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Well I was in a poly relationship with a man and a woman. Things ended (very) badly but I've come out the other side with a greater understanding of myself and my relationship style. This was my first poly relationship but i realised what was off about all my relationships before this.

I am recently seeing an awesome guy that says he gets polyamory but prefers monogamous relationships. I suspect that he would be okay with me dating other girls. the relationship is very new and we haven't discussed all the nuances of what we both want yet. let's call him J.

I have also had a few dates with another guy that is interested in a play partner. I am also interested but have to discuss this with all parties involved before it goes any where. I have to find out if it is just playing he's interested in or more. So far we've met a couple of times but have just talked. this is B.

They don't know about each other yet but that is something that i will remedy the next time i see both.

Also talking to a girl that I'm crushing on but i think that she's mostly straight so that may just develop into a cool friendship.

I am not taking anything too seriously right now, just testing the waters and having fun.

[AutumnalTone]

Sounds like you're doing well.

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Well J is no longer in the picture as a partner. He first stated that he wanted an exclusive sexual relationship and then after I agreed to that, for the time being, he decided that he didn't want to have sex at all. First he doesn't want me to have sex with others then he doesn't want sex at all. This after barely seeing each other for 2 months....what the....? He still wants to sleep in the same bed and hold hands and kiss but he's not offering anything else. I told him that I would be seeking other partners if this is the way it's going to be. I will still hang out with him and be friends, we are better that way anyhow.

B is still in the picture, sort of. We put the play discussion on hold in light of J's request but now that's off the table I can open negotiations with B again...;)

I have been thinking a lot about what type of relationships I want in my life. I came from a very dysfunctional relationship earlier this year. It was a very codependent, passive aggressive environment, where everyone always ganged up on one member of the household and that person was made into the bad guy. I, to my shame, joined on these witch hunts and eventually I became the "bad guy". Well that was one of the best things that happened to me. It got me out of a poisonous relationship and a dysfunctional house. Sadly, my 5 yo stepdaughter is still there and there's nothing that i can do about it... Suffice it to say that I am not interested in being in a relationship like that again. Going forward I want to make sure that my relationships are open, honest and loving. I have a lot of my own issues to work on but in the future I think that my relationships will be much more successful, at least i hope so... :rolleyes:

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for the update. I wonder why J decided on no sex? I can guess at it from a mono perspective but that's it. I hope your play partner works out though ;)

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i wonder too Mono, but he won't give me a straight answer so i guess I'll just have to keep wondering...I believe he is mono but when i brought up poly at the beginning he said he was cool with it, then he changed and said that he wanted to be exclusive and now... no sex. This is too much in a barely 2 month old very casual relationship, at least for me it is...

[MonoVCPHG]

i wonder too Mono, but he won't give me a straight answer so i guess I'll just have to keep wondering...I believe he is mono but when i brought up poly at the beginning he said he was cool with it, then he changed and said that he wanted to be exclusive and now... no sex. This is too much in a barely 2 month old very casual relationship, at least for me it is...

Quick points...the things that seem ok before you fall in love often change after you do...especially in a mono poly dynamic. That cannot be predicted, it has to be experienced to understand.

No sex?....either he's just can't deal with the idea of you having sex with another guy which makes him physically ill, cuts off his energy or renders him impotent (In which case he is fine to have a very close but not sexually intimate relationship with you)

Or..

He is subconsciously punishing you.

Just quick thoughts.

Good luck my friend

[assets]

thanks Mono. I appreciate your input.

Whatever is going on in his head is his own stuff to deal with. I will still support J, be his friend, I just won't sacrifice my happiness for his issues that's what got me into trouble in my last relationship.

here's going forward. I'm pretty excited that i have a date with B tomorrow and then going to a friend's birthday party!

[MonoVCPHG]

thanks Mono. I appreciate your input.

Whatever is going on in his head is his own stuff to deal with. I will still support J, be his friend, I just won't sacrifice my happiness for his issues that's what got me into trouble in my last relationship.

here's going forward. I'm pretty excited that i have a date with B tomorrow and then going to a friend's birthday party!

It is great to hear that you are aware and confident enough to know how to have a positive relationship with J regardless of what shape it takes. That is so much better than just turning away.

Enjoy your date and the party!

[assets]

I think that J started seeing another girl and that's why he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. It's just a feeling I have based on some arbitrary things I have heard and read. I believe that he's wired mono and so him taking up with another girl and not sleeping with me anymore makes sense in his world. But not telling me or even talking to me for the past 2 weeks, that really sucks. He could have at least had the common decency to let me know the real reason he didn't want to see me anymore. Whatever, I'll cut my losses.

B on the other hand is still very much interested. Sadly he broke his leg on Friday and so our date was postponed...:(

So back to the drawing board and back to being single. sigh.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Whatever, I'll cut my losses.

Good plan.

B on the other hand is still very much interested. Sadly he broke his leg on Friday and so our date was postponed...:(

So back to the drawing board and back to being single. sigh.
That kinda sucks. At least it's only postponed...you know what they say about anticipation!

Hope things start looking up for you soon...it sounds like you've had some valuable lessons out of the last couple relationships...so hopefully with some patience you'll get to people who will teach less, and enjoy more. Or maybe just more enjoyable lessons...either way works.

[assets]

i have been getting a lot of flak from one of my friends about my poly leanings. I get that she cares about me and doesn't want to see me hurt but every time I try to explain things to her, she doesn't want to hear about it. I am not going to change the way I am to suit her but it is very frustrating as she is one of my best friends (as well as my roomie). Her comment when i told her I was poly was that she didn't want a revolving door on our house. I tried to explain that it's not all about having sex with random strangers but she doesn't really get it. she has zero problem with my bisexuality.

I'm not looking for advice on this one, she was in a LTR that ended badly with her BF of 9 years cheating on her and so is having trust issues with guys in general. She doesn't think that this love style will work for her and so I think that she thinks it shouldn't work for me. I will just carry on living how i live and she can disapprove or not as she sees fit, I will not try to change her mind any longer...

Just a rant to get things off my chest, I feel much better about this thanks. :D

[ImaginaryIllusion]

I will just carry on living how i live and she can disapprove or not as she sees fit, I will not try to change her mind any longer...

Just a rant to get things off my chest, I feel much better about this thanks. :D

Sometimes there really isn't much else to do is there?!

And no problem...that's what we're here for....I think. Maybe.

[assets]

i was just rereading some old posts of mine on the board from when i first joined and was having issues with my exes. i am soooooooo happy to be out of that relationship and be in my own space. I totally get RedPepper's need/want/desire for space. i didn't have any at all in my former relationship. i had no physical, mental or emotional space in that house. Now the only creatures I share my space with on a regular basis are my roommate, my two cats and her dog. I have my own (big) room, we also have a den, a living room and a big deck. It's so great to not have to share all my living space with everyone i live with. Well i still have to share with the cats, but they're pretty quiet (most of the time...)

This forum was such a great help for me when my relationship was breaking down. i felt like there were people listening to me (the exes weren't) and that someone out there cared that i was hurting. I have been thinking a lot lately about my old relationship and how glad I am that it's over. I am so excited for the next phase in my life to see where that goes. Thanks to everyone that tried to help me out and that has made me feel welcome and wanted around here. Okay now I'm just getting a bit cheesy and I'll stop. :rolleyes:

Hopefully there will be some exciting developments happening in my life soon...