Tiana's Blog - Life's Everchanging Path

[Tiana]

Let's see, where to begin....I've never been very good a writing journals of any kind, but I thought that this couldn't hurt. I will try and post updates as things happen, though likely they will not be daily updates, but I will check for comments, feedback, advice etc, daily. There are several people in the blog that I will mention and to keep things straight I will refer to them with pseudonyms. And please pardon my horrible and many typos in advance. Also apologies for the length of it I have to use multiple posts for this first entry, future entries will be shorter I promise!

I am a 28, soon to be 29 year old woman living in Canada. Growing up, I only ever had monogamous relationships. I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. We were together for a year, but it was little more than an elevated friendship, it never progressed beyond romance. At 17 I had a new boyfreind, Akira, via a long distance relationship as he lived in a different province from me. The day after my high school prom I flew back with him to him to his province and began a life with him......and his mother. This relationship did not go very well. His mother largely sabotaged my relationship with him and he had alot of issues as well being an adult living with attention deficit disorder, he never really grew out of the mentality of being a 17 year old boy, which made life very difficult for us. Naive as I was I had hoped I could change him and help him overcome alot of those obstacles but quickly learned that that was impossible.

There were several times throughout the course of my relationship with Akira that I was tempted by other men in my life, whom I cared about as well, and had though and daydreams of intimacy with them. Then towards the end of my 9 years with him things began to feel apart. We had tried relationship counseling but Akira did not take it seriously and assumed the only problem with our relationship with that my sex drive was broken and there had to be something wrong me. In the last 5 months of our relationship I met a man online, Bob, and developed a near instant connection with him. We became close friends very quickly and it wasn't long before Bob developed stronger feelings for me which he revealed and I knew I shared, though at that time I did not tell him that. We remained friends, as he felt it was not right to have such feelings for me given I was already in a relationship, albeit a failing one.

Then not long afterwards a situation was forced upon me in my relationship with Akira that I could not deal with and I fled to male friend, Edge's, house for 3 days. During that time, Edge became more than just a friend, he and I had always been close. He was there for me when I needed him and gave me the intimacy I so missed and was lacking in my relationship with my Akira. I was also in touch with Bob during this time. At that time, I wrote off all the feelings of love and intimacy I felt for both Edge and Bob as just e being a desperate girl in a bad situation reaching out for that which I did not have, I did not at the time even remotely think it could be possible, or even okay to love more than one person.

Shortly after my stay with Edge I moved back home to my own province, back in with my parents, living in the basement. I remained in touch with Akira and hoped that some time apart might help mend things between he and I. It was not to be, over the course of a month of bi-weekly phone calls Akira never once asked how I was doing or feeling, though I would often ask about him and he would be quite happy to talk about himself. He never mentioned anything about how he was feeling in regards to our time apart or that he missed me or anything. After that month, and 9 years of knowing who he is and how he thinks I knew it was not going to get any better, and I ended the relationship with Akira. It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to have done at that point in my life, but I recovered quickly because in my heart I had known for a long time that it was over.

A few weeks later, I was free to pursue a relationship with Bob. Bob lives in the southern US, and came up to Canada for my birthday and we hit it off pretty quickly and developed and intimate and sexual relationship. We often talked about the future and what we both wanted for ourselves. We both shared alot of the same goals, to get married one day and have children, and raise a family. We often talked about such things and how it would work and if it could work between he and I. All the while, I still felt and believed that I was a monogamous person. It never crossed my mind otherwise, in fact it wasn't even something I ever thought about, it simply was.

As things turned a bit more serious between Bob and I, we began talking more and more about how it could work between us given he was a US citizen and I was a Canadian one. Bob's coming to Canada and acquiring US citizenship was tricky business as he has a misdemeanor on his record, me moving to the US and acquiring residency there (I would not give up my Canadian status), was also difficult as I would not be able to get a work permit for at least 3 months after being married, and, during the time my residency application was pending I would not be allowed to leave the US, which meant I couldn't visit my family. My family is very important to me and a big part of my life, and I love my country and never wanted to permanently leave it so this made things very difficult for me. Bob set in place a plan where he and I could move to Seattle after being married so as to be as near to my family as possible, which at the time I thought was alright, things frequently aren't real to me until they are upon me, so I was, or at the time thought I was, okay with that.

Never the less things progressed and after two years Bob proposed and I said yes. We set a wedding date, Oct 2010. We picked a location and began plans. I returned home and started working on things from my end with my mother and grandmother. I was very excited. The about around Christmas time, I met John online. At first John and I were just friends, we only talked in the MMO we met in and over im's. We became friends very quickly and we chatted with each often. My wedding plans progressed, Unity candles got decorated, my custom wedding dress was ordered, handmade invitations were sent out, toasters, serving knives, and cake toppers were all bought, and pieces for the table favours were ordered.

Sometime just after Easter John mentioned one of his hobbies to me was Hypnosis and it caught my attention right away and he told me about friends he shared this with. I made a comment about how I didn't think I could be hypnotized and he expressed an interest in trying it with me as he felt that everyone should get to experience it at least once. I was reluctant, but after a few weeks expressed that I'd be willing to let him try it was just a matter of timing as to when I was not spending time with Bob, as Bob and I were on voice chat and webcams daily, I hardly got any time to myself when I was not working. After a while the opportunity presented itself and John text-tranced me for the first time. It was a very interesting experience. He had expressed to me ahead of time that I was always in control and if I didn't like what he was doing I could easily break free of it. He gave me some audio hypnosis tracks to listen to that were for relaxation and for a boost of energy.

I began talking with John on voice not long after he text-tranced me and it wasn't long before he tranced me in voice. I want to make clear here to any readers of this blog that John DID NOT use hypnosis as a means of mind control to force me to have feelings for him. Since that time he and I have had many Hypnosis sessions and they are very enjoyable. We came to know each other a bit better and spent alot of time in our MMO together. I made several new friends through John whom I love dearly and are close to my heart. Things progressed and I soon found an inner conflict within myself, because of feelings developing more than what they should (from a mono stand point) in an engaged woman's heart.

continued in next post

[Tiana]

Things went along and I tried to ignore it, thought it did not go unnoticed by others, the new mutual friends I had made via John, the attraction between John and myself. He himself didn't even realize it until one of them pointed it out to him. Once he realized it though he tried to hide it from me because of my engagement. But for him it was a losing battle, as between he and I it is very hard to keep secrets from one another.

While I was visiting Bob for two weeks in July and preparing for my move to the US at the beginning of September, and getting wedding arrangements made, the truth came out that John loved me, and I realized it within myself at the time as well that I felt the same for him. I kept this hidden from Bob for my entire stay with him, though because I was highly confused and conflicted.

Having been raised Catholic and Bob being also a Christian man, this did not make life easy for me. I was in fact tearing myself apart inside and trying to reconcile somehow keeping John in my life but still getting married to Bob. I wanted to keep them both, but Bob would never accept it. I was encouraged by John to tell Bob the truth about how I felt. One of my friends I met through Bob I learned was married but also had a girlfriend. John mentioned that the term he thought this friend used to describe it was polyamourous. It was then that I looked up the definition online and found these forums and made my first post for help and advice. The advice and feedback I received was echoed by John and our friends who knew about he and I.

In the end I told Bob the truth because had I just gone through with the marriage and tried to hide John from Bob it would be the same as cheating and ultimately collapsed the marriage. I also felt I had to be honest with Bob, as I am in general a pretty honest person. The phone conversation between Bob and took place over two days. Bob was crushed. He needed time to consider everything I had told him, and asked me to promise not to speak to John or anyone about the situation until I was able to speak to him (Bob) again when he got home. I made the promise, and was allowed to tell John about it before I acted on the promise. This was again one of the hardest things I ever had to do, not only telling Bob, but on top of that not being allowed any support for those 24 hours while Bob sorted through his thoughts. His reason behind asking me to make that promise was that he wanted me to be able to answer any questions he had unbiased and uninfluenced by anyone other than myself. It was a very painful 24 hours.

At the end of those 24 hours, Bob and I spoke again, and he said he could accept this, despite the fact he now hated John with a passion (he had had an uneasy feeling about him previously). However, he wanted me to wait a full year before I could meet John in person. This simply was a restriction I could not handle. Our wedding was called off (two days before my bridal shower was supposed to happen), and our relationship as lovers ended. I was torn apart, and hurting deep inside. I had hurt Bob deeply and it hurt me to know I had done so because I still loved him, but he wanted me to effectually cut John from my life and I knew that would kill part of me inside to do so.

But this is not the end of the story. About a week later, Bob suddenly flew up to Canada to see me and talk to me. I freaked out because at that point I had just begun to collect myself so that I wasn't crying every time I thought about him, and could function enough to go to work. I panicked and left my house, telling John about it, I had intents of staying in a hotel until Bob returned to the US. Living in my parents’ house, of course my parents tried to force the situation. Eventually I did see Bob, and did not end up hiding in a hotel. Some things that led to collapse were discussed, however, Bob never once mentioned John in the conversation at all nor that I had told him I was capable of loving more than one person. I told him that perhaps there might be hope down the road for he and I, but I needed to sort myself out first and what I wanted. Bob went home a few days later.

So the healing begins. Here I am, trying to figure things out and sort my life out, and rediscover me. A catholic upbringing and societal "norms" did not help matters any. Couple that with Bob still iming me over the first week every couple days when he had been told not only by me, but my mother that I needed my space and time to think and heal. Eventually he did leave me alone after a very heavy email I sent him, and I began to start to look at myself and what I wanted more easily. But everytime I thought of Bob for that first week I felt pain and had to push those thoughts away.

Through all of this, John was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and to help me deal with my pain. He sometimes offered advice, but most of the time just let me vent as he knew it was something I needed to figure out and sort through on my own. He was wonderful to me and gave me distraction in the MMO when I needed it from my overwhelming myself with my thoughts.

After about 2 weeks I was able to talk to Bob on im's again, and he was glad to be able to talk to me again. We didn't talk about anything in regards to the relationship though as I was not ready for that. And earlier this week we were starting to have normal conversations again when suddenly out of the blue he informs me that my mother had told him I'd been talking to John on the phone, and though he claimed to have forgiven both John and I for what transpired, Bob said that knowing I talked to John on the phone was like being stabbed in the back again. Bob than said I wouldn't see him on im's anymore, and that he still had lots of questions and felt like he was treading on eggshells around me not to ask them cuz I wasn't ready for those discussions. I told him just to email me all the questions anyways at least that way I'd have some direction as to what he needs to know to either give us closure or to rebuild a relationship between us. He did so and, said I would only hear from him via email or phone at my discretion.

continued in next post

[Tiana]

I was hurt, I felt betrayed by my mother, things were getting better for me, and I was beginning to make sense of what I needed then it all came crashing down around me again. At that point I once again began to think I was crazy, that something was wrong with and considered counseling, but then I realized a counselor (unless they were poly) would only tell me how wrong I was and that I should only love one man, and I knew that wasn't what I needed. So I began to look up poly online and see if I couldn’t' find any groups or info boards in my area. I felt that if I met people who were poly and felt as I did that it would better help me to understand and accept the poly part of myself and accept that there is not anything wrong with me.

As luck would have it I found a discussion group that was meeting on Sept 24, it was only a day or so away. I decided to go to it and told John, who encouraged me to go. So I went, and that was last night, and I am SO glad I did. When I arrived I was emotional and felt very awkward, however the people I met there were wonderful and could relate to my situation well. They embraced me and listened to me, and by the end of the night I no longer felt alone in my home town. Those of you who are on these boards that attended that group, THANK YOU, so much for making me feel welcome and for your compassion and understanding. I really felt like I was where I belongs, and among friends.

I will continue to go to this group in the future and know it will help me in my healing. As for my situation with Bob....I am at an impasse. Since I initially told him about my poly self, when I called off our marriage, he has not made any mention about it at all. I get the feeling he thinks I will grow out of it, or that it's just a phase, but given my history and knowing my own heart, I know it is now. It is something I need to tell him about again, and to discuss with him. There are two ways that it can go, either he won't be able to embrace me fully for what I am and there will be some rough closure, or we can rebuild and I can still have both men I love in my life, which is what I most want for this outcome. I am still rather fragile at this point though and still insecure about being poly a bit, but I feel I am now on the right track. I do not know when I will feel comfortable or when the right time for me will be to tell Bob about poly me once more, but I know I should not wait too much longer to do so. I really want to know more about poly-life and know the terms and such so that when I do tell him I can do so with confidence and understanding of myself. I hope that in having a blog here I will get some feedback (and I will TRY and post updates as I go along), and support, and by having a community I belong to now where I have support physically present, that it will make things easier and that the time will come to tell Bob sooner rather than later.

Sorry this is such along first entry, but there was alot to tell, and future entries should be shorter with all this explained.

[Breathesgirl]

Hello and welcome from another Ontarian :).

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for sharing this Tiana :) I think your story is one of realizations and bravery. I think you have done what will ultimately be for the better of both you and Bob regardless of the outcome. Glad you found community ;)

[redpepper]

thanks for sharing Tiana. good to meet you. :)

[Tiana]

I am feeling rather down today, and though perhaps sharing things here might help me a little. Things with Bob have been complicated. He is still hanging onto me and wanting that monogamous relationship with me that would be too confining for me to handle. So here’s the scoop...

Bob and John both live in different states in the US and I live in Canada, something I forgot to mention in my first entry. I have known Bob for 3 years now. John I have only known for one.

So last week my mother, who knows about John and my feelings for him, decided it would be a good idea to tell Bob in an email (as they had kept in touch) that I was talking to John on the phone sometimes. He said it felt like a stab in the back to him. I didn’t understand this at all. Am I not allowed to choose who I do and do not talk to in my life, on the phone or otherwise? I have only actually talked to John on the phone a couple times, but I regularly talk to him using a VoIP program which is alot clearer than the landline phone. This got patched over after a bit but it was not pleasant for me at all, it actually hurt me alot, and it was concerning.

Then just last night Bob poured his heart out to me and told me everything he wanted in a relationship with me. I got the feeling from what he said that he has either forgotten when I initially told him I could love more than one person, or that he is ignoring it and hoping it is “just a phase” for me. I am more inclined to believe the latter. He emphasized several times he wanted us to be partners in a relationship, called me his better “half”. He told me that I literally mean everything to him. Things he used to be interested in no longer mean anything to him if I’m not interested in them. He literally told me he wanted to put me up on the pedestal and give me everything, that he couldn’t give me the world, but that he could try.

It is worrisome to me that he would give up everything that is him just to please me. I do love him dearly, but I don’t want him to become someone completely different and live in misery to please me. I also do not want to hurt him again. I know he wants a monogamous relationship with me but I can’t give him that, and I need to tell him that, but I am scared of hurting him again so badly, especially with how much he is clinging to that hope of having that life with me, that it is becoming harder for me to tell him. I know if I don’t tell him though I am just dragging things out and it could potentially cause him more pain. I was wanting to wait till I understood and knew more about Poly life and how it can work, before I talked to him about it, at the very least until after a women’s meet I am going to next weekend. I want him to understand and embrace me as poly, and for any future relationship between he and I to work, he has to, because even if, and I don’t see it happening, things between John and I die down or come to an end, I can’t promise him that I won’t develop feelings for someone else as well down the road.

Things are complicated with this as well. My parents are going on a vacation to his city, as if they’d cancel their flights for what was going to be my wedding, they’d have gotten no refund so they decided to go anyway. He has been in contact with my mom via email in regards to this trip and has offered to give them transport and drive them places. I worry that if I tell him before they go, that he will withdraw that support and my parents will be lost in that city.

To complicate things, John and I have never met in person and he has been discussing the idea of us meeting up somewhere when he has holidays in November. While I want to meet him, I need to tell Bob about myself before I consider this, because if a simple phone call hurt him what would it do to him to know John and I would be meeting each other on top of the news that I am Poly? I think it would be too much all at once. Bob wants honesty from me, and I have tried to give it to him, but have been holding back on telling him about my being Poly, while I learn more about myself, and Bob does know I am not ready to tell him or answer all his questions.

John has been here for me through all this, he feels he identifies himself as poly as well, though he’s never put a label on it before, and because of that he understands where I am coming from. I have been talking to him and leaning on him for support lately since at the moment I can’t do that with Bob. Ideally, if I understand the terms correctly, I’d like Bob to be my primary and John to be a secondary. I know that I could not live with John and that he does want children. I do want kids one day and I know that Bob does and that I could potentially live with him comfortably. But just because I can’t live with John and because he does not want children, does not mean I do not still want him in my life. I love him too, he has been there for me, makes me happy in avenues where Bob cannot and we have shared things that I could never have seen or shared with Bob. The both balance me and fill me.

I am at a loss as to what to do in regards to telling Bob, when I should tell him, how to tell him and minimize the hurt, whether I should go and meet John (would need to book soon so it doesn’t get expensive), alot of things on my mind, and it is dampening my spirits today to the point where I really don’t want to get out of bed. There are things I should be doing, but I just don’t have the motivation right now.

[MonoVCPHG]

Tiana, you seem quite confident that you do not want or could handle a monogamous relationship. Bob seems quite confident and convinced that he does and won't be healthy in a poly one. Unless you plan on denying a part of who you are, I think you should tell him. If he is as adamant as you say then you truly won't be compatable for a long, stable, and healthy life that could include children.

Your parents and Bob will likely be discussing how to bring you around to a mono way of life so be aware of that.
Take care
Mono

[Tiana]

Looks like this entry is going to be acouple posts long again as I have inadvertently been putting it off, so sorry in advance!

About a week ago I went to the women’s poly group. I had a great time, and there was alot of support there for me from other women who are poly as well. I didn’t feel alone, weird, strange or that there was something wrong with me and got friendly advice for what to do with my situation with Bob. Much of the feedback I heard from others was that Bob is being pushy with me and trying to gain back some control over me and that the questions he asked me in an email sounded like he was controlling and trying to make me feel guilty for being honest with him and for trying to take control of my life in my realization of being poly.

It has been an up and down week since. John and I have been discussing meeting each other and have book tickets to meet in late November. I am both excited and nervous about it, not entirely sure I am nervous; perhaps it is simply because it will be the first time we will meet in person. He has been wonderful this week, though I feel bad for leaning on him so much emotionally lately. As it was me that cancelled my marriage to Bob, I got stuck with the debt for it. The bank declined my credit card limit increase and I was panicking. Meanwhile John had already been making arrangements to cover the debt in the background. I feel really bad about relying on him (and a mutual friend of ours) to have to look after it for me but in the end I didn’t have any other choice. John said that he realized initially that I probably couldn’t handle the debt and that he would pick it up. I feel bad and do fully intend to pay both him and our friend back. John realized it was a way that he could help me and sees it as taking care of me. He said I didn’t need to pay him back but that if I wanted to he wouldn’t stop me from doing so.

I should make a note here that when I brought this topic up at the women’s group that I received feedback to be cautious about John giving me large sums of money like this as it could be a sign of him trying to be controlling as well. However the situation is different between John and I. It dips a slight bit into the D/S world. While we both don’t live and breathe in the scene full time, we are both switches. He sits more on the Dom end of the scale and I sit more on the sub end of the scale normally. For the most part he is usually Dominant to me and I submissive to him. So we both view the money thing as part of a Dom taking care of his Sub (even though I still have trouble grasping that for a large amount), and I am alright with that, and quite enjoy being submissive to him alot of the time. Though there is the odd time where we switch roles and it is an interesting experience for me, though I can’t stay on that end for too long.

Anyways back on topic here. The later half of this week I was talking to Bob again, and the conversation turned awkward. He mentioned how if he and I got back together again I would eventually have to give some explanation to his mother about everything. That is something I have been dreading, even though at this point I have strong doubts about whether or not we can be together again, I will elaborate further on that shortly. My birthday is coming up next month and I will be 29. Bob had asked me about whether or not I had tried on these shoes, MBT’s, at the store downtown, as I really need a good pair of shoes to work in and I have no arches on my feet at all, and anything with arches just plain hurt. These shoes had been highly recommended to me but a friend and Bob offered to pay for them and buy me a pair in the US if I gave him the size and style info. So he’d asked me if I’d had the chance to try them on because at least this way it’d make things easier for him in figuring out what to get me. I told him not to worry about a gift as I didn’t expect gifts from anyone since money is tight this year all around. Then he asked me a very odd question. He said it wasn’t about what I expected then asked if I was ending any chance of he and I repairing our relationship and calling it quits for good. I was very confused. I told him I wasn’t and asked where that question had come from. He didn’t really answer, just said that as far as he was concerned I was still the love of his life and that he wanted to help me however he could and that to him my birthday was still just as important as anyone else’s. I don’t really feel comfortable with him giving me an expensive gift or really anything at all, particularly when the future of any relationship between he and I is still yet to be determined.

This is not even the worst of it. The conversation soon moved to talk of Christmas because of my comment about expenses being tight he offered to help pay for presents and said they could just be marked as being from both he and I. I told him it would have to wait and see where things stood at that time and asked him not to rush me. He then started to get pushy saying it had already been two months (when it’s only been a month and a half) and he asked me what was considered rushing or reasonable. I had to point out to him it hadn’t yet been 2 months and told him when I was ready I’d bring things up. I don’t heal easily or forgive myself easily either, that I might seem strong but am still fragile inside. He said he’d try not to push me and would try and hold on as long as he could, that he’s living on faith and prayer atm. I told him that even though it probably feels like forever for him, for me I’ve only just begun to sort myself out (in discovering am poly, though haven’t told him that yet), and that when I was ready to talk to him I’d have alot to say and hoped that after I was done he’d still want me in his life. He told me that would depend on what I had to say. He also told me that if it made it any easier for me that he would not compromise his religion or morals again, that after being through the pain of doing it to “save” our engagement, he wouldn’t go through that again. In my view what he did (see blog entry #1 part 2 about this). Then he mentioned for the first time since I called off the wedding, about the idea of an open marriage and being with other people even after being married. I had thought he had forgotten or was hoping it was just a phase that I was going through, I still believe though that he is hoping it is just a phase and that I’ll “lose interest” after a while.

[Tiana]

With his statement about not compromising, to me I view it as him never being able to accept or embrace me for what I am, and it breaks my heart because I do love him very much and don’t want to lose him, but I also know I can’t be that dutiful, good Christian monogamous wife that he wants me to be. I was an emotional wreck that night and towards the end was beating myself up for having been born and for having such a large heart. I felt it was a blessing and a curse. I was playing my MMO with John and some friends a couple hours before bedtime and was sitting at my desk, my back was in a lot of pain, as I have back issues and had been working that day, but at that point I really didn’t care that my back hurt and I needed to lay down I kept playing the MMO and didn’t say anything. At bedtime I was hungry and didn’t care enough to bother eating. The next morning I was in tears when I woke up and I had to work that day. I really wished I had not been born.

At the end of the day I got home, and was in a lot of pain as I had had a longer shift at work than usual and my back was suffering for it. I lay down and was talking to John and two friends of mine and my two friends ambushed me by using one of my open hypnosis triggers, which produces a physical reaction in me, which essentially makes me feel like I’m being tickled at first but after it is used several times it serves to relax me. They used it so many times I couldn’t move and couldn’t feel a thing. It was wonderful, and they eventually used it so much I fell into trance. It was what I needed even though neither they nor I were aware of it until later.

My mother and grandmother left yesterday to fly to the US and visit Bob and use their trip that had been intended originally for my wedding. It puts me in an awkward spot because I know I need to tell Bob about my being poly and be completely honest with him about it, however with my family there visiting and having no way around or to the airport without Bob, I hesitate to tell him in the off chance my family might get stuck without a way around. The other thing is I will need to tell my father about my trip to visit John coming up, which will be exceedingly hard for me, as I know my father will not understand my being poly at all. I live at home with my folks atm as I cannot afford to move out, so my just up and disappearing for a few days is not a good thing. My mother knows about the trip, so it just will be telling my Dad.

That bring me to today, I am not as broken as I was a few days ago with what Bob told me, but I am still hurting inside and afraid of losing him. I know I will have John regardless of what happens, but even with John, I will still feel like a large part of me is missing if I lose Bob. I love John alot, but I also love Bob greatly. If I had to explain it and compare the two, the love I have for John is in its infancy and is just starting to blossom into becoming more than what it has been, versus the love I have for Bob is strong and has been around and in full bloom for 3 years. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I guess the real point is that the love I feel for each of them is different and I would greatly miss them if I lost them.

So that’s where I am at, hurting inside, and still sorting through what to do and clinging to hope beyond all hope that Bob will be able to embrace me for what I am, as unlikely as it now seems given what he told me those couple days ago.

[Tiana]

Things with John and I are going well, as usual the issue lies with my relationship with Bob.

My Grandmother and Mother have been visiting with Bob for over a week now, which has led to Bob calling me on the phone to update me on how things are going. I do have caller ID so I know it is him calling. Problem is sometimes my Mom will call from his number so I do have to answer the phone in case it is her or in case it is an emergency of some kind. This would be okay if he was just updating me on the situation with my family, however he’s been using that as an excuse to talk to me about our relationship, and bring up things I am not ready to discuss.

This past weekend, he called the first time and asked about where to take my family for things to do because I knew their interests better, so I looked at the tourism website and gave him a list. Then he asked how I was doing, I gave him an answer and then he told me it wasn’t what he meant. He was meaning how I was getting along in sorting through everything. Well this led into a conversation I didn’t want to have yet and wasn’t ready for. He asked if I still loved him, which I told him I did, it just wasn’t easy to express in any way at the moment due to circumstances. He then started asking other questions, mostly ones I don’t think he expected an answer for. At the end of that conversation he hung up on the edge of tears and almost had me to tears as well from the sound of his pain.

Later that day he called back, my Dad answered and I declined to answer, Dad told him I was resting and that I would call him back, which I chose not to do. The next day he called again, I was in the bathroom the first time and had just gotten home from work, so Dad answered and told him I wasn’t home yet, that I’d call when I got in. Later he called again, Dad was not home and I just simply didn’t answer the phone. Again the next day he called, and again I didn’t answer the phone. I was playing my MMO for most of the day and closer to dinner time I got a message from someone in the game asking me to log into instant messaging for a bit. I guessed correctly that that person had been delivering a message from Bob. At this point I was starting to feel like he was harassing me. I didn’t really have time left to log into my im program anyways before I had to rush off to work.

Let me make this clear, at present I have no issues communicating with Bob, as long as it is not over the phone and as long as the relationship issue is not brought up until I am ready to talk about it, at which time, I will be the one bringing it up. The only issue I have with communicating with him is that he has not been able to keep his word thus far to not talk about it, so I have been avoiding him on im’s lately as a result, and not answering the phone. I am reluctant to bring it up until after my family gets home from their visit with him. My Dad will be joining my mother and grandmother towards the end of this week and they won’t all be returning until month end.

Anyways, I get home from work that night to find an email waiting for me, no hello, no closing off the letter with his name, just one short line, the subject “I get the hint”. He said he understood I didn’t want to talk to him and he’d leave me alone. With such a short email, and a very open ended one which could mean any number of things I wrote him back an email of several paragraphs spelling things out in a rather harsh way (being soft till now hadn’t worked) as to what I needed from him right now and why, explaining to him I felt he was pushing me away, that I felt like he was harassing me using the pretence of telling me about my family’s status as an excuse to talk to me on the phone. I begged him to give me the time I needed to heal and for him to look after himself in the meantime. It came across hard, but I didn’t know how to be any clearer at this point.

He sent me back an email the next day saying he’d understood and that it took my ignoring him for him to understand what he’d been doing, that he’d been pushing the boundaries. He said he’d let me heal and not discuss things till I was ready to do so and try and focus on what was going on with him and worry less about me. So far he’s kept to that, but it has only been a few days, we’ll see how long that lasts. He has sent me an email since but it was only to update me on my family and he didn’t mention the relationship at all.

So that’s been what’s been going on lately, it is difficult, and I don’t expect things to get any easier. This coming weekend will be a tough one for me, as it is when Bob and I were supposed to be getting married, so I am hoping I can get through it alright.

[Tiana]

It has been a very rough month and in particular a very rough past couple of days.

My family was visiting Bob in the US and Bob was calling me on the phone to give me updates, which was not something I was ready to deal with, but had to to make sure my family was alright. The moment they moved on to the next part of their vacation, I told him I wasn’t ready for phone calls. He kept pushing to talk to me every night even though I wasn’t ready for it. He also told me every time I talked to him over IM’s that he loved me and missed me. I wanted to say it back but given I didn’t know the outcome of the relationship when I eventually did tell him for a second time, now that I know for certain it is part of who I am, that I am poly, I felt awkward returning the sentiments.

Tickets and flights are booked for John and I to meet later this month. I am very excited about it and look forward to meeting him. We won’t get very long together but I still am looking forward to what time I will get.

I decided it would be best to tell Bob about the visit to meet John before I left so he didn’t find out any other way and so that I was being completely honest with him and not hiding anything. I had waited until after the women’s group to do so because I was looking for some advice and reassurance before hand, I also wanted to wait till after my birthday so that I didn’t hate or dread it for years to come.

Last night was the night. I did not have high hopes of our relationship being able to succeed because of something Bob and twice told me previously, that he would not compromise his religion or morals. To me I interpreted that as him not being able to understand my being poly. In the end though apparently I was told it was largely my fault for the making that assumption, but in all honestly how else am I supposed to interpret that?

The conversation did not go well, I was crying, he said he felt dizzy. I told him everything about my being poly and what it meant to me and how I’d seen examples of how it can and does work, that I’d done my research and been to groups to meet others who were poly and very supportive of me in my realization that I am. He said he’d apparently done some research as well and said that it was something he could live with given time to adjust. I had told him back in august I was poly. He’d had alot of time already to adjust. Still is surprised me and was not something I was ready for. I did explain that I didn’t have high hopes because of his statement (see previous paragraph), but supposedly I interpreted it wrong, and that was my fault.

I also told him about how I’d be going to meet John soon, and that is where he had the problem. Ever since I told him I was poly and who else I loved, he has hated John. He claimed to have “forgiven” him for his “role” in what happened when I called everything off for the wedding to tell him the truth. Bob said thinking about John made him physically ill and that had it been any one else he could’ve handled it. I don’t control whom I love though, it’s not exactly a choice, the heart doesn’t work like that. He then asked me to call of the trip with John so he could have time to get used to the idea and for us to re-establish our relationship, which is not too dis-similar to what he asked me to do initially in waiting a year after he and I were to be married before I could ever meet John in person.

He didn’t understand I could cancel or postpone the trip because alot of money would’ve been lost and John did not have holidays again till the summer. Bob in the end essentially gave me an ultimatum, cancel the trip or the relationship was over. How is that fair? I love John, and I love Bob, and he was making me choose between them. The trip being cancelled never was an option, and as long as he had a problem with John I don’t know that it could’ve worked out anyway. Still it didn’t make it sting any less.

[Tiana]

I thought I was going to be somewhat prepared given my expectations of high failure chance going into the discussion, but part of me still clung to hope, and I guess it was that part that made it so hard. At the end of the conversations Bob said some things that greatly worried me. I asked him not to do anything rash, because when I told him august he said he wanted to throw himself out in traffic. He basically told me back, why would he do that when he has pain meds form injuring his back that would be much quicker and less painful? I rebutted and said I couldn’t live with that weight on my shoulders and he basically said I wouldn’t know as no one would contact me. I got very scared, but I didn’t know what else to say.

I also told him in my pain after the choice had been made by him that I hoped he’d find someone more deserving of him than me, who wasn’t so horrible to him, and he simply replied he wouldn’t because he wouldn’t be looking anymore. In the end the last thing he said to me was that he hoped I would be happy with my life and whatever I did with it.

I was an emotional wreck and I couldn’t stop crying. My mom came to talk to me, but she’s very mono and though she tries to understand and accept, she really doesn’t understand. She gave me hugs at least, which I needed, I cried so much I gave myself a headache. I turned to friends online for comfort in the end because they understand my being poly. John had a problem with the idea of how Bob ended it by giving me an unreasonable ultimatum, and another friend felt that Bob just really didn’t want to understand me and likely wanted to change me to the seemingly mono woman that I was before I met John and realized the truth about myself.

They all told me I was loved, but I still felt dirty, and still feel dirty today, and I feel old. I’m not even 30 yet, but I feel old. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I still have John, but even though I have him, the pain isn’t any less. I guess for now I take it day by day. I have to work today, and I honestly hope it will be a good distraction from my emotions. I was crying alot last night, today I can’t even cry and I have a short fuse and am quick to get angry, I hope this will not get me in trouble. *sigh* I am miserable, and can only hope I will heal and recover quickly to be able to move on with my life.

[redpepper]

Tiana, you aren't dirty. You did well, he doesn't get it and that is fine. Time to move on and hang out with those that do understand. Build your life up to what suits you more.

Great cake by the way, happy birthday. My co-workers loved sharing it with you and say thanks.

Hope to see you soon *hugs*

[MonoVCPHG]

Great cake by the way, happy birthday. *

Agreed! Happy birthday ;)

[Fidelia]

Tiana,

Hi! There you are! I've been thinking and praying for you for months, wondering what how you were, how your situation was developing, looking for updates on the other thread you started. How could I have been missing your blog all this time?

It looks like you're continuing to find your way with integrity and inner strength. I am so happy for you on that count, and proud of you too. And I know you're heart is broken. This is just so hard, for everyone. :(

Look, I only have a moment, and haven't had time to read the whole blog, so I'm going to make this quick:
If you have reason to believe Bob is a danger to himself or others, call for help. A family member, a friend who is close enough to physically go check up on him, somebody. I'm not a big fan of 911 in these situations, but I would do that, even, before I'd run the risk of someone I love harming themselves over me.

I've got to go. Everything else will have to wait. There's so much more I'd like to say to you. Just know that you are loved.

[Derbylicious]

Tiana,
Bob's threats of hurting himself are not your fault. Try not to carry it. You were honest with him. He's had time to get used to the idea. He's been pressuring you to talk before you were ready. I'm sorry that it's come to this for you but your heart will heal and sooner or later you'll be able to look back and see what Bob brought into your life in a positive light and he will be able to do the same as well. He might not know it yet but you have given him a gift of being honest with him before you married. To know who you both are and that in this way you aren't compatible gives you both the chance to be happy and complete in your relationships in the future. <hugs>

-Derby

PS call me if you want to go for a coffee and a chat.

[Tiana]

Thanks everyone for your kind words, they mean alot.

It’s been a while since I last posted, I’m a terrible blogger. It’s been a bit of an up and down month. Since Bob decided to end things, I have been in the process of healing, though I feel I’ve made very little progress. About a week after he ended it he decided he wanted to remain in touch with me and still be friends. While I wanted this initially, I am not really sure I’m ready for it. We talked a bit for a little while over im’s, but every now and again he’d mention how he was doing in such a way that it felt like a guilt trip to me, at which point I just stopped responding, and have done the same any subsequent times. I’ve also been kind of avoiding him on the im’s but still encounter him in the MMO we both play, where I can’t really avoid him, though we don’t talk much. The times when we have talked I’ve felt awkward and uncomfortable, and there’s even been times where he’s gotten under my skin and I his over stupid little things. I’m beginning to think I should just cut contact with him entirely except where it is not possible (like my MMO, not going to stop playing it just cuz of him, it is something I enjoy after all), at least until I’ve had time to heal and can talk to him without the discomfort I now feel.

Despite how uncomfortable I am talking to him right now, I’ve periodically found myself lately thinking of what could’ve been, and some regret over having lost him, alot more lately, especially with the holidays coming up. I know I shouldn’t regret, because I did the right thing, I can’t deny who I am, and it is not my fault he couldn’t understand me, and in my head I know that telling him was best for us both in the long run as it could’ve just made things worse if I’d kept quiet. However, I still feel these things and I still feel loss, and hurt. It saddens me and I still feel a small measure of guilt for having hurt him so much, and myself. I find myself thinking of what could have been, and the wedding I could’ve had, but I have to stop myself there and remind how if I’d gone through with it it could’ve been more disastrous. It’s is hard, and I am trying to heal and make sense of me as a polyamorous individual.

I find myself questioning how multiple relationships would work, particularly since I find myself so glued to John at the moment and don’t want to part with any time I have with him, but also because I’m still new to the whole idea and recognizing my heart for how it is. How does one balance their time between multiple lovers? True at the moment I only have one lover, but that doesn’t mean in the future I won’t have another as well. It’s something I’ve been trying to make sense of and figure out.

While all this has been going on I recently got to meet with John in person for the first time. We only got to spend 5 days together but they were a wonderful 5 days and far too short. We meshed rather well and at the risk of saying a little too much I don’t think I’ve had better sex in my life. There was alot of getting to know each other better (on many levels), things that wouldn’t likely have come up except in person, and alot of good food, and cuddles. There was alot a bit of hypno-play and D/S play, which was rather enjoyable as well. We both cried when we had to part and even though our visit was short, I miss him terribly. I will not get the opportunity to see him again until the summer.

With the holidays coming up I am finding myself feeling down alot more often. Usually I love Christmas and look forward to the family time. This year however I am rather off kilter. I am unable to afford gifts for even my immediate family. I am in debt to John and a mutual friend for the expense of the wedding that never happened that I owed, and while neither of them expects me to pay it back, they won’t stop me if I want to pay it back either. I also discovered that my pay checks each month are covering my expenses with no extra, so I’m basically not making anything. I know in the New Year I have to find a new job as I can’t continue in my present job due to frequent back pain and due to my pay rate simply not being enough. I can’t work long hours due to back problems which started back in September. Given the layoff rate after Christmas my hopes are not high for finding a better job. So I have alot of financial woes, plus I feel off kilter and out of sorts given where I had expected myself to be this Christmas and things have not gone as expected, plus the inability to get gifts for anyone, the holidays are just depressing me and dragging me down.

So with all this I’m eking by, I seem okay on the outside but I have all this going on inside. Externally I’m good at hiding it, but for those who know me, and know me well, it’s not hard to see inside and what I’m going through. I have alot of healing to do and it is not easy, especially the times when I am alone with my thoughts. Often I have to distract myself and tell myself it’s not okay to be beating myself up or getting down over “coulda, shoulda, woulda”s. While my brain knows it’s not fair and hard on myself my heart leads, and I have to distract myself. While I should be happy since it’s the holidays, I’m really not in a celebrating mood and just want them to be over. It hurts to admit, and even just typing this I can feel tears trying to form in my eyes. I know healing takes time, and that it’s just a matter of being patient and that with time it will get easier, but it doesn’t really make me feel any better now. I just have to wait and hope that I feel better sooner rather than later.

[SNeacail]

With the holidays coming up I am finding myself feeling down alot more often. Usually I love Christmas and look forward to the family time. This year however I am rather off kilter. I am unable to afford gifts for even my immediate family.

((Hugs)) What you did took a lot of guts and you sound like you are handling it well.

Go help others and make the holidays not so depressing for someone else. Collect gifts from those that can afford a little extra and take them down to the women's or homeless shelter. Go visit the elderly at a nursing home, play video games with the kids in the hospital, etc.

[Fidelia]

I'm so sorry Bob took it hard, and that he was hurt. And I'm sorry too that you are hurting. You did the right thing, and you've shown yourself to be a woman of character and integrity. You deserve to be proud of yourself for that.

But that doesn't lessen the pain of the loss. I know. And my heart goes out to you, dear Tiana.

As you find your way through this healing process, keep reminding yourself that you did the wise and compassionate thing by revealing your true self. As much as your heart aches now, imagine how much worse it might have been if you had waited five years, or ten, concealing the truth in your heart from your husband. Perhaps that part of you that you kept hidden would wither and die, and that part of you would be lost forever. Perhaps, instead, that part of your self would refuse to be denied, and would roar like a lion in a cage, demanding its freedom, and once loosed, who could say what damage might be done then?

No, you were right to hold fast to your integrity. Continue to hold fast, SisterWoman. Be strong. Better days are coming.

And SNeacail has given you excellent advice. Helping others, we help ourselves.

[Tiana]

So first of all happy new year to all. Wasn’t quite what I’d expected, in fact the 1st itself was rather miserable, but I’ll get to that later. It’s been a very busy month for me, so busy I’ve been meaning to post for a while now but just haven’t found the time.

Where to start. Well, after having talked with my mom and broken down about several things to her she ended up using her HBC points to get me an HBC gift card for $100 so I could buy gifts for my immediate family. I decided to use up my points as well and got a $10 gift card from it, also found a gift card with $3ish on it in my wallet. So after buying all my gifts I only had to spend about 30c out of my pocket which was definitely manageable. So I got gifts for family at least. My mother managed to drag me to the kitchen and do some baking with her to be able to give out baked goods to friends as gifts, so we made giant chocolate chip cookies and caramel popcorn. So at least my gift dilemma got taken care of, and I appreciate my Mom for doing that for me.

Work kept me insanely busy but I still found time to spend with John. Now before I go on, those of you who have met me at the women’s group may remember I mentioned a woman before whom I am very close to and consider my sister. She is not the person I’m referring to in this post. To keep it straight I’ll call her Beth. So to continue, a few days before Christmas John and I were talking. He’d been telling me for some time now about a girl that was important to him, I’ll call her Dara. He’s known Dara since long before he met me and has talked about her several times before, and I knew they’d had a bit of textual play every now and again. Well Dara had come home from college for the holidays and hadn’t been in touch with John for a while. John and I were talking and he mentioned he hasn’t realized how much he’d missed her till she suddenly was around again. He told me the two of them had had some fun via texts and mentioned that if the opportunity came up in the future to meet her in person he’d like to take it and that they probably would have fun *wink, wink, nudge nudge, ya know what I mean?*

Anyways, while he’s telling me all this I could hear the nervousness in his voice and he told me he was pacing. I was sitting on my bed listening at the time and smiling. I found it quite cute. I found I felt a teeny bit of jealously that I couldn’t consciously rationalize and it quickly passed, and I was okay again. Not the first time I’ve felt that, when he’s done hypnosis with others before I felt it, but it never lasted, and in the end I could never rationalize why I felt that way, because consciously it doesn’t make sense why I should, and it always passed. So I asked him why he was so nervous in telling me about this and he said he didn’t know, that it was one of those things he was feeling but couldn’t rationalize. We talked about it and the whole while I was sitting on my bed smiling. I found it very amusing and reassuring at the same time. He mentioned that even though he identifies as poly he’d never been in a poly relationship before, well neither have I, so it’s a first for us both, so perhaps it was because of past relationships expected to be monogamous that even though he knows I am poly, it was making him nervous. I reassured him that I was totally okay with the idea and that I knew he cared about her alot by the way he talked about her in the past. None of it bothered me and I told him I was smiling.
While he doesn’t see a traditional relationship with Dara working in the long run but he cares about her alot and described wanting to still have some form of relationship with her which I provided the label of her being a secondary. In the end he didn’t hold onto the nervousness and it was a productive conversation and we were both happy about the outcome. Later he even joked that if he mentioned it to other guys “Yea I’m seeing this other girl and my girlfriend is okay with it” that the other guys would respond “I hate you”, “Can I have your life?” and we both just laughed it was very funny. It also made me smile though cuz that was the first time he’d ever called me his girlfriend. So that was an interesting poly experience for us both in our first poly relationship.

Alternatively I’ve an airline credit to use up by May from cancelling my flight to the US for the wedding I cancelled and I’ve been tossing the idea around of flying back to Alberta to visit friends I haven’t seen for 3 years. There is someone there that I care for a great deal, for reference this would Edge, I mentioned him in my first blog entry. I don’t see Edge and I being anything more than secondaires to one another but I still care for him alot and wouldn’t change that ever. I’ve been in touch with Edge over the years via im’s and talk to him a couple times a week. If I went to visit there is a possibility he and I could end up having some bedroom fun as well. I have mentioned this to John as well and he was amused as well, but he also knows that Edge is someone I care for highly as well, so it has been an interesting month in terms of Poly situations and discussions that have arisen.

[Tiana]

These conversations and situations have been like a breath of fresh air to me. It has felt freeing and reassuring. I say reassuring in so much as it has felt right, and I’ve felt no regret or negative emotions at all, in that poly is who I am, not that I’ve doubted it over the last several months, but it has made me feel more comfortable with who I am in being polyamorous., and i am very happy for that.

Getting back to how I rang in the new year. Well it started off great, I was on skype with john, though he rang in the new year 3 hours prior to me, he stayed up to ring it in with me on my end. We chatted and were having fun with some little cards I got for Christmas “Unbelievable Crazy Urban Myths” and “Brain Boosting iq puzzles and quizzes” so those stimulated some interesting conversations. It was fun and shortly after 1am my time we went to bed.

Well the next morning (or later that morning, however you view it, it was the 1st), I was awaked at 9:30 by my dad knocking on the door telling me to pick up the phone. It was Bob. I hadn’t spoken to Bob in voice since he ended our relationship. He had called to ask for the engagement ring back. He apparently can get money back from the jeweller he got it from which he needs to pay for school as he plans to go back at the end of summer. I felt a part of me inside die. Even though in my rational mind I know the chances of Bob and I reconciling are practically nonexistent, still a tiny part of me had held on, and it hurt. We talked for a bit, he asked how I was and I gave him the straight up answer, didn’t touch on my feelings at all, and I asked the same of him then asked a question I shouldn’t have, and his response stung, I don’t know if he meant it to but it did. The end result, he was trying to move on with his life (though that wasn’t the part that upset me). I asked how much to insure it for and was stretching as I asked and he asked that I not cry. I told him i wasn’t but was trying hard not to. Bob asked why, and I started to cry, said it was cuz I still had feelings for him and hadn’t stopped loving him. He said he knew what that was like. In the end we hung up and I will be sending the ring back to him.

I was crying and my mom was still asleep, though I knew she wouldn’t understand. I rang John on skype and he comforted me, and helped me calm down. He told me that as remote as the chance was of Bob and I reconciling, it didn’t mean it was impossible and that sending the ring back didn’t mean it couldn’t happen, just that Bob and I would start over. John did say however that he didn’t hold out much hope for a reconciliation but if it did happen he’d adjust. John managed to help calm me down and cheer me up a bit and most of the day John, Beth and another friend of ours ran around together playing our MMO which distracted me for a while before I had to go for dinner and family obligations. I was rather miserable the whole evening while I was with my family, both dealing with a headache and my emotions from that morning. As a result I was rather quiet and reserved. No one seemed to really notice though I was wearing my ice mask and neck ice pack to help with the headache, so my headache acted as a mask for my emotions. I went to bed that night glad the day was over.

Today I went to the women’s group and had a great time there. I always feel safe and welcomed there, and feel I am amongst friends. So though yesterday was shitty today has been good and I have high hopes and a positive outlook for the rest of this new year.

[MonoVCPHG]

Here's to a happier 2011 my friend :)

[eklctc]

It really bothers me when people don't understand that it is unhealthy to try to jump right into a friendship after their emotional/intimate relationship has ended. The best way to get over someone is to let them go completely, go through your healing process, and then come back to the middle. Many people don't allow others to do that though. View it as a necessary evil but it's almost like a cleansing. You can't start taking your elixirs and herbs yet continue to binge on grease, sugar, and alcohol and expect to be renewed at the end of that process. I hope your holidays ended up being not so blue. Your journey has just taken a slight detour but you will be back on your path in no time. *hugs*

[Fidelia]

Here's to a happier 2011 my friend :) Hear hear!

[Tiana]

Okay so it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything well I’m not really the best blogger in the world never was a person who keeps journals but I’m trying. January was also a very busy month for me and February, well it’s kind of flown by as well.

January between the few 0-2 shifts a week at work, my back pain, working on belated xmas gifts now that I had the time, finally unpacking my things from the summer that I’d packed up because I was going to be moving to the US on account of getting married (which of course did not happen) now that I had a new bookshelf to put things on, job hunting and spending time with John it’s been super busy.

January was my creative month, I made a pair for slippers I sent to Beth, a scarf I sent to another friend, and a dragon sculpture out of fimo because I’d been wanting to for a while. I’m presently working on making myself a swim bag. Despite having been super busy however I was feeling rather lonely. I missed John alot, even though we talked from night to night it’s not the same as actually being with him in person. This dragged me down and in combination with several other things I was rather depressed.

The job hunt is not going well, for several factors, a) my need for regularity and consistency in my schedule b) I’m looking for something other than entry level for the first time and the required qualifications scare me c) something that will pay me enough to survive off on my own and d) a job that can be flexible with my back issues. I don’t work well under pressure or with tight deadlines, I can’t use a mac, my math skills are not strong, I don’t know how to use accounting software and haven’t used excel in years so not sure where I stand for proficiency. When I see those things, they scare me away from wanting to apply. So all those things complicate finding a suitable job. One of the things that didn’t make that list while it is something I want but I doubt its likely is finding something I can be happy doing. I have an appointment with a place here that helps people find jobs on the 1st. It’s not a placement agency but they help you with your resume and offer workshops and such. I am hoping they’ll be able to help me address some of these issues so I can find something suitable.

I mentioned back issues; well I’ve had them since September. I just woke up with them one morning without any rhyme or reason without having done anything out of the ordinary to cause it. Since then it’s only gotten worse. Presently I can’t work much more than a 5 hour shift on my feet tops, and have issues sitting up in a chair for more than 2 hours at a time. If I push it too much I have to lie down. I’m seeing a chiropractor but it doesn’t seem to help my back much and my doctor is useless and looks at me like I’m a hypochondriac every time I go in to see her with a problem. That it’s not getting any better and seems to be getting worse has been dragging me down as well.

On top of all that we have Bob who asked on the first day of the New Year for the engagement ring back. I haven’t sent it back yet, though he did ask again last week. That really upset me, but I already commented about that in my last blog entry. Right now I am on the fence as to whether to send it back to him or not. I’ve talked to a few people about it and they have different angles on what to do. My mother thinks I should send it back to him and hat he’s entitled to it since I was the one who cancelled the wedding and called it off though he was ultimately the one to end the relationship because he couldn’t accept me as poly. Other say because he gifted it to me it is mine and my decision whether to give it back or sell it myself, lord knows I need the money right now. So I’m indecisive. On the one hand I did tell him I’d send it back, but on the other I am reluctant to part with it, not even sure if I could sell it yet to be honest. I know it’s best to put the past behind you and I have been doing so, a little bit at a time but it doesn’t make some things any easier. I don’t hurt as much as often over Bob anymore, though there is the occasional song I still can’t listen to and the odd, becoming rarer, time that I still think of him and what we had together, though it doesn’t last long as its gotten alot easier to let go of now and not let it eat at me. So, yay for progress, and still don’t know what to do about the ring.

[Tiana]

Those two things bogging me down I ran into my first major poly obstacle about a week ago now with John. Beth had introduced a friend of her from our MMO we all play, I’ll call her Jenny, and asked John to do Jenny a favour by playing a part in a roleplay for the game, nothing erotic, and it didn’t bother me, why should it? After the roleplay though John and Jenny started to talk alot and he was giving alot of time to her, even doing hypnosis with her and I started to get uncomfortable. When he was doing stuff with her while we were talking and it was our usual time together for the evening, I started to get upset, but didn’t want to say anything. He seemed so happy with doing hypnosis with Jenny and other things and I wanted to be happy for him but I just wasn’t. I began to wonder if something was wrong with me, and if I was struggling with being poly but still having some mono mindsets because of how I was raised. It was upsetting me and I’d spent the better part of the day previous crying and upset. I had to go out of the house and go swimming to distract myself for a while but it didn’t last. The next day I spoke to Edge about it and another friend, both of whom know I’m poly and know about John. Both encouraged me to talk to John about how I felt. I was reluctant to until I had no other choice. John asked me one night if Jenny could join us in skype while he helped her with a quest in the MMO. When I didn’t answer right away hesitated when I did reply to answer affirmatively he knew something was up.

I had written a big long blog post about it for this blog which I decided against posting, it was mainly to help me get it out of my system and to give to John when it eventually did come up so he could see how it was bothering me as I often don’t communicate well when confronting problems with people. I get upset and can’t think straight so writing it lets me get out all that needs to be said and then what I wrote can be discussed. So that is what happened. I sent it to him to read and he read it and we talked. In the end things did get resolved part of my issue was that alot of the things he was now doing with Jenny he used to do with me and hadn’t done with me for a while and was doing it during the time we usually got to ourselves. So I felt left out and a bit neglected. Also with Beth and Dara, they’d always been there, they were there before I came along so it was pre-established, but Jenny was new, and I felt a bit threatened.

John apologized to me and said he hadn’t realized I’d felt that way, that he had taken for granted that with the shit going on in Beth’s life and in Jenny’s that I was okay, because I didn’t show any outward signs of being otherwise, and if I had he had not picked up on them and apologized for that. He assured me that Jenny was not someone he was interested in having that kind of relationship with and that she would only be a friend and that jenny had he own boundaries where that kind of thing was concerned anyways. He’d gotten excited hypnotizing someone new as every experience is different and he enjoys learning new things from the various people he’s hypnotised. We talked for a good long while about it and how to balance things out and other things, and in the end I really ended up enjoying the night despite how it had started as he and I haven’t talked like that for a while as often we have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. At the end of the night he surprised me and said my name which always catches me by surprise because he rarely uses my full first name (usually uses a clip of it) except on special occasions or if he needs my attention. It did as it was meant, caught me by surprise and acted as an interrupt and he dropped me into trance. He didn’t leave me there long or really do anything with me there, he just let me feel what it was like again and to enjoy just quietly being there. When he brought me back up I was very happy he had done it and thanked him for letting me feel it again.

Since that night and the discussion John has cut back on the time and attention he gives Susan and has been paying more attention to me and how I was doing. We realized being poly has a learning curve and for us both being in our first poly relationship we’re both feeling it and going to have to take it as it comes and communicate better. That’s going to be a challenge for me, but I can try.

[Tiana]

And I’m not done yet! This is going to be several posts long I think by the time I’m done. This last week has been very rough as well. While I’ve not been given any shifts this week at work, it seems to have worked out being good timing. On Tuesday my grandmother fell in the parking lot of the mall across the street from her apartment building. She couldn’t get up and was lucky a lady driving stopped and saw her or she would’ve been run over. The lady stopped and called an ambulance and a couple people helped her up. She was in the emergency room for several hours getting x-rays, catscans and pre-op work done. In the end they said she needed surgery and would be called Wednesday to be told what time to come in for it on Thursday. They put her in a sling, gave her some pain meds and sent her home.

She can’t do much on her own so can’t be left alone. My mother took two days off work to stay with her and help her. They got a call Wednesday night saying my grandmother’s surgery was at 8:40 am the next morning. Well come the next morning hey called her to cancel it. On account of the snow here there was no room in the OR for her. This aggravated me and my family as she was in alot of pain, and the pain meds she was given she wouldn’t take cuz they made her feel dizzy and sick, so she was taking common Tylenol. We waited to hear from them again on Thursday night about a surgery for Friday, and they didn’t call. By about 8:30 pm my mother called the hospital and they said that she would not get surgery Friday. We were all of us very pissed off. My mother had to go back to work Friday so I went over at 6am to take care of her for the day. At around 9am the hospital called and told her not to eat or drink anything and call them back at 4pm because they might be able to fit her in that evening. So she waited and got hungry and thirsty and was in pain because she couldn’t take any meds. My mother arrived after work and let me go home to get some rest. Well at around 4 they called and they told her 9am Saturday. We were, again all annoyed because once again she’d fasted pointlessly. The concern now is that they will cancel Saturday’s surgery and if they do we’re taking her to the hospital and putting our feet down and insisting they give her the surgery. By tomorrow, Saturday it will have been 4 days since her fall and they’ve given her bandaid in the form of a sling without really treating her at all. If they are allowed to do this there is a fear the bone will start to heal and have to be re-broken, plus if they keep getting her to fast and then cancelling on her of dehydration and malnourishment. So that’s been a stressor and worry on my shoulders as well this past week.

And yes folks there’s more. I was talking with Edge last night and he had his runes out and asked me if I had any questions I wanted him to ask them for me to be answer. I asked him two questions and he did a casting for each. The first was about my back and when it’d be permanently cured. He told me he could give me a time but could see what might be preventing it from healing. The runes told him that something was disrupting my signals to cause my pain as though it had almost been wished or cast upon me and he suggested that a spiritual or psychic scrub might help, but that that kind of thing would need to be done in person so I’d have to find someone who knew how to do it. The second question I had him ask was where my being poly would take me and this reading turned up a very interesting result.

The runes told him that I didn’t feel whole, that I rely on others for my strength and protection and I get a great energy from it and defence, but that I didn’t feel whole presently, which isn’t entirely inaccurate. He continued to expand the runs to get more information on this subject for me and what turned up was that I’ve a need or desire to fulfill bur haven’t pursued it for some reason. I was avoiding a journey somewhere I wanted to go. I was confused by this and tried to think on what it might be but nothing came to me. Apparently it was something I wanted badly but had been avoiding. He couldn’t cast anymore runes for that particular subject so he reset them and recast them specifically on what that need might be. What turned up was that it was something within reach but that I refused to grasp. It was a someone not just a somewhere that was within my reach but I’d been avoiding grasping, but was also something that would help me to feel whole again if I took it or asked for it. At that point Edge told me his head was swimming and he couldn’t cast any more runes because it had drained him. He speculated though that it was possible it could be someone I wanted for one of my lovers that would accept if I only approached them about it. I told him I knew it wasn’t Bob, and he told me by the energy he read from it he knew so also, because he’d recognize it right away if it were. Bob can’t and won’t accept me as poly. He said he could tell it was a desire for someone I’m already close to, that I want to go to them but I hold myself back. He knows it’s not John or Beth because I would go to them if it were so. And with that he left me to speculate.

The reading upset me, though I can’t remember why now I knew at the time why it had. I think perhaps it might be edge, because I do love him, and I do hold back, because I have worried and doubts about it. It would complicate things even further in my already complicated life and would be another long distance relationship. I also know that he cannot fulfill two of my greatest desires, marriage and children. John does not want children and never considered it though has told me before he’d considered giving them to me. So I am rather confused, and perhaps it was that confusion that upset me. I have shared this reading with John and he has encouraged me to go and visit Edge and pursue it, but I am afraid of hurting edge if it does not work out and do not want to damage the relationship we already have. He has a fragile self esteem already and if things didn’t work out and I rejected him it would be extremely damaging and I don’t want to lose him but don’t want to be trapped either, perhaps that is why I hold back with him.

I think that’s everything, so there’s been ALOT going on in my life lately, yet somehow I survive and keep plugging through it all. I hope life will calm down and find some sense of normalcy soon.

[Tiana]

Not sure if anyone reads these anymore but I started writing them I may as well keep going with it, even if it is sporadic. March, well, it’s been busy again. This year just seems to keep flying by. Guess this time I’ll start with updates on things mentioned in my last entry.

My Grandmother finally got her surgery and is recovering slowly. Things haven’t really changed for us on that front though as we still have to help her though gradually she’s beginning to do stuff on her own.

Things with John and Jenny have settled down significantly and they’re just friends now and I’ve started to form a bit of a friendship with her as well.

I’m still working on getting that energy scrub/smudge done to help me with cleansing me. There was someone at the women’s meet who offered to help though the only contact I have with her is via email and it seems she’s not very responsive that way so we’ll see what happens. I’d still very much like to get it done, anything that holds potential to help me I’ll try.

Bob still is bugging me about the engagement ring. Honestly I’ve not been thinking about it and he’s not going to let up till he gets it back. I honestly don’t want to deal with him anymore so I told him he’d have to pay for it and I’d send it CoD. He said that was fine. I’ve had him blocked on my im clients since last month and haven’t had any contact with him except in my MMO where I can’t do much about it. I honestly didn’t think it possible to “fall OUT of love” with someone, but I have, I don’t love him at all anymore, in fact I’ve grown to dislike him. I don’t want anything to do with him for now, maybe a couple years down the road we can be friends but right now I just want him out of my life. I’m hoping as soon as I send the ring back he’ll leave me the hell alone. I blew up on him this time when he asked about it. Told him I don’t break my promises, and in not so blunt terms he basically accused me of being a liar. I accused back, and he claimed he’d never lied to me, I told him he can’t live by a double standard; that being simply unspoken promises, apparently they don’t count when he makes them but they do when I make them. He wants to talk to me about what’s on his mind and get some closure, and asked not to leave him hanging on too long about it. I honestly don’t care what he has to say and don’t want to hear it. I honestly expect he’d just point and lay blame and try and hurt me more, I don’t think I deserve that and at the time of this writing, I don’t intend to give him that or allow it.

Things are hairy for Beth. He house has been put up for auction to be sold since the bank has foreclosed upon it and will go up in early may (I think, don’t remember the exact date). As if that weren’t enough, the free clinic she had been going to refuses to take her anymore since she’s not “technically” homeless. She has diabetes, heart issues, thyroid issues, neuropathy, depression and a few other issues. She had been seeing a counsellor there and getting the meds required for her survival for free. Now they’re shutting the doors to her and saying “you’re not homeless, go screw yourself and die” nice huh? I worry for her and what will happen to her but as she lives in a different country and on the other end of the continent from me, there isn’t anything I can really do to help except offer a friendly ear and try and be supportive when I talk to her.

My Dad now has something in common with Beth it seems. We found out Friday that he has diabetes. He’s been tested twice now. We don’t know which type yet, but they’ve asked him to eat healthier and exercise and will test him again in 3 months to see if he needs meds. His Uncle was a diabetic too, so it is in the family, though we had thought his was brought on by drinking, and diabetes usually skips a generation, in my Dad’s case, it didn’t. Some days he’s positive about it, and others he’s very negative. So we’ll see how that goes.

My job situation, well I’ve been going to a place called worklink and seeing a case manager to help me with my resume and cover letter and have taken a couple free workshops to help as well. So far I’ve taken the Hidden Job Market workshop and the workshop on interviews. I learned at both that I need to take another workshop for career planning to figure out what my skills are, what my interests are as they can apply to jobs and get an idea what direction I want to go in. That one is coming up in mid-April. It’s been rather helpful so far, though I’ve not had the chance to apply any of it, more on why later. My current job is picking up this month though as I am working a bunch this week, next week and the week after, so more money is good, just hope my back will survive it.

Now, why have I not started applying what I’ve learned in the workshops? Well shifts in my current job picking up but also in the past week I spent a weekend with one of the ladies from the women’s group out in the wilderness to celebrate the spring equinox and had an AMAZING time. Then when I got back I had a week to spend with Edge who came to visit on his holidays.

In the last month edge and I have sort of become partners in an unspoken way. I kinda just started introducing him as such to my friends that do know I am poly. He spoiled me thoroughly though I tried to protest he insisted, and said if I had to give it a reason to just call it back pay for missed birthdays and xmas gifts for many past years where I’d gotten him gifts and he didn’t get me anything. He told me I’d spoiled him but just letting him come to visit. We had some private fun as well and we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. On the last night he was here we went on a Ghost walk which was super fun cuz he can see sense, and sometimes see the spirits and can see auras as well. He even caught a picture of one on camera during the walk. It was really neat hearing his commentary to me along with the guide’s comments as well. The guide even asked for a copy of the picture! We had a great time and it was really nice to see him again. So I now have two partners in my life.

Speaking of having two partners, I spoke with John about my week after edge had to return home, and he mentioned he’d come to expect that when it was confirmed Edge was coming to visit me, that there would be sex. Even after the fact, he was okay with it! He was happy I’d enjoyed myself. Just hearing that is a poly experience I’ll never forget and once again affirms within me that Poly is who I am! I felt so wonderful and happy knowing that they both knew and know, and they’re both okay with it, and that I can keep them both. It’s truly a great feeling and it feels so RIGHT! It made me think; Polyamoury, where’ve you been all my life? I know I’ve been poly all my life but didn’t know about it till the last year and realize that’s what I am. So I had a moment of pure joy and glee knowing that this is who I am, it IS okay, and that all parties involved love me, will always love me and are okay with me having them both as partners. Just amazing!

It’s been a busy month, tried to keep this shorter, and seems I've managed to keep it to one post! And hey, I’m ending on a positive note this time too!