Touch

[redpepper]

There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?

[Ariakas]

There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?

I was about to say, its all based on instinct for me. The people who are cuddly are cuddly. Sex usually comes naturally, you can feel it, I have never had to negotiate sex.

BUT...I have one friend who I am very close with, I love her as a dear friend, and she is very non cuddly. We usually ask each other if we want to hug or cuddle. There is no expectation either way except for permission.

So I guess I currently base, most of the time, touch on instinct but I am aware of people individual choice on personal space :)

[MonoVCPHG]

I'll hug almost anyone to say hello and good bye. I'll cuddle children but no other adult besides Lilo. I just don't like sharing my energy with people through touch..especially in a cuddling sense. I also don't want anyone who isn't my Lover to share their energy with me through any form of touch other than a hug hello and a hug good bye...I will give hugs for emotional support to those I care about though.

I'm pretty hands off.

Touch is a tricky subject though. I never questioned touch in my monogamous relationships..it was such an automatic awareness of what was ok and what wasn't. Poly is sooo gray :rolleyes:

[SourGirl]

Good Subject.

I am very hands-off to people I don`t know. I did not like strangers touching me when I was pregnant, nor even family and friends touching my belly when I was pregnant. I`m slightly irritated if someone I don`t know, in a social situation, puts their hands on me to move past me, rather then just asking me to move.

However I don`t tend to stew over things that others don`t know or understand.
If it is truly harmless, I don`t say a word....but If someone touches me that hasn`t spoke to me beforehand, as a come-on, I am not pleased.


Now that I sound like a total prude,.... :)


I am fine with hugs hello, and good-bye from people I have good first impressions with, or obviously likeable people I know socially, family, and friends.

Cuddling would be for romantic interests only.(Outside of my kids and husband,... I could hug and cuddle forever !) I very much try and do cuddling at a level that feels compatable to both of us cuddling. My amount of cuddling is very mood oriented, but however my fellow cuddlers feel is very cool with me. I find I am very understandable to various amounts in different individuals.

Long as it isn`t overkill. I don`t care to be mauled.

I could not do the 'group hug' scenario, or community cuddling type of stuff. Ever. Not even to appease. lol

[booklady78]

I love hugs :D
My family was typically very affectionate growing up, so I'm used to hugs and kisses. I wouldn't say I hug everyone, but there are few friends that I don't hug now and then.

Holding hands, touching, hugs, etc. with my guys is very important to me.
More intimate touching is something that I never realized I really valued until I met my boyfriend. He's very affectionate, gentle, touching is a big part of our relationship. I didn't realize until about a year ago how much I liked it and wanted more of it from my husband. He's affectionate too, it's just sometimes you don't know what you're missing until it's gone or you get it :P

[LovingRadiance]

I'm a very touchy feely person-but not with people I don't know AND TRUST.

I will hug hello and goodbye-like Mon.

I do NOT like people touching me when I'm pregnant without MY EXPRESS permission. That flat ticks me OFF.

I hug, kiss, cuddle and love on the kids all of the time.

I like to hug and snuggle with my guys.

I'm comfortable with my Em and my baby sister and my brother hugging, snuggling, sticking my feet in their lap or vice versa.

I'll hold hands with someone in pain or need and with my guys or my kids.

:rolleyes:

[rpcrazy]

I pretty much want cuddlez from everyone I love, or have feelings for. It makes me sad because this is not the case. Sometimes when I connect with what people write on here I feel like if they were near me i would totally give them a hug. And not a whimpy hug, but a caring full hug attached with lingering hands.

I don't know...i wish more people for affection sluts like me :/

[SayYes]

RP, I'm pretty much the same way. I'm not very touchy-feely until I'm pretty close to someone, but once I am, I'm a super cuddly person, with both friends and lovers. Even when I was monogamous, my husband always knew that there was no way I would ever give up snuggling with my friends, male and female. I just really like that physical closeness with those I care about.

[redpepper]

Thanks for all the responses thus far. I'm more interested in hearing how it works with different partners rather than your particular preferences. How do your partners and you deal with various levels of touching and acceptance of touching between others?

[MonoVCPHG]

I guess you could just use the, "how do I think my partner would feel if they saw me" rule. Knowing your partner, try to imagine what they would be feeling if they were watching you with some one else. How would they react? How would you act differently if they were witnessing it? Would you be as close? Maybe it's just better if they don't see or know it if it obviously doesn't cross boundaries. Some people would be very sensitive to something that wouldn't phase you.

[SayYes]

Do you mean within each relationship, or more like scenarios when everyone is in the same room?

My boyfriend and I are the kind of couple that's really physically affectionate out in public and whatnot. We're always holding hands, standing around with our arms around each other, etc. My husband and I tend to be more the snuggle on the couch at home type, without as much of the touchy-feely when we're out in the world, though I've noticed myself being a lot more affectionate with him at those times lately, too.

When we're all hanging out together, I'm not cuddly with either of them. I would love to someday be able to all curl up on the couch together, but we're just not there yet and that's okay. They've certainly both seen me hug and quick-peck the other, but that's about it.

As for their physical touchiness with other people, I know my boyfriend is snuggly with friends when I'm not around, and that's just fine by me. My husband isn't so much the type who would be cuddly with anyone he wasn't dating, and at the moment he isn't seeing anyone. But it wouldn't bother me if he did have other people in his life he was affectionate with. We have some mutual friends who we both pile on the couch with, and it doesn't bother me at all to see him cuddle with a close girl friend of ours.

[Ariakas]

Pengrah has no problems with my touching. I am a touchy person and enjoy snuggling with people I care for. I don't walk around looking for cuddle parties but if it feels right, there is never a problem whether it be with friend or lover.

PEngrah is...grabby which I think freaks more people out than my snuggling. Picked up many bad habits working in a kitchen. hahaha

When we had a partner collectively, we would all snuggle, or individually, kind of depended on the room itself. ummm thats usually how other things started :)

Is this more what you are thinking RP?

[solarwindsfly]

I am very open to many about my background. In responce to this I say it varies. I was molested as a child and went through a rough time. I remember wanting to be hugged and held and being afraid of it too. It has affected me a lot in relationships. I say this because I know I am not the only one. I think for me a poly relationship has translated into safety for me. If I do not want to be touched I have my own room and can go there and not be touched or intimate for long periods of time. Other times however I will want this and my partners for the most part understand. Sex is another thing I struggle with. THere are certain things that I will not do at all. I also like that we have a word that indicates I need to stop. I consider this "special needs" like others have hearing issues or crutches. The poly lifestyle has given me the space and the sanctuary to explore and to heal safely. I am trusting more each day and hopefully in time I will have a better view of myself and those things like touch and sex. :)

[redpepper]

Again, thanks for all the replies. I don't have any particular hang ups with this one. I just find it interesting in the context of poly relationships.

I have a very touchy nature. When I met LR and Maca from the forum this spring the first thing I did was run into maca's arms and then LR's (I hope they were okay with that). I wear my heart on my sleeve always. I can't help it. I am an open book. I love to give of myself in physical ways quite often. At work I always have in coming hugs and kisses from clients and love that kind of attention and giving in return (be rest assured the hugs are only given at work in return).

What I have noticed however is that I have a limit. I sometimes come home and am touched out. I find it hard to regain energy to give to my loves sometimes and often need to take some space. Sometimes they see that as my having an issue with something as touch is the first to go when I do. I become unable to touch someone I am struggling with.

I use touch as a gauge quite often in assessing where I am at with someone. I seem to struggle sometimes with Mono's apprehension about my touching others. I find I struggle with mono rules around touching quite often. I'm not sure if Mono's concerns are because he is mono or not?... Hmmm?...

The concern is things like cuddle parties or sitting too close to people that could have a crush on me. Its getting better, but has been a struggle. I don't even want to approach my longer than average hugs with my friend. I don't know what he thinks of that.

I guess I like to feel peoples energy. Feel their life force. I am super aware of stuff like that and crave it from those I am close to or want to be close to. I'm very intuitive. Its how I communicate and figure out stuff with them. It goes beyond words.

My tersiary is not a toucher, he gives me hugs when I ask but whinces and is awkward. One of the reasons we could never be more than intimate friends is for this reason. I don't know how to read that or what to do with it. I find half of my ability to communcucate is gone.

Derby and I touch often. Just a hand on the arm, I move her hair away from her eye, a quick hug or kiss. She seems to be like me in a lot of ways around touch. Just these simple gestures make a huge difference to feeling like we are okay and connected. I wonder what she thinks when we are all together and I am touching all my loves? I know its weird for me to see her touched by others.

Nerdist and I don't communicate often through touch. He is more of a starer. He will stare at me for long periods of time in order to figure out what is going on for me. Visual touch. The thing with that is that I get annoyed and he reads that as annoyed about stuff I'm not annoyed with. I'm annoyed that he is staring.

I suspect when he sees Mono and I lovin each other up he gets jealous sometimes. I am far more affectionate with Mono than nerdist. I don't remember being overly affectionate with nerdist since we had a child that globbed on to me from the moment I birthed him. I think its so important for primary relationships to keep on top of touching. Its so easy to go into "married mode" and forget to slow down and spend a moment with one another without talking about kid stuff, scheduling and what's for dinner. Guilty as charged with that one. We do a lot of bed cuddling and joking around though. That's something I suppose.

[MonoVCPHG]

The concern is things like cuddle parties or sitting too close to people that could have a crush on me. Its getting better, but has been a struggle. I don't even want to approach my longer than average hugs with my friend. I don't know what he thinks of that.

.

I have a DADT on longer than usual hugs with your non-sexual boyfriend LOL! I can only envision the cuddling on your dates....but I don't cause it weirds me out...just don't let me see it k? I'm becoming a fan of "what I don't know can't hurt me " you just have to be good at it :) In all honesty things have already changed with respect to you guys but it isn't life altering, just me altering and is my thing to work through.

Cuddle parties....*sigh*...it's hard to accept something that my daughter engages in as mature behavior....I know it's judgement but that's just how I feel.

[Ariakas]

Nerdist and I don't communicate often through touch. He is more of a starer. He will stare at me for long periods of time in order to figure out what is going on for me. Visual touch. The thing with that is that I get annoyed and he reads that as annoyed about stuff I'm not annoyed with. I'm annoyed that he is staring.

I have to say this made me chuckle rp. I have a friend like this and it is...weird. I almost find it more invading then being touched.

I use touch as a gauge quite often in assessing where I am at with someone. I seem to struggle sometimes with Mono's apprehension about my touching others. I find I struggle with mono rules around touching quite often. I'm not sure if Mono's concerns are because he is mono or not?... Hmmm?...

I would be curious as well.

However i don't think it can be strictly a mono thing. I have mono friends who really creep me out with how touchy they are, and I am a touchy person :o...I think this is one of those, "take what it is from the individual" situations.

[MonoVCPHG]

I have to say this made me chuckle rp. I have a friend like this and it is...weird. I almost find it more invading then being touched.



I would be curious as well.

.

I have had touchy mono friends as well Ariakas LOL! Some people like to communicate with almost everyone within thier intimate zone...usually 18 inch range to be specific. They weird me out too. The bulk of my social circle before I met Redpepper (36 years approximately) was much different in many ways. Our relationships were enjoyable but there was little energy exchange. Hugs were just hugs....we didn't cuddle. The people I have come to know in our community now are much more inclined to physical touch. But there is more than touch involved..there is an energy exchange because everyone seems to willingly let thiers out and accepts that of others. I enjoy being with people who have compatable energy but don't like sharing all types. I find much of the energy in the poly community to be too intimate for me (not necessarily sexual, but too close). I am very specific who I want intimate energy from and who I want to share mine with.

In short though..I think some mono's (read me specifially) are soo mono they don't need or want the touch of others, which means it's hard for us to understand that need/want in others....we simply don't get it...errrr I don't:o

[MonoVCPHG]

Cuddle parties....*sigh*...it's hard to accept something that my daughter engages in as mature behavior....I know it's judgement but that's just how I feel.

You know what...I have been looking at this comment and perhaps the only way I'll ever understand is to just go to one...only women around me though...I may be mono but I'm still hetero and there's nothing wrong with "inadvertently" copping a feel is there?...unless Nerdist is there..we have a special bond.

I'm kidding...but about what part?! Aha! You'll never know.

[Ariakas]

Well mono when we meet, I am a fan of personal space. I don't intend to invade anyones space I am not intimate with

I should say this is also partially cultural. Certain euro countries have virtually no personal space. I used to easily misconstrue someones friendly gesture for sexual advance. Its amazing to meet other people from other places and realize how different everything is...

[MonoVCPHG]

Well mono when we meet, I am a fan of personal space. I don't intend to invade anyones space I am not intimate with



Aww I got a hug saved for my friend. No picking me up and shaking me around though...I'm small but wiry ;) And I guarantee you Redpepper will be sorely disappointed if you don't give her a huge hug!

[Ariakas]

You know what...I have been looking at this comment and perhaps the only way I'll ever understand is to just go to one...only women around me though...I may be mono but I'm still hetero and there's nothing wrong with "inadvertently" copping a feel is there?...unless Nerdist is there..we have a special bond.

I'm kidding...but about what part?! Aha! You'll never know.

I have to agree with you on this one. And as far as I know "accident" is fine, but there are usually pretty strict rules about touching (ironic imo)...

I have thought of trying to go to one, but cuddling is something intimate for me. Well at least the type of cuddling I have seen on the documentaries about cuddling parties :)

[MonoVCPHG]

Well at least the type of cuddling I have seen on the documentaries about cuddling parties :)


I will never watch that LOL! Not liking the sounds of that at all...I'll stick to being a hands off prick :rolleyes:

[Ariakas]

Aww I got a hug saved for my friend. No picking me up and shaking me around though...I'm small but wiry ;) And I guarantee you Redpepper will be sorely disappointed if you don't give her a huge hug!

How in the hell did you know I hug by picking people up and shaking them around haha...(ps i do do that, I love giving bear hugs)

I have a hug saved for anyone who wants it (Rp that includes you ;) :) ). But I am very aware of personal space, once I feel awkwardness I pull my energy back.

[Ariakas]

I will never watch that LOL! Not liking the sounds of that at all...I'll stick to being a hands off prick :rolleyes:

From what I saw it was 20 people spooning...I only spoon for one reason :o one of thsoe things...

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5276206n

There are more detailed ones haha

[MonoVCPHG]

From what I saw it was 20 people spooning...I only spoon for one reason :o one of thsoe things...

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5276206n

There are more detailed ones haha

I'm not even opening it...my energy is so finicky you wouldn't believe it. It's a candle that burns with intense heat but can be interupted by the slightest breeze. No need to fan this flame unless it is really important :o

[redpepper]

It won't be my awkwardness you feel in a bear hug AK... It will be Mono's. Apparently if you bear hug me behind his back he won't mind! :D ;) just teasing. :)

[Ariakas]

I am poly so I don't cheat, I would have to hug you and then tell him the details :D

[MonoVCPHG]

I am poly so I don't cheat, I would have to hug you and then tell him the details :D

Oh gawd...what did I start...DADTH. Don't Ask Don't Tell Hugs.
Knowledge is power but oblivion is bliss..plug me back in Morpheus I meant to take the blue pill ;)

[Breathesgirl]

Cuddle parties....*sigh*...it's hard to accept something that my daughter engages in as mature behavior....I know it's judgement but that's just how I feel.

Who said we have to ALWAYS act mature?

Kids have the right idea though. If they don't feel well, what do they want? A hug to help them feel better.

Breathes is a VERY touchy feely person, unfortunately he's also got a lot of nervous energy which translates into scratching (which I love) and rubbing (usually the same spot over & over again until it's sore).

I very much need personal space, mostly for my own mental health.

I love hugs and cuddles but only when I'm in the mood. For me it's mostly just needing to feel the closeness with someone.

Agggg, need a nap and not making much sense.

[Magdlyn]

... hands off prick :rolleyes:

heh. How about hands on prick? :p

So... Mono is OK :cool: w Redpepper having sex with him, her husband Nerdist, and her gf Derby, but not so cool with her having long intimate hugs w a "bf" she is in a "non-sexual" relationship with? Why? Are you afraid that those hugs w this "bf" will lead to more, ie: sex with yet one more person? :eek:

It is interesting to see you 2 work on your relationship out here on the public board, hashing out issues you apparently haven't dealt with one on one irl.

DADT is a non-poly coping strategy. I get you mean it in jest, but I feel some discomfort around RP's intimacy boundaries there.

[MonoVCPHG]

Are you afraid that those hugs w this "bf" will lead to more, ie: sex with yet one more person? :eek:

It is interesting to see you 2 work on your relationship out here on the public board, hashing out issues you apparently haven't dealt with one on one irl.

DADT is a non-poly coping strategy. I get you mean it in jest, but I feel some discomfort around RP's intimacy boundaries there.

Ultimately I come from a background of not sharing physical intimacy (in an adult sense) with anyone but your partner...just a background thing. And yes sex with one more guy would be an issue as I am not interested in a relationship that is open in that way. Take me or leave me, there's no shackle around her ankle LOL! I actually don't have a large issue with her drawn out hugs with her non-sexual boyfriend and the intimacy they have. Do I want to see them cuddling...nope. You are right that I worry about physical closeness leading to more desire to move into the sexual realm. It's like teasing yourself I find. That being said, I would never hold her back from anything, but will also not put myself into an unhealthy situation. I can change the communication of my love for her so that anything she wants is possible from my perspective.

As time goes on I find myself more inclined towards, out of sight out of mind for things that although, not real big issues, do cause me to withdrawl from her. They enjoy their together time and I enjoy being cool with that.

I don't want to cope with everything because some things aren't worth it for me, they aren't big deals and only serve to ruin the time I have with her.

We generally do discuss things in person first but the forum is a good place to share and delve deeper into topics.

As unpopular as some of my opinions around sex are, yes, I do see a lessening of value in the sex I have with someone who has multiple partners. Therefore, the more partners added the less value I associate with it. That's being honest as un-poly as that sounds. But I am not poly.

Anyone who has seriously collected comics or stamps or sports cards or even RPG game cards understands the value of low circulation editions. The Death of Superman was a great story and I eagerly borrowed it from a friend to read. I didn't invest in it however, because everyone else did and despite being a great story it was ultimately worthless. This is a very specific opinion of how I feel...I own it.


How's that for an early morning analogy?

I will now find my fire retardent blanket and wait for the heat:)

[Derbylicious]

I will hug pretty much anyone but I only cuddle those I am very comfortable with. I don't really like to be touched a whole lot by people I don't know very and who I haven't built some trust will. It feels a little like an invasion of my space. I think I tend to tense up if I am touched for too long by people I'm not comfortable with. I could be involved in a cuddle party if I got to invite everyone that was there otherwise I probably wouldn't go. :o

-Derby

[MonoVCPHG]

I could be involved in a cuddle party if I got to invite everyone that was there otherwise I probably wouldn't go. :o

-Derby

I could invite myself! Wait now..I have solo cuddle parties every night....nothing special about that:p

[Derbylicious]

I could invite myself! Wait now..I have solo cuddle parties every night....nothing special about that:p

"solo cuddle parties" huh? Is that what they're calling it these days? ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

"solo cuddle parties" huh? Is that what they're calling it these days? ;)

Happy ending solo-cuddles :o

[bettybaker]

Very slightly off-topic, I heard once that one way you can tell whether or not another person is a hugger is by offering them a hug, and then seeing whether they squeeze back or pat you. If they pat you lightly, they're probably not so into the hugging. I've found that useful.

As far as negotiating the levels of touch between/among partners, I figure that (beyond deploying safer sex practices agreement--that I moderate) everything else will happen as feels organic and appropriate for the given relationships. I don't try to moderate how much my sweethearts cuddle or nuzzle their other sweethearts, whether in front of me or out of sight.

One thing I did do was tell my sweetheart's secondary that when we all three ride in the car, I ride shotgun. I told her it was irrational and silly of me, but that somehow I needed it, and she was beyond nice about it.

[redpepper]

One thing I did do was tell my sweetheart's secondary that when we all three ride in the car, I ride shotgun. I told her it was irrational and silly of me, but that somehow I needed it, and she was beyond nice about it.

I totally get this. We all have our things that make us feel grounded and secure. For me it's being the driver or at least being the one who decides who drives. It makes me feel secure and grounded. No one in my tribe minds that I make that decision for everyone... in fact at work I require the same boundary.

I see this being the same for Mono and his quirks around touch and sexuality. He is not coming from the same place as Nerdist and I or from Derby and my tersiary and non intmate friends even... he is our diversity. If I am someone who is proud to respect others diversity then I need to keep that in mind.

It took some mourning and conflict within himself and us to be okay with that. I am fine with it. I see it as a part of who he is and I do everything I can to respect that and keep up to date with how he is doing with things. It's just a part of our relationship. To me it is nothing more than the idiosyncrasies I have around who is driving and the fact that bettybaker likes to drive shot gun. It's no biggy and can be worked through.

I know it sounds like a crazy situation to some. I mean why the hell would I want to stay with someone who makes such demands and seemingly asserts ultimatums.... it does seem like an ultimatum I realize... that Mono will become less of a love to me and more of a friend than he is now if I don't follow his rules around things... I get that. But I don't mind them and don't feel I am being trapped. He has expressed who he is and needs to stay true to that in order to feel safe and secure in our relationship. His boundaries seem to be my freedom at the moment. I had an open sex life, I need containment now and he offers it too me. It does wonders for our D/s life in that I get to punish him for his demands. :D heh. (does that make me a switch?!:eek:)

On another note: everything that Mono and I talk about on here (and others) is pretty much come from hours of talking. None of what we say is coming out of the blue. That doesn't mean that we have all our shit worked out before voicing it on here.... but we talk about everything constantly. Before and after posting. I'm sure this is not big news as I'm sure others do that too, but I try my hardest not to post stuff without having gotten through some of what is going on for us first...so it isn't raw and out of the blue.

This thread has been helpful in that I thought we had covered everything off with the topic of "touch." Turns out we hadn't. Almost every thread brings new things to the surface or at least reminds us of how we have grown and where we are at....

Sure there is stuff that will never change, but I have noticed huge changes in Mono because of the stuff people write about on this forum... I am so grateful as I never would of been able to convince him that I am not crazy and that people actually think differently than him... just his knowing that I think eases his mind and has helped him understand himself and set his own boundaries about stuff.... fluid boundaries for the most part, but ones that haven't blown us a part.

When we realized that if other people can make boundaries that are their own then we can too, we started doing so. Unique to us and diverse from a typical poly situation. Mono/poly relationships are not typical poly ones. They are a different kettle of fish and are as diverse as poly is to mainstream culture... one has to be willing to sign up for that diversity going in. Just like some people would not consider going out with someone who is too different from them, some poly people would not/should not consider going out with someone who is mono... I hope our being on this forum has brought that to light.

That being said, I firmly think that if it weren't for this forum we would not be together. It has kept us together and kept us working towards a sustainable future. I can't express how grateful I am.. :)

Thanks for looking out for me Magdlyn. You are awesome and brave to challenge Mono and his values. I like that you help keep us real and appreciate it.... don't think that this post indicates we had it all figured out all along... we don't and keep at it.

[MonoVCPHG]

No one should stay in a relationship where they have to exert control over themselves based on some one else's criteria to invest in them (commonly referred to as boundaries). They should find some one who better fits them. It's not that difficult a concept.

[Breathesgirl]

Now maybe I can make a little more sense???? I hope any way.

I DO require personal space. I have aural issues so the more noise the less comfortable I am in the space sooooooooooo cuddles are generally reserved for home or other places I can be comfortable and contol thenoise level.

There are only certain people I'll cuddle with but I think that has more to do with the fact there are few people who come here. Hugs I'll give to just about anyone who wants them.

I would LOVE to be part of a cuddle party though :). As long as the noise level is very low I'll be fine, lol.

[Lost421]

I love hugs, and if I've met someone once, I'll hug them the second time. If it's someone who I know likes hugs, I'll hug them the first time! Then there's always the lingering hugs between me and certain of my friends who will remain unnamed and that's kind of a grey area in between hugging and cuddling and I'm not sure what that means emotionally but I'm not going to try to unpack that one at the moment. Sometimes I'm comfortable with the lingering hugs and sometimes I'm not, and a couple of my friends like the lingering hugs and I'm not as into it, but there's a couple of my friends whom I love the lingering hugs with. Really depends on my mood. Cuddling I reserve with my SO and anyone I am romantically involved with; I've never just cuddled any of my friends but I am open to the idea, I'm a very touchy person and I communicate better with touch than with words. I know K (my SO) and M (her boyfriend) cuddle and that's cool with me. I'm glad they can take that comfort in each other. I've never seen them cuddling, but I'm guessing that's more because M feels uncomfortable around me :( than anything else. I don't really think it would bug me, except then who do I get to cuddle with :( I don't like unsolicited hugs from people I don't know unless I know someone that they also know, or unless they are giving off good vibes. K knows I cuddle with any other person I am dating at the time if the relationship gets to that point, she's cool with that. Sex is of course reserved for K and any person I may consider a partner/girlfriend/love interest who is interested and a relationship progresses to that point, and K's cool with that too. I'm cool with K and M having sex, I used to feel weird about it but I don't anymore. K and I actually have conversations about the sex we have had with other people and can learn from it and incorporate it into our own sex life. I don't see the intimacy that K and I have being somehow diminished by the sex she and M have, but that's just me.

I absolutely despise being patted or touched in a way that feels patronizing or overbearing or disingenuous... Grrrrr!

R

[Morningglory629]

That being said, I would never hold her back from anything, but will also not put myself into an unhealthy situation. I can change the communication of my love for her so that anything she wants is possible from my perspective.

As time goes on I find myself more inclined towards, out of sight out of mind for things that although, not real big issues, do cause me to withdrawl from her. They enjoy their together time and I enjoy being cool with that.

I don't want to cope with everything because some things aren't worth it for me, they aren't big deals and only serve to ruin the time I have with her.


I will now find my fire retardent blanket and wait for the heat:)

You sound like my husband on this one! No heat...that is your perogative.;)

[MonoVCPHG]

Well he sounds like a great guy!

[Morningglory629]

He is! No tats tho!!!!:D

[MonoVCPHG]

He is! No tats tho!!!!:D

My skin is my lifes story board. I get to share my story with everyone I meet without actually telling them anything.

[Elliott]

My relationships are with people of different romantic and sexual orientations and also very different levels of touchiness (if that's even a word).

My fiance H is asexual. I'm not. So one of the first boundaries we set up was that sex between the two of us was never going to happen. It doesn't happen and i'm fortunate enough not to want to have sex with them anyway. I know from other people that things would be a lot more awkward if I did want to have sex with them.

My other partners are sexual. One, C, has expressed interest in sharing sex with me but not yet. I'm waiting patiently as choosing to have sex with someone is not a decision to be undertaken lightly. E and I share sex and have negotiated what we are and aren't comfortable doing with each other.

Where our boundaries differ most is kissing. H will only do closed mouthed kissing. C will only kiss me if I ask for each individual kiss and she prefers closed mouth kissing but will do other kinds of kissing if she feels okay with it at the time. E has a preference for closed mouthed kissing but is willing to do more opened mouthed kissing and kissing with tongues with me since I explained how much I enjoy it. Her preference was just a preference, not a boundary but because I got with H and C first I had slipped into assuming that it was a boundary and that all kissing had to be carefully asked for.
E enjoys kissing me and doesn't need to be asked. Both E and H now will initiate kissing :)


Cuddles. We're all pretty cuddly except C but she's getting more receptive to me holding her as I get more aware of her need for me to tell her what I'm doing.

I'm fortunate that all my partners are okay seeing me being intimate with another partner :) Though E (who thinks she may actually be mono) still sometimes feels awkward being too intimate around H. Because H is my first partner, and my fiance, all the other partners I've had since (C, E and a lovely boy I'm no longer with) have needed time to get used to the idea that H is fine seeing me with other people.

H has just informed me that they feel a bit embarassed and like they are "in the way" when I'm being romantic with someone else. I guess this stems from them seeming to have been brought up with the belief that they are always in the way. We'll have to see what we can do to work on that.

[jkelly]

I'm more interested in hearing how it works with different partners rather than your particular preferences. How do your partners and you deal with various levels of touching and acceptance of touching between others?

If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affectionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.

[SayYes]

If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affactionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.

See, I approach these concerns in a fairly opposite manner. I have some friends who I know aren't really comfortable yet seeing me be affectionate with my boyfriend, but I totally refuse to modify my behavior on their account. They know the situation, and they're just going to have to get used to it. If I was making someone uncomfortable with the *level* of physical affection I was displaying--with anyone--I would try to tone that down (or go somewhere more private :p). But when I'm behaving in totally normal, socially acceptable ways, and the only reason anyone would be bothered is because it's not my husband, I don't feel like their discomfort is my problem.

On the other hand, I do find it perfectly reasonable to tone things down when another partner is present. I don't think that not wanting to actually *see* your partner behave that way with someone else automatically means that you secretly have a discomfort with the whole situation. My husband is well aware of how affectionate my boyfriend and I are when he's not around, but it would make him uncomfortable if we were like that when the three of us are hanging out, and I completely respect that. Maybe someday we'll be in a place where physical affection comes more naturally when we're all together. But right now, I'm thrilled that my husband is totally happy with me having a boyfriend, and that we can all spend time together and get along. I'm not going to lose any sleep over not being able to cuddle up on the couch while we're all in the same room.

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, my gf has met 3 of my lovers, once or twice each... I did touch them around her, but not super sexually.

Except for the time she and I had a 3way w one of them... :p and that went fine. She enjoyed seeing me be sexual with him, and she got some action as well. I'd kinda like to do that again. With him, or another of my boys.

[redpepper]

As a result of discussions related to Redpepper's Touch thread, I found out that she was experiencing awkwardness in showing affection to Derbylicious. Although a little surprised I was glad to find this out. We were heading out for a night of Burlesque and dancing with Derby and she came over to Redpepper's house before we left. I got to talk to both of them about this. They are in a relationship that not only makes them happy but makes me happy as well. As I prefer to get right to the point at times, I simply told them they need to let go of this. While I don't want to see them having sex LOL, I do expect them to be able and comfortable to show affection whenever they want (most guys would love to see them have sex I'm sure....they're damn sexy!) We then went out to the show and sat on a couch with Redpepper in the middle. Me and Derby held her hands and cuddled her up and then all enjoyed some dancing. It was fun, natural and healthy. Yet again communication has enriched all of our lives :)

thought I would add this from the "sharing success and happiness" thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197&page=57) as it is relevant here also.

[MonoVCPHG]

thought I would add this from the "sharing success and happiness" thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197&page=57) as it is relevant here also.

Thanks Lilo:)

[Propast]

Personally, I've always been like a puppy with my (past, mono) lovers. Touch is very meaningful and reassuring to me, either just a hand touching her or me, or a leg pressed together, or leaning together. In my Vee, we cuddle up on the couch when things are going well, to talk or just watch a movie. Even though i'm not the center of attention, it still satisfies this desire well.

Sadly I am very awkward, overly self-conscious of crossing this boundary with non-lovers. Occasionally I see friends who do it casually and easily and I always value it and wish I could do it. I wish I could just reach out and touch a shoulder or an arm more easily, or pile onto the couch next to a friend.

I don't enjoy it when the other two in my Vee have long lingering goodbye kisses, while I just wait around on the corner for her to come with me. Not that I'm jealous so much, just awkward and don't know what to do with myself. They've learned to keep it shorter, and I'm thankful.

It's not a problem for any of us though, when sitting around in the kitchen, to show affection, get a hug and a kiss, rub shoulders or feet, etc.


Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affectionate with someone other than my partner.

We have noticed this problem as well, and have mostly learned to turn off the affection around some friends. We've also turned off the three-way cuddle/affection, such as kissing with her in the middle at a party or walking arm-in-arm-in-arm on the street, unless we're in a pretty comfortable safe place. Which is too bad, because it really makes S glow.

[jkelly]

I have some friends who I know aren't really comfortable yet seeing me be affectionate with my boyfriend, but I totally refuse to modify my behavior on their account. They know the situation, and they're just going to have to get used to it.

...when I'm behaving in totally normal, socially acceptable ways, and the only reason anyone would be bothered is because it's not my husband, I don't feel like their discomfort is my problem.

I agree that the problem is with the people who act weird about something that isn't hurting them in any way, but I guess I think of it as a problem for us, since we then have people acting weird, which isn't fun.

We have noticed this problem as well, and have mostly learned to turn off the affection around some friends. We've also turned off the three-way cuddle/affection, such as kissing with her in the middle at a party or walking arm-in-arm-in-arm on the street, unless we're in a pretty comfortable safe place. Which is too bad, because it really makes S glow.

Propast, how bad was the disapproval you were getting? Do you think it's always best to just be as... non-demonstrative as the most easily bothered person in the room would like you to be? I'm curious how other people deal with this.

[marksbabygirl]

I am all about touch. I love the connection.

Having said that - I don't like rejection and I don't like to put someone ELSE in an uncomfortable situation - so rather than reach out and touch someone I"m not 100% familiar with or aware of their touch boundaries - I will hold back rather than reaching forward. Once I know THEIR boundaries - I'm all over it. Its finding those boundaries that can be awkward.

And then there was last night. 6 people in a hot tub - touch happened - and happened frequently. I had my feet up on one person while I was snuggled up to another. It was great.

I will hug just about anyone, anytime. I love hugs.

Jane

[Propast]

Propast, how bad was the disapproval you were getting? Do you think it's always best to just be as... non-demonstrative as the most easily bothered person in the room would like you to be? I'm curious how other people deal with this.

Hi JKelly,
I think HappiestManAlive captures most of it pretty well in another thread:


... When we all go out together, there is this THING. The Hugh Heffner effect. Even my close freinds say "Dude - you're THE MAN. I wish I could be you" kinda stuff. I hate it, because that's not at all what it's about. Frankly, the ego boosting side of the image makes me uncomfortable. I just want to spend time with my girls and enjoy our amazing interconnections.
...
And then there's the odd perceptions and comments and missives directed their way. Moving past the sometimes funny 'working girls' image, once people are aware that we're all together and in a real relationship, they just can't help themselves. People will pull one of us aside and say things that nobody in their right mind would say to a complete stranger or barely aquainted person about their relationship! The nerve of some of these people! The girls hear about how they're being taken advantage of, how wrong this is, how they're being used, and much worse. And the way these people react when the girls argue their side - astounding! Anger more often than you'd think, almost always some form of indignation at the least. Judgement almost without exception.


In other words, it's just not fun to deal with some side effects. One example, D's friends were a bit pleasantly shocked in our early days at a party where it became clear what was happening, to them he's always been a "mild mannered guy". And hey, Dutch people are down with weird stuff, right? So that was fun. But when they later realized it's a long term relationship instead of just a drunken fling they didn't really know what to do with it, and that's when we started to tone it down.

Similarly in public places, it's a bit like the Dutch attitude towards gays, or BDSM, or anything that doesn't fit their mold: they officially are okay with it, but they just don't actually want to KNOW about it. Hence in a very glbt friendly country, I see fewer gays holding hands than I'm used to in America.

[catbird]

There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?There isn't any universality about human sex. One relationship can't be compared to another. People adhere to rules or conventions only as they choose to. Seems like people most often want two things: reassurance that the other loves them, and to prove to the other that they are loved in return. You should always expect that the other will have differences, sometimes huge ones, because they are a different person. Maybe I'm missing the question here? :)

[redpepper]

There isn't any universality about human sex. One relationship can't be compared to another. People adhere to rules or conventions only as they choose to. Seems like people most often want two things: reassurance that the other loves them, and to prove to the other that they are loved in return. You should always expect that the other will have differences, sometimes huge ones, because they are a different person. Maybe I'm missing the question here? :)

well, you kind of are, but you made me think about the book "the five love languages" and how touch is one of the five ways people need to feel loved or express love. Gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and time are the other four... according to the book.

some need touch above others and also need to give touch. What does one do in a relationship if ones partner is uncomfortable about touch when you are in need of it or seeing anther partner be touched who feels love through touch more?

This is a tricky one for Mono and I as he has a hard time with how much I like to touch people and flirt. He chooses to close himself off and not look sometimes... or not hear about it. He thinks I don't touch others around me on purpose so as to not upset him and there are time I have done that, but lately I like the balance that has been created by his just not looking. Not that I touch more, but feel better about not hurting him when I do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually :confused: :eek: Is that healthy I wonder?

[MonoVCPHG]

It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually :confused: :eek: Is that healthy I wonder?

Ahh, we'll figure it out :)...jeez, what do you do when I am not looking ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

Is that healthy I wonder?

If I think about this in relation to when I used to box as a teen, my mother knew I was routinely getting punched in the head and only came to see one match. It disturbed her but she knew it didn't cross any safety "boundaries" so she was just happy not to see it. I didn't force her to see it either or pressure her to come to matches. I didn't have a problem not boxing when she was around LOL!

[redpepper]

You found me out! I'm getting punched in the head when you aren't around! HA! :P

(oh it late, stupid joke time)

[MonoVCPHG]

You found me out! I'm getting punched in the head when you aren't around! HA! :P

(oh it late, stupid joke time)

HAHA!! You are one kinky woman with yer gettin punched in the head and all..:p

[catbird]

well, you kind of are, but you made me think about the book "the five love languages" and how touch is one of the five ways people need to feel loved or express love. Gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and time are the other four... according to the book.

some need touch above others and also need to give touch. What does one do in a relationship if ones partner is uncomfortable about touch when you are in need of it or seeing anther partner be touched who feels love through touch more?

This is a tricky one for Mono and I as he has a hard time with how much I like to touch people and flirt. He chooses to close himself off and not look sometimes... or not hear about it. He thinks I don't touch others around me on purpose so as to not upset him and there are time I have done that, but lately I like the balance that has been created by his just not looking. Not that I touch more, but feel better about not hurting him when I do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually :confused: :eek: Is that healthy I wonder?
I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.

[MonoVCPHG]

I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.

Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to :)

[redpepper]

Yes please catbird. :)

[gomugirl1656]

Glad I read this. Thanks for bringing it up. My natural level of affection when both spice are around seems ok I am pretty reserved in mixed company anyway but alone with them I am very cuddly to each. Neither of my "boys" have brought it up but maybe now i will to see what they think.

[idealist]

Richard and I recently met another couple. They've been married since high school. We had a nice day and evening with them which ended up in bed. Richard is a very affectionate guy. Early in the date, he was beginning to touch the other woman (I'll call her Gina) and you could tell she loved it. He began to show her a lot of affection which was appropriate at the party. On the other hand, her husband (I'll call him Tom) was not interested in physical affection whatsoever. Gina did confirm to me "that's just how he is"......so anyway....There was a period of about 45 minutes when Gina, Richard and I just snuggled and cuddled in bed together. Hugging, stroking, kissing, saying sweet things to each other etc. Tom wasn't interested. He just sortof sat there...watching us, I guess. Not sure what he was doing, but we enjoyed it sooooo much and so did Gina!! Looking back on the evening, the snuggling was the most enjoyable part of the entire date for me and Richard and we felt good about being able to share that with Gina since she doesn't get to experience that with her husband of 35 years. We are looking forward to and hoping for another "snuggle date" with Gina!!!

[catbird]

Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to :)
Thank you! It's very nice of you to ask my opinions. Seems like the big question here is 'What if one person is big on touch and their lover isn't?' or 'What if one needs words of affirmation and the other isn't so hot on giving them?' or other what ifs where one or both could be better satisfied or gratified.

The book redpepper has talks about these things. It comes down to this: each person speaks his own love language. Necessarily, logically, the chance that his lover will speak the same love language is very small. It is almost always necessary for each lover to learn the other's language. This takes practice and concentration. It doesn't come naturally or easily.

It is very, very worthwhile, though, if both (or all) are willing to work at it, and recognize that it's necessary. Darla and I are having problems with it right now, and I hope we fix them.

[Derbylicious]

I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?

[MonoVCPHG]

Thank you! It's very nice of you to ask my opinions. .

Everyone has experiences to learn from :) Great points!

For Derby, Redpepper has this book and it has a short test to find out what language you speak :)

[catbird]

I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?

I need to be honest, haven't read the whole thing. My household hasn't gotten that far, we are too damn busy.:mad: Fortunately we mean for the best. :)

[immaterial]

Ha, my very first experience with sexual intercourse, when I was 15, was with a 19 year old woman who, while we were fucking, said "don't touch me, don't kiss me, don't look at me." *That* language of love was incredibly confusing to me at the time. Since then I have chalked it up to pathology, but maybe it was just a kink for her, to just be purely fucked and not have any other stimuli. At 15, I hardly even knew what the hell I was doing, let alone how to create a space for someone else.

Anyway, maybe I missed it, but has anyone mentioned massage? I love being in sexual/romantic relationship with women who enjoy exchanging non-erotic massage. It's not cuddling, really, and not goal-oriented sexual either. But it is a form of tactile bonding and healing that I find deeply satisfying. I actually broke it off with a woman who hated giving or receiving non-erotic massage. I missed it too much.

Immaterial

[catbird]

Anyway, maybe I missed it, but has anyone mentioned massage? I love being in sexual/romantic relationship with women who enjoy exchanging non-erotic massage. It's not cuddling, really, and not goal-oriented sexual either. But it is a form of tactile bonding and healing that I find deeply satisfying. I actually broke it off with a woman who hated giving or receiving non-erotic massage. I missed it too much.

ImmaterialI always like having my back done; and my neck; and my toes. And also erotic massage. Oh, what the hell, everything. :rolleyes:

[Confused]

I love touching. Its a huge need for me. I've read the love languages book too, it was one of the first things that made a lightswitch go off in my head about my marriage and how we were each missing the things we did to be loving.

My hubby's main language is acts of service. I never used to appreciate this at all, but he will fill up my car with petrol, even the other day when we were out in seperate cars and I needed to fill up on the way home he followed me there, parked up and jumped out of his car and got to my car fast enough to deal with the pump and pay for the fuel before I could get out. A few years ago I could have interpreted that differently but he did that in front of our friends despite them teasing him. Its not my love language but I've learned to feel his actions as love.

Touch is for me massively important and he has learned to touch me much much more and not stiffen when I need to touch him frequently during the day.

My ex, who I have recently (over the last year) developed an interest in seeing more of, and I have always been cuddly. We've always been 'allowed' to do more cuddling and nonsexual touching than I would with any other man since I met my husband and we all hung out together.

Interestingly having just returned from living in France where its very normal to kiss everyone on the cheek and have close contact on greeting and leaving people, I feel the lack of it in my life. British people in general are awkward about hugs with friends although I have friends who are not of course, I really miss the sense of relaxation and intimacy in the presence of others that I got from those greeting kisses between everyone in the room.

[redpepper]

Hugs hello and goodbye are big here. I wouldn't say its a canadian thing, west coast maybe?, but at least a hand shake with a pat on the shoulder between men is. Women hug hello and some give a kiss on the cheek. I do this. I'm always thrilled to be near people. My parents are British, they are very hands off with people although my mum is an arm toucher. I have that quality too.

[catbird]

Hugs hello and goodbye are big here. I wouldn't say its a canadian thing, west coast maybe?, but at least a hand shake with a pat on the shoulder between men is. Women hug hello and some give a kiss on the cheek. I do this. I'm always thrilled to be near people. My parents are British, they are very hands off with people although my mum is an arm toucher. I have that quality too.I used to know people in Los Angeles who hugged a lot. It's definitely not a custom in Missouri, which I think is too bad.

[EugenePoet]

Interesting thread. In my family close contact was not automatically given -- according to family legend, my paternal grandmother once said "I wish humans could procreate like fish, without touching each other." That's not to say affection was lacking; my parents were very affectionate. But we are word people.

Since then I've found a deep affinity for touch -- I want to rub those shoulders, smooth the long muscles that go from the base of the spine up to the neck, feel fingers clasping mine. Tactile intelligence and expressiveness. It's great, innit?! But my upbringing makes me feel like I need permission to do that. It's special. I need to know someone is OK with it, and what the role of touch is in that situation: friendly or romantic, casual, comforting, whatever.

If I fight with a lover that's how she'll be able to reconnect: just use those hands. Then the words of reconciliation will come. So important!

[redpepper]

If I fight with a lover that's how she'll be able to reconnect: just use those hands. Then the words of reconciliation will come. So important!

Oh I so agree. Very important. Its like a reminder is needed through energy. Healing hands can be where it starts. That kind of touch works wonders for me when I'm angry.

[Derbylicious]

Oh I so agree. Very important. Its like a reminder is needed through energy. Healing hands can be where it starts. That kind of touch works wonders for me when I'm angry.

It's hard to stay angry when you are being touched.

[Confused]

I totally agree. If hubby and I need to have a serious conversation we've found that sitting at opposite sides of the room makes us more likely to end up arguing over it. If we sit entwined with each others bodies the tone is utterly different and we are much more likely to work together to find a solution rather than ending up in opposition.

[classycaveman]

I totally agree. If hubby and I need to have a serious conversation we've found that sitting at opposite sides of the room makes us more likely to end up arguing over it. If we sit entwined with each others bodies the tone is utterly different and we are much more likely to work together to find a solution rather than ending up in opposition.

I like this.^^^^


Never been a touchy person myself, except in a relationship, then I'm very touchy. I lose sleep because I try to fall asleep cuddling but the cuddling feels so good that it keeps me awake. This kind of thing makes me wonder if I need to incorporate more touch into my everyday life. I've tried to be more of a touchy person with people I have conversations with, a hand on a shoulder or a tap on someone's arm to make a point... that kind of thing. And I love when I need to touch someone to get their attention for some reason (if they're in my way and I need to get by, for example.) I just like having an excuse to touch a complete stranger!

Or when the hot yoga class is packed and you accidentally brush fingers with the cutie next to you while changing poses... Mmm that's a good touch!

[redpepper]

There is nothing more romantic and bonding to me (other than things sexual) than holding hands. I mean really feeling someones hand. experiencing it and loving it as if it is their whole self. The hands are so much the most used part of the body I think. I love treating them tenderly and with love.

took this from another thread but wanted to put it here as a reminder of what touch is all about for me...

also thinking about kissing and massage... oh so much to do!

[Ariakas]

I agree with handholding. Its a big thing for me.

[Confused]

I spent a really lovely time the other evening under orders to massage my husband's feet.
I was so happy. I love that kind of touching, really being able to explore a part of him in such detail.

[Morningglory629]

Love touching- very tactile person...if I am into you I am touching you. Don't care who is watching! Cranky MG if she can't touch her love!!;)

[lamnidae]

I think my little triad follows the rule of being in the other person's shoes. We are all comfortable kissing, hand holding, hugging, snuggling in each others' presence, but we are also aware of the headspace that the other member is in. i.e. If R had a shit day, he may not necessarily feel up to seeing me kiss and cuddle L. He may need to be the center of some snuggle. We save the really in tune, 1 to 1 contact for date nights. I will say though that this issue became much easier once we identified that the underlying feeling of discomfort in watching physical contact was often one of feeling left out or 3rd wheel-ish. We did alot of processing about if that is a true assessment of the situation, or if the reality is that sometimes 2 people need/want to share a cuddle or kiss... and we all value and respect the individual relationships present, so we accept it and appreciate the beauty of being allowed to see the physical evidence of what people feel for each other.

R tends to be a very, very, very snuggly person. He wants to cuddle as often as allowed, and likes to sleep fully draped over someone if allowed to. L is less inclined to snuggle or be touchy feely. In fact, because of this I find that when she does reach out for physical contact it feels very sincere and intimate because it is not an every 2 second thing. I tend to hate excessive physical contact. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I have a mental block that it feels controlling. I like to kiss my partners when I greet them, I like a hand to hold when I'm crying, and I like some post sex intimacy. But, not a fan of 8 hours of spooning and hug fests. Just not my thing. So, we do alot of negotiating with the different touch tolerances in our group.

[MTmozat]

You know, for me, my wife and B we love to touch a lot and there is really no boundaries to touch unless we're under stress or something bad has happened to us, or tired etc. Other than that we really don't mind when one of us touches each other unexpectedly because it turns us on and most importantly, makes us feel wanted. It's what keeps us connected.

[Breathesgirl]

I'm touchy feeling, Breathes is too.

Possibility isn't as touchy but is good with my touching him.

I've discovered over the last month that my need to touch & be touched is very deep seated. When I don't get my touching in I get cranky. In fact when we found out I was going back to days Breathes said "the Cranky Bitch can go away now!" lol

[ray]

I love being touched. It's actually my secondary love language, the first being quality time. I'm kind of picky though, I can get pretty upset if I haven't given some one a green light to come into my personal space and they do anyway. Figuring out touch relationships in our V has been a little challenging. Generally, O and I can cuddle and give hello/goodbye kisses when we're all together. O and A tend to touch a lot more when we're all together and sometimes I feel a little left out. But that has to do with me having a hard time initiating. We talked about it and O said I can feel free to cuddle and what not while we're all together but sometimes I just get so nervous that I'll upset A. Not because A would be likely to be upset, I just come from a dysfunctional family that was emotionally abusive. O and A are pretty relaxed, they're difficult to rile up. :) One reason I like them so much.

[GroundedSpirit]

We're (k-mate) both the type to be touch-feely and it's an interesting thing to us that we have to restrain ourselves from our basic nature with people - especially at first. I think it's because we're both 'givers' more than receivers (which makes for an interesting dynamic between us !).
It seems, from what we've experienced, that almost everyone is ready and even needing, a good, genuine, non-threatening hug ! One that you hold for a minute - not just the guarded quickie type. Male or female-no matter.

But what saddens us - especially me - is that there are so many people carrying so much fear around. Fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability if the shell should develop a crack etc. It's sad.

I see the exchange of energy as a positive thing, but maybe because I have enough to spare ? From that closeness, where I can actually feel you, I learn much and it helps guide me towards what you need most. And I guess it's just a fact that there are really people who'd prefer I don't have that inner knowledge of them. I respect that - but do find it sad. In fact, if I think about it, I'm probably more guarded about my own ......needs.... so by default become a hypocrite? It's the giver thing. I don't want anything from anyone until I determine they have sufficient excess themself to share. If I determine that - the interaction will take whatever direction seems appropriate.

So in regards to how either of us would feel about each other's interaction with anyone else, we're both operating from this understanding. "Give what's needed - don't hold back - except in situations where it would be dangerous - or to mislead. And sometimes we even fail that test and have to do a course correction with others.


Anyway.....that's just us........

GS