A point to sex without orgasm?

[TeJoKo]

I am wondering what the point is to sex if you can't orgasm?
My boyfriend says the closeness, but we can have that closeness just cuddling before sleep. The touching and caressing? He can do that while we watch tv... He just tried to show me, by kissing me and squeezing my boob, and it made me feel like a piece of meat.

I feel defective because I am incapable of vaginal orgasm. I feel like what is the point? I don't want to get pregnant, and can't have vaginal orgasm, why put a penis in there at all when I can just wait until everyone's gone to work and get out my pocket rocket? And if I have to masturbate to to feel even the slightest bit orgasmic, why shouldn't he?

I read the 'Ejaculation' post on here, and tried it. No luck. It was uncomfortable and a bit painful. It feels like a full bladder, which is painful to me. And it left my vagina sore for two days from a finger being in there. Not like I want to basically pee everywhere anyway, I just want to have a vaginal orgasm. I just want to not be defective. ... My mom suggests that maybe they're doing it wrong... But I doubt 50 guys have ALL always done it wrong. My boyfriend can give other women orgasms, just not me.

I anticipate you all hating me before long due to my negativity, but whatever. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the only place I have available.

[rabbit]

Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.

[TeJoKo]

Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.
Sex with the vibrator doesn't get me off either. IF I can even get and keep it in the right spot, its hard enough to stay in the right angle. I have to be still and so does he, and guys don't like dead weight in bed, right? (Any in/out movement will prevent me from getting off) And generally it causes too much stimulation and it makes my clit hurt.

I don't want to have to rely on toys to enjoy sex. I WANT to have a vaginal orgasm, I want to not be defective. If I am going to use my toy, why have sex at all? Why have sex at all anyway?

[MindfulAgony]

Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.

[TeJoKo]

Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.

Half could orgasm regularly? Of the women I've talked to, three of them, al three have, but none regularly. I CANNOT AT ALL, NEVER HAVE, NEVER GET CLOSE. SEX NEVER FEELS ORGASMIC TO ME.

None of these replies here apply to me. They all make me feel MORE defective. At least all these other women are capable.

[MindfulAgony]

Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.

[TeJoKo]

Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.

Manual stimulation would make it clitoral, not vaginal, yes?
hands on my clit is also irritating.
If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...

[Derbylicious]

If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...

Yes different women's bodies work differently, one way of being isn't better or worse than another. Some women are multi orgasmic and others are not, some have vaginal orgasms some don't, some like oral some don't. It's not a comparison thing, you know what works for you for you to get off the heck with what works for other women. If you don't want to have vaginal sex because you don't get anything from it then don't.

[MindfulAgony]

Exactly. There is quite a bit of confusion about clitoral versus vaginal orgasm... some researchers contend that there's really no such thing as vaginal intercourse. They argue that so-called vaginal orgasms are in fact the result of clitoral stimulus. But...

From psych wiki:
"Recent discoveries about the size of the clitoris - it extends inside the body, around the vagina - complicate or may invalidate attempts to distinguish clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms. Recent anatomical research shows that there are nerves connecting intravaginal tissues and the clitoris. This, with the anatomical evidence that the internal part of the clitoris is a much larger organ than previously thought, could explain credible reports of orgasms in women who have undergone clitorectomy as part of female circumcision. The link between the clitoris and the vagina is evidence that the clitoris is the 'seat' of the female orgasm and is far more wide-spread than the visible part most people associate with it. But it is possible that some women have more extensive clitoral tissues and nerves than others, and so that some women can achieve orgasm only by direct stimulation of the external part of the clitoris."

So, it may be moot as we learn more about female anatomy.

[marksbabygirl]

The short answer is because it feels good.

If it doesn't feel good - don't do it.

I don't *orgasm* from anal intercourse. But I do it a lot because it feels good.

There's no reproduction, no orgasm, just good feelings.

Its too bad you're not in the Vancouver area - I know someone who does amazing workshops - oh - if you're near one of the Taboo Sex Shows - catch Jennifer's workshops - they're only 30 mins - but fairly informative.

Good luck.

Jane

[openmarriagelove]

I just joined, but I can't help to read your post and feel like I should help. My day job is a sex educator and so perhaps my credentials will help you believe the previous answer a little more. Only 23-27% of American women actually have an orgasm from sex. Many friends lie because like you they think it's not normal if they're not having an orgasm from sex. And by sex I mean the most common referred to action of penis in vagina. Sex to everyone is different and to some means no penetration at all, but from reading I think to you it means penetration.

Without understanding your body you're going to continue to be frustrated that you feel like you're not being normal in your sex practices. However if you had any idea how common it is for women to be frustrated like you because they are not having an orgasm with their partner inside of them you'd feel much more normal.

I would really recommend getting more comfortable with understanding how orgasm and your vagina works before working on it with your partner as a personal understanding helps in connecting with your partner much more. He's not very far off base asking for intimacy without orgasm. This is very common and can be acheived if you take the equation of sex and make it simpler. To some poeple sex starts from the minute they get up with a sexy note they leave for their partner before they leave for work, or a sexy text they send, or the fact that they went out of their way to grab something special for dinner because they knew their partner had a rough day. When you confine labeling "sex" to just when penetration occurs in the bedroom you restrict your mind and body to all kinds of experiences of intimacy and sensation and absolute wonderfulness that is waiting for you if you're willing to experience it. I'd strongly suggest reading I Love Female Orgasm and try reconnecting with yourself.

Good luck :) xo

[MindfulAgony]

A 2005 twin study found that one in three women reported never or seldom achieving orgasm during intercourse, and only one in ten always orgasmed. This variation in ability to orgasm, generally thought to be psychosocial, was found to be 34% to 45% genetic. The study, examining 4000 women, was published in Biology letters (http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-06/rs-sir060605.php), a Royal Society journal.

[RGee91]

I think the point of sex in a relationship is to feel that bond and to make eachother feel good. Now in your situation, it's a bit complicated, but I think he still just wants to feel that sexual closeness, and also he wants to orgasm.

my best advice is oral. Give him head, he gets off, your vaj isn't hurt. He may also be able to make u feel good, even if not cum, with some good tongue work. Or let him use the toy on you, tell him where you like it. It'll at least help him feel a part of your pleasure..

[MonoVCPHG]

Sex is an energy exchange...orgasm is a massive dump of energy but not necessary for me. It's like holding in a secret and then finally just blurting it out; the pressure subsides for a while until you need to tell another secret;)

I could exchange energy all day!

[MindfulAgony]

My point in posting all of this, is that whoever or whatever put the notion in your head that you are defective is plain wrong.

More backgorund... "The "two-orgasm theory" (the belief that in females there is a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm), has been criticized by feminists such as Ellen Ross and Rayna Rapp as a "transparently male perception of the female body". The concept of purely vaginal orgasm was first postulated by Sigmund Freud. In 1905, Freud argued that clitoral orgasm was an adolescent phenomenon, and upon reaching puberty the proper response of mature women changes to vaginal orgasms. While Freud provided no evidence for this basic assumption, the consequences of the theory were greatly elaborated, partly because many women felt inadequate when they could not achieve orgasm via vaginal intercourse that involved little or no clitoral stimulation. Freud's claims about this and many other biological subjects, were later largely proven false or based on supposition."

Got to love Freud, still warping minds nearly a 100 years later. (I was trained in psycho-dynamic theory - the modern incarnation of Freud's psychoanalysis so that was not a completely random comment).

And, more recently... "In 1966, Masters and Johnson published pivotal research about the phases of sexual stimulation. Their work included women and men, and unlike Alfred Kinsey earlier (in 1948 and 1953), tried to determine the physiological stages before and after orgasm. One of the results was the promotion of the idea that vaginal and clitoral orgasms follow the same stages of physical response. Masters and Johnson also argued that clitoral stimulation is the primary source of orgasms."

Same source psych wiki.

Clitoral orgasms are the bomb (or so I've been told). Enjoy them. Why worry abou the rest?

[TeJoKo]

Yes different women's bodies work differently, one way of being isn't better or worse than another. Some women are multi orgasmic and others are not, some have vaginal orgasms some don't, some like oral some don't. It's not a comparison thing, you know what works for you for you to get off the heck with what works for other women. If you don't want to have vaginal sex because you don't get anything from it then don't.
That just makes me feel MORE defective.

I can't believe that having multiple vaginal orgasms isn't BETTER than having no vaginal orgasms. I doubt you will find a woman out there who wishes she didn't have vaginal orgasms. But if you do, introduce us. Maybe her logic will make sense to me.

[TeJoKo]

A 2005 twin study found that one in three women reported never or seldom achieving orgasm during intercourse, and only one in ten always orgasmed. This variation in ability to orgasm, generally thought to be psychosocial, was found to be 34% to 45% genetic. The study, examining 4000 women, was published in Biology letters (http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-06/rs-sir060605.php), a Royal Society journal.

My mom and sister can orgasm during sex.

[PollyPocket]

Recipe:
Girl on Top
Penis in Vagina
Hitachi Magic Wand on Clit

Guaranteed.

[MindfulAgony]

My mom and sister can orgasm during sex.

And so, your grandmother or father could be to blame. Genes are as often passed through - without the parent having the gene expressed - as they are passed on from a parent who clearly has that gene.

My point still stands. You have good company with nearly 30% of all women. And, there's sufficient scientific basis to suggest that a vaginal orgasm is indeed based in the clitoris. As such, why be concerned with clitoral stimulation during penile insertion? Why torture yourself with this [false] view of yourself as defective with ample evidence to the contrary?

[TeJoKo]

I just joined, but I can't help to read your post and feel like I should help. My day job is a sex educator and so perhaps my credentials will help you believe the previous answer a little more. Only 23-27% of American women actually have an orgasm from sex. Many friends lie because like you they think it's not normal if they're not having an orgasm from sex. And by sex I mean the most common referred to action of penis in vagina. Sex to everyone is different and to some means no penetration at all, but from reading I think to you it means penetration.

Without understanding your body you're going to continue to be frustrated that you feel like you're not being normal in your sex practices. However if you had any idea how common it is for women to be frustrated like you because they are not having an orgasm with their partner inside of them you'd feel much more normal.

I would really recommend getting more comfortable with understanding how orgasm and your vagina works before working on it with your partner as a personal understanding helps in connecting with your partner much more. He's not very far off base asking for intimacy without orgasm. This is very common and can be acheived if you take the equation of sex and make it simpler. To some poeple sex starts from the minute they get up with a sexy note they leave for their partner before they leave for work, or a sexy text they send, or the fact that they went out of their way to grab something special for dinner because they knew their partner had a rough day. When you confine labeling "sex" to just when penetration occurs in the bedroom you restrict your mind and body to all kinds of experiences of intimacy and sensation and absolute wonderfulness that is waiting for you if you're willing to experience it. I'd strongly suggest reading I Love Female Orgasm and try reconnecting with yourself.

Good luck :) xo

I understand my body better than anyone my age could really hope to. I have had a lot of damn sex, probably more than many people twice my age (more than my mother and my sister, who both have vaginal orgasms.) I don't have female friends. I have been asking my mother, my sister, my boyfriend's girlfriend. Even my exboyfriend's girlfriend. All can do it except me. I have been told its age, but one of them is 21, so I call bullshit on that.

Sex starts when SEX starts. Words are not sex. I don't get horny from words that come from someone I've known for years... only from people I am just meeting. I can be turned on by people I've known for years, sometimes, but I usually just shave sex out of obligation with them. I HATE that about me and am going to see a psychologist for it... so all these people telling me just not to do it isn't helping what so ever. I want to understand, not just NOT do it.

Please explain how restricting sex to what sex actually is is restricting my and and body. I mean, if all those things you mentioned are sex, then I have sex with my mom, just without the physical stuff... except when she hugs me against my will. (I HATE being touched when I am upset, but she just says "I'm your mother", which to me means she should know better or care more, but whatever.)
Also under that logic I can have sex with my boyfriend without him knowing... or have sex with him while he is at work then not even touch him when he gets home. That just makes no sense to me.

[TeJoKo]

And so, your grandmother or father could be to blame. Genes are as often passed through - without the parent having the gene expressed - as they are passed on from a parent who clearly has that gene.

My point still stands. You have good company with nearly 30% of all women. And, there's sufficient scientific basis to suggest that a vaginal orgasm is indeed based in the clitoris. As such, why be concerned with clitoral stimulation during penile insertion? Why torture yourself with this [false] view of yourself as defective with ample evidence to the contrary?

Why be concerned with clitoral stimulation during penile insertion? I am not. It is everyone else who wants me to be. I want to be able to orgasm, like the 70% of NORMAL women. Clitoral stimulation during intercourse causes too much stimulation and causes me pain. Just like the g-spot.
Why does my g-spot cause me pain if it gets other women off?

[TeJoKo]

My point in posting all of this, is that whoever or whatever put the notion in your head that you are defective is plain wrong.

More backgorund... "The "two-orgasm theory" (the belief that in females there is a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm), has been criticized by feminists such as Ellen Ross and Rayna Rapp as a "transparently male perception of the female body". The concept of purely vaginal orgasm was first postulated by Sigmund Freud. In 1905, Freud argued that clitoral orgasm was an adolescent phenomenon, and upon reaching puberty the proper response of mature women changes to vaginal orgasms. While Freud provided no evidence for this basic assumption, the consequences of the theory were greatly elaborated, partly because many women felt inadequate when they could not achieve orgasm via vaginal intercourse that involved little or no clitoral stimulation. Freud's claims about this and many other biological subjects, were later largely proven false or based on supposition."

Got to love Freud, still warping minds nearly a 100 years later. (I was trained in psycho-dynamic theory - the modern incarnation of Freud's psychoanalysis so that was not a completely random comment).

And, more recently... "In 1966, Masters and Johnson published pivotal research about the phases of sexual stimulation. Their work included women and men, and unlike Alfred Kinsey earlier (in 1948 and 1953), tried to determine the physiological stages before and after orgasm. One of the results was the promotion of the idea that vaginal and clitoral orgasms follow the same stages of physical response. Masters and Johnson also argued that clitoral stimulation is the primary source of orgasms."

Same source psych wiki.

Clitoral orgasms are the bomb (or so I've been told). Enjoy them. Why worry abou the rest?

I put that notion into my head because every fucking other women I have ever talked to about it CAN do it. Some men will literally CRY because they can't make a woman cum. Some men will repeat over and over "you gonna cum for me baby" ... I almost told him to get the fuck off me after the second time I had to say "No".
Why worry about it? It's affecting my relationships. It's at least affecting my relationship with myself. It's affecting my sanity. Having to share my men with a woman who can orgasm for them drives me nuts, depresses me, and makes me hate myself. The fact that I can dress nice and she can dress like a slob and she is still the one to get hit on drives me crazy too. Why do I bother wearing a bra and uncomfortable and unhealthy feminine clothing when I can just wear a stained wife beater and get the same kind of attention? I cannot handle being the defective one... Or being the one incapable of some special ability that 70% of all other women on earth possess.

My genetics are fucked. Even more reason never to have a child. If I ever did and passed even ONE of my negative genetic effects to the kid I would hate myself for it.
Does anyone know of a country I can go to to get a hysterectomy? They won't do it here.

[MindfulAgony]

Why be concerned with clitoral stimulation during penile insertion? I am not. It is everyone else who wants me to be. I want to be able to orgasm, like the 70% of NORMAL women. Clitoral stimulation during intercourse causes too much stimulation and causes me pain. Just like the g-spot.
Why does my g-spot cause me pain if it gets other women off?

What can I tell you? You insist on making yourself miserable and I don't understand the impulse. It probably is unrelated to sex. Whether or not you'll ever be able to have a vaginal orgasm is really besides the point - it seems. The real point being how do you find fun and joy in sex (in all its forms) that seems to have not been part of your experience.

All I can hope is that some understanding comes over you that human variation is normal and that it doesn't make you defective or anything of that sort. With the a little bit of acceptance of yourself, then you have a good chance of finding the ability to thoroughly enjoy sex (I mean really find joy in sex) in the ways that feel most good to you. Being overly concerned with what other people can or cannot do is simply unproductive and a good way to make unnecessary sorrow for yourself.

Men like to know their partner has had an orgasm because of their own desire to please and, in many cases, our own insecurity. My experience is that the no vaginal orgasm women were just as sexy as the multi-orgasmic ones. Attitude, sense of fun and sexual confidence were much more attractive than if she's popping off like a top.

[Derbylicious]

That just makes me feel MORE defective.

I can't believe that having multiple vaginal orgasms isn't BETTER than having no vaginal orgasms. I doubt you will find a woman out there who wishes she didn't have vaginal orgasms. But if you do, introduce us. Maybe her logic will make sense to me.

I never said VAGINAL orgasm, just multiple orgasms, be them clitoral or vaginal.

[MindfulAgony]

OK. I just realized that a lot of this wisdom typically comes with age. So, maybe the best advice is to simply "hang in there." Age, experience, and confidence will help more than logic, sharing of experience, and cajoling ever could.

Call me slow.

[NeonKaos]

Some men will literally CRY because they can't make a woman cum. Some men will repeat over and over "you gonna cum for me baby" ... I almost told him to get the fuck off me after the second time I had to say "No".

Having to share my men with a woman who can orgasm for them

This is a HUGE turn-off for me. I hate it when men do the "you gonna cum for me baybee" thing. I don't "cum for" anyone but me. This is the most cliché, insulting, frat-boy, chauvinist line anyone could ever say to me in the throes of passion. The reason for this is because it's not about my pleasure. It's about HIS EGO. I applaud you for saying "No" and I WOULD have pushed him off me after the second time. I also don't understand why women fake orgasms for this very reason. The men who say this and think of women's orgasms as being "for them" deserve to be with the women who "fake" orgasms. Gah. To think some people go their whole lives having sex this way...

Let me guess: this makes you "feel even more defective", right?

[MrDreadful]

I'm no expert, but a lot of this sounds psychological to me... there may well be physical aspects (everyone is different, etc.) but I'm sensing a lot of negativity and low self-esteem both of which will undoubtedly affect sexual desire/response.

But yes, there is a point to sex without orgasm... sometimes it's just nice, y'know... more intimate than cuddling up, more relaxed than sex-with-orgasm... it's difficult to explain!

Also: "you gonna cum for me baby?" Seriously? Dudes actually say that? Gosh. I think Mrs. D would tell me to fuck right off if I said that to her, and rightly so!

[marksbabygirl]

Recipe:
Girl on Top
Penis in Vagina
Hitachi Magic Wand on Clit

Guaranteed.

Not guaranteed. Hitatchi irritates the FUCK out of me. I hate it.

[marksbabygirl]

Sex starts when SEX starts. Words are not sex. I don't get horny from words that come from someone I've known for years... only from people I am just meeting. I can be turned on by people I've known for years, sometimes, but I usually just shave sex out of obligation with them. I HATE that about me and am going to see a psychologist for it... so all these people telling me just not to do it isn't helping what so ever. I want to understand, not just NOT do it.

Please explain how restricting sex to what sex actually is is restricting my and and body. I mean, if all those things you mentioned are sex, then I have sex with my mom, just without the physical stuff... except when she hugs me against my will.

To comment on the *words are not sex* comment. Words are not sex but sex starts in the mind. The most important sex organ IS the mind

He can talk to me, turn me on like no tomorrow and without EVER touching me, bring me to the brink of orgasm. 10 seconds of touching and that's it - I explode all over the place.

People on here talk about clitoral stimulation a lot because orgasm through vaginal stimulation is not common.

I don't orgasm from G-spots - even though its "common" I don't squirt, even though its "common" And I have NEVER had an orgasm through vaginal penetration on its own. Clitoral stimulation is always necessary.

My suggestion to you would be to spend some time with yourself. Touch your body in different ways, figure out what DOES feel good instead of focussing on what doesn't.

Have fun with it :) And don't put so much pressure on yourself to orgasm. Sex feels good. All of it - not just the orgasm part.

[phoenix762]

I really don't have much to add, all the above posters have some excellent advice...I just want to say that I'm reading something much more than your inability to have a vaginal orgasm (and BTW, I cannot, I can SOMETIMES with stimulation beforehand, sometimes nothing helps). It seems like you are really, REALLY hard on yourself.

You are NOT defective, not by any stretch of the imagination, not at all.

Oh, and BTW, when I could not come to orgasm with my husband, at first he took it bad, he was upset that he couldn't "perform". Is it, as another poster pointed out, his ego talking? I think so. I never really thought of it that way, but, yeah, that makes sense. I would have to tell him that it wasn't HIM, it was ME, and being close to him and sharing the time together and making him happy was what mattered.

Now I suppose my wanting to make "him" happy is MY ego talking...and yeah, it is. I do have to admit it...if I didn't satisfy him, I would really feel terrible...for him, but also that I didn't do my part....interesting. I never really saw it that way before....thanks for the insight...
*slips out of thread, muddling over this concept....*

[Magdlyn]

TeJeKo, this forum isnt really for sex advice per se. But most of us here really like sex, or we wouldnt be poly, b/c sexy feelings are involved with exploring multiple partners!

I know youre in therapy and it's apparent you have low self esteem and bad feelings about your body in general. How it looks, how it works. I am sure that's affecting your ability to orgasm with your current and past partners.

The advice here has been mechanical. Touch here, touch there, clit, gspot, vibrators, etc. This article addresses the mechanics as well as the emotional component, which seems to be your main issue.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/orgasmtrouble.htm

I am sure, if you continue with therapy, your self-love and life in general will finally improve over time. Your sexual response and abilities will come along with that.

[Ariakas]

Our ex could not orgasm. Never has except on her own. She has sex because sex is fun. She likes getting laid. Period.

When and if she finds someone who she can become comfortably intimate with to have an orgasm with, she may find "just sex" is no longer worth it. :) Until then, the intimate act is the fun part.

Another thing popped into my head reading this. From yuor other posts about your distaste for vagina. I think you may need to look at your core distaste to really get comfortable in achieving orgasm through intercourse. Thats just a thought since orgasm has a lot to do with comfort (situation, self etc)...

Best of luck

Ari

[openmarriagelove]

I really think that no matter what I say you're going to have a bitter reply to it, as all of your replies here sound harsh and unappreciative of people reaching out to offer you advice, thoughts, suggestions. I see you are in therapy. Hopefully you can work out your issues there. Good luck. xoxo

[TruckerPete]

I really think that no matter what I say you're going to have a bitter reply to it, as all of your replies here sound harsh and unappreciative of people reaching out to offer you advice, thoughts, suggestions. I see you are in therapy. Hopefully you can work out your issues there. Good luck. xoxo

This.

[Tonberry]

Hi there, TeJoko!

I've only ever had orgasms during intercourse with one man, my husband. Even though, it's because my clitoris rubs against him, and I only reach orgasms with specific conditions, hardly all the time.

I don't think you're defective at all, I was talking with a friend today and she was talking about how she's never had an orgasm during intercourse, either.

You know how there is foreplay, and for guys intercourse is often the "main course"? Well that friend of mine kind of feels the other way. Intercourse for her is the "foreplay" or more the "middleplay", as her boyfriend typically gets her off once before it and once after (in various ways).
Sometimes she masturbates while he's inside. I've tried and don't like it. It "disturbs" my signals to have something inside while I'm using my hand. But if I rub my whole body against his, I get some clitoral stimulation this way.

It seems you're not interested in that, though. But from what I know, vaginal orgasm is a type of clitoral orgasm too, just with stimulating the clitoris from the inside, which rarely works by itself. And those women who can come during intercourse, how much foreplay did they get? Do they have to come once before? Do they have to get very close in other ways first?

You say "sex" but then you seem to be talking about intercourse only. That's hardly all there is about sex. Do you dislike all the rest?

For me, sex is about intimacy and sharing. Masturbation, when done on its own, doesn't provide that. Orgasms aren't essential, and I've had times before when I had sex and neither partner had an orgasm. There was still a point though, to me sex isn't about the orgasm or we'd just masturbate.

I definitely think any guy who pressures you or leads you to believe you're defective is doing it wrong. I was just reading an article the other day about how we're led to believe women should be able to come from intercourse, and women are led to believe something is wrong with them if they can't. It said that at least half the women couldn't and that meant the norm is not being able to, not the other way around.

I'll try to find the article again as I remember I found it very informative, and it seems to apply to your case.

EDIT: a few links

How to help a female partner reach orgasms (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/feature/helpwithorgasms.htm) (meant for male partners, but interesting either way)
How to reach orgasms (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/orgasmtrouble.htm) (from the same website, targeted to women)
Answer to someone asking a similar question to yours (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/female-orgasm/AN01725)
Other answer to similar question (http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1955.html)
And another one (http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_cant_orgasm_from_intercourse_and_its_ruining_my_ relationship)
Myths about female orgasms (http://www.sogc.org/health/health-myths_e.asp)

In conclusion, I think your question "how can I achieve orgasm through intercourse with no other stimulation whatsoever?" is as likely to find a satisfactory answer as "How can I relive an itch on my nose by scratching my chin?". It just doesn't work that way for most people.

[Narapela]

Dear TeJoKo,

I understand absolutely your feelings and frustrations. The fact is that only arround a third of women can reach orgasm through penetration alone with no 'exterior' (vulva) stimulation whatsoever. Less than 20% can rely on vaginal penetration alone to reach orgasm every time.
There is nothing wrong with you - perhaps there is something wrong with the lovers you choose or feel attracted to for whatever reason, or perhaps you anticipate that your sexual 'performance' will be regarded as a measure of your love for your partner.
By the way, stimulating your vulva and external clitoris (or anything else) by your own hand while making love (or before making love, as part of private or partnered pleasure/ foreplay) is not masturbation - it is part of true love-making. The ultimate goal of love-making should not be orgasm for either partner.
(For the sake of information - masturbation used to be a taught art in many cultures as a necessary skil for self-loving)
To me orgasm and the effort to reach it is the ultimate vulnerability. I have also 'fucked' a great many men (and women) mostly without love being present in a real way and in 99% of times with no orgasm (I am damn good at faking it for the sake of ending it). No, I have never had a vaginal only orgasm.
The idea of the vaginal-only orgasm is perpetuated by commercial porn. While I am sex-positive, I hope that the truly sex-positive will eventually make true sex as performed by true amateurs (very few) the preferred porn by the informed for the uninformed.
I also believe that real and patient masturbation and experimentation without guilt, catalysed by an essential need to love oneself, may feed one's ability to respond to / be vulnerable to the physical love of another - if the fears are spoken.
Also know, that in my (embarassingly vast) experience of pleasuring others I have found that women who cannot reach orgasm by penetration alone (like me), often reach much stronger orgasms and are most likely to be multi-orgasmic, perhaps with some greater effort.
This may be a fleeting statement - but it is my experiential view.

As usual, I am babbling, and it probably became contradictory and confusing..
Please feel free to contact me.
I have to admit that I have not read most of the replies to your original quote and do not know whether I am repeating or conflicting anything mentioned by members earlier.

Tender regards,
I

[Krazykitty]

I thought the whole "vaginal orgasm" thing was a Freud nitpick to make chicks feel bad about themselves (no offense intended, sigmund). I can't recall an orgasm I've had without mucho, mucho clit banging involved. I always think of my clit as a tiny, tiny penis, you know the occasional guy whose penis head cannot be touched? That's like my clit. Touching the head of the little thing kills me!!! but mooshing the "foreskin" around the clit area is soooo great! Maybe taking a little time to get to know your clitty (and think of it as a mini penis, that helped me with the anatomy soo much!) will help with the pain/sensitivity issues you seem to have. The "foreskin" play is so nice during straight intercourse (can't have my legs up in the air is a problem though, foreskin can't be tight!) and works most of the time! Since we're ALL so very sexually different and diverse, I've tried to not feel bad about it either!! Good luck. :)

[Athena]

I had a long spell (fourteen years) that I was on medication that prevented any sexual satisfaction, even from masturbation, and it really quenched my interest in truly romantic rather than platonic relationships. I didn't see a point in having some one be stuck with a sex drive and a partner who didn't see much point in being sexy.
That being said, I do currently have a very loving and satisfying relationship with my husband, and we have a 7 month old child. Sometimes, thanks to some med changes, I do have a powerful sexual experience (not necessarily inclusive of orgasm, but with a great deal of pleasure), and since it is actually all due to meds that all existed these past fourteen years I say what a waste that no one paid attention to my sexual complaints and never did anything for them!
However, it seems you have actually no problem with having orgasm (can get it with a pocket rocket - so no physical defect). You are able to be excited by people who are new, but not those you are emotionally intimate with. I would suggest stop trying to force physical intimacy. Enjoy emotionally intimate friendships, and keep working in therapy on why you can't be physically joyful in your emotional relationships, and why sex seems like such a mechanical thing in general to you.

[just3]

To comment on the *words are not sex* comment. Words are not sex but sex starts in the mind. The most important sex organ IS the mind

He can talk to me, turn me on like no tomorrow and without EVER touching me, bring me to the brink of orgasm. 10 seconds of touching and that's it - I explode all over the place.

People on here talk about clitoral stimulation a lot because orgasm through vaginal stimulation is not common.

I don't orgasm from G-spots - even though its "common" I don't squirt, even though its "common" And I have NEVER had an orgasm through vaginal penetration on its own. Clitoral stimulation is always necessary.

My suggestion to you would be to spend some time with yourself. Touch your body in different ways, figure out what DOES feel good instead of focussing on what doesn't.

Have fun with it :) And don't put so much pressure on yourself to orgasm. Sex feels good. All of it - not just the orgasm part.


I agree with this. It does start in the mind. Lots of days I get turned on more than anything with the words. Relaxing and letting go helps with orgasms at all. If im tense its not gonna happen. Sometimes S will give me a nice long back rub first. And during the backrub theres teasing thrown in. I am also one of those who do not squirt or have g spot Os. I have to have the clitoral stimulation. Sometimes it takes longer than others. Sometimes its quick. S and my bf focus on me first. Which I believe is the sweetest thing. Mainly because they know that they are going to cum no matter what lol. And well it takes me a min. But its a guarantee that I will orgasm first. But like I said only clitoral will do it. I have never had a multiple. (maybe soon heehee) but thats because Im super sensitive afterwards and could never relax a second time. I love that Im cherished by both S and bf. Not everyones bodies work the same when it comes to having the big O. It took me years to relax enough to have one. And that was giving them to myself. I had a very rough past where sex was taken and for me to relax to enjoy the act took me a long time. There are many times that I dont orgasm still. But thats my choice. Days I just want to pleasure S. He might pout for a minute about the fact I just want to pleasure him, but honestly, it pleases me to make him cum. I dont have to have one everytime.
Anyways, just had to give my encouragement that it can happen. But its not going to be the same for you as it is your mom and sis. Hell I dont even wanna know how my siblings O !eek. Everyones different and its finding what pleases you and makes you feel good, and being able to relax and trust in the fact someone else is taking care of you. Dont stress yourself out trying to figure out why your not. Thats going to make it harder for you to achieve that elusive orgasm.

[Breathesgirl]

Hello and welcome.

There ARE medical conditions which cause sex to be painful no matter what position, no matter what is used. I would suggest a physical check up with your gyno doc to rule out any physical problems.

For the last six years of her life sex was painful for my Mom. My parents stopped having sex because of this. My dad talked to the doctor the other day to find out if her cancer could have been the cause of this. The doc said it was a distinct possibility.

My mom was a very private person so wouldn't bring this up with her doctor therefore it was never looked after. If she had brought it up when sex first became painful she might be alive today.

Yes, you need to get the psychological aspect looked after but please get the physical looked after as well. Maybe the cover on your clit is missing or doesn't quite cover the clit which would cause painful stimulation. Please, get yourself checked out. I would hate to have someone else miss a big problem because they couldn't talk to their doctor about sexual problems.

As for what's the purpose or point of sex. For me it's the added level of intimacy, the mental/emotional connection. There is absolutely no way I have an orgasm every single time I have sex, not even 1 in 10 times! There are times when I get very little out of sex at all but I do it because it's not all about me. His needs need to be met as well. If either of my boyfriends want sex & we have the time I'll oblige simply because they oblige me when I need it and they don't. I love them both & for me doing something simply because it's something they want right then and there is part of who I am. It doesn't always work this way but when we have the time and the need, why not? There are many more ways to have sex than simply insertion.

[MonoVCPHG]

Sex without orgasm is completely worth it for me. I view sex as a way to communicate intimate love. When i am inside RP I feel a cycle of energy flowing from the points of our touch Without orgasme the "intimate conversation" actually lasts longer LOL! Neither one of us require an orgasm each time we are sexual but of course we do enjoy them:)

[Onysablet]

Sex is really a journey. orgasm is sometimes a destination but not always. you can 'get off' on psychological stuff just as easily as having sex. for me the psychological experience is almost more important than actually having physical contact, that important, but not what turns me on. maybe you need to take a step back and understand two things: Sex is not just about you. its a joint effort between people, not a single marathon just for you to run alone. and two: you need not orgasm to enjoy sexual activity.
you should try some other psychological sexual activity like, BD, SM, dress up, roll play, ect...
don't make the sex about you and your perceived dysfunction. so you cannot have a vaginal orgasm, so what me too. make your sex about what you can enjoy. otherwise you will never have good sex because you are too wrapped up in your own head trip. i just get off on making my partner feel good, orgasms not necessary. find some other ways to enjoy sexual activity, or don't and be non sexual.
if you loose a leg, you might not be able to run like a normal person, but with effort and perseverance, you can win a race in a wheel chair.
never focus on the CANNOT. that puts up a wall. Focus on what you CAN do and work with that, Bend and remember your partner is a person with needs too. good luck...