How do you acheive compersion?

[vandalin]

Being new to the Poly lifestyle and ideas, although they seem to be coming rather naturally to me, I was curious how everyone deals with and achieves compersion, besides communication that is. Communication is the cornerstone in all relationships but even more so in poly and open relationships. But sometimes you can talk to a person until they are blue in the face and they have yet to understand what you are saying and meaning.

So how do you or your S.O.'s achieve compersion?

*I hope this makes sense*

[foxflame88]

For me personally, I didn't have to "achieve" compersion.... it just IS for me. Compersion actually comes as easily to me as breathing.

[Sunshinegrl]

I feel Alot like Alli.. It comes naturally. I love the fact that those I love and desire also love and desire each other. I feel a complete forfilment.

[vandalin]

Thanks for the replies.

Ok, let me add on... I know that for some it comes naturally. I feel for me it might although it hasn't come up yet. But how about those who it doesn't come naturally for? Say the S.O. who agrees to open their relationship up but not partake in the "openness". They need to "find" compersion and although we'd love to believe that it comes as easily as "I want you to be happy" would, it probably doesn't.

So was it just as easy for your partner(s) to feel compersion? For the non-poly side of a poly relation, does it just "come naturally" or did you have to work on it and if so, anything in particular that helped you/them?

[tigrrrlily]

What's compersion, please?

[Mark1npt]

Compersion is not an issue for me. Earlier in life it may have been, but at this stage whatever pleases my spouse is fine with me. But then again, I'm more easily the poly one in the house! My mono wife was unaware of the word and it's meaning til I recently gave her info on it. A book is also on the way to her, too!

To strictly trained, society molded monogomists, tight control over one's spouse is very ingrained. My wife has always given me the freedom in our life together, to make decisions, undertake challenges, travel extensively and live freely, within the confines of our marriage (monogomy), knowing she was completely secure in her place. Going poly however, has really challenged her. I am hopeful that as we discuss the topic of compersion (living with my other love in this "V" with her secure) that she will be able to experience this 3 way love in the same way, that she has with other topics at other times in our marriage. She really wants me to be happy. I want to be happy. Our 3rd loves seeing both of us happy and we complete her life. It should be a "win-win-win" for everybody. I hope so.

[vandalin]

What's compersion, please?

According to http://www.lovemore.com/terms.html

Compersion n 1: taking joy or pleasure in someone else’s joy, pleasure or happiness 2: feeling joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's.

[NeonKaos]

I don't know if this is compersion or not, but I sort of wish that my husband would "experience" more relationships of an intimate nature because I'm the only really serious relationship he has had so far. Maybe he is more like Mono and he doesn't want to be with anyone else besides me... so I wouldn't want him to do that unless it's what he wants for himself.

[vandalin]

YGirl: I think compersion would be when you are happy whether or not he is having other relationships, as long as he is happy. Also it might depend on the type of relationships you have/share. Compersion would be when he is happy when you are happily with someone else and he is ok with it or vice versa. So the last part of your post would fit well with compersion.

Of course, please tell me if I'm getting this wrong. I am new to the concept.

[NeonKaos]

It sounds right; it's a new vocabulary word for me too.

My husband and I have an eerily effortless relationship and sometimes I take that for granted. The rest of the time, it's like, "if it ain't broken, why break it just so you can fix it".

[Mark1npt]

YGirl, you stated it and you're playing it right. He may already be in complete compersion with you and your other lover. He may be accepting and happy for you, but he may, like Mono or my wife, have no desire or inner need to explore any further in an intimate relationship, with anyone else other than what he has with you. It's what works for him....and apparently it's worked ok for you, too. That's great.

[NeonKaos]

Well... I don't have an "other lover" (just so we're all clear on that point). I re-met someone and "fell in love" but we saw each other twice and held hands and spent the night together but we didn't even kiss or get naked. The "other guy" couldn't deal with the concept of "sharing" someone in this context, so eventually he decided that he "needs space" so we haven't had contact for a couple of months, which is longer than the time we were speaking after 21 years of nothing. But I digress.

Not to make this thread all about ME, but I have been struggling more with this "compersion" and "empathy" with respect to the "other guy" than with respect to my husband. However, it's a good thing over all because if one of us ever falls in love with someone else again we'll be somewhat prepared to deal with it, and it doesn't mean we'll have to choose one over the other.

Edit:

I notice 2 types of "married" people here: one, those who have a challenge integrating poly with their existing relationship, and two, those whose "other" relationship is challenged by their existing one.

This isn't a sweeping generalization; it's more like a fun thing, what I just wrote. I'm not trying to judge or pigeon-hole any "married" folks here or elsewhere.

[Mark1npt]

YGirl, I'm sorry I didn't clarify, I was speaking in generalities and not regarding your current situation. Anywho, I guess it can be said that the guy you "re-met" and fell in love with had no compersion at all. Compersion should be about accepting the situation we are in....and....enjoying it, for our sake, for our partner's sake. I would rather have half of my wife in my life than not have her at all. I would hope that she would feel the same way about me.:)

[NeonKaos]

Well, I cut my "other" guy some slack on not having compersion... Maybe he just didn't feel the same way toward me. That, and the fact that he wants kids and someone he can bring home to his conservative uptight parents... We'll just leave it at that, shall we.

[redpepper]

I feel for me it might although it hasn't come up yet. But how about those who it doesn't come naturally for? Say the S.O. who agrees to open their relationship up but not partake in the "openness". They need to "find" compersion and although we'd love to believe that it comes as easily as "I want you to be happy" would, it probably doesn't.

So was it just as easy for your partner(s) to feel compersion? For the non-poly side of a poly relation, does it just "come naturally" or did you have to work on it and if so, anything in particular that helped you/them?

I hate to say it it but I suck at compersion when it comes to my husband and the others he has had. They are never good enough for me and I often feel very certain that he needs no one else but me, so why is he looking. His success has not been good when it comes to women that are actually capable and willing to love him as much as he expects and he often ends up hurt and disillusioned. Perhaps this has something to do with my hesitancy to be happy for him?

Maybe I am not very good at not being jealous? In fact this fits better for me. Jealousy indicates that there is something a miss in my life and I need to get in touch with what that might be fast before I go crazy.

My husband is incredible with his compersion. He has put up with so much in me. I am somewhat of a free spirit and have had many adventures that other men would simply not put up with... he has struggled but has always known that the freedom he gives me keeps me loving him and staying in our relationship. In being happy that I am living my life to the fullest he is gaining his own happiness and living his life to the fullest as I am able to offer him what he needs.

[Mark1npt]

Redpepper, it sounds like you're a little protective of your hubby and his feelings! I get the message my wife is worried about me being hurt, too, should things ever go south with my other life-love. It's wonderful that we have such loving concerned spouses. We are indeed lucky. Am surprised to hear yourself be so critical of your own compersion abilities though. I bet you really are better at it than you think.:)

[vandalin]

he has struggled but has always known that the freedom he gives me keeps me loving him and staying in our relationship. In being happy that I am living my life to the fullest he is gaining his own happiness and living his life to the fullest as I am able to offer him what he needs.

I think this is the kind of idea and info I was for. How or what does it take for one to achieve the feeling of compersion.

I also happen to be lucky with my spouse. He has been doing everything in his power to find compersion, but I have a feeling until something happens between my friend and myself (or some other guy if that is the case) then he will always have that slight feeling of "what if she doesn't come back". But he also is afraid of me being hurt, as I have been already, but I don't think that means he can't be happy for me at the same time.

Question: If I am happy for a friend because they are "in love" but not really happy with their choice (not being me for example), is it still compersion as I am truly happy for their happiness?

[redpepper]

we talked about this in depth tonight, my husband and I.... Mono was playing with our boy, a nice treat for us as it is hard to talk when he is around.... I asked him what makes him so good at it and I not. He disagreed that I wasn't good at it, just that I saw something in the choice he made with a woman he dated recently and I turned out to be right that is it was a bad match. He also agreed that he wasn't very communicative about what was happening and wasn't telling me what I needed to here, that is that he was in no way interested in her as a replacement of me and that he loved me....

The biggest question answered for me was that he is able to have deep compersion when he has a strong self esteem. He said there is no need to be jealous when he is doing what he wants in life and fulfilling his own dreams. His dreams include my happiness and a common goal in finding people in our lives that seek out similar ideas of poly. I'm sure that helps, but really, he also has the goal of us staying together and really believes that we will. We had a battle this winter that came to a head one day and it was a matter of deciding if we would move forward together or not... that moment of deciding to stay together pushed us off to new depth in our relationship and made us feel stronger so that we could move forward into getting what we need out of life. In essence, these pivotal moments of realization make my love stronger and bring me to a state of energy that is the like of a new relationship, even after 8 years of marriage. I am getting off topic... sorry :rolleyes:

He is able to go and do his own thing and be happy I am doing mine. At the end of the day we come home and wrap up our day with the news that we are getting out of this life everything we want. We don't own each other, but live side by side in our relationship and in our love. This seems to help our compersion greatly in all areas of our lives.

Please remember that I don't push him either. I realize there is only so much he can take before becoming fearful and losing that self esteem. I know that if I am constant with showing him how much I love him in a way that he understands and makes him feel loved (anyone read "the five love languages?"), then he will have no need to fall into jealousy and doubt because I have given him no reason to.

[MonoVCPHG]

I recently spoke with someone who stated they have never felt intimate jealousy of another partner's relationships. At first I thought, "wow! Sign me up for that!" Can you imagine never feeling jealous and just being able to watch someone you love enjoy other loves without any feeling besides happiness? Could it get any better?! Maybe not..but it could get worse.

Imagine being with a partner who couldn't understand you're feelings because they had never experienced them. Imagine trying to communicate a very real concern that affects your reality to someone who can only approach it from the description of a feeling in a book. Imagine how hard it would be for them to rationalize how anything they did could affect you so intensely. You can't truly understand an emotion until you experience it.

It is like going to a funeral and saying "I know how you feel" to the widow without ever having lost your spouse. You wouldn't really know what they are feeling. You could feel bad for them, but you wouldn't be able to feel like them.

If you are a person who has felt jealousy be thankful. Now you can truly say "I know how you feel" and govern your actions based on your own experiences.

Compersion is great...it's even harder to explain than jealousy because it goes against so much of our conditioning and in some cases our nature.

Mine is derived from my traditional programming to respect primary relationships such as marriage. That is why it was total and immediate for me towards her relationship with her husband. That is why it is solid but less complete towards her secondary who has a long standing relationship with both of them on a less frequent and integrated level, and that is why it is currently unfathomable when considering the idea of her bringing another intimate man into our lives.

Why would I have compersion for the inclusion of a woman into our lives?..because I understand that no number of men can give the uniqueness that a woman can provide both physically and in the associated energy.

There is no magic bullet for compersion...everyone must find their own way to achieve it.

Best of luck and lots of love to everyone:D

[vandalin]

Thanks for the replies all. They have given me some food for thought.

It sounds like my "Elric" is similar in idea to you Mono as one of his main objections for starting a relationship with me has been that he was afraid of causing trouble in "Cajun" and my marriage. That "Cajun" told me to ask him on a date is probably the biggest reason, if not the only reason, he accepted. "Elric" seems to have compersion to the point of being happy for me in my marriage, but is still caught up in the conditioning that he is not allowed to share or be a part of my happiness...but only time will tell if it is conditioning or nature...I hope it's not nature, that would be so depressing.

[MonoVCPHG]

"Elric" seems to have compersion to the point of being happy for me in my marriage, but is still caught up in the conditioning that he is not allowed to share or be a part of my happiness.


Do you mean he doesn't feel he can be a full part of the relationship between you two or he feels he would be taking something away from it? You should be happy he is so respectful of your relationship. If he does manage to open up you will get a very caring partner in my opinion. Is he monogamous in nature like me?

Take care

[vandalin]

He is not sure he can be a part of a poly relationship. He, as he puts it, has had problems with jealousy in past relationships. I feel that if he can talk about it, we can really figure out if this is something he can do and is just afraid, or something that just isn't part of him. He is truly happy that I am happy in my marriage though and is even accepting that I am poly.

When poly was first brought up and a relationship was proposed, he was very interested in learning more and even trying to date and see where it led. Then "something" happened. He says that after meditating and thinking, he "can't picture himself in a polyamourous relationship." But he then admits that things can and may change. He says that what I offer would be ideal, but he's not sure if he can be a "poly-husband" and I think that covers boyfriend as well.

He is sexually monogamous in nature, although as he admits to being in love with me for all of these years, including through his marriage, he knows that he can love more than one person at a time and he knows that polyamory is actually possible and not just an excuse for multiple partners.

I am very happy and lucky that he is so respectful of my marriage relationship. He has never met my husband (that changes this weekend) but he still holds him in very high respect. I know that if he does open himself up to what we are offering, that I will be a very very lucky woman on both halves...with a lot of work cut out ahead of me. ;)

I suppose I could ask how you, Mono, got past the conditioning of "it's wrong to be with someone who is married to someone else, you will only cause harm" if that was an issue for you. That's what I mean by him still being caught up in the conditioning. I'm hoping that meeting my husband and hopefully having a word or two from hubby, as we won't be in a private setting, will help him see that, "maybe this can work...I'm not hurting their relationship." If that is not the case, then I'm going to probably have some pieces to pick up from my broken heart. :( But I've done it before, I'm sure I can do it again, and this time I will have the wonderful support of my husband to help me get through.

[MonoVCPHG]

At first I simply had to meet Redpepper's husband. You are on the right path!

That was the moment I knew it was possible. In seeing them together I knew they had an immense love. That enabled me to open up. I trust that people speak the truth and have been opened up to a world of love and chosen family. I would have walked away otherwise. Even now Redpepper knows I will pull back from this to better her primary family, she doesn't understand how I can deny that aspect of love for her but knows it is true. I have never loved someone so much that I would sacrifice everything else simply to maintain her friendship.

Her husband and me have also had talks where I expressed my concern over hurting his relationship and we reaffirmed each other in our commitment to the health of everyone involved.

Spend casual time together as a group and get to know each other. This won't work unless they are very good friends in my opinion.

Are there other men involved? This is a huge aspect that he may not want to discuss for fear of sounding possessive. That was always more my concern for sure...that is where jealousy would rear it's destructive head for sure!

Take care

[vandalin]

Thank you Mono for your reply and honesty.

Starting from the end and working up, There are no other men involved. If it weren't for "Elric" I probably would not have even looked at this aspect of myself. He is the first person I have ever had feeling of more than friendship for as long as I have been with my husband. And although one cannot tell the future for certain, I don't think I would want anyone else in our lives. I feel that I would be happy with a V relationship as both my men have given all signs of being sexually monogamous.

We do want to spend casual time together, although it is difficult as we live 400 miles apart and weekends are short. Perhaps if this coming weekend works out well and "Elric" and I decide to try and see if this might work, my husband and I can take a weekend away and visit him again. It is easier for us to travel than for him. That would be the only way we could have any privacy to discuss and get the men to know each other at all.

(I hate starting a sentance like this but...) I will be honest, there are other details on his side that I am leaving out that do have some effect on his decision. These details make it even more important for us to take it slowly but do not make it impossible for a relationship.

[MonoVCPHG]

I will be honest, there are other details on his side that I am leaving out that do have some effect on his decision. These details make it even more important for us to take it slowly but do not make it impossible for a relationship.


That reads as "there is somebody else involved who doesn't know".

[vandalin]

Not exactly, without to much detail, a soon to be ex-wife who wants full custody.

edit* They've been separated for over a year.

[MonoVCPHG]

In that case discretion is the better part of valour. I understand.

[Nyx]

I am relieved to see that there are still some issues of jealousy among people who are poly, that it IS something that can be worked on - me NOT being poly, my bf is, I have had major struggles with feeling so hurt and jealous of his other ladies, I thought maybe there was just something wrong and immature with me.

Myself having not been with anyone else while I've been with him, he states that he is not jealous at all but that hasn't been put into practice yet. He has told me of other relationships he has been in in the past where the only thing that bothered him about a gf dating someone else was when they started to spend more and more time with another guy and eventually went mono with them, thus breaking up with him. I find it hard to believe that he is totally unjealous (or is it non-jealous?), but perhaps he really is.

This compersion thing seems to be a very enlightened, happy place to be in and I hope that one day I can achieve it (or something close to). At this point, I am far, far down on the bottom rung of that accomplishment. On the positive side, I have nowhere to go but up.

[redsirenn]

I have not ever felt jealous in relationships I have been in. However, I also have never been in a polyamorous relationship, so it is hard for me to tell how I will feel when ouroboros gets romantically or sexually involved with someone else.

What I think about is how love is freeing... for yourself and for the person whom you have feelings for. I think about how I would want to be treated and how I would want someone else to feel for me and show this through supporting me in my endeavors so long as they are healthy and beneficial to my life and thiers. Then I try to treat them in this way...

It is easier said than done, that is for sure!!!

[MonoVCPHG]

Imagine being with a partner who couldn't understand you're feelings because they had never experienced them. Imagine trying to communicate a very real concern that affects your reality to someone who can only approach it from the description of a feeling in a book. Imagine how hard it would be for them to rationalize how anything they did could affect you so intensely. You can't truly understand an emotion until you experience it.

D

This would be my concern with a person incapable of jealousy or who hasn't felt it before. Jealousy is normal, human, and manageable. It is as real and valuable as any other emotion; being able to direct it is the key, similar to utilizing fear positively.

[redsirenn]

Mono - That is so true.
I have been in that situation before - not understanding how someone could be jealous when they were feeling so.

How do you think that gap in understanding could be bridged? Would you (not you specifically) want someone to feel jealousy in order to understand the emotion?

And - I take back that I have never felt it. That isn't true. It is more like it is an emotional response that I always manage to talk myself out of fairly quickly. So, it is more of a misunderstanding of why the jealous feelings persist, not that they come up at all.

[MonoVCPHG]

Would you (not you specifically) want someone to feel jealousy in order to understand the emotion?

.

Yes I would want someone to feel it. I also would want them to feel extreme love if they haven't. Emotions are human and normal; reaction is where we have a tendency to screw up.

It's like being afraid and choosing to cover your head instead of using the increased mental alertness to look for danger or a safe exit.

This is also about approaching jealousy and adversity in general as challenges vice threats. Challenges propel us forward; threats prepare us for war and close us off.

I am no expert in dealing with jealousy. I suffered from horrible jealousy in this relationship and with others. It's my reaction that enabled me to find a solution and not push away from what I loved. If Redpepper wasn't a natural selection soul mate for me I would never have survived.

If the relationship is strong and based on the connection two people have it can overcome a lot IMO. If it is based on a desire to maintain the status quo or possessions than it will fail.

[curlyQhoopDidoo]

hello friends (:

I was hoping to hear about your experiences with sympathetic joy, self identity, and your struggles as you embark on different adventures.

What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?

To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.

Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes? What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?

Thanks! Can't wait to hear from you guys

(: (: curlyqhooper

[curlyQhoopDidoo]

i know that was a lot of questions...but anything that comes to mind or that you feel like sharing is appreciated

[redpepper]

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?"Compersion" or as you are referring to it, "sympathetic joy" is difficult to achieve, but for me it doesn't have to do with attachment in the sense of co-dependence. I am very attached to my partners and am very grateful that they are in my lives and attached to me. Attached does not mean unable to move, live, make a decision, have my own path, have my own thoughts, feelings, adventures, dreams of the future.... and, have my own connection to myself as primary. I am first for sure, but I can't go about life alone. I need a mirror to reflect back in other people I trust and confide in. That is healthy attachment to me.

So often I think people think that they have to abandon all attachment in order to be successful in poly, in compersion, in a successful relationship life at all. Commitment and attachment are very important... I believe in "attachment theory" in raising my child (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory, http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm) and believe in it for my own life. We are social creatures and need each other in order to be healthy. I chose who I want to be with to be healthy and work hard at keeping those relationships strong.

I think that when someone is jealous it is from a place of fear of losing someone's attention because they are overly dependant on the person that is seemingly moving away from them. It's not a marker of being overly attached so much as an indication of imbalance. Of not creating and finding within what is missing and depending unhealthily on another to "give" a sense of purpose and belonging.

There are a lot of people with a huge sense that they will be "hurt" by others and therefore should stay detached and distant from them. I find more and more that on-line life creates this for people. It is a false sense of safety that occurs on-line. Real relationships becomes overwhelmingly unsafe in appearance because the person is not capable or convinced that people are unsafe (I'm talking extremes here, but I have seen and heard of extremes).

The thing is, if I am safe to be close to and attached to, then shouldn't other people be just as safe? If I feel that I am a good person to trust, then aren't others? These are the questions that I ask myself... sometimes people turn out to be not trustworthy with my heart, sure, yet I push forward and find others to trust... and have!

The world is huge, there are others out there... finding them and trusting is all I have I reckon. Vulnerability is a huge part of that. I make myself vulnerable enough to attach and commit to others. They do to me.

I am not possessive, but I find that I have never really said good bye to anyone I have loved. They are always in my heart and send that love to them always... we are all connected, as I said before. That might sound flakey, but I really believe that more than ever we need each other.

We need to commit to each others well being and we need to be attached enough to be able to experience empathy/compassion... otherwise, I think we are all fucked; wars will go on, children will be abused, animals mistreated, elderly blown off, blah, blah,blah... everyone, at some point will be in pain simply because no one has stood up for them and loved them because they were too busy looking after number one and not paying attention. To love others is to love oneself. This means evolving our empathy by involving ourselves in others I think.

[BlackUnicorn]

For me, I've felt at least these types of compersion;

1) I have had sex with someone who really knew how to do it. We had fun times but there is someone I heavily suspect they would be even more compatible with. I love this person, I want them to experience the fullness of joy, also of sexual joy. I know that the person I've had sex with is interested in my other love. So to me, it seems natural to try to make sure that they at least consider the possibility of getting it on (without me).

2) I see someone treating their loved ones with respect and love. They want to share their loves with me, not because they are afraid that the relationship would end otherwise or because they want to get their own jollies out of it. They are just good at sharing, like someone who has enough to get by themselves might want to share from their good fortune to others less well-to-do. They understand the philosophy behind it. So compersion tinged with gratefulness and admiration.

3) I am with someone and thoroughly enjoying my self. For some reason, there is something I can't fully give to this other person - something they can do without, an interest perhaps that I don't share. I would encourage them to the best of my ability to seek out someone who shares that interest with them. A good example, like Mono pointed out, would be me dating a bisexual and wanting them to find a male partner as well.

So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.

[Tonberry]

So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.

I had never thought of it, but there IS a bit of that, isn't there? "My boyfriend is so awesome, please, people come and see for yourself!". It's like when you love a book so much that you want everyone else to read it.

For me, it's mostly the other way around: I want my boyfriend to be happy, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm always the one who achieves it as long as I'm making him happy some of the time at least. But you can't reasonably be the only person making someone happy. There will be friends, family and complete strangers doing it.

I haven't really experiences jealousy in my romantic relationships because I was always so sure of how much I was loved. Nothing was a threat to that. However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.

[LovingRadiance]

What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?I think it's an admirable quality to foster in oneself.

To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.It's easiest if you A) are ensuring your own needs are met & B) you are committed to not being self-centered.

Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes? absolutely. If you have an unmet need, have failed to address your internal fears, if you are "under the weather" (which means you have an unmet need), if you are focused on your own gratification, if you are addicted to instant gratification.

What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?Depends on what's going on. One time I sent my metamour a loving, affectionate letter. She wrote back how much it meant to her that I shared my husband with her and that reply sent me to highs of self-appreciation that killed the insecurity that was driving my bout of jealousy.

At other times I've simply asked my partner for a hug or kiss and told them I'm feeling insecure (because generally jealousy is triggered by insecurity) or missing our time together (because envy is generally triggered by a lack of having what someone else is having). That almost always solves the issue.

In an ideal (poly)world, I'd spend a few extra minutes with my significant other with them reassuring me by their willingness to give me a few extra minutes; and then I'd plan a "friendly date" (not romantic-no need to compete) with my metamour in the week ahead.
I find that creating a friendly bond with the metamour makes them a REAL person and that alleviates the sense of them being a "threat". Also, if I can be friends with them and can talk and hang out with them comfortably on my own, that increases their understanding of my quirks (like I get all emotional just before my period) and my understanding of theirs (like they need their lover more often the week before theirs).

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings. I think it's critical to know what your definition of attachment is in order to address this. For me attachment is a critical part of a relationship, but being attached to someone is not the same to me as being possessive of them. In order to remain in a deep, meaningful place in a relationship, I need quality time and emotional connection with my S.O.

But, I don't need them to share quality time with ONLY me and have an emotional connection with ONLY me. In fact, that would be creepy. I think that the emotional connection that one has with a lover is related to the emotional connection one has with any other person; different depth maybe, but same concept. I would never want someone to give up their emotional connections with the rest of their loved ones for me; it follows logically for me that if I can share a deep, meaningful, emotional connection with them while they have so many emotional connections to others, then I can share an emotional connection with them while they have another deep, meaningful, emotional connection with another lover.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?No. I already was no possessive of my loves. I'm not accepting of the idea that we will all have to say goodbye to one another. Saying goodbye is a choice, we can make it, or not.

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?Yes.

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas? Aside from dealing with Maca, very few. The people I surround myself with (mostly mono) are open to accepting that we're all different. That has made it very easy to be "different" because in one way or another, we all are.

On the other hand, I've encountered a number of judgmental and hostile people in the "poly community". Which I find ironic and bizarre.


Has it been worth it? Yes.

What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?I wouldn't waste my breath. It's impossible to teach anyone who isn't open to learning and a closed minded person isn't open. However, to a person who was open to learning but inexperienced or fearful, I would tell them of all the positive lessons I've learned.

[BlackUnicorn]

However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.

This! I've had intense friendship jealousy. Slowly working towards increased compersion in close friendships too. I always try to ask Flattie when she is going to see her friends next to show my support (I hope) for her other friendships.