BBC Documentary: "I Love You And You And You - End of Monogamy"

[Tonberry]

Has anyone seen this BBC documentary? My husband has just heard about it the other day, and I searched for it in the forums but the only result that came up was a Calgary article with a similar name. I'm very curious about the documentary and how it's portrayed. Trying to see if I can find it somewhere, in the meantime if anyone has seen it I'd love to hear about comments.

A growing number of people are choosing a new way of life. They have rejected monogamy and turned their backs on conventional relationships. They believe their lifestyle is the future. They believe in polyamory.

Polyamory is the philosophy and practice of loving more than one. It means you no longer have to make do with one partner. You can have two or three, and so on without fear of jealousy or reprisal, and so can your partner.

With divorce rates almost up to one in two and 60% of couples having affairs, this fascinating film follows two ‘polyamorous’ families to see whether this growing subculture really could be a justifiable alternative to monogamy…?

[Ariakas]

This is available on various torrent sites. You may be able to find it and download it :)

I haven't heard about this but I plan to find it

http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-love-you-and-you-and-you.html

Looks like it is a few years old, not many feeds anywhere I can find. Something to do tonight I suppose, me V google..

[Tonberry]

Thanks for that link, it's pretty interesting.

I'm not surprised that the more "boring" relationships (because they were drama-free or not "weird" or complicated enough) were dropped from the documentary, or that it was edited to make it look a certain way. This usually happen in documentaries since they care about ratings and want to make it sound all exciting, but they also don't want to be called immoral or anything so they do state their opinion in "the status quo is better" as much as they can.

I'm still curious to see it as I'm relatively new to polyamory, and new as far as actually living it. I'll just remember to take everything with a pound of salt, as usual in this kind of things.

[Ariakas]

wohoo found it, I almost gave up the google fight

http://vimeo.com/10523222

If you use firefox, find the video download tool that you can install and download the video to watch at your own pace :)

It is also on youtube, but the quality was bunk

[Tonberry]

Thanks! I'll take a look.

[WaywardDruid]

I've made a DvD of this along with the Montel Williams show where he featured Polyamory.

If anyone would like a free copy of this PM me with an address you feel comfortable about giving and I'll snail-mail you one.

Don't let the FBI know .. they are out to get me I tell you.... out to get me.

Just Me,
Tim

[Morningglory629]

I've made a DvD of this along with the Montel Williams show where he featured Polyamory.

If anyone would like a free copy of this PM me with an address you feel comfortable about giving and I'll snail-mail you one.

Don't let the FBI know .. they are out to get me I tell you.... out to get me.

Just Me,
Tim

Thanks Techno geeks! I love when someone else does the research work and all I have to do is point and click...brings the frustration level down!:D

[booklady78]

My two cents :P

I can't say I was overly pleased with the documentary. Although it was cool to see a doc focus on some of the positive aspects of poly stuffs, the family they focused on (Quad with a man and 3 women) really rubbed me the wrong way.

I know, I know, 'my poly' is not 'their poly' and what they are doing works for them so all the more power to them.

The things that seemed to 'irk' me were:

- that by his own admission, the husband did not 'allow' the women in the quad to have outside relationships.

- even though 2 of the women were not particularly fond of each other, everyone shared the same bed. No personal space or privacy at all seems strange to me. I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone I didn't feel comfortable with. And the 2 'girlfriends' got kicked out of bed at 6am each morning for the following reason...

- their kids were not aware of the arrangement (which I understand has it's practicalities, I just find it odd to have a living arrangement that's so secretive).

- this is just my opinion, but it irked me that the latest girlfriend in the picture was there on admittedly 'trial' basis, it was unknown if she was going to fit in with their dynamic. With kids involved, it just seemed reckless to toss someone into that arrangement of living together after only a few months of dating.

My other critique was the big, free love gathering at the end, complete with naked people dancing around. It did give the impression that poly folks are all free love hippies running around naked having sex with everyone... That poly sure as heck ain't my poly! ;) No one will see my butt dancing around in a field in front of anyone, even those I love dearly :P

I really liked one of the other families they featured, a V triad with a woman and 2 men. Perhaps because I related to them the most.

Regardless of my own views on the doc, I would recommend a viewing just to see what your take on it is.

[WaywardDruid]

I too didn't really think that the Quad was really a Poly relationship. I thought it felt more like a Mormon Polygamy situation rather then true Polyamory.

If I was one of the females involved in such a relationship I'd be running for the Hills weaving and ducking all the way.

Just another selfish insecure male notching the bedpost was my gut reaction.

Just My 2cents Worth,
Tim

[Tonberry]

The blog has comments about that family, including that man explaining things.

Apparently his wife was the one to ask, being bisexual and poly, if he'd be okay with her having a girlfriend. They ended up agreeing on a closed triad.
The first girlfriend didn't work out for the triad but his wife decided she didn't want to break up the relationship between the girlfriend and her husband just because he didn't work out with her.
Then they had a second "try" for their triad.
The original plan was a closed triad (with nobody allowed to have sex with anyone outside of it) and it ended up slightly different, but still there was no plans to add more people to the relationship if the triad worked this time, it would be the four of them, and that's it.

So while they're not allowed to have sex with other men, he's not allowed to have sex with people outside the triad+1 too. And considering he doesn't like men, a men can't enter their relationship since the basis was that everyone was with everyone.

I might have some details wrong, but the comments on the blog linked were, I feel, very interesting. It also seems they decided not to show several of the filmed families because they were too "normal" (I guess not enough "drama" to show on TV).
Also, at the time of the comment on the blogs the children knew about the relationship.

Anyways, I think you can always expect documentaries like that to select and twist as much as they can to fit the point they want to make. It wasn't in their interest to explain exactly how the relationship worked since they liked the "he's a polygamist" aspect of it, apparently.

[Rarechild]

Of course I ask not really expecting an answer because of possible privacy issues, but I'm curious.

I thought it was well done for the most part, and found it especially interesting how much footage of mundane activities like taking out the trash and swiffering the floor there was. Did anyone else get the feeling that there was an attempt there to sort of "humanize" polys by showing them doing their chores like everybody else?

Another weird thing for me- why was the only perspective from the outside presented from the point of view of elderly couples? I think younger monogamous couples would have given a bit more of a provocative response than "Oh, I can't imagine!".

Anyways, thanks for the link and I enjoyed watching this, even though I feel a little funny about it.
-R

P.S. I, too, would be horrified to be at that gathering with the bouncing naked people. That's just me.

[thunkybunny]

"Alpha males" piss me off to no end. I strive for equality in my friendships. Jerome, the self-identified insecure alpha male, is exactly the kind of person I would not want anything to do with in any context. I'm puzzled as to why so many women find such men attractive.

[rpcrazy]

research what an "alpha male" is, and all you'll have answered your own question.

[Ariakas]

the self-identified insecure alpha male


Which is almost an oxymoron.

I'm puzzled as to why so many women find such men attractive.

I'm not sure why you are puzzled. Confident people are attractive. Alpha males by their vary nature have some degree of confidence. I am only attracted to people with confidence.

Barring their differing communication styles of course. You can be an alpha male and not be a giant douche.

[thunkybunny]

Which is almost an oxymoron.



I'm not sure why you are puzzled. Confident people are attractive. Alpha males by their vary nature have some degree of confidence. I am only attracted to people with confidence.

Barring their differing communication styles of course. You can be an alpha male and not be a giant douche.

That's the puzzle. Jerome called himself an "alpha male", but he also said he would feel "insecure" if he allowed his "submissive women" to date other men. It appears that neither the alpha male nor the submissive women have much self-confidence.

Maybe that's it. Alpha males and submissive women are attracted to each other because they feel comfortable with their common lack of confidence.

Like attracts like. Birds of a feather flock together. Insecurity attracts insecurity.

[Ariakas]

That's the puzzle. Jerome called himself an "alpha male", but he also said he would feel "insecure" if he allowed his "submissive women" to date other men. It appears that neither the alpha male nor the submissive women have much self-confidence.

That is definitely backwards.

It actually sounds like what he is talking about being a beta male in reality, knowing this and locking his tribe onto himself. By doing this he eliminates the actual alpha males due to a lack of choice "his" women have. He is alpha in his group, but really he isn't. This will come to bite him in his butt in the end I imagine :)

In one of the links I posted he does respond to questions like this. Apparently he really got ripped into by the poly community for his narrow minded view of poly. Look under comments on the poly perc site I think

[thunkybunny]

That is definitely backwards.

It actually sounds like what he is talking about being a beta male in reality, knowing this and locking his tribe onto himself. By doing this he eliminates the actual alpha males due to a lack of choice "his" women have. He is alpha in his group, but really he isn't. This will come to bite him in his butt in the end I imagine :)

In one of the links I posted he does respond to questions like this. Apparently he really got ripped into by the poly community for his narrow minded view of poly. Look under comments on the poly perc site I think

Yeah, it sounds like they made their agreements around insecurities instead of love. If it works, good luck to them. I think it's a maladaptive way to go about relationships.

[Ariakas]

Maybe that's it. Alpha males and submissive women are attracted to each other because they feel comfortable with their common lack of confidence.


Please don't generalize Alpha males...:)...as with any ranking system, any level can have their douches. I can identify with being an alpha male (bdsm play, sexually, computers etc) and I have a lot of confidence and don't believe I am an ass...I could be wrong of course :D haha.

Unless I am misreading what you are saying


Like attracts like. Birds of a feather flock together. Insecurity attracts insecurity.

Agreed :)

Of course the interesting part of even using alpha beta as reference points is it implies we still rely on instinct for our ranking systems. When in reality intelligence blows most of that natural selection out of the water. Put me in a computer lab, I will be alpha...stick me on a farm with some cowboys and cowgirls, I am not alpha. Confidence in your subject almost has to be the defining piece.

[Ariakas]

Yeah, it sounds like they made their agreements around insecurities instead of love. If it works, good luck to them. I think it's a maladaptive way to go about relationships.

Agreed :)

[rpcrazy]

i hate doing it because I'm at work at couldn't watch the video...and guys who look like "jerome" i usually hate. However after reading the blog, jerome and several people who knew the family chimed in. It seems the negative connotations are all bbc's fault for editing certain key points.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-love-you-and-you-and-you.html
^ the blog again

I don't think he's the polygamist asshole everyone is making him out to be :/ besides...guys get jealous when they see a dude, with that money women. However they forget he has to deal with 3 pms'...

[alexasmith]

Hi !! Thanks for the sharing.........

[marz]

Thanks for sharing. The documentary was interesting and well put together, but the quad family didn't really suit well with me. It seemed more like traditional Mormon Polygamy than Polyamory. I'm bisexual and can't imagine being in a relationship that restricts me from having sex with men. That's just craziness. On a side note, I like the first couple more. They seem so much more open and honest. It's the kind of relationship I strive for.