This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating) [Archive]

TruckerPete

08-13-2010, 05:48 AM

Well duh.

Indigo and I just had another chat. It was good and productive, like all of our chats have been since we've started down the rabbit hole. But I'm tired of talking and crying and talking and crying right now, despite the good results.

Alright. I lie. I'm just plain tired. I'm actually truly glad we're doing this; we're learning a great deal about ourselves, each other, and we're strengthening our relationship. I have every expectation that this is one of those long term payouts. I'm not a patient person, and I have the sinking feeling that I am actually learning patience! :rolleyes:

Was life easier when I had only friends with benefits? Oh hell yeah. But it was also shallower, a testing the waters before we took "the plunge" sort of thing.

And aside from the benefits to our relationship, I've already experienced a one-more-shoulder-to-cry-on moment.

Long background story short: Mother, with whom I already have a strained relationship, called Sunday to tell me that she will not be attending our wedding in February. Our wedding that she has known about for over a year. Why? It's going to interfere too much with her schooling. Aside from the obvious hurt this has caused, it also served to validate multitudes of incidents from childhood where I was placated or told that I was just imagining (what I have since accepted to be) her emotional abuse. Despite years of therapy, I was still holding a scrap of hope inside that my childhood was one big misunderstanding. That dam broke this week.

So Indigo has held me while I wept. And has been his usual comforting self. He also let Mother know how he feels about her ... which was a long time coming. He's never said a bad thing to her. This was all anticipated comfort, and much appreciated.

Unanticipated comfort: I dragged my ass from bed to see Mr. A out of a sense of obligation. I found a concerned, loving boyfriend. We had a beer. He listened to me rant. He encouraged me, when I felt I was talking about myself too much. Added benefit, he is so far removed from the situation that my irrational mind can't dismiss him saying, "You're right to feel this way" and allow me to ninja myself into another spiral of hurty angriness.

Unexpected benefits: Upon returning from Mr. A's, I felt ... better! And who else benefitted from this? Indigo! On normal occassions when I feel like garbage, I tend to take the route of sleeping it off. But instead, Indigo got an hour or two of Happy Natasha (not to mention much needed lovings of his own) before I went to bed for the night.

So, when we started this, I had no illusions that I'd just go out and find a few BFs and GFs, Indigo would find a few GFs, we'd get a unicorn, and then we'd all live together, (happily ever after, of course!), in a free-loving tribe. But I also didn't really know what to expect.

After just a mere month, I have so much MORE respect for the happy people on here. You've clearly earned it!

Into the rabbit hole; I can't wait to see where it goes. This shit's a lot of work! :D

TruckerPete

08-13-2010, 06:11 AM

Dear self,

Go to bed. You're not accomplishing anything right now, as you're too tired to be struck by wonderful insight whilst nosing around on the forum.

Much love,

You.

FormerUnicorn

08-13-2010, 06:17 AM

Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn

TruckerPete

08-13-2010, 11:01 AM

Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn

Heehee! Thanks FU*, I did take my own advice!

*Needed to make this reference once myself. Scratched that itch. Thank you!

TruckerPete

08-17-2010, 03:32 PM

Mr. A came over for dinner last night with Indigo and I. It was the first time they'd had any extended interaction together.

It went really well. We watched some TV and laughed at the funny bits. (All of us have a similar sense of humour.) We watched Jeopardy, and sometimes they laughed at me. I have very narrow pop culture knowledge, and apparently some answers were obvious, because they both said them right away. :p It feels good to be the butt of a joke they share.

Later, Indigo had plans, so Mr. A and I had some alone time. Indigo and I had alone time before Mr. A arrived, in the form of a snuggly nap! So it was a real win of an evening for me. :)

Everyone agreed that it wasn't awkward and they had a good time.

I think we need to figure out which restaurants in town have round tables. :D

MonoVCPHG

08-17-2010, 07:23 PM

I think we need to figure out which restaurants in town have round tables. :D

What about triangle tables? Now that is something I don't remember seeing. Glad things are going well my friend, thanks for sharing :D

TruckerPete

08-17-2010, 07:33 PM

What about triangle tables? Now that is something I don't remember seeing. Glad things are going well my friend, thanks for sharing :D

Well, once he finds a GF, seating arrangments will get much easier! ;)

TruckerPete

08-19-2010, 02:47 PM

I came out to a good friend this morning, whom we'll call S. She's a very open-minded person, and mono. She used to be a coworker, but got a better job. She also lives with a current coworker of mine, whom we'll call W. I'd say he's her boyfriend, but they're so much more connected than that might imply. Everyone who knows them KNOWS they will be together for the rest of their lives.

The following conversation happened after I actually told her:
TP says:
I assume anything you know, W knows, so no big deal.
S says:
If it were something you did not want anyone to know, I would not tell W. He does think you have an open relationship though. And honestly, I don't know why either of us thought/knew that.
TP says:
Haha. That's kind of funny! :P
S says:
I think just based on comments you guys have thrown around.

So I am very happy. They are both wonderful people, and if there is ever any question of the commitment Indigo and I have to each other, they would certainly defend us.

Much relief. I'm glad it's just sort of assumed by my friends. Even if it's the wrong label, it's "close enough" for me at this point. (Though I did explain the difference to S. :D )

MonoVCPHG

08-19-2010, 02:55 PM

Even if it's the wrong label, it's "close enough" for me at this point. )

It might be the wrong label but it is one that the greater part of society recognizes with at least some undestanding. When I came out to my parents I used "open relationship" and it went way smoother than when I told a close personal friend that I was in a "polyamorous" relationship...what a mistake that was. I ended up having to repeatedly defend the non-promiscuous nature of PN and RP more than actually telling her about my relationship. I wrote a thread called "knowing your audience" that dealt specifically with speaking to people using thier language instead of trying to teach them a completely different one. I'm not an activist or promoter of poly so I have no issue with taking the easy way out LOL ;)

Great news to hear she is so supportive of you :)

Here's the thread in case anyone is interested http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2853

TruckerPete

08-20-2010, 02:33 PM

Great news to hear she is so supportive of you :)

Here's the thread in case anyone is interested http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2853

She didn't understand personally how it was possible to love more than one, but she recognized that it is the case for me, and said that she was happy for us as as long as we were happy. Which we are!

I loved your story! Sent it to Mr. A, who has asked that I send anything interesting in his direction. Not hinting to him, but it gives a good perspective on how the "other man" can come out to his family, should that be something he decides to do.

Because I'm lazy and don't want to do the math, how long after dating RP did you come out to your family?

MonoVCPHG

08-20-2010, 02:54 PM

She didn't understand personally

Because I'm lazy and don't want to do the math, how long after dating RP did you come out to your family?

I met RP in January and told my parents in March of the same year. I actually told my sister in February because she is very acceptiong and open minded...although she was still shocked but not the first time she had heard of poly.

I told my mother just before Mother's Day because I was tired of lying to her about what I was doing onthe wekends or denying that some one meaningful had come into my life. I was essentially losing depth with my parents and siblings.

Indigomontoya

08-20-2010, 04:21 PM

I used the words "ethical non-monogamy"
I think you just became my hero for creating that term.

That is such a great thread Mono. I really like the idea of using relatable terms to explain what Poly means, I think in the past I had tried to explain it and got bogged down as you said "by definitions" rather than explaining it in such a way that can be understood.

I had posted in the 'Coming Out' thread about dropping the 'P-Bomb' (TP's words) on women I am interested in.

I have tried all the advice from that thread: posted in my POF profile, not posting and saying right away, waiting until they have seen who I am as a person and then send them an email along the lines of "I really enjoyed our didn't want to mislead you..." and used the term "committed, non-manogamous relationship"

So I have tried multiple approaches; and received hate mail for posting in my profile and the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog

TruckerPete

08-20-2010, 04:24 PM

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog

Hijacking mine is fine (I'm just glad you're posting! :p ), but I fear I have very few readers!

ImaginaryIllusion

08-20-2010, 04:46 PM

but I fear I have very few readers!
Pish Posh

RGee91

08-21-2010, 01:04 AM

but I fear I have very few readers!

posh pish :)

TruckerPete

08-23-2010, 03:54 AM

Indigo and I have gotten our scuba certification over the last week ... The instructor is a sweetie, easy to make blush, and I've been flirtier than I normally ever would be.

It's so nice that it's OKAY. I feel good.

TruckerPete

08-30-2010, 05:07 PM

Indigo and I (as he mentioned) did have some problems last week, but they were sorted out. After said issues were sorted, he said that he had planned on offering a surprise overnight option on Friday, should Mr. A's schedule work out. (He works about 28 days a month, and rarely has time off on a weekend, when I do.)

Miracle of miracles, Mr. A had a freaking day off on Saturday! Indigo and I spent some quality snuggle time together before Mr. A picked me up on Friday, and then off I went.

Saturday morning comes around and Mr. A and I contemplate brunch. I need to call Indigo to okay being later than our agreed time if Mr. A and I are to go to brunch. I tell Mr. A I need to call Indigo and he asks if it's to invite him. I said no ... but the bug was planted and I sheepishly asked a few minutes later if he'd mind, since I couldn't imagine a lovelier way to enjoy brunch at my favourite spot. He said it was all good!

So we went to brunch. With a round table! The food was wonderful and the company was better. The sun was shining! I got to sit with one leg touching each of Indigo AND Mr. A.

I didn't truly realize until after, but these two gents don't know each other. I mean I knew this, but sitting there, they have much in common and seemed to be quite at ease, laughing at the same jokes, poking fun at me, and referencing pop culture-y things I don't get. It was easy to forget that they probably haven't talked for more than 2 hours total. This made me appreciate the whole experience even more.

Indigo very generously offered to pay for brunch, and my heart melted all over again. He has worked so hard for me, for this. I know he could take or leave poly; certainly life would be easier for him to leave it. But he's not leaving it. He's taking it, and therefore me.

I am trying harder to be so appreciative of this man.

You can read Indigo's version of brunch here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=42230&postcount=775).

TruckerPete

09-02-2010, 06:13 AM

Sometime in the last couple of days, I passed 100 posts and hit Senior Member status. Funny. I don't feel like I know more... For all you folks know, maybe I just like to play the word association game a lot.

That wasn't actually why I came on to post, but it made me giggle.

Indigo sat me down tonight with an "I've been thinking... " These always strike a lighting bolt of fear into me, despite the fact that he has never once said something negative after beginning this way.

He wants to offer Mr. A and I the chance at 3 days a week together! Which in itself is goood news, but even better for me, was that I didn't immediately jump at the opportunity, screaming "OH YESSS!" like I'm in a shampoo commercial. The first thought through my brain was ACTUALLY "Is this good for everyone?"

So after talking with Indigo and Mr. A a bit, we've reached a "try it and see what happens and listen to everyone" agreement. I felt thrilled by my reaction because it really does mean we're settling in and I can get on LIVING without the wonderful but oh-sooooo-exhausting NRE high.

Mr. A brought up the great point that if we only have an hour to see each other rather than a whole evening, with three "days" to see each other it's not going to feel like we're "wasting" a day and should hold out for better times based on his unpredictable and demanding work schedule.

This hit me as a DUH moment. Why should we label days as "Indigo's" and "Mr. A's"??? I suppose this boundary was necessary in the beginning or I surely would've disappeared in a puff of NRE. But with the way things have settled now, of course it is possible that all parties feel their needs have been met ON THE SAME DAY.

Again, DUH.

This can only lead to greater comfort and flexibility, I think.

On an equally pleasing front, after Saturday's brunch, the guys have been casually chatting on MSN. This is thrilling for me, of course.

We're all having dinner tomorrow (tonight??), and I'm cooking. I'm looking forward to it a great deal because I see Indigo and Mr. A as potential friends, and we don't entertain guests very often at all.

Gee, it's almost like hard work and communication pays off or something! :rolleyes:

TruckerPete

09-14-2010, 04:10 PM

Things are going ... Some good, some bad. You can read about them all in Indigo's blog or the poly vignettes ...

I'm fighting tooth and nail against slipping into the depression that always dominates this time of year.

TruckerPete

09-20-2010, 07:34 PM

Things, of late, have been revolving around family. Talks of family, thoughts of telling family about us (all of us), etc. I would like to tell my father when he returns from a business trip he's currently on.

While at Mr. A's last night, his parents called. He ended up talking to them for about an hour, looking helplessly at me, while I mouthed that it was perfectly okay. He had ... an equally unpleasant childhood as me. My advantage now is that my parents are separated, my father and I have worked through things that happened, and resolved our differences. My mother, well, we don't speak, but that also means we don't argue. The relationship with Dad makes up for it.

I got the impression that Mr. A's family was asking if he had a girlfriend or was seeing anyone at one point. He sort of looked at me, looked guilty, and said, "Not really." He clarified this was the case, and told me that aside from the fact that I'm engaged he thought that I might get along with his mother, despite the fact that his parents have not liked any of his previous girlfriends. (From what I know, I can only say they were justified ... ) But they are very conservative and he can't imagine telling them about us.

I don't fault him for this. We're not even three months in. None of us are out to our parents. All three of us have told select friends, and been encouraged by those results, but family is, well, different!

This got me thinking.

The original impetus behind the boundary of me keeping my ring on, from my point of view, was that anyone I date has to be willing to accept the whole package (Indigo included!). No cow-people wanted. You don't get to insulate yourself from Indigo; you're expected to be part of my life, and in return I will give you the same.

Indigo can clarify, but I believe he shares much the same view, with the addition that perhaps the ring is a reminder that he knows and is not a cuckhold.

Last night, I realized that Mr. A respects Indigo, they are calling each other friends, and he does accept the whole package, while working through his "other guy" feelings. So the whole reasoning for the ring fell out from under me ... We are all finding family to be a bit of a special case, and hey, wouldn't it be better if his family knew the real me, before potentially finding out I'm engaged or married? And if we don't make it that far, then Mr. A gets a free pass to go on with his mono life, meet a mono girl, get mono-married, and all that (mono) jazz without ever having to shatter his parents' illusions. Me, well, I will be shattering more illusions at some point. Better sooner than later as far as I'm concerned.

So this morning I asked Indigo what he thought, and explained my feelings. Indigo ... agreed! This afternoon, I was able to tell Mr. A that "no ring" was an option, should he choose to take it and introduce me. Almost immediately, I got a message from Indigo saying that Mr. A had thanked him.

I think this one sentence Indigo spoke to Mr. A sums things up nicely: "I'm petrified of telling my parents and I've got the ring on her finger. I count you as a friend and so making your life easier is not issue at all." He went on to assuage any feelings of other man syndrome and all sorts of things that just make my heart overflow with indescribable goodness and rightness.

So am I a Champion of Polyamory? Probably not. But it feels like the right decision, and not a betrayal to anyone I love. I'll take being a Champion of Us.

TruckerPete

09-23-2010, 04:28 PM

Told my dad just now. He's one of the most important people in my life.

He didn't run screaming. He didn't disown me. He's ... processing.

He didn't greet this announcement with the same sentiments as my sexuality. (Annoucing he had to go to the "can" after a few minutes of conversation.)

His main concern was for Indigo and me. He doesn't want either of us hurt, or to "lose something special to each other."

He was pretty astute and asked right away if my boyfriend was the guy I game with. Indigo and I don't have many friends outside of our relationship, and most of those are mutual friends. He's called home a few times when I've been out with Mr. A, or texted me.

He's said he doesn't want to meet "anyone else" (be they Indigo's or my SO). I told him plainly that he should think about that carefully because there may be times in our life when he will exclude himself as a consequence. He seemed to take that in. I managed not to be offended, because he hasn't yet grasped the concept that it's about love.

I am ... cautiously optimistic. It's a lot to absorb, and I truly hope he'll come back to me with questions.

Indigomontoya

09-23-2010, 05:34 PM

I totally missed my opportunity to enact plan B:
Drop you off at his house and yell out the window "TP HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!" and peel out of there :P

TruckerPete

09-23-2010, 05:45 PM

I totally missed my opportunity to enact plan B:
Drop you off at his house and yell out the window "TP HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!" and peel out of there :P

I thought that was the plan with your parents?

Not to mention everyone else you can think of ... :D

Ariakas

09-23-2010, 06:31 PM

Good for you TP...the concept of coming out is in my life now too. But from a secondaries point of view. I am processing the consequences myself.

Congrats...:D:D:D

MonoVCPHG

09-23-2010, 06:32 PM

Drop you off at his house and yell out the window "TP HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!" and peel out of there :P

Now that I would pay to see :) HAHA!

ImaginaryIllusion

09-23-2010, 08:29 PM

Now that I would pay to see :) HAHA!

Totally with you on that one! :)

RGee91

09-23-2010, 09:01 PM

Now that I would pay to see :) HAHA!

I third that sentiment lol

And Congratz on the success TP, glad it seems to be working out :D

TruckerPete

09-23-2010, 10:07 PM

We appear to have missed a business opportunity. Any takers for when he tells his parents?? :D

TruckerPete

10-01-2010, 05:18 AM

Indigo and I had GOOD sex tonight. If you've read his blog at all, you know this is a big positive step!

I've been making much more of an effort to be physical with him, even when I don't feel like it. And surprisingly this did help me feel closer. Not every touch need be a prelude to sex. Once this false expectation was removed, the pressure I felt was greatly reduced.

Tonight, he made a huge effort to listen and communicate and ask for feedback, and I gave him this and clobbered the doubts in my head with a great big stick!

We will need to continue to work at this, but a success, especially a spur of the moment one, is a great relief.

I love you dear! I knew things would start working again! :o

MonoVCPHG

10-01-2010, 05:33 AM

Indigo and I had GOOD sex tonight.

:o

Here's to lots more good sex!! :D

TruckerPete

10-04-2010, 02:59 PM

Don't know where this post will go, but I feel like I just need to get things out.

I'm filled with joy at the blossoming friendship between Indigo and Mr. A. They are talking to each other some of the time when working out the weekly schedule. This takes a lot of pressure off of me to balance everyone's needs.

Yesterday, Mr. A had a terrible day at work. The company he works for is going under; it's only a matter of time. He's a flight instructor, and finding work in that field is next to impossible right now. He works long days, but isn't paid unless he's actually flying or can scrounge up enough tasks in one lump to bill hours. Or really, hour. It's not uncommon for him to make less than $20 during a ten hour work day. Apparently, this is the industry norm, and there is nothing anyone can do to improve these conditions because there is a surplus of pilots. Don't like the way things work? That's okay, there are dozens waiting to replace you. Not every day is like this, mind you, but enough are.

It's heartbreaking to see someone so motivated and passionate have his love and dreams crushed to bits. (The reality is that I am his secondary, flying is his primary. :) )

I was a complete and total bitch to Indigo yesterday. I get stressed, and lash out. Uncontrolled. Quite frankly, verbally/emotionally abusive. I'm working on it, but really it can't get better fast enough. The pain I inflict is unacceptable. Unfortunately, for me to understand and therefore control these episodes, they have to happen. I gain a bit of understanding each time, but it never feels like it's worth the cost.

The only two people in my life who are close enough to me to see this side are Indigo and my father. Why must I hurt most the ones I love most? Dad endured years of this bullshit from my mother, so he's a saint at ignoring me when I get into a mood. Indigo ... he grew up in a loving family. There was no hidden agenda. He asks sometimes how you can speak to someone you love in such a way. Irony is, I act this way because he is close enough to know the worst side of me. I have no answer as to why. And I wonder why it happened to me when I was apparently loved by Mother.

She used to tell me I was a manipulative bitch. A horrible person who would end up alone. And I look at the wedding and my guests. My maid of honour? Dad's girlfriend. One childhood best friend and his long-term gf. Maybe two coworkers who are friends, but not close friends. And my boyfriend.

Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?

After everything yesterday, Indigo volunteered to drive me across town AND pick me up from Mr. A's. Almost an hour and a half of driving total. After I was a useless blob all day. So that I would feel better seeing Mr. A, and so that Mr. A might feel better after a terrible day, without the added pressure of arranging pickup/delivery of me.

Guilt guilt guilt guilt.

ImaginaryIllusion

10-05-2010, 05:28 AM

Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?

I think most people invite their bf to their own wedding (lesbians being the possible exception)...it's like the sneetches...bf goes in, husband comes out. ;)

TruckerPete

10-20-2010, 08:30 PM

I've not been posting much lately. I found that I would write out a reply to something that has been said, but then pick it apart until I no longer felt it was even worth posting. This is probably not unrelated to my recent depression/anxiety spike. So I'm going to try and write a little more freely, though I reserve the right to correct typos!

Speaking of anxiety and depression, my doctor added a new med to my current mix. The side effects hit me like a ton of bricks last week, and I called him Monday to talk about it. He agreed that I could cut the dose in half, since I seem to be sensitive to the drug, and that seems to be doing the trick. It's too soon to see if it will work, but at least the side effects are under control now.

Mr. A was quite concerned about my meds, and asked all sorts of (normal) questions that he'd never asked before. I thought it odd at the time, but then realized that this was the first med change he's been through with me, whereas Indigo has been around for quite a few and I myself have been through just about every class of drugs that can help with depression and anxiety, with the exception of MAOIs. I encouraged him to speak Indigo about it as well, if he needed an outside perspective.

Indigo and Mr. A are continuing to form a friendship. Indigo said the sweetest thing on MSN to me the other day ... He said we needed to ask Mr. A about his needs for Christmas. I am more of a last minute planner, so I hadn't gotten there yet, but to know that he is taking Mr. A's needs into account gives me the warm fuzzies. Mr. A also hadn't gotten around to thinking about Christmas yet, but was reassured by Indigo's concern. I do believe his "the other man" feeling is slowly being beat into submission.

Tonight, the three of us are going out for dinner before "date time" with Mr. A. Tomorrow, I'm making wonton soup for the gents, and we'll spend a quiet evening either watching TV or gaming together, or doing seperate activities in the same room. (Default is Mr. A games, Indigo surfs the net or reads, I surf or read or watch Mr. A game.)

We're becoming more and more at ease as the three of us. Small gestures of affection, touches, hugs, the occassional chaste kiss are all happening smoothly. It's wonderful to be myself, and be at ease as a couple around whomever is not part of the couple in that moment. Affection ebbs and flows freely through me to both men and it's a wonderful sensation.

That's all for now ... Indigo has arrived and we're leaving!

TruckerPete

10-25-2010, 06:11 PM

Indigo and I had a misunderstanding last night, on the way to Mr. A's place. We tried to work it out in the car, and even spent time in the parking lot after we got there.

Eventually, he said something that annoyed me, and I said, "fine" and got out of the car. I may have slammed the door. He may have revved the engine as he drove away.

Of course, I was upset, and immediately after hugging me, Mr. A knew something was wrong. He asked me about it and I tried to explain what had happened.

What HAD happened? I really couldn't explain it to Mr. A.

So, I got up, checked my phone, and found an apology from Indigo for his part. I promptly called him and apologized for my part in our misunderstanding.

Just like that, it was fixed.

If only we all had to explain our arguments to someone else ...

Tonberry

10-27-2010, 10:30 AM

How true! The other day I had an argument with Sean. I told Ian (Raga), he asked what had happened, and I realised... I didn't know!
Was it that stupid that we were arguing about nothing at all?
I wonder how many arguments are like that, caused by little things, because we're stressed out, because we need time alone, or for whatever silly reason that makes us edgy...
And how many of them tear couples apart over something ridiculous?

TruckerPete

11-01-2010, 04:17 PM

Wedding plans are falling into place. It almost seems effortless right now. As a bonus, I'm able to be excited, because I'm not thinking about all of the things that still need to be done.

The Indigo/Mr. A split is working well. Everyone is happy. This makes me happy.

Indigo and I continue to work on our bedroom issues. Two steps forward, one step back. On the positive side, I am feeling much more connected to him and enjoying the physical contact we do have much more than I used to. We are sexually intimate less often, but physically intimate more. I feel better about the intimacy we are having, even though there is less sex. I am confident that we will resolve this; it's just going to take time.

I started a new medication about 3 weeks ago. At first, the side effects were unbearable, but after a dosage adjustment, things have actually been good. I feel grounded. I feel comfortable in my own skin. It's hard to describe.

Mr. A and I started jogging. He used to run, a couple of years back, and it was something I was thinking about before I even knew this! I hope this energy I've found is here to stay. Often when I start a medication, I get a "boost" for a little while, and then it fades away. Hopefully, I can make enough positive changes in my life before the boost wears off and sustain this good energy I have.

TruckerPete

11-02-2010, 04:07 PM

I'm definitely feeling off today. I knew I shouldn't have posted about how well I was feeling yesterday! :p

Money issues are bugging me. Weddings are really fucking expensive. (I'm allowed to swear on my own blog, right? I really fucking hope so. Fuck.) We're not in any trouble financially, but it's painful to watch the little nest egg that we've built up get smaller.

Something was bothering me last night with Mr. A and I couldn't place it. He was late picking me up, but it was understandable because work delayed him. He told me about chatting with an old friend, someone he trusts, and explaining our arrangement. She said something to the effect that he always finds himself in strange relationships.

That really hurt me. I know what some of his past GFs were like. Crazy, possessive, selfish. Generally, things I try not to be. So it hurt to be lumped in with them.

But that triggered something. Something I couldn't figure out at first. Then I got it. I feel like some sort of dirty secret. In four months, I've never met his work friends. I've met one other friend. His parents don't even know he has a girlfriend. (And he doesn't need to even mention poly to them, as previously agreed on by the three of us.)

So, compounded by the fact that our relationship is unconventional, I was feeling pretty second-class.

We talked. His reasons are all valid, so I'm working on feeling better.

He's never met his coworkers' SOs, with the exception of a brief visit by one's fiancée to drop something at work off. He does talk about me a fair bit, but the guys generally keep SOs and work separate, physically.

He doesn't have many real life friends, and none of them live close. The one friend I have met is very important to him, so that was meaningful. This friend also gave his stamp of approval, which I know means a lot to Mr. A.

He's scared to death to tell his parents, because he loves me. They've never approved of any relationship he's had. He doesn't want them to make things more difficult for us. He's still financially dependent on them. (He's a pilot, and it turns out that training is really frickin' expensive.) I also gathered that while he doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, they are his parents and he doesn't want me to hate them.

So yeah.

My anxiety is batshit crazy right now. I'll be going home with Indigo shortly. I plan on having a run, then working from home for the afternoon.

Anyone out there reading this ... well, I could use some hugs.

MonoVCPHG

11-02-2010, 04:13 PM

Anyone out there reading this ... well, I could use some hugs.

hugs..and more hugs..and more...but no kissing or groping :rolleyes:

SNeacail

11-02-2010, 04:15 PM

((Hugs TP))

TruckerPete

11-02-2010, 04:18 PM

Thanks, guys. Reassuring to know my thoughts aren't just going into the ether. :o

MonoVCPHG

11-02-2010, 04:23 PM

Thanks, guys. Reassuring to know my thoughts aren't just going into the ether. :o

Just focus on what is real right now, TP. Two men love you, you're getting married, everyone is doing well within those that really need to know. Give the rest time :)

Ariakas

11-02-2010, 04:24 PM

But that triggered something. Something I couldn't figure out at first. Then I got it. I feel like some sort of dirty secret. In four months, I've never met his work friends. I've met one other friend. His parents don't even know he has a girlfriend. (And he doesn't need to even mention poly to them, as previously agreed on by the three of us.)

*hugs* tp. This is a crappy feeling. I think this comes up with everyone. The time when "coming out" feels like it shoudl be something, but then the reality hits, what, when, how and to who etc.

TruckerPete

11-02-2010, 04:41 PM

*hugs* tp. This is a crappy feeling. I think this comes up with everyone. The time when "coming out" feels like it shoudl be something, but then the reality hits, what, when, how and to who etc.

I should mention that his work friends know the particulars of our situation. This really is a "typical" relationship problem, only compounded by the poly fact.

I do believe I am projecting poly insecurities onto it, though there is a problem there with my need to feel a larger part of his life not being met. But he has to work through his issues.

@Mono, you're absolutely right. I've got love and respect and awesomeness all around me. Living in the now is something that is very hard for me to do. That's a work in progress.

Tonberry

11-02-2010, 05:15 PM

Hugs from me, as well!

Marriages can be a real stress factor. Ours wasn't stressful because of the money (we got the perfect wedding, exactly how we wanted it, for 500 bucks tops. But we hate the fancy stuff, so we just went to a restaurant and then bowling, playing pool and arcade games) but in our case everyone was calling us a few days before the wedding asking us to book hotels for them.
What the hell? Not only did we inform everyone 6 months early at the latest, but we're not booking agents! They were all adults and, on top of that, who knows what hotels are good in the place where they live? I've never needed to stay at a hotel in Paris, they would have been better off asking friends!

Anyways, the stress was pretty bad right before the wedding, but it all vanished on the day itself, and it was a fantastic day. I'm sure yours will be equally enjoyable for you, TP :)

As for being a dirty little secret, I can certainly understand why you'd feel bad about it. I hate having to "hide" Sean to so many people, but Raga isn't ready to let his family or most of his friends and coworkers know about it yet... And well, since I'm an expat, that's the people I deal with. Every time I have to stop myself from mentioning him I feel a bit bad, because I would want to show him off to everyone!
In our case, Raga thinks it would be best if he had someone too when we announce it, because he's afraid... well, I guess he's afraid people will have a bad opinion of me otherwise... and perhaps of him for letting me.

Sean is going to spend the holidays with us, so I'm very curious how that's going to develop! Especially since Raga's parents are giving Sean and me a ride to the airport when he leaves... I can't imagine not being able to kiss him bye when I don't know how much longer it will be before I see him again!

...Not trying to hijack your blog here, TP, just saying I think I can relate to the way you feel to some extent. You've got all of my support!

TruckerPete

11-02-2010, 06:00 PM

...Not trying to hijack your blog here, TP, just saying I think I can relate to the way you feel to some extent. You've got all of my support!

Not hijacking. I love hearing from people. :)

I think we won't ever get to come out to Indigo's parents until he has someone special, too.

I do feel weird at times, as though I'm some sort of slut for having TWO men. I worry what people might think of Indigo for "allowing" me to do this.

On a happier note, I got to go home from work, I had a run, and now I'm eating soup while working. Going to reward myself with a scrumptious bubblebath when the day is done!!

Indigomontoya

11-02-2010, 07:16 PM

In our case, Raga thinks it would be best if he had someone too when we announce it, because he's afraid... well, I guess he's afraid people will have a bad opinion of me otherwise... and perhaps of him for letting me

This really does hit the nail on the head of how I feel. I've made a mental list of coming out to people and prioritized it based on how I think they will react and if I want/need them to know....I'm a list maker by personality and profession....I've come out to the two closest people in my life (next to you my darling) and both reactions were good. One being a Research Chemist had a lot of straightforward, empirically based questions; the other more just talked about how much it meant to him to have me tell him (I've known him for 20 years and we've been like brothers since day one) but he knew what Poly was when I told him, I had to explain it to the Chemist. I am reticent to tell my family because I don't want them to jump to conclusions or judge TP or myself. I know I will come out to them but when I can accurately judge that I don't feel I need to justify myself and the life TP and I lead to them.

I think we won't ever get to come out to Indigo's parents until he has someone special, too.

I do feel weird at times, as though I'm some sort of slut for having TWO men. I worry what people might think of Indigo for "allowing" me to do this.

Perish the thought my love, you're only a slut in the best possible ways. ;) My concern is for how the reactions of people will make you feel not how they see you. If you recall when you came out to your father, a lot of his questions seemed to make the assumption that I had pushed you into Poly not that it was a mutual, well discussed decision; I know how that made me feel, thinking your father thought I was this guy forcing something on his daughter (it was a dramatic reaction, I know) and I don't want you to feel that.

As long as we know where we stand, the path is always clear. And with you my love.

TruckerPete

11-02-2010, 07:35 PM

Perish the thought my love, you're only a slut in the best possible ways. ;)

Can we work that into the vows?

ImaginaryIllusion

11-02-2010, 10:57 PM

Anyone out there reading this ... well, I could use some hugs.

hugs..and more hugs..and more...but no kissing or groping :rolleyes:

I agree with Mono about the first part...not convinced I can support the second part though. ;)

eklctc

11-02-2010, 11:30 PM

...and many many more hugs ({})

You know, weddings don't Have to deplete your nest egg but I understand many people have a particular image of the wedding they want for themselves and what will make them happy so that is cool. I, for one, do want to have a commitment ceremony with someone or a few people one day (not looking like that's close to fruition in any way though). I want it to be simple with me, them, someone to unite us, and our two witnesses (which will be a friend-girl of mine and her husband who will also serve as the photography (friend-girl) since she does it on the side) on an island at the water somewhere. I'm thinking probably Jamaica since my adoptive father is from there and it won't cost a lot to get us there with his connections. I will pay for the round-trip flights for all parties but my friend-girl and her husband will have to take care of their room, meal, entertainment expenses. The attire will be inexpensive- most likely crepe, georgette, or batiste fabric- perfect for light, flowy items and rolling around in the sand having sex:D. Lastly, our rings will consist of the Egyptian Infinity symbol being tattooed around our finger of choice. *clapping with excitement just thinking about it* :)

Enjoy your run. *hugs*

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 02:48 PM

Thank you for the support, everyone! I jogged, got work done, and talked with both guys. It really helped me.

...and many many more hugs ({})

You know, weddings don't Have to deplete your nest egg but I understand many people have a particular image of the wedding they want for themselves and what will make them happy so that is cool. I, for one, do want to have a commitment ceremony with someone or a few people one day (not looking like that's close to fruition in any way though). I want it to be simple with me, them, someone to unite us, and our two witnesses (which will be a friend-girl of mine and her husband who will also serve as the photography (friend-girl) since she does it on the side) on an island at the water somewhere. I'm thinking probably Jamaica since my adoptive father is from there and it won't cost a lot to get us there with his connections. I will pay for the round-trip flights for all parties but my friend-girl and her husband will have to take care of their room, meal, entertainment expenses. The attire will be inexpensive- most likely crepe, georgette, or batiste fabric- perfect for light, flowy items and rolling around in the sand having sex:D. Lastly, our rings will consist of the Egyptian Infinity symbol being tattooed around our finger of choice. *clapping with excitement just thinking about it* :)

Enjoy your run. *hugs*

Our wedding is not that big ... less than $5000. But it's still painful to watch that money spent. Spending money is a source of anxiety for me, especially when it's spent on me.

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 02:59 PM

Ariakas

11-04-2010, 06:07 PM

Tonberry

11-04-2010, 06:38 PM

I can relate to the pain of spending a lot on "a single thing" (even if it's lots of different expenses, it's all for the same thing on the same day), especially on yourself. But while for us polys it's not a "once in a lifetime" kind of thing, it's still a very important day and it's worth it to make it as enjoyable and memorable as possible.

So I really hope that the day will make you forget how much it did cost you, and that all you'll remember is how perfect everything was, because it was done the way you wanted :)

Good luck with coping with that, as no matter how much you rationalise it in your head, I know the "OMG so much money!!!" part is always there somewhere in the back (or even front!). It's all worth it when you get to share that happy day with the people you love, and you realise if it was the other way around ("hey, I'll give you $5,000 NOT to marry him") you'd say NO WAY.

SNeacail

11-04-2010, 06:40 PM

As Mr. A becomes a more significant part of our lives, it's harder and harder for me to resist the urge to talk about him. I don't like lying, so I hate saying, "My friend"; it's not exactly true.

I would just like to be able to start a sentence with "My boyfriend ... "

I don't like "My/Our friend" either and I hate having to explain who my husbands NSP is. She is our friend, but she is much closer to both of us and our kids than that. Sometime we call her his sister (like with the kids schools), but most anyone else, I just call her his other wife and it does leave people wondering :p. While I have had issues in the past with their connection, the public view of it has never been my problem, I think I like shocking people. When her husband and I are together, it gets a little out of hand:rolleyes:. When others realized that I called her the other wife, they actually quit speculating.

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 08:15 PM

I don't like "My/Our friend" either and I hate having to explain who my husbands NSP is. She is our friend, but she is much closer to both of us and our kids than that. Sometime we call her his sister (like with the kids schools), but most anyone else, I just call her his other wife and it does leave people wondering :p. While I have had issues in the past with their connection, the public view of it has never been my problem, I think I like shocking people. When her husband and I are together, it gets a little out of hand:rolleyes:. When others realized that I called her the other wife, they actually quit speculating.

Maybe I'll just say it. My boyfriend. My boyfriend. It can't be that hard, can it? :o

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 08:18 PM

It's all worth it when you get to share that happy day with the people you love, and you realise if it was the other way around ("hey, I'll give you $5,000 NOT to marry him") you'd say NO WAY.

Well, there'd be no point now - we'd only break even and I'd lose myself a husband! :D

But seriously, yeah, good points. I will try to remember that we deserve this day, and we've worked very hard.

Holy. Shit. I've just now come up with the basis for my vows. I'm tearing up at work. *needs to go write things down*

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 08:19 PM

Come up with a code, that might make you feel better until you decide to be out :)

"My monkey and I ... "

TruckerPete

11-04-2010, 08:19 PM

I agree with Mono about the first part...not convinced I can support the second part though. ;)

*blush* I missed this comment the first time around!

TruckerPete

11-07-2010, 03:03 PM

From another thread:

Mr. A is a commercial pilot, just starting his career.

This weekend, we're going flying together, in a little four seat Cessna for the first time. <insert obvious joke here>

At any rate, I was chatting with my officemate just now and asked if he had any plans for the weekend. He said not really and asked about mine.

Perfect opportunity!

I told him I was excited because my boyfriend was taking me flying this weekend. I always refer to Indigo by name, so coworker said, "Oh I didn't realize he had his license."

I replied that yes, he's a pilot. Coworker started, "Wait ... " and I interjected with "Oh. My boyfriend. Indigo and I don't believe in monogamy."

Coworker responded with, "Oh. Okay. Well that'll be pretty cool!" And the conversation continued on.

My hands are shaking. I am relieved to be myself.

TruckerPete

11-07-2010, 03:29 PM

I am back to feeling centered and grounded again. Between the wedding, Indigo, and Mr. A, I have been noticing little cues that just reaffirm how very right things are.

Two budding friendships have taken me by surprise. I am not the type to give out the friend title easily, so to have TWO such relationships forming is a real treat for me.

Normally, I would worry at such things, push them, try to move them into defined categories. Not this time. With both relationships, I am sitting contentedly, simply watching with interest at the different directions they take, observing my feelings and just letting things flow.

Holy crap. I think I'm growing as a person or something. :p

TruckerPete

11-29-2010, 04:05 PM

So, we're married! It was phenomenal, to say the least. A ceremony with much mention of being faithful, loving, respectful, caring and all sorts of other things you can and should be in any relationship. But no mention of one and only forever and ever. :)

Mr. A attended and had a good time, for the most part. There was a little awkwardness in explaining himself to friends and family who aren't in the know. But I made sure he sat with a good friend of mine and his GF who are in an open-in-the-right-circumstances relationship. They were extremely supportive and I am forever grateful.

A piece of advice to anyone who might find themselves in similar circumstances; have a back story for your relationship to the couple. Everyone at the wedding was explaining how they were related to us, but Mr. A could only say, "I'm a friend." Something we didn't think of. :(

The marriage caused a shift in my relationship with Indigo, or at least my awareness. It was a confirmation of the deep-running feelings and connection we share. This caused a bit of a surprise for me with Mr. A.

Over the past five months with Mr. A, our relationship has been changing steadily, naturally, while things with Indigo have been more static. At first, each time a change with Mr. A occured, or a new feeling developed, I would compare it to my relationship with Indigo. This was distressing, because I noticed some things with Mr. A that I didn't feel with Indigo. However, I knew I still loved Indigo, no matter what I felt for Mr. A, and eventually I relaxed and let both relationships be what they were and simply observed. With this change in my attitude came the realization that I didn't feel certain things for Indigo because I had already felt them. They were parts of a new relationship, not an established one.

Well, last night, I went over to see Mr. A and had a bit of panic when the reverse occured. I did not feel the same solid, soul-deep, connection I have now experienced with Indigo. Luckily, I was able to recognize that this was because these are two relationships in very different places and as unique as the people involved. And neither of these connections diminishes the other in any way. They both are what they are and should be enjoyed as such.

So for anyone out there reading, don't panic if you should experience the same. These loves of mine are very different in my heart. My mono-trained, logical brain wanted to rank them, but my heart has prevailed and simply loves.

TruckerPete

11-29-2010, 04:07 PM

My vows (borrowed and slightly modified from St. Augustine), for anyone interested:

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness; it is not excitement; it's not promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love, itself, is what is left over, when being in love has burned away." Indigo, I love you. And today is the day I tell you that it is inconceivable to me that we should ever part.

eklctc

11-30-2010, 01:57 AM

TruckerPete

11-30-2010, 03:21 AM

Congrats! Beautiful vows too.

I'm glad it was brilliant! I'm also glad Mr. A was able to find some comfort at the wedding being able to hang with some people who weren't given him the 'eyebrow'. :)

Luckily, whenver I unite with someone, I'm so open with my life that my partners can introduce themselves as such without worrying about the reactions and/or knowledge (or lack thereof) of others. I wonder what ponderings have been on Mr. A's mind since the wedding regarding his 'title' as introduced at the wedding? Has he shared?

I'm open with my life, but Indigo's family was there and it's his choice when/how to come out.

We spoke about everything the next day. Mr. A was a disappointed not to be able to meet my dad, but felt it wasn't the time and place to introduce himself and cause a potentially awkward scene. He said the experience overall was only about 10% as awkward as he'd thought it would be.

We all did the best we could, given the circumstances. I think there's a bit of regret on all sides that we don't live in a perfect, accepting world, but what can be done? We're getting there as well as we can.

eklctc

11-30-2010, 04:21 AM

Completely understandable about Indigo. I'm glad the experience was better than what Mr. A prepared himself for. *sigh* The world can definitely put a crack in our snowglobe at times. Many many warm wishes coming your way~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TruckerPete

12-21-2010, 04:34 PM

I have been posting less frequently on the forum.

Everything is going really well on our end, so I don't really have issues to ask advice on. And it seems to be poor taste to start a thread about how awesome my life is and hey look at me over here! *waves arms*

I'm still reading. The problem is, I am stuck in an advice rut. Either people's problems seem so overwhelmingly huge that I wouldn't know where to start, or the answer to me is, "Why don't you just ask him/her/them?"

Really, it works.

When I have a problem, I talk to DH and/or BF about it. I try very hard to express my problem in terms of what I need. For example, I had a very important concert that I was part of on a weekend that BF had to be away on training. We were both disappointed he couldn't make it, but I accepted this without incident. However, he didn't text or message me at all the day of the concert, and only texted something about his day while I was in the concert. After, I told him I was very hurt that he hadn't wished me luck and seemed to have forgotten about it. It turned out he had. And he was really sorry, because he knew how hurt I was. We discussed this productively and I tried to take everything he said as the truth, something I struggle with at times.

Because we were texting, and he was under a lot of pressure during this training, I accepted his apology and made sure to tell him I considered the issue addressed and resolved, and not to worry about me harbouring ill-will about the incident. He told me he appreciated this immensely.

I feel so lucky to have two people I can communicate 100% honestly with, and receive the same in return. No guesswork. No games.

FlameKat

12-21-2010, 05:21 PM

Hey there TP :D Please do keep posting - your story is important to many of us out here... knowing that it is possible and that someone out there is doing it, living it breathing it...

It's good to know there are more than just Redpepper and Mono's grouping that are succeeding... your minutiae may seem meaningless to you - but to the rest of us, we value it.

And please do comment as well, your opinions are valued as exactly that, your opinion - another point of view that maybe hasn't been explored or looked at from .. quite that angle yet...

I know I would be interested in your input on my thread... not that I think there's much anyone can say right now... I certainly would value any input :P

TruckerPete

12-21-2010, 05:28 PM

MonoVCPHG

12-21-2010, 06:22 PM

TruckerPete

12-21-2010, 06:41 PM

Your story is inspiring Trucker Pete. I think you are the first couple on here that I know of who have gone into a marriage. Your hubby's perspective as a mostly mono guy who is probably the most together person I have heard about on here is truly something for people to draw strength from. Yours is a story of success and unique perspective.

Keep on sharing :)

My hubby ... still strange to hear that!

Yes, even when we were moving "slowly" with poly, I realize now that he processed things at an amazing speed. I've seen many couples on here take longer or break, or drop off the board. Or sometimes see people who seem to have it together struggle with issues we've already laid to rest.

Granted the very next post I read on a given day could describe issues we've yet to tackle, but everyone seems to go about things in a different order!

Indigomontoya

12-21-2010, 07:14 PM

Your story is inspiring Trucker Pete. I think you are the first couple on here that I know of who have gone into a marriage. Your hubby's perspective as a mostly mono guy who is probably the most together person I have heard about on here is truly something for people to draw strength from. Yours is a story of success and unique perspective.

Keep on sharing :)

Thank you Mono, the admiration is mutual.

In truth, I don't like TP very much I married her more for financial reasons than anything else...so Mr. A getting her the hell out of my hair for a while is great! because some times I want to take one of those stupid pillows while shes asleep an-....wait what was the question?

In real truthfulness any stability I have with regard to Poly comes from external sources. If Mr. A or TP handled or viewed our issues differently then I may not have been able to stabilize my own mindset. Ultimately it comes down to I love TP and consider Mr. A a friend so I take into consideration his feelings and her well being in my actions.

TruckerPete

12-21-2010, 07:16 PM

In real truthfulness any stability I have with regard to Poly comes from external sources. If Mr. A or TP handled or viewed our issues differently then I may not have been able to stabilize my own mindset. Ultimately it comes down to I love TP and consider Mr. A a friend so I take into consideration his feelings and her well being in my actions.

Would you just take a damn compliment?? :p

Indigomontoya

12-21-2010, 07:18 PM

Would you just take a damn compliment?? :p

I have access to your drinking water....don't forget that...any time...BAM! done.

eklctc

12-23-2010, 01:22 AM

I agree that your posts are one to look forward to and I do not believe it is in poor taste to share the joys off your life at this point. I know many of us came here seeking advice but that quickly turns into a forum to share your daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly story in all its glory and gray.

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to continuing to watch your journey. (hugs)

MonoVCPHG

12-23-2010, 01:57 AM

Would you just take a damn compliment?? :p

Exactly..but thanks for the kind words Indigo ;)

TruckerPete

12-23-2010, 03:02 AM

The three of us went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra tonight. It was a phenomenal show, as usual. I got us great seats (third row centre in a crowd of about 5000).

Sitting there, snuggled between both guys, was an amazing feeling. *happy sigh*

So now, I'm in the back seat, most of the way through a two hour drive listening to Indigo and Mr. A discuss the minutia of having done time working at a call centre. They just finished talking about Star Wars. I'm not talking. Just listening and it's wonderful! I love seeing their friendship grow.

I'm a big, happy, back seat bubble! :o

Ariakas

12-23-2010, 03:21 AM

congrats tp. Sounds like a fun poly evening. Sounds fantastic...

eklctc

01-02-2011, 04:24 PM

@Indigo & TP...lmao...Indigo is hilarious (sidenote*I'd monitor him around the drinking water). I'm glad things are going great. Please do keep us posted.

...and, TP, thanks for stopping by. *hugs*

TruckerPete

01-03-2011, 03:02 AM

Thanks, eklctc. :)

TruckerPete

01-03-2011, 02:50 PM

The holidays passed quite smoothly for us. I feel very lucky.

Indigo was extremely free with my time. We had most days together, so Mr. A and I had three overnights, as opposed to our usual one.

I'm lazy, so I'll cross-post what I wrote in another thread:
I had a perfect New Year's Eve. To start, Indigo and I went to eat at a classy place in town. We had a lovely dinner, then went for a walk and had coffee after.

He then dropped me at Mr. A's, where I had some much need time to myself. Had a great shower and curled up in bed with a book, waiting for Mr. A to come back from dinner with his parents.

He got back and we had a great time. It was his first positive experience with a SO on NYE, so I was happy to be there for him. We played Halo and chatted with Indigo, then went to bed and spent much of the next day together. Indigo picked me up and we had a nice nap together that afternoon.

Just a wonderful 24 hours!

Thank you, both of you. :o

eklctc

01-08-2011, 05:08 AM

Hey...I think I read the cross post already. :(. Glad everything is well. :)

TruckerPete

01-08-2011, 05:57 PM

Happy 6 months, Mr. A!

I love you. :)

eklctc

01-09-2011, 12:48 AM

:(...my relationship just crumbled at my sixth month. *sigh*

I'm glad someone can celebrate theirs. *hugs*

Happy HAPPY 6th month to Mr. A and TP. :D

TruckerPete

01-09-2011, 03:45 AM

:(...my relationship just crumbled at my sixth month. *sigh*

I'm glad someone can celebrate theirs. *hugs*

Happy HAPPY 6th month to Mr. A and TP. :D

Argh eklctc. I'm so sorry. :(

TruckerPete

01-11-2011, 04:21 AM

Had a little bombshell dropped tonight. Long story short, because of Mr. A's work, he's leaving town as soon as two weeks from now. Or as long as two months from now. We don't know which. Everything is up in the air.

I read far far worse things on here every day, but I'm still hurting. I feel selfish. I have a perfectly wonderful, compassionate, amazing husband ... shouldn't that be enough?

We were just settling into a routine that fit everyone's life well. I am scared shitless of the changes this will bring.

Ariakas

01-11-2011, 04:26 AM

Hugs TP...you guys are great, it will be fine. Just remember that.

((hugs))

TruckerPete

01-11-2011, 10:41 AM

Thanks, Ari. Feeling a bit better today. If you can call waking up at 5:30 better! :p

FlameKat

01-14-2011, 11:17 AM

Will it be a temporary change or a long-term change?

Hugs TP - you guys are STRONG, you'll be just fine :D

TruckerPete

01-14-2011, 12:43 PM

Will it be a temporary change or a long-term change?

Hugs TP - you guys are STRONG, you'll be just fine :D

Long-term. He can expect to move every year for the next five or so.

Thank you for the well wishes, everyone. I'm feeling better about the whole thing.

Ariakas

01-14-2011, 01:53 PM

Long-term. He can expect to move every year for the next five or so.

Thank you for the well wishes, everyone. I'm feeling better about the whole thing.

Good to hear TP. You could always look at it as a fun opportunity to travel. :)

Indigomontoya

01-14-2011, 07:40 PM

Happy Birthday my love!

LovingRadiance

01-14-2011, 10:26 PM

MonoVCPHG

01-15-2011, 12:29 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
size matters

nycindie

01-15-2011, 12:37 AM

Happy Happy Birthday.

And yes, Mono, yours is the biggest.

LovingRadiance

01-15-2011, 12:38 AM

Happy Birthday

You the man Mon, but I like my color better!!

;P

SNeacail

01-15-2011, 12:44 AM

Happy Birthday!

BrigidsDaughter

01-15-2011, 05:24 AM

Happy Birthday!:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Ariakas

01-15-2011, 06:07 AM

Happy bday, I can't believe I almost missed it...still your bday out here ;)

TruckerPete

01-15-2011, 07:32 PM

Thank you for the birthday wishes everyone! It really warmed my heart. :) :) :)

eklctc

01-15-2011, 11:23 PM

:( about Mr. A.

Happy belated. My birthday was on the 13th. :D

TruckerPete

01-17-2011, 04:27 PM

I've stopped crying. Mr. A is moving, somewhere, at some point in the near future. Most likely option right now is about 2hrs away.

I fluctuate between being okay with it, to being more upset, to being very happy for this new opportunity in his life. Right now, it's all three. With any luck, as I write this he's flying a plane he's wanted to be in for 10 years. That's pretty huge.

Part of the problem is that this was feeling like the first step in the demise of our relationship. He's going to be moving further away, not closer. I want to build a family.

But we've talked. I have no doubt that he's sincere in wanting to make this work. It's still hard though.

Indigo has been an amazing support. If my husband is reassuring me of the strength of the relationship between me and my boyfriend, well that carries a lot of weight in my eyes.

So I'm working on the things I can control. I can mourn the relationship I'd hoped for and work towards making this new one fulfilling in different ways. I can effectively communicate my needs to him. I can move our computer to a more private location so that video chats will be possible. I already know there's a bus that runs regularly to the most likely place he'll be.

Deep breaths. It won't be the same as it was, but it will still be.

Ariakas

01-17-2011, 07:34 PM

I've stopped crying. Mr. A is moving, somewhere, at some point in the near future. Most likely option right now is about 2hrs away.

:)...2 hour is a short jaunt. Its an easy task. To put the distance into a perspective. For me to go shopping in the city is a 2 hour trip. Distance can hold its own romance. It holds a lot of power in communication etc.

Besides wouldn't it be romantic if he one day just landed on your lawn ;) Now he has a reason too haha

So I'm working on the things I can control. I can mourn the relationship I'd hoped for and work towards making this new one fulfilling in different ways. I can effectively communicate my needs to him. I can move our computer to a more private location so that video chats will be possible. I already know there's a bus that runs regularly to the most likely place he'll be.

Look into a pass of some kind. Makes the trip more inviting and less daunting. Greyhound usually has 10 or 20 ticket passes that save a crap load of money.

Its...65$ round trip to vancouver
I pay 30$ because I buy a pass

Might make the distance feel less daunting. :)

*hugs*

TruckerPete

01-17-2011, 10:07 PM

Look into a pass of some kind. Makes the trip more inviting and less daunting. Greyhound usually has 10 or 20 ticket passes that save a crap load of money.

Its...65$ round trip to vancouver
I pay 30$ because I buy a pass

Might make the distance feel less daunting. :)

*hugs*

That's a great idea. I'm almost positive Coach Canada does the same.

Thanks, Ari. :)

ImaginaryIllusion

01-18-2011, 02:09 AM

Besides wouldn't it be romantic if he one day just landed on your lawn ;) Now he has a reason too haha

Landing Strip? :rolleyes:

TruckerPete

01-18-2011, 12:26 PM

Landing Strip? :rolleyes:

Heehee! There's a strip club near Pearson named that! ;)

eklctc

01-19-2011, 12:47 AM

*hugs* Distance and time apart can help with the demise of a relationship (I think my work travel for the last 6 weeks of 2010 helped do my relationship in) but, I truly believe, the foundation of that relationship has to already be going through some major turmoil or not so sturdy to begin with in order for something like that to take a big toll on the relationship so ... it seems that you are safe. :) I hope you, Mr. A, and Indigo are all well.

TruckerPete

01-26-2011, 03:36 PM

Well, one thing. But it's affecting a lot of things.

Turns out I'm not so okay with Mr. A leaving. Oh right. I didn't mention. He got the job that's two hours away. It is a great career move for him.

It's just so much, so fast. Two weeks ago I thought we'd have a few more months together. Then I found out he'd basically lost his job here, he was leaving for training for twice as long as I'd originally thought, and hey, he had a good chance at a job at the new school. All in the same night. Since then I haven't seen him, he's gotten a new job, is looking for apartments, and is so busy that we are talking less than half an hour a day on average. This is from 3-4 nights a week spent with him.

But I've been trying to play the good, supportive girlfriend. Relationships in his past have ended over his career. He will always put that first, I believe. I didn't want to lose him because I couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel it was okay to be upset, angry, hurt.

So things came to a head last night. I've been bottling up and stuffing things down. You'd never know that if you talked to Indigo though. All of this extra tension inside me has affected our relationship. I'm snappy and angry and not being a good, supportive wife. He's also started a new job and is understandably tired and a bit on edge. I haven't been there for him because I've been sparing Mr. A my feelings.

Not cool. Not fair in the slightest.

Indigo told me to talk to Mr. A. I did. It didn't start out well. I was angry at the situation and Mr. A's apparent lack of concern for the change in our relationship. I hung up on him. Very mature. But then we talked it out over msn. I asked him to tell me how he feels, because I felt like I'm the only one feeling anything. He did. I explained how quickly things had changed from my perspective and I think that really hit home for him. He doesn't always share possibilities with me, then they become real and I'm left wondering where they came from. I don't deal well with unknowns, and that's what everything is right now. He agreed to try and nail some things down for me, such as when he's coming back. He told me it was okay to be upset. In fact it's normal to be. He's not more upset because this is the way things have always gone, and what he expects.

I really needed to hear that it was okay to feel how I did. I think that helped more than anything. A close second was him comparing us to the LDR his parents got through when they were dating. Back in the days before technology could help.

For my part, I'm not going to keep things in for his sake. It doesn't work, and just hurts everyone involved.

It is very strange to hold happiness for his new job and sorrow in my heart at the same time. One doesn't diminish the other. I wonder if this is how some feel with poly. They are happy for their love to be their true self, but mourn the relationship that was. Certainly, the future I've been working toward is much changed.

So I've taken a sick day today. I'm much in need of regrouping. I will be better in all areas of my life for the time I take today.

Indigo, thank you for kicking my ass in the right direction. I love you very much and I'm sorry for being an intolerable bitch when you needed me.

Mr. A, you'll know how I feel, all of it from now on. Remember that the joy is just as genuine in the sorrow.

Ariakas

01-26-2011, 07:53 PM

Congrats tp, I am happy you got over that barrier. I am confident for you guys. I am sure you will work through it. Lots of great examples of what not to do in this world, use those and it might save some heartache :)

Derbylicious

01-26-2011, 09:09 PM

It really does help to have a firm date booked for when you will see each other again. As for being angry and upset, better to let it out than to let it fester.

TruckerPete

01-30-2011, 11:51 PM

Mr. A came up to visit this weekend. To say we had a really good time together is an understatement. It was definitely needed, after the emotional roller coaster of the past two weeks. I feel secure in our relationship and know we're both committed to not making this work, but simply letting it work.

I can't thank Indigo enough for his selflessness and compersion. I am married to an incredible man, whom I wish could see himself as I do.

JenAgain

01-31-2011, 08:26 PM

Whew! I just finished reading your thread from beginning to end. It makes me happy to see that things CAN work and everybody can be happy in the situation. There seems to be a mix of negative and positive experiences here on the forum, and I'm aiming for a positive one... so far so good.

Keep posting, as I enjoy reading about your success, and trials and tribulations as well. I hope that things continue to work well with the longer distance between you and Mr. A. Indigo seems to be an amazing man as well!

TruckerPete

02-01-2011, 02:28 AM

TruckerPete

02-02-2011, 04:10 AM

Two communication successes tonight.

First, talking with Mr. A ... I didn't get as much contact from him today as I might have hoped, but he's apartment hunting, as well as starting a new job. I'm also sick and this makes me sucky.

So, we Skyped tonight, had a pleasant conversation about our repective days, and I felt included in his life. He confirmed that today he was just really swamped. He didn't message me tonight because he thought I was at choir, but didn't realize how sick I am. I was happy I didn't immediately jump to the wrong conclusions about the frequency of his communications today.

At the end of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to continue to chat on MSN and I told him I felt that my needs for the day had been met (which they had been), and I would be just fine with a goodnight text as long as he was. He said this suited him just fine, and we congratulated ourselves on communicating our requirements. :)

Second success was with Indigo. I am trying to not be a judgmental bitch, as I have been in the past. I sometimes find myself looking for fault in things he does, for ... well, I don't know the reason, yet. This can take the form of watching what he does or asking questions about his views on things, then criticizing based on these findings. More often these days though, I find myself watching and asking in order to better understand, not to judge. However, apparently these two mindsets look the same from the outside. :p

Tonight, my intentions were misunderstood twice. This left me feeling crappy, not only for being misunderstood, but also for the reminder of how not nice I can be when that's the opposite of my intent.

I don't blame Indigo for his misinterpretation of my intent. I've been this way since before I met him, and was raised with this way of being and still do it, despite my best efforts. If me trying to understand him better looks and feels similar to me being a judgey arse, well I know which one I'd choose in his place!

So we sat down and I explained how I felt I had been misunderstood, though I could tell why, and that I need him to be a little more trusting of my intentions because I am trying.

He agreed to ask for clarification when he feels like I'm judging him. This serves two purposes. If I'm not judging him, then we get to carry on like real adults. If I have slipped up and am judging, this gives me the opportunity to check myself and stop.

A productive night, indeed!

nycindie

02-02-2011, 09:54 AM

Mohegan

02-02-2011, 11:59 AM

If me trying to understand him better looks and feels similar to me being a judgey arse, well I know which one I'd choose in his place!

So we sat down and I explained how I felt I had been misunderstood, though I could tell why, and that I need him to be a little more trusting of my intentions because I am trying.

He agreed to ask for clarification when he feels like I'm judging him. This serves two purposes. If I'm not judging him, then we get to carry on like real adults. If I have slipped up and am judging, this gives me the opportunity to check myself and stop.

A productive night, indeed!

That sounds so similar to the talks going on here. The difference being instead of judging Karma, it appears that I judge everyone else I meet. That's not usualy the case, but it is how it appeared and we are working on the same plan. Clarification goes a long way.

Good luck!

SNeacail

02-02-2011, 06:12 PM

I am trying to not be a judgmental bitch, as I have been in the past. I sometimes find myself looking for fault in things he does, for ... well, I don't know the reason, yet. This can take the form of watching what he does or asking questions about his views on things, then criticizing based on these findings. More often these days though, I find myself watching and asking in order to better understand, not to judge. However, apparently these two mindsets look the same from the outside. :p

This is where I'm at also. I find myself asking because I want to understand, but immediately have to explain that I'm not trying to criticize again, I just want to understand. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.:p

TruckerPete

02-02-2011, 06:46 PM

Gosh, sometimes I feel like great communication is better than great sex (oh, well, I think of sex as a form of communication, so no wonder I correlate the two).

But really, it's so very satisfying when things fall into place like that and we gain clarity, especially after big misunderstandings. Yay!

I felt pretty satisfied, but you'll have to ask Indigo! :p

That sounds so similar to the talks going on here. The difference being instead of judging Karma, it appears that I judge everyone else I meet. That's not usualy the case, but it is how it appeared and we are working on the same plan. Clarification goes a long way.

Good luck!

I have noticed my tone far more of late, and have caught myself, especially at work saying things like, "That didn't come out right. Let me try again." In these situations, I don't realize how things could sound until I've already said them. I certainly didn't mean them the wrong way, but there ya go.

This is where I'm at also. I find myself asking because I want to understand, but immediately have to explain that I'm not trying to criticize again, I just want to understand. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.:p

I am relieved I'm not the only one with this issue ... :o

eklctc

02-05-2011, 03:40 AM

First, I want to say that I love you. Second, I want to say that I'm sorry that I have been so swamped from work that I haven't been able to keep up. Third, I'd like to say that I totally agree with NY regarding great communication being better than great sex at times (hell for me great communication Always leads to great sex because it's a turn-on for me AND I'm an aggressive beast:P). Fourth, great strides, my friend...great strides. I'm still sending loving and supportive vibes your way for you and your clan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*hugs*

TruckerPete

03-09-2011, 08:32 PM

I guess I've fallen into the trap of not updating when things are good.

Mr. A moved about two hours away. The job is great, our relationship is still strong, and even though the adjustment was a lot to deal with, we've got a schedule now and it's working for us.

Indigo got a great job as well, in his field. That's eased a fair bit of financial stress at home. We were treading water okay, but I felt like one wave would do us harm. I feel much better now.

Indigo is still "single", but he's good with that. I just want him to be happy, whether he decides another relationship will work for him, or wants to be mono to my poly.

I'm interested in someone new, we'll call him Vinny. Well, not really new. I was interested in him in the summer, but between Indigo and Mr. A I had no time for another relationship. Since the relationship with Mr. A has shifted form, I have more time.

Despite being a total flirt, Vinny is shy as hell. He knows I'm in an "open" (I've given up explaining poly to people at first go.) relationship, and that I have a boyfriend. I think he really doesn't know what to make of me, or my interest. He hasn't turned me down (I've given him plenty of opportunities to), but isn't making advances on his own.

I don't need any form of relationship with him to be happy. This, of course, makes me happy, because I do try and evaluate where I'm coming from as a general check. He's just an interesting person, whom I'd like to see what, if any, possibilities could develop with.

I should mention that both gents (Mr. A and Indigo) have given a green light for Vinny. Although, I did just have to double-check that with Indigo. He is aware that I'm interested, but we never had an actual conversation where he okayed it. Communication, yeah! (Lesson: don't assume things - check!)

In other news, I'm in the process of weaning myself off of my medication. It's been hell so far, I'm not going to lie. In a fit of frustration, I tried to go cold turkey, but the withdrawal was far too intense. For those of you interested, I was on 60mg of Cymbalta (the one giving me a bitch of a time), 2.5mg of olanzapine, 1-2mg of Clonazepam as needed, and 5 or 7.5mg of zopiclone for sleeping at night as needed.

Currently, I'm down to about 30mg of Cymbalta, 2mg of Clonazepam (helping with the anxiety from Cymbalta withdrawal), and taking zopiclone most nights to combat the nightmares from a med change. Like actual nightmares, not metaphorically speaking. :p

I've been on some sort of anti-depressant for the last 7 years. The only drug class I haven't tried has been MAOIs, which I'm reluctant to go to. The only other time I've stopped taking my medication was when I was on Remeron, and I decided I'd like to stop being a carb-craving zombie.

So, my entire adult life, I've been drugged. I'd like to try this life thing med-free, see if that changes anything.

Yeah. Lots going on.

Ariakas

03-09-2011, 08:49 PM

I'm interested in someone new, we'll call him Vinny. Well, not really new. I was interested in him in the summer, but between Indigo and Mr. A I had no time for another relationship. Since the relationship with Mr. A has shifted form, I have more time.

Despite being a total flirt, Vinny is shy as hell. He knows I'm in an "open" (I've given up explaining poly to people at first go.) relationship, and that I have a boyfriend. I think he really doesn't know what to make of me, or my interest. He hasn't turned me down (I've given him plenty of opportunities to), but isn't making advances on his own.

I don't need any form of relationship with him to be happy. This, of course, makes me happy, because I do try and evaluate where I'm coming from as a general check. He's just an interesting person, whom I'd like to see what, if any, possibilities could develop with.

Congrats TP :)... Hope he gets his flirt on. Could be gunshy for being a "3rd" or is he just shy. Either way congrats :)

In other news, I'm in the process of weaning myself off of my medication. It's been hell so far, I'm not going to lie. In a fit of frustration, I tried to go cold turkey, but the withdrawal was far too intense. For those of you interested, I was on 60mg of Cymbalta (the one giving me a bitch of a time), 2.5mg of olanzapine, 1-2mg of Clonazepam as needed, and 5 or 7.5mg of zopiclone for sleeping at night as needed.

Currently, I'm down to about 30mg of Cymbalta, 2mg of Clonazepam (helping with the anxiety from Cymbalta withdrawal), and taking zopiclone most nights to combat the nightmares from a med change. Like actual nightmares, not metaphorically speaking. :p

I've been on some sort of anti-depressant for the last 7 years. The only drug class I haven't tried has been MAOIs, which I'm reluctant to go to. The only other time I've stopped taking my medication was when I was on Remeron, and I decided I'd like to stop being a carb-craving zombie.

So, my entire adult life, I've been drugged. I'd like to try this life thing med-free, see if that changes anything.

Thats a big step. Congrats on this as well. I am confident for you :)

Mohegan

03-09-2011, 09:24 PM

I've been on meds the majority of my adult life as well. I went off them a little over a year ago. I still have one for as needed anxiety, but I no longer take anything all the time. I hit a few rough spots, but for the most part have done really well.

What has worked for me is journaling, or blogging when I am feeling good, and looking at it when I am in a deppressive fit. It helps me remember that this is not me, and not who I want to be. IT's the chemicals and my own inability to deal with things. Once I get a grip on how strong and confident I know I am , it makes coming out of it a lot quicker and a lot easier.

Good luck to you! I know weaning can be hard. I hit one of my worst patches when I came off the meds completely. I was about to go back on them (the Karma/Cricket drama first started about 2 months after I was off my meds. Great time to find out about a bunch of affairs!!) when I reminded myself that this is exactly the type of thing I will have to deal with and I can do it. Once got through the withdrawl symptoms I started feeling a lot better.

Hope it is a smooth process for you and it all works out!

TruckerPete

03-09-2011, 10:04 PM

I've never been good with journaling... Tend to feel stupid when I go back and read, whether it's good or bad stuff. I've only reread this blog once, and that was enough!

I was hoping for a tradeoff... I know the meds even out my mood, but hopefully I can use natural highs, which would otherwise get "flattened", to get motivated to do things like exercise, etc. that will in turn improve my mood and compensate for the lows that will also naturally occur.

nycindie

03-09-2011, 10:11 PM

Hi TP, sounds like things are going well. Good to hear! Yes, do come back and post when things are good - not only do all of us want to read good news, it helps to remind you of your blessings.

I was prescribed antidepressants only twice in my life, the most recent after my husband left and I became a sobbing heap for about three months straight. I was prescribed an SSRI to help me through. It worked for the first few months, I think. Crying jags decreased. Then the doc upped my dosage.

Unfortunately, the side effects were too much. I am someone who normally rarely gets headaches and I was having them all day every day, and the moodswings and crying jags were back. After a month of that, and having seriously suicidal thoughts, I went off them - now I know I can't really compare my short experience to yours, but I wanted to pass along what I began doing to soften the withdrawal process. Since I couldn't take it anymore and my doc hadn't gotten back to me with a new scrip for something else, I just stopped taking them cold. In their place, I started taking 5-HTP from the health food store. I had found numerous message boards where folks who had been on all sort of antidepressants switched to 5-HTP and were very happy. I also read about a controversial study that has been pooh-poohed by the larger medical community, in which they determined that antidepressants are no more effective than placebos. Food for thought. After going off the SSRIs, I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms and -- thank the universe -- the headaches were gone. They literally stopped the day after I stopped taking the prescription meds. 5-HTP does something with serotonin. With that I am taking L-Tyrosine, after someone here recommended it to help with the 5-HTP, Ginkgo Biloba, and Ginseng. So far, so good!!

When I finally got to see my shrink, he said we'll meet again after a month and see how it goes. Fortunately, he knows about naturopathic remedies, too. He said we can also try SAME or St. John's Wort (separately, not all at once) if the 5-HTP doesn't do a good job. But I am feeling so much better now, I think I'll stick with it. Next step in keeping my depression at bay will be regular exercise - if I can make it a habit. So important!!

All the best to you...

TruckerPete

03-14-2011, 03:15 PM

Weaning is going as well as can be expected. I have this uncomfortable "itchy" feeling inside my body ... I feel like if I could take my skin off and scratch the inside of it, I would experience much relief. It's an uncomfortable, but manageable feeling. Much better than the cold turkey brain zaps. :(

To update on various things ... Vinny was not interested. Said he wanted to see someone exclusively. That is understandable, and we're still on good terms. (I made a joke about being happy that asking him out was over, as I hate that part, and he agreed that it's not a favourite activity of his as well. :p ) I look forward to seeing him again when diving season gets underway.

So, I've started looking on Plenty of Fish. (OKC is not a good resource around here.) Indigo and Mr. A are both supportive of this, no matter which sex a potential partner might be. I am a very lucky gal.

I clearly state in my profile that I'm happily married, with a boyfriend, and in an open and poly relationship. It's been interesting ... I've had some fun questions, but no hatemail. (Yet!)

I'll keep you posted, though I'm not seriously looking. (Just window shopping! :p)

Carma

03-14-2011, 03:32 PM

TruckerPete

03-14-2011, 04:27 PM

I could never handle the side effects of meds. Have tried them off and on throughout the past 14 years -- whenever depression gets a tight hold, I cave in and try again. Never works. I hate being a zombie. Prozac sent me manic a couple times, and that was scary as hell.

They say that exercise can be as effective as a mild anti-depressant. So even though I'd MUCH rather take a pill and get on with it... I've been trying to take more long walks. Not only does it get me out of the house, I get a brighter perspective when I'm out in the world, my heart is healthier, plus my butt gets some toning, which is a great side effect, for sure!

Good luck, TP! :)

Prozac sent me hypo-manic, too! It was crazy, because I didn't even realize it was happening, but looking back I can see it. (Of particular note was dragging my BF at the time home for sex at lunch when I'd previously had no sex drive. :S ) I had wicked nightmares on the stuff and terrible anxiety.

I'd much rather take a pill and get on with it, too, but the pills really aren't working. I'm not at the point yet where I can just get up and go for a walk when I feel crappy. However, I have noticed that when I have a fleeting impulse to do something (such as a household chore), it's much easier to follow through.

Baby steps!

TruckerPete

03-15-2011, 02:33 AM

Mr. A said something last night that made me smile. "It's weird how the more open we are to other people, the closer we feel to each other."

I experienced the very same thing with Indigo when I started seeing Mr. A, and have seen that sentiment echoed tens of times on this forum. I'm so very happy he's found this nugget himself.

Ah poly! What a beautiful thing you are! :)

TruckerPete

03-15-2011, 02:20 PM

Mr. A is coming to visit this weekend. I am very happy for a number of reasons. The most obvious is that I haven't seen him for two weeks, so I look forward to the comfort offered by physical closeness.

Second, I'm excited to have him in our home. I miss our weekly dates, the three of us. It brought me such joy to see him and Indigo together, nerding out over some thing or another. I can't wait to sit back and enjoy their friendship. :)

Finally, I'm happy that this visit was negotiated with such ease. This will be the first time Mr. A has stayed overnight at our house, as when he lived in town I went to his place. Indigo has no issue with us sharing the air mattress in the spare room. In fact, he even offered up our bed with him on the air mattress, but that wouldn't have felt right to me. Besides, we're in need of a new bed and the air mattress is actually comfier. ;)

Last night, I asked Indigo what he thought was reasonable in terms of alone time for me and Mr. A. It was easier to ask than I thought it would be. Awesomely enough, we had the same thing in mind: alone time when Mr. A arrives Saturday night, and some time Sunday afternoon. There will be texts/calls to make sure there are no surprises for me and Mr. A, and, more importantly, so that Indigo doesn't feel unwelcome in his own home or uncomfortable coming back. I do want alone time, but I feel the group time is just as important in maintaining four healthy relationships. I'm very, very pleased that we have struck a nice balance between the two.

So yeah. Good times to be had by all this weekend. :):)

nycindie

03-15-2011, 08:24 PM

I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog. It makes me so happy to see how you all negotiate, communicate, and love each other. I read your story and feel hopeful about the possibilities for myself! Thank you for being so open in sharing this aspect of your lives with us!

TruckerPete

03-16-2011, 04:17 PM

Fuck, I'm a lucky gal.

*************************
TruckerPete
i feel like shit
very anxious today
Mr. A
*hugs*
I love you very much, and I'm not going anywhere, no matter what other relationships you decide to embark on
Just sayin'
TruckerPete
well, you hit the nail on the head :o
haha
Mr. A
I pay attention good!
TruckerPete
thank you
*************************

Penny

03-16-2011, 08:59 PM

I just finished reading your blog from start to finish. Parts of it resonated for me so much, I read them aloud to my hubby.

I love snuggling down between my guys and listening to them geek out. Their friendship makes me feel all kinds of warm and squishy inside.

I found your thoughts on coming out insightful and pertinent to my own situation, and what you wrote about accepting your relationships rather than ranking them was inspirational and was one of the bits I read to Thumper.

I haven't blogged here because my relationship has been happy and successful. After reading yours, I figure I should.

SNeacail

03-16-2011, 09:16 PM

I haven't blogged here because my relationship has been happy and successful. After reading yours, I figure I should.

Happy and successful:D Oh, please do!

TruckerPete

03-16-2011, 11:09 PM

Penny, thank you so much for your kind words! I can't wait to read your story. :)

Penny

03-16-2011, 11:55 PM

I quoted your title at the end of my first blog post. It is a lot of work, but it's work worth doing.

TruckerPete

03-17-2011, 11:32 AM

I quoted your title at the end of my first blog post. It is a lot of work, but it's work worth doing.

That is most definitely the implication I was going for.

Indigomontoya

04-02-2011, 09:37 PM

So my love my love I went slightly board crazy...reading and posting and deciding not to post for fear my filter would come off and then I'd be a troll with anything constructive being lost in the mire...anyhoo I just wanted to say after reading some posts I appreciate your understanding and willingness to listen and act on my concerns when we started down this path more now...

Love you very much wifey...

TruckerPete

04-02-2011, 09:54 PM

*swoon* :o

TruckerPete

04-15-2011, 05:02 PM

So ... it's been a while!

Okay, let's start with meds. I'm down to roughly a quarter dose of my Cymbalta. It's hard to measure, since it's in bead form. When I forget to take my dose, I still get withdrawal symptoms, so I amd not sure how I'm going to get off. I have a strong suspicion that I'll need to start counting out beads. :(

Clonazepam is down to a couple of times a week. Olanzapine is still at nothing. That one is done, as far as I'm concerned. The sleeping pills are also at maybe a few times a month. Hurrah!

There have been exactly two days since starting my medication that I've woken up without nasty anxiety. *sigh* That really is the worst part now. I no longer enjoy my morning coffee. I may start cutting it out all together.

It's much easier to wake up now, and my routine is slowly improving in terms of being ready and out the door on time. Baby steps.

I haven't started any sort of exercise yet, but I have noticed that I feel more inclined to do things. Hopefully that inclination will grow past the tipping point.

Since December, I've lost 15 of the 20lbs the olanzapine packed on. I am happy with this progress. I have been watching what I eat and eating smaller portions. I feel full much more quickly, and make sure I acknowledge this feeling and actually stop eating when it happens. Once I get some physical activity into my routine, the weight loss should really kick in.

And poly things ... Well, everything is going well to be perfectly honest. That is why it's hard to update!

I'm going to Mr. A's parents' for Easter. This is thrilling beyond words. I am so happy to be included in their lives and accepted by them, minus the fact that they don't know about Indigo. Ah well. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm so relieved that the long distance is working with Mr. A. We are both making an effort to show the other person that they're in our thoughts and appreciated, while still maintaining our own independent lives. We're pretty awesome at communicating what we need to each other. The distance sucks, but we're doing well. I would really consider this my first successful LDR. All other attempts have resulted in me pining away or becoming too dependent on the other person.

Indigo and I would like to start trying for kids in the fall. As much as I want it, I'm petrified! Mr. A fully supports us, and expected it to happen soon. I hope he will be able to stick around through the radical shift in priorities that will happen with kids in the picture. There will definitely be some serious talks about expectations and changes in the nearish future.

Indigo is still struggling with guilt over the difference in our libidos. I can only help him so much. I can not pressure him, I can reassure him, I can love him, but he's the only one who can stop the guilt. It is difficult to see his pain and not be able to fix it. But, I remind myself that as long as I'm being loving and supporting, he is responsible for his own feelings. I will not own that guilt. I can't. I have enough of my own baggage! ;) We've had some kickass sex this week, so it's nice that our own issues aren't carrying over to that to the same extent they used to.

I have a FWB. I'll call him Rowsdower. We've been seeing each other for about a month, maybe a bit more. It's nice and low key. We talk most days, see each other about once a week, and just have fun. There is definitely a friendship there, but I'm certainly not head over heels gaga for him or anything like that. I care about him, and that's that. We are just enjoying each other's company with no greater expectations. It's quite nice! We only have two rules for our relationship. One, if one of us wants to have sex with someone else, the other party must be informed. Two, if one of us develops deeper feelings for the other, we tell them. So far, no conversations have been needed.

So yeah ... That's my life in a nutshell right now!

Morningglory629

04-19-2011, 06:37 AM

I'm going to Mr. A's parents' for Easter. This is thrilling beyond words. I am so happy to be included in their lives and accepted by them, minus the fact that they don't know about Indigo. Ah well. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

Congrats! Enjoy! Always good to get some interaction with his loved ones in a positive way. How long have you and Mr A been involved at this point?

Indigo is still struggling with guilt over the difference in our libidos. I can only help him so much. I can not pressure him, I can reassure him, I can love him, but he's the only one who can stop the guilt. It is difficult to see his pain and not be able to fix it. But, I remind myself that as long as I'm being loving and supporting, he is responsible for his own feelings. I will not own that guilt. I can't. I have enough of my own baggage!

Going through this with Hubs. And I must say I haven't been pressuring but it confuses me much of the time. Not sure if I am not pressuring because I want him to work through it himself OR because I have 2rings fulfilling that part of my life.:confused:

I have a FWB. I'll call him Rowsdower. We've been seeing each other for about a month, maybe a bit more. It's nice and low key. We talk most days, see each other about once a week, and just have fun. There is definitely a friendship there, but I'm certainly not head over heels gaga for him or anything like that. I care about him, and that's that. We are just enjoying each other's company with no greater expectations. It's quite nice! We only have two rules for our relationship. One, if one of us wants to have sex with someone else, the other party must be informed. Two, if one of us develops deeper feelings for the other, we tell them. So far, no conversations have been needed.

Would you say this is a loving relationship or casual friendship? Curiosity about your definitions of FWB vs having deeper feelings.

Good read so far. Thanks for sharing!;)

TruckerPete

04-19-2011, 11:13 AM

Congrats! Enjoy! Always good to get some interaction with his loved ones in a positive way. How long have you and Mr A been involved at this point?

Nine months. Damn it's gone quickly. This has been a busy year!

Would you say this is a loving relationship or casual friendship? Curiosity about your definitions of FWB vs having deeper feelings.

Just a casual friendship. Although, I have had loving FWB relationships before. They all fall within the FWB definition for me.

JameeDee

04-19-2011, 06:48 PM

So for anyone out there reading, don't panic if you should experience the same. These loves of mine are very different in my heart. My mono-trained, logical brain wanted to rank them, but my heart has prevailed and simply loves.

I've stolen this and saved it to reference when I start feeling crazy. <3

Thank you so much for sharing :)

TruckerPete

04-19-2011, 06:54 PM

I've stolen this and saved it to reference when I start feeling crazy. <3

Thank you so much for sharing :)

*blush* Thank you! :)

JameeDee

04-22-2011, 06:55 PM

I have just finished reading your blog from beginning to end. I will echo previous comments....thank you so much for sharing. It really helps so much to know there are others working thru similar issues.

:)

Best of luck to you and Indigo and Mr. A!!!!

<3

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 01:05 AM

Had a great weekend with Mr. A and then later his family. They really like me. I feel like a great big sack of shit for lying about my situation. Definitely fought back a panic attack this morning in church, with all the talk about not sinning and honesty and blah blah blah. Mr. A's mother sings in the choir. Indigo's mother sings in her church's choir. It was weird to know that she was likely doing the same things we were.

Indigo's parents thought I was with Dad. And that was strange enough for her to deal with, that Indigo and I might have separate holidays.

The lying is weighing very, very heavily on my heart. It hurts a lot.

I don't know how we can possibly pull this off. If we don't get caught lying, then they are eventually told and all hell breaks loose.

I feel so very selfish.

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 01:09 PM

Aaaaaand a friend request from Mr. A's sister on Facebook this morning. So accepting would out us completely, and ignoring it will make me look like a bitch.

It's too bad, because she's someone I would love to know better. :(

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 01:30 PM

I need to suck it up and not be selfish. However uncomfortable I feel now is nothing compared to how they would feel if family knew.

Indigo:
It may not be easy to be with Mr. A, the distance and his family, but for you I think it's worth it.

nycindie

04-25-2011, 02:17 PM

You're not selfish for protecting them from information that could upset them. Nor for protecting yourself. It's self-preservation. You don't owe them any explanations. All they need to know is that Mr. A. is happy.

Aaaaaand a friend request from Mr. A's sister on Facebook this morning. So accepting would out us completely, and ignoring it will make me look like a bitch.

I don't think you'd look like a bitch for that! Lots of people keep FB just for work contacts, etc., or take months and months to accept a friend request. If she ever asks you why you're not accepting it, just say, "Oh, it's better just to reach me through email instead." You could add that you hardly ever check FB, but I don't know if that would be another white lie you'd feel guilty about.

Carma

04-25-2011, 02:30 PM

Seems like the good, the bad and the ugly, of poly :(

I can imagine myself in your shoes, and I feel so sad that the society we live in is not open to poly lifestyles. Isn't it a shame? Having to "lie" about something that is good! I'm happy you had a good time, sad that you are in this position, and frustrated about the status quo that is messing everything up :mad:

BlackUnicorn

04-25-2011, 02:35 PM

Indigo's parents thought I was with Dad. And that was strange enough for her to deal with, that Indigo and I might have separate holidays.

The lying is weighing very, very heavily on my heart. It hurts a lot.

I don't know how we can possibly pull this off. If we don't get caught lying, then they are eventually told and all hell breaks loose.

I feel so very selfish.

Hmm, so Indigo's parents don't know either?

I agree - some families work on the DADT principle, some on the Need To Know Only. I couldn't do either. But it seems by your posts that things are fast progressing to Need To Know.

What is the absolutely most terrible thing you can imagine can come out of this? Heart attack? Disowning? Nobody will ever talk to you again?

Aaaaaand a friend request from Mr. A's sister on Facebook this morning. So accepting would out us completely, and ignoring it will make me look like a bitch.

Hmpf, this is the reason why I don't FB. Don't feel comfortable turning down friend requests, and the five people I would unconditionally accept are the five people I hang out with all the time anyway :confused:.

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 03:15 PM

Thanks, guys. I needed this.

You're not selfish for protecting them from information that could upset them. Nor for protecting yourself. It's self-preservation. You don't owe them any explanations. All they need to know is that Mr. A. is happy.

Yes, I hope that if our relationship reaches a point where they need to know, (ie living together) that they'll remember the happy part and the nice gal they've met and like.

I don't think you'd look like a bitch for that! Lots of people keep FB just for work contacts, etc., or take months and months to accept a friend request. If she ever asks you why you're not accepting it, just say, "Oh, it's better just to reach me through email instead." You could add that you hardly ever check FB, but I don't know if that would be another white lie you'd feel guilty about.

Yes, we had already told her that I don't use it much, and being in IT, see it only as a gateway to identity theft. I think if she asks Mr. A about it, I'll have him give her my MSN.

Seems like the good, the bad and the ugly, of poly :(

I can imagine myself in your shoes, and I feel so sad that the society we live in is not open to poly lifestyles. Isn't it a shame? Having to "lie" about something that is good! I'm happy you had a good time, sad that you are in this position, and frustrated about the status quo that is messing everything up :mad:

Yes, if people could just see the good, the love, and not jump straight to what they perceive to be so horrible.

I also found out this weekend that Mr. A is more than a little worried about his family labelling him as a homewrecker.

Hmm, so Indigo's parents don't know either?

I agree - some families work on the DADT principle, some on the Need To Know Only. I couldn't do either. But it seems by your posts that things are fast progressing to Need To Know.

I think Indigo's family is approaching that point, certainly. I honestly don't know how they'd react.

What is the absolutely most terrible thing you can imagine can come out of this? Heart attack? Disowning? Nobody will ever talk to you again?

Really, you really want to ask someone with an anxiety disorder that question?? :p

I don't see Indigo's family disowning us. Mr. A's family is tight-knit and judgy of each other. I think his parents' reaction would be largely based on what others would think, combined with their own religious beliefs. Unfortunately, Mr. A is still reliant on his parents as a financial safety net. He's a pilot, and he's only been in the career for a handful of years. Not enough time to land a secure job that pays enough to put him above the poverty line. He works long days, with not enough time off to have a second job.

Hmpf, this is the reason why I don't FB. Don't feel comfortable turning down friend requests, and the five people I would unconditionally accept are the five people I hang out with all the time anyway :confused:.

With the exception of poly, I don't censor myself on FB. But yeah. Indigo suggested I lock down the settings for the sister, but I'd still have to watch what others posted, and what I posted. It would be far, far too much.

I guess I just need to keep in sight that I'm doing this for Indigo and Mr. A. I've been as honest as my family will allow (Dad knows, but doesn't ask, however will listen to stories, etc.), and that's all I can control.

BlackUnicorn

04-25-2011, 03:26 PM

Really, you really want to ask someone with an anxiety disorder that question?? :p

Hehee, I have an anxiety disorder myself, and that's what my therapist keeps on asking me! Just passing on the fun :p.

Unfortunately, Mr. A is still reliant on his parents as a financial safety net. He's a pilot, and he's only been in the career for a handful of years. Not enough time to land a secure job that pays enough to put him above the poverty line.

Yep, sounds like you have to suck it up until Mr. A is more financially secure. The two situations where I (out of personal experience) don't recommend anyone to come out to their parents is when they are still living with them and/or are financially reliant on them.

Mr. A is probably right on the mark with that home wrecker stuff. I sure have been labeled a one (and by close friends to boot). Also, people will probably (and I distinctly remember Indigo already posting something on this) think that your marriage is really on the rocks - how would a healthy relationship otherwise need something like poly :rolleyes:, right?

Carma

04-25-2011, 03:27 PM

I also found out this weekend that Mr. A is more than a little worried about his family labelling him as a homewrecker.

I just found out recently that this is my bf's biggest fear :( (Not his family, specifically, doing the labeling, but society as a whole).

I've caused problems in our V by telling people and having it "travel" accidentally. I want to be honest and I want to be real. I want the ideal. But this world we live in? Ain't no Utopia, is it?

Makes me so sad for you, when things are so good, that you cannot love out loud.

BlackUnicorn

04-25-2011, 03:31 PM

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 03:46 PM

If there's anything good about being out and poly to an unappreciative audience, it sure makes the whole bisexuality issue pale in comparison. I think Mum would pick me dating a girl in a heartbeat over me with a married couple!

Hah. Yes it does! I sometimes wonder if dating a gal would be more "acceptable" than another guy.

TruckerPete

04-25-2011, 04:16 PM

So I can refer back to this when I need to, Mr. A's thoughts on the advice given.

Mr. A:
I like the comment about self preservation.
That sums up my feelings exactly.
I want to protect and cherish what we have.
And I see the family as a threat to our happiness.
So yeah, they're all "need to know".

JameeDee

04-25-2011, 04:39 PM

Oh, he is so sweet! No wonder you love him :)

TruckerPete

04-26-2011, 05:10 PM

Thank you to everyone who contributed yesterday. Feeling much, MUCH better today, and more grounded.

Morningglory629

04-27-2011, 07:49 AM

Thank you to everyone who contributed yesterday. Feeling much, MUCH better today, and more grounded.

Good. That wave thing happening. Keep floating!

TruckerPete

05-04-2011, 05:55 PM

Strange little thing happened ... I was at lunch with a group of coworkers, and we were talking about something that through Mr. A, I know about. We were trying to one up each other, and my one coworker, who knows I'm poly and knows about Mr. A said, "Well you only know that because of your boyfriend! :p"

I kind of froze ... some of the people there already knew, some probably knew, and at least one didn't. My heart did that big ol' ka-THUMP.

My reaction sucked, but the way my coworker said it, he obviously wasn't trying to out me. I've just normalized my poly to him. So, that's a win, right?

My stomach is still in my throat, though. :o

MonoVCPHG

05-04-2011, 07:04 PM

My stomach is still in my throat, though. :o

Focus on the benifit of this...imagine how much faster you can eat!

TruckerPete

05-04-2011, 07:56 PM

Focus on the benifit of this...imagine how much faster you can eat!

Sooooooo typical of you, Mono, always thinking with your ... stomach!

MonoVCPHG

05-04-2011, 08:03 PM

Sooooooo typical of you, Mono, always thinking with your ... stomach!

That's where my real brain is afterall. Some would say it's just a bit higher than most guys' :eek:

TruckerPete

05-04-2011, 08:04 PM

That's where my real brain is afterall. Some would say it's just a bit higher than most guys' :eek:

Guys keep their brains in their knees?

BlackUnicorn

05-05-2011, 09:07 AM

... some of the people there already knew, some probably knew, and at least one didn't.

Did this person talk about it to you afterwards?

TruckerPete

05-05-2011, 11:16 AM

Did this person talk about it to you afterwards?

No. His response would likely be "That's weird. Whatever." He's not a coworker I see all the time. He works in a different building. The others all "live" within ten feet of my office, though.

Morningglory629

05-05-2011, 07:30 PM

I just found out recently that this is my bf's biggest fear :( (Not his family, specifically, doing the labeling, but society as a whole).

I've caused problems in our V by telling people and having it "travel" accidentally. I want to be honest and I want to be real. I want the ideal. But this world we live in? Ain't no Utopia, is it?

Makes me so sad for you, when things are so good, that you cannot love out loud.

Just had this conversation. It is sooooo important because this "Ain't no Utopia" just how people- everyone in your life- is introduced to the idea/reality of poly.
Feelin for ya TP!;)

TruckerPete

05-07-2011, 11:27 PM

Blech. Mr. A just called. His work day has been extended rather significantly to a 14 hour day. It's very likely that he's not making it in tonight.

Goddamn this long distance thing sucks. :(

Ivy

05-10-2011, 12:19 AM

Goddamn this long distance thing sucks. :(

Having just read your entire blog beginning to end...wow, yeah, that sucks! :(

But you're so resilient and confident, both personally and in your relationships, that I'm sure you'll manage to find time with him one way or another. Just in case, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. :D

And please, when things are going well, pleasepleaseplease KEEP POSTING! The good stuff makes it all seem less impossible! If all I read here was conflict and horribleness, I'd already be skittering back under my monogamy rock.

TruckerPete

05-10-2011, 12:59 AM

And please, when things are going well, pleasepleaseplease KEEP POSTING! The good stuff makes it all seem less impossible! If all I read here was conflict and horribleness, I'd already be skittering back under my monogamy rock.

Monogamy rock ... I have to say I'm a little in love with your sense of humour. :p

Alright, good things, here we go!

Mr. A came down Sunday morning. The three of us went out to brunch. It was yummy! After brunch, we picked out flowers for Indigo's mum for Mother's Day and then he left to drop them off and do some running around. This gave Mr. A and I some alone time, which was of course, appreciated. We spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around, and actually watched The Human Centipede. Dreadful movie! I highly recommend it for bad movie fans.

Indigo and I had to go to a family function that night for his dad's 60th birthday. There was a lot of family there. It was reasonably successful ... only two family members asked if I was pregnant yet! We told them the due date was 2015. Hah. It didn't last as long as we'd thought it would, so we got home with enough time for all of us to watch random crap on Netflix. Good times, good snuggles.

I had taken today off, so Mr. A and I spent a loverly day together. We woke up to fresh made coffee (thank you, Indigo!) and played video games all morning! In the afternoon, we actually went shopping. This is a big deal for me. I found three shirts and a pair of shorts for myself. Mr. A got three shirts and two pairs of pants for himself. We picked up dinner fixings, and I came home and made dinner for the guys. Mmmmm. BBQ!

Mr. A is gone now, and as much as the goodbyes suck, I didn't cry at the end of this one! I'm getting better. :p

For anyone wondering about logistics, when Mr. A comes to visit, he and I sleep on the air mattress in the spare room and Indigo takes our bed. Because we need a new bed, the air mattress is actually much comfier! :p That could also be because there aren't hordes of animals with us, though. Hehehe.

Any who, back to work tomorrow. I'm feeling very content right now.

Ivy

05-10-2011, 03:37 PM

I have to say I'm a little in love with your sense of humour. :p

:D

I'm feeling very content right now.

Hooray! See, I knew there were good times coming.

Thanks for the happy fix! :cool:

Morningglory629

05-12-2011, 04:40 AM

Monogamy rock...does that mean if you are monogamous you are stuck between a rock and a hard, er place?! LOL!:p

Good for you TP. So glad it was a good weekend for you. Time management is a skill. Hope the LDR gets easier. A man that has coffee ready for ya at wake up is aces in my book! Excellent Indigo!:D

TruckerPete

06-06-2011, 01:58 AM

Another wonderful weekend. Mr. A came up to visit. I love having him here. I am so motivated to do things when both men are in the house. Far more than I am for either one of them alone. Weird, eh?

Indigo made a hair appointment for me yesterday, so I could feel nice and pretty for Mr. A. It was really thoughtful. And Mr. A quite enjoyed my new haircut!

I'm also having more feelings for Rowsdower. Not sure if I can quantify it - more than a month ago, less than in loooooove. The guys are both supportive. Since I'm not asking for any changes in terms of time spent with Rowsdower or anything like that it doesn't affect them, but of course they still need to know.

So that's really it for me. Nothing earth shattering here. Just life as usual!

Ariakas

06-06-2011, 02:01 AM

Congrats TP... :)

Morningglory629

06-06-2011, 08:16 PM

Another wonderful weekend. Mr. A came up to visit. I love having him here. I am so motivated to do things when both men are in the house. Far more than I am for either one of them alone. Weird, eh?

NOT WEIRD! I actually fantasize about this! I so wish that was my situation. Sounds like fun, satisfaction, accomplishment and perfection.
Also why I envy RP!!!

TruckerPete

06-06-2011, 08:56 PM

NOT WEIRD! I actually fantasize about this! I so wish that was my situation. Sounds like fun, satisfaction, accomplishment and perfection.
Also why I envy RP!!!

I certainly wish it could happen more often! And yes. To everything you said. :D

TruckerPete

06-12-2011, 05:56 PM

Mr. A is basically "on call" at work for the foreseeable future. There are not enough hours to keep him employed in a putting food in his belly and paying his rent kind of way. They will call when there's work.

He had thought to apply for jobs in his field everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Remote places. I asked him some tough questions. Namely, if he was going down this path purely because he didn't know what else to do. Turns out the answer was kind of a yes.

The compromise is to apply for jobs in his field within about a 2 hour radius of where I live. And to apply (with assistance from Indigo and me) for jobs that aren't in his field in the same city as me.

Indigo didn't hesitate to offer the spare room to Mr. A.

All I can think is "Holy fuck. There is a very real chance my boyfriend might move in in the next few months." It's a little exciting. It's mostly terrifying. What if the whole thing blows up?? But maybe it won't? I have to try. This is, after all, what I think I want in life.

But hey, maybe he'll get a job in his field and it won't happen. Maybe he won't have to give up his dream after all.

vixtresses

06-12-2011, 06:40 PM

Another wonderful weekend. Mr. A came up to visit. I love having him here. I am so motivated to do things when both men are in the house. Far more than I am for either one of them alone. Weird, eh?

Hey, the same thing happened to me yesterday when my fiance and my (brand new) interest were hanging out with me at home. I actually got all the laundry done, for once. Go figure!

Indigomontoya

06-12-2011, 07:45 PM

So I might be getting a little brother??

AWESOME

TruckerPete

06-12-2011, 07:51 PM

So I might be getting a little brother??

AWESOME

That's not ... I ... Fuck it. Yes dear.

nycindie

06-12-2011, 08:03 PM

Indigo didn't hesitate to offer the spare room to Mr. A.

All I can think is "Holy fuck. There is a very real chance my boyfriend might move in in the next few months." It's a little exciting. It's mostly terrifying. What if the whole thing blows up?? But maybe it won't? I have to try. This is, after all, what I think I want in life.

WOW! Exhilaration times one hundred!

I remember the night before my husband moved in with me before we were engaged. I was bouncing off the walls (almost literally), couldn't sleep, hardly ate, the adrenaline was racing. It was the thing I wanted most,, could not believe he wanted it too, and alternated between being amazed and terrified it was happening, and almost hoping it wouldn't.

Well, no need to jump to conclusions yet. But embracing change is a good thing! It is obvious that you have the most awesome supportive partner in Indigo AND also that you have have something solid with Mr. A. no matter if he winds up far away or moves in with you.

Woo-hoo, what a wild ride!

BlackUnicorn

06-15-2011, 08:43 AM

So I might be getting a little brother??

AWESOME

I remember reading about a Himalayan tribe where brothers would marry the same woman and bring her to the family farm and live all together happily ever after.

So now you only need a sherpa.

TruckerPete

06-21-2011, 02:13 AM

Mr. A visited his family today. I'm not sure how it came up, but he told his parents kinda sorta about me and Indigo.

Well, it was one plausible "scenario" we'd thought of to explain our living arrangements. He told them that Indigo and I live together. That he's my ex, and the breakup was amicable, but we bought the house together when we were dating. And that we live together because it's financially beneficial.

He told them that he and Indigo get along well and have the same sense of humour, and that the three of us hang out.

They were actually okay with this. His mom said that if our (my and Indigo's) relationship works for us, who were they to judge?

:eek:

This is better than I was expecting. They are nice people, but more judgmental than I'm comfy with. The family also tends to be quite critical of who is doing what, working where, dating who, etc. to the point that Mr. A was happy his cousin had met his fianceé online because it paved the way for us.

Indigo did point out that broken up and living together was quite different from married and dating their son, but still ... if they hadn't been okay with this scenario, then they certainly wouldn't be alright with the truth.

I still feel crummy for lying, but it's not my choice, really. At least it's less lying.

AnnabelMore

06-21-2011, 03:15 AM

So I might be getting a little brother??

AWESOME

This is the most adorable thing anyone has ever said.

Minxxa

06-21-2011, 04:07 AM

It's sometimes such a fine fine line with the lying. :-/

I'm a big one for being completely honest. I HATE lying and other than that I suck at it too. LOL

But then I have a world where I don't have to explain anything to anybody. My mom is old and we don't talk about the specifics of my relationship with my husband. I don't have anyone to explain anything to... but then I don't have family I share days and holidays with either. My m-in-law most likely doesn't know but she knows her son and I doubt she'd be surprised. We just haven't been in the position to HAVE to explain anything yet.

Long story short (sheesh), I understand where you're coming from.

TruckerPete

06-27-2011, 01:43 AM

Mr. A was up this weekend. In fact, he's still up! He wanted to stay another night, but didn't want to impose on Indigo and me. I told him I was fine with it, but he'd have to check with Indigo himself. Indigo said he was rather sheepish and didn't even get to asking before Indigo caught on and offered.

Ah, what wonderful men I have in my life!

Mr. A and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend. We went to the Keg. It was pretty awesome! It's so nice to order a rare steak and GET a rare steak. Mmmmm. Oh yeah, and the company wasn't half bad, either!

Thank you, Indigo. I wouldn't have another wonderful person in my life if it wasn't for your bravery and selflessness in taking this journey with me. You've grown so much in the last year, and I am so proud of you! I love watching you take your own happiness and wellbeing into your hands.

Funny story for the rest of you ... I commented to Indigo that it had been a while (several months) since he'd expressed worry that he was "boring" and Mr. A was exciting and interesting and we did neat things together. I was expecting some sort of profound statement realizing self-growth on Indigo's part. No, he said that he noticed that Mr. A and I were just as "boring" together as Indigo and me. :p

Ariakas

06-27-2011, 01:48 AM

Congrats again TP.. on one year. A great milestone. :)

And celebrating at the keg.. one of my favorite places. ;)

BrigidsDaughter

06-27-2011, 01:49 AM

:-) That sounds like something my guys would say.

nycindie

06-27-2011, 02:07 AM

Woo-Hoo!

Minxxa

06-28-2011, 01:39 AM

Funny story for the rest of you ... I commented to Indigo that it had been a while (several months) since he'd expressed worry that he was "boring" and Mr. A was exciting and interesting and we did neat things together. I was expecting some sort of profound statement realizing self-growth on Indigo's part. No, he said that he noticed that Mr. A and I were just as "boring" together as Indigo and me. :p

LOL. It is kind of a profound statement considering a lot of newly nonmonogamous people worry about being boring while the new person is exciting! :)

TruckerPete

06-28-2011, 01:47 AM

LOL. It is kind of a profound statement considering a lot of newly nonmonogamous people worry about being boring while the new person is exciting! :)

Yeah, he didn't believe me months ago when I said I LIKE being boring. Maybe now he believes ... :rolleyes: Hehehehe.

TruckerPete

06-29-2011, 11:35 AM

Mr. A got a callback from a job in Peace River. That's halfway across the country and 5-6 hours from the nearest major city.

The types of questions they were asking are the questions you ask a very very short list of candidates.

Last night, I was devastated. Today, I'm not quite so. It would be an amazing opportunity for him. It will break my heart.

We will know in the next few days.

Morningglory629

06-30-2011, 10:10 PM

YIKES! And good luck for him, and peace and love for you, and here's to travel and being able to segue to a happy LDR if need be.;)

TruckerPete

07-01-2011, 03:39 AM

Okay, so the job opportunity people said they would call today if he had the job. And that if they didn't call, he did not get the job.

And ... no phone call! I am still very, very hesitant to believe he's not leaving. Maybe they will call tomorrow. :mad:

Here's the thing though, assuming he didn't get the job, he is moving in! Because any job he would get would require a commute of roughly the same length and the rent he would pay us is much cheaper than his current living expenses.

Holy fuck. I could be living my poly dream soon. :eek:

What a roller coaster this week has been. *sobs*

Tonberry

07-01-2011, 12:10 PM

Best wishes, TP! I really hope he ends up moving in. It's very exciting! Can't wait to read about it like I did with RP's story :D

nycindie

07-01-2011, 06:06 PM

Wow, so much happening! Whatever the outcome is, I know you will all handle it with grace, honesty, and caring. Such a wild adventure, huh?

TruckerPete

07-01-2011, 07:32 PM

Wow, so much happening! Whatever the outcome is, I know you will all handle it with grace, honesty, and caring. Such a wild adventure, huh?

Yes, thank you, and yes. :)

Freetime

07-02-2011, 03:31 AM

TruckerPete

07-04-2011, 01:40 AM

I made a really nice beer butt chicken tonight, with baby red potatoes and a Caesar salad. We watched a movie together.

Now, Mr. A is finishing the dishes and Indigo is putting away laundry.

How odd ... my husband is folding my boyfriend's undies.

BlackUnicorn

07-04-2011, 12:16 PM

How odd ... my husband is folding my boyfriend's undies.

And by the sound of it, more of that to come in the near future!

Feedhercandy

07-08-2011, 02:49 AM

So very very badly. It sounds amazing. Yes, I'm sure challenging at times etc etc. But, holy cow. Kudos to you and your's.

TruckerPete

07-08-2011, 11:51 AM

So very very badly. It sounds amazing. Yes, I'm sure challenging at times etc etc. But, holy cow. Kudos to you and your's.

It's not perfect and it's likely only for the next three months, until the next time Peace River is hiring.

And then I have no idea what will happen to our relationship. :( It's been a rough week.

Happy anniversary, Mr. A.

Morningglory629

07-10-2011, 05:05 PM

And then I have no idea what will happen to our relationship. :( It's been a rough week.

Happy anniversary, Mr. A.

Must be in the air...hoping for the best TP!;)

TruckerPete

07-11-2011, 12:47 AM

Must be in the air...hoping for the best TP!;)

Thanks. We're going to get through it. I just had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are not his right now, but we do share the dream of wanting to have a relationship together. :)

Morningglory629

07-11-2011, 05:15 AM

I just had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are not his right now, but we do share the dream of wanting to have a relationship together. :)

Funny you put it that way. 2rings and I have had similar talks recently. And I feel extreme guilt at times that he and I are not in sync when it comes to what our dreams of the future are. We also share the dream of wanting a more shared existence, living together, but I am not sure I want all of what that entails. At least not right now. I know KT does not want it at all. I feel so bad about him worrying that it may not happen. I feel bad about contributing to his anxiety about it, his sadness. I know we love eachother immensely and that there is no future without him in it; but, I do wonder if we will ever get the whole enchilada. Know what I mean? It is frustrating for all of us in different ways to have so many setbacks. It is heartbreaking to revisit the same jealousies and insecurities. On my blog NYCIndie spoke about expectations being the root of resentment. There is something to that I think. I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy, and what works in my relationship with 2rings, so I completely empathize with the frustration you are going thru right now. It is hard to think of a future without having some expectations. It is even more difficult to have expectations directly impacted by someone else's agenda or plans of their future. It is a complicated thing when all of the players are not on the same page of the playbook.

TruckerPete

07-11-2011, 11:40 AM

I did read NYCI's post and was certainly able to draw a few parallels to my own life! ;)

He has said he will be able to eventually "settle down", as in not moving every year or two to the middle of nowhere. It would be major cities, and longer durations.

We had all discussed relocation with him, for his next job, but the more we talked the more ridiculous it sounded to me. Giving up two good jobs (Indigo and me), a house (I'm only 26, but have been a homeowner for 2 years and I'm proud of that!), family, incurring moving costs, dealing with the half dozen pets, etc. ... At one point, Indigo asked what was in it for him. Well, absolutely nothing. And to be honest, not much more for me. Why would I want to deal with all of those things when Mr. A will only have a job that barely supports him?

He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly naïve of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

At any rate, we have set some boundaries out, I've adjusted my expectations, and we are just taking it slowly. He's moving in soon. Hah. That's been the easy part, working out boundaries and expectations amongst the three of us while he's here. The hard part is the after.

MonoVCPHG

07-11-2011, 02:52 PM

Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

.

I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?

nycindie

07-11-2011, 04:41 PM

He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly naïve of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?

I think what TP's saying is she can't quite believe he wouldn't look for someone else if he was far away.

Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so naïve? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"

I think all those thoughts and fears are natural. We, most of us, usually have the hardest time when our dreams come true. We're so used to disappointments, large and small, that we don't know what to do with ourselves when we have what we want -- or rather, more than we ever could have hoped for. :) Those doubts are just tapes we play in our head to protect ourselves from possible hurts. Know that they are playing, but you don't have to pay credence to them.

Keep breathing, TP. Revel in the good stuff.

TruckerPete

07-11-2011, 04:56 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so naïve? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"

A little bit of everything, but especially what I've bolded. For me, when he moves to the middle of nowhere and we start being able to only see each other a few times a year, my love will ... not fade, but just become less IN MY FACE. I won't stop loving him, but I certainly won't be thinking about him quite so often. I've been in this sort of situation before.

I don't stop loving, so if he is then able to come back into my life in a more significant way, it would not take me long to be back to the old way of loving. I have heard people on here compare love to a trail to the heart. If he goes away, that trail may become overgrown, but it will still very much exist. And with a little work, can be back to what it was.

I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?

I'm pretty sure I'm making WAY too many generalizations ... *sigh*

opalescent

07-11-2011, 05:57 PM

Beloved and I only see each other about 4-5 times a year. We budget to fly to see each other - that is a financial priority for which we sacrifice. We talk on the phone every single day, often more than once. And we text and email each other constantly.

So far this has worked for us. It's not easy. In fact, it frequently sucks ass. Of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship and that's especially so for long distance ones. However, being far away is vastly better than the alternative - breaking up.

So my positive advice is to start talking now about how you and Mr. A and Indigo will maintain your connection.

However, you seem kind of startled that Mr. A wants to be in your life for a lifetime. Is this a new development? Would it be less startling if he was going to remain in your area?

You also seem to know about yourself that you may have trouble maintaining connection when a loved one is not in your face but when that person is around again, the connection returns. It certainly seems possible to maintain a healthy relationship with this kind of off-on again when in contact model. But I can also see where that kind of intermittent connection ultimately frays.

Think hard about if you are well-suited to be in long distance relationships - not everyone is and you may not be. And on pain of being all psychological, your concerns about Mr. A being monogamous and eventually wanting someone closer, might be partly a reflection of your own worries about maintaining a long distance relationship.

But you have the time and love needed to figure this out.

MonoVCPHG

07-11-2011, 06:08 PM

I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?

It's ok to generalize some times when you are looking for an answer.

As a mono, and a sailor, I was separated from my ex wife for long spans of time; six month blocks or 200 days away througout the year. I was on missions though so it's not like I was integrating into a new community and forming a new social circle.

When I left home I was still in a relationship with the woman I had an affair with but because she was very busy with other aspects of her life I began to lose that connection. There was other circumstances that made me distant from her but by the time RP came along we had not seen each other for any amount of time in 4 months. I had formed a new social circle and was open for a new connection to form with someone. In came Redpepper and, being mono as I am, the final remnants of romantic connection with this other woman were swept away. That's how it works for me..no overlap, no division of affection. I still have loving concern for my ex wife and this other woman but it is the kind of love that I have for dear friends.

I have plenty of friends who have left thier family for one or two year periods because they didn't want to disrupt the entire family for a military posting. They would come home every month or so just like a LDR I guess. They didn't wander (I'm sure some do and know a couple who have).

Mr A is going to a place to build a career and a lot of newness will also come into his life in the area of social circles and friends. But how his heart will respond only he knows...and even he doesn't know that yet as he hasn't experienced this situation in reality.

IMHO "To generalize"...a mono person in a social circle far from thier loved one is likely to form a new connection just like a poly person. There is, however, a lot more mono identified partners that they are likely to pair up with....which creates difficulty for a mono/poly situation. There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.

Tuff questions my friend. I wouldn't bother thinking about them and just trust that we end up exaclty where we are all meant to be for some reason.

TruckerPete

07-11-2011, 08:23 PM

Thank you, both of you.

I am not startled that he wants to be together for the long haul. I certainly feel the same. I guess I am startled that he says this, but sees real distance (we're currently only 2 hours apart) as no obstacle to this goal. Well, as a much much smaller obstacle than I do.

He has told me before that I need to stop treating poly as a handicap to our relationship, as it were. Smart man. It does make some things more difficult. But perhaps not so bad as I see it in my head.

There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.

We have been over this. He has said that it must not be "as bad" as if he was my only relationship. I told him, "I have four cats. If one dies, I'm going to be pretty darn upset. One does not replace another." I think he understands it logically, but probably doesn't fully get it. Still.

I don't think he will form the types of social connections that can lead to relationships when he moves. He has been in his current location for about 6 months and doesn't have friends outside work. Really, has only one friend that he hangs out with outside of work. His profession has very low rates of employment for women. (I mean, LOW. I work in IT and I am saying LOW. ;)) He will live in remote, small towns, and has expressed to me a certain ... bias against the stereotypical remote, small town resident. He tends to do most of his "socializing" online. Has a lot of long distance friendships, actually.

I need to wait. Wait, enjoy what we have, and not put expectations on what we will have. And not compare it with what we "could" (in my mind) have.

On the plus side, it's going to be a real treat having him live with us. He's been up for extended visits the last few weekends, and is up this week for work, and it's just NICE. Another person to help around the house, someone else to talk to, someone that Indigo and I both just get along with. It will be additional income in the form of rent, which is also never a bad thing! I feel very good about the impending roommate arrangement. :) I just don't want to get too attached to that arrangement.

TruckerPete

07-18-2011, 06:06 PM

It occured to me yesterday that Mr. A didn't go home after his last visit. Not in a bad way. It's just, he came up and stayed. His clothes are here, his computer is here, his toiletries, etc. He still has to offically "move in" because his bed and whatnot is in the other city. But everything else he cares about has made its way to our home.

Yeah ... very odd. I thought it would feel different. We're all just going on about life, no clap of thunder or anything like that.

Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels. :rolleyes:

MonoVCPHG

07-18-2011, 06:45 PM

Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels. :rolleyes:

I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings. I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.

TruckerPete

07-18-2011, 07:08 PM

I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings.

Indigo and I got the spare room tidied up. It previously had some of our stuff in it, with a blow up mattress and Mr. A's things crammed into where ever they'd fit.

I cleared out the closet, hung up his clothes, Indigo put up a curtain rod and proper curtain (has blinds, but Mr. A can't sleep in when it's light) and moved the computer ... I then rearranged the room, added a nightstand and lamp, since anything bigger than clothing has not yet made the trip, and remade the bed. It's the first time that room has looked like a bedroom since we moved in. I really like it. I had been worried until then that the space would not be enough for him, but it's very nice. I would certainly live in it, so I feel comfortable with him living in it.

I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.

Yes, those were my thoughts, too.

Indigo has been quite wonderful ... he's putting a new lighting fixture in that room today. He let Mr. A know and checked that it was okay for him to go into the room.

Actually, I'm happy that we're all being cognizant of each other's space. I slept in the master bedroom last night, and this morning I tapped at Mr. A's door. He didn't answer, so I went downstairs, turned the coffee on, and a little while later sent him a text asking if he wanted me to bring coffee. He said yes. He also said I am always welcome in his room, but I will certainly be knocking when the door is closed. Our house isn't small (1400 sq. ft.), but could easily feel that way if we're not careful.

MonoVCPHG

07-18-2011, 07:10 PM

Very cool update TP. Indigo is a gem and Mr A seems like a rare find as well. Keep them secret, keep them safe :)

TruckerPete

07-18-2011, 07:12 PM

Very cool update TP. Indigo is a gem and Mr A seems like a rare find as well. Keep them secret, keep them safe :)

*blush*

nycindie

07-18-2011, 07:32 PM

. . . I went downstairs, turned the coffee on, and a little while later sent him a text asking if he wanted me to bring coffee.

Ah, modern living!

TruckerPete

07-18-2011, 07:34 PM

Ah, modern living!

Haha! I never used to be one of "those", either. I got a cell just over a year ago. First one ever. :p

TruckerPete

07-21-2011, 12:22 PM

I am happy. Everyone is happy.

Indigo is off for the summer (school board employee). He's been doing lots of little and not-so-little things around the house that have just been sort of collecting. It's such a relief to know he's taking care of things here while I'm at work. If I made more money, I would love to have him home all the time (and he would, too). I love my househusband. :)

Mr. A has had a few days off of work. He's been helping Indigo. It's wonderful. I get updates throughout the day about what they're doing and their little jokes. Indigo is putting in that extra bit of effort to let me know he's happy with the living arrangements, too. He's told Mr. A that he's very happy to have him with us. Mr. A has said he's happy to be with us.

I know Mr. A is stressing about money. He's working, but not much, and hasn't been paid yet. Indigo and I are supporting him with everyday things, while his parents are covering larger expenses, such as his recent car repair. He must feel like he'll never be on top of it all right now. We all agreed on a number for rent, but when he's not bringing money in, and he's obviously not spending frivolously the money he does have, we are sympathetic. Indigo has lost his job a couple of times since we've been together, due to circumstances beyond his control, (the most epic loss was two hours after we signed our mortgage papers for the house; luckily my salary was enough to secure the funding), so he has a lot of compassion from his own experiences.

That said, we certainly aren't going to let Mr. A martyr himself (and by extension us) for his chosen career. We told him straight up when the moving discussions occurred that we would give him three months free, but then he was expected to find another job, ANY job, that would allow him to contribute to the household in a financial way. And true to his word, he's found a flexible full-time job that he will be starting August 1. And that's way ahead of schedule. He's an honorable man.

I know moving someone in when they're not financially independent is generally a bad idea, but I think we've done a good job of it. And you know what? I'm proud of us. This isn't exactly something there's an instruction manual on.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress. :(

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!

Morningglory629

07-21-2011, 08:25 PM

I am happy. Everyone is happy.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress. :(

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!

FUNNY STUFF IN BOLD! This cracked me up...the sleeping problems, the description of the mattresses, the fact that was the complaint...I love it! Can't wait to read about you and Indigo's progress on intimacy etc. Living vicariously here, and hoping this happens for me someday!;)

redpepper

07-21-2011, 09:35 PM

Welcome to my life with the sleeping thing. I feel like an object being passed around sometimes. I love having my own room for that reason. Its my choice who I invite to sleep with ME!

We have a two night Mono bed, one night my bed, four night PN bed split. Mostly as my boy is up stairs with PN. It works, but to tell you honestly? I would rather have a three night Mono bed, three night PN and one night my bed split. I don't feel I can push this right now though. Right now tuesday and another weekend night is with Mono, and the rest is flexed according to what we feel like.

If you ever need to bend an ear about the specificss of this arrangement I am all ears. Sounds like its going well though. :)

TruckerPete

07-21-2011, 11:47 PM

Thanks, RP. Don't feel like an object, yet. I think it will get better as I get used to the nice new bed, and then on Monday, Mr. A's bed is coming. There will be less of a difference. It is going well. Thank you. I can tell you I think of you often, right now! ("What would RP do?")

In non poly news, my grandmother has been in the hospital, but the doctors said she would be fine to go home in a few days. We got an all-clear, release the breath you've been holding from the doctors this morning. Which was odd, because I'd just a really bad feeling.

Well, I was right. Dad called me at work, not an hour after I got the all clear from my aunt, to say Grandma had gone septic. She's not expected to make it though the night. They've taken her off of her meds, as there's nothing to be done.

Dad and I are flying up tomorrow afternoon. We'll be there for a week. It will be good to see family. Grandma would like that.

Mohegan

07-22-2011, 12:17 AM

I'm sorry, that has to hard. Karma and I are thinking of you.

BrigidsDaughter

07-22-2011, 12:19 AM

I'm sorry to hear that TP. My grandmother and then Phil's step father both went into the hospital on Fridays with routine infections (a UTI and what we thought was a stomach virus but turned out to be pneumonia) that went septic the next day and both passed away by Sunday afternoon.

opalescent

07-22-2011, 01:23 AM

I'm sorry TP. You and your family are in my thoughts.

TruckerPete

07-22-2011, 01:35 AM

Thank you, everyone.

Tonberry

07-22-2011, 03:39 AM

I'm sorry for you, TP :( I don't have grandmothers, but I can imagine how it would feel if one of my grandfathers was in that situation. You have my thoughts.

Right now tuesday and another weekend night is with Mono, and the rest is flexed according to what we feel like.

I'm a bit curious here. You say "Tuesday and another weekend night". Do you have Tuesday Weekends?

TruckerPete

07-22-2011, 06:39 PM

Dad met Mr. A today. Well, technically they met at the wedding, but they were never introduced. Today they were introduced and the four of us chatted for about 45 minutes before Mr. A drove us to the airport.

I can tell Dad likes him, he's just weirded out by the whole situation. It was nice to be ourselves around him. Be normal.

I had to chuckle though. Dad made a bee-line for the security checkpoint when it was time for me to say goodbye to Indigo and Mr. A. Haha. Oh well.

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 02:12 PM

Things are still plodding along. Nothing major to report, really, just a bunch of minor stuff.

Indigo and I had some issues last week, spent a lot of the week arguing and bickering and hurting each other's feelings, though it had nothing to do with poly. And we sorted it out. Everyone was certainly happy for that.

I apologized to Mr. A for having to be part of that (as in around us, not actually being involved by us) and he said it was alright. He was bothered because he wanted to help but there was nothing he could do. That's a natural feeling, I suppose. I reassured him that Indigo and I were not on the brink of divorce, just having a rough patch. He seems to carry guilt when Indigo and I argue, as though his existence causes us to fight about things that have nothing to do with him or poly.

I made a huge mistake last week also, which wasn't the cause of our arguments (I don't remember what was, to be honest, just a bunch of things, I suppose), but certainly caused a problem. For some time now, I have been unhappy with my IUD. When I first got it (2 years ago) until probably the last 6 months, I would occassionally get a heavy period. I'd never experienced these before; they came with absolutely crippling, mind-bending cramps, and disgusting amounts of blood/debris. It was awful. But it was worth it, because it didn't happen very often, and I loved the natural ebb and flow of libido that my IUD allowed.

However, in the last six months, just about every period has been awful like this. They last nine or ten days. I go through tampons like MAD. My cycle is 27-29 days long, so when you're spending up to ten of those days bleeding, well UGH. Also, Mr. A is very uncomfortable with blood. I mean even at the light beginning and end, not just the heavy middle, when I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone either! (Indigo is fine with light period.) It's just stressful all around.

So, it suffices to say that I need to find another birth control method. And that upsets me a LOT. I felt so flat on the pill. No change in libido. And when I was trying to find the right pill previously, I was very sensitive to them, and ended up on one of the lowest doses. Because of this, I think I will need to rule out any sort of hormonal implant; they seem to come in one-dose-fits-all. Which they don't. I will check with my doctor, but I am not hopeful.

Indigo and Mr. A were both aware (very, very aware :p ) of my IUD issues. But I was avoiding talking about switching because I wasn't even ready to admit to myself that I was thinking seriously about it. At one point, Mr. A asked what was wrong (I was thinking about this, and he could tell something was up), so I just told him what I'd been thinking about and how I felt, and that I didn't want to switch, but it looked like I would have to and I would likely go with the pill. He asked a couple of questions about the pill, and my use in the past. (He's had bad experiences with past girlfriends not taking it reliably, or one who decided she wanted a baby and did not tell him. Thankfully she was not successful.) I answered, and that was pretty much the conversation. It honestly dropped out of my mind for a week.

I'm pretty sure you can see where this is going.

Of course, and I don't even know how, my birth control came up jokingly in conversation amongst the three of us. Mr. A made an offhand comment about me switching, and Indigo did a double take while I went, "Oh fuck." He was pissed. And of course he was. I would be too, if it had happened to me. It doesn't matter what was going on for me, or that I was still processing and Mr. A just "caught me" at it and was simply in the right place at the right time. I fucked up.

There was much explaining and much apologizing and it's fine now. But, yeah. Something that should have been so frickin' obvious, that everyone needed to know what was going on, completely slipped past me because of how I was feeling. Annoying and frustrating. Lesson learned.

Speaking of things I've learned, Indigo has kindly shown me that sleeping with a partner (actually sleeping) is just quality time. I was viewing it as totally separate, an activity that needed to be divided equally, but something felt wrong about that and I couldn't figure out why.

Let me explain.

Mr. A has a different work schedule than me and Indigo, currently. So, Indigo and I have a good amount of quality time together, without Mr. A, because of these disparate schedules. Conversely, I have much less time with Mr. A because of our schedules. When he gets home from work, we are both generally ready for bed.

The gents were doing a lot of, "It doesn't matter who you sleep with, you pick." This was tearing me up. I was missing Mr. A and wanted to sleep with him more, but I thought I needed to keep everything even, causing tons of guilty feelings for not wanting to spend equal sleeping time with both men. Then last weekend, Indigo said, "You know, we've had a lot of quality time together today. Why don't you sleep with Mr. A?" And I was all, "But I slept with him last night!" And he was all, "So? Sleeping is just quality time and you haven't had any with him and we've had lots."

And my mind was blown! This was how I felt about sleeping, but didn't even realize it!

Now I'm sleeping less with Indigo, but I feel much better about the balance, and he reassures me that his needs are met before I spend "extra" nights with Mr. A. Just another example of the difference between equal and fair, I suppose!

Anyway, that's me for the last while. :)

BlackUnicorn

08-18-2011, 02:30 PM

So, it suffices to say that I need to find another birth control method. And that upsets me a LOT. I felt so flat on the pill. No change in libido. And when I was trying to find the right pill previously, I was very sensitive to them, and ended up on one of the lowest doses. Because of this, I think I will need to rule out any sort of hormonal implant; they seem to come in one-dose-fits-all. Which they don't. I will check with my doctor, but I am not hopeful.

I've had the worst experience of the pill, and thus was adamant with my doctor that I didn't want to try any of those ever again. I thought my only option was copper IUD, but was reluctant since I have painful, heavy periods as it is. The doctor recommended a hormonal IUD. I was VERY sceptical at first because I had such a bad reaction to the same hormone before, but she assured me that the effect is very local, and that IUD releases a few percents of the dose that I was putting in my system when I was taking them orally. It shouldn't have a drying nor libido-flattening effect, and is used as a treatment for painful, heavy periods, so I'm hopeful :o. Also, it has about the same effectiveness as female sterilization in preventing pregnancies.

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 02:51 PM

I've had the worst experience of the pill, and thus was adamant with my doctor that I didn't want to try any of those ever again. I thought my only option was copper IUD, but was reluctant since I have painful, heavy periods as it is. The doctor recommended a hormonal IUD. I was VERY sceptical at first because I had such a bad reaction to the same hormone before, but she assured me that the effect is very local, and that IUD releases a few percents of the dose that I was putting in my system when I was taking them orally. It shouldn't have a drying nor libido-flattening effect, and is used as a treatment for painful, heavy periods, so I'm hopeful :o. Also, it has about the same effectiveness as female sterilization in preventing pregnancies.

Ah thank you, BU. I am overdue for a physical, so I will be talking about everything with a doctor shortly.

Actually, I was thinking about you, because well, I had a herpes outbreak last week. Haha. Flattering, no? It just always seems to happen when I talk about it, like on your blog. Very weird. And it had been sooooooo long (a year and a half) since it had happened, too! Ugh. It's really contributed to general feelings of unlovableness over the past couple of weeks, what with my period happening at the same time. Probably didn't help the arguing with Indigo one bit.

Luckily, I caught it at the "tingly" stage, and got drugs fast enough to stop any sores from coming up. Still. Ungh.

vixtresses

08-18-2011, 02:56 PM

Tonberry

08-18-2011, 03:01 PM

Good luck with everything, TP. Seems like you had a rough week, but I'm glad things are better now... Can't help you about the birth control though, sadly :S

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 03:25 PM

I've got nothing for you on the relationship stuff, but I use a non-hormonal IUD and a menstrual cup, and that makes heavy periods much more bearable for me.

The literature cautions against using IUD/menstrual cups together due to risk of expulsion. It is a risk. My GYN and I think it's a reasonable risk in my case, becuse my strings are cut flush (actually they've disappeared by now, the thing moved up a couple of millimeters in my uterus and the strings are no longer palpable at all) with my cervix and the cup can't really pull on them at all that way.

There are two basic types of menstrual cups - the regular menstrual cup, and the soft menstrual cup. I use both, but they're completely different and I use them for different things.

The regular one (I use the Diva Cup (http://www.divacup.com/) brand) I use for the majority of my period. I don't have to worry about leaking, and I regularly forget I'm on my period when I'm using it. I empty it in the morning and at night, and sometimes once in the middle of the day. It's LIGHTYEARS more comfortable than a tampon or pad.

The soft cup (I use the Instead (http://www.softcup.com/) brand, sold at Walgreens) is designed totally differently - it's a ring with a plastic membrane pouch thingie. It's not very reliable for daytime or overnight wear, as it frequently leaks. However, it has a distinct advantage in certain situations over the other in that it can be worn during intercourse. It prevents all the bloody mess during intimate situations, providing that you've emptied it recently and don't have an engorged pouch of blood hanging around in there.

Menstrual cups squick a lot of people out, but it's worth looking into, in my experience and opinion. There are lots of brands and lots of informative websites out there. (Of course, you might already know all this, but it's a relatively uncommon form of menstrual hygiene, so I figured it's worth mentioning.)

Thank you for the input! I have used the Diva Cup before. Gave it a good go for about half a dozen cycles. I found it to be unreliable overnight and during strenuous physical activity. And I'm not squeamish about getting "up in there" or anything (I have had to re-position my IUD strings when they shifted and started poking penises.), so I think I had it right. The other issue I had with that cup was that by the end of my period, my labia would be very irritated from the cup's ridged lip going in and out, despite how I pinched or scrunched it to get it in. Hell, the thick ring at the base of a condom is irritating for me. So, it was ... uncomfortable, to say the least!

With the soft cup ... well, I'd be hesitant because I like my sex, um rough. I like having my cervix bumped (smashed) and that kind of force on something that's preventing my period from spraying across the room (okay, maybe a little hyperbole here), well, makes me a little untrusting.

But hey, if it's cheap, might be worth a try. :)

ETA: Actually, just looked at the Diva and that's different from the one I used. Can't recall the name at the moment. But it was a firmer rubber. Maybe Diva would not be so irritating, though I'd still worry about leakage, given past experience. At any rate, if I go pill or some other light hormonal birth control my period will lighten/cease to exist, so the period problems will become a non-issue for me. By comparison, I used to be able to wear regular tampons through my entire period before and on the pill, whereas now, at the heaviest flow I'm going through a super plus tampon every 2 - 3 hours.

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 03:26 PM

Good luck with everything, TP. Seems like you had a rough week, but I'm glad things are better now... Can't help you about the birth control though, sadly :S

Thanks. :)

And I have been following your happenings, I just have nothing useful to contribute, other than general well-wishing and hoping things smooth out for you. :o

BlackUnicorn

08-18-2011, 03:48 PM

Actually, I was thinking about you, because well, I had a herpes outbreak last week. Haha. Flattering, no?

Ooh, I'm super-flattered to be in your thoughts at all :p! And also vaguely amused by the fact that from now on, whenever you think of herpes you will be thinking of a black horse with a horn sticking from its brain :eek:.

It just always seems to happen when I talk about it, like on your blog. Very weird.

Sympathetic magic, I tell you. You speak about something and it happens. I'm occasionally convinced that if I write about a new development on my blog, especially if it's a positive one, that I will surely jinx it.

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 03:57 PM

And also vaguely amused by the fact that from now on, whenever you think of herpes you will be thinking of a black horse with a horn sticking from its brain :eek:.

Oh, I hope not! That will just remind me of the sex I can't be having!! :D

Tonberry

08-18-2011, 04:00 PM

Thanks. :)

And I have been following your happenings, I just have nothing useful to contribute, other than general well-wishing and hoping things smooth out for you. :o

Thanks :) Yeah I guess there isn't much to say about my issues... You know how it is, you always hope everyone else will know what to do when you don't :P

About the cups, I used the mooncup first. It had a very wide outter edge and not a huge amount of room (it was the smaller size of the two). I got a Diva, the big size, and while it can contain way more, it also is less wide (just becayse there is a ridge on the mooncup for no reason that I can tell, making it wider without it being able to contain any more liquid. Kind of pointless).

There are lots of brands nowadays, if you're interested in looking into it you might find something that works for you. Personally I find it's a peace of mind, as I'm not really counting days or anything, and it's easy to carry so I can have it whenever I happen to need it.
It does leak at night but I wear a cloth pad for that and it hasn't been a problem.
No experience with the soft cups though. But also not much experience with guys who mind periods, so... never needed one >.>

SNeacail

08-18-2011, 04:13 PM

However, in the last six months, just about every period has been awful like this. They last nine or ten days. I go through tampons like MAD. My cycle is 27-29 days long, so when you're spending up to ten of those days bleeding, well UGH.

I can totally relate, but mine is a combination of things including age :rolleyes:. Don't just assume it's the B/C, have the doctor do an ultrasound or other scan to check for fibroids and other stuff. I already know I have fibroids, I'm just not willing to do anything about it, including hormones of any kind right now and no money for major medical procedures to have them removed. For me it's not dangerous, just a PITA.

whereas now, at the heaviest flow I'm going through a super plus tampon every 2 - 3 hours.

I use the diva cup, which I discovered lets me go almost twice as long as a super plus tampon. Right now I would kill for 2-3 hour intervals, I have about a 18-24 hour streach where I have to empty the diva cup every 45 minutes. During the day is annoying but doable, overnight kills, no sleep because I'm up every hour with massive leakage :eek:.

vixtresses

08-18-2011, 04:39 PM

Hmm, well I think the SoftCup could be worth a shot. It's about... hmm. $8 or so for a box of 12, if I recall correctly. They're not supposed to be reusable, but I usually keep one throughout a period for using during sex, I just wash it between uses and inspect for leaks etc.

I tend to have cervix-smashing sex, myself, so... LOL. Granted, there are plenty of variables, and your situation might be different, but I don't have leaks even though my cervix regularly gets bumped. (I do generally make sure I empty it or put it in right before sex, though, as I'm paranoid of bumping against a plastic pouch full of blood. :p)

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 04:44 PM

I can totally relate, but mine is a combination of things including age :rolleyes:. Don't just assume it's the B/C, have the doctor do an ultrasound or other scan to check for fibroids and other stuff. I already know I have fibroids, I'm just not willing to do anything about it, including hormones of any kind right now and no money for major medical procedures to have them removed. For me it's not dangerous, just a PITA.

Yeah, shortly after I got my IUD, my mother told me she had her hysterectomy (at around age 28) because of either lots of cysts of endometriosis (can't remember which). *facepalm*

TruckerPete

08-18-2011, 04:47 PM

Minxxa

08-18-2011, 04:59 PM

Hehehehe. Good to know.

I saw on the site that they have a trial pack. I might just try!

I've used them for years (down here the brand is "instead") for during sex and with the exception of the ONE really bad day I usually have, they've been great! And even then if you do it right before it should be cool...

:)

Mohegan

08-19-2011, 05:15 AM

rory

08-19-2011, 09:30 AM

The gents were doing a lot of, "It doesn't matter who you sleep with, you pick." This was tearing me up. I was missing Mr. A and wanted to sleep with him more, but I thought I needed to keep everything even, causing tons of guilty feelings for not wanting to spend equal sleeping time with both men. Then last weekend, Indigo said, "You know, we've had a lot of quality time together today. Why don't you sleep with Mr. A?" And I was all, "But I slept with him last night!" And he was all, "So? Sleeping is just quality time and you haven't had any with him and we've had lots."

And my mind was blown! This was how I felt about sleeping, but didn't even realize it!

Wow, that is a really good point! :) This is how I feel as well, but I just hadn't worded it.

TruckerPete

08-19-2011, 11:49 AM

I found out about my cysts and endometriosis when I was 20, went through a false menopause at 21. That's how I knew Karma was a keeper. He stuck around when I was hot flashing and threatening to run a sword through him :)

I've had two surgeries and am now on 5mg of aygestin. It has done wonders. Not only am I off all my psych meds, I also have a sex drive and can have amazing cervix smashing sex without pain. These are my freaking miracle pills. It was these or back on the false menopause hormones and I will never do those again. They're expensive but so worth it my book.

You sound sypmtomatic of endo and if your mom had it it would make sense that you would as well. My cramps used to be so bad I thought my insides were falling out and then I'd have ovary pain that was horrible.

I'm with SN. If it's getting that bad, have the Dr do an ultra sound and a thorough pelvic. The only way to Dx Endo is surgery but you'd at least have a start.

Good luck!

Thank you for the good (if scary) advice. I've definitely said that it felt like my lady parts were going to fall out. And leg pain. I get leg pain during the bad cramps, which from reading I believe happens because the uterus is close to various nerves.

I did quickly look at endometriosis symptoms, I've only got around half. Regardless, there are obviously improvements to be made to my cycle, so a discussion with my doc is in order. I will let everyone know what happens!

Wow, that is a really good point! :) This is how I feel as well, but I just hadn't worded it.

So glad I could have that hit home for at least one other person. I slept with Mr. A for the third night in a row last night, with Indigo's blessing, of course. Not a fan of his current work schedule. However, tonight is definitely an Indigo night! I am missing him! Haha. You just can't win ... :rolleyes: