Getting into a relationship with a married person

[rolypoly]

Mono wrote in another thread, (hope you don't mind Mono):

Here's the big thing - I was in a traditional mono marriage for a very long time. I don't feel like I am missing that part of my life as I already had it. If I didn't have that background I highly doubt this would have become so deep. I'm quite certain I would have wanted all the family, social and instant community acceptance that comes with monogamy. This is one of the big reasons I struggle with the idea of a person entering into a relationship with a married person before they get to experience what the vast majority has. There is the "grass is greener" idea that I believe will raise its head. I've been on both sides of the grass. That's life experience that can't be explained but has to be experienced to be understood.

This is another thing I need to talk about and instead of hijacking that thread, I'm making a new one.

I can really see the wisdom in this, Mono. The new life you've started with RP and Polynerdist would have meant something very different had you done it during another phase in life - not having been married and had your own child.

In some ways, I'm in that phase of life. I'm still young enough that I could have children and have my own biological family. Since I was 16, I've wanted kids of my own. But, now I'm 32 and it hasn't happened for me yet. There are many reasons for this.

For one, I've struggled with relationships. They just never fit. There are many reasons for this too. For one, I was poly and didn't fit into monogamous models. But, not acknowledging my poly nature didn't manifest in a way that was obvious. It wasn't as straightforward as being in a relationship and having feelings for someone else. That would have been more clear.

At 21, I was engaged and I did do a lot of squirming about wanting to stay "free" and needing to still flirt. Not wanting to be trapped or limited. But, it wasn't obvious to me that this was coming from the need to be poly.

I also struggled with relationships because at 24, I discovered that I had a serious health condition that would be with me the rest of my life. I lost a lot of my self-confidence after having to give up University, after losing my circle of friends and basically dropping out of my life because I became disabled. So, for years afterwards, I dated, quite honestly, people that were "not in my league" because I didn't feel that I had much to offer and kept settling for less.

I now know my own worth and know that I have a heck of a lot to offer. Yes, I do require accommodation from the people in my life and it takes some time to get used to my particular needs. And yes, I know I'm worth all of it and I work just as hard to learn their needs as well.

Focusing so much on getting well for the years that I did also meant that starting a family was out of the question. I didn't have the energy. There is also a big question as to whether or not I can even conceive. I don't know because I've never tried, but part of me is very afraid that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, let alone carry out a pregnancy.

And now, I have feelings for someone who is married and has a kid. And my perspective about this is a little different than what you wrote Mono because obviously, getting married and having my own children isn't as clearcut for me.

I've been searching myself about this a lot the past week. Nothing's to say that being in a relationship with someone who is married precludes getting married and even having children. Things would most definitely change, there would probably be a lot of difficult transitioning to do, but ultimately, I see that if there is commitment from everyone involved and a lot of honest communication, dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities.

All that being said, in fact, the possibility of entering into a relationship with someone who has a family actually feels nice because I don't have a family, not despite it. And I'm wanting to be careful about this because I want to be very respectful of the family that is already established.

I've nannied for several families over the past few years and with each and every one of them, the kids adored me, I adored them and I just loved having some part in helping them grow up. A few of them offered for me to come live with them. This was always very flattering for me, but I was always clear in myself that I wanted my own family, not to be a temporary accessory. I just never fit. I hid parts of myself - mostly my relationship style because they were all traditional, straight and monogamous. I was dating women, dating more than one person at a time and I knew that even if they accepted this part of me, I still didn't fit.

Mono, if entering into your relationship with RP was even remotely as intense as what I'm feeling right now, I have a whole lotta respect for you, man!

roly

[LovingRadiance]

Roly this is a big deal. :)
It's good for you to see it, and acknowledge YOUR part in it as well as acknowledging the already existing family's part in it.

Maca and I had a family as well. When GG decided to be with me, he gained OUR family, but he also gave up having a family "all his own" so to speak.
Not that he couldn't marry someone and start a family (well could have) but he would always have a SHARED family (now he's fixed but that's another story).

It was REALLY a struggle for his friends/family, even Maca to understand how he could make that choice. But for him (and my sister too) they consider these kids to be their own-even though the children aren't biologically theirs (the little one is bio-child of gg's, but none are my sisters). The kids as well consider all four of us parents...

So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with). :)

[SchrodingersCat]

Along the same lines, my husband had some hesitance to marry me because of the fact that I had not yet gone through a major life crisis. He was worried that, since I'm fairly young (late 20's) and haven't had a crisis yet, that when I inevitably did, I would change so much as a person that I would no longer want to be with him. I guess it's a little naive for me to say that's hogwash, even though it's how I feel. I don't share his belief that everyone has to go through a major crisis to become their new self. I think it can be a gradual process, provided you have the awareness to make conscious decision rather than just reacting to your surroundings.

This isn't exactly what you were saying, but it seems to be along the same lines... about whether you can be prepared for a certain type of relationship before having gone through some set of experiences to see what "the other side" is like.

[redpepper]

so glad you are writing all this out. I am interested to see what happens next and to hear what you say... my boy thinks you are awesome btw :) I judge a lot by how he gets a long with people in my life. As does Nerdist. His gut reaction to people is very important to us.

And yes, it was as intense for Mono, I can vouch for that! It still is as we move to another phase of living together and all that implies.... even deeper commitment to each other, to Nerdist, to our child and to all that we have together.

[MonoVCPHG]

Mono, if entering into your relationship with RP was even remotely as intense as what I'm feeling right now, I have a whole lotta respect for you, man!

roly

Redpepper is completely right about the intensity of starting and committing to a relationship with Redpepper. Admittedly the source of that intensity was almost solely derived from the mono/poly aspect of our relationship.

There's a lot of questions you'll probably have that I didn't have to ask myself. The wonderful thing is no matter what questions you have, you will be able to draw upon at least three people who genuinely care about you for support. The fastest way to get to the otherside of difficult questions is simply to open up and ask them. Once they are out there the only thing left is discussion and answers:)

You already are friends with everyone involved and there is already compatable energy I believe (energy is unbelievably important in my opinion)...similar to how Derbylicious and Redpepper's realtionship is evolving. We all cared about each other before so to transition into something closer is different than the inclussion of an "unknown" person. To me this generates a level of compersion already...The benefits in that are amazing!

Ask questions RolyPoly....this can be a lot smoother than it is often made :)

[NeonKaos]

So are rolypoly and polynerdist becoming girlfriend and boyfriend?

Because that is what it is sounding like to me, from reading between the lines. Correct me if I am wrong.

[redpepper]

Not to put words in their mouth, but as far as I have heard they are "seeing if there is something worth pursuing." many things are a factor as roly indicates, but they certainly care about one another and roly and us seem to make a good fit, as we seem to in her life. So far anyway :) early days yet.

[NeonKaos]

Not to put words in their mouth, but as far as I have heard they are "seeing if there is something worth pursuing." many things are a factor as roly indicates, but they certainly care about one another and roly and us seem to make a good fit, as we seem to in her life. So far anyway :) early days yet.

Yea, I thought that was what was going on. :cool: You guys are about as subtle as a gaggle of teenage girls at Beatles concert.

[redpepper]

What's the éttiquette with all that anyway. I never know. Like, should one start a new thread or tell their community in some kind of announcement that they may or not be starting a relationship with someone?

[NeonKaos]

What's the éttiquette with all that anyway. I never know. Like, should one start a new thread or tell their community in some kind of announcement that they may or not be starting a relationship with someone?

I didn't mean it like that. I simply meant that it's pretty obvious from the way you guys have been talking in your posts, you might as well come right out and refer to each other by name.

[redpepper]

Oh I know what you are saying ygirl. Just that often times I have found that I don't know what is going on for people in my community. Why is that? Are we all so afraid of stepping on toes, trying to be respectful, don't want to sound like we are bragging or making our out our lives are better than others? How does one announce that they may or may not start a deeper relationship with someone without it becoming something it was never meant to be or without it coming off wrong somehow. Do you know what I mean?

When I became interested in derby and we decided to see if there was something worth looking into between us I remember a distinct line being crossed between that feeling of "this ones different" and bam! We're girlfriends. Not just, we're dating, but it became something much bigger in one moment of someone asking if we are together. Not that I am objecting Ygirl, just making an observation. There was a moment in me that made me want to back away because I felt I should commit to something deeper than I was aware I wanted to yet. Now I'm in a position that because its all out that we are together I can breath easy again. The bar has been set and we just have to move toward that first rung.

Its hard to explain. Does anyone get what I am saying?

Sorry rolypoly, we are getting off course with this perhaps. Maybe? Maybe not?

[NeonKaos]

That's grooovy! I'm happy for all of you wherever you end up. Enjoy the journey!

[rolypoly]

Roly this is a big deal. :)
It's good for you to see it, and acknowledge YOUR part in it as well as acknowledging the already existing family's part in it.

Maca and I had a family as well. When GG decided to be with me, he gained OUR family, but he also gave up having a family "all his own" so to speak.
Not that he couldn't marry someone and start a family (well could have) but he would always have a SHARED family (now he's fixed but that's another story).

It was REALLY a struggle for his friends/family, even Maca to understand how he could make that choice. But for him (and my sister too) they consider these kids to be their own-even though the children aren't biologically theirs (the little one is bio-child of gg's, but none are my sisters). The kids as well consider all four of us parents...

So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with). :)


I agree. Fit is important. Over the years I've thought a lot about how to have children in my life if having my own biological children didn't pan out. And I've come to accept that if I don't ever birth my own child, that's ok. Sometimes it's hard, but having a chronic illness will always be sometimes hard.

I know that whatever happens, I won't be "giving up" on having kids. Both in the sense that dating Nerdist (since everyone knows now anyway, sheesh) won't mean that I can't pursue whatever else life brings. And in the sense that I am not sacrificing my own desire for a family to be with someone. It's highly possible that I can't conceive and it's often true that I just don't have enough energy to keep up with a kid. I worry that it wouldn't be fair to them.

It feels more like I would be adapting the "hows" of it all.

LR, did you and GG end up having a child together also? Or am I getting confused? Personally, I've often dreamed and become all googly eyed over the years, at the possibility of sharing a big family with kids who all belong to each other, rather than solely to their biological parents.

I kind of grew up that way. My dad left when I was 2 and my mom and I lived with various combinations of her sisters, her friends and her mom. It feels more natural that way.

[MonoVCPHG]

Holy Crap :eek: RolyPoly is dating Nerdist?!! I didn't get the memo :rolleyes:

[rolypoly]

This isn't exactly what you were saying, but it seems to be along the same lines... about whether you can be prepared for a certain type of relationship before having gone through some set of experiences to see what "the other side" is like.

I get what you're saying. At this point in my life, I feel like I've had a whole heck of a lot of painful, traumatic, life-altering, character-building, enriching experiences. Holy! And come out the other side much better for it all.

I can see why your husband would feel that way. And I'm also glad that it seems to have panned out that your "lack" of experience didn't completely deter him. Have you found yourself changing over time in any major ways?

[redpepper]

me neither! you're dating my husband?! :eek: oh all right, I will let you :p

[LovingRadiance]

Yes Roly-

It's a complicated story, but the littlest one is biologically GG and mine's child.
She calls Maca daddy-just like the other kids do.
Funny detail-the boys are both biologically Maca's-neither of the girls are. But they ALL call Maca daddy and they ALL call me mommy (3 are biologically mine).
They all call GG by his given name and they all know that he is the bio dad of the little one.
No secrets here.

;)

It's a beautiful thing.

[rolypoly]

Ok, yes, Roly has a big crush on Nerdist. Better?

Holy Crap :eek: RolyPoly is dating Nerdist?!! I didn't get the memo :rolleyes:

Oh hardy har.

me neither! you're dating my husband?! :eek: oh all right, I will let you :p

YGirl was right. We're worse than a gaggle of teenagers at a Beatles concert.

How does one announce that they may or may not start a deeper relationship with someone without it becoming something it was never meant to be or without it coming off wrong somehow. Do you know what I mean?

Yes!! Living in a community with 400 people, things get around FAST. It means people talk more, but it also means that if a potential relationship doesn't get off the ground, people forget about it and move on. They're used to it and used to change. In the city, it's so easy to go on dates with people, never see them again, and not have anyone know about it. In a small community, as soon you're seen even looking at each other, people make assumptions and the gossip's already out. Just is how it is.

Its hard to explain. Does anyone get what I am saying?

Sorry rolypoly, we are getting off course with this perhaps. Maybe? Maybe not?

No, not at all off topic (at this point, there are so many things going on in my head that it's all relevant, LOL). Yes, I get what you're saying. I understand about you and Derby. Sometimes, especially in a small group, it develops differently because everyone is watching.

[rolypoly]

Yes Roly-

It's a complicated story, but the littlest one is biologically GG and mine's child.
She calls Maca daddy-just like the other kids do.
Funny detail-the boys are both biologically Maca's-neither of the girls are. But they ALL call Maca daddy and they ALL call me mommy (3 are biologically mine).
They all call GG by his given name and they all know that he is the bio dad of the little one.
No secrets here.

;)

It's a beautiful thing.

I LOVE it!! Good for all of you!!

[polynerdist]

Thanks for sharing, rolypoly. Understandably there must be a lot for you to think about, and I'm grateful that so many smart and thoughful people are on here to participate in this discussion with you. I can especially understand how big the question of children and family you are grappling with is. It's a big, fundamental question, and I imagine it is huge and complex and grey and not black and white. I know that these questions are not straightforward for me.

I really like something LovingRadiance said, "So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with)." And I like what you said as well, "...dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities."

Personally, I have learned that I can't even know what is actually possible, because everytime I think I have figured out what is, or is not, possible, reality exceeds what I previously thought was the upper limit of possible and proves me wrong. Heck, at one point I even thought that myself and RedPepper being happily polyamourous was impossible! The realization that I was *soooo* completely wrong in that particular belief, which I had held with such high confidence, was enough to demonstrate that really, I have no idea what is possible, and what isn't. The only way I'm finding out what is possible for myself personally, and what is possible within my family, is by trying it. The limit of possible seemingly keeps getting bigger. I can't speak for RP and Mono, but a year and a half ago, I never would have in a million years have imagined that we would be where we are today. It was beyond my imagination, beyond sense of possibility, and now it's reality.

Polynerdist

[LovingRadiance]

I really can't wait to meet you Pol!

Hahahahah, I'm sorry-I just can't help it. It's so damn funny to me to call you Pol and you know who Mon.
:D

But, as I was saying-I really can't wait to meet you. I wish you had more time to write on here-I do so love to read your thoughts when you do!

[MonoVCPHG]

It was beyond my imagination, beyond sense of possibility, and now it's reality.

Polynerdist

Anything is possible my friend :)

[redpepper]

not only that nerdist, you actually wished Mono was with us tonight... you said you missed him at supper times. I would never of believed you would say that 16 months ago.

Living in the moment and keeping my eye on the future is what I am doing.

[MonoVCPHG]

not only that nerdist, you actually wished Mono was with us tonight... you said you missed him at supper times. I would never of believed you would say that 16 months ago.

Living in the moment and keeping my eye on the future is what I am doing.

How's that for compersion and metamour friendship :o

I hate that word "metamour" by the way..but like many labels it explains things.

[rolypoly]

I know you don't come on here much, so I'm thankful that you participated in this thread, Nerdist. :)

Hee hee, I think LR has a crush on Nerdist too. :p

I think there's a lot for everyone to think about and that's ok, it's all part of adjusting to new connections. I'm also really grateful that such emotionally intelligent, caring and smart people are on here. You all realize you're amazing, right?!

I want to be clear that the topic of children is big not because of this situation. It's definitely something I've grappled with for several years, but because of my health. I'm an external processor (it doesn't make sense until I've written it, spoken it or placed it outside of myself in some way) and so just acknowledging that "...dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities" is all I really needed.

I know that if I am meant to be a mom, in the biological sense, that I will. And it's very clear that whoever comes into my life will need to fit into my poly lifestyle because it's who I am. So, I really don't see how whether or not I'm involved with someone - and who I'm involved with - has to shut any doors on the possibility of my having biological children. This is a very freeing thought.

The only part that scares me is discovering that I am not physically able to have a child, but this is a whole other topic.

In light of "there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with)".... I would say that the most exciting and beautiful part is that it's an organic, co-creative process. And when you're doing it with people you love and who love you, well, whatever the outcome is, it's so wonderful to evolve into it together...

I also notice that a lot of the focus has been on me and the questions I'm having. I am imagining that everyone is giving me a lot of space and support to sort out my own needs and fears. But, I also know that there must be stuff coming up for everyone, not just me.

What's it like to have a family already established and have someone come in and change things around? It must be very scary to like someone and know that the commitments/arrangements already in your life could potentially scare them away? What's it like to accept someone into your life knowing that eventually, it might mean accepting even more people (the ones that new person may bring in)?

One thing I'm noticing in myself - and I would love to hear if anyone else resonates with this - is that the way I feel is directly affected by the circumstances. My relationship to people changes based on their relationships. First because being someone's "girlfriend" in a monogamous relationship conjures up all these expectations for myself and it takes an enormous amount of work for me to get past the "role" I feel I'm supposed to play and often ends up putting a lot of stress onto the relationship. I'm really not good at it. I'm noticing in myself that I feel so much less pressure knowing that I'm not the only person involved, so I can just be me.

I'm noticing that I like different people different ways. This has always tripped me up in the past. I used to think that if I didn't have that instant spark, that any feelings that developed slowly aren't the right kind, or the kind that could sustain something long-term. And those feelings constantly change when I see different sides to a person, so I used to think that if there were times I wasn't sure, it meant something was wrong.

I'm also finding it interesting that my feelings extend beyond how I feel about one person. How do I explain this... (splaying myself so openly on here had better help someone who stumbles onto this site and finds him/herself in a similar situation because this is intense and vulnerable and... phew... ). I'm developing feelings for not only how I feel about what I know of Nerdist, in and of himself, as a person, and the way we connect, but also for his relationship to RP, to his son and to the life he's created. Does that make any sense? Somehow I worry that this is a sign of something wrong because I know that I would feel differently if we were two single people hooking up.

I'm going to say it: is this normal?!

(I think we should invent "Poly Awards". And the winner of this year's "Most Transformed form Intense Inner Work" goes to.....)

[ksandra]

How's that for compersion and metamour friendship :o

I hate that word "metamour" by the way..but like many labels it explains things.

I'm still reading the rest of the threads but I just wanted to say....it sounds like some kind of transformer or anime character. :P

I'm also finding it interesting that my feelings extend beyond how I feel about one person. How do I explain this... (splaying myself so openly on here had better help someone who stumbles onto this site and finds him/herself in a similar situation because this is intense and vulnerable and... phew... ). I'm developing feelings for not only how I feel about what I know of Nerdist, in and of himself, as a person, and the way we connect, but also for his relationship to RP, to his son and to the life he's created. Does that make any sense? Somehow I worry that this is a sign of something wrong because I know that I would feel differently if we were two single people hooking up.

I'm going to say it: is this normal?!


I think it is normal. The more you learn about a person and their life and the people in it the more opportunity you have to form emotional connections with every part of it and because life is never just about one thing, why should there should be just one feeling for all aspects of Nerdist and his life?

Is that at all helpful?

[rolypoly]

Thanks ksandra, yes very helpful.

[LovingRadiance]

Roly-maybe not "normal" but BETTER than normal.

Too often people don't find their emotions extending to include the loved ones of THEIR LOVER. That causes so many damn issues!

When you can extend the way you were describing-it makes a MUCH more cohesive relationship.

[Derbylicious]

What's the éttiquette with all that anyway. I never know. Like, should one start a new thread or tell their community in some kind of announcement that they may or not be starting a relationship with someone?

There should be fancy announcements sent out on heavy card stock with lots of embelishments. That is that ettiquette according to Miss Manners ;):D

(Sorry for the hijack Roly)

[NeonKaos]

I am fresh out of fancy card stock, but I have some purple 3x5 index cards you can use.

[Derbylicious]

Purple is awesome :D

[rolypoly]

Geez, what's the etiquette on a marriage announcement if "we're getting to know each other" warrants card stock?!?! :D

All jokes aside, I'm going to pat myself on the back for avoiding crawling under one of those shells outside my door.

[NeonKaos]

We could write it on the back of paper napkins or old register receipts and save the purple cards for later.

[rolypoly]

Roly-maybe not "normal" but BETTER than normal.

Too often people don't find their emotions extending to include the loved ones of THEIR LOVER. That causes so many damn issues!

When you can extend the way you were describing-it makes a MUCH more cohesive relationship.

I agree. Thankfully, I find compersion so darned easy. How can you not get all fuzzy inside!?

So, then the question I have is how to know the difference between the feelings you have for the person and the feelings you have for the circumstances. It's never clearcut.

Could RP and Mono have gotten together 10 years ago? No. He was married, so was she and he is not poly. But, with the present circumstances and all the hard work they've done, this time in their lives they find themselves crossing paths and extending RP's family.

If Nerdist and I were meeting 10 years ago, I doubt our connection would be anywhere near the same and I also doubt that the nature of our connection would have gravitated towards starting a family. So, it's similar in that the current circumstances and the timing are all key factors.

There are many parts that fit and because they're not conventional or straightforward, I am needing to wrap myself around them.

Nerdist and I are also both very sensitive and emotional. From past experience I know that I tend to get sucked in and lost when I connect with another sensitive, deep thinker. And I need a lot of space to ground and come up for air. I have my doubts that it would be healthy for me to be primary or monogamous with someone who's as intense as me.

It feels like there's a huge part of me, a very important part of me, that is being seen and understood. This is incredibly rare for me. But, I'm also recognizing that there are other parts that aren't as compatible and that need balancing out. And I know that I couldn't be to Nerdist what RP is, obviously.

So, I guess these are the joys and benefits of poly!

This is honestly one of the most intense rides I've ever been on in my entire life and I'm glad that you're all here to say, "been there, done that".

[rolypoly]

We could write it on the back of paper napkins or old register receipts and save the purple cards for later.

Later? You mean there's more? ;)

[redpepper]

Remember when we first met roly. We have so much similarities... the same tattoo even! Yet there are definitely differences. I feel like I am more city wise, more gruff and stern than you are... just as emotional, but on the quick to anger side...

these are the areas that nerdist has come to rely on in me and is now not so reliant on. I am at a weird transition with him in that I am not sure of my role in his life. I have always been the strong, determined, forward thinker that protects our interests and the path we have forged... I am not as needed in that department now. He is forging a path that is his own, more than ever. I am fascinated to see what will happen next and who I am to him now...

I find it just as fascinating to see how his relationship with you will unfolds... to me, you are the version of myself that he needs now. The version of myself that I think he would like me to be... I am not what he would like me to be. I am just as loved, but I am off in another direction, pulled by Mono and now derby and others in my life.

The base of me is the same, the base of you is the same and that similarity we have is what he loves. I know it will be okay, because that is the essence of what he loves about me... it totally make sense to me that he cares about you. It makes me love myself more and care deeply about you too. I look forward to what that means and look forward to a long drawn out courtship of that. There is so much time and it feels so good to lavish in every moment and discovery.

[rolypoly]

Wow. I'm a bit blown away.

Yeah, I do find it funny that we have the same tattoo and the same initials, same hair colour... LOL! To be fair, look at Nerdist and Mono. You have a type, my dear. ;)

In this vain, I think I have two types. And I'm starting to think that a balance between the two is a healthy combination, much in the same way that you and I seem to compliment each other.

You are the strong, determined protector. I'm definitely more like Nerdist in the way that I am sensitive. I feel my way through life and sometimes struggle with the more executive decisions.

I'm blown away by your generosity, RP. I feel sad knowing you think that you are not what Nerdist wants you to be. I know that he and I have a very unique connection. But it's not the whole picture.

I'm also very, very glad that this transition is having the effect that you love yourself more!! And I care about you very much also. I care about all of you.

[MonoVCPHG]

OK....with all the new things going on and everyone having someone in thier life I am officially anouncing my poly relationship for the first time on here. I have been holding back because I have sworn up and down that a person can be wired mono....well I have a confession. There is two other loves in my life...one smells like leather and rubber and the other is the hairiest pussy I have ever kissed....I am in love with my motorbike and Redpepper's cat...there you have it folks....I'm a fraud :rolleyes:

[rolypoly]

You're a nut and I love it!

[polynerdist]

Wow. I am blown away too. For different reasons that rolypoly's likely.

I feel compelled to comment on a few things.

redpepper wrote: "I am at a weird transition with him in that I am not sure of my role in his life."

I can understand how this is unsettling for you. A lot has happened, and continues to happen. Many things have changed. Personally, I think it is a momentous occasion to be able to throw some of the roles that we have played into the trash. It's the beginning of another level of freedom. The freedom to BE.

redpepper wrote: "I am not what he would like me to be. "

On the contrary. I want you to be *you*. You are doing that. How could I not want that? Many years ago, I did not fall in love with a "thing," I fell in love with a person: you.

redpepper wrote: "I am just as loved, but I am off in another direction, pulled by Mono and now derby and others in my life."

Your and my paths run parallel, then intermingle, then cross, then jet off away from one another, then turn, then jet towards one another, then cross, then intermingle, then run parallel again. Such is the magical dance of our relationship. In whatever part of the dance you or I may feel that we are at in this particular moment, we are still in the dance. We are *always* in the dance.

with love, Polynerdist

[ksandra]

Wow. The amount of love and respect in this thread between all of you is amazing and wonderful. It is the type of thing I can only hope will be in my life one day. Rolypoly I think you have entered into something lovely and special and I hope all the best for you and the course of your relationship. I love reading the threads on here because they usually asuage my own fears and enforce the positives of poly for me. Threads like these are things that make me smile and feel warm :)

[MonoVCPHG]

We are *always* in the dance.

with love, Polynerdist

You guys are meant to be together more than any couple I have seen...this makes me a little weepy....errr, I mean..I got something in my eye :o

[GroundedSpirit]

OK....with all the new things going on and everyone having someone in thier life I am officially anouncing my poly relationship for the first time on here. I have been holding back because I have sworn up and down that a person can be wired mono....well I have a confession. There is two other loves in my life...one smells like leather and rubber and the other is the hairiest pussy I have ever kissed....I am in love with my motorbike and Redpepper's cat...there you have it folks....I'm a fraud :rolleyes:

Imagine that :)

Now...........some people knew that all the time - but kept your secret for you.

:)

[Derbylicious]

I've been thinking about how to word this so bear with me...Roly, I think I understand some of what your concerns are here. My thought is that part of what makes Nerdist who he is is his relationship with others in his life and with his family. It's not something that can be separated out. If part of what you see as attractive is the entire dynamic of his family that's ok...that's part of him. It's like we're told when we're young to see how a man treats his mother to get an idea of how he will treat you. Isn't it even better to see how he treats his wife and child?

I might be a little biased here but how could anyone not be attracted to how the dynamic between Mono, Nerdist and Redpepper is. There is so much love and respect there that it just seems to spill over into everyone they touch. I always feel honoured to be around them.

-Derby

[MonoVCPHG]

There is so much love and respect there that it just seems to spill over into everyone they touch. I always feel honoured to be around them.

-Derby

Thanks for this Derby...little speechless at this one :)

[Derbylicious]

Thanks for this Derby...little speechless at this one :)

Every once in a while I stop being a goof for a few minutes :D

[MonoVCPHG]

Every once in a while I stop being a goof for a few minutes :D

I'm goof 100% of the time..but it's not a competition..unless you want it to be ;)
I can out goof the best of them..bring it Derby!

[rolypoly]

...little speechless at this one :)

Yes, speechless. I feel like I need to say something, but really, I am just happy. I want to feed the love between everyone as much as I feel like I've been fed, if that makes any sense.

Derby, no kidding! And thank you, that assuaged my fears. It's a lot to come to terms with.

[redpepper]

Roly, have you read the thread I started on relationships? It was about being a good host and guest in peoples lives. One of our many analagies.

[rolypoly]

I'm goof 100% of the time..but it's not a competition..unless you want it to be ;)
I can out goof the best of them..bring it Derby!

Who are you kidding Mono, everything's a race to you, no? Hmm... who can show compersion to RP & Nerdist the quickest? tee hee

[rolypoly]

Roly, have you read the thread I started on relationships? It was about being a good host and guest in peoples lives. One of our many analagies.

Yes, I've read that thread and I love that concept. I've used it consciously a few times since reading it.

[Derbylicious]

Who are you kidding Mono, everything's a race to you, no? Hmm... who can show compersion to RP & Nerdist the quickest? tee hee

No fair Mono has a head start!

[rolypoly]

But you have rollerskates!!

[MonoVCPHG]

she's fast to..and pushes people around...yup, she could take me on skates for sure!

[rolypoly]

she's fast to..and pushes people around...yup, she could take me on skates for sure!

oh?? ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

oh?? ;)

I suck on skates! I don't even remember wearing roller skates...yeah, I'd be road kill!

[rolypoly]

Yeah, me too. Not very coordinated. :p

[Derbylicious]

Totally off topic...but you know how people say that they're spiritual or intelectual, why is it that no one ever says that they are a being rooted in the physical? I think that I am. I feel most connected to things when I am moving in some way or experiencing things with my senses. It's not to say that I don't have a good head on my shoulders or that I don't appreciate the value of meditation. But my feeling of connection to the rest of the world is more physical than anything. (It might go to explain my total lack of any kind of artistic talent).

Back to your thread Roly...

-Derby

[MonoVCPHG]

I feel most connected to things when I am moving in some way or experiencing things with my senses.

Back to your thread Roly...

-Derby

I'm spiritually rooted to the person I love...I'm physically rooted to the world. When I kiss Redpepper it is more spiritual and "Utopian"...when I ride motorbike it is more physical and grounded in the earth. Both are intense connections but my earth connection is primitive and aggressive and my spiritual connection is enlightened and beyond animal instinct.

I'm a mix and seem to move in and out of phase with each depending on how I feel and who I am with.

When I am at work my earth grounding is at the forefront because that is the environment. When I am with Redpepper and family I am spiritually grounded because it is safe to be vulnerable in that way. Spiritually grounded people get eaten alive in my work place LOL!

[rolypoly]

Oh Derby, thank you for bringing this up! It's exactly relevant.

I wonder if it's a given, in our society, that we're expected to be grounded in the physical, so we don't often make a point of saying it. My friend (who has the same name as you actually) that I've known for nearly 20 years is much like you. Practical, grounded in the physical. She feels good in her body. She also feels out of touch with artistic things and has had trouble understanding us artsy types. She never understood why my emotions run so deep. Just the way we're wired.

Personally, I find it difficult to stay grounded in the physical. Partly because I'm so up in my head, because I'm so sensitive and partly because I have physical pain and challenges in my body, so it's often uncomfortable to be rooted in my body.

Mono, I just love how you describe the spiritual connection you have with RP. I also feel an intense and powerful spiritual connection with Nerdist. Phew.