Help... Am I nuts???

[midwestmama]

I've been reading on here for awhile but until today I haven't been able to register. So... Here is my built-up, pent-in confusion.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We met when I was married to my first husband and became friends. Nothing more. My husband died and I started dating this husband a year later. About 3 years ago we began swinging and for the most part it has been a positive experience. Most of our friends are also swingers. We feel very comfortable in the lifestyle, though we don't swing often.

2 years ago we met a couple in person that I had been friends with the wife online for awhile through a swinging site. We met up with them @ multiple events, without playing. After a year my husband and that wife had sex together. No problem. (We all agreed in advance). I spoke with the wife and husband often. I am very social, my husband barely speaks to me... He does not communicate with others. He's an engineer if that explains him. :) In Feb of last year I realized I had feelings for the husband. However, I told myself I was silly, I couldn't have feelings for him. We continued to talk often. His wife is poly and my husband said he'd NEVER be ok if I was poly. Oh shit.

Well, I'm here on a poly site, so you can predict where this is going. in July the other husband and I both admitted we love each other. Both of our spouses know too. Mine said I could no longer speak to him. So I stopped. Then he said he could tell how hard it was on me, and if I kept him in the loop, he'd deal. Several times after that, he'd struggle with it. We spent the weekend @ the other couples house, just to be friendly, no sex. My husband tried hard to control things, like how much & often I could talk to him, what we could talk about, etc... (He lives several hours away so seeing him wasn't an option anyways). My husband would take my phone and read it when I set it down without asking. He changed the settings to record conversations I had with the other man without telling me. Etc... I finally said in a long letter to him basically, this man is my boyfriend and I love him. But I can't handle it if means that you treat me like I'm less of a person because of it. Either your ok with it, or you're not. But I can't go back and forth like this. BUT... If you say I can be with him you can't take it back again. It will hurt too much.

He thought about it for hours. He decided that it made me happier than it bothered him. Over the next few weeks things were going so well. He said things were getting better for him. I finally relaxed, let go, and freely fell deeper in love with the other husband.

A few weeks later... Out of the blue my husband starts sobbing, said this was killing him, and I could never talk to the other man again if I wanted to stay married. That was a month ago. I cut things off immediately with the other man.

I still miss him and want to talk to him so much. I'm bitter and distrustful of my husband. He had told me many times over that he'd never say I couldn't be friends to that man, even when he'd say we couldn't have sex.

My husband has not softened this stance. I am not begging him to, I have self respect. However, I've tried to talk with him about how I feel like I am pretending now to be someone I am not. He said I can be poly, just not ACT on it. ???

I had never heard of poly before this relationship, but it explains a lot to me about my past.

So... That was long and drawn out but I want to include everything that may be relevant.

We have other friends that are poly and they have a friend who is a therapist. He said he would be open minded about poly so we are going to go to him probably. But I am terrified he'll just say that I was cheating and how to heal from it.

Where do I go from here? How do I un-poly myself or transform him? (By the way, he has said before about how he thought this friend of ours could be his girlfriend...)

Thanks in advance. I apologize for any typos. I only can type from my phone.

[redpepper]

your husband is acting out of the mindset that comes with swinging... DON'T FALL IN LOVE DAMN IT! BAD BAD BAD! swinging is very monogamy based.. There is a lot of control of emotions and while there are no sexual boundaries. There is a lot of emotional, ownership, and control boundaries... poly is much different.

Swinging is awesome if you want to have a loving couple relationship and have lots of fun times having sex with others. It really works for some people and is a huge benefit to the "couple" relationship... some people just are not able to control themselves emotionally after a time and, tadum... fall in love, start caring for someone and start wanting more than just sex. This seems to be where you are, yet your husband is not.

The transformation between mono and poly is a huge one. It's a 180 degree change of view on how relationships are conducted and some people just can't make that change or refuse to. That is just who they are and their right. The thing is that the person needing the change is often left hanging and in limbo for ages and ages until a change happens or the relationship ends. How long that lasts is up to you... if you leave it, you could end up depressed, angry, bitter and resentful... without love for anyone, anything or the desire to love. Someone controlling you will do that in my belief.

You could leave and find like minded people to befriend and date, and leave your relationship behind. You could also keep at it and not let down for a moment that you are ready to do what it takes to ensure he doesn't feel threatened by other loves, that he has enough time with you and to prove that this is really going to be a more heightened connection, bond, loving and fulfilled relationship if you and he do what it takes to stay together... Really, you can't deny that this will be make or break time sooner or later... if not because of this man, then someone else.

Has he read here? Maybe that would be a start. Maybe seeking out a local poly group to go to... maybe the therapist will help... whatever works to move the two of you forward... even if you stick to the agreement that you don't talk to this other man, but work on your relationship instead... all is negotiable and will work if he is open to it and ready... the big thing is that love is timeless. There is lots of time and no rush. When the time is right and everyone is ready, then someone new in a relationship dynamic becomes a blessing and a gift. Preparing is the only way to get there...

[Magdlyn]

Swinging is playing with fire. I don't get how people do it. Sex leads to bonding for me, love follows often...

I think biologically, and generally speaking, men are more able to separate sex from love. I think a lot of swingers deny fond feelings for their steady sex partners to keep their marriages intact. But what do you do when those feelings become too strong to deny??? Then you realize you're poly as well as, or instead of, a swinger. If only one partner falls in love, you get a big old mess.

I'm sure therapy will help. Don't be afraid to be accused of cheating, if your therapist is aware of alternative love styles, you should not feel judged.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Mama,

Pretty common story. Seems it's everyone's biggest fears. Having sex with someone CAN open channels between people that allow them to connect on a deeper level. It's why not many people go into swinging. But it's really a control tactic. It can happen (connections) outside that realm too. If it's going to happen - it does. Pointless to try to defend against it - better to prepare for it. Acknowledge the possibility in advance.

Which can start with a simple question for you both to answer..........

"What IS 'love' ? (to me and to you)"

"How can 'love' become a negative - a threat ?"

I think some interesting discussion will develop from trying to answer these questions. And at that point things may change dramatically.

GS

[midwestmama]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

He has read through the site in the past, along with some others. After reading the monostruggles thread he got worse. :( When I come across relevant threads I send him a link to them.

Last night we looked at the 14 steps link in practicing poly but he says he feels like he did try and it didn't work. Basically, he's given up. He said No poly anything ever again a few weeks ago. I got him to admit things can change and to say no poly now. MAYBE someday. But I'm pretty sure that was just for my benefit and not true.

I said I feel sad because he doesn't love all of me. I know there are parts that you love people in spite of, but this feels more like a part he really hates and resents. He said he loves all of me, even this part. I said I'm confused because you'd leave me over a part of me you love. His response... I'm sorry its confusing to you.

I will ask him the questions posted in your replies.

As for swinging, I quite enjoy it. There have been people that we click with sexually and we repeat with whenever possible (2-3 times per year) and ones that we play with only once. Swinging is seen to us as a sex toy. We've played alone and together, had 2, 3, 4, and more somes.

The husband I'm in love with, we fell for each other before we were ever together. We have been together one time but were interupted very early into it and had to stop. We've never been together before or since in that way. So it wasn't that the sex led us to these feelings. But OH if I could have sex with him... Wow, I so wish.

We have stopped swinging at this time. I am bitter that its ok for me to have sex with people I don't care about but not people I DO care about. We, as a couple, aren't ready to be doing it right now. But my husband wants to go back to it. I enjoyed it, and wouldn't mind, but not sure I can handle it if I'm to deny any poly side of me. Just too risky.

And through this all I miss the other man. I've tried to erase him from my mind, but I just cannot. I've only told 3 men I love them. My late husband, my current husband, and him. It wasn't something that came easily. I fought it, knowing my husband wouldn't accept it well.

One thing my husband has mentioned before was that HE should be doing the things I say the other does for me, make me laugh and smile etc... As if only one person on earth is to do those things for me. There are certain sexual things/positions that aren't my cup of tea. I delight in finding a swinger friend that will do those with him for me so that he's getting a want filled and I didn't have to do it. I'm happy that he is happy. I so wish I could get the same in return.

Thanks so much for being here!

[Joyce]

Dear Midwestmama,

Wow, it is amazing how likewise our stories are. And also very different, of course.

An introduction to my dynamic life:
This week my husband asked me to choose between himself and J. (my second relationship for almost 5 months). Because he couldn't take it anymore. What I totally understand because we were losing each other.

The feeling I felt when I saw the letter he gave me was a feeling of being not understood in the idea of true love for more then one person. The choice is valid from a monogamous point of view. From a poly point of view, there is no choice. The one example that comes the closest to the loving-more-than-one-person for someone who is mono is to choose between two parents. That is not possible in the heart. Of course, it is possible in a practical way... But I don't think that would makes us happy, in the end.

I told my husband that I couldn't make that choice. The hard part is that my husband is my primary relationship. So, it is not completely fair that there is no choice. There should be a choice.
But it would be denying myself, and I can't do that.
And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship.

At the moment my husband and I are looking for options that work for us all. In the meantime I'm not seeing J. because I want to focus on my husband. I think that is a wise decision for now.

I don't think you cheated. You believed, and wanted to believe, that it was ok. to Love the other husband. And being in love usually doesn't help to see things in a realistic way. Maybe I do understand the way you feel right now. Something like: That in the first place it was ok., and now it isn't, that is confusing, and maybe sometimes it even feels dishonest. But it still is reality for you that you also love the other husband. You can't put all that wonderful feelings back where they came from? Can you? Well.. I can't.. in my situation.
And your husband really believed he could give you that, and now it turns out he can not.. :( Wow, that is hard for him too..

Double trouble is appropriate.. I guess.

Good luck. I hope there is a solution that will make all of you happy.
Thanks for sharing your story. It helped me a lot, reading your story. I do hope you can find some understanding, because I honestly don't think you are nuts... :rolleyes:

I'm not sure if the things I wrote are clear, I'm still improving my English, so.. You can always ask me to try and write things in a different way.

Maybe, we can find some support in sharing thoughts with each other. :)

Joyce

[redpepper]

I wonder if he sees the fact that you are not into swinging right now as an ultimatum... no love allowed for the other man? No swinging... that kind of thing. Not that that is what you are saying, but I wonder if its how he sees it.

Give this some more time... it sounds like not only you are confused, but he is also. It's hard to get your head around the difference between swinging and poly for some people. Swinging is totally monogamy, hetro based... it isn't surprising that there is a struggle to understand that love is infinite sometimes and uncontrollable. Once that feeling seeps in, its hard to change it and go back. It is possible, but not unless you really want it. It sounds like you don't want so much of the casual thing any more... because there has been a change in you.

[midwestmama]

Joyce, our situations do have a lot of similarities huh? I don't have people giving me trouble about it because we didn't tell anyone except my sister-in-law and it turns out she has a boyfriend... But she is cheating, her husband has no idea. Her & her husband are so happy that it irritates me that she is happy when cheating. I'm honest and upfront about things and I don't get to experience it. However, I couldn't live with myself if I was cheating.

I showed my husband this thread. He has agreed to see if we can find a way. He isn't saying it will work, but he'll try. He told me to send him any links etc... To help him. I had bought "The Ethical Slut" on recommendation of a poly friend but he didn't like it. I have been reading the book thread here and saw several monos saw it as threatening. Ooops! :) So, back to the drawing board but this is better than before.

He says I'm pushing him now. He doesn't like being pushed. I AM pushing, I don't deny it. But before I started pushing it was no way, won't try, don't want to, never.

We're still working on us. We'll still see the therapist. And I'm still not talking to the husband. He was friends with my husband before this, so I'm hoping somehow they can talk to each other again. My husband still likes the other guy, he has been respectful and done nothing wrong. Its the concept that he's struggling with.

[Joyce]

The book opening up is maybe a better option.
There also exists a dutch book: Love unlimited - Leonie Linssen
It is a book with +- 10 practical examples.
I'm not sure the english version is already available. It should be available since 2010. I think it is a really helpful and understanding book for sorting out al different kinds of problem. They also have a case about swingers.

Thanks for the post.

For the coming weeks I need to focus on study so I wish you good luck.

Joyce

[redpepper]

Joyce, could you add your book to book reccomendstions? Sounds like a good book. Thanks.

[TL4everu2]

Mama,
You sound like my last girlfriend. :( Sadly, she and I had to break up because her hubby couldn't get over the fact that she and I were in love.

I barely ever see her anymore, and while it hurts, I shove that hurt down even deeper. I actually WORK with her hubby. (Odd right?) He is my supervisor at my job. Oddly enough, he STILL got me this job even AFTER knowing about his wife and I.

We all started out as swingers also. My wife and I and her and her hubby. We were all swingers, but my wife and I only played with them. They would OCCASIONALLY play with others. Mainly AFTER my wife and I introduced them to the local swingers club. Boy was THAT a mistake. :rolleyes: Anyway, we would meet up with them every weekend....This went on for 3 years! Eventually, after about 2 years, I realized that I actually CARED for his wife...... I confronted her, and asked her if she felt the same. She confirmed that she did, but would never leave her hubby. I told her I didn't WANT her to leave him, and I wasn't going to leave my wife. So my wife and I started talking to him about polyamory. All he could clean out his ears to hear was "polygamy". :rolleyes: I tried and tried to explain it to him, but he got stuck on "poly", and made up the rest himself after that part of the word. :(


So, here I am now. My wife and I are currently dating a wonderful single woman. We are happy. I DO have times of longing, but I get over them.


I have to ask, did you at least explain the problem with the new man? Or did you simply never speak to him again leaving him wondering what he did to make you mad?

[midwestmama]

Within an hour of my husband telling me that this was killing him and he could no longer do it, I was talking to the other man, explaining it to him. He wasn't all that surprised. My husband has yo-yoed on this the entire time. That was in early December. I haven't talked with him since. I'm still friends with his wife so we both know of each other, but don't talk to each other. She is poly and totally ok with our relationship, so she is an easy person for me to talk with.

I told the other man so quickly because I was afraid my husband would take it back when he saw me upset and then when I calmed down, a week or so later, do this again. (Its happened) and I just couldn't deal with it one more time. It is so gut wrenching.

I'm currently dieing here... I sent my husband a link to a page with info I wanted him to read on poly, but I sent it to his work address!!!! 2nd time I've done that! That's bad, I get excited to find something that may help and I don't think to change the default email. Uggggg

By the way, we don't have internet (live out in the sticks) other than our phones. To set up this account I had to go to the library and do it on their computers bc registration requires you to type in the scrambled letters and my phone doesn't show it. I've received messages from people here and I'm having trouble trying to reply etc... Please have patience if I don't reply quickly!

[redpepper]

hello midwestmama. Perhaps looking at the "book recommendations" thread and ordering some books would help... that way you can do some reading at home when you can't get to a computer. Just a thought.

[TL4everu2]

Mama,
No worries about any slow replies. I totally understand what you mean about the dying thing. My wife was ok with me and my girlfriend being in love with each other. She knew I wasn't going to leave, and knew that it didn't diminish my love for her (my wife) at all. She was there for me the entire time through the break up. I still remember hearing myself say "good-by D*******" the last time. For about a month after, I would go to work in hopes of hearing her voice on her hubby's cell phone, or possibly see her come into the shop. And the first time I saw her, she ignored me. She did this because of her husband. Not because of me. It is totally gut wrenching....but...as with all things....with time....it all passes.

My ex's hubby told me the other day that she came to him crying because my wife and I don't talk to them anymore. I simply said "I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm trying to keep my work and my personal lives seperate. So I would appreciate your co-operation on it." He dropped it, but I could tell he was upset. He has told me that since we all broke up, him and his wife have not played with anyone else. I told him I was sorry to hear that, but it would never happen again with them and us. He got upset about that. Basically, because he couldn't handle his wife and I being in love, all his sex play got kicked out too. Oh well. I really don't feel sorry for him.

My advice to you? Be patient. Your husband may yet come around. My wife has bouts of jealousy about me and our girlfriend. How does she get over it? I have no clue. But when she tells me something makes her uncomfortable, I listen, and don't do it again! LOL So be patient Mama....It may yet happen. Just remember, the journey of 1000 miles, begins with but one step.....and is completed through countless hours of hard work and determination.

My wife feels jealousy easier than I do. I think the reason, is because earlier in our marriage, when we would argue, I would tell her I was leaving her. She NEVER ONCE told me that. Soi she feels that if I find someone better, I'll leave her for the new person. I continuously tell her I'm not going anywhere, but it is a rough road to go. That's for sure.

[midwestmama]

We went to our first therapy session. It was very good. Now we have to wait 3 more weeks for the next one. My husband still won't let me talk to my friend though.

My friend's wife is one of my best friends. She told me yesterday that if my husband ever said it was ok to talk to him again, she'd probably say no. She didn't like how he becane controlling of me when this all went down. She doesn't want to see or talk to him ever again. :(

I was just devastated hearing this. Here we have been working hard to get US ok. Working on us as a couple & also figuring out how to live with someone else in my life too. And while we aren't there, her saying that took away the light at the end of the tunnel. :(

My husband says he wishes he could snap his fingers and be ok with poly, but he isn't. Therapy was interesting but was with only one session, we're not there yet.
So, there is my update. I'm so glad we found an accepting therapist.

[midwestmama]

Ok, I have a new issue/question for you... but I'm leaving it on this thread so you can know the background on our situation. It is nearing two months now since I talked to my boyfriend due to my husband's decision. I have recently told him this was just more than I can handle. We're still going to therapy and working on how I can talk to him again.

So... we have a couple that are friends of ours. The husband is my husband's friend and over time we have become friends with the wife. They are pretty good friends now and my husband has always been attracted to her physically and he has often said how much he enjoys her company. They are both poly. She was going to look for a boyfriend awhile back and my husband joked to me that perhaps he could be her boyfriend. He made that comment again a month or so ago. (after the break up of my boyfriend and I) We were to go out with them last weekend. She and my husband kept talking about how happy they were to get to see each other again and how much they wanted to dance together.

Today the wife and I were talking again. She knows everything about our poly issues. She still likes my husband. Today she was talking about how she had been looking on some dating sites for a boyfriend but couldn't find anything that made her want to even send an email. We were talking about how I had considered setting my husband up with someone so he'd get a feel for the poly from the inside, not the outside. She joked about asking him out. I pointed out that he wouldn't make much of a boyfriend because he was so terrible at communicating. Really, absolutely terrible. He's an engineer if that helps explain things. But, her husband is an engineer too and she's so used to this.

So... I talked to my husband tonight. I asked if he was interested in a physical only or emotionally involved relationship with her. I know he'd be interested in physically only, as he has always been attracted to her. She is looking for a emotionally involved relationship. He said he doesn't know. He's not sure he has enough time to devote to it. He doesn't know how it would be a good relationship idea (for us) for him to be gone even more. These are all valid points of discussion.

However.... am I wrong for being slightly frustrated that I am not even allowed to TALK to my friend when he is willing to consider the idea of himself being involved in a poly relationship??? I keep hoping that if he gets in one than he'll realize it was nothing to fear. However, this is my friend we're talking about. I don't want him to get involved with her and be freaked out and act poorly, possibly hurting her (feelings, not physically)

Should I be helping them or stay out of it (in which case no relationship will develop... she's the only person he texts other than me, and he texts her about every other month) She's a good match for him, I trust her and like her. Her husband is in a poly relationship already so she knows what is involved and what it feels like from the outside.

I'm confused.

[Fidelia]

If it were me, I'd at least open the lines of communication with him on this topic. It looks like there is potential for benefit and growth for all parties.

[midwestmama]

I should add that if he gets to date her, I would get to talk to my boyfriend again. So, I am motivated for this to work. But I don't want to push him and my friend into something for greedy reasons either.

I am not sure if they would work out of course, but the fact that he has always contemplated it made me think it may be worth a look...

[Carma]

midwestmama,
I am feeling your pain, it must be breaking your heart not to be able to speak to your beloved. I've been there. My husband is so afraid of losing me -- but when he restricts me from loving, he IS losing me, on the inside :( Fortunately we are in a better space today, but this journey has had its rough spots, for sure. Sometimes I truly wish I had never fallen for the other man -- but then I remember that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." So true.

You are not alone -- so many of us here have gone through much of what you are experiencing. That's why I keep coming here -- it helps. Oh -- and my husband also gets freaked by some of the stuff on here! Everyone's situation is unique, and no one really knows what's best for you. I just like reading other people's stories and realizing I'm not alone. I'm learning to "take what you like, and leave the rest."

I'm a midwestern mama too -- in Ohio, maybe we're neighbors? :)

[Carma]

"And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship."

Joyce,
I think that is beautiful. I never even considered making that promise with my OSO, but I've felt a desire to do so! How loving, to protect his feelings, too!

I have cut things off with him before, and left him sort of lost and wondering, missing me and wishing we could at least TALK. The hard part is, he and my husband are best friends, and I don't want them to have hard feelings if it is my husband who is struggling. I also don't want to make my husband look bad, like, "I'm feeling jealous and threatened by you, man".... I always want my OSO to think everything is ok, so he won't feel guilty about being with his best friend's wife! Sometimes I'm afraid my OSO will call it off, to avoid hurting his friend!

Communication really is important, but it gets awfully complex when there are more than 2 (which is hard enough, right?!)

I am a classic people-pleaser, so I have to resist worrying too much what is going on in everyone else's head! And yet, still be sensitive...

This is tough stuff! I really think poly calls you to a higher level of honesty. It is very challenging! But -- here I am, right?? Here WE are!! What a boat :)

[midwestmama]

"And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship.

I get this mentality. But then in this case my husband and I would have been over. It wasn't him saying he didn't like it, rather he could not live like this anymore. I told my bf "I'd give up almost anything for you, but for this I'd have to give up everything and I can't."

[redpepper]

...when he restricts me from loving, he IS losing me, on the inside :( ....Sometimes I truly wish I had never fallen for the other man -- but then I remember that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." So true.
Thanks for saying this. I think its really important to note and be aware of. At least for me right now in my life. How is it possible to balance both the love lost and your partners potential to lose a part of you because of their restrictions? A balance doesn't seem right somehow as I don't know about you but I prefer a more pure love than that. Time maybe? Is it possible to get passed restricted love in order to give love purely again to your partner?

[Carma]

I think I get all into the romantic DRAMA, the paradox, of giving up EVERYTHING for the one you love.... "All in the name of love...." "What I did for love...." (I think there are hundreds of songs like this!)

Someone once told me I was being selfish for not giving up the other man I loved, for the sake of my husband. Sometimes I felt like staying in my marriage was MORE selfish, because I wasn't giving up my comforts. Is polyamory all about sacrifice??? Or the only answer? I mean, how can you give up one love, for another love? And what about sacrificing your needs -- to LOVE, or to BE LOVED? ("Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you, or are you going back to the one you love? Someone's gonna cry when they learn they've lost you; someone's gonna thank the stars above....") I have a good marriage, my husband adores me, and I love him, but if I could not love this other man, an essential part of me would die. How can that be a good thing?

I thrive on this stuff -- I'm an English Lit major :) (Even though I can't seem to write intelligently on this forum -- I apologize! :( ) I guess it's much easier when it's fictional characters, but when it's your own life and you are living this drama, it is really mind-boggling sometimes.

I'm sorry -- am I hijacking? If so, sorry, and HELP!

[midwestmama]

LOL you are not hijacking this!!! It is total drama isn't it!?! I truly intended to walk away from him for my husband. But I am still struggling every single day and its been nearly two months. I fantasize about waiting for him after work someday and seeing his face when he walked out to his car to find me there.

It has taken every bit of strength I have to not contact him. It is so incredibly difficult. But I cannot sneak around. My integrity is about all I have left right now.

[redpepper]

I'm waiting with baited breath for you to figure it out carma. ;)

I just read on another thread about not following mainstream and to not own one another blah blah blah... I wish it were as easy as just that. I wish it were possible to just throw my hands in the air and do what the hell one wants and have all expectations of being actively loved regardless. Thing is everyone has to be on board with that. I think there need to be an alternate plan. But what?

I guess fear comes into play as does experience and just being plain tired. Eventually in life the pain that is caused by just doing whatever is harder to stand than the dull ache of sucking it up. Time tells whether or not the choice is worth it.

[monolicious]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

I said I feel sad because he doesn't love all of me. I know there are parts that you love people in spite of, but this feels more like a part he really hates and resents. He said he loves all of me, even this part. I said I'm confused because you'd leave me over a part of me you love. His response... I'm sorry its confusing to you.



I think it is really unfair to say that his struggle with this indicates he doesn't love all of you.

Do you love all of him, even his mono-part? How are you showing love to that part? Isn't this entire post about how you hate and resent what his mono parts are asking of you? That it is unfair, and hurts you. What about his hurt and sense of betrayal that he was very honest long ago in telling you "I won't ever be able to handle you being poly" and yet that is exactly where you have gone. Was that showing love for his monogamous needs?

Loving someone for all that they are, and being compatible with them relationally are not the same thing.

Your husband loves you, but that doesn't magically transform him into poly anymore than your love for him magically kept you from acting on poly.

I hope you will remove that double-standard out of the process with him.

I know, for me, I would find that lack of insight deeply hurtful.

[Carma]

Well there's the toughest part, I think -- the compromising! Just because you love someone unconditionally does that mean you have to accept everything they do? Sometimes I wonder if my mono husband can really handle this -- is it too much to ask of him? But I guess that is his decision to make. Would he be happier without me in his life, or would he rather work on accepting things about me he wishes were different?

I can accept the fact that he is mono, but how does that work -- I can't be mono right now; I can't pretend to be something I'm not, in order to make him happy.... because ultimately, how could that make him happy???

Whew! I confuse myself, even! :)

[MonoVCPHG]

Well there's the toughest part, I think -- the compromising! :)


Everything below is my opinion and is not meant to be a generalization ;)

Mono poly is an endless struggle of trying to love while trying to be loveable. When we give it hurts us...when we take it hurts us. Mono and Poly give, Mono and Poly take....the cycle continues and until one partner becomes completely ok with the nature of the other or they exist in a constant state of compromise....never fully giving thier heart to mitigate the pain of having it broke. We have a difference in how love works for us; the mono feels and gives more love when it is expressed to them the same way they express it, the poly's love grows as it is expanded to others. When neither is fully able to share love the way they are designed to we end up loving less.

Sometimes it is worth it.

[monolicious]

I can accept the fact that he is mono, but how does that work -- I can't be mono right now; I can't pretend to be something I'm not, in order to make him happy.... because ultimately, how could that make him happy???

Whew! I confuse myself, even! :)

You accept the fact that he is mono, and yet you made decisions to compromise your mono relationship with him. So, what does "accepting mono" mean in this case?

I heard you saying that "accepting" his mono meant telling him he didn't love all of you because he was mono and doesn't know if he can be poly. How is that any different than you not loving all of him by embracing poly.

Can he pretend to be poly in order to make you happy? Sounds like he was trying to for a while, hoping he could, but ultimately (at this point) he can't.

Poly=complicated.

I wish you both happiness and love.

[midwestmama]

Monolicious, at first I got defensive about your response, but I waited and thought for a little bit and I think you are correct. I was in drama mode when I wrote that part. My husband loves me. This I do know. Since he was saying he just wanted his wife back, the wife that didn't have feelings for other people, I felt like he no longer felt the same about me. But it was an unfair statement for me to attribute feelings for him.

I do feel I have been very supportive of him. He used to be in a band, I didn't like it. It isn't a very family friendly life. But I didn't request he stop it, I didn't insist he stay away from the friends that were not what I'd like as our friends. I supported him. I went to his shows, I was friendly and polite towards his friends. Now he's in grad school. He also works full time plus. School and work are in different towns, school an hour away. I dislike it and wished he could spend more time at home with our children. but, I tend to the house and kids because he enjoys his career and furthering it with his education is important to him. And I love seeing his sense of pride and accomplishment from this (and its much better than the band!!!) Those aren't the same as falling for someone, true. But I don't feel that I have ignored his needs and wants through our life together.

I don't honestly believe he is mono, at least not in the mono this forum tends to use. We are swingers and he greatly enjoys having sex with multiple women, some of them on many repeated times. He has made comments over a period of many months about really liking this friend of ours and joking about being her boyfriend. However, if he is mono, I am supportive of that. And by that I mean, I am not going to try to make him take a girlfriend so I can say "see, you get it, now I do too" I am glad that he feels complete and satisfied with only me, if that is correct. I am happy that he feels happy and complete, in whatever it is that makes him happy and complete.

He has been honest and open at therapy about all of this and I am very grateful for this. I hope so dearly that it works.

[monolicious]

MWmama,
Thanks so much for working past your initial response to hear what I was saying. Mainly, I know how much it would wound me if my poly husband saw my struggles with his polyness as a lack of love on my part.

I wish my love for him could transform me into a poly person (or even a mono with no struggles around this), but so far it hasn't. I don't know if it ever will. But then his love for me didn't keep him mono. So, that makes me think the mono/poly thing isn't about a lack of love at all. It is more about what love relationship structure we thrive in best, and compatibility, and mostly staying true to ourselves.

I can relate to drama mode:) No worries. A forum like this can be a good place to vent drama mode without hurting our loved ones.

It sounds like you have been extremely supportive of your husband throughout your marriage. I didn't mean to imply you hadn't. The only issue I sought to address was him telling you he would not be able to handle you being poly, and that is exactly where you find yourself now. That is not an issue of blame, as much as an issue of circumstance.

As for the swinging and question of if he is mono, only the two of you can really sort that out.

I am glad to hear you are in therapy and being honest-

best of luck in love and happiness.

[Magdlyn]

Speaking of being poly but acting mono, BTDT*, the ex was still jealous of every crush or infatuation I felt. He was always afraid of losing me to another.

*been there, done that