View Full Version : All kinds of love.
12-28-2012, 05:54 PM
So yesterday the kids and I decided to go eat lunch at my work(I work in chinese food). We sat down and while we were eating, my amigo from the kitchen came out and sat down with us and we were talking, and he held my hand under the table, and both kids decided to give him hell right there. They started in on the "Ohhhhh you're in looovvveeeee" and "I know what you are! BF/GF!" and while it was cute and funny, they embarrassed him a little, and he took it like a champ. After he went back to the kitchen, I asked my daughter(who is 7 going 30) what if I had another boyfriend? She said "That's cheating, you only date one person at a time" and i gave her a smile and said, "What if daddy knows about it? Is it okay then?" and she shrugged her shoulders and didn't bring it up again.
I want to talk to her more about it, simply because I do plan on seeing others and I don't want to limit them to a monogamous life, where they only date one person at a time. I want them to be able to choose how they want to love. But Ben doesn't want to bring it up to them, we've had this argument over sexuality, as far as who can they love? I said it's okay to love a woman and a man the same. Ben just wants to shut the whole conversation down and wait until they are older. the kids are 7(8 in feb.) and 9. I think they are plenty old enough to know about the different kinds of love that people can have for each other.
Am I on the right track with this? I feel I am doing the right thing by not limiting them to one person, one gender, and allowing them to freedom to love anyone regardless of gender, and to love as many as they want.
12-28-2012, 10:08 PM
Am I on the right track with this?
Yeah, I think you're on exactly the right track with this.
Here's how I see it.: Kids of all ages pick up on "How Things Are" and "How Things Should Be" from the surrounding socity / culture. The surrounding culture tends to be presented as if it were monolithic--, as if the popular "norms" were the only valid way of "How Things Are / Should Be". Especially to young children. And so the young children basically end up believing in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus [or monogamism and heterosexism] (etc.) because these are the defalut settings.
This is a disservice to our children. It protects them from nothing, though parents (and teachers, etc.) engage in this false image of a cultural monolith on the grounds of protecting the little ones. It would be better to teach the kids the truth: That ours is a diverse socity / culture and there are MANY valid ways of loving and living. Difference does not equate with "wrong" or "bad" or "evil". That's what the kids need to know -- and that they can choose from a menu of valid options.
PS -- Wow! You're 21 and have a seven year old daughter?! Amazing.
12-29-2012, 01:30 AM
I'm glad that I'm not alone in this.
They aren't biologically mine, but no other woman claims to be their mommy.
12-29-2012, 10:05 PM
I actually think the more kids are exposed to situations which are outside the "cultural norm" and those situations are expressed positively (ie: a mother showing love/affection for more than one partner) it encourages the kids to grow up to be far more tolerant and accepting of people living "outside the cultural norm" themselves.
There was a study done on this kind of thing at once point, if I recall but I think it focused on children of LGBT parents. Sounds like you are handling it very well.
12-29-2012, 11:09 PM
Kids are way more perceptive than we give them credit for - they are paying attention to details and soaking up "life lessons" that we don't even know they are paying attention to.
(The rest of my post got a bit long so I moved it over to my "Notebook" blog here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=174662#post174662).)
12-30-2012, 07:27 PM
It'll always be a situation of too young to someone. It's just how it works. Everyone is different. I've always been a bit more open to things and able to comprehend things outside the norm. Chances are, around nine, I could have understood at least the over all concept. My brother, on the other hand, still wouldn't even at 33. Lol
12-30-2012, 07:45 PM
My kid goes to OWL and has since Kindergarten.
Our Whole Lives:
It is age appropriate sex / relationship ed. And you layer it on each time so it goes a bit further out. You can order it from the bookstore (http://www.uuabookstore.org/) do do at home if you wanted to.
I think it's the time to start layering. *shrug* But I do not coparent with you. You have to arrive at the happy medium for the children you both coparent.
The UUpoly "Love Makes a family" unit is still in field testing to my knowledge.
But it is coming... and could be a potential future resource for your family.
Kids learn whatever they are offered to learn, intentional or not.
Question is -- what do you guys want to teach? When? And How? And is it going to come at the time that your KID needs to know it or not?
Those are talks to have with your coparent. Balance all the needs and wants and limits and make the plan there.