New Relationship Energy NRE and how it forms our relationships

[redpepper]

Our 'v' goes to a monthly meeting of poly people in our area and has met 15-30 wonderful diverse poly people. We talk about different topics in a larger group and then break up into groups to talk more personally about that topic or other issues to do with poly. This month we talked about New Relationship Energy (NRE).

I was not all that interested at first as I thought it was just about that glow one gets at the beginning of a new love relationship, but I was wrong, it is so much more.

One can have NRE over a new job, a new place to live, a new pair of shoes.... just about anything that makes one have that gleeful feeling inside of something new and delightful... even in discovering poly fits for you or in having compersion for your partners NRE.

We talked about different stories people had of their NRE and listened to a pod cast of a woman telling her story of NRE. She had left her home, job, family and friends to be with a man across the country that she had met on line and only met once. He turned out to have a severe drinking and gambling problem and control issues... he wouldn't let her leave the house he was so jealous of her talking to anyone. she also discovered that this late 30's man had just come out of a relationship with a 14 year old!!! talk about missing the red flags on that one! was this a bad case of NRE that got her into that mess?

So I thought I would start a thread on this topic as I think a lot of the people who come on here will find it helpful in figuring out their own relationships. It seems NRE is a strong force in forming where we go for the long haul in our relationships feeling comfy and secure and normalized eventually.

Any thoughts of stories to share?

[NeonKaos]

Well.

I've never had a problem with being in love with more than one pair of shoes. Most of my shoes are Birkenstock, but there are a few other brands. I need more than one pair of shoes to satisfy different needs that I have. I got great deals online for most of them, but some I paid full price for because I needed that style and just couldn't find it at a discount.

None of my shoes have ever been jealous when a new addition is made to our shoe-family, although I have discovered certain redundancies after the fact and re-directed some pairs to other folks either through my circle of friends or via eBay.

My relationship(s) with my shoes are very distinctly individual, and of course my love for one pair in no way diminishes the total amount of love I have to offer to as many shoes as will accept it.

That's about all I have to say about that for now. Thank you RP for bringing up this topic in its own thread!

[Quath]

I never thought of NRE for something other than a relationship, but looking back, I can see that I have gotten that way over a few things from a new job to a new video game. I guess I mostly relate it to relationships. I guess because it develops more slowly as you learn more and more about the person.

The big trick there seems to be to learn to shut up about the other person before you drive everyone else mad.

I also heard that podcast story of NRE where the woman left her job to be with such a loser. The big advise was not to change jobs, move make any major life changes until NRE wears off. I heard it on Polyamory Weekly. Is that where you heard it also?

[foxflame88]

I too never linked NRE to anything but relationships... but certainly see the endless posibilities.

[redpepper]

I also heard that podcast story of NRE where the woman left her job to be with such a loser. The big advise was not to change jobs, move make any major life changes until NRE wears off. I heard it on Polyamory Weekly. Is that where you heard it also?

yes I believe it was!
there is also the idea that long distant relationship NRE lasts longer.... anyone with that experience?

[bowtie]

there is also the idea that long distant relationship NRE lasts longer.... anyone with that experience?

I can certainly attest to this personally. I don't really have a good gauge on how long it is supposed to last, but I would have thought it would be over with by now. However, she doesn't seem to have experienced the same extended NRE period that I have, so I guess it really varies from person to person.

[Mark1npt]

Redpepper, there's always a certain burst of euphoria with anything new that occurs in our lives. A new car, new job, or, when I was younger, the smell of a new baseball glove.......ahhhhhh, didn't get any better than that.....and took a whole year to fade into that smelly, sweaty old leather smell! I guess we could term those events or smells as just "new energy" events as opposed to "NRE" where of course the emphasis is on the "R" for relationship.

My wife is a little put off by what she perceives to be this "new love". I don't think she's done enough reading to know about NRE, although I've touched on it. Isn't it normal (I hate to use that word) for anyone to be enamored with something new in our society? Don't we really want to hop in our new blue car because it's so different than our old red one? Shouldn't one of our friends tell us when that new blue car is dangerous or a lemon? Just thinking.....

[MonoVCPHG]

Don't we really want to hop in our new blue car because it's so different than our old red one? .....

:eek:Careful Mark... if your wife equates your old red car to her anatomy and your new blue one to someone else's, you are going to be in a world of poly hurt LOL!!

[Mark1npt]

Too late Mono, already opened up that can of worms.....:eek:....but in all reality, all of our bodies are different, just like all our personalities and life experiences are different. Certainly, the sexual side of things will be different as a result, too. I don't want to equate it as better, it's just different. And the emotional connection with my other love is different than with my wife, not better, just different. Just like a red car and a blue car are different.

[redpepper]

ahhh, my first car... I loved that thing. *sigh* I love the car I have now, as it is more reliable and fuel efficient and not about to fall apart if I drive over 80kms/hr (what ever that is for all you Americans!)... but I still have a soft spot for that old car.

yes I see the point.

I find it interesting about myself that I am not a "new things" hog. I don't go and buy expensive stuff to get that new feeling and think carefully and shop around if I do need something. I have never gone out and bought anything frivolous and out of want rather than need. Well, except that video camera years ago. I bought it with my student loan money. Still, it was a need to take a record of my 20's and I have all those videos that remind me of that time... I guess that is not frivolous...

anyway, that was a good analogy as it makes me realize something about myself and my relationships... I look for quality and am disappointed sometimes when it isn't there... I assume others do too and get frustrated when they just settle for cheapness in their relationships... as far as I'm concern we should all be going for gold when it comes to what we need in life.... hopefully the NRE will last and sustain for a long time that way.

[MonoVCPHG]

I assume others do too and get frustrated when they just settle for cheapness in their relationships.

We both need to accept that not everyone looks for what we do or emphasise the same aspects of relationships. Nice post Gorgeous..you continue to be my teacher as well as my boundless Love:D

[Mark1npt]

Liked your comment Redpepper! I can see why Mono is so enamored. But, you're so un-American up there in BC, not driven by the all consuming American need to have more of everything...and new, new, new, lol. Funny but my wife is just like you. I've had to beg her to go shopping sometimes to get something for herself that she really needs or just plain wants. She's just not material at all.

With regards to your comment on quality. I think you hit the nail right on the head. These two women in my life are two of the finest quality individuals I have ever known. Hence, I have told them both many times how I don't want to finish out my last 30 or 40 years on this planet without them both in my life. I hope we can keep on going for the gold!

[yoxi]

One of the problems with NRE is it leads to NRECD :) - the 'come-down' when the rush wears off - which can feel like a 'let-down', and so can lead to rejecting the thing/person who 'disappointed' you and going off looking for something/one new to NRE with.

Personally, it was only a couple of years ago that I realised that for most of my life, I had been in love with falling in love - in a way, the people were secondary to the experience itself.

[redpepper]

very good point yoxi. I think that just like buying something new, some people enjoy obtaining new relationships in the same way. I think that might be why some people enjoy an open relationship. There is no need or expectation to go very deeply into caring about someone if you are under the definition of open.

I think the relationship that just ended for me was more an open relationship to the man I was with. I started a thread that was about this relationship ending....."emotions and their role in poly." He never said he wanted depth.... just friends with benefits. This proves to not work so well for me. At some point I need a depth and a transition into something long term with that... I don't think this man ever has reached the depth that I require. I doubt sometimes a lot of people have.... it makes me said, but I suppose it is their chose.

One night stands are the same way too really. Our friends who are new to poly recently had a one night stand with another couple who were much younger than them.... they were on top of the world about it.... was this a form of NRE about being sexy and horny and masturbating on another persons body? perhaps? I don't think they will see them again... but I have lived enough to know that it is a similar energy created in a new relationship.

[Mark1npt]

Redpepper, you and yoxi hit the nail on the head. And it sounds like you too are discovering more than ever that you require that certain depth to your relationships that people who just want to be "open" don't. They just want to be "open". Big difference. And surely, some NRE does wear off over time with any new partner, or spouse or car for that matter. But there should be enough "energy" left for us to carry on with that person, rather than to just drop them like an old car, the moment we are no longer totally infatuated. NRE needs to be more than just "infatuation".

[MonoVCPHG]

In looking at NRE I had to determine what was the key factor that constitutes that energy for me. I don’t feel it was love, passion, sex or communication…those are stronger than ever! For me it was visions of the future.

I had that feeling like this would never change and the future we want could not be denied because we love each other so much. I felt that I could overcome my differing approach to sexuality and intimate relationships by the sheer force of my love. This was my NRE.

I know things aren’t as simple or cast in stone. I know this will not be the same forever. I have come out of my “future” NRE. It took me weeks to realize what was happening. I was obsessed with debating things in my mind. I actually practiced what I would say to re-shape our relationship..I practiced what I would say to explain withdrawing my intimate love and worked on not losing the best and most trusted friend I have ever known. Eventually, with help from her husband's advice through her, I found a working approach. I live in the moment, only concerned with loving her as much as I can in every second and helping her family grow in any way I can. I think realistically now, and try to approach our relationship in a way that will be in both our best interests….for now it is living in the moment.

There is a huge adventure ahead of us in this life. My head is held high, eyes open and I am prepared to work at holding on to what we have…. but my head is no longer in the clouds. It is back on earth where the work is.

I love her boundlessly, without equal and with everything I have. I have learned from my NRE and now just need to focus on giving her as much love as she can handle:)

[aussielover]

I suppose we would be in this stage.... Although I have known and loved them both for nearly 4 years, after our love rekindled (not quite the right word, as it never died out, but I suppose, came back together) I was again on this emotional high. I talk about them incessently to anyone I am 'out' to and who will listen. My cube at work is covered with pictures of them and our family (20, I counted). I send them messages and little love notes pretty well every day. When I was there I wanted nothing more than to be around them constantly. Never to lose out on a moment when I knew the moments were counting down.
I can see how it can be extended with a long distance relationship. I don't think there's a relationship out there thats more long distance than ours. The waiting and longing and needing just draws everything out longer. Delayed gratification. Finally the feeling of being with that person (or those people) is so amazing and gives you such a high... I can defenately see it lasting longer.
As this new stage in our life begins (my moving out there, and lol I have known them both a long time and have been in their home so no worries here about the unknown and dangerous issues you were speaking about earlier) we will have to see how this goes...
There is defenately that 'depth' between us... as not only am I infatuated with them both (obviously I am) but am truely in love with them as well..knowing them and loving them individually for who they are... a perk of an online start of a relationship is you really get to know the person very well... I can see us all three, old and grey still together and loving one another wholly..

[Sunshinegrl]

As this new stage in our life begins (my moving out there, and lol I have known them both a long time and have been in their home so no worries here about the unknown and dangerous issues you were speaking about earlier) we will have to see how this goes...
There is defenately that 'depth' between us... as not only am I infatuated with them both (obviously I am) but am truely in love with them as well..knowing them and loving them individually for who they are... a perk of an online start of a relationship is you really get to know the person very well... I can see us all three, old and grey still together and loving one another wholly..

I agree will all that you said.. But I dont plan to ever go grey thankyouverymuch. :p

[aussielover]

I agree will all that you said.. But I dont plan to ever go grey thankyouverymuch. :p

lol ok ok... you don't have to! hehe how 'bout... watching the grandkids play in the yard? hehe better?

[MonoVCPHG]

After a major break through I am happy to announce I am once again in a state of overwhelming NRE:D
Only this time it includes being able to look into the future with calm certainty...I love Repepper more and more every day...but now I do it without fear of loving her too much...she is a gift that I will always cherish.:)

[redpepper]

Oh my the love on here is so bright! It's great!

I think NRE can come with every stage of a relationship. I feel NRE for the new stage I am in with Mono too. It's NRE for a more grown up version of what we had. I remember telling him about how much I love my husband and that it could be like that between us. He didn't get it at the time and was concerned that our love would die out and I would get bored with him. How can I possibly get bored or run out of love when the communication abounds complete with radical honesty and with keeping our goals in mind. NRE seems to continue to come around for me as long as those goals are similar and nothing gets left unsaid.

[MonoVCPHG]

He didn't get it at the time and was concerned that our love would die out and I would get bored with him. How can I possibly get bored or run out of love when the communication abounds complete with radical honesty and with keeping our goals in mind. NRE seems to continue to come around for me as long as those goals are similar and nothing gets left unsaid.

I get it now, Lilo:D
Expect lots of communication!

[redpepper]

"I think a lot of people give others a free pass on unacceptable behavior, because "Well, it's just NRE." I look at NRE not unlike I look at the behavior of a woman on her period. Some people handle it well. Others don't. But I'm not going to say it's acceptable to treat a person poorly just because it's that time of the month. Neither am I going to excuse a person for treating someone poorly just because they have NRE."

Someone wrote this on the FB group I belong to, I thought it was worth repeating and discussing if anyone wants to. Speaking as a woman who understands what it feels like to be crazy on my period and crazy on NRE... the relation to one another makes sense to me :rolleyes:

[marksbabygirl]

"I think a lot of people give others a free pass on unacceptable behavior, because "Well, it's just NRE." I look at NRE not unlike I look at the behavior of a woman on her period. Some people handle it well. Others don't. But I'm not going to say it's acceptable to treat a person poorly just because it's that time of the month. Neither am I going to excuse a person for treating someone poorly just because they have NRE."

Someone wrote this on the FB group I belong to, I thought it was worth repeating and discussing if anyone wants to. Speaking as a woman who understands what it feels like to be crazy on my period and crazy on NRE... the relation to one another makes sense to me :rolleyes:

Yeah. That.

[NovemberRain]

Well, this is fun! I was going to start a new thread, but decided to use the tag search function (I has netiquette) and found my answer here.

I was going to ask if one can have NRE for friends. I think I met new friends today. :) No one ran away in disgust, and no one spit food, and we had fun and civil, AND POLY, conversation.

I've been pretty unwell for at least two weeks, and haven't had energy to do my things that must be done for longer than that. Today, I did more than I've done on one weekend day for a long time. I don't care if it's friendship NRE or that I'm final feeling better (or both), I'm just glad to have it.

NRE in my relationship (my polyship?) my vee, is interesting to me. I have been doing the rollercoaster. I really appreciate how rekindling my sexual relationship with First bf is making me appreciate Current bf even more. In many ways this is old slippers for all of us, but in many more, it's brand new territory.

[bella123456]

I've also been thinking of NRE a little of late. I've had numerous poly relationships in my past and numerous mono relationships. I don't really think of myself as poly or mono, but rather tend to work towards structure and comfort zones that seem appropriate at the time.

I have a question for others though, I tend to equate NRE as part of falling in love... I can't recall experiencing NRE outside of that. I have not felt NRE for partners I may love and adore... But are not in love with.
And I also feel that part of falling in love is the total abandon to that process. I don't have any interest in turning down the volume on that one... If anything I'm likely to want to turn it up :-)

Do other people link NRE to falling in love?
Or do others experience NRE outside of falling in love ?

[InfinitePossibility]

I very often feel NRE for things other than falling in love.

When I started my last degree, I can remember walking on air for weeks. And the same when I finished it. :D

I've had it over jobs.

Very often over platonic friendships.

And also with falling in love.

I have tried to take out and look at the feeling to see if I feel it differently when falling in love and I don't. It's pretty much the same thing to me. Lots of giddy excitement followed by the work and effort of trying to make the new bright thing in my life work.

I've sometimes wondered if that is part of the reason for me being so contented with being single for so long. The need for that sort of feeling in my life can be fulfilled whether or not I'm in a relationship.

[JohnnyDangerously]

The NRE from my LDR is making me feel like a damn 16 yo kid again!! :D

[ThatGirlInGray]

I think I'm going to start using "New Situation Energy" instead of "New Relationship Energy" because yes, I do feel it outside of relationships and friendships, whether it's a new (to me!) car or a career change or what-have-you.

TGIB and I have been trying to figure out if we're still in NRE (oops, I mean NSE! :P) or not. We do enjoy spending an AWFUL lot of time together, and since we are currently a LDR it makes sense that NSE could still be affecting us. (15+ months dating total, but only 5 months since making a commitment to each other that we're in this for better or for worse.)

Whether we are affected by NSE right now or not, I'm pretty sure we will be when he moves out here in June. It will be a new situation AND a new relationship as we figure out what is the same from our LDR and what has changed being around each other every day. In some ways, as excited as I am to have him here and to watch him create the life he wants, I'm even MORE excited for the chance to be completely over/out of NSE with him. I want so much to have that comfortable, "yes, I love you but I don't have to satisfy my craving RIGHT NOW because we have all the time in the world" feeling.