I guess this is the deep end...

[Cricket]

When you were a kid, did you ever step off the edge of the pool, and then realize a step too late that the water was about three feet deeper than you thought it was? You sink further and faster than you expected to, and when you stretch out your legs to try to put a foot on the bottom of the pool, it's still a couple feet below, out of reach.

That's pretty much what a lot of the past year has felt like.

I haven't been in a 'serious' relationship in more than five years. The last one was with a guy I still have nightmares about. (We'll call him the X.) I did NOT expect to fall in love with Karma. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, but somehow hours turned into nights, and nights turned into weeks, and weeks to months. The relationship we had before Mohegan found out we'd had an affair was full of ups and downs. The ups were how he made me feel like a person for the first time in years. The downs were when I hated myself for being the other woman, and when I resented that I loved him too much to break it off. The ups were the first nights I went without nightmares when sleeping beside a man, the first time anyone had ever been able to bring me out of a panic attack, and the point where I realized how much of an improvement it was that I could actually trust a man enough to sleep beside him. The downs were the nights I had panic attacks and couldn't call him, couldn't reach him, and didn't dare try too many times, the time the X found my number and called, the time I ran into him at a concert, and couldn't reach Karma.

I always assumed that at some point I would be cheated on. It never dawned on me that I would ever knowingly be the other woman. At times I pitied his wife, at times I resented her, but most of the time, I just tried not to think about it. He needed me, and I needed him, and I told myself that was enough.

But he was busy. He had a real life, and I couldn't be part of it. It got to the point where I barely heard from him, let alone saw him. Our mutual friend J was the only person I felt like I could talk to. I didn't realize at first that he already had strong feelings for me, and over time, I found myself feeling for him too. He was the only person at that point who was truly there for me all the time.
This is the point where I feel like I really got in over my head. It never occurred to me that I could love more than one man. I do love both of them, and it seemed like a logical course of action to try and be with both of them, and make both of them happy. Suddenly, my life became a juggling act that I just wasn't prepared for. I was caught between two men I loved, who quite simply detest each other. They used to be friends, and I've been told time and time again that they would have fought whether or not I came into the picture. But it still sucks to have been the catalyst.
J and Karma both told me quite candidly what they thought of the other, and how they thought I was being used and manipulated by the other. Accusations were flying all over the place. Now, I'm quite paranoid enough on my own, thanks. My imagination doesn't need fuel – but I found it in abundance. Things blew up, and J told Mohegan about my affair with Karma. He warned me before he did, and on some level, I guess I didn't tell him not to because I felt she had the right to know. I told him I thought he was doing the right thing, but fore ENTIRELY the wrong reasons, and I felt that it should be Karma and I who told her. Didn't get the chance. He sent it. There were all kinds of threats and snarls and accusations. The fights got worse, then kinda burned out. Things sort of settled down, but I think it was only because they were both tired of fighting, and were trying not to put me in the middle.

[Cricket]

As is the nature of people who have NO idea what they were doing, I promptly screwed up again. Karma's close friend D had been talking me up for a long time. He had established himself as a confidante, a person I could turn to for help and advice. He'd been a little flirty, but never too much. Then, one night, he wanted to hang out. He told me he had to talk to Karma first.
Lack of experience has made me astoundingly naïve, and I know that – I'm trying to grow out of it, but that process hurts. D had asked for Karma's permission to pursue me. NOBODY felt the need to tell me this. I didn't think he was interested - I had wondered, briefly, but decided that D, the charming, charismatic prince of darkness and womanizer, wouldn't be interested in little old me. So D picked me up, and we headed back to his place to 'hang out.' Having a clue, beforehand, would have been nice. D told me that he'd asked Karma for permission, and that Karma had given him the green light. The way he said it made it sound to me like it was what Karma wanted. D had spent quite awhile explaining to me that he likes to share, it turns him on. I wondered if Karma wasn't the same way. D is an extremely controlling, dominant person, and he is, quite frankly, prone to violence. This is precisely the type of personality that the X has. When confronted with it, I buckled. He got what he wanted. Now, I can't blame it all on fear, and don't assume I am – there was a healthy dose of lust and a bit of curiosity in there. He was new, he was charming, he was attractive. But at the point when I wanted to back out, I found I could not say no. Call it what you will. “Spineless,” “cowardly,” and “lacking balls” have been thrown around a lot. I can be a doormat, and I don't actually need the reminders of it. I'm just trying to change it.

J was livid. I had cheated, and I was still not entirely sure how it had happened. I couldn't give him any kind of explanation. I was dazed, scared, and in pain. He flipped, and started threatening to hurt himself if I didn't fix things. Now, I love him, but there is a LOT about him that I have trouble dealing with. That's one of the issues that I normally don't know how to confront, especially not with J. I told Karma, and he was furious too. I didn't know what happened. D had told me Karma was okay with it. I'd thought it was what he wanted. I had the both of them yelling at me, distrustful of me, and suspicious of me. Then D found out about my confusion and regret, and was immediately defensive. D thought I was accusing him of rape, J said I'd cheated, Karma was angry and I didn't get why. Everyone thought I was lying, playing games, being manipulative.
Trust me, I'm not smart enough to manipulate people like Karma and D. I'm just not. Even if I was, I'm not inclined to. I have made a LOT of mistakes over the last year, and I can't necessarily fix all of them, or even most of them. But I am learning as quickly as I can, and trying really hard not to duplicate mistakes.

Suddenly, J suggested a poly relationship to me. He suggested it, so I assumed he was okay with it. I don't know why. Maybe I just really wanted to believe it. Both J and Karma told me that they would rather see me with the other than with D. I tried to sort out a schedule that would give Karma and J roughly equal amounts of time with me, and would still give Karma and Mohegan time together. There were a few hitches. I get the impression that that's usually the case.

I've been trying to figure out how to smooth things out between Mohegan and myself, and I really just don't know how. Even before she found out about the affair, I felt like she immediately got hostile. I couldn't blame her for it, so I didn't really argue. In her place, I'd be pretty pissed at the other woman. I've probably projected my expectations (and definitely my paranoia) on Mohegan. I'm trying not to do that anymore.
We started trying to rebuild trust, but nearly every time I've seen her, I've perceived nothing but hostility. I say 'perceived' because I'm not necessarily being fair. It's probably mostly my paranoia and expectations. But I've felt like she had no interest in getting to know me, and like she was just waiting for me to screw up again, so she could tell Karma and I we couldn't see each other.

Now, I have a lot of issues trusting women. I don't have many female friends, because I don't tolerate cattiness well. When confronted with a woman who's being hostile, I'll do one of two things:
1.)I get hostile right back, and lash out with all the venom I see fit to use.
2.)I don't respond, either out of contempt or diplomacy.
I didn't feel like I had a right to lash out. Karma and I had cheated. There were no two ways around that, and it was kind of miraculous that she would be willing to let us try to sort this out. I also didn't feel like getting confrontational would help. That's been extremely difficult, from time to time. I've been accused of a lot, been called a lot of things, and been judged from the get-go. I've had my love for Karma questioned by god and everybody, and I keep hearing the questions “Why does he need her?” "Now that we're okay again, what is he getting from her?" and “What is she giving him?” That hurt unbelievably. But snapping didn't seem like the most helpful course of action. So in the interest of diplomacy, I chose not to say anything. This apparently comes across as being pitifully spineless, and inspires little but contempt. I pick up on her distaste, and immediately get defensive, and wall off. Why try to open up when I'm fairly certain I'm just going to be attacked? Everyone keeps telling me “just be yourself.” Why? Some inexplicable vibe is apparently so off-putting that I make her skin crawl. As far as I could see, the logical response was not to make things worse.

Yes, as Mohegan pointed out, I've got self-esteem issues. So I felt like there was no use in presenting myself as a target to her, when everything I did seemed to piss her off, and made her think I was a lying manipulative whore. She doesn't see anything in me worth the trouble Karma's gone to to keep me around. Would you try to be friends? I knew I'd just get hurt, and I'm not quite that much of a masochist. I understand she's just trying to protect her husband, and looking back, I understand a lot of my mistakes. However, I won't go out of my way to play nice with someone who doesn't seem to be giving me even a snowflake's chance in hell at earning respect. As far as I could see, she had no interest at all in getting to know me, so I did my best to not irritate her by following her around like a lost puppy, and being her best friend. I let it go. I won't try to be someone's friend when neither of us can be genuine about it. She doesn't like me, so I don't try to convince her she should. Yes, this is a very defeatist attitude. No, it was not the right way to respond. But I'm not sure what the right way is.

I really did feel like she was demanding I open up, just so I could provide her with new buttons to push, and I felt certain she had no intention of actually giving me a chance. So I refused to play that 'game.'

Because of the issues I have with my X, it is very hard for me to say 'no.' Karma and I discussed it recently, and he told me he doesn't ever actually recall me saying the word 'no' to him. That's a problem. I'm also extremely nervous about asserting myself, my needs. When my worth is questioned, I don't challenge it. I just do my best to avoid situations that upset people. The X taught me that upsetting people results in getting hurt. That's not the kind of 'training' that you overcome easily. I'm not writing all my issues off as his fault, but I'm realizing more and more how much they influence the rest of my life, particularly my relationship with Karma, and now with Mohegan.

She sees my failure to stand up for myself as pure and inexplicable cowardice. I see it as what used to be self-preservation, and is now just something I'm trying to overcome. Unfortunately, getting over it is not something that produces tangible, immediate results, so it looks like I'm doing nothing.

I decided early on that if she ever asks me to stop seeing him, I will. I will try to fix things, but I won't try to change her mind. If she asks me not to post here anymore, or to stop reading, I'm fine with that too. I've done my best to abide by her rules, because she has every right to impose them. Of course, with her and I limiting our contact lately, that's been a little hard, because Karma's the only thing really facilitating communication, and this game of telephone is bound to result in hurt feelings and mistakes. I'm hoping that by accepting her invitation to write here, we can at least get to a point where she's not poking me with a sharp stick to see who I am and what I'm about, and I'm not curling up in my shell to avoid harsh questions and quick judgment.

[anotherbo]

Wow. What a situation.

As I read the posts, frequently I think how courageous people are to open up about some of the most intimate, often painful and embarrassing things about their lives and themselves, even in the fairly anonymous context of this forum. How much more courage does it take to tell your story when people you know well are going to read it? When you're afraid that opening up may give people in your life ammunition to cause you pain?

Pretty fucking impressive for a spineless doormat, in my opinion.

Perhaps it would also be appropriate to say here, something I've thought about when reading Mohegan's threads and others like it, but have never posted.

Strength and courage. In a troubled relationship, whether we choose to stay or to go, we need strength and courage to make good on our choice.

I'm impressed with the courage and strength that has been shown by Mohegan, and others, in following through with their choice. Dealing with the aftermath of cheating, the loss of trust, must be devastatingly difficult. To those who have made the further choice to try to accept someone new into their life that hurt them so badly... I can't even imagine what that takes.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I'm rooting hard for all of you!


Anotherbo :)

[Mohegan]

Pretty fucking impressive for a spineless doormat, in my opinion.



Yeah, it really is. She's come a long way in the last five months. We all have. The last two days have been pretty eye opening for all of us. It's nice to FINALY know her side of things.

Hopefuly she gets the support and great feedback I have.


Cricket-thanks for finaly posting and giving yourself a voice. I hope this is the start of us moving in good direction.

[LovingRadiance]

I find after a year of being on here that when I see a "new" part of an "established" relationship poster enter the picture I am nervous about replying.
Because it so easily turns into a bloodbath.

That said-I would like to welcome you to the forum Cricket.

I was the wife who cheated on her husband (so the position of Karma).
GG was the "other man".

Here we stand now living together, myself, GG and my husband Maca. It's been a rough go some of the time, a beautiful dream some of the time and often it's been a hysterically funny ride. But most of all it's been a true blessing in disguise as we each find ourselves more truly and grown into better versions of ourselves.

I hope that all of you can find the better and then best versions of yourselves as well.

[FormerUnicorn]

Welcome, Cricket. I'm glad you're here.

[Cricket]

Thank you everybody. :)
I was honestly kind of nervous about posting here. Hopefully it'll help Mohegan and I with the whole communication thing.



Been such a busy week. School's kinda crazy right now. My Farsi professor's a nice enough lady, but there's a wee bit of a language barrier between us. I've kind of been playing this game, since day one, that's been fondly dubbed "What the fuck is going on?!"

I'm not winning.

I also realized Wednesday night that I had a rough draft for a group project due the next day. I'd thought "writing workshop" meant we'd be writing the project he hadn't told us how to do. Turns out it meant we'd be reviewing it.
Flipped out, did the entire thing Thursday morning, walked into class, and about a third of the kids didn't have their essays.
He pushed the due date back.
Friggin' awesome.

My grandmother also just moved in with us, and the entire family's been...Stressed. We're all butting heads more than usual. I got fed up enough that I pretty much took off Tuesday night, and went to chill with J. Stayed there until late Wednesday.
J broke up with me because he couldn't deal with the poly thing. Okay, fine. I'm honestly grateful he tried. I'm okay with being just friends - in some ways, he can be a better friend than boyfriend.
He wants to be benefriends.
I'm not particularly bugged by the notion, because he might actually be right when he said we communicated better when we were 'friends.' I didn't feel like there was so much pressure to be the dream girl he thought I was. I was what I was, and being a friend, he couldn't expect more of me.
He chose to shut down, and I'm tired of trying to talk him out of it.
I'm not walking on eggshells to spare his feelings anymore, either.

He's spent months using me cheating with D as his moral high ground (he'd never ever cheat, of course) from which to launch all kinds of guilt trips.
That's kind of my fault - I didn't give either J or Karma the full story about what happened with D for a good long time. Part of it was that I didn't (and still don't) entirely understand what happened. I get the actions, I don't get the reasoning.
Another part of it is that given the full story right away, both J and Karma would probably have immediately gone to hunt D down. I'm not really down with the idea of visiting either of them in prison.

D pushed one of my biggest triggers, and I immediately caved - it's a trigger both Karma and J are very aware of, because they've seen me flip out because of it. Knowing D pushed that button repeatedly would have infuriated them both.
I hadn't told J because, to be honest, I figured he would blame me for it anyway, or worse, not believe me. It was also easier for everyone for him to be angry at me, to resent me.

So when he started bitching at me about how unfair the whole poly thing is, how Karma and I are being unfair to Mohegan, etc. etc. etc., D came up. He always does.
So this time I was totally, brutally honest.
J looked like I'd kicked a chair out from under him. Suddenly, he's got no soapbox to stand on to preach and condemn.
I could have done it more delicately, but I'm not particularly contrite. He needed the clue-by-four to know he was out of line. I needed to know that my words still had some impact.
He was heartbroken that I hadn't told him, that I had assumed he wouldn't believe me.
Dunno if this leaves us in a better place, but I think we're nearing the end of the fights about D.

Unfortunately, when I was chatting with Karma, the conversation came up, and in my irritation, I didn't at all bother to censor what I was saying. It hadn't occurred to me that Mohegan was reading over his shoulder, or that she'd take the comment that Joe felt we were breaching her trust badly.
Looking back, I totally get why she would be upset by it.
It was a rough night wondering if I'd fucked things up again.
Once Karma explained it, she was okay with it all again.

So with all the week's ups and downs, I don't know if I wanna go out this weekend. Ordinarily I'd love to - but I know that the place I wanna go is one where D will almost definitely be.
He's made threats agains J, J got a peace order, it was served a few days ago. That doesn't at all mean I can count on either of them to keep their hands to themselves, and I kind of feel it would be a bad idea for me to be there if the shit hits the fan. I don't trust D not to try to use me against J.
I'm not even sure he wouldn't lash out at me - I don't have a peace order against him.

Perhaps a weekend at home with a book is in order. ;)

[Mohegan]

I was kinda looking forward to you being there this weekend. I was hoping we could all hang out.

But I completely understand why you don't want to be there. Now that we have netflix maybe we could do a movie night, and just see how things go? With Karma there it won't put all the pressure on us to entertain eachother, as going out alone would. Baby steps in getting to know eachother?

[Cricket]

I haven't quite decided whether or not to go. C also wanted to hang out this weekend and thought we'd all chill there or something, cuz I really do need to get out of the house. K won't let C go to anywhere alone at Faire anymore. D's kind of got everybody watching their wimminz. I've kind of been hoping that everyone there will be on guard, so if you and Karma weren't there, C and the Polar Bear would be, or something.

I would love to go to Faire, I just...don't want to cause problems. Y'know?
I'm reluctant to avoid a place I love, and avoid hanging out with people I love, but odds are good D is going to be there, and it's a given that he's going to be pissed. J had kind of fallen off his radar until D got involved with me, and then "lost me" to J.

A movie night definitely sounds good. :)

[Mohegan]

Last weekend, D ignored everyone until the last like 15 min, then he and Karma had there deep talk , where D's fake tears gave me a migraine :mad:

I wouldn't avoid a place you love because of stupid people. If others are going to be there to protect you, and I've no doubt K and polar bear will, then why let one person ruin your good time?

Plus, J being there is an instigation to D anyway. J being alive is an instigation to D.

If you wanna go, go. And maybe my wish will come true and they'll both just implode :)

[Cricket]

D cried several times when we were hanging out. Usually when he felt I'd committed some horrible act of betrayal. Then he'd demand recompensation.

I don't think there's a person on this world whose tears mean less to me. Crocodiles can cry too, y'know.

[Karma]

I'm not OK with you staying away from someplace you love, because of one asshole. Not cool at all, he has no business having that kind of power over you.

You're not the instigating factor here - every man in D's life is. Me, J, hell, even K and the Bear - and when was the last time that EITHER of them pissed ANYONE off? It's not in either of their natures. I've never seen them piss anyone off except C, and well, she's engaged to K and Bear's best friend, so that's just par for the course :)

Seriously, you can't blame yourself for D's actions. If J shows up there, D will start his bullshit, just like he's still in highschool. Not your fault. Personally, I think something needs to happen, so that we can have him kicked out permanently and our happy place can go back to being happy for all of us.

Come out to play with us, babe. Don't change your plans because of one man and his inability to deal with...... well, with anyone.

[Cricket]

I see your point, and I'm relatively sure I want to go. I don't like the idea of letting him scare me away.

But put yourself in my petite little shoes. If he's unraveling as quickly as it appears, would you want to be a small girl he recently fixated on? One who he actually believes belongs to him?

[Mohegan]

Be safe and smart about it. Don't go alone, don't be alone while there. Either with Karma and I or others.

But he's a typical womanizer, I don't see him doing anything in public.

[Cricket]

I don't expect him to do anything, but I didn't expect him to bring 'love' into the equation with me. I didn't really expect anything with him. So at this point, I'm quite content to air on the side of paranoia.


I just realized that Mohegan and I have possibly talked more tonight, or at least in the last two or three days, than we have since we met. We've definitely talked a whole lot more openly.
That's pretty cool. :)

[Mohegan]

I just realized that Mohegan and I have possibly talked more tonight, or at least in the last two or three days, than we have since we met. We've definitely talked a whole lot more openly.
That's pretty cool. :)

I was jsut thinking that. Funny how opening the line back up and squaring away perceived truths with real truths makes all the difference.

Little nervous for this weekend, but looking forward to it.

[Karma]

You two have officially broken my brain tonight, in an entirely good way :)

[Morningglory629]

You two have officially broken my brain tonight, in an entirely good way :)

Instead of a pair of ball-busters you two are brain-breakers! LOL. Welcome Cricket. Interesting reading. You are a brave girl to get on here and blog your story. I am still too chicken to put it all out there. Good on ye!;)

[LovingRadiance]

where D's fake tears gave me a migraine :mad:


I think I fell in love with you just a little bit over this line. ;)

[Mohegan]

Great seeing you today, sorry I wasn't in a better mood. Looking forward to movie night.

[Cricket]

Thanks MorningGlory. Heh. I don't think of myself as brave, but thank you.:)


The three of us had a fun movie night last night. Mohegan and I found lots to laugh over, particularly inflicting clowns from Cirque du Soleil on Karma in retaliation for his Kung Fu treachery. (Black Dynamite? Really? I think I lost brain cells during that one :p)
We even discussed making him sit through The Princess and the Frog. There was much laughter.
My day had been a rather rough one, and I wasn't the only one, but curling up on the couch with gummy worms in one hand and a fuckin' awesome cookie in the other improved everything.

Mohegan and I are honestly doing worlds better than I'd thought possible. I'm excited and kinda proud.

On an unrelated note, it's a sad state of affairs when you have to hide in your room with your cat to feel comfortable in your own home. Family has been...frustrating, lately.
School getting busier doesn't help. :(

[Mohegan]

That's okay, princess and the frog next time:D

Glad you had a good time, I did too.

I knew we needed to have that talk, but I never expected it to do what it did. Who'd have that we'd be where we are in only a week? Go us!!!

I look forward to seeing where this road leads.

And being sneaky sneaky about your birthday :D

[Derbylicious]

I like the blue hair Cricket, it's kind of awesome :)

[Mohegan]

I'm going through withdraw. I miss our nightly talks.

[Cricket]

Thanks. :) I didn't get the job I was looking at, so I figured I might as well dye the hair blue like I'd been wanting to since the purple got old.

Miss you both lots, Mohegan and Karma!
But the sneakies are making me all curious! :p

[Cricket]

So Mohegan and I have really surprised each other by getting along marvelously - and even getting to the point where our nights aren't complete without some chatting time.
I'm really, really thrilled.

I honestly felt like we were never going to get along, and it was never going to work - I assumed we'd always harbour some kind of resentment, and just be polite, but so far, we're actually playing nice.

I'm quite pleased. :) Neither of us is prone to befriending women.

School is stupid.
Professors of foreign languages should probably be fluent in both the language they're teaching, and the one they're teaching in.
Group projects are infuriating because they are always perfectly designed to lay 80% of the work onto the shoulders of 20% of the group. I'm always in that 20% who simply refuses to allow the laziness of the kids around me to affect my grade - I'd rather take on other people's work than see them fuck it up and impact me. The upside of this group project is that I'm grouped with a hot drummer who's one of the only other people legitly working on the whole thing. ;) I enjoy simultaneously bitching about humanity and not-quite flirting.

I'd been sleeping better for the last couple weeks, but last night and the night before were rough. It might be a stress issue - J went to court to deal with D's threats, my Grandma has moved in, and the entire past two weeks have been due dates and deadlines.
It's not the usual nightmares, or panic attacks, or anything.
Just can't sleep.

[Cricket]

Hellish nightmares last night. Kept waking J up, which of course put him in a bad mood, so he started having nightmares too.
It really sucks when the person who you try cuddle with to feel better starts having bad dreams too.
Maybe I should give up on saving for ink, and just go buy stuff to make that damn dreamcatcher.

[Karma]

Sorry, babe. I'll be home soon. :(

With a kickass birthday present :D

[Cricket]

I miss you guys so much. Really need cuddles and a good night's sleep. This 'up until four, waking up again at six or seven' business is not working for me.

You shouldn't tease, btw. You know I'm a curious kitten, and Curiosity killed the cat. (Though in all fairness, I feel like Curiosity probably didn't get a very fair trial for that whole affair- it's highly possible the cat was curious about what a ride in the dryer would be like, or something.)

[Mohegan]

Happy Birthday!!!

[MonoVCPHG]

Happy B Day Cricket!

[Cricket]

Thank you, Mohegan and Mono! :D


On that note, as soon as my Grandma found out Mohegan was coming tonight, she went "...Oh...That's...."
I immediately got defensive and said "That's my friend. But don't worry, we'll sit out there, by the fire, and be unoffensive."
I stalked off to shower without giving her a chance to respond, and could hear her trying to extricate her foot from her esophagus as I left.

Here's the thing: she might not have meant to be offensive, but she is a drama-monger. She's the kind of person who will hire someone who stole from her to help clean up the trailer before she moves out of it, (get my Daddy to) pay them hundreds of dollars after they've "worked off what they stole" and then give her a few hundred more dollars to look after her cats until we can move them out here, and then act shocked, shocked I tell you, when the dumb bitch steals that money, gambles it away, and leaves the cats to starve.
She turns to her neighbor, a deadbeat alcoholic dad, and asks him to take care of the trailer, and is then absolutely aghast, utterly betrayed, when the bastard tries to steal from her too.

So I'm planning on suggesting to Mohegan that she only needs to be as polite to my grandma as my grandma is to her.
Mohegan doesn't need me to defend her - she can do it herself.
Grandma doesn't get me defending her - she has it coming.

I understand that it is an odd situation, to have the wife whose husband I cheated with come to hang out for my birthday, but this is how I have chosen to lead my life, and Mohegan and Karma are family, and they are okay with how we're doing things.

Once I got out of the shower, Grandma assured me she wasn't trying to be rude, and I do believe she was really sorry for offending me. She's just not sure how to behave, so she thinks she's just going to follow my mom's lead. My mom has been operating on a kind of "don't mention it" policy.
I think that's a good plan.

Please note, my mother told Grandma about the whole situation - not me. I would have chosen to keep her in the dark, because I know she will inevitably call up all the thieves and hookers and deadbeat dads in her old trailer park to gossip, and it's just better if I don't get defensive, because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[vodkafan]

Happy Birthday Cricket! :D We haven't spoken before but I have been fascinated by you three since you started posting. Hope you have a good one with no unwanted fireworks.

[Mohegan]

So I'm planning on suggesting to Mohegan that she only needs to be as polite to my grandma as my grandma is to her.
Mohegan doesn't need me to defend her - she can do it herself.
Grandma doesn't get me defending her - she has it coming.


Really:D I wasn't allowed last night, glad you changed your mind :D

No worries, I'll play nice.

[Mohegan]

had a great time tonight, hope you did too. I so enjoy that we can spend time together like that. I find personal peace in being able to think of your joy. I'm so glad we're at that point. I really hope you enjoyed yourself. I am looking forward to our dinner/pumpkin carving date.

[Cricket]

Had an awesome weekend, up until the last half-hour or so.

I mixed up henna the other night, cuz I was gonna tattoo my hands. I put it in a cupboard, out of the way, so none of my family would disturb it.
Thinking it was chocolate, my grandmother dipped a finger in the paste and ate it.
This is somehow all my fault.

Here's a thought: if it's not yours, don't put it in your mouth.


J is struggling with horrible depression, and I have no idea how to help him. I desperately want to, but he can't see it, and I can't figure out how to show him. I can't be perfect, and I feel like I would have to be to make him happy.
He's been hiding it from me, and I knew it, and tonight I told him I wanted to help, and he pretty much blew up or broke down, I'm not sure which is more accurate.
I wish I could help him, I wish I could carry him through this, but I don't know how, and I don't think he'll let me.

[Mohegan]

LOL that's hilarious. Really, I'm gonna go eat this unmarked container and then blame you cuz it wasn't food. :D

I'm sorry about the stuff with J. As much he annoys me and I have issues with his personality, I wish neither of you had to deal with what you do.

[Ariakas]

Here's a thought: if it's not yours, don't put it in your mouth.


Well you just made me spit up my drink. In so many ways, this rule should be universal...


J is struggling with horrible depression, and I have no idea how to help him. I desperately want to, but he can't see it, and I can't figure out how to show him. I can't be perfect, and I feel like I would have to be to make him happy.
He's been hiding it from me, and I knew it, and tonight I told him I wanted to help, and he pretty much blew up or broke down, I'm not sure which is more accurate.
I wish I could help him, I wish I could carry him through this, but I don't know how, and I don't think he'll let me.

Feeling helpless is the most brutal part of someone elses depression. The only advice I can give, you eventually have to not worry about it anymore. My mother suffered horribly for years, I in turn tortured myself for years. Once I realized, it wasn't me, I couldn't fix it, and I couldn't control it, all I could do was be there, as her son...

But I couldn't carry the guilt behind it, because in the end depression is a selfish disease. It is almost never anyone elses problem, all you can do is be there for support (which is different than taking on the guilt)

[Cricket]

J and I have a wee bit of a "folie a deux" problem. When one of us goes through a depressive episode, we frequently take the other with us. I'm not sure which of us started the latest one, him or I, but it seems moot.

I had a really long talk with him last night, and I hope I helped. We talked, and I got him to vent as much as I could, (though I know he was holding a fair bit back because he didn't want to hurt my feelings - other nights, I'd have pushed, but right now I'm grateful - I'm still pretty tender) and then I talked to him about therapy, and walked through a lot of the things stressing him out, and tried to help him find ways to ease them.
His problem is a lot like mine - he takes on the world, then doesn't know how to let go of those responsibilities, for fear of everyone else's world falling apart.
We talked about therapy, and he's reluctant to talk to a stranger - I can totally understand that, but I don't have the tools to help him, and he needs help, so I'm going to try to keep that option in his mind.

I do understand that this is shit he has to do for himself, but from where I'm standing, it looks like he needs a hand to hold along the way. I'm trying to provide that, but still not let myself get pulled under by the guilt.

[Mohegan]

Please don't take my blog post as me being upset with you. You have every right to have time with Karma when you need him. I just wish it didn't happen that we both needed him at the same time.

I hope you're feeling better. I was worried when you guys didn't show up here.

[Cricket]

Glad you're not mad at me. :(
I was reluctant to call, cuz I wasn't sure how you were feeling, but I was kind of a mess.

It's possible I haven't straight up told Karma "I need you here, now," before, so I think I kind of freaked him out, which might have accounted for him not filling you in on stuff, particularly after a rough day.
I wasn't really sure you were up to company, and I just wanted some time with him, and was kind of at wit's end.

Sorry for all that.

[Karma]

Glad you're not mad at me. :(
I was reluctant to call, cuz I wasn't sure how you were feeling, but I was kind of a mess.

It's possible I haven't straight up told Karma "I need you here, now," before, so I think I kind of freaked him out, which might have accounted for him not filling you in on stuff, particularly after a rough day.
I wasn't really sure you were up to company, and I just wanted some time with him, and was kind of at wit's end.

Sorry for all that.

Absolutely. If the two of you could please pre-plan all of your sudden emotional meltdowns, random physical ailment flareups, unexpected family crises, and assorted other random occurences that reqiure my attention, I think everything will work much better. Ya know, just pencil that shit in on the calendar:

"Today, I will completely fall to pieces and want to murder someone for no apparent reason, because tomorrow, Mohegan is scheduled for an Unforseen Muscle Spasm in her neck that will leave her immobile all day, and Friday's out because mom and I have our scheduled snippy-comment duel."

I love you both :) Let's not actually plan out our crises, I'm not sure I can handle any more of them this week!

[Mohegan]

But if we schedule, we could leave the rest of this week free and all get a chance to relax :D I'd love to schedule the muscle pain, cuz then I don't have to wonder how tomorrow will feel, I'll already know.

But whatever, it is what it is and it's another thing for the three of us to learn and work through. We're lucky, we have an extra level of support built it.

[LovingRadiance]

I LOVED reading these last 3 posts.
I have admittedly not kept up to date (several pages behind) with what all is up in your lives.

But I thought that this little conversation was just awesome!!!
Great job on communicating and keeping a sense of humor amidst crisis.
Great job on being able/willing to go with the flow when something came up.

GREAT job sharing how a little bit of banter can go a long way to calm a heart and soul.

:)

[Morningglory629]

Happy Halloween...Saiman...New Year...whatever it is you kids celebrate! Too bad you are not "home" to help Mo and Karma carve pumpkins. Hoping all is well. ;)

[Cricket]

At what point do familial obligations become too much?

My grandma moved in with us recently, because she simply cannot take care of herself. She can't live alone. She'll die. (Sooner than she should, anyway.)

She's in her mid sixties, extremely overweight, has had some kind of cancer that tore up a lot of her digestive tract, and has emotional scarring that would make Oprah genuinely cringe.
Her depression and damage manifest themselves in a number of ways:
She's a compulsive spender, and will buy anything she wants without hesitation, and will often buy two. Because of that, she's spent all her retirement savings (years before she was eligible to retire), and is several thousand dollars in debt.
She eats. In her family, food became a weird power thing. She's obese, her sister's anorexic, there's just so much damage there I can't even touch it. But food is a comfort thing for her. If she's not smoking or sleeping, she's eating. She does all three in roughly equal measures. If she were eating healthy things, it wouldn't be an issue, but she'll buy nothing but junk food if she can get away with it.
She takes in all kinds of wounded or displaced critters. (Read: crazy cat lady) When we last went to visit her, she had 28 cats, 5 puppies and their mother living with her in her trailer. She can barely get around because she's obese, has bad knees, and doesn't exercise. So no, she didn't clean up after them much. They were mostly feral, mostly unfixed, and many were horribly ill. For the impact of this to be meaningful, you have to understand, I ADORE animals. I love them, I take care of them, there are very few that I simply cannot handle. But if she hadn't gotten rid of them, I would have pushed to have them all put down. They were all very bad-tempered, many ill, and honestly, there were only a handful that should have been re-adopted. Sarcoptic mange is not a selling point in kittens. Neither are fleas, painful and terminal heart defects, or intestinal parasites that are beyond treating. But because of her loneliness, her maternal streak, and her compassionate need to nurture, she couldn't let a single case go. She couldn't pay for treating them, either.
She's just a messy, disorganized person. It's too hard for her to get around for her to clean up after herself, so she leaves her crap everywhere, and rarely finishes anything she starts.
She's in denial of her age. Sixty, pretending to be sixteen, with a credit card, a driver's license, and a feeling that time is running out so she needs to enjoy everything she possibly can right now before it's too late because you never know when you're gonna run out of time and won't be able to indulge in little pleasures anymore.
When she gets lonely or bored, she starts drama to bring attention and entertainment. She makes poor choices in who to trust (and apparently, coming from me, that's a helluva statement) and is regularly used and manipulated because of it. People cheat her out of her money and her charity all the time, especially when she was living in a trailer park in the midwest.
She buys tons of everything, spends money she doesn't have, buys more food than she'll eat (yet still eats too much) and lets the leftovers rot because she can't/won't clean up after herself. The trailer we moved her out of is, to be brutally honest, a biohazard. It's full of waste of all kinds, infested with more pests than I can count, and I don't even want to know what else. If she'd stayed there, she would have poisoned herself. She still might if she doesn't start eating right, and get a second opinion for all of the twenty or thirty some-odd prescriptions she got from her chiropractor (who was telling her things like "Quitting smoking now is a bad idea - it's unhealthy, and your cough isn't caused by the multiple-pack-a-day habit, it's caused by mercury poisoning from your dentures.")

In a nutshell, NOT a fun person to live with. Those are just the biggest issues.
But she's family, I love her, and the whole family is clear that she cannot live alone. We also feel like it would be wrong of us to just stick her in an old folks' home because it's easier on us.
Really stressful.
The adjustment is not fun.
She's a highly confrontational, very demanding person.

Again - she's family. She's too proud to go to a home, and even if the dignity she's clinging to is just a sad illusion, she needs it, and I would not forgive myself if I took that dignity from her.
So we've moved her in with us, we're redoing the basement, and trying to give her an environment where she'll have both family to look after her, and a (false) sense of independence.

[Cricket]

So, in a quick change of topic, Karma has always asked that I tell him what's wrong, instead of going with habitual (and often untrue) "I'm fine."
Problem is, he's got shit going on in his life, and I feel like he doesn't need me adding to it, so really, I only vent to him when I'm completely overwhelmed, or just that fucking pissed.
Lately, he's decided he needs to focus mostly on his own needs.
Good for him.
I'm really, really glad that he's finally choosing to focus on his problems and stresses, rather than trying to save the world for the rest of us. Don't get me wrong - the need to help people is something I love about him - but I don't want to see it wearing him down the way it has.

Family's kind of a touchy topic for us, because he feels like I let my family walk all over me, I never stand up for myself, they take advantage of me, etc. That's really only true in part, but because of how our schedules are, and the fact that he just doesn't see much of the interaction between us, I can see why he'd feel that way: He really only hears about my family when I'm overwhelmed and need to vent.

He's a fighter, through and through.
I'm a negotiator, when I can be.
In spite of what he seems to see, this doesn't mean I never fight. Honestly, he doesn't see most of the fights going on in my life. I don't take shit when I feel like it's truly inexcusable.
Yeah, I've made major mistakes and taken more than I should have in the past, but I'm not the perpetual victim/doormat that he seems to see me as.
It hurts, when a loved one seems to be telling you you're always weak and never stand up for what's right.
On the flipside of the coin, I feel like he fights when there's no need to. It's like he can't not fight. I pick my battles. If I can better my own life or my loved one's lives by simply dealing with the problematic person, enduring unfairness, and then moving on, so be it. I don't fight if I don't have to, because more often than not, that exacerbates the situation.
I see that as careful thought, he seems to see it as cowardice, and failing to stand up for what's right.

So what this whole mess boils down to (at least as far as I can see) is that from his perspective, my grandmother is taking advantage of us, and we have no obligation to care for her, much less put up with her bullshit. From my perspective, this is the right thing to do.

Neither of us is very good at backing down if we're sure we're in the right.

I'm hurt and angry, because our last fight was basically about how he feels like I won't stand up for what's right, and how I feel like he makes problems into fights when they could simply be endured or outlasted.
Tonight, we fought about whether or not my grandma should be kicked out and stuck in a nursing home.
I'm tired of being criticized for not fighting the way he would.
I'm not him.
I just wish he could respect that I have made a decision based on what I think is right, as has my family. None of us like it. None of us want her here. We all love her very dearly, but none of us are really equipped to handle this stress with any semblance of grace.
We have been addressing our issues with her behaviour one at a time, politely, and with as much compassion as we can. It's hard, it's taking a long time, and we've only just gotten started. We all feel like it would be cruel to just tell her we fucking hate this that or the other, when instead, we can patiently suggest alternate diets, gently remind her to take pills, ask her not to scream at us when she's upset, and so on.
It's not fun.
It's not easy.
But I truly believe that by being direct and patient, rather than confrontational and brutally blunt, we can help her without too much pain.

Karma hates the whole thing, thinks she's a petulant child who's taking advantage of us, picking on me and my siblings, criticizing my mother unfairly, neglecting the pets, causing more trouble than she's worth, etc. I haven't actually argued those things too much. He's right, it's a pretty fucked up situation, but she's been hurt so many times she has no real notion of other people's feelings or needs, and no idea how much her demands and criticism can weigh on us.
But she does have the capacity to learn and grow - I've seen it. She's changed over the last few weeks, and I know it's slow, and painful, and I know it's gonna suck in the meantime, but the family has decided to have her here, where we can take care of her, rather than foisting her off on a stranger, and effectively rejecting our own kin just because she's a royal pain in the ass.

He says he "accepts" it. Acceptance is not the same thing as respect.
Yes I'm young, yes I've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean my choices deserve no respect.

If his problem with me is that I don't fight for what's right, why is he so mad that I'm doing it now?

I understand he misses me, and he and Mohegan and I had plans tonight. I really fuckin' wanted to go chill with them. My mother, father, brother and I went to visit family friends this weekend, and my sister and grandmother stayed behind.
Between Friday night and Sunday morning, the neighbors started a fire, the plumbers fucked up and broke the water lines so we have no water, and in the process of trying to repair it, broke the Invisible Fence wire, so the dogs can't go out in the yard anymore. My little sister had to cancel the party she'd been planning for today, and had to deal with Grandma bitching and moaning about the water, and the noise the dogs were making because of strangers tromping around in the yard and the fact they couldn't go out to pee. By the time we got home, she was in tears, on the verge of a breakdown, and grandma started shrieking and bitching before we were even out of the goddamn car.
We were all pissed, stressed, and she was taking her issues out on us.

So yeah, I would have MUCH preferred to go spend the night with Karma and Mohegan, who I actually love spending time with. Instead, I opted to stay home, and take my brother trick-or-treating, walk the dogs, and fold laundry, because my mother was about to have a complete breakdown, and Daddy was dealing with Grandma and the plumbers. I know I disappointed Mohegan and Karma, but I didn't want to leave my family on their own. And Mom wouldn't have been okay with me leaving anyway.

Instead, I'm gonna turn in early, and hope tomorrow's a little better.

[Cricket]

Happy Halloween...Saiman...New Year...whatever it is you kids celebrate! Too bad you are not "home" to help Mo and Karma carve pumpkins. Hoping all is well. ;)

Thanks. :) Samhain was happy until it wasn't. lol But that seems to be the way things are in my life, right now.

[Derbylicious]

The family situation that you're in is temporary and if it really does get out of control you could always look at alternate living arrangements for yourself.

[Myzka]

I see that as careful thought, he seems to see it as cowardice, and failing to stand up for what's right.

Neither of us is very good at backing down if we're sure we're in the right.

I'm hurt and angry, because our last fight was basically about how he feels like I won't stand up for what's right, and how I feel like he makes problems into fights when they could simply be endured or outlasted.

I'm tired of being criticized for not fighting the way he would.
I'm not him.
I just wish he could respect that I have made a decision based on what I think is right, as has my family.
But I truly believe that by being direct and patient, rather than confrontational and brutally blunt, we can help her without too much pain.

But she does have the capacity to learn and grow - I've seen it. She's changed over the last few weeks, and I know it's slow, and painful, and I know it's gonna suck in the meantime, but the family has decided to have her here, where we can take care of her, rather than foisting her off on a stranger, and effectively rejecting our own kin just because she's a royal pain in the ass.

He says he "accepts" it. Acceptance is not the same thing as respect.
Yes I'm young, yes I've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean my choices deserve no respect.



I adore you, Cricket! :)

Some changes in life aren't easy, but we stick with them and endure.
I cannot and won't fight all battles that come my way and well, there are different methods of actually fighting. Not every battle can be resolved over night, fast and easy, some battles take time, like with your grandma, it's going to be a long process and that is what you chose to do.
The thing, that I find, with what is 'right' is that we all have a different idea what right in fact is. My 'right' for one situation may be different from your 'right' for that situation....soooo, who is right? And, does it actually matter?

You pick choices in life that you think work best, we all do, and hopefully we can accept what comes with those choices.
The two main choices here are, the grandma stays with you and you suffer and hopefully she will change and the life will be more bearable, which is quite possible, but might take a long time...or...you put her in the nursing home and, the way I see it from reading your post, you would be feeling guilty for a long time, plus, thinking you shouldn't have done it and it wasn't by your choice. So in the end, maybe it doesn't really matter what the right thing to do is, maybe it's just what makes you, Cricket, feel better about the whole situation :)

lots of hugs,
-m

[SNeacail]

Has your grandma had a serious phyc evaluation? It sounds like one might be in order, which also may give you guys some extra resources for dealing with the situation.

Don't be too hard on Karma. His whole view point is in protecting you. Sometimes when you are too close to a situation, it is really hard to see when others are taking advantage of your giving nature. While the "fighters" may not have the most diplomatic solutions, they are usually pretty good at recognizing a problem waiting to explode. Take a hard look at his concerns and then come up with some contingency plans. I would also talk to him more, not just when you are ready to explode.

From what you have said, no one should be left alone with this women, she sounds verbally abusive. Falling victim to bad spending habits and con artists is not an excuse to act like a child. Much of her issues she has brought upon herself and you are doing her no favors by making excuses for her.

[Karma]

SNeacal, you're pretty much right :) I see a problem and I immediately move to deal with it when it threatens someone I love.... oftentimes, even when they don't want or need me to :)

We talked for a good while last night, an Cricket and I have decided that there must be some middle ground between my method of dealing with things and hers, so we're going to try and learn from each other. This thing with her grandma is one facet of an ongoing conversation between the two of us, and what concerns her is my need to fight every battle that comes my way, and the toll it takes on me emotionally and mentally.

And she's right to be concerned, I just don't know any other way to be. So, maybe it's time to learn something new.

[Cricket]

Part of the issue between me and Karma has been that I feel like he's judging my opinion as being of less value than his own because he thinks it's wrong. Naturally, I get defensive.

We talked, and we think that part of it is probably partly because yeah, when he feels passionately that someone else is wrong, he can't always keep explaining his point from turning into trying to tear apart my point. Also, we'd been doing most of our arguing over FB cuz we have so little time to talk face to face nowadays. Without those nonverbal cues to remind me he's not attacking me, I forget. I do honestly know he's trying to protect me, but when we're not talking in person, and he's telling me I'm wrong, and being foolish for refusing to do things his way, it's...hard to remember.
I'm used to people thinking I'm wrong, and I'm used to being verbally attacked because of it.
So I took everything he said as him trying to tear apart my point of view, because he didn't like how I choose to handle my life.

I also realized I hadn't painted a fair picture of my Grandma for him. After I told him more about the fond memories I have of time with her, how she's looked after me, and supported me, and been there for me, he understood my loyalty a little bit more.
He also had either not heard me, or had not actually understood when I told him things were getting better with her. He didn't realize that even though I'm aggravated, I am seeing Grandma get better, seeing her learn and grow.
Things are improving.

Growing up is hard to do. Especially when you're supposed to already be a grown up.
Grandma Ginny is having to grow up, and suddenly she has to grow up with other people's rules - younger people's rules. She has to listen to her daughter-in-law, and apparently, Mom's been laying down the law and pulling no punches. She finally lost her temper and got honest.
Glad I slept through that shit, though it's a blue-eyed miracle that I did.

She and I had a long talk today, and I laid out my issues with her as I saw them, and tried to shed some light on mom's issues with her as well. I set straight some things she'd misconstrued, and she explained her mindset to me a little more. A lot of the spending issues are because for awhile, her inheritance was only being given to her in batches of $300 a month, and that's all she had for a month. Her bankers really are minions of Satan. I'm sure of it. She bought credit cards, so she could afford to keep up with her needs, and the cat's needs, etc. The credit cards resulted in what they almost always do: debt. She's actually better off than we thought, now that she's got a little more supervision.
She picked up on the Depression-era shopping thing that a lot of older folks seem to have - buy three of everything.
Combine the two, and you have a problem. She told me that it'd be really helpful for whoever's shopping with her to gently ask "Are you sure you need that?" or "Do you really want that?" when she goes to get something that's unnecessary.
The diet thing is also something we talked about, and I think she's just had no real education in basic nutritional rules. We'll work on that.

So really, things aren't as bad as they were, even if we're only taking baby steps.

Karma and I are also trying to find a middle ground between his constant fight mode, and my avoidance, and hope it helps us both, because neither of us have a perfect way to face things.

And now I'm off to try to put together a study group.
I volunteered to help one of the kids in my Farsi class today, and we got to talking. Apparently, the professor charges thirty bucks an hour for tutoring. She's the only Farsi teacher, as far as I know.
It suddenly makes more sense that she usually evades questions in class, and dashes off to her car as soon as she can after class.
Screw that.
I'm good with languages, and I've been told I could be a teacher. There are kids who're all but failing, and she's basically trying to extort money in exchange for grades. Now it makes sense that my first impression of her was "business woman" not "teacher." Reporting her now would fuck me over grade-wise, no doubt, so I'll wait until I'm done the course, and then do it. In the mean time, I can tutor the kids she's screwing over.

[Mohegan]

Do you know what Gma's dietary restrictions are? Part of my degree focuses on nutrition, I can come over and work with her if you want. Show her healthier options to meet the cravings and explain where they come from in the first place.

People tend respond to a change in diet better when they know they have substitutions for the things they crave.

[Cricket]

I don't, and to be honest, I don't think she has a realistic idea of it.

The doctor she had out in OK was a frigging nutcase. I don't know what cereal box he got his degree out of.
He told her that quitting smoking would be too dangerous for her, at her age, and that her coughing was caused by the mercury poisoning from her fillings and dentures.

We're looking for a new doc for her, we've already found a satisfactory pharmacy, so we're hoping they can recommend someone.


I'd definitely appreciate you working with her, and I'm betting she would too. Thank you.

[Mohegan]

I sent a reply on face book. didn't wanna clog your blog up with my nutrtion ideas.

[Karma]

This is pretty freakin awesome, ladies :)

[Cricket]

So...Tired.

So much homework.

I'm working on a group project in Farsi, but my group members are a fifty-plus year old woman who pitches tantrums when someone younger than her tries to tell her what to do, or help her, or when her questions aren't answered IMMEDIATELY and in short enough sentences or small enough words; a teen whose parents decided that just because she was smart enough for college she should go, who is effectively the avatar of awkwardness and who has been absent for a week now; and a fluent girl who was told to do something completely unrelated for our project.
The professor is a moron and/or a manipulative bitch, and I've not quite decided which it is yet.

The ceramics prof told us that none of our work was due until the end of the semester. Technically, this was true. I really, really like the freedom to work all the way up until the last bloody minute. I'm a major perfectionist, and since I generally dislike art classes and assignments so much, it's best if I have plenty of time to obsess over minute details that the teacher rarely actually notices, much less gives a shit about, because it means I feel like I at least did my best, rather than just filling the requirements.
Problem is, what the prof didn't tell us is that the last date for bisque firing is the fifteenth of November.
Thanks, lady.
So I just finished a three-foot tall coil pot (which she had us turn into a "house") four dishes (to test-fire glazes), a fairly large mask, four owls (she had us make four hollow spheres of clay, and come up with a "theme" to sculpt them after), and a mosaic. All this weekend. The mask made it into and out of the kiln, the tower has been sitting there waiting to be fired for days, my mosaic curled up while drying before firing and had to be redone, the owls started crumbling so I had to rework them at home, the mask needed glazing but I couldn't find what I'd been using before, ditto with the dishes, and I am STILL better off than most of the other people in my class, who've finished about half of what we were supposed to. Then the prof didn't show for class tonight. Panic attack was apparently kind of over nothing.

Still on the same group project for College Comp (English). I made the mistake of leaving it to another kid in the group to set up an interview. Granted, shit's been rough for him, but if he needed help, he has my damn number. We were supposed to have completed interviews by Thursday so we could begin transcribing them in class. I have yet to talk to this woman face-to-face, and the chick who was gonna get the recorder never did.
Now, when we were meant to put together our group essay, the other kids got me their parts as last-minute as is humanly possible. As in 'I was getting sad, lonely little single paragraphs that were hastily written (or copy/pasted) with the most appalling misspellings and grammatical mistakes I've seen since fourth grade in the half-hour before the class after the essay was due' type last-minute.
You have to understand, this should NOT have been that hard. We were supposed to have written individual essays in the two weeks before, on the exact same subject matter. All that was required was a brief, cohesive summary that flowed together neatly.
I ended up being the one to edit and rewrite their parts, put them in chronological order, smooth out transitions, and write an introductory and conclusive paragraph for the essay.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't have bothered.
We were told that to complete the course, we had to complete every assignment. This assignment is supposed to be donated to the local archives of the community, and therefore, I guessed that it was supposed to be 'archive-worthy.' I did my best.
This interview that's also several days late already is a follow-up for the same assignment, and I'm still getting fucked over by these kids.
The prof's a great guy, but I would like to sit down with the educators who decided that group projects were a valuable teaching/learning tool, and pick their brains to try to figure out WHY THE HELL they thought this would be a good idea. This doesn't teach cooperation, or sound work ethics, it teaches kids how to take advantage of the ambitiousness or resourcefulness of their peers, often at the expense of those same peers.

In the meantime, stuff with Grandma has been a sort of two steps forward, one step back thing, but I suspect it's mostly due to my extremely foul temper lately, which is probably because of the ridiculous sleep deprivation.

College had better be worth the fucking grief.



Oh. Happy note:
Met Karma's parents the other day, and liked them, though there was a wee bit of awkwardness when they asked how we'd met. I had thought Karma had told them. Apparently not. I opted to just say we'd met at a club, and I'll let him fill in blanks, if he's so inclined.

[Mohegan]

This doesn't teach cooperation, or sound work ethics, it teaches kids how to take advantage of the ambitiousness or resourcefulness of their peers, often at the expense of those same peers.


Oh. Happy note:
Met Karma's parents the other day, and liked them, though there was a wee bit of awkwardness when they asked how we'd met. I had thought Karma had told them. Apparently not. I opted to just say we'd met at a club, and I'll let him fill in blanks, if he's so inclined.

Welcome to college dear :D

From what I've been told when having said discussions with profs, they set up group work to see who is doing the work. To see who actualy cares to learn. All my profs have been very aware of the lackof work done in groups.


As for Karmas dad and step mom-glad you enjoyed meeting them. They are really awesome people.

As for what he's told them, remember when I said it wasn't just you Karma doesn't call. This was the first time he's been over there in who knows how long. I doubt that it's that he didn't want to tell them, as much as he just hasn't talked to them to tell them.

[Cricket]

Group projects still suck. I'm gonna be doing shit on my own, I guess, but make no mistake, I'm throwing ALL these bitches under the bus.

One of the girls in my Farsi class (the awkward one) is apparently in the hospital, and has been since last Tuesday. Feeling hella guilty for being so mad at her. She's apparently withdrawing from school due to medical shit. Poor thing. Thinking about calling or visiting or something.

Just got home yesterday to find out my poor sister hasn't been able to reach her best friend for nearly a week. She and mom called around, cuz she was freaking, and afraid her friend had committed suicide. Turns out she tried, and is in the hospital, if we understood the carefully censored conversation with the doctor.
I have no idea how to help my sister, or how to make this better.

New project in Farsi, due Tuesday, plus the next part of the group project in College Comp that I'm getting no help with.


Why is it that disasters all happen at the same time?

[Mohegan]

I feel so bad for your sister. That's a hard place to be. Maybe you could help her make some sort of get well something or other. It'll give her a creative outlet and a sister nearby showing that she cares.

Miss you, hopefully we can hang out tomorrow

[Karma]

You failed to mention this, dear.

We need to kidnap her and force her to do something fun, at least just to let her know that people are there for her.

[Cricket]

I thought I told you at Hound's birthday thing. Like, I'm almost positive.

Right now, what she needs is to rest, I think. She does the same thing as me when she's stressed or grieving - doesn't eat or sleep for days at a time.

Her friend did attempt - she went from the Pediatric Emergency Room to Sheppard Pratt pretty quickly. This is apparently the second time the poor girl has tried to OD.
Last time she got stuck on pills that don't work, with a shrink who's apparently a bitch. Her parents are still basically keeping her locked up at home, with no contact with friends except for school and FB, and my sister doesn't go to school with her anymore - their middle schools split them into different high schools.

Apparently, her friend is feeling a lot better, cuz she got home and found about a billion messages on FB saying people were worried, and missed her, and stuff.

So hopefully, good will come out of this.

[Cricket]

Still running constantly. On Monday I've got a paper, my mask, coil pot, and possibly three dishes and four pods due. Tuesday I have two papers and some other homework due, plus I have to finish this recording debacle from the interview and send our interviewee a transcript for her to review as quickly as possible.

Everyone at home is sick but me. It's just a matter of time before this cold hits. Still trying to find time to go see the doctor.

I'd like to stop and catch my breath, but I don't think I can until after this semester's over.
Two weeks left, and the profs want way too much work for that kind of timeframe.

[SNeacail]

One of the really good things about college, is that there is a definite end date to the overwhelming stress. Then a month later it slowly starts all over again. Hang in there winter break is almost here.

[Karma]

Take your cough drops, take your zinc, and hang in there. I know you can do this!! I have faith in you.

[Cricket]

So, Grams got sick around Thanksgiving, and I dunno if living alone for 20 + years made her forget how to handle that when living with others, or what.

When I get sick, I generally quarantine myself, or at least don't do things like volunteer to be the one to set the table, or anything like that. Nothing that means I might risk coughing on your silverware right before dinner, or anything. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I think it was probably something along those lines. Or she just sneezed on dinner. Dunno, don't care.

All of us have it, "it" being something that began with a sore throat, and quickly evolved to the kind of sore throat that makes it painful to chew. This was followed shortly thereafter by cough, mild congestion, muscle aches, and lymph nodes so swollen that when J brushed his fingers over my neck, I nearly punched him cuz it hurt so much. It's possible that nobody but me ended up with a fever.
This blows.
Fevers make me fucking STUPID and often stubborn. Saturday night, I was firmly convinced that Karma was full of shit, and I didn't have a fever, and he should just leave me alone and stop nagging about asprin and shit.
My body temp is usually a degree or two lower than most people's, so a low grade fever still bakes my goddamn brain.
Once J finally talked me into taking some ibuprofen for the aches, and it kicked in, I realized how miserable I was.
Suddenly, I wasn't sweating, half-delirious, stumbling, or particularly dazed.
Wow.
Amazing how that works.

My theory is that since I was already short on sleep and stressed, I got sicker than anyone else in my family. I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday last week that, in my exhaustion, I decided it was a good idea to get home from class and take a sleeping pill, the antidepressant I'd missed that morning, and the three anti-baby pills I'd missed because I couldn't get a refill of my scrip early enough. I was tired enough it made sense to take it a couple hours before dinner, on a completely empty stomach. I spent the whole night puking, and then dry heaving once I ran out of things to puke up. I couldn't even keep down the water I drank. I was pretty positive I was just going to puke out my innards at one point, but didn't quite manage. No sleep for me makes me more susceptible to both stupid ideas and anything contagious.
Either that, or my ambitious, type - A personality self went and got not one but two viruses. It's happened before.
Like, a lot.

Either way, I'm only now starting to feel better, but still waking up every couple hours because I hurt, can't breathe, or am relatively sure I'm about to spontaneously combust.

Turned in my ceramics paper, my pot, and my mask last night. Got a rather chilly reception. I think she knows I spray-painted that bitch cuz I couldn't make it into the last batch of glaze firing.
English and Farsi today. Bleh. More being responsible for other people's asshattery.
Or maybe I'll just go in, hand him my papers, and tell the other kids to suck a dick and do their own homework, then go home to my fuzzy teddy and some more tea.

[Karma]

I strongly suggest the teddy and tea method of handling their asshattery ;)

[Cricket]

My sort of ex-girlfriend and I have been back in touch, recently. We parted on good (or at least not bad) terms, and kind of fell out of contact. Lately, we've been talking more.
She told me the other night that she still loves me. I still care about her a lot, but I'm terrified to lose one of the only girls I'm really close friends with if things don't work out, and I don't know if I want to try my first serious relationship with a girl when I'm also trying the poly thing for the first time. I've also been feeling like I need time to get my head in order before I go any further, so this is simultaneously something that put butterflies in my tummy, and something that made me kinda facepalm at the way nothing in my life comes in anything less than twos and threes.

[Mohegan]

Well...We both know you have some you work to do. You also have school to concentrate on. Family, Karma, J, friends. how does she feel about poly? Can she handle you dating Karma and whatever the hell it is with J? Can she handle your time being divided between the 6,000 other things you have going on? Can you handle adding someone else to that?

I see nothing wrong with getting back in touch, getting to know eachother again, and seeing where things go. I think people tend to put a label on something and then things fall apart when they don't match up with the perception of the label.

My concern come in with her saying she still loves you. While I do believe there are different levels of love, and maybe she does still love you, just on a different level, I can't imagine an un nurtured, unacknowleged, romantic relationship type love, still burning. My experience is that, "I still love you" tends to pop up when someone is feeling lonely and they reach out to an old flame hoping for something to be there. They hope the other person has been dreaming and pineing for them and that telling them "I still love you" will reignite that flame.

Not saying that is what is going on, that's just my experience and I worry about what her intentions really are.

[anotherbo]

... something that made me kinda facepalm at the way nothing in my life comes in anything less than twos and threes.

I'm right there with you, Cricket. Everything happens at once!

[Cricket]

Lately, I've felt completely overwhelmed just about everywhere. I feel like I'm way overextended, and have spent energy I didn't really have in the first place - physically and emotionally.

School has been a rough adjustment - the work isn't harder, the kids aren't smarter, there's just more of both.
Finals blow.

My grandmother moving in has also been an adjustment. Plus my sister's having the usual issues adjusting to being a high school freshman, along with her friend's issues. My brother's developing behavioural and focus problems. My dad might lose/leave his job. My mom is desperately trying to hold everything together. I'm trying to help.

Emotionally, I'm still kind of caught between J and Karma. I love both of them, and want to provide all I can for both of them. Both of them still occasionally challenge that love, and ask if I wouldn't just rather be with the other guy. There's still tension there. Mohegan really hates J, and I can sort of see why. If you don't know, he's hard to like. I know him better than anyone, though, and I love him. J and Karma aren't fighting, but they aren't friends anymore. Karma drinks, J doesn't, and neither of them partakes in what the other does. They have nothing in common now except me, and I am really bad ground to have in common. Neither of them trusts the other.
They're both going through either drama or big changes. J is leaving for another state after the holidays, and in spite of what he says, I don't think he's coming back. He has nothing here but me, and I've put him through hell.

My ex, A, who's gotten back in touch, is going through some rough stuff at home and at school.

I'm possibly a little bit OCD - mess and disorganization really, really stress me out. Since the house is full, and there's construction, that nerve has been pretty raw. I'm also an insomniac, and have had several weeks recently in which I got less than two hours of sleep a night.

Five years ago, I was raped, and this past year, a nasty encounter with D brought all that baggage back with a vengeance. Anxiety attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, and a feeling of helplessness have been fueling depression, and there's only so much a prescription can do for that. It's hard being close to guys, and intimacy just doesn't happen.
Emotionally, I feel like I'm shutting down. J, A, and Karma have all told me I've been distant, been pushing them away, been closed off, withdrawn, whatever.
Mohegan once challenged me, and told me that while what happened to me was horrible, I was letting it shape me, and that I should pull my big girl panties on and move on.




For the last seven years or so, I've bounced from one "relationship" to another. All the boys were younger than me, and less strong-willed than me. When push came to shove, I was perfectly safe. Emotionally, they couldn't challenge me. I mistook that safety for love, and ended up in relationships that weren't based on anything other than a general comfort and fondness. Every one of them was a nice boy with a spine weaker than spun sugar.
The first deviation from that pattern was the guy who hurt me. The next was Karma, four years later.

Needless to say, I haven't had a single normal, healthy relationship before Karma, so I went in blind, in the worst way. I got involved with him because I was lonely, felt comfortable, and thought I was prepared to take control of my sex life again. (read: have a sex life) We ended up failing at our one night stand and falling in love.
He's been amazing in so many ways.

But I feel like right now, I need to stand on my own two feet for once, and face some of the issues that I haven't been able to deal with.
I've been 'someone's girlfriend' for years, and since the previous relationships had so little meaning, I didn't have a foundation on which to base my needs and rules. Because of that, I haven't really come up with what my rules in a relationship are, and I really can't articulate a lot of my needs. When something hurts, my first instinct is to try to hide it (rather than show weakness) and handle it myself.
I know, given the opportunity, I'll use Karma as a crutch, and won't actually face the stuff I need to. I know I'll keep hiding. I also know that our relationship can't progress when my seemingly unavoidable defense mechanism is to shut down and find myself completely unable to communicate. It's not that Karma or J aren't listening, it's that I'm suddenly from another world and we don't speak the same language. I can't even answer simple questions. "What do you want of me?" or "What do you need from me?" make me lock up and my brain goes blank.
I don't trust myself to say when I need help, or when I need to stop, or when I need space.

I also have some major self-esteem issues to get over. I don't see myself as beautiful, brave, or strong. People keep telling me I am, and I almost feel guilty because I feel like they're wrong. I don't see why they love me, and it makes it hard to trust love, in some ways.

I need time to get my head on straight. I need time to put myself first, and stop agonizing over other people's problems that I can't fix. I need to finally face the parts of me I can't stand, and learn to love them. I need to feel like I'm not a walking disaster. I need to feel like I can take care of myself, so there's some meaning to it when I allow someone else to take care of me, rather than this feeling that I must be a constant burden. I need time to define what I need in a relationship and what I'm willing to give. I need to learn how to get past the 'shutting down' thing.

I need to believe I'm strong enough to be my own woman.

People are always getting angry with me for not standing up to this person, or facing down that one, and for not just putting my foot down, and demanding what I need, or for failing to make up my mind about a hard decision because it'll hurt someone's feelings and I don't want to cause anyone pain. People give me so much shit for not lashing out to defend myself, and for not just biting the bullet and making a tough call that's going to result in hurt all around no matter which way it goes. My sincerity is challenged because people see my indecision as weakness or insincerity. People question my courage and my morals when I'm paralyzed by unfair choices.

So I'm changing tactics.
I don't know if it's for the better, but I don't know what else to do. So I'm gonna do this, and go all the way on my own.

[SNeacail]

Men like things they can fix. Let them feel useful, even if its something as simple as having someone put gas in your car so you can study. Sometimes having someone help you out with the simple things can make a big difference, just because it is one less thing to worry about. Using the resources at your disposal to relieve some stress from yourself does not make you weak, it puts you in a better place to concentrate on the stuff only you can deal with.

Ask any married man and they will vent frustration about why his wife even bothers to ask his opinion when she is just going to do the opposite anyway. Part of this is just that sometime it helps to talk something out with another person and knowing someone else is there for you just in case.

Don't shut out the ones you love, but involve them in the process. They may be able to see things you are too close to see.

Sending positive thoughts!

[Karma]

You have never been a burden to me. Please don't ever feel that way.

I love you. Love is never a burden.

[Breathesgirl]

Cricket: for years my dad would put gas in my Mom's car. He did it out of love for her. When we're out together Breathes will put gas in the car.

Don't let your independent streak get in the way of receiving help, which is freely offered, with something which is easily delegated.

You have had a LOT of things going on in your life lately. All of them HUGE changes! Go easy on yourself. Take the coming Christmas break, leave ALL work at home, & give yourself a mini holiday some where fun (Karma's maybe? grin (I'm drawing a blank here. I can't remember if over nights are allowed.)) for a few days.

You'll be totally amazed at how differently you will look at things once you've had a chance to relax and sleep!

Sleep deprivation does strange things to a person. I can relate a wee bit. I turn into the Queen Bitch when I get less than four hours of sleep & six being minimum required to function!

[Cricket]

I typed up a huge update last night, and didn't actually post it. My distracted mind is not super functional, lately. I just shut the damn laptop and killed the whole thing.

I've been journaling a lot, and I realized today it's a LOT harder than it used to be. I used to be able to simply write down what I was feeling and thinking, and then go back later and think more about it as I read it again. Now I'm weighing every word, as if I have an audience who I might confuse, and worrying that I'll write something down that's only true at the time, and I'll change my mind, or my feelings will shift, and suddenly the information will be incorrect again. I can't get that stream of consciousness going as easily anymore.

I'm also trying to write out rules and needs in relationships, and ways to communicate my needs and fears. It's not that I lack sufficient vocabulary to tell people what's on my mind - I'm hobbled by weird baggage about hurting people's feelings.
That's why it was so hard to talk out why I felt like I needed a break with Karma. I sat and stewed about it for awhile first, because it's unfair to him. Nevermind that I was quickly nearing a point where it was bad for me to continue, it was unfair to him.
It's not that I crave martyrdom, or anything, I just really hate being the bad guy. I hate telling people things they don't want to hear. I hate being the one to end a relationship of any kind. I hate being the one to leave. I have a very hard time saying or doing things that will hurt feelings if it's only for my sake. It's a mix of a weird guilt complex and a weird vaguely political feel that interactions in my family tend to take.
Because of that, I often end up feeling really guilty and like I'm being mean if I try to impose rules on a relationship - even simple ones that are kind of a given.

As far as needs and rules, this is all I've got:

1.) I need to feel safe. Unfortunately, a lot of times, this isn't based very much on my partner, but on day to day emotional and psychological shifts, the environment, people around us, etc. But I need to feel like I am physically safe.

2.) I need to trust my partner. I need to believe that he really did just spend a night out with the guys. I worry a lot about being cheated on. I also need to trust that if I tell him to stop in bed, he will, no questions, no arguments.

There's a lot more in my head, but I can't really articulate it.

I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Mohegan and Karma. It made me smile. It made me miss them both a lot.

Karma and J are butting heads again. Karma feels like J's kind of stealing me, I guess.
J is my best friend. I have precious few of them, and he's the only one who's nearby. He's learned to read me very well, and he's gotten a lot better at not letting me hide from my issues.
He and I have spent a lot of time together lately, as much because I don't have anyone else to hang with as because I want to be with him.

On some level, I feel like if Karma figured out how much time he spends with other friends, and then compared it to how much time I spend with J, they'd be pretty much the same. He goes to hang out with six different people, I just chill with the one.
A lot of times, J and I don't talk about the hard emotional shit. We just chill, bullshit, smoke, watch tv, whatever. But sometimes, we sit down and have long, often painful conversations about who I am as a person, what I'm ok with, what I need to change for my own good, and what I need to change to become a better partner.
He's gotten pretty good at knowing when to tell me something I don't want to hear, or when to leave me to figure out something on my own and be there for me to cry on his shoulder when I come to an unpleasant realization.

J is really, really hurt by Karma's anger. He's tried really hard to reach out to Karma and be friends again. Now that J doesn't drink, he and Karma don't have much at all in common - except for me. I apparently don't make very good common ground.
I've been told time after time that something would have broken up their friendship, and that it's not really my fault, but I do still blame myself, to a degree. I wish they could laugh and joke and chill the way they used to. I didn't mean to push them to make up, but I guess I kinda did.
I dunno.

Started out yesterday morning with an inexplicable near-panic-attack. Like, a hug had me hyperventilating and trying not to punch J. No clue what triggered it. I don't even remember having nightmares the night before.
The day was full of meh.
Got horribly sick last night. Spent much of the wee hours of the morning on the bathroom floor.
Fuck yesterday. Possibly today too, just for good measure. Still feel pretty awful.

[Mohegan]

Now that J doesn't drink, he and Karma don't have much at all in common

I think you put too much on the drinking thing. Drinking isn't something to really have in common. I have plenty of friends of do other things I don't. I don't not hang out with them. I just avoid what they are doing.

Karma doesn't really drink all that much anyway.

J did a lot of cruel things to a lot of people. That's a hard thing to forgive and see past. It takes time to prove that changes have been made.

The distance between Karma and J has a lot more to do with J and his actions and a lot less to do with Karma and the fact that he drinks.

Karma cares deeply for you and doesn't want to see you hurt.

[Cricket]

It's not that I think they have nothing in common, and it's not that I think J has done nothing wrong.

They both did things that really hurt the other, and I can see both sides. Both felt pretty betrayed once they got done trying to tear each other up.

J has tried to apologize and tried to make a lot of huge, positive changes in his life. He's upset that people aren't willing to accept that he's actually making changes in his life for the better. I know how that feels, and lemme tell you, it sucks.

Karma expressed to me that he feels like he has nothing to do with J anymore because they don't drink together anymore - it's the only reason (aside from aforementioned issues) that I've really heard otherwise.

I know it's a little naive, but I want everyone to be friends again.
Now I'm feeling like I pushed too hard to get them both to quit fighting over things that are done and over, and move on.
It's just really hard to be patient about them forgiving each other when I'm still sitting in the middle of it.

[Karma]

Blunt honesty here - I suck at forgiveness. Period.

Can I see that he's trying to make changes in his life for the good? Yes, I can. I wouldn't defend him to other people if I didn't.

Can I forget that he has, among other things, tried to destroy my marriage and also lied/manipulated things to try to convince me that you didn;t want to see me anymore? No. I realize that may not be fair, but that's how it is. Whether his new changes in his life warrant it or not, I still can't bring myself to trust him completely.

That may change in time. Honestly, I'd like it to. But I'm not too sure how to get myself to that point right now.

[Cricket]

I've been so busy being sick that I haven't had time to post much.
I'm most of the way out of the woods, though. I've had two viruses in as many weeks, and still have lingering feelings of ick.

The journaling has kind of gone on hold in the meantime.

A random observation I'd like to make note of before I forget: I'm apparently highly protective of Mohegan.

Obviously, I'm defensive of Karma. I'm furious at them for turning on him the way they did. It didn't occur to me that I would be equally furious for how they treated Mohegan. I don't usually get protective of chick-friends so fast.

I'm furious at Panda and Mr. Panda for the fight going on between the two of them, and it's hard for me not to get involved.

But this is SO not my fight, and not really even my business. I don't do Darkon - the closest I get is being camp mom for J's unit. I don't go out to events, I don't do politics, I don't fight.
So how Mr. Panda could blame me for the slow, lingering death of his country is kind of beyond me. It caught the drama-plague WELL before I ever got there.

[Mohegan]

Awww thanks. I think I woke up the neighbors yelling when I heard Karmas end of the phone call.

"What the FUCK does Cricket have to do with this? What role, other than waking us up to the fail that our marriage was becoming, did she have? Cuz I'm pretty sure you and I being on better terms, helped the country." And I went from there.

Just another one of those things that snuck up on us I guess :)

[Karma]

That is just amazing.

I love you both so much right now, I have an ear-to-ear grin.

[Cricket]

Been super agitated the last couple days.

I had wanted to go spend the weekend at J's, mostly so I could have a Grandma-free couple days. Then stuff started fucking exploding in two towns near him, and it took them awhile to confirm that it was, in fact, not a terrorist act, really, it was some asshat who's upset at Big Brother.
J was also fighting with his dad, and I was genuinely afraid I'd be visiting him in jail later for putting his dad through a table or something.

So instead, we stayed at my place. All fine and good, usually.

But I really, really need some peace and quiet. I want to be left the fuck alone. Grandma Ginny can't be in a room with someone and not talk or bitch at them. She just can't.
I understand that after 20 years living alone, loneliness makes it hard to not engage people in conversation every chance you get, but if I wanted to be a part of that conversation, I wouldn't be playing WoW with my headphones on and the sound turned all the way up, so I can better hear the dying screams of gnomes and elves. Similarly, if I wanted you in my conversation, I wouldn't have started one with someone else, on a topic you know nothing about, so that I could stop mid-sentence every couple minutes to try to explain to you what I was telling someone else who's not you.
If I wanted to talk to you, I would. I try, sometimes, but it's hard, because we don't operate in the same worlds.

Mom is leaving town, and that always leaves a curious power vaccuum that Grandma will half-attempt to fill.

Now, I don't usually go on power trips, but I have one hard and fast rule:

If the matriarch of my household is gone, you either fill her role completely and act like a responsible adult, or you get the fuck out of the way so I can.

This week is going to suck.
However, Daddy is at wit's end with stress and worry due to work and construction, and with my brother and sister in school, there need to be two adults. There will need to be grocery trips, and rides to cello and piano lessons and playdates, and all that jazz.

Odds are good I'm gonna learn to drive my grandma's broke-ass truck this week. She and I went to pick up my sister the other day, and I was genuinely uncertain as to whether or not I was going to survive the ten minute drive.
She's too fucking old to drive, but is desperately clinging to this illusion of independence, and we're working our way gradually towards telling her that she just can't do it anymore.

This'll be fun like cancer.

[Cricket]

I suck at balancing time. Always have.
I have very few friends. This has been true for a long time. I'm trying to change it.

Those two things mean that I'm trying to make more friends, spend time with them, and not double-book myself every Saturday night.

Before I met Karma, I went to school, and I came home and helped around the house, did my homework, and spent hours online, or in a book. I really only have a handful of friends, and most of them have moved pretty far away from me. A lives in another state, M lives miles away and her mother hates me. I chat with people from school on occasion, but much of the last five or six years of my life has been characterized by profound loneliness. Once every month or two M would come over for a weekend. Every two or three years, I'd see A. Sometimes I'd go out somewhere with kids from school. I rarely did it twice.

After I met Karma, I started spending any time I could free up with him.

When Karma and I got involved, I started spending obscenely late hours with him any time I could. I stayed out way too late on school nights, and regularly sacrificed projects and homework time just to see him for a couple of hours.

I have responsibilities at home that mean I don't actually have an overwhelming amount of free time in my life. Last year, he got more of my time than I had to give.

He's mad at me right now, because lately, almost every time he's wanted to see me, I've been hanging out with friends. He wants to spend time with me, alone.

On one hand I feel guilty for making him feel like I don't want to be around him, or spend time with just him.

On the other hand, I'm hurt that he doesn't realize how much I've sacrificed in the past to chase him. I've lost several friends over him - including my best friend M, because her mother found out about him. A lot of people respect me less because I chose to pursue him. I'm hurt that he can't find it in himself to be patient while I try to find time for everyone, when he got the benefit of almost all of my free time for a long, long time.
Much of the last year, I blew off almost everybody except him, because he only ever seemed to be free at obscenely late hours of the night, and I wanted to see him.
I would promise J that I'd spend an afternoon with him, then end up canceling to go see Brett, or inviting both of them over, so I could keep both promises. A stopped hearing from me. M and I gave up.

I'll also add, here, that since I was a secret at first, there were a lot of nights he'd promise to come get me, and I'd sneak out of the house and sit in the cold for hours, waiting. I should have been sleeping, or finishing homework. But every time the phone rang, I dropped everything I was doing. More than half the time, he'd never come, and he'd never call.
I try not to hold grudges, especially with loved ones, but I feel like a lot of the time he hasn't respected MY time, and how much of it I've given him.

I've been trying to identify things that fuel my depression, and loneliness is a huge one.
So I've been trying to make friends. I've been trying to go out and do things, trying to be social again.

It's been really helping.

But it's also been an adjustment - I'm used to only really having J and Karma to hang out with. I'm not very good at making sure everyone gets time, because my free time is sporadic at best.

Things at home are rough. My parents are both doing a lot of overtime at home, bringing work home, etc. My grandma's requiring more supervision. The house is still under construction.

Usually, I invite people over, so I can both have company and be there for my family if they need anything.
My family all find Karma disrespectful and rude, and don't want him over. They can't stand how he talks to them or to me.
In the interest of avoiding conflict, I've stopped inviting him over. That really kind of limits the time I can spend with him. I've been waiting to find time to go hang out with him at his place, while also being around for my family.
It's really, really hard to do both, and it really hurts me that he doesn't see how much I'm trying to make EVERYONE happy - for once, myself included.

I feel like I've asked for precious little from him - I just need time to work shit out. The changes that go along with that mean that I have to learn new ways of dividing time so everyone gets to chill, and everyone gets the support and help and downtime they need.

Does anyone have advice for how to free up time, or balance it better?

Do schedules help?
Like, J gets Monday through Wednesday evenings, and Karma gets Thursday through Saturday evenings, and Sunday is for other friends or something?

What do I do when I start school again?

My last year of high school was full of nights out until six in the morning, a cup of coffee on my way out the door, and zeroes on assignments. It is a fucking marvel I didn't have a complete breakdown, or fail my senior year of high school. He'd tell me he'd come see me, I'd sit and wait for hours, and he'd never show, and not call. Or I'd stay out with him all night, because the time he could spare for me was so precious and so very, very little. I CHOSE to spend my time with him. I chose to spend time I didn't have to spare with him. I felt like it was worth it at the time. Now I just feel hurt.
I feel like I've been super patient and forgiving with him and the troubles he's had managing time - don't I deserve the same patience?

I feel really hurt, and really confused. I can manage time just fine with school and work, but not my social life. I don't get why. Maybe it's because I'm not used to having one.

I'm kind of at a loss. What do I do?

I want to spend time with friends, I want to make new friends, I want to hang out with the old ones. I'm really really prone to accidentally promising two or three people time in the same weekend. The solution has generally been to hang out with all of them - not ideal, I know, but I like telling people "Umm...I promised to hang out with someone else..." even less.

Just...Ugh.

[SNeacail]

Scheduling can help. It may change from month to month, but keep everyone informed and they won't think you are trying to avoid them.

We have two kids and we HAVE to schedule. Everyone knows that we are not free on Mondays unless they want to show up at a Boy Scout meeting. During football season, I just flat tell everyone, MWTh I will be at the football field and you are welcome to come visit me there. Saturday's are game days and since I'm on the field, I won't even answer my phone or return texts.

Believe it or not, it makes things easier on everyone, because they know ahead of time that there are certain days or times I'm not available, they don't keep trying to meet up on those days and they don't think I'm just being difficult and avoiding them. It will also make things easier on you, because you won't feel so preasured to please everyone and know you can't.

[Mohegan]

I've promised Karma to stay out of things. So I will. But am wondering why a schedule seems like such foreign idea to you. You guys had one before and it seemed to work. Karma and J both support that school needs to come first. So I am not seeing why this is such an issue. It's not like Karma doesn't want to hang out with you while with other people, he just doesn't want that to be the only time he gets to see you. After going 3 weeks without seeing each other, I can understand his frustration that the first time he did get to see you it was with a mass amount of people and he didn't really get any you time. I don't think that was a disrespect of your time at all.

Karma is going to be in school too, and working (hopefully), time together is something you'll both have to work on. But I don't see anything wrong with the fact the you spent a ton of time with J while we were in Ohio and all Karma wanted was a few hours of your time. I don't see how that is not being patient.

Maybe a schedule is the only way you can manage your time. Set aside these days for school work, these days for Karma time, these days for J time.

I'll leave it at that.

[MonoVCPHG]

Google Calendar.

[Cricket]

I've never been good at sticking to schedules. I'm too sporadic for that. I like just arbitrarily deciding to go out and do something, or whatever.

I also remember having a difficult time making sure everyone's time lined up right when we had multiple school schedules to consider. I'm used to hitting up J or Karma whenever homework's not too bad, which is unfortunately not a real concrete window of time.
It's not so much that schedules are foreign to me as that I'm used to not having much luck making them really work.

Of course, my goal for this year is to work on new habits. So I guess this is another to add to the list. :)

[SNeacail]

Schedules can be flexible. In fact it's probably not a great idea to pack it so tight there is no wiggle room, because something will always throw a monkey wrench in there somewhere. When we are young, we schedule our responsibilities, but as we get older, our responsibilies rule us and we have to schedule our fun time or loose our sanity.

[nycindie]

When Karma and I got involved, I started spending obscenely late hours with him any time I could. I stayed out way too late on school nights, and regularly sacrificed projects and homework time just to see him for a couple of hours.

I have responsibilities at home that mean I don't actually have an overwhelming amount of free time in my life. Last year, he got more of my time than I had to give.

. . . I'm hurt that he doesn't realize how much I've sacrificed in the past to chase him. I've lost several friends over him - including my best friend M, because her mother found out about him. A lot of people respect me less because I chose to pursue him. I'm hurt that he can't find it in himself to be patient while I try to find time for everyone, when he got the benefit of almost all of my free time for a long, long time.

Much of the last year, I blew off almost everybody except him, because he only ever seemed to be free at obscenely late hours of the night, and I wanted to see him.

. . . there were a lot of nights he'd promise to come get me, and I'd sneak out of the house and sit in the cold for hours, waiting. I should have been sleeping, or finishing homework. But every time the phone rang, I dropped everything I was doing. More than half the time, he'd never come, and he'd never call.

. . . I feel like a lot of the time he hasn't respected MY time, and how much of it I've given him.

. . . Does anyone have advice for how to free up time, or balance it better?

Do schedules help?

. . . My last year of high school was full of nights out until six in the morning, a cup of coffee on my way out the door, and zeroes on assignments. It is a fucking marvel I didn't have a complete breakdown, or fail my senior year of high school. He'd tell me he'd come see me, I'd sit and wait for hours, and he'd never show, and not call. Or I'd stay out with him all night, because the time he could spare for me was so precious and so very, very little. I CHOSE to spend my time with him. I chose to spend time I didn't have to spare with him. I felt like it was worth it at the time. Now I just feel hurt.
I feel like I've been super patient and forgiving with him and the troubles he's had managing time - don't I deserve the same patience?

. . . I want to spend time with friends, I want to make new friends, I want to hang out with the old ones.
Cricket, I have been thinking of you ever since you posted this. What you're going through has resonated very strongly within me because this is something I can relate to a great deal. You are struggling with issues that are deeper than just scheduling and organizing your life. It's about making yourself and your life goals your top priority.

I know far too well that feeling you have when you make a choice to do something or be with someone, at your own expense. You sacrifice time and effort that could have gone into schoolwork or maintaining friendships, something that benefits and nurtures you, or that you are passionate about -- to spend time with someone you love. And even though it seems to those on the outside that you made that choice willingly and happily, because you're smiling at the attention you're getting from the person you chose to be with, on the inside you know you didn't honor yourself. A nagging voice in your head constantly reminds you that you gave up something important, to go somewhere or be with someone simply to assuage your loneliness. No one else knows how much it eats at you, because you don't let it show. It's a drug you indulge in, but the high doesn't last long. That's okay, you tell yourself. You keep making that choice because, although temporary, it feels good to get the instant gratification of a lover's attentions rather than face loneliness or feelings of inadequacy, or other unpleasant things like responsibility. I have trouble with this as well. It's like always going for the dessert without eating a nutritious meal first. You know it's sweet and gives you a high, but you're still left empty because you didn't follow through on a commitment you made to yourself, such as doing well in school and being there for your family and friends.

This is something my therapist is trying to get me to see myself now, and I am probably more than twice your age, so I commend you for looking at this stuff now while you're young. It isn't easy when we just want to satisfy a craving. Anyone would much rather float off in the euphoria of having a lover in the middle of the night to be with us, put their arms around us, make love, rather than do the hard work we need to do -- and feel how alone we truly are while we are doing it. But committing to yourself and following through on that commitment is how to feel satisfied, satiated, and well in ourselves. Doing all that grown-up stuff that isn't as easy or fun -- do you know what I mean? The struggle you're facing (and me, too) is about growing up, and it seems like it sucks, but it will bring you more peace and happiness if you learn to create boundaries that allow you to be at the center of your life, feeling whole, and to honor the commitments you make to yourself.

Relationships are icing on the cake, you are the cake. You need to give yourself all the ingredients to make that cake firm and buoyant enough to accept the icing, which makes things sweeter. Ingredients like self-esteem, self-love, acceptance, inner peace, feeling accomplished, completing tasks, and acknowledging and honoring who you are. Getting that college degree and knowing you did all you could to succeed. How do you do this? I keep reminding myself this: to gain self-esteem, do esteemable things. Is it esteemable to put others' needs before my own? Is it esteemable to go back on my own word to myself, and to abandon my own emotional nourishment to keep someone else happy? Does this all mean I have to be selfish? Sometimes. Maybe a lot of times. It doesn't mean I can't be there for other people either, but I have to be there for myself first, just like on an airplane when they give you the safety lecture and tell people, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put one on a child." How can you take care of your needs and wants and passions (be your own parent) if you are giving away your power and giving up on yourself?

So, all of this is to say that when you make a schedule for yourself, remember who is at the center of it -- YOU! If you need to succeed in school, have friends in your life, deal with family, and do things that nurture your well-being, those are the priorities in your schedule. Take care of YOU first. And then if Karma or anyone else wants to be with you, they need to adjust their schedules to fit into your life. You shouldn't be twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate everyone. And if you can't see each other as often, so be it. This is your life you are living and it's not the end of the world to have some distance as long as you are taking care of the things that are important to you, that feed your soul, and nourish your spirit. I'm sure you have already learned that blowing off school and waiting by the side of the road in the middle of the night to get some attention from someone doesn't do that for you. And, besides all that, you'll be a heck of a lot more fun to be around if you are truly happy, standing firm in your own convictions, and proud of yourself for pulling through and accomplishing difficult things, instead of feeling fragmented and frazzled from trying to please everyone else all the time.

You can do this. You are stronger and braver than you know. Listen to that small voice inside you that knows what's truly important. Don't give in to the drug of avoidance - it's okay to feel alone, all of us humans are alone, ultimately. But somewhere inside you, you can also find your own strength and you'll be all right. I wish you the best.

[LovingRadiance]

Cricket,

I've been dealing with this topic a lot in my life recently. The last 5-6 posts in my blog are related to it.

It might be something you can find some usefulness in reading...

Hugs!

[Cricket]

Thank you so much for the advice - all of you! :)

[LovingRadiance]

hugs,

aren't we all struggling through some lesson or another?

time management is a bitch (seriously).

We have a household of 10.
3 adults with jobss- all different schedules!!
1 adult prego-dr appts weekly & lamaze classes & major social life.
1 adult (me) stay at home mom.
1 adult-here part time, no job + court battle.

1 kid in public school + weekly counseling.
1 kid homeschool + monthly medical + swimming class.
1 kid preschool age + swimming class.
1 kid homeschool-only here part time + 2 weekly medical + swimming + 1 monthly counseling + court battle.

Trying to coordinate anything together is damn near to impossible. Planning when we were doing Christmas was a NIGHTMARE.

Try to remind yourself of the little steps that you take which work in any given day/hour/moment.

Sneacail wrote to me on my blog and said it was something like a couple taking a road trip when the wife is pregnant.

The man see's "where they are going" as the goal, he's "final destination minded".
But the wife see's each possible bathroom stop as the goal, she's "small step minded".

Try to remind yourself of the small steps that are progressive. Then give yourself (and loved ones who make small steps too) a pat on the back.

:)

[Karma]

Homework dates ;)

[Jade]

Thanks, LR, for sharing the blog link.:)

[LovingRadiance]

It's in my signature. ;) Might make yourself sick if you read all of the back posts, unless you like horror stories.
:eek:

[Morningglory629]

Ah! They aren't all bad LR! One hell of tale you are telling though! Love to ya! Been kind of MIA on here. So freakin busy in the real world.
Hi Cricket and Karma and my dear friend Mohegan! Happy 2011 to you all!:)

[Cricket]

I can't wait until the basement's finished, so Grams has her own space. I NEED some peace and quiet, or I'm going to have to kill someone. :mad:

A whole fucking MONTH at home, with no homework, should be a blessing - not a curse!

[Cricket]

I have hit a really weird, and really really painful place.
I think I'm losing my goddamn mind.

I have always considered myself a pretty forgiving person. Like, I've forgiven a lot of shit that I should NOT have, and have certainly not taken time to be angry before forgiving. After having been hurt by my X, I started not only tolerating, but forgiving anything and everything - I still loved, and even forgave the guy who had been hurting me.

Except apparently I haven't.

Everything is still there.

It's like I was cleaning house in my head, and in the process, I found this huge room in the basement that I never new was there, and it's just full of ugly.

Suddenly, instead of hiding in this weird sense of obligatory mercy, I'm angry at EVERYONE for EVERYTHING. Everything hurts like it happened yesterday. Everything is an attack that I'm not willing to tolerate anymore.

I'm still furious and heartbroken with Karma for everything in our relationship that has ever hurt me. I'm mad at J, at Mohegan, at my family, at some kid from the third grade whose name I don't remember....
It's ridiculous.

I've always had a relatively short fuse, but I never burn for long at all. Usually, I'm livid for a couple hours, tops. Then I've forgiven and forgotten, and moved on with my life.
Except not.

I feel like everyone is out to hurt me, and for once, I'm not in the mood to hide from them, or negotiate, I'm in the mood to set them all on fire and beat them with a brick. I could cut ties with everyone I know, and leave town, and I don't think I'd regret it until tomorrow.
I even nearly snapped at A, and I'm never, ever mad at her. She's never done anything to hurt me, but when she txted to see if I could hang out, I just about tore her a new one, for no fucking reason.

Right now, I'm mad at Mohegan because I feel like I'm being blamed for hurting their marriage. On some level, my brain knows this is illogical. They've both told me pretty clearly that their marriage is fine.
But right now, I feel like I've tolerated a shit ton of blame and harsh words, and I'm not in the mood to take it anymore. I know it's not logical, I know it's not accurate, but I haven't felt an anger this potent in a long, long time.
I don't want to cost her a place to vent. I've been considering leaving the forum on and off for a good long while, because this is where Mohegan goes to get stuff off her chest, and I don't want to take that from her. I don't want her to censor herself when she's letting it all out, and I don't want to rob her of the advice she gets here.
Reading here has been helpful and hurtful to me in roughly equal measures, so I don't want to lose the support base, but I don't want to take it from her either.
I'm thinking about taking a hiatus, at the very least.

Right now, I don't trust Karma because of all the promises he broke at the beginning of our relationship, and all the times I've heard people telling me he was hanging around other chicks. I don't trust him because our relationship started out with me being the other woman.
I realize this is unfair and he can't do anything about it, and right now I don't give a shit.

This upsets me, because I try really hard to be fair and forgiving. I'm a Libra in the worst way. It upsets me more because I'm lashing out at the people I love over things that can't be changed, and hurts that are too far into the past to be mended. I really, really hate this. I don't like hurting anyone, and right now, I'm turning this rage-fueled venom on everyone.

So naturally, my response is to push people away so I don't hurt them further.
Except that hurts too.

Fuck all of this. With a chainsaw.

[LovingRadiance]

Well...

This probably won't help, but...

I understand.

I really do understand.

It does suck to think that you've put something behind you and then have a moment when all of a sudden everything you ever thought you put behind you was smacking you in the face.
To boot, feeling like you don't "belong" anywhere and not being sure you even want to.

Been there, might actually still be there... :rolleyes: But I've been there.

I'm sorry you're struggling through this stuff Cricket. I don't have much else to say that would be better, but I'm sorry.

[SNeacail]

I've always had a relatively short fuse, but I never burn for long at all. Usually, I'm livid for a couple hours, tops. Then I've forgiven and forgotten, and moved on with my life.
Except not.

I do this. I get raging angry for a few hours, then once I calm down and normal life resumes all the issues that caused the anger are just pushed aside until the next time it comes up, then the hurt is back twice as bad. My husband always accused me of not forgiving him, because I always remembered the last time he hurt me. The biggest problem was always that the real issue was never fully addressed, he just waited until I was "back to normal" and life went on. So there was no true forgiveness because the issue was never delt with and he never asked to be forgiven or I never told him (while rational) what the true issue was.

If I remember correctly, you are in the middle of construction at your house, you are stuck dealing with a sick crankly old woman, as well as school. Trust me on this, living through construction is enough to make anyone cranky and irrational, add the other factors it's really not all that unexpected. You need a vacation away from home for a few days with your best girlfriend.

[nycindie]

Cricket, this is the stuff that backbone is made of.

A stronger, more stable you will emerge from all the conflict and unrest. You are getting to know yourself better and railing against the slights and injustices you have perpetrated against yourself and allowed others to perpetrate against you. Change is the only absolute in life, so embrace it.

Know that old issues and hurts never really go away. They live inside us, and we just revisit them all our lives from a newer and deeper perspective. I hate to come off sounding like an old person, but eventually you will be able to look at this crap with more objectivity and be able to say, "Huh. So that's why I do that. Oh. Makes sense that I am this way. Hmm." But until you reach that point, it seems to feel like it did when you first were hurt. In actuality, you are wiser and older and have more understanding of yourself than you did before. Perhaps you are allowing yourself to feel it all now because you are more ready to handle these emotions than you ever were before.

I urge you to keep posting. However, maybe you shouldn't read Mohegan's blog anymore. You have your process in standing up for yourself, she has hers for whatever she needs. You are an individual and deserve your place in the world, on your terms. Don't let anyone else's expectations get you down. Use your anger as a stimulus to create a life you want, but don't let it turn to bitterness. Be kind and loving to yourself. Hang in there, you're doing fine, even though it's uncomfortable. Really.

[Cricket]

Actually, it's really nice and really helpful to know someone else has been there - I feel a little less crazy.

On some level I know that this is just an emotional growing pain - but that knowledge is currently all but drowned out by the pain itself.

Thank you all.

[Karma]

Remember that as much as this sucks, it is a HUGE sign of progress. Massive.

I know it sucks, but don't blame yourself for the anger - you've kinda backlogged a big debt of it, and you're paying it all back right now.

You can be mad. It's NORMAL. I don't hold that against you, so don't hold it against yourself.

[LovingRadiance]

Believe me darling-you aren't crazy (or if you are, there are a LOT of us). It's one of the burdens of growth, we have to see our "badsides". Go figure.

But, you can do it. There's a SHITLOAD going on in your life right now, give yourself permission to feel the emotions that go with that!

[Cricket]

So, J smokes, as do most of our other friends.
My little brother worships the ground those boys walk on, and wants to be just like then, so J has gone out of his way to tell my brother in no uncertain terms just how bad for him smoking has been. We do NOT want my bro thinking smoking is "cool."

He's told my brother about the cases of pneumonia or bronchitis it's caused, how he coughs up black stuff on rough winter mornings, all that jazz.

My grandmother told my brother that J was lying, and it's not that bad.

This is extremely fucked up for so many reasons.

The first reason it's fucked up is that she truly believes it. In her world, there is no room for us to be right, for smoking to be bad for her. She cannot accept it, therefore, she thinks we're all liars. She's chosen her reality over her family's word.

The second reason it's fucked up is that she just lied to a little boy, and actually almost encourages him to smoke. She's encouraging her own grandson to hurt himself, because she is so hell bent on denying the truth. She's chosen her dream world over her grandson's health.

The third reason it's fucked up is that a trusted elder family member just told him his idol lied to him. My little brother now has to choose whether to believe his grandmother, or the cool grown up guy who plays cards with him and teaches him to fight. He has to choose to doubt what one of them has said. She's chosen her delusions over her integrity.


Mom is going to sit down and talk with my brother. So is J, most likely. I'm going to sit down and have one hell of a talk with my Grandma.

I'm just so...at a loss. There've been a lot of other issues with Grandma lately, I'll post again later when I'm less livid.

[SNeacail]

Call the local hospital, tell them you are trying to keep your little brother from smoking and ask if there is someone who could physically show him the problems it causes and give him a tour of the lung cancer ward, etc. Have J take him.

[Cricket]

I'm having J's best friend cough up tar for him tomorrow. It'll be educational.

[Karma]

Jesus, do I need to come over and show him how 'good' smoking is? I will, in a heartbeat.

So not cool....

[LovingRadiance]

:eek:

That goes so far beyond fucked up.
OMG!

I can only imagine how livid you must be!

I know it's your brother, not your child.
But my brother was my "baby" til I had my first baby and I see how my older kids are with their younger siblings-as though they are their own personal responsibility.

What a f'd up thing to do to the poor kid!!!


Hugs to you for trying so hard.

[Cricket]

Just went with no power for about four days. J took pity on us and stayed, and kept two separate fires going the whole time so we wouldn't freeze.

Just got power back - SO grateful. Hot showers again!

[Cricket]

So, there's this thing going around on FaceBook - in several different forms, that says that the GOP is trying to pass a bill that would deny federal financial aid with abortions, except in the cases of potentially fatal health complications and "forcible" rape.

Here's the thing - the sites that are bitching about the bill claim that this means the definition of rape is being narrowed, so that the government only pays for abortions in the cases of "forcible" rape - which would exclude most cases of date rape, statutory rape, or incest.

Directionless anger.

I have it.

In spades.

Ordinarily I try to do my homework, but this time I was too outraged to take the time. None of the sites linked the bill, and there were several of them.
When I saw the first one going around, I thought "...No...That can't be right. Someone must have misread."
When I saw the second one go around, I wondered.
The third time was the charm, and I went ahead and reposted it.

Naturally, it started an argument, and now people are bitching at me for hating Republicans and for not knowing what I'm talking about.

But here's the thing - if those sites are right, and the government is now refusing to pay for most abortions, including those for victims of date rape, statutory rape, and incest, guess what group is gonna get hit hardest?
Girls who can't vote.

Statistically speaking, most rape victims are under 18. Statutory rape means definitely under 18. Incest is generally the same.
So this bill would be denying financial aid for abortions to victims of rape who are often in school rather than working, and who cannot vote against it.

I'm not okay with abortion. I don't think it's right.
I think if you fuck without a condom, and you get pregnant, you should step up to the goddamn plate and take care of your child. You took a foolish risk, and you should bear the consequences with as much dignity as you can.

However, there are cases when abortions are necessary for the health of all involved. If the mother has health issues that would make it dangerous for her to carry a child, then she should not be forced to. And in cases of rape - ANY kind - I think it is beyond unreasonable to expect a girl to raise that child. Could you look into the eyes of your rapist in your child's face, and tell them you loved them? Could you mean it?
Or could you give them up for adoption, knowing that the system is flawed and the child will very likely face the same abuse and rape you had?

I try not to fly off the handle and go on enormous rants, but this was a majorly raw button for me, and I'd seen it enough times that I went ahead and assumed that yet again, rape victims were being fucked over by the government.

I guess all that anger I've been trying to figure out what to do with finally found an outlet.

[SNeacail]

Breath...

You do have power to have your voice heard. Write to your Congressmen and your Senators, they will read it. They all have e-mail address listed on the government website (I'd send a hard copy letter also). There is a reason this government works, we can make our voices heard.

My personal opinion on our government is that the extremists and radicals on both sides are necessary (even if we don't agree with their opinion). They are the ones that are willing to bring issues to the forefront, which opens up debate. The opposing extremists counter the argument and eventually, everyone else negotiates a middle ground somewhere that most of us can live with. Then the cycle repeats itself.

[Cricket]

I've calmed down somewhat since my last post.
I've also done some homework. My understanding of this bill is as follows:

The GOP wants to make it so that neither public nor private healthcare providers can use taxpayer money to fund abortions. There are, of course, exceptions: 1.) if the mother has health complications that mean carrying the child would kill her 2.) forcible rape.

Those last two words are my BIGGEST (not my only) problem with it. "Forcible rape" is not defined by the vast majority of the United States. Those states that do define it do NOT include statutory rape, date rape, or incest in those vague definitions.

My previous understanding has not changed: This STILL means that not only will women who do not want to care for a child or who cannot care for a child be unable to have an abortion (unless they can pay out of pocket - and these days who can?) it also means that a group of already victimized girls is going to be forced to bear children that are the result of rape. Most of these girls cannot safely go to a parent or guardian because that's who raped them, or they're ashamed, or scared, or maybe don't even know who the father was.
What this bill means to victims is that if a girl is raped and impregnated, she has to leave it to the judgment of the government to determine whether there was sufficient battering involved for it to be "forcible" rape.

This is a SUPER raw nerve for me because it's been a rough couple weeks, and February is always hard for me because that's when I was hurt. Hearing that the Republicans are (to quote an admittedly biased article) "waging war against women" breaks my heart.

I'll be writing everyone I can get an address for - but the very fact that this bill was proposed shakes my faith to the core.

I see women's rights shrinking every day because a bunch of rich white men who have never and will never suffer the pain of childbirth have decided it's "wrong" for a woman to decide she can't raise a child.

This bill denies women the right to decide what happens to their bodies and their futures. It condemns anyone without enough money to pay out of pocket to the pain of childbirth, and the loss of many, many choices. Don't get me wrong - I am not "okay" with abortion. As far as I'm concerned, it is killing a baby. Don't pussyfoot around it and try to define when it's a fetus versus when it's a human. Don't sugar coat it. Don't alleviate your guilt with euphemisms like "pro life" and "pro choice." Own it. Say it. "Abortion."
What pro-life means to me is "I'm against a woman killing her baby so she can go to college." What pro-choice means to me is "I'm okay with a mother killing her baby because she couldn't feed it anyway."
Abortion is never a good choice. It is never okay. It is always killing a baby. However, none of the other options are better or more "right". You can raise the child, knowing you'll resent it, and probably not be able to provide for the child the way he or she deserves. You can give the child up for adoption, and hope he or she isn't abused, molested, raped, or neglected, knowing all the while that the odds of the system are not in your kid's favour. Or you can take the life of an unborn child whose only wrong doing was that a sperm just happened to make it all the way to the finish line.

Still, I'm suddenly a lot more "pro-choice" than I used to be.

[LovingRadiance]

I am right there with ya Cricket.
I don't "believe" that abortion is a good thing.
But-I've had two.
Right, wrong or otherwise-at those two times, I believed that bringing the baby into the world would be selfish of me (I would have LOVED the child, but my feelings weren't the point)so I did not do it.
Neither was due to "not using protection" issues. In both cases it was outside things that would have made carrying the child to term dangerous either to the child AND to my other children.


My first girlfriend was sexually abused by her father, had an abortion.

I don't know of anyone whose had a gov't funded abortion, but either way-making that last designation about the TYPE of rape is very disturbing...

[Cricket]

--hugs to LR--

I just can't wrap my head around the idea of a bunch of rich white men telling poor women that they have no choice but to bear children that they cannot take care of for reasons of either emotional or physical health.

Having been hurt, and having been terrified that at fifteen, I would have to drop out of high school to raise the child of a rapist, I am NOT ok with the idea that such an already vulnerable group of women is being denied rescue.

[Cricket]

"...Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven,
Whiles like a puffed and reckless libertine
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And recks not his own rede."
Hamlet (1.3:45-51)

I don't like that I identify with characters like Ophelia, and Anna Sergeyevna (If anyone's read "The Lady With the Dog")I shouldn't feel like that, but time and again, I find that I do.

Like Ophelia, I'm a little tired of being the one painted a sinner when I know full well I'm in good company. I'm a little tired of wondering how much of what I'm hearing is truth, and then being called a liar myself. I'm a little tired of being expected to be 100% honest when I know it'll hurt people's feelings while simultaneously being expected to hold together everyone's little lies and illusions.

Fuck this house of cards.

I'm not playing by someone else's arbitrary, deception-based rules. Maybe that makes me childish, but I feel like with the number of times I've endured jealous tantrums over nothing, I'm entitled to pitch a fucking fit myself.

After Karma and I broke it off so I could get my head straight, I feel like my sex life stopped being his business. When he challenged me, already angry and looking for a fight, demanding answers, I lied.
Yeah, I took the easy way out. Yeah, I did the wrong thing. I've owned up to it, admitted my wrongdoing, and apologized. I don't like lying. I wouldn't have done it if I thought my choice to fulfill my needs would be respected.

I've got too much on my plate to be much in the mood for compassion or guilt right now. I've seen too many people lie to my face and then turn around and preach at me to be particularly contrite. I'm done with double standards. Karma can step out on his wife with any young thing he finds at a club, but I can't (while single) explore a potential relationship without him talking shit about J in my ear the whole time? I don't want to make this into a huge thing of "he-said/she-said" but goddamn, it is hard not to feel like I'm getting fucked in the ass by rules that don't apply to everyone across the board.

I wonder if I'd still be dealing with this if everyone else's dirty laundry were out there on the line with mine? I'm trying *so* hard not to spill everyone's secrets just for spite and retribution.

[LovingRadiance]

Spite and retribution tend to bite us in our own ass.

BUT-I do understand quite well having the desire. ;)

I've been there too.

It's always hard when people don't see eye to eye. It's harder yet when people have something very important to them, and it doesn't happen to be important to someone else. It's like trying to mix oil and water.

Hugs

[nycindie]

Cricket,
Hold your head high. You don't owe anyone answers, or anything, especially to someone you broke up with. When someone confronts you in anger, sometimes lying is what you need to do to get away from that negative energy and preserve your well-being. Getting entangled in an angry argument sucks, so it's easy to understand wanting to avoid it and protect yourself, especially if you know continuing the conversation will be counter-productive and only add fuel to their anger. My ex's anger is so scary, I would do almost anything to not deal with it when he got that way. Everyone lies once in a while, and everyone lies to themselves all the time, no matter how much they say they lie an honest life.

The earth hasn't stopped turning. No need to let yourself get caught up in other people's dramas. Sometimes it's necessary to stop all contact indefinitely.

Focus on your life, school, getting to know yourself, and growing as an individual. I am always impressed by your maturity and insights. Don't take on his or their anger as your own. Go placidly amid the noise and haste. (http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html)

[Cricket]

There are two sides to every story.

In the interest of not continuing an already relatively ugly fight, I will not be posting mine here, at least for awhile.

I want to thank you all for your support and advice, and wish you well on your journeys! If you wish to remain in contact, feel free to send me a private message, and we'll figure out another way. :)

I'll remember the good times with gladness, and take lessons from amid the tears.

[Cricket]

I've recently put up another blog on a different site for me to sort out thoughts and feelings there without fueling any more drama.
I'm also posting my art on the same site, if anybody's interested in that. As an artist, I'm always looking for feedback!

If anyone would like a link, feel free to contact me.

[Karma]

I hope this is what you need and helps you.

Like I told you before, my door is always open.

[Cricket]

Thank you, but no. I think we had best leave this at a polite but firm "Goodbye."

Your stuff is boxed up and ready to be returned.

I will send it to Darkon next weekend, along with your ring. I did not want that back.

The box of your things will be sent through Hound, or Havoc if you prefer.

Do not come to pick it up.

Do not contact me again.

Do not send anybody else to talk to me on your behalf.

Respect my decision, and stay out of my life.

Goodbye.

[Rarechild]

Cricket and Karma,

Sending along a hug in this rough time for you and your loved ones.

Cricket-sad to see you go off the forum, but totally understand the need for distance to prevent ugliness-I think that's smart.

Speaking as a member only, not a moderator, I think your last post was going the opposite way than the one that you are aiming for. Posting such tender, private, break-up stuff on an open forum is opening the door to inflaming the situation further.

I think you were right on to realize that the anger between you is toxic and must dissipate before you can come to terms with it. In the meantime-think before you post online. Unfortunately, it is now one of the things that may constitute a "big decision" that you are not supposed to make in the midst of grieving or in times of trauma because it hangs around forever (I get out the old pen and paper. It feels fiercer to scribble madly anyway, and helps me).

Best wishes to you and yours. Be nice to yourself.
-R

[Morningglory629]

Speaking as a member only, not a moderator, I think your last post was going the opposite way than the one that you are aiming for. Posting such tender, private, break-up stuff on an open forum is opening the door to inflaming the situation further.

I think you were right on to realize that the anger between you is toxic and must dissipate before you can come to terms with it. In the meantime-think before you post online. Unfortunately, it is now one of the things that may constitute a "big decision" that you are not supposed to make in the midst of grieving or in times of trauma because it hangs around forever (I get out the old pen and paper. It feels fiercer to scribble madly anyway, and helps me).

Best wishes to you and yours. Be nice to yourself.
-R

Rarechild-

This was a helpful post. I will keep it in mind when I am in stream of consciousness on my blog. Glad I read this before continuing my MGA posts.
Thanks.
-MG

[nycindie]

All I can say is... what an eye-opener!

[Cricket]

What, the new blog?

[nycindie]

What, the new blog?
Oh, yeah, baby!

[Cricket]

Thanks! :)

[Cricket]

It's time for people to stop deciding what they think I'm strong enough to face, and what they think I'm too weak to handle. It's time for people to stop talking down to me as if they think their words will break me. It's time for people to stop trying to call the shots on how I'm supposed to heal.

Nobody gets to make that call but me.

I am not alone in what I've endured, but many of the people who call me a "victim" have never been victimized. They don't realize the difference between a victim and a survivor.

Nobody gets to call me a victim, because I survived. I survived on my own strength, and I walked out on my own two feet. I chose to take responsibility for me, because he was out of control. I'm not alive today because I let other people call the shots for me. I'm not in love today because I let him tell me what I'm capable of because he shaves his face and I shave my legs. I'm not happy today because somebody told me I'm finally allowed to be. I'm not moving forward today because I listened to the people telling me I can't.

I'm alive because I took control.

I'm in love because I was brave enough to try.

I'm happy because I decided to be.

I'm moving forward because my heart told me I can.

Don't paint me into a corner by telling people how weak and traumatized I am. Don't box me up with the other broken dolls. Don't act like you know what it's like if you don't, don't compare your experiences to mine if you do. Everyone handles shit differently, and I'm handling this shit by not letting people piss in my cornflakes anymore.

Either jump in the car, or get the fuck out of my way, because I'm going somewhere better, fast, and I'm not gonna brake for fuckin' anything.

- Cricket

[marksbabygirl]

Love this :)

[Cricket]

I've been working on a journal full of collages as a sort of art-therapy project.
The quote in your signature is totally going to get it's own page!
Thanks! :D

[marksbabygirl]

I've been working on a journal full of collages as a sort of art-therapy project.
The quote in your signature is totally going to get it's own page!
Thanks! :D

Something More (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp5foT32tKM)

This is where it comes from :)

[Cricket]

SlutWalk in DC this August.
I'm going.
I think I'm finally ready to be that ballsy.

The length of this dress ≠ a YES!

[Cricket]

http://offthedeeps.blogspot.com/2011/06/taking-leap-ofsomething.html

This is a project I've been reluctant to start, but I think it's time, and that it needs to happen.

This will be my public account of my healing journey. It's public because other people need to know they're not alone, and because if there is any chance I can pass on helpful tips, or reassuring stories, or at the very least, make someone feel like they're not alone, I want to do it. I'm posting the link here, and a couple other places. Some folks here have expressed an interest. I recently found a similarly themed blog, and it has been incredibly helpful (and hard) for me.

I'll be leaving out the gory details of my history, because those aren't what need to be put out there - the coping skills I've learned from myself, other people, and therapists are.

I think our culture's taboo on the topic of rape, and the way they make victims feel like it's a secret shame that should not be discussed because it makes other people uncomfortable is ridiculous, and is why it still happens.

[SNeacail]

I think our culture's taboo on the topic of rape, and the way they make victims feel like it's a secret shame that should not be discussed because it makes other people uncomfortable is ridiculous, and is why it still happens.

Agreed.

[nycindie]

I think our culture's taboo on the topic of rape, and the way they make victims feel like it's a secret shame that should not be discussed because it makes other people uncomfortable is ridiculous, and is why it still happens.

Yes, it is ridiculous! And when the person who is dealing with such victimization and trying to put their life back together is called crazy and irrational, or expected to "get over it" quickly, even by those who were or are close to that person, that is even more ridiculous. But then, the kind of person who would look down on someone who'd been raped... ugh! They are exerting their own form of violation with their judgments. Such people are sociopaths without a shred of compassion, and would likely do things like guiltlessly steal from their friends if they had the chance. So we should never pay any mind to such judgmental idiots.

The important thing is to stand on your own two feet and stop seeing yourself as a victim, but rather as someone who has come through and defied another's attempt to victimize you. You're stronger and more powerful than that.

[Cricket]

If you read some of my last posts there, that's been the theme of most of my recent personal work.

I spent a long time thinking of myself in terms of a victim, and letting other people tell me that's all I was. Then I realized that the people calling me a victim were people who had never had to get up off their back, pull their boots on, and run for their lives.

I get to define what I am, and what I am is done with bullshit. Tough choices and all, I'm so much better off now.
:)