Illness and adequate support / Venting

[dragonflysky]

Just a little background:
My current poly relationship: He: heterosexual; She: bi-sexual, Me: female, heterosexual. None of us currently have other partners. They have had another partner on a rather short term basis a couple of times in the past few years, and they anticipate she will soon be seeking out another partner after completing college in Dec. of this year. We're in the earlier stages of exploring a poly relationship. I didn't go looking for poly, and, in fact, had never heard of it prior to meeting this guy.

My couple is also raising her elementary aged son. They live together in his house which is a 6 hour drive from where I live. We've all met each other and shared 6 days together camping at an S.C.A event earlier this month. She and I got along well and I can see her as being someone I'd like for a friend regardless of any involvement with our guy. Right now I have more of a "secondary" role, although I wouldn't want to be a "secondary" in the long run. I told him this and he said it wasn't what he/they wanted either.


This past week brought up one of my biggest concerns about being in a poly relationship. Who...what...where....gets priority when there are mutual and individual wants and needs????? (Yes....I realize this comes up in mono relationships, but the additional numbers in poly just seem to complicate it more.) I ended up going to the hospital with an undiagnosed condition a little over a week ago. My guy was aware I had not been feeling well earlier that week as he and I had a few phone calls and at times I sought his professional advice since he's a nurse. I called him when the E.R. decided to admit me as an in-patient for further diagnostics and pain control. I reached his voicemail and left a message about where I was, along with a couple of phone numbers where he could reach me, e.g., my emergency cell phone and my hospital room phone.)

As the week worn on I became very frustrated and sad because the doctors couldn't find the source of my pain....only try and manage it. I'm typically an assertive independent intelligent woman whose a good self-advocate. But after several days of pain and frustration I was wearing out. After 7 days in the hospital I was to be discharged so I could be driven 5 hours and evaluated by a specialist. (The area of the country I live in is quite remote and medical services are very limited.) I was still experiencing pain and they hadn't been able to diagnose anything yet at the time of my discharge.

My guy and I had phone calls throughout the time I was in the hospital. I called him the night before my discharge from the hospital to tell him what the plan was. He then told me he wasn't scheduled to work for the next 3 days and that they and her son would be going out of town for those days. I could reach him by his cell phone if needed. The son had a swim meet and they had a couple of other meetings they needed to attend. (I think related to their S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronism) involvement.

After I hung up the phone from the call it really sunk in that there had been no mention or offer of cancelling out on his other plans and coming to see me during his 3 days off. (I wouldn't have expected he could do it in the middle of his work week due to the long distance between us.) So far, I'm the one whose done the driving to meet up with them since I'm single and it's easier for me to make room in my schedule and just pack up and go than to re-arrange 3 other peoples' schedules.

Now would I routinely think he should cancel other commitments to come visit me? NO. But this definitely wasn't a routine week for me and I needed/wanted comfort and support. Why bother having a partner if they can't be there for you (including being physically there for you) in difficult times???? I've been divorced for 8 years and lived on my own for all those years. Yes...I can survive on my own, but I'd like a caring partner(s) to share life with. Could I/Should I have specifically asked him if he would change his plans and come to see me??? Maybe...but in all honesty since he was the one with the plans I would have wanted him to bring it up. And I have a hard time when children are involved in terms of commitments and priorities.


Any thoughts about how to handle this situation??? I want to be "fair" and thoughtful of all partners/children in our poly situation, but I'm sure struggling with this one. And who knows.....maybe he wouldn't have wanted to drive that far and come to see me even if he didn't have any prior commitments or plans with someone else??!!

[Ariakas]

Now would I routinely think he should cancel other commitments to come visit me? NO. But this definitely wasn't a routine week for me and I needed/wanted comfort and support. Why bother having a partner if they can't be there for you (including being physically there for you) in difficult times???? I've been divorced for 8 years and lived on my own for all those years. Yes...I can survive on my own, but I'd like a caring partner(s) to share life with. Could I/Should I have specifically asked him if he would change his plans and come to see me??? Maybe...but in all honesty since he was the one with the plans I would have wanted him to bring it up. And I have a hard time when children are involved in terms of commitments and priorities.


I think thats a fair concern. The idea of having a partner is that they can help. Schedules, while nice to have, should be fluid enough to adapt to special circumstances.

The problem is you not verbalizing your need. Don't assume everyone feels the same sense of urgency or responsibility to people in the hospital. For example. Unless yu verbalize your potential want, you are leaving him to guess. :)

Now that its done, next time you have a date simply bring it up.


Any thoughts about how to handle this situation??? I want to be "fair" and thoughtful of all partners/children in our poly situation, but I'm sure struggling with this one. And who knows.....maybe he wouldn't have wanted to drive that far and come to see me even if he didn't have any prior commitments or plans with someone else??!!

As I said up there, next time mention it to him. Don't expect him to know what you want...that way you don't have to play the guessing game of "why he didn't do it"...

cheers

Ari

[AutumnalTone]

I agree that making one's needs known is important.

I'm concerned, though, that the man didn't even *ask* about whether she wanted company. I can't conceive of any relationship being considered serious with such an obvious lack of concern (or so it appears to me). That speaks to an underlying assumption that she's simply an accessory to his "real life" and not an integral part of his life.

Or I could just be cranky. Seriously. There are folks who post stories on here who tolerate a great deal more nonsense from others than I would (these days, anyway) and I have difficulty understanding why they'd want to continue on in their relationships without some serious, immediate changes. I figure I likely sound horribly cantankerous to some readers because of that.

[redpepper]

The problem is you not verbalizing your need. Don't assume everyone feels the same sense of urgency or responsibility to people in the hospital. For example. Unless yu verbalize your potential want, you are leaving him to guess. :)

I agree, this is what what I would say too. It's up to you to tell people what is going on for you and ask for help and extra support. Tell them why and express your gratitude at having so many people to be there for you. People come out of the wood work when people are in need and ask for help. I can see no reason that anyone should not say what they need and give when they can to other peoples needs when they can too.

[SchrodingersCat]

Yeah, it's hard to tell when someone doesn't do something because of poly, or busy lives, or because they're just insensitive and maybe a little bit selfish.

I have to admit, I usually visit people in the hospital more out of guilt and pity than true compassion. Selfish-only-child-syndrome.

Another issue, a lot of people REALLY HATE hospitals. Obviously the person checked-in isn't so crazy about it either, but a lot of people just really can't handle them. So some people will only visit if it's a life-threatening thing where it might be their last chance to see the patient. Personally, I've always been a little fascinated by hospitals and they never bothered me. I like being confronted by mortality, it reminds me to appreciate life.

[dragonflysky]

WEll it's possible he hates hospitals.....but since's he's a nurse and she's an EMT I don't think things medical bother them in general! ;)

[dragonflysky]

I agree that making one's needs known is important.

I'm concerned, though, that the man didn't even *ask* about whether she wanted company. I can't conceive of any relationship being considered serious with such an obvious lack of concern (or so it appears to me). That speaks to an underlying assumption that she's simply an accessory to his "real life" and not an integral part of his life.

Or I could just be cranky. Seriously. There are folks who post stories on here who tolerate a great deal more nonsense from others than I would (these days, anyway) and I have difficulty understanding why they'd want to continue on in their relationships without some serious, immediate changes. I figure I likely sound horribly cantankerous to some readers because of that.


You hit the nail on the head for me! I keep asking myself if I'd accept this type of response or behavior from a monogamous partner....and I have to say I'm not sure I'd find it desirable in terms of having someone who wasn't more turned into my needs or who would at least ask what I needed from them. I was feeling very vulnerable and not at my best self. I had already told him what was going on with me and he proceeded to tell me their plans to go out of town and that I could be in phone contact with him if needed while they were gone. I didn't feel comfortable at that point in time asking if he'd come to see me instead. It seemed to me that he had made his choice and I didn't want to appear "selfish" by expecting everyone else to change their plans for me.......but I have a feeling a monogamous partner may have done so. At least the type of men I generally have loved in the past would have.

[rolypoly]

This touches a spot in me because I have chronic health issues, so supporting me in some capacity is part of the package deal when getting involved with me. I have amazing friends who help me in various ways, so I always have support around me. I've learned not to place a lot of demand on any one person (like a partner) and to spread out my requests for help among several friends because it can be too much for one person.

I've experienced different kinds of people since dating with a chronic illness. One extreme of a guy saying, "I'm not a nurse" and leaving me when I hit a rough patch and needed help. To another extreme of a guy who was playing out issues from his past and felt he needed to "save" me. And many, many wonderful people who have enjoyed helping me out, knowing I'm there for them when I'm able to be.

So, all that to say that I have a fair bit of experience with how others respond to me when I'm down and out.

I hear what you're saying dragonflysky, about being single and able to care for yourself and not expecting your guy to cancel plans. I also agree that this wasn't a typical scenario and if ever there was a time you needed support/cancelled plans, this was it.

I hear what others are saying about asking for what you need and I typically agree. But, isn't it more applicable to more subtle needs that may not be obvious? Things that need negotiating, etc? In my opinion, if you are in the hospital in pain and feeling vulnerable, there's a pretty obvious need for support and I think it's understandable that you didn't come straight out and ask for him to cancel his plans.

That being said, it really depends. How concerned was he on the phone? What did he express to you? How connected and cared for did you feel? He may know you as someone who takes care of herself and assumed that you would not want the company. He may have thought you were in good hands and not felt he could offer anything. Sometimes, just knowing a person wishes they could be there for me is enough. Knowing they're thinking of me, even if they aren't changing plans to be there. And people know this of me, so they send lots of caring words and thoughts. And I feel loved. :)

From my experience, a person's mettle shows through during tough situations. That's not to say anything about your specific situation, but I would want to know what you can come to expect in terms of support in the future. This is a new relationship, right? I seem to remember that from reading your other posts. I would want to know what you can expect, what you can ask for, how much your well-being matters, etc. He does have other commitments, so it is more complicated and there are more people to consider, but I would want to know how much of a possibility there is in the future that your needs, in a situation like this, would be considered important enough to change plans. How much of the whole package are you a part of?

Hope this helps.

[AutumnalTone]

I had already told him what was going on with me and he proceeded to tell me their plans to go out of town and that I could be in phone contact with him if needed while they were gone.

How long have you been involved with the couple? The only thing I can think of to explain the lack of an offer to visit if needed would be if it were a very new relationship and there hasn't been enough time for much emotional investment. That would require a very new relationship, I'm thinking.

It could be an indication that this couple maintains an emotional distance greater than what you're comfortable with. They might treat each other in the same fashion, which means you're not getting treated any worse; that doesn't eliminate the issue that you're not comfortable with that sort of emotional distance, though.

It could be an indication that they're just never going to consider you as important as other things they've got planned.

I think it's something that needs to be discussed, certainly.

[dragonflysky]

Thanks rp and AT for your thoughtful responses.

Yes, it is a fairly new relationship. I met the guy online through a dating site in Nov., 2009. (I had never heard of polyamory until meeting him.) We had reg. emails and phone calls ( a few calls included her, his "primary" partner) before meeting in person. All three of us met in-person at their home in mid-April and spent a couple of busy, hectic days together. She wasn't around much of the time due to her school and work schedule, but I enjoyed the time I did spend with her and she told our guy she liked me, too. The first week in June I met up with them....along with all her children and her mother...for an S.C.A. event and we spent 5 days camping together. I worked alongside her at various times, having volunteered to help out. The 3 of us had some mis-communications and hurt feelings come up, but overall we were able to talk about them and resolve them. I enjoyed my time with the family, getting to know the others better, too.

During one of the days at the event I brought up to our guy that I felt very much like a secondary and that wasn't the position I wanted to be in in a poly relationship. He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways. (What would often happen is that they would make a decision about where and when to eat, and then ask me and the other family members if we'd like to join them. They talked about if/when he might spend the night with me and then tell me "I think it will work out for us to spend Friday night together. Is that ok with you?" Well, I was never involved in the discussion with them as to if and when we would sleep together at all that week...which I would have preferred.)

My couple met within a polysituation. She was married to another guy and our guy became a third in that relationship. The other guy and she subsequently divorced when he chose to be in a mono relationship. She and our guy remained together and each is interested in finding another partner to form a poly family.

She recently asked to be added as a "Friend" on Facebook, which I was very pleased to do. I noticed on her page that she mentioned having several weekends filled up with events. It then struck me as to "Hey....they've got weekends planned out for the Summer. Where do I fit in???" Since we live 6 hours away from each other it's not like getting together can just happen on a casual spur of the moment basis.

I called our guy last night and told him I'd like to talk with him about some of my concerns related to our relationship and to a poly relationship. They were in the middle of an event that involved her son, so I told him I knew it wasn't a good time to talk, but would appreciate having time to talk with him soon.

Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.

[Honestheart]

relationships in my opinion are give and take, support, sharing, loving.... you're in the hospital unexpectedly, of course it is ok to want your guy there.
but i think it is important not to assume. perhaps your guys thought phone calls were enuff support? has this happened before?
in my humble opinion, its important to communicate and in this case be blunt... say "i need you to be here for me, even if it is just for a short time..." buthe in turn needs to communicate with his SO.
and not just what u need but what do the 3 of you need.
i was a secondary in my last poly relationship and on 3 distinct occasions in 3 yrs i had my guy there for me asap because i communicated to him "i need you here" and his SO was ok with it because we all communicated ahead and during said crisis....

[rolypoly]

He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways.


dragonflysky, I relate to a lot of what you write. The dynamic is completely different coming into an already established relationship. While there are aspects with you and him (and you and her) that are so new, part of the relationship (him and her) is established.

I think you're doing well. You are asking to have a conversation about what you need to talk about. You're also understanding their time constraints and other commitments.

I'm very lucky with Nerdist because he makes such an effort without me even asking to accommodate me, to fit me in, make time in his busy schedule to talk to me or see me, and to fill me in on things that are going on. He hears me and genuinely wants to know how I'm doing. I never question how he feels.

I wonder how you and your guy can talk about what secondary/primary means to him. If you both seem to want to be primary with each other, what does that look like to you and what does it look like to him to have two primaries? Has he thought about how to balance his commitments in situations like this? When the relationship is less new, will there be a time when he can/will change plans when/if you really need him? Etc...

Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.

Yeah, it can be, eh?! I can only give you the same advice I've been giving myself. Take everything one day at a time and really check in with yourself regularly. I'm finding I need to ask myself regularly, "Is this something that feels uncomfortable because it's new? Or am I compromising myself?".

[Mohegan]

I can honestly say I feel for you. Like Roly I have a lot of chronic medical problems and it takes a lot for someone to be involved with me. I'm currently only with my husband, but even for his relationships it has to be considered. They have to know that if I can't move, or am in the hospital, dates will be broken as he will be with me.

That being said, if his g/f needs him, at no time have I said no I'm more important. There was a night a few weeks ago that she needed him and I was in horrific pain. He has NEVER left me when I have hurt that bad, but I knew he needed to go to her. I asked him to get what I may need while he was gone-water, snacks, medication,etc. and let him go.

Honestly if she were in the hospital. we'd probably both be there, and I don't really like being around her at the moment. But she is a part of my husbands life. Part of what makes him happy. I owe her for that.

Granted she lives 30min from us and we don't have kids to take into account, but we go home to ohio quite a bit and that is a 6hr drive. I've done some thinking on it, after reading your posts and honestly if she were hospitalized for unknown reasons, we'd head back here so he could be with her.

The fact that he didn't even ask just blows my mind. If I were dating someone, I'd want both of them with me if I were in the hospital, esp if they didn't know what was wrong!! We seek out relationships to fulfill needs. And one of those needs is to be taken care of. To have someone we depend on there, even just to hold our hand.

Granted , I don't know your whole situation, but I have to agree with those saying it sounds like you are a second thought to him. That just isn't right in my book.

[Karma]

Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help :)

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.

[rolypoly]

Hi Mohegan, I'm glad you wrote something here. :) And nice to meet your hubby, Karma. Takes a while to piece everyone all together. :)

[dragonflysky]

Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help :)

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.

I must admit I'm starting to feel more like a "plaything". Even after calling him earlier this week and telling him I'd like to talk about some concerns I had about poly and our relationship but that I knew right then wasn't a good time (they were just finishing up a sporting event her son was in), he has yet to call me back. And that was 4 days ago. I tried to call him again last night and left a message that I'd like to talk with him. He didn't return my call. I think this relationship is rapidly falling apart.

Thanks to each of you for your support and feedback.

[rolypoly]

I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all. :)

[dragonflysky]

I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all. :)

Thanks r.p. Anytime I can learn about something that expands the heart is positive.

[dragonflysky]

Well....he and I finally had a long talk about our relationship dynamics and poly. It came up when I had the opportunity to interview for a job that could involve me relocating close to where they live. (We've discussed this as a possibility, in theory, in the past.) What I'm finding out is that while this couple has had some poly experience...they haven't had a lot. And all along I've been "assuming" (and we all know what assuming can do! ;) ) that they were quite experienced in poly and working issues out.

One thing I'm finding out is that both he and she have been in marriages (not with each other) where they felt stifled and controlled by their spouses. Each felt taken for granted by their exs. I've been married twice and must say that has not been my experience. I never felt like my exs were trying to control who I was or where I went. I never felt taken for granted and always tried to keep things fresh and romantic in our relationships. (I don't know for sure how my exs felt, but neither ever complained about those type of issues. Of course since we're divorced...who knows??:rolleyes:)

Anyhow....for the first time he shared some of his deep feelings for me....said he misses me...and really thinks it could work out for all of us eventually to be a "family". I'm still not certain....but I'm not giving up on the idea totally.

[Karma]

Talk is cheap, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's lying. Don't get all attached to him/them until he proves that he wants you to actually be a part of their lives. Actions speak louder than words.

[dragonflysky]

Talk is cheap, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's lying. Don't get all attached to him/them until he proves that he wants you to actually be a part of their lives. Actions speak louder than words.

So very true Karma.

[LovingRadiance]

I have had a lot of health issues this last year. This topic came up because GG (boyfriend) who I've had a relationship with to some degree or another behaved and felt like "as long as Maca (husband) is there, she doesn't need me".
I was DEVASTATED.
To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

In all honesty-this lack of "stepping up to the responsibilities" is the exact reason why I broke up with GG 2 days ago. Because for me-there isn't room for a relationship in my life where both partners aren't willing to prioritize taking responsibility for each other.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...

[dragonflysky]

To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...


I appreciate your feedback LovingRadiance. I know that I, too, would give either/both of them priority if there was a family or health emergency. And...yes...I, too, would hope that poly would be an opportunity for more support...especially since he's referring to us potentially as a "family" (sister-wife sort of thing.) Sometimes I wonder if they're not more concerned about never being in a relationship again where they feel like they're being "controlled" by a committed partner than the ability to love more than one person at a time.:confused:

[Livingmybestlife]

I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.

[Sorcha17]

I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.
LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.

BTW what is a DH? Husband?
Fear of controlling/laying on the guilt is what we are talking here correct? I just cannot imagine any excuse being good enough to completely ignore your responsibility to be there for your spouse/bf/gf/SO/OSO. I don't think it is the responsibility of the injured or ill to ask to clarify what they need from a SO at that particular time, they are sick for goodness sake. I mean doesn't anyone think that by being in a relationship it automatically makes you somewhat responsible to the other's basic needs being met?:confused:

[Ariakas]

LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.

Ok I deleted what I originally wrote because I realize it was going to go strongly against the grain. I still don't believe your sentiment is true. And I hope I can explain it

As a guy whose wife has an illness that requires a lot of attention sometimes, I hear about pain, pills, doctors and sickness daily. Every day...not a break. When I take on a secondary, as I believe was the case, I will need to be communicated to that persons specific level of pain/sickness needs. I CAN'T guess. I am far from a Neanderthal and far from self centred. However my tolerance of pain and requirements of comforting are different than, say my wife. There is never a time when communicating your needs is bad...with my own wife, she needs to be clear, if I jumped everytime she had a flareup or pain, or became exhausted, I would become a nurse mother. Something she doesn't need, so she needs to communicate to me her problems, preferably with a level of how much it hurts.

Ideally, I will ask, and I probably will...but not everyone will. Not everyone is cognizant of sickness. So its always safe to communicate the problem.


BTW what is a DH? Husband?

Dear husband if my googling doesn't lie :)

Hope that was a good counter point to what you were saying, which I do understand btw. There may be a back story as to why someone doesn't jump everytime they hear about a persons pain or hospital visit.

Ari

[Livingmybestlife]

Sorry DH is a commonly known as dear husband
DS dear son
DW dear wife
dd dear daughter

I have great support with my condition. Even my dogs give support. Sometimes my body takes on the ambient temperature. So the dogs laying against me can really help.

[LovingRadiance]

Ari-
I agree, communication is necessary.
For me I guess I was thinking in terms of myself-well I know I was, because I was expressing the situation I had.
I am VERY GOOD about communicating what I want/need before the fact.
Everyone in my life knows that I expect that both my DH and my BF (now ex) are BOTH fully responsible to me and the family and I to both of them and the family in all those ways.
BUT-there is no way to know what the expectations are if you don't discuss it in advance and I totally agree with you, there is no replacement for communication.

[Mohegan]

I tend not to hover when ppl are ill or in pain, imply b/c I am always ill or in pain and I HATE when people hover of me. I'm sick, not an invalid. Karma asks every morning- how are you feeling today-and we go from there. It gives me the chance to say if I think I'll need extra help, and puts him on the same page so he isn't left to assume.

But I still stand by the fact that if any of us were in the hosp, we'd drop whatever we could to be there. Hospital stays are much different than chronic illness.

I like LR expect anyone I or Karma are in a relationship with to be comitted to the family as much as we are to theirs. Yes needs need to be expressed and communication key, but I just find it unaaceptable to not be there for a SO who is having a medical (or any other for that matter) crisis.

[dragonflysky]

When I stop and think about it...I have a couple of good female friends who live near me and I didn't have to ask them or tell them I wanted/needed them to come and see me in the hospital. And....we have never discussed what our wants and needs are as friends related to when one of us is ill or hospitalized. (I hadn't been admitted to a hospital since having had my last child 24 years ago!) Admittedly they live near me, but it was still an 1 and 1/2 hour drive for them to come to the hospital and see me...after they had worked their full work week and have spouses and families to care for. They called me and said they were coming to see me when their work week was done and apologized that they couldn't be there sooner. Then when they got to the hospital and I was struggling with getting adequate medical care where I was at they told me "If you want to leave and go to another hospital you just tell us where and we'll drive you there." I decided to stay where I was after a discussion with the doctor.

My friends went on to do some shopping in another town that was one hour away. On their way back home they stopped back at the hospital to drop off some new pajamas they'd bought me because "You shouldn't have to go around with your backside hanging out in one of those horrible hospital gowns." Bless their hearts and thoughtfulness. I hadn't complained about the gown. I had gone in on an emergency basis and "it was what it was." But it sure felt good...more comfortable and humanizing...to get into my new pajamas!

One of their sons (18 years old) had come along so he could drive my car back home from the hospital rather than have it sit any longer in the parking lot. (And that son and his brother proceeded to wash and clean my car after taking it home because "we feel so bad for your friend, mom, and we just want to do something for her.") I also had several people from work tell me they were upset that I hadn't called them to have them drive me to the hospital ER when I was first admitted. (I hadn't wanted to bother anybody because I knew they had to go to work, and I wasn't really sure my condition was all that bad or serious.) I have no family near where I live. I live in Utah and most of my family lives back in Michigan.

It may be that since our guy is a nurse who works in the ER and she is a paramedic that their sense of urgency around medical issues is very different because of the critical nature of those they care for. But.....that doesn't meet my need for love and support when I'm struggling. And, I sure could have used a strong medical advocate because the hospital staff wasn't able to determine what was going on. I felt they weren't being very aggressive in their diagnostic attempts and were not doing very well with pain management. (This was a small hospital in rural Utah) I had discussed this situation with my guy on the phone while in the hospital. He was shocked at how lacking in knowledge and modern techniques for diagnosis and pain management this hospital was. A doctor I saw after my discharge from the hospital expressed similar thoughts and concerns, and even went so far as to say one of the pain meds they had given me was contraindicated for what they thought might be causing my pain.

[Livingmybestlife]

Dragonflysky,

I was just asking if when you discussed your relationship with your guy, if you let him know how you felt about the disregard you felt about your illness.

That they wouldn't even offer to have one come and the other go to the swimmeet.

LYB

[rabbit]

It may be that since our guy is a nurse who works in the ER and she is a paramedic that their sense of urgency around medical issues is very different because of the critical nature of those they care for.

I think it is very generous for you to be giving them the benefit of the doubt, but it makes me mad on your behalf that two medical workers wouldn't come see you. I worked in a hospital for four years and because of that I would never let anyone I cared about be alone in the hospital. I have seen what insane things can go on (and I was at a top rated teaching hospital, one of the "best" ones) and would never let a loved one navigate that environment without an advocate. Now I'm all ready to kick some ass on your behalf :rolleyes:

Anyway, I hope everything works out how you want it to and that they step up and realize what they should have done.

[dragonflysky]

Dragonflysky,

I was just asking if when you discussed your relationship with your guy, if you let him know how you felt about the disregard you felt about your illness.

That they wouldn't even offer to have one come and the other go to the swimmeet.

LYB


No I didn't bring up the hospital incident. By the time we finally got to talk it was long done and over with...and I hate dragging up the past.

Part of it is my struggle with asking for help. I have old messages running around in my head about being "too clingy" or "too needy". No one has ever accused me of this, but the thoughts are there. I feel so damn vulnerable when I ask for help. And allowing myself to be more vulnerable is a work in progress for me. I'm making progress, but have a ways to go.

I had told him prior to the whole hospital incident that I felt more like a "secondary" in his life and didn't want to be in that role in a poly relationship. I told him that I wanted to be taken into consideration more in their decision making, to be more of an active partner in it, and that I wanted more than once a week phone contact with him since it's the only way we have to communicate regularly. (He's not fond of email. I had already made the request for more frequent contact....with him taking more initiative in making calls...a few months before that. He said he would try and do better at that time, but it didn't change much.) He told me he didn't intend for me to feel that way, and that the type of poly relationships he and his current partner were seeking were more as a "polyfamily", "sister-wife", "brother-husband" type of thing.

Sometimes I think that I'm so damn busy trying to be "fair"...and not "selfish"... with everyone else that I'm not fair to myself! (Probably the therapist in me coming out! ;) )

[Livingmybestlife]

Thanks for answering. I understand where your coming from. Trying to be fair to everyone sometimes results in your needs not being met. Remember in the long wrong if you state you needs in a good way, then you don't have unreal expectations or resentments when unknown needs aren't met.

[FireChild]

My husband hates hospitals. His father went on a trip and his mother snuck and had him committed. (She lied and said he threatened and attempted to kill himself.) There was a paperwork error and he got stuck in the next state over for about a week until his dad could get him out. The facility he went to didn't really focus on therapy and just pumped folks full of drugs. (I'm going somewhere with this I promise.)

Almost two weeks ago I had horrible shoulder pain to the point where I couldn't drive. I went to the ER via ambulance. The hospital is on the same base he works at and I called his job to let him know I was fine, didn't need him there and to make sure to pick me up before he left base.

He RACED to his car. Passed a mutual friend of ours and he told me later he's NEVER seen my husband move like that. Drove to the hospital and was sitting outside of radiology waiting on me. Last week they stuck a needle in my shoulder to inject steroids to reduce inflammation. He was sitting right there in the exam room holding my hand. Even those hospitals make him hyperventilate, he was still there. I asked him about it, because in addition to the fear of hospitals and needles; he was also on duty that day which is a large part of why I asked the person who answered the phone not to have him come. You know what he said?

I joined the military for my family. You're my family and you come first.


You deserve that. It is SHIT that he didn't even express upset that he couldn't be there for you. SHIT. You deserve to be the primary you're looking to be and as for the behavior at the event...unless you've established a set up as a submissive that's some mess. Yall are all adults and they treated you like a child. Bunk.

[dragonflysky]

...You deserve to be the primary you're looking to be......

Thanks for the reminder and support, FireChild. I do deserve it! I have a lot to offer the right person(s) and relationship(s). :D

[FireChild]

No problem! :hugs