compromise ideas needed

[nightwalker]

we are getting married and have a young daughter. my partner wants to continue seeing new partner and I want to defer poly for a while how can we compromise?

[Penny]

Well, to answer that we need to know what agreements did you have in place when he began the new relationship, and what justification do you have for changing the rules? When did he start the relationship in relation to the decision to get married? What's changed since he started seeing this other person?

Keep in mind that when he started seeing the other person, there were rules and expectations in place. Changing those is potentially unfair not only to him, but to his partner, who is likely an innocent bystander in this.

[redpepper]

I am not a fan of compromise as it indicates to me that getting to the bottom of an issue has not happened yet and that boundaries are precariously placed still. Usually a compromise is made as a temporary measure in order to preserve a moment where everything is up in the air.... for me it's about boundary setting...

Can they cut back in order to enjoy your new married life? Can you give a bit on the all or nothing bit and allow some time for them to be together? These are the questions that need to be asked I think...

I think I would be remembering that this isn't my life and my life only, you are part of three peoples lives, yours, your partners and their partners. That is possibly four or five different relationships to take care of. Who are you to make the be decisions on those? Where is the consideration, compassion, and respect? They are not getting married, you are to your partner... that is a totally different relationship to that that involves you. It needs to be respected as such I think.

[nightwalker]

well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place

[Somegeezer]

As I've seen people say many times [and I agree with them], you should have sorted out relationship problems before you ever considered poly. But seeing as it has already happened, I feel it is unfair on his other partner to be brought into all that now. You and your partner should talk about your probems and try to solve exactly what is wrong WITHOUT harming the relationship between him and his other partner.

[geminigirl]

I agree with Somegeezer. There is already another person (and another person's heart) involved, and it deserves as much respect as your heart or your partner's heart. What exactly are you worried about with regard to your upcoming wedding and to the welfare of your young child? I can assure you that polyamory, when it's healthy and respectful, is not harmful to children.

[Penny]

But there is an issue of time and attention. I've run into the phrase "love is infinite, time is not" on poly sites and I think its an important thing to bear in mind.

I have a young daughter, age 6. and my second relationship does take away from time spent with her. Fortunately for me, my daughter loves the fact that mommy being busy means she gets to spend two nights a week at grandma's house. If, however, my time with my boyfriend interfered with my ability to take care of my little girl, I would have to figure something different out. And, yes, the boyfriend might have to suffer, but he has always known that I have obligations that have to come first.

If the OP's partner is not spending enough time with the OP and with their child, then it is up to the partner to find that time.

That time does not have to come from time spent with the new partner, though it could. The new partner is irrelevant. The OP's needs and the needs of their household and child are what is relevant. It is up to the OP's partner to figure out how to juggle these things, though all involved should try and help figure these things out.

Nightwalker, try couching your requests in terms of what you need and aren't getting, what time you need and so on, and not in terms of the new partner. If you have insecurities, address those.

My advice is to make it about you and your child, not about the new partner and give your partner a chance to make things good without causing pain to this third person.

You did agree to this, and you have, by proxy, a responsibility to not renege on the deal. BUT your partner has made a deal with you, and if he/she is not keeping up their end, you have a right to have your concerns addressed.

Just make it about your needs and those of the kid and let your partner figure out where the time is coming from.

Your partner may be having a hard time regulating NRE (new relationship energy), which is a concern you can address. It's normal and common, and it's your partner's responsibility to make sure the established relationship is being tended to properly, especially when there is a child involved.

[Penny]

Okay, I got it now, Nightwalker is male and his partner is female. Not that it matters, but it makes sorting out the pronouns easier.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask, Nightwalker, did you feel emotionally blackmailed or pressured into agreeing to the poly arrangement?

Polyamory is not a tool for fixing relationship problems. As someone else here said, that works about as well as people having kids in order to fix their relationships.

Many of us are showing concern for the new partner. This is someone who got sucked into the drama between you and your partner. That sucks, and is unfair.

You must always treat others as an end unto themselves, not as a means to an end.

But, yes, your child comes first. Your partner has a duty, and she has to figure out how to fulfill it. The new partner might well end up getting the short end, and I feel for this person. You should too, and try to have compassion as you work to figure things out.

Sorry for the double post.

[nightwalker]

I thought I posted this already but don't see it showing up so here it is again......Yes I am a man and yes I did agree to poly when my gf suggested it. She was unhappy and felt that poly was the solution to keep us together as a family. Then the first guy she meets she falls head over heels in NRE for and I felt our daughter and I were completely blanked. she wants to see him at least one full day a week. I want a poly break so that we can work on us and look after daughter and rapidly upcoming wedding. I am looking to compromise as I feel she is giving an ultimatum. I want gf and OP to enjoy time together but I feel family is losing out. Any good compromise ideas would be warmly welcome.

[Penny]

One day a week doesn't sound unreasonable to me, but it is her duty, when she is with you and your child, to be there fully for you. It sounds like she needs to manage her NRE better.

Also, a honeymoon period immediately prior to and after the wedding is not unreasonable. While specific time periods would be up to you and your partner, a week before and a week after might work.

The problem is that your poly experience started for the wrong reasons and it sounds like she is not living up to her obligations to her family.

Perhaps you can concede the one day a week while asking her to be more mindful of you and the little one when she is there. As the hinge in the V relationship, she has a lot of responsibility, and it sounds like she is not living up to her end of the bargain.

[redpepper]

'Compromise' will always be justs that; deals you have made that you suffer through and martyr yourself for. Sorry, I have no help in that's department. If you are wanting to discuss boundaries? I have a world of knowledge on that one as I am in a similar configuration and raising a kid just fine.
The boundaries we have, all of us together ere discussed, all of us together. My boyfriend knows and is fully on board with the fact that there is a child here and his metamours feelings, just as my husband and I realize the same thing.
Perhaps you all need to work together to come up with some boundaries that you are all comfortable with.

Your child will be fine. Adults need to have their own thing going on so kids can see they also can. I suggest you have your thing going on too. Its just healthy.

As to NRE? Well, that is a hazzard that comes with the territory. It ends and life normalizes.

[SNeacail]

I am wondering why you are getting married? Poly doesn't FIX a relationship. Existing relationships need to be very strong prior to introducing poly as a new dynamic. It creates a lot of stress and additional issues that a struggling relationship would have trouble overcoming. It sounds like you two need to do some serious work on your relationship prior to getting married. Have the problems been resolved or are they just being pushed aside and ignored?

[MonoVCPHG]

I am wondering why you are getting married?

I was wondering this too. Redpepper and I just talked about your situation and were concerned about the motivation behind taking this step. Hopefully you are not hoping that marraige will end the poly aspect of your partner and relationship. I don't mean to offend but what is the purpose of the planned marraige in your mind? Is it to create another level of bonding and declare your relationship or is there possibly a control issue?

Just thoughts my friend.

[redpepper]

Did you have an idea that marriage would mean the end of poly? Did you hope that you would become her primary and therefore have more say in what she does? Primary does not equate that, but some people assume that.

Are you both trying to make a point to each other somehow? That she really loves you because she committing? That you are a better man than anyone else?


There seems to be something a miss here. Maybe not. I could be completely wrong. Hopefully you'll get to the bottom of it, if there is, before getting married. Marriage does not make these things go away.

[nightwalker]

thanks for the concerns and yes we have concerns too. gf always wanted to get married so this is my way of saying I am in this for the long haul, I am committed to her and our daughter and to keeping our family together because I love them both dearly. she has to deal with new relationship and trying to fit that in to her life with work and young family so that is why I felt that a break from poly might work. I feel the other relationship is more important to gf than work or family or wedding and that is our main issue. we are trying to come to some compromise and create boundaries about poly while also planning a wedding and giving our young daughter what she needs. I am at home babysitting now while she is with OP so I am trying to be as helpful and supportive as I can.

[MonoVCPHG]

Perhaps having her come on here and reading about the affects of New Relationship Energy would help her understand herself, her actions and their affect on your family. Her blinders are on it seems.

[FlameKat]

I'm going to stick my neck out here -

It IS babysitting - if it is resented... through 15 years of marriage during which I babysitted our children - I was NEVER invited to go out, it was not my choice to stay behind... I was never offered a babysitter - and if I suggested it I would get the 'what kind of mother are you spiel' - big difference from the average situation I know BUT the point I make is if they can't afford a babysitter or if the OP is ALWAYS looking after the child without being asked or offered a babysitter (or at least offered equal recreational time without the child) so he can do something else - it IS babysitting or at least single parenting...

[nightwalker]

I wonder if a boundary of only being with one significant other at a time and keeing it vanilla would work?

[NeonKaos]

I'm going to stick my neck out here -

It IS babysitting - if it is resented... through 15 years of marriage during which I babysitted our children - I was NEVER invited to go out, it was not my choice to stay behind... I was never offered a babysitter

But it WAS your choice to have kids, no?

[nightwalker]

But it WAS your choice to have kids, no?

yes I love my daughter and I don't mind babysitting I just think we both need to be working on family and that should be our priority at the moment

[Derbylicious]

It's not babysitting when you are caring for your own children! I understand the resentment though if one parent is able to have "grown up time" and the other parent is always left with caring for the children.

Nightwalker, would you feel better if you were given one full day a week to pursue something of interest to you? To me that seems like a fair compromise. It sounds to me that you really need some time away to be yourself and to not be Daddy for a while.

This kind of thing still happens when people are monogamous. One partner can have a hobby or friend or job that takes them away from the family for long periods of time during the week. Is this other relationship healthy for your girlfriend? If it is try to shift your focus from it being another relationship to your need for time away as well and time as a family.

[nightwalker]

It's not babysitting when you are caring for your own children! I understand the resentment though if one parent is able to have "grown up time" and the other parent is always left with caring for the children.

Nightwalker, would you feel better if you were given one full day a week to pursue something of interest to you? To me that seems like a fair compromise. It sounds to me that you really need some time away to be yourself and to not be Daddy for a while.

This kind of thing still happens when people are monogamous. One partner can have a hobby or friend or job that takes them away from the family for long periods of time during the week. Is this other relationship healthy for your girlfriend? If it is try to shift your focus from it being another relationship to your need for time away as well and time as a family.

That would be fine but gf is always telling me to go off and do my own thing as if I am not wanted. our daughter is not 2 yet do I just think we need to take it easy for a while. I feel like I am living with two daughters Now and I am trying to be play Dad to my gf who is now acting like rebelious teenager. what do people think of my boundaries of we only see one other SO at a time and we keep these other relationships vanilla

[nycindie]

Do you clearly express to her how you feel and what you need? I may be wrong, but I have a hunch you are biting your tongue and not saying everything you need to in a direct way. Instead of starting off the conversation with the changes you want to make in your boundaries, what about telling her how you feel? You know, like: "I feel unwanted when you tell me to go off and do my thing. I feel unappreciated for all the work I am doing. I feel that our family's needs are being discounted. How can we balance this? I need to feel that you are investing as much into our relationship and our child as you are in this other person. I'm not comfortable with how you're handling this. I need your help and to be focused on planning the wedding." Things like that. Don't pussyfoot.

It's also possible that this sense you have that she's ignoring you, your child, and the things that are important to you are perhaps more your own perception and not what the reality is. But you won't find out without sitting down and discussing it directly and succinctly. Ask for time to be heard. I keep picturing her running out the door while you're trying to talk to her, but I don't know if that's just how you painted it.

[Derbylicious]

That would be fine but gf is always telling me to go off and do my own thing as if I am not wanted. our daughter is not 2 yet do I just think we need to take it easy for a while. I feel like I am living with two daughters Now and I am trying to be play Dad to my gf who is now acting like rebelious teenager. what do people think of my boundaries of we only see one other SO at a time and we keep these other relationships vanilla

What do you mean by keeping the other relationships vanilla? Do you mean no kinky sex? If so I'm wondering what difference it makes what kind of sex people are having with each other.

Unfortunately to me your boundaries are still sounding an awful lot like an ultimatum. I think you would be better off voicing what your needs are and asking her to meet those needs for you rather than trying to take something away from her that she values.

I think your girlfriend may have a different perception of what it takes to be a good parent. She might need that time away to reconnect with herself so that she doesn't start feeling lost in being a parent while losing her own identity (I'm projecting here because that's how I felt early on before I reconnected with myself). When she is with you and your daughter is she engaged and interested in being there?

I have more to say but unfortunatlely it's time for work.

[redpepper]

This sounds like a whole lot of NRE on her part and a desire to have her old life back again. I can relate to that big time. I felt the same way after two years of child rearing, it sucked and I felt really worn down. I was not a good baby mumma. I am a rockin boy mumma now though, I just didn't dig the baby thing. Maybe I should of played with dolls more. I wasn't a big doll player either, I dunno, whatever, the fact of the matter is that she seems to need this for some reason. You are a symbol of what she wants to run away from perhaps as you are the Dad...

I would ask her if this is what is going on. Then ask her what you can do to help make her feel like her roll as a Mum is needed, appreciated and necessary. It's not just you that is missing out on her, it's your daughter, and that isn't okay even more. NRE is all fine and dandy and fun, but it has to be sucked up to parent and be a good partner. I had to do it, and so does everyone else. We do not have the luxury of being a single monogamous child free person anymore. If we wanted that then we shouldn't of had kinds and shouldn't be poly.

I would suggest a search on here for NRE. There is a lot on here that is really good info and insight. I would also suggest that you partner start reading also... or at least create and opportunity to tell her what you have learned and what you think.

[ray]

As some one who is involved with a member of a married couple (we began dating shortly before their wedding) I would advise you to make a decision and not play with the gf's heart. she has feelings. I probably shouldn't get going on this one bc it's a sensitive topic right now. But it can be very hurtful when a relationship has to end because a third party is not comfortable with it.

[Derbylicious]

As some one who is involved with a member of a married couple (we began dating shortly before their wedding) I would advise you to make a decision and not play with the gf's heart. she has feelings. I probably shouldn't get going on this one bc it's a sensitive topic right now. But it can be very hurtful when a relationship has to end because a third party is not comfortable with it.

Agree 100%

[nightwalker]

What do you mean by keeping the other relationships vanilla? Do you mean no kinky sex? If so I'm wondering what difference it makes what kind of sex people are having with each other.

This might sound silly to some people who are into bdsm but seriously I never agreed to bdsm when she brought up poly. I said early on that I didn't want her tied up in SO's house as he lives in a remote location two hours travel from were we live. I don't really know anything about bdsm and would prefer if we explored bdsm or group sex or anything like that together for the moment until I can get my head around it all and that she sticks to safer vanilla sex for the moment. Her SO is big into having women being submissive to him and playing dom role.

[Derbylicious]

This might sound silly to some people who are into bdsm but seriously I never agreed to bdsm when she brought up poly. I said early on that I didn't want her tied up in SO's house as he lives in a remote location two hours travel from were we live. I don't really know anything about bdsm and would prefer if we explored bdsm or group sex or anything like that together for the moment until I can get my head around it all and that she sticks to safer vanilla sex for the moment. Her SO is big into having women being submissive to him and playing dom role.

Ah got it. I think it's fair to talk to her about wanting her to be safe. Is bdsm something that you're interested in exploring? If it isn't really something that you want to do personally you might be better off talking things through with her frequently and adjusting the boundaries that way rather than engaging in any activities that you're not really into yourself.

How well do you know her other partner? Are you willing to spend some time with each other and without her getting to know each other on a personal level.

[Penny]

If she has never been the submissive in a sexual relationship before, she might be experiencing sub frenzy (sometimes called sub fever) in addition to new relationship energy.

Tapping into submissive energy can be an overwhelming experience and, just like NRE, can interfere with rational thought and distort perceptions.

Educating yourself about dominance and submission would be a good place to start, as far as understanding where her head is at now and how to deal with it.

Your concerns for her safety are totally valid.

[unusuality]

I agree with Penny and Derby, as well as Redpepper and others in this thread. I say you're not gonna get ANYWHERE without fixing your underlying problems you have NOW and those you had BEFORE you both started poly.

But my two cents is this: PLEASE try to be FULLY OPEN to what she may say. Don't get wrapped up in your own emotions so much that you block out her opinions and scream your own to get your point across. Your pinned up anger may cause you to think and/or say something like this:
"SO WHAT!! FORGET HIM!!!! This is about OUR baby and US!!! We're supposed to be getting MARRIED!!

If you don't REALLY fix the problems BEFORE you say "I DO", wedding bands won't make it rosy, man. Be FULLY OPEN AND HONEST, and allow her to do the same. It's working for me. It'll do the same for you. No matter what the outcome.

[nightwalker]

I agree with Penny and Derby, as well as Redpepper and others in this thread. I say you're not gonna get ANYWHERE without fixing your underlying problems you have NOW and those you had BEFORE you both started poly.

But my two cents is this: PLEASE try to be FULLY OPEN to what she may say. Don't get wrapped up in your own emotions so much that you block out her opinions and scream your own to get your point across. Your pinned up anger may cause you to think and/or say something like this:
"SO WHAT!! FORGET HIM!!!! This is about OUR baby and US!!! We're supposed to be getting MARRIED!!

If you don't REALLY fix the problems BEFORE you say "I DO", wedding bands won't make it rosy, man. Be FULLY OPEN AND HONEST, and allow her to do the same. It's working for me. It'll do the same for you. No matter what the outcome.

Thanks Unusuality I know what your saying. I am finding it hard to get around the fact that we have a young child and are getting married and all she seems to be interested in is whatever her SO says or does. She is really going ott into his hobbies and interests. She was never a follower or never tried to fit in before but seems now she is trying hard to fit in with SO and his friends.

It has really transformed her and she has definitely a new lease of life, full of enthusiam and confidence but is this just the NRE. Do I know who she is or where this is all going? Should I wait until the NRE passes and be patient I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.

[nycindie]

I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.Talk to her!

Why do I keep having the feeling that you're holding back from saying anything to her and then coming here to express what's going on? The safety issue is very important, in addition to everything else.

[nightwalker]

Talk to her!

Why do I keep having the feeling that you're holding back from saying anything to her and then coming here to express what's going on? The safety issue is very important, in addition to everything else.

We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.

[MonoVCPHG]

We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.


Bluntness time..sorry my friend :(


Tell her you are not going to marry her. Not that you will leave her necassarily, but that you won't further entangle yourself with her unless she can get it through her head that relationships are not all about her getting exactly what she wants all the time. I seriously suspect you will end up being a paycheck and "child custodian". Is she really poly or are you just very convenient and reliable for her?

[SNeacail]

Tell her you are not going to marry her. Not that you will leave her necassarily, but that you won't further entangle yourself with her unless she can get it through her head that relationships are not all about her getting exactly what she wants all the time. I seriously suspect you will end up being a paycheck and "child custodian". Is she really poly or are you just very convenient and reliable for her?

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Mono here.

[Derbylicious]

We have no comminication problem we talk about it everyday and We do couples councelling. it all boils down to gf sticking to her guns and not willing to compromise. I am supposed to just suck it up but I don't know how long should I continue to be patient and continue to feel unhappy.

If you're not happy this isn't the right relationship for you. You shouldn't be in a relationship where you aren't happy with the way things are going. I'm going to guess that she isn't willing to compromise because then she wouldn't be happy with her relationship(s).

Mono is right, at this point you really shouldn't be getting married. Marriage isn't a magic pill that makes things better in relationships. If things don't feel right to you now how are you going to feel 5 or 10 years down the road when things haven't changed in a way that suits your needs? It sounds to me like you're at a place where you may need to redefine your relationship with her. I'm not saying that you should break up. You say that you love her. Maybe you need to talk to her about wanting to be able to keep on loving her but not being able to see how that can happen if things keep being the same way they are now. In your current situation you're just going to end up resenting her for not being able to be the wife and mother you need her to be.

The beautiful thing about relationships (when we're not busy listening to the 'should's' of the outside world) is that we have the opportunity to create them in whatever fashion best suits our needs. Maybe you and your girlfriend are better off dating and being co-parents than you would be as married partners. Maybe you would be better off in 2 separate houses or apartments. Only you and she can determine what relationship structure is going to be the healthiest for the both of you and for your child.

You shouldn't be miserable, nor should you wait around for someone to change to make you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. Decide what you need to be happy and then start working on a plan as to how to make that happen. Best of luck

-Derby

[polytriad]

I thought I posted this already but don't see it showing up so here it is again......Yes I am a man and yes I did agree to poly when my gf suggested it. She was unhappy and felt that poly was the solution to keep us together as a family. Then the first guy she meets she falls head over heels in NRE for and I felt our daughter and I were completely blanked. she wants to see him at least one full day a week. I want a poly break so that we can work on us and look after daughter and rapidly upcoming wedding. I am looking to compromise as I feel she is giving an ultimatum. I want gf and OP to enjoy time together but I feel family is losing out. Any good compromise ideas would be warmly welcome.

Late comment....But if you already agreed to poly and now have a change of heart then that should have been discussed before marriage especially if that is a contingency of you marring her. I also wonder if there was a sense of unhappiness why was there a marriage proposal...I'd suggest you pump your brakes and reevaluate your relationship and don't use marriage as a fix all......becasue like NRE the honey moon stage wears off then you/her are back to unhappiness.:eek:

[Polyaine]

Wow, I read this thread with my heart in my mouth. I am Nightwalker's then gf now wife. I found reading the responses to Nightwalker's post extremely powerful. All of Nightwalker's concerns and issues were discussed openly with me even as he was posting them here and we have tried our best to address them all. It has been a very challenging first year being poly. Thank you to all who posted. Nightwalker was having a really tough time in November and I am really glad that he found a place to ask his questions. Our poly community is really small and very changeable. For reasons better not mentioned Nightwalker could not express his difficulties in our local poly group, glad he found the forum. :)

[AutumnalTone]

well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place

Well, the replies haven't mentioned your child for a reason. A child realy isn't a reason to end a poly arrangement--lots of poly folks have children and it doesn't have much to do with whether or not the adults get, or stay, involved in a poly tangle. There's nothing about having a toddler that makes poly untenable.

That sounds to me like nothing other than a rationalization to avoid dealing with an actual issue. Here's the thing: dealing with issues is much better for any sort of relationship than avoiding issues. So, I'll recommend sorting out what the actuall issues are and dealing with those instead of scrambling to find excuses to rationalize motives and avoid settling issues.

[AutumnalTone]

She was unhappy and felt that poly was the solution to keep us together as a family.

That's a major problem. Adding more people to the mix is no way to fix a relationship that isn't working.

This--and not your child--is an actual *reason* to put things on hold. You'll have to settle the issues in your marriage before you can ever hope to have a successful poly tangle.

[nightwalker]

Hi Polyaine, welcome to the forum my love and thanks for posting and reading this discussion .

Yes everyone Polyaine and I did get married in December and we are still working on finding a way to make poly work in our relationship. I know a lot of my concerns are my own family of origin stuff but we all have baggage coming into relationships. How parents are emotionally makes a big impression on young children and this is important consideration for anyone planning to become poly. Poly has been a journey for the two of us and although it is painful at times it is also teaching us a lot about each other, about being a family, about being parents and also about life in general. One thing we have learned is that I find change challenging while Polyaine thrives on it and we have also discovered that we have different ideas about what polyamory means to us. I like the idea of it being about community and tribes while Polyaine likes having seperate relationships.

Hopefully we can learn from those who have already traveled this path and add our own experiences to the forum as our relationship evolves.