt and derail others. At least that is what I have learned. :)

[Catfish]

To Be Continued... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40)

Seriously though, go here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=87657#post87657).