Falling in love with someone who's Mono...

[Danny40179]

SUCKS!! LOL I laugh because there's no other choice. I've known her for 4 years and she's known about my lifestyle the entire time. She's always said that she could never be more than just friends. She couldn't share. I TOTALLY understand that. I say all the time that this lifestyle isn't for everyone. Then I think to myself, BUT DAMNIT WHY COULDN'T THIS BE FOR YOU!!! :)

I've seen her date guys of all kinds and she typically ends up hurt. I try to be there for her as much as I can. Actually, I'm there as much as she lets me be. I see her get down on herself because of these guys. All I wanna do is take her, bring her into our family, and take care of her for the rest of her life. I tell her all the time that she needs to find someone that's going to treat her like the Princess that she is. She agrees, but just has trouble finding that guy. Again, I think. I can treat you that way.

Her laugh is infectious. Her smile will light up a room. Her eyes are her most captivating feature. They got me 4 years ago, and to this day still make my breath catch and my heart skip a beat. Most of all, I can see her fitting with my wives and everyone having a great time.

She's such an amazing woman and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. I know I'm not the only guy out there that can do that for her, but I've seen her try to find him and end up hurt. I hate that. Just wish she could see herself the way I see her.

So, my advice folks...If you are Poly, DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S MONOGAMOUS!!! LOL (Insert DUH here...lol)

[Quath]

Well, there does seem to be a lot of monogamous people on this forum who have fallen in love with polyamorous people. So a slightly amended advise is not to fall in love with someone who can not accept your lifestyle.

But that is hard. You love who you love. I don't think we ever plan to fall in love. We either guard our emotions so we don't chance exposing them or we expose them and feel what we feel. There are pros and cons to both approaches.

Sorry it doesn;t sounds like it will go any further. However, maybe you can consolidate yourself with the idea that you can share part of her life in a limited capacity. (Yeah, small consolidation.)

[River]

However, maybe you can consolidate yourself with the idea that you can share part of her life in a limited capacity. (Yeah, small consolidation.)

Consolation?

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/consolation

[Quath]

Heh. Yeah :)

[vampiresscammy]

Danny

You sure we don't know the same gal? heheh, sounds very similar to my hearts most recent fall. She's the friend of my best friend and is uber sweet, caring, just one of the most wonderful ladies I've had the pleasure to meet, only thing is she is mono. Oh, and shes also not bi, so even if i could get her past the poly thing, she'd never be mine.

Met her about 6 years ago, shes been in my life since. Only thing I can say is though my heart lurches a little when I'm around her now, its not the full upheaval it used to be. There was a time right after I met her when I wouldve given her the world for just a smile, now I keep reminding myself its no use and I only allow myself to do little things for her. I also don't see her as often as I used to. Its not a great situation, but it lets my heart calm down and loosen the hold it tries to have on her.

(((((((Hugs))))))) Good luck to you. Though we can't choose whom our heart falls for, we can try to make it see reason when its simply not within our grasp. I do still love her, but its more a friendly love now as its less painful.

[MonoVCPHG]

So, my advice folks...If you are Poly, DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S MONOGAMOUS!!! LOL (Insert DUH here...lol)

I totally agree my friend LOL! I can't imagine giving up my mono/poly relationship with Redpepper, but it is painfully happy and fullfilling if that makes any sense. The difference in wiring is staggering at times but we work to overcome issues so we can continue to share our Love and build an amazing future.:)

[Danny40179]

Thanks all. Vamp it SUCKS!! LOL Thanks for the words of wisdom and advice. The last week or so has been tough, but you're right. I have to try and make my heart see what my head sees.

Thanks again all!

[Danny40179]

Update...She told me today that she thinks it's best if we don't talk for a bit. She feels guilty that she's brought these feelings out, and can't give me what I want. Don't often question this, but maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Oh well, such is life.

Thanks again everyone.

[NeonKaos]

Well the same thing more or less just happened to me so maybe we should start a club or something.

[Danny40179]

Damn Y. I'm sorry. Wanna go to a bar or something?? :)

[vampiresscammy]

Oh I'm sorry you two. *hugs* I never had the cahones to tell the lady I speak of how I felt, she may or may not know, I have no idea, shes never spoke of it, so I'm hoping she doesn't know. It could easily be one of those shes hoping I never say anything so she doesn't have to let me down easy or whatever. Sigh, can I join you at the bar? We can all drown our sorrows :)

[NeonKaos]

I'm pretty thankful that I have at least one healthy sane relationship. Can't complain that much!

(The whole wanting-someone-you-can't-have thing is a downer though.)

[Danny40179]

I'm pretty thankful that I have at least one healthy sane relationship. Can't complain that much!

(The whole wanting-someone-you-can't-have thing is a downer though.)

You hit it right on the head. I said from go, that it didn't matter because I have such a happy and healthy home life already with my girls. But damn does it suck when things go awry like that?? BALLS I SAY!! Everyone should just be poly, and that's that! (Really I'm kidding, no I swear!)

[NeonKaos]

It does suck when someone says they don't want you to contact them "for a while".

[StarGazer]

It does suck when someone says they don't want you to contact them "for a while".

I had to do that recently. Well, my friend did it for me, but I ultimately had to. It sucks to do, too. :/

[Danny40179]

Newest update. My friend emailed and texted me and we're back in good standing. I know I need to keep my feelings in check, but damn if I don't get that feeling that it's a little more for her too, but isn't comfortable with that idea. Interesting I say, interesting...

[MonoVCPHG]

Hi everyone. I am hi-jacking a bit from Redpepper's thread on Intimate moments with Lovers because it may relate to this thread. Here is a cut and paste of Danny and my posts. I bring this up because Redpepper and I had a great talk over dinner and we often look at the differences in her poly and my monogamous nature. It is a bit of a repeat from my original post on my Mono/Poly relationship.

Posted by Danny40179
Mono, I wish I could have you talk to someone who just doesn't get the poly lifestyle because she's mono. I'd love to have her as a part of our family, but that will never be. *sigh* Kudos to you for being open minded and understanding and being able to work through the concerns.

My response
Danny, although I wish I had the capacity to help someone understand it I don't. I honestly don't understand how someone loves more than one person intimately but I know it is real. Redpepper and her husband both know that it is my overwhelming love for her that enables me to overcome many challenges.

Sadly, I would probably never recommend a monogamous person to get involved in a polyamorous relationship. I also would not pursue another one if Redpepper and me were to split up either. In fact I would probably avoid any polyamorous person I started having feelings for. I would be honest and communicate but stay distant.

The differences between a mono and poly nature are much more than social in my case. They are fundamental. I have never felt so much love in a relationship but I have also never felt so much uncertainty, fear and pain. If I didn't love Redpepper with all my heart I would have surrendered to these feelings and ran for the hills lol!!

We are all lucky because somehow we were brought together and everything just seems to fall into place. From my love for Redpepper to the love shared between me and everyone in her family, we have been blessed. It is not easy at times but immensely rewarding.

Sorry this probably isn't what you wanted to hear..but I have learned nothing from polyamory if I haven't learned to be honest :)

[Danny40179]

Mono, you are indeed right. Poly isn't something that you can force on someone. I would never even think to try and do that, but I so freaking wish that she was Poly. I mean she would fit with us so well. And, it doesn't help that I can't control my feelings about her. But, I know that we'll be friends and that's it. Such is life right? :)

[MonoVCPHG]

Life is funny. I have no doubt if ever I couldn't handle my poly relationship with Redpepper she would still be my most trusted best friend. My love for her would just be reshaped in a way that I could live within and be happy. There would always be a part of me in denial though..probably eternally.

Just be the best friend you can be is my advice...and make sure she knows that "friendship" is why you do the things you do for her, we mono people can be very suspicious LOL!! I get that you truly care for her and love that. I'm all about the caring!!!!

[nethergirl]

Don't give up hope on all monos! But if you like them, tell them right away of your situation. My husband and I got together over two years ago, he's mono , i'm poly, and he knows all about all my relationships, hookups, follies, desires.. its fine. we're sitting on the couch all happy and giggly right this second!

[AutumnalTone]

Here, now...stop that giggling! :D

[NeonKaos]

Hey! We need more giggling! You're just trying to rain on the parade with your awesome moderation skills!

[MonoVCPHG]

hookups, follies,

You are truly a lucky woman:) Just the word hookups and follies make me cringe LOL!! Now..get back to giggling!!

[Exploring]

Though we can't choose whom our heart falls for, we can try to make it see reason when its simply not within our grasp.

It must be a very difficult situation for the lady in Danny40179's life too. I am mono, and trying to understand and educate myself in Polyamory. The reason for this is to be able to accept and keep the love for a friend knowing it is out of grasp. I am sure if I were to be Poly things might have worked differently, however, as mentioned before in the post, the lifestyle is not for everyone. A shift in mindset, probably helps, but a person´s past history and upbringing weighs too much at times and makes that shift close to impossible to happen consciously. For a mono person, if not aware and educated, it can turn out to be a living hell and create more doubts and insecurities rather than gratitude for the love that is being shared. For a mono too there are decisions to be made and questions to be answered, like, should I educate myself and be understanding and accept this person as is, non attachment, and keep them in my life as friends, in gratitude, or should I just go? It is very interesting to me that someone said I was punishing myself for having the expectation of a committed relationship, with love and sex, and that I was missing out. It may be true... but a mindset does not change only because someone says so or wants it to happen, if the underlying issues are not worked on. After a few years, I am now open to the task of at least learning and trying to understand.

It is very tricky, self confidence is a strict must to stay and enjoy.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts. Your contribution is very enlightening and a great stepping stone for references. Your comments and thoughts are welcome.

[Erosa]

Oooooh god... BEEN there. 0_0 at least to a large extent. You're right, it does suck. :(

I'm sure it will work out though. :)

[rolypoly]

Aww, sounds so sad. :(