New awareness in sexuality

[MonoVCPHG]

The purpose of this post is simply to acknowledge and share a personal discovery. It is about growth in understanding a part of who I am and excitement in the freedom it has given me.

I have spent a lot of years misinterpreting the role of sex in my relationships. For years I thought sex was just something I craved and couldn’t get enough of. I did not think there was something else I was looking for; my path to connection. Because of this I not only mis-communicated with my ex wife throughout my marriage but I also went down a terrible path leading to the break-up of my family.

It was not enough to simply try to analyse what sex brought and took away from my life even with professional help. I explored casual sex and found it empty and unfulfilling. It was not until really communicating about issues with Redpepper that I began to understand my sexuality and how connection has always been my goal and not sex.

It was through certain challenges with polyamory that I realized I needed connection before I could truly feel the intensity of sex and just how incredible it could be. I had experienced this in the past but was not mature or concerned enough to associate what I was feeling to what I was feeling! Redpepper and me have had some interesting talks and out of the blue something got said and my body had an immediate response….cover your ears men….impotence! Some topics or comments completely removed my physical ability to have sex, my body shut down.

It was in analysing these moments that I realized “connection” was my aphrodisiac, the core of my desire for someone, and in essence my nature’s viagra! When I am connected I am extremely drawn to someone sexually. When I experience something that triggers fear, a sense of threat or makes me feel inadequate my connection is severed in that moment. It is quick and noticeable. I can actually feel my energy withdraw; there is a very real physical sensation primarily in my face that washes over me. It is uncomfortable and is impossible to hide from Redpepper. My inability to get aroused is also quite recognizable LOL! Funny now..not then.

This new awareness has given me a feeling of control, happiness and understanding in my life and my relationships. It is great! I was initially disappointed in my non "man whoring" abilities. My friends were even disappointed that I settled into a deep relationship with one person after being married for so long. I am embracing my sexuality and the role of connection. I am proud of the way it works for me, non–judgemental towards how it works differently for others and feel like I truly can enjoy passion on a whole new level with Redpepper.

For me, connection is the path to passion. Passion is not the path to connection. Sounds obvious, but it took me 37 years and a lot of challenges and not so good lessons to figure it out.

This is a new awareness that I attribute at least partly to the openness required in a polyamorous relationship. Thanks again Redpepper..the gifts keep coming Lilo, you are incredible!


Take care every one, lots of love and happiness!:D

[redsirenn]

I totally agree with you on forming a connection with someone. This is what I find most fulfilling about any kind of relationship with people.

[XYZ123]

Than you. This sort of helps sum up my feelings of why I am poly and not into swinging. I am true bisexual and go into "man phase" and "woman phase" sexually, and always have. One sex does it for me and the other does nothing. But not when it comes to N. And not when it came to P. It didn't matter what I craved sexually, my mind, body, and soul always reacted to them passionately. I'm glad you shared this.

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm glad you shared this.

I'm glad someone found value in it :)

[redpepper]

I am true bisexual and go into "man phase" and "woman phase" sexually, and always have.

*sigh* yes I totally understand this.... :(
I miss women being in my life so much sometimes....
what to do.
I'm sure something will come up when I am good and ready for it and they are good and ready for me.

[MonoVCPHG]

WOW! The learning continues and my love keeps moving forward:)

I was engaged in a discussion about friends with benefits and was really disturbed by my reaction to many aspects of a more open approach to sex in relationships. When I think back to the last years of my marriage I don't think I would have had a problem with even the idea of swinging.

I asked myself why this was. I am sure it has to do with the loss of connection to my ex-wife. Because I had no intimate connection I didn't feel I had anything to loose. Now that I have this immense connection with Redpepper, I feel like I have something extremely important to loose. I know my commitment in our love and desired life long relationship hinges on the maintaining of my connection. It rests more on me than her.

I see threats and insecurities in sex positive environments such as the poly and kink communities. The idea of a free world, with lots of intimate love bonding is not my idea of utopia. I'm simply not wired to want it. I'm not worried about connecting with some one else, but that something will happen that will impact my connection with Redpepper. This isn't about some one taking away something from me, but is about something reducing my ability to maintain an intimate connection. I'm black or white..I'm intimately in or I'm out..that scares me and makes me defensive.

My fears are my own, my insecurities are identified and can be overcome, there is very little that can keep me from the life I want with Redpepper;)Now I know something else about myself sparked by this forum.:D



Redpepper,
As far as finding a worthy woman, I know you will find exactly what you are looking for....they will be blessed for sure:)

[redpepper]

I am assuming you are talking about finding a woman to share with mono? Otherwise it sounds like you are breaking up with me. I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life sooo... I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.

[MonoVCPHG]

I am assuming you are talking about finding a woman to share with mono?

I know that you are not threatened by women coming into my life sooo... I hope this is what you are talking about. My heart is in my throat over the thought of losing you over your realizations.

I am Lilo..no worries..keep that heart where it belongs, safely nestled in your beautiful chest and also joined with my own. My realizations will only strengthen my sense of security as well as allow me to have even more fun within our relationship and our social environments..this is a really positive thing:)

When I mention defensive I am referring to protecting my connection with you. At times I am more governed by preceived threats than what is actually going on.

You won't get rid of me that easy Gorgeous...I'm way to addicted to you:D

[NeonKaos]

...just wondering if you two knew about private messaging?

[redsirenn]

ok first -
You two are so sweet:o

And Mono - I totally understand how you feel. This makes me realize how broad the spectrum of relationships actually is. I definitely feel that I want more of an emotional connection with someone I have a sexual relationship with, but also feel I could have that with more than one person. However, I have been where you are too, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! My learning is expanding greatly as a realize how different we can all relate to people and how different relationships can be shaped to suit our desires and needs.

It's really funny to me that I never realized there was not only more than one way to have a romantic relationship, but several!
It is really quite eye-opening that this can be done with integrity and honesty.

And for everyone - let me add that I appreciate all of your honesty with this. It really helps me to see real people in this forum.

[foxflame88]

...just wondering if you two knew about private messaging?

((giggles)) but isn't it grand that they feel comfortable sharing so freely with all of us?

[MonoVCPHG]

((giggles)) but isn't it grand that they feel comfortable sharing so freely with all of us?

Hey!..what do you mean by sharing?:mad: HAHA!! I'm soooo mono :D

[NeonKaos]

((giggles)) but isn't it grand that they feel comfortable sharing so freely with all of us?


You got me there. Touche.

[redpepper]

I am not so open that I would want anyone to see our private messages Ygirl ;)

I am hoping that by our openness that someone will gain some kind of hope, support, encouragement and faith that things can work with a LOT of work.

I know it will bring negativity too. You can't be open and not be open to all of the range of positive and negative. Hence the reason my heart gets hurt sometime when people can't have compersion for me because of their own issues. So be it. I am who I am and will continue to be.

[Seasnail]

I am not so open that I would want anyone to see our private messages Ygirl ;)

I am hoping that by our openness that someone will gain some kind of hope, support, encouragement and faith that things can work with a LOT of work.

I know it will bring negativity too. You can't be open and not be open to all of the range of positive and negative. Hence the reason my heart gets hurt sometime when people can't have compersion for me because of their own issues. So be it. I am who I am and will continue to be.

I for one find much encouragement and faith that things can work out from the openness between Redpepper and Mono on these boards!

Thank you.

[LovingRadiance]

Wow-
I'm glad this one got brought to the forefront. I have the SAME feeling about sex. It's been such a struggle to explain why I just CAN NOT "get there" if I don't FEEL the connection. It seems to be a difficult concept for people. :(

Thanks for bringing this back to the top seasnail!

[Ceoli]

It's been such a struggle to explain why I just CAN NOT "get there" if I don't FEEL the connection. It seems to be a difficult concept for people. :(

Funny, I've generally found the opposite. I've often found the conversation go the opposite way. I've often heard people refer to casual sex as a "less evolved" form of sexual expression, or sometimes as a "step along the way to healthy 'real' sexual relationships". There is a lot of tacit judgement in such statements.

I find people often use such things to try to put their relationships on a higher plane than those around them. I'm not saying that this is happening here, I'm just noticing that dynamic come up when I've had similar conversations with others. And it's a conversation that usually tells me that is not a person I'm probably going to connect with- not because of our differing views on sexuality, but because of the general way their views carry such tacit judgement to those around them.

[redpepper]

Funny, I've generally found the opposite. I've often found the conversation go the opposite way. I've often heard people refer to casual sex as a "less evolved" form of sexual expression, or sometimes as a "step along the way to healthy 'real' sexual relationships". There is a lot of tacit judgement in such statements.

I agree there is some judgement in that, if they are really saying they think others are less evolved... I know I have seen casual sex as a stepping stone to more evolved sex,,, for me. Except when I forced myself to have casual sex, that was damaging myself.

I hope that when people hear me say how wonderful sex is for me now they can have appreciation for my journey. My journey, my experience and my joy within it. Not see it as my thinking I am better for it.

I find people often use such things to try to put their relationships on a higher plane than those around them. I'm not saying that this is happening here, I'm just noticing that dynamic come up when I've had similar conversations with others. And it's a conversation that usually tells me that is not a person I'm probably going to connect with- not because of our differing views on sexuality, but because of the general way their views carry such tacit judgement to those around them.

I think perhaps people put themselves on a higher plane because it can be a spiritual experience. People get passionate about their experiences, that has brought them to another level... and want others to understand and be happy for them. They want to find like minds... of course some people are disrespectful that others might not feel like that, or understand that.

Similarly I have conversations with people who prefer casual sex that they see as more fun and and less binding,,, a good way to have good friendships... I totally get that, but that also can be judgemental.

[Ceoli]

I think perhaps people put themselves on a higher plane because it can be a spiritual experience. People get passionate about their experiences, that has brought them to another level... and want others to understand and be happy for them. They want to find like minds... of course some people are disrespectful that others might not feel like that, or understand that.

Or they may not be comfortable with the fact that people can and do have spiritual experiences within the context of casual sex as well. They may have a vision and definition of what casual sex is and have a hard time seeing that there can indeed be some deep and spiritual forms of sexual expression in what is commonly referred to as casual sex.

[redpepper]

True enough ceoli. I personally don't like to assume that people are judging at all.

[Ceoli]

True enough ceoli. I personally don't like to assume that people are judging at all.

I generally don't make such assumptions. But it has shown itself to be evident in conversations I've had, where it can be pretty easy to glean from the tone and the body language whether or not a person is judging. Plus I'm pretty direct in my communication about such things. If I perceive judgements, I'll call it out as just that: my perception. The ensuing conversations will usually reveal the truth behind such perceptions.

[redpepper]

Ya, I know those conversations too. I have been trying to avoid them entirely. I don't see any solution.

[Ceoli]

Ya, I know those conversations too. I have been trying to avoid them entirely. I don't see any solution.

When you're working in sexuality education, it's a hard conversation to avoid. :)

[redpepper]

I see how it would be. It seems to be topic of the month around these here parts. I take my moments when I can. I need some balance.

[GroundedSpirit]

I am true bisexual and go into "man phase" and "woman phase" sexually, and always have. One sex does it for me and the other does nothing.

I like this. Because I think it exposes some hidden wisdom that maybe doesn't really get discussed ? Or maybe discussed enough.

I think everyone goes through various 'phases' in their life - not only with sexuality. And I think it's not really identified as such sometimes, which can lead to confusion & misunderstanding. Some people I think tend to latch on to that current 'phase' as some definition of who they are or what they believe and want to just dispose of any/every thing else.

Every time I see a lot of these conversations taking place about sexuality I see it as just our growing, learning & understanding of where sexuality fits into our lives. Our views and approach are very much phase related.
And I always drift back to the thought of "wouldn't it have been wonderful if much of this knowledge had been made available to us when we were 13 or 14 years old ?". Not encouraged but simply explained. We wouldn't have had to spend such enormous chunks of our lives stumbling around, making all these 'new' discoveries, figuring out what they mean to us. Making some sometimes serious mistakes. We'd have been more in a position of hitting those points of "Oh - I remember someone telling me about this once - now here it is"

And I think even as we learn where all this fits best within us we will continue to experience 'phases' keyed by our moods that are derived by what's happening in our life overall. I just feel it's wiser and more healthy to understand that phase relationship rather than to continually feel we have redefined ourselves and now need to throw out all we have learned and experienced before. You never know when another phase may come around that finds that old experience valuable.

If that makes any sense lol

GS

[classycaveman]

There have been a couple times I've found myself excitedly getting into bed with gorgeous women... and suddenly being turned off by a certain lack of emotion on her part. In one case I didn't know what it was and she took it personally and started crying, which somehow put me back in the mood because she was being open with me. (I felt like a pervert because of it but I got over that pretty quick ;)) The other time it was a girl I'd been friends with for years and we were drunk on New Year's Eve. We started making out, and there was a shift in her mood, like I'd gone from being a friend to a one-night partner. I told her I needed more connection or emotion or something, I forget... (like I said, drunk. I'm pretty straight and ended up making out with a guy to turn her on.) ...and she tuned in and it was all good.

I love sex, even pretty casual sex, but there has to be some sort of emotional openness or I can't get it up. She has to want to be there in body, mind and heart, even if it's only for one night.

That's me.

[MonoVCPHG]

That's me.


And that is cool :)