View Full Version : Forever Eklctc
10-30-2010, 05:23 PM
Here lies my space of manifestation where I will share all sorts of things.
As of mid-November 2010, I will have lived in Denver, CO for two years after taking a promotion with my company and relocating from Atlanta, GA. From September 2008 through June-July of 2010, I was on an unwanted sexual hiatus (excluding the one dick I sucked in the summer of 2009). Of course, I could have taken advantage of plenty of opportunities to have miscellaneous sex with various people, and did browse around for potentials; however, I just didn't due to bad vibes, pondering possibilities (mainly neutral and negative), not wanting to prep myself for sexual interaction, etc.
So, I was reintroduced to regular sexual activity once I began my current relationship (involved with married couple). Early on, my male partner and I agreed on a regularly scheduled program where we spend time together two days a week minimum. We don't always have sex both of those times but we normally have some type of sexual interaction. I've made it a point to have sexual interaction and sex both visits, moreso, now. From week to week, we can take advantage of other opportunities to see each other and/or have sex.
My female partner and I do not get to have regular sexual interaction. I would say that we have sex (either just us two or all three of us) approximately twice a month. We do get to see each other/interact more than twice a month though. I have suggested that she and I identify at least one day during the week where we can spend a few hours together as I have with my male partner. She agreed but we have yet to decide on the day and time and work it into our schedules.
I like to say that I have a moderate to high sex drive; however, my moderate is 4-5 days of sex at a minimum. Obviously, my high would be daily to possibly include more than one session a day. Both of my partners state their sex drives are moderate with their moderate maximum at 2-4 times a week. We all understand that those numbers don't add up which is okay since we are open and that gap can be filled elsewhere.
Now, that the foundation is laid, here is the meat of the story. I would love to have more sex with my partners and they are open to having more sex but I have an issue with disturbing them on the days I deem as their 'quality time' days and I have an issue with asking for things in general but, especially, sex. I've never had to ask for sex because I've always dated multiple people and I've always had people in my life whose sole purpose was to be sexually available. Plus, people would contact me for sex so I never had a need to contact them (I've been a participant in the adult/swinging lifestyle since I was a teen so that is why sex has always been so readily available to me).
I know it also has a lot to do with being vulnerable and seeming 'needy'. I have been on my own since my teens and have prided myself on my independence, strength, and self-sufficiency so it is hard to basically say, "I need you. Can I please have you?" outside of the time I'm already allotted. Additionally, I feel bad considering interrupting the couples time together simply because I'm a fucknut, even though, most times they are not even together (which I am unaware of at the time).
I would rather hook up at the adult club and have meaningless, protected sex with someone I have no plans in seeing again than to interrupt them. Especially, if I cannot revel in the moment with my partners. I mean, if my partners are busy, I can call them for a quickie and then carry on with my day but, the issue with that is, when I'm with him/her the last thing I want is a quickie at that point.
I know what I have to do. I have to work on allowing myself to make them aware of my sexual need when they arise AND I need to stop being so considerate of everyone's needs and try to put my own first sometimes.
We had a small snafu because, on one of these occasions, I went and had sex with a guy without checking to see if my partners were available beforehand. Now, before I get jumped on, let me explain. Late in the week, we had all discussed the weekend and they both were going to be busy (she was working all weekend and he was working and continuing a home improvement project with his dad). Additionally, my female partner and I had talked and she had indicated that the minimum deadline of no sex she had requested of our male partner (she was in the post-miscarriage healing phase) was that particular weekend so I presumed that she would be taking care of him sexually and they would be spending whatever free time they managed together since it was a busy weekend anyway. At that point, I had already began making plans to entertain myself since they would be preoccupied and we did not discuss getting together. Well, Saturday came, we all did make contact with each other and they were both still occupied so I recruited someone to play with. No changes in plans were shared with me so as I prepared to go play and contact my partners to give them detailed information about the guy, location, and time frame, it dawned on me that I could have asked them if they would have time and were interested in playing with me that evening but, trying to be considerate, I didn't even considerate it :D prior to the point of calling them. So, upon contacting them, my first statement was something to the effect of 'I may have gone about this the wrong way but since it's already in progress, we can discuss how we would like to handle these situations going forward at a later date'. Then I proceeded to let them know where I was going and how long I would be there. Well, it ended up being a much bigger deal than I thought it would be and landed me in 'outside sex restriction'. My restriction has recently ended but their (his) main point was he would prefer that I check with them about their desire/availability first before pursuing outside sex. That's understandable but, uh, I'm going to have to work on that.
Anywho ... what is baffling to me is that I have gone almost two years without sex and, though that wasn't my goal, it wasn't a big deal. Now, that I am getting sex, it's a struggle for me to go one full day without sex. lol... I don't know if I hit a sexual surge/peak through my hiatus and have just become aware of it because I am active or what.
10-31-2010, 03:25 PM
I found out last night that my female partner is not 'as' physically attracted to me and would prefer to exclude the sexual aspects of our relationship. That's all fine and well but I'm definitely irritated.
I am mainly irritated because there has been a lack of honest communication from her/him to me for who knows how long because I didn't ask how long she has felt this way. I feel lead on because I have been allowed to waste my time, energy, and effort working towards building a relationship with her when, at no time, has either of them hinted to this revelation. We have had solo and group sex sessions throughout and she has consistently made statements to me that contradict her true viewpoint.
This all began when I set out to have a discussion about the type of relationship we were developing and the direction of that relationship because I Was feeling some dissention on her part, due to a lack of time and effort invested, and lack of cohesion between all three of us during our group time. It all made sense once she dropped that bomb because all of the things I had concerns about fell into the nutshell labeled, 'She's Not That Into You'. All of my concerns cancelled out.
One thing that we did discuss as a concern that still eats at me is our discussion about her time constraints. She told me that I sounded just like our male partner when I brought up her lack of effort in making time for us/me. To me, she was on the defensive throughout the conversation and would say things like, 'I know that's hard for you to understand' or 'You may think this is harsh', etc. I can understand why, especially, dealing with time management because she has had to have the conversation throughout the ten years they have been together. Now, she is a married woman with no children or other outside responsibilities (i.e. volunteering, school, etc) with a husband who pretty much takes care of the domestic aspects of the house who works 1-1/2 jobs (one full-time all week & one part-time 4 days a week) so, as time has progressed, I must admit that I am have grown less and less sympathetic to referring to her schedule as a crutch. I'm not insensitive to time constraints but I do know, from experience, that time can be managed in a more effective way, especially, in her case. I am a woman who has lived at least half of my life working with a smidgen of time to maneuver on a daily basis. For half of my life, I have worked more than one job and went to/took classes full-time, all while managing to take care of 2-3 people, at any given time, excluding myself, making sure that everyone gets to care, school, practices, appointments, gatherings, work and making sure they have a hot meal at home, a clean house, clean clothes, quality time, etc. Throughout all of that, I still managed to squeeze in socializing and volunteering. SO...being that she is someone who only has herself to look after, her time issues are minimal to me and over exaggerated. Alas, that is neither here nor there now since her time constraints are no longer my concern.
Anywho... so now my male partner and I are left to think about if we can continue our relationship successfully in this manner since that was not the desire going in. *sigh*
11-03-2010, 02:01 PM
I feel like you have been 'toning it down' when talking about the situation. This is a great place for you to let all your cares out! Tell me how you really feel!!!
11-03-2010, 03:24 PM
@Daylight- No tone downs at all. Since I originally posted the situation in New to Polyamory, I am making it a point to not talk about the same aspects of it in my life story/blog. I don't like repeating myself and I'm sure the people who are keeping up don't want to hear the same story in both sections. :) Additionally, it's really all about perspective. I have been expressing my initial feelings but I am moving into a different place with the entire ordeal. I tend to do that since I seem to process things pretty differently than many. I pull from my meditation, intuition, and self reflection because I know that every emotion truly is an inner reaction of self so I really work on identifying what is at the core of the emotions I feel. That's where I am right now. Thanks for stopping by.
11-03-2010, 04:07 PM
My male partner did not contact me at all last night. He usually texts me around the time his wife heads off to her part-time, night job. I began pondering what new revelations there have been at this point.
We were awaiting a decision about her continued employment with her night job since she received a reprimand last week due to her venting about a frustrating client within earshot of a higher supervisor so maybe she did get terminated OR maybe they found some time to discuss this situation and his options and he is reflecting on it or dreading sharing the outcome with me OR it could be something else entirely.
Between last night and this morning I had a...I guess I'll call it a vision since I wasn't asleep when it popped into my third eye... It was an image of blood between a women's thighs and, in the next scene, the lower half of a little one still in diapers, walking. Now, I don't claim to be prophetic just intuitive but the timing, with my male partner being M.I.A last night and she and I both being in the time of our menstruals this week, is curious. I had another 'something' (let's say feeling cause it wasn't really a vision) that felt of 'baby' this morning so it makes me wonder if they have succeeded in impregnating her.
Tonight is one of our (he & I) regular nights to see each other but I don't know if that is still the plan. If I don't talk to him by 3p, I'll text him and find out.
As I was riding the lightrail into work this morning, something else of use popped into my mind- one of the agreements from the four agreements explained in The Four Agreements by Shamanic teacher/healer Don Miguel Ruiz. The concept of this book follows this belief:
"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."
The four agreements are: Be impeccable with your word; Don't take anything personally; Don't make assumptions; Always do your best.
Don't take anything personally... Don't take anything personally...
This agreement found its way to the surface this morning and just reverberated through my mind. I very rarely take anything personally because I do believe that more times than not it isn't personal though it may come in the form of a personal attack and your verbal/physical/emotional reaction to any given situation is all based on your perspective. I've put in a lot of work to broaden mine so that I am more proactive than reactive lessening any internalization I may experience. With that said, I realize that the issues my female partner is experiencing have nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, I have to suffer the effect of her ordeal but I am not responsible for anything she is currently enduring. Once I accepted that, the emotional reaction I have been battling with decreased substantially. There is still some residue, though, of the pain that was caused unnecessarily but I am working through it. I haven't fully pulled back all the layers of my emotional reaction to identify what is lingering at the core of them within me but I do know that a lot of it has to do with opening myself up to others, thereby, allowing myself to become vulnerable. I struggle with allowing others in so to have managed to do that just to be hurt...
11-04-2010, 02:25 PM
My male partner and I had our regularly scheduled quality time last night. Prior to me going over there, we texted a couple of times during the day and I asked if the plans for the night were still the same. He responded asking me why wouldn't they be. I responded telling him there Are reasons why they wouldn't be but, since I didn't hear back from him last night, I didn't know what the deal was so felt it best to double check.
I took myself to see a movie yesterday evening so, once I checked my phone, I saw I had received a text from him telling me he was tired so he didn't know if I still wanted to come over as usually but shorten the length of the visit or come over on Saturday so we could continue our discussion. I called and asked what he wanted me to do but, of course, he put it back on me. :)... I went anyway and gave him a massage for about an hour. We didn't continue our discussion about our relationship and the changes but I'm okay with that. I know he is still thinking and I'm sure he has yet to talk to his wife in detail about it due to her work schedule during the first half of each week. It's pretty tight.
I must admit that I am missing the sexual intimacy. We haven't been together since 10/24 since I travel for work periodically and was in Milwaukee from 10/25 through 10/30. The night of 10/30 is when I went over so that all three of us can talk and that is when the relationship changed and, with it now being up in the air, I am protecting myself. I don't want to be with him just to be told a few days later that it's over or we are going to cease those interactions. It'll be much harder for me to deal with emotionally (it's still going to be hard anyway) if we are actively having sex now versus the almost two week period, and growing, of no sex we are nearing.
We have plenty of physical intimacy, though, so I am just savoring those moments for the time being.
11-07-2010, 03:48 PM
This week, my male partner's wife has managed to text me on three separate days. ***** Didn't she just say she didn't have the time and/or ability for such communication? WTF!
Then, after I don't respond to the texts she sent on Friday, she texts me on Saturday to ask if my phone was working or did I not want to text. ***** Not only are you initiating more texts in a week, you also expect a timely response, though, I didn't always get the same courtesy when the tables were turned?
Suffice it to say, I was a bit confused so I responded to her, basically, expressing that it was puzzling to me that she could now find the time to do what she couldn't do when it counted and I needed to know what she wanted from me.
She stated that she thought she was clear in expressing that she wanted to be friends which, for her, means that we would continue to talk and hang out socially. She asked me what friendship meant to me and I told her, for me, it meant honesty and trust and I don't feel that she has been completely honest with me throughout this relationship regarding her true feelings. I also inquired as to how she planned on developing a friendship with me when she just made it clear that she didn't have time to put forth in effort in developing any relationship.
She explained that she tried to give the relationship an opportunity to develop despite the lack of attraction.
Okay...so That indicates to me that she did know from the beginning that she was not attracted to me (physically as she stated) yet that is not what she said after our first meeting when we were all texting and specifically asked each other if we were attracted to one another. We all agree that we were. That is when she should have said she was not really physically attracted to me but she was willing to get to know me and see what happens. I would have approached the relationship completely different, since I do not develop my friendships the same way I develop my companionships, AND we would have never had sex. Why give myself to someone who doesn't find me physically appealing? Anywho, even though friendship is a component of companionship, we know in many nonplatonic relationships, if a friendship doesn't already exist, it is not the foremost relationship that develops. So, when changing the nature of a nonplatonic relationship to a platonic one, you don't always have the foundation to land on a friendship. Additionally, everyone develops friendships differently just like everything else. It is not easy to become my 'friend'. It takes a long time to build a friendship with me because my friendships are based on honesty and trust which builds respect and loyalty. Well, I don't trust easily either so you can see where that may delay development. I think my companionships are based off of love and communication which build trust and respect. Did that make sense? *shrugs*
She also brought up her time constraints again and felt I should acknowledge that I have an issue with them. Well, I have acknowledged my lack of sympathy of her time constraints. I just haven't done so with her because we've never sat down to discuss it in detail, she's never asked me my thoughts, and I haven't made it a point to bring it up to her because I know it is such a touchy subject since it is something that is regularly revisited between her and her husband so I didn't feel the need to poke at an open wound. I think I have previously expressed on her my views of her time constraints. If not, it was on my Not Feeling the Connectivity post in New to Polyamory but I'm sure I'll recap here as I work through this.
Anyway...there was much more to the conversation than what I have listed but I don't feel like typing it all out. After she sent me a 13 text response, I did start to reply but, once seeing the response would consist of just as many texts, I decided to just tell her that I was not going to send her a 20 text response. I told her if she wanted to talk about it, whenver time allows, we can but, at this point, though there are contradictions, I don't have any issues with her. I told her that I just expected more of the same (irregular and minimal communication with her) since I didn't know where anything stood anymore and I am still awaiting a final decision from my male partner.
11-09-2010, 03:07 PM
The wait is finally over. After a week of limbo and a weekend of emotional distress, Monday evening greeted me with my retained girlfriend status, in its current capacity, and left me with the intimacy I have been yearning for for two weeks as this situation played out. (Refer to Not Feeling the Connectivity in the New to Polyamory section if you're lost)
There are still things to ponder, and we don't know where the relationship will end up, but we do know that we love each other and, throughout this ordeal, nothing has changed in our relationship as far as how we feel and our interaction with each other. It is the future that concerns us.
I am at ease for now. I know that the future is uncertain and, the existence of a solely platonic relationship with his wife, brings the search for other opportunities for them to connect with other potential mates who may be more suited for the triad she desires. Well, really, I don't even know if she desires a triad so that is something I'll have to ask her whenever we hang out. I know this poly pursuit has been more for his benefit than hers because she has had boyfriends/partners on the side who were not involved or acquainted with her husband.
I received an intuitive tarot reading two weekends ago and, during that reading, the intuitive told me that the relationship will dissolve at some point based on the energy surrounding it now. I shared this with my male partner which he brought up last night. He was stating that he, too, feels that the relationship will dissipate over time but he isn't sure why he feels that way and he isn't sure how he feels about that thought. He did state that, even before this point, he felt some subtle tension between his wife and I and he isn't sure where it's coming from but, because of this, he has had this feeling about the ultimate outcome of the relationship.
We can only wait and see what the Universe has in store and, in the meantime, live in the moment.
11-09-2010, 03:55 PM
Ah, eklctc. I'm glad that the current situation has resolved itself.
The future is a hard thing. I struggle with a few future concerns with my boyfriend, and find myself ranging anywhere from calmly and detachedly accepting it will end, all the way to thinking about how/if a move could work.
*sigh* At my best, I'm living in the moment and enjoying what we have now and for the next several months at least.
I hope you can find that peace.
11-13-2010, 02:41 AM
After my heart was eased on Monday, Tuesday was a good day. Wednesday was a good day but I was a little disappointed in myself Wednesday evening when I let the minglings of my evening spill over into my quality time with my love. The time was still well spent though and we got in plenty of "quality".:D
Then comes Thursday and it's hectic character. I spent most of the day in a conference call which resulted in me (and two other coworkers) spending some more time of that day booking flights, hotels, and rental cars for business travel starting November 14th all the way through December 4th. Ugh* This means, now that I have had two days of great quality time with V, after a week of reflection, emotional distress, and anxiety, I'm due to miss out on spending time with him for three weeks.:(
He did offer to take me to the airport on Sunday so that we could at least see each other before I left but ... I know he is going to have a late Saturday night so ... I declined as to not infringe on his sleep. It would be too much of a teaser for me anyway ... seeing him briefly and not being able to have him, knowing I'll be gone for a while. Guess I'll have to make sure to pack one of my toys.:p
Friday greeted me with more of the same, hence the reason, I am still at work at 733p (mtn). These changes have also stolen my Saturday since I will be spending it in the office preparing myself for my trip to Milwaukee on Sunday. I do look forward to going to Milwaukee since I can visit with the friends I missed seeing during my visit last month but I don't look forward to going to Milwaukee because the project I am going to try to clean-up is horrendous and the staff isn't all that helpful. Oh well, I am going to spend tomorrow putting together the work itinerary for the staff to follow and hope all goes well.
11-13-2010, 03:05 AM
I used to consider getting married and have actually been engaged to be married four times. Those marriages never came to pass and I am not sorry. I've never wore the 'traditional' costume very well and, though, I loved these men immensely, and could probably be the traditional wife, I would eventually tire of the constraints and partial satisfaction. Marriage was never really my thing...not in the sense it is expressed/practiced in this society.
I do want to be committed and united but I want it to be done as equivalently as possible across the board with whomever I partner with. Marrying someone before you know that your love lifestyle is meant to consist of more than one person is one thing but doing so after you have come to this realization is ... unfair ... in my view.
Now, I understand that it may be easier and cheaper to just get married as to grant a partner with all of the rights you would want them to have on your behalf; however, equality has never been easy or cheap so why would you think creating it within your own relationships would be any different? The only way for all of my partners to be equally acknowledged and vested in my life and affairs is to do it legally meaning drawing up documents that address their rights as it pertains to my assets, health/death, etc.
What I see is ... there is still something 'dominant' about the relationship when two people have 'married' even when involved in a polyamorous relationship. Now, if the set-up is primary/secondary, that's understandable but some legal adjustments still should be made, especially, if the households are combined, etc. That's just my take. However, I don't like the term 'secondary' when talking about committed, long-term and I choose not to place a 'value' or 'placement' on the people I involve myself with. It reminds me too much of polygamy.
I desire a relationship where we are all (I'm thinking a max of four people total) primaries to each other. I know that is idealistic but it can happen. Now, if I end up with three men, well, I don't really expect all three of them to be primaries to each other but it could happen and I'd be SO happy! We would do a unity ceremony (like a Vegas wedding with much fewer people, alcohol, and props) and we could even change names (if anyone would like) and signify our union by having the Egyptian Infinity symbol tattooed on/around the base of a finger (finger of your choosing). Then we would have our attorney draw up legal documents that give each of us all of the same rights one would receive if they were to legally marry one person.
I'm just thinking out loud. :D
11-15-2010, 07:43 PM
How very timely, eklctc, as I'm 12 days from my own wedding. :o
11-17-2010, 03:58 AM
Awww...well congrats! My day will come to be united, in my own way, with my clan. :D
11-17-2010, 04:09 AM
:( I'm away from my babe because of business travel. Sucks because I had just spent a week away (not physically but mentally/emotionally) from him as I awaited the outcome of our relationship. A week into it and ... I'm away from him (physically) again. The bummer is, not only am I away from him all of this week, I will be away from him next week as well (unless I manage to see him when I fly back in Wednesday night for the holiday) and I will be away from him the week after all due to business travel. I worry a bit because the whole point of my existence in his life is to keep him occupied since his wife can't do it due to the pursuit of her personal goals right now. I know my absence is infrequent but, still, there are times when I will be away for work, somewhat, spontaneously for any given length of time. I think it's still new enough for me to be replaced because of something like that...
Maybe I just think too much...
Aside from that ... my night is ... eh ... There is something going on so there is a lot of freakin' noise in the hotel now so I don't know how well I am going to sleep. I can't deal with loud banging, stomping, etc. I already had to fight off a migraine earlier today due to the lack of food in my system, extra hot areas, and irritations.
Well, let me try to get to sleep so I can get up at 5a for, what will hopefully be, a very productive day.
11-29-2010, 02:58 AM
Eklctc's last adventure left you feeling melancholy and irritated.;) Hopefully, we can invoke some brighter emotions this time around.
Hiya alllll!!! I've missed you. I've been so exhausted from work and traveling that I have done a poor job of keeping up. I have successfully made it back to Chicago today for my final (we think) remote work week or, at least, for this city.
P (male partner (yes,using letters now)) picked me up from the airport on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving (which was very sweet of him) and took me back to his place for some 'show me how much you missed me' interaction.;) We didn't spend a lot of time together, aside from that, during that night since, the one time I wouldn't mind the extra time, my teenage son decided to not only arrive on time to pick me up but, actually, Early. However, I did manage to go spend some additional time with P yesterday at his request and my delight. He was continuing various odd jobs around the house so he invited me over to shadow him so we can spend time together. H, his wife, was home as well and it was our first time seeing each other since Halloween weekend when she changed the entire nature of the poly relationship we thought we had developed. It was cool, though. No real tension, though, we did not address anything that lingers between us due to that situation either. From what I gather, we probably won't. I'm sure it's really not that relevant to her since nothing has changed in her life and the revelation itself really gave me the freedom to focus solely on P since that has always been the more worthwhile relationship and the relationship my emotions have been invested into anyway. I did notice a tug from P, though, and I don't know if that was moreso because he wanted my attention to be focused moreso on him or is there something they have shared that I am unaware of that warrants very limited or no interaction with H at all. Who damn knows but I'm just going to continue to do me and, hopefully, I am dealing with people who can speak up and out when need be.
Anywho...I hung out with P for a couple of hours then went home. I ended up going back over later that evening because, earlier in the day, P had asked if I wanted to go out dancing that evening as a way to spend some more time together. I thought I had plans with my teenage son to go to dinner but, of course, he ditched me so I ended up seeing if P and H were still interested in doing something. I didn't want to do the club, though, but was more interested in bowling or pool. Well, P decided that he really didn't want to go 'out' but he did want to spend more time with me so I just got a board game and ended up going back to his place.
H was putting decorations on the Christmas tree and, since I don't do Christmas (or any other traditional holiday), I busied myself taking apart the pieces of the new board game I bought. P divided his time between chatting with me and playing in the box of board game pieces and assisting H with decorations. Well, H didn't finish with the tree until around 11p and I had a flight to catch in the morning so I excused myself.
P texted me to inquire about the general feeling in the atmosphere this evening with H. I told him that I hadn't felt anything if there was something and thought H was just immersed in what she was listening to in her headphones and finishing the tree but I told him it would be best to ask her, just to be sure. If there was something, I wouldn't expect her to share that in my presence simply because she has already proven she has some difficulties being upfront and candidly addressing or broaching subjects that really do need to be put out there. With the demise of our relationship, I expect even less communication of that nature from her. Additionally, I also suspect that there have been conversations or statement shared between the two of them about me after our 'break-up' that put P in a much better position of determining whether or not there is reason for issue or some emotional turbulence within her due to my presence or whatever so ... as I told him, I don't respond well to signals so I would expect her to speak up, to Someone, if there were any issues. There's been a couple of other possibly shady instances but you know what? I'm not going to give them or H any of my energy. I'm flowing, people, flowing...
After I returned home Saturday night, I created an ecard for P to be delivered today which he thanked me for this afternoon. I enjoy constantly letting those I love know that I love them, think of them, miss them, etc. I have come to realize that I really lead by example. I mean, I like little tokens of appreciation but very simple things like a handwritten note, a card, one flower. I'm not the type that feels comfortable with receiving many things more valuable than those like jewelry, etc. Maybe that is something I need to work on but I'm just so not materialistic so it would be a waste of time to get those sorts of things for me because I would most likely not put them to good use.
Well, think that pretty much brings me here. I'll be texting P in a couple of hours since H goes to work and I won't be infringing on their quality time. In the meantime, I will prepare for my tomorrow and continuing counting down the six days until I can return.---@
12-08-2010, 02:59 AM
I'm just combining posts so that all of my story is here in my blog. This post may duplicate some of the information posted previously which was a snapshot of the situation.
I am in a polyamorous relationship with a couple. My official introduction to the parents is due to take place soon; however, I plan to tell my partners I think we should wait.
I don't feel the connectivity in the relationship when all three of us are together. Whenever we are supposed to have a 'group' discussion what ends up happening is 'they' have a conversation in detail and then 'he' filters the summary of the conversation and decision to me. That is a polygamous move- when the husband and primary wife discuss and decide and the results are passed on to the lesser wives. Also, when we are all together and my male partner wants to show something or say something, he specifically calls my female partner's name to share. Though I may be in earshot, I'm not really included in the conversation. There are other small things that I observe that continue to indicate they are still operating a dual partnership. So, basically, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them separately than I do with them together because at least that way I feel more 'in tune'.
Now, I noticed this from the beginning but, of course, I considered it to be something that would progress and change as the relationship developed; tried to consider the newness of the relationship (we've been together almost five months); and the fact that the relationship type in general is new to them after being married for 10 years (with sporadic swinging). However, as I have observed this behavior and tried to take it lightly, I decided I needed to speak up about it since it is something that I seem to look for now (because it seems inevitable) when we are together somewhat making me dread being together (all three of us) and it will begin to change the energy within me from neutral to negative if I do not speak up now. My brother tells me to stop using the newness of the relationship as a crutch to excuse these things.
Another point that I notice is that we always use 'time' as our reason for not being able to do things (get together and talk, hang out, etc) especially with my female partner BUT, as my male partner mentioned to me in a separate conversation last week, it's all about priority and sequence. Maybe it's not a priority at all or maybe it is on the priority list but sequenced so far down it never gets addressed. Now, my female partner can't ever seem to find the time to be available for a three party conversation but she finds the time to go meet up with other guys or go hang out with other friends or 'they' can find the time to have an in-depth conversation without me yet I'm free when they are free. My female partner also takes her sweet time to respond to my messages (I mean, like a day or two) which weighs heavier on me than I want to admit. I mean, if we are all equally invested, how does my male partner get a response and/or get a phone call yet mine gets ignored?
I don't want to end the relationship but the relationship I currently see is not the one I am aiming for.
So I have managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come out of it. While my male partner understood and agree with me on my viewpoints and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, my female partner told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her and could probably take or leave the relationship because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.
I'm glad that information came out, though, I am upset to find out that (1) both partners have kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) my female partner has basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed and I'm the last one to find out.
Pretty much, all of the concerns I originally had are null and void because, without her participation in building an all-inclusive poly triad, me not being included in their conversations; me not feeling a part of a 3-party relationship when we are all together; and me feeling that my female partner is not giving much effort into communication with me and building our relationship all revolve around a different type of relationship then what we, ultimately, are in and that was really the entire point of the conversation to begin with.
So, we somewhat pondered where we go from here ... and we are still pondering. As I have stated on the board and to my partners, a 'V' poly relationship was not my goal but that is where I am finding myself and in a secondary position. I don't know where I sit with that right now since I'm less than 30 minutes out of their presence. The original arrangement was that we would all only emotionally connect with each other. For me, that connection consisted of an all-inclusive companion/intimate relationship. With that no longer being the case, I know that I will not be emotionally fulfilled with just the connection between my male partner and I.
We spoke of our desire to have a live-in poly relationship in the future. They are working on having a baby. I mean, I'm now pondering the future as the time for these things draw near and concerned about how that will look...if they are still in the plans...what our roles will be...etc.
12-08-2010, 03:00 AM
At this point, I can't help but take the admittance of her not being physically attracted to me (even though, what she said was, she wasn't as physically attracted to me as I was to her-whatever the fuck that means) personally. I take it personally because he/she/both, I feel, have lead me on. She has been sexual with me, solo, knowing she really didn't want to. She has participated with us together knowing she really didn't want to have sex with me. She has consistently made comments to support her attraction to me knowing it was not the truth.
Another thing that has gotten under my skin is...what has she based her statement me being more physically attracted to her on? What has been her measure in coming to that conclusion because, whatever the case, she would be wrong. Solely based on physical attraction, she would not be my pick. However, I view people from the inside out. She has many traits that I admire and she and I have many of the same characteristics. The beauty I find within her fuels the attraction without. Plus, when I got to the point to where I allowed myself to be completely emotionally open to them, my inward attraction increased more adding to my outward attraction.
Her statement, for me, also implies that she doesn't have and never opened herself up to connecting with me emotionally, though, that is not what her mouth said in the relationship. I mean, maybe I just operate differently, but I can be attracted to someone for various reasons. When it comes to someone I am looking for something more with, their physical attractiveness doesn't play a big role in my decision because that is an attribute that can change if one only has the desire to do so. I have to be attracted to someone facially but, on a deeper level, the lack of total physical attraction would not deter me if there are other aspects of the person I am attracted to.
And...this is kind of shallow...but we have met up over the last two weekends with a couple that they have been swinging with, sporadically, for 5-6 years now. I don't mean to judge but it raises a point for me...the woman of the couple is a pretty woman but not in the best physical shape yet my female partner doesn't have an issue with having sex with her. My male partner voiced that he was not physically attracted to the woman but she had other attributes that he like, thereby, allowing him to interact with her sexually. That point just makes me wonder if my female partner has been completely forthcoming about her stance.
During our discussion, my female partner did say that she didn't know what to tell me. She didn't know if I should look for something that would fulfill my needs better or if the male partner and I should continue without her. My male partner expressed that he loves me and he doesn't want it to end but he knows I do not desire a secondary role nor a far-spread 'V' poly relationship. Then we kind of reflected on the things we wanted in the future like my moving into the house in 2012 or this all-inclusive emotionally bond we wanted, etc. My male partner and I also ponder, with the change, what would the future look like... because I can not totally invest myself emotionally in him when I know he cannot provide the same level of emotional interaction; since we are not all together, how long will the female partner be okay with our in-depth, individual relationship at the current level and building or, if she finds other people more to her liking to introduce into the relationship, will she want our relationship to end so that they can have the all-inclusive relationship under one roof...
Another issue that I have to deal with internally is my detachment. I am very good at completely shutting off my emotional/physical interaction with people when I have decided I have reached my threshold in that situation and, also, when I feel they have hurt/betrayed me. As I told my partners last night, with the revelation, the detachment from my female partner had already began. I allowed myself to open up and become vulnerable to her and she intentionally hid an important aspect of our relationship from me. That hurts and it's hard for me to take that lightly. Now, it makes me question what else has been kept from me and what, that has been shared, is genuine. So, that equals hurt and doubt. With that said, my desire to build a relationship with the female partner, on any level, will quickly become non-existent which, as I mentioned to them last night, concerns me because I don't know how that will affect my male partner.
I'm all too familiar with life's circumstances so I'll definitely continue to move forward and attempt to find a happy medium in the meantime.
12-08-2010, 03:34 AM
After spending 5-1/2 days in Milwaukee, then 12-1/2 days in Chicago, I am now in Atlanta for 6-1/2 days all for business.
It's been a fiasco, to say the least, and I've been missing out on loads of quality time with P. He occupies himself and seems to handle it well but I don't want the seed to grow in his mind that I will begin to be just as unavailabe as H, thereby, defeating the original purpose of this relationship.
The time we have managed to have together in between my travels has been nice. He picked me up from the airport, the day before Thanksgiving, during my short visit home and I got to spend an hour or so with him then. Then he picked me up from the airport this past Sunday when I went home briefly and we spent a little over an hour with each other. Then we managed to squeeze in a couple of hours Monday evening before I prepared to fly out this morning. We've also continued to share small tokens expressing our yearning for each other and sentiment.
He sent me the most heart-tugging message Sunday night after our short quality time. He said, "I miss you even more now that you are in town." <3
So, now, I'm in Atlanta horny, mentally blah, and longing for P. Though, I have plenty of opportunity in Atlanta to have company and more, since I used to live here a little over two years ago, I want the connection more versus the sexual healing so that keeps me at bay. I don't have any real 'poly' prospects here, though, either. The one Atlanta guy I believe contains the qualities that would keep me occupied, is traditional, in pretty much every sense of the word, when it's all said and done.
I don't celebrate traditional holidays but I do give P monthly gifts. I am having the damnedest time finding what I want to give him for this month. H actually bought one of the gifts I was going to purchase for P, though, she suggested that I buy it since she was purchasing its complement (somewhat). Somehow, she was unclear of whether or not I Was going to buy it and she didn't bother to inquire after the discussion so ... whatever.
Okay, I guess I'll try to relax and get some real sleep. OH...sidenote...I actually slept through most of my flight from Denver to Atlanta this morning. That's how I know I was Really tired because I feel that I Have to stay awake and alert when flying.
12-15-2010, 05:45 AM
After five weeks of business travel, I am finally home for a spill. My last week of travel wasn't so bad but, since it was very short notice, I wasn't prepared for (or moreso in the mood for) socializing and company, though, I did extend an invitation to a couple of people to come help me clothe a bit of vulnerability I was feeling.
I didn't feel so connected to P during the last week. There were a couple of days (between Tuesday and Friday) where the last communication I had from him, for that day, was during the afternoon, leaving me with many hours to sit and let my mind wander. Though, he is the one that originally requested daily communication, I have grown accustomed to it being ongoing and it is a part of my day...a part of him...that I look forward to but it was lacking. One day, he did explain that he had an up and down day, which is fine, but ... *sigh*. It's the communication thing. I know, through observation, that the overall communication in his primary relationship is not what they portray it to be and it filters this way. I mean, it only takes a few keystrokes to say, "I'm feeling some kind of way today and may not be so responsive, fyi." That gives me a heads up, lets me know it's probably not anything I've said or done, and allows me to comfortably give the space needed without feeling anxious. It made me feel like an old toy collecting dust on the shelf.
Anywho...on top of feeling a bit forgotten, I was in such a mental state from the traveling I had been doing and the projects that it turned out to be more of a rude awakening when I realized I was visiting my old city of residency during the week of my exe's birthday and our would be anniversary. The birthday popped up on its own but a mutual friend actually reminded me of the anniversary. Though, I do not desire to be back with my exe, I cannot remove the love in my heart for him but, nor, can I remove the pain caused by opening myself up to that love. I have not spoken to my exe since I walked out and moved to the opposite coast in November 2008 and have thwarted every attempt he has made to get a response from me but, via mutual friends, I know that I am still a big part of his life and he is ever open to receiving me. I don't know how my mind feels about that but my heart operates on its own logic so I would rather avoid any circumstances that will bring these things to the surface at this time because, regardless, it wouldn't change anything.
So...I made it home after my coworker's car overheated three times on the way to the airport and my flight was delayed almost two hours from its scheduled departure time. P picked me up from the airport and I was able to enjoy a deliciously loving first night back (Sunday) with him and a chill night with him last night. I've already managed to give him two December trinkets which should hold over until I decide what I want to get him for January.
I think there may be something sitting on me right now but I cannot pinpoint what it is. I've just started feeling this weight but I don't really know if it's an energy in the relationship or is it an individual thing. I'm sure it will come to light here shortly and I can sort through it accordingly. I know that I have been pondering how P really feels about me of lately. I mean, I know what he has voiced but I don't always feel a connection in his actions so I have a desire for details (i.e. why, how do you know, how strongly do you feel, etc). I think ever since Halloween weekend and H's revelation, I've been seeking validation and reassurance in my relationship with P and I've been questioning the genuinity of our interactions.
Okay, I think I have more to say but I am tired. See you on the other side.~
12-17-2010, 01:25 AM
As I have been sifting through my emotions and thoughts, I have uncovered something.
I realize that I don't feel like I am a priority for P. I mean, I know I am not 'the' priority but even as a secondary I still have the right to some prioritizing, don't I? I mean, yes, he does give me tokens reflecting that he has thought of me and make time to see me during the week but I don't think that consists of him going out of his way to do anything he wouldn't already be doing if I hadn't entered his life. I mean, he may work late on a more consistent basis on those weekday evenings but I truly believe he would still regularly be at home watching TV, playing games or with his cat, or doing home improvement tasks.
I guess, since I've never really filled the secondary role this is new terrain for me as well. I have always been a primary partner in my previous multipartner relationships, even though, my partners were couples, thereby, already having a primary partner.
I am used to someone entering my life and, from that point, never imagining life without me, regardless, of our relationship status or 'ranking'. It's hard to swallow when that doesn't seem to be the case.
I, sometimes, wonder the intention behind our continued relationship. I mean, I know that I am midway on his scale of companionship and I want to ask if he truly feels something genuine and deep for me or is this something he holds on to because of the difficulty he has previously had with meeting women who he was attracted to, compatible with, and who were open to polyamory and various possibilities regarding the relationship involvement. And, if he does truly feel something genuine and deep for me, is that what fuels the relationship solely or is there more substance to it than that. I mean, I don't want to paint the picture that we do not have commonalities because we do but I just wonder how satisfying the relationship really is to him.
Sometimes, I get the impression that he believes I am more into him than is true. Same conclusion I came to when his wife decided she wanted to change the nature of the relationship between her and I. I am into him But not so much to where I don't see his faults and not so much to where I can't walk away. I know that I am out of shape, may not be as attractive to him as, say, his wife may be, but I bring my own components to the equation; some that she is capable of but just doesn't have the time and, others, that she is not capable of. I think that is one of the joys of being in multipartner relationships. You enjoy everyone for their individuality. One thing about me is, I've always known I was a rare find and, though, I am pampering, affectionate, and expressive, I lead by example not infatuation, codependence, or emotional energy so, in my eyes, anyone who has the opportunity to play a role in my life should, first, take note if they want to stay in it but, also, I believe these people walk away with a piece of me in their spirit, take great joy in our experiences and always remember me, regardless, of my extra weight, not so perfect hair/face, and my nuances because...I am a being of divine love that even I have not fully accepted, embraced, and utilized but I know it's there and it is powerful and it grabs a hold of people and absorbs into their spirit to stay within them for all eternity (poetic, I know:P). They will always remember the sensations, emotions, and reflections felt due to my presence in their lives positively or melancholy(depends on the reason for the separation) yet without animosity. So...I'm sorry but I'm not the desperate 'work in progress' holding on to what I can for as long as I can. Far from that. With that said, it would take someone extremely similar to me, in foundation, to totally bewitch me and I have yet to meet anyone who can match or exceed my caliber, candor, or commitment.
I think I digressed. :)
I think I am overly introspective right now as a result of the time of year, financial burdens, pondering goals and dreams unrealized and the absence of the means to achieve them, and so on which just adds to whatever emotional reflections I am having.
12-19-2010, 05:14 PM
Beautifully put, truly.
12-23-2010, 09:23 PM
Iím going to start writing out my internal ramblings in hopes that they make more sense or form a better connection visually than they are doing roaming around in my mind.
So I managed to broach the topic of the relationship with P last night but we didnít really get anywhere. One thing that I noticed about myself (after he voiced it later on in the evening) is I was guarded and had been, I realized, from the moment I got there which hindered my ability to assertively address the topic earlier in the evening. Iím fighting to get to the bottom of those guarded feelings. Itís not like P has ever made me feel like I couldnít talk to him about anything but, maybe, itís about my interpretation of our interactions over the last two to three weeks and my desire to have some individuality and confidentiality between the two of us when it comes to the communications of our relationship Ö that has me on edge. I think the jackhammer applied to my trust foundation a few months ago has also made room for an acid whose sole purpose is to eat away at the edges of the crumbled rock, leaving big gaps in the midst of the areas that are trying to mend back together. I mean, the foundation was fragile anyway.
Anywho Ö we didnít get anywhere. I asked him if he was satisfied with our relationship and he said Ďyes and noí. I didnít press for an explanation because Ö I decided I wasnít ready to dive into that one at that time. I expressed to him that I felt like our communication was tapering off and it was also hard for me to get a Ďreadí on him (Iím pretty good at being guided by the energy projected by people) and, because of that, it throws me off as far as approaching him about certain things and interacting with him. I probably havenít shared but he takes medication that, pretty much, buries his emotions. I guess that may be a little strong but, I think, he places a lot of cushioning between his emotions and the surface so, when heís at full dose, itís hard for me to reach them, connect to them, and feed from them.
He has been busying himself with his own projects over the last week or so, taking advantage of his time off, which has resulted in a few days of no communication between us. Being that it was his request that we have daily communication it made me a bit anxious. Last night, he explained that when one or both of us are preoccupied with other things, then itís not so important. I think part of my problem is a problem Iím experiencing in various areas of my life right now Ė consistency and communication. Personally, Iím never Ďthatí preoccupied to where I cannot send a quick message daily, if that is the agreement. I may not be able to send a message response after my first, in a timely manner, but I make the time to send the first one or respond to an initial message sent to me, at least. I must also admit, I have grown to look forward to that daily communication and consider it a regular, unconscious part of my day. I also inquired about his continued education in poly relationships since this is his first go-round. He stated that he hasn't been doing it consistent but here and there but he has not put continuing to learn out of his mind.
A few weeks back, we discussed communicating more. Well, we discussed the fact that we both say we are waiting on the otherís text and I explain that I do not text as much as I would like because I donít want to interfere in his Ďnon Eklctcí time. He expressed, visibly irritated, that no matter how many times he has told me that I would not be infringing on his time and to text if I wanted to text, it didnít matter because I still referred back to my same concerns whenever I showed an interest in reaching out to him. So Ö I started texting him more, ya know, with idol chat, things going on in my day, questions that came to mind, etc. Now, he can only text me periodically throughout the day when heís at work and his regularly scheduled activities. I understood that. Then our evenings were filled with more chatter as he settled in. It was nice. Well, that didnít last long because it came to a point where I felt the correspondence was one-sided. There were days where he would respond early in the day (usually a little after lunch) and then I wouldnít get a response from him for the remainder of that day or night. I understand things come up and I understand that, sometimes, people just donít Ďfeel like ití; however, a little communication doesnít hurt. A message to say, ĎIím busier/more tired/more mentally preoccupied/etc than I thought I would be and may need some timeí or whatever. This way, my mind could be at ease, for the most part, that he is dealing with something (not related to something I did or said) and allows me to grant him the space he needs. Am I speaking Greek or am I Greek or whatever culture/species that would cause these things to come across as foreign?
After we took a break in our 'not quite' conversation, I just could not vocalize my thoughts they way I needed to so I concluded the conversation. I told him that I was going to start sending him email with some of my ramblings and questions (rhetorical and non) before I excused myself.
After I slept on it, I decided that it would be best to wait until after the holiday season to start sharing my in-depth thoughts with him. I don't celebrate the holidays in the traditional sense but I know it is a big time for many people and can be stressful as well. Plus, it is a time to enjoy loved ones and just be light-hearted for many and I didn't want to have any parts of ruining that, though, I don't believe this to be a 'ruining' phase but I never know how these things might affect him so I don't want to take my chances. Yes, my considerate self. Always thinking of everyone but me. *wonkwooonnkkk* I did ask him to consider his thoughts on our relationship, his feelings, etc because I don't want to be preparing myself to open wide up if it's unnecessary. Meaning, he may not be where I am and I do not want a repeat of Halloween weekend when I went in hoping to have a heart-to-heart and continue to build on a deep relationship just to find out the relationship I thought we were working on never existed ... and for such superficiality. I don't want to be there. That would go badly.
I am going to use this time to really hone in on my greatest and deepest concerns. Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of anxiety due to my own guilt. I've had to travel a lot over the last six weeks, thereby, missing out on my time with P. From what I'm told, the main reason he considered a relationship of this nature was due to the unavailability of his wife at this time so... what's the benefit of seeing someone else who becomes just as unavailable?
...to be continued
12-31-2010, 09:42 PM
My thoughts are still all over the place but, ultimately, I have decided that I am unhappy with the way this relationship has taken form and I donít believe there is any fixing it. Itís not that I donít want to fix it, itís just that I donít believe my partner and his wife understand the dynamics (I donít think his wife cares actually) and I believe my partner is having trouble knowing how to properly communicate and interact in this relationship now that it does not involve all three of us.
There is a great gap in the lines of communication. It seems that he makes it a point to not bring up anything regarding their relationship or share the goings-on in his/their life unless I ask and, if Iím not asking in person, he usually ignores the question which is passive aggressive behavior. On the other hand, it seems that he freely shares my life and our interactions with her. Explaining to him how this is unfair wouldnít go over too well, I donít think, because of the way he believes he should operate regarding his relationship with his wife (i.e. his primary relationship). I donít desire complete disclosure of all the intimate and in-depth details of their relationship. I understand that he obviously chooses not to confide in me about such things, which is okay; however, it seems like it has never crossed his mind to extend or, at least, inquire about my thoughts in the matter - do I mind if he shares the details of our conversations and interactions with his wife now that we do not associate.
On the other hand, my two nights a week can never just be about Ďmeí. He watches TV, checks stuff online, answers his wifeísí texts, and plays with his cat. There is no assertive interest in me. I mean, going in I knew he was not the assertive one but six months later I shouldnít still have to initiate every interaction. Then, knowing itís my time, his wife calls or texts from work, though, I do my best to not infringe on her time with him. Yes, it doesnít take up a lot of time but, being that I am already not getting his undivided attention and that has gotten worse since she made her decision about the relationship, itís the principle. Then, he always has to bring her up. He has to let me know that his wife bought him some new movies versus he got some new movies OR he and his wife did this or that before versus just saying that he has done that. Of course, I donít believe either of them would understand that point either if I were to bring it up.
For me, pursuing a serious relationship in a poly lifestyle is no different than pursuing a serious relationship in a mono lifestyle. In both circumstances, you have to balance your time between people and activities. In both circumstances, constant and clear communication is necessary. In both circumstances, you must relay your feelings and reassure your partner that you are willing to put forth a great deal of effort to build and maintain the relationship. The only difference is there are more people involved. In my case, our relationships are separate so it shouldnít be so it still doesnít present the difficulties that an all-inclusive poly relationship would.
We are both only partially satisfied in this relationship and I seem to be the only one who shows any concern about the flow of the relationship.
Throughout our association, I have been the only one who felt it necessary to talk about the relationship in regularly intervals. It really irritates me because each conversation came with an important revelation and a turning point in the relationship- changes based on mindsets that had already been present but not shared. That is not behavior conducive to a lasting relationship.
12-31-2010, 09:52 PM
Sorry to hear how frustrating it has been for you. It is tough to hang one's hopes on something that you know in your heart of hearts will never get better. Been there. It sounds, though, that you have sorted things out clearly. It seems you have not been respected as much as you deserve, and that taking a break from the relationship will be good for you and a positive way to start the new year. I wish you the best.
01-01-2011, 01:29 AM
Sorry to hear this, eklctc.
01-02-2011, 01:23 AM
I am a big UFC fan and enjoy going out to watch most of the main fights. I helped reintroduce P to watching UFC once we started seeing each other and, he says, he really enjoys coming out to watch with me.
Well, he and his wife went to an adult party on NYE. Mind you, he hadn't volunteered the information, just in conversation, and seemed to not want to share the information with me being that he did not respond to my inquiry about their plans for NYE via email and still did not bring it up during my visit, though, he brought up another aspect of the email. Only when I asked him then, in person, did he state they were going to one of the parties. Sidenote...it was never mentioned and I was never invited. Okay...
I wasn't bothered by that since I knew that I would get his time New Year's Day eve. Well, throughout our conversations about the event, P always mentioned that he and a male friend of his would be coming. Even up to the email last night, he stated that he and his guy friend would be coming. Well, in our final correspondence this evening, he tells me that he, his guy friend, and his wife are coming. ...
Yes, I'm a bit upset about that. Why? I wasn't invited to accompany them to the party last night where they brought in the new year together yet he doesn't stop to think that just Maybe this should be my 'bringing in the new year' quality time with him? He doesn't think to be considerate enough to ask if I mind if she comes since I know she's not into it anyway? I mean, they didn't even have to come meet up with me- I have my UFC activity partner- they could have went to where she suggested they go versus coming where I had decided to watch the fight.
I mean, this entire relationship, I have made it a point to exercise consideration in general but, particularly, in allowing them their qualty and/or solo time but not once do I feel the same respect has been extended to me. Nor do I belileve that my feelings or viewpoints matter.
01-06-2011, 02:02 AM
My male partner and I had our regularly scheduled time on Monday night. During that time, I read the following to him regarding where I currently am with the relationship:
I do not believe my feelings or viewpoints are of any significant concern to either of you.
INSTANCES starting with most recent:
Brought H to UFC event without considering it may have been my new yearís celebration quality time with you yet no invitation was extended to me to spend any time with you on nye nor accompany the two of you to your nye festivities
Did not seem to want to mention new yearís eve plans
As much as being considerate of everyoneís personal and/or quality time has been discussed between you and I, you have not made it a point to ensure the same consideration is extended to me during my quality time with you
All of a sudden, you state youíre bad at responding to emails (though the only emails you have conveniently overlooked contained items you obviously didnít want to address) yet previously you didnít have any problem responding to them whether it was by email or accessing the email and addressing each point during my visit
It seems to me that you intentionally make sure you do not share any of the general goings-on in your life and/or relations hip as far as activities or just casual conversation goes with me yet you seemingly share every intricate detail of my personal life and our relationship with H
Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, was mid-November which was in response to me telling you as I prepared to take flight via text. Last time you verbally stated you loved me, in response to me telling you, was the second week of November. Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, of your own volition was Ö?
I think my interactions and expressions have been misinterpreted seeming to give you two the impression that my overall interest is overzealous or completely absorbed. I think that has affected the viewpoints and development of the relationship. Of course, Iíve always been good at making people feel special and like I am completely immersed. I believe thatís exactly how people should feel in relationships so I make it a point to constantly express my appreciation (compliments, favors, & trinkets) and my feelings (consistent verbal/physical confirmation & in-depth conversations) because we all could be in someone elseís life versus where we are and itís important to show that we are very aware of that but sometimes people can become presumptuous due to their own perception
I understood that I needed to be the assertive one coming into this relationship but, after six months, I wonder why I still am the one, pretty much, initiating everything. It doesnít give the impression that you are Ö interested Ö whether it be conversation, sex, etc
*************End of Instances*********************
I think you desire the attention and pampering from other people but not so much the other components that come with that interaction
There is more to being poly than the ability to love more than one person in an intimate way. You have to have the desire and ability to create and maintain balanced, loving, open, and honest relationships with each partner. You also have to understand that, whether all partners are involved together or not, each must be considered and respected separately, as well as, collectively.
The mindset shouldnít be if your primary is secure and accepting then all other partnersí security and feelings are of no real concern and that is what it feels like the dominate mindset consists of.
You choose to attempt to practice hierarchical polyamory (giving partners rank) but donít really understand the purpose of identifying partners as primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. It has less to do with the depth of a relationship and more to do with length of association, living arrangements, legal unions, and combined investments (property, children, finances). With that said, no one relationship, regardless of placement, should blatantly overshadow another, in substance, unless that is the mutual agreement and, even then, it becomes more about non-monogamy than polyamory.
I believe the poly lifestyle is attractive to you because maybe itís a graduation from the lifestyle youíve been participating in for years or maybe you truly are capable of genuinely loving another individual but, until you see that the development of a new relationship with an additional partner consists of the same honesty, effort, expression, and perseverance utilized in your previously developed one-on-one relationships, whether all parties are involved or not, AND realize that balance is just as golden as communication, there will always be a struggle in maintaining those additional relationships
If you have any suggestions or feedback, IĎd like to hear it.
With all of that said, the converation went much better than I expected. I had played the future conversation over and over in my mind throughout the day and expected it to result in me gathering all of my lingering belongings shortly after my arrival, never to return. It didn't go that way though. We actually spent about 3-1/2 hours talking. A break is what I told myself would be best, though, I knew a break wouldn't do anything for me but provide me the opportunity to drown myself in work and exercise as I try my best to just move on. I came to find out that a break wouldn't be beneficial for P either so... we are still working on how to fix this. We do want to continue but I think he is just having problems finding the balance since this is his first experience. He doesn't want to hurt anyone but he also wants to be sensitive. The problem is...he has to find out how to be sensitive to and considerate of all partners' feelings and desires. Everyone cannot get what they want all the time and he is going to have to accept that and implement that into his and his wife's thought processes.
He expressed that he didn't even think about New Year's Day or what that might have meant. Part of his dilemma, in his view, is the fact that I really don't celebrate holidays so he didn't think of it being a big deal to me. I explained to him that it was more about having my own quality time with him outside of our regular place since that was a rarity and providing time for us to celebrate a new year together since he does acknowledge such things.
We shared a lot and was able to gain a different perspectives on some of the topics we had been pondering but I am still trying to figure it out.
01-06-2011, 02:46 PM
I don't have a lot to say...just trying to deal with the pain right now.
Basically, after wasting away at least 30 minutes, I asked P if he had thought about our conversation. Once again, he proved that any and everything else supersedes me. He stated he did off and on but he was a bit preoccupied with his home improvement stuff. He stated that he was thinking my suggestion regarding the break would be good or was best (can't remember exactly what he said). I was somewhat stunned so it took me a good five minutes to gain control of my inner turmoil so we pretty much set in silence throughout that time. There was nothing left to say so I asked him to get a bag so I could gather my items that I had there. Thereafter, on my way out, I stated to him that he was basically telling me that it was over. He stated he didn't know. I responded that he did know because we had just discussed on Monday how a break wouldn't do either of us any good because we would throw ourselves into work and other things, never addressing the issues here. He said something but I don't remember what it was. All of my focus was being put into keeping my composure long enough to make it to my truck. The last thing he said was he just needed time to think about what it is that is holding back the development of the relationship or something to that effect. He had stated that there was something that just didn't feel right to him but he couldn't put his finger on it but, if he could figure out what it was, it would give more insight into the current relationship predicament and the future of it.
Anyway, I said that was fine (barely) and walked out without saying anything more. We normally hug on departure but I just couldn't endure anymore pain and I was doing all that I could do keep it together. When I got to the car, I started crying so hard I fumbled with the key in the ignition then I couldn't see anything while attempting to drive. I cried myself to sleep then woke up at almost 3am for NO reason. I almost started crying again because my mind was starting to have waking thoughts about everything. I just kept begging, "please just let me go back to sleep".
*sigh* I'm going to try to make it through my work day. Thanks for your support.
01-06-2011, 05:23 PM
01-06-2011, 08:56 PM
So sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I know how that feels. You deserve someone who makes you a priority. Hang in there!
01-06-2011, 09:15 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this... (((HUGS)))
01-07-2011, 05:53 PM
I, first, want to thank all of those who find the time to stop by and read my blog. I know all of our schedules are full and, when we do find the time, we are greeted by these long ass rants and updates we tend to post :p making us second guess if we Really have the time to read all of this.:o Thank you so much. I appreciate whatever feedback I get and will continue to do my best to keep up with the goings-on in your lives as well.
I'm ... better. Yesterday morning was a bit difficult but I've never been much of a dweller and, though the pain is real (especially when my mind wanders to previous times), it'll pass just like all other pains I have endured throughout my life.
I wonder, a lot, whether I will have the life I want. I know I Can have it...I can have anything... but being capable of having it and actually finding and connecting with the people, places, and things that can successfully manifest that life is a much harder task. As I've mentioned before, I lived in Denver almost two years before I met P who is just shy of being completely compatible with me, full circle. Will it be another two years before I find someone I am willing to invest my time, emotion, and effort into? And when I meet that person, will they be not only able but determined to put forth the same? I don't want to spend in between time having idle sex and shallow connections but I don't want to spend it having no sex either. I did that the first two years. That sucked ass!
I do plan on getting out into the world more-catching some free events around town, ya know. The issue here is if you're not a fitness nut, a beer nut, or well financed, it's really difficult to have a social life. I'm none of the above. I work everyday to incorporate more fitness into my life. I'm not a drinker or a smoker so there is nothing for me in the bars, breweries, or other alcohol-focused events. I'm a single mother of two kids (teen/preteen). Teen lives with me, is one year shy of adulthood, and he attends one of the most successful schools in the area but that school is bascially funded by the parents so I stay broke, not to mention, the upper middle/upper class neighborhood we have to live in for him to continue to be eligible to go to that school so I'm Really broke. Preteen doesn't live with me but receives regular support and extra so I stay even more broke. I don't have the money to go to the play, or out to eat, or on a quick road trip or to this or that festival.
Anywho...I'm looking into getting a second job to help fund some of my goals for this year. With everyone else looking for a job, we'll see how that pans out.
01-09-2011, 05:13 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about your hurt over the end of your relationship with P. At the same time, having just now read through the last four pages of posts, I was kinda glad in a way because it seemed like you could do better and deserve better. Some of what you said about the way he would act when you two were together... doing stuff on his computer, generally being distracted, etc... really reminded me of a relationship that preoccupied me for more than a year. Eventually I cut the guy off from my intimate life because I was tired of feeling minimized and always on the backburner. I'm so glad that I did so because it gave me more time and energy to focus on other potential connections.
You seem like a really strong person who has a good grasp on who she is and what she wants. You're going to be ok. Not to be too trite, but just stay open and the future might surprise you. :)
01-09-2011, 02:52 PM
Oh eklctc, I am so sorry for your pain. I apologize for not keeping up ... Last week was hectic at work, and that's when I usually catch up.
01-10-2011, 07:12 PM
I have been fighting myself about holding out on pursuing new potential partners or making myself available for new potential partners while P sorts through his issues.
But why should I? Iím not the one unsure of what I want, inconsistent in my communications, and causing unnecessary turmoil. I am and have always been very clear on who I am, what I want, what I am capable of developing so why should I continue to exclude myself from future possibilities while he figures it out? I was thinking, since we are on some of the same networks, my pursuits would be used to jump to a conclusion about my thoughts regarding the relationship and what not but, ya know, Iím not responsible for the perception of others. If he wants to jump to conclusions, then fine, but Iím not going to sit around, moping, and waiting. I feel it would be a waste of time anyway since Iím growing to truly believe no one gives a fuck anyway. Iíve already wasted half a year on emotional games and childís play. Itís said too because now I have no desire to involve myself with newbies or married people (or people who identify as such who have been together for more than a couple of years). Itís way too much trouble, especially, when Iím always dealing with people who are older than me who, it seems, have the slightest clue on how to conduct relationships, in general, communicate and just treat people in a way that would be acceptable to them if the shoe was on the other foot. *ugh*
01-10-2011, 07:15 PM
I appreciate you, TP. I, too, realize that I deserve better but, sometimes, we get caught up in the idea of actually having what we want so we choose to downplay and justify things in hopes that our excuses and explanations actually come to pass and it really is all about the inexperience and less about disinterest. *sigh* Oh well... *hugs*
01-10-2011, 10:21 PM
Thanks, AnnabelMore. My above statement actually was meant for you. I'll just repost it here. :)
I, too, realize that I deserve better but, sometimes, we get caught up in the idea of actually having what we want so we choose to downplay and justify things in hopes that our excuses and explanations actually come to pass and it really is all about the inexperience and less about disinterest.
01-15-2011, 10:31 PM
The season finale took place by way of ecard on Thursday evening, January 13th - my birthday.
P sent me an ecard wishing me happy birthday. Within the ecard he acknowledged that he (even though it should have said 'we') mishandled the relationship and he has thought about many of the things I brought up as concerns. He tells me he would like to remain friends but understands if that is too painful for me.
Not only would it be painful but I don't see any point in it. I mean, they both have already proven they are not capable of being good friends let alone companions at this point. Honesty is lacking, communication is lacking, consideration is lacking... As far as I'm concerned, they came into the relationship half-cocked, full of themselves, and less than partially serious about the entire experience. On top of that, they strung me along with false hopes while they kept secrets and played with my emotions.
Obviously, I'm done and don't desire the slightest bit of contact with them; however, my reaction is the same for anyone who hurts me, especially, when it all could have been avoided.
I've already began my new dating cycle and I'm on the top of the world. :)
01-16-2011, 12:16 AM
I wish I could give you a hug right about now. It's always hard to deal with a break up. Try to keep your chin up, and looking forward. Of course, now that you are "on the grid" and have been spotted as a unicorn, you may be hunted incessantly. LMAO! If this had happend about a year ago, my wife and I might have been interested in moving to Colorado. :p LOL
You're good looking, and now single....so enjoy it and have fun with it. ;)
01-16-2011, 02:47 AM
Happy belated, purdy lady!
Hope you're feeling better soon; you deserve it!
01-19-2011, 02:01 AM
01-19-2011, 02:07 AM
I've had an interesting 'since my birthday'. Since I was in a totally new space than where I was when I met P and H, in the earlier part of last year, it seems like the Universe was waiting for me to let go of the dead end and unbalanced situation so the path could be clear for worthwhile prospects. Worthwhile, for me, equates to candid communication, clear knowledge and expression of intentions, and exploration. All I can say is, right at this moment, I'm just like McDonald's -- I'm loving it!
02-05-2011, 03:47 AM
I am not in the mood to completely detail the latest happenings in my world but I will briefly share that my exe female triad partner turned metamour attempted to contact me a couple of nights ago and, at this point, I'm comfortable in the knowledge that I will not her from her again or intentionally have any contact with her or my exe male partner (her husband) going forward. It's funny to me, though, how disconnected some people are when it comes to acknowledging conduct, responsibility, and true characteristics. I'll share the details and my thoughts when I decide to get on my computer that has a functioning enter key.:p