Diary of an Alcoholic, Non-Monogamous, Polyamorous Sex Addict

[immaterial]

Figured the title might get some attention. That's what it's all about. Me. haha.

Actually, I hope my tale might be useful to some people out there. I have had about 4 decades of often-painful and consistently confused sexual and relationship history to try to get next to precisely WTF makes me tick. Maybe some will be able to relate to the twists and turns.

Much of my recent, still-limited awareness I owe to intensive 4th step and 5th step work in a 12 step program. I have been working in recovery for a little more than 6 years, and only recently gathered enough "courage" (truthfully, misery) to attempt a searching and fearless sex and relationship inventory. God only knows how I managed to stay sober from alcohol and drugs without one for the past six years, but that's really none of my business.

The rough outlines of such a thorough inventory are very simple. From the Big Book of AA, on the wonderful page 69:

"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-- was it selfish or not?"

How eye-opening to see, gradually, through the process of getting every sexual or intimate relationship down on paper and looking honestly at each one with the aid of another loving, clear-eyed person, that all of my relationships were essentially characterized by selfishness, dishonesty, fear, self-pity, self-delusion and self-seeking. Even when I thought I had "good motives," I was using people to get what I thought I wanted. If it seemed expedient to lie in order to "maintain the peace," so be it. If I risked "losing love" by being honest, screw that! If I risked short-changing myself some sexual thrill or NRE by being honest (to either involved party), again, screw that! (literally).

Cloak all of this nefarious self-serving narcissism in a fine coat of "romantic" and "poetic" love goo, and you see the usual picture of potential for real harm. It's an explosive mix. The more flat out expedient and Machiavellian I have been, the more truly epic my romantic fantasies and "twoo wuv" gobbledygook has been. As Jungians are fond of saying, "the brighter the light, the darker the shadow."

The best I have been able to string together is serial monogamy, but not with any real or clear intention. In fact, the compulsive tendency to form exclusive pair bonds has not been examined much if at all. I still carry some smoldering resentment that I must give over toward the cultural institution of monogamy as a result of my own irresponsible and compulsive codependent behavior. The usual pattern has been to get into a romantic relationship fairly quickly, "fall in love," make implicit or explicit monogamous promises and commitments quickly and then begin to fantasize about sex with other women fairly soon and then get back to looking at and jerking off to porn and eventually, cheat. Or, be cheated on, ironically.

So throw into my mix compulsive sexual acting out behavior that includes masturbating to porn, paying sex workers for sex and hooking up casually with women outside the ostensibly monogamous relationship. It's no real surprise that I am a sex addict, given the simple fact that I am an *everything* addict. It took a while to digest the simple fact that I am powerless over sex, relationships, people, you name it. No surprise, again, as it took me 42 years to admit the same regarding a mere liquid chemical.

The sex addiction has definitely complicated the slowly dawning awareness that I am not interested in exclusive pair bonds. The exclusive dyad is not for me. Honestly, I do enjoy the boundary around the exclusive pair for the first segment of a new relationship. I can see that it provides clarity, safety, focus. I also envision myself being interested in a primary relationship that is at the same time open, both relationally and sexually, to a variety of seconds and thirds. But I have charged forward many times over into exclusive monogamous promises. It is just like the conundrum of the substance addict: "This time it will be different. This time I will successfully manage this monogamy thing. This time, this partner will be the right one. The One." Etc.

The resentment I have toward romantic love is pretty flaming right about now as well. So there's more work to be done there. The ideal of romantic love now seems like a spiritually sick joke to me. I am praying that this disillusionment eventually blossoms into a greater purpose, but for now it is what it is. It just seems to me that romantic love actually has nothing to do with love. Or that it is a tawdry simulacrum of real love. That it has its purpose in drawing me out toward someone, but that it is worth dismissing fairly soon after being drawn out. It reminds me of the Roman semantically depleted Cupid, fat little fucker with a bow. versus the much more potent Eros, primal and potentially fatal.

Anyway, on top of wanting a heart open to Big Love with as many people as come across my path, I also want the possibility of multiple sexual partners. I want to develop this non-monogamy in the freedom of honesty with all people concerned. This feels like one way to heal the shame and guilt based compulsive sexual behavior. In alcoholism, the daily reprieve can only begin with total abstinence, and while I am currently on a "sex vacation," I think the form of abstinence for sex addiction is abstinence from hiding, lying, "cheating." I seem to be guided toward spiritualizing sexuality as a way to relieve it of its burning, compulsive and imperious qualities. The idea of inviting the great reality into sexuality has only recently begun to present itself to me, as my upbringing was characterized by the usual cultural dreariness of shame and guilt surrounding sexuality.

So my choices now are to begin with honesty with myself and others as the constant foundation of all my choices. It has been fascinating to watch my impulses to lie continue to emerge. For example, a woman to whom I am powerfully sexually attracted recently asked me "so are you split up with your girlfriend or what?" My girlfriend and I are separated, but we are still in relationship that is loving and that could in fact open out into a poly and non-monogamous relationship. It was so tempting to say to this woman "Yes, we are," or even to pull that "oh poor me, I am so sad, how brokenhearted I am" bullshit in order to get into her pants! Instead, I did observe this all unfolding in me, and I said "Well, I love her dearly, and we are separated but still figuring things out. I'm non-monogamous and polyamorous, have you heard of this?" The woman was very interested and we ended up having a long conversation about it. I think whatever interest in me she may have had was completely eliminated by the conversation, haha, but at least I kept my side of the street clean.

So that's where things are now. A heart broken open can contain the entire universe. My meditation practice has recently come to incorporate the Brahma Viharas:

May all beings be happy and have the causes of happiness
May all beings be free of suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings never be separated from bliss without suffering
May all beings be in equanimity, free of bias, anger and attachment

I often repeat these in short form through the day:

May I be well
May I be happy
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be full of lovingkindness

For the first person pronoun, specific other people or groups can be substituted or the universal form of "all beings."

I have found these meditations to be releasing and liberating during what has been a heart breaking and emotionally turbulent time.

More to come. :-)

Immaterial

PS: thanks to Idealist for encouraging me to blog! It didn't take much. haha.

[Ariakas]

Thanks for sharing. I think its amazingly honest of you :)...

[immaterial]

Thanks! I have nothing to lose by being honest. I figure the more I just keep spilling the more the universe will direct me on the way home. I can take as many side streets as I like but I'm still going to have to come clean sometime, so why not now?

I spent most of today so far helping my recent long term gf move. Fortunately, she had also hired a moving company. For the past three years, we have lived together in a pretty small house (900 sq. ft.), but she already had a lot of stuff when we moved there. After three years, there's...more. It was fascinating to observe my codependent, rescuing impulses. She had not finished packing completely by the time the movers arrived and was feeling a lot of shame. I kept wanting to reassure her that it is just fine, it's no comment on her essential worth as a human being or whatever if she procrastinates and does things at the last minute. It's her style; it's just how she does things. But I have been working toward more of a balance for the past couple months and letting go of the bullshit "knight in shining armor" role, so instead I asked her some questions about where the shame was coming from? Which parental voice was it, her mother or her father? It opened up into an interesting conversation about poverty, hoarding, fear, the upheaval of moving and the whole idea of home and how we define ourselves through our stuff.

I noticed several times throughout the morning how many chances there were for me to take charge, solve a problem, direct the situation or otherwise make myself indispensable (haha) that I would just let go of. Not my problem. Not my role, not my place, not my job. It's good to notice, interesting to know I am moving on, fascinating to try to find a loving and compassionate balance that isn't obsessive, self-serving or based on the fear of not being loved.

Helping a significant other move after one has recently separated is a trip. It could be a recipe for real trouble. No jinx, but it is going all right so far. The two of us still have no idea precisely what sort of relationship we are going to have with each other, but we're in an okay period right now of not forcing the issue. It makes me think there should be a modality of couples counseling that simply has the two people get way into some sort of real world project, like building something together, moving, working at a shelter, cleaning out a barn. Can two people work together and be a team? Can that energy end up being healing energy for all of the hurt feelings, resentments and jealousy? It seems like a lot of couples work already involves this mutual project orientation, but makes the mistake of making the project the relationship itself. I don't know about you, but I don't really want to be in a primary relationship that is all about processing being in the relationship. Ugh. It's like a closed system. It might work for some or for short periods of time, but it starts to feel crushingly sealed off to me after hardly any time at all. Is it not a death knell when a relationship starts to be entirely about itself?

Anyway, I'm enjoying writing here and I hope some have enjoyed as well. Commentary is always welcome and I look forward to getting to know others here.

With gratitude,

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Interesting encounter with a powerfully energetic, mystically inclined woman last night who is way into Human Design, which I hadn't heard of before. (http://www.humandesign.com/). It amazes me how many systems of esoteric knowledge/insight/symbolism have been developed by humans. This one seems impossibly detailed and has one of those fascinating lineages that includes transmission by channeling, an archetypal pattern that always gets my Virgo skepticism going.

Anyway, the interesting thing about this encounter was a brief conversation about sex. My position was that it's an activity with strongly spiritual potentials, a valid path toward awakening. Hers: sex is base, lower energy, not spiritual, and people who try to spiritualize it are just trying to rationalize fucking.

It was interesting to encounter in a New Age spiritual priestess sort of persona the same kind of dismissive attitude toward sexuality that I might expect to find in a wide variety of other religious folks. I have been engaging in tentative conversations about sacred sexuality with various people and I have always been surprised by the responses, never quite what I expect.

Immaterial

[MonoVCPHG]

The nature of sexuality with respect to spirituality is a very individual thing. What one may consider a very base act driven by animal instinct to achieve procreation and pleasure, another may associate with a selectively shared form of spititual communication. There are also those who can move between many different aproaches to sexuality depending on the circumstance and people involved. Some people are very stringent and others are more fluid.

There's no right or wrong in much of what we do, just differences which add to the daily flavour of our lives. This sometimes leads to insurmountable differences with an otherwise great potential partner but again that is ok. Not everyone will be on the same page or be able to accomodate differing aproaches to sexuality...but each of us has a responsibility to respect those aproaches in others.

Soap boxes should be made to share how I feel and act..not how anyone alse should.

[SourGirl]

It is sooooooooooooo nice to read blunt truths . Really. Thank you for being honest with yourself, and finding some humour in the process.

[rpcrazy]

I appreciate you making this blog immaterial. Some things you said about co-dependency hit home, as I've recently moved my g/f who got over a long-term relationship as well.

Also, though I agree with mono in that sexual expression is individually defined; It isn't subjectively understood, it's actually just mis-understood. Like a smaller version of the creationist vs. Evolutionist battle, both opinions are right.

Sex is a universe procreational system, used as an effective means to bond the partners having sex, and make sure the species spans via brain & cell receptors and responders for certain types of protein-link cells and hormones.

My position was that it's an activity with strongly spiritual potentials, a valid path toward awakening. Hers: sex is base, lower energy, not spiritual, and people who try to spiritualize it are just trying to rationalize fucking.

And as quoted, sex also has the potential for spiritual bonding, spiritual awakening, and spiritual awareness. I've seen it happen, i've experienced it, I've read about it, I believe it.

Both opinions don't actually have to clash. One is just an underlying part of the other. Sex is literally, the closest we can get to another person physically. If the spiritual world is defined by "oneness", one could conjure sex may be a means to experiment with that oneness.

Keep writing, i love it!

peace & love
-gabe

[immaterial]

Thanks, it's so very liberating to find even a few people to have these sorts of conversations with. I have been way underground for a long time. I am now on that "pink cloud." I am poly, hear me roar, kind of thing.

Mono, I appreciate your live and let live perspective. I also see the wisdom in your distinction, gabe, between subjectively understood and simply misunderstood. This is a very important area for me, personally, and perhaps I play some role in helping other people take a look at their own opinions, examined or unexamined. I know that we so deeply help each other when we test these ideas out in the world, rather than just holding them close and not sharing them with a wide variety of people.

To Superjast: me not finding some humor is me swinging at the end of a rope. :-)

I spent some time with a young woman who is in early sobriety last night and who is going through a painful break-up. "I don't understand it," she said. "Yesterday I was all love and light, completely open to his best interest and feeling all spiritual and free. Sad, yes, but still releasing and letting go. Today...today, I just feel like I'm going to die if I can't see him, talk with him, hold him. I'm angry, selfish, jealous, bitter and miserable. Where did all that love go?"

In a nutshell, this has characterized many of my experiences with intimate friends and loves. There are times when my capacity for compersion seems unlimited. When I can completely let go and hold these significant others in the light. Of course, when that circuit is open and I'm cycling through it I feel liberated, happy, joyous, generous of spirit and if there is grief or letting go, it's the beautiful, loving, releasing and flowing kind. On the other hand, when the grasping, fearful, bitter, resentful, jealous, envious, self-seeking and self-pitying energies are sparking, what a mess. And yet it seems these messy times are tremendous opportunities for growth. Of course, if you tell me that when I'm feeling that way, I might want to tell you to go f yourself. Or, "become irritated and refuse to talk."

All I could offer my friend was an ear. I didn't have any words of wisdom. I did remind her that all of it, the whole shebang, the good, the bad, the ugly, is all welcome. The universe doesn't reject any of it. It's all unconditionally exactly right somehow and unconditionally loved. I did also remind her that pain is only pain. It arrives, we feel it, it departs. If we don't feel it, it's not pain anymore. It's poison. Just my opinion.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

I took the dating personality test at OkCupid and got The Bachelor. What I thought was funniest was this line:

"It’s as if you believe in monogamy, so long as it’s with lots of different people."

Something sort of like that, actually.

Immaterial

[Sorcha17]

I was immediately drawn to this thread because of the title. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, he has been sober for about 28 or 30 years. I always wondered if my poly tendencies were a result of needing attention and not feeling that bond for much of my childhood. Did I seek as much love as I could get as a teen and young adult because of a kind of neglect that you suffer as the child of a substance abuser? Do I have a kind of addiction to love based on insecurity? This of course is insecurity in how I view my own self worth...do I view polyamorous love as necessary to feed that craving. On the outside most people would consider me very confident and social and kind of a class-clown. I am actually quite insecure but put on a bravado to protect against criticism. I seek solitude often but at the same time considered the center of attention when I am in a social setting. I need both privacy and exposure which led to a brief but very profound addiction to alcohol. My bottom was not violent or typical but it was enough loss that I stopped drinking immediately. I recognized I was repeating my father's pathology as you mentioned. But to this day, I need a lot of love and need to love others to feel worthy. Is this making sense? I feel like I am rambling.
Anyway, I think sex can be just a primal physical expression, but when there is love, trust and real intellectual and emotional synergy then there is a spiritual connection felt. Right?:o

Thanks for the thread. I will being checking back often.;)

[immaterial]

Thanks for your post, Sorcha. The disease of alcoholism/addiction ravages many lives in different ways. The magic of it: it also leads people to their higher selves, to an awakening into undreamed of possibilities.

I think many of my relationship decisions were based on the idea that the relationship would complete me or make me well. These are not essentially different. Wellness is wholeness, for me. I didn't think of wholeness and union with God as wellness or sanity until a few years ago. Anyway, I do feel that if we are looking externally for wholeness we are still in process and will still fall short and be hurt along the way. There isn't anything wrong with this, as it is precisely the way we move toward the universe's will for us, which is to be happy, joyous and free. Progress, not perfection.

But if other people are my higher power I am bound to be hurt. Their shortcomings will inevitably disappoint me. It is impossible for me to really see another person if I am using them for something, especially if I am using him or her to make me feel better, to make me feel well or fixed or whole. I have many times known the disappointment of having the real other person emerge from behind my projections and startle me with the reality of who he or she is. These emerging aspects of their true otherness can even be spectacular and wondrous qualities, but since they are not part of my plan or expectation, the disappointment can be profound.

Part of my task now is to make my relationship with my higher power the primary relationship. All other relationships are secondary at best. The ground of my being in the world is my relationship with my higher power. Relationships with friends and lovers then reside on neutral territory, so to speak. These sacred others have a shot at actually showing up in my life as who they are and I am free to express my whole self as well. In this way I reduce the desperation with which I am looking for other people to complete me, fix me, heal me, let me heal or rescue them, etc.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Yesterday I spent a lot of time recording sound files for a music project some friends and I are doing, inlcuding listening to a fairly obscure Miles Davis piece called Orange Lady several times.

Then I headed out for one of the few redeeming cultural events in my city, an art walk that happens on the first Friday of each month. I was on the train platform and across the way on the platform for trains going the other direction was a fascinating looking woman. Very gypsy looking, very '60s style, hippie. Thin as a rail. I wanted to know her story instantly and mildly lamented that she was going the other way.

She crossed the tracks; turned out she was headed my direction after all. I struck up a conversation with her. Lives in Australia, born and raised in Holland, had just done a Native American retreat and was traveling to Mexico for more shamanic experiences. We ended up doing the art walk together, laughing, talking, as if we were old friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. This has been happening a lot lately.

She got back on the train going north, eventually, to her boyfriend's house. It was not until I was home and reflecting on how much fun I had that I realized she was dressed almost entirely in orange. She even had an orange head scarf. Orange Lady.

Life is strange.

Immaterial

[clairegoad]

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Miles+Davis:Orange+Lady:405124:s28639226.8165 103.7868516.0.1.70%2Cstd_813d435bedca3b06c30c117a7 6b5c54a

[immaterial]

It's purdy, ain't it? And somewhat more spooky and meditative than a lot of Miles. I think it's written by Joe Zawinul. The tamboura and berimbau are a great couple of sounds. Some of the chords are wonderful suspensions.

The song reminds me of tripping, actually, especially on psilocybin.

Immaterial

[Morningglory629]

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Miles+Davis:Orange+Lady:405124:s28639226.8165 103.7868516.0.1.70%2Cstd_813d435bedca3b06c30c117a7 6b5c54a

Nice! Calming. Like listening to the ocean.

[immaterial]

In typical Miles fashion, this segment follows the very sinister, murky and slightly deranged Great Expectations.

You don't get dessert until you've had the mystery stew!

:-)

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Loneliness. It's definitely up for me now. My separated other and I have been apart for a few months and living alone for almost a month. It seems like not very much time. I think I am coming up against my love addiction. I realize it may be disturbing and annoying to talk about a "love addiction," but I do have some perspective of the shape of it. There is this yearning, whining part of my heart that wants to be in a dyad. It's this part that I have obeyed over and over again in agreeing to monogamous pairing. The whole world seems inaccessible at times without this sharing partnership. It is not precisely the same thing as codependency, as codependency is a broader and more amorphous desire to be defined well by others, to seek identity outside myself.

Love addiction is powerlessness and unmanageability over the heart's need to fall in love, be in love, have that NRE, get that sparking thrill of being loved and admired, imagine a partnership in which both people complete each other, a complementary and blissful union. This too has a completely different feel from sex addiction, of course. I suppose that's why there is actually a program called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

It's a good thing the 12 steps are the same across all of these recovery programs, or I'd have to go to 5 meetings of different groups a day. :-)

The bottom line for me seems to be, if there's a way to look outside myself to manage my feelings and to change my state of consciousness, I'll compulsively try to do it. I remember a guy in Santa Fe who would introduce himself at AA meetings thusly: "Hi, I'm _____, and I'm an everything addict."

Immaterial

[clairegoad]

and I've heard in meetings:

"If it feels good, abuse it."

[Morningglory629]

Hi...I am ___, I am poly and I can't stop at just one!:p

[immaterial]

That's why they call them...Lays.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Last night, I met up with a former student of mine and we talked for nearly two hours. She is 18 and seems going on 30 and has had an interesting time of it. More on that later.

Our deeper connection began when she started overtly trying to seduce me. She has an old man obsession, (obviously!), as well as a teacher obsession. So here I am, conveniently both an old man and a teacher, and wham. Her provocations were really starting to get under my skin. She has the kind of physical beauty that makes people, both men and women, actually stop dead in their tracks on the street and stare. She is quite seemingly sexually precocious (as are many of my adolescent students these days) and has a deeply mischievous streak. An impish, unconventional, free-spirited Aquarian.

At 18, she identifies as polyamorous (her word) and only interested in open relationships. She is currently in an open relationship with a 27 year old guy who lives in another city.

We started having more in depth, personal conversations recently, as she graduated and is no longer a student at the school where I work. Occasionally, when she was a student, we had a heart to heart talk about this or that. Another faculty member at the school was trying to get her to have sex with him and he got caught (another student he was making advances to turned him in) and immediately fired. She was wracked with guilt over it. I told her, "he's the adult. you didn't do a damn thing wrong. You aren't responsible." Even if it may not be *strictly* true, it's what she needs to hear at age 18.

The tough thing about our friendship isn't really that bad, but it's distracting. She has made it crystal clear she would be sexual with me any time. I have made it clear to her that I won't, under any circumstances. This was the bottom line last night. Why not? she wanted to know. Because I think a relationship like that with me would harm you, I heard myself saying, while the greedy priapic devil on my shoulder was fuming.

The strange thing is it's just entirely on a gut level, this sense that it would harm her. I don't even know why it feels like this. It's just the truth of it. I don't think the potential harm even only has to do with her age. That seems to be part of it, but I think it goes deeper than that. I have remained open that perhaps I am stuck in convention, that perhaps the red flags are illusory and I am just not willing to go that far outside convention. This may be, but it doesn't seem that way now.

So I'm trusting my instincts. This is the sort of thing I might have majorly made a mess of had I been operating from any other framework but complete honesty. How strange it is to say to her "of course I would, in an instant, in a heartbeat, but I can't. Don't want to cause you harm. It doesn't feel at all safe." She sat with it for a minute. "No one has ever turned me down," she said, as if she were 40 and had already left 22 years of male conquests in her wake. I didn't ask her how many that had been. But she said "Can I tell you something?" "Sure." "I just had sex for the first time last week." Ah, interesting. She had just returned from visiting her open-relationship SO. The first time. Just days ago.

"Hey, well, I'm happy for you guys," I said, trying not to sound completely astonished, and she beamed. "It was really embarrassing," she said, "but my mother was all, like, 'was he any good?'" Ha, figures. Her mother is one of these "best friend" mothers. I'll not write now about the icky boundary issues that have resulted, but you might have a sense of that already anyway.

It's a strange world, for sure. I went home thankful to have avoided stepping right into something *way* over my head. Keep it simple. Keep the lines of communication open. I have a chance to help the kid out, but probably only if I keep it in my pants. What a concept.

Immaterial

[Morningglory629]

Our deeper connection began when she started overtly trying to seduce me. She has an old man obsession, (obviously!), as well as a teacher obsession. So here I am, conveniently both an old man and a teacher, and wham. Her provocations were really starting to get under my skin. She has the kind of physical beauty that makes people, both men and women, actually stop dead in their tracks on the street and stare. She is quite seemingly sexually precocious (as are many of my adolescent students these days) and has a deeply mischievous streak. An impish, unconventional, free-spirited Aquarian.

At 18, she identifies as polyamorous (her word) and only interested in open relationships. She is currently in an open relationship with a 27 year old guy who lives in another city.

We started having more in depth, personal conversations recently, as she graduated and is no longer a student at the school where I work. Occasionally, when she was a student, we had a heart to heart talk about this or that. Another faculty member at the school was trying to get her to have sex with him and he got caught (another student he was making advances to turned him in) and immediately fired. She was wracked with guilt over it. I told her, "he's the adult. you didn't do a damn thing wrong. You aren't responsible." Even if it may not be *strictly* true, it's what she needs to hear at age 18.

The tough thing about our friendship isn't really that bad, but it's distracting. She has made it crystal clear she would be sexual with me any time. I have made it clear to her that I won't, under any circumstances. This was the bottom line last night. Why not? she wanted to know. Because I think a relationship like that with me would harm you, I heard myself saying, while the greedy priapic devil on my shoulder was fuming.

The strange thing is it's just entirely on a gut level, this sense that it would harm her. I don't even know why it feels like this. It's just the truth of it. I don't think the potential harm even only has to do with her age. That seems to be part of it, but I think it goes deeper than that. I have remained open that perhaps I am stuck in convention, that perhaps the red flags are illusory and I am just not willing to go that far outside convention. This may be, but it doesn't seem that way now.

So I'm trusting my instincts. This is the sort of thing I might have majorly made a mess of had I been operating from any other framework but complete honesty. How strange it is to say to her "of course I would, in an instant, in a heartbeat, but I can't. Don't want to cause you harm. It doesn't feel at all safe." She sat with it for a minute. "No one has ever turned me down," she said, as if she were 40 and had already left 22 years of male conquests in her wake. I didn't ask her how many that had been. But she said "Can I tell you something?" "Sure." "I just had sex for the first time last week." Ah, interesting. She had just returned from visiting her open-relationship SO. The first time. Just days ago.

"Hey, well, I'm happy for you guys," I said, trying not to sound completely astonished, and she beamed. "It was really embarrassing," she said, "but my mother was all, like, 'was he any good?'" Ha, figures. Her mother is one of these "best friend" mothers. I'll not write now about the icky boundary issues that have resulted, but you might have a sense of that already anyway.

It's a strange world, for sure. I went home thankful to have avoided stepping right into something *way* over my head. Keep it simple. Keep the lines of communication open. I have a chance to help the kid out, but probably only if I keep it in my pants. What a concept.

Immaterial

Yikes! Good call! I remember that happening alot more in university, but you are right about high school students these days...very overt whether or not they are emotionally ready for it. I believe it is the parental relationship factoring into an almost damaging precociousness. I don't understand why one would want to be more of a friend than a parent to their child? The one job you have as a parent is to be protector. You can't guard them if you are too worried about being the cool mom in the skinny jeans trading sex stories. EWWWW! Not that you can't be open about sensitive subjects ...but not as part of Gossip Girl! You want your child to come to you for advice and counsel but not in that peer kind of way. Make sense?:eek:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvfb8GcKAWs

[Ariakas]

The idea of sexual conquests doesn't go away for some. I think sometimes it limits their ability to see the scope of a potential relationship as it is just a conquest. Our ex (who is 31) views most of her hookups as conquests. If she wants soemone or something in bed, she goes after it. She conquers it and than walks away. My wife was like this as well, until we met anyways. :)

[Morningglory629]

Ari-

This is pretty much how I viewed them when they were just sex- before I met my husband and decided he would make a great father...;) But there is something about being a young woman, not having a parental boundary set and getting into sexual situations of which you are not prepared- no matter how intellectual you are there is an emotional component that isn't there. She was seeking attention from father figures for a reason. When you think about it, this former student is only 18 NOW! She was entertaining sexual relations at a very young age- 14 or 15- why an adult male would think this is ok is beyond me?! ( I am assuming oral since she said she just had intercourse last week) A teen girl is discovering who she is and has no capability of knowing what she wants and needs because she has no experience yet. At that age, it is all about attention, rebellious behaviors and pushing the envelope of adventure. Rock on- I hope my kids have many adventures before they settle down. I just don't want any creepers swooping in and creating shame and heartbreak before they get out of the gate!:mad:

I am a sucker for romance- and there is something very sweet about young love between teens that is powerful and sticks with you for a lifetime. BUT that is between kids exploring and discovering together. As far as that former teacher who got caught up with this girl in some kind of sexual situation- it is predatory and taking advantage of an impressionable mind. No matter how beautiful, educated and precocious she is...the girl is a teen.

Immaterial- I am so glad that there is actually a dread feeling of "This is wrong" and you immediately felt it; I was beginning to wonder about teachers these days. I work in an environment where there are alot of young people- teens and young adults. Yes, there are lovely, hormone driven bodies everywhere and some more noticeable than others- but I look at them with no interest in conquesting because where is the connection, the challenge. Even the cliche interest in being The Tutor is kind of selfish isn't it? Maybe I am coming from a different perspective... I am a woman. Maybe it is some innate, motherly instinct.
What do the boys think?

[immaterial]

I appreciate all of the thoughts very, very much. I have never even *entertained* even remotely the possibility of ever being sexually involved with students or former students, beyond the level of fantasy. I do find it sexually arousing at times to be around what are essentially adult sexual bodies of young women who dress and act very frankly and provocatively. It is a distracting and sometimes disturbing part of my profession these days. But I would never violate the trust placed in me. It's just not in my repertoire.

This young woman is the first to continue to pursue a friendship with me after graduation. Well, except for a few young women who are now in their 40s, 30s and late 20s. (I've been a teacher for 23 years. I have one former student who is 40 and has three children). So this is the first time I've even had the opportunity to be in anything other than the teacher/student role. The path that has felt right has been to let her have her father figure deal going on but hew very close to adopting that role in a strict sense, as a mentor, a resource, a source of guidance, a shoulder to cry on. I think I lose all credibility and any opportunity to be truly helpful if we embark on a physical relationship.

The timing of it is very bizarre. It feels to me like a test thrown my way by the universe.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

I've been talking with several different women about polyamory and, without exception, none of them have any interest. These are not potential partners for me, just friends, exes, acquaintances, etc. My conversations with them have been like me coming out, and them expressing a combination of skepticism and mild criticism. These conversations don't really bother me, but I do find them interesting. I have recently started making it a practice for myself to run stuff by people more often. I tend to figure a lot of stuff out in my head and it is not by any means automatic to talk about my personal thoughts/feelings and see what the universe has to say back. I have always been more comfortable talking about relationship stuff with women, but I do look forward to talking about poly and non-monogamy with male friends of mine too.

Generally the responses fall along two lines. One stems from past experience with either true poly or at least open and non-monogamous relationships. I know a lot of people who are New Agey, seeker types. Communal living, co-housing arrangements, the whole "free love" thing of the early '70s, etc. I don't know anyone who experienced some of these alternative ways of living who is still living that way. These women now are interested in monogamy, period. "I am generous and can share a lot, but not my partner." "tried it, didn't really work, seemed impractical and sort of dippy."

The other response has been mostly about focus. "I can't deal with more than one. I can barely stay focused on one!" Kind of a funny perspective. Some responses gendered: "Women put so much of themselves into their sexual relationship. They are naturally devoted." Seems odd.

Anyway, it's been interesting hearing various perspectives. So far, not one person has said "hooray! what a wonderful way to live, with all that love and all that honesty! congratulations!"

Immaterial

[immaterial]

I've been thinking about negative definitions versus positive definitions lately. Especially the negative definition of monogamy.

It sounds reasonable enough, wondering if one can love more than one person in a sexual/romantic way without causing harm somehow. This is the stuff that the surface appearance of monogamy is built from. Lots of people think it's just not possible to love more than one person romantically and sexually, that it would hurt too much or be too complicated or would "dilute" the love, etc. These all seem to me to be exclusive, negative definitions of what monogamy is. Choosing monogamy because non-monogamy is impossible, painful, complicated, dishonoring to the One Love, etc. This is a paring away, a paring down of what sexual/romantic interactions can be, until all that is left is exclusive monogamy.

I simply can't see how this can be fulfilling, let alone even be seen as an actual choice. This is what passes for monogamy in our culture but is really a fear-based choice, a desire to possess the other, to protect oneself, a self-righteous conditional love that is not in the least truly interested in the full freedom and passion of the other or oneself.

For monogamy to have life, creativity, freedom and passion in it, it seems to me it would have to be a positively defined, fully consciously embraced choice. Not the closing of doors and windows out of fear for what's outside, but a decision to throw one's lot in with just one other fully, completely, with abandon, with one's whole heart and focus. Not out of a conviction that love can be limited, because really, even on first glance, such a conviction is laughable. Isn't it? Love? Limited? The two words are practically antonyms. But out of the conscious decision to romp around in love's infinitude with only one other. I have never made this whole-hearted and focused commitment to someone else and I'm not desirous of it. My commitment is to love itself, and each interaction is just a different facet of that infinite power. That may be why I am poly/non-monogamous.

Polyamory and non-monogamy could both be negatively defined as well. It seems tempting to "choose" polyamory/non-monogamy "because monogamy has failed." This seems like a very slim choice indeed.

Immaterial

[MonoVCPHG]

This is what passes for monogamy in our culture but is really a fear-based choice, a desire to possess the other, to protect oneself, a self-righteous conditional love that is not in the least truly interested in the full freedom and passion of the other or oneself.




Immaterial

Your assumptions of monogamy are severely skewed. Yes, these attributes do apply to some relationships (but there are negative manifestations of poly as well..and every other relationship style) It is unfortunate that the environment you are from has instilled this misunderstanding. If I chose to speak of poly in a negative way I could fill pages, but I don't. I won't attack what I truly don't understand.

I've edited this because Immaterial was right in calling a possible passive aggressive shot at him. To disagree with the comment is one thing, to attack him as a person without knowing him personally is not appropriate, especially on his blog. I apologize for that aspect of my comment.

[immaterial]

Mono, I'd suggest you read my post more generously. I did offer a positive definition of monogamy that's probably more flattering than one you'd read anywhere.

Immaterial

[Ariakas]

This is what passes for monogamy in our culture but is really a fear-based choice, a desire to possess the other, to protect oneself, a self-righteous conditional love that is not in the least truly interested in the full freedom and passion of the other or oneself.


Looking at what mono quoted (and I am quoting it), this is a badly skewed view of monogamy. Regardless of the kittens and puppies you stuck around it, you are absolutely insulting monogamy. Re-read what you wrote in its entirety instead of the piece you like :)...

Try and read it from the POV of someone who is monogamous and happy being in love with one and can only love one :)

[MonoVCPHG]

In case you missed it. It's the bulk of the post.

Immaterial

PS: Thanks for the completely uncalled for ad hominem attack, the accusation that I'm trying to "win over potential dates." WTF? I'm not here to find women. It';s one thing for you to express hurt feelings, but to call my motives and character into question because you don't like my opinion is not okay with me.

It was the part I quoted I took issue with. That was an uncalled for attack of an entire way of relationships within our culture. I'm not ok with that. Sorry you are not ok with my response.

[MonoVCPHG]

I should follow up by apologizing for engaging in a discussion on this part of the forums. Life Stories and Blogs is not an area for debate. I'm happy if you would like me to retract and delete my comments.

[immaterial]

Ha, well, I stand by my post. I am not satisfied by negative definitions and choices made by whittling away at the possible. I didn't even call it monogamy in my post but rather explicitly "what passes for monogamy." I did not insult monogamy, sorry. I outlined what I feel is the negative definition of monogamy. I offered also a negative definition of non-monogamy (the only choice left because monogamy is a failure). What I was trying to communicate before the attempted character assassination was that *negative definitions in general are not very satisfying*. We are only able to make a real, consciously embraced choice when our freedom to choose is positively defined. Positive definitions of monogamy are in fact deeply beautiful and liberating.

Now I'll just sit back and wait for all the hotttt poly babes to PM me and ask me out. Since being an insufferable know it all who uses kittens and puppies to make horrifying insults look great is exactly what women want.

Immaterial

[MonoVCPHG]

Although we disagree on some things, there is no reason for my own protective nature to inject un-comfortablity on your own blog. I edited my comment and will not continue along this line. I've seen this in the past and it is not a positive path for the forums. I do apologize for the perception of an attack. Hopefully this will not skew our own interaction on here in the future :)

I have no issue with removing my comments in the their entirety either. This is your blog and therefore your house so to speak.

Take care
Mono

[immaterial]

Please do not remove your comments, a valid and engaging perspective. I want my blog to be a place of discourse even if it's heated at times. I think I have an inflammatory way of expressing myself sometimes and my sense of humor goes missing in this written medium as well. Anyway, all opinions are welcome regarding the content. My hackles go up when I sense a personal flame but I am as guilty of that sometimes as anyone.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Quoting myself:

"If I am open to what will serve my highest good, that is truly what will appear."

Thanks for the appearance Mono, Ariakis and any and all others who do me the honor of reading and listening and engaging.

Immaterial

[MonoVCPHG]

There's lots to learn from everyone. Your blog is a valuable contribution to an engaging environment where people share and at times struggle with each other.

Take care
Mono

[Ariakas]

Now I'll just sit back and wait for all the hotttt poly babes to PM me and ask me out. Since being an insufferable know it all who uses kittens and puppies to make horrifying insults look great is exactly what women want.

Immaterial

No wonder I am "only" married ;)

I will end where I said, I have no point of contention. One of these days I will start one of these things ;) :p

[redpepper]

Immaterial, you make some interesting points about monogamy that are worth discussing further. You could start a thread on the topic in "general discussions" if the wording was changed a bit from being a chain of thought to opening up a discussion from what you have observed. That way your blog will not be bogged down with debate and we will all have a chance to speak to what we know of monogamy seen from the point of view you make.

[immaterial]

Talked with my 18 year old former student friend again tonight. We talked extensively about sexual and seductive power. She reminded me that she always dressed very conservatively at school, downplayed her make up, the high heels, the whole bit. I have seen her outside of school so many times, dazzling and like a distillation of sexual energies, that I forgot how demure she was in class itself. We were talking about her classmates.

What kicked the conversation off was something she said. "You know why I trust you? You always make eye contact." "Yeah, well," I smiled sheepishly, "As a teacher, I have had to train myself to always make eye contact, to always keep my line of sight above the neck. If you know what I mean."

She expressed exasperation with her classmates and how provocatively they dressed for school. In particular, how much cleavage was revealed in many outfits.

"Yes, well, my entire way of relating with female students is they don't have bodies at all. They're just minds. That's the only part of the student I'm permitted to have intercourse with, if you get my meaning. Besides, I think a lot of young women your age really have *no idea* how much sexual power they have. You seem fairly hip to it, but many seem to be utterly clueless."

My friend thought for a while, then told me basically the story of how she began to recognize this sexual power, from roughly age 13 to now, 5 years later. I was riveted with attention, as I've never heard it told so eloquently and from a young woman's point of view. For one thing, at a very young age, she learned she could basically get any man, of any age as long as he was pubescent or post-pubescent, to do whatever she wanted. She has a teacher fantasy, as well as an older married man fantasy, because she has never been able to get a man from either of these groups to bend to her sexuality. Almost all other men and young men and boys have been easily led, as if they had rings in their noses. (I told her if she persisted and if she really wanted a huge fucking mess in her life, she would easily get a college professor and/or a married man, it's only a matter of time).

She admits to just now waking up to the potential harm her sexual power could cause others as well as herself. We talked at great length about living through manipulation, using people for expedient purposes, inviting different forms of abusive or harmful energies into one's life, building entire relationships on false structures and faked feelings. She knows her tits don't make her empowered. She also knows that she has been able to use sexual enchantment to lay some heavy voodoo down in the world around her.

We talked about how women gain respect. How unfair it is that women who are proud of their sexual energy and unashamed of their beauty and their sexuality are judged so harshly, not only by men but also perhaps especially harshly by other young women and women. We talked about the difference between being wanted sexually and being admired for who you are, between asking the universe for respect as a human being and using bad faith wiles to charm people. How charm eventually wears off and is often replaced by mutual loathing.

I outlined for her all the different ways I woke up to my seductive, sexual powers and how I used them all. How I had a carefully cultivated "woo kit" and several chameleon colors I could wear depending on the pants I wanted to get into. Is she a nurturing, rescuing sort? I'll play the wounded bird. The tortured artist. Is she a wounded bird herself? I'll be the rescuer, the knight, the hero. Is she impressed by brains? I'll wave my large brain in her face. Does she want a sensitive, emotional guy? Here come the tears. I asked her, does it really matter what a guy looks like to her? No, she said, not really, I mean in some extreme ways, but generally no. Exactly! This was a breakthrough realization for me, I told her. I realized at about age 19 that most of the women I was interested in didn't care that I wasn't movie star material nor ripped and muscular or even athletic. Most of the women I wanted to bed were going to go with what kind of person they thought I was. Being clever, I could easily change the kind of person I was to get what I thought I wanted.

There was a long silence. Turned out she was mentally paging back through a few of her boyfriends, remembering how they wooed her, how they slowly morphed over time into people different from their initial presentation, how she had been played, either consciously or unconsciously.

It was 11:11. I said, "Hey, it's 11:11. Make a wish." We sat silently with our eyes closed and wished our silent wishes. After I made my wish, I had a vision of her moving through the times of her life from now to about age 80, having gone through whatever life waits for her between now and then. I had a slight shiver of awe at just how amazing it is that we come into and out of each others' lives like this, that we are not just listeners to the story but parts of the story.

I have no idea what she wished for, as we both agreed, wishes spoken don't come true.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

There's a woman I've been curious about at several AA meetings and we've been friendly during conversations before and after. I vaguely sensed at various times that she's been going through a rough patch. She's got essentially two personalities: a very cheerful, extroverted and energetic presentation and a very introverted, withdrawn and shy, quiet and depressive presentation. These are truly extremes. Of course, it turns out there are mental health struggles, medication, suicide attempts, cutting, in-patient treatment, therapy, etc. I have repeatedly been attracted to or even just curious about women struggling with mental illness for the past 7 years or so. In fact, there has been a progression involved where I've actually been attracted to more and more seriously mentally ill women as time has gone on.

I'm doing some examination of this. I think patterns contain valuable messages. I especially think patterns that are progressive in a strong direction contain valuable messages. I still don't have a clue why this pattern would be the case. The easiest explanation is I have some serious rescuing and co-dependency issues to look at, and that in fact my issues around this are getting worse and worse. It would be nice to have a strong, healthy, confident, rich woman come along and rescue me, come to think of it. :-) On the other hand, I wonder. I'm not attracted to the mental illness. I know that much certainly.

With my last SO, I met her at a time when she was just wrecked. At first it was fine as I helped her out. Sometimes, in order to get her up off her living room floor, I would have to literally pick her up. Her depression was so severe at times that she was incapable of speaking, moving, etc. She tried to kill herself twice during the 4 years we were together. She did show significant progress, functioning in the world. She got an advanced degree, worked, engaged in a relationship with me, etc. Over time, however, I began to utterly despise her illness, which returned periodically and ferociously. It has in fact been difficult for me to merely despise her illness and not actually despise her. I have needed all of the 12 step tools I have in order to gain some equilibrium there. When the relationship became a part of her problem rather than a helpful part of the solution that was pretty much when I bailed. So it does look like, as soon as I could no longer fulfill a knight in shining armor, rescuer role, I lost interest in the relationship.

I hate looking at this stuff.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Sometimes things instantly get put into perspective.

A text I received last night from another alcoholic:

"Terrible news about Steve. Hope you are well, call me if you need to talk."

I was thrown for a second. Steve? News? Huh? Then I remembered an acquaintance of mine who had been around AA for a few months back in the winter. He was a great guy, seemed fairly solid, great sense of humor. Then he disappeared. When he returned, a couple months later, he looked like death. Pale skin, sunken eyes, barely able to speak, wrapped in misery and sadness.

This second go at recovery didn't take. The disease of alcoholism killed him a few days ago. His Facebook wall is dense with farewells, tributes, grief, anger and love. The last thing he linked to on his wall was "Long Road to Ruin" by the Foo Fighters. He put that up July 8th.

Like I said, he did have a wicked sense of humor.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

I'm currently on a 10-day visit to a town where I lived, on and off, for 25 years. I have had several sexual relationships in this town, many jobs, many friendships and two marriages and divorces. In many ways this place really feels like my home town, even though it is 2000 miles from where I "grew up." I was only 22 when I first came here, though, and I was definitely not grown up. It not only feels like my home town, it is also in many ways "the scene of the crime." Lots of mistakes, missteps, failed monogamous relationships, employment trauma, spiritual awakening, insights, etc. Lots of drug and alcohol use and abuse. Lots of ghosts and lots of history. It's compounded by the fact that the town is fairly small and many people I have known over the years are still here (although a great many have left).

The main spiritual purpose of this trip has been to make several amends, an attempt to clear away some of the wreckage of the past. Some of these have been with former employers, but the majority have been with 4 exes who still live here. Both ex wives and two ex girlfriends. I am lucky to have been on relatively good terms with these exes. The conversations were easy to arrange, as a result of being in fairly regular contact with all of them via email or Facebook or in person. In each case, my sincere desire to allow for closure and repair of some of the damage of the past was met with a generous and forgiving spirit. Also, in each case, there have been several surprises, several unexpected aspects. (One funny pattern is that all four women have offered me a sofa or futon to sleep on).

I am still digesting and integrating all of this interaction. I'm sure it will be a good long while before the full effect of these amends is felt in my everyday life, in how I am in relationships from now on and in how free I am finally able to be of the ghosts of the past. It's an amazing process.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Hello to all of my new friends and acquaintances here. I have missed the conversation. But all of my activities have migrated over into meatspace, lately, with some NRE and a lot of change and growth.

There are interesting experiences where we know someone for a great many years in one way and then all of a sudden, so to speak, we're going down on her. Haha. It has a surreal quality to it, really. To be dear friends with a woman for 16 years and then there's a rainy thunderstorm night, cool breeze through the window, candles, a simple dinner, good conversation, a shoulder for her to cry on about her divorce after 10 years of marriage, some nurturing touch that sets off a spark and flashes into highly charged erotic exploration for several hours. Wait...what? Perspectives shift. Who is this woman? Who am I?

Odd also how the two of us almost did start a relationship 15 years ago, but I ended up with my second wife instead. Literally, like the next night.

Anyway, this is the first time in my life I have been completely honest about my own situation and where I am and what I want and it's refreshing. I have absolutely nothing to hide. It's a very sexy place to be. There isn't that murky, gunky dark dread in my gut that used to be there when I would lie my way into someone's pants. Nice.

I completed also a huge cycle of forgiveness, clearing, releasing and liberation on the trip. Now I am back in the hot furnace of central AZ and readying myself as much as possible for the start of my job.

Life is good.

Immaterial

[immaterial]

Wanting Wanting

It seems inevitable that what
arises between two people in dynamic relating is this exchange of
wanting and being wanted, the trading of top and bottom, the either
slight or greatly exaggerated power imbalance. More romantically, the
trading of lover and beloved. These whirling exchanges seem to happen
very quickly sometimes in dynamic relationships, monogamous or not, but I've also experienced entire long years
within exclusive monogamous relationships where each person
basically...assumed a position? For much of the most recent
relationship, I was the pursued, she was the pursuer. I
never intended to set up this dynamic. It emerged out of my growing
dissatisfaction with monogamy. Not with her, just with the monogamous
exclusivity.

I have also been the pursuer for long months. It can become
excruciating when the pursued recedes more and more and becomes a tiny
little black dot on the horizon. Running as fast as we can, we wonder
why this person who once was eager to play with us is now so desperate
to get as far away as possible. It never really occurred to me to just
give up pursuing altogether. If I'm not chasing, there's no one
running away. If I'm not looking for a person to be available for me,
there's no one cold and distant or snubbing me. It also never occurred
to me to just stop running. To let a pursuer catch me and then say,
okay, you got me, now what? Because then I wonder would the energy
just fall right out of it all? Would the pursuer suddenly come to her
senses in that moment and just start laughing? Or would it be
impossible to really catch me? Because the sense that i got with
the last relationship was that there would never, ever be enough of me. That she
would continue pursuing something like a simulacrum of me even if I
was standing right there, not running. And that sense of never being
enough for her really terrified me. It felt devouring and annihilating
and hopeless and desperate. And I do begin in longer exclusive
monogamous relationships to either feel like the other person will
just never be enough or I will never be enough. Nothing is ever
sufficient. The only sufficiency I have felt with great steadiness and
faith and constancy is when I have been single. I heal my way into
being sufficient. I am neither going toward nor turning away. This is
when I am truly single and not looking. I dislike looking ever so
much. Looking has so much fraudulence in it. Because, really,
honestly, how would I answer the question: "what are you looking for?"

I have often felt guilty and deeply undeserving when I am more wanted
than wanting. And I have often felt ashamed and unmanly when I am
more wanting than wanted.

Suffice it to say that the topic of who wants and who is wanted
touches on many of the wounds that are raw for me.

From the spiritual perspective, these imbalances of desire are
actually illusions IMO. Anything that reinforces the myth of
separation is an illusion. To get beyond is to just let it be enough.
It is enough. "Yes, but," I tend to say, sometimes very petulantly.
No. It is enough. Let it go. Game over. Stop looking. You are. Get
over it. It is enough. "Yes, but!" Etc. It's a cycle.

And here is the more hopeful part of it for me: I can plunge into the
ocean of forms with joy, relishing being wanted, relishing being the
one who burns with wanting. The roles then become just forms of play
and can be enjoyed. Liberating and freeing. I don't have to live like
a refugee.

But this is new for me. And it still breaks my heart when I think of
the rackets I have tried to run. Some of us understand what it is like to be clever in
relationship. To be convinced that we can figure it out, get it right,
do it right. We're smart enough. We should be up to that simple task.
Surely, loving another person is not that hard. It's not a thing
such a clever boy as I should fail at. Yet, there's the record. My 4th
step sex and relationship inventory is in black and white, staring me
right down. And isn't it something? The little "yes, but" flame still
leaps from the embers and says "This time, it will be different!" No,
this time it will not be different. Because there won't be a this
time. Because the toys have been put away, into the toy box. Because
Elvis has left the building. Because stick a fork in me.

There is a famous sentence in the Big Book: "The illusion that he will
someday control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every
abnormal drinker." Substitute "relating" for "drinking" and you get a
picture of the great obsession that has remained for me, even after
the obsession to drink has been removed. The key to opening the sentence
is to emphasize the AND. "Control AND enjoy his relating." This is the
great obsession of this codependent relater. And the
heartbreak of the repeated disappointment offers no real dissuasion.
The dissuasion now has come powerfully from my HP. "You are already
unconditionally loved. You have been looking for it in the wrong
places and in the wrong ways. Just give it a break and let it go.
You'll be fine."

This has turned into a lot. Thank you for reading.

I do invite comment here, by the way. Is that acceptable within this section of the forum? Or is it customary to not comment on blogs? Because I like the conversation and I don't mind people commenting. Every time someone does, I learn.

Immaterial