Ms Kitty's Polyamory Blog

[MsKtty89]

I have always felt that one man wasn't enough for me. I can't say it's been strictly a physical urge or strictly an emotionally urge, but definitely a combination of the two on various levels.

I have people in my life that I can honestly say I love, some of which I can see having a relationship with and others I can't.

I married my husband, Joshua, a little over a year ago. We met online when I was 15 and he was barely 18. When I was 16, I got pregnant with twins. Not long after their birth, we gave them up for adoption. I have never had the urge to be a mother and, four years later, I still don't. My husband has accepted that. Him and I have gone through many highs and lows before we finally tied the knot.

Now, a year into the marriage, we are very comfortable and happy with each other. We've grown together, matured, and know the other person as well as we know ourselves. I feel confident in saying we are an extremely happy couple with a wonderful relationship.

My husband is in the National Guard, he joined not long before I met him. This year, he was supposed to be done with his six-year enlistment, but his unit was going mobile and he got an extension to go with them (for financial reasons), so he will not be done until next year after the deployment.

My husband left July 30th and I had been "good" for the first few weeks, until I met up with my friend (we'll call him M).

I had met M a few years ago when Joshua and I were going through a rough time and split for a little while. M was a virgin and I helped show him a few things. We never dated, but had an intimate relationship, although M describes himself as homosexual. M got busy with work, as did I, so we didn't see each other much after Joshua and I got back together and moved.

I turned 21 and M finally had a better schedule to hang out, especially since I quit my job of two years. We decided to go to dinner in celebration and head back to my place. I don't think I need to spell the rest out.

By the next time M and I were together, he found out his work transfer was granted and he was to move in a few short weeks to Florida. There is a guy that he is seeing that lives there and they want to give a relationship a shot. M and I had a couple more "dates" since I found out he was leaving and finally I had a dream about Joshua, M, and I all being together... I knew I loved M and didn't want to have to hide that, but I love Joshua unconditionally and was afraid to lose him. I decided to use my dream to approach Joshua.

I told him about it and said, "Maybe it means we're all supposed to be together." At first he thought I was kidding, so I added, "Maybe I'm using this to bring it up without being awkward..." That's when Joshua knew I was serious. I was very scared he'd be upset! But, much to MY surprise, Joshua was very supportive of the idea and confessed he had similar feelings for our friend M.

I told Joshua that I had been unfaithful the past couple weeks and he understood and was not upset. We told M how we felt and told him that we would like to include him in our relationship, because we love him.

It took a bit for M to realize we were serious. At this point, it's my understanding that he's a bit torn on the issue. He feels he still wants to visit the man in Florida and give that relationship a try. Joshua and I agreed that he should go... We don't want him to hate us for stopping him or regret not going.

So now, we are waiting... M and I still plan to spend some time together before he goes and M and Joshua have been flirting as well. Joshua and I are determined to wait for M to come back, as we feel he will be back for us (long story as to M and the Florida boy and why we think it won't work...).

We have discussed the finances, physical, and emotional sides of this. None of us want children.

I told our closest friends about the situation, how we feel, and what we would like to accomplish. All of our friends are supportive, except one. He is taking it very personal and is upset that I cheated on Joshua, even though Joshua is not at all mad. He is also upset that we want to have a relationship with M and that I have had success with M as this friend was shot down by M.

I hope our friend, we'll call him J, comes around... I don't want to lose a friend over this, especially since we don't feel it's something that should affect him. It's our relationship. We just didn't want to lie to him.

[MsKtty89]

Today will be the first day I see M since everyone came clean about how they feel. Even on that day, it was all spilled via phone, so I'm very excited to see M in person.

I will update more later, after M has gone.

[MsKtty89]

I would really have to be able to love this theoretical girl quite a lot to get to the point where I would really, truly be okay with Michael loving her that much as well.

Source: http://polyspace.wordpress.com/2008/03/page/3/

I think this is very well put and explains a lot why I am perfectly okay with Joshua loving M, because I love him very much.

[Tonberry]

I'm enjoying reading your story and rooting for you guys.

Quick question: if it does work out between M and his friend, have you considered STILL giving the triad a shot? After all there isn't a number limit with polyamory :p If you'd be comfortable with M also having that relationship, if M feels able to juggle three relationship, and if M's friend is fine with it, it could also work out.

Might be a lot of "if"s, but I was wondering if you had considered it. Polyamory often means you don't have to choose between two or more relationships, if everyone is on board, and that is also the case here.

[MsKtty89]

Hey Tonberry. :)

I don't know that we're that sharing, LOL. The bigger issue is M's friend would never allow M to be with us and probably will never know any of this. He can't handle it. :( I personally am not comfortable with a party involved that's not really involved (a boyfriend/girlfriend for Joshua or M that I don't also love). Make sense? (Typing on phone, haha.)

The good news today, J apologized for his reaction and we are speaking again!

[Tonberry]

That's great about J!

Also, that makes sense, I guess, you're only interested in a relationship where everyone would be involved with everyone. Due to everyone being straight in my network, that's not something that could happen in my case, but I can definitely understand.
I was just clarifying that point, as you can't be sure with polyamory :p Thanks for setting that straight :)

[MsKtty89]

Glad it made sense! Yes, I can see how that wouldn't work with everyone being straight. I am a straight female, my husband is bisexual, and my friend is homosexual, but him and I "click." ;) If things were to not work with M and we decided to find someone else, it would need to be a similar situation for me to feel okay. And being that comfortable with anyone is hard for me. I am very happy to be that comfortable with not only my husband, but with M. I can't imagine it being someone else at this point.

[MsKtty89]

I just got done seeing M. Joshua wanted me to tell him, to his face, that I love him. It's been suggested and we were honest in saying we want a relationship with him, but I couldn't bring myself to say it to his face that I'm in love with him. I was so nervous! We cuddled and Joshua ended up calling M while I laid on M's chest, turning away, red-faced. Joshua is definitely braver than I am when it comes to this stuff and I try really hard to be brave! He told M how we both love him very much and want him happy.

I started to cry as M hung up with Joshua. It wasn't a sad cry, just a "I'm so nervous we're going to freak you out" sort of cry. M hugged me tight and had told us both he appreciates it. I apologized a lot and he said it's fine, really. He kissed me a lot and rubbed my back and was reassuring.

M had to go, he had a long day at work and has to open tomorrow, so I was lucky for him to stop by at all. I felt bad taking his time, but he said he enjoys hanging out and cuddling, not to worry.

I don't think we changed anything, but we made the step to make sure M is fully aware of how we feel going into anything. I don't expect him to decide to not move or anything crazy and keep telling Joshua the same, but I do hope he remembers that we're here for him and want to be with him, whole-heartedly.

I texted M after he left and asked him the tough question I couldn't in person: "You love us as only friends, huh? It's okay, but I need to know..." He replied: "I love ya guys, hun." :D I don't wanna be too analytical, as I know I could point out that he didn't specifically say in what way, but I am thinking positively.

[MsKtty89]

The morning after is feeling as sweet as last night. I'm still giddy.

I have been keeping three of my friends informed of what's going on, but am not giving up a bunch of details to J. We are on good terms again, since his apology, but I don't think he's ready to talk openly about all of this. I have told Joshua and our friends to not be telling everyone else about what's going on. M doesn't want a bunch of people to know and I'm not sure he realizes our friends already know. I realize that while he still has the intention to move and has feelings for that guy in Florida, he won't be able to be fully open with us.

I hope to see M this afternoon, when he's off work, but we'll see. I already talked to Joshua this morning on the phone and will be texting him throughout the day. I think, even though we are not an official triad yet, that I am feeling a little NRE. The relationship may not be fully defined yet, but it's still a relationship... M and I have gotten much closer and Joshua and M are quickly building a better bond as well. Joshua and I are as close as ever and this is just making us stronger, I've realized.

The empty feeling I would have throughout my days is feeling less overwhelming since this honesty started.

[MsKtty89]

M and I planned to see each other last night, but M was feeling ill. He thinks the stress at work was making him sick. I'm going to try for tonight instead. :)

[MsKtty89]

I didn't hear from M until I was going to bed, as was he. He was with a friend (one who is going through a lot of rough times right now), which is why he didn't answer. I know this person and used to consider them my friend, too, so I completely understood.

M is off at 4:00PM today, so much more time to maybe get dinner... I am wanting to cook hamburgers. :)

[MsKtty89]

Finally saw M last night. We grilled burgers and hotdogs (yay leftovers!) and watched TV and cuddled, etc. We talked a bit more about everything... He's moving Friday or Saturday (he's not sure which day he'll drive off yet). We keep slowly discussing how things would work if all three of us were together. He said it's weird with Joshua, just because he has never seen this side of him before--he's very forward. We agreed that that's a good thing, though. ;)

While cuddling he talked about his Florida-boy and I told him how I do want him happy, but I don't want him to go. He told me I'm adorable and he'll miss me. Doesn't change the fact that he's still leaving, but was nice to hear.

We're supposed to get together again this week before he leaves...

[MsKtty89]

Well, M leaves tomorrow, unless for some reason he's decided to stay until Saturday. But, he was fixing his car up yesterday and said it'll make it for sure, plus is already packed. Hopefully I get to see him this evening when he gets off work.

[MsKtty89]

M is on the road to Florida. I did get to see him Thursday night for a short while and say my goodbyes, so that was something. I texted him after to tell him I love him and he said he loves me, too. I also told him to let Joshua and I know that he makes it there safe.

I don't think it's hit me yet that he's gone. :(

[Tonberry]

I'm sorry, MsK :( It must be harsh seeing him go. I hope everything will work out fine!

[MsKtty89]

Thanks, Tonberry.

I can't honestly say if I want him happy in Florida or if I want him miserable so he'll come home soon. :( I guess it's a bit of both and I feel bad that I wish the latter at all.

He did say in a few months he'll try and fly back to visit. Joshua gets to come home for a couple weeks in March, so I'm hoping M can visit around that time and all three of us can be in person with each other.

[MsKtty89]

M has been posting his journey on Facebook, so everyone can tell where he's at. Joshua got him to text a few times, but he's not replying to me and it's bothering me. :(

[MsKtty89]

Finally heard from M briefly last night. He should be arriving at his destination today.

[MsKtty89]

So, M made it there safely and is very happy. I guess things are going really well so far (I expect him to be having his own NRE for a while... how long does that last?).

I feel happy for him, but at the same time very, very sad and am trying not to cry over it. I'm trying to stay a supportive friend above all else, which is very hard!

[Tonberry]

NRE lasts different amount of times for every relationship, so it's hard to tell! I hope you'll be fine, I'm sure it's hard for him to be away when you don't know if you'll ever "get him back", if I'm making sense. Good luck!

[MsKtty89]

It does make sense and that's exactly it. We're confidant he'll be back, but we can't say when. He updated me that his first night in Florida went really well. That's awesome, but makes me worried!

[Tonberry]

Well, you know what they say... You've got to let them go, set them free :) I definitely think it was the best course of action in your situation.

[MsKtty89]

Yes, "If you love someone, set them free." I told Joshua that and he said, "No, you should beat them, drag them back, and chain them in the basement." He was kidding, of course! ;) Thanks, Tonberry, you are a very pleasant person to talk to!

Joshua suggested we try dating in the meantime... I don't feel ready for anything serious, but I guess building connections doesn't hurt, right? I joined OKCupid and have been slowly adding to my profile and trying to include a lot about Joshua as well. I really can't imagine "replacing" M, but I'm trying to not think of it like that and just try to meet new people, even as friends.

I have had a little bit of texting contact with M lately, which is good. I guess for him to keep in touch at all right now, during the most exciting time of the move, is something to be appreciated. :)

[MsKtty89]

Well, I sorta texted with M tonight. It was very broken, he had an interview (not fully sure the details as he transferred for work, so I think it was for a higher position) and told me he was cooking while his boyfriend, we'll call him JB, was playing piano (how lovely.... -___-#). I asked him if he'll text a bit tonight because I miss him and asked for a picture of him (as I realized I don't have one on my phone) and he said, "In a bit <3". I have not heard back...

Joshua will be without his phone for a little while. He's not training in the field like the infantry guys, but because they can't have their phones, NOBODY can. He isn't sure for how long, he called long enough to say it was being taken away. :(

I feel very lonely tonight...

[Tonberry]

I'm sorry you feel lonely :( I know how it can be as my husband works 18 hour shifts and my boyfriend is a long-distance relationship (and his shifts can be just as long).
I hope you find ways to keep busy, it usually helps me if I do things for them (whether it's chores and feels like I'm doing it partially for my husband, partially for me, or working on a gift for one of them, or planning out our future and projects, etc).

It's a bit harder for you I assume since Joshua is deployed and therefore not around (so chores probably feel less like they have anything to do with him) and your situation with M is "on hold" so projects are hard to make... But I hope you can find something that will work for you!

[MsKtty89]

Thanks, Tonberry. :) You really are an awesome support right now.

You're right that the chores feel more "for me" right now and it's hard to do anything for M because of JB...

I'm actually getting to text with M this morning. I guess JB is at work, so M has some time (as he hasn't gone back to work himself yet). He said things are going great with JB and I've been honest with how I feel, telling him I'm happy and sad both. He said he does mean it when he said he loves us, he just wants to be with JB more right now and is hoping it will last. I'm starting to think it would be easier if JB were into poly relationships and we just try to all share. :P I don't think he would be, though, and I don't think M would even attempt to ask... And I don't know if M would want that.

So complicated...

Adding something a little positive... Although off-topic of relationships... I have been passively looking for a job, so by the time Joshua returns I am not still unemployed, and there is an opening at one of the video game stores, so I put an application in. :)

[MsKtty89]

I am horrible at being on my own. :/ With M unable to talk much while around JB and Joshua without a phone, I feel so lonely... I miss my boys.

*EDIT: And I am getting sick of seeing the FB updates and comments between M and JB... YOU ARE RIGHT THERE WITHE EACH OTHER. That is all...

[MsKtty89]

So, I told my dad very basically that Joshua is bisexual and we have feelings for the same friend and are trying to make it a three-person thing. He said, "That's your personal life, Dear. You do what you feel is right." So that was good. :) We didn't talk more on it, but I just wanted him to be aware.

[MonoVCPHG]

So, I told my dad very basically that Joshua is bisexual and we have feelings for the same friend and are trying to make it a three-person thing. He said, "That's your personal life, Dear. You do what you feel is right." So that was good. :) We didn't talk more on it, but I just wanted him to be aware.

It's great to see some people can be so accepting :)

[MsKtty89]

Yes. I guess I didn't expect any less, but I still worried of disappointing him. :P It will be a while before I say anything to my mother and I don't know if Joshua will ever tell his family... They aren't accepting of most things in general.

[MsKtty89]

Well, I got to talk to Joshua for a few minutes (thank you, pay-phone, for existing). I thought I posted that, but I guess not.

I got a text from M this afternoon, he just thought to say hi and told me he liked a drawing I sent him a pic of yesterday. :) I thought it was sweet, given I am usually the one to start our conversations lately.

[Ragabash]

Thanks, Tonberry. :) You really are an awesome support right now.


She is awesome, Sean and I are two very lucky men. :)

[MsKtty89]

Ha ha, Ragabash, it does seem so!

In general, I am very pleased with how welcoming everyone is here. Any forum where I can ask advice about my relationship, show off my tattoos, discuss masturbation, and learn more about others is pretty friggin' sweet. :P Ha ha...

[MsKtty89]

So, M texted me a bit ago... I guess two days ago he put a new radiator in his car, but today his car died and he had to push it two miles to get it home. He's freaking because he's not sure how he'll get it fixed. I told him to look into buses, etc. I guess his work is sorta screwing him over, too, because they haven't told him when he can start yet.

I tried to be supportive and talk to him about it a bit. I guess I'm glad that he thought to text me in his time of need... Although there's nothing I can really do about it.

[MsKtty89]

I haven't heard from Joshua since the other day. I really miss him. :(

I heard from M briefly today. I guess his car is still broken down and he still hasn't figured out what's wrong with it. I'm a bit worried what he'll do if he can't get it fixed, or even if he does, if his work ends up screwing him over. If he's going to come home, I'd rather it be for positive reasons, not because something forced him... And I am not even sure he considers coming back an option.

[MsKtty89]

Okay, so I totally told my mom today. She commented on my Facebook about me being down and said I can call home if I want. I ended up catching her on Facebook IM, so this is the convo...

Me: Hey mom.

Me: Helloooooo.

Peggy: I'm in class right now. What's up.

Me: Well, you shouldn't be on Facebook then. I was just gonna tell you what's going on.

Peggy: I am kinda doing my work. It is work at your own pace so I can do what I want.

Me: Oooh. Well, you want me to tell you now or not then?

Peggy: Up to you.

Me: Okay... I guess I'll try to simplify it here, ha ha... So... My friend, M, moved like a week or so ago. He is now in Florida with his boyfriend, JB. I'm not the only one that thinks him moving was a bad idea, to say the least. Anyway, this friend is one that Joshua and I both really care about. I'm pretty sure I told you Joshua is bisexual? Well anyway, Joshua and I both had "more than friend" feelings for M and are down that he left... Look up "polyamory" sometime, it may make more sense. Basically, Joshua and I were sorta "dating" M, but then he moved to be with this guy.

Peggy: Well, maybe it will be better for your marrige in the long run. ?

Me: To not have M around?
Joshua and I have talked about it a lot and to cover questions, it's not an "open marriage," nor are we "swingers." We both had feelings for the same persona and were both involved with said person. Just saying.
(And I know some true swingers, not something I'd want! Ha ha)

Peggy: Maybe M has decided to become all the way gay and not be bisexual any more. He has to do what is best for him. He knows you and Josh have each other for support (even with Josh away right now).

Me: He was sorta seeing his boyfriend, JB, the whole time... It's complicated. M really is gay, but him and I have... History... So I've been the "exception." LOL. Trying to spare details, but basically I took his v-card a few years ago, so we're pretty close.
We just are upset that he moved to be with a guy he hadn't ever lived with before or anything. Right now he's having car issues from driving 25 hours down there and his work transfer is sorta not working out right.

Me: (Sorry to just throw it all out there. I told Dad, sorta, what's going on, too)

Peggy: Time will heal all the pain. You just have to be strong and supportive to your friend. If it doesn't work out for him, I am sure he will be back.

Me: Yeah, he already said he loves us, too, but wants to give this whole Florida experience a go and will be back if it doesn't work and then we can try this again. Just makes me sad that he's already having issues, relationship or not.
(And thanks for understanding)
By the way, you met M, the one with the piercings I used to live with. Ha ha.

Peggy: The one with the stockings on?

Me: No, that was Adam, he's crazy and we don't talk really anymore.
[LINK REMOVED]
That one.

Peggy: I don't remember him. He is the one who was helping you get rides to places and things?

Me: Uhm, he was one of them. I lived with him and Barron, Barron helped, too. I remember you got upset with M because I got piercings and you said it was his fault or something, ha ha. Not sure how serious you were.
Oh well, point is that's him.

Peggy: OK.

Me: So yeah, that's why I was feeling down last night and if you ever see me refer to "both" or something that doesn't really sound like a Joshua thing, that's why. Now you're in the loop. Other than Joshua not having his phone right now, we're great.

Peggy: I should probably get to work. Will chat with you again later. I will log onto facebook at home when I get the chance or you can call me after 2:30 if you want.

Me: Okay, talk then!

Also, my mom and I didn't really get along when I lived at home, nor immediately after I moved out, but over the past few years, we were able to rebuild a relationship. I am very happy that we're to the point that I can tell her this and she was understanding. :'D

[MsKtty89]

I'm not sure what to think of M today. That sounds negative, but it was actually a good morning. He texted me right away this morning and I replied when I got up. We chatted a bit and he was very flirty and when he had to leave (as JB was coming home and we still don't text much when he's there) he told me he loved me first, whereas I usually am the one to say it and sometimes I don't even get a reply (I assume because JB is there, usually). I was pleasantly surprised by his actions. :)

Still haven't heard from Joshua since the last call... :(

[Tonberry]

I was away for a week, catching up right now. It's great that you told your mom! I hope it all goes well, and she sounds supportive.
I hope things will go well for M, I agree that you wouldn't want him to be forced to go back, and potentially always wonder "what if", it needs to be a decision he makes on his own, not something he's forced to do.

I hope you'll hear from Joshua soon!

[MsKtty89]

Thanks, Tonberry. :) I did hear from Joshua yesterday, he should have his phone back for good on Friday.

Joshua mentioned us dating other people instead of waiting for Mac to MAYBE come home, and I was against it at first... But sorta met someone. That situation is complicated in and of itself, but the point is there's potential for us to be with someone else. I haven't been able to tell Joshua much (due to lack of phone and a very brief conversation yesterday), but I am thinking/hoping he'll be happy to hear about it. :)

[Tonberry]

Good luck :) Gotta make the best of what life throws at you I guess.

[MsKtty89]

Indeed. But, my friend (who originally is the one that had issues with this whole thing) is no longer my friend as of today. He freaked out over me liking this guy and now this person is associating me with the drama of my ex-friend. *Sigh*

[MsKtty89]

I got to talk to this guy via text last night when he got off work. Him and I are still cool as friends and actually have plans to hang out on Sunday. He said he's not interested because he doesn't find me attractive physically (ouch, but he did say he was sorry to be so honest) and me being married doesn't work for him. He can't help if he doesn't feel it and if he isn't interested in a poly lifestyle. So friends it is. :P

I told M what's going on and, while he was busy, he did say he was sorry.

[MsKtty89]

Joshua has his phone back and now I can't get a hold of M. *Rolls eyes* :P

[MsKtty89]

M started work, although he doesn't like it any better there than he liked it here. I don't hear from him too much right now, but I know work is to blame.

I get to see Joshua for two days this weekend in New Orleans!! :D

[Tonberry]

Yay! Glad you get to see Joshua soon :) Hope you'll get more contact with M as well, you must be feeling quite lonely!

[MsKtty89]

I definitely am not used to be home alone so much, Tonberry... And having both boys away is rough at times. But, I have some awesome friends, which really helps. :)

I texted M last night and he was surprisingly responsive and friendly. I told Joshua that I really wonder how great things really are there, just because I expected a lot more NRE to happen so that we'd hear a lot less from him (and I thought he'd stop admitting he missed us since he has JB to occupy his time). I guess I thought I had things all figured out and I was wrong, but I can't say whether I was wrong in a good way or bad way yet. :o

I start moving towards seeing Joshua on Friday night, as we're driving to Kansas City to fly out of there on Saturday. Exciting!