River's Blog [Archive] - Polyamory.com Forum

clairegoad

06-29-2010, 07:00 PM

Quote from the website mentioned by the OP (original poster): A recent article in Psychology Today profiles a therapist/author who suggests that married men with low libido can overcome this difficult situation if they just do it. According to this article, “their low sex drive often has little to do with hormones or biology and a lot to do with the women in their lives. Men today, often enough, are angry at their wives.” Readers are told that, “In the presence of a mismatch of desire, all intimacy drops out on all levels in addition to the sexual. Couples stop having meaningful conversations.”

Even though the author of the article dismisses this opinion... it certainly explains my last relationship. Though he's happy with his new married gf, which is how I ended up here.

And I think since people are living longer, we're all looking at what works, and how to get more love and communication.

River

06-30-2010, 06:28 PM

I'm posting a copy of the below over here because it has bloggy feel about it. The original is in the topic about extroversion & introversion.

I suspect most folks (I'm guessing!) are plenty okay about where they are on the introversion-to-extroversion spectrum, but lately I'm feeling rather boxed in as a result of my having been a lifelong introvert.

Well, I'm on my way toward ambiversion, I suspect -- and I have no doubt that a lot of folks will see me as quite extroverted, until they get to know me well. That's as a result of my being much more assertive than passive. I'm probably much more assertive than the average person. But I'm also, in some respects, probably more shy, too.

Actually, I can surprise people with my occasions of extroversion, my willingness to talk with strangers, my ability to create quick rapport with people, etc. So even I am having a little bit of a challenge understanding my shyness, which is also there.

Maybe it all roots in my childhood -- when I was the proverbial Boy Never Chosen for obligatory schoolyard ball play. That sort of thing. I was a mess, then. Trodden down at home and on the school yard. A bedwetter, a scrawny scardycat boy who made up stories about pirate treasure to try to win friends. I used to have a beadspread with football helmets on it even though I neither understood nor cared for football. I'd do anything to win the acceptance and appreciation -- the love -- that was so foreign and strange to my longing heart.

Ooops! See, there I have gone and done it again. I seem to extravert my introversion. I'm a pro!

River

12-15-2010, 11:39 PM

When a bee is precisely and only a bee,
buzzing.

When the poem falls silent
beneath
metaphor.

When the ribs are!
When there are humming throats,
kisses! new kisses!

The skin which shivers
The eyes which tear up
The impossible fucking poem!

Who is not in search of this,
This
This
This

Who does not swim in it?

River

01-18-2011, 09:52 PM

Not Haiku

Mom was abusive and Dad was a hyper-critical perfectionist.

No wonder it took this long for me to consider getting naked!

Charlie

01-18-2011, 10:52 PM

I couldn't figure out where to post this, maybe you know a better place...

There is something they know that we are just now figuring out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eubDSQrFako

River

02-10-2011, 04:36 PM

Thanks, Charlie. (I'll view that when I have my headphones with me at the cafe, since I don't have internet at home at this time.)

=========

I want to introduce one of my teachers. A true wise-woman. Though I've never met her, her words are magical, and true (mostly).

http://www.tarabrach.com/

.

River

02-15-2011, 05:52 PM

How to think without grasping?

People will say, "I grasp that concept". I "get" what you mean.

How to let the heart (my heart) speak?

A question makes a better guide.

When I hold a question my hands are turned upright, open.

When I hold my breath, both heart and mind shrink.

To hold my heart open is to ask a question is to hold a question lightly is to allow the fullness of breath.

That's the same thing as letting the sunlight in.

Long ago, my heart shrank for fear.

Now the sun can seem too bright! My hands clutch, but I catch them at it. I'm learning to love them when they're like this. They need my love. So does my breathing.

I don't want to "get" love. I'm not grasping after it. I'm intensely curious. I want to know what it is like to breathe without any hesitation.

River

02-15-2011, 06:32 PM

Anyone curious enough can look at my old, retired blog.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244

.

River

02-27-2011, 11:40 PM

The essence of a poem is that it's boiled down to its own essence. But this is prose, and it's quick. I'm wanting not to overthink it. The fingers need to fly. There's far too much here to find any sort of essence. The changes are swift, as if I am caught in a fast moving River.

And slow, deep... wide. I grow impatient with my impatience. I notice it. What else can I do? I so want to push off, move on, get on with it....

But what?! Here I am. This Is It.

This is a story far too slow, swift, wide, and deep to post as a "blog post". I'm searching for its essence, but I only want to say, instead, that I'm thinking again of David -- Yes, the guy who pulled the disappearing act. I've been remembering his touches, his kisses.... His disappearance.

My disappearing act is different, I tell myself. Here I am, pushing the River, wanting and wishing, needing and ... I think I'll sit in meditation, take a hot bath.... Anything to avoid
... What? .... This gnawing dukkha. "Unsatisfactoriness" (and would you believe I'm uncertain about its spelling?

Habits. Rivers cut deep canyons in the Earth. They don't change swiftly. They rush on swiftly.

I miss him. I do.

River

03-01-2011, 01:56 AM

For now, for once, I'm not running away, not judging my pain as something that needs getting rid of.

Nor do I judge your pain thusly.

Together, we can hold it.

Hold ourselves.

Hold each other.

River

03-06-2011, 03:51 PM

In the heat of the moment I sometimes forget the deeper intelligence and get caught up in the voices of the surface intelligence. (These are my substitutes for "higher" and "lower". Lower things are good, and not inferior. They are to be kept and used and praised.)

The deeper intelligence takes a long view and is not afraid to allow the transformation of the surface intelligence -- often into itself. It's called deep learning. The deeper intelligence invisibly guides one toward one's and the world's (that's everyone's) best good. Deep good, not "higher". (Even "deep" is something akin to a metaphor. So don't choke on it.)

When the world is rocking and rolling within me, when deep change is afoot (high change!, wide...) the surface intelligence likes to spread out its archaic wares in the mind's eye like a good salesman. And I can forget the subtle and graceful, nearly silent, voice of deeper intelligence. That is when I need to Stop. I need to stop. Set aside the insistant KnowItAll salesman. His tools and wares are good, but they are not always the best tool for the job.

This message has been brought to you by the deeper intelligence, which lives just beyond my finger tips, and whose work is play. And who dreams up freedom.

River

03-15-2011, 11:05 PM

Earthquake, volcano, partial melt down ... in Japan. Revo- and Evo- lutions bursting out everwhere. "Inner" transformations bursting out everywhere.... Who turned up the speed of the clocks and calendars?

River

03-25-2011, 07:48 PM

There are moments along the way when I forget
how far I've travelled,
how much I've progressed
and healed
and grown.
The clouds cover and the fog settles in and I forget
how grateful I am
how blessed I am
how lovely I am
how free I am
What joy there is.

I am walking this way, walking into
the new world
It is a world with less and less shame
less and less fear
more and more allowing
of myself
of others
And appreciation

And pain
And joy

Say you love apples and
suddenly you -- after great hunger-suffering --
inherit ten acres of apple orchard.

It's like that.

River

03-25-2011, 07:58 PM

I like the dirt
that hangs like crumbs
from the shaggy roots of things

I like the silence
between the words
in poems

It cheers me
to see a cracked
coffee cup

and my slightly bulging
middle aged belly
makes me laugh

who could not appreciate
the indirection
of the actual poem of life?

It hadn't known where it was going
yet it assembled
upon the snow
and upon the grass.

River

04-05-2011, 03:16 PM

I'm Not Really Gay

Take, for example, internet search engines. Take Google for example. Google up things "gay," and you will see how it works. The most popular sites go right to the top of the list. And you see how the term "gay" is a marketing term. The idea of "gay" is a market niche. And this is one of the main reasons I'm not really gay.

Then -- brrr! -- have a look at your local Craigslist Personals. It's frightening! Chilly.

I like men. I like to talk with them, walk with them, hug them, kiss them, laugh with them, play with them, cook and eat with them.... Make love with them.

I'm not gay.

River

04-14-2011, 03:25 PM

So here it is. Yesterday evening I finally got kissed ... by someone other than Kevin(!). I don't know where things might go with the kisser in question, but I'm glad that after three years since my last such kisses I've finally had another. Those three years ago it was [Name Withheld-1], who had been my friend before the kisses started, [Name Withheld-1] who abandoned our friendship suddenly and harshly when his boyfriend found out that [Name Withheld-1] and I were being physically intimate. (I thought [Name Withheld-1] and his boyfriend were splitting up. Otherwise, I'd not have been sneaking around with [Name Withheld-1].) My heart was broken, 'cause I was in love with [Name Withheld-1] by the time the hatchet fell. And I felt as if all of [Name Withheld-1]'s kisses were stolen, not given -- taken from me rather than given to me.

[Details removed] So that's why this one kiss yesterday evening was special. Somehow healing. It wasn't the kiss of a promise. It belonged only to its own moment (I hardly know [Name Witheld-2] at all! We'd just met moments before!).

[Name Witheld-2] and I had just met at [a bar]. I was telling him about my work toward creating a chapter of GayOutdoors, as well as another club for LGBT folks and their admirors, when -- strangely, suddenly, out of the blue -- he asked me if I liked kissing. Puzzled, confused by the non sequitor, I said that I did. He then asked if I would kiss him. I paused and thought about it. He's quite attractive. But I had to say "We'll see" -- with a soft smile. It seemed to me we should know each other better before I decided the situation merited kissing. But he urged me forward, and so I bent toward him and we kissed. We'd met only maybe twenty minutes before! (Weird!)

It didn't take long for mutual attraction to be felt and realized between us. And [Name Witheld-2] is the sort of fellow who comes right out with whatever's on his mind, very direct. And so we were talking (so soon!) about what may and may not occur. He had been informed of my polyamory--a topic emerging out of the natural flow of getting to know one another a little. (I had to explain why I wasn't involved in certain gay men's activity groups. He thought my having a partner explained it, but I said no, as I'm always open to meeting men for 'romance'.)

[Name Witheld-2] has a partner of many years. Yet he and his partner haven't had a sexual relationship for [ X ] years. [Identifying details removed] In the vocabulary of polyamorists, [Name Witheld-2] is sexually non-monogamous but emotionally monogamous. Or, more probably, he's sitting on the fence between these two -- scared of moving his ass. But the glimmer in his eyes, and some of his words, indicate a desire and a capacity to connect on a heart level -- feelingly.

When he let me know he was interested in me, but his heart would belong 100% to his partner, I quickly let him know I found that "uninteresting". At about the moment of my uttering the phrase "how unintersting," I really wanted to move away from him and our conversation, perhaps meet another guy, or sit by myself at the bar.

"That's very dangerous, what you ask for," He said. "That polyamory". Did he think I was asking for that from him? I was only telling the fact of the matter when I said "If you and I were to be sexual, my emotions would be involved." That was a simple, almost scientific fact being reported -- not a request from him. (His sexual interest in me was clear enough by then.) If I were to have sex with anyone at this point in my life, it will be "making love" -- for I simply cannot divide myself down the middle the way so many gay men do. Or men do. Or people do.... Meaning, my heart and my skin are conjoined. My cock and my heart are conjoined. My kisses and my heart are certainly conjoined. I suppose I'm more "like a girl" in my loving than so many queer guys. I have loving in my loving, and can't seem to divide one from the other.

What I wonder about what happened between [Name Witheld-2] and I is, was there tenderness in the tenderness we shared? Is he another [Name Witheld-1]? Did he steal that kiss? Or give it?

He had to go, suddenly, when I was finished peeing in the men's room. I asked him to stay put when I got up to pee. And so I embraced him and said "See you around".

I'm more than a little tempted to be at the bar again this evening, just to see if he's there.

Am I nutz? Shouldn't I forget about this unavailable man?

nycindie

04-14-2011, 05:36 PM

I'm more than a little tempted to be at the bar again this evening, just to see if he's there.

Am I nutz? Shouldn't I forget about this unavailable man?

I assume you two did not exchange contact info?

I would perhaps not go back to the bar so soon. Wait a few days, and if he's there the next time, there may be enough distance to see if that attraction/tension is still there and to see if a conversation about whatever might develop is warranted. Or a conversation to get clarification on things.

Sometimes it is worth investigating what people mean or how they define those things. I wonder if his saying that his "heart is 100%" with his partner doesn't mean that he cannot love another person, but that he wanted you to know of his loyalty. Even though he seems like a direct person, he may have his own interpretations of certain terms or concepts. Perhaps his "sitting on the fence" with his relationship is a bit of a rut. It sounds a little bit like he doesn't quite understand polyamory (calling it dangerous).

I would say go slowly, be open and honest (no doubt that you would) and ask for explanation if something doesn't make sense to you.

And hey, if you don't wind up seeing him again, you shared a nice kiss. Sometimes we just get little boosts like that in life even if they don't lead anywhere. Sometimes they shouldn't lead anywhere and simply stand on their own as a little bit of sweetness that came your way. In that case, I'd say he gave it, not stole it. :)

River

04-14-2011, 06:50 PM

I assume you two did not exchange contact info?

Correct. Our parting ways was unexpectedly abrupt. He had to be somewhere shortly. I was in the men's room, came out, and there he was saying he had to go. So I reached for a hug, which he granted. .... But I wish I'd gotten contact info. I left thinking that if we cared to we could meet up at the bar in the future, by chance. I suspect he's a regular.

Thanks for your words. I appreciate them.

River

04-14-2011, 06:55 PM

.... Perhaps his "sitting on the fence" with his relationship is a bit of a rut.

He hasn't been sexual with his partner in quite a few years! So, apparently, his life is divided into love-without-sex / Sex-without-love. That would certainly be a rut for me! I like the two together!

BlackUnicorn

04-14-2011, 07:37 PM

I'm more than a little tempted to be at the bar again this evening, just to see if he's there.

Am I nutz? Shouldn't I forget about this unavailable man?

Hmm, that depends on what do you hope to gain from meeting him again. Just kiss? Feel a little giddy? Have some of that self-validation that is oh so important when getting back in the dating game? Make him fall in love with you? Convert him to poly?

From what I've read on your posts, I'd say yes, emotional unavailability is not what you want or need right now.

River

04-14-2011, 08:55 PM

Hmm, that depends on what do you hope to gain from meeting him again.

Well, he sent some interesting messages. His attration to me isn't just physical. He made it clear that he's not into being with guys sexually who treat sex partners as if we are all interchangable. It's personal, for him. And he likes to talk with me..., etc. He didn't try to get me into bed right away. He wanted a kiss.... He's apparently interested in real intimacy. And yet... and yet.... And yet he was clear that he's taken (to use the common lingo).

When he said the bit about polyamory being "dangerous," my impression was that he recognized that it could unsettle his life. That it was under consideration, not dismissed out of hand.

Of course, we barely know one another at all ... and that's what I'd like to remedy. Maybe we're not cut out to be lovers? Maybe he could be a friend? Who knows?!

And, no, emotional unavailability is not what I want or need. Not even in a friend. Obviously.

It's just weird to me that folks create emotionally monogamous lives to begin with! So much unnecessary fear!

Magdlyn

04-15-2011, 01:57 PM

I've had a few experiences with men in sexless marriages... or nearly sexless. And a guy my gf dated in '09 was also in a sexless marriage. He was gay til he was with my gf (who is MtoF trans). He and she had a few dates, and I met him at a Yule party where he also brought another guy he was dating. Then he stopped talking to my gf for a while... finally he let her know he is divorcing his longtime partner.

The guys I dated who had partners, some of them have since split up, some are still with their wives in sort of a weird borderline way. Sounds like your bar buddy is really exploring having feelings, both sexual and emotional, with men other than his husband. Maybe you 2 could meet again, but take the sex part slowly... he has a lot of issues to work through, sounds like.

River

04-15-2011, 02:25 PM

Maybe you 2 could meet again, but take the sex part slowly... he has a lot of issues to work through, sounds like.

Thanks, Magdlyn.

In an email conversation with a friend, I mentioned your advice, then said ...

The others mostly warned me off, as you did. And they/you are right. But there may be something to what this poster said about "exploring". He cannot be happy in the relationship he's in. I suspect financial dependency is a part of the arrangement -- but I don't know that. ... But I cannot imagine anyone who likes physical-sexual intimacy can be happy in a relationship that doesn't provide that, or happy (for long) to substitute extracurricular sex with people with whom there is no genuine loving.

Keeping in mind my need to protect myself -- legitimately --, I'm thinking that I want to see if [his name] can be my friend, and I his. So there wouldn't be any kisses, nor sex. And if he can't handle even that much (friendship), that's fine. It wouldn't be a comment on ME.

River

06-08-2011, 10:54 PM

Where's River? He's out there, loving himself up!

I bumpted into him--the kisser--at the grocery store after a long while not seeing him at all. We shook hands (which I initiated) and smiled ... and then proceeded to shuffle our feet and try to find words. "So, shopping, huh?" he asked. "Um-hmm, shopping"....

"Haven't seen you at the bar."

"I hardly ever go."

"Well, have a good day."

"You too."

(Have I told you I can be very shy and socially awkward?)

Anyway, we went back to shopping ... and eventually I "grew a pair" (as they say) and wrote my phone number and name on a slip of paper and tracked him down and handed it to him, saying Please call me for tea or something some time. He said he would. I dunno, maybe this was a week ago. I haven't worried over it much. I mean, ... well, whatever.

I'm slowly making my way toward just holding myself open to love's possibilties--without gearing up for the hunt, if you know what I mean. I realized the wanting of another love in my life only makes me unhappy, unsatisfied.... So I've decided to just love myself up, I mean really pour it on. I deserve it! Shit, I'm taking myself out on some dates!

River

06-11-2011, 01:54 PM

We met here in this forum, and have corresponded quite a bit in recent weeks.

We have dozens of important things in common, and we really like one another a lot.

She lives many hundreds of miles away.

We clearly love one another as friends. And there is mutual "romantic" attraction, too.

I'm going to relish the glow of love and let it grow as big as it wants.

Yet, in reality, we haven't really met. We know each other well -- but it's all been marvelous text.

I've told her that I'd like to kiss her, however -- and it's true.

This has never happened like this before.

It's warm and bright like the morning sun just before it rises.

My whole heart has smiles.

nycindie

06-11-2011, 02:59 PM

I'm slowly making my way toward just holding myself open to love's possibilties--without gearing up for the hunt, if you know what I mean. I realized the wanting of another love in my life only makes me unhappy, unsatisfied.... So I've decided to just love myself up, I mean really pour it on. I deserve it! Shit, I'm taking myself out on some dates!
Mmmm, I love this!

River

06-11-2011, 04:25 PM

nycindie,

There are a few drawbacks to self-dating, however.

(a) No surprise gifts. I mean, what am I gonna do, buy myself a surprise rose or chocolates?

(b) I cannot kiss myself on the lips -- though I have tried!

(c) I look silly when I talk to myself out loud in restaraunts.

... and so forth.

One advantage of self-dating, however, is that I always laugh at my own jokes.

Charlie

06-12-2011, 12:12 AM

...to have you come knocking on my door, concerned about us all.

Thank you.

River

06-12-2011, 12:57 AM

Charlie,

I love the three of you like distant family, like tribe. Whether inscribed in clay tablets, parchment, paper or pixels, we of the poet tribe drink from the same ink well. You gotta look after your own. And love is inevitable.

River

06-12-2011, 02:49 PM

What madness is this!?

Text! Lots of text, but text nontheless, emails mostly. A phone call will happen soon, when the time is right. And we've seen each other's photos.

Without any hint of teasing (it's no strip tease!), we're getting naked and real with each other in text, getting to know one another soulfully in text. She lives so far away! What else can we do?

I just wanted some of that metaphorical nakedness to spill over into this forum, 'cause (a) this is where we met and (b) I owe it to y'all, since you've watched me simultaniously reveal my innermost self AND wear wonderful, well-crafted, delectible masks.

How it feels -- and what madness it is! -- ... I wake up before dawn and the dim silver of pre-dawn gently caresses an awakening heart, a dimention of heart largely unknown as feeling-it-directly.

I get a message from her about her grief over the end of her marriage and I immediately go into spasming sobs and a rainbow of tears. For I cannot have distance with her. Distinction, yes. Autonomy, yes. Otherness, alterity, yes (check), but the empathy over her words of grief was a direct line, or no line at all -- just the solid certainty that I am with her in it, directly. Not caught in it, but grieving with her, because I -- the madness -- ... because I love her so.

Hearts like diamonds, like diamonds strung across an infinite sky.

River

06-12-2011, 03:32 PM

Okay, now that's all I'm going to be saying about it for a long while. It's all very new and doesn't need to be publically graphed and charted. I just wanted to say that much, no more. We don't know what sort of relationship will develop. We do know we love each other; we can't help it. It may be an amazingly intimate, loving friendship. It may become romantic love. It will be what it will be, and it doesn't feel right to tell its unfolding story here.

nycindie

06-12-2011, 06:32 PM

Ah, River. Maybe you and I could have some conversations... I am in a long-distance thang right now, and have been texting, emailing, and having phone conversations with this man for a month. It is scary and exhilarating, and I can't quite believe the feelings I'm experiencing. We have been in contact actively every day - more than the frequency I'm used to in relationships with local guys. We text each other a good morning and good night every single day. Sometimes I'm just beside myself trying to figure out how I could feel this much affection and passion for someone I haven't met in person yet.

We are meeting for the first time in a little over a week. He is coming to my city and we've planned a day and night together. Sometimes I think I must be crazy, or that I will suddenly wake up from a dream!

Wondering how you got there, how you handle it...

River

06-14-2011, 03:22 AM

NYC,

I'll be in touch. Remind me if I forget. A whole lotta shakin' goin' on!

Magdlyn

06-15-2011, 12:13 PM

Aah River... I once fell in love with a guy on the internet. It was delicious while it lasted, very nurturing, big period of growth and self-discovery for me. Mmmm... Good luck, best wishes.

River

06-15-2011, 01:19 PM

Magdlyn,

But I have not fallen in love with a gal on the internet, I am rising together in love with a gal in Minnesota.

This is why I hope--blessed heart-of-the world, I hope ... nay, I vow--never to fall in love again. One who falls in love can lose it. Our rising in love together cannot be lost. We grow our love by not grasping after it.

River

06-15-2011, 05:37 PM

Non-attachment.

I am a follower of the Way of Dharma, and non-attachment figures importantly in that. I am a beginner along the way, really. I've drawn inspiration from the Way all of my life, nearly, but only now am I really beginning to practice, really practice.

Or should I say the Dharma is practicing me?

Every now and then I have a true breath, the kind that opens and clears and liberates, that soothes and heals and opens. (I repeat, opens. Again, opens.)

A life truly lived, fully embraced, occurs moment by moment.
(This signals how to practice mindful breathing. Be here now, right?)

So, I'm thinking and feeling and wondering and contemplating non-attachment. It must mean non-grasping, non-clinging.... And any of us can see that a person can become attached to non-attachment, can avoid -- run screaming from -- his or her own desires, longings.... The more intense a longing the more some might want to avoid, in order not to have attachment. Running from attachment is silly. Running headlong into attachment is silly. So what is the middle way? This is what my heart is palpably wondering, opening to as a question -- what I am wondering with my whole heart.

What I'm realizing, bit by bit, is that this thing I'm wanting so much, longing for so much, I already have. Have always had. Can never lose. In its essence, that is. And this
felt insight is what allows me to be with my intense desire and longing in a soft and open way. I don't need to dampen the intensity of my longing. I only need to hold it in the space of openness, of gentleness, of tenderness, of love. And that's all I ever wanted.

River

06-16-2011, 09:08 PM

Well, we've still not met face to face. (Which must wait, which is quite okay.) But her being touches my heart so tenderly and with such mutual tenderness-joy that there's no need at all to wait for the f2f. We've already touched soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart... in so many ways. So I'm declaring it official as of today. I know she loves me as I love her. My polyamory is no longer "in theory" but in practice. It's just a matter of kissing and cuddling now. We're in love.

Now, understand, I realize this sounds crazy. But you have not read our correspondence! If you did, you'd understand completely. If you understood it.

Breaking into song now ... "We are family...!" (poly family, us all.)

River

06-17-2011, 01:38 PM

Things have shifted around since I said I don't want to talk about her (M) and I in the forum. Now it feels okay to share here, but with much respect to the particulars -- to she and I and all others connected with us.

Here is the shape of things (and also why it feels okay to 'talk' about it here).:

I'm flat out and utterly, completely in love with M, but I am not attached to the kind of relationship we might have in the future. Or, rather, I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows. So if we end up being loving, intimate friends who are not also lovers, I'm prepared to be happy about that--though I'm very much looking forward to some kisses about which we've talked, along with the snuggling in a hammock about which we talked.

Did I tell you she sends me poems, and songs! Almost every day! And we have about the same taste in poems and songs. And she IS a poem! I love her so!

In conventional lingo, I've "fallen in love," but the truth is far better than that! I've been kicked around too much. I'm an old dog in love. I've been around the block. I'm becoming graceful at letting go, not clinging, not expecting, certainly not demanding. So any love that comes my way now is held in an open hand, palm open, facing up. What I want to be and do here, with my Darling, is celebrate her the way she celebrates me, and that's about it. I don't know what the future will be and I don't want to worry about it. I want to appreciate her, intensely, as she appreciates me.

Meanwhile, I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

On the other hand, a lot of folks here know Kevin & I are partners and lovers, and some
will do a double take if they see me with a girlfriend, holding hands, kissing.... That's going to be the fun part, if indeed we're headed down this path. I've even fantasized about introducing my girlfriend and my boyfriend to folks out in public, matter of factly. I'd have to stifle grins!

River

06-17-2011, 07:42 PM

arrival!

this is the vivid inside of the poem
this is the end of all searching
this is the indwelling of the found world
gone is the shroud of seeking
what was known at a distance
is now
the vivid inside of the world

images fall away

this is no fiction
this is the essence of life
this is the falling away of masks
this is the dropping away of armor
this is the unfolding mystery

this is home!

this i've always known
this is the final truth
this is the nature of things
this is home!

all of the givers know it
all who shiver glow it
any of us may instantly bestow it
this is home!

Rarechild

06-17-2011, 10:35 PM

Yes, you have written about her, haven't you?

I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows.

Thank you for overflowing into the life of my family. I know how it is to be so filled with joy that it is imperative to give it away free to anyone who crosses your path.

I have been thinking to myself all day, "Love does not seek for itself".

You are always inspiring to us and I wish you the best there is.
-R

River

06-18-2011, 10:45 PM

One of the myriad curious facts about the life of one who writes is that he or she will gradually discover curious things, like the meaning of the phrase "intimate acquaintance". One realizes that a rich vocabulary is necessary to speak the truth. Not all intimate aquaintainces are quite friends. They may become friends, or not. A friend is a regular feature in a person's life. They are kept near.

That said, I bumped into an intimate acquaintance today, a man with whom, when they ask, I must speak some truth -- because we are more than mere acquaintances.

So he asks... "Any news?" And so I proceed to tell him that I have a female love-interest. I've told a couple of my intimate acquaintances about this, just because I'm a sort of social psychologist, a sort of anthropologist, a sort of magician, a sort of trickster, a kind of raven who likes to squawk and see how folks react to the much unexpected and strange.

"And you're still with Kevin?" he asks.

"Well, yes, of course!"

"And Kevin's okay with this?" (He looks worried, puzzled, perplexed, as if I had come into his shop with my hair smoldering, wearing a short skirt.) ... [I can't help wondering if he's judging me a lunatic or an ass hole.]

"This kind of thing doesn't often work out very well," he said.

"I realize this, but I think we're up for it. [pause] One has to stare jealousy down" (paraphrasing).

And that's when I said that there was somethign "spiritual" going on. This guy is a universal mystic! I know he can handle it!

[Paraphrasing myself]:

"We are going right to the advanced studies. The universe handed us this and I'm--we are--going to give it our best shot. It feels raw and truthful, the real deal, a kind of calling. It's going to be challenging but I think we're going to create some beauty."

River

06-18-2011, 11:22 PM

Walking through Santa Fe's plaza today during an arts and crafts fair, I just had to stop to listen to the didgeridoo player. He had something. And I listened a bit ... and then I was entirely inside his music! He had some sort of leggings on that rattled when he shook his legs in rhythm. And in his hand were two carved hardwood sticks. (I don't know the names of these instruments.) And very soon I realized that he's got to be about the best didgeridoo player I've ever encountered, times ten. Times a hundred. Not a mere player, but a master.

I said, in my enthusiasm, "You are master!, wow!".

He answered, "I try." And then he reconsidered his words. And then he said, "No, I guess I don't try; I just let go."

Ponder that a minute!

He was Rob Thomas of Inlakesh - www.inlakesh.com

Another mystic! We're everywhere!

Rarechild

06-19-2011, 03:11 PM

Another mystic! We're everywhere!

:)

Magdlyn

06-19-2011, 03:31 PM

...I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

I know the feeling. Yesterday I was feeling particularly cuddly, and my gf and I were at the grocery store. I just wanted to put my arm around her each time we stopped our cart to look for an item, but really felt I couldnt. :( People would've looked and stared. Het couples can do it and no one thinks a thing of it. I did touch her a couple times briefly, but with awareness of who was nearby. Add in she is trans and is already paranoid enough about being "read" and whispered about when she's on the street.

Here's to better days for queers!

River

06-19-2011, 06:18 PM

Here's to better days for queers!

>Ching-ching<

I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me. At some point, probably not far off, I'll just be who I am wherever I am, and just let it all hang out. :)

Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.

What a strange world we have where people are afraid to be human and to love openly! Very strange indeed.

Magdlyn

06-20-2011, 08:14 AM

I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me.

I learned long ago not to care too much about what other people, especially strangers on the street, think of me. However, my gf isn't comfortable with being stared at and whispered about. She's transgender and handicapped and has been crushed by near constant bullying, open stares, whispers and downright shouted out statements on the street all her life. I am very sensitive to her feelings.

Gays have it easy compared to transpeople.

Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.

Nice. One day gf and I were in an uncrowded diner. She left the table to go to the ladies' room. One of the workers, a guy, came up to me and asked, "Is that your daughter?" Just for fun, to see where he was going, I said yes. He said, "Tell her she's wonderful!" I don't know what he meant by that, but we took it as some kind of compliment.

River

06-21-2011, 01:34 PM

A Jack & Jill Story

Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day. They had never met one another before, and were walking from opposite directions. There was a hill near the horizon and that's where each of them had decided to walk, so they could look down upon the town and ponder it all.

When Jack arrived atop the hill, Jill was there, sitting on a bench and drinking lemonade. And Jill was happy to see Jack and said hello and introduced herself. Pretty soon Jack and Jill were happily drinking lemonade on the bench together and talking about the pondering of it all. They were both a little shy and awkward at first, but as time went on they got comfortable with one another. They decided to meet atop the hill again, next Saturday.

After weeks of meeting atop the hill, one fine Saturday, Jack shyly and awkwardly reached out and touched Jill's hand. Jill was happy about this, and she opened her hand and gently held Jack's hand in hers. And together they pondered things atop the hill.

Next time they met they held hands immediately upon meeting, but first they exchanged hugs. After pondering things together a while they kissed.

And things were going alright for a while, and there was much joy and happiness shared, and many things pondered. But Jill began to lose her joy. The seed of a worry that had at first been very small had grown larger. Jill began to worry that somehow she would end up hurting Jack. Jill loved Jack very much, but the fear that she might hurt Jack grew larger and larger until that fear began to close Jill's heart right up when she was with Jack, or even when she thought about Jack.

And Jack's heart also began to feel a little tight when he was with Jill, because Jill no longer smiled quite as much or radiated much happiness and peace. Jack began to feel some hurt when he was with Jill. He felt rejected. "She doesn't love me much anymore," thought Jack.

And Jack didn't smile quite so much anymore, either, and began to feel mostly sad and hurt around Jill.

Jill's fears were confirmed. She had hurt Jack! And this made her feel really awful about herself. And the more awful she felt about herself the more awful she felt about herself, because now Jack feels even worse and worse each day, because Jill is in too much pain about hurting Jack to warm Jack with handholding and kisses and smiles.

By this time Jack and Jill would meet atop the hill and wonder why the hell they're even doing this any more. They're both all caught up in "I'm a bad person" stories. "I'm not good enough."

But the pain of it all made Jack ponder all the more. He looked deeply into things and saw what was happening. This made him smile again, for there was still hope.

"Jill," said Jack, "I have a plan."

"What is your plan?" asked Jill.

[By this time, Jill had shared with Jack her fear that she would one day hurt Jack.]

"Let's let each other go, said Jack."

[Jill was afraid she'd hurt Jack by leaving him one day.]

"But I really do love you, Jack, and I want to be with you now."

[Jack's heart began to open and soften again, hearing this.]

"Yes, Jill, but all of our fear that one day things between us may go badly are actually causing things to go quite badly right now, when we really do love one another."

[Jill saw that this was true, and realized that there was indeed hope, and this caused her to feel great joy and love, which she shared with Jack. And they held hands and kissed and pondered some more.]

"I love you so very much, Jack," said Jill.

[Jack looked into Jill's eyes and at her bright smile and saw that this was true, which
overjoyed him.]

And so Jack and Jill, because they loved each other ever so much, held each other tightly as they let each other go.

And years passed and whenever they are together you can see them holding each other tightly and letting each other go.

"I love you so much!" said Jack and Jill.

River

06-22-2011, 01:13 AM

Well, I told you folks I was working on being "naked" (vulnerable, honest, expressive, myself, etc.), so in that light let me share with you that I was really struck by the beauty of the little girls at the grocery store this evening. There's something about throwing your heart open to a woman that does that to a bi guy who's been mainly with men. My female love interest was once a little girl, just like these. And so they shine, they glow with the young and tenderest of the feminine. They are beautiful, are they not? Little girls?

Please don't call the cops! I'm just sayin' they're so beautiful.

River

06-29-2011, 11:02 PM

after image

there is this image
of myself
releasing
the knot
of self-rejection

and the image is the knot
of self-rejection

and the image of myself
tender and self-loving enough
to be held and loved tenderly
is this knot of self-rejection

this longing and fear
is the knot

these hopes and dreams are
the knot

and the idea that there is really
no knot is the
knot

because it is an idea
and not
yet
an embrace

please hold me
here
as I hold
myself
here

here

tenderly

River

06-30-2011, 01:50 PM

I was impatient, yesterday. I wanted it all and I wanted it then. Today, I'm much more tender toward myself. Time is my friend again. And I realize how lucky and blessed I am. And the freedom and joy have returned, somewhat. And that's enough. It's enough to have the window open and the cool air.

....

Spent hours with cuddle-buddy Russell yesterday evening. We talked heart-and-soul talk with one another, naked words (literal clothes on). I told him how I've really been needing the sort of intimate friendship we are having now, and how little of it I have had in my life. .... I find myself truth-telling everywhere I go, as much as is possible and not too nutty. I want to release the apparent gap between what I am and how I am. I suppose this is all I do now--, let go.

I want to be here for each sunrise and sunset, every child's eyes, every flower, every wound, every star, moon, cloud, earthworm, kiss, joy, hurt, fear.... I want to be here. Here is where I want to be.

River

06-30-2011, 08:29 PM

Climb Mount Fuji,
O snail,
but slowly, slowly.

~Matsuo Basho

Even in Kyoto --
hearing the cuckoo's cry --
I long for Kyoto.

~Basho

I want to be here, I said. And I thought to add, now.

I want to be here now. Now when the rains threaten not to come in the cool wind above the dank and also dry Earth. Now amid the distant turtles and snails which are also so near. Now when whole fractions of mountains slide off. Now when the rumbling cool of welcome and the collapse of syntax. Now when I refuse to pay a sin tax. Now and here in crazy puns and rhymes. Here and now where I've always already been.

The gifts! I played it on my saxophone, but couldn't hear the music -- deaf, dumb and silly, wanting to melt like spring.

Unhidden in this ordinary world, Matsuo Basho blows his own horn!

River

06-30-2011, 09:15 PM

Time After Time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMznNlfLXP4&feature=player_embedded)

Rarechild

07-01-2011, 08:27 PM

A Jack & Jill Story

Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day....

"Yes, Jill, but all of our fear that one day things between us may go badly are actually causing things to go quite badly right now, when we really do love one another."

[Jill saw that this was true, and realized that there was indeed hope, and this caused her to feel great joy and love, which she shared with Jack. And they held hands and kissed and pondered some more.]

"I love you so very much, Jack," said Jill.

[Jack looked into Jill's eyes and at her bright smile and saw that this was true, which
overjoyed him.]

And so Jack and Jill, because they loved each other ever so much, held each other tightly as they let each other go.

And years passed and whenever they are together you can see them holding each other tightly and letting each other go.

Thanks, buddy.
-R

River

07-02-2011, 03:31 PM

Darlin', RC, your joy and love and freedom are my joy and love and freedom. Resounding peace be with you and your dear ones.

River

07-02-2011, 04:51 PM

naked

the violet lovedrunk ribcage!
swimming steady silent
breathing
invisible
wine

notice it and it grows
attend to it and it blooms
stay with it and it awakens
it opens its barred door

the door flies from its hinges

there was never a door!

a pattern

the moon is up
and down
the tides are in
and out
the breath rises
and falls
the heart pulses
why was i then
afraid of falling?
what's all of this business
about rising all the time?
letting go is falling
didn't i always say
the burden of holding on
was too much?

.

River

07-06-2011, 08:15 PM

Bodhichitta

Wanting to nap
Hot, July, naked on the bed
Where is the deep rest?
I wonder to myself

Here I am
Says bodhichitta
Like a silent memory
Of a Greater Breath
A whisper
Drink me

~Alice in Wonderland?!~

And the cliche
No poet should touch!
The ubiquitous image
Of a water droplet falling
Into a rippling center
Pool

Drink me
I have become stars
Galaxies
Universes
I am weary
Alone
After this many millennia
Sleeping in my
Potential
Drink me
And find rest

Fall
Into
Me

River

07-07-2011, 09:17 PM

I want to ask you, would you die for love?

Seriously, given a choice between living a fully loving human life and not, would you be willing to sacrifice everything? All of it?

I have no hesitation whatsoever in saying, Fucking hell yes!

I'd give everything for love.

An arm? No problem -- cut away! Two legs -- have at it. How many eyes do you want?
Here's my tongue, my brain....

We humans, most of us, are poor lovers. We don't want to sacrifice our taste in drapes, in dinner set patterns, in home decor....

People divorce over such things!

A lover is mighty thirsty. Mighty hungry. He'll / she'll take a swan dive into Pure Mystery
for a glimpse of the Beloved.

How hungry are you?

If you want to spend the rest of your life in front of the television, you are not yet ready to love. If you want only comfort and peace in love, you've not begun to travel the way of the lover.

Join with me, lovers! Risk everything! Become your true self.

Feedhercandy

07-08-2011, 05:12 AM

[QUOTE=River;87753]A Jack & Jill Story

"Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day..."

Did you write this? I love it. It's beautifully touching; sad yet optimistic. Absolutely lovely. Thank you.

River

07-08-2011, 10:33 PM

[QUOTE=River;87753]A Jack & Jill Story

"Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day..."

Did you write this? I love it. It's beautifully touching; sad yet optimistic. Absolutely lovely. Thank you.

Thanks! Yes, I wrote it. ... Or did it write me? Yes, I think it wrote me.:)

evrchanging

07-08-2011, 11:31 PM

River

07-10-2011, 12:53 PM

Smitten kitten, VLDR style

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=90956&postcount=35

River

07-11-2011, 02:18 PM

My Dream This Morning

I'm sitting on a park bench, holding my wooden walking stick, the one I bring with me on most hikes. Oddly, the stick is up-side-down, with the tapered wood narrow on the top and thick on the bottom. I never carry it this way, of course! But here I am with a dream-generic friend, sitting on this bench. My arm extended and held high above my head, holding this up-side-down walking stick.

My friend asks me, touching his own heart, "So, you are becoming completely undefended?"

"Yes," I said, somewhat surprised and filled with wonder.

Comments On Dream

My world is turned up-side-down, and so being turned upright again, since the world has been quite up-side-down. (This world where hearts are defended rather than openly and freely expressed.)

Shiver on skin in saying this ... agrees.

Praise the Mystery!

nycindie

07-11-2011, 05:04 PM

My impression:
I think that your sitting down in the dream means you feel able to relax, no need to push forward on a hike with your walking stick. You have reached a place of being comfortable where you are. You're saying, "Look, I can turn things upside down (even the very things I lean on), and I'm sitting right here, okay with it all." You're not chasing anything or running from something -- you're side by side on a bench with a friend! Yes, undefended, and also willing to be with what is. How nice!

River

07-11-2011, 06:15 PM

nycindie,

Wow! That's perceptive. I hadn't thought about the sitting and the stick as such. Thanks!

My life is now so full of joyful magic and wonderful gifts falling into my lap out of the blue that, indeed, I'm very happy to sit and relax and just be here, or go for a hike..., or work..., or play....

I'm just so amazingly happy! I've been so unhappy for so long that it's surprizing. I've been knocked down hard in the past; I mean hard. And I am emerging with more resiliency than I thought possible, with the happiness and resiliency and magic growing a little each and every day. It is just so good to be alive, here in the Milky Way, on/in Earth. - - - Just like that Beatles song where it is sung, "It's getting better all the time". And I have less silly chronic fear each day, and less anxiety, and more peace and openness and joy.

I'd wish this on anyone! Well I do! I wish it on everyone!

River

07-11-2011, 06:28 PM

You're saying, "Look, I can turn things upside down (even the very things I lean on)

You know, I was just telling my far-away (but in my heart, close!) Sweetie how
happy and joyous I am to be so in love and have it be so little about me-getting-something-out-of-or-from her -- how much I want to give, to give love rather than to get her/it. It feels very grown up and adult:eek::D I'm not leaning on her at all. That old energy has been turned up-side-down.

She's thinking of enrolling in a master's degree program way up North where she lives, more than a thousand miles from my home. I could be self-centered about it and tug on her (the old me woulda) to come study down here (since I cannot relocate), but I'm feeling this awesome trust that everything just has to work out perfectly so long as I keep my heart open wide, and wider each day.:)

River

07-12-2011, 02:40 PM

Do you know that you are awake?

I fell asleep last night before Kevin came to bed, and then awoke -- sort of -- and sat up in bed when Kevin came into the room. I was in some sort of neither-here-nor-there consciousness (having just received some deep bodywork)..., when Kevin looked at me and asked with a soft sort of urgency, "You know you are awake, don't you? Sometimes people are awake and they don't know that they are awake. Do you know that you are awake?" (Later, explained that my eyes were "glassed over".)

I was stunned by this whole announcement and question, rattled to my core. What is awake? What is it? I don't know what awake is, but surely this must be it. Maybe, because I don't really know what awake is I am somehow more awake than I'd otherwise be? Maybe because a question like that can shake me to the core, I'm quite awake?

One day I was visiting my friend in Kansas and we were playing pool in this greasy spoon / bar sorta joint, when suddenly the lights came on. I had been in some kind of fog, and it cleared and I could see/feel/know the intense wonder and stunning wowness of being there/here. Right then, I was quite awake, I think. And I was sort of asleep before the lights came on.

Awakeness sparkles across my life, bubbling up here and there in myriad shapes, sizes, textures and colors. There is so much to wake up! Maybe (probably) my heart is between a quarter and a half of a fully awake heart? How wonderful to have a heart at all, even if it isn't yet as full and round and whole as it might be, down the road. Being happy with where I am on the journey of awakening is quite an awake place to be. The path is the destination. Every moment along the way is saturated with wonder.

River

07-13-2011, 03:41 AM

The sands of time....

Derek! I love/d him with all of my heart. It was almost half a lifetime ago! When all is said and done, the facts are: He's alive; He is well, very well, indeed!

I'll always love him with all of my heart. Such is the nature of hearts.

He's middle aged now, just like me. (Is this really him!?! in this photo on the "internets"?) Yes, it is!

Still beautiful. Still cute. Still just what I knew he was destined to be -- a healer, a teacher, a mystic, a lover....

Oh, it's such a long and short story!

Infinite love is the glory of my life.

Suffice it to say, I love him with all of my infinite heart. I always have.

River

07-13-2011, 02:43 PM

Set Them Free (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLzPtg6LJJo)

River

07-13-2011, 03:30 PM

Talking with myself again...

Here in this world with mosquitos and rattle snakes and ticks and stinging insects.... Here where it is sometimes too hot, too cold, where there are wars and diseases, where death sits on our shoulders and waits.... Here where rose bushes have thorns, ... Right here in all of this grows the most tender glory, the most ecstatic freedom, the most awesome joy....

Say an unequivocal Yes! to life, and watch what happens! Say it often. Live this Yes.

River

07-13-2011, 06:34 PM

Taking Rest

You get up from a park bench
And you walk away
And you stop
And look back
As if something -- what? --
Had been left behind

It was nothing
Just a bit of myself
As if I were a snail
Leaving a trail of myself behind

The day has opened
And my hand has opened
And the poem opens
Where the heart opens
The loss of the fear
Of falling

The falling away of death
The opening of death
The embrace of the dark
The hello to light
To shadow

This love is bigger than I am
It cannot go on carrying
Myself around
As if I knew myself at all
As if I need needed
The busy
Inward mirror

River

07-14-2011, 02:51 PM

So I told my new far-away-nearby SweetiePie about Derek, who basically pushed me away so very long ago, Derek who it was impossible not to love, to fall in love with. I had gone to visit with him in San Francisco, where he lived, and I was so in love with him. I had travelled far to be with him a while. (We were little more than puppies way back then, about seventeen years ago. Wet behind the ears puppies.)

... Anyway, he was something of a cold fish toward me most of my visit. We shared a bed and he would not hold me or be held. I did get some kisses at a restaraunt, though!:) But, overall, I was being rejected. Pushed away. And it broke my heart.

We had met up in Oregon some months before, and there is where I fell in love with Derek. And I got to hold him there bunches and kiss and sleep with him ... spooning....

This was so long ago!

Anyway, after talking with my SweetiePie about Derek I decided one more time to see if I could track him down and make contact with him. This time I was successful. I learned where he lived and how to contact him, and sent him email. He responded! We're back in communication! Wow!

He had a drug addiction problem, he had told me the last time I'd seen him, after he'd pushed me away in San Francisco. He had it bad, and cried with me as he said that it would kill him if he didn't kick it. People push people away when they are hurting and scared. Shit, we were both hurting and scared wet behind the ears puppies (and cute!) back then. (He's still cute!)

He told me yesterday that he loves me. He wants to talk on the phone next week (He's on vacation away from home and we're communicating on FaceBook and email.) He said he'd like to come visit me here in Santa Fe. (He lives on the East coast now.)

After much confusion and tears and sobbing I came to realize that I've never stopped being in love with Derek. It's such an amazing thing! All of these years I have been in love with Derek. I will, in fact, always be in love with Derek.

What sort of relationship we might have? I sure don't know. Maybe we can be in love and not see each other often? Maybe we'll "date"? Maybe we'll be close friends? Maybe we will be lovers and romantic partners? (Gawd! I already have two! (And one of those lives in freaking Minnesota!) Is the universe being too generous?!)

I never dreamed I might have three loves all at once.

I'm going to have to cut this off at three, Ms Universe! Are you hearing me, Goddess!? I can handle a maximum of three Great Loves right now. Please stop sending me abundance in this particular realm of my life. Don't get me wrong, HeartOfTheCosmos, I'm much appreciative. I have much gratitude. But I am human. So knock it off, okay. Give me land to build a community on. Give me a briefcase full of cash. Heal my heart and soul some more. But no more lovers, okay! Thank you so much! I love you! You're the best. I'd do anything for you. You know that.:):D;)

River

07-14-2011, 10:32 PM

Melody

Can you hear the melody
Arising from the fantasy
Arising from the common sense
And breaking down the self-defense?

You come to them with poetry
And listen to the mystery
They oblige sincerity
And offer up a yes indeed

Deeper still than garden seeds
Fuller than those garden weeds
Tending to your deepest needs
They know that you've been always free

And what if it's a dream bouquet?
They echo what you've always said
They know where you've been always dead
The palace living in your head

The world is just a dream machine
Or so it is on tv screens
The river flowing in your veins
The moment living still remains

And so you give them all you have
And pray the rhyme will be less bad
The way you dance across the floor
As if you're sure there's dancing more

Magdlyn

07-15-2011, 01:40 PM

Glad a special person came back into your life, River.

River

07-15-2011, 02:45 PM

Thanks, Magdlyn!

This is so amazing and wonderful, even if all that comes of it is some talking.

nycindie

07-15-2011, 05:26 PM

I do like that "briefcase full of cash" request...

River

07-15-2011, 06:24 PM

I'm going to be needing that cash for travel expenses!

Have any of you ever met up with somone you loved after a very, very long time with no see and no hear?

River

07-15-2011, 10:50 PM

July 15th. Seems like as good a day as any to begin. For the rest of July I will not have even a single drop of alcohol, nor will I smoke a single cigarette. And I will sit in meditation twice a day, morning and evening, every day -- no excuses. And I will eat only food that is healthy and good for my energy.

My pattern is to drink in the evenings. I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm a lazy sonofabitch, and drinking every evening and having one or two or three cigarettes, also only in the evening (except when Russell comes over, sheesh!), is a lazy cycle for me that leads to further laziness and a general 'ah, fuck it' attitude.

While we're at it, I'll not watch half as much television as I have been, which has been very, very little anyway.

All of these things I will be doing without beating myself up at all, nor will it be motivated by shame, guilt, fear, or any other useless delusions.

I am going to breathe my heart into fuller wakefulness. Or, rather, I will be held in the loving embrace of spirits, elves, dwarves, starlight, fresh spinach leaves, carrots, my dear friends and loves/lovers of the human kind, and the general freaking mystery of it all.

I welcome metta from you, dear reader, as well. (Google it.) Hold me in your loving thoughts and sensations. This should be sensational. And just the beginning. For August is looking pretty juicy, too.

River

07-22-2011, 09:39 PM

July, 22. - - - Not drinking or smoking has turned out to be remarkably easy, pretty smooth. And I feel great! Well, I've had a crazy detox process going on, which is the probabable cause of the horrible and frightening constipation episode I just got through, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, this is easy as pie. And I feel all kinds of healing happening.

I no longer need crutches, nor do I want them. This is amazing, looking in the rear view mirror.

I had a bout of great sadness while having lunch with my Sweetie today. Sadness about a very dear friend (and long ago lover, of sorts) being in so much emotional suffering, and feeling stuck, seeing no way beyond it. But today my sadness was my friend, not an unfortunate condition or something to be pushed away. I welcome my sadness in the way a river flows. I welcome it like weather. This is remarkable, looking at it in the rear view mirror.

My sadness feels like free-flowing love. My sadness is joy and peace! My sadness is liberated! This is remarkable! Looking at it in the rear view mirror.

I've been continually happy for week after week after week! I am a happy man -- a happy man who occasionally experiences sadness or fear or pain. But happy is the base line. It is where I live. It is my home.

And this is my gift ... to all. My healing and growth is what I breathe, what I give.

I'm so in love with life! So, so happy!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=93309&postcount=296

BornEmpathinVirgo

07-23-2011, 12:20 AM

July, 22. - - - looking at it in the rear view mirror.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=93309&postcount=296

This is GREAT!!!!...says a lot:)

River

07-23-2011, 03:16 PM

Thanks, BEV.

Hey? Where are my kisses and hugs? C'mon people!

River

07-23-2011, 03:41 PM

(Not sure how to spel sqweeky.)

I'm not looking to get greased up, anyway. Just give me some lovin'. Geeze. You think it's easy being so happy?!? This is rough. Now give me some lovin', peeps.:p:D

You'd think an extraordinarily happy person carried the freaking plague round here! (Ten foot pole, anyone?)

....

How happy am I? I'm happy to overspilling, near to bursting! And some of the icing on the cake (I'm the cake!, see) is that Derek, my long lost love, is coming to my neck of the woods this very summer! In large part to see me and spend time with me -- after we've been out of communication for 16-17 years.

Now, of course, when I call him my long lost love and the rest of it, don't think I think we're going to be lovers. I have no such (or any) expectations -- though I'm open to it. I'm just delighted beyond measure that we'll get to spend time within reaching distance for a hug! Maybe we'll sleep out under the stars and talk late into the night. Or share a cup of tea, or wander the streets like blowing tumbleweeds.... Any of these possibilities are freaking awesome!

I've entered a new world beyond lack. Nothing is missing or lacking. There is only now overspilling ... and how much? I freaking love overspilling! But, anyway, I don't grasp anymore. I invite. I welcome. I allow. Nothing is lacking, so there's no other way. As I said, I love overspilling -- but I am not attached to it. Attachment is suffering, and suffering especially I am unattached to.

Joy is knowing how and when to set your sails.

===

Okay, Darlings! Forget the grease, give me some lovin'. I want to overspill some.:D:p

neegoola

07-23-2011, 08:52 PM

HAAALLOOOO!!!!! :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHWBZAPXNfk

:):):)

and this is a present
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

(..but..maybe you have it already... well, we can change it...:o :D)

a hug, sweetheart, take care :)

River

07-23-2011, 10:39 PM

Thanks, Darlin'!

That Double Rainbow Guy has it right! He has awe! Life is that awesome! It'll ring all our bells if we will let it. Good thing he's vulnerable to a breeze on his skin, this fellow.

It said his little video had 29,181,748 views. Wow!

neegoola

07-24-2011, 01:08 PM

:D

i felt putting here a (last) link to celebrate Joy and Happiness in Sharing; it's a dance (that everyone can easily learn) i like very much and it is sweet and funny and re-charging sharing it with some dancing friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUwYJrjLGqs

bye :)

River

07-24-2011, 02:57 PM

Thanks, Neegoola! I do love Kali Ma.

River

07-24-2011, 09:24 PM

Naked, Nekkid, Naiked...

"The joyous task which confronts an ethic of spontaneity, however difficult it may be, is quite literally to woo people out of their armed shells."

-Alan Watts

An infant is naturally spontaneous and authentic. Who has ever seen an armored and mask-wearing baby? Yet, inevitably, the infant becomes a child and the child an adolescent and then an adult--unless death comes too soon. And a person becomes layered, complex, shielded against both real and imaginary threats or losses.

===

People in our culture often think that sex is oriented only toward pleasure, toward "getting off". But I think something deeper is at play in sex, the desire to get naiked. This desire can carry us along a transformational journey which is very much an authentic spiritual path -- regardless of religious affiliation.

Naiked is a word I just coined, from a metaphor: naked. Naked is being in one's birthday suit, or sans clothing. Nekkid, I hear from Southerners, means "turned on and naked" ... Or is it just "turned on"? ... But metaphorical nakedness (which I now call "naiked") is being like a baby again, only as an adult, or perhaps an adolescent. Sexual intimacy, like all intimacy, is potentially a powerful practice we may engage to reclaim our naikedness--which is too painful a loss not to wish to reclaim once one knows one has lost access to it.

===

People say there has been a sexual revolution. I very much doubt it. If there has been such a revolution, it has failed. There is very little liberated sexuality in our culture because there is very little naikedness. To be naiked is to trust one's own spontaneous, bodily being enough to transcend one's neurotic and fixated egoism and self-obsession, also known as contractedness. To be naiked is to live in an eternal present unfolding through time, like riding a great wave on a surf board. To be naiked is to be newly here, having just arrived for the first time, like a baby. To be naiked is not to be without adult reasoning skills, but to be uncontained by these, unbound by these, unidentified by them. To be utterly spontaneously authentic is to be naiked. And that's why one cannot be naiked in one's "head". The intellect is incapable of naikedness--, unless it has been transformed by bodily naikedness. Such intellect takes itself to be the body and the earth before it confuses itself with some substance between the ears.

River

07-24-2011, 09:36 PM

River

07-26-2011, 02:02 AM

Derek (the long lost love) and I will be attending a queer men's "shaman's gathering" (a gathering of freaky shamans, healers and the like) near the middle of next month, here in New Mexico. He's coming from the East coast. We're driving about four hours together to get there. We'll be camping together, etc....

This is, of course, an astonishing development. Simply astonishing. And I'm nervous! We'll be spending a LOT of time together, after not seeing one another (or even talking) in so very many years.

We're going as friends. Friends who have been intimate, long ago. We'll be friends. We'll probably cuddle. We may kiss. Who knows.

My shoulders feel tight. I'm nervous.

My plane has landed. In a new and strange world. Grounded again. Earthy.

BornEmpathinVirgo

07-27-2011, 01:46 AM

I trust that it will be everything you have anticipated!! Enjoy yourself!:)

River

07-27-2011, 02:42 AM

Gosh, I hope it is much better than anything I've anticipated! (eek!) ;)

nycindie

07-27-2011, 02:58 AM

Derek (the long lost love) and I will be attending a queer men's "shaman's gathering" (a gathering of freaky shamans, healers and the like) . . .
I love this. My guess is you're one of the freaky shamans! :p

River

07-27-2011, 03:20 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8m62J3Q8Ng0

River

07-27-2011, 09:20 PM

Rinkle Free Darlings

Soon I shall be on Faerie Land again. I have not stepped foot on Faerie Land since I was somewhat less youthful, somewhat less middle aged. So it's perfect that the latest issue of RFD, a Faerie magazine, is called Rinkle Free Darlings, and features this delightful lad on its cover.
http://www.rfdmag.org/cover-detail.php?img=images/pages/1016_F1306361620.jpg&iss=146

I'm going with this guy I met on Faerie Land, and we were so much younger sixteen/seventeen years ago. We have grey in our hair/beards..., some Rinkles.... And as I gazed at the Cover Boy ... well let me just say that I still have some of my youthful beauty left and I intend to make the most of it while it lasts. And let me add that I'd not like to be twenty-something again, and that I'm glad I survived it! Still, I could feel my heart sink looking at Cover Boy. He's so cute! We were all so cute back then, before all of the hard knocks and the "learning experiences" which we managed somehow to survive, and which made our eyes glow. Didn't our eyes begin to glow? Aren't we on fire? Don't we have our Second Childhood? Are we not awake? Aren't the stars and the crickets and the meals and the conversations...? Aren't they! Now that the clock is ticking so loudly along with the calendar pages..., which fall away amidst the stars and the crickets and....

BornEmpathinVirgo

07-28-2011, 02:43 AM

:confused::D:D

River

07-28-2011, 02:11 PM

BEV,

Sorry..., I didn't explain "Faerie Land". Faerie Land is Radical Faerie sanctuary land. Google "Radical Faeries" for info on them (us?!).

In my own case, I'm not exactly "fae" (effeminite, likes to wear women's clothing and act all girly), but neither were lots of the Faeries I met at the Oregon sanctuary, years ago.

I did put on a dress on Faerie land, as a sort of wild, playful act -- which had the side effect of helping me clear out some internalized projections from the het culture.

There is a lot to like about the Radical Faeries, although they are definitely very weird! I enjoy a little exotic weirdness now and then, and it's pretty nice to see a bunch of naked guys outdoors. (Not that everyone is naked, just some!)

SNeacail

07-28-2011, 03:53 PM

it's pretty nice to see a bunch of naked guys outdoors.

:D Spectator Sport! :p
Opps! Said that outloud :eek:

neegoola

07-28-2011, 07:47 PM

hey, i googled radical faeries, it' wonderful!! i didn't know.. :o

thanks sooo much :)

and yes, me too i'm very happy with my grey hair and experiences that had come to accompany them to a vast care for my self, a different way of taking care, loving and letting be loved :)

River

07-28-2011, 08:52 PM

It's lovely to see you taking "vast" care of yourself, Neegoola! Would that we all could do so with ourselves! The world would be so much the better.

Today I am meditating on the word, sincere.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sincere

The Long Lost Love guy (mentioned above) said something that rang in my ears all of these years, about my being sincere. And he and I talked about that the other day on the phone. It's true. Sincerity has long marked my personality, has been both what I longed for (more of it!) and what has guided me all along.

But the truth is, today, my sincerity feels like unilateral disarmament, and has a sad quality about it, a kind of grief. For ours is not a world that much celebrates and honors
sincerity, perhaps especially in men. People are often put off, offended, by vulnerability and authenticity, it seems. Sometimes I feel as if I cary a deadly virus and I'm sneezing and caughing its scary germs in public places. Sometimes I feel toxic, as if I am exuding acid fumes. Sometimes I feel like an alien species.

Or maybe I'm just grieving for the fear and trembling which causes so many to hide behind masks and fronts, in shielding and armor. Or maybe I'm afraid to unmask and unshield further, as I so want to do. Or maybe I'm afraid I'll be abandoned if I follow my calling to its logical conclusion. It's probably all of the above. But today I know the whole thing is raw, difficult, painful. I see people I love who are anguished because they simply don't know how to open up and tell the truth about themselves, lay it all out there and be loved in it. So that they can come home to themselves, at last.

Magdlyn

07-29-2011, 12:32 PM

Hey River, I was away at a music fest for a week and didn't see your requests for love, hugs and kisses to help you celebrate your new-found joy in life.

Love Hugs Kisses!!!

As far as being naked (naiked) emotionally goes, this is why I hang out with young people so much. I am about to turn 56 and the people I went to the fest with, a troop of about 12-15, nice coven size, were all ages from 19-37. Younger people are enjoyably naive, energetic, funny and open. Most people my age get stuck in ruts, living on past glories, getting more conservative and rigid as they age.

Fuck that! I'm still alive and vibrant and sexy (some would say "spry" :p ), and I'm not living in the past, stuck in remembering the good ol' days when I was in my 20s in the 1970s. This life is meant to be lived, drinking in every drop, making allowances for sore joints and muscles, taking care of my physical body as much as I can so I can just keep playing and learning and connnecting deeply with people and nature.

The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."

River

07-29-2011, 01:17 PM

The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."

How fortunate for you and they!

Thanks so much for the Love Hugs Kisses, Magdlyn.

Speaking of getting a little older ... I'm 45, and am thinking of going to massage school to begin a new career (part time) in that field. But my fingers are crossed on that, since I may or may not have a benefactor to pay for my schooling. Without that, I may not be able to do it.

I lost a bunch of years of potential career development to Emotional Basketcase Syndrom. Sigh.

My other hat is writer/publisher. And my other hat is artist/craftsman.

neegoola

07-30-2011, 07:54 PM

The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."
that's it!!! :):)
nice to meet you, mag :)
It's lovely to see you taking "vast" care of yourself, Neegoola! Would that we all could do so with ourselves! The world would be so much the better.

Today I am meditating on the word, sincere.

darlin', i say that Now i'm taking care of my self vastly in comparison to troubles and wounds i provocated since 2 years ago to me and some other ego minds and bodies around me. ...
i discovered that it is not impossible saying "no" sometimes to my Inner Servant (Unihipili?) and letting Her see that something nice and interesting and clever and lovely is going to happen with that shift.
sometimes..kind of work, dear :(

i share everything you wrote about sincerity; well.. there is something bit.. sad i could add from my experience in being TOO sincere, but for the moment i feel simply to report what Yi (I Ching) often reminds me: flow like water does, filling up every corner while running in her path, in the opportune way.
i swear i'm doing my very best for it, but it's for me one of the most difficult control i have to have.
you remember that tell? "the emperor is naked!!" here we are...but i'm not a child..

simply yours (of every reader, of course :cool:) :)

Magdlyn

07-30-2011, 09:32 PM

nice to meet you, mag :)

Thanks, but I don't think we've been formally introduced. Would you mind starting a thread in the Intros forum, stating your gender, experience with being poly, and a few other biographical details? Thanks!

darlin'...

Is River your lover??

River

07-30-2011, 10:08 PM

"Darlin'"

Is River your lover??

Nope. But I do appreciate being called "darlin'" by any kind person who wants to call me "darlin'".

I call lots of people "darlin'". Some are acquaintances; some are friends; some
are lovers. I mean it differently with the lovers (or I'm romantically interested, anyway--as with "M" of Minnesota), of course!:p

neegoola

07-31-2011, 10:09 AM

Thanks, but I don't think we've been formally introduced. Would you mind starting a thread in the Intros forum, stating your gender, experience with being poly, and a few other biographical details? Thanks!

Is River your lover??

ooohhh, dear! there's not yet my introduction, you are right; i know that sooner or later i'll fill up a little space in Introduction and maybe mumble about how to enrich my profile so to harmonize my being here with you all.
..it's just that...i really want to Feel the Moment for doing all this..

in few hours i'm leaving with my two kids for a nice adventure holyday :) i'll reach you again here very soon, promised!

hugs to every soul hidden behind little fingers pushing little buttons all over Ether.
and merry Lug!

River

08-04-2011, 04:47 PM

Communities magazine's current issue is focussed on intimacy. Sounds good!

http://communities.ic.org/issues/151/Intimacy

River

08-07-2011, 11:31 PM

No, I'm not going to go into the circumstances that didn't allow "M" and I to communicate by phone until today. It is practically irrelevant. Instead, I will say that her voice, the sound of her, conspires together with her words..., and I love her so! How could I not?

And now for some cat and owl.:

http://www.wimp.com/catowl/

If anyone wants to share the Spanish words (It is Spanish, isn't it?), in English translation, that'd be fine.

Hugs all around!

River

08-08-2011, 10:45 PM

I have a sort of date with my faraway Sweetie tonight -- a phone date. Her voice is such a delight to me, after all of this text spilled between us, and such a happy surprise that it is such a wonderful, lovely voice. She said the same about my voice. Yay!

"M" has been intensively grieving the end of her marriage following her very recent divorce and separation, and I recently decided it would be best for me not to travel twelve hundred miles to be with her anytime soon. I want to comfort and love her as a friend, but that's all slippery slope territory for me, and I told her so. I'd want to kiss her, to hold her, to sleep beside her in bed. And this is too close to "romance," and it isn't yet time for her (and therefore also myself) to flirt with romance. It's too soon after the divorce. So we're looking at maybe a wintertime visit, perhaps. But a long visit in spring, by which time I suspect the grieving process will be complete enough and kisses and snuggles won't be premature.

In the mean time, we can continue to be very close friends, and "date" in a manner of speaking..., at a distance.

It was so nice to tell her with my voice that I love her, and to hear her very own voice say "I love you, too".

Patience is....

River

08-09-2011, 03:47 AM

Wow! I so enjoyed my "date" with "M" this evening! We talked for a couple of hours, I think. It is a complete joy to spend time with her! I love her so very much! Well, I love her completely, utterly, without limit. And I feel that she loves me, too. Which is so amazing and wonderful! We could talk for hours and hours more, yet still I long to rub her feet and canoe with her and look into her eyes ... and ... and....

I'm so happy!

River

08-09-2011, 02:54 PM

Now, of course, it seems to me that it's a little silly for "M" and I to play make believe that we're casual friends and that there isn't something "romantic" going on between us. This I am not doing nor encouraging. "Romance" naturally arises between us along with the spontaneous joy and happiness we share in the fact of each other's existence, of the other's presence in our lives, of us together. So I'm not going to pretend that I'm not in some sense "dating" "M". It delights me to think of it that way. I think we're both looking forward to a time in the future when the grieving is complete enough and a new
spirit of readiness emerges. That's just part of the mix between us; and it's okay.

Last night we talked about what an amazing twenty first century relationship we have, how we've grown so very intimate, loving and close through cyber text, and now telephone, yet we've never been within arms length of one another. I feel that we have "bonded". And yet we have in some sense never even "met" -- in a twentieth or nineteenth century way. And while the fact that we physically cannot touch or kiss at such a distance is troubling, it also feels strangely right (and good), for now, that we cannot.

River

08-11-2011, 02:06 PM

Another "phone date". More than two hours on the phone last night! Lovely, wonderful, as always. We never tire of talking with one another, that's for damn sure.

Happy, happy.

evrchanging

08-11-2011, 06:11 PM

Lovely to see you so in love.

River

08-16-2011, 03:22 AM

Love swallows my words, my ideas....

Love, gently, tenderly consumes.

Love is beyond all imaginings, an opening into the unknown,

to which there can only be "allowing," "amazement," "wonder," "surrender"....

only without these thoughts, without these words.

To love is to live; to live is to love. To come alive.

There is no "love," but only love ... "beyond," and "moreso".

Love is stars, is Earth, is embodyment -- all in quotes.

Love is bigger than love, is more than itself, myself, ourselves....

Love is the truth. All in quotes. Unthinkable. Bigger, more....

I want to just shut up about it.

River

08-17-2011, 08:02 PM

Another telephone mediated get-together with Faraway Sweetie last night. As before, we seem to have talked for a couple of hours.

She is now without any doubt the closest female friend I've ever had, and ranks up there in sharing topmost position with any friend or love, past or present. This may seem crazy to some, given that we've not been together f2f. Some small part of me wonders if we (for it isn't just me!) indeed are crazy--crazy squared. [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vS8GKcl9KQ ] Surely any rational person would wait until there's been lots of f2f before declaring love. Oh well, there's no putting the cat back in the bag, the horses back in the barn, or reversing the haircut once cut.

On the phone she expressed wonder at being the "Faraway Sweetie" she reads about in here. (One of these days she might comment on this blog.) I'm also living in wonderment. As I told her, I'm just not used to the sorts of expressions of appreciation she constantly hands me. We're both wondering "Could this be me he/she is talking about?" Well, we each are, in fact, that person. We each have those qualities so much appreciated. But we're the shadowy parts, too, and so much else. She sometimes has me confused with some angelic being. (I'm going to disabuse you of this, Darling! I am more like the child of a Devil and an Angel. My wings are tattered and worn, with featherless patches.)

But it is clear that she does love me, even in this tattered condition, and that I love her in hers. (Well, her tatters are so cute!)

We have a remarkable friendship. People will sometimes talk as if there is friendship and then "something more," but this language doesn't work for me. I'd be no less fully in love with her if our relationship never became fully sexual/romantic. And if it does, which it likely will (and I want it to, eventually), we'll be the closest of new friends moving into and exploring this together.

"river song" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKZBDeamZPU

River

08-17-2011, 10:18 PM

I just received an email from a forum participant who has forgotten her login info here and was perhaps too blissed out to post in the forum anyway. She gave me words of encouragement, saying that she'd gone a stage further--in f2f land--down the same trail as the one I and Faraway Sweetie (FS) are on, and it turned out much, much better than anyone could have expected, despite the usual warnings about virtual/telephone LDRs.

At least I know I'll be happy regardless of how it turns out with FS, but I think we're going to be
(no, already are!) another success story. She rocks my world, whatever becomes of it.

bella123456

08-19-2011, 11:57 PM

I'm back ! :)

Yes, I'll add my thoughts of LDRs here for the moment and then maybe in another thread. I've been in a LDR for 3 months now, Internet based (3 hours of online talk per day)...and with phone calls every few days. We've both had people around us saying "oh, but you've not met face to face...how do you know?"

Well, there's something very reassuring about trusting your own feelings

We are also talking about extremes in terms of LDRs - Europe and Australia !! Factor in time differences...language differences..there's a whole lot of complexity here. But, actually the feelings are very, very simple - Love, support, encouragement, joy, happiness...I could go on forever :)

So we did meet face to face..We both jumped on a plane to Asia. Yeap - Deep End..Somewhere neither of us had been, somewhere with no-one we knew...nowhere to hide, no back up plans.
And, I knew it would be good, I also have a very good imagination but as it turns out...my imagination was not strong enough to imagine just how good it would be...Yay, yay, yay..

On my final day...Well, we decided to extend my stay. I couldn't change my ticket home though..
So, obviously...Just had to buy a new one !

Go River - Trust my friend, I know you do...

River

08-22-2011, 01:49 AM

Thanks, Bella!

Just arriving home after a very, very challenging time at "the Gathering". Not in a mood to tell the story right now, and may not share it here at all.

Love you all. I know you missed me, as I missed you. Blessings all around! Hugs and kisses.

River

08-22-2011, 11:50 PM

I'm so happy I can openly and fearlessly "check out" men and women when out walking, or in the grocery store or restaraunt... with my guy (man, boyfriend, partner...). It was cute moments ago when we were grocery shopping together and I turned to connect the face with the rear end of the woman that caught my eye. He looked at me and smiled broadly and laughed lightly. He thinks its a little funny that his boyfriend is now checking out women about as often as he checks out the guys.

We had a great lovemaking session today, after several days apart. Instead of the Hollywood cigarette following the fireworks we just held each other and gazed smilingly into one another's eyes, like new lovers, only fifteen+ years in.

Ahhhh. Life is so good.

River

08-24-2011, 01:17 AM

Another lovely two hour long phone date with FarawaySweetie this afternoon. One of these days we'll have to light candles on our respective tables and toast with some good wine!

Alternatively, we could have a brunch date and whine about our burnt toast.:D

River

08-25-2011, 02:14 AM

Praise be for the pain of love!
The way the seed breaks open and flowers shortly.
The wash of flood!
The breaking finally free.
And still there is the pain of love.
Its growing pains.
Not so final, after all.
Praise for the pain of love.
For the joy and the pain of love.

River

08-25-2011, 02:32 AM

Coming to the end of the trail that goes always forward, dips into the unknown, darkness and mud, rain.... Smiles, searching, searchless, songs and poems and moons and crickets.... It becomes possible to realize these bodily sensations we call pain as the reaching they have always been, reaching from the known into the Mystery. Mystery which sings Welcome. Mystery, which has room for it all, which Welcomes it all.

River

08-25-2011, 07:45 PM

I've just had a very rough patch. Let us just say that this guy I had thought was a friend has treated me -- repeatedly -- with extraordinary unkindness and insensitivity. That would be the one I called "long lost love". We went to a queer men's gathering together. I won't tell the details here, but I will welcome kind and loving / comforting words. I'll recover. The emotional pain was so severe that I had physical pain because of it. And, no, I was not hoping for "romance" with him. I was hoping for a human connection, some warmth, some tender presence.... Overall, I got none of that. Indeed, he kept brushing me off for More Important Things/Persons, and to an extreme. Long story I shall not tell here.

At least I'm making lemonade from all of these lemons! And this all helped me to appreciate the people in my life who really are true friends and loves--especially Kevin and "FarawaySweetie" -- whom I just spent time with on the phone. She's such a joy!

bella123456

08-26-2011, 08:03 AM

That does sound difficult. You certainly do not deserve unkindness or insensitvity. The exact opposite I would think..

I hope you are starting to feel better...I really do. These episodes can leave bruises which take a little time, so you need to be extra kind to yourself whilst the bruises heal. Sometimes it is the case that people struggle with connection...I think that can often be based on issues around vulnerability. Well, their loss..

So keep surrounding yourself with the people that carry and bring joy...
Warmth from here :)

River

08-26-2011, 03:35 PM

Thanks, Bella!

AnnabelMore

08-26-2011, 03:47 PM

Just remember, he acted that way not because of a problem with you but because of a problem with him. If you keep reminding yourself of that, sometimes compassion can replace the pain. Not to take him off the hook, of course, just to reframe things.

River

08-26-2011, 04:57 PM

Thanks, Annabel!

Rarechild

08-26-2011, 06:45 PM

River,

You are beautiful. I'm sad to hear you weren't treated well by your friend, but I'm glad that you choose to look to the love in your life in this situation, instead of being blinded to it by disappointment. You are a rare gem and I appreciate your soul and the sharing of it with us, as always.

Press on, brother, like only you can.
-R

River

08-26-2011, 07:56 PM

Thanks RC!

River

08-28-2011, 03:13 PM

My two Sweeties talked at length on the phone last night, obviously enjoying one another's company. This after exchanging emails a while.

Now they are growing their own friendship, independent of me.

Happy, happy.:)

Edit: 12:28 -- Lovedrunk. Drugged on love.

nycindie

08-28-2011, 09:07 PM

Happy for you. Like a river, River, just keep on flowing!

River

08-29-2011, 02:54 AM

:) Will do, thanks!

... and she says our first kiss will be on the tip of my nose! Gotta love her.

nycindie

08-29-2011, 03:45 AM

... and she says our first kiss will be on the tip of my nose!

Now, that is the stuff of romance! If you're not swooning, I will swoon for you!

River

08-29-2011, 09:49 PM

Girls!

(& doncha give me crap for saying 'girls' and not 'women' -- i know! jeeze. you can throw out a 'boys' now and then; you get a pass.)

River

09-13-2011, 06:46 PM

It was on a day when Joe discovered that the threading on the mayo jar was backwards that he finally had to ask, Am I dreaming? The whole week had been like that. Come to think of it, all of life had been like that. Things just weren't quite right. They were a little off. Take the girl with the Jello on the sidwalk who recited Laurie Anderson lyrics, if that's what they are. Take the way the moon appeared just a little too large on the horizon.

And there was the way people would agree to meet at such and such a time and such and such a place and yet they would not. And it wasn't just Jan, Joe, Ron, Bob, Joy, nor any other people with three letter first names. It was also four letter and five letter named people. They too were a little off. The moon and the dates were off, and most of all it was just off, the way the Great World Machine ate people for lunch, for dinner, for breakfast. The way it fogged their heads and smogged their hearts. And pretty soon they are calling death and destruction by the name: progress. Success. Forward momentum, growth....

You've been asleep, Joe. Joe, wake up. Joe you are dreaming. Joe, JOE! Joe, it's a nightmare. It's a dream!

neegoola

09-15-2011, 08:07 PM

:-)

River

09-15-2011, 08:26 PM

i can see It! i can clearly see Ireland from here! ooohhh, dear River, now everything is so...amusing and fine and lovely and...wait, i HAVE to cry!!!

thousand and one hugs to your heart!

Perhaps Neegoola will erase that post, now that I've asked her to in a private message, since she asked.... Well, you see, I wrote a post I later found silly. And she found it wonderful and lovely. Yet I erased it. But now she wants to cry and ... now everything is so...amusing and fine and lovely.

River

09-16-2011, 09:24 PM

" ... now everything is so...amusing and fine and lovely ... "

And so familiar, and so strange ...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=102488&postcount=168

River

09-17-2011, 06:40 PM

Faraway Sweetie and I just had another phone conversation / date. We talked about how nice it will be to soon be able to be in physical proximity, to share activities like cooking, eating, drawing, meditating.... I said what I always do, "Anything with you". I'd like to do most anything with her. It is the with her part ... I'd even go shoe shopping for her shoes with her, I would. And I'd enjoy it, because I'd be with her.

There was lots of warmth and laughter.

I'm researching trains and buses and fares. (I prefer ground travel.)

I've edited out the R rated part.

nycindie

09-17-2011, 06:58 PM

Faraway Sweetie and I just had another phone conversation / date. We talked about how nice it will be to soon be able to be in physical proximity, to share activities like cooking, eating, drawing, meditating.... I'm researching trains and buses and fares.
:) Gosh, remember when the day you would be able to see her seemed so far away?

River

09-17-2011, 07:07 PM

:) Gosh, remember when the day you would be able to see her seemed so far away?

Uhhuh. And I also remember thinking of waiting for spring (due to the recent divorce and The Slippery Slope Theory...).

Well, it does have a steep incline. I've seen it. And it is slick. But I've bought some special anti-slick shoes! And I have some special, iron underwear equipped with padlocks. Fashionable!:D

Question is, which one of us keeps or hides the keys?

JuliaGay

09-18-2011, 05:17 PM

I said what I always do, "Anything with you". I'd like to do most anything with her. It is the with her part ... I'd even go shoe shopping for her shoes with her, I would. And I'd enjoy it, because I'd be with her.

I get it, River. :) That's it EXACTLY for me. My long distance ex used to ask me what I wanted to do when I went to visit him. And I would answer "be with you." He wanted to plan elaborate outings and I just wanted to be together.

I love the sense of anticipation and desire you have.

JG

neegoola

09-19-2011, 01:00 PM

My long distance ex used to ask me what I wanted to do when I went to visit him.
could it be that he was asking you:
"what do you like doing?"

JuliaGay

09-19-2011, 02:52 PM

could it be that he was asking you:
"what do you like doing?"

In the beginning, maybe. But we were together 12 years...by year, say, 3, you'd think he would have gotten a clue. :)

JG

neegoola

09-19-2011, 06:17 PM

In the beginning, maybe. But we were together 12 years..
JG

ooohhhhhmmmmyyyyy!!!
;)
farewell he..

hi river, it has been a pleasure spamming a bit here at your fire-place :-)
hugs!

River

09-19-2011, 07:01 PM

Another phone date moments ago. What joy it is to talk with her! We're so at ease and happy with one another. It's magical! We never run out of things to talk about. Comfort and warmth and ease...(!). And happy, light joy.

We have plans to go see the Grand Canyon together in spring, she, Kevin, me and some of our friends. Stopping at Chaco Canyon on the way to camp near some famous anasazi ruins. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaco_Culture_National_Historical_Park

I figger it's okay for she and I to share our own little tent, since Kevin sees so much of me most of the time, and I so little of her. Or we can flip flop the sleeping arrangements on differing nights.

We'll be able to lay under the stars together! Yay!

Initial visit coming soon in her neck of the woods. I'm amazed how relaxed this is and is becoming. Shouldn't I be nervous? Amazingly, I'm not.

River

09-22-2011, 01:19 PM

I'm amazed how comfortable I've become with FS. Earlier on I had some anxiety about this and that in relation to her, and it seems mostly to have fallen away, revealing great comfort and ease, warm affectionate tenderness, slow gentle joy.

We've spent hours and hours on the phone together lately, and each time it is as if time disappears. Two hours can feel like twenty minutes. And how is it possible for us not to run out of fun things to talk about?

I'm 99.9 % convinced that we'll be just as good together up close, only a lot better 'cause we can then touch one another and share all kinds of up-close experiences. It's remarkable how at ease I am about this massive, amazing event in my life! She's amazing. We're amazing. Life is amazing.

Magdlyn

09-24-2011, 01:49 PM

...how is it possible for us not to run out of fun things to talk about?

Well, you've only known her a few months. I'd hope you'd still have plenty to talk about. Heck, even my ex and I, after 33 years together, never ran out of interesting things to talk about. And of course, miss pixi and I live in each others' back pockets, going on 3 years now, and she still continually delights, entertains, surprises and inspires me.

"Only boring people are bored," as the saying goes.

River

09-24-2011, 03:12 PM

Well, you've only known her a few months. I'd hope you'd still have plenty to talk about.

Well, we've done a whole lot of talking! -- on the phone & by email. Simply tons of it.

This is in striking contrast with Kevin, who has never been a big talker. He's "low verbal," as I call it. It's not that we don't talk, Kevin & I. It's just that he's much less talkative than I am. It's just his style. And over the years I have learned how to appreciate extended periods of being together with him without needing to fill silence up with words. And this has been good for me! But in recent time I've been wanting a deeply intimate relationship with another "high verbal" type, like myself. Then FS & I met (here in this forum). And the rest is history, as they say.

There is a quality to the talking between FS and myself which is pretty unique in my life at this time. We talk really, really well together -- better, in various ways, than with any of my other friends. We're both really quite interested in one another, and in one another's well-being and happiness.... We're both enthusiastic about what we have between us. It's just really, really good. I feel that I've hit the Cosmic Jackpot with her. And, Dangitall!, she seems to feel the same about me. It's weird!

===

I'm considering flying rather than taking the train and then the bus.... It's cheaper and less complicated. But I haven't been in one of them aluminum birds in a very long time. And they scare me a little. I mean, it's Up In The Air!

River

09-25-2011, 05:56 PM

Ever since I was a child I've been fascinated by pinhole cameras. These are lensless cameras, which is part of why they have always fascinated me--for they sound like wingless birds, don't they? That can't fly! But they do. Well, you can take a picture with a lensless camera. All you need is a leetle tiny pin hole where the lens should otherwise be. The first such cameras, called "camera obscuras" were the world's first cameras--though they did not make photographs. You would, instead, enter into the camera obscura and observe the image of the outside world right there on the dark wall of the inside world.

As a poet, this stuff really turns me on--for my world is languaged in metaphors. My inside world is populated with them!

I've decided to become a kid again. I'm finally going to make myself a pinhole camera. Soon, here, you can view images of my inside world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinhole_camera

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camera_Obscura

http://www.withoutlenses.com

.

bella123456

09-26-2011, 03:20 AM

I made a pinhole camera with my son once. What fun ! Enjoy !

Magdlyn

09-26-2011, 10:56 AM

There is a quality to the talking between FS and myself which is pretty unique in my life at this time. We talk really, really well together -- better, in various ways, than with any of my other friends. We're both really quite interested in one another, and in one another's well-being and happiness.... We're both enthusiastic about what we have between us. It's just really, really good. I feel that I've hit the Cosmic Jackpot with her. And, Dangitall!, she seems to feel the same about me. It's weird!

Well, I am glad she offers a contrast to Kevin. I'm happy for you, and glad you're going to see her soon. Personally I am in favor of people that like to talk, can express themselves well... and are also good listeners. :)

I'm considering flying rather than taking the train and then the bus.... It's cheaper and less complicated. But I haven't been in one of them aluminum birds in a very long time. And they scare me a little. I mean, it's Up In The Air!

Xanax is your friend. Phobias suck.

River

09-27-2011, 01:53 PM

Well, I am glad she offers a contrast to Kevin. I'm happy for you, and glad you're going to see her soon. Personally I am in favor of people that like to talk, can express themselves well... and are also good listeners. :)

Kevin is as Kevin is, and I love him very much. He's a keeper. I can appreciate both of my sweeties for being just who and what they are. And, yes, I'm happy
that FS likes to talk and listen.

Xanax is your friend. Phobias suck.

My anxiety about flying is far below the level of a phobia, thank goodness. It's pretty mild stuff, really. I prefer being on the ground, that's all. But if flying is less expensive than a train / bus combo trip, I'll go with the plane.

nycindie

09-27-2011, 05:08 PM

I've decided to become a kid again. I'm finally going to make myself a pinhole camera.

I always wanted to do that, too! I've also always wanted a Holga or Diana plastic camera just for light-leaky fun! Photography has always been a love of mine, but I never went and did these things. You can make a pinhole camera out of an oatmeal box! The sad thing is, nowadays there are so few places left to just buy film. And I think you would need medium or large format film, or however it comes just one at a time, for it. Hopefully you can find it, and also a place or a friend to develop it. I look forward to seeing your results!

River

09-28-2011, 02:35 PM

Nycindie,

Oh, Cool! You too should make yourself a pinhole camera, and we can both share our results with one another! That would be a blast.

I've heard -- and read -- about the oatmeal box cameras, etc., but my plan is a little more "sophisticated". I'm looking at very precise plans (with all the math applied) for a simple but attractive hardwood box pinhole camera. I think it was in Fine Woodworking magazine that I saw one set of plans. (Can't post commercial URLs here, so Google if desired.)

One really, really cool thing about pinhole photography is that it has INFINITE depth of field -- which means I can set up artistic near-camera scenes (similar to "still lifes", but more like artistic creations) and have real, non-constructed landscapes behind, all in focus.

Most of the pinhole photos I've seen were in black and white, but color works just as well.

This is gonna be fun!

Weird tid-bit. Turns out New Mexico (my digs) is the world's center for pinhole photography. The world's only magazine devoted to pinhole photography was based here, and its publishers still maintain a web site which sells the back issues, books, equipment, etc. I think there have been gallery shows round here focussing on pinhole, too. (No pun intended.)

nycindie

09-28-2011, 10:19 PM

I think I might have seen that magazine years ago. I recall reading some articles on how to build one, like the one you want to make. I also used to subscribe to several other photography magazines -- until I let go of my magazine addiction.

Minxxa

09-29-2011, 02:39 PM

That sounds so cool! :)

I did have a pinhole camera when I was a kid... don't remember why that happened, probably something my stepdad decided would be fun. LOL.

I love photography, but have no time in my life for that hobby right now. I took photojournalism in college and loved it-- used to spend 10 hours on Saturdays in the darkroom developing film and printing pics. I wasn't that great at it, but it was FUN. :)

That's funny that your city has such a history with pinhole cameras that you didn't even know about. And convenient! :)

River

09-29-2011, 04:41 PM

Back, for now, to our regularly scheduled programming.

I'm just here now to say this.: My Boyfriend Is So Cool!

I'm so damn lucky to have Kevin as my partner, best friend, lover, snuggle buddy, activity partner....

He's so supportive and so not jealous and so not in any way making my exploration of love with other/s difficult or problematic.

It could easily have been otherwise, but Kevin is Kevin and I'm just so freaking lucky about that!

River

10-03-2011, 09:37 PM

I said "best friend" in my last post and I think I should explain. I can have multiple best friends. My best friends are those I call "best friend". They are not ranked in relation to one another. They are just the best -- or, rather, the ones I favor most highly and spend the most time with.

... So, I was out camping and hiking with Kevin & I just kept saying stuff like "Oh, [Faraway Sweetheart's name] would just LOVE this!" -- about a landscape, wildflowers, wildlife.... And then I'd catch myself at it and say (to Kevin), "Yeah, I know ... and if I were with her I'd be talking the same way about you (Kevin)."

All of this takes some getting used to.

nycindie

10-04-2011, 01:41 AM

River, do you live anywhere near Ghost Ranch in Abiquiu? Someday I plan on taking a workshop or retreat there. I've long wanted to see NM, and to go to Ghost Ranch, maybe take a painting class where Georgia O'Keeffe felt so inspired.

River

10-04-2011, 01:50 AM

Yup, them's just up the road a piece. Just give me a holler when you're comin' my way and you're invited to the bar-bq.

River

11-14-2011, 06:10 PM

Hello, Friends!

No, I have not died. Rather, I got sucked deep into the swirling vortex of Occupy Santa Fe, one of those local arms of Occupy Wall Street, a solidarity movement. I worked my tail off each day desperately trying to help our occupation encampment to survive and thrive. It did okay for a while, but doesn't seem to have very good legs at this point. It was basically abandoned by those who created it. We OSF activists simply failed to sufficiently outnumber the crazies, lazies and problematic (drunk, psychotic) folks. It has been very messy and trying. And now I have my life back, for I've let go of the whole damn thing.

>Hugs!<

dingedheart

11-14-2011, 06:57 PM

Hey River welcome back,

Just curious what was the point of occupy Wall street , and subsequently occupy Santa Fe???

River

11-14-2011, 07:22 PM

Different folks have different answers to this question, but most all of the answers point to a basic fact.: America is not a democratic country, and we're tired of pretending that it is. We have corporatism, instead -- a.k.a., fascism, plutocracy, oligarchy....

Simply put, America runs on the golden rule.: Those with the gold make the rules, and run the "election" processes and political parties..., etc. And the media, the "news"....

So, ultimately, I saw OSF and OWS as a grass roots pro-democracy movement. That's the purpose I served these last few weeks. But I think we're failing. Maybe a few more woke up from the Disneyland smoke and mirrors? Hmmm?

Coffee? Tea?

nycindie

11-14-2011, 07:31 PM

OWS (and its offshoots) is failing because of the hypocritical slackers who joined them and are drumming and shitting in the streets, over half of which I am certain do not vote in every local and national election, have never written to a government official, and probably don't have a basic understanding of how economy and capitalism work. There they are, protesting big business while spreading the word on their little pieces of technology, decrying capitalism while mourning the death of Steve Jobs, a billionaire capitalist. Changes need to take place, but the movement shot itself in both feet and now the country views them as a bunch of unwashed hyper-leftist losers.

/end soapbox

Glad you're back, River. I've missed you and was wondering where you were. I thought maybe you had taken a cross-country trip to see a certain someone...

River

11-14-2011, 07:38 PM

Hi, nycindie!

Oh, no, ... but I'm going to go see her real soon! I got caught up in "the movement" which delayed everything ... since I have a crucial -- and needed -- skill set to offer OSF. But my skills weren't enough, alas, to prevent the "occupation" from failing our stated purpose. It degenerated into a homeless shelter, soup kitchen and daycare facility for dysfunctional adult children. Our unions and peace organizations and progressive orgs... failed to chip in. But, hey, we made the front page, above the fold! >sigh<

>hugs<

Oh, and I learned a lot! A whole lot! Intensive education program! I even have a cell phone now! >sigh<:eek:

http://www.alternet.org/story/153060/the_tactic_of_occupation_and_the_movement_of_the_9 9?page=1

.

River

11-14-2011, 08:02 PM

Nycindie,

R.e., " ... drumming and shitting in the streets ... "

===

"In this epic battle over values and ideas, our opponents have already mounted a sophisticated public relations offensive to nail down the floating signifier and negatively brand the emerging movement. They are attempting to caricaturize, stereotype and “otherize” the most visible actors—the occupiers—in order to inoculate more Americans from identifying with “the 99%” and keep them from joining the movement." (from the above link)

===

(Me again): It is true that various Occupy encampments have filled up with messy, even disturbing, people -- drunks, crazies, lazies.... But they have also been filled with passionate and intelligent people of the most admirable kind. Though too few of those percentage wise here in Santa Fe. We in SF needed to outnumber our drunks and crazies ten to one, at least -- and failed to do so.

MonoVCPHG

11-14-2011, 09:43 PM

AnnabelMore

11-15-2011, 03:54 AM

River, thank you for your support of the movement. I'm not ready to become an occupier myself (I'm changing the system from the inside :)), but I so appreciate the fact that the corporations and government in our country have been put on notice that our citizenry will only take so much greed and disregard for the common people.

dingedheart

11-15-2011, 02:28 PM

River,

All the people I've talked to who have participated in these "occupy encampments "about 5....41/2 really....all said , after a bit of probing, that the salaries and bonuses of wall street traders and hedge fund managers was what they objected to. Then they added the high cost of education and health care, global warming, etc. .

In Santa Fe what did you and your fellow occupies want changed?

What do the NY protesters want changed.?

River

11-15-2011, 03:37 PM

In Santa Fe what did you and your fellow occupies want changed?

What do the NY protesters want changed.?

I thought I answered this already. We want democracy instead of corporate and monied interest rule. We may point out a thousand different symptoms of plutocracy, but that's the underlying theme. It's really very simple.

dingedheart

11-15-2011, 05:43 PM

Yes you did say that ...I was thinking of actual specific and detailed suggestions. Something more than down with corporate greed.

I don't think the movement had a very unified message....among the occupiers. Because if that was the goal why talk about the salaries or bonuses of people on wall street, cost of education, etc, etc....

Why wasn't the protest be in DC forcing changes in the election laws? Why not protest 528 million dollars wasted on a solar company? or the GM bailout or all the other bailouts?

Why not protest the politicians who take corporate money? or awarded wasteful contracts.

Did you have guest speakers or politicians rotate through? Did you get direction from Ny or some other rally?

Do you have candidates that your local movement supports...are they affiliated with either of the major parties.?

Thanks D

River

11-16-2011, 05:39 PM

Do you have candidates that your local movement supports...are they affiliated with either of the major parties.?

Thanks D

D,

The Occupy Movement is broad and diverse and "leaderless" (or all or many are leaders). No one speaks for the movement, though General Assemblies in various cities/towns do speak in a unified voice.

That said, I'd say that most of us who hit the streets under the Occupy banner did so with the conviction that our political system is fundamentally broken, including, of course the two dominant and hegemonic political parties which Ralph Nader aptly calls "the duopoly" (the corporate parties).

We hit the streets mainly in a desperate plea to the general public to wake the fuck up already. We did not hit the streets with a narrow and specific set of end goals -- other than true democracy in the USA.

Sure, we carried signs asking for this that and the other thing. I suggest you
examine these signs for the underlying message, rooted in an underlying cause. Otherwise, we will be a complete mystery to you.

River

11-16-2011, 05:52 PM

Now back to polyamory....

I delayed going to spend face-to-face and skin-to-skin time with Faraway Sweetie because I got caught up in a grassroots revolutionary pro-democracy movement. (Sorry, Sweet, you know I had to do it!) But I'm now free to travel and will be heading up to be with my Very Dear One right after Thanksgiving. We will have known one another about six months.

Pretty much everything about my relationship with FS is entirely uncharted territory for me. She's a woman, and I've had little experience with women as romantic, loverly partners. And she lives far, far away. And we've developed an intensely intimate friendship over great distance ... by emails and phone. And I'm in love with her, anyway. Have been for a while. Most of these six months, really. It's strange. It may be crazy. I dunno. But it is how I feel.

I almost backed away. Almost, sort of almost. I got caught up in the fear of not having her around for long spells, a condition created by economics and twelve hundred miles. Yesterday evening I felt as if my soul were a rope in a tug of war.

Fear lost.

Love won.

dingedheart

11-17-2011, 04:10 PM

Sorry I couldn't play yesterday I was busy running my little company.
I looked at the signs, down with corporate greed, we are the 99%, repeal the patriot act, foreclosures suck , end the Cuban blockade. I asked direct questions of people carrying the signs and I got slogans back. I asked you who spent weeks camped in it 5-6 direct questions and I got ....some pseudo intellectual bs on government structures and a suggestion I look at the underlying cause. OK how is ending the Cuban blockade, or the patriot going to change corporate salaries or stop foreclosures. I think you're ready for political office ...your going to make a great politician .... here's another tough question, have you declared your candidacy yet. I hope you remember your poly friends once you get in office.

Are you people against all big corporations or just a select few? I saw a lot of people looking down, and playing with their gadgets ...is big telecom, ATT, Verizon part of the hit list ...will they become targets down the road. What about the makers of those devices ... all big corporations. What about the salaries and bonuses of those corporations....Why aren't you going after pro athletes, NASCAR Drivers , TV, and movie industry people ....Why not picket Oprah, Hanks, Beckham... or Sunday afternoons set up outside football stadiums...have people do google searches on players compensation packages....."that guy is clearly not worth that" ..."quick give me a crayon" ...down with number 42 and his high priced agent. Yes fuck the Jerry Maguires of the world...leaches all of them. Now there's a target rich environment...Agents....great idea right...your welcome. All agent should be taxed at a much higher rate(%) ? ...I'll leave that up you...you're the politician now but make it hurt. Thanks

Why not get rid of the TSA I hate all the bs at the airports? "Down with the TSA" " Down with the TSA" .....Sure people will die....but its a risk I'm willing to take and live with.

River

11-17-2011, 05:25 PM

I asked you who spent weeks camped in it 5-6 direct questions and I got ....some pseudo intellectual bs on government structures and a suggestion I look at the underlying cause.

DG,

Sorry, but my time is limited and I can't always answer five or six questions which require a lot of contextualizing. When I replied, I gave as much time as I had to your questions.

Because you have responded to what I could give at that moment by calling my words "pseudo intellectual bs," I am very disinclined to try further to explain my views on this matter.

I am a very genuine intellectual. An honest one. And my views on the topic at hand are honest, and well considered. Forgive me for not being able to hand you my unwritten book of essays. And don't expect me to reply to you again without having first received an apology.

dingedheart

11-17-2011, 06:21 PM

Clearly you didn't want to have this discussion ...your answers and comments speak for themselves ...Not much of an advocate ...too busy to spread the word for the cause....use your blog to fight the good honesty fight for the common man ...the 99. What about my TSA idea? Could you at least past that along at the next meeting/planning session. I'll even donate markers( not sharpies they're a big corporation....which is bad ) generic ones....from china.

I 'm rethinking your bid for public office I'm not sure you're ready ...might be little too thin skinned. Plutocracy, do you know where that came from?

bella123456

11-17-2011, 10:45 PM

Hey River :)

I'll quickly jump straight over the banal blah blah above and say - Lovely to hear from you...You are very inspiring and I wish you all the best for your upcoming visit...

I'm so, so, excited and happy for you !!

River

11-22-2011, 09:19 PM

Something unexpected happened. Faraway Sweetie and I have decided to be friends without the romantic part -- platonic friends. This we did, because I let it be known that I'm really not able to be happily in love with someone who lives twelve hundred miles away, whom I'd realistically only see for briefish occasional visits, perhaps two or three times a year. With phone calls and emails.

There are other details of our transition, but this is the key one. You see, initially, we had reason to believe we could spend much more time together, even sharing a geographical proximity. This no longer seems to be forthcoming, or even possible -- for year after year.

One of her greatest fears in the world is hurting people, and especially those she loves.
I want her to understand that I do not believe she has hurt me. Nor have I hurt me. We are each innocent and beautiful and extraordinary in our love for one another. And while it is not that she hurt me, this situation does hurt. A lot. I miss what I thought we were likely to be together. A lot.

I love you so much, Faraway Sweetie. Please don't think that you caused this pain. You have not. But I promised to be honest with you as much as humanly possible, and I can't pretend that I do not hurt about the transition our love is taking.

I'll call ... soon.

I love you!

SNeacail

11-22-2011, 09:44 PM

Hugs!

opalescent

11-22-2011, 10:08 PM

I'm sorry River. I know how impossible long distance relationships can be.

bella123456

11-23-2011, 01:14 AM

One of the things polyamory involves (well, for me)...is accepting and cherishing love in your life, with the form of the love being secondary to the love itself.

You share beautiful love with faraway sweetie...and yes, love sometimes hurts.

My thoughts are with you

River

11-23-2011, 04:45 PM

Thanks, y'all!

River

05-05-2012, 08:19 PM

Hello, y'all!

("Y'all" is actually Texan lingo, and I'm in New Mexico, but I can say it anyway!--even though I've only passed thorugh Texas a couple of times)

I guess my vacation from here is over for the time being. So I wanted to say "hi" and give yaal a nice big hug. >hug<

nycindie

05-05-2012, 08:23 PM

Welcome back, River! I have thought of you many times and wondered how you are doing. Good to see your username pop up in "New Posts" and looking forward to reading more of your perspectives on things again. That is, if you feel like sharing your wisdom... :D

River

05-05-2012, 08:33 PM

Hi, NYCindie! >slightly loud cheek smooch<

Wise? Ha! I'm a wise ass. You know that.

My only kernal of wisdom is ... "Don't be too afraid to be a little bit nuts."

"Nuts" here is interchangable with: weird, odd, different, freaky, risk-taking, risk avoiding, ... or normal, conventional, standard issue.

No, scratch all of that. Replace all of those with "yourself".

That's it. And even I can't do that! So I'm a wise ass instead.

River

12-19-2012, 09:11 PM

Update / What I'm thinking and dreaming about...

First, there's the expert on Arctic sea ice, who says the Arctic sea ice will be all melted in summer within FOUR years. Reading this news was -- emotionally -- sort of like getting struck by a Mac truck. I'm still pondering the implications and letting it settle into consciousness. It's just too much.

I think we should all abandon the fossil fuel world as soon as possible, and that means a radical transformation of our way of life.

I think we can have a good quality of life with a vastly smaller dependency and use of fossil fuels, but doing so requires a serious reconsideration of all kinds of basic things. It also requires cooperation, collaboration, organizing.... But I will not put a lot of stock in "the political process". The necessary changes won't be primarily political / governmental in nature. The lead needs to arise from within a small -- but growing! -- minority.

This is a global emergency, folks.

===

Dreams ...

I've been dreaming about the touch of women. Erotic touch. It has been SO long! Way too long.