D/s

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Thoughts? Interest? Experience?

[nycindie]

There is already a huge thread here: BDsm (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1824)

It's perfectly acceptable here to add to older threads, so feel free to resurrect it. No need for a new one.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I'd like to find someone worthy of dominating me. I'd like to find someone to fit me that way. Someone to pull my strings and make me move how they want me to move which is also how I need to move (for me). Someone as intense as me. And who can tone me down and make me behave and get a grip. But someone who also knows when I know best.

Sigh. Yeah. Pretty impossible.

[kdt26417]

I hope you find that someone that you're looking for.

Sincerely,
KDT

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Thank You. It's been quite a road of discovery for me. :o

Part of wanting a master is also just seeking the right mate for me. When I find someone worthy to mate with, who also wants to forego lusts of the flesh and other materialistic pursuits in exchange for greater depth and meaning in life and relationship, I will also find someone worthy to be my master. Someone who can discipline me. But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me as well.

I realize that is much harder for me than the general public. Most people just look for someone nice and attractive and they're set. I'm extremely discerning about finding a mate, a partner. That also applies to finding someone to share bodily love with. I find few people interesting to me enough to be sexual with (demi-sexual), much less to have an intense relationship with. But I think this is because trying to find someone to fit me is just not easy. I'm weird and I have a very dominating personality. And I am turned on by intelligence. All of these things make finding a mate very difficult. If someone will fit me, they will also be my Master.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Honestly, I don't get this "But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me as well." Personally, I'm a masochist and switch. I have two great guys who are able to satisfy my needs for pain and domination, but I would never expect them to be submissive to me. They just aren't submissive. And that's okay. We're polly, so I have the option of building a relationship with someone who is submissive if I choose to. I'm also bi-sexual, so I'd have the option of building a relationship with a female submissive if I felt like it too. The only problem I've encountered thus far is that there are a great many men who would love to worship the ground I walk on, submit to me, etc. And most women seem to be afraid that I'm looking for a unicorn and don't reply.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Honestly, I don't get this "But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me as well." Personally, I'm a masochist and switch. I have two great guys who are able to satisfy my needs for pain and domination, but I would never expect them to be submissive to me. They just aren't submissive. And that's okay. We're polly, so I have the option of building a relationship with someone who is submissive if I choose to. I'm also bi-sexual, so I'd have the option of building a relationship with a female submissive if I felt like it too. The only problem I've encountered thus far is that there are a great many men who would love to worship the ground I walk on, submit to me, etc. And most women seem to be afraid that I'm looking for a unicorn and don't reply.


Well, I think that there are as many relationship variations as there are people. :)

If you prefer to have different partners fill different roles, then that is great for you.

Do you find that you do much discipline with your relationship with your 'guys'? Or is it more about S & M with them?

[BrigidsDaughter]

I guess that would depend on the definition of discipline. I am very very much a masochist, so pretty much any from of pain is a reward, not a punishment. It plays out very differently with Runic Wolf (hubby) than it does with Wendigo (bf). With Runic Wolf it's very much S&M with less D/s; because of events in my childhood, I have difficulty with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands, and had a hard time with the concept of being submissive to him. Which was really hard for him because he's a wonderful man who is nothing like the abusive step father I grew up with, but we're easing into D/S because it triggers a strong need in me to fight back and be bratty/ bitchy.

With Wendigo, it's different. He isn't my husband, so I don't feel that automatic need to fight. That "your not the boss of me" mentality just isn't there. So definitely more S&M than D/s, but it's more like 60/40.

And with both of them D/s is a strictly an in the bedroom thing. I'm not into 24/7 D/s and I never will be. My masochist side is much stronger and I would be happy being a lovely shade of ouch 24/7, but that just isn't possible.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I guess that would depend on the definition of discipline. I am very very much a masochist, so pretty much any from of pain is a reward, not a punishment. It plays out very differently with Runic Wolf (hubby) than it does with Wendigo (bf). With Runic Wolf it's very much S&M with less D/s; because of events in my childhood, I have difficulty with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands, and had a hard time with the concept of being submissive to him. Which was really hard for him because he's a wonderful man who is nothing like the abusive step father I grew up with, but we're easing into D/S because it triggers a strong need in me to fight back and be bratty/ bitchy.

With Wendigo, it's different. He isn't my husband, so I don't feel that automatic need to fight. That "your not the boss of me" mentality just isn't there. So definitely more S&M than D/s, but it's more like 60/40.

And with both of them D/s is a strictly an in the bedroom thing. I'm not into 24/7 D/s and I never will be. My masochist side is much stronger and I would be happy being a lovely shade of ouch 24/7, but that just isn't possible.


Interesting! I think that the way I am--the way I'm twisted and the way I've turned in my life--means I am cognizant of the 24/7 thing. So even though I'm too dominant to be sub 24/7, I suspect that my partner will be sub when I'm not.

And it would definitely exist outside the bedroom! That is what is so exciting about it. It's a lifestyle, not just another sex position or scene.

Thanks for sharing you thoughts.

[BrigidsDaughter]

I agree that it is a life style, but I don't live with Wendigo. There are elements of it all in our day to day interactions, but I guess for me 24/7 speaks of letting someone else do the talking for you, sitting at their feet, being collared, etc. Definitely stuff I can't and shouldn't do with a 10 year old in the house and a 16 year old at Wendigo's house. If my guys were switches too, I'm sure we'd be able to work something out, but they're not and I can't be submissive 24/7.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Oh.

Yeah. I guess I thought of 24/7 as being a testament to the subtle energy between the people involved, not necessarily being collared?

Like hanging out in the house because your partner doesn't want you to go out for the day/night. Or wearing a butt plug all day because he wants my ass to be more easily penetrable (and me to be that much ready!) when he walks in the door. Or texting or not texting, according to what she commands and desires. It means being at the others' beck and call and completely open, for whatever the dom would need/want/demand/desire, from clothing, to internet, to phone, to sex, to attitude, to whatever. That's what I mean by 24/7.

I could see it getting more intense as the situation allowed. These are the issues I wanted to talk about with D/s. Thank you for bringing it up. <3

[BrigidsDaughter]

And those are the reasons that I can't be 24/7. I just can't let someone have *that* much control over me. I worked too hard to escape from that type of life; from a childhood where I got grounded from church because I enjoyed it and he didn't want me to enjoy it; where we were supposed to live to make him happy; do everything to his standards even when it just couldn't be done.

I'm all for doing little things to please my partners; dirty texts; making special meals for them; giving them what they need, etc. I can turn on the submissive when I need to, but I really did need to teach myself that it was safe to submit and they are very special cases.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

And those are the reasons that I can't be 24/7. I just can't let someone have *that* much control over me. I worked too hard to escape from that type of life; from a childhood where I got grounded from church because I enjoyed it and he didn't want me to enjoy it; where we were supposed to live to make him happy; do everything to his standards even when it just couldn't be done.

I'm all for doing little things to please my partners; dirty texts; making special meals for them; giving them what they need, etc. I can turn on the submissive when I need to, but I really did need to teach myself that it was safe to submit and they are very special cases.


I understand. <3

Sounds like you had a tough life. I'm assuming you are referring to a father figure?

[SchrodingersCat]

Part of wanting a master is also just seeking the right mate for me. I realize that is much harder for me than the general public. Most people just look for someone nice and attractive and they're set. I'm extremely discerning about finding a mate, a partner.

I beg to differ. Most people meet plenty of nice and attractive people who just don't "fit." Sure, looking for a D/s relationship narrows down the pool a bit. So does looking for someone who will come to church with you, or help you raise billy goats, or share your passion for fly fishing. Dominant is just one "type." Everyone has a "type" and I don't mean physical build. Looking for a 24/7 relationship is not so different from looking for a husband who will support you while you raise babies. And most of us are poly here: that's another type that narrows the pool significantly.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I beg to differ. Most people meet plenty of nice and attractive people who just don't "fit." Sure, looking for a D/s relationship narrows down the pool a bit. So does looking for someone who will come to church with you, or help you raise billy goats, or share your passion for fly fishing. Dominant is just one "type." Everyone has a "type" and I don't mean physical build. Looking for a 24/7 relationship is not so different from looking for a husband who will support you while you raise babies. And most of us are poly here: that's another type that narrows the pool significantly.

I meant me as in me personally, Aphrodite. :) Not as it regards D/s.

I find that my friends and acquaintances seem to meet people whom they would date more quickly and easily. Leading me to believe I'm either more discerning than most, or more difficult to get to know (guarded) than I realize. Likely both.

[SchrodingersCat]

I meant me as in me personally, Aphrodite. :) Not as it regards D/s.

I find that my friends and acquaintances seem to meet people whom they would date more quickly and easily. Leading me to believe I'm either more discerning than most, or more difficult to get to know (guarded) than I realize. Likely both.

Ah, fair enough. I tend to think the same way. I've noticed a lot of people just need "someone" more than anything, and are more willing to settle. I've always been contentedly independent, so I've never minded waiting until someone fit just right.

I would date people casually, with no labels or strings attached, just having fun basically like friends with this extra component... but it wouldn't get serious and I would wander away as soon as I got bored.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Yeah, saying my step dad wasn't the nicest person would be an understatement. Oddly enough a couple of years after he and my mom separated and divorced, he met a woman, got involved with a church, and his personality did a 180. He's a totally different person now and while he doesn't like us to mention the hell he put us through, he genuinely wants to prove that he loves and cares for us.

[kdt26417]

My mom has been trying to become less bossy ... and even if she's not there yet, her kids are all pretty surprised that she's trying.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Yeah, saying my step dad wasn't the nicest person would be an understatement. Oddly enough a couple of years after he and my mom separated and divorced, he met a woman, got involved with a church, and his personality did a 180. He's a totally different person now and while he doesn't like us to mention the hell he put us through, he genuinely wants to prove that he loves and cares for us.

Wow. That is sort-of awesome. Better than late than never, eh?

My mom has been trying to become less bossy ... and even if she's not there yet, her kids are all pretty surprised that she's trying.

:)

[Tonberry]

I'm also a switch, and so is my boyfriend, and I do find that really nice... But since we're both poly, we'd have options if it wasn't the case so it really isn't a requirement for me.

But yeah, I get the attraction of being with another switch. When one of us is very clearly in a dominant or submissive mood, the other one can adapt to it, and sometimes you can go back and forth and kind of "fight for dominance" if you're both in both moods, which doesn't really happen with someone who isn't a switch.

[opalescent]

I tend to find switches most attractive - I dislike being set in a role for any length of time. Being with switches tends to provide that fluidity almost automatically. I also do not care for a 24/7 situation. It works for some but not for me.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

What I'm finding in my realm is that most of the time my Master knows best, and I prefer to be sub.

But sometimes I know best. Master doesn't like to switch out of masterly mode with me, I don't think, but eventually does it anyway, because respect is involved and we take that very seriously. Mutual respect is paramount to D/s relationship. Otherwise you just have another abusive or codependent relationship. She is very equitable and fair and loving, and we both want the other to be the best we can be.

At least that is something I'm discovering about D/s, the necessity of respect, switching or no. I don't actually know how I'd be as Dom physically. Still one of life's great unknowns for me. :confused:

[SchrodingersCat]

What I'm finding in my realm is that most of the time my Master knows best, and I prefer to be sub.

But sometimes I know best. Master doesn't like to switch out of masterly mode with me, I don't think, but eventually does it anyway, because respect is involved and we take that very seriously.

There are a few ways for that to play out, too. A good Dominant will acknowledge that they are not omniscient. Sometimes, they give an order based on the information at hand. But there's nothing wrong with the submissive providing more information so that the Dominant can make the best decision for the submissive.

There's a way to say "I can't do that because of these reasons" which is very differently received than "I won't do it! I won't! I won't! I won't!" while you're stomping your feet and pouting.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

There are a few ways for that to play out, too. A good Dominant will acknowledge that they are not omniscient. Sometimes, they give an order based on the information at hand. But there's nothing wrong with the submissive providing more information so that the Dominant can make the best decision for the submissive.

There's a way to say "I can't do that because of these reasons" which is very differently received than "I won't do it! I won't! I won't! I won't!" while you're stomping your feet and pouting.


That's not the play I'm talking about. That's just sort-of obvious communication. :)

I'm talking about proper switching of the roles for a bit.

[Helo]

I've always been around the BDSM / D/s crowd for a while by virtue of having a...diverse circle of friends but it never really seemed like my thing. I have a difficult time with unequal treatment in almost any sense.

That said, my most recent ladyfriend asked if she could try being dominant with me (she's a sub with her bf) just for a change and I said sure, I'm usually defacto dom by virtue of being more experienced than most of my lovers (looong story) so I was curious. Found I liked that a lot more than I was expecting to...

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I've always been around the BDSM / D/s crowd for a while by virtue of having a...diverse circle of friends but it never really seemed like my thing. I have a difficult time with unequal treatment in almost any sense.

That said, my most recent ladyfriend asked if she could try being dominant with me (she's a sub with her bf) just for a change and I said sure, I'm usually defacto dom by virtue of being more experienced than most of my lovers (looong story) so I was curious. Found I liked that a lot more than I was expecting to...


:cool: Do tell us in detail what you liked about it, please.

[Helo]

:cool: Do tell us in detail what you liked about it, please.
I dont know that I could actually articulate why, I just did XD

By most people's standards, it wasn't that "kinky." I'm used to hanging out with people who have a leather mask and restraints in the glove compartment, just in case.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Alrighty then. :D

[Panchaosfox]

I have never really done much of anything but I have for a while been interested in the whole D/s, I did some very minor stuff with an ex of mine and found that I very much enjoyed being dominated.

[BrigidsDaughter]

I had a very fun Valentine's Day night. Spent 2 hours tied up with my favorite color rope. I love you Runic Wolf. <3 :D

[kdt26417]

:)

Me and the other "arm of the V" guy watched a show yesterday about D/s (well somewhat about S/m). It was an interesting show, we are somewhat uninformed about the whole BDSM concept, but it was nice to hear some interviews and get some glimpses of what professional dominatrixes do. Huh.

I guess it amazes me sometimes how very unique different individuals are. It was also interesting to hear one of the dominatrixes talk about how draining their job can be, as how can one know exactly what way one's client wants to be dominated?

Cool, interesting stuff.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

:)

Me and the other "arm of the V" guy watched a show yesterday about D/s (well somewhat about S/m). It was an interesting show, we are somewhat uninformed about the whole BDSM concept, but it was nice to hear some interviews and get some glimpses of what professional dominatrixes do. Huh.

I guess it amazes me sometimes how very unique different individuals are. It was also interesting to hear one of the dominatrixes talk about how draining their job can be, as how can one know exactly what way one's client wants to be dominated?

Cool, interesting stuff.


It is so interesting. Like a whole new world to discover. :)


Yes, I think it would be very energy-demanding being a Dom, at least a good one, because you are giving so much attention to learning your sub. I fully appreciate that and am amazed by it>that anyone would want to know me that well. :o


I could see a place for it professionally. But that really isn't my style, either way.

[Magdlyn]

Aphrodite, you seem to be looking for a monogamous D/s relationship. Since this is a board for polyamouous people, perhaps you'd be better served looking around Fetlife. There are hundreds of fora for chatting there about every aspect of BDSM, and every other fetish and perversion you can think of... perhaps pedophilia and snuff are the only fetishes not allowed to be publicly discussed there.

I am a switch and I know for a fact subs outnumber Doms about 100 to 1. It's much easier to sub than Dom, even though it may seem like more work and more pain. Domming/taking charge takes a lot of energy and thought, care and sensitivity. subbing is just doing as one is told. Easy!

Domming comes naturally to me, I am a born leader. I am good at it. Subbing is more fun and relaxing! Luckily I've got 2 switchy lovers.

Paid "Dominatrixes" are not true Dommes since they are merely fulfilling the fetishes of their customers.

[Helo]

FetLife was kinda scary, they seemed very unfriendly to vanilla people.

[Magdlyn]

FetLife was kinda scary, they seemed very unfriendly to vanilla people.

Well, it's a board for perverts. I do not find it scary at all. Quite friendly and fun.

The OP does not seem vanilla so I do not get your point.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I happen to be poly, within limits, which I've elaborated on in another thread I started.

Not interested in Fetlife at this time, though thank you for suggesting it.

I'm not really vanilla, fwiw. I'm more like chocolate raspberry truffle. With rainbow sprinkles. :p

Yeah.

[Helo]

Well, it's a board for perverts. I do not find it scary at all. Quite friendly and fun.

The OP does not seem vanilla so I do not get your point.

Relating my own experience with FetLife. I'm (relatively) vanilla.

[Magdlyn]

I happen to be poly, within limits, which I've elaborated on in another thread I started.

Not interested in Fetlife at this time, though thank you for suggesting it.



OK, I read your other thread.

To find a Master, I am not sure why you wouldnt try "Facebook for kinky people," aka Fetlife. Or collarme.com. That's another place full of eager so-called Doms. Maybe you'd find a good one. My gf is there and gets about 30 hits a day. She's sub.

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

OK, I read your other thread.

To find a Master, I am not sure why you wouldnt try "Facebook for kinky people," aka Fetlife. Or collarme.com. That's another place full of eager so-called Doms. Maybe you'd find a good one. My gf is there and gets about 30 hits a day. She's sub.

I think I have a master, is why.

The whole reason I'm like this now, is become of him. He's melded me into who I am. She's irreplaceable.

No one else can be my Master.

[BoringGuy]

I think I have a master, is why.

The whole reason I'm like this now, is become of him. He's melded me into who I am. She's irreplaceable.

No one else can be my Master.

But this is the post you wrote when you started this thread:


I'd like to find someone worthy of dominating me. I'd like to find someone to fit me that way. Someone to pull my strings and make me move how they want me to move which is also how I need to move (for me). Someone as intense as me. And who can tone me down and make me behave and get a grip. But someone who also knows when I know best.

Sigh. Yeah. Pretty impossible.

So, could you make up your mind, please? which is it? Do you have a Master or don't you? Are you looking for one or aren't you? Is it "impossible" or not? :confused:

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

But this is the post you wrote when you started this thread:




So, could you make up your mind, please? which is it? Do you have a Master or don't you? Are you looking for one or aren't you? Is it "impossible" or not? :confused:


:(


Yes, I feel like I do. But perhaps on that day I felt frustrated. Or too alone. My master and I are learning each other I think.

Letting go of your own power, when you are very strong, isn't easy. At the same time, you are building trust (if the relationship is to grow and blossom), and both must occur when you meld with someone else. People aren't linear equations; we have quirks and issues affecting us that can put a kink in things.

I modeled the OP basically on what my master has awakened in me. And I hope and pray that it continues to progress. That is all I know.

I'm sorry if my post confused anyone.

[BrigidsDaughter]

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1824&highlight=BDSM&page=53

That is the main BDSM thread. TBH- I think the touchy, in part, comes from local communities that blend poly meets with BDSM munches. It makes people who are poly, but vanilla feel unwelcomed and uncomfortable. We've had people leave the NY state's poly site because they felt that there were too many people on there involved in kink and felt marginalized. It is better to have only one thread where everyone who wants to participate in the conversation can find it, rather than have multiple threads appear that might scare people off perhaps?

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Meh, I disagree.

I think anything that promotes discussion and communication is good. Isn't that a poly concept after all? Open Communication?

I've already stated that bdsm is too broad a category. All kinds of detailed threads are started on here. I see no reason a D/s thread is out of place.

[redpepper]

D/s to me is an add on to poly. For some, poly is an add on to D/s. They are not necessarily linked. On THIS particular thread in THIS section linking the two would be appropriate. If other stuff about D/s is of interest then it would be best to start a new thread in the "fireplace" section.

The assumption that poly and D/s go hand in hand is just that.... an assumption. If there is one thing I have learned about poly is to not assume or expect anything. I often realize that what I have in my head is not factual when I do this.

Our community too has had its divisions around this. There is a fracture that has occured that has divided those that enjoy casual sex (sex parties, swinging, private encounters), those who practice D/s and those that are poly. There are over laps but they don't go hand in hand for everyone.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Thanks, RP, that's what I was trying to say, but my brain is muddled today. For us, BDSM is an add on to poly because the relationships existed before kink was added to them. For others it may happen differently. For others it may not happen at all and that is okay too.

I respect that others will disagree and that there are those who are poly who do not wish to have poly associated with the kink community much the same way that I do not feel that swinging goes hand in hand with poly. That is why I suggested that we move any further discussion about D/s to the BDSM thread in the Fireplace. Because if you just want to talk about D/s in general, the General Discussion thread is not the place for it unless you are relating it to a specific poly relationship. IMO.

[nycindie]

Suck me bitches.

D/s is totally a poly subject.Wow, is that really how you respond to a Moderator suggesting your thread may be in the wrong place and offering to move it for you?

And D/s is a subject that can stand alone. It isn't "totally" a poly subject. I mean, come on - a little common sense will tell you otherwise. Many people into D/s are not poly and many poly people are not into D/s at all. Just because you combine the two in your life doesn't mean everyone does. :/

As I already said, the BDSM thread is a large subject. It is completely logical to start a thread for D/s. At the very least, this thread should be in the Fireplace, I think. You're not really talking about anything specifically poly here.

Did a tag search and don't see any compelling threads. Perhaps you could link the best one? And we'll see if it's applicable.Um, hello? I was the first one to respond to your original post with a link to our Master Thread on BDSM. Scroll back to the first page to see it.

There used to be less of a number of threads on similar topics here back when one of the Mods used to merge topics to create Master Threads. There was a reason for that; it makes it easier to find variety of discussions on specific subjects. The Master Thread on BDSM addresses any and all aspects of that subject. If you want to discuss something specific about only D/s, that is the appropriate thread this should be merged with.

[HappiestManAlive]

This thread = headdesk