Something More

[marksbabygirl]

Something More (http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp5foT32tKM)

The past 4 months have been an incredibly gut-wrenching, painful journey for me. There are fractures in what I thought was a solid, un-breakable marriage. My sex drive is at an all time low.

I've learned some things though.

I've learned that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. The idea that my husband can love someone else terrifies me to the core. I know where that fear comes from - and the work to overcome that fear is going to be immense - it stems from my early childhood, reinforced by various situations and people right up to and including my husband's actions recently.

I am fascinated by what I am reading on the facebook group. The ideas about non-violent communication, scarcity vs abundance, how to be a wholehearted person, the processes of learning to own your feelings and being responsible for them ... hmmm now that I think about it - its mostly stuff RP posts. It all challenges me to think, to re-evaluate who I am and what I believe.

I keep reading even though it causes me anxiety. I have learned that those things that cause me anxiety are issues I need to work on.

I don't know where we'll go in terms of other relationships... and right now - I don't want a direction. I choose to stay around the poly forums because I find the information here invaluable for my own personal growth.

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for the update my friend. Take care and I hope the learning continues and leads to happiness for you and all you care about :)

[marksbabygirl]

There is a reason that sledgehammers are reserved for demolition:p. Ever try to bend a piece of wood? It is a sloooow process that can take days and it may require extra encouragement, such as steam, water, clamps, etc. making minor adjustments as you go. Bend it too fast and it will break and splinter.

This.

We bent too fast.

I get frequent texts from P. I am ok with that, because before she and W got together, we had been forging a friendship. Except I'm sorta not because it feels like the texts are just for me to be a go-between so she can keep in contact with W until he is ok with talking to her again.

I spend a lot of time on two issues:

1. Shoulding. I should be this, I should feel that, I should be ok with this, I should be emotionally that. It leaves me feeling less than and inadequate.
2. Chameleon. I am a chameleon and I need to find out who *I* am and what *I* want.

Ever watch the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts & Richard Gere? She conformed herself to each of her different partners only to run away at the wedding because it wasn't who she was or what she wanted but didn't know how to express that. She ended up in her apartment alone, having cooked eggs 6 different ways because she didn't know what kind she liked and wanted to try them.

That's how I feel. I need to sit alone for a while trying out this or that to see which one *I* like.

I know W is poly. He's not willing to go through the pain and stress we went through (it had physical ramifications) again - so for him - he's going to remain happily monogamous. I think that if we were to get ourselves sorted, it would end up being ok for both of us.

I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people - but uncomfortable with poly considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years... I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.

Its all fixable, but like I said, I feel like I am a chameleon right now. I need to get to the root of who *I* am. I think there's someone pretty awesome in there. But she's buried deep.

[SNeacail]

I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people - but uncomfortable with poly considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years... I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.

((hugs))

I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage, instead it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.

I don't really have experience with poly yet, but was inches from divorce back in July. I discovered an affair again... I completely flipped out. 3 days later, I called and made an appointment with a marriage councelor. Things between us have changed so drastically that we aren't even on the same planet we were on before. Sex with other people was not what broke our marriage. The inability to communicate to each other did. I don't think we could have fixed this on our own, we needed that objective third party.

My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have been harboring resentments and disapointments for almost that long, but we didn't even realize it. For most of our marriage, we were just existing.

[marksbabygirl]

I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage, instead it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.

When I first saw this - I objected.... NO YOU'RE WRONG!! And spent time composing a very long post as to WHY you were wrong, and why it was all HIS fault or HER fault and then work got in the way and I didn't hit submit because I wasn't yet happy with how it was worded.

It never got posted. I am one of those who will let something rattle around in their brain until it's *right* or until it gets sorted out - usually if it gets sorted out there's crying and tears and conversations involved...

And this morning there was.

And I realized that I've been looking at a lot of this bass-ackwards.

Yes, there were some behaviours that I REALLY didn't like coming from the two of them. Yes, I mostly understood that it was NRE and logically I could see that eventually it would get sorted out and get better.

What I couldn't see, in the pain/anxiety/stress/panick, was my part in everything.

There are things, that, had we never ventured into poly, would never have come to the light, so in that respect, yes... poly broke us.

But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again.... we'll be better equipped to handle things.

[SNeacail]

But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again.... we'll be better equipped to handle things.

For many years (most of my marriage) there were little things that bugged me and I'm not even sure I would have been able to point a finger at exactly it was. I just lived with it and thought I had no choice, that was part of marriage. Then everything came crashing down in a big way. It wasn't until we started seen the marriage councelor that we discovered what exactly some of these other issues were and how it contributed to undermining our marriage. His actions would fuel my actions and vice versa, rarely with positive results.

Sometimes it's the small things that do the most damage so when that last thing is added everything comes toppling down with catastrophic results.

My biggest regret was that it took so long to realize what needed fixing and how to go about doing it.

((Hugs)) and best wishes.

[marksbabygirl]

I am learning to keep myself out of things that don't involve me.

I am frustrated and irritated.

P has been texting me, keeping in touch, and I'm ok with that. Even with the texts having a tone of being primarily to keep a line of contact with him.

I *thought* we were on our way to being friends before, during and even after.

So whatever.

She texts me and asks me how *I* feel about her contacting him. I'm like, well, I'm somewhat apprehensive, fairly scared about the feelings between the two of you flaring up and taking over a friendship. And he needs more time. So not right now.

I had shared every single text with W. Asked him what he thought. How he felt. He said "I need more time"

Ok.

I was hesitant to tell her that - because the theme of the issues when they were together was that I was irrational, unreasonable and controlling. So... I figured that if it came from me... that's the thought process that would happen again.

Sure enough.

So my text about he needs more time and I am uncomfortable was read as "Jane has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want us to be in contact"

And now I'm irritated.

Not because she chose to read it wrong - but because she chose to text him anyhow, and it upset him.

But its none of my business. Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again... and if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels... this is not my buisness.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:

[Livingmybestlife]

Jane,

I think your being incredibly graceful. I am so glad you decided to share your journey with us again.

Thank you,

LMBL

[Derbylicious]

It's hard to stay out of someone's relationship (or non relationship) when one of the parties concerned is someone you're invested in. I imagine that it's even worse if you're invested in both parties in the relationship. Your concern needs to be on your relationship with W. It's up to him to communicate with you how things are with him and when he's ready to resume communication with P and what that communication will look like. It's your responsibility to continue being open about how you feel with him and what you need from him. It isn't your responsibility to act as messenger between the two of them.

-Derby

[SNeacail]

Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again... and if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels... this is not my buisness.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:

Good for you!

[marksbabygirl]

Note to self: when the hand sanitizer bottle and the lube bottle look the same - don't keep them in the same spot. In the semi-darkness, you WILL grab the wrong one... :eek:

[mushaboom]

LOL, I was all ready to write about how I really feel for you and relate to your situation and that I have a lot of similar feelings and issues with discovering who I really am... and then I read that last post and I just started cracking up instead! :)

[marksbabygirl]

Yeah - it was funny - hot and steamy, tied up and he goes for the lube... I'm helpless on the bed... all of a sudden he's gone... good thing I wasn't gagged or blindfolded...

Its been a painful and frustrating journey for me. We were extremely ill-prepared for what happened, and the ripples continue to affect us even as recently as last night.

We finally came to a point of understanding last night - there were some things that were said and done that hurt me... during their relationship, and continuing on after...

I have come to some conclusions about myself and what I need to work on me and get ME to a healthy place - and some things I need from HIM for us to have healthy communication - IE: I want more kids. I don't want to give birth - I'd love to adopt - and he said he'd think about it. And kept saying that. Until finally last night, he admitted that NO he does not want to adopt - he's really truly done. It was a huge breakthrough for the both of us - I need him to not be so afraid of upsetting me that he hurts me more. (in this instance, by keeping the hope alive that we'd have a gorgeous little girl running around) I need to grieve and move on and I can't if he continues to give me false hope.

Short story long - I need him to tell me the truth, not tell me what he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me happy. Incongruencies and out of sync communication seriously messes with me.

And I need to be ok in my own skin.

We continued to talk last night about how he knows he can love another - but for him - will choose not to persue anyone - the stress of what happened these past months has taken a physical toll on him that he chooses not to repeat.

I was able to tell him that I still think about other people. I am half in love with his brother - and he's ok with that. I don't want to actively seek out another relationship at this point - but its ok if something finds me.

But my focus for 2011 will be my own mental and physical health and my family. Everything else will come secondary to that.

[eklctc]

I'm glad that there have been some revelations and more openness. I think people in relationships should take regular communication classes (at least twice a year) because many couples believe their communication is good when it's not. Constantly seeking avenues to broaden those lines of communication will help fuel the relationship. (sorry...went off on my own rant). Yea...maybe we should change the tops on one of the bottles so it'll be easier to differentiate even in the dark. For instance, if it's flat at the top (flip top), it's sanitizer. If it's cylinder/cone shaped at the top, its lube. lol

[marksbabygirl]

For the first time in months, I was able to drive by a certain landmark without pain last Saturday.

Every work day, 2X a day, I am forced to drive past a specific landmark and until recently, it would cause gut wrenching pain and start off a litany of conversations in my head.

Saturday, I drove by there with other things on my mind and there was nothing but some sadness.

Time does heal all wounds... some are not fully healed - in the wake of family grief and stress I find I am unable to open up, to let go and to cry... and I need to desperately. But it, too, will come.

I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want/need in life. We are open to possibilities... although right now that translates into not much is happening because our life is so freaking busy... options are open to discussion and negotiations should they come up :)

I have missed these forums...

[marksbabygirl]

Ariakas once posted on my (other) blog that my updates were awesomely vague.

I was vague on purpose, sorta. I couldn't talk about what I was experiencing during P&W's relationship - or really even after. The closest I came to talking about what I was feeling was a note on fetlife... Even now I still have trouble articulating what was going on for me and how it STILL affects me.

The reality is that the issues that ultimately ended everything left at least 3 people in pain and me in a situation where I was terrified to talk, and putting up walls. I couldn't talk. Wasn't allowed to talk. Had no where to talk. I could have talked here but my reasons for not talking here only intensified - I didn't want to seem like I was slandering someone I genuinely thought was a fantastic woman - and I never wanted anything to be a he said/she said situation. Ariakas has since deleted and/or blocked me on all sites/methods of communication so I don't know if he will ever see this or not - and now I'm at the point where I have to do what's best for ME and MY relationship not worrying about what others may or may not say about me. I can't be that person who has encased herself in walls... because walls shatter and then the pain all comes out.

And that's who I became. Someone who was desperately trying to hide behind walls but in the end everything shattered.

The theme of a lot of the issues with W&P's relationship, with mine & W's relationship was not saying anything so someone wouldn't get hurt - and invariably someone got hurt worse.

I wonder - if I had actually reached out would things have been different? Not that it matters now... my feeling is that one side doesn't want to know my side and that's ok. I wish everyone happiness and a good life - regardless of whether they understand or care about what was going on for me - I do hope things go well for them. I am sad for the loss of a potential friendship though.

Wellington and I had a major breakthrough on Monday - we were having a conversation, it turned into a fight, the same issues came up again... and I was finally able to tell him how I was feeling in a way that the 'light' came on.

For 13 years anytime we've had a conversation that involved me expressing feelings that were NOT postive and supportive and happy about him - he'd shut the conversation down. He doesn't do confrontation well - and he has a tendency to react rather than pause, think and act when he percieves an attack.

(note - i'm not saying I don't attack - but regardless - he perceives it as one)

I finally was able to show him what he was doing in a way that made sense to HIM.

Gawd I love that man. When he's faced with something he doesn't like about himself - he's all for changes and adjustments - he may not LIKE a trait about himself - but he's always willing to FACE it and WORK on it - as soon as he understands it. I wish I had 1/2 of that ability...

Knowing he's willing to stop and pause and think about what's being said rather than react to the percieved attack - means that the walls I've been so carefully constructing can start to come down. It means that he truely will be a safe place for me to talk and we can be SO much more genuine with each other.

I don't know where we're going in our poly journey - but I do know that wherever it is - it will be with a better understanding of ourselves. :D

[Ariakas]

First, I would like to say I wish you the best moving forward, and I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope this post clears up the series of events that seem to have left you hanging.

There was a lot of drama surrounding the overall relationship. Throughout the entire time I did try to remain friends. However we have a significant number of life differences/experiences. This alone would have caused us to drift apart.

After the cord was cut with Pengrah, regardless of how it was done (and no I don't want to debate it), I took my time to help Pengrah heal and in all honesty our "new" friendship had to end. Between us not having common ground and your husband being my wifes ex, there was no way to maintain a friendship without the anger, hurt and drama continuing.

There was a lot of drama in all of this, drama I try to minimize in my life. Friends, lovers or otherwise. It is not something I freely welcome into my home in abundance.

I would never stop someone from posting or writing about their relationships or problems. Please, if you need to do that here, go ahead. I would have left you to your own posts if you had chosen to do so, this is not my forum, I am simply a member who is active. The same goes for fetlife.

I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.

Ari

[marksbabygirl]

I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.

Everything was abundantly clear in your pm to me several months ago. It remains clear - a choice was made before the relationship between them ended and I was left floundering.

None of it was your fault, your responsibility and I'm not going to go into any of it. I still have parts of that affecting me. You DON'T know what happened on my side, Pengrah doesn't and NEITHER of you gave any thought to what was really happening.

The drama wasn't only coming from me. Even now - I am not the one stirring shit here. Truth is - you only saw it from her side - and that's the only side you ever wanted to see it from. It didn't matter how she hurt me or what she did - because you had decided it wasn't going to work out LONG before it ended.

I made a decision to keep silent a long time ago and it did serious damage. I'm not going to keep silent any further.

[marksbabygirl]

Fantastic day with hubby & kids today - he's waiting for me to kick his ass at backgammon...

We had some phenomenal talks in the last couple days. Working through the fissures and fractures that are so close to healed :D Its awesome.

I've heard that when you break a bone, the healed part is much stronger than it was whole.

It feels to be a truth for us, as well. The healed parts will be stronger.

We are enjoying each other's company... its a good good thing :D

[marksbabygirl]

Had a great conversation with a woman the other night. She's poly, in 3 relationships, and we have a lot in common. Right now, I'm happily exploring friendships with no expectation of more.

:)

She's cute though. I can't stop staring at her lips when I see her in person :p

[marksbabygirl]

I am angry and sad and lonely and hurt and I can't fucking stand it.

Even now, having given myself permission to just let it all out, to purge my soul and hopefully my mind, I find myself unable to let it flow. There's a blockage that physically hurts.

I wrote this 6 months ago:

I sit on the edge of the bed
Pain swirling all around me
You tell me to breathe, just breathe and let it go

I am in a maelstrom of pain, no matter which way I walk or what direction I take, the pain is there buffeting against me, tightening further and further on my skin and body and heart.

Breathe, you say. Tell me what's wrong.

Tears dripping down my face, snot running from my nose, my breath hitches and sobs tear from my body as I gasp and force from my lungs that I am in pain. That I hurt and no matter how much I try to wrench my soul away from the shattering pain, it finds me again and again and again in your actions... and I cannot heal, I cannot breathe, I cannot escape that which is breaking me.

I will not make you choose. I will continue to ask for more time, more space and hope that this time, this time, oh my god please this time, we will get it, because I am drowning in pain.

Let me protect you, you say. Let me make it better. I will fix it, I will make the pain go away.

And so I look up at you, trusting that this time, this time the pain will stop. If not stop, will lessen, ease up, that the tightening on my heart will relax enough to breathe again.

And then it gets worse.

Heart breaking, soul shattering pain as you throw words like arrows that pierce my heart, rendering me unable to breathe, wishing to to back in time to the maelstrom of pain that was so much more bearable than this. And I break into nothingness. I can see myself shattered all around me and all there is is white hot, searing cold numbing pain. Everything I am, every pore, every cell, every nerve is both burning and frozen and unable to do anything but react to the pain.

I force myself one final time to reach out, to attempt a walk to where the pain will let me breathe and again trust you even as you are shattering me.

And you hear me. For one brief, glorious moment, you hear me, and our world tilts back into place and I see that I can trust you, that the pain will heal, that together we can rebuild that which is broken and heal the shattered pieces of our lives.

And I have hope. I have the hope that we will finally be given the time we need to heal, that the wounds won't be broken open over and over and over and over by the sound of a bicycle bell.

I am wrong so far, but I still hope. I hope because you are here with me.

There is a part of you that is not accessible to me. Never before have we not shared everything, but this is a neccessary seperation that I am willing to endure, despite the pain it causes. I must endure it, for only in the separation can you heal from your maelstrom of pain, can you build back from your soul shattering, nerve searing, brokenness.

So I hope, that we will heal.

You are my Love. I am Yours. Together.

And that was one of the last truly authentic verbalizations of my feelings.

I will post my experiences with poly after... I'm hoping that by starting with that intensely painful feeling process, that I will start to crack the walls of emotion... so that I can deal with them in a more ... I want to say "controlled" manner, but more so that they don't attack me when I'm least expecting it. So that I don't walk into my office in tears because I've driven past a certain bridge and had a conversation replay in my head and I'm hurting all over again.

[marksbabygirl]

Just over a month ago my father died.

20 months ago my husband's heart stopped.

Today, I can't reach him because he's on a fishing trip with his brother - and his brother deliberately took him to a place where there's no cell service. It terrifies me because I don't know that he took his medication. Theoretically between him and his brother, they should be able to remember to make sure he takes his meds, but he forgot last week. Last week he forgot to take the meds that keep him alive and somehow, even though I am fanatical about ensuring he took them somehow we both forgot.

And I don't know if he took them. He probably did. But I don't know.

And I'm scared. And I have no one who truly understands what its like to watch someone you love DIE to talk to.

I'm sad. And I'm scared. And I'm alone.

[Ivy]

And I'm scared. And I have no one who truly understands what its like to watch someone you love DIE to talk to.

Hey there. I haven't read the rest of your blog yet, but I did happen upon this post, and I want to let you know that I do understand what you're feeling. My son is dependent on seizure medications--without them, he goes into severe seizures, then a coma, and then...yeah. Last time we left him alone with medical respite caregivers--trained nurses--they gave him the wrong med dose and he ended up in the ICU. He's seven years old.

I'm always terrified for him. Sometimes it's background worry, and sometimes it's big, terrifying in-your-face desperation and fear.

So for what it's worth, I, for one, understand what you're going through, and I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[marksbabygirl]

Ivy - thank you. I know its been a while - but I read this and really do appreciate the thoughts.

I'm currently trying to figure out where I fit on the poly spectrum.

I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that. Not less than, not disposable... secondary.

I was having a conversation with a cute girl today and we were discussing my poly 'style'. I am a busy woman. I have a lot of things going on in my life - a full time job, husband, kids, and outside activities that take up a lot of my time.

So what would work best for me is a relationship with someone who is similar to me.

They have a life, activities, perhaps other partners and don't need me to be their ONE, their ALL, their EVERYTHING.

I know there's a lot of people in the poly community that feel primary/secondary is a bad thing - but for me, its really a matter of involvement. I'm not looking for (but wouldn't push away) a full time, live in 2nd primary. I'm just looking for someone who understands my life, but has a VERY important part in it.

Perhaps that as easy as finding the mythical unicorn...

[River]

I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that. Not less than, not disposable... secondary.

Not less than but secondary. Not primary, secondary, but not less than, just lower in rank, just further down the line, secondary....

Honey, it's time to get honest. Secondary, by definition, means after primary, less than, not as important. Not primary. Less than.

I'm sorry to break the harsh news. But if you stop and think about it, you'd not like to be his secondary, would you? Would you?

[River]

Just over a month ago my father died.

20 months ago my husband's heart stopped.

Today, I can't reach him because he's on a fishing trip....

I hadn't read that before responding to the more recent post. I'm very sorry to hear about these serious troubles! What I just said about primary/secondary is made trivial and insignificant in this light. It's not front burner. Sorry. What needs dealing with here is the above-quoted material. All I can say is that I wish you all the best.

[marksbabygirl]

. But if you stop and think about it, you'd not like to be his secondary, would you? Would you?

I'm going to respond to this because it is a valid question and the answer is unhesitatingly YES.

Yes I want a relationship where I was his/her secondary. I'm married. I have kids. I have a full time job, a hobby that keeps me busy and I'm continually educating myself in my chosen field.

Yes, I want to be someone's secondary. I want to be that part time love/lover who we talk to via text/msgr/phone 4-6 days a week, and get together one, maybe 2 days a week.

Ideally my love/lover would be someone who has all of the above already. Someone who is looking for a part time/long-ish distance/secondary relationship.

So yes, I would be happy in a secondary role for someone else. :)

On another note - thank you for the thoughts. Hubby is fairly stable and his being unavailable to me helped me to "let go" of my need to manage his medication... although we BOTH have the reminders going off at the prescribed times :p

[marksbabygirl]

Feeling good.

Drove past someone I haven't physically seen in 9 months.

I wasn't ever sure how I'd feel - seeing this person - I was afraid of the white hot, heart skipping a beat, slight anxiety attack that might happen...

And ....

...nothing...

This is someone I used to know. Someone I used to spend a lot of time talking to.

And that's it. They're someone I know. Someone who looks good, and I hope their life is going well - they looked happy. I'm glad of that.

But ... they're just someone I used to know. No emotional attachment anymore.

[SourGirl]

I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that.

*****

So what would work best for me is a relationship with someone who is similar to me.

They have a life, activities, perhaps other partners and don't need me to be their ONE, their ALL, their EVERYTHING.

I know there's a lot of people in the poly community that feel primary/secondary is a bad thing - but for me, its really a matter of involvement. I'm not looking for (but wouldn't push away) a full time, live in 2nd primary. I'm just looking for someone who understands my life, but has a VERY important part in it.

Perhaps that as easy as finding the mythical unicorn...

Yes, this sums up a lot of how I have always felt. However, it is a uphill battle, I will warn you. :)
Much like, If you call yourself a 'open relationship' then poly people think : ' Oh, they just want to fuck.'
If you call yourself a open relationship around swingers, they think 'Oh, they want emotions involved.' lol,..cant win.
Much the same with primary and secondary labelling.

Most assume anyone wanting primary/secondary labels want it so, out of protection of the primary relationship. I know for me, that wasn`t where my head is/was. It`s mostly due to what I can offer. I don`t want anyone NEEDING me to that extent. I don`t have time for it. Much like you, life is very busy.

I am most comfortable knowing I have a tertiary role in someone elses life. I use to think secondary, but even that is far to taxing for me.

The other part for me, is that my love really is secondary or less. I love, but its not to the same extent as my husband. I know there is a lot of boo/hiss towards that mentality, but my truths are my truths. I love, and forever it seems, but there is a scale.

I can tell you that even when you are honest and upfront about this, people tend to figure that you just haven`t met the 'right' person. :rolleyes: So,...I can genuinely say, you cannot ever mention this enough. Even if you sound like a broken record. :p

I`ve talked to a few other people that have similiar feelings, and we have all noticed one trend,..same-sex married persons tend to understand this a bit better ? It may be coincidence, who knows, but experience says that 1 busy-mommy will understand where another 'busy mother' is coming from.

Anyhow, enjoy dating, hope you find the right match ! :)

[marksbabygirl]

Sour Girl... thanks. Its nice to know I'm not a complete anomaly. :p :cool:

Got a text from W - he got a text from someone who wants to get together and catch up.

Made me smile. I encouraged him to go. I told him that I was taking the bus to work and that he could come pick me up from work after.

I am making it easy for him to go. I have expressed my opinion on the matter. And I have let anything beyond that go. I will respect his decision either way.

I wish. I really fucking wish that I had the insight then that I do now.

I hope he goes.

[marksbabygirl]

Apparently some issues I thought long gone were just in hiding.

Triggers of sorts.

Wish I wasn't working alone :(

[Cricket]

-hugs-
D'you need someone to talk to?

[marksbabygirl]

-hugs-
D'you need someone to talk to?

Thank you.

Derby caught me on fb and chatted with me for a bit. Triggers are gone, I was doing better very quickly. Derby's awesome like that :D

[Cricket]

Glad you're doing better! I know it's hard to navigate around triggers.
-hugs-

[marksbabygirl]

Today was hard. It was my Dad's memorial.

We (my step-mom, my brother, my stepsister & I) went out on a boat at the lake where he loved to fish & camp at. We each scattered a bit of his ashes and said our goodbye's.

It was one of the first time's I'd been able to truely cry over his death.

After... my brother had an emotional breakdown that resulted in him losing consciousness for a bit. An ambulance ride and a couple hours in the hospital and he's doing ok.

I want my Dad back.

[marksbabygirl]

I eliminated someone from my life yesterday. Not entirely, just a part of the relationship that was damaging to myself, and my sense of self.

Nothing changed, except I said "no, I'm done" but last night and today I'm feeling an "unbearable lightness of being"

I am dancing at the top of the world and there is nothing I can't do.

Fuck it feels good :D

[Derbylicious]

I eliminated someone from my life yesterday. Not entirely, just a part of the relationship that was damaging to myself, and my sense of self.

Nothing changed, except I said "no, I'm done" but last night and today I'm feeling an "unbearable lightness of being"

I am dancing at the top of the world and there is nothing I can't do.

Fuck it feels good :D

Must be something in the air...i'm kind of in the same place at the moment.

[marksbabygirl]

I didn't realize how much it was weighing me down. It was awful. Everytime I got a text from this person, I wanted to vomit. W could see the change in me the moment it happened.

And now its gone :D

On the poly front, I'm exploring WHY I'm hesitant to put myself really out there and actively looking. We're always open to possibilities, but as soon as someone starts to get close or makes any sort of "hey I'm interested in you" noises... I find myself suddenly busy with something else... not sure if it was because some of those were completely sexual, or what, but I'm looking at it.

Or maybe I'm just friggen scared because of how much pain was involved in the last poly experience and right now we're so freaking happy... :cool:

[Livingmybestlife]

I understand the feeling of being afraid to try again. I never thought I would, and a delightful surprise came along.....LOL it's very new and but tough stuff happening on both ends so it isn't ridden with NRE.

[marksbabygirl]

Its funny how when one is content, the need to run around posting (for me at least) disappears.

"I'm CONTENT!!! I'm CONTENT!!! ZOMG I'm sooooo CONTENT!!!"

Dramatic posts don't quite fit with "I'm content"

Had a fantastic 12th anniversary date with Wellington on Sunday. We went out for dinner, walked around Whistler Village for a bit, saw an awesome juggler, then caught Barenaked Ladies in concert... man they're good.

Ended the night in our hottub.

ZOMG I'm so content... *teehee*

I used to always be afraid of the 13th year - he left his ex (c/l) after they'd been together 13 years...

We've been together 13.5 years, married for 12, and today... we're content :)

[SourGirl]

Happy Anniversary !

Funny how we all work with posting ! I tend to be the opposite. If I feel decisive and balanced, I post. When I was realllllllly annoyed with poly, I didn`t post. I had nothing good to say, so I kept my mouth shut !

[marksbabygirl]

Happy Anniversary !

Thanks!! - I am REALLY tired - just realized you already knew about my anniversary... you can disregard that in the email LOL

Pengrah is texting Wellington again. I'm ok with it. I was ok with it back in December after they had broken up and he and I had started the healing process - but he wasn't ready for it.

I won't deny it... I am curious... did she respond? Did you respond? but other than knowing if they are actually talking... I don't really care about the details. Its his relationship to rebuild or not as he sees fit. I know who I am to him and where I fit in his life, and we'll work through anything else that comes up.

I'm not actively seeking anything at this point. I don't have the *urge* to go out and date... I'm happy right now, and am enjoying the friendships I have and new ones I'm making and my relationship with my husband.

Life is good. Life is really good :) I am content... zomg... so content... LOLOLOLOL :D

[marksbabygirl]

I wasn't really updating much on my blog - it seems like there's nothing going on on the poly front... but its just that that the "goings on" are more of a personal growth, rather than an outward happening.

I've been trying to come to terms with where I am with poly. Am I poly? Am I monogamous? Am I a swinger? Am I open? Where do I fit?

A friend suggested Dan Savage's term "monogamish" might be more of a fit for me.

Before we go any further, yes, I get that there's no *need* to label things, but for me, it gives me a starting point, a frame of reference.

So I look for a label that works for me.

When I first embarked on a poly journey, it was because I had a crush on someone. I talked my husband into it (sorta - he can't really be talked into things, but it did take a lot of talking) and then he fell in love with someone else.

Their relationship didn't really work in that there was a LOT of things that were done "wrong" according to all things poly on this board. I can boil it down to simple NRE and 3 people who didn't know how to handle that with grace and dignity.

So that ended. And now almost a year after it ended, on our end, we've mostly healed, we're doing really well. In the time since we started our journey, I've not been in another relationship other than my marriage. I haven't found anyone that I want to be with, that I want to put my energy into, but I have made a lot of great friends.

So now, when I think about me being "poly" I wonder how it will fit with my life, and how I will make time for it. Then I realized, through derby, that if the right person came along and I was open to it, it would just happen. I would just make it happen.

So maybe monogamish is more of a fit than poly or monogamous. Or maybe I don't need a label at all.

I don't know.

I joined a queer group on facebook. For some, this may be a "yeah, so?" thing, but for me, joining an openly queer group in the town I live in will make people go... wtf? Its an open group on fb. Its not a closed or a secret group.

To close friends, and my husband and people on anonymous boards, I'm openly bisexual. To people who are not in the "know" I live the mainstream, happily married life.

So I've stepped out of my comfort zone.

I'm not going to proof read this - typing has been interrupted with conversation with kids & hubby so it may seem a bit discombobulated and disconnected. I apologize for that :)

[opalescent]

MBG,

Props to you on joining an open queer Facebook group! That is not a small step at all - any step towards coming out (whatever one comes out as) is difficult and feels so hard to the person taking them. Kudos!

[SourGirl]

I've been trying to come to terms with where I am with poly. Am I poly? Am I monogamous? Am I a swinger? Am I open? Where do I fit?



My vote is for the label of : ' Monog-a-bubble-maker-wielding-indoor-tomato-growing-derby-lover-mish'

But, it might sound to simple.

[marksbabygirl]

Monog-a-bubble-maker-wielding-indoor-tomato-growing-derby-lover-mish'

Bet you can't say THAT 5 times fast!!! :p :eek:

[marksbabygirl]

So I'm more than 1/2 in love with someone with whom nothing will ever happen.

There's no way in hell, not a chance on this earth that it will happen as long as current status quo's are maintainted.

But every time we interact, I get butterflies. I get all excited then I get sad because its never going to happen - and I'm *forced* to spend time with him 2X a year (its not a hardship - just somewhat painful) so its not like I can do the out of sight, out of mind, out of heart method of letting go.

Blah.

[marksbabygirl]

Been a long time since I've updated this. Meh, life happens.

One year ago I went on a field trip with my boys. It was supposed to be 2 days of relaxation for hubby, he was supposed to get some down time.

Instead - the woman he was seeing chose THAT time to tell him something that previous experience should have told her would upset him. And I was 5 hours away.

Instead of a fantastic weekend of relaxation for him, and one of me focussed on my boys - I spent several hours talking to him to calm him down.

And then - the weekend from hell. I wrote a poem about it - its on Fetlife.

They broke up a year ago this coming Monday and that was the start of many months of healing for us.

We still haven't stepped back into the world of multiple relationships. He has said he never will - but he wants me to be free/comfortable to.

It has changed our relationship - both for good and bad. The closeness we have found is amazing. Our communication skills are better. 1000X better. But there's an aspect to our relationship that has changed and I want it back.. *sigh*

In my head, I go over and over and over... what could I have done differently to make it all work?

Logically, I know I did the best I could with the resources I had on hand. The only thing I can "logically" see I should have done different was use this board more and let my feelings out here more.

Logically, I know that regardless of what *I* did, there were aspects to THEIR relationship that I found untenable and unworkable for MY relationship.

It doesn't change the fact that I still work through it in my head.

Its been an interesting year. I have made new friends, lost people I thought were friends and discovered I can still be friends with someone I want to be friends with.

[Derbylicious]

Does that mean it's field trip time again this weekend? If you have time while you're here give me a call, maybe we can meet up for coffee. :)

[marksbabygirl]

And the descriptions fit us to a *T*

Ok, so that makes sense.

BUT... now we have a bit of a problem... LOL

HE has a 'needs to be needed' issue, and does things that *I* like because, well, he likes to please.

So he's a bit of a service Top.

I really need/want a Dom.

But part of his personality is that he is rather "posessive" of his loved ones, and doesn't like to share (until you become one of his loved ones... if that makes sense)

So. Found an interesting issue with us - somethinge we'd been sorta skirting around for a while - we just didn't have a "name" or a "descripter" for it.

Now we do.

So now to figure out how to work around this. Because, although I'd probably be totally thrilled to have a Dom, and I most certainly want to explore other relationships.... I love him and really wanted him to be that for me. :cool:

[marksbabygirl]

I had a date last night.

There was this guy I met 7ish years ago on a swingers chat room. We flirted, we talked, we kept in touch, we had coffee once or twice. He's a cowboy, does rodeos and lives in the country. (gonna nickname him Cowboy)

Nothing happened. I never met his wife, and I wouldn't go there without meeting or talking to her.

Then I moved away.

We kept in sporadic touch. We chatted on facebook, msn occasionally.

So this week I had a conference in North Vancouver. Overnight, by myself.

He's in Vancouver - his mom's in the hospital.

And we agreed to meet. I figured, no big deal, coffee, we can chat, etc.... my intent was to email his wife before... but life got in the way and I didn't.

So he's in my hotel room, we're chatting, flirty, but harmless and nothing *I* would feel guilty about if his wife were to find out. It occurred to me.... hey! I have internet!! I'll just email her now!!

"Your husband is in my hotel room, is that ok with you? Hi btw, nice to meet you!"

The reply I got... "It depends"

Banter back and forth happens between the wife and him.

I finally found out what the 'depends' was... an iPad. :p He'd already bought her one - so it was really just happy marital banter... but in the end I got direct confirmation from her that yeah, it was ok and it was all good between them.

The conversations between us had always been sexual in nature, but I had a realization (before he showed up) that I really wasn't into the swinging, casual sex without a connection thing.

So we talked. About everything. And we connected. Mentally, physically, constantly touching, him massaging, getting to know each other, not wanting him to leave. He showed up at my hotel at 9pm, left at 1am. We talked, touched, and connected for 4 hours.

This morning, I was all giddy. I've been walking on air....

I had a date last night.... :D

[SourGirl]

Watch out for them rodeo people eh ? :p

Rednecks, hicks. Beware ! :cool:

In all seriousness, I am so happy for you ! You deserve a nice time. :)

[marksbabygirl]

Wondering... if I had another partner right now, would they be a source of comfort or totally neglected because I'm so consumed by what's going on with my husband?

Or a bit of both?