Reasonable Boundaries

[glowinthedarkstars]

I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex. I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this,
one suggested was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night "ie. there will be drinking and im seeing this girl that i think is cute, something may happen" in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessining that "surprise factor". The other option I have is to suggest this sort of boundary.

I dont feel the desire to make any sorts of rules like "you can not have sex unless I am included" as I have no desire for that.

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states id prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) may not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.

Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

I have trouble making boundaries because I feel a lot of jealousy and to me boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partnerS to a bunch of absurd boundaries and at the same time I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.

[Ithink]

Sounds to me like you and your partner need to do a WHOLE lot more communicating before either of you progress into a Poly relationship. IMHO when you, as a couple, move toward Poly BOTH of you should feel absolutely secure and comfortable in the knowledge that, no matter what else happens, your commitment to each other will still bond you together. Period. All the niggling little questions and fears have been brought out into the open and solutions either willingly agreed to or the emotion dragon has been slayed. If BOTH of you are not moving towards Ploy with a willing heart and an eager smile with just a tinge of anticipatory fear then there needs to be more communication and happy agreement or disaster awaits the union.
That's my two one hundredths of a dollar on the topic.
IThink.

[eklctc]

I would agree that thorough communication is in order but I do not believe their should be any issue with setting boundaries. Poly relationships are not about sex so, if you believe your partner is the type who can seek sex first before the relationship, maybe being poly is not the best fit. You guys can recruit via swinger's sites if that is primary for your partner. To me, once you've entered into a poly relationship, the sex is no longer casual so ... seems like there needs to be an in-depth sit down.

[TL4everu2]

Ummm....Having sex prior to a date, is classified as "swinging" to my wife and me. We have been out on 6 or 7 dates with the same woman within the last 3 weeks. Still not even as much as a kiss from her. I haven't tried to push it either. We are trying to build this relationship from the ground up, and are going super slow so we can make it last a lifetime. We really hate the hunt, and therefore, try to make things last as long as possible.

We have gone out on dates before and slept with the person/people on the first date. Two of those, turned into relationships which lasted around 3 years. This time though....we are hoping for a longer relationship. :)

[redpepper]

You can and should request a boundary for anything that you think you might, or are uncomfortable with... whether or not your partner agrees is up to them and if they don't then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them...

agreed, more communication.

[Vinccenzo]

About the only boundaries I find suspicious are the ones where partners are only allowed to choose a particular gender when they have attraction to both.
Such as when a male in a poly relationship insists that the female in the relationship only take on other female partners or VV.

[polytriad]

You can and should request a boundary for anything that you think you might, or are uncomfortable with... whether or not your partner agrees is up to them and if they don't then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them...

agreed, more communication.

Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything? You already identified you differ in the realm of casual sex right? How would you feel if you were told that it makes your partner uncomfortable that you didnt have causal sex the first time you meet someone? .....


Boundaries are in my option covers for insecurities or deeper issues. Ask yourself why you need such a boundary? Are you afraid of something? get down to the bottom of why boundaries are needed...Boundaries set by those involved with one another are different then boundaries set by an outside party.

For example: if I were to tell wifey that I do not want her to kiss SlikkNikk in public, then that would be me setting the stage for a relationship that I'm not involved in especially if those involved disagree with said boundary. To add to that it also creates an issue with natural progress in a relationship. But one set by those involved like the one from 40 year old virgin "no sex for 20 dates" keeps those who are involved in control of their own relationship.

Just my thoughts
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PT

[SNeacail]

Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything?

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it and sometimes we also need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it, to me his is just ignoring me.

[Ariakas]

I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex.


Ok...ummm...to reverse this, how comfortable would you be with your partner telling you to have sex on your first date to help them be comfortable with it being a sexual relationship.

I understand peoples boundaries but sometimes peoples styles are just different. If I meet the right person, sex becomes a big part of the getting to know you stage. I would be a little resentful if that was absolutely 100% restricted.

Now as a full grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches, no. But being forcibly restricted like that can be a tough pill to swallow.

Now, I can count on one hand (well less than) the number of times I have had casual sex and it didn't become more. So for me, sex is a gateway into a relationship of some kind. I am not likely to offer up my sexuality unless there is more than just a chance of bumping pelvises.

In the inverse, to further my example. I can count on 1 finger the number of people I took time to get to know, fall in love with and then have great sex with. (My girlfriend, listed in my signature for the record)

So if your partner is anything like me, you are restricting his ability to find love. Imo.


I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this,
one suggested was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night "ie. there will be drinking and im seeing this girl that i think is cute, something may happen" in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessining that "surprise factor". The other option I have is to suggest this sort of boundary.

How has that worked for you, that mental preparation? I will continue below.


Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states id prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) may not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.

you have to figure that out. Does knowing at all actually help or hinder. Maybe those initial stages of his finding a relationship are best left unsaid. Oh I know, this is bordering on DADT. But its not. What wrong with him saying "I am interested in a girl, we have a date" and leave it at that. Let him build his relationship how HE builds it. Sometimes the details just get in the way of the big picture.


Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

Never. :)


I have trouble making boundaries because I feel a lot of jealousy and to me boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partnerS to a bunch of absurd boundaries and at the same time I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.

Most absurd boundaries are ones where the person is seeing their ruleset through their eyes only. Some people could use a real dose of removing the rose coloured glasses. You are asking questions, thats awesome, it means you are trying to process. Kudos to you :) :)

To others (whoever said swinging)
Since when did common dating practices become swinging? This type of casual sex encounter is as common as hanging out and waiting for someone you love to walk up and smack you on the head. It sounds like the bf in this case wants to be free to date as he would as a single man. Very different than swinging, which I think is very couple centric.

Casual sex is not the antithesis of poly. They can be married together nicely.

Ari

[MonoVCPHG]

Now as a full grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches, no.

I just have to correct this statement....I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you...you're a bit more than "full grown" ;)

[polytriad]

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it and sometimes we also need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it, to me his is just ignoring me.

The difference is that you probably ask if something is bothering him. I'm talking about doing some thinking before talking or talk to him/her and ask for help getting to the bottom before posing unrealistic boundaries

[Ariakas]

I just have to correct this statement....I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you...you're a bit more than "full grown" ;)

haha...Touche...:p

[TL4everu2]

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

My wife and I have boundries set, so that we have certain actions which are reserved for just each other. It's our little way to let each other know that we are still attached. Now, my gf, V, and I don't have anything that is just ours yet....Maybe someday, when we get further into our relationship, we will. But I'm not going to put the cart in front of the horse on that one.

[Ariakas]

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships. .

That makes no sense. At its root poly is simply loving more than one. Being open doesn't do that by itself. Everything around poly that is anything beyond loving more than one is a construct created by people involved.

I am not saying there shouldn't be boundaries. But the boundaries should be reasonably fair. My point still works as I can see it from that side of the coin. I don't usually build relationships as nice slow simmering love buckets of friendship. It worked amazingly well with SJ, but that is a unique experience in my world. Hell I even met my wife as a "quickie"...

My wife and I started with boundaries...lots of them. As we progressed we dropped those boundaries, renegotiated and replaced. I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast and they are fair.

Forcing someone to be someone they aren't for the sake of comfort just feels wrong to me (it would be like my wife forcing me to stop having female friends, it wouldn't happen, ever). She is describing a fundamental difference in how the socialize.

Thats my 2 cents anyways.

[neohio44122]

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.



I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF, I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style ect..?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her, her relationships last for years (she only has one BF at a time). I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage she has had 6 bf's, the longest lasted 8 years.

[TL4everu2]

I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast and they are fair.
I agree to this Ari. My wife and I have had boundries set in place for a long time....however, as we have matured, a LOT of them have fallen by the way side.

I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF, I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style ect..?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her, her relationships last for years (she only has one BF at a time). I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage she has had 6 bf's, the longest lasted 8 years.To answer one of your questions, I am currently dating someone that I can't kiss passionately yet. I have no desires to do so yet, but....my wife isn't comfortable with me doing that yet either. HOWEVER....I asked her if she would be OPEN to the idea. Maybe not this week...Maybe not this month....Hell, maybe not in SIX months...but as long as she's OPEN to the idea, I'm good and OK. Our GF is ok with us having restrictions, and understands them.

One of our boundaries is that I don't take our GF on the motorcycle. The reason? Because it is something special that my wife and I do together to be closer. Now, V and I will find things that we like to do together....as will her and my wife L.

I totally understand and SUPPORT boundaries within poly relationships. But as Ari said, they should be fluid and be able to be re-negotiated at future dates.

[neohio44122]

I totally understand and SUPPORT boundaries within poly relationships. But as

I support boundaries that my wife sets for herself. I don't see how people can have a real relationship with restrictions, but to each their own. As long as her BF treats her right and makes her happy, I'm fine with what ever they do. I do think no kissing is a little silly. You can have sex but no kissing.

Now the boundaries my wife set for her self is different with me and her BF. She like anal, she will do that with her current BF but not me (I'm much larger than him). That doesn't bother me, that’s something special she does with him.

[FitChick]

I guess it comes down to the individual couple,I like boundaries but my bf is a little more fluid,but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur,and he normally asks me how I feel.
For me some people are more 'safe' than others and this is something I have to come to terms with especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me..that inherently arouses my suspicions.

[Penny]

I think the fact that you are unsure that this boundary would even make you feel better makes it a bit arbitrary and not reasonable. You should be cautious about asking your partner to make major alterations in his style of sex and intimacy.

You are basically asking him to behave in a way that is unnatural to him. Certainly it is impossible to avoid doing this sometimes, being civilized often requires us to act in ways that go against our raw impulses.

What is it about casual sex that bothers you? Is it possible that you are simply stalling, hoping that the sex will never happen at all?

You aren't totally comfortable with poly, and that's perfectly understandable. I don't think these boundaries will help with that. You need to figure it out a bit more, IMO, before looking to apply cures.

[TL4everu2]

I guess it comes down to the individual couple,I like boundaries but my bf is a little more fluid,but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur,and he normally asks me how I feel.
For me some people are more 'safe' than others and this is something I have to come to terms with especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me..that inherently arouses my suspicions.Yes, this is true. My wife feels WAY more at ease with some women, and less with others. We dated a couple once before for almost 3 years. Toward the end of our relationship with them, my wife was so comfortable with the female that she said she didn't care if I went out on dates with her, and even played alone with her. THAT was a surprise to me....as that was always a rule to NEVER be broken. I did go on A date with her alone, but I never played alone, but it was nice to know that I had the option to do it.

The new woman that we are dating now, my wife was concerned about in the beginning. Now, not as much. The reason: We've been dating her for a couple weeks now, and no attempts to have sex have been made by anyone. We had a conversation one night with V about this. We (I) explained to her that we wanted a VERY long term relationship with someone. And we weren't just looking to go to bed with them. She said she was looking for the same thing this time. We have all three matured beyond just casual sex, and are all three looking for something more....real. Thats not the right word for what I'm meaning, but I can't find the right word right now. Suggestions? Maybe "depth/deep"?

This new woman for us, knows our boundaries, and respects them. She also knows that the longer we are all three together, these boundaries may fall by the wayside and be abolished....at least with her. ;)

[nightwalker]

you may have to iron out both your definitions of polyamory. to some its more casual and distant and not everyone knowing everyone else or not having to disclose everything. to others its about the couple adding more deep meaningful relationships to create a poly family.

[redpepper]

Wow, I have to go to work and so much to say... I hate that...:mad: stupid work.
Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything? You already identified you differ in the realm of casual sex right? How would you feel if you were told that it makes your partner uncomfortable that you didnt have causal sex the first time you meet someone? .....I already assumed that she had thought about why she needed some boundaries before hand. I'm not so sure that just starting to talk about stuff is a bad idea... often it makes us vulnerable to just express how we feel without really knowing why, but because we are in the emotions of it at the time. That way a process can occur and we can get to the bottom of it together. Boundaries should always be fluid I think and this should be assumed, said, and then assumed for there on in. If she is struggling then she has every right to say so no?

Other notes with no time to quote people;
I think that often some people are not as confident or don't have the same depth of love as others for others. To think that we should blow off the feelings we have I think is dangerous in my opinion. I don't think sucking it up and just dealing is ever a way to create more depth and connection in our lives. That comes with struggle and working on things like boundaries.

I find that some of the poly community is big on bowling over peoples jealousy and other hard emotions so that they can have freedom to be with whomever above all. While I admire this to one extent I wonder about the depth of relationship, the quality of relationship and whether or not the relationship is simply low grade. Where is the love in blowing off the emotions of those that we say we love?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately and have been studying it (see my blog of the last week or so). I think that we should always make ourselves as vulnerable as we feel comfortable to others in order to achieve the most out of our life. If we don't and try and safe face all the time then we are left with low grad experiences and walk through life numb.

The OP is struggling and hurt, why should she not see if she can ease that with her partners help. If he is not willing to look at this with her and is not willing to respect her feelings then I wonder if this partner is a good match for her.

[NeonKaos]

I find that some of the poly community is big on bowling over peoples jealousy and other hard emotions so that they can have freedom to be with whomever above all. While I admire this to one extent I wonder about the depth of relationship, the quality of relationship and whether or not the relationship is simply low grade. Where is the love in blowing off the emotions of those that we say we love?

It seems that people take their OWN jealousy seriously, but when it comes to a partner's jealousy, it's viewed simply as an obstacle or an "elephant in the room" that the partner "needs to deal with" so that the person can move their social life forward. "How can I help my partner with his or her jealousy so that I can go do what I want without coming home to drama?" It should be "How can I be the best partner I can be so that even when he or she feels jealous, he/she feels safe discussing it with me?"

I've noticed that Rarechild and Catfish are a good example of the latter. There are far too many "good examples" of the former to mention.

[polytriad]

Forcing someone to be someone they aren't for the sake of comfort just feels wrong to me (it would be like my wife forcing me to stop having female friends, it wouldn't happen, ever). She is describing a fundamental difference in how the socialize.

Thats my 2 cents anyways.

Praise Aphrodite! I've never understood boundaries in a relationship. Its not fair to your other partner(s) that there relationship is being dictateded to appease another persons comfort level. I really think this has more to do with insecurities or other internal issues whither its jealousy,fear, paranoia....etc...matter of fact we have some boundaries that I disagree with but it is due to admitted insecurities and we are working on that with her (no names)

I've been in situations where there were boundaries and its not a good feeling to be limited on how you can express your feelings to one of your "multi love" partners. Love without limits right?

all in all if you can get your partner(s) to genuinely agree then any boundaries can be set and would be considered reasonable. Though I disagree I thought it be good to answer you question. :D

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PT

[MonoVCPHG]

I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship;.

Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?

[polytriad]

Wow, I have to go to work and so much to say... I hate that...:mad: stupid work.
I already assumed that she had thought about why she needed some boundaries before hand. I'm not so sure that just starting to talk about stuff is a bad idea... often it makes us vulnerable to just express how we feel without really knowing why, but because we are in the emotions of it at the time. That way a process can occur and we can get to the bottom of it together. Boundaries should always be fluid I think and this should be assumed, said, and then assumed for there on in. If she is struggling then she has every right to say so no?

At work now and ture it sucks:mad:...Lol Lucky I run the IT department so I'm not limited to what I do with my computer.

I agree that discussing it without the expectation of change to get down to the bottom of why a boundaries should be set with your partner(s) is an awesome idea. Vulnerability is a precious give to be given to deserving people and I'm all for it...I fee like vulnerability and a very close second to giving someone your love.;)

Cheers
PT

[MonoVCPHG]

Having an open relationship of whatever dynamic is seen as a gift by alot of people. In enjoying that gift is it not too much to take into account the emotional impact of our actions on those we supposedly love? And if those people we supposedly love need reassurances through things that we see as having temporarily restricting confines on our ability to enjoy that freedom, are we so caught up in our right to do whatever that we discount thier emotions? Do we leave them to deal with "their shit" on their own. If this is the case than there is definitely very different concepts of what loving someone means.

If a person looks at another person and says "hey, that's your issue, deal with it" and follows that up with "I love you" than the person being spoken too should seek help building thier self confidence and find someone who actually does love them.

Then again, if you are simply engaging in multiple relationships on surface levels, I get it. It's something without limits but I doubt it's love.

[polytriad]

Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?

Aha! here is an example of a reasonable boundary/standard. Being informed of an activity that involves people not inside of whatever poly relationship type you have is not limiting. although depending on the relationship type certain things might already be known factors. "Talk to me before you discipline my children" "let me know if you meet someone new" "monogamy within our v, triad..and so on" this also skates on the lines of standards. I have standards but I dont consider those boundaries. I'd expect my partner to want to communicate to me without the expectation of change but with the hope to tackle things as a team. So as far as being consulted of some activity's sounds more like a standard to me. :)

Love without limits:D
PT

[Penny]

My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.

This makes the boundaries arbitrary.

I don't think that they will help until the underlying issues are resolved, one way or another. Rules are not a substitute for deep examination when it comes to dealing with insecurities.

I believe there is such a thing as reasonable boundaries, but they must have coherent reasons behind them.

[Derbylicious]

OP I get where you're coming from and having a hard time wrapping your head around your boyfriend finding love in different ways than you do. I personally don't think there's a problem setting a temporary boundary under the condition that you are going to work on why casual sex is a trigger for you.

Set a date to revisit the boundary and be open to adjusting it as you feel more comfortable in yourself. This goes back to moving at the speed of the slowest person. It really is ok to not be comfortable with things right off the bat, as long as you're willing to work on yourself and talk to each other so that you can both be happy and comfortable in the relationship.

[neohio44122]

My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.



I agree. I would suggest that she googles to see if there is a active poly group in her area. We joined a poly group years ago, they helped me with my issues.

[Derbylicious]

My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.

This makes the boundaries arbitrary.

I don't think that they will help until the underlying issues are resolved, one way or another. Rules are not a substitute for deep examination when it comes to dealing with insecurities.

I believe there is such a thing as reasonable boundaries, but they must have coherent reasons behind them.

Hence making the boundaries temporary with a firm date to revisit them and adjust. This way it give time for the person struggling to do that deep examination and address the underlying problem. If one feels that they are drowning in a situation they aren't going to be able to tackle the big questions at best and at worse they are going to become more and more defencive and set up more and more walls.

[redpepper]

So most of what we are talking about to me is the difference between boundaries, compromises and rules... all very different and something I have thought about and talked about a lot. I think I will write about it on my blog for further reference as I seem to feel the need to repeat myself quite often and then just cut and paste :D. Of course, you all don't have to agree with me, but I have found breaking it down has really helped establish for me what I am really talking about and has helped me to describe to who I'm with what it is that I want to discuss in negotiating.

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM :D otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.

Anyway, hope that helps Glow?

[neohio44122]

Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?

My wife is not into casual sex, that wouldn't happen. She did go to a Jack and Jill party with her boy friend and masturbated with 2 other couples. She told me afterwards, I was fine with it.

Aha! here is an example of a reasonable boundary/standard. Being informed of an activity that involves people not inside of whatever poly relationship type you have is not limiting. I have standards but I dont consider those boundaries. I'd expect my partner to want to communicate to me without the expectation of change but with the hope to tackle things as a team. So as far as being consulted of some activity's sounds more like a standard to me. :)

Love without limits:D
PT

I agree with polytriad, standards are not boundaries. Sometimes poly people treat the 3rd person(secondary) like they are irrelevant, they have needs to. I try to make my metamour fell welcome and invite him into our lives. We both love the same person, and she love both of us.

[MonoVCPHG]

My wife is not into casual sex, that wouldn't happen. She did go to a Jack and Jill party with her boy friend and masturbated with 2 other couples. She told me afterwards, I was fine with it.

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Cool, thanks for clarifying :)

[glowinthedarkstars]

OP I get where you're coming from and having a hard time wrapping your head around your boyfriend finding love in different ways than you do. I personally don't think there's a problem setting a temporary boundary under the condition that you are going to work on why casual sex is a trigger for you.

Set a date to revisit the boundary and be open to adjusting it as you feel more comfortable in yourself. This goes back to moving at the speed of the slowest person. It really is ok to not be comfortable with things right off the bat, as long as you're willing to work on yourself and talk to each other so that you can both be happy and comfortable in the relationship.

I think maybe a temp boundry is a nice idea. its good to see things in shades of grey

[glowinthedarkstars]

So most of what we are talking about to me is the difference between boundaries, compromises and rules... all very different and something I have thought about and talked about a lot. I think I will write about it on my blog for further reference as I seem to feel the need to repeat myself quite often and then just cut and paste :D. Of course, you all don't have to agree with me, but I have found breaking it down has really helped establish for me what I am really talking about and has helped me to describe to who I'm with what it is that I want to discuss in negotiating.

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM :D otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.

Anyway, hope that helps Glow?

Wow THis is REALLY helpful. I didnt realize what a world of difference it makes to distinct these rules from boundries and compromises. Do you mind if I email this post to P and N? or I can just summarize... that works fine as well !

[redpepper]

Be my guest Glow, its for public consumption. :)