Poly or not?

[RaleighGuy]

I found out some time ago that my wife had renewed a relationship with a man from her past- more than twenty years in her past, via the internet and email. Since then, they have begun to talk on the phone occasionally, as well as daily emails. When they knew each other before, they slept together, but he lives too far away for that to happen now, except maybe on rare occasions. She will talk to me about what they say, and she admits that she loves him. He knows that I'm aware of their relationship, but I don't know if he is aware that I support my wife in doing whatever she is comfortable with to strengthen her relationship to "BF". I haven't talked to him, nor have I ever met him, since he was long gone when she and I got married. She's still a little nervous about my involvement, but gradually getting used to it. This has only been going since earlier this year. As I see it, she's polyamorous, and I'm just trying to enjoy her experience. She's not comfortable with that lable, either. Comments, questions, advice?

[MonoVCPHG]

She loves you and him. It is open and honest. I'd say you are experiencing a polyamorous relationship. There is nothing derogatory with the label. Have you considered what would happen if he was closer? Within physical range?

[RaleighGuy]

Well, if he were close by, then I'm pretty sure their relationship would be physical again, and that would be Ok with me, as long as she wasn't away from home too much. You said that I'm in a poly relationship. Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

[MonoVCPHG]

I will probably take a lot of flak over this, but as you are right now, that is how I would define it. I have a similar relationship with Redpepper. She is married and I am her boyfriend. I am monogamous with her and she is polyamorous. It means your wife is definitely capable of a poly relationship and I would call her polyamorous for sure.

For me being polyamorous hinges on the intimate caring. Because she loves both of you in much the same intimate way that is poly to me. I love your approach and understanding. It is rare to have such "compersion" in a monogamous mindset. I feel it towards Redpepper's husband and know it is real. That makes you special and she should recognize the benefit of how you want her to enjoy this relationship. She is special too in that she has the capacity to love in this manner.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Mark1npt]

Ditto what Mono said.......and it's wonderful that you aren't threatened by her love for another man. If she truly is capapble of loving both of you (poly) then it'll be a very rich experience for you, too.

[RaleighGuy]

I didn't get to this point without going through jealousy, and hurt, and anger. There is still some discomfort, too. The fact that she found "him" again, and repaired the damage from all those years ago, without my knowledge, was part of the problem. On the other hand, if she had asked first, that would probably have been a problem, too. There are other problems, too, since his wife may not clearly understand the situation. He and I have never spoken, nor emailed, and whether we should or not is a question my wife and I are considering.

[River]

Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

I have only one lover at the moment, but since I am consciously open and willing to having another lover, besides, that makes me polyamorous. You would be polyamorous if you were also consciously willing and able and to have more than one lover at a time. You needn't even desire this to happen, you only need to be consciously willing and able to love two at a time in order to qualify for club membership .... Okay, I'm kidding. There's no club!
... in order to qualify as poly-.

mutually committed in a loving relationship of a "romantic" sort.]

- James (a.k.a., River)

[RaleighGuy]

I understand- I've been in a situation before, long ago, when I loved two women at the same time. Just hasn't happened (so far) with my wife. I'm not sure how her "other" man feels about his wife, and I don't know if he's aware of the poly community, and of compersion, etc.

[cjj23464]

I'm in a similar situation. My husband met a woman last summer and started a relationship with her. I didn't think our marriage would get through the summer, but with some work it did. Problem, the relationship with her that i thought was over is not. He is in love with her, and says he can't let either of us go. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It's so confusing. So many different emotions. i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.

[MonoVCPHG]

i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.


Then perhaps you are..no harm in that LOL! I'm monogamous in a polyamorous relationship and loving Redpepper more and more everyday:) There is nothing wrong with different natures. It's simply about being true to yourself and your needs to be healthy and happy. I know what mine are and communicate to ensure our love flourishes.

Mono/Poly relationships are challenging for sure, don't discount that. It's a matter of the pain/pleasure balance. Hope you flourish in your relationship, Take care.

[RaleighGuy]

Since my wife's "other" man is hundreds of miles away, I've never met him, and don't know him. But I have the feeling that if I did know him, I wouldn't like him at all, and not because of his relationship with my wife. He and I don't have anything much in common, other than our interest in "her", and he is openly contemptuous of things which are not part of his experiences and interests. Just not my kind of guy. He and my wife do share some interests, but I don't know that she would like him if she didn't love him. Trying to help her enjoy her relationship with "him" would be easier if I liked him, I think.

[Mark1npt]

cjj, I can see and feel where your husband is coming from. I am the poly one in our household while my wife and my other woman are both mono. I don't know if you can change how you are, mono vs. poly, just like you can't change gay or straight.....I do know that it presents challenges to have relationships when we are not all equal in mindset, but it can be done and is being done. My wife wanted out of our 25+ year marriage because I was always miserable living and working with her 24/7. Spending a little less time with her, opening up our relationship to a 3rd (a very good long time friend) has made me happier and in many ways her happier. I have no doubt that if all 3 of us were divorced and living alone we'd all 3 be miserable. Maybe we get too tight a strangle hold on our loved ones? I don't know. You don't have to become poly yourself, to exist in a poly life with your husband but you do have to let go a little for it to work. That is tough with jealousies involved, but that's a whole other topic.

[Danny40179]

RaleighGuy, I say so long as you're comfortable with how things are going, then why bother with labels. Not that there's anything wrong with labels, and as far as they go, then I would agree with Mono as far as your status.

I think it's great that you were able to work through your concerns because you wanted to support your wife in her decision. I think that's so awesome, and so rare for men to do on their own. Kudos to you.

[Mark1npt]

RG, sure your relationship wold be easier if you liked him. Your wife's definition of poly does not fit mine, as I want both women living under the same roof with me. To me, I wouldn't feel right having to drive 100 miles or more to see another women. That to me, would feel like I was going out of town to have an affair. Just my own twisted idea, mind you. Your concept likewise doesn't seem amenable to poly, since you can't stand the guy. He also doesn't seem a good candidate for poly since he is openly contemptuous of the relationship you two share at home. This doesn't seem like any more than an open marriage to me, not poly. But, I've also got to give you credit for trying to make it work.

[RaleighGuy]

Well, they don't see each other, since he's many, many miles away. Half a day, by plane. But she loves him, and he loves her, and they want to continue that love. She's clearly not disliking the things that I dislike, and I suppose there is the chance that I may be wrong, maybe he's really a great guy. (it's possible that he's not the guy she thinks he is, since they haven't seen each for many years) Still, they have this emotional connection, and I'm trying to be supportive and helpful.

[Mark1npt]

Emotional connections from past loves can be very long lasting, RG.....I've been married for 27 years but I still wonder where this one woman from 30 years ago is.....more curious than anything, but I was quite emotionally attched to her, much moreso than her to me. Your wife and this distant guy, seem to have that same attachment but mutually, but as a friend of mine used to say, you never know how it's gonna go until you are sleeping and living under the same roof with that person. Do you foresee that happening?

Is your wife more wanting a life with this guy than you? I would suppose that people transitioning into the poly life have that grass is always greener on the other side look, quite often.

Maybe you would grow to like him, maybe he would you....but I'm not sure like is enough. I think you really truly need to love and respect the other person brought into the relationship for the triad to last any meanigful amount of time. IMO.

[RaleighGuy]

She says she loves me more than ever, and has no interest in doing anything to break up our marriage. It seems like he's going to continue his marriage, on the other side of the country, and that he and my wife will continue to have this "long distance" relationship, until one/both get tired of it. If he ever came to town for a visit, I think she would go to bed with him. She says she's not sure.

[Mark1npt]

Well, that's a very good start that she loves you more than ever....of course, her ability to lure the other guy across the country and away from his wife is remote at this point, soshe certainly doesn't want to give up the bird in the hand for one she may never have. Does the other guy's wife know and approve of this relationship? If she sleeps with thi other guy, how would you feel? Can you understand her love and feelings for him, as well as hers for you?

[RaleighGuy]

To start with, the "other" wife doesn't know. Not sure if she does now, but I don't think so. Their kids are grown, and out of the house, as are ours. If she slept with the other guy, I would understand that. It would be easier to understand than why she loves him. When I found out about "him", it made me more sensitive to her, and we had some talks that we should have had long ago. And her renewed interest in him has made her happier and more interested in having fun with me, including fun in bed.

[vampiresscammy]

mind if one of the ladies speak up for a bit here fella's?

RG - I first want to say kudos to you for trying, more than anything else that you are simply trying is awesome

to the specifics - what is bothering you most about your current situation? have you told your wife it bothers you? has she responded and tried to make it less bothersome or asked how she can help make it not bother you?

do you yourself have an interest in talking to her other guy? does she want you both to talk? do you feel some obligation to get to know him?

do you yourself have any interest at all in finding yourself someone else while still with your wife? (trying to understand the whole situation and i can't recall if you've mentioned this before or not) if you do want that, would your wife mind?

of everything right at the front of my mind of what you said, you seem to be trying to be supportive and are concerned your not being supportive enough or afraid your wife wants more, I'd simply say be as supportive as you can, don't make yourself uncomfortable or unhappy, and remind her you want things to move as slow or fast as you can handle and she should respect that

as to the other guys wife knowing or not knowing, well in a perfect world and perfect relationship, all involved would know everythign they need to do, we humans are quite often so very far from perfect, and forgive me to any this will offend, but simply put, if the other guy isn't up front or concerned about being up front, then i really fail to see how this could in anyway be your problem, its really on him, so i'd say try not to stress over that since it really is out of your hands

as to what happens when and if they met in person sometime and how physical they are, well, i'd suggest you and your wife sit down, talk this out decide what your okay with and not okay with, and ask her to respect your wishes

again its very wonderful of you to be giving this a chance, I hope she appreciates it, but don't make yourself upset over things you can't do anythign about and don't let yourself be hurt, it should be give and take, tell your wife what is and is not acceptable to you and she should respect that, lots of luck and well wishes to you and yours

[Mark1npt]

The good thing is, everybody's kids are grown and out of the way. That's a major hurdle gone right there. Second, the other wife doesn't know?...uh, ohhhhh, that could be trouble......women have divorced guys just because of "virtual" affairs even though the people involved never even met. I'd be worried if I were him.

It's great that you and your wife have re-connected after so many years. My wife and I found that also. It's a shame that couples fall into that rut, but we are all guilty of it. Life changes, we change. You're not the same person 30 years later. Face it, if we all were happy and content with our lives, none of us would be looking for this forum. For many of us, something is missing, we go looking. Others just muddle through life bored out of their pea-pickin minds. I see couples everyday married for 30, 40-50+ years and they can't even stand to be around eachother. Grumpy, angry, unhappy and uncaring at the end of their lives but it's what they've done for so long, they don't know any other way. Sad.

[Mark1npt]

VC, you make some very good and thoughtful points. Glad we guys have a woman around here to keep us thinking outside "our" box.

[RaleighGuy]

VC, thanks for your input. First, I'm still recovering from having found out about this situation by accident. That part makes me a little nervous, since I was deceived once, it might happen again. And my wife is still getting used to having me involved. I haven't talked or emailed the other guy. I would like to, in some ways, but in other ways, I can see how my wife might feel like I'm invading her privacy.
I understand completely what you mean by "don't get upset over things you can't do anything about", but I still have a tendency to do it anyway.

[Mark1npt]

RG...invading her privacy? Does she want to be and live poly with you or does she just want to have an affair behind your back and the other guy's wife's back?.......this sounds a little fishy to me.

[vampiresscammy]

RG - dang, thats harsh, hmm, let me ask you this, does she seem genuinely sorry for having hurt you over this and is she obviously trying to help reassure you?

if your truly trying to be poly, talk to her about wanting to email him, cause my thoughts would be, if you tell her you want this to help you be okay and she wants to help ease things, she will be open to respecting your wishes, perhaps a bit timid at first, it shouldn't be you invidaing anything, it should her being as open as your both wanting her to be so you can make this work

so far, it sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too, but she should be making sure your okay with things to, sharing the cake per se, sit down, discuss, let her know what you want to be okay with this and make sure she shares as much as you need/want her too, its a two way street, you don't have to just give and give, she should give too

sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk, openly, honestly, you're very awesome in wanting to give so much, just don't forget to take some back too, and please try not to stress, think of something else *hugs*

[RaleighGuy]

It seems to me that there's a fine line between privacy and honesty, in this situation. I mean, I can't monitor every conversation they have, but I'm still interested. And I understand that some of the specific things they say to each other are not really my business. She is sorry for betraying me, and she is trying to help make this work, but she's still hesitant to really involve me. Part of her nervousness is related to my reaction when I first found out- I was not angry, just hurt, disappointed. I think she could have dealt with anger more easily. And you may be right about "having her cake and eating it too". I think she prefers to have this emotional affair out of my sight, and to keep most of the details of our marriage out of "his" sight. Two separate loves- rather than two "shared" loves.

[Mark1npt]

RG, that sounds about right....it may work for her, but not for you. Sounds like you three have some talking to do, and let's not forget the 4th person either. I guess there are different kinds of "V's" and triads, quads, for different groups, but again if they are indeed two or three separate loves rather than shared loves, is it not just an "open" marriage? Sounds like your wife and her long distance lover don't yet know what they want.

[MonoVCPHG]

I know the term "secondary" is frowned upon but I use it to describe myself as quick an easy as I can. As Redpepper's secondary I would not be at all comfortable without having a healthy relationship with her husband.

I had a long term affair at the end of my 16 year marriage and there is a similar energy to how I feel your wife's relationship is shaped. If his wife doesn't know than they are both in an affair..In my opinion, she may be polyamorous but is not in a polyamorous relationship because of the secrecy and dishonesty involved.

On the flip side, I am not polyamorous but am in a polyamorous relationship because of our openness and honesty.

Although I believe there has to be privacy in poly relationships and am comfortable in that, for me, the concept of secrecy or completely “separate lives” is not one that I would be comfortable with. But this is me.

Hope you work your way through this and everyone is healthy and happy:)

[MonoVCPHG]

Redpepper is extremely busy so I sometimes pass her thoughts along. Here are her thoughts on the situation with respect to your wife's relationship with this man without his wife knowing.

"For me their love is a fallasy. Any love based on deception is not love (its wishing) and not poly. I'm a bit anxious and desperate now to let that couple know they are harming each other. How could they be so naïve!? So distressing... All I can think of is the overwhelming sense of loss, deception, abandonment that wife is going to feel. More negativity put out into the world. More damage done."

[RaleighGuy]

He and his wife have not been getting along well for years- or so I'm told. That does concern me, and my wife doesn't really like being "the other woman". But she would rather be his "secret" friend than to lose him again. I can see that as long as he and my wife are living far apart, and never see each other, that the "secret" can continue. I know that some famous people have had secret correspondence that continued for many, many years. But I would feel better if it was no longer secret.

[MonoVCPHG]

Then the answer to your initial question is relatively simple in my humble opinion.

This is not poly.

Neither your wife nor her friend are acting in a manner indicative of the openness and honesty of a polyamorous relationship. Secrets are not the way to solve issues in a marriage. I should know. I destroyed a 16 year marriage and wounded the hearts of my wife and daughter because of where my "secrets" took me.

Best of luck

[RaleighGuy]

Here's a definition:
the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

If "everyone involved" includes his wife, then no, the relationship is not poly. But if you limit "involved" to include only my wife, and her two loves, then it would be poly, for her. Is that playing with semantics?

[NeonKaos]

It's playing with semantics. Why would you even ask the question if it were not? How is it that the other guy's wife is "involved" any less than you are? Just because she isn't privy to all the action doesn't make her "not involved". And I don't think a "poly relationship" can be truly "poly" to one of the participants and be an "affair" to one of the other participants.

It is what it is, but you obviously seem to have misgivings about this aspect of the relationship. You probably know all these answers deep down inside already. Sometimes people need to ask others for a reality check, and that is OK.

[Mark1npt]

Mono, RG, I think Redpepper put my thoughts into better words than I did...she said it exactly. If this other guy and his wife haven't gotten along well in years, why haven't they divorced? Would he move back to be near your wife RG, or would she leave you to go be with him? There could be a lot of pain here, like Redpepper says.

[redpepper]

Your wife's definition of poly does not fit mine, as I want both women living under the same roof with me. To me, I wouldn't feel right having to drive 100 miles or more to see another women. That to me, would feel like I was going out of town to have an affair.
I drive quite far to see my boyfriend (MonoVCPHG), but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us as we do for him... I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax... to me it is like a holiday and time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend.

[redpepper]

I suppose there is the chance that I may be wrong, maybe he's really a great guy. (it's possible that he's not the guy she thinks he is, since they haven't seen each for many years) Still, they have this emotional connection, and I'm trying to be supportive and helpful.

You are quite a remarkable man to go to such effort.

My husband has for me in similar situations of past loves coming back into my life over and over again... and even new ones out of old friendships... I have to tell you though that I have traveled to see if they are worth pursuing for the long term several times and each time it has proven to me that the relationships was far better suited to on line. All three times (twice with the same woman and once with an old friend) I have been disillusioned and ended up disappointed. I suggest that perhaps she will go through that same thing.... having said that I have a friend who only has on line romances and visits her lovers often... seems to work for her.

[redpepper]

Thanks to Mono for posting my thoughts. This whole thing has indeed made my stomach churn.

If I ruled the world I would have your wife back right away from this thing and put it to this long distant "love" that he is to leave his wife first without telling her that he is having an affair. There might be some small chance that she will come away un-damaged and with her dignity and self worth intact after dedicating a good part of her life to a marriage that has faded in passion.

Marriages are not always meant to last forever when a couple loses touch with one another and the raising kids thing is over, but to me it is never the right thing to take the "easy" route and have an affair. It's cowardly and creates a "difficult" route in it's wake. It has harmed generations at this point. Poly to me could put an end to that kind of pain being passed on... it creates larger family, more love between it's members and keeps passion alive. If this is not happening in what someone calls their poly relationship, in all corners of that relationship, then it is not poly and give poly a bad rap.

Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole on-line thing? The whole on line thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually loving of an "idea" of a person... they can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling. She is showing all the symptoms of that to me and is behaving disrespectful to you and the life you have built with one another as a result. Not to mention behaving disrespectfully to the wife of this old flame. I would be worried about her statement of love for you still.... she has been deceptive already and I would find it hard to believe her again. Still you know her better than anyone.... I'm sure she is a lovely person.

As far as the emailing this dude... go for it, there is no privacy issue here. I think you should be looking at this as if he is living in the same city, because to her the distance is nothing and they will eventually find a way to be together. Either you get involved and start setting your boundaries in this thing or trouble will arise and you could be short a wife. Emailing and putting a bit of a reality check in there would be highly appropriate. They both need that I think, hell, you need it don't you?

okay, enough ranting from me... I get so passionate...

good luck. i'm rooting for you.. and the prevailing good for all four of you (it is four, because rest assured even those who are oblivious are being affected, they just don't know it yet!)

[Mark1npt]

[/I]"I drive quite far to see my boyfriend (MonoVCPHG), but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us as we do for him... I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax... to me it is like a holiday and time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend. "[I]

Redpepper, I wouldn't consider your situation cheating even though you drive a good distance to see Mono....because your husband knows what your doing....in that other relationship, the other guys wife would have no clue. To me that's a chesting situation.

[RaleighGuy]

Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole on-line thing? The whole on line thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually loving of an "idea" of a person... they can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling. She is showing all the symptoms of that to me and is behaving disrespectful to you and the life you have built with one another as a result.

I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a "fantasy". In her mind there is a composite of the man she knew years ago, the man she has imagined ever since, and the man she has discovered through the on-line connection. This makes her tentative in the things she is willing to say to him, or ask him, since she doesn't want to "wake up", and destroy the fantasy. And addictive is a good word, too. That may be a part of why she resisted so fiercely when I initially tried to stop the correspondence.

[redpepper]

I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a "fantasy". In her mind there is a composite of the man she knew years ago, the man she has imagined ever since, and the man she has discovered through the on-line connection. This makes her tentative in the things she is willing to say to him, or ask him, since she doesn't want to "wake up", and destroy the fantasy. And addictive is a good word, too. That may be a part of why she resisted so fiercely when I initially tried to stop the correspondence.

this all sounds way to familiar to me. I was very covetous of the computer and very angry when anyone came between me and my time with it. HAHa, hard to believe now. I feel like an idiot.. I have a patient husband who must love me dearly to have put up with me during that time. I totally made a fantasy out of scrapes of an old life and a youthful love that was no longer. I was looking for connection and so was she... and he. I have found that with Mono and a life that is at home, I don't need to search on line. Perhaps a long conversation about where you are both going and what you want/need would be in order to get her into reality and back on a path that is real.

[redpepper]

[I][/I[I]Redpepper, I wouldn't consider your situation cheating even though you drive a good distance to see Mono....because your husband knows what your doing....in that other relationship, the other guys wife would have no clue. To me that's a chesting situation.

so what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them I am cheating??? huh?! yes if anyone didn't know and didn't have a relationship with each other then I would agree but I am unclear why you would think I am cheating...

[NeonKaos]

so what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them I am cheating??? huh?! yes if anyone didn't know and didn't have a relationship with each other then I would agree but I am unclear why you would think I am cheating...


No, it looks like he said the other people are cheating.

[MonoVCPHG]

so what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them I am cheating??? huh?! ..

Mark,
I just talked to Redpepper about this statement she made. She misunderstood your statement and wants you to know she understands what you were saying now. She is a very passionate woman when the idea of cheating comes up. Sorry for the misinterpretation.

Take care my friend

[Mark1npt]

Mono, I haven't had time this AM to reply til now. Tell Redpepper not to fret, I guess I didn't state it clearly....I never meant to imply that she was cheating...it's RG's wife's other guy, who's hiding things from his wife while he undertakes this internet affair with RG's wife...if he were to drive a good distance to see RG's wife, without his own wife's knowledge of him doing that...well then, that's cheating. That's not poly and I wouldn't consider RG's wife as poly, only a cheating spouse. I do think you can be poly and not live with either girl (or guy). It's the secrecy, the underhandedness that makes it cheating. From what I can see from this board, real caring, loving poly people don't cheat in their relationships. Keep loving, you two....er, three!

[redpepper]

I'm typing this from my phone. Hope it is working. I'm never quite convinced!

I am totally understanding what you were saying now mark... It was too early for me to read properly obviously :)

[RaleighGuy]

The distance between us- my wife and I and he other love- is almost 2,000 miles. So he's not going to just drive over for a quick visit. With the cost of gas, and airplane tickets, a trip is pretty major investment, and none of us is rich, although my wife and I are a little better off than her "other" and his wife. I can imagine that he might make a trip, though. Love inspired people to do a lot of things that don't make sense. More worrisome is the possibility that his marriage may come apart.

[Mark1npt]

RG...if he's keeping this all from his wife, then his marriage has probably already come apart. If that's the case and he has reconnected with your wife and they have any inkling of getting back together...well then, issues have to be addressed. Even though your wife thinks she wants and can be poly, can he? If he can't and/or you don't want to live in a poly relationship, then more than one family will be hurt. I hope this turns out ok for you RG and that you get treated fairly in all this.

[RaleighGuy]

I asked my wife if she would like to take a trip to visit her other guy. She said she didn't really want to meet him in person, because he might not be the man she imagines him to be. Her "fantasy" guy, based on the man she knew years ago, plus the one she's talked to, is the one she loves, and it might not match up with the "real thing".

[cjj23464]

I guess I have been quietly reading trying to see where my situation fits. My husband just got back from spending a week and a half with his "other". It is not open or honest, because he cannot call me when they are together. In fact, I believe that she is hoping that he will leave me for her. I don't know if he even knows what polyamory is.

[MonoVCPHG]

It is not open or honest, because he cannot call me when they are together. In fact, I believe that she is hoping that he will leave me for her. I don't know if he even knows what polyamory is.

Simple answer from my perspective - No he doesn't and you have every right to feel hurt and disrespected. The idea of not being "able" to call you is not a good sign that his "other" understands or even wants a polyamorous relationship. He's a grown man..he chooses not to call, no one can stop him. If this is the norm in thier relationship I would consider it to be more an affair situation. I highly recommend all three of you sit down and have a long discussion about expectations and openness between you all.
Hope you are doing well and things change for the better, no matter what that is.
Take care

[cjj23464]

It definitely started as an affair. There have been others, and they have been married as well. She is single. I don't think he anticipated the degree of emotion he experienced this time. At this point, I would welcome meeting with her, but I don't think she would be as open to it. He says he suggested it once, and she got rather upset. Of course he could just be saying what he thinks i want to hear...

[MonoVCPHG]

It definitely started as an affair. There have been others, and they have been married as well. She is single. I don't think he anticipated the degree of emotion he experienced this time. At this point, I would welcome meeting with her, but I don't think she would be as open to it. He says he suggested it once, and she got rather upset. Of course he could just be saying what he thinks i want to hear...

Your husband's actions are in no way indicative of the honesty, consideration and love that polyamorous or any relationship should have. He is very lucky to to still have you in his life. You deserve better. I hope others include thier comments as this could be it's own seperate thread. Put yourself first in this please, no one else is going to apparently.
Best wishes.

[vampiresscammy]

RG and cjj - you both sound you like you have total heels for spouses, at least going by whats been said about them on here

both your spouses/SO's (significant others) are not being totally open are completely honest, that is not poly, but most important they are hurting you

I have no idea how much either of you has innvested in your current relationships, but to me it sounds like its time to take a stand and make some new rules or let them go if they can't even be honest with you, decide what you want, and then go get it, your reltionships involve you, they should make you happy, not hurt and upset you and make you unhappy

RG - i still say forget the 'others' wife, shes not your concern, she is his problem and theres nothign you can do to help her from being hurt, i bet she has some inclining of whats happening anyways, but you need to talk with your wife and let her know what is and is not acceptable to you and let her know how much she is hurting you right now

cjj - that is not cool at all, this nonesense about him not being able to contact you while with her, there is soooooo very much wrong with that, there is no trust or truth in his and her part it sounds like, i have a huge issue with kinda poly that involves lying, so sorry if i sound harsh, but you are all going to get so hurt if you dont talk about things and set ground rules and limits, again, like i suggested to RG, sit down with him, talk out what you want, what he wants and consider including her if you feel its important, poly does not mean letting your SO do whatever they want, its an agreement, dont be hurt make him sit and discuss things with you and tell him what you want and expect

i truly hope you both find some happiness wether its with your current SO's or without them, stand up for you and remember its a two way street, they have to give back to you too, not just take, *hugs* to you both, again excuse me for being harsh, just don't liek seeing folks getting hurt

[redpepper]

I agree mono! If anything close to poly is to come out of this affair then it would start with the three of you sitting down together in a private place away from anyones home. A neutral place. Boundries should be explored, feelings expressed etc. From what it sounds, he may not agree to this and she may not either, but that could be your ultimatum. I would think there would be big changes for all of you if you all met. I try to get that part done as soon as possible to make sure everyone is comfortable and feels loved and respected.

[Mark1npt]

Very sensible advice ladies....these relationships are clearly not poly as they currently exist....just a few cheating spouses it looks like.