07-08-2009, 09:59 PM
I was curious how you guys seem to use your time for all of your relationships. One concern that I have with my wife and I doing this is that our relationship has always taken lots and lots of time and communication. We tend to drift apart without it.
For example, I just got done working 17 days straight and we didn't get to spend as much time with each other one on one as we usually do. Between that, watching kids and having different schedules it has been very hard. Then to top it off, the guy that my wife really liked is staying with us as he has no place to stay right now so he is always around. There is always something getting in the way of our quality time.
So my question is if we can't stay really close during this time how is it going to be if we are out with other people? I believe that we have to revamp our relationship and learn how to be in a different type of relationship with each other. I know that my codependency, self esteem and confidence problems are really getting in the way of this. I mean how do you love someone and care about what is going on their lives and at the same time not caring what they go out and do? I feel like I am not supposed to give a sh** about what is going on. It makes me very confused... but curious!:)
07-08-2009, 11:11 PM
Difficult question to answer as each group may have different ways of sharing, coping, etc. My wife and my other love live under the same roof with me and my wife works with me at my office. Our kids are in college and for the most part out of the way. I alternate nights in each of their beds. We make an effort to have group talks after dinner nearly every night. I get the opportunity to talk to each partner at bedtime or in my wife's case at the office during the day too. In spite of all this closeness and sharing, I still get the occasional complaint from one of them that we are not spending enough tim e together or talking enough. So, even the best of situations with the least complications (logistics and children) can have difficulties. you just have to be flexible and work around them as best you can. No standard answer for you, sorry.
07-09-2009, 07:22 AM
For example, I just got done working 17 days straight and we didn't get to spend as much time with each other one on one as we usually do. Between that, watching kids and having different schedules it has been very hard.
When you have these long stretches of work, do you both have computer or phone access and a little privacy? My husband and I started our relationship through long (and I'm talking really long) emails back and forth and even when we had our off times before getting married (including living in different states) these emails continued and were a strong influence to our ability to communicate so openly with each other. Even just normal paper letters are a great way to communicate if you can't or are not able to talk to each other.
Then to top it off, the guy that my wife really liked is staying with us as he has no place to stay right now so he is always around. There is always something getting in the way of our quality time.
I'd say you have a babysitter staying with you...if you trust this person with your kids, but if you trust your wife with him, I'd hope you would trust your kids with him for a few hours. Take it out of his rent if he pays rent. Ok, so maybe a bit simplistic, but I like simple sometimes. I don't know what kind of arrangements you have set up with this friend, room & board or with your wife, but it is important to use what is available. If he is willing to help you and your wife have some date time together, go for it.
I mean how do you love someone and care about what is going on their lives and at the same time not caring what they go out and do? I feel like I am not supposed to give a sh** about what is going on. It makes me very confused... but curious!:)
Well, you wouldn't really be "not caring" about what they are doing or where they are going, would you? You would care that they are safe, that they are happy, maybe even having a good time. And to me it seems that you really should care about what is going on to a point, although I have heard of some couples preferring the "don't ask don't tell" idea, to me that is to close to cheating.
It seems like we can prepare for a lot of things, setting up basic boundaries, keeping communication lines open, deciding on whether you get to meet a prospective partner (although that doesn't seem to be a problem in your case at present). But some things we have to be flexible with and if something does bother you, talk to your wife and if need be, set up new boundaries.
I hope this is of some help. I am also new to the poly world and still testing the waters myself, but that would be my $.02 for now.