Peace and joy and love [Archive] - Polyamory.com Forum

Derbylicious

12-01-2010, 07:51 PM

Welcome to my new blog. The old one with the nervous title just doesn't seem fitting anymore. These days peace, joy and love seem like a much more apt way to describe the way I'm feeling. I'm coming to the end of quite a turbulent year. This time last year I don't think that I could have comprehended how different I would be on the inside by now.

To the outside observer my life looks very much the same but internally I have really cemented who I am and what I want out of my life. I've come to the realization that everyone deserves to be happy. The more people are happy the more of that happiness comes back to us.

I've come to see my husband's girlfriend as a gift to our relationship. Before her I had the fear that I wasn't good enough and that he was just settling for me until something better came along that he really wanted. Although the 2 of them have more in common on the surface than he and I do we have a history and we understand each other. It's kind of nice that he has someone to talk to who is into some of the same things he is in a way that I'm not. I also know now without a doubt that he loves me for me and genuinely wants to be with me.

I'm really also enjoying being a part of RP's world. She's an amazing woman and her energy draws really good people to her. I know there are times when she doesn't know where she fits in the larger poly community but I see her as someone who is holding a part of the community together. She doesn't hesitate to reach out to those who are struggling. She notices when people are in need of that emotional support and doesn't hesitate to give it. There is a diversity in our community, as in any poly community, of how people practice poly. I think that we're all pretty essential to show all the different facets of what living this life can be.

I had this fear early on that openly having other partners would screw up the kids somehow. They just take it in stride. My daughter (who's 4) understands it as "some of our friends are more like family". To me that is a beautiful statement. We're doing something right here if that's the way she feels. My son (who's 6) really couldn't care a less about what his parents do as long as they're still paying attention to him! (although for the record I'm not allowed to shave my head like Mono because it would freak him out).:D

So much to look forward to. Life is good (which is rare for me to say in the middle of winter).

peace and joy and love to all

-Derby

MonoVCPHG

12-01-2010, 08:44 PM

(although for the record I'm not allowed to shave my head like Mono because it would freak him out).:D

So much to look forward to. Life is good (which is rare for me to say in the middle of winter).

peace and joy and love to all

-Derby

Great post...but I think a little baldness goes a long way sometimes...errrr, that didn't sound right ;)

Derbylicious

12-01-2010, 09:18 PM

What does baldness go a long way towards???:confused:

Passport

12-01-2010, 09:24 PM

What a nice start to a new blog.

I love your daughter's way of looking at things. Kids are awesome in their way of adapting and adjusting.

MonoVCPHG

12-01-2010, 09:43 PM

What does baldness go a long way towards???:confused:

ummmmm...never mind :o

Derbylicious

12-06-2010, 10:57 PM

I was joking the other day on facebook about liking telepathy as my favourite method of communication. It struck me just now that although I was only joking there are times that my needs aren't met simply because I don't put my needs out there to those who I need things from. Somewhere deep in my brain is the belief that "if they really loved me they would know what I need". And then there is the other thought of "if I don't tell them what I need I can't be turned down".

Putting your needs out there does put you in a vulnerable position. I don't like to think that I have needs that I can't take care of all by myself. Admitting that you have needs and desires and wants puts you in the position of being laughed at or rejected.

It's silly that all of this has just occurred to me. From this point forward I'm going to take a deep breath and allow myself to have needs and to give those I love the opportunity to fulfil those needs. (There isn't anything specific right at this moment...my brain has just been processing).

SNeacail

12-06-2010, 11:26 PM

This hits very close to home for me. My husband is big on Non-Verbal communication, my problem is that I don't read his non-verbal very well or my inter-galactic translator is malfunctioning :eek:

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying "This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered."

Derbylicious

12-06-2010, 11:30 PM

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying "This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered."

That's awesome!

Derbylicious

12-11-2010, 03:34 PM

We had a talk at our last poly meeting about communication and the ways in which one can chose to react to a situation. One of the things that was mentioned was denial. Well apparently I'm really good at denying something is bothering me. It all leaked out last night though.

There's something that my husband told his girlfriend months ago, before I had even met her, that concerns me and that I'm really really not proud of. The information that was shared could have some pretty severe repercussions to me if it was to make it into the hands of the wrong people. I readily admit that I made a choice and that it was the wrong choice but the knowledge of the choice that I made should have been mine to share with who I trust.

Well last night I discovered that I really wasn't over that breech of trust. There's something that I know is a secret of hers that he won't tell me. To me it seemed that my secrets were less important and were free game to be casually shared. He's right that it doesn't solve anything for him to tell me her stuff. So I've asked him to talk to her about the breech of trust and to make it clear that this is something that he shouldn't have shared with her without consulting with me first because it wasn't just his to share. I guess I need public aknowledgement that even though it might not seem like a big thing to either of them that it's huge to me.

I don't trust people easially. There aren't many out there that know stuff about me that they can hurt me with. I object to those I've never met and who I've not been given any choice in the matter being given that kind of information. Then again even if I know someone unless it's something that I'd tell them myself because I have that level of trust with them it's not something I want shared by someone else who I have trust in to keep my confidences.

I don't like fighting and I really don't like fighting about old stuff that should have been put to rest a long time ago. I didn't know that it was still bothering me until last night. I hope that I don't have a bunch of other stuff that's in there just waiting to come out. I'm exauseted from last night and I'm still feeling really fragile. I wish that I didn't pick fights it makes me feel like a bad person (I know that's not a feeling). I don't express myself rationally and I end up saying a bunch of stuff that I really don't mean. I wish that it didn't take me so long to get to the actual problem. If I could get there right away then I could do away with all the extraneous hurtful bullshit that I spew.

So now we have a solution to the actual problem but I don't know if I've caused more damage in the process. I need to learn to think before I speak. Once I'm in the heat of it I find that really hard to do. It would even be nice just to be able to recognize the root cause of the argument earlier on. I'm not getting anywhere going over this over and over in my head anymore. Time to get on with the day now.

(so much for peace and joy and love huh?)

Ariakas

12-11-2010, 04:40 PM

(so much for peace and joy and love huh?)

It's still a goal for your relationship(s) right ;)...:p

Relationships take work, and trust takes even more. Bumps in the road should be expected. Intra-relationship discretion is something at the forefront of my thoughts right now too, and your post is an example of that.

I have been doing a lot of consideration of what it means and how to truly navigate what is being discreet or secretive vs giving out to much information. It is so personal to each person that a single answer just can't work. Relying on your spouse to know what should be private between you and him is a tough balance. You would hope a spouse would know what should be "private" but it just doesn't happen that way. My lovers and I have had discussions about what is open for discussion and what isn't. It never quite covers a large enough scope.

Sorry no real sage advice. But I can understand and relate :)

((hugs))

Derbylicious

12-11-2010, 04:53 PM

Thanks Ari.

I did very specifically go over a buch of other things that I don't want talked about with anyone else just so that hopefully this kind of thing can be avoided in the future. I've also asked that if he feels at all like it might be bordering on something that may be an issue for me that he asks me before discussing it with anyone else first.

It is challenging to know where the line is between what is ours to share and what belongs to someone else, especially when the last 17 years of your lives have been spent together. There is a lot of overlap and shared experiences, some of which have a more personal spin on them to each of us than others. So when do I get those mind reading abilities???

Ariakas

12-11-2010, 05:11 PM

It is challenging to know where the line is between what is ours to share and what belongs to someone else, especially when the last 17 years of your lives have been spent together. There is a lot of overlap and shared experiences, some of which have a more personal spin on them to each of us than others.

Another point to shared stories, his version of the story from his viewpoint may be very different from yours. Another reason why some shared stories require more discretion or at the very least, any creative elaboration

So when do I get those mind reading abilities???

I will let you know when I am done buildign the first teleporter. :) I figure it will happen around the same time :p

marksbabygirl

12-11-2010, 06:22 PM

Derbylicious

12-16-2010, 10:25 PM

Today is a good day. I met RP for coffee (while playing hooky from work). Tomorrow I leave for a week for Christmas. Nothing is getting done at work. I'm in holiday mode already. Tomorrow I have a meeting to run and that's probably all I'm going to do other than warm my chair.

Once we get home new years party planning will be underway! I'm pretty excited about having a new year's party. 2010 has had it's ups and downs, I'm looking forward to celebrating the close of this year and all it's brought and also welcoming the new year with all it's potential.

That's the same reason that I love Fridays...the whole weekend is in front of you filled with sparkly potential. As much as I enjoy living in the present I also love to get caught up in the dream of what could be.

redpepper

12-17-2010, 08:33 AM

I've been reading, and wanted to sign on to your thread Derby... nothing to report... just stalking ;) I know how too you know... not just you.

Fidelia

12-17-2010, 01:32 PM

There's something that my husband told his girlfriend months ago, before I had even met her, that concerns me and that I'm really really not proud of. The information that was shared could have some pretty severe repercussions to me if it was to make it into the hands of the wrong people. I readily admit that I made a choice and that it was the wrong choice but the knowledge of the choice that I made should have been mine to share with who I trust.

I'm with you on this point, Derby. Confidentiality and discretion are issues Fidelio and I take very much to heart, and even so we faced some pretty big challenges working out clear boundaries around who/what/how to share or protect information.

Derbylicious

12-17-2010, 01:56 PM

I've been reading, and wanted to sign on to your thread Derby... nothing to report... just stalking ;) I know how too you know... not just you.

And we both stalk so subtlely!:D

redpepper

12-18-2010, 09:12 PM

And we both stalk so subtlely!:D
heh, don't we though?:D

Derbylicious

12-19-2010, 06:07 AM

Well I made it to Calgary in one piece. The trip was interesting as usual. Nothing like a 10 hour car ride to do a lot of talking. I'm pooped now. I've only had about 4 hours sleep since yesterday morning. Hopefully I'll get some time to write tomorrow a little about our conversations.

BrigidsDaughter

12-20-2010, 05:11 AM

This hits very close to home for me. My husband is big on Non-Verbal communication, my problem is that I don't read his non-verbal very well or my inter-galactic translator is malfunctioning :eek:

I just ran this by the b/f and asked why I didn't come equipped with one of these and he replied "You were, but you probably swallowed it. You swallow everything. :P" LOL. But seriously, I could use one of those to communicate with my husband too. I wish that he could get inside my head and understand me the way the b/f does.

I will let you know when I am done buildign the first teleporter. :) I figure it will happen around the same time :p

Let me know when you've perfected that.....we've been wanting a teleporter for at least a year now. Our other halves don't have access to reliable transportation and we only have one car, so it makes getting together for quality alone time difficult.

Good luck with the communication/ boundaries issue. I'm dealing with it a bit myself. My hubby is a voyeur and when I was younger I was more of an exhibitionist than I am now, so he always wants to know more details than I want to share about my sexual exploits with the boyfriend when he's not there.

Derbylicious

12-20-2010, 09:57 PM

So as promised here's a bit of a synopsis of what 10 hours in a car with someone will bring you in the way of conversation.

We spoke a lot about the rights that secondaries have in structuring their relationships. My husband's girlfriend has a crush on someone and has gone on a date with this fellow. He happens to be someone who is involved with a lot of the women in the community to one degree or another. I was wondering if my husband had any concerns about it since previous discussions with his girlfriend had led him to believe that there wouldn't be anyone new coming on the scene any time soon. He was wondering if he had any say in it at all since he's her secondary partner. My advice was that he needs to talk to her about any concerns that he has about it and that being secondary doesn't mean that you don't get to have feelings and oppinions about what your partner does. She needs to know how he's feeling as well. It doesn't mean that she has to change her actions but she derserves to be able to make desisions with all the information available to her.

We also talked about what my husband considers dates. He feels that RP and I don't go on dates often enough. I've told him that I'm happy with the amount of time we see each other and just because he doesn't consider some of what we do dates doesn't make it any less meaningful to me. Although we do struggle to find alone time to spend with each other.

Then we had a big long talk about my best friend out here and having to see her with her new man who I don't care for much. Tonight is the night that we see them. I'm mentally prepared to leave if I have to. From what I know of him, he has very little respect for women and that's not going to fly with me. I'm at the point of being willing to let go of the friendship if it comes to that.

Time for a snooze before heading back to the stores for more shopping. It's cold here, glad for a warm bed to snuggle into!

redpepper

12-21-2010, 03:41 AM

missing you sweets, but really I'm a total nightmare right now, so it's just as well you are away. I actually thought I would see if you could met for coffee tomorrow. Opps :o

Derbylicious

12-21-2010, 06:26 AM

Coffee might be a bit of a stretch, even half way is a 5 hour trip. I miss you too Love, I'll be home soon though xoxox

Derbylicious

12-26-2010, 07:12 AM

It's been a good Christmas. The weather here has improved greatly. We were out this afternoon making snowmen and having snowball fights. The kids were so excited to give the presents that they had made out. They seemed much more interested in giving presents than getting presents. (Although the toy puppy that walks and talks and the giant playmobile castle were greatly appreciated...thank you grandma and grandpa).

Tomorrow my sister and brother arrive and I get to spend a day with them before starting our trek back home. As always it will be sad to leave but nice to be back home again. I feel a little like I have a split life (and have since I moved to a new city). It gets harder and harder to come back and there are still pangs about leaving too.

Once we're home the planning is on for our annual new years party. We're going to have to work out a signature drink for this year. Last year we did jello shooters and I think the consensus was that the cherry ones tasted like cough syrup. :P

I miss RP. I haven't been able to talk to her much at all this week. I've been spending all my time visiting with family and old friends. Just a couple more days and all will be back to normal again.

Merry Christmas everyone.

-Derby

Fidelia

12-26-2010, 02:42 PM

It's been a good Christmas. The weather here has improved greatly. We were out this afternoon making snowmen and having snowball fights. The kids were so excited to give the presents that they had made out. They seemed much more interested in giving presents than getting presents. (Although the toy puppy that walks and talks and the giant playmobile castle were greatly appreciated...thank you grandma and grandpa). Wow, Derby, that sounds like a picture-PERFECT Christmas! I'm glad for y'all.

Once we're home the planning is on for our annual new years party. We're going to have to work out a signature drink for this year. Last year we did jello shooters and I think the consensus was that the cherry ones tasted like cough syrup. :P
If Dr. Pepper is available where y'all live, try it hot with lemon and rum. Easy, fun, and yummy! Just don't add TOO much rum, or you'll have more cough syrup! :-P Plus, you can have sugar-free on hand for the folks who are watching the sugar/calories.

TruckerPete

12-26-2010, 04:05 PM

Merry Christmas, Derby. :)

Derbylicious

12-26-2010, 06:19 PM

If Dr. Pepper is available where y'all live, try it hot with lemon and rum. Easy, fun, and yummy! Just don't add TOO much rum, or you'll have more cough syrup! :-P Plus, you can have sugar-free on hand for the folks who are watching the sugar/calories.

No one's supposed to be watching sugar and calories until the first! :D (Therefore no diet Dr. Pepper until after midnight).

Fidelia

12-26-2010, 08:40 PM

I'm always watching my sugar intake, so it's always diet for me, when possible. ;)

redpepper

12-26-2010, 10:31 PM

Mohegan

12-26-2010, 11:22 PM

Going with the Dr Pepper theme- My drink of choice is Dr pepper with Vanila vodka. You choose how much ;) Tastes like cake batter.

Derbylicious

12-26-2010, 11:58 PM

I got a martini book for Christmas and a shaker. How about something from there? Our friend mutual friend from the women's group fed me a choclate martini, YUM. So good! But dangerous for me as its vodka. Still, worth a try.

Those are good, as are apple martinis and crantinis. I also had a coffee flavoured one once which was awesome.

Going with the Dr Pepper theme- My drink of choice is Dr pepper with Vanila vodka. You choose how much ;) Tastes like cake batter.

That sounds good too!

Derbylicious

01-05-2011, 11:28 PM

Since nothing else is getting checked off my to do list today I may as well write a bit. Christmas was a bit of a whirlwind. Did some travelling, saw some family and old friends. As usual with these trips it was bittersweet. Going back to my home town reminds me of who I was and I know that I wouldn't be able to just go back to that life. It was a much simpler life, the one everyone expects you to have, the one people back home are still living. I briefly had the thought that I'd like it back. I'd much rather be me though, not just coasting through life doing what everyone expects. I'm happier since I've moved here and learnt so much more about who I am and what I want out of relationship, both friendship and romantic.

There was also the thought of this may be one of the last drama free times I have with my family. Since I'm not hiding anymore and have decided to answer any questions I get honestly at some point my being poly and bi is going to come out. There's an uncertainty of who is going to be accepting and who isn't. And that's just something that you can't know until it comes out (although I have my suspicions).

I'm just glad to be back home. I have a date night set for next week with RP. It's been a while, sometimes life just sneaks up on you! I'm very much looking forward to reconnecting.

I've been realizing lately that I have absolutely no idea what the status is with my husband and his girlfriend. I know that he hasn't seen her in quite a while. Yet again maybe it's just life getting in the way.

eklctc

01-08-2011, 04:32 AM

Glad you had a nice visit home. Upcoming dates are always exciting!

lovinhimloviner

01-11-2011, 06:00 AM

This hits very close to home for me. My husband is big on Non-Verbal communication, my problem is that I don't read his non-verbal very well or my inter-galactic translator is malfunctioning :eek:

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying "This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered."

lmao I am so going to do this.

Derbylicious

01-11-2011, 07:39 PM

I'm working on getting my competitive streak under control. Not everything has to be about having the most or being first. Am I happy with what I have in my life? Yes, absolutely. Do I honestly have the time/energy/effort to put into another relationship? No I don't. Which leaves me wondering why I feel the desire to be pursued. Is it just because others around me are being pursued?

Sometimes I feel all messed up in the head. On one hand I really want to know that I'm attractive and that there are people who want to be with me (regardless of if I want to be with them or not). And on the other hand if I'm approached by anyone where anytime in the first few meetings anything sexual is brought up I feel like all I am is a body to them and I write them off right away.

It's time to stop looking at what others have again and start to focus on what I have. I'm happy and satisfied with where I am and who I am, the rest of it just doesn't matter.

LovingRadiance

01-11-2011, 10:34 PM

TruckerPete

01-11-2011, 11:25 PM

On a side note-I'd be happy to tell you how beautiful you are while I'm visiting-and even though I'm bi-I don't want sex, so you can enjoy the attention without the concern that I want you for your body.

:D

I'll selflessly volunteer to be the relative stranger who lusts after your body (need pictures please) and then you'll have the best of both worlds! :)

Derbylicious

01-11-2011, 11:27 PM

I'll selflessly volunteer to be the relative stranger who lusts after your body (need pictures please) and then you'll have the best of both worlds! :)

You're on my Facebook, lots of pics there!

TruckerPete

01-11-2011, 11:40 PM

You're on my Facebook, lots of pics there!

*scrattles off to FB stalk Derby and ignore the person behind the pictures*

LovingRadiance

01-12-2011, 12:34 AM

hehehe, there you go Derby-all your problems solved in the blink of an....... "oh damn that was hot"... I mean eye!

;)

redpepper

01-12-2011, 12:39 AM

I've been feeling a bit like that too. I decided to chalk it up to post Christmas blues, nothing major to look forward to and the blah routine same old that is going on day after day. I'm so looking forward to our date Thursday. That makes such a difference to me; dinner, drinks and some good conversation. As well as some smooching ;)

redpepper

01-12-2011, 12:45 AM

I often wonder what attention I would get if I were single and poly. If I were available for more than just a heart connection. Unfortunately the no sex thing isn't that appealing and I won't find out who is attracted sexually/romantically because of that. Then again, if they are only attracted because it could go there, then I don't want them anyways. Really there aren't many that are thrilled just at the thought of hanging out with me. Ah well, its not that I complain, just that I notice.

You are an absolute joy to me derby, sex or no sex (sex is infrequent for us, in case you hadn't noticed...and I still want to hang out with you ;).

Derbylicious

01-12-2011, 01:18 AM

You are an absolute joy to me derby, sex or no sex (sex is infrequent for us, in case you hadn't noticed...and I still want to hang out with you ;).

Thank you Mrs RP...you've put a smile on my face (which isn't an unusual occurance btw).

LovingRadiance

01-12-2011, 06:34 PM

seriously?

I haven't a clue why sex is such a big deal.

I've never had an issue "making friends" and having people who WANT to spend time with me, and I'm quite vocal about the fact that I'm simply not available for sex....

:confused:

Jodi

01-12-2011, 07:45 PM

hi derby, i really think that poly lifestyle is good for children to be a part of. they can become more openminded and accepting of lifestyles other than the traditional man and wife only married till death do they part.

and i'm glad that i know now that there are others who live this way.

LovingRadiance

01-12-2011, 08:18 PM

Jodi

01-12-2011, 08:38 PM

thanks loving radiance. since we are not very open about our situation, i'm not around others who are in this lifestyle, which is why it's nice tobe on forums like this. hv a good night.

lovinhimloviner

01-15-2011, 01:18 AM

sounds like the same basic struggle that Maca is dealing with.
He has this real issue with wanting to "have someone too". Ironically-he's got girls chasing him around corners, but he doesn't see that as being comparable to me not having guys chasing me around the corners (I don't go anywhere TO get chased). He figures if I went somewhere, they'd be chasing so it's the same.
But-it bothers him that I have GG and he has "no one".

At the same time, everytime "someone" comes along who MIGHT be able to become "another one" over time..... he rushes into sex and then gets rid of them because "they only want me for sex."........

I keep tilting my head in curiosity. I can't understand why he can't just enjoy meeting people, getting to know them as people and then see what happens OVER TIME.

I met GG April 9th, 1993.
We spent 3-5 days a week together outside of work, and we worked together 5 days a week....

It was summer of 1995 before things took a turn towards sex.
That was a one time moment.

We continued to be friends and remain in close contact for years. It was 2001 or 2002 before our relationship turned romantic/sexual.

Seriously, that time of building a friendship IS the reason we're in love with each other (and not in lust).... because we fell in love with the deeper parts of who we are.

Ok-that wasn't meant to be a rant Derby.

On a side note-I'd be happy to tell you how beautiful you are while I'm visiting-and even though I'm bi-I don't want sex, so you can enjoy the attention without the concern that I want you for your body.

:D

I worry about this my self. Seeing my husband with with his GF makes me feel wonderful but I often think about having someone else too. I don't really have anyone in mind and I am not actively looking. I worry about my husband and who he will deal with it. Up until he met his GF we had been swingers. This is really new to both of us but we are doing our research and readying other people's stories. We both feel like not only does this life make sense to us but we think it would be a great fit for our life. I worry that just because his head tells him it is ok I don't know if his feelings will agree.
I don't want to rush into anything I don't even do that when it is just sex. I defiantly can't rush into something when our feelings are involved. I see how happy H and his GF are and how happy H and I are and I want to share that with someone else.

Sorry it is so long and random. Just been thinking about this lately.

Derbylicious

01-19-2011, 10:04 PM

I was having a bit of a panic earlier this week. I have a little book that I have been writing stuff in that I really don't want falling into the wrong hands. I had put it somewhere safe and it was so safe that I couldn't find it either. I found it yesterday so my fears that it might have walked off at the new years party were put to rest. I think in the future I'll just keep it in the same spot so that I know where it is.

On top of that my daughter asked me the other day why her dad has a girlfriend. The only answer I could come up with is "why not". I don't know how she is understanding gilrfriend. She is only 4. Neither set of parents know that we are poly and I figure eventually it's going to be the kids who out us since we don't live in secret around them.

So it's been a week of examining what it means to me if my secrets become public. I don't know how ready I am to face it head on. I don't know if I'm brave enough. On the other side of it I wonder if it would just be easier to be out to everyone and get it over with and know where who I really am stands with people. I know that once I do come out that I can't take it back so I'm still weighing the pros and cons. I'm not ready for the potential drama yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be 100%. All I know is that I'm ready to be honest if confronted with questions.

LovingRadiance

01-19-2011, 11:22 PM

The only answer I could come up with is "why not". I don't know how she is understanding gilrfriend.

I love that answer Derby.
Kids are so.... basic and simple.
They tend to accept that if there isn't a reason NOT then it's no big deal, in MUCH of their lives. ;)

I think that was an awesome answer.

I understand that still brings some work up for you with considerations of how to deal with the issues that will arise when it "all comes out", because kids do accept, and then they don't see the big deal about sharing what they know/feel. So, it will come up.

But-that's ok, it was still a WONDERFUL answer and I think that when the time comes, you will find that you have another wonderful answer too. ;)

I can't wait to meet you!

SNeacail

01-20-2011, 12:31 AM

I understand that still brings some work up for you with considerations of how to deal with the issues that will arise when it "all comes out", because kids do accept, and then they don't see the big deal about sharing what they know/feel. So, it will come up.

I would actually love to hear what Spicy Pea's view is on that, since she has lived it as a teenager.

LovingRadiance

01-20-2011, 12:36 AM

Feel free to email me a "question" email for her-and I'll forward it to her to respond to.

Most of all, she doesn't care. She's always known her whole life that I believe STRONGLY in people having a right to live their life anyway they want.

My ex-girlfriend had a motto she said all of the time (when Spicy was little) "if two people share love, who cares about the details as long as it's love, it's a good thing".

;)

Derbylicious

01-20-2011, 08:40 PM

I haven't been sleeping well this week. I haven't completely nailed down the reason yet. Someone I worked with passed away last week and she is also a community member in the community where I work. The family are in a state of crisis. I'm having some guilt over looking for a new job. The thing is that this community will never be without crisis and it will never be a good time to move on. I need to move on to a position where I'm feeling like I can make a difference again.

I also worry about keeping my husband awake as I'm falling asleep. As I'm falling asleep my body twitches and he's commented on it more than once. So if he comes to bed as I'm drifting off I tend to worry that if I let myself sleep I'll keep him awake.

And then there's been the what if worries about coming out. With my book going missing and my daughter's comment on the weekend it's been on my mind a lot. Some of the stuff I'm facing is kind of a coming out to myself (which is a little bit scary in and of it's self).

I sent a message to my husband's girlfriend yesterday to see if she would like to get together and to get to know one another better as I know I've made a pretty lousy impression on her. I'm on edge waiting to hear back. I guess I'm kind of expecting the worst there. Although I am hopeful that she'll give me the chance to be who I am when I'm not feeling all fearful and threatened.

Maybe I can just blame the full moon, if there is one at the moment. Things will settle in me again, right now I'm just feeling stirred up.

SNeacail

01-20-2011, 09:02 PM

As I'm falling asleep my body twitches and he's commented on it more than once. So if he comes to bed as I'm drifting off I tend to worry that if I let myself sleep I'll keep him awake.

Both my husband and I do this to some extent. He has never said anything, but I sometimes wake myself up:p. I find that when my husband does this, it helps to cuddle up next to him and drape my arms and legs over him and he settles right down.

LovingRadiance

01-20-2011, 09:35 PM

I do that too.
GG says it helps to just caress me or touch me and then I just calm right now. Maca says he just holds me tight and I calm down.

redpepper

01-20-2011, 10:10 PM

Derbylicious

01-20-2011, 10:57 PM

The lack of sleep could be a lot of things; time of year, relationships, kids, job, death, losing your book (I'm glad you found it btw!). I decided to look on my troubles more wholistically and not take one thing and microscopically disect it. It seems to be working for me, maybe it will for you.

I work things though by dissecting them. I talk things through and write about them and then eventually I can let them go. It's all just part of the process. This too shall pass. I'm don't suffer from insomnia all that often, usually I'm asleep the second my head hits the pillow :)

I don't know what makes you think you left a bad impression with the gf. She hasn't reached out to you and does poly very differently to you it seems. I think she just is kind of doing her own thing no? She likley doesn't think of you at all except in terms of when she can spend time with your husband. Some people just aren't all that interested in strong friendships with their metamours.

It's just kind of weird for me to be friends with her primary and share a partner with her and not have a friendship with her too. Why I think I haven't made a good impression is because there have been times when I have most definitely had my grumpy pants on when she's been around. The walls have been up with her in the past. I wasn't ready to just let her in as a friend just because my husband likes her. I think maybe I was subconsciously wanting her to put the effort in with me. I've also made a lot of assumptions about the way she does things, especially since I haven't really sat down and talked with her about it.

The two of you are so different, I'm not sure why pursuing anything more is such a priority. Is it because you want a family type of poly? If so then I think, from what I know, she isn't your gal. Your hubby needs to find one that is ;) just kidding! Of course I haven't stepped up to the plate. Maybe you need another partner too? :D

Hubby really doesn't need to find someone else. He and his gf are well suited for each other. As for family type poly I think what I want is people around me who I'm comfortable with and who feel like family. I don't want to live with more people (heck I wouldn't mind living alone lol). I don't need another partner. I'm tickled pink with the 2 I have. At the very least I wouldn't have the time to build something with anyone else without something else having to give.

Derbylicious

01-21-2011, 10:22 PM

So things are looking better today. I had a sleep and I think it helped to get some things off my chest here. I really am just a big worrywart sometimes. I'm happy it's Friday. I'm taking my little girl out for girl time this evening. I haven't decided what we're going to do yet but it's so rare to have one on one time with either child that I'm really looking forward to it.

Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with my best friend for the day and we're going to have an un-birthday celebration (as it seems like something fun and cheap to do with the kids). Then it's off glow bowling! I love Fridays, the whole weekend is just layed out in front of me full of sparkly possibility.

Derbylicious

01-23-2011, 04:51 PM

I had a dream last night where someone I know in the community wrote a poly article for some on line source and included pictures. Some of the pictures were of me and they were put there without my knowledge or permission. I got really angry about it and said that I didn't want things out there about me without my permission. This person told me that it was just better this way that everyone know. I told them that it wasn't their desision to make.

Last night was great fun. Dinner and bowling. I got to talk to some people who I don't talk to often which was a nice change of pace. I like that there are events like this who are appealing to a different group of people who sometimes aren't all together comfortable at some of the other events that come up. I liked that there were less people and I was able to just be (which for me means being a little silly).

I also saw my best friend during the day yesterday. Her new years resolution is to make more time for friends and family. For the last year she's been all caught up in a new relationship and hasn't had time for anyone else. We did some baking and took the kids to the park. It was really nice and relaxed.

MonoVCPHG

01-23-2011, 05:37 PM

I had a dream last night where someone I know in the community wrote a poly article for some on line source and included pictures.

Booooooo creepy dreams :mad:

Last night was great fun.

Yaaaayyyyy great fun :D ............and beer

Derbylicious

01-24-2011, 09:53 PM

Hey my blog has a rating...who knew?

Vulnerability has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a hard time showing my vulnerable side to a lot of people. I don't want people to think that I'm in some way weak, but I'm coming to realize that it's not weakness that I'm hiding but rather my humanity.

I have a fear that people, especially those who I don't know or don't know well will think less of me if I'm not perfect. The thing is that the people who's company I most enjoy are people who are authentically who they are and who aren't afraid to be that person.

I'm human I make mistakes, some of them big ones. But on the other hand I can also be the person to make that little bit of a change in someone's world to make their life just that little bit better. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Even though I'm not all good all the time doesn't take away from the good that I do do.

My best friend's partner has gained respect from me by being who she is and telling me what her fears were about me. It took a lot of courage for her to speak to me about it but the end result is absolutely positive. I'm going to try to remember that when I'm afraid of rejection or not being good enough when I'm talking to someone.

By being human you allow others to be human too. The more we open ourselves up and are vulnerable to each other the more we will be able to see ourselves in others and embrace the imperfection of being human. No more striving to be and appear perfect when being perfectly imperfect will suffice.

Mohegan

01-24-2011, 11:23 PM

Ironic, this was one of the many topics Karma and I covered last night. I don't like showing vulnerabilities for the same reason. I don't mind with him, or my family, basicaly people that really know me. But I have huge issue with people I don't know well seeing them, or worse hearing about them through others. I find what you say about it making us human very interesting, I have a feeling I be doing some thinking on that.

Myzka

01-24-2011, 11:26 PM

Hey Derby!
Have you heard of TED talks? There is one on vulnerability, it's quite interesting, I can find it for you if you'd like :)

Derbylicious

01-24-2011, 11:29 PM

Hey Derby!
Have you heard of TED talks? There is one on vulnerability, it's quite interesting, I can find it for you if you'd like :)

That's one of the things that set the theme for the week :D

Myzka

01-24-2011, 11:34 PM

That's one of the things that set the theme for the week :D

haha awesome :)

it was interesting to hear the bit where she said (I cannot remember her name :confused:) that the moment we numb the "bad" feelings, we numb everything else (joy for example), as there is no way to avoid/block/pretend-they-don't-exist selectively.

Derbylicious

01-24-2011, 11:38 PM

haha awesome :)

it was interesting to hear the bit where she said (I cannot remember her name :confused:) that the moment we numb the "bad" feelings, we numb everything else (joy for example), as there is no way to avoid/block/pretend-they-don't-exist selectively.

Yep, I had that on antidepressants. I needed them to function at the time when I was on them, 2 small kids to care for and a husband who was away. I'm glad to be off them now and to be able to feel emotion again.

dingedheart

01-24-2011, 11:46 PM

Derbylicious

01-24-2011, 11:51 PM

As for being very young, not so much. I'm in my mid 30's (which admittedly isn't ancient by any stretch of the imagination...but I wouldn't go so far as to think of it as very young either). The wanting to be perfect isn't about my appearance. I really don't put a lot of effort in in that department. It's more about being perceived as nice and good and outgoing as well as I have this expectation of myself that I should be able to have a full time job, raise kids, do derby and still be able to keep an immaculate house.

TruckerPete

01-25-2011, 02:40 AM

Derbylicious

02-01-2011, 06:05 PM

Sometimes it seems that in a small poly community that there are tidbits of not entirely accurate information that get out and are presented as fact to the community at large. Usually it’s about who is seeing/dating/sleeping with who. Unfortunately spreading these things as facts can lead to trouble in relationships further down the line as when it gets to you, you know that someone somewhere along the line isn’t being entirely truthful. Either someone is instigating the rumour to make themselves rack up the points of how many lovers they have or, worse, there is dishonesty within your tribe.

Neither option is terribly good but the second is most definitely worse. Lying and cheating and betrayal are never ok. I dislike having to question if those around me, who I care about, are being truthful with me. Also if someone within our constellation was to add a new partner (at the moment all the ends are closed) it’s something that I would need to know about so that I can make choices around how I wish to proceed with safe sex (both to protect myself and to protect other partners).

I would caution people about making public relationships where you have only heard from one of the parties who’s involved. It has the potential to cause a lot of unnecessary doubt and drama. It’s better to leave things out that you *think* you know until you have confirmation. What might seem fun and light-hearted to one has the potential to cause a lot of disharmony and pain for others.

redpepper

02-01-2011, 07:58 PM

Oh sweet thing, this whole thing has really been up setting. What someone thinks is playful braggy humour is another persons pain. Your concern for who is being truthful to you is completely valid. It's really hard to trust total strangers that are linked to you by no choice of your own... just circumstance. Such is the trust we have in poly and the sex within it... not to mention the emotional component.

Big hugs to you sweets, it will all work out in the wash. I am keeping faith that what you have been told by all involved is in fact the truth, not because of the relationships because I would hate to see your trust broken.

I was at a party recently and came across some friends in the community. I have heard/seen/suspected all kinds of things and decided that I should just ask what is going on for them in their relationship life. I also said that they didn't have to tell me but as I had heard stuff I wanted to get the info from them rather than believing the rumour mill.

I was embarrassed to ask, but they were all quick to thank me for asking and made me feel comfortable in asking... it ended up being a bonding moment for us and I left the conversation knowing what was going on. Supporting them in their choices, feeling compersion for them and feeling as if our friendship was deeper. I was so glad I asked.

I asked a question of another women the other night and got a similar response. It has been a really good reminder that if I want to know, I should ask... I hope that now you have asked, you get the same results :)

LovingRadiance

02-01-2011, 07:59 PM

LovingRadiance

02-01-2011, 08:00 PM

I'm interested in those talks you were commenting on in the last page... does anyone have a link?

Derbylicious

02-01-2011, 08:29 PM

Not cool! So very not cool!

I can only imagine if someone started spreading rumors that one of us was "with" someone in the poly-community here what a ruckus and disaster that would be.

Maca is too insecure to just accept "that's b.s. honey". He'd freak. Just freak.

I don't think it was put out there with malicious intent but rather without having all the facts. I have been reassured that things are the way I thought they were but it still sucked to go to that panicky place.

I'm interested in those talks you were commenting on in the last page... does anyone have a link?

youtube TED talks

LovingRadiance

02-01-2011, 09:23 PM

even without malicious intent-it would be a disaster.
You know?

I mean-I would hit that "panicky place" like you mention-but Maca, he just doesn't have the skills yet to get from OMG PANIC and NOT fall over the accusation edge. :(

Derbylicious

02-02-2011, 08:56 PM

An apology to my husband and his girlfriend for my part in the drama of the week:

Everything is feeling very "middle school" this week. It's kind of weird because I've been reading a book on aggression in girls in schools and I see (and am a part of, unfortunately) the same type of tactics even as an adult. I feel like I'm gossipping and trying to get people on my side because I was angry (still am a bit but that's beside the point).

I've caused way more drama in the heat of the moment than was necessary. I've potentially had a part in squelching a romance before it's had the chance to run whatever course it was going to by it's self...and that's not fair to the people involved.

I did overreact with the information that I had at the time. I allowed my emotions and thoughts to get the better of me before I could sit down and talk it out with the people whom I trust. By that point I was already so angry that I just needed to lash out and the shit splatter has been far reaching.

What other people chose to do and say is beyond my control. I need to learn to trust that what *I've* been told is true is in fact the truth. It was very bad of me to doubt that my husband and his gf would have been lying to me. Neither of them have ever given me cause to think that this is the case. I'm done listening to the rumour mill. If something important is happening with those around me I have faith that they will tell me themselves.

MonoVCPHG

02-02-2011, 10:57 PM

Stop being so hard on yourself Derby. Some people don't think before they post stuff/say stuff which is no worse than your reaction. RP should give you a spanking...if your're into that stuff of course ;)

Derbylicious

02-02-2011, 10:58 PM

MonoVCPHG

02-02-2011, 10:59 PM

Well you never know till you try, right? ;):D

Exactly! That's the attitude :D

Derbylicious

02-10-2011, 06:39 PM

The past couple of weeks have been tough. I'm not going through anything myself but I find myself standing by, helpless, as RP and Mono work through their stuff. I understand where they are both coming from and I wish more than anything that I had an easy solution to offer that would just work. I hate that they are sad and hurting and at least, for the moment, there doesn't seem to be an end to the discussions. No one is the bad guy here...just 2 people who have completely different takes on the world and how they need to be in it to be healthy.

Anyone have some magical fairy dust to make it all better?

dingedheart

02-10-2011, 06:56 PM

I offered Advil..... sometimes that an a couple of mojito's can work magic. I think I'm going to take my own advice in a couple hrs... .can't start drinking in the office everyone will be in here fucking around... bad enough I am. I will toast and honor all of you with the sincere hope things work out for all concerned.

Good luck to you and the entire tribe D

LovingRadiance

02-10-2011, 07:47 PM

Anyone have some magical fairy dust to make it all better?

Tinkerbell?
Hugs. I know the feeling. It sucks.

Ariakas

02-11-2011, 12:13 AM

Anyone have some magical fairy dust to make it all better?

Unfortunately this just doesn't exist. Too bad too, I could use a hit myself ;)

Derbylicious

02-11-2011, 12:43 AM

Unfortunately this just doesn't exist. Too bad too, I could use a hit myself ;)

How do you think it works best, snorted, smoked or injected?

Ariakas

02-11-2011, 12:54 AM

How do you think it works best, snorted, smoked or injected?

I always thought it was some tiny chick with a want smacking me in the nose...

so I guess snorted...hahaha

Derbylicious

02-11-2011, 12:56 AM

I always thought it was some tiny chick with a want smacking me in the nose...

so I guess snorted...hahaha

And what want does the tiny chick have? ;):D (I know you meant wand I'm just being funny)

Ariakas

02-11-2011, 02:05 AM

And what want does the tiny chick have? ;):D (I know you meant wand I'm just being funny)

oh jeez. I don't know but I am sure I can't help here hahaha...

her poor want...

Derbylicious

02-11-2011, 04:40 AM

Stay away from those tiny chicks Ari...you'll crush em!:D

Ariakas

02-11-2011, 05:48 AM

Stay away from those tiny chicks Ari...you'll crush em!:D

Tis true...even at my lightest the wee ones might get hurt :D

Derbylicious

02-24-2011, 10:10 PM

I find myself writing the story of what's going on for other people in my head again. C hasn't been spending a lot of time with my husband lately claiming illness. Because of the last relationship I was in this right away triggers a "she's just not that into you" reaction which leads me to feel angry and hurt on my husband's behalf. Chances are she really is sick and doesn't feel up to seeing him but I hate to think that she's stringing him along. He deserves better than that.

I'm also feeling that if she is avoiding him that I'm partly to blame for reacting to the local poly grapevine when my world that I knew was briefly turned on it's head. Maybe she doesn't want to see him because he's attached to me and I'm too much of a drama queen. I don't know in hindsight if I should have just kept my worries to myself until I had settled a bit rather than talking to him about it right away (it was definitely better for my own health and equilibrium to talk about it right away).

I'm really having a hard time biting my tongue and letting things happen as they may. It's not my relationship and if he says he's happy with the way things are who am I to question it?

LovingRadiance

02-24-2011, 10:18 PM

Hugs!

Read much?

I just finished "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie,

addresses just what you are talking about (writing a story in your head).
Helped me a LOT. ;)

Derbylicious

02-24-2011, 10:20 PM

Thanks LR I'll look into it once I'm finished my book on female aggression. If i try to read more than one book at a time they all get jumbled in my head.

LovingRadiance

02-24-2011, 10:21 PM

ME TOO!
one book at a time or I start getting them mixed up and WHEW if they're self-help books that can be a trip!

Derbylicious

03-02-2011, 11:37 PM

***Disclaimer: this isn't a post about poly***

But rather about friendship and acquaintanceship. I think I've been noticing it more recently because of the book on female aggression being below the radar but, for the most part, women really don't know how to talk to each other directly about negative emotions. We have been conditioned to always be "nice" to everyone. In the long run I think it's to our detriment.

I (and a lot of other women) let things fester in a friendship because what made us angry shouldn't be a big deal or wasn't on purpose ect. The problem with reacting like that is that the pressure builds and one day it just all comes out in a less than productive way.

Personally I'd much rather that people are direct with me if I'm doing or have said something that has offended them. That way I can change or explain the behaviour. But at the same time I'm unable (for lack of a better word) to approach others in the same way. Instead I do my best to be "nice" and to form my words and sentences in such a way as to not hurt anyone's feelings. Because things aren't said directly I've been accused of lying to people before when I simply wasn't blunt enough with what I said.

I guess being aware of this trait is a first step to overcoming it. I'm not sure what the next step is though...how does one get from "nice" to "honest' with friends? I find that it's less of a problem in relationships because I have more trust that my honest emotions won't lead to the loss of the relationship, whereas with friends, who knows?

redpepper

03-03-2011, 01:03 AM

Oooookay Derby, what are you not saying? Hmmmmm ;)

Derbylicious

03-03-2011, 02:05 AM

Oooookay Derby, what are you not saying? Hmmmmm ;)

:p All kinds of dirty nasty things ;):p

There's nothing specific on my mind at the moment, it's more just a pattern I've noticed in myself and others. For example my friend back in Calgary who cheated on her husband and told me about it. Even though I was upset and even though I should have said something about it all I've ever done is hinted and bitched about it behiend her back. I should have told her right from the get go that telling me something like that isn't ok and it put me in the position of having to betray one of my friends, either her by telling him what was up or him by keeping my mouth closed. If I had said something at the time chances are there would have been some kind of resolution but instead I still feel angry when I see their posts on facebook to each other. SInce I have the need to be "nice" I haven't been able to say anything to her directly because I'm worried about rocking the boat and losing the friendship. Although ironically harbouring this resentment is far more likely to lead to me wanting to end the friendship.

There are other examples that I've seen of women not being willing to confront things directly. It's just one more of those social programming things to fight against.

SNeacail

03-03-2011, 03:07 AM

I think there is also a conditioning, that women expect to be able to tell other women anything without being repremanded for bad behavior. Sometimes I feel like we are expected to stick up for each other, just because we are women, even if we don't agree with them, usually in bad mouthing their men.

LovingRadiance

03-05-2011, 02:45 AM

For getting started,

When you have something that makes you uncomfortable to say in that arena,
start it with,
"I feel uncomfortable telling you this-but I know honesty is a critical part of a good friendship, so if I word it badly, please bare with me"

Then go for it.

;)

BlackUnicorn

03-06-2011, 01:45 PM

I was asked if women compete with each other relentlessly whenever they get together, trying to establish a pecking order. I think that women get at their bitchiest when they think they are not being listened to. Either that or they start crying.

Point? Ah yes. Women might be better than average in communication, but maybe sometimes we are too paralyzed by our fear of not being listened to/being misunderstood that we prefer to keep our feelings under wraps?

TruckerPete

03-10-2011, 11:06 AM

What if you started with something really small that hurts/bothers you? The example you've given is quite large (cheating wife) and really not a good starting place.

Don't try and run a marathon if jogging around the block tires you out. :)

So, the next time something small and annoying comes up, call the person on it. Don't think about it, wait on it, just do it.

Also, do you have the same problem with men? Just wondering... I know I personally find women much more intimidating. So if you're like me, maybe try calling men on things first, as an easier lead into dealing with women in similar situations.

Derbylicious

03-10-2011, 08:45 PM

For the most part it is easier with men. I think that might be partly because most men will give you honest feedback in a conversation. I tend to know where I stand with them...not always but most of the time.

3 more hours until I get to start heading home. It's been an emotional week being here. PN's dad is dying in the hospital and I'm in another city not able to offer much of anything to PN and RP. Because I'm a caretaker I want to be able to do something, to make things more comfortable.

I've also been talking to some friends, one of whom has a child who is being bullied at school and another one going through some nastyness following a break up of a relationship. More situations that I can't do anything about other than just to listen.

This weekend there's a women's retreat that has been planned that I'm supposed to be going on. I still haven't decided one way or the other if I'm going to go. I need to make a desision by this evening. On one hand I want to be nearby so that I can be there for RP but on the other hand I'm going to be in the way if I do stay at home since my husband has plans with his girlfriend this weekend and it's not fair that my change of plans impacts them. I don't think that if I do go away I'll be able to relax and enjoy the weekend. I have a few more hours to decide and I'll wait until I've had a couple of conversations until I make a desision. I think at the very least I'll be taking my own car so I can get back here if I'm needed.

Mohegan

03-10-2011, 09:57 PM

I think your husband will understand why you aren't going, if that is what you choose to do. But taking your car and having the ability to leave whenver you need/want is also a good plan. I'm a caretaker as well, so for me I probably wouldnt go. I wouldnt be able to relax wondering if people needed me. But on the other hand it may be a good break/refresher before the tough stuff really hits.

I know that wasn't helpful at all. Sorry. One of the things I have been working on lately is my needs/wants. I take other into consideration, but if I needed to stay home to be close to an oso having a rough time, I'd explain to Karma that while I don't want to be in the way or intrude on his time, but this is something I need to do, and while I am sorry it changes plans (something I personaly hate so I can understand), it's what I feel I need to do and I hope he can respect that.

From whatI have heard you say of your husband, I'm pretty sure he'll be understanding.

Derbylicious

03-11-2011, 05:28 AM

So I've decided to stay. I have a need to be here, even if I can't do much if I'm here I can do a little. Every time I thought of going away for the weekend I just ended up upset at the idea. I'm going to be happier here. No point in going away for a relaxing weekend if I can't relax. There will be other weekends after all.

redpepper

03-11-2011, 06:15 AM

Its too bad you aren't going sweets. I'm sorry it didn't work out that I went. I know that there is nothing that either of us can do... it just is, but we were looking forward to it. :(

I don't need any help this weekend other than being able to talk... I know you would be there for me to do that regardless of where you are. You have been all week and I am so grateful.

My lovely metamour and your husband wrote to me and said that he would help out where he could. Have LB come over to play... whatever. I appreciated that very much. I think I will just hunker down with family and just be ready. It is kind of fortunate that I now have nothing going on...

Kisses sweets. :) we shall have another holiday sometime.

Derbylicious

03-18-2011, 06:59 PM

For the most part it's been a fairly crappy week in my world. I'm taking things both at work and at home much more personally than I should. My internal dialogue is all out of whack and is telling me stories that aren't true (or at least wildly reinterpreting what I am being told).

I read something my husband had posted today and instantly went into the "I'm the bad guy" mode. I'm pretty sure that wasn't how it was intended but that's how it felt. I know that a lot of it is about stuff that has happened in the past and I like to think that I've grown but maybe I haven't and I am just petty and selfish and want things my way all the time.

My husband and his girlfriend have been together for a year now and I'm still not in the place of being friends with her. I would like to be but I'm not sure that she's all that interested in being friends (at the very least she doesn't extend the invitation to me). I'm not one to pursue a friendship with someone who doesn't seem all that interested but at the same time she's an important part of my husband's life and since he's an important part of my life by default I'm involved (at least on my end emotionally).

At the beginning of this journey I pictured everyone being friends and close. I'd like to have the same kind of friendship with her as I have with Mono and PN. I'm totally comfortable in their presence and everything is just easy. Things aren't so easy with my husband's girlfriend. I feel the vibe that she's a little frightened of me and the result of that is that I'm very uneasy around her. I don't like feeling that way. I keep being told that I shouldn't worry about it and that I don't have to be friends with her. I just wish I was. I'm friends with her primary partner as well and I just don't get why and how I can be friends with everyone around her but forging a friendship with her has been incredibly difficult.

I had a pretty terrible day at work on Wednesday and I haven't totally recovered from it. The littlest thing is setting me off. I'm glad it's the weekend. I might just go home and have a good cry (again, I had a short one yesterday too). My new job can't come soon enough. When work starts impacting how I feel about myself it's time to move on. I don't want to project how I'm feeling at the moment to the outside world, I don't want to be negative. This afternoon I'm going out to look for the positive.

redpepper

03-18-2011, 11:37 PM

Derbylicious

03-19-2011, 12:07 AM

I find it interesting that you are so concerned about being friends with her... I hear you saying it, but I don't understand... I relate it to me in my dynamic in that I am not all that close with your husband. We talk when we see each other and I always know he is there if I need to talk to him or feel like talking to him, but we just hang really. I don't feel any "vibe" or any concern from him and I hope he doesn't from me either... because there isn't anything there but the acknowledgement that he is in your life... .

I want to be liked. For the most part if someone doesn't really want to spend time with me because we have nothing in common it really doesn't phase me and I just move on. But I think this is one of these "supposed to" instances. Somehow it seems that if we're both in a relationship with the same person we're supposed to like each other. I hate the "supposed to" thing. I put a lot of value on letting things develop with people naturally and yet I feel this internal pressure to make something out of nothing in this case.

I just wonder how much of this you have created. Maybe the "vibe" you are feeling is self created? Maybe she is just into hangin' also? Maybe she wishes you would just leave it be and is hiding from you so that you have no choice but to leave it alone? Maybe she is just content to know you are there and that he loves you and you share a life together and kids etc. and that you are important to him. That's it. You just don't have enough "click" to warrant anything more going on between you at this time. That could change or not... time will tell. I dunno, I think for me it's better to concentrate on who in my life does click than who doesn't and keep the door open for possibility.

I'd just like to know where I stand for sure. I have a really bad internal dialogue which tends to blow things out of proportion, especially when other things aren't going terribly well. I also have a way of imposing situations from my past onto current events. I can very quickly go back to the headspace of the 13 year old girl who didn't fit in.

SNeacail

03-19-2011, 03:08 AM

I know how you feel. It took me years to be comfortable with my husbands NSP/Best Friend (whatever her title is). It's now been nearly 10 years and I still do the "we should invite her and her family". At some point I just made a decission that while in my own home, I would treat her and her family as I would any other family member, so if I'm in my pajamas when they stop by, too bad:p. We have very few similar interests, but if there is something I know she would enjoy (girls night out at the fondue place), I will invite her. It's not that I don't like her, it's just that we don't really click. She will bend over backwards to help out and she dotes on my kids, so I always feel guilty because I don't see her as a bff.

redpepper

03-19-2011, 03:34 AM

Derbylicious

03-19-2011, 03:48 AM

I don't know that she doesn't like you though. She seems to just have her own thing going on and you aren't on her radar right now. Besides, she doesn't owe you friendship just because she is dating your husband. Just as you don't owe her friendship. She is a metamour, not a friend. The two are not necessariy synonomous with each other I don't think.

We didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I know that I wasn't the best me that I could be and I didn't make a great first (or second ect) impression. It is what it is now though. I'm probably just looking for outside validation.

:Dvalidate me please!:D

All will look better after a good night's sleep. I'm fixating. Time to talk about something else I think. Coming soon to a blog near you...

redpepper

03-19-2011, 04:27 AM

Okay, right, validate;

I do similar things with people; make assumptions that I am not liked or that they purposely ignore me. I do that a lot at work actually. Really its either nothing to do with me, they are annoyed in the moment or are consumed with other thoughts and don't even know I might feel ignored. I try to remember this, but unfortunately I have a bit of a name for myself I think. People get annoyed that I am like that ;)

Really though, I can't imagine anyone not liking you. First impression be damned, everyone knows that first impressions don't count. Its what the person is like as a whole is that matters. If she doesn't know that then she's an idiot. I know she isn't, so I still air on the side of her just living her life and not being concerned about you as a friend at all.

She's pretty casual at the best of times no? Her ideas about conducting relationships any way. You are just different. That's what I think anyway.

redpepper

03-19-2011, 04:35 AM

Hey! SNeacail validated you.:o

Derbylicious

03-19-2011, 04:36 AM

Hey! SNeacail validated you.:o

Yes, I did see that...thank you SNeacail :D (and you too RP)

Derbylicious

03-20-2011, 02:50 AM

It's been a good day today. I spent the day with my family doing very low key stuff. We walked to a movie, Rango, and back in the sunshine. Made appetizers for supper and baked some bread. None of it was terribly exciting or earth shattering but these are things that feed my soul. The emotional crisis that I put on myself yesterday has lifted.

I think I'm probably going to turn in early tonight again and have another good night's sleep. Sleep makes everything more bearable (or just puts things into perspective). I expect that my insecurities will rear their head again at some point. I'm just thankful to be able to voice them and have people around me to listen.

Coping mechanisms are interesting things. They're almost like a dam, when they fail all of a sudden everything comes spilling out and it takes some time to fix it up again. I'm glad that it's over again for the time being. I think that every time I have a bit of a crisis I get an insight into why it's happening and I can work through the things I identify.

MonoVCPHG

03-20-2011, 03:11 AM

I think I'm probably going to turn in early tonight again and have another good night's sleep. Sleep makes everything more bearable (or just puts things into perspective). I expect that my insecurities will rear their head again at some point. I'm just thankful to be able to voice them and have people around me to listen.

.

What are you waiting for then??? Get into those jammies and go to sleep! ....you do wear jammies right :rolleyes:

Derbylicious

03-20-2011, 03:13 AM

What are you waiting for then??? Get into those jammies and go to sleep! ....you do wear jammies right :rolleyes:

Yes I wear jammies, with 2 small people in the house that may need me at any hour of the night it's easier to be clothed than to try to find something to wear half asleep :D And I can't go to bed quite yet as the small ones are still awake, we're listening to the hobbit.

MonoVCPHG

03-20-2011, 05:51 AM

we're listening to the hobbit.

Cool!

redpepper

03-20-2011, 06:19 AM

Glad you are doing better today sweets :)

Derbylicious

03-21-2011, 06:41 PM

I'm reminded over and over again that poly brings to light all of those dark things within us that we keep hidden away from the world. There are long stretches of everything going along smoothly and then all of a sudden I'm confronted with something that I haven't had to deal with (at least on a conscious level) for a long time.

The hiccough this weekend was all about my self esteem and likely what deep down I really think about myself. It's been a reminder to be kind to myself and that I will always judge myself far more harshly than anyone else will. I've projected what I think is going on in my husband's girlfriend's mind based on what I think she should feel after the way I think I've behaved towards her. RP, you're likely right, she probably really doesn't put the energy into thinking much about me at all one way or the other.

There are other things that I know are hiding in the back of my mind...stay tuned for the next freak out :D I've got to say that I'm glad that these emotional sessions are getting fewer and farther between. I don't like being the emotional basket case but when it does happen I'm thankful that I am safe to let it out. In letting it out I can let it go.

Derbylicious

04-01-2011, 09:17 PM

What a busy week it's been, mostly to do with work. I'm missing both my loves terribly as I haven't had much of anything to give to them this week. It looks like one more week of the crazies and then things settle a little bit.

I'm playing in our season home opener next weekend and have been elected team captain again. I'm glad that I'm being seen as a value to the team (especially since last year I hardly played at all). There's still a lot of talk about how not everyone who is playing this season are "A" players but you know what? We won our last game without some of these all 'round superstars. We are a good team who communicate well with each other and get things done. So what, we aren't winning games with such a huge margin, but we are winning and even better we are allowing people who don't normally play when the superstars are around to show that they are valued and that they have a role to play too.

On the work front, mid week I thought I was going to be laid off due to lack of funding for my program. That turned out to be a clerical error. Then yesterday my boss was told by someone that I'm job hunting. That was a bit of an awkward situation. There are some parts of my job that I love but it's becoming too much to handle because I'm expected to keep doing things to the same level as they add more and more to my role (without paying me anymore). It's time to move on to a job where the role is clearly defined and where I am not the only one working in the particular role.

As you can see from this blog entry there isn't much about relationships in it. I haven't been doing much in the way of being a partner this week. I've been really wrapped up in my own world of trying to get things done that need to get done. At least now there's a light at the end of the tunnel...year end budget stuff is done and the game will be done next week. Then it's time to focus some time on my loves and plan some really special things for them. The weather is warming up and I do have some ideas in mind. :)

Derbylicious

04-14-2011, 04:49 AM

I don't post enough when things are going well. It's all doom and gloom all the time and really my life isn't like that at all. Last weekend was our season opener for roller derby. We won the game by a significant margin. My husband, RP, PN, LB, my best friend and her son and my mother in law all came out to watch me play. It's so awesome to have that support and to be able to share something I love with people who I love.

A fellow who I've been talking to on line also came to watch the game. I can't see things developing into more than a friendship with him (although I strongly suspect he would like it to be more). He and his wife are unicorn hunter types, which doesn't work for me. I do enjoy talking with him though.

Then at the after party I got to hang out and celebrate to bad live music with both my loves. I hope that they are both as comfortable as I am when we're all hanging out together. I like those times I have, they're special to me.

So there you are, a happy, things are going along swimmingly post :D

Mohegan

04-14-2011, 09:50 AM

still hoping for that like button :)

TruckerPete

04-14-2011, 11:40 AM

Hurrah!!

Carma

04-14-2011, 03:22 PM

I'm reminded over and over again that poly brings to light all of those dark things within us that we keep hidden away from the world. There are long stretches of everything going along smoothly and then all of a sudden I'm confronted with something that I haven't had to deal with (at least on a conscious level) for a long time.

There are other things that I know are hiding in the back of my mind...stay tuned for the next freak out :D I've got to say that I'm glad that these emotional sessions are getting fewer and farther between. I don't like being the emotional basket case but when it does happen I'm thankful that I am safe to let it out. In letting it out I can let it go.

Glad to hear that today is a sunnier day for you! I really appreciate what you said in this previous post. There's always going to be "the next freak out" but it's the good and bad of poly that make it the rich experience it is. Thanks so much for sharing. :)

MonoVCPHG

04-18-2011, 03:52 AM

Thanks for hanging out Friday night :) I alsways have a blast with you and RP :) Sorry I took up so much of the bed;)

Derbylicious

04-18-2011, 03:55 AM

Thanks for hanging out Friday night :) I alsways have a blast with you and RP :) Sorry I took up so much of the bed;)

I still had some bed...you best appologize to RP! :D I had an awesome time with you guys too. It was nice to meet your friends from the mountain.

MonoVCPHG

04-18-2011, 04:09 AM

I still had some bed...you best appologize to RP! :D I had an awesome time with you guys too. It was nice to meet your friends from the mountain.

I still don't believe she slept on the floor... Apparently I was so "tired" I didn't notice :) Hey...including the camping trip outside, this is the second time we've slept together :eek:

Derbylicious

04-18-2011, 04:19 AM

I still don't believe she slept on the floor... Apparently I was so "tired" I didn't notice :) Hey...including the camping trip outside, this is the second time we've slept together :eek:

Does that make us slutty, sleeping together and all? :D;)

MonoVCPHG

04-18-2011, 04:22 AM

Does that make us slutty, sleeping together and all? :D;)

The sluttiest!!

TruckerPete

04-18-2011, 11:39 AM

I'm sure you're both sluts in only the best ways. ;)

Derbylicious

04-26-2011, 03:04 AM

I'm starting to be able to identify the difference between what is said to me and what I hear a lot quicker than I used to be able to. I have a tendency to listen to my inner voice who beats me up a whole bunch. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just me listening to the voice but I react to how I interpret what I've heard rather than to what was actually said. On the bright side I'm working on saying outloud what my inner voice has said as soon as I realize that it might not have been what was said in the first place...which is part of communication, right?

Derbylicious

04-27-2011, 06:12 PM

I've been reading some of the old threads that people have linked to in their posts. A lot of them have a lot of posts in them from Mono and RP. It's making me smile. The love and respect is so evident. I have a blog to go and read now from someone else who is very special to me for some more smiles.

Derbylicious

04-28-2011, 10:40 PM

SourGirl

04-28-2011, 11:01 PM

So yesterday I spent looking at things that make me smile and today I went and looked at something that makes me angry. Why do I do that to myself? I know it's there and there isn't anything I can do about it and on top of it it really has SFA to do with me? And yet I still look...and get angry all over again. Perhaps I should go back to looking at something that makes me smile again.

Did you go with intent to find threads that made you angry, or did you happen upon them by accident, (while browsing) and they made you angry all over again ?

If with intent, there must of been a memory that set it off ? Either way, we all do those things. Eat food we know hurts us, look at things we shouldn`t, do things not good for us.

Try not to dwell on it,...or use it as a exercise in trying to see it from another angle. Either way, get yourself to a positive thought, then shut the book in your mind. :)

Derbylicious

04-28-2011, 11:43 PM

It wasn't a thread at all. It was pictures on facebook that I semi stumbled upon again, although I did go looking deeper than I needed to. It's all good. I'm mostly just angry on a friend's behalf...after all no one involved has done anything to me at all.

Derbylicious

05-01-2011, 01:39 AM

We went to see RP perform at her burlesque show last night. Mono, PN and I were all in the front row to cheer her on. She was awesome and I'm so proud of her. She had the best costume of any of the performers there. All in all it was a very cool evening. I got all dressed up too (only one of 2 in the audience who bothered). I looked like something out of a 60's B movie.

Tonight is much more low key. We're having movie night with the kids. We're introducing them to the classics...Army of Darkness :). So far they seem to be enjoying it.

Ariakas

05-01-2011, 01:40 AM

Thats a very solid geek weekend. Congrats...

pics of the 60's b movie costume?

Derbylicious

05-01-2011, 01:47 AM

There a pic that my husband posted on facebook last night. I know you can see those :)

Ariakas

05-01-2011, 01:50 AM

yes I could. haha must have slipped past my news wall

Great outfit...

MonoVCPHG

05-01-2011, 04:34 AM

We went to see RP perform at her burlesque show last night. Mono, PN and I were all in the front row to cheer her on. .

I'm putting the pic your hubby took of us three, PN, me and you, in my photo album! Scream if you object ;)

Derbylicious

05-01-2011, 04:36 AM

No objections from me :).

MonoVCPHG

05-01-2011, 04:38 AM

No objections from me :).

And done!! It's the album cover :)

Derbylicious

05-09-2011, 10:16 PM

I feel like I haven't been much of a partner lately. Work and the board for derby have been all kinds of busy and because things have been going along so well I haven't really been paying much attention. And so here I am all of a sudden realizing I haven't had much in the way of real connection time with either of my loves. I miss them (even though I have been in the same physical space as them).

My husband and I have let our structure of taking some time each night after the kids go to bed to talk to each other go. For a long time it didn't really seem like we had much to say of any importance (because things are going well). But that really isn't the point, the point is to stay connected.

RP and I have never had set date nights. So there are times when we go a couple of weeks without spending any one on one time with each other. electronic communication is a good thing but it doesn't really fill that gap.

So I think it's time to get out the calendars are set some real times for things. I'm going to plan the pants off some date nights :D

TruckerPete

05-10-2011, 01:09 AM

I'm going to plan the pants off some date nights :D

Pants off date nights? Those are good times!

Yes, I am totally reading what I want to see. :p

Derbylicious

05-10-2011, 04:04 AM

Pants off date nights? Those are good times!

Yes, I am totally reading what I want to see. :p

You want to see me with pants off? :D

TruckerPete

05-10-2011, 11:08 AM

You want to see me with pants off? :D

Wait, I think I'm supposed to buy you a drink first!

Derbylicious

05-17-2011, 01:26 AM

I was just checking out the wall on fetlife and came across a conversation that I was interested in that one of my friends had commented on. It was in a single open and/or poly group. Anyway about half way down the page there was a comment from my best friend's ex husband. This is someone who I'm really not comfortable sharing a social circle with. This city is far too small. I know I sound a bit like a big baby "these are my friends, go and find your own". I guess there really isn't anything to worry about yet since he has yet to show up at any events I go to.

Derbylicious

05-28-2011, 04:04 AM

Today has been interesting. I almost got to work and then got a call from my husband. He had taken a spill off his motorbike on his way to work and was in the hospital. So I spent most of my day there. My husband had left his bike by the side of the road and when I got there he was wondering how he was going to take care of it. So I called RP and Mono. They were fantastic, I dropped off the keys and now the bike is safely at their place. I'm so thankful that it was one less thing to worry about. I'm so greatful to have such wonderful people in my life.

MonoVCPHG

05-28-2011, 04:15 AM

I'm so greatful to have such wonderful people in my life.

Having extended tribal family (ETF) has proven to be an excellent source of support on more than one occasion. I was quite proud of how we came together today, each of us doing what we could.

Now if I can just get over the guilt of riding another man's bike.....funny because I live with my girlfriend and her husband :eek:

I hope he gets well soon and gets back on the road. We've got some riding to do!

Derbylicious

05-28-2011, 04:16 AM

And I have a new jacket to wear :)

redpepper

05-28-2011, 06:40 AM

And I have a new jacket to wear :)Yes, I thought of that. Damn! Right at the beginning of summer too!

Ariakas

05-28-2011, 03:08 PM

Yes, I thought of that. Damn! Right at the beginning of summer too!

You guys have summer.. :eek:

*looks up bus schedule to go to the island* haha

Derbylicious

05-28-2011, 04:50 PM

You guys have summer.. :eek:

*looks up bus schedule to go to the island* haha

We have slightly warmer drier weather and slightly cooler wetter weather...we refer to these seasons as winter and summer although it's nothing like the extremes I grew up with.

Derbylicious

05-31-2011, 10:12 PM

So I'm trying really really hard to stay out of things between my husband and his girlfriend. As I've already written my husband broke his ankle and had surgery on it over the weekend. His girlfriend hasn't shown up at all to see how he is or to see if there's anything she can do for him. I know that it's none of my business and that there are many love languages but in my world if someone is sick or hurt and you care about them you're there for them and doing your best to help them to feel better.

I feel like she doesn't really care at all about him and that he's just there for fun for her. That's not what I want for him. He's a good guy and he deserves to have someone with him who will take care of him if he needs to be taken care of (which isn't very often). I know that he's the type who will drop everything for someone if they are in need and I think that he deserves the same in return. I don't like the feeling that his good naturedness is being taken advantage of by someone who isn't willing to put in an equal effort.

The thing is that as much as this isn't my relationship and I shouldn't care I can't help but have hurt feelings on his behalf. If I was all stuck in bed and hurting I would want to be made much of by both of my loves. I get that people have lives outside of their relationships but after a couple of days you would think that you could find at least a few minutes for a visit. Am I expecting too much?

TruckerPete

06-01-2011, 01:18 AM

The thing is that as much as this isn't my relationship and I shouldn't care I can't help but have hurt feelings on his behalf. If I was all stuck in bed and hurting I would want to be made much of by both of my loves. I get that people have lives outside of their relationships but after a couple of days you would think that you could find at least a few minutes for a visit. Am I expecting too much?

Maybe not expecting too much, but expecting what you would want for yourself? Is this also what hubby wants, or is he happy with the support she is giving him?

Derbylicious

06-01-2011, 01:54 AM

Maybe not expecting too much, but expecting what you would want for yourself? Is this also what hubby wants, or is he happy with the support she is giving him?

He speaks so little of what he wants that I'm never really sure. What I do know is how much he has needed help over the past few days. His mom and I have been able to give him the help that he has needed. I'm just frustrated that the offer hasn't even been put forward. He's getting better now though as he's headed out for a real estate seminar this evening. :D

I probably am projecting a bit of what I would want on him. I'll have to ask him later if he is disappointed.

KatTails

06-01-2011, 02:17 AM

No - I do not think you are expecting too much. You love him and want to see him loved, respected, treated right and taken care of. I expect the same from MG, and she of me, when it comes to 2rings. If he was in an accident - I have no doubt that she would drop everything to be there with him :) - and he deserves that.

You may be projecting - but you are doing so out of your deep love for your husband. Even if it doesn't bother him and it's not your relationship - you are coming from a place of love and concern. I see nothing wrong with that!

2rings was in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago this coming weekend and I know how scary getting that phone call is and how hard it is to see your husband in pain. I'm glad he's feeling good enough to go out! Wishing him a speedy recovery!

nycindie

06-01-2011, 04:03 AM

So I'm trying really really hard to stay out of things between my husband and his girlfriend. As I've already written my husband broke his ankle and had surgery on it over the weekend. His girlfriend hasn't shown up at all to see how he is or to see if there's anything she can do for him. I know that it's none of my business and that there are many love languages but in my world if someone is sick or hurt and you care about them you're there for them and doing your best to help them to feel better. . . . Am I expecting too much?

You might be expecting too much. Do you know whether or not they had any communication since it happened? Have you asked him if they've been in touch? It'd be understandable if he's complained about it and it is an issue for him. But unless you know...

Maybe she offered her support in other ways. You're a nurse, right? Dealing with hospitals, illness, and injury is second nature to you. Some people simply cannot handle being around that. They are anxious and queasy in hospitals, and uncomfortable around people in pain. Maybe she told him, "I want to be there for you but I can't handle it." Maybe she's got shit going on in her own life that needs managing, and she knows he has you. I say, cut her some slack. She's not you.

redpepper

06-01-2011, 04:21 AM

Morningglory629

06-01-2011, 05:31 AM

I'm right there with you derby. Maybe this is all she is capable of. Maybe her idea of "girlfriend" is different than yours. Maybe your husbands idea of "girlfriend" is also. There are all kinds of relationships and althought it might be frustrating to understand, it just is.

I would wonder what is behind it for you? Do you need a break? Would you like her to take a share in responsibilities? It might be that changing your view on her and what they have, what expectations you have as a result, will help you be less frustrated and hurt on his behalf.

I agree here RP. Derbs maybe she is just letting you do your thing and not wanting to intrude. Does II want her there? If so, maybe someone should make a call. I mean it may just be a case of not knowing what he wants or needs, or what you are comfortable with. Then again it may not be her schtick. I know I would be there in a heartbeat. But I also know I may not always be welcomed. Depending on who is there etc. Know what I mean? Don't assume, but this is an opportunity to address the issue for future reference. I had a similar situation with 2rings when my mom was in the hospital for heart stent surgery. I needed him but he didn't realize how much. And he did not want to intrude on hubs. He would change that now if he could, and he knows in the future what my expectations are. So maybe that is all that needs to happen, an invitation.

Hugs to ya. Must be stressful! Stay positive.

Derbylicious

06-01-2011, 02:00 PM

I asked last night if he minded that she hadn't shown up and he says that he doesn't. I don't get it. If everyone but me is happy with the situation I should just leave it alone. I hate that in my mind I'm already reluctant to help her out if the time comes when she needs help. Things like this shouldn't be tit for tat.

I guess this is one of the things about poly, we find partners who are suited to us. I was comparing my husband's gf to RP and Mono and my best friend. The thing is that his gf doesn't have to meet my standards. The people who are important to me in my life are there for me in the way I need them. If it isn't bothering him and he is having his needs met it's not for me to judge. I just wish that he would talk to me more about being content with the way things are (or not if he isn't) so that I don't have to guess.

nycindie

06-01-2011, 02:47 PM

I just wish that he would talk to me more about being content with the way things are (or not if he isn't) so that I don't have to guess.I can understand your wanting him to let you know, but since it was a non-issue for him, it probably never occurred to him to even bring it up. You've said yourself here in your blog that you don't "post enough when things are going well." Maybe he's kind of the same way.

Morningglory629

06-01-2011, 03:52 PM

I can understand your wanting him to let you know, but since it was a non-issue for him, it probably never occurred to him to even bring it up. You've said yourself here in your blog that you don't "post enough when things are going well." Maybe he's kind of the same way.

Yep! You are such a sweetie! I guess it is just natural to want to project our own ideals of what is appropriate. Don't worry so much. He is a happy camper...well sort of, as happy as one can be with a busted ankle!;)

Derbylicious

06-01-2011, 03:54 PM

Yep! You are such a sweetie! I guess it is just natural to want to project our own ideals of what is appropriate. Don't worry so much. He is a happy camper...well sort of, as happy as one can be with a busted ankle!;)

He's all loopy on T3's I think he's pretty happy ;):D (I am kidding, the loopy was from the morphine in hospital, he's acting quite normally now)

Morningglory629

06-01-2011, 03:58 PM

Hahahahahahaha on the loopiness! Bunches of nurses in my family, so I totally get your "do and be there" kind of personality. I love it! So best of luck on the road to recovery for both you and II. Oh and the kiddoes!

Derbylicious

06-01-2011, 10:14 PM

I was looking at my avatar today and with some of the reading around BDSM that I've been doing she looks like quite the little submissive derby girl. I'm not sure where I'm going with this thought yet, it was just an observation.

redpepper

06-01-2011, 10:41 PM

I hate that in my mind I'm already reluctant to help her out if the time comes when she needs help. Things like this shouldn't be tit for tat.

Does her actions not set a president? I would assume she is good with what she has and doesn't need your help. Its not up to you to keep tabs on what her needs are anyway. If hubby wants to help when the time comes then that's his choice no?

The way I look at it is in terms of what I can do to help my partner. If I see some way that would help them, or if they make a request I can help out with I do. Often it means helping my metamour and that is an added bonus. Maybe if she isn't interested in helping you out or paying any attention to your partners accident then you could think about how to support HIM if it comes up that she needs help.

The other thing is that perhaps they are not as invested in each other as you and I are or me and Mono or me and PN. People invest at different levels. They aren't the same as you in their love investment.

Derbylicious

06-13-2011, 12:35 AM

Ariakas and Pengrah came over to visit this weekend. It was really nice having them here. We had a get together yesterday evening and I think everyone had a good time.

I'm completely exausted though. I worked Saturday this week on top of my usual Monday to Friday. We went to see RP's show (which I wouldn't have missed for the world) and didn't get to bed until 2! Then it was up again at 7 and off to work. Tonight I'm taking it easy with simple kid friendly food and a movie. Good thing week after next I'm taking a couple of extra days off!

There really isn't much to talk about on the poly front. I have a couple of fantastic partners and a couple of really great metamours as well. All in all I am a lucky lady :D. All this lucky lady needs now is a good long sleep.

Derbylicious

06-16-2011, 09:46 PM

What an emotionally exhausting day! I heard this morning that one of my client's passed away in the early hours of the morning. He was a good man and will be missed by many. I also had someone come in and tell me that her daughter had a tubal pregnancy and had surgery this morning. I'm glad that I get to be alone tonight. This work stuff is stuff I have to deal with by myself. I'm sad for my clients.

In brighter news I'm busy planning date nights, one tomorrow night with my dear husband. We need the time to talk to each other in a stress free type setting. What with him being broken and starting a new job I haven't exactly been pleasant and tolerant with him these past couple of weeks. It doesn't mean I love him any less he's just usually my outlet when things are bugging me so when it's stuff that has to do with him that's bugging me the outlet isn't exactly there. So the emotions build up and then the stress leaks out all over the place and I'm snippy and ill tempered.

RP and I are planning on a movie night sometime next week. We're going to see a very girly movie and I think it's going to be a blast. It will be nice to see her one on one for more than an hour.

redpepper

06-16-2011, 10:11 PM

Oh goody! So glad my suggestion of a date night for you two is in action. I love when you take time together. My turn next weeks sweets! Its been way too many stressful weeks. *hugs and kisses* :)

Derbylicious

06-20-2011, 08:11 PM

Date night with one of my sexy redheads tonight ;)

marksbabygirl

06-20-2011, 08:21 PM

Date night with one of my sexy redheads tonight ;)

:D

Derbylicious

06-22-2011, 09:35 PM

I was watching a documentary last night about a fellow who had been working as a professional Master for about 20 years. The documentary really went into depth about all the screwed up things that had happened to him as a child and a young man. It was making me think how much of what happens to us in our early years influences our sexuality? I was also thinking that I know a lot of people who are involved in BDSM in one form or another, and for the most part they are pretty normal people. Was this documentary just trying to be sensationalist or is there some basis in things that happen to you as a kid have you turn out a certain way as an adult?

I'm worried that in wondering these things and typing them out I'm going to offend someone in some way. I really am just trying to understand though. I'm also wondering because there are some pretty interesting things that go on in my own head that I wonder if they are attached to things from my past too? Human sexuality is such an interesting thing. I find that, at least in myself, it evolves from year to year and just when I think I'm comfortable in my sexuality there's some kind of shift.

marksbabygirl

06-23-2011, 01:58 PM

I'm pretty sure that was sensationalist.

There have been a number of "polls" on various groups on fetlife - while some (and I fall into this catagory) have some history that could be used to explain WHY they're into BDSM - about 1/2 don't.

Of course those are informal polls and anecdotal and may have absolutely no basis in reality - but :p

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 07:45 PM

So I'm going to keep on rambling because it's my blog, dammit, and I can do whatever I want to (within reason) here.

So along the lines of BDSM relating to past traumas (for those who this is the case). Is it a way to take power back from something that once held power over you? I can see it working both ways, in a dominant role literally taking the power and in a submissive role having some control over what is being done to your body and freely allowing it to happen.

I'm busy working through stuff that is kicking around in my head. This seems to be the best place possible to get some of it out and written down. I welcome any responses but I am not expecting them (yet another reason it's going in the blog section). I'm sure somehow and in some way this is related to something that I have to work through for myself. I'm not sure precisely what that is yet. I just know for the time being that this topic has my focus.

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 07:53 PM

Is it a way to take power back from something that once held power over you? .

I definitely see this as being a motivator in some cases. You see this in other things as well; video games, the military, and almost anything that can give an otherwise seemingly powerless person control.

In this case, I see the Dom role as therapy just as sometimes I see submission being used for therapy. That's how it works for me in submitting; there is therapy contained within the punishment.

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 07:54 PM

I definitely see this as being a motivator in some cases. You see this in other things as well; video games, the military, and almost anything that can give an otherwise seemingly powerless person control.

In this case, I see the Dom role as therapy just as sometimes I see submission being used for therapy. That's how it works for me in submitting; there is therapy contained within the punishment.

Because you feel the need to be punished and to do penance for something?

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 07:54 PM

because you feel the need to be punished and to do penance for something?

bingo!!

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 07:58 PM

Which now makes me wonder if there are more submissive types (who partake in corporal punishment) among Catholics and other strict Christian religions (the ones that promote guilt).

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 08:04 PM

Which now makes me wonder if there are more submissive types (who partake in corporal punishment) among Catholics and other strict Christian religions (the ones that promote guilt).

Catholics got the title in this area!! We've been doing this to ourselves for a very long time. I would likely have beenn an extremist in the middle ages. Hair shirt and crusader furry!

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 08:10 PM

Hair shirt and crusader furry!

Ummm fury perhaps? Crusader furry though would be all kinds of kinky ;) But thanks to the internet there is a picture for everything!

TruckerPete

06-23-2011, 08:11 PM

Ummm fury perhaps? Crusader furry though would be all kinds of kinky ;) But thanks to the internet there is a picture for everything!

Rule 34, Derby. ;)

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 08:12 PM

Rule 34, Derby. ;)

Which is why there are some things that I just won't ever look up LOL :D

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 08:16 PM

Ummm fury perhaps? !

OMG :o Yes fury

Derbylicious

06-23-2011, 08:20 PM

While we're on the topic of furries, when we were driving to Whislter we drove past a place called Furry Creek...and they have a golf and country club. What an ideal place for a furry convention! http://www.golfbc.com/courses/furry_creek

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 08:24 PM

TruckerPete

06-23-2011, 08:37 PM

I like my creeks un furry

But full of fury? :p

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2011, 09:18 PM

But full of fury? :p

oh yes!

nycindie

06-24-2011, 04:06 AM

But full of fury? :p

Whha?? A buttfull of fury? Sounds... explosive.

Derbylicious

06-24-2011, 04:13 AM

Whha?? A buttfull of fury? Sounds... explosive.

Since II hasn't gotten to this thread I'm going to steal his line...

wait for it...

LUBE!!!!:D

Derbylicious

07-04-2011, 03:00 AM

Wow, what a weekend. It's been a busy one but somehow I've come out of it completely refreshed and ready to take on everything that needs taking on. I think maybe it has come from taking the weekend to do things that I really wanted to do. I think it's also helped that for the most part I've only had to be responsible for myself this weekend. It was a much needed break from being the caregiver.

I got to spend the night with RP last night. She is such a wonderful, beautiful and caring person. (Mental note: I must tell her things like that more often :)) I feel so fortunate to have her in my life. I'm also very fortunate to be completly at ease with Mono and PN. Everything is just comfortable in their house. How did I get so lucky?

I had a couple of hours of quiet time with my husband this afternoon before he headed out for work again and now I'm by myself in the house taking care of me (which tonight consisted of hot tub time and some ice cream). The hot tub was to help ease some sore muscles from a couple of pretty intense derby games yesterday and the ice cream is just because I like ice cream. I think I might actually be ready to go back to work in the morning. :D

MonoVCPHG

07-04-2011, 04:36 AM

How did I get so lucky?

Nothing to do with luck...you get what you give :D It's called karma.

Derbylicious

07-18-2011, 12:36 AM

I've been so overwhelmed with life lately that I'm sucking at connecting with my partners. I don't like feeling this way. I want to be engaged and fun and fun to be with. It's just one more area of my life that I don't feel like I'm measuring up in. I can't stay on top of everything at work that I'm asked to do and do a good job of it. I can't stay on top of the housework and be a good housekeeper and now my relationships are suffering too because I don't have it in me lately to give 100%.

For the last couple of weeks I've just felt all used up. I'm trying to be kind to myself and to take care of myself but it keeps falling to the bottom of the list. I know that I can't take care of other people properly unless I take care of myself first. I'm just not sure what taking care of myself looks like at the moment.

On the bright side RP took me to a play this afternoon. It was good for my soul to sit and hold hands and have a laugh. I love live theater. I wish our time together had been longer though. (But then again I always wish our time together was longer).

It's going to be vacation time soon. I think that while I'm on vacation I'm going to do something everyday for me, by myself. Once we work out what we're doing in general I'll work on my game plan :).

This too shall pass...

Derbylicious

07-19-2011, 03:44 AM

I'm working on self care. Yesterday I kept the sitter for an extra hour when I got home so that I could get some things done around the house without interruption. Today I had derby and then came home and had a bath and a bowl of fresh fruit. I'm feeling better today in general. There's still too much to do and to little time but taking care of myself is important too.

TruckerPete

07-19-2011, 11:37 AM

Sending hugs your way, purdy lady. :)

Morningglory629

07-21-2011, 07:58 PM

Yesterday I kept the sitter for an extra hour when I got home so that I could get some things done around the house without interruption.

Awesome idea!!!

Derbylicious

08-03-2011, 05:53 PM

I went to our local poly camp this past weekend. It's the third one I've been to. This year it was a lot different than it has been in previous years. In the past it has been a very family friendly event with families of all shapes and sizes and all ages of children attending. It's one of the few events in the year that facilitate the kids meeting each other and developing their own support group.

This year it was very much about the adults. There was a large clothing optional area where some of the workshops (not with adult content) were held. So for the 2 families with small children we were unable to attend those workshops at the risk of having our children come and find us and making the people who were undressed uncomfortable because there were children around.

I totally understand having workshops of an adult nature (such as BDSM) in the adults only area but workshops on crafting and dating should really have been held somewhere that everyone could comfortably attend.

ETA a bit about what the previous years of camping were like. The last 2 camps that we went on had both adult and child components. There were things planned for the kids during the workshop times so that the adults could attend the workshops. It was also just one big camp, with no segregation of clothed and unclothed. It felt much more like a cohesive community than the camp this time around.

Another thing that I would like to add is that if there is going to be a clothing optional area that it should be in an area that is fenced off in some way from the rest of the campers. There were members of the general public who just happened to pass through the camp on their way to a trail and they got an eyeful of something they weren't expecting. It also goes for anyone else who happens to be there though, clothing optional should be a choice to partake in and to witness. END EDIT

I have to be honest and say that the vibe this year was very much geared towards the single dating poly side of things. It made me feel a little like an outsider and that my way of living poly isn't the right way. I'm not terribly free with my body, never have been, likely never will be and I don't want to feel that to fit in and socialize that I have to be ready to disrobe and available to hook up with someone if the situation happens to present it's self. Maybe that makes me a prude I don't know.

I wrote a letter to one of the organizers because she asked for feedback. The letter has pretty much what I've said here in it. I'm worried that because of feeling this way I will be ostracized by the community. I felt that I had to speak though. Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with. In some ways it feels a lot like high school.

I do realize that a lot of this is my own stuff that I'm carrying around left over from wanting to fit in in school. I need to change my focus now and focus on all the positive in my life. I'm not willing to compromise myself and who I am at the core to fit in. It would leave me empty and I would regret it. There are plenty of people in my life who do enjoy being around me and who do want to know me simply to know me and not just because they might get into my pants!

Mohegan

08-03-2011, 11:53 PM

Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with.

This seems to be a trait that a lot of large groups have. It's sad and annoying and I've left a lot of things I enjoy because I wasn't listened to because I wasn't screwing those in charge.

And while I love nudity in the privacy of my own home, I can't blame you or anyone else for being uncomfortable. Karma and I warn new friends to not just drop by without calling cuz they may be seeing more than they want to.

It's good you wrote to the organizors and I hope it does make some sense to people and some changes are made. We've talked about going to something like this on and off, but like Karma just said to me-"I'd rather go to a group camp with the people we talk on here, where we can meet the people we've come to care about and not have to worry about who's trying to hook up with who." I want to go because I want to explore topics further, learn more, meet the people behind the computer screen. I'm not interested in an orgy or being made to feel bad because that's not how I poly. I'm sorry you were, and I really hope they take what you had to say into consideration.

nycindie

08-04-2011, 12:47 AM

My guess is that you are left with residual psychic sludge that was just "in the air" there. There were probably a lot of people there who didn't feel like they fit in, and didn't want to get undressed, but who did it anyway because they thought that they would then feel like they fit in. Likely lots of uncomfortable folks comparing themselves, hoping to be seen as "open-minded," and seeking approval. When people who flaunt that kind of stuff create an energy that leaves others around them feeling icky about themselves or the situation, it usually means that those people are more insecure and unsure of themselves than everyone else. I get the sense that before you were kind of immersed in that environment, you were perfectly fine with yourself. Shake it off, it isn't your stuff! If you're into smudging or some other way to get rid of toxic energy, I bet you'd feel a lot better. How about treating yourself to a nice herbal face mask, foot scrub, or bubble bath!

MonoVCPHG

08-04-2011, 03:01 AM

I'm worried that because of feeling this way I will be ostracized by the community. I felt that I had to speak though. Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with. In some ways it feels a lot like high school.

!

Our community is full of such diversity that I think the idea of us all "cliqueing" for lack of a real term is very unlikely. The important thing is that there are times and values that bind us in one common fundamental thought - people should be free to be themselves.

It is important to realize that this type of "different groups" is everywhere in society. Jocks and Geeks, new parents and child free couples, speed bike riders and cruiser dudes etc, etc. We're not all going to want to talk about or behave the same way...that doesn't have to translate into permanent segregation.

I agree, things should have been clearer regarding some aspects of the camp (keeping in mind my observations were only for the time we presented our workshop). This is a learning experience for all of us to build a better community I think. Does that mean the community will be all inclusive all the time? Nope. But there will be times when less frequent acquaintances meet and, through acceptance, should feel united if only for short times.

redpepper

08-04-2011, 07:35 AM

redpepper

08-04-2011, 07:43 AM

I was only there for a workshop and no longer. It wasn't my scene. Its made me worry about the camp we are going to at the end of the summer now. To me polycamp is about meeting new people, learning their stories and feeling that loving bond of community. I noticed this happening, but there was an over lying feeling of sex, nudity, and trying to fit in with the in crowd along with that. Meh, good for some I guess. :) It made it hard to do a workshop successfully as it was right in your face. HA! Ya..... not what I expected. I thought there was a section for that. Learning curve on this one maybe?

nycindie

08-04-2011, 10:36 PM

Derby, I would be okay if NYCindie were my metamour :DAww, shucks!

Derbylicious

08-15-2011, 09:41 PM

I'm going to have a little vent today. One of my (former?) best friends back home got married over the weekend. It was a surprise wedding and being that we live very far away I'm not surprised that we weren't invited. Her husband is someone who I don't care for at all. I wish I could be happy for her but I can't find it within myself to feel any kind of positive emotions for this wedding.

I don't know if that means that the friendship should just be over now and we should go our separate ways. It makes me sad to think that I'm allowing someone to come between us. We've been friends since high school. I haven't forgiven her yet for cheating on her previous spouse (whom I've also known since high school) and telling me about it before she told him (and also asked me not to say anything).

Her new husband likes to twist things around to serve his best interests. He has taken things that my husband and I have said to him in the past and made it sound like we don't care about our friend. It seems to me that he wants to drive a wedge between my friend and any remnants of her past life. I'm not sure if I'm just holding on now so as to not let him win. The thing is that it's not doing me any service to hang on to this friendship.

I know that this isn't a poly post but I really don't have anywhere else to vent about this. I'd just really like to stop caring so much about what she's doing. It has pretty much 0 effect on my day to day life after all.

Minxxa

08-15-2011, 09:54 PM

That stinks Derby. Maybe it's more about the "wrongness" factor than whether or not it affects your everyday life. To see someone taken in by a person who is -- well, less than honest or who is manipulative-- is hard to take, even if that friendship is less than stellar.

Only you can figure out if the friendship is worth hanging onto, but I totally get the frustration factor. :-(

MonoVCPHG

08-16-2011, 04:37 AM

Sorry to hear this Derby. That sucks ;(

Derbylicious

08-16-2011, 01:58 PM

I've hidden my friend's status updates from my facebook feed while I figure out what I want to do. It's not healthy for me emotionally to continue on the way I have been for the last year though. I'm hoping that having some distance from the reminder of the betrayal of her ex husband (another good friend of mine) will help me to let bygones be bygones.

I don't expect to ever like her new husband but one of the things I've learned from poly is that I don't have to like everyone in the lives of people who are important to me, I just need to be polite and respectful. I think I can do that (as long as he doesn't call my intergrety into question again).

I'm going to give it 6 weeks and see how I feel after that. For the next couple of weeks it's vacation time and I'm not going to think about it at all! :D

nycindie

08-19-2011, 11:22 PM

For the next couple of weeks it's vacation time and I'm not going to think about it at all! :DThat's the ticket!

Derbylicious

09-03-2011, 03:13 PM

I'm sitting here feeling rather annoyed about things that have nothing to do with me again. I know that it's not my place to say anything about relationships that have nothing to do with me. I feel that my husband is being treated unfairly and isn't being made a priority in his girlfriend's life. If it were me I think I would be cutting ties.

If someone needs that much time and space to work on other stuff maybe they simply don't have time or energy for another relationship. I hate to see my husband waiting around though. He deserves better. He deserves someone who is going to care about him and be there when he needs something.

Some of this is probably left over from a previous relationship that I was in where I wasn't a priority. Looking back on that relationship I know now that walking away much sooner would have saved me a lot of pain. Constant rejection isn't good for one's self esteem.

Derbylicious

09-05-2011, 04:46 AM

I went downtown today to watch RP sing. She did a great job with her solo! Other than that it's been a nice quiet Sunday. I'm glad that I still have one more day off before going back to work.

MonoVCPHG

09-07-2011, 07:43 PM

I went downtown today to watch RP sing. She did a great job with her solo! Other than that it's been a nice quiet Sunday. I'm glad that I still have one more day off before going back to work.

You and your daughter looked great! Very summery..summerery...nice summer dresses!

Derbylicious

09-07-2011, 08:00 PM

You and your daughter looked great! Very summery..summerery...nice summer dresses!

Every so often I actually look like a girl LOL

redpepper

09-07-2011, 09:16 PM

You were gorgeous. Such a shining light to look down on from stage. All of you were :) made my heart sing.

Derbylicious

09-08-2011, 10:41 PM

What I'm seeing lately (in more than one place) is everything being about ME ME ME all the time. To me a part of poly is empathy towards how your actions effect other people. Of course everyone is an autonomous being with free will but we are all also interconnected and should have the basic decency to treat others in the way that we, ourselves, would like to be treated.

I'm tired of hearing how someones desires/wants/problems come before those of everyone else. We all have our own shit going on all the time that we have to deal with. It doesn't negate our responsibilities in our relationships to treat those in our lives with compassion.

Mono has a phrase he uses, extended consideration. I like the spirit of that phrase. I find it good to keep in mind how what I want or do will effect not only my loves but also their loves. It works even better when a group of people employ the same principle.

So be excellent to each other...and party on dudes!

TruckerPete

09-09-2011, 01:26 AM

I have, taped to my work monitor, my favourite fortune that I've ever pulled out of a fortune cookie.

"Do onto others as you would have them do onto you."

Fantastic typo, don't you think?? ;)

Derbylicious

09-18-2011, 06:46 PM

It's been such a nutty week. Change seems to be afoot. Maybe it's a September thing. September is one of those times for new starts and for new things to happen. Although nothing is directly happening to me I am feeling the ripples from the changes around me.

On Wednesday evening my husband and his girlfriend ended their romantic relationship and that same night a friend of mine broke up with her partner as well. In both cases these were relationships where the people involved were not going in the same direction. It happens and it sucks, especially when there is still a great deal of caring for each other. It's much easier to break something off when you've been wronged or if you've come to a place of no longer liking each other. But to break up because you know it's the kindest thing to do for both of you is a hard place to be.

I do wonder if my husband's relationship ending is partially my fault. I didn't always behave or react in a pleasant manner towards his gf. It was a first time thing for me and I was learning. Things I wasn't expecting would come up for me and I have a tendency to react to emotions before thinking them through first. I did try to stay out of things almost all together once I figured out that there wasn't much of a chance that the 2 of us would ever be good friends. There are things I know about myself now and I hope that I have the skills now to be able to see an issue coming and talk about it before it blindsides me with jealousy.

There's also a great deal of turbulence in my roller derby league. I think we're still experiencing growing pains. Eventually it will all shake out and (hopefully) most members of the league will be happy again. As long as I get to skate I'm not sure I care what happens politically. Although I would like for everyone in the league to be respectful towards one another again.

I went out with RP last night for a much needed light and fun date night. We got to play dress up and go to a movie. I'm so thankful for her. I have someone in my life who is just as willing as I am to go out and be silly. I appreciate her energy so much.

Derbylicious

10-01-2011, 04:17 PM

I read this blog posting yesterday: http://kitoconnell.com/2011/09/30/kiki-polysexy/ and I had an emotional gut reaction to it. I read it and felt sad. It seems to me that as long as we continue to hilight the differences between different poly people the more those differences will seem to be "real".

When I talk to people in the general public, friends who aren't poly, I talk to them about what my lived experience is and how I approach poly. For me poly is very much about family and building a secure base of mutual consideration. So for me in my life it isn't all about the sex. I have people in my life who are part of my chosen family who I am in no way sexual or romantic with.

I also reacted to the perception that because I may not be willing to engage in more casual liasons that somehow I wish to stop others from doing the same. I know where my need to be in a very trusting place before engaging in sex comes from, it's something I could work on but I really am ok being the way I am. I just don't want to place myself in situations where more casual encounters are likely to be encouraged or expected because *I* feel threatened by it (unfortunately especially when these advances are made by men). If it's something people enjoy doing and everyone comes away happy from it I'm happy for them. There are a lot of things sexually that I don't get but it doesn't mean that I don't want others doing it or talking about it.

As for the public perception and the court case in BC. The case is going to affect those who are living together with more than one partner. Therefore these people are more like the family model. So it makes sense when talking to people who have some power over the laws to explain to them how little lives with 3 or more adult partners don't differ that much from those with 2 adult partners. There isn't any law saying who or how many people you can engage with at once if you aren't living together. So dating (even being married and dating) isn't even on the radar of what the law is about.

So is poly about sex, yes it is about sex but it isn't ALL about sex and therein lies the difference.

redpepper

10-03-2011, 06:26 AM

Happy birthday Derby http://forum.volition.com/images/icon_smile_lick.gif

(I couldn't resist the licky guy, I stole it from NYCindie... she left if for me on my blog :D heh, cute isn't it?)

Derbylicious

10-03-2011, 01:39 PM

It is cute...thank you for making my birthday extra special yesterday.:D

Derbylicious

10-03-2011, 04:53 PM

nycindie

10-04-2011, 01:54 AM

. . . once a day would be nice for sure ;):D. Got to turn off those electronic devices more often I think.
Or bring 'em with ya!

River

10-04-2011, 02:03 AM

Once A Day... Hmmm. Once a day.... Hmmm. Hmmm....

Wow! That would be 365 times a year. Seven times a week!

River

10-04-2011, 02:08 AM

Fantastic typo, don't you think?? ;)

One of the few benefits of the new global trade (WTO) atmosphere.

redpepper

10-05-2011, 04:36 AM

I went to women's group yesterday and I have to say I'm a little envious of those in the group who have sex 2-5 times a day! Admittedly I don't have time for 5 times a day (or the desire for it either). But once a day would be nice for sure ;):D. Got to turn off those electronic devices more often I think.
Hmmmm, sorry sweets, that would of been me. I could hear crickets after I said it and then someone moved on.... I'm not ashamed, but I am sorry if this was a surprise :(

Derbylicious

11-17-2011, 05:17 PM

Over the past few months I have been receiving attention from a man in the poly community who is much older than me. I have no interest in dating him whatsoever. I have been pleasant in conversation with him but in no way flirtatious. Since the summer the comments have progressed from simply comments that he thinks I'm cute to almost constant suggestions of wanting to see me nude ect.

A couple of days ago I very very bluntly told him that the comments that he was making were unwelcome and they were making me uncomfortable. The next 2 comments over IM were: I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. followed by, if I get out of line you can spank me. So I told him that was exactly the kind of innuendo that made me uncomfortable and ended the conversation there.

I thought I had blocked him on FB chat but my first attempt didn't work and the next day he started talking to me again. At first the conversation was very normal with no innuendo or anything and I was thinking "good, he got the message. I can relax". Then out of nowhere (we had been talking about work schedules) he asked me; how would you feel about a shower for 2?

At this point I'm feeling completely unsafe. I *know* he's not listening to me and has no respect for my boundaries. I'm worried about when I'm going to run into him in person and what he might do in person. I really had no idea of what to do.

During this time I'd been telling my husband what was going on. Despite my arguments that I wanted to take care of things by myself and not get the wife of the person in question involved (as it isn't her fault that her husband is behaving like this). My husband did contact her and I got an apology from him and a promise to stop. I still have him blocked on chat as I don't trust him farther than I can throw him.

It pisses me off that it took someone else stepping in for what I was saying to be taken seriously. Whatever happened to no means no? I know a lot of women play hard to get and maybe that's part of the problem. After being told directly that the sexual attention is unwanted that should put a stop to it. It shouldn't take another man talking to a man for a woman to be taken seriously. Regardless of how glad I am that it's over (for the time being) I feel like a child who needs to be taken care of rather than a grown adult who can speak for herself.

I'm glad my husband did step in. Otherwise it probably would have continued into physical touching. And as much as I think I would have smacked him for it likely I would have just left the situation rather than cause waves. I don't want to be afraid of causing waves. Poly does not mean available to anyone at any time. I want to feel safe in the community and that my personal boundaries will be respected.

MonoVCPHG

11-19-2011, 04:18 AM

Sorry all of this happened Derby. Hopefully something good will come out of it in the form of learning for him. Sad that this kind of stuff can put an awkward rift in our already relatively small community ;(

SourGirl

11-19-2011, 08:23 AM

I wouldn`t take the 'stepping in' to personally. I don`t think it`s about you being a child ( I understand you said you FEEL this way, not appear,..) so much as the fact that some people just don`t get it until they are out-numbered.

This happens to all walks of life. It`s the negative version of the 'voting system', and some don`t see the error of their ways until more then one person comments, reprimands, etc.

Once out-numbered, or out-voted they back off. We all need back-up now and then. :)

marksbabygirl

11-19-2011, 03:25 PM

I'm sorry you had to go through this.... I find a lot of men don't get it. Its like when they are online, they have lost the filter that they otherwise would have.

Delete and block is a good method - but its hard to delete and block someone in real life - especially if he's attending similar events.

I am usually grateful when hubby steps in for me at that point. I get to the point of not being polite, and having him there to keep the peace allows me to maintain my cool.

I know I can take care of myself, but I do appreciate the 'protector' in my husband.

(((HUGS))) to you.

redpepper

11-19-2011, 04:26 PM

While I realize the motive behind your husband stepping in I disagree that the situation warranted anyone stepping in without your consent. I knew what was going on and to me it seemed you were weighing up your options. You seemed to be handling the situation just fine. If you had asked me to say something I was MORE THAN READY. Grrrr. I was pissed! And doing my best to just listen and empower you.

I'm also not sure talking to his wife was the best option. I know if I were her I would of preferred to of heard after the situation was dealt with, not asked to "deal with your man."

Derbylicious

01-16-2012, 11:55 PM

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about why things go sour so quickly when people break up. I have a theory that we tend to store things up in our memories that bother us about the person who we were in a relationship with that bother us. Now these things don't seem to be important enough to talk about at the time because they really are just little things. It's easy to let things slide because all the good things in the relationship outweigh the things that aren't so good. Never the less those things that we don't agree with or that have caused us to feel hurt or misunderstood are still there.

So when people break up it seems like the statement of the breakup is like breaking the dam holding back all that pent up negativity. So breakups end up being so much more hurtful than they have to be. Somewhere and sometime not all that long ago you loved each other so why go out of your way to do and say things that are purposely hurtful?

I guess this means I should really talk about things that bother me when they bother me, even if they are only little things. I don't want to one day end up in the position of lashing out after a breakup. I love my partners and more than that I like and respect them as the people they are. I don't want to have pent up stuff inside that's just itching to get out. (And no, there's nothing specific on my mind right now. This is just a thought that will hopefully lead to more self awareness).

marksbabygirl

01-17-2012, 09:23 PM

I think there's a lot of truth in that.

We let things slide until we can't. And then, usually (for me anyhow) there's an eruption of everything that has been bothering me.

So it makes sense that when two people break up that it would happen as well.

:)

nycindie

01-18-2012, 05:00 AM

I have had many break-ups in my lifetime, having been single until I was 39. But I can honestly say that not every break-up sucked or even went sour, for that matter. I've had some great break-ups, in fact. In those cases, we talked and came to a mutual decision, and it was sad but not a mess. Sometimes all that stuff that builds up just fades away, and isn't important anymore. It is possible to move on without lots of drama, pain, and grief.

Derbylicious

01-20-2012, 04:01 AM

I'm feeling helpless. RP is going through a breakup and there's really nothing I can do to make it better. There's no instuction book on how to make it easier. It sucks and my heart hurts for her.

BrigidsDaughter

01-20-2012, 04:04 AM

*hugs*

marksbabygirl

01-20-2012, 04:18 AM

*hugs*

redpepper

01-20-2012, 06:54 AM

Its okay sweets. You are doing great at being supportive and understanding. All of you are. I just need time to my self and to freak out a bit. Be glad you don't live with me ;) I'm not that nice a person to live with right now. I know you are worried and want to help, but really, everything that you are doing is great. I love that you check on me, listen to me and remain stead fast and strong where I cannot right now.

MonoVCPHG

01-20-2012, 07:36 AM

Nice to have such a supportive metamour for the woman we love :)

Derbylicious

02-07-2012, 04:30 AM

There seems to be change in the air lately. But it's happening all around me and not to me. It makes me wonder if I should be on alert to it being my turn. People are getting married, people are splitting up, people are having babies and people are coming to the end of their lives. And it all seems to be happening withing the last month.

So here I am with everything being really stable wondering how long the calm can last. I like calm. I like no big life events happening to me. I'm a pretty typical Libra that way. I don't thrive on the drama. Who knows though, maybe it's just because of the calm that I'm more aware of what's going on for other people.

I guess the most difficult thing with all the changes are the mixed emotions a lot of them bring. Internally I'm all over the map. I think at one time things were simple, life events happened (to me or to other people) and I knew how to feel about it. Lately it seems that there isn't an easy emotional answer to anything.

There's a women's retreat coming up that due to timing I can't go to. I really wish I could though because I could use the time away to just be in my head about things for a bit. I can't really do that in my day to day life because my brain power is busy being diverted elsewhere. I know this is all very vague but it's very vague in my head too :D

Derbylicious

04-02-2012, 04:47 PM

So I haven't written in a really long time on my blog. I read redpeppers latest entry this morning and it got me to thinking that really no one knows what's going on for me. It seems that unless something is really bothering me that I just keep things to myself since I can work it out and it doesn't seem worth bothering others with my stuff, especially when mine seems so minor in comparison.

I do get afraid and angry and jealous just like anyone else. I'm not the best at sharing negative emotions when I'm in the midst of them though because I haven't yet learned how to do it in an appropriate way. I end up saying and doing things that I regret. And then once I've worked through it myself there doesn't seem to be much point in talking about it since whatever inner turmoil I had has been resolved and bringing it up might just cause others distress.

I'm also not the best at coming up with what is going on for me on the spot. As bad as it sounds I'm not that in touch with myself. I know if in general I feel good or I feel like something is off but it takes a lot more thought for me to be able to put my finger on specific emotions and their causes. Hmmm maybe I need to be sent home with homework assignments to write out my feelings :D. I also have the non-violent communication book in my office. Although I know the principles of non-violent communication I'm not entirely sure that in the heat of the moment I would be able to adhere to that style of communication. I have been known to be quite nasty when I'm upset.

It's not my intention to put up walls, at least not between myself and others. I think that maybe subconsciously I have put up walls between my thinking and feeling self. I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing that.

Arrowbound

04-03-2012, 02:46 AM

I've been in that space myself, just holding things in, until it gets so uncomfortable and hot I burst.

I think you should probably start by being honest, with yourself. If something really does bother you, accept that it bothers you, and write it down. A part of my internal changes have come from accepting that I am, in fact, bothered by certain things. I'm not stoic. I have pretended to be stoic from 6th grade up until age 20. Then I lost my mother. And the dam broke.

No one is safe. I do have a filter but if something needs to be said right away you damn right I'm saying it. Not only that, if you voice what's going on with you, people can know instead of assuming.

And clearly people do want to know. Trust in that.

BlackMagicBlonde

04-12-2012, 12:31 PM

just read Derby's opening post to this thread....two BIG thumbs up for you!!!

Derbylicious

04-19-2012, 09:39 PM

I have a couple of new things in my life that I'm working on at the moment. They are related to each other though which is kind of interesting.

The first is that I'm working on getting more in touch with how I feel and once I know how I feel I'm working on expressing it. It's not an easy thing for me to d. I'm quite adept at talking about what is going on and how I'm reacting to it but I'm not good at pinpointing the emotion behind it.

The other thing I'm working on is figuring out what I want out of life. My husband has been talking for a while about wanting to invest in real estate. I don't have a passion or a drive to pursue it. Maybe the lack of drive comes from not having a big picture dream to be passionate about. Maybe there just isn't anything that I want that passionately to be able to embark on something completely new.

If anyone has links on how to identify emotions or how to figure out what you want out of life please send them my way. I think it's a time for personal growth and I'm only going to be better for it.

SNeacail

04-19-2012, 09:50 PM

I have found that writing out the situation as well as my reaction to it helps me. I'm real big on the I'm upset, but don't know why. I can go through 3-4 different explanations before getting it right.

marksbabygirl

04-24-2012, 03:09 AM

Thanks for the great visit this weekend!!

Derbylicious

04-24-2012, 03:23 AM

I was going to write about our visit. It was good to see you MBG. You have incredible strength!

marksbabygirl

04-24-2012, 03:31 AM

I was going to write about our visit. It was good to see you MBG. You have incredible strength!

*waits patiently for Derby's side of how the weekend went*

:D:p:o

Derbylicious

04-24-2012, 03:38 AM

I just didn't want to be posting things here without checking with you first :p

So as you all may have gathered by now I went over to see MBG on the weekend. Her husband has been sick in the hospital for the past 3 months and she's had a lot of other life things going on too. So we've been keeping in touch over facebook and I've been wanting to go over and spend some time with her and hopefully be something of a distraction and some fun since the rest of her life is a little intense at the moment.

We had a visit with her husband and some good talks. I find it amazing what you can cope with and adjust to if you need to. I get the feeling that MBG is giving herself a hard time for not doing better and not being able to do more but I think the amount that she is doing and is holding together is really phenomenal. Hopefully there will be more visits in the near future.