New arrival

[Cubafan]

Hi All

Just arrived on here and I guess into the world of polyamory a bit by accident !! lol !

My wife decided this was for her, and after many months of supportive discussion, we have decided to try this approach to life

So far it seems a bit complex, and not the easiest thing in the world we have tried to do, though it's apparent even at this stage that there are benefits coming back into our relationship that I didn't expect to see, and that may tempt me to be a "fully committed" member of the polyamory family !!

I'll try not to fumble in the dark as I get used to the web site, so if anyone out there has the time / inclination to help a newbie, I won't be too proud to listen !! lol !!

[MonoVCPHG]

Welcome to the forum! And don't worry..I have been fumbly through the dark ever since I got here. You'll be fine:D

[Quath]

It is mostly complex because we have not grown up surrounded by these ideas. So we have to figure out stuff on our own instead of relying upon society's norms to hint at the appropriate behavior.

Welcome to the forum and don't be afraid to ask or comment.

[Cubafan]

As my wife and I go down this journey, it's good to know others have travelled the same road, and that we can learn from their experiences

It's good to feel you are not alone !!

[vampiresscammy]

heyla and welcome :)

[Cubafan]

Thanks for making me feel so welcome !!

The UK can feel a lonely place if you feel you are maybe the only people trying to do this !! lol !!

[yoxi]

Cool - someone else in the UK :). Enjoy yourselves exploring the mystery that is People!

[Cubafan]

If there are so few of us in the UK, I'd like to think that makes us special people !! lol !!

[yoxi]

I'm sure there are loads of people in the UK just getting on with polyamorous relationships without the 'benefit' of a name for the experience :). Most people I talk to about this have no problem with the concept "loving more than one person needn't = inability to commit" regardless of whether the P word ever gets mentioned.

[Cubafan]

One of the things I seem to be struggling with is starting a polyamory relationship, as there seem to be forums if you are looking for sex, or forums if you are looking for a traditional partner, but if you start to talk about polyamory, people seem to run a mile !!

The concept of loving and being comitted to more than one person, for many seems to be a step too far !!

[yoxi]

Have you come across http://www.uk-poly.net/ yet? It's still a bit slow to get going, but at least it's UK-based.

I suppose that the flipside of what I wrote above is that many people have had their heart's fingers burned in relationships by people who leave them for someone else (or they've seen it happen to others) so it's not surprising if folk are wary of the authenticity of "no, I can love you AND person x equally". Perhaps as time goes by and there are more role models out there for successful poly relationships, people will be more willing to trust that it's just as likely to work as the monamory option (which has a crap track record but a huge propaganda engine in its corner) :).

[Cubafan]

I'll give it a try and see what develops !

I agree with the bad press that polyamory tends to get, and I guess if you "dare" to be different, then you carry that baggage too !

But communications within the "primary" relationship at least mean that's stable a remains loving, and after that it's no better or worse than a traditional relationship model - if you want it to work and put the time and effort into it, it will do !!

[yoxi]

Perhaps also: the relationship's only as good as its participants are able to believe it can be. The bigger people's imagination (and I mean something much different from 'fantasy' here) the more amazing the relationships. I had a relationship break up partly because my partner found it threatening and therefore 'offensive' that I had intense, intimate (and I don't mean physically) friendships with a number of people, some going back 35 years. My following partner found that beautiful, as I did in her. Jealousy is optional (with some effort :)).

[Cubafan]

Have you always been a polyamory person? Is this something you knew inside, or something you gravitated towards over a period of time ?

I agree with the jealousy issue - it sometimes rears it's head no matter how hard you work, but we have found that when it does, if you are honest about how you are feeling, it tends to be dealt with constructively !

We have both felt that as our relationship is the primary one, if we put the right level of love and effort into it, it has the same liklihood of success, or maybe more due to the extra focus it gets, than a more traditional one !

It's not always easy, but the good far outweighs the less good, and the personal growth it brings as individuals and as a couple is immense - it make you realise how many years you have been asleep for !!

[yoxi]

Strange to say - I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I realised earlier this year that I've been (literally) dreaming about it since I was 10. So I've just been reading, chatting, smelling the air, mulling it over. Because of my 'emotional promiscuity' (all my intense friendships over the years) it just seems natural to me to love as many people as you love at the time, and for others to be doing the same. I don't feel the 'need' to be in a relationship that's polyamorous, so I'm not specifically hunting for one - but if that's what happens at any point I'd be delighted. And therefore I'd probably be happier in a relationship if it's with someone(s) who are poly-friendly. I'm quite cautious about getting involved with people sexually, so slowly is how it will happen :).

[Cubafan]

I have been pondering this for a while, whilst getting familiar with how it works in my primary relationship !

Initially it was a shock to realise that my wife was kind of poly - in so far as she developped a relationship over a number of years without me knowing, so when it all came out, we spent many hours talking about it, deciding it was not an either or choice for our relationship, and then have worked hard to make this work ! She has had no issues with being able to love two people, and now I feel relatively comfortable and secure in our relationship again

This is now virtually "normalised", so after many months of thinking about it, I have begun to feel that to be able to express love to more than one, is a far more natural thing than to be in a traditional relationship and cheating ! Honesty throughout being a key difference to "cheating"

It will be interesting over the coming months to see how it develops, and with the love and support of my wife, or partner as I now think of her, what additional things this brings back into our relationship !

Isn't life just grand !! lol !!