what do you call your lovers [Archive]

Alhena

05-27-2009, 03:38 AM

I'm curious what people call their lovers -to others i mean. how do you introduce your primary or secondaries? what title do they have when you mention them casually to coworkers and acquaintances.

Is it lover? or boy/girlfriend? or husband/wife/spouse? partner? Is it a differant introduction when more than one of your partners is present? how do you respond to questions from people if more than one of your partners is present or they know your married but you introduce another partner?

what are your thoughts?

Alhena

05-27-2009, 03:40 AM

When my bf asked me to be his gf he gave me the sweetest speech ever about how he wanted me to have a title, he didnt want to introduce me as a lover, just a friend or just "Alhena" he wanted to be able to see his friends and say this is my girlfriend. It was really cute so yesterday when we were at Disneyland he introduced me to a girl we ran into, that he trained with at work awhile back and i wondered what other people say.

He introcuded me as his gf and but when she started telling me about what a hard time he would give her she said your husband, i corrected her and said oh hes my bf. She seemed really confused and just laughed it off. Another time both he and his wife were with him and he introduced us as wife and gf, again people didnt ask anything just kinda smiled and looked confused. this is around friends, co workers and aquiantaces. Ive yet to meet any of their family so i wonder how I would be introduced in that setting since their family doesnt know they are poly.

Quath

05-27-2009, 01:54 PM

When I was in a triad, none of us were married, so it was simple bf/gf type introductions. It didn't happen too often.

I don't quite like the "primary" / "secondary" titles since it shows the order you met people sometimes but not the intensity of the relationship. But it does seem to be pretty common and useful at times.

Introductions to family are fun. I am out to my family, but thay may have thought it was some fad I was going through.

Danny40179

05-27-2009, 04:16 PM

It's always been the wife and gf when I introduce people. But we're moving into "these are my wives." It's amusing to watch people's faces as they realize I'm not joking. LOL

nethergirl

05-27-2009, 04:46 PM

I call my husband my husband, my boyfriend my boyfriend, and can explain the the relationship to anyone just as it is , open and equal on all sides :)

any lovers I usually just tell people 'i have a connection with this person' or 'i am dating ____' or if i am talking to friends when x lover isnt present i do refer to that person as my lover or friend with benefits

i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.

MonoVCPHG

05-27-2009, 08:18 PM

i dont like to use the primary/secondary language because i dislike the idea of someone meaning more or less.

Redpepper and her husband also don't like these terms. I am more than comfortable with being referred to as a secondary and often tease them with the reference LOL! In all honesty I hope I do mean less to her. Her primary relationship is sacred to me and will always take priority over my own needs. I must admit being called a Friend with Benefits would not sit well with me. The term disturbs me on some levels. Usually she refers to me as her boyfriend which is cool.

Interesting thread, as we are going to a poly meeting soon and another lover of hers is coming for the first time. She asked him what he'd like to be referred to as. She talks about him as a Friend with Benefits and will refer to him as a Lover. He is pretty happy however she describes their relationship.

vampiresscammy

05-28-2009, 02:37 PM

generally speaking I call them all simply "my loves", when speaking specifically about one or the other I say hubby, hubby of heart and wifey, or call them by the nicknames we use for each other i.e. hubby of heart I refer to as Darque Prince or DP, hubby I refer to as Bubba most often, and wifey I would refer to as sweetling, Ash, Shadoe or her given name, depends on whom I'm talking to really, but for most regular conversations with anyone its simply "my loves"

I don't care for the primary/secondary terms and none of these people are simply my bf/gf so I don't call them that, while I do like the terms hubby of heart and wifey, I can obviously only be married to one so its not technically accurate either, not to mention before my ladylove passed it wasnt legal in either of our states to marry same sex

until some better word/phrase/description comes about, for me "my loves" is the best, most accurate, least offensive to anyone involved statement I can make and I really like how it sounds :)

TankDiveGirl

05-29-2009, 07:11 PM

Well, I've only been in a poly triad for 3 months and a bit, but when I introduce people to my partner(s) it's always been "this is my wife" for L, and "this is my boyfriend" for S. We've not yet been in a social situation where i've had to introduce both of them to someone, because the great majority of my friends have at least been briefed on what's going on and are cool with it, and S and I work in the same place, so we have the same colleagues and whatnot.

I do have to say that i really dislike the "primary" and "secondary" labels. I know that at the moment L needs them so that she can feel validated and like she's the only "life partner," but really, i don't like the labels. If it were up to me, we'd all be equal, because i feel like we are -- i don't like the implication that S is "less" or "not as important" because he's a "secondary partner".

alphafour

05-30-2009, 06:50 PM

Mark1npt

05-30-2009, 07:57 PM

alphafour

05-30-2009, 09:03 PM

I've had the same thoughts...hate the secondary label. We are not out to anybody yet, but have discussed in house how we would handle it. No decisions made yet. We are also in the process of discussing some sort of ring ceremony between the 3 of us. I guess I could use the "loves" label or introduce people to my "wives" but that wouldn't sound right legally. Are they "co-wives"?.....lovers? (yes)....best friends? (yes).....what to do? Since my wife isn't bi and it's me with two women, I need to find the right designation. I guess we could all just walk in and hold up our matching rings when someone asked, huh?

Personally, I consider the relationship "tribal." They are your people, your community, or the co-inhabitants of your tipi; your family. I don't know that the naming conventions are necessary or adequate. I dislike buzzwords, and believe that the descriptions place us in the box that we would like people to be thinking outside of. Roommates is probably the best one, so that nobody gets confused and tries to push a "common law" marriage into place. That could have serious legal implications. I like the idea of forming a "mutual benefit" corporation. Many states have laws to form one. You are together for mutual benefit and protection.

TankDiveGirl

05-30-2009, 09:07 PM

So far, I call them:

Missing in Action.

Not many women want to be polyamorous. I suppose I need to find a bi girl, but so many of them are just lying lesbians who fake like they have alternate sexualities. I have recieved so many antagonistic responses from so-called bi women, I just can't believe that they ever intend to be with a man.

I'm sorry to hear this... I am, quite honestly, bisexual. My "primary" partner is another woman, my wife, who is a lesbian. My "secondary" partner is a man, my boyfriend, who is a straight man. The three of us HAVE messed around together, but it's not the basis of this relationship. This relationship is a Vee with me in the middle and L and S as the arms.

I hope that you find what you're looking for, because i know that we bisexual women are out there and willing to do this.

Good luck,
J

alphafour

05-30-2009, 11:17 PM

I'm sorry to hear this... I am, quite honestly, bisexual. My "primary" partner is another woman, my wife, who is a lesbian. My "secondary" partner is a man, my boyfriend, who is a straight man. The three of us HAVE messed around together, but it's not the basis of this relationship. This relationship is a Vee with me in the middle and L and S as the arms.

I hope that you find what you're looking for, because i know that we bisexual women are out there and willing to do this.

Good luck,
J

Nice to meet you. It could be that the other ladies were quite interested in men, just not me. I have had enough of those from the hetero genre of female;)

vampiresscammy

06-01-2009, 12:26 PM

I like the tribal ideology, it sounds very wonderful, just lots of folks sharing love, helping to take care of each other and the little ones running around, sounds very nice, wonder how the reality lives up to it though............ ever curious

I second that the bi ladies are out and about, perhaps you simply havent met the ones for you yet, I'm sorry to all those hurt in love and that there is so many folks out there playing games and not being honest in what hey want, for me personally, yes I'm bi, I'm simply not over the loss of my ladylove to allow another woman close to me, as the men, well, seems I fall for the ones least interested in me out of the group every time, I feel your pain Alpha, if only we could chose whom we fell for, silly hearts, sigh

Mark1npt

06-01-2009, 12:40 PM

Thanks for the input.....Yes, the tribal thing got quite the chuckle out of the girls yesterday. We all do live under the same "tepee" after all.....not sure that I like the sound of it though. It sounds kinda "out there"....(like the poly lifestyle isn't, huh?), I think maybe it would get quite a few odd stares from our friends, whereas if we just talked about my loves or "my girls" it would only come off as half as weird.....who knows.

As for you ladies, please keep looking....there are others out there for you...this is a great big world and most of us barely scratch the surface before we have to leave......

Lemondrop

06-01-2009, 06:38 PM

This question just came up for us yesterday. I like the idea of "tribe" or "clan" for the group, though "pack" might apply to my quad in particular. My other husband and wife apparently refer to us as puppies as a group.

I usually call them my other husband and my wife. Sometimes I call him my Sunday husband because during the last Renaissance Festival he and I wandered around taking care of the kids while his wife and my husband worked, and our kids started calling us Sunday mommy and Sunday daddy. Sometimes I call them my partners. I won't call her my sister wife, because I'm intimate with her and it's just creepy. If I'm not out to someone, I just refer to them as our dearest friends, best friends, closest friends, etc.

I admit I'd like some better names. Since we're married couples with children, we've all agreed that our marriages must be our primary concern, but I don't like the implication that they aren't as important to me when I say "primary" and "secondary".

Mark1npt

06-01-2009, 07:08 PM

Secondary just won't cut it......am seriously thinking of just referring to them as "my girls".......I think early on my wife, as the senior of the two partners, would have taken offense to this term, but I think she is adapting quite well to our threesome and seeing the enjoyinment we all have in it. Clan and tribe just sound so ancient or woodsy.....just my opinion for what it's worth, but in some parts of the country or Canada, woodsy may be where it's at!

AutumnalTone

06-03-2009, 02:04 PM

I've used "girlfriend" in the past, though it seems so inadequate. I considered "mistress" and discarded that due to the negative connotations. The "primary/secondary" sort of accounting, while it may be accurate in some degree, feels too sterile to be of much use.

Some friends of ours had a MFF triad. Two of them married and they referred to the third as their "fiance." While I appreciate the thinking behind that, it just doesn't work for me.

Just calling them all "lovers" doesn't resonate with me, either, so I'd love to find a better term. I suspect we're going to have to plunder other languages and coin yet more words to describe our entanglements best.

AutumnalTone

06-03-2009, 02:26 PM

Oooh...just did some word searching.

"Betrothed," while accurate, is most commonly associated engagement/marriage. The other definitions get lost by the wayside, so it prolly won't work well.

"Plighted," while also accurate, is also torpedoed by the most commonly used meaning, so the intended meaning would get lost.

Now, "paramour" and "inamorata/inamorato" are accurate and widely understood (by those familiar with the words) in the fashion desired. They also sound much better (at least to me) than "girlfriend/boyfriend"--avoiding the negative connotations (in US culture, anyway) of "mistress" or "lover" (both of which have connotations of illicit affairs).

Plus, there's no need to coin new terms. Works for me. Work for anybody else?

alphafour

06-05-2009, 05:27 PM

Now, "paramour" and "inamorata/inamorato" are accurate and widely understood (by those familiar with the words) in the fashion desired. ?

I like paramour. I love the band, even if they spell it wrong.

AutumnalTone

06-11-2009, 02:14 AM

I wasn't aware of a band with the name until you mentioned it. I saw a mention of it online somewhere today.

AutumnalTone

06-12-2009, 04:24 PM

It's become apparent from other discussions that one term won't fit all partners. In the hierarchy of primary/secondary/tertiary, I'm thinking we can try to find terms to fit each that aren't clinical and don't sound derogatory in any fashion.

As I posted elsewhere in this thread, I think "paramour" works for primaries. For those who differentiate between their levels of involvement, then, what would be a good term for a secondary? A tertiary?

Mark1npt

06-12-2009, 07:27 PM

I still can't come up with anything SC.....my wife is still my wife, it would slight her to be called anything else. Paramour, sounds so oldfashioned, I don't think anyone to day would get what it meant. My 2nd I'm sure would feel slighted by being called secondary. So far all I've been able to come up with is "my girls"....even though they are both over 50! "Tribe" won't work, because people envision us living on a reservation, "clan" is so Celtic and none of us is Irish.....maybe I just have to call them "family"?

AutumnalTone

06-12-2009, 07:37 PM

So, you're in a social situation where you need to introduce the ladies to somebody else. "This is my wife," you say. You then introduce your secondary. "This is my..." what, exactly?

That's one of the questions that needs to be answered, I think. Yeah, "paramour" does sound old-fashioned. There would be some folk who wouldn't recognize it, certainly. I still think it a bit better than "girlfriend."

MonoVCPHG

06-13-2009, 02:50 AM

I'm totally good with being called "boyfriend" in my case, or secondary. But I am also very steadfast in that I do come second to Repeppers husband and son. I take no slight in it. I find it almost humorous introducing Redpepper as my girlfriend though..sounds like I am in high school LOL! Girlfriend is the best I have for now so I'm running with it:)

NeonKaos

06-14-2009, 05:07 PM

You could upgrade them from "girls" to "ladies" if you are so inclined. "Girls" sounds a bit juvenile, but it's your lives so whatev...

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2009, 05:29 AM

What about Life Love. I would be happy being called that. Indicates a deep commitment based on expected longetivity and love. I'll run it by Redpepper:) Let me know what you think!

redpepper

06-23-2009, 06:33 AM

What about Life Love. I would be happy being called that. Indicates a deep commitment based on expected longetivity and love. I'll run it by Redpepper:) Let me know what you think!

I like it :)

I think you could call me that though cause I am good with husband and primary... well I think I am. ?!

Life love suits both of you somehow though... hmmmm.

MonoVCPHG

06-23-2009, 06:36 AM

Husband and primary...makes me sound so important:) I'm good with anything really..and yes secondary works too!
Life Love for you is better for sure though..and so it will be!!

Eden

06-23-2009, 03:19 PM

I'm not really sure yet...

Our close friends know the score and know that they are my husband and boyfriend.

However, our living situation is about to change. For simplicity's sake (as we're moving back into the town where my mother and my husband's mother live) I think the boyfriend will be assuming the "roommate" role.

They do refer to each other as "fraternity brothers", but it's very silly and tongue-in-cheek. :p

Northern

06-23-2009, 08:23 PM

I call them both my 'boyfriends', and am quite open about it. Being in the same room at the same time has never happened though, but I know I'd choose to play it neutral if it ever came down to it.

Mark1npt

06-24-2009, 04:37 PM

Mono, the Life Love thing sounds about as good as any I've heard....I may have to roll with that brother........

MonoVCPHG

06-25-2009, 02:57 AM

roll away my friend:)

foxflame88

06-25-2009, 03:34 AM

An interesting conversation.... I am just getting involved with a man, and together we are searching for the right person(s) to share our love and life with.... so this hasn't come up YET. I do like "Life Love" though. Very nice, and very fitting

MonoVCPHG

07-04-2009, 06:24 PM

I've shortened down "Life Love" to Lilo..kind of a pet name LOL! I'm such a goof:D

Mark1npt

07-04-2009, 06:57 PM

Wasn't that the title of a Disney movie? lol! Reminds me of a terrier......it does roll off the tongue a little easier than "lifelove" I'll give you that Mono.

MonoVCPHG

07-04-2009, 07:41 PM

OMG I think you are right...back to Life Love!

Sunshinegrl

07-05-2009, 10:23 AM

This Is very interesting. I generally Refer to them By the relationship, Spouse and gf. I generally Dislike the titles "primary and seecondary" But I understand the significance Of these relationship types.

aussielover

07-05-2009, 04:30 PM

Although I have always said I will never be the reason to break up Sunshinegrl and Aussieblokes marriage, and will back away if that ever appears to be happening, (meaning I DO value that relationship above either of the relationships I have with them) I very much dislike the term primary and secondary. To me, it DOES make me feel less important. I know that's kind of contraditorary in what I just said, but I guess that's the difference between my thoughts on a locigal level and an emotional one.
I've been struggling with the 'labels' issue lately. Since I discovered the poly world and that there ARE others like us, reading the FAQ, if you will, and learning the terms, just confused me more. Feeling like I want/need the labels but not sure what I want to call them. Perhaps because I've been in a marriage for so long, the terms gf/bf seems a tad like we're all teenagers. After all, the last time I had a gf I was 18. When I've talked about them to those in my life I wish to, basically it's '... or ...' (insert name here)
So here I am, labeless, at least on my end. lol

MonoVCPHG

07-05-2009, 04:41 PM

aussielover

07-05-2009, 04:52 PM

Just focus on the love and not the labels.

I'm lucky in that I could care less about labels. I will never let myself feel equal with Redpepper's husband out of respect for there relationship and him as a person. I like the supporting role:)

I feel very much like you in the respect that their relationship DOES come first and I will do nothing to jeapordize this. I'm not usually a labels kind of person, but for some reason I feel the need. Perhaps it is because I had a wife for so long.
This is all just very new to us too. What we were doing just seemed natural and the right thing to do for us. And then we find this whole new world of people and support and all these terms... It can be a bit overwhelming.

I do focus on the love that we have for each other. That's what gets me through these long days so very far away from my family. lol I'd just like to call them something but not sure what. I suppose it will come with time.

Sunshinegrl

07-05-2009, 10:15 PM

How About just that Honey..Family. Cause thats what we are. Its does seem strange now that we have found this "explination" for what we this is...but it doesnt change it. Still the same relationship as before..But with a name.

MonoVCPHG

07-05-2009, 10:50 PM

How's about just calling yourselfves Lucky LOL! Sounds like you are all on the same page and heading for a great future:D

aussielover

07-05-2009, 11:13 PM

True that baby. You're absolutely right.
Just kinda in introductions was what I was thinking...

hehe we ARE lucky. :D thanks Mono

Mark1npt

07-05-2009, 11:41 PM

Intros can be tough....we're still somewhat in the closet in this small town. Out of deference to my wife and our other, I really like Mono's "lifelove" label. Secondary just doesn't do it.......

redpepper

07-07-2009, 06:52 AM

I like to call my husband what he is and depending on the company, I call mono my "primary." It denotes that he has a place over others in my life, but not the same status as my husband. If I am introducing mono to people not in the poly community I call him my "boyfriend" or "other partner." I feel a bit strange calling him my "life love" as I feel my husband should be fitting that role.... but then I see mono as fitting it also, so I don't use it at all and it has become my name. If we were ever to get married I would call him my "other husband" I think. Marriage is a commitment that comes with it's own labels and I like to use them as they are respected in our culture as having loved each other enough to commit on a deeper level than simple boy/girl friend. That would seem fitting with mono and I.

MonoVCPHG

07-07-2009, 06:56 AM

That would seem fitting with mono and I.

You are so doomed in a very good way:D

rolypoly

11-02-2009, 07:55 PM

I love this thread!

I would ideally prefer to be able to introduce my partners by their names, plain and simply and not have to explain why I'm holding hands with someone that I haven't exclusively introduced as my bf. But, I live in a very small community. Just getting up and going for a walk with someone of the opposite sex immediately invites questions from at least one person, even when there's absolutely nothing sexual/romantic between us.

So, it gets complicated. I introduce 'R' as my friend, (it's much too early for us to have any kind of bf/gf/lover status) and when my lover 'D' comes to visit, I will introduce her as my friend as well. I also will not refrain from kissing her or flirting with her in public. That will immediately raise confusion and at least a few questions from other people in my community.

That's where I have no idea what to call them or what to say when people ask. If they want to know the truth, I'll tell them, but not without the fear of being misunderstood or rejected.

'R' is someone I'm falling in love with, feel a very, very strong connection with, but I'm not ready to be his gf, so I still call him a friend, not bf. My connection with 'D' is much more clear, simply because she's in a primary relationship with her gf. I am one of her side lovers and we're good friends. I'm happy being called her lover and don't need more from her. I also really love her, but I'm not in love with her.

I would hope that in the future, there will be acceptance when and if I call more than one person my bf or gf.

rory

06-17-2011, 12:20 PM

This is quite an old thread but I'll bump since we were talking about this with my girlfriend just yesterday.

Well, more accurately we debated whether she should/could call me wife once we're that far. It's only been 2,5 months so not for some years, but we enjoy talking about this kind of stuff. :p She said she would feel as though she was misleading people, since we are both already married and thus can't marry each other (if we were single we could get a legal partnership in our country despite both being women). But I feel as though I'll have every right to call her wife once I feel ready to get married. Society won't recorgnise the commitment for each other, but I want the word to reflect what I feel and our relationship. Actually, I feel it as a political thing to do signifying that society should recognise multiple relationships legally.

If one wanted to be even more political, they could adopt "Unlawful Wife" or something like that. :D But I find wife to be more practical in everyday life. ;)

RfromRMC

06-17-2011, 12:28 PM

I call them both partners.

As a unit, I say we're a family though occasionally have used the cute word "throuple". ;)

Xared

06-17-2011, 03:24 PM

I use the word "friend." It's the best description I can come up with. In my personal philosophy, there's very little difference between what one usually thinks of as friendship and romance. To me, friendship is the strongest bond there is. Romance seems to me to be too often more about ideals and expectations, whereas friendship is real.

Two friends of mine, I'll call them Jeff and Krystal, started dating when they first met. They decided shortly after that that it wasn't working for them, and decided to be friends. 14 years later, they are best friends, and love each other a lot. They even have sex once in a while. In the time they've known each other, they've has many arguments. However, they always end up working things out. Had they continued to pursue a romantic relationship, they would have gone their separate ways long ago.

A few years ago, Jeff set Krystal and I on a blind date. It didn't work out because we both thought the other wasn't interested, but we did become friends. Recently, we both discovered that the other was polyamorous, and that we were, in fact, interested in each other. We're now talking about becoming "better friends," as I would phrase it. There's also plans of introducing her to another couple I'm involved with (assuming those two and I can work out some issues I started a thread in "New to Polyamory" about. Which, slow progress is being made.) Now that Krystal and I have known each other for a while, pursuing this kind of relationship now seems like it'll work out a lot better that it would if we forced it to happen when we first met.

Using the word "friend" is also adaptable to most situations, and prevents the possibility of accidentally revealing the situation to those that aren't in on it. For instance, my father knows about my "new friend," but not that she's my best friend's girlfriend. If he figures out that they're together, it's an ambiguous enough term that I can pretend nothing is going on. I'll tell him eventually, but not until I have to. However, I can also put emphasis on the word "friend" when in situations where I want to communicate that a given "friend" and I are "totally doin' it," as it were.

Idlovetwo

06-17-2011, 03:59 PM

As a unit, I say we're a family though occasionally have used the cute word "throuple". ;)

Hahahha LOL!! Throuple!!! That's fab :D

This thread is funny. Actually, I had the same "problem" when I was in a mono relationship. In my first marriage it was clearly "my husband", but my second partner was that, a partner, we were not married. Although, for some people I said "my husband" (because some people don't take it seriously if you say "partner" or "boyfriend"), then I started to dislike the word "husband" and ended up just saying his name and letting others figure out (it was nobody's business if we were married or not).

Now my poly relationship is pretty new and we haven't had much of that, but for the moment we all stick to introducing the other person by their name and let others figure out :)

Ariakas

06-17-2011, 04:03 PM

Idlovetwo

06-17-2011, 04:24 PM

That's why I don't like the word "friend with benefits"... Friendship without benefits is just friendship. Benefits without friendship is just sex. But if you have a real friendship with someone plus a sexual relationship, I don't see how that's not love. Unless the friendship is not such. My two cents anyway, maybe someone likes the word :D

Xared

06-17-2011, 06:54 PM

"Friend with benefits" is redundant. All friendships have benefits. Not necessarily sexual benefits, but there are benefits. We all know what it means, that's how euphemisms work.

Friendships in themselves are love. Friendships with sex are another kind of love. Sex, of course, is sex.

nycindie

06-18-2011, 06:45 AM

If I do ever have a primary partner, I will call him my Main Squeeze. :D

I generally refer to the guys I'm involved with as my lovers or beaus. Right now I call Burnsy my Studmuffin.

bella123456

06-18-2011, 07:44 AM

I say "this is my love" when making introductions.

Tonberry

06-20-2011, 11:45 AM

Right now I only have Seamus, who I talk about as my boyfriend or fiancé or husband, depending. Usually I say boyfriend, sometimes fiancé. Husband is rarer now that we're living apart.
With Raga I said husband, and sometimes I said "my guys" when referring to both of them.

Otherwise, boyfriend and partner are the common ones. Friend for a FWB. Usually I make sure to use their names so that I go by that afterwards.

EDIT: and usually "interest" for someone I'm interested in but not with.